Mailboxes with Faces

by GavinPuddingly

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 1678

Gavin's simple story of randomness, avoid reading, death may occur.

When Gavin is now faced with life threatening decisions and his arch enemy, Buttmilk Nipples the Third and Jesus, he must decide whether or not to thaw the Popsicle in the freezer, and eat hardware instead.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-13 00:44:25 UTC

Prologue

What started out as a stupid idea to relive his childhood, he ended up finding his way into hell. Literally. Going along the way to make the shit giggle and the giggle shit, I have no idea what I'm doing. But anyways, continuing the story itself. The story itself should not be taken seriously, and if you really do, I believe you need a finger jammed up your ass. This story doesn't have much to do with ponies, and better yet you bronies thinking that this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down, well, you're kind of correct. But anyways, this story is a joke. Back to the story AGAIN. Gavin's life is pretty awesome, he likes chicken, makes stuff explode, and what-not. But when his best friend Kai is turned into some weird pastel colored horse... Gavin honestly doesn't care. Like, seriously. No grieving for his old pal, no crying, just hugs. With his other "friend", Sockface, that leaves him at age 11, and lost friend Jon-a-Don, he'd be pretty gone without Ka- or "Billy". Read on for the rest of the story, cause I'm not wasting anymore of my breath on a freakin' prologue.

Birth of our fake Nobody.

As the rainclouds grew higher, the Earth knew that a baby was coming, and was going to smell some chicken wings. Gavin's mother gave birth to him, and Gavin looked into her eyes and said, "Smell my hair, it's fresh." Gavin's mother bent over and smelled his hair, and knew that this was the greatest day of her life. When Gavin reached the age of Two, he gained interest in watching violent cartoons and stabbing pillows. Gavin was also interested in the fridge, too. He grabbed a chicken wing and ate it in one bite and said, "Mmm, that's tasty, now I need a grenade to kill some more chickens." Gavin's parents had a chicken farm containing 300 chickens, so, Gavin threw a grenade at a chicken and fried it. "Mmm, even more tasty than before, but I guess you could say it's, "too tasty" mmm, so delicious." So, after his snack, Gavin went to go play with his Power Ranger Bloopa Loo squad, and pretended they were his cousins from Canada.

At age 3, Gavin now was 4 feet tall, hit puberty, and could eat 78 bags of hardware in a day. So, Gavin went looking for his best friends, Kai, Jon-a-don (or just 'Jon'), and Sockface. Sockface was the first to meet up with Gavin, and he began instantly talking to him. "Hey Gavin! BETCHA CAN'T SEE MY FACE!" Sockface screamed. "You're wearing a towel on your head, idiot." "OH!!!!!!!!" Sockface screamed, once more. Kai soon met up with the group, dancing, no, not dancing, just flinging his arms up and down while jumping and swinging his head around like an idiot. "UH YEAH! UH YEAH! JEWISH FACE FISH!" Kai sang happily to the tune of 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star'. Gavin started, too, dancing like an idiot with Kai. "Hey, guys," Gavin said, "Wanna come over to my place? We've got a lot of stuff that we can play with!" "Sure, Gavin! I'll go!" Kai exclaimed. "Nah, 'm going back to mah house." Sockface said in a bored tone.

And where's Jon, you ask? Well, oh yes! That's when Chapter 2 comes along! Just marvelous!

Nothing more than a child.

Chapter Two,

8 years passed, and Gavin's interest changed multiple times. I mean MULTIPLE. He now likes these things called 'Ribeye Steaks', whatever those are, and has interest in things that even I didn't know existed! What's that you say? Back to the plot? Ah, yes, of course.

Gavin was bouncing on the swings, causing explosions in the east, hearing screams of families, he soon got bored and went inside to do yoga books, not for any purpose. The next hour,  he decided to pay Kai for a visit, but noticed that something was wrong… he couldn't put his mind on what it was about Kai's house. "OH YEAH!" Gavin thought, "His door got painted! Wow, blue looks good on his door!" Gavin rang the door bell, but something adorably amazing stepped out. It wasn't Kai, it was a… PASTEL COLORED HORSE! "Oh my god, I could just hug you all day!" Gavin managed to squeak out before having an adorableness overload. "Yup, and I've changed my name to Icy!" "Icy? What kind of a name is 'Icy'? Why not 'Bruce Willis'?" "Dude, do you EVEN see the color of my fur?" "Hmmm, black… no wait, yellow! Yeah! Piss yellow!" "Ugh, no, anyways, you wanna come in or what?" Icy asked Gavin. "Sure! but I forgot about my chess board! I was gonna show you my move, 'The Frozen Nipples of Frosty the Snowman'!"

Gavin and Icy soon left the house, Gavin having two fully - loaded MAC10s in his holsters, they went off to find Sockface. "Hey, wanna have fun going to Sockface's ugly manchild smelly house?" Gavin asked. "Sure!" Gavin demonstrated how to bounce on your ass down roads. So, they did. Icy knocked on the door, and Sockface was as ugly as ever, 23" long nose, short legs, and acne all over his everywhere. "What do you two wan- who is that?" Sockface snorted. "That's Icy, the man horse."  "Wait, Icy the man horse?" Sockface asked. "Yeah. Gavin has been calling me Bru Buddy ever since he saw me." Icy replied. "Well, ya'll should go on, I'll just stay here and gain another 3333 pounds."

You know how Jon hasn't been mentioned yet? Well here he is.

Gavin was hugging Icy, and Icy, the struggling horse trying to carry this payload, was going to Jon's house. "H-he-hey! Loo-oook! It's Ja-ha-haaun…" Icy struggled saying. Gavin ran up to Jon but wasn't expecting what you're about to read. Yes you, you silly man. Gavin slowly walked up to Jon. "Hey Jon! Haven't seen you in 8 years! where have you been?" Gavin asked. Jon slowly turned around and jumped onto Gavin, humping his face like a goddamn head humper!"AAUUUGHH! GET IT OFF!" Gavin screamed while running towards Icy. Icy reached towards one of Gavin's MAC10s and just then forgot about his fingers. "Aw, crap." Icy said, coldly. Gavin pushed Jon off of his face and grabbed his MAC10 and LIT HIM UP! 420 BLAZE IT FAGGOT! Jon slowly got up, and said slowly, "Get it up in there. Man, I'm tired, how 'bout you guys?" "Uhh…" both boys said, "No, we'll go home…" Gavin said. And the boys ran off.

All grown up!

Chapter Three,

Gavin put on his Suit and his tie and went out into the real world, always remembering Icy, the man horse. He shed a tear, and all he asked for was to see him again. But that's when the phone rings. "YO YO MANE DAWG, YO PHONE IS RINGING! MAYBE SOME 3 DOLLAHS FIFTY CENTS YO!" "Hello?" Gavin asked, "Hey Gavin, it's Icy, I just found us a location, just promise you'll be there, also, bring some weapons." Icy told Gavin the exact location to meet him at, and he wrote it down. Gavin went in his SOOPR FAST GT 56 SWAG Car and drove off to meet his long lost friend. An hour had past, and Gavin ate an entire steak in one bite and ran off into the building. He was not ready for what he saw.

You know those odd moments in movies where you just go like, woah, the gets me hardon. Yeah, I think everybody has done that befor- shut up? okay!

"Hey Icy it's great to see yo- your…" "Ass? Yes, you've always seen it." Icy said in an odd tone that Gavin had never heard before. Icy's butt was clenching so hard it could hold up a table of dancing Irish men. Icy grabbed Gavin's nipple and pulled him forward. "ICY, I HAVE TENDER NIPPLES!" Gavin yelped. "Oh sorry about that…" Icy said softly. The conversation broke into an awkwardly amusing thing to Gavin, and he burst out laughing. "What's so funny?" Icy squealed, "Are you not attracted to my body?" "No, it's not that it's just…" "Just what?" Icy asked. "Just 420 BLAZE IT FAGGOT!" Gavin exclaimed, as he pulled out 2 assault rifles and shot everything.

"Wow, way to ruin sexy time, Gavin." Icy said in a depressed voice. "I would tell you to shut up, so shut up." Gavin said. Gavin hugged Icy, he couldn't stay mad at him. But then something went terribly wrong… A voice was heard, it sounded like… Jon? "Hey guys, wanna get stoned and then make out?" Jon said. Gavin opened the door, and what had seemed to be one of the most amazing looking faggots out there, it was Jon.

But before we go into "Less bullshit mode" I wanted to add some more random stuff.

Gavin was walking around, Icy still naked, and Jon smoking weed in the background. The ice-cream truck sounded like it was getting closer… BAYUM! The truck was right smash in the middle of the room! Aside from all the terrors and screeches made, Gavin looked to see who was driving it… IT WAS BUTTMILK NIPPLES THE THIRD! And if that isn't bad enough for you, Jesus was in the back of the truck with dual light machine guns! "Well, I can see that we've got ourselves a stoner, a naked horse, and… who the butt what is he?" Jesus asked. "Ah, forget it, they'll all be dead. Take em' to hell, Jesus!" Buttmilk said, while laughing and driving at the same time.

Jesus, he already killed everybody, but Jon. And yes, Gavin and Icy were on their way to hell. By the way, have I ever mentioned this guy named Hatty? Super asshole with the hat? Well, he died, and this faggot named "Endee" refused to go to hell. He's dead now. And he's in hell, also. Great, another spread of characters I have to do stuff about.