Derpy's Optometrist

by FruitMaster

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random
Length: 1066

Derpy goes out for her annual visit to the eye doctor. Simple, right?

Derpy goes out for her annual visit to the eye doctor. Simple, right?

Dramatic reading by Joehighlord

Published 2013-10-03 03:20:06 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-03 03:20:06 UTC

Yup, Simple

October 10th, the day of Derpy's annual checkup, was the day she would learn some arguably stupid lessons that would only have meaning in a children's show. It was bound to be a dull day, but there was no avoiding it. She flew off, managing to only bump into six ponies, cause three cart accidents, and managed to summoned Cthulhu, thankfully, only in a sparsely populated village.

The derp-eyed, grey pegasus, as those who feel the need to avoid using her name call her, finally arrived at the small office of the only Optometrist in Ponyville. She walked through the all too familiar doors, producing a ding-ding from over her head, and trotted to the small uncomfortable chairs supplied in the waiting room for the doctor. She approached one of the chairs, unsure how she was supposed to lie down on it. A green unicorn was seated three chairs down, back against the cushion and hind legs hanging below, noticed her and waved at Derpy. She smiled, waved back, and attempted to copy her, only to find herself slide forward onto the wood floor, where she gave up and curled up.

The floor was cold. She wondered how that was possible considering the all-consuming hellfire burning outside the window. She decided to ignore it; It wasn't important right now, anyway. She just wanted to go back to her home and enjoy her day-off by engorging herself on her favorite food: Falafel.

"Kyra Smartstrings," the doctor called. The odd green unicorn slumped forward out of the half bench until her hooves touched the ground, then leaned forward until she was standing on her hind legs, took a couple steps and fell forward onto her face with a loud smack. She resigned to just using all of her hooves and went with the doctor behind the curtained doorway. It was going to be a long wait.

She decided to try to take a short nap, right there, on the floor, but was repeatedly awoken by random flaming pedestrians screaming for help. She would calmly tell them to buck off, but some just wouldn't leave her alone. A pony with blood stained fur wearing a helmet shaped like some sort of pyramid dragging a large blade behind it stopped next to the glass door and tapped on it. Derpy scowled at it until it finally left her to her napping. She was able to take a short nap before being roused by the doctor.

"Derpy Hooves?" asked the doctor that obviously didn't understand the importance of napping, "We're ready for you to come to the exam room."

She got to her hooves, stretched, scowled at the doctor, and made her way to the curtain door to the exam room. Once they were both inside, she was told to sit in a small chair much like the ones in the waiting room. After about ten minutes and five bruises, she was able to sit similarly to that mare, "Pyra", or whatever. Her hind legs jutted out awkwardly, but she was somewhat comfortable.

The doctor did a bunch of weird things to her eyes such as blowing a puff of air in them using a strange machine; shining a stupidly bright light into both for a gratuitous amount of time; and forcing her to stare at the same image of a barn many times, each a different focus than the last. The whole thing was stupid and it was made worse by the ponies attempting to break through the front doors.

The doctor left the room and came back after a short period holding a clipboard.

"It appears you have pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," he said with his best dramatic doctor voice.

Derpy looked at him quizzically, "I thought you were an eye doctor, though."

"What do you mean?" He replied

"That's a lung disease. Plus, I haven't been around any volcanoes lately."

He stood, stunned. "Ms. Hooves, may I ask how you know that word?"

"I thought it was just common knowledge. Doesn't everypony know it?"

Speechless, he quietly left the room. She, left confused, decided that it didn't matter and went back to listening to she sporadic screams of the ponies outside.

She sat alone in the dark room. The eye torture machines sat, defenseless. It was only a matter of time before the air puffer met it's unfortunate end on the carpet. Who knows what possibly could have knocked it over.

The other optometrist, a mare, entered the room and handed Derpy a small bottle and a small piece of paper with instructions on how to use the fluid in the bottle.

"We were unable, once again, to diagnose the issue with your vision. All we can say is that it's most likely a psychological problem that can't be fixed," she said, "You do, however have a small issue in the muscles controlling your cornea, but it can easily be fixed with those drops."

Derpy looked at the floor a well as she could, sad. She knew she would be stuck like this for the rest of her life, but it hurt to hear it. The room was silent for what felt like an hour, but the silence was broken by another pedestrian coated in a strange green slime that appeared to be causing her to lose fur who had found a way in and was running in circles, knocking down chairs in the waiting area. Both doctors left to try to shoo her off, but when the patchy pony noticed them, it crouched, hissed, and hid under a desk in the lobby.

They turned to Derpy, once again, and told her that she was free to go. She placed the paper and bottle in her saddlebag which she had left in the waiting area. She said goodbye and left through the front doors which were covered in various substances. It was abnormally foggy out and a severed squid tentacle lay next to a storage bay door. Most ponies had fled or become one of the small piles of ash under her hooves. She took a deep breath and flew off towards her apartment.

It was a good day.

Author's Note

Written out of boredom. Don't take this seriously AT ALL. If you do, you're going to have a bad time. If you saw any grammar or spelling errors I missed, feel free to tell me.