The Diamond Exchange

by angelbunny

Rating: teen
Tags: Drama, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Silver Spoon, Twist, Tragedy, Diamond Tiara, Slice of Life
Length: 222971

Chaos ensues when Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon receive no punishment after a hurtful prank gets one of their classmates killed.

(Set after season 4 but before the events of Crusaders of the Lost Mark)

Actions have consequences.

Even the most seemingly innocent of them have the potential to snowball into something greater.

Action: Silver Spoon confesses her unconditional love to Diamond Tiara.
Consequence: Silver Spoon gets friendzoned.

Action: Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon play a hurtful prank on a classmate.
Consequence: Their victim loses her life in an unforeseen accident.

Action: The Cutie Mark Crusaders concoct a plan that will put an end to Diamond Tiara’s wickedness permanently.
Consequence: The course of Equestrian history is forever altered.

Ask your doctor about The Diamond Exchange. The Diamond Exchange is not for everypony. Side effects may include leaving a thumbs up, favoriting the story and leaving comments. In rare but serious cases, a small number of readers have been known to watch the author and recommend the story to other readers. Severe health risks may occur as a result of leaving a thumbs down; the most common being Lyra eating your hands.

Critics can’t stop talking about The Diamond Exchange! But since they charge for their reviews, I’ll just post these that I made up instead.

“The Diamond Exchange kept me sitting in the center of my seat.” – Maud Pie.

“The ending left me more speechless than The Last Roundup.” – Derpy Hooves after accidentally reading the final chapter first.

“I guarantee that you’ll like The Diamond Exchange almost as much as everypony likes me. Almost.” – Flash Sentry with a wink and that obnoxious tongue click sound thing.

“Yes... Crystals...” – King Sombra.

“How long is this thing supposed to be?” – Rainbow Dash

“That’s what she said!” – Pinkie Pie

“Unrequited love! Same sex pairings! Melodrama! My royal eyes have touched common fan fiction!” – Prince Blueblood

“It’s... nice.” – Fluttershy

“The lack of realism in the relationship between Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon (as seen in The Diamond Exchange) is a minor but noticeable flaw that could easily be remedied by the inclusion of some steamy love scenes depicting the raw, unbridled passion that these two have for one another. That would be, like, so hot. Did... Did I say hot? I-I meant realistic. That would be very... realistic. You’re not going to quote me on that, are you? You are? Oh. Well, in that case, I wish to remain anonymous.” – S.S.

Published 2013-09-12 19:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2016-06-18 21:05:40 UTC

Cruelty

A blissful sigh emanated from the wide grin that had taken hold of Twist’s lips since class was dismissed an hour earlier. She lay on her back in a field of grass just behind the schoolhouse and stared dreamily into the sky at nothing in particular. She had read the words on the small folded piece of paper that was pressed against her racing heart plenty of times; forty-nine, by her count. It hardly sufficed as a reason not to open it up once more and read it for a lucky fiftieth time.

Dear Twist,

I’m not very good at talking about my feelings – especially with fillies – so I took the easy way out and wrote you this letter instead. I hope that this doesn’t make what I’m about to tell you any less impactful. So, anyway, Hearts and Hooves Day is coming up and I’ve never had a very special somepony to celebrate it with. I’d really like that special somepony to be you, Twist. I think that you’re nice and sweet and if it’s okay with you, I would really like to be your coltfriend. I don’t know how good I’ll be at it since I’ve never been any filly’s coltfriend before but if you were my marefriend, I’d promise to learn everything there is to know about being the best coltfriend ever so that I can make you as happy as you’ve made me by just being yourself.

I really, really, really hope that you’ll give me a chance. Please meet me under the bridge by the train tracks after school if your answer is yes – only please don’t take too long because I have to be home in time for supper.

Yours truly,

Rumble

P.S. If you could, please meet me with your best dress on. I’d like to see you at your most beautiful.

When Twist finished reading the note, she squealed with joy and giggled as she pressed the note back against her chest with her forehooves. She wriggled giddily from side to side and kicked at the air with her hind legs. Laying still once more, she gave another contented sigh and resumed her earlier sky gazing. She might have been imagining it but the sun seemed to shine brighter than it had before she read the letter. Colors appeared more vibrant and even the air smelled sweeter. A colt thought she was beautiful. But not just any colt – it was Rumble, who was, without a doubt, the cutest colt in class. The fastest one, too, apparently. She didn’t even see him walk past her desk or slip the note inside it but she supposed that that was the whole point.

Twist was under the impression that Rumble didn’t like receiving Hearts and Hooves Day cards from other fillies, calling the whole practice “mushy stuff”. Now, Twist knew why he was so opposed to it. The pegasus colt was actually a shy romantic gentlecolt at heart who had secretly admired her from afar and wanted her as his very special somepony, too much to give any other fillies false hopes by accepting their Hearts and Hooves Day cards. Naturally, she would forgive his shyness. How could she not? He was about to make her life infinitely more enjoyable.

Admittedly, Twist wasn’t the most fearless pony in class, either. She was selective about the colts to whom she gave Hearts and Hooves Day cards. She didn’t want to be the only pony in class who gave no cards out at all and so she had devised a simple strategy: if she could bear having her card rejected by a colt, they received one from her. Snips, Snails and Truffle Shuffle were among the go-to card recipients. They could always be counted on to accept the innocent gesture for what it was and not read any further into it. And Miss Cheerilee always accepted cards from her students so Twist also gave her one. But Rumble? She didn’t even dare to dream of giving him one because he was way out of her league.

Or so she thought.

Twist closed her eyes and giggled as she imagined doing all of the romantic things on dates that she had seen other couples do, such as taking a leisurely stroll in the park, watching a movie at the picture house and her personal favorite: sharing an ice cream soda with two drinking straws while staring dreamily into one another’s eyes. Then there was the matter of their eventual first kiss – which would be her first ever. Who would have guessed that hers would be with the cutest pegasus colt ever? Certainly not Twist. Would Rumble ask for that kiss under the bridge? Or would he be a gentlecolt and postpone that first kiss until the end of their proper first date? The prospect was so enticing that she had to laugh at herself for wondering if she had the patience to wait that long.

A pair of pegasi flying overhead crossed Twist’s line of sight and it snapped Twist out of her daydream, causing her to realize that she had lost track of time.

“Oh, no!” she squeaked as she scrambled to her hooves. “Rumble’s waiting for me! I’m gonna be late!” Twist galloped at top speed toward the edge of town where Rumble awaited her arrival. Suddenly, she gasped and quickly planted all four hooves into the grass as she slid to a halt. Once she had stopped, she headed in the opposite direction.

“Horse apples!” she shouted as she ran back to her house. “I’ve gotta put a dress on first!”

Once again, she put on the brakes and ran back to the spot on the grass where she had been enjoying her daydream earlier. Using her teeth, she picked up Rumble’s note which she had carelessly left behind like a dunderhead and ran back home.

“Guess what,” said Diamond Tiara.

“What?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Chicken butt,” replied Diamond Tiara with a smirk.

Silver Spoon smirked at her friend’s silly remark. The two fillies sat beside one another on the stone bridge with their backs against the bridge’s wall. Against the opposite wall of the bridge was a garbage bag that Diamond Tiara swiped from behind the smoothie shop back in town. It contained post-juicing fruit residue and since it had been sitting in a compost trash can for a few days, it had taken on a horrendous odor.

“Guess why,” said Silver Spoon.

“Why?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Chicken thigh,” replied Silver Spoon.

Both of them were glad that no one was around to hear this bizarre exchange that was only entertaining to them.

“Guess where,” said Diamond Tiara.

“Where?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Ummm... Chicken bear! Hee hee ha ha ha ha!”

Both fillies giggled at the direction that this ridiculous yet undeniably amusing back-and-forth game of theirs had just taken. Since a chicken bear was definitely not a chicken body part, all bets were off as to what answers would be given next.

“Gueeeeess... who,” said Silver Spoon.

Both fillies gasped and looked at one another in amazement as the answer which made the most sense came to them simultaneously.

“SCOOTALOO!” they shouted as they pointed a hoof at one another. Diamond Tiara tipped over on her side and squealed with laughter. Too besieged with laughter to sit up, Silver Spoon sank to her belly with all four legs sprawled out as she convulsed. Tears streamed down her face and her mouth hung open as a wheezing laughter whistled out of her lungs. It was a sight that was always enough to make Diamond Tiara laugh even harder.

As their laughter subsided, Diamond Tiara wiped the tears from her eyes with her hoof. Silver Spoon removed her glasses and did the same.

“Ohhhhhhh... that was too funny,” said Diamond Tiara. “Aheh-heh... I swear, Silver Spoon, I never laugh harder than when I’m with you.”

“Same here,” said Silver Spoon with a gentle smile as she put her glasses back on.

“I don’t know how I would have made it this far if you hadn’t been enrolled at the Ponyville schoolhouse,” said Diamond Tiara. “Geez, how long does it take to put on a lousy dress, Twist? Ugh! We’ve been waiting here for an hour and this bag isn’t smelling any fresher.”

Silver Spoon rubbed her forehooves together as she gathered the courage to speak her next words. She was certain that they wouldn’t be well received but they needed to be said.

“Uh, Diamond Tiara,” she said. “I’m... having second thoughts about doing this.”

“Afraid of heights, are we?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Don’t sweat it. We’ll switch places. I’ll scale the bridge wall and you can pass the bag up to me.”

“That’s not the problem.”

“Are you worried that Twist will get hurt by the bag? It’s only about an eighteen foot drop down to the tracks. And the bag’s only got spoiled veggie juice and soft fruit mush inside. She’ll be fine apart from the putrid smell.”

Silver Spoon shook her head.

“That’s not the problem, either” she said.

“Then what is the problem?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“It’s the way that you’ve lured her out here.”

“The note I wrote? What about it? It’s brilliant! No filly would turn down a chance to be Rumble’s marefriend. I know I wouldn’t. Although I guess you would since you’re...” Diamond Tiara smirked and raised an eyebrow. “Well, you know.”

Silver Spoon rolled her eyes at Diamond Tiara’s glib reference to her orientation.

“So what is it about the note that’s bothering you?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“When Twist finds out that Rumble isn’t really in love with her,” said Silver Spoon, “it’ll... hurt her feelings.”

Diamond Tiara’s mouth hung open in disbelief over Silver Spoon’s uncharacteristic concern over a nopony like Twist.

“Her feelings?” she asked. “Who the hoof cares? She’s not special like us. And we’ve hurt other ponies’ feelings before. We’ve even had fun doing it.”

“I know that,” said Silver Spoon. “But it’s different this time. We’re targeting a different set of feelings. It’ll hurt really bad.”

Diamond Tiara got up from her spot on the floor and stood in front of Silver Spoon, looking her square in the eye.

“How... is this any different... than what we’ve always done?!” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Different enough for me to decide not to help you do this,” stated Silver Spoon. “I’m sorry but my mind’s made up. You should have told me how you got her to come to the bridge before dragging me all the way out here. I would have said no on the spot and saved you the trouble of hauling the bag.”

Diamond Tiara caught herself losing her temper at the one pony whose help she needed to pull off this prank. One facehoof and a count to ten later, Diamond Tiara was calm enough to use reason to obtain Silver Spoon’s crucial assistance.

“Silver Spoon, listen to me,” she said in a normal tone. “Twist is no different than a turd. Think of her feelings as the corn kernels inside a turd – nopony cares if they’re inside them or not.”

Silver Spoon covered her mouth with her hoof to hide her grin lest Diamond Tiara think that this crude analogy was winning her over.

“We’re just going to give Twist a fragrance that’s better suited to her turdliness, that’s all,” said Diamond Tiara. “As far as the note goes, it’s not like we’ve made Rumble hate her. Technically, she has the same chance of being his marefriend as she ever did: zero. And she’s way too timid to snitch on us. Trust me. Nothing bad will happen. Okay?”

“No,” said Silver Spoon shaking her head resolutely.

“Oh, come on, Silver Spoon!” Having lost her patience, Diamond Tiara started hopping up and down. As she watched her friend bounce about like a ball, Silver Spoon wondered what it was about hopping up and down that made much younger foals think it was an act that would get them what they wanted. “I can’t scale this wall by myself! I need to climb on your back to get up there safely and I need somepony to hoof me the bag when I’m up there! You have to help me!”

Silver Spoon stood up and looked Diamond Tiara in the eye, giving her presumptuous friend an angry stare.

“I ‘have’ to?” asked Silver Spoon rhetorically. “Tchah! As if! I’m not your workhorse, you know. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to... and I don’t want to do this.” Having spoken her mind, she turned up her nose and closed her eyes.

Diamond Tiara sneered and grunted out of frustration at her friend’s weird behavior. Without Silver Spoon’s help, all the effort she put into having a laugh at Twist’s expense would be wasted. Her features slowly relaxed as she remembered that she had at her disposal an alternate means of convincing Silver Spoon to do her bidding.

“Hey...” said Diamond Tiara in a soft sultry tone, breathily whispering into Silver Spoon’s left ear, making it twitch once. Silver Spoon turned her head to the right to avoid further whispers.

“Not this again...” whined Silver Spoon as she lowered her ears. Her grey cheeks were now rosy pink as Diamond Tiara walked around her slowly, rubbing her body against her as she went over to her right side.

“Sillll-ver Spoo-OO-oooon...” cooed Diamond Tiara, this time into Silver Spoon’s right ear. Silver Spoon quickly turned to her left side. In Silver Spoon’s opinion, her name never sounded any sweeter than when it was spoken by Diamond Tiara.

“Come onnn, Diamond Tiaraaa,” groaned Silver Spoon. “Cut it out, already.”

Diamond Tiara stood up on her hind legs and playfully hooked her forelegs loosely around Silver Spoon’s neck, resting her upper body weight along the gray filly’s back with her left cheek pressed against Silver Spoon’s right cheek. Silver Spoon grimaced nervously at this invasion of her personal space because she knew it wasn’t motivated by genuine affection – much to her chagrin. Diamond Tiara used the tip of her right hoof to rotate Silver Spoon’s pearls about her neck, one pearl at a time.

“Do you remember what I found out when I... accidentally read your diary?” asked Diamond Tiara, speaking slightly above the tone of a whisper.

“‘Accidentally’, my plot,” muttered Silver Spoon as she averted her eyes. She fidgeted again but stood in place since Diamond Tiara wasn’t doing anything particularly inappropriate – yet.

“I can’t help where you leave your diary lying around anymore than I can help reading diaries that are left lying around,” said Diamond Tiara. “That day, I found out that you like having your hair pulled. It’s pretty grownup of you to have a kink at such a young age, even if it is weird. You get excited when somepony pulls your hair. That’s why you’ve always got your mane braided, so that somepony in class will sneak up behind you and mischievously pull on it... like this.”

Diamond Tiara took Silver Spoon’s braid in her mouth and gave it a few tugs. Silver Spoon closed her eyes and squeaked as her forelegs alternated from left hoof to right hoof and her hind legs trembled.

“Or... do you like it when it’s pulled harder?” said Diamond Tiara as she bit down firmly on the braid, planted her hooves into Silver Spoon’s shoulders and leaned backward, stretching the braid out at a distance that would have caused any filly great pain.

Silver Spoon felt that pain.

And she thought it was great.

“Oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh-oh-my-gosh,” she squeaked. Her narrowed pupils and wide toothy smile would have been enough to frighten off an Ursa Major with their intensity. Every second that Diamond Tiara kept her braid pulled back filled Silver Spoon with a euphoric sensation that she couldn’t begin to describe and that only a pony who shared her fondness for hairpulling could understand. She had allowed Diamond Tiara to experiment on her once before when the pink filly first discovered this fetish upon reading the relevant diary entry. It had amused Diamond Tiara to watch Silver Spoon writhe and moan from something so easily executed but arousing her friend made her feel uncomfortable and so she had ceased that activity altogether. When she last tried it out, she hadn’t tested Silver Spoon’s pain threshold as much as she was right now and the duration of that pull was far shorter.

“I wonder what else you’ve written about what gets you going,” said Diamond Tiara, “and who gets you going.”

Diamond Tiara didn’t actually wonder who it was that got Silver Spoon going. She knew even before she read the diary that her best friend’s feelings went deeper than mere friendship. Diamond Tiara only posed this query to further tease her friend into a state of compliance and to reestablish the one absolute truth: no one says no to Diamond Tiara. She released the braid, allowing Silver Spoon a moment to catch her breath.

“Is your tail as sensitive to being pulled on as your mane?” asked Diamond Tiara as she slid off of Silver Spoon and stood on all four hooves again. She extended her tongue, placed it against Silver Spoon’s trunk and walked beside her, running her tongue along Silver Spoon’s body starting from her withers and slowly working her way down to her dock. Silver Spoon shivered from the stimulation yet didn’t move away from her friend. Having returned her tongue to her mouth, Diamond Tiara now stood behind Silver Spoon and examined her plot, deciding where the best spot to bite her tail might be.

“Maybe I’ll just pull on your tail and your braid at the same time and see what happens,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon’s eyes shot open upon hearing the proposal.

“EEEEEE! NO! Don’t you dare!” warned Silver Spoon as she swiftly spun around and sat on her own tail. If the experimental dual hairpulling that Silver Spoon had done in private was any indication, the results of a combined mane and tail pulling by Diamond Tiara would be extremely embarrassing, even if she was the only other pony watching.

Diamond Tiara quickly placed a hoof on Silver Spoon’s chest and pushed her, causing her to tip backward and lie on her back. The pink pony quickly climbed over her fallen friend and lay on top of her so that they were now belly to belly. Silver Spoon tilted her head forward to look down at her body and found that by doing so, she was now nose to nose with Diamond Tiara. She gulped and turned her head, grimacing as she trembled.

The warmth of Diamond Tiara’s body against her own so soon after the hair pulling was almost enough to drive Silver Spoon wild. She had shared this position with Diamond Tiara in her dreams – and the fantasy didn’t come close to matching the genuine article. Her heart pounded in her chest so furiously that she had no doubt that Diamond Tiara could feel it beating. If only her friend could be receptive to the feelings within it, Silver Spoon honestly believed that she would have need for nothing else ever again. Tears began to well up in Silver Spoon’s eyes as her body betrayed her heart’s desire by resisting the urge to wrap her forelegs around the back of Diamond Tiara’s neck and pull her in for a kiss. However, she knew that by taking such a liberty, delightful as it would have been, she would betray the trust that Diamond Tiara had placed in her and that was something neither of them wanted. All Silver Spoon could do was accept whatever bittersweet crumbs of physical contact Diamond Tiara threw her way.

Diamond Tiara grinned down at her malleable comrade and took pride in the new shape that she had just crafted. This was exactly where she needed Silver Spoon to be psychologically. She didn’t even care that she had to get so touchy-feely with another filly to achieve her goal. This wasn’t about homoeroticism. This was about asserting her dominance, something at which she happened to excel.

“I dare anything,” said Diamond Tiara, batting her eyelashes and flashing a smile at her bewildered friend. “I could dare to do that... or... you could just help me with the bag. Whaddya say?”

Silver Spoon let out a melancholy sigh.

“Okay, okayyyyy,” she groaned as she used all four hooves to launch Diamond Tiara a short distance into the air. “I’ll do it; anything to get you to stop teasing me.”

Diamond Tiara landed safely on her hooves and stared vacantly into space for a moment, startled by both the vertical distance she achieved and the deceptively strong legs that Silver Spoon possessed to have propelled her that high.

Just then, Diamond Tiara’s ear rotated toward the Ponyville side of the bridge, having heard the faint sound of galloping hooves approaching.

“I think I hear Twist coming!” said Diamond Tiara with a smile and a squee. Both fillies ran to the far end of the bridge toward their hiding place behind some bushes. “Don’t make a sound or move a muscle until we hear her hoofsteps stop.”

As Silver Spoon remained still behind the bushes, she flirted with the idea of blowing the whistle on Diamond Tiara’s prank and warning Twist of the fate that awaited her. She quickly put the thought out of her head. One way or another, somepony would be angry with her by day’s end and, given the choice, she vastly preferred Twist’s anger over Diamond Tiara’s.

Twist saw the bridge off in the distance and she smiled gleefully as her memorable first meeting with Rumble was almost upon her. She slowed her gallop down to a trot and then reduced her speed even further to a casual walk. She may have accepted Rumble’s feelings but that was no excuse for looking desperate or sweaty.

The outfit she selected for her meeting with Rumble was a simple yet flattering white gown that she wore just once for her great aunt’s wedding in Fillydelphia late last year. She especially liked the shoulder straps which were designed to look like twin lengths of blossoming flowers. There was an equally flattering flowered headdress that accompanied the outfit but Twist decided against wearing that because it made the gown look exactly like it was worn just once for her great aunt’s wedding in Fillydelphia late last year. She didn’t want to scare Rumble off by making him think that she was chomping at the bit to get married, although being Rumble’s wife was a thought that Twist found to be most pleasant.

When she arrived at the bottom of the hill, Rumble was nowhere to be found.

“Rumble?” called out Twist. “Yoo-hooooooo. Did I keep him waiting too long?”

She walked on the tracks and through the train tunnel to check the other side of it and he wasn’t there, either. What she did find were several piles of flat stone slabs that looked as though they were left behind by a construction crew. Three of the slabs had been stacked on top of one another in a deliberate fashion and a folded sheet of paper that matched the one used for Rumble’s note was held in place atop the highest stone by a small rock used as a makeshift paperweight. Certain that this paper was another one of Rumble’s notes, Twist used her teeth to pull it out from under the rock. She knocked the rock off with her hoof, took a seat on the slab stack and opened the note.

“‘Dear Twist’,” she read aloud. “‘I’m so sorry but my big brother needed my help with something and I had to go with him to Cloudsdale but I’ll be back as soon as possible. Please have a seat and wait for me here until I return. Yours truly, Rumble’.” Twist folded the note closed and tucked it away inside her dress as a memento. “Gosh, I hope it’s nothing serious.” Twist took a seat on the makeshift stone chair and sighed.“Oh, well. I guess I’ll practice what I’ll say to him.” She held a hoof to her muzzle and cleared her throat as she began to collect her thoughts.

“Hi, Rumble,” said Twist. “So, yeah, I got your note today,” she said. “I never would have guessed that a super foal like you would ever fall for a plain old filly like me but oh, that sounds awful!” She held her head in her hooves and shut her eyes, repulsed by her monologue. “What is wrong with me? Be more confident in yourself, Twist! He already likes you for who you are! Where’s the sense in putting yourself down in front of him?” Twist stopped lecturing herself and took a few breaths before starting again.

“Hey, Rumble,” she said as she nonchalantly inspected her hoof. “So... you wanna go out with me, huh? Well, I’m not dating anyone right now sooooo I guess that would be cool.” Twist opened her mouth and stuck her tongue out in disgust. “Ugh, what the hay was that? I went from not confident enough to Rainbow Dash. I need to find a middle ground.”

Twist shut her eyes and scratched her chin as she wondered how best to approach Rumble with her feelings. She thought of her friends, the bearers of the Elements of Harmony, and how they would handle this situation.

Her good friend Pinkie Pie embodied the spirit of laughter. Twist only knew a few gross jokes that she had overheard Snips tell Snails so handling this the Pinkie Pie way was definitely out. Princess Twilight Sparkle wielded the element of magic but, as an earth pony, Twist had trouble performing even the simplest of card tricks. Applejack represented the spirit of honesty...

Bingo, thought Twist as she grinned. She decided to let her honest feelings for Rumble pour forth and allow love to attend to itself. She imagined Rumble standing before her with a smile on his beautiful face and that in turn made her smile.

“Rumble,” said Twist. “I’m gonna be honest with you. When I read your note this afternoon, I was knocked for a loop. My mom told me when I was growing up that one day some colt would wanna be my very special somepony. But that’s what any parent would tells their filly to boost their confidence so I didn’t really put any stock in it. Grownups don’t go through what we kids do so they don’t know how hard it is to make friends and keep them. Or maybe they did know once and just conveniently forgot about it after becoming grownups. That would explain a lot of things about grownups, actually. But then along came your note and whaddyaknow? It turned out that my Mom was right all along! I was super happy to find out that you liked me because as it turns out, I like you, too. I’ve actually liked you since the day that you first transferred here from Cloudsdale Elementary. At first, I didn’t think that you liked fillies. Oh, n-not that I thought that you liked colts or anything... Gah! And n-n-not that there’s anything wrong with that! Uh, I-I mean...”

Twist snickered as she listened to herself.

“And there’s your first lesson in Twist 101," she continued, "Twist can be a total spaz sometimes. I hope that won’t be a deal breaker, will it? Good! Oh, and please don’t feel bad about being too nervous to tell me face to face that you liked me because I’m just as guilty as you were of not being honest with myself. So now that everything’s out in the open and we both like each other, I would be very happy to be your very special somepony. Hm? What’s that? You... you’d like to... kiss me? Oh, you! Hey, why the long face? I didn’t say that I wouldn’t kiss you, silly. I’m just a little nervous because it’s my first one... but I couldn’t be any happier that it’s with you. C’mere. Hee hee! Look at you. You’re shaking like a leaf on a tree! Aw, don’t be embarrassed. Well... maybe it’s okay for you to be a little embarrassed, if only because you look so cute when you’re blushing. Ready for your kiss now? Me too.”

Twist removed her glasses, closed her eyes and puckered her lips but then quickly reopened her eyes and glared suspiciously at the imaginary Rumble.

“But if you slip me the tongue, I swear I’ll scream," she said. "Got it? Good.”

As she prepared to lock lips with her dream foal, something large and black had struck her over the head, creating a distinct pop upon impact and obscuring her vision completely. She immediately smelled what she assumed was rotten food and she gagged, nearly losing her lunch. She held her breath and shook her head as vigorously as she could to free herself from whatever had ensnared her. Light mercifully returned to her eyes as she successfully removed the unknown object which turned out to be a garbage bag.

She coughed and spat repeatedly until the brown juices on her muzzle stopped running down into her mouth. She breathed through her mouth to spare herself the terrible smell. Strewn about her hooves were piles of wet, mashed decomposing fruit and soggy hay. Judging by the strength of the stench, there were most likely chunks of the stuff elsewhere on her body. She hopped over the mess around her and trotted a few paces away as she shook her head repeatedly to rid her hair of any fragments of gunk that might have remained in her hair. Her glasses had been knocked out of her hooves when the bag first landed on her and she reluctantly returned to the sludge piles to look for them. Their purple frames made them easy to spot against all the brown, black and green. Holding her breath, she whimpered as she extracted them with her mouth. She quickly transferred them to her hooves and resumed her spitting. She put them on her face and couldn’t see much due to the lenses being covered with a brownish green liquid. She wiped the lenses on a clean patch of grass in an effort to clean them. Deciding that they were as clean as they were going to get, she placed them back on her face and examined her dress. White was no longer the dominant color on it.

“YYYYESSSS!! WOOHOOOOOO!!” shouted a voice that came from up above. Twist looked up and saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon walking down the hill toward her. Believing them to be her assailants, she walked up the hill toward them, meeting them halfway.

Diamond Tiara couldn’t hold back a smile. Her plan worked out exactly as she knew it would.

“Nice fashion statement there, Twist!” said Diamond Tiara. “I wouldn’t wear it myself but on you it looks fab! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon!” squealed Twist as she removed her dress and shook herself free of juice. “Your timing couldn’t have been any worse! You’ve ruined the dress I put on for Rumble! He’s supposed to meet me here any minute!” Twist ran in circles, panicking like a mad pony.

“Is he, now?” asked Diamond Tiara. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that. I’m guessing that you’ve never seen Rumble’s mouthwriting before... or mine.”

“What are you talk-”

Twist felt a sinking feeling in her stomach as she gathered the meaning of what Diamond Tiara just said.

“Did you actually think that a colt as cute as Rumble would give you the time of day much less a love letter?” asked Diamond Tiara. “What color is the sky in that dream world of yours?” She pointed at the stained dress on the grass with her hoof. “And was that supposed to be your best dress? Pfft! I’ve seen burlap sacks in my daddy’s store’s hardware department that are better looking than that frock! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

As Diamond Tiara laughed at her own comment, Twist hung her head and closed her eyes. The notes were fakes. It had all been an incredibly cruel hoax designed to humiliate her. The high she had experienced was dwarfed by the low she was now experiencing.

“Why?” asked Twist. Her voice was froggy and her vocal projection was so low that she sounded as though she might have been talking to herself.

“Hm? Why what?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Why would you do something so mean to me?”

“Hmm... I guess there are a couple of reasons. Becauuuuse we had an afternoon to kill… annnnd because we felt like it… and in case it isn’t painfully obvious – because we’re better than you are.”

I didn’t feel like it, thought Silver Spoon.

“I don’t care if you want to pick on me because you think I’m weak,” said Twist, “or different... or an easy target. That’s on you guys, not me. Miss Cheerilee told me how to deal with being bullied and it’s always worked for me. I’ve been picked on before – most of the time by you two – and I’ve never let it bother me... but this?” Twist lifted her head and it ate Silver Spoon up inside to see the sad expression on Twist’s face. The cream-colored pony’s eyes were wide and glossy with tears and her lower lip trembled uncontrollably. “Sweet Celestia, this is the meanest thing anypony’s ever done to me!” Twist’s voice rose in pitch as her weeping was adversely affecting her speech. “I thought Rumble really... How could you play with my feelings like that? Don’t you have a heart? Haven’t you ever dreamed of being loved by your very special somepony?” She sniffled and wiped her runny nose with the cleanest area of her hoof that she could spot.

The quiver in Twist’s voice caused Silver Spoon to feel a sharp pain in her chest. It was exactly what she was afraid she’d feel for her: sympathy. She wanted to apologize to Twist but the wound was too fresh and, as the co-prankster, it may have come off as insincere.

“Could you repeat that?” asked Diamond Tiara sarcastically, holding a hoof beside her ear. “My Loser-ese is a little rusty.”

“SHUT UP!” screamed Twist. “I AM NOT A LOSER! At least I’ve got better things to do than pick on ponies! You two have gone beyond being bullies... You’re-“

“Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,” interrupted Diamond Tiara. “Tell it to somepony who cares, okay? I’m done with you now.” She turned her attention from Twist to Silver Spoon. “Oh, hey, Silver Spoon, do you want to have supper over at my house tonight? We’re having quiche. That’s, like, a staple in gay diets, right?”

“A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... as if I would know that... or even be remotely interested in knowing something like that,” giggled Silver Spoon nervously prior to giving Diamond Tiara a glance that suggested that this subject be dropped.

Twist’s mouth hung open in disgust. She was appalled by how casually Diamond Tiara had dismissed her, as though she mattered less than a horsefly. She felt the muscles in her face contract, drawing her brow lower and wrinkling her nose. She had never felt such seething hatred toward a pair of ponies in her entire life. She trembled with rage and despite her heart being broken, blood was coursing through her veins as quickly as it would have been had she been running in a race. Air whistled between her clenched teeth as her anger reached its boiling point.

“You’re evil,” growled Twist between clenched teeth. “And I hate you. I HATE YOUUUU!!”

“We’re not evil,” said Diamond Tiara as she primped her hair with her hoof. “We just do what we want to whomever we want whenever we want, regardless of the consequences; it’s a rich girl’s prerogative... but I suppose you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? And so what if you hate us, Twist Tie? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Do you see what I did there? Because twist ties go together with garbage bags?”

Twist wasn’t laughing. Diamond Tiara turned to face Silver Spoon and saw that she wasn’t laughing, either. Clicking her tongue, Diamond Tiara frowned at her audience’s lack of appreciation for improvisational humor.

“Well, I thought it was clever,” said Diamond Tiara. “Anyway, feel free to hate us all you want, Twist Tie, because, quite frankly, we totally don’t care. Why should we? It’s not like you have the guts to do anything about it.”

There was a limit to the amount of taunting that Twist could endure. Unbeknownst to Diamond Tiara, her words had caused Twist to exceed that limit.

Silver Spoon saw the wild look building in Twist’s eyes and was about to ask Diamond Tiara not to egg her on.

But it was too late.

The sustained rage-filled whinny that blasted from Twist’s mouth startled both Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon and they froze in place out of shock.

Since the dawn of Equestrian culture, ponies had learned to use their speaking voices to communicate. The bestial sounds of their primitive equine ancestors could be produced vocally by anypony but since doing so was considered uncivilized and somewhat taboo, the practice was looked down upon, outside of letting an occasional one slip while in the throes of a heightened emotional state.

Everypony knew this.

Twist didn’t care.

All she cared about was expressing all of her suppressed negative emotions in a manner befitting her state of mind. Rearing up on her hind legs, Twist raised her forehooves and deftly brought them down upon Diamond Tiara’s head, delivering a punishing blow.

“OW!” blurted Diamond Tiara as her legs gave out from under her. She sank to her belly on the grassy hill. Her head throbbed from the blow and she felt dizzier than the first time she spun on the playground’s spinning platform for thirty seconds straight. She had never become so disoriented in such a short a span of time and she was now very frightened.

Silver Spoon shrieked as she watched Diamond Tiara collapse from the attack and silently cursed herself for not foreseeing this.

Twist reveled in the satisfying clunk that her hooves had made against Diamond Tiara’s thick skull. She felt somewhat ashamed of herself for allowing her classmates to get under her skin and drive her to violence despite Cheerilee’s insistence that no good ever came of violence. However, the spoiled would-be princess had done far more harm than good in her time at the Ponyville Schoolhouse and would surely continue to do so unless she was taught a lesson that she would never forget, right here, right now. This was about more than Twist simply standing up for herself. This was about justice for every filly that had ever been picked on when grownups in their infinitely superior wisdom did nothing other than recommend that the bullying be ignored, a strategy that did more to encourage bullying than to discourage it. Once Twist had finished justifying her actions as being righteous, she belted out another throaty high-pitched whinny and brought her hooves up again to continue her assault on the downed pony. If Twist was going to get in trouble for fighting, she would make her first offense count by trampling Diamond Tiara to her satisfaction.

“Keep your hooves OFF of her!!” screamed Silver Spoon.

Lowering her head, the gray earth pony charged Twist, ramming her in the ribs with enough force to send Twist tumbling down the hill head over hooves. Silver Spoon quickly recovered from her counterattack and was glad that she hadn’t lost her glasses or her own balance as a result. She turned her attention toward Diamond Tiara and took a seat in front of her. She held her friend’s face in her hooves and looked into her glassy eyes with a great deal of concern for her welfare.

“Say something, Diamond Tiara,” pleaded Silver Spoon. “Are you okay?”

“Is my tiara crooked?” asked Diamond Tiara with a woozy slur to her speech.

Silver Spoon grinned and shook her head, both amused and relieved to see that Diamond Tiara was more concerned about her most cherished fashion accessory than the condition of her own skull.

“Yeah, you’re okay,” she said.

Once Twist reached the bottom, she quickly scrambled to her hooves and glared at her classmates, her chest expanding and contracting rapidly with each frantic breath she took. She no longer smelled the rotten fruit juice that had soaked her mane and coat. Her adrenaline rush was so high that she didn’t even feel any of the after effects of her fall despite having received a number of small scratches and bruises from it. Even the loss of her glasses wasn’t enough to quell her fury.

She didn’t need to see her enemies in great detail in order to beat them up.

She saw that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon now had the high ground. This was not a good thing. Not only would she be at a disadvantage reachwise but defending against counterattacks would be next to impossible now that the element of surprise had been lost. Twist cursed herself for not having thought this assault through as properly as she should have. With great haste, she turned around, crossed the tracks, climbed up the opposite hill and began to run across the bridge so that she might regain the high ground and continue her attack. This time, Diamond Tiara’s lackey Silver Spoon would be her target.

Silver Spoon saw the blood lust in Twist’s eyes as she approached and was nearly scared out of her wits. Despite antagonizing numerous classmates alongside Diamond Tiara, she had somehow avoided having to defend herself against a physical assault. She certainly didn’t fancy the idea of starting here and now.

“This way! Hurry!” said Silver Spoon to Diamond Tiara who, in her frazzled state of mind, was too stunned by her injury to do anything other than follow her friend’s lead and hope that she could run straight.

Twist had completed her trip across the bridge and turned to go down the hill after her classmates. She found that they had crossed the tracks and were already halfway up the other hill.

Silver Spoon stopped running and as Diamond Tiara ran past her, she caught her tail in her teeth to get her to come to a stop. Both fillies turned around to see what Twist was going to do. Silver Spoon knew that she had to put an end to this fight. If Diamond Tiara was as stunned as she believed her to be, she couldn’t run much farther without falling over and getting hurt, either from falling down a hill or another hit from Twist. There was nopony nearby so calling out for help would have done her no good. With a nervous gulp, Silver Spoon stood in front of Diamond Tiara, blocking her from Twist’s sight and gambling on the possibility that she would be viewed by Twist as the lesser of two evils long enough to listen to reason.

“Calm down, Twist!” shouted Silver Spoon. “Think about what’s going on!”

Twist held her ground and listened to Silver Spoon, though without her glasses, she couldn’t make out her facial features from this distance.

“You’re outnumbered!” continued Silver Spoon. “You can’t get past both of us and we can always get the high ground again by running up the other hill while you’re crossing the bridge! We don’t want to fight you! Please... just leave us alone and go home! We won’t tell on you if you don’t tell on us, okay?”

Twist neighed, sputtered and stomped at the ground angrily with her right hoof, mostly because Silver Spoon was right. The bridge and the two hills on either side of the tracks formed a large triangle that allowed her targets to stay out of her reach almost indefinitely. Additionally, the train tunnel underneath the bridge just gave them even more evasion options. When Silver Spoon’s assessment of this situation appeared to be accurate to her, Twist’s features slowly lost their scowl and she lowered her head. She didn’t want to run herself ragged chasing Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon to the ends of Equestria.

She wanted what she thought she was getting: Rumble as a coltfriend.

Her anger had subsided and she was once again faced with her grief. She inhaled deeply, opened her mouth, reared her head back and let out a woeful bawl from the bottom of her soul that could probably have been heard all the way from Cloudsdale. It was a ballad of pain that told the tale of a heart dashed to pieces over the loss of a colt’s heart that was never really hers and a cruel insult added to that injury.

Silver Spoon recognized that ballad for she sang a similar one on the day that she confessed her love for Diamond Tiara last Hearts and Hooves Day – and was gently yet unequivocally turned down.

As Silver Spoon watched Twist turn around and walk away, she shed a tear for her sister in unrequited love. She looked at Diamond Tiara and saw that while she was sneering angrily at Twist and appeared to have recovered, she wasn’t pursuing her attacker, which was probably for the best.

“We’re sorry, Twist!” shouted Silver Spoon. It was the only thing she could think to say to alleviate her guilt.

“No, we’re not!” shouted Diamond Tiara who seemed to have recovered from her earlier dizziness. “But you’ll be sorry when we see you at school tomorrow, Twist! You think you can tag me with a completely unprovoked attack and get away with it? You’re a dead pony! Do you hear me?! A DEAD PONYYYYYY!!!”

Twist heard neither the apology nor the threat over her own sobbing and hoofsteps. She made it down the hill and over the tracks to head back home for a shower to soothe her aching wounds as well as her broken heart.

Tragically, the sudden arrival of a train prevented Twist from ever going home again.

Epiphany

“Okay,” said Pinkie Pie as she laid her playing card atop a vertically fanned stack of cards across from her. “For this rouuuuuund... a two of diamonds.”

“Sorry, Pinkie, but you can’t play that,” said Rarity. “You have to declare a suit different than the one declared in the last round. I played the seven of diamonds to start off the last round, remember?”

Pinkie Pie was a regular Friday afterhours visitor at Carousel Boutique. When the shop closed up for the day, she and Rarity would chat, have tea and play card games to unwind. The shop was much busier lately now that Rarity’s reputation as a heroine had spread throughout Equestria. Special orders for custom outfits were now commonplace and opportunities to relax prior to closing time were scarce. Gone were the days when she could take the time to hunt for jewels with Spike at the quarries on the outskirts of town. She recently started buying her jewels wholesale, something she had only done a few times in the past since wholesale prices cut into her profits too drastically and the excess stones would sit around for weeks untouched. These days, her volume was more than double what it was and jewels didn’t have time to gather dust. Over in Canterlot, Hoity Toity couldn’t keep Rarity’s creations in stock longer than five days after receiving a shipment – even fewer if Sapphire Shores came to his boutique – and he was starting to inquire about wholesale prices. Her current daily workload was gradually exceeding her ability to manage on her own and she was seriously considering hiring additional unicorn seamstresses to perform the magical labor while she worked exclusively on creating the designs and overseeing production. At this stage of her career, it would be foolish to decline new orders just so she could catch up with the current ones.

Pinkie Pie had also drummed up additional business for Sugarcube Corner as tourists and curiosity seekers from Ponyville, Canterlot and beyond came to meet her. Visitors received a free autograph with the purchase of any of Sugarcube Corner’s numerous baked goods – a promotional idea that was Pinkie’s brainchild. The less expensive single serving size treats routinely sold out in the first hour of business, leaving the higher priced items like cakes as the only means of getting an opportunity to stand in the autograph line. Customers didn’t seem to mind buying them if these were all that was left and as the proprietors of Sugarcube Corner, Carrot Cake and Cup Cake were only too happy to sell them.

Pinkie’s second promotional idea utilized her uncanny talent for remembering everything about her new friends. A free catering job was offered to any repeat customer who got an autograph from Pinkie if she couldn’t remember their name. The challenge was too much for most ponies to resist and they would return months after their initial visit to buy a treat, stand in line and revisit Pinkie – only to be greeted by name on the spot every time. The promotion was so successful that one customer bought a wedding cake for his chance to win the catering job – and he was already married. The Cakes were so grateful to Pinkie for the monumental increase in their sales that they doubled her wages and gave her greater freedom to mingle with customers during business hours, both of which made Pinkie one very happy pony.

A heavier purse certainly had its advantages but being in the company of good friends had already made them rich in ways that no amount of bits could ever replace. Pinkie held three cards upright on the card table’s surface while Rarity magically levitated her lone card off to her left above the playing surface.

“Oh, yeah,” said Pinkie as she retrieved her two of diamonds and knitted her brow. “This game was a lot more fun when Fluttershy was playing with us, don’t you think?”

“Maybe for you,” remarked Rarity, “but I must respectfully disagree. Fluttershy deliberately played poorly so as not to hurt our feelings if we lost.”

“Really? Awww, that was so sweet of her!”

“Be that as it may, Horse-drawn & Quartered is not a game designed for ponies to be sweet to one another. Its origins lie in the Pre-Hearth’s Warming Eve dark ages, based on an actual historical event.” Rarity rose from her seat and stood on her hind legs, spreading her forelegs outward and adding no small amount of melodrama to her tale. “Four earth ponies, all strangers to one another, were captured by Chancellor Puddinghead’s guards and imprisoned in a dungeon together, accused of a serious crime they did not commit.”

“Oh, I know this stor-”

“They were sentenced to capital punishment and their execution was to take place the following morning,” continued Rarity, “but all was not lost. A small unbarred passage just large enough for a pony to squeeze through was found up high on one of the cell walls. The passage led outside and could juuuuuust barely be reached by standing atop another pony’s shoulders if the pony on the ground stood on their hind legs. This was their ticket to freedom but unfortunately there wouldn’t be enough tickets to go around. Without another pony’s shoulders to stand on, one pony would be left unable to scale the wall and would have to remain behind to face their grisly demise come morning. The risk of getting caught was too great for an escapee to return with a rope for the last pony. The prisoners searched their cell for straws to draw but found nothing – except for a dingy old box containing a complete deck of playing cards. They played this very game to determine which of them got to escape come nightfall. The original name of this game was lost to history but ever since that famous escape, it was redubbed Horse-drawn and Quartered in memory of the unlucky pony who met his end honorably, if not painlessly.” Rarity closed her eyes and gave the long-deceased pony a moment of silence.

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes, placed her elbow on the table and rested her jaw atop her hoof, waiting for Rarity to finish talking.

“To make a successful escape in Horse-drawn and Quartered,” continued Rarity, “one must master the every-pony-for-themselves psychology of the game as well as its subtle intricacies. The art of the declaration. The vigilance to maintain locks on your opponent’s draw piles while freeing up your own. The patience to withhold a joker for countering the one key play that will turn the game in your favor. The resolve to bluff your opponent to play cards where they think you don’t want them played. And the initiative to go for the kill when an opening appears.” As Rarity sneered and stared into space with narrow pupils, she knitted her brow and rubbed her hooves together in a sinister fashion that was as disconcerting as it was comical. Though Rarity was loath to admit it, a dark and unladylike side of her personality would occasionally surface when she played this game and she seemed to enjoy this metamorphosis a bit more than she probably should have. She noticed Pinkie Pie leering at her out of the corner of her eye and, after clearing her throat and primping her mane, Rarity quickly refurbished her countenance to that of a more dignified mare. “A-As I was saying, Fluttershy is a delightful pony and a wonderful friend but she’s simply not cut out for ruthlessness, not even to play a friendly game. I see little point in playing with somepony who hoofs you the victory without putting up a fight. Fortunately for us, I’m not so accommodating and neither are you... so this game has been quite interesting. It’s still your play, Pinkie.”

Pinkie Pie extended her neck toward Rarity to an absurd length until they were practically face-to-face, shrewdly examining Rarity’s eyes for any tells. Rarity responded by batting her eyelashes and grinning in a way that suggested that she encouraged Pinkie to find anything on her face that gave away her intentions.

“You’re planning on going out on a three of diamonds again, aren’t you?” asked Pinkie suspiciously.

“What?” asked Rarity “Pfah! This again?” She tilted her head upward and looked up at the ceiling, twirling her right hoof dismissively in reaction to Pinkie Pie’s hurtful accusation. “Honestly! You girls seem to be convinced that I have some sort of obsession with that card simply because my cutie mark just so happens to consist of three diamonds. How could you think me so petty? I thought you knew me better than that, Pinkie Pie. Why, if I were a lesser pony, I’d be offended.”

“Then how do you explain the fact that you’ve gone out on a three of diamonds at least a half dozen times before... and did a victory dance every time you went out on a three of diamonds... and sang your ‘Diamonds Of Three, How I Love Thee’ song while you danced every time you went out on a three of diamonds?”

“Sheer speculation and circumstantial evidence, I assure you. You’re reading way too much into this. It’s quite sad, really.”

“I’ll tell you what’s sad. That song of yours runs 4:17. Four... hoofing... seventeen. That’s, like, a minute and a half longer than any song about a playing card has any right to be.”

Rarity huffed at this criticism.

“Need I remind you of the time you sang that song about cold water? Didn’t that run 2:32?”

“I was running a fever that dayyyyy!” shouted Pinkie in her defense as she reared her head upward, embarrassed by her ridiculous choice of subject matter, even by her standards.

“Oh, don’t get bent out of shape about it,” said Rarity. “I’m only teasing you.” She smirked slyly as she rotated her card in the air. “In all fairness, though, I suppose this card could be the three of diamonds... but we won’t find that out until you lay down one of your three cards, now, will we? And there isn’t a winner in Horse-drawn and Quartered, Pinkie; more accurately, the last one left is the loser. You could draw instead of playing a card but that would then increase your hand to four cards. I’d also get to unlock a draw pile of my choice.”

“But there aren’t any piles that are loc-”

“...but there aren’t any piles that are locked to me,” interrupted Rarity proudly followed by a short giggle of satisfaction. “Hearts and spades are locked to you, however, leaving clubs as the only non-diamond suit in which you may play a card. Oh, and you could pass if you have no club cards but then I get to declare any suit of my choice for the new round which means I could play my one card and be out... unless my card is actually a joker which, as we both know, can only be played in response to an opponent’s card as it’s being played to return it to their hand for the rest of the round.”

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes and reminded herself that this was, as Rarity said, a friendly game.

“It’s still your play, Pink-ie Piiiiie,” chirped Rarity.

As Rarity looked on with a muted grin, Pinkie alternated between examining the layout on the table and the cards she had in hoof. Just like Rarity had so extravagantly illustrated, the options left to her were few. If Rarity did have a three of diamonds, Pinkie’s two of diamonds would have made it unplayable, thus locking her out of that pile. Placing her open mouth over her chosen card, Pinkie carefully bit down on it and pulled it out from her remaining cards. Rarity’s eyes slowly grew wider as she waited patiently for Pinkie’s card to hit the table. Pinkie leaned in, placed her card on the club discard pile and leaned back to a seated position.

“Five of clubs,” sighed Pinkie Pie. She placed her head on the table, waiting for Rarity’s predictable card drop and to be subjected to yet another performance of her worn out song.

Rarity saw the five of clubs and she allowed herself a genuine grin. That grin slowly evolved into a wicked smile which then gave way to an equally wicked chuckle. She quickly stood on her hind legs and planted both forehooves on the table.

“THREE OF DIAMONDS!” squealed Rarity enthusiastically as she telekinetically slapped her last card down and then fanned herself with her hoof with a quizzical look on her face. “Goodness gracious... Is it ‘extraordinary card player’ in here... or is it just moi?” Closing her eyes, Rarity smiled and swayed her head from side to side in time to the first few notes of the musical intro to Diamonds of Three, How I Love Thee which started to play. When the cue for the first verse arrived, she opened her mouth to sing.

“JO-KERRR!!” yelled Pinkie Pie as she slapped the named card down on the table, effectively countering Rarity’s play.

Rarity’s background musical accompaniment stopped. Her eyes opened but her mouth was frozen open from when she was just about to start singing the first verse of her song.

“Andsinceyoudon’thaveanyothercardsyoucanplayfortherestoftheturn....TWO OF DIAMONDS AND I’M OUT!! I WIN!! WOOOOO!!!! I mean... I DIDN’T LOSE! WOOOOO!!!” Pinkie zipped behind Rarity, climbed up her back and stood on her shoulders to simulate her escape. “You’re horse-drawn and quartered and I’m not!” Pinkie walked off Rarity and crawled on the air above the card table through the imaginary passageway per the legend of Horse-drawn and Quartered. When Pinkie reached the spot just above her seat cushion, she humored gravity by falling back to the ground and sitting. “That was so close! Wowie zowie, it’s so hard for me to keep a poker face going! Good game, Rarity! I was afraid that you might have had the other joker or maybe a clubs card lower than five and you were just trying to psyche me out. I see what you mean now about how satisfying the challenge is when you’re playing against someone who’s really trying to win... or not to lose.”

Rarity’s left eye twitched as her smile slowly melted from her face.

“Bah-Beh-Bah...” stammered Rarity. “But... where did... oh, but... when did you... how long have you had a joker?”

“Oh, I’ve had it since the opening draw,” replied Pinkie proudly. “Pretty lucky, huh?”

“Since the... whaaaaaat?” crowed Rarity. Her pupils narrowed at the news of this bold stratagem. “You held onto a joker this whole time? But why on earth didn’t you play it earlier when I locked the spades pile or the hearts pile?”

“Turns out that I didn’t need to. Right before you locked me out of the hearts pile, I had just played my last heart card and the same thing happened right around when you locked the spades pile. I just played what I had wherever I could and hoped for the best. And since the best you can hope for is not to lose... and I didn’t... it totally worked!”

“Pinkie Pie, I believe that you feinted with your two of diamonds just to get my hopes up before dashing them to pieces.”

“Sheer speculation and circumstantial evidence, I assure you. And I was sooooooo looking forward to hearing your song. But don’t worry, I’ve got one of my own.” Pinkie stood on her hind legs, closed her eyes and performed a victory dance. “Go, Pin-kie, it’s-your-birth-day, poor Rarity, it’s-her-last-day, da-da dee dee, da-da dum dum...”

Rarity grimaced as she smoothed her hoof across her fabulous white tummy and shuddered, imagining herself being strapped to a filthy executioner’s table and then having her innards savagely extracted through her midsection as though she were a wool sweater being unravelled, all while spectators looked on with indifference. She glared at Pinkie, irritated by how joyfully the unsympathetic party pony was whooping it up in light of her imaginary disembowelment.

“Hmph! This game was a lot more fun when Fluttershy used to play with us,” declared a pouting Rarity as she lay her head atop her forelegs on the card table, looking at the card with which she had almost won the game. In Rarity’s opinion, anything that was worth doing was worth doing with style and being denied her signature three-of-diamonds victory was worth sulking over.

A small red object landed on the face of her favorite card with an audible tap and Rarity’s eyes were instantly drawn to it. For a moment, it appeared to her as if the card had sprouted a fourth diamond. Upon further inspection, Rarity was able to determine what the object was – and it was far from a diamond.

It was a drop of blood.

Rarity looked up at Pinkie Pie and recoiled at the sight of blood trickling freely from both of her friend’s eyes, both of which were closed. Judging by the fact that Pinkie continued to pirouette and frolic, Rarity deduced that Pinkie herself must have been oblivious to her condition.

“Good heavens, Pinkie Pie,” said Rarity as she stood on all four hooves and approached Pinkie. “Your eyes are bleeding.”

“Say what now?” asked Pinkie Pie as she stopped dancing. Her smile was quickly replaced by a look of dread as she touched her neck and face where she felt a slight tickle and found her own blood on her hooves. “Holy spumoni! I’ve sprung a leak!”

“Has this happened to you before?”

“No, never.”

“Did you graze your face with your hoof while you were dancing?” Rarity used her magic to open a drawer from a dresser at the far end of the room, removed a hoofkerchief from it and brought it closer to them.

“No. My eyes don’t hurt or anything. It must be coming out of my... tear ducts?” Pinkie Pie sat on the floor and blinked repeatedly as the blood continued to flow, holding her forehooves under her cheekbones to prevent more of it from trickling down her body. Hooves did not make very good makeshift receptacles, however, and for lack of a better solution, she smeared the blood into the fur of her cheeks to keep any more of it from spilling onto Rarity’s floor.

“So it would seem,” said Rarity as she levitated the square of white fabric in front of Pinkie. “Here, use this hoofkerchief.”

“Thanks,” whimpered Pinkie, quickly accepting the hoofkerchief and using it to wipe her face. “Sorry for messing up your floor.”

“No need to apologize, dear. You didn’t intend for this to happen. This is so curious. I didn’t think it was biologically possible for tear ducts to shed blood – and certainly not to this extent. Oh, my, it’s not stopping, is it? Do you feel weak?”

“No,” replied Pinkie. “Why? Should I? Is this enough to pass out? How worried should I be?”

“I’m no doctor but I’ve heard that you can go into shock from blood loss. We should get you to an infirmary right away.” Rarity turned her head to the side to call out to her sister. “Sweetie Belllllle? Oh, that’s right, she isn’t here.”

“Rrrrrrgh!” growled Pinkie as she scrunched her eyes shut and gritted her teeth. “Pickles! I got it in my eyes and now it stings! Owie.” She rubbed at her face with her hoof, soiling her face further in the process. The coppery scent of the blood was thick in the air and Pinkie buried her face in the hoofkerchief as she started to weep a bit. She had never dealt with anything like this before.

“Oh, don’t rub them, dear,” suggested Rarity. “That will only make it worse. Here, let’s wash you up in my salon sink.”

Rarity levitated Pinkie Pie and galloped to her private salon room with Pinkie in tow. Ordinarily, Pinkie would let out a high pitched “whee!” of delight whenever Rarity would levitate her, which was enough to discourage Rarity from levitating her at all. Now, Pinkie was dead silent – which clued Rarity in on how frazzled Pinkie was by her ordeal. She gently lowered Pinkie into the salon chair, secured Pinkie’s hair inside a shower cap, reclined the backrest and carefully laid her neck in the sink’s neck rest.

“Now keep your eyes and mouth closed and try to relax,” said Rarity as she turned on both faucets. Once she achieved a comfortable warm temperature, she used the hose attachment to diligently rinse Pinkie’s eyelids, snout and cheeks free of blood, taking care not to let any water run into Pinkie’s ears.

Pinkie hadn’t had her face washed by another pony since she was a filly and she found that she missed the gentle touch of a caretaker’s hoof. The soothing warmth of the water coupled with the care Rarity was giving her provided Pinkie with more than enough reason to relax. She knew that Rarity had no great love of blood or any substance that had the potential to stain fabric. This was merely what friends did without hesitation for a friend in need. Slowly but surely, Pinkie found herself starting to feel better and she smiled despite her unnerving condition.

Rarity noticed Pinkie’s frown turn upside down and she started to smile herself. She wondered how often she had made her earth pony friend smile compared to the number of times Pinkie had made her smile and concluded that Pinkie had left her far behind. In an act of spontaneity, Rarity slowly raised her left hind leg and gave Pinkie a soft poke in the tummy with her hoof. Pinkie let out a giddy squeal and then laughed. Rarity giggled and turned the water off.

“Well,” said Rarity, “the bleeding has stopped. I can’t see that as anything but good news.”

“Oh, thank Celestia,” said Pinkie, keeping her eyes shut and standing on her hind legs. “And thank you, Rarity.”

“You’re quite welcome. I still think you should visit a doctor, though. It may have stopped but it must be indicative of a more serious condition.” Rarity applied and lathered a small amount of coat shampoo to Pinkie’s face for good measure and rinsed that away as well. Rarity removed the hose attachment and left the water running for Pinkie whose hooves were too bloodstained to touch the faucet handles without getting them dirty. “You wash up those hooves; I’ll get the lights and when you’re ready, we’ll nip off to the clinic together to get you examined. With any luck, there won’t be a long wait.” She dabbed Pinkie’s face dry with a telekinetically-held small white towel while drying her own hooves with a different towel.

“Thanks,” said Pinkie Pie softly. “And Rarity?”

“Yes?”

Pinkie grinned gently. Her eyes glossed over with tears of sincerity and gratitude.

“I want you to know... that if we were both earth ponies in a dungeon together like the Horse-drawn and Quartered prisoners, we wouldn’t have to play a game to decide which of us got to leave. I’d volunteer to let you climb on my shoulders so that you could escape. I could never live a happy life knowing that I left one of my best friends behind to be executed.”

There were times – and Rarity had borne witness to many such occasions – when Pinkie could be abrasive, inconsiderate, boisterous and gluttonous; sometimes all four at once. And then there were times such as this when Pinkie would say or do something that showed her true colors as a pony whose friendship was an honest-to-Celestia blessing to have. Oddly enough, the latter had a tendency to wash out the former.

“Awwwwww, Pinkie Pie... That has to be the sweetest thing that anyone’s ever said to me.” Rarity closed her eyes and smiled warmly. “I’m truly touched. Thank you, darling.”

“You’re welcome,” chirped Pinkie with a smile as she turned her back on Rarity for a moment to wash her hooves in the sink. “I’m sure you’d do the same for me.”

Rarity’s expression went blank as she imagined herself enduring the second portion of her imaginary execution: having her fabulous limbs simultaneously wrenched from her torso by ropes tied to four ponies running in opposite directions. She flinched with sympathy pain at the moment of her dismemberment, thankful that these were civilized times in which she lived.

“Wwwwwwwwhyyyyyy, of... course I would do the same for you,” said Rarity with a nervous smile as her eyes shifted from side to side. “In a heartbeat. A-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.” An uneasy feeling overcame Rarity as something ominous occurred to her. She was hesitant to share her theory with Pinkie but it needed to be said. “Oh, dear. Pinkie, I just had a dreadful thought. What if there’s nothing wrong with your health-”

Pinkie gasped deeply, which caused Rarity to pause.

“Oh, no!” cried Pinkie as she reared her head back. “That is dreadful! AAAAAAAAAAAA!!” Pinkie stopped screaming and raised an eyebrow. “Wait, how is being healthy dreadful?”

“You didn’t let me finish. What if what just happened wasn’t because you’re ill but because you just experienced a new Pinkie sense sign?”

“I hope not,” said Pinkie as she dried off her hooves. “Even my doozy shiver isn’t...” Pinkie gasped as she held her hooves to her face. “Oh, no again! That is dreadful again! What if it was a new Pinkie sense sign warning me that something equally dreadful is about to happen? Or maybe even more dreadful? I mean, it’s blood. How could it not be dreadful? And has the dreadful thing happened already or is it about to happen? Is it going to happen to me? Or to you? What if it happens to both of us? What if...” Suddenly, Pinkie screamed and held her head. “AAAAAAAAAAAAA!”

“What is it?” asked Rarity.

“A deranged stallion escapes from the Ponyville psychiatric ward, breaks down your door with an axe, cuts off our heads and our hooves, reattaches them to the other’s body with duct tape and replaces your rooftop carousel ponies with our corpses for ALL OF PONYVILLE TO GAWK AT IN HORRORRRRR!”

Rarity trembled as her pupils narrowed. She didn’t want to be murdered; it would delay the release of her fall lineup dramatically.

“Is th-th-that a P-P-Pinkie sense p-prediction?” whimpered Rarity.

Returning to her previous calm demeanor, Pinkie closed her eyes and waved her hoof dismissively.

“Nah, I just made it up,” she said, “but why rule out anything, y’know?”

Rarity was about to excoriate Pinkie for frightening her when a series of forceful knocks suddenly pounded against the front door of Carousel Boutique. The noise scared Pinkie and Rarity half to death and they screamed as they held each other.

“Oh, look, you silly thing,” said Rarity through chattering teeth, “you’ve gone and scared yourself with your outrageous stories, ha ha. It’s probably just a customer.”

“Or it could be a deranged stallion from the Ponyvi–mmph!”

Pinkie’s mouth was plugged up by Rarity’s hoof.

“Or it could just be a customer,” insisted Rarity as she removed her hoof from Pinkie’s mouth. “Be a dear and tell them that we’re closed, would you?”

Pinkie took in a deep breath.

“WE’RE CL-mmmph!”

Pinkie’s mouth was plugged up by Rarity’s hoof again.

“I meant closer to the door,” said Rarity. “And without screaming, if you would be so kind.”

An irritated Pinkie moved Rarity’s foreleg away from her face.

“If you’re gonna keep putting your hoof in my mouth,” noted Pinkie, “you could at least have the decency to dip it in cake frosting first!”

“PINKIE PIE, OPEN THE HOOFING DOOR!” shouted a voice from behind the door.

“That sounds like Rainbow Dash,” said Pinkie. She quickly opened the door and found that it was indeed Rainbow Dash who had been the source of the knocking. “Hi, Rain-” The cyan pegasus immediately flew past Pinkie and stopped in front of Rarity. Pinkie closed the door and walked over to her friends.

“Rarity!” shouted a distraught Rainbow Dash as she hovered in front of her. “Thank Celestia you’re home! There’s been an accident by the bridge over the tracks! A filly was killed! Run over by a train!”

Pinkie’s jaw dropped.

“Oh, how awful!” said Rarity as her face contorted to reflect her sympathy. “Was it the filly of anypony we know?” Rainbow shook her head rapidly.

“That’s just it!” shouted Rainbow. “The emergency crew hasn’t identified the body yet so nopony knows who it was!” Rainbow Dash firmly held onto Rarity’s shoulders and looked at her with desperate eyes. “Rarity– please tell me you know where the Crusaders are!”

“The Crusaders?” asked Rarity. “Sweetie Belle said she’d be with her friends at their clubhouse at Sweet Apple Acres. Oh, the poor dears; the filly might be a friend of theirs from sch-” Rarity’s pupils narrowed and she screamed as she grasped Rainbow Dash’s meaning: the deceased filly might be Sweetie Belle or one of the other Crusaders. Rarity might have fainted were it not for the dire need to stay alert and verify that her sister was alive and well. “Oh, my! You don’t think that...?”

“I dunno! That’s why we’ve gotta make sure! I’ll fly ahead and meet you at their clubhouse!”

“Oh, Sweetie Belle, please be all right!” Rarity turned her head in every which direction and trotted in place, not sure what to do first. Her heart rate soared and her stomach turned. Finally deciding on a course of action, she used her magic to toss her shop keys to Pinkie as she ran for the door. “Pinkie, I’m sorry but I have to go to Sweet Apple Acres! Please lock up for me!”

Pinkie nodded once, catching the keychain in her teeth effortlessly. As Rarity ran off to find her sister, Pinkie was now alone in Carousel Boutique. She turned her head and looked into the featureless faces of Rarity’s ponnequins and she trembled as she found herself haunted by several unanswered questions. What if the blood that flowed from her eyes earlier was indeed a Pinkie sense signal that was portending the death of this unidentified filly? What if the filly was a native Ponyvillian friend of hers? And if this really was a Pinkie sense sign, how would everypony else react to her if they saw her shedding these horrifying tears of blood when she was out in public? Would they still want to be her friends if they knew that she was a harbinger of death?

Applejack was out in the north field of Sweet Apple Acres penciling in some crop tallies on a sheet of paper attached to a clipboard. The sun would not be out for too much longer and so she hurried to get the final figures for the day’s harvest so that she wouldn’t have any catch-up work to do tomorrow morning. She caught a mistake she made on her worksheet and turned the pencil around with her lips to erase it. She wasn’t fond of the taste of pencil erasers or graphite but she was even less fond of mouthwriting with a flimsy quill. Despite her lamentation, she had done farm-related accounting work for all of her adult life and would continue do so for the remainder of her life. Complaining once would mean that she had a complaint for life and she saw no reason to load her wagon with domestic grief when the foreign variety such as insects, droughts and floods were already weighing her down. Having erased her mistake, she blew the eraser fragments away and began to turn the pencil back around to its writing position.

“Applejack!” shouted Rainbow Dash as she hovered ten feet above the earth pony.

Applejack was so startled by Rainbow’s sudden shout that she bit clean through her pencil’s eraser which caused the pencil itself to fall to the ground as well as sending a chunk of eraser down Applejack’s throat. She reflexively swallowed the eraser chunk.

“Augh!” cried Applejack, grimacing and sticking out her tongue. “Well... at least it wouldn’t be the worst thing ah’ve swallowed.” She frowned at Rainbow and growled. “Cornsarn it, Rain-”

“Meet me at your sister’s clubhouse – stat!” blurted Rainbow before flying off at breakneck speed in the direction of the clubhouse, leaving a radiant rainbow trail in her wake. Applejack quickly planted a hoof atop her hat to keep it from being blown away.

“Ya know I ain’t got time fer none o’ yer silly fan club meetin’s, Rainbow,” said Applejack. “Ah’ve got a harvest ta count! Dadblasted mare’s got a head bigger’n mah family’s orchard.” Muttering to herself, Applejack picked up her pencil and resumed her work. Off in the distance, she heard somepony’s thundering hooves galloping toward her and she quickly spat out her pencil to prevent any further accidental consumption of writing implements. A few seconds later, Rarity came running into view. The unicorn was exerting herself to keep up with Rainbow Dash’s rainbow trail which was slowly fading away.

“Rarity?” queried Applejack. “What in tarnation’s goin’ on?”

“Follow us, Applejack!” cried Rarity as she ran past Applejack.

Applejack snorted to clear her nostrils of the dust clouds that Rarity had left in her wake. She muttered some more and picked up her pencil and clipboard to continue counting her apples. She stopped counting for a moment and looked in the direction of the clubhouse. The worry present in Rarity’s tone gave Applejack cause for concern. The fashionista wasn’t known for attending Rainbow Dash’s fan club meetings and Applejack was slowly becoming more and more convinced that something more important was taking place at the clubhouse. Was it more important than her work? There would be no way to find out unless she checked it out herself. She alternated between looking at her clipboard and the path to the clubhouse.

“Oh, fer Pete’s sake,” said Applejack, spitting out her pencil. “This had better be worth it.” Nudging her hat forward, Applejack galloped to the clubhouse.

Apple Bloom walked gingerly up the ramp leading to the front door of the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse. During her visit to the house, she had prepared several peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a thermos of lemonade, both of which she carried in her saddlebags. The refreshments weren’t at risk of being damaged had she walked at a normal pace. The reason Apple Bloom was taking such delicate hoofsteps was so that she could walk around the side of the clubhouse undetected and mischievously startle her friends by screaming at them through the window. She had made it to the top of the steps and as she prepared to turn, she heard Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle’s voices well enough to make out what they were saying.

“Come on, Sweetie Belle,” begged Scootaloo. “Be a pal.”

“No,” declared Sweetie Belle.

“Just once?”

“Uh-uh.”

Apple Bloom knew it was wrong to eavesdrop on her friends but she couldn’t resist the urge to do so. She placed her ear against the front door and listened in on the conversation.

“Aren’t you even the least bit curious about what it’s like?” asked Scootaloo.

“No,” said Sweetie Belle.

“How could you not be? Didn’t you think it looked fun the first time you saw it?”

“Well... okay, so maybe it looked a little fun... but I’d feel weird doing it myself.”

Feel weird about what? wondered Apple Bloom.

“You’d be doing it with me, though,” noted Scootaloo. “That’s got to count for something, right?”

“I’d just feel so embarrassed if anypony saw us doing it.” said Sweetie Belle.

If anypony saw them doin’ what? wondered Apple Bloom.

“Nopony will see us if we do it here and now,” said Scootaloo.

“Apple Bloom should be back here any minute. Why don’t you ask her to do it with you?”

“Because she’d just say that it would be wrong for us to do it.”

“That’s how I feel, which is why I don’t want to do it.”

Apple Bloom scratched her head.

What would ah think is wrong... Wait a second... are they... talkin’ about... Naw, it can’t be. Can it? Aw, come on, girls! In our clubhouse? What’s the matter with y’all? Wait... think logically, Apple Bloom. They’re your friends. Applejack says that ya’ve gotta give your friends the benefit of the doubt.

“What if I let you borrow my scooter for a day?” asked Scootaloo.

“You’d really let me borrow your scooter for a whole day?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“If you promise to take good care of it, sure. Do we have a deal?”

“Well... all right.”

“Awesome! Are you ready?”

“Yeah, I guess. Just don’t do it too fast.”

“I won’t. Okay, so first you lift your right hind leg while I lift my left hind leg-”

“I know, I know.”

All right, that does it! thought Apple Bloom. Benefit, schmenefit! Ah’m goin’ in... an’ if they’re doin’ what ah think they’re doin’ on mah family’s property, ah’ll whoop the tar outta both of ‘em!

Apple Bloom swung open the front door and marched inside, hoping not to see anything she would regret seeing and ready to discipline her friends, if necessary.

She did not see Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle doing anything that she regretted seeing. What she did see them doing was still very unexpected.

“Bump, bump, sugar lump rump,” said Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo simultaneously as they performed all four steps of Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s trademark hoofshake. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo shared a giggle after completing the final rump bump step. The giggling stopped once they turned their attention to the door and saw that Apple Bloom had seen them doing the hoofshake of the enemy. They quickly disengaged their rumps and stood apart from one another in embarrassment, fearing that they could now be tried for high treason.

Apple Bloom said nothing. She simply stood and stared with her jaw hanging open.

“Oh, h-hi, Apple Bloom!” said Sweetie Belle nervously as beads of sweat ran down her forehead. “N-Now before you say anything, I want you to know that I still love our official Cutie Mark Crusader high hoof. What you saw was just...” Sweetie Belle struggled to remember the expression that she had heard Rarity use. “...a flight of fancy. It meant nothing to me – honest!”

“Uh, yeah, same here,” said Scootaloo, perspiring enough to rival Sweetie Belle. “I-I wouldn’t have done it at all... except... Sweetie Belle here was practically begging me to do it with her so I caved in.” Scootaloo’s mouth scrunched up and her eyes shifted from side to side.

“What?” squeaked Sweetie Belle as she faced Scootaloo. “That’s a lie! Apple Bloom deserves to know the truth...” Sweetie Belle smirked diabolically at Scootaloo. “Maybe starting with the true story of a filly that shared a kiss with Featherweight last Hearts and Hooves Day?”

Scootaloo gasped and her face turned red. She pointed a quivering hoof at Sweetie Belle and bared her teeth.

“One more word – just one – and you’ll be sorry!” Scootaloo bumped both forehooves together as she stared at Sweetie Belle, illustrating that she meant business.

“Geez Louise, Scootaloo. What’s the big deal? It was just one little kiss...” Sweetie Belle smiled. “...with tongue.”

In the blink of an eye, Scootaloo leapt at Sweetie Belle and the two fillies began brawling in a rolling cloud of dust.

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh,” said Apple Bloom as she finally pieced together her friends’ earlier words and matched them against the hoof bump. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle stopped fighting and looked at Apple Bloom.

“What do you mean ‘ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh’?” asked Scootaloo, struggling to catch her breath.

“And what are you smiling about?” asked Sweetie Belle who was also huffing and puffing.

Apple Bloom lay on her back, covered her face with her hooves and snickered, amused by how silly it was of her to have assumed the worst of her friends. Confused by the laughter, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at each other before looking at Apple Bloom once more.

“What’s so funny?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Ah thought y’all were... doin’ somethin’ completely different,” said Apple Bloom. She bit her lip and continue to snort and chuckle.

“Like what?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, like what, Apple Bloom?” asked Scootaloo with a bit more suspicion in her tone than in Sweetie Belle’s.

“Ummm...” Apple Bloom hesitated to reveal her theory, fully expecting Scootaloo to throttle her for suggesting such a thing. “Ah thought you were gonna try ta make Sweetie Belle-”

“SQUIRT!”

All three fillies screamed from the startling shout of a stranger in the clubhouse. They looked in the direction of the shout and saw Rainbow Dash hovering by the front door mere moments before she flew straight into Scootaloo and tackle her. Both protege and mentor rolled across the floor together in a two-pony ball and when they came to a stop, Rainbow Dash was on her back and hugging Scootaloo tightly in her forelegs.

Overjoyed that Scootaloo was safe and sound, Rainbow openly wept tears of relief in between her gasping. The sound was alien to the fillies since they had never heard Rainbow Dash cry before. Ordinarily, Scootaloo was opposed to engaging in public displays of affection but if it was with Rainbow Dash, she could make an exception.

“R-Rainbow Dash, what gives?” asked Scootaloo, stumped as to what had brought about this hurried embrace.

Rainbow Dash looked up at the living, breathing and unharmed Scootaloo who appeared to be warped due to the tears and smiled.

“I love you, squirt,” squeaked Rainbow Dash, her voice cracking in random spots. Her eyes were shut tightly and the fur below them was a darker shade of blue where it was damp with tear trails that were continuously being provided with more liquid. “You might have thought that I did or hoped that I did but I never actually told you. I’m so sorry about that. When you want to be cool, you avoid doing things that might make you look soft. But when I thought I might’ve lost you, I was so scared. I thought that my stupid pride cost me my only chance to tell you... and now that I have a second chance, I’m not gonna waste it. I want to say it, I want you to hear it and I want you to know it! I love you so much, Scoots.” With that, Rainbow placed a kiss atop Scootaloo’s forehead.

Rainbow Dash’s heartfelt words had obliterated the walls of Scootaloo’s ego as easily as the tide washes a sandcastle away from the shore. With tears rapidly swelling in her eyes and her heart bursting with a level of happiness she had never felt before, Scootaloo bawled out loud with the gusto of a filly half her age. She couldn’t help it. She had just received confirmation that she had something which she wanted more than a Cutie Mark, perhaps even more than she wanted to fly. She had the love of the pony she looked up to more than anypony else. Scootaloo hugged Rainbow Dash back and tried to thank her and say that she loved her in return but her throat had a lump in it and all that came out of her mouth was a squeaky croaking sound, followed by more crying.

Tears welled up in Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom’s eyes, moved by the display of affection that their best friend had received. As they wiped their eyes, they looked at one another and shared a smile. Like Scootaloo, they wondered what had prompted Rainbow Dash to come here but not enough to interrupt this beautiful moment.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle’s ears angled toward the door as they heard hoofsteps clunking haphazardly against the ramp and they turned around to see who was coming to visit them.

Rarity scrambled into the clubhouse and squealed with happiness as she set her eyes upon Sweetie Belle. Without missing a beat, she ran toward her sister and dropped to her rump, sliding across the floor. When Sweetie Belle was within reach, Rarity hugged her tightly and lifted her off the floor.

Seeing this entrance made Apple Bloom glad that she had taken the time to carefully sand down the clubhouse’s floorboards during its reconstruction. She had no doubt that Rarity’s plot appreciated it, too.

“Oh, Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle, Sweetie Belle...” said Rarity as she wept and sniffled, exhausted from her sprint and thankful that her brief yet harrowing nightmare was now over. Her sister was alive and well and she snuggled her closely. “Oh, thank Celestia you’re all right. I am so happy to see you, my sister. So very, very happy. I don’t know what I’d do if anything ever happened to you.”

“Rarity?” asked Sweetie Belle. “What’s going on?”

Rarity hesitated to mention the victim of the train accident.

“Wh-What’s going on... is... that I know a certain little sister who will be accompanying her big sister on a week long trip to Manehattan when summer vacation comes. We’ll visit all the tourist attractions, go shopping and dine in the finest restaurants... oh, we’ll have the most wonderful time together, you and I.”

Sweetie Belle gasped deeply.

“For real ?!” asked Sweetie Belle excitedly. “Can we visit Babs while we’re there?”

“Whatever your little heart desires.” Rarity cradled her little sister’s head in her forelegs and stroked the crest of her mane with her hoof.

Sweetie Belle was so overjoyed by the prospect of a Manehattan vacation with Rarity that she screamed with happiness and wiggled her hind legs. A few tiny green sparks of magic even burst forth from the tip of her still dormant horn. Rarity managed to sneak a chuckle through her sobs. She had never been so happy to hear that shrill cry of her sister’s.

“I love you, Sweetie Belle,” said Rarity, placing her sister back on the floor.

“Awwww, and I love you, too, Rarity! You’re the best big sister ever!” Sweetie Belle initiated a new hug which Rarity happily returned.

As Rarity wiped away a tear, she noticed that Sweetie Belle’s mane was rough looking and areas of her coat were raised and matted with moisture.

“You look rather disheveled, Sweetie Belle,” noted Rarity as she sniffled and began fixing her sister’s mane with magic. “Were you in an altercation?”

“I wouldn’t exactly call it an altercation.” Sweetie Belle craned her neck out and addressed Scootaloo. “That means a fight, dodo; something you obviously can’t do without biting once every two seconds!”

Scootaloo heard Sweetie Belle put down her fighting prowess and she did her best to break free of Rainbow Dash’s hug to continue their fight but couldn’t escape.

“Oh, so you want me to kick your plot some more, secret spiller?” asked Scootaloo angrily.

“Is that what you think happened?” asked Sweetie Belle as she tried to escape Rarity’s grasp to pound Scootaloo. “I must have hit you harder than I thought. Come here so I can smack you until you remember it right!” Sweetie Belle stopped moving for a moment to look up at Rarity. “Seriously, she fights like a snake.”

Scootaloo blew a raspberry at Sweetie Belle in response to this insult and Sweetie Belle retorted with a raspberry of her own. That provoked Scootaloo to flail her legs about once again to remove herself from Rainbow Dash’s grasp and Sweetie Belle quickly followed suit. Both Rainbow Dash and Rarity held on to their respective wriggling holy terrors and smiled at one another, wordlessly communicating an absolute truth: girls would be girls.

Apple Bloom’s mouth hung open in a smile of excitement as she turned to face the door. By her reckoning, if what had happened to Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle was some sort of trend, it wouldn’t be long before Applejack would come running through the door to hug her to lavish her with affection. Apple Bloom heard the sound of hoofsteps coming up the ramp and she stood on her hind legs, hopping up and down and waving her forelegs in anticipation of her tearfully happy big sister’s arrival. With any luck, Applejack might even have a special surprise for her on par with Rarity’s vacation.

Applejack entered the clubhouse at a pace that was far more relaxed than Rainbow Dash’s or Rarity’s.

Apple Bloom froze. Her smile faded away and was replaced by a look of dejection and confusion. Her big sister didn’t appear to be any happier to see her than usual.

“Applejack?” said Apple Bloom. “Ah’m over here.” She waved her forelegs once more to attract Applejack’s attention.

“Ah can see that,” said Applejack. "'Scuse me."

“Don’t ah at least get a hug?”

“Later, sugarcube,” said Applejack, patting Apple Bloom on the head with a hoof as she walked past her on her way to Rainbow Dash and Rarity.

Apple Bloom frowned and let her mouth hang open in disapproval.

“It’s... just... not... fair,” said Apple Bloom as she sat in a corner and sulked. Her lower lip jutted out to form the pout to end all pouts.

“Now that we’re all here,” said Applejack, “anypony mind tellin’ me what all the commotion’s about?”

Rarity looked to Rainbow Dash and saw that the pegasus was too wrapped up in cuddling Scootaloo to answer Applejack’s question. She sniffled, cleared her throat and swallowed.

“My apologies, Applejack,” said Rarity. “And please forgive us for our intrusion, Crusaders, but we’ve received some tragic news... and while I wish it wasn’t so, sharing it with you will regretfully cost you some of your innocence.”

Apple Bloom stopped pouting and turned around to see that Rarity was quite serious. Rainbow Dash released Scootaloo and walked her over to Rarity before taking a seat behind Scootaloo and nestling against Scootaloo’s back with a wing wrapped around her. Rainbow nodded at Rarity to indicate that she should be the one to break the news to Applejack and the kids. The unicorn’s sophisticated manner of speech was definitely better suited to lessen the blow of such horrible news than her own blunt way of talking – and she wanted the news broken to the Cutie Mark Crusaders as gently as possible.

Diamond Tiara sat on one of several red plastic chairs that were bolted to the floor of a medium sized white room that was imprinted with the nearly overwhelming smell of freshly dried paint. Apart from the rows of chairs against the walls, there was a similarly bolted coffee table every five chairs; most contained newspapers and empty paper cups left behind by previous occupants. The walls were adorned with a multitude of posters and leaflets informing detainees of their rights. She had been placed in this room by one of the officers that had brought Silver Spoon and her to the Ponyville Police Precinct for questioning. They had been separated immediately upon arrival and, after Diamond Tiara had wrapped up her interrogation, it was determined that she would be detained here until her father came to get her. Diamond Tiara looked up at the ceiling and saw the dozens of fireflies buzzing around in the light fixtures. The poor creatures were just as trapped in this place as she was. She didn’t like it here. She was out of her element. She had no control over when she could leave, she had missed her supper, she wanted Silver Spoon to keep her company and she wanted her tiara back. The police had confiscated it when she was processed for detention and she was told she would get it back when she was released. She had become so accustomed to the tiara’s weight that its absence was exacerbating the headache she had from the bump on her head where Twist struck her. The more she pondered her situation, the angrier she became – which only made her head hurt more.

She tried to put her woes out of her mind but she was unsuccessful. She fancied herself a genius and geniuses couldn’t stop thinking. They had too much brainpower to suppress their thoughts. She wasn’t like the rest of her class that was mostly comprised of dimwits, nitwits and halfwits who could probably clear their minds with the assistance of a stray butterfly or a shiny object. Even the Cutie Mark Crusaders were out of her league. Their simple blank flank minds and their pathetic small potatoes goals were so miniscule compared to Diamond Tiara’s destiny that it was truly laughable. She had big plans for the future and, oddly enough, she had Twist to thank for it.

Or she would – if Twist wasn’t dead.

Two earth pony fillies, one with a red coat and a white mane and the other with a white coat and a green mane, shared the room with her. They were talking to one another at the far end by the barred windows. Diamond Tiara had been keeping an eye on these two from the moment they were placed in this room with her fifteen minutes earlier. She assumed that they were accomplices who had been caught committing some sort of petty criminal act together and were also waiting for their parents to pick them up. The red-coated filly, who was the burlier of the pair, approached Diamond Tiara with a condescending smirk and a pompous swagger that Diamond knew all too well; she could tell that this one meant to pick on her.

“What did you do to get thrown in here, precious?” asked the filly sarcastically. “Tear a ‘do not remove’ tag off of a cushion at Quills and Sofas?” Diamond Tiara heard the white-coated filly by the window snicker at the red one’s comment. Laughter at her expense was something that Diamond Tiara would not tolerate from anypony.

“If you must know, I killed a filly in cold blood,” stated Diamond Tiara boldly as she closed her eyes. She hopped off her chair, stood on her hind legs and swung her forehooves forward to simulate a push. “Shoved her sorry plot into the path of an oncoming train like it was nothing. You can read all about it in tomorrow morning’s Ponyville Express headline. Unless you’d rather be tomorrow evening’s headline. In which case, keep sticking your nose in my business. I don’t have any spare trains on me, though. Guess we’ll both find out how creative I can be.” Diamond Tiara scraped her right forehoof against the tile flooring to show that she wasn’t afraid to throw down and fight – not even with dozens of police officers right outside the door. She had never had a fight in her life. She knew that showing fear or weakness would do more harm than good. The front she was putting up was fueled by her renewed confidence and her belief in her new mission. It was still a bit of a gamble to escalate this situation and she hoped that she wasn’t sweating. The filly chuckled at Diamond’s bravado and chose not to call her bluff. She coolly walked back to her associate. Diamond Tiara smirked.

“Magic,” she whispered to herself as a gaggle of goosebumps ran down her back.

The door to the detention room opened and all eyes fell on the supervising officer who had unlocked it. He brought in a gray filly who resembled Silver Spoon. She looked haggard and pallid as though she was pulling the weight of the world on a wagon. She walked slowly with her head hung low and her eyes were bloodshot as though she had been crying. Diamond Tiara stood on her hind legs.

“Silver,” called out Diamond Tiara as she waved her hoof to catch her attention. When Silver Spoon heard her name called, she looked up and saw Diamond Tiara.

“Diamond!” whimpered Silver Spoon as she ran to her and grabbed her in a hug. Silver Spoon was relieved to be reunited with her best friend and she began to cry. As Diamond Tiara held her friend, she found that she enjoyed the contact. It was a good thing to have a friend. Diamond Tiara turned her head to look at the two fillies and saw that they were watching her.

“It’s okay, girls,” said Diamond Tiara. “Silver here was my bitch from my last stint in juvy and she’s just happy to see me.” To pad her lie further, Diamond Tiara gave Silver Spoon a smack across the buttocks.

“What do you think you’re doing?” whispered a blushing Silver Spoon.

“Take it easy," said Diamond Tiara. "I’m just polishing my rep, that’s all. It’s how you survive in the joint. Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not,” said Silver Spoon, sniffling as she spoke. “I’m better now that I’m with you but, no, I’m really not okay.”

“I finished talking to the detective over an hour ago. Why did they keep you so long?”

“I was crying too much for them to understand what I was saying. And when I wasn’t crying, I was fainting. They had a nurse who gave me some frosted oatmeal cookies and some orange juice to get my blood sugar up. That must have done the trick because I didn’t faint again. I calmed down enough to talk but I still cried a lot, though.”

Diamond Tiara’s mouth hung open.

“White frosting?” she asked.

“Hm? Oh. No, pink frosting,” replied Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara’s eyes grew wide and she nibbled her forehooves.

“I... adore... pink frosted oatmeal cookies!" exclaimed Diamond Tiara. "Were they moist and chewy or dry and crispy?” She held out a hoof to stop Silver Spoon from answering. “No, wait, I don’t want to know. Nnnnnnnnnn, okay, tell me, I do want to know!”

“Moist and chewy.”

“Son of a mule! I didn’t even get a lousy saltine cracker with my cup of water!”

“Did you faint?”

Diamond Tiara turned her head and directed her voice to the door.

“Well, I GUESS that I’ll HAVE to since it LOOKS like that’s the only way a filly can get a DECENT SNACK AROUND HERE!” she shouted.

“Do I have to come in there?” said a voice that came from behind the door.

“Isn’t that what the mailpony asked your mom?” asked Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon slapped her hooves over her mouth to keep from laughing at Diamond Tiara’s suggestive comment. There was no reply.

“Diamond, what is wrong with you?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Life on the inside has a way of changing a pony, Silver Spoon,” replied Diamond Tiara with an introspective gleam in her eye.

Silver Spoon was perplexed by this answer.

“What did you end up telling the police officers?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“I told them everything they wanted to know," answered Silver Spoon. "I told them the truth about what happened.” She hung her head in shame.

“Good. That’s exactly what I did. If you had told them lies, our stories wouldn’t have matched and this would have been a lot messier.” Diamond raised an eyebrow and held Silver Spoon’s braid in her hoof. “Hey... where’s your scrunchie?”

“It was confiscated along with my pearls.”

“They confiscated... a scrunchie? Seriously?”

“They’ll give my stuff back when we get out of here.”

“That’s not the point. I get why they took my tiara... I could even understand the pearls... but what harm could anypony possibly do with a scrunchie? Did they think you’d make a shiv out of it? It’s just one stupid thing after another with these cops” Diamond Tiara winced and held her head with her hoof.

“I was told that some pegasus police officers have flown off to find my parents so that they can pick me up. Are your pare- I mean... is your father coming to get you?” It had momentarily slipped Silver Spoon’s mind that Diamond Tiara refused to speak about her mother, a mare that Silver had never even seen from the dozen or so times she had visited Diamond Tiara’s home.

“Yeah, but I’m his little girl. If I explain to him that this was just a harmless prank that went badly, I’m sure that he’ll understand.”

“I don’t know what my parents will do when they find out what happened. I live in Ponyville but they’ve got houses all over Equestria and they work in Canterlot most of the time. Oh, Diamond Tiara, if they take me out of Ponyville Elementary, you and I will be separated! I know that sounds, like, super shallow of me to think about myself with all that’s happened but I really don’t want to attend another school.”

“Hey, relax, they’re not going to take you out of school over this.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Silver Spoon, our parents are rich and the law doesn’t apply to rich ponies the way it does to poor ponies. And we didn’t...” Diamond Tiara lowered her voice. “And we didn’t kill anypony, okay? Nothing bad is going to happen to us.”

“I remember hearing you say something like that before... and Twist was...” Silver Spoon’s voiced trailed off as she recalled the details of the train colliding with Twist. “I feel like it was my fault. I was scared. I didn’t want to get hurt fighting her and I didn’t want her to hurt you. I was the one who told her to go home. My ears are still ringing from the screech of that train slamming on its brakes.”

“Yeah... about that. Let’s take a walk.”

Silver Spoon followed Diamond Tiara to the farthest corner of the detention room and they sat side by side in the same chair. Diamond Tiara slumped forward and rested her forelegs on her lap. She drew in a long breath and released it slowly as if to prepare herself for sharing something with Silver Spoon that was of greater substance than their usual conversations.

“For as long as I can remember, my dad called me ‘Princess’. I grew up in a mansion so, not knowing any better, I believed that I was a real princess. We didn’t leave our home much back then so I only knew what princesses were from the bedtime stories my dad used to read to me.”

“Your dad read you bedtime stories?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Well, yeah,” replied Diamond Tiara. “Not so much anymore since I’m bigger now and I don’t read kid’s books. Do you mean your dad never read to you?”

“No.” Silver Spoon’s ears drooped. “All he’s ever read to me are boring old newspaper reviews of his fashion shows or his boutique in Canterlot. And my mom’s accent is so annoying that I’d rather she didn’t read to me. I could have asked one of my governesses but I’ve been told not to get attached to them since they could leave on any given day.”

“That’s so sad. Every foal should be read a bedtime story at least once. Anyway, as I was saying...”

“Oh, yeah. Sorry.”

“That’s okay. I learned that princesses were special mares with great power, a land to rule, et cetera, et cetera. When I was still really small, my dad took me to a Canterlot Summer Sun Celebration so that I could see Princess Celestia, a real alicorn princess. She was beautiful... and a little scary because she was so tall. Everypony was cheering for her because they loved her so much. I could hardly believe that I was going to be just like her. In the crowd of ponies were some pegasus foals around my age that had wings and some unicorn foals with their horns but as a princess, I was going to have both and that automatically made me better than them. I asked my dad when my wings and horn would grow in and he told me that those were body parts you had to be born with. It broke my heart. I felt like I had been lied to. The truth was that I wasn’t special; not in the way that an alicorn was. When I saw Princess Celestia raise the sun, I knew for sure that I had been lied to. She could move the sun and the moon and I couldn’t even move the dining room table. I was so jealous and frustrated over my powerlessness that I cried. When you’re a powerless little earth pony filly, what else can you do, right? I was born an earth pony and I was going to stay an earth pony, whether I liked it or not. Mediocrity was my destiny and I hated mediocrity. I made the best of what talents I did have by winning the Little Miss Equestria Beauty Pageant. It was my first accolade – and I also got my cutie mark from it – but it was nothing compared to being an alicorn. Being editor-in-chief of The Foal Free Press was fun while it lasted but it was also a lot of hard work to keep it running smoothly. Everything else seemed third rate. But today? Today, when Twist walked away from us after she attacked me and I said ‘you’re a dead pony’ and she got hit by that train, I felt something. Just like that, she went from being alive to being dead; like, right after I said it. I know that it was just a freak accident... but...”

A tear formed in Diamond Tiara’s eye and she hung her head. Silver Spoon rubbed her back to comfort her.

“But... Tartaros, Silver Spoon...” Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and spoke in a hushed whisper through clenched teeth. “In that moment, it felt as though I commanded that train to mow her down – like I had real power coursing through me; the power to crush my enemies through sheer force of will. For that one glorious moment, I controlled magic. I was a real princess for a full second...” Diamond Tiara raised her head. She still had a tear in her eye but it was not shed out of pity or regret – but of joy. “...and I loved it.”

Silver Spoon’s pupils narrowed in astonishment as she saw Diamond Tiara smile wider than she had ever seen her smile before. She was incredulous that Diamond Tiara took something away from Twist’s death other than remorse.

“It was the closest I’ve ever come to having bona fide magic powers,” continued Diamond Tiara. “And now that I’ve had a taste of it, I want more. I am hooked and I need more; as much as I can get. I know now that I won’t ever be satisfied with any other pursuit in life. If you had asked me yesterday what I thought of Twist, I would have said that she was useless but now I know that she had a purpose. Her purpose was to teach me something. What I’ve learned from here is this: I’ve wasted so much time whining about the lemons that I’ve been given that I never even considered making lemonade. I won’t give in to mediocrity just because I’m not an alicorn. I may not be able to fly or use magic but I can take whatever power an earth pony can get her hooves on... and I won’t stop until I have it all. And I know exactly how to go about getting it.”

“H-How?” asked Silver Spoon as she suppressed her dismay.

“Well, for starters, I’m beautiful,” said Diamond Tiara, driving her point home by primping her mane. “Attractive ponies will always have an edge over average ponies just like rich ones have an edge over poor ones. When you’re rich, beautiful and talented, the world is your hay bale. You know how Miss Cheerilee teaches us about famous political figures in our history lessons?” Silver Spoon nodded. “Ponies respected them and gave them power by voting them into office. Even though they’re long gone, foals are still studying them in schools all over Equestria. That’s what I’ll be! A politician! When the time is right, I’ll run for mayor of Ponyville. My daddy has money and he’s made lots of connections with important ponies. When I tell him that I want to be a politician, I just know that he’ll contribute to my campaign fund. When I’m in the race, I’ll make all sorts of promises to voters that I have no intention of keeping once I win the election – and I’ll win it by a landslide. Then, big business ponies will throw their money my way to pass or prevent new laws that affect their bottom line and I’ll be sitting prettier than I’m already sitting.”

“That doesn’t sound anything at all like what Miss Cheerilee said politicians are supposed to do. Are you sure that’s how it works?”

“Positive. And then, when my term is up, I’ll run for even higher offices! And I’ll win those elections by landslides, too! You’ll see. Ponies everywhere will be falling over themselves giving rich, beautiful, talented me the power that I crave; the power I should have had since birth! I’ll be a princess in power, if not in body. The hardest part will be the wait but once I’m there, oh, Silver Spoon, it-will-be-glorious! Everypony in Equestria will be a guppy in my fishbowl! And then... when I’m second in power to Princess Celestia herself...” Diamond Tiara paused for a while and rubbed her chin pensively. “When I’m second in power... to Princess Celestia herself... we’ll see.”

Silver Spoon recoiled as she looked into Diamond Tiara’s eyes. They were still blue and beautiful but she saw a darkness there that she had never noticed before. She saw a lust for power, the determination to make her dream a reality and an Equestria razed to the ground in the name of personal gain.

“Yeah,” continued Diamond Tiara. “We’ll see if the sun can set... on an alicorn princess.” She slowly ran her tongue along her lower lip from one corner of her mouth to the other.

Silver Spoon desperately wanted to believe that she did not hear what was said. There wasn’t even a hint of ambiguity about Diamond Tiara’s intentions: she was actually contemplating regicide. It would be decades until she could act on these thoughts but Silver Spoon reasoned that if anypony could pull it off, it was Diamond Tiara.

“But every journey starts with a single step,” said Diamond Tiara. “Which is why I’ll need your help.”

“M-My help? Why would you need my help? It sounds to me like you’ve got everything already figured out. My parents are wealthy but I’m just an ordinary filly.”

“What a blank flank way to talk about yourself! You are no ordinary filly, Silver Spoon. Didn’t I just say how I hated mediocrity? I wouldn’t waste my time with ordinary foals. You are special. You’re the horseshoes beneath my hooves.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. When I’m at the top, it’s going to get pretty lonely. I’ll need a smart personal assistant-slash-campaign manager-slash-public relations manager; somepony who’ll look out for my best interests when everypony else around me is only looking to win my favor. And it would help if that somepony was the only pony that I can always count on to be on my side and have my back. I know that you don’t have experience in that field but I have faith in your ability to catch on quickly. I just know that you’ll be perfect for the job. While I’m learning how to be a successful politician, you’ll learn all there is to know about how to get me on the ballot, how to keep me in office and how to keep me looking great. Now I know what you’re thinking: what’s in it for me? Well, I’ll see to it that you’ll be the highest paid mare in all of Equestria. You’ll have an experienced PR firm working for you around the clock. You’ll have so much money that it’ll make your inheritance look like chump change. You’ll have the finest clothes, homes all over the world and the most beautiful filly-fooler mares just dying for a chance to wake up next to you in the morning.”

“Diamond, please.”

“Sorry," said Diamond Tiara, covering her mouth. "It’s the salespony in me." She held Silver Spoon's hoof in her own. "Please say that you’ll be my right hoof mare, Silver Spoon. I could get to where I want to go without you but I wouldn’t last long without a true friend by my side.”

“If you really need me that badly, how could I possibly refuse? Count me in, boss.”

“Thank you. I promise that you won’t regret this. When we get out of this stupid police station, you and I are going to have the best slumber party ever at my house... and right before we go to sleep, how about I read you your very first bedtime story?”

A much needed smile came to Silver Spoon’s face. She was elated to see that Diamond Tiara was not so far gone that she had forgotten that their bond still meant something. If nothing else, it meant that there was still hope that her friend could change.

“I’d like that.”

Silver Spoon was able to come to terms with this partnership by telling herself that she had time on her side. If she was as invaluable to Diamond Tiara as she had made her out to be, she would hold some influence over Diamond’s day-to-day decision making. She would use her power benevolently. The construction of a public park here, funding a medical research facility there – and before anypony could catch on, Diamond Tiara would become a name that was synonymous with progress. And if Diamond ever protested the use of these funds, she would point to some figures on paper and state that these projects were improving her image, thus ensuring her reelection. If all else failed, she would simply threaten to quit if the funding was cut. It was a simple solution and she was proud of herself for thinking of it.

Somepony opened the door. It was the police officer who placed them there.

“Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara?” asked the officer.

“Right here,” said Silver Spoon.

“Your parents are here to take you home,” said the officer. “You can pick up your personal effects at the front desk.”

“Finally!” exclaimed Diamond Tiara. “I’m going to eat reheated quiche until I explode.” As she trotted toward the door, she turned her head to face the fillies staying behind. “It’s been real, girls. Vote for Diamond Tiara. That is, assuming that you still have the right to vote by the time you’re old enough to register.”

“Hey, Silver Spoon,” said the white-coated filly with a smirk.

Silver Spoon stopped walking and turned around, preparing herself for some silly remark about her name. Diamond Tiara did the same.

“Look me up if you’re ever back in juvy minus your pink friend,” said the filly. “I’d love to have you as my bitch.”

Diamond Tiara’s face scrunched as she stifled a snicker.

Silver Spoon grinned awkwardly and blushed. She had never been hit on before by either a colt or a filly and even though the proposition was tarnished with vulgarity, she was surprised to find that she was flattered in a way. The fact that it was a filly hitting on her was icing on the cookie.

“Honestly, I can’t take you anywhere,” said Diamond Tiara with a smirk. She grabbed Silver Spoon’s braid in her mouth and continued to walk out the door. Silver Spoon yelped and followed hastily with a pained smile.

Apathy

Author's Note

I've decided to make my chapters much shorter. This will create the illusion of faster updates.

Apathy

The Toity Finish Estate was a jointly owned mansion which stood on the premium side of Ponyville where both Hoity Toity and/or his wife Photo Finish stayed whenever they were in town, which was not often. While Ponyville never appealed to either of them, they decided not to sell the estate because it was the only property of theirs that their only child, Silver Spoon, liked enough to call home. It was also the only property they owned in which Silver Spoon did not get lost on a regular basis, a distinction which had a lot to do with her fondness for it. The estate was adequately staffed so although Hoity Toity and Photo Finish may not have conducted enough business in Ponyville long enough for them to visit Silver Spoon often, somepony was always available should their daughter have need of anything other than her parents. Everypony who was employed at the estate was quite fond of Silver Spoon and, knowing her eccentric parents the way they did, they often wondered if she was adopted.

The fashion merchant and the high profile photographer were a detached couple at best and could be perceived as competent parents provided that one knew nothing about them. Having similar lifestyles and personalities, the two ponies had a whirlwind romance and wed shortly thereafter. Their honeymoon was short lived as they soon discovered that they could not stand each other’s company; the reason being that they had similar lifestyles and personalities. A divorce was in the works but not long before it could be finalized and announced at a press conference, Photo Finish learned that she was carrying Hoity Toity’s foal. True to their clueless nature, neither of them had any idea how this could have happened. Photo Finish refused to believe that she was with child but the five consecutive pregnancy tests she took, which all came up positive, had managed to convince her. (Fluttershy, Ponyville’s animal caretaker extraordinaire, is still offering a five thousand bit reward for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the pony or ponies responsible for killing five wild rabbits and dumping their bodies in a trash bag.) The power couple’s good fortune would continue to evade them as rumors of the pregnancy leaked prior to the date of the press conference. With the eyes of Equestria now upon them like never before, both ponies decided that it would be in their mutual best interests to remain married until their offspring reached an age where he or she could cope with a divorce. Rather than cancel the press conference, it went on as scheduled to announce that the couple was expecting their first foal.

When news of the train accident had reached Hoity Toity and Photo Finish’s public relations managers, they insisted that their clients spend quality time with Silver Spoon at their Ponyville home. Failure to do so might cause the tabloid reporters to fall on them like a pack of rabid timberwolves for denying their daughter the comfort of parental attention following what must have been a traumatic experience for a filly.

A late dinner was served for the three ponies in the dining hall of the Toity Finish estate that evening. Filthy Rich denied Diamond Tiara’s request to allow Silver Spoon to accompany them to their house for a sleepover, thereby separating the two fillies. The members of the kitchen staff were less than thrilled to receive a visit from their employers this evening since they had already served dinner to the rest of the staff when the kitchen was still in operation. Such was the nature of being well paid to be on call at a moment’s notice and the majority of them took it in stride for Silver Spoon’s sake. Like the staff, Silver Spoon was a permanent resident here and she apologized to every member of the kitchen staff for needing their services despite the kitchen officially closing hours ago.

“You simply must tell me what it is about that shabby little school that makes you want to stay enrolled in it so badly, darling,” said Hoity Toity after swallowing the last mouthful of his dinner salad. “Canterlot is home to the most prestigious finishing school for young fillies in all of Equestria. The girls of some of my finest clients are enrolled there... not to mention that you’d be closer to Dad-dyyyy.”

Yeah, right, Dad, thought Silver Spoon. I could be in the same room as you and you’d still be miles away.

“Dad, we’ve been over this,” said Silver Spoon flatly as she agitated her soup with her spoon halfheartedly. She was hungry but did not partake of the food. “My best friend Diamond Tiara attends Ponyville Elementary. I love both of them too much to leave them behind.” Silver Spoon stopped herself from making a snide remark about loving somepony too much to leave them behind being a concept too difficult for her parents to understand.

“If you love them so much, why don’t you marry them?” asked Hoity Toity, doing his best to be corny. He chuckled a rich pony’s chuckle at his own attempt at comedy and looked to his wife Photo Finish for her reaction to it. The blue mare laughed at her husband’s silliness.

“Ha! A filly marryink a schoolhaus!” blurted Photo. “Ha ha ha! Oh, Hoity, you do crack me up.”

Silver Spoon blushed and turned her head as a grin took hold of her face. Having Diamond Tiara’s hoof in marriage was something that would never come to pass. That fact didn’t discourage her from fantasizing about it as often as her free time permitted and when compared to the dream of living a normal life with normal parents, it was actually likelier to come true.

Hoity Toity glanced at his daughter casually but then quickly did a double take. He lowered his sunglasses to examine his daughter’s grin of bliss. He didn’t see her that often but when he did, and she looked happy, it was usually because she and Diamond Tiara were in the midst of a playdate. Hoity Toity stroked his chin and wondered if he had accidentally stumbled onto something with his comical remark.

“Sweetheart?” he said.

Silver Spoon snapped herself out of her daydream and looked up at her father.

“Hm? Yeah?” she asked.

“Are you... in love with Diamond Tiara? As in love love?”

Silver Spoon had picked up some minor skills during her bully apprenticeship with Diamond Tiara. She could taunt. She could bring a foal to tears with nothing but her laughter. She could mock with the best of them. The one skill that she couldn’t get the hang of was lying, especially when the pony to whom the lie was being told was an adult. Furthermore, the more serious the subject matter, the harder it was for her to conceal the truth.

“Oh, Daaaaad,” said Silver Spoon, avoiding eye contact as she waved a hoof at her father. “You’re such a kidder.” She quickly dipped her spoon into her bowl of soup and took a sip. “Mm, you know what? This turnip and cauliflower soup is, like, super yummy!” She flashed a nervous smile to her father, hoping to hold onto her secret a while longer.

Hoity Toity had dealt with enough two-faced ponies in his line of work to know when somepony was trying to change the subject.

“Photo?” called out Hoity Toity. “I believe our daughter is a filly-fooler.”

Silver Spoon had just taken a bite of her dinner roll when her father spilled the beans to her mother who would have been the last pony in Equestria to catch on to her orientation.

“Yah, yah, I knew zat, dear,” muttered Photo Finish. “Vait... our daughter? Silver, is zis true?”

Of all the times that they could have picked to be perceptive, they had to pick now. lamented Silver Spoon to herself. Well, I might as well get this over with. They would have found out sooner or later... and they aren’t especially bright so however they choose to approach this is bound to be stupid.

“Yeah,” sighed Silver Spoon. “It’s true.” The servants had been professionally trained not to listen in on private conversations but, knowing them as she did, Silver Spoon imagined that the revelation she dropped was one that was putting their training to the test.

Photo Finish dropped her salad fork, apparently stunned by the news. It clattered noisily against the edge of her bowl. Her mouth hung open as she cast a bespectacled glance at Hoity Toity.

“Ach! Zis is wunderbar!” exclaimed Photo Finish as she cracked a smile.

“Isn’t it, though?” gushed Hoity Toity who also smiled.

“Dwah?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Can you believe our good fortune?” asked Hoity Toity as he hopped on the dinner table.

“Zis is ze best night effer!” declared Photo Finish as she hopped on to the table and smiled.

The odd couple stood on their hind legs about to hug when they suddenly remembered how little they actually liked one another. They stopped short of embracing and settled for sharing a gentle, congratulatory hoof bump.

“Hold on a sec,” said Silver Spoon as she buttered a dinner roll. “I just admitted that I was a filly-fooler. Is that really something to celebrate?”

“Epselutely!” declared Photo Finish. “Don’t you know how chic it is nowadays for mares to play for ze same team? Eefen I vas seduced by a mare vunce.”

Silver Spoon scraped off the butter she had finished applying and returned the dinner roll to its platter. Even if she could have eaten the roll, the threat of nausea being a carelessly shared disgusting word away would have made keeping it down quite the challenge.

“You were?” asked Hoity Toity, having never heard of this. “Whatever became of this mare?”

“He married me!” replied Photo Finish, pointing a hoof at her husband. “Ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Oh!” cried Hoity Toity. “Ha ha ha ha ha! Somepony call the burn ward! Ha ha ha ha ha! You flambéed me with that one, dear; no question. Brava!”

“Sank you, I’ll be here all veek… Vell, not really. I haff to attend a gala in Bitaly in sree days but you know vhat I mean.”

Silver Spoon was irritated by her parents’ repartee. Whereas other parents would say loving things to one another across a dinner table, hers derived genuine amusement from sniping at one another with insults.

“In all seriousness, coming out as a filly-fooler has really become all the rage, Silver Spoon,” stated Hoity Toity. “One might even go so far as to call it fashionable. I’m feeling so inspired that I’m going to commission Rarity to design a new line targeting filly-fooler couples. The Canterlot elite will eat it up!”

“Ya, und I vill open a new gallery zis veekend featuring nossing but photos of my beautiful little lesbian liebchen! Smile for ze camera, Silver Shpoon! Giff me somesing zat says ‘I am a beauuutiful, delicate flower... zat craves ze coochie like nopony’s business’.”

Silver Spoon scrunched her eyes shut and shielded her face with her forelegs. She despised flash bulbs. Having a world famous photographer for a mother, she had been subjected to having her picture taken with flash bulbs literally since birth. The light always hurt her eyes and neither her father nor her mother ever seemed to care. And while she had no scientific evidence to support her suspicions, she was convinced that flash bulbs contributed to her dependence on eyeglasses at such a young age.

“AAAAAAHHHH!! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I KEPT THIS FROM YOU TWO!!” cried Silver Spoon. “You learn my biggest secret and all you can do is apply it to your own careers! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: you care more about your careers than you care about me!”

“Don’t be ridiculous, sveetheart," said Photo, putting her camera down. "You’re eckzaggerating.”

“Am I, Mom? Then show me your eyes.”

Photo Finish instinctively covered the sides of her head, making sure that her sunglasses were in place.

“Hah! Tchah! Pfah! Sha! How could you eefen suggest such a sing, darlink? I sought ve’ve discussed zis already! My eye color must remain a vell kept secret from ze vorld! I must maintain... ze mystique!”

“I’M YOUR DAUGHTER! What foal doesn’t know their mother’s eye color?”

“Don’t feel too badly, Silver,” suggested Hoity Toity. “I’m her husband and even I don’t know her eye color; not that it bothers me one way or the other.”

“Don’t you love your own family enough to trust them with a secret?” asked Silver Spoon. “Neither of you knows a thing about love.”

“Now see here, young lady,” said Hoity Toity. “Your mother may have a heart of polished marble but I’ll have you know that I happen to be an expert on the subject of l’amour.”

“You?” asked Photo Finish. “An ecshpert on love? Ha! Since vhen? Talk about vell kept secrets.”

“If you’re such an expert on love, then prove it,” demanded Silver Spoon. “Kiss mom.”

Hoity Toity’s mouth hung open. The test that his daughter had placed before him was tougher than he was expecting.

“A... kiss, you say?” he asked.

“A kiss, I say,” replied Silver Spoon.

“On the lips?”

“On the lips.”

“Hey, do you mind?” asked Photo Finish. “I’m trying to eat here.”

“Why are you so opposed to kissing each other?” asked Silver Spoon. “I’m living proof that you’ve swapped more than spit at least once. Like, how did you even figure out how to have a foal?”

“Vell, vhen ve conceived you, hoo boy, vere ve ever hammered! Do you remember our honeymoon, Hoity?”

“Not at all,” remarked Hoity Toity with a hint of pride in his tone.

“Neizer do I! Best honeymoon effer!”

Both Hoity Toity and Photo Finish shared a rich pony laugh. When they ended their laugh, they did so simultaneously with a sustained sigh that was, oddly enough, in the same key.

“So you want me to kiss your mother on the lips, do you?” asked Hoity Toity. “All right. I’ll do it. But first...” Hoity Toity reached for the bottle of vintage hard cider that sat on the table. He held it between his forehooves, pulled out the cork with his teeth and poured himself a glass. “Photo, would you care for a glass?”

“Vould I care for a glass?” asked Photo Finish. “To kiss you, I sink I’d care for my own bottle.”

“Done.” Hoity Toity clapped his hooves together and one of the servants approached the table. “Francois? Another bottle, if you would be so kind. And be a good fellow and dim the lights a touch.”

“No,” said Silver Spoon. “No booze. No change in lighting, either. Just kiss in full sight of each other like any normal husband and wife would do.”

“Oh, come onnnnn, sweethearrrt!” whined Hoity Toity. “You want to watch your parents kiss each other while they’re stone cold sober? What kind of sick games are they teaching you in that common school?”

“Your fahzer’s right,” noted Photo Finish, accepting the bottle that one of the servants brought her. “Didn’t ve raise you better zan zis?”

“No,” replied Silver Spoon. “You didn’t.”

Photo Finish was cut to the quick by this oversight.

“Didn’t veeeeeeeeee... pay somepony to raise you better zan zis?” she asked.

Silver Spoon facehoofed.

“This is what I’m talking about!” she exclaimed. “What the hoof is wrong with you? You’re parents! Act like it!”

Hoity Toity and Photo Finish looked at one another and then looked back at their daughter.

“Und ve should do zat by doiiiiink.... vhat, exactly, darlink?” asked Photo Finish.

“Yes, help us out here, Silver,” said Hoity Toity. “We are first time parents, after all. Just tell us what you want us to do and we’ll do it. We do love you so and we want you to be happy. All we’re asking is that you help us out a bit.”

Hoity Toity’s words would have given Silver Spoon some hope if she hadn’t been disappointed by them so often.

“It kind of loses its sincerity if I have to hold you by the hoof and tell you how to react… but...” Silver Spoon shrugged and held out her forelegs. “I don’t know; be upset with me because my orientation means that you won’t be grandparents? Or... like... be happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell you about it? I’m pretty sure that’s what normal parents would say.”

“Say no more,” said Hoity Toity. “Photo, you be disappointed, I’ll be happy, and then we’ll switch.”

“What?” asked Silver Spoon. “No, wait, I didn’t mean at the same time-”

“Ya, okay, Hoity,” said Photo Finish as she dabbed her mouth with a napkin. “Ach, Silver, how could you do zis to your dear, sveet and fashionable mohzer? I must haff... ze grandchildren type babies! Von’t you eefen consider a shperm donut?”

Silver Spoon enjoyed glazed donuts as much as the next foal. Now, she would never be able to look at one again, thanks to her mother.

“Mom!” cried Silver Spoon. “Gross!”

“I believe your mother meant to say ‘sperm donor’, darling,” said Hoity Toity. “Then again, she is from Germaney so I could be wrong. Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Photo Finish quickly covered her mouth with her napkin.

“ACH!” she cried as she removed the napkin and laughed. “You liddle monkey! Ha ha ha! You almost made me shoot cider srough my nose! Zat was a good vun. Hee hee. Ya... my home country’s a liddle kooky.”

Pushing her bowl away from her, Silver Spoon closed her eyes, pounded her forehead into the table three times and rested her chin on the table.

“Is it possible to be too sick to puke?” she asked rhetorically.

“Okay, my turn,” Hoity Toity wiped his mouth and cleared his throat before speaking. “Silver, darling, thank you for sharing with me that you’re a lesbian.” Hearing the L word coming out of her father’s mouth made Silver Spoon want to spontaneously combust. “Let me share something with you now: when no one’s around, I like to occasionally yank out strands of my own hair and then nibble on the white roots at the end.”

“I... huh?” asked Silver Spoon.

“They’re just so juicy and crunchy!” gushed Hoity Toity ever so daintily as he tapped his forehooves together. “They’re like little irresistible bean sprouts made of skin!” Photo Finish seemed unfazed by this admission. Either she was already aware of her husband’s quirk or she didn’t care.

“That’s so disturbing that I don’t know how to feel,” muttered Silver Spoon, finding it curious that her father had a hair-related disorder when she had her own hair-related fetish.

“That’s not the point,” stated Hooity Toity. “The point is that we’re sharing! And sharing is caring! Switch tiiiime!”

“No! Stop!” cried Silver Spoon.

“Are you terminating this experiment early because we passed with flying colors?” asked Hoity Toity.

“Ya, are ve Parent Of Ze Year nominees yet?” asked Photo Finish. “Oh, zat reminds me. Beck! Call!” Two ponies rushed to Photo Finish’s side. “Order a new trophy case and haff it sent to ze Neighagra Falls estate. My seventh vun is running out of shelf shpace.” Her assistants nodded and ran off to do as their employer instructed.

“Oh, my dear, sweet Celestia!” Silver Spoon’s eyes spun as she held her head in her hooves. “Why did I think for a second that you could pull this off? You’re the most clueless adults I’ve ever known! It’s like I can’t even be mad at you! I might as well be mad at a fish for not being able to sing opera! I-I-I-I think I need therapy!”

“Serapy?” asked Photo Finish.

“Therapy!” barked Silver Spoon. “Thuh! Thuh! Tongue between the teeth, Mom! The-ra-py! I think I need it... and I know that both of you do!”

“And what makes you say that?” asked Hoity Toity. Photo Finish experimented with sticking her tongue out between her teeth and hissing out a breath. She shook her head and dismissed the idea as folly.

“Do you really not know?" asked Silver Spoon. "What am I saying? Of course you don’t know. All right, here’s why I think you need it. The only thing that hurts worse than you not understanding me is that you don’t see the value in even trying! You’ve made it clear to me that I come second to your careers! And I’ve known for a while that I wasn’t planned. I’m a product of meh! Don’t you see or care how that makes me feel? There’s no love in this family! You don’t love her, she doesn’t love you and neither of you love me! Sure, you love me enough to keep a roof over my head and food on the table and I appreciate all that... but there’s, like, a lot more to parenting than providing for your foal’s basic needs. I have emotional needs, too. The only reason that both of you are even here in the mansion at the same time is because I got arrested and you don’t even care enough about what I’ve been through to ask me how I feel about what happened! Most of the kids at school have loving parents who listen to them. Their parents see them every day, not just once or twice a month or whenever they’re in town – Every... single... day. And they do it because they want to. That alone makes those kids, like, a hundred times richer than I’ll ever be. I see how happy they are when their parents come pick them up after school. They’re practically beaming.” Silver Spoon gritted her teeth, imagining the happy faces of her classmates and their parents. “I can’t stand seeing somepony else feeling so special from having loving parents when I don’t get the same. Sometimes those foals come up to me and they’re like “Wow, Silver Spoon, you live in that huge mansion! Wow, Silver Spoon, you always have such pretty clothes! We’re so jealous of you!” And I’m like ‘Are you serious?’ They have no idea how stupid they are for being jealous of me when I’m the one who’s jealous of them. It makes me so mad that I pick on them until they feel just as miserable and not-special as I do! Whether it’s a cutie mark or a mansion, if I have it and they don’t, I remind them of it and laugh in their stupid faces every chance I get! And, yeah, I know that they didn’t do anything to deserve being treated like that but I just... don’t... care.” She thought of Twist and how she regretted her involvement in her death. “Recent events... have changed that a little. I’m starting to learn how to care... but I’m teaching myself this lesson since I sure as hoof don’t have any role models at home. So, yeah, I think we could all use therapy. All three of us should go together because there’s nothing wrong with me that a therapist can fix that you two can’t just break apart again.”

“You know, you’re absolutely right,” said Hoity Toity.

Silver Spoon’s eyes widened and she blinked. Were her parents really willing to participate in family therapy? Sure, they were dense but maybe if another adult was around to supervise them, the love, respect and attention that she craved might not be as out of reach as she originally believed. Was there really light at the end of the tunnel?

“I… I am?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Oh, quite,” said Hoity Toity. “This turnip and cauliflower soup is exceptional.”

“Ya, zis is good shtuff,” noted Photo Finish. “Hmm... Lightink!”

Photo Finish’s servants brought studio flood lights into the dining room and aimed them at the table. Feeling inspired, Photo Finish took out her camera and began taking pictures of the soup in her bowl.

“Just what the world needs,” noted Hoity Toity. “An eccentric, gray-maned artist obsessing over soup.”

Silver Spoon was struck speechless by the fact that her parents hadn’t listened to a word she had said. She dared to hope and she was let down for the umpteenth time for her troubles. It was her own fault for wanting blood from a stone. She finally broke her silence with a chuckle. She rose from her seat at the table, chuckling even more. Hoity Toity and Photo Finish looked at one another, perplexed by the shift in their daughter’s mood. Silver Spoon left the dining room and walked toward her bedroom, her chuckling evolving into full fledged laughter at the madness of this whole situation.

“I was under the impression that it was proper etiquette for a young filly to excuse herself from the table before leaving the dining room, Silver, darling,” said Hoity Toity. He turned to face his wife to verify his belief. “Isn’t that right, dear?”

“Ach, don’t be such a stick in ze mud, Hoity,” said Photo Finish. “I ‘go’ all ze time.” She turned her bottle of cider upside down to verify its emptiness and then pointed at her husband’s bottle. “Pour me some of zat, vould you?” She pushed her cider flute toward him and smiled.

“Certainly.” After Hoity Toity finished pouring his wife a drink, he leaned back in his chair as he spoke out loud to his daughter who was nearly out of hearing range. “Good night, Silverrrr. We love you, sweethearrrrt. Do be sure to always use condoms, all right?”

Silver Spoon stopped walking down the corridor and squealed with laughter at her father’s ridiculous advice. If ever there was a statement that Silver Spoon could point to as a legitimate contributing factor to her eventual nervous breakdown, it was this fractured pearl of wisdom.

“Don’t worry, dad,” replied Silver as she turned around, lifted her glasses and rubbed her eyes free of tears. “I’ll insist that every filly I sleep with wears one.” She turned once again and continued on her way. When she reached her bedroom, she slammed the door shut behind her, hopped into her bed, tossed her glasses and pearls onto her nightstand and plopped face first into her pillow. She released a scream of frustration into the pillow – and then began to weep.

“That girl is an emotional roller coaster,” noted Hoity Toity. “Being a parent is exhausting work. Should one of us go after her and... I don’t know... talk to her, maybe?”

“I vouldn’t vorry about it,” said Photo Finish “She vas laffing ven she left, vasn’t she? It’s probably just a stage she’s goink srough. Her grades are fine, she’s healsy, vhat more could ve ask for, right?”

“Hm. Grandchildren would have been nice, I suppose.”

“Vhy can’t ve haff grandchildren?”

“Because she’s not into colts, dear.”

“Silver Shpoon is a filly-fooler?”

“That’s what she said.”

“Ach! Zis is wunderbar!”

“Isn’t it, though?”

Melody

Silver Spoon sniffled as the last of her tears left her. She was certain that her parents would never change and that love – real love – would never penetrate this household. Her stomach grumbled at her for skipping out on dinner. If her heart could produce similar noises due to being underloved, she felt that she would never hear anything else except for that sound.

Tap, tap, tap.

Silver Spoon heard something rapping against her bedroom window. Turning on the switch of her nightstand lamp, she sat up and looked out of the window. There, on the other side of the glass, was Diamond Tiara’s smiling face. A smile quickly spread across her own face as the pink filly was above and beyond a sight for sore eyes. Hopping out of bed, Silver Spoon trotted to the window and opened it as quickly and quietly as possible.

“What are you doing here?” asked Silver Spoon in a hushed tone.

“Did you forget already?” asked Diamond Tiara, also keeping her voice down. “We’re supposed to have a sleepover.”

“But didn’t your dad say we couldn’t?”

“He said we couldn’t have one at our place; he didn’t say I couldn’t have one at yours. Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and smiled.

“No need,” she replied. “You’re always welcome in this house.” A visit from Diamond Tiara was just what she needed to offset the madness she experienced with her parents earlier. She walked backwards and allowed her to climb through the window. Once she was inside, Silver closed the window and noticed that her friend was wearing a saddlebag. “Whatcha got there? Something fun?”

“You’ll see,” said Diamond Tiara. “Now close your eyes and hold out your hooves.”

Silver Spoon did as she was instructed and waited patiently. She heard Diamond Tiara reach into her saddlebag and extract something from it that made a sharp sound against her hooves – like a glass bowl. Moments later, the mystery item, weighing roughly more than a pound, was placed in her hooves.

“Don’t drop it,” warned Diamond Tiara.

The next thing Silver Spoon heard was something that sounded like a glass lid being lifted.

“You can open your eyes now,” said Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon opened her eyes and discovered that she was holding a whole quiche that was still warm. Silver Spoon gasped and smiled.

“Is this all for me?” asked Silver Spoon. Diamond Tiara nodded. “Thank you! But how did you know I’d be hungry?”

“I know you lose your appetite when your mom or your dad are around. Now that both of them are here at the same time, I’ll bet that you barely ate anything.”

“It’s true. I didn’t and I’m not allowed in the kitchen after it closes up for the night. Oh, this looks and smells so good!” She opened her mouth and was about to shove her snout into the quiche when she looked up at Diamond Tiara suspiciously, raising an eyebrow. “No smartass jokes about this being gay food, okay?”

“You’re so paranoid. I ate plenty of it myself and I’m straight.”

Having made certain that she could enjoy this meal sans mockery, Silver Spoon lowered her face into the bowl and ate heartily.

“Do you like it?” asked Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon removed her face from the quiche long enough to answer Diamond Tiara with a nod and an ‘mm-hmmmmm’.

Diamond Tiara smiled as she watched her friend finish her meal.

“Now go brush your teeth, cheese breath,” said Diamond Tiara with a smirk.

Silver Spoon nodded and trotted off to the bathroom to do as she was instructed. While she was in the bathroom, Diamond Tiara removed her saddlebag, opened it, removed something from it and slid it under the pillow on the left side of the bed. Tossing the saddlebag on the carpet, she placed her tiara on the nightstand beside Silver Spoon’s glasses and pearls, put on the sleepwear she brought with her from home, hopped onto Silver Spoon’s big bouncy bed and sat on its edge, awaiting her friend’s return.

Silver Spoon returned from the bathroom and saw that Diamond Tiara was wearing a lavender camisole that matched her hair and a pair of white pajama pants with images of her cutie mark printed all over them. The front of the camisole had the words ‘Best Pony’ spelled out in cursive with white sequins. Silver Spoon thought that the ensemble made her look absolutely adorable. She ran into her closet and dashed back out again moments later with her mane in pigtails and wearing a white baby doll nightgown that was suspiciously sheer for a garment intended for a filly.

Diamond Tiara folded her forelegs and raised an eyebrow.

“That’s... cute,” she said, “but there’s no way in Tartaros that I’m sleeping in the same bed as you if you’re wearing that.”

“Awwwww...”

Silver Spoon hung her head and returned to her closet dejectedly. She came back out with her hair down and was dressed in conservative pink flannel pajamas. Diamond Tiara grinned and nodded, patting the comforter with her hoof to indicate that Silver Spoon was now permitted to approach the bed. Silver Spoon climbed into the bed, selected the right side, and crawled under the covers to lie down. Diamond Tiara turned to face the foot of the bed but remained in a seated position, covering her lower extremities with the blankets.

“Does your head still hurt?” asked Silver Spoon, referring to the spot where Twist had struck Diamond Tiara earlier.

“Kinda. I’ve got a nasty bump there but it’s hidden under my mane. My dad took a look at it and said that it’ll go away eventually. As long as I still look good, I guess I can deal with it. How about you? Still holding up?”

“Before you showed up tonight, I felt like manure. As if I wasn’t feeling lousy enough about the accident, my mom and dad just found out that I’m gay.”

“Yikes.” Diamond Tiara cringed in empathy. “How did that go?”

“Stupidly; the same way that everything having to do with me goes where they’re involved. I guess I should count myself lucky that they didn’t rush me to Ponyville Hospital thinking that it was some disease that could be cured.”

“They’re seriously that dumb?”

Silver Spoon shot Diamond Tiara a look that confirmed that her parents were at least that dumb, if not more so. Diamond Tiara retracted her question.

“The only good news is that they’re not taking me out of Ponyville Elementary,” said Silver Spoon. “You were right about that.”

“I’m right about everything,” declared Diamond Tiara as she placed a hoof against her collarbone and closed her eyes. “It hasn’t been easy but I think I’ve finally reached a point in my life where I’m at peace with myself over always being right.”

Silver grinned and then yawned right afterward.

“Wow,” she said. “I didn’t realize it until it hit me just now but I am, like, so tired that it isn’t even funny. I feel like I haven’t slept in days. Let’s call it a night, huh?” She pulled her covers up to her jaw and closed her eyes. “Could you please turn off the lamp?”

Diamond Tiara reached underneath her pillow and extracted the item she stored there earlier.

“Turn off the lamp? How am I supposed to read this to you in the dark?”

Silver Spoon opened her eyes and saw that Diamond Tiara was holding a storybook in her hooves, prepared to read the bedtime story that she mentioned back at the police station. A soft whinny of giddy glee escaped Silver Spoon’s mouth as she forgot all about how tired she was.

“Don’t look so surprised,” said Diamond Tiara with a smile. “I can’t have my right hoof mare thinking that I don’t follow through with my plans, now, can I?”

“Nope,” whispered Silver Spoon, her snout concealed beneath the covers. “You can’t have that.”

“Once upon a time... there was a beautiful princess who lived in an enchanted castle...”

Silver Spoon’s eyes grew wide as she snuggled her covers, listening intently to each word that came out of Diamond Tiara’s mouth. She was being read a bedtime story and her bed was going to smell like Diamond Tiara for a day or two.

Life was good.

Silver Spoon watched Diamond Tiara snoozing away peacefully under the moonlight that filtered through the curtains. She smiled, believing that the pink filly was even more beautiful when she was asleep. It was the middle of the night and Silver Spoon found herself awake so she took this opportunity to gaze at the only pony who cared about her emotional needs. She recalled the characters in Diamond Tiara’s book of fairy tales and the heroic deeds they had performed and she concluded that she must have done something equally courageous herself in a previous life to have deserved a friend like Diamond Tiara in this one.

The dulcet tones of a music box chimed out an innocent tune. It was a soft instrument; the perfect choice for the intro to the song which Silver Spoon could no longer keep locked away in her heart. She whispered the lyrics so as not to wake Diamond Tiara.

What have I done – to deserve a friend like you?
Did I lift some ancient curse? Was it a dragon that I slew?
Or maybe something of
An even greater magnitude
For me to have a friend who is as won...der...ful
As you

Keeping the background music and her vocals muted to Diamond Tiara so as to let her sleep, Silver Spoon increased her personal volume on her vocals for her own enjoyment as bass guitar, keyboard and drums became the new active instruments in the composition.

Did I set sail – on an ocean voyage faaaar?
Did I cure some sickly foal? Or did I wish upon a staaaar?
I can’t believe my eyes
(I’ve never known such pulchrituuuuude)
When I behold a friend who is as beauuuu-tiii-.fulllll
As youuuuuuu

A quartet of drum beats followed by a cymbal strike heralded the bridge as violins accompanied her vocals.

Was I a knight who saved a prinnnn-cess fairrrrrrr
With just my courage and a sworrrrrrrd?
What earthly task did I compleeeete to earrrrn
Such a heaaaaa-vennnn-lyyyyy reeeeee-warrrrrrrrrrd?

A short instrumental ended the bridge and returned to the tune of the previous two verses, only in a higher note.

I’ll never know the deeds that paid this dividennnnnd
But I know without a doubt – that I would do them all agaaaaain
Celestia and the world have my undying gratituuuude
For giving me a friend
As wonnn-derrr-fu-u-u-ullllllll...

Violins echoed the notes she sang an octave higher than she hit them.

As beauuu-tiiii-fu-u-u-u-u-ulllllll...

The violins did the same for these new notes.

As heaaaaaaaa-ven-lyyyyyyyyyy
As dearrrrrrrrr to-o-o-o meeeeeeeee

She took this brief pause in the music to lower her singing voice to her earlier whisper volume for her final lyrics, singing them to Diamond Tiara directly.

Aa-as
You-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

The music box chimes played for her outtro during the final sustained lyric. Filled to bursting with a level of love and appreciation that anypony would be lucky to experience, Silver Spoon placed a kiss upon Diamond Tiara’s forehead and lay down to sleep, loving her blessed life despite its flaws.

Author's Note

Yes, there is music to go along with this song. Maybe someone can sing it for me.

Quandary

With her song now out of her system, Silver Spoon sighed happily as she lay her head down to rest.

Her eyes quickly shot open as a sinful idea danced in her mind, one which she didn't want to acknowledge.

A small red imp appeared by the right side of Silver Spoon’s head in a puff of smoke. The creature resembled Diamond Tiara with a red coat and its mane and tail were black. She was dressed in a black choker, a black corset and black fishnet stockings on her hind legs. She also sported a pair of horns and bat wings.

“What are you?” asked Silver Spoon. “Are you a fairy?”

“Do I look like a fairy to you in this outfit? I’m Naughty Silver, the ponification of your evil side. Don’t you read comic strips?”

Oh, okay. But if you’re my evil side, why do you look like Diamond Tiara instead of me? And why are your clothes so... well, slutty?”

Naughty Silver grinned.

“Why, indeeeed?”

Silver Spoon blushed and looked away. Clearly the imp knew her better than she thought.

“Okay, scratch that question,” said Silver Spoon as the crimson left her face. “What you do want with me?”

“You were having a moral dilemma,” said Naughty Silver.

"No, I wasn't."

“Yes, you were... and it’s my job to help you choose a course of action – the fun one. You just gave Diamond Tiara a kiss on the forehead. That was sweet... but why stop there? I say kiss her on the lips.”

Silver Spoon blushed again and hid her snout under the covers.

“No way! She’d kill me if I did that!”

“Look at her,” ordered Naughty Silver. Silver Spoon turned her head to the right to examine Diamond Tiara’s face. She lowered her covers from her face and found herself smiling again. “Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? More inviting? More...”

“Angelic,” offered Silver Spoon.

Naughty Silver rolled her eyes.

“Yech, that’s not an adjective I associate with anything positive but anyway... you should totally do it. If anything’s worth getting killed over, it’s this. But she’s not going to kill you... because she’ll never know. You, on the other hoof, will have that kiss to hold on to for the rest of your days.”

Silver Spoon rubbed her forehooves together. She contemplated the imp’s argument but the risks outweighed the rewards.

“I shouldn’t.”

“Of course you shouldn’t. That’s what makes a stolen kiss so alluring. Just do it anyway.”

“B-B-But she trusts me.”

“Oh, like she’s never betrayed anypony’s trust before.”

“That’s... true...”

“She’ll... never... know.”

The imp's words gave Silver Spoon a substantial amount of reassurance, just enough to fuel her with the courage to undertake this mission. She did want this.

“All right," she said. "But just a little one. And if she kills me, I’ll find you and I’ll haunt you forever.”

Silver Spoon turned to look at Diamond Tiara who was still fast asleep.

“Whoa, hang on a sec," said Naughty Silver. "You can’t kiss her yet.”

“What’s wrong?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Don’t you know how this works? We have to wait for my coworker Nice Silver, the ponification of your good side, to show up so she can present an opposing viewpoint. The party pooper’s running late... again.”

“If you’re evil, isn’t waiting for her a good deed?”

“Union rules.”

“Oh.”

A puff of smoke appeared to the left of Silver Spoon’s face. When it dissipated, Nice Silver appeared. This imp actually resembled her namesake, with a halo floating above her head and a long flowing white robe. A pair of white feathered wings flapped gently, keeping her aloft.

“Sorry I’m late,” said Nice Silver. “Traffic was crazy. Now, Silver Spoon, eating such a big meal before bedtime is going to make you gain weight. You should wait until morning and have it for breakfast instead.”

Silver Spoon blinked.

“Are you... talking about the quiche?” she asked. “I ate that a while ago.”

“What?” Nice Silver glared angrily at her fellow imp. “Naughty, you were supposed to wait for me! Union rules clearly state that both agents representing-”

“Don’t you go throwing union rules in my face, slowpoke!” protested Naughty Silver. “I attend the monthly meetings! And I pay my dues on time, unlike some imps I know. And we were waiting on you, jillass. We still are. You’ve got the wrong dilemma. Get with the program.”

Nice Silver reached into her robe and removed a small daily planner book which she leafed through with great speed.

“Isn’t this case number 63557? About whether or not she should eat a whole quiche just before going to sleep?”

“It’s 63558.”

Nice Silver turned to the correct page and held the planner to her face.

“Ah, here we go. 63558... Subject is pondering whether or not she should steal a kiss from Diamond Tiara while she’s asleep.” Nice Silver’s jaw dropped along with her planner that fell from her hooves. She looked at Silver Spoon. “DIAMOND TIARA? HOLY MANURE! DO IT! Do it, do it, do it, do it!”

Silver Spoon’s pupils narrowed from the imp’s hysterics.

“Isn’t your job to talk me into doing the right thing?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Forget my job!” cried Nice Silver. “Kiss her! Hurry! Before she wakes up!”

Naughty Silver enjoyed a brief laugh at Nice Silver’s blatant shirking of her duty.

“If I’d have known it was going to be this easy, I would have stayed home,” said Naughty Silver, crossing her forelegs and closing her eyes.

Nice Silver frowned at her opposition. She exhaled raggedly and regained her composure.

“Okay,” she said. “Yes, Silver Spoon, I am supposed to talk you out of doing bad things... but this is Diamond Tiara we’re talking about! Look, hun, there’s only one period in a pony’s life where mistakes are understandable and even somewhat tolerable – and that period is your youth. And yes, kissing Diamond Tiara without her consent would technically be immoral... but it’s not like you’re slitting her throat. And let’s face it: neither of you are exactly strangers to doing morally gray things for your own benefit, are you?”

“Not really.”

“Then take a risk and do it this once while you can still write it off as an innocent error in judgment if you’re caught. It’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. If you’re still in doubt, let me put it to you this way: Diamond Tiara will nev-er kiss you on her own. Do you really want such a dreary notion hanging over your head until the day you die?”

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead with her hoof.

“Celestia, I have got to stop being such a slave to my impulses...” she said. She smirked and winked at Nice Silver. “...starting tomorrow morning.”

“So you’ll do it?” asked both imps.

“Mm-hm.”

"YES!" cried both imps.

Nice Silver looked over at Naughty Silver.

“Hey, Naughty?”

“What?” asked Naughty Silver.

“You won’t tell the agency that I didn’t offer an opposing viewpoint, will you?” Nice Silver pouted to look pitiful, emitting a soft squee in the process. “I really want to keep this job. The Hearth’s Warming Eve tree decoration gig is only seasonal work...” She rubbed her backside in remembrance. “...and it’s murder on my plothole.”

“Are you kidding?” asked Naughty Silver. “Why the Tartaros would I rat you out? You’re hoofing me my commission. Easy money is best pony. As far as I’m concerned, you stated your case by the book... just like I did... and, after hearing both sides of the argument, Silver Spoon decided to go with my advice. No harm, no foul.”

“Thanks,” said Nice Silver with a smile. She bit her lower lip and held her forehooves behind her back as she cast her eyes downward. “So, uhh... Naughty, are you... doing anything fun after the dilemma?”

“I might be,” replied Naughty Silver with bedroom eyes and a smirk. “But not with a nice girl.”

“M-Maybe I’m not as nice as you think I am,” said Nice Silver with a quiver in her voice. She pulled her robe over her head and tossed it away, revealing what she wore underneath: a white choker, a white corset and white fishnet stockings on her hind legs. Naughty Silver’s eyes widened briefly before returning to bedroom mode. She floated over to Nice Silver with a salacious grin and held the light gray imp in her forelegs.

Silver Spoon gulped as she watched this take place right in front of her now red face. Her heart began to beat faster as she recalled having acted out similar scenarios with a pair of her mare dolls a number of years ago. Seeing as how the imps were far more detailed than any hoofmade doll, she found this to be relevant to her interests.

Nice Silver smoothed her hoof along Naughty Silver’s face, prompting the evil imp to nuzzle it. As their faces drew closer, their eyes closed, preparing themselves for a kiss.

“Wait!” shrieked Nice Silver as she withdrew from Naughty Silver.

“What now?” spat Naughty Silver.

“Not in front of the foal!”

“Oh, yeah.” Naughty Silver released her counterpart and looked at Silver Spoon. “Sorry. That was very unprofessional of me.”

“I-It’s okay,” mumbled Silver Spoon as she slid her snout far enough underneath her covers to conceal her blushing cheeks but not so far as to obscure her view. “Y-You don’t have to... stop on my account.”

Nice Silver gasped, blushed and covered her torso with her wings.

“Sh-Shame on you, Silver Spoon!” she barked. “Voyeurism is not cool.”

“And exhibitionism is?” asked Naughty Silver snidely.

“It... slipped my mind that she was here,” admitted Nice Silver, conceding to her associate’s counterpoint.

Naughty Silver turned her head to face Silver Spoon.

“Later, kid,” said Naughty Silver as she applied black lipstick to herself. “Enjoy that kiss, okay? Wish I could stick around for it but... booty calls.”

Both imps disappeared in a poof of smoke, leaving Silver Spoon with one certainty: if she wanted to avoid being locked up in a mental institution, she would never breathe a word of this to any of her future therapists. She looked down at her comforter and saw the tiny planner left behind by her good side. She leaned forward and was about to take the tiny book into her mouth when, suddenly, Nice Silver reappeared and retrieved the book with her mouth posthaste. The imp’s coat was covered with several lipstick marks on her face, neck and other areas of her body.

“Klepto!” snarled the full-mouthed Nice Silver before disappearing in a puff of smoke.

Silver Spoon turned to her right, facing Diamond Tiara and gulping as she mustered up the courage to do what two out of two imps recommended she should do. Sweat began to bead on her forehead. She could scarcely believe that she was really doing this. As great as the risk of getting caught was, she couldn’t deny that she was excited by the prospect of her first kiss. The task before her would have been much harder had Diamond Tiara not been a side-sleeper. She slowly leaned in toward Diamond Tiara, pausing occasionally as the mattress springs protested the shift in weight distribution.

She came closer still and the covers rustled with a level of noise that might as well have been a Running of the Leaves race. It was a miracle that Diamond Tiara wasn’t stirred from her slumber.

Silver Spoon was more than halfway there. The thought of calling the whole thing off had occurred to her but she had come so far that to abort now would have meant making up lost ground all over again.

Please don’t wake up, she begged silently.

Just one more stretch and her lips would be within kissing range of Diamond Tiara’s. Her heart pounded as she traversed those final agonizing inches of space.

At long last, she was there. She felt Diamond Tiara’s breath caress her snout and it struck her that her own breathing might be felt. She pursed her lips and redirected her breathing duties to her mouth, taking care to exhale away from Diamond Tiara’s face. It was all or nothing now. She was shaking like a leaf, sweat was pouring across her forehead and the foreleg she was using to support herself was now hurting to an almost unbearable extent. Even if all went well, it seemed unlikely that this adventure would go down as one of the most enjoyable experiences of her life.

Closing her eyes and taking a deep breath to tide her over until the kiss had been successfully stolen, Silver Spoon summoned all the strength she had left and willed her lips to pucker.

“I’m awake, stupid,” growled Diamond Tiara.

“Iknewthat,” squeaked Silver Spoon rapidly as she lay back down to have her heart attack on her own side of the bed.

Illegality

Silver Spoon found herself in a strange room with at least fifty other ponies, all of them seated. She identified it as a courtroom but had no recollection of how or when she got here. Judge Lady Justice sat before them at the bench and her ears perked up as the twelve jurors entered the courtroom and took their seats. Silver Spoon recognized Princess Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy and DJ PON-3 but the other five were either ponies she didn’t recognize or ponies she had seen around town but had never actually met.

“Have you reached a verdict?” asked Lady Justice. Silver Spoon wondered who was about to be judged.

“We have, Your Honor,” said Twilight Sparkle. “We, the jury, find the defendant, Silver Spoon, not guilty of the charge of first degree murder.”

Holy manure, this is my trial! thought Silver Spoon. The shock of finding herself as the defendant was considerable but since the verdict was in her favor, she calmed herself.

“Silver Spoon,” said Lady Justice, “you have been found not guilty and you may leave this court a free filly.”

“Not so fast!” said a voice. Everypony turned their heads to see who had spoken. It was Diamond Tiara. She was wearing a kerchief around her mane, sunglasses and a tan raincoat. “This filly has another charge to answer for: attempted sexual assault!”

A collective gasp seized the courtroom. Silver Spoon grimaced at the accusation. Was Diamond Tiara really pressing charges for the kiss when it didn’t even happen?

“Hiiiiiiiii, Princess Twiliiiiiiight!” yelled Diamond Tiara, waving at her favorite alicorn. Twilight pretended to ignore her. “Did you get my letter? Huh? Did you? Huh?”

“Which... one?” asked Twilight, not really wanting an answer. “The one where you asked me for a lock of my mane?”

“No, the most recent one. In it, I asked if you read my other two hundred and forty seven letters... but since you brought it up, could I have a lock of your mane?”

“Your Honor? I’d like to request a restraining order.”

“Take care of that on your own time, Princess,” said Lady Justice. “Court is in session. Diamond Tiara, you may take the witness stand.”

“Sure, Your Honor,” said Diamond Tiara as she removed her sunglasses. “Where do you want me to take it?”

Pinkie Pie had a drum kit set up in the jury box and she hit a rimshot to punctuate Diamond Tiara’s pun. Lady Justice took her gavel in her mouth and struck the base three times before putting the gavel down.

“Guh... I wish doing that didn’t hurt my teeth so much,” remarked Lady Justice as she winced and placed her right forehoof along the right side her jaw. “Let it be known that tired courtroom-themed puns, one-liners, innuendos and hitting rimshots to punctuate said puns, one-liners or innuendos while court is in session will not be tolerated!”

“Awwwwwwww,” moaned the jurors. A watery-eyed Pinkie Pie pouted as the bailiff confiscated her drum kit and then patted her down for other musical instruments.

“Hey, shut up!” shouted Lady Justice. “I’m serious! They’ve been done to death and they’re about as funny as Fluttershy’s standup comedy on amateur night!”

“Hey, everypony, how are you doing tonight? I just flew in from Ponyville and, boy, are my wings tired. Oh, wait, this is Ponyville. Um... If you just pretend that I said a place farther away, I think that line will be a lot funnier. Can you do that for me? Okay, good. So... um... okay, so there are these two... pony friends who make a bet... and one of them loses the bet they made so the winner... no, wait, the loser pays the winner... uh, no, first the winner says ‘Ha, I won so pay me’ and the loser says ‘Okay, here ya go’ so he pays the winner but it’s not real money he gives him. It’s actually Monopony money. The loser thinks it’s funny that his friend doesn’t know the difference between real bits and Monopony money and so he goes away. So he runs into his friend a year later and sees that he’s wearing expensive looking clothes and so he asks his friend ‘Hey, there, friend. You look rich.’ and the friend says – the other friend says ‘Yeah, I am super wealthy now and it’s all thanks to the money I won from that bet we made’. The first friend asks ‘What could you possibly have bought with the money I gave you?’ and the other friend says ‘Oh, I bought a hotel’. Get it? He... bought a... hotel with the uhh... the Monopony money.” Fluttershy tapped the microphone with her forehoof. “Uh... Is... this thing on?”

“Twilight,” said Applejack, seated in the comedy club audience along with the rest of Fluttershy’s friends. “Get mah rope.”

“So unless any of you want a hefty fine or even jail time, you’ll keep those stupid ‘ordering food in the court’, ‘hung jury’ and ‘getting your client off’ jokes to yourselves. And you don’t want to know what the penalty is for multiple groundless objections. Oh-ho-ho, those are the ‘why did the orange pegasus filly cross the road?' of courtroom humor and I hate them with a passion!”

As the bailiff walked away with a pile of Pinkie Pie’s confiscated instruments on his back, Pinkie wore a sinister grin as she showed Applejack a kazoo which the bailiff failed to discover.

“How’d ya keep ‘im from findin’ that?” asked Applejack.

“Let’s just say that it’s good to be a mare,” said Pinkie.

Lady Justice turned her attention back to Diamond Tiara. “Now, Miss Tiara, tell us what happened.”

“The defendant and I were having a sleepover,” said Diamond Tiara, “and when she thought I was asleep, she tried to kiss me on the lips! But that’s not the worst part. As a result of her attempt, I’ve been turned into a filly-fooler!”

The jury was abuzz with chatter. Silver Spoon was in no position to rejoice in her conversion of Diamond Tiara. Even if it was true, her freedom hung in the balance.

“That’s impossible!” declared DJ PON-3. “You can’t turn somepony into a filly-fooler!” The mint green unicorn juror seated next to DJ PON-3 whispered something into her ear which caused her to turn her head. “Really? Okay.” DJ PON-3 turned to face Diamond Tiara and shrugged. “Never mind.” The cream coated earth pony juror seated on the other side of the smiling mint green unicorn blushed as she hid her face under her hoof.

Lady Justice took her gavel once more and struck the base to silence the courtroom.

“Order. Ow! Dang it! Stupid gavel. Why are these things manufactured without the slightest hint of ergonomic design?”

“How do you know that you’ve become a filly-fooler, Miss Tiara?” asked the prosecuting attorney. “Surely you didn’t... well... that is, you’re still just a foal.”

“Hm? Oh, no, Your Honor. I’m saving myself for marriage.” Diamond Tiara leaned forward, gazed at the jury seating area and rested her foreleg on the witness stand. “I’m looking at you, Princess Twilight.”

“Oh, please don’t,” said Twilight.

“Too late,” said Diamond Tiara. “Totally looking at you. What do you say? Want to get hitched?”

“I’m flattered... and terrified... but I can’t accept your proposal.”

“I’m worth bill-ioooooons,” sang Diamond Tiara. “And I turn eighteen in nine years, four months, two days, seven hours, twenty four minutes and two seconds.

“Twilight, introduce me to your friend,” whispered Rarity.

“She’s not my fr-” Twilight turned to face Rarity. The fashionista was wearing a wedding dress. “What are you...? Rartiy! She’s only a filly, you sicko!”

“I beg your pardon?” asked Rarity. “What sort of pony do you take me for, Twilight? I don’t want to marry her! I want to marry her father! Diamond Tiara? Your father is still single, is he not?”

“He was when he passed away recently,” said Diamond Tiara, pouting.

“Oh, you poor dear,” said Rarity. “I’m so sorry for your loss. Soooo... Was that... nine years, four months, two days, seven hours, twenty four-”

“RARITY!” shouted Twilight.

“BUT IT’S BILLIONS, TWILIGHT!” shouted Rarity.

“ORDER!” shouted Lady Justice as she struck her forehoof on the gavel base. Her pupils narrowed and she smiled, pleased with how closely the resulting sound resembled that of the gavel. “Oh, wow. That felt so natural! And painless! I should have been banging my hoof years ago.”

Pinkie Pie snickered at Lady Justice’s comment.

Lady Justice brought a forehoof to her face as she cleared her throat.

“Now, Miss Tiara,” said the prosecuting attorney. “How was it that you came to learn that you were turned into a filly-fooler?”

“Oh, right. The morning after the defendant tried to kiss me,” said Diamond Tiara, “I woke up to find my hair looking like... this!” She removed her kerchief and revealed her manestyle to the jury.

It was a mullet.

A second collective gasp of horror seized the courtroom.

“Dun-dun-duuuuuuuuuuuun!” sang Rainbow Dash.

Rarity picked up a wooden bucket with great urgency, lifted it up to her face and vomited into it. She spat into the bucket, set it on the floor and dabbed her mouth with a levitated hoofkerchief.

“Still chomping at the bit to walk down that aisle, Rarity?” asked Twilight snarkily.

“It’s just a minor setback,” said Rarity. “There’s no obstacle that true love – and a trip to my salon – can’t overcome, heh, heh.”

“Since the sleepover, I’ve experienced constant cravings for quiche,” said Diamond Tiara. “I spent three hours giving out leaflets in front of the co-op for a Lilith Mare revival... and I even bought every last limited edition Princess Twilight Sparkle massaging body pillow from every retail store in Equestria before they hit the shelves!”

“THAT WAS YOU?” asked half the mares in the courtroom. Silver Spoon was unmoved by the pillow drought. She had pre-ordered and received hers months in advance.

Twilight cringed at the intimidating number of mare admirers that were in her midst. The courtroom suddenly felt very confining to her.

“I think I left my space heater on... in Canterlot,” squeaked Twilight as she spread her wings and flew over to a window. She tried opening it but it was stuck fast. She flew through it anyway, sending fragments of broken glass raining down upon the jurors.

“In light of the overwhelming evidence against the defendant, I believe that we can dispense with any further testimony and skip right to the verdict,” said Lady Justice. “What say you, jury?”

“GUILTY!” shouted all but one of the jurors – the gray pegasus mare; she had shouted the word muffin.

“Silver Spoon,” said Lady Justice, “you have been found guil-” She stopped and turned to face the gray pegasus mare. “Excuse me, miss, but did you just say... ‘muffin’?”

“Muffin,” she said with a nod.

“Muffin,” confirmed Lady Justice. “Huh. Very well, then; Silver Spoon, you have been found guilty and muffin of attempted sexual assault. I sentence you to get minus one power while at my card’s problem during faceoffs. May Celestia have mercy on your soul.” She slammed her forehoof into the wooden gavel base, signifying that the case had concluded.

Pinkie Pie played a happy tune on her kazoo.

“Pinkie!” spat Applejack. “That’s been up yer cooter!”

“Relax,” said Pinkie Pie. “I washed it.”

“Ah meant the kazoo.”

Pinkie’s pupils narrowed.

“Oh,” she muttered.

“Minus one power?” said Silver Spoon in bewilderment. “I don’t even know what that means, Your Honor. Is that bad?”

Lady Justice didn’t answer. She didn’t even move. Nopony was moving except for Silver Spoon. It was as though they were frozen solid.

“This whole dream is bad,” said a voice. “Zero out of ten. Would not watch again.”

A cream coated mare as tall as Celestia strode into the courtroom with elegance befitting a noble. Her curly rust red mane and tail bobbed gently with each graceful step. Her sleek musculature suggested that she was very athletic and the crown of white flowers woven into her forelock gave her an almost sylphlike aura, giving the impression that she was an immortal protector of some mystical forest in a faraway land. Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped as she stared at the unknown mare. Not since Diamond Tiara had Silver Spoon seen a more captivating creature.

“Whoaaaaaaaaa...” said Silver Spoon. “You’re... beautiful.”

“Thanks. Now, listen to me very carefully, Silver Spoon. I don’t have-”

“How do you know my name? Who are you?”

“Huh? Oh! PFFT! Ha ha ha... How silly of me to wear a form that you wouldn’t recognize.”

The mare vanished and in her place stood a filly that Silver Spoon never imagined she’d see again.

Twist.

Silver Spoon screamed hysterically as she stood on her hind legs and flailed her forelegs in terror.

“AAAAAAAAAAH!! A GHOOOOOST!”

“I’m not a ghost,” said Twist, her speech impediment every bit as prominent as Silver Spoon remembered it.

“Really?”

“Really. Please don’t be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you.”

“You’re not?”

“No, I’m not. I just want to talk to you.”

“But... I... killed you.”

“You didn’t kill me.”

“But I saw you die.”

“I did die... but that was because I was careless. It was an accident. Not a murder.”

“Oh. But you’re not a ghost?”

“No. Ghosts are earthbound. Now please be quiet and listen carefully. You’re dreaming but I’m not a figment of your imagination like everypony else here. When you see me again, I won’t remember this conversation so it’s imperative that you remember the four things that I’m about to tell you.”

“Okay.” Silver Spoon trembled despite Twist’s reassurance that no harm would come to her.

“One: Do not make any wishes out loud. You’ll have more options if you don’t. Two: Do not eat the ambrosia blossoms. If you do, they’ll cloud your judgment and you’ll never want to leave. Three: When all seems lost, invoke the power of the Unspoken Wish in the presence of She Who Welcomes. That’s why the first point is so important. She Who Welcomes may pretend not to know what The Unspoken Wish is but keep invoking it until she acknowledges its existence. Four: This is the most important one. Forget this last one and it’ll probably destroy the universe!”

“Destroy the universe?”

“Probably. Now pay attention. Four: After She Who Welcomes approves your wish but before you depart, you have to tell me to tell you these four things. There are no secrets here so I plan on erasing my memories of this conversation when it’s concluded, meaning I won’t be able to tell you these things again after you wake up.”

“Okay. So, to recap: Don’t wish out loud. Don’t eat ambrosia blossoms. When all seems lost, invoke the power of The Unspoken Wish...” Silver Spoon struggled to remember the rest of the third point.

“...In the presence of She Who Welcomes,” said Twist.

“...in the presence of She Who Welcomes until she acknowledges it – and when I see you again, tell you to tell me what you told me.”

“Excellent. This’ll all make sense to you eventually. I have to go now.”

“Wait, Twist. I am so sorry for what Diamond Tiara and I did to you.”

“Hey, don’t sweat it. It’s nice of you to say that – but save your apology for when you see me again since I won’t remember this one once I’m gone.”

“Oh. Right. I’ll do that.”

Twist returned to her alternate form and galloped out the courtroom. As Silver Spoon went over this list in her head, movement returned to the ponies who were previously in stasis.

“Next case,” stated the bailiff, “The ponies versus L.A. Mareson...”

“Off with his wings!” decreed Lady Justice.

Asperity

Morning had come to Ponyville and Silver Spoon awoke feeling very well rested. It was the proverbial calm before the storm, however, for a wave of uneasiness overtook her as she remembered the failed kiss attempt from last night. Her stomach churned at the knowledge that she was not the only pony in her bed. The time to account for her actions was now upon her. She turned slowly and looked at Diamond Tiara. The pink filly was awake and appeared to be engrossed in reading her storybook. Silver Spoon gulped as she desperately sought for the courage she knew she didn’t have.

“G-Good morning, Diamond Tiara,” she stammered.

“Good morning, Silver Spoon,” said Diamond Tiara, not bothering to look away from her book as she replied.

“Um... sooooo... about last night...”

“What about it?”

“You know.”

“Oh, I know. I just want to see if you know.

“You... caught me... trying to... k-kiss you.” She could feel her face getting warmer.

“That’s right. What do you have to say for yourself?”

“I’m sorry. You looked so beautiful and I couldn’t help myself. It was wrong of me to try to do that.”

“Hmm. I do look beautiful so I won’t argue that point.”

“So you’re not mad at me?”

“I didn’t say that.”

Silver Spoon groaned and hid her head underneath the covers. Diamond Tiara put down her book, lifted the covers to expose her friend’s face and glared at her.

“First things first,” said Diamond Tiara. “How many times have you kissed me in my sleep before now?”

“Well, I... did kiss you on the forehead.”

“I knew about that. That’s what woke me up. I don’t care about a forehead kiss, though; I’m talking about a mouth to mouth kiss.”

“Last night was the first and only time I’ve tried it.” Diamond Tiara narrowed her eyes at Silver Spoon to grill any possible concealment of the truth. “Di, I swear to Celestia that I’ve never kissed you before! Honest!”

“Okay. I believe you. But just because you’ve never kissed me before doesn’t mean you’re off the hook . If your bed wasn’t so hoofing comfortable, I would have packed up last night and left for home right then and there.”

“It is pretty soft, isn-”

“I’m talking here,” shot Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon silenced herself and sank meekly back under the covers. “I am very disappointed in you, Silver Spoon. But you’ve been punished so all that’s left to do is to forgive you. And I do.”

Silver Spoon came back out from beneath her covers with a wide smile.

“Oh, thank you!” she said. “I promise that... wait... did you say punished?”

“I did.”

“When was this?”

“Last night.”

“I don’t remember any punishment.”

“You wouldn’t. You were asleep when it took place.”

“When what took place? What did you do?”

Diamond Tiara replied with an evil grin.

“I’m not telling you. That’s the beauty of your punishment. But, hey, we’re good now; that’s the important thing.” She picked up her storybook and started reading it again. “So – when’s breakfast?”

“Hang on a second,” said Silver Spoon. “How do I know that we’re good if you’re the only one who knows what it was that you did? How do I know that you didn’t do something worse?”

“You don’t. You’ll just have to trust me.”

Silver Spoon could trust Diamond Tiara. She trusted that she could exact revenge like nopony else on earth. Her mind raced with all sorts of horrible things that Diamond Tiara could have done to her property in order to get even. She looked up, down, left and right for some clue as to what her punishment was.

“Did you dip my toothbrush in the toilet?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Not tell-innng,” sang Diamond Tiara as she grinned and stared at the ceiling.

“Did you leave manure under my bed?”

“Oh-my-Celestia,” scoffed Diamond Tiara as she turned her head to look at Silver Spoon. “You did not just ask me that. Do you really think that I’d do something as nasty as crawl under your bed, pinch a loaf and then go back to sleep above my own stinking turd?”

Silver Spoon sputtered and snickered with laughter. Potty humor shouldn’t have made a filly her age laugh so much – but it did. Diamond Tiara got a mild chuckle out of it as well. When the laughter stopped, Silver Spoon hopped off the bed and checked underneath it.

“And she looks anyway,” said Diamond Tiara as she rolled her eyes.

As Silver Spoon stood back on all fours, she placed her right forehoof against her neck and gasped from finding that it was bare.

“AHH! My pearls are gone!” she sputtered. “That’s what you did; you swiped my pearls!”

“You mean these pearls?” Diamond Tiara pointed a forehoof at the nightstand. “Lying where you left them on your nightstand? Where they’ve been all night and where they still are?”

“Oh.”

“Why are nightstands are called ‘nightstands’ anyway? They don’t stop standing during daylight hours.”

“Did youuuuu... shove carrot sticks up my nostrils and take a photo to print in the Foal Free Press?”

“Not telling.”

“Did you rip open my Princess Twilight Sparkle massaging body pillow?”

“Still not tel- Wait... you have one of those? Can I see it? Where is it? Where’d you get it?”

“I ordered it from- Don’t change the subject! Tell me what you did!”

“No.”

“Tell me, tell me, tell meeee!”

“No, no and no.”

“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

“Would you look at that? Somepony finally remembered the magic word.”

“So you’ll tell me?”

“No. Now stop asking me.”

Silver Spoon’s eyes watered as her lip quivered. She reared her head back and bawled, causing fountains of tears to burst outward from her eyes.

“You’re crying over something you want but can’t get?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Who do you think you’re dealing with? I wrote the book on that technique and the last pony on earth that it would work on is me.”

Silver Spoon buried herself back under her covers.

“How could you be so mean to your best friend?” she asked.

“I’m not being mean. I wrote the book on that, too. Mean. Adjective. Being treated badly when said treatment is undeserved. You knowingly crossed a line and this is your punishment. You deserve it. Be smart. Accept it, learn from your mistake and move on. As far as I’m concerned, you’re getting off light.”

“I was only gonna kiss you.”

“Uh, yeah; without my consent! I told you once that I respected your orientation because it was your business. When you make it my business against my wishes, that’s disrespectful.”

“But... you were all over me yesterday when you wanted me to help you with the garbage bag.”

“That was just teasing. Who cares if I was all over you? Surely not you. You’re the one who wants me all over you. It’s in line with your orientation. You all over me? Not so much.”

“Yeah, well, don’t do it again.”

“That goes double for you, Kissy McStealasmooch. Plus... and this is just one minor difference... you were wide awake when I was all over you.”

“This punishment is still unfair. My kiss didn’t even connect. I’m doing the time without having committed the actual crime.”

“It would have connected if I hadn’t stopped you. And you’re lucky that you were only caught in the act or I might not be so nice about it.”

Silver Spoon shot up out of her covers, her face damp with tear trails.

“You call this nice? Not knowing what you did to punish me is gonna haunt me day and night!”

“Well, duh. That’s kind of the idea.”

"Are you ever gonna tell me what you did?”

“Nope.”

“Am I ever gonna find out on my own?”

“Nope.”

“Oh, come onnnnnnnn. It’s not like I tried to slit your throat.”

“I might have preferred that, given the choice.”

“Oh, thanks, Diamond,” growled Silver Spoon, closing her eyes and turning her head away. “You’d rather bleed to death than be kissed by me. That’s nice.”

“Don’t be such a drama queen. It’s not just you. I wouldn’t want any filly to kiss me. I wouldn’t even want most colts to kiss me... unless they’re cute. I would let Rumble kiss me... and Button. Well, maybe not Button... but I wouldn’t want anypony, cute or not, to kiss me without my consent!”

“I said I was sorry but, again, it was just gonna be one teensy, weensy, little kiss.”

“Am I talking to a brick wall here? Silver, I can’t believe that you’re still missing the point! I don’t exist for you to kiss whenever the mood strikes you! I’m an equine being with a mind and a will of my own and you acted with no regard for my right to choose for myself who gets my lips. I thought I could trust you with my body as I slept and you’ve betrayed that trust. I thought that our friendship meant more to you than that. How would you like it if some colt came up to you while you were sleeping and decided to stick his winky in your mouth?”

Silver Spoon’s eyes shot open and she gasped. She turned her head to face Diamond Tiara and butted snouts with her, insulted by this grossly unbalanced hypothetical situation.

“Those are two totally different things and you know it!” she shrieked as she pushed into her.

“They’re exactly the same thing!” retorted Diamond Tiara as she pushed back.

Silver Spoon reared her head back as she screamed her next words.

“MY LIPS ARE NOT A WINKY IN THE MOUUUUUTH!!!”

The sound of a stallion clearing his throat was at Silver Spoon’s front door – which happened to be wide open. Bertram, head butler of the Hoity Finish estate, stood in the doorway. Silver’s pupils narrowed to the size of marbles as her face turned bright red.

“G-Good morning, Bertram,” squeaked Silver Spoon.

“Good morning, Silver Spoon,” said Bertram, “Begging your pardon, but we’ve received word this morning that the schoolhouse will be closed until further notice.”

“Oh... thank you, Bertram.”

Bertram excused himself. Once he had left the room and Silver Spoon had closed the door, Diamond Tiara doubled over, rolled on her side and exploded with laughter. Her face was as red as Silver Spoon’s was from embarrassment.

“Do you think he heard me?” asked Silver Spoon, covering her snout with her forehooves.

Diamond Tiara was too preoccupied with laughing to answer her. After some sniffling and some moaning over her stomach pains, she was finally able to address the question.

“I know he heard you!” said Diamond Tiara as she sniffled and wiped away tears. “Why do you think I was laughing so hard? Oh, Celestia, that was priceless.” A few residual giggles worked their way out of her body and she sighed.

“Uuuugh. I have to see Bertram every day.” Silver Spoon collapsed on the mattress. “Somepony just kill me now.”

“Silver Spoon?”

“What is it now?”

“Look, I can understand why you wanted to do what you did, all right? And I know that you can understand why I wouldn’t want you to do what you did. So let’s put this behind us, okay? To tell you the truth... I don’t enjoy yelling at you.”

“That makes two of us.”

“And please tell me that I can trust you not to try it ever again. I don’t want to stop coming over to your place for sleepovers because of one bad decision... but I will if that’s what it takes to protect myself. You’re my friend and I like you a lot... but only as a friend. Do I... Do we... have to worry about another advance from you in my sleep?”

“No.”

“I’m happy to hear that.”

“Thanks for giving me a second chance. You really are the best friend a filly could ask for.”

“And you’re the second best friend a filly could ask for.” Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow at Diamond Tiara. “Hey, you’re the one who called me the best. That means that your ranking has to be lower than mine, right?”

“Tell me what you did.”

“Not gonna happen. But if it makes things easier for you, I’ll do my best to make myself look less attractive the next time I sleep over.”

“Puh-leeze. How could you, the most beautiful filly in all of Equestria, make herself less attractive?”

Diamond Tiara held her chin and pondered the question.

“Well... I could put on some glasses... maybe throw on a string of pearls... Oh, and I could even wear my mane in a braid. Pretty horrifying, wouldn’t you say?”

Silver Spoon’s brow lowered and she smirked at Diamond Tiara who was clearly trying to get a rise out of her.

“Why, you...” Silver Spoon turned her head, grabbed her pillow with her teeth and swung her head in the opposite direction, hitting Diamond Tiara right in the face with the pillow. Diamond Tiara giggled as she grabbed a pillow with which to defend herself from a second strike. Both girls spent the next minute flailing away at one another with their pillows, squealing and laughing as they chased each other on and off the bed. When they were both too winded to continue, they sat on the bed and caught their breath.

“Kisses might not be on the menu,” said Diamond Tiara as she stretched out her forelegs. “But hugs are always served fresh daily.”

Silver Spoon smiled

“I’ll have one with extra squeeze.”

The two friends hugged and Silver Spoon beamed as the forelegs of her ray of sunshine held her.

“I see you read the same greeting card as I did,” noted Diamond Tiara.

“Yeah,” said Silver Spoon with a grin. “I steal most of my best stuff from greeting cards.”

“Like that anonymous Hearts and Hooves Day card you made for me last year that I thought was from Rumble at first?” Diamond Tiara released Silver Spoon and both fillies placed her forehooves back down on the bed. “I’ll never forget what it said on the inside: ‘If you became a flower, you’d still be my Heart’s Desire’.” Her eyes closed as she imagined the colt of her dreams professing his love for her. She rubbed her eyes with her forehooves. “That was the most beautiful line I’ve ever read in my life. It still chokes me up every time I say it out loud.”

Silver Spoon’s grin melted from her face.

“I... steal most of my best stuff from greeting cards,” she said in a hushed tone, “but that line didn’t come from a card.”

“Oh, no? Where’d it come from?”

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and sighed as her head lowered. She took Diamond Tiara’s right hoof into her own and placed it on her chest, over her heart.

“Right here,” whispered Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara cringed. The card of construction paper with the words of gold didn’t feature a line stolen from a mass produced greeting card as she believed but an original creation penned straight from Silver Spoon’s heart in order to reach her own. She swallowed and looked at Silver Spoon who still had her head down. She could see that her friend was still hurting from the rejection and she cursed herself for bringing up the card. By Diamond Tiara’s estimation, this had to be the most awkward moment she had ever experienced, one which she didn’t know how to end delicately.

“Tell me what you did,” requested Silver Spoon.

“Huh? Oh. No.”

“Darn. I thought I broke you there for a minute.” She released Diamond Tiara’s hoof from her chest. “Hey, Di?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever heard of something called The Unspoken Wish? Or a pony named She Who Welcomes?”

Diamond Tiara was relieved that the subject had changed.

“No,” she replied. “What are they?”

“That’s what I’d like to know.”

“Where’d you hear about them?”

“In the dream I had last night.”

“How the hoof did you expect me to know about them? I’m not in your dreams.”

“Don’t be so sure of that.”

Diamond Tiara glared at Silver Spoon who was grinning as she gave her a sideways glance. Neither of them moved a muscle or said anything. Silver Spoon broke first by snorting with laughter.

“Do you want me to go home?” asked Diamond Tiara with a smirk. “Because I can do that, you know. A filly can only take so much harassment.”

“Oh, come on, I’m only messing with you. Stay here with me today. Please? See, magic word and everything. Tell you what; if you stay, I’ll bake you some fresh oatmeal cookies later... and if we have pink frosting, I’ll even-”

“You’ll WHAT?” asked Diamond Tiara as she recoiled from Silver Spoon, seemingly out of horror.

“I’ll... bake cookies?”

“You... bake cookies... yourself?”

“Sure I do. Why?”

“EWWWW!!”

“Hey, I make great cookies!”

“I’m not ew-ing about that! Do you mean to tell me that you actually... labor... for your food? FOOD? Why on earth would you get your own hooves dirty with... ugh... ingredients? That’s what kitchen staff are for! Chefs prepare food, servants serve food and special ponies eat food! You’re messing with the natural order of things!”

“Tchah! I’m a filly-fooler, remember? Like I care about the ‘natural order of things’.”

“Baking your own cookies – next you’ll be telling me that you make your own bed.”

“I do make my own bed.”

Diamond Tiara dropped to her back and wriggled her legs continuously.

“EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW-HEW-HEW!!!”

Silver Spoon grinned as she watched Diamond Tiara throw a fit.

“See, this is where you and I differ when it comes to being wealthy, Di. You like it when things are done for you. I like doing certain things myself because I don’t want to be treated like I can’t do them on my own. Besides, how sincere would my apology cookies be if the kitchen staff made them for you?”

“Fine... but don’t expect me to help you make them.”

“Fine, I won’t.”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“Fine. But I should probably keep an eye on you. You know, just in case you try to kiss the oatmeal cookies while they’re baking.”

“Ha. Ha. Ha. Very funny.”

“But before we do anything, I’m gonna take a shower.”

“Okay. I’ll take mine when you’re done. You know where the towels and stuff are, right?”

Diamond Tiara nodded and walked to the bathroom door. When she reached it, she opened it and stood on her hind legs as she rested her chest against the doorway.

“Oh, and you should know that I’ll be leaving the bathroom door unlocked.”

“What for?”

“Where’s the need to lock it? You’ve already shown me that you aren’t brave enough to do anything to me while I’m conscious.” She batted her bedroom eyes at Silver Spoon and rubbed her thigh against the doorway as she pouted with a duckface. “But if you think you’re filly enough to try... then you know where to find me.”

As if on cue, one of the straps of Diamond Tiara’s camisole fell off her shoulder.

Silver Spoon sneered at Diamond Tiara’s continued teasing and she snatched a pillow between her teeth before charging at Diamond Tiara who had turned tail and dashed inside the bathroom. Diamond Tiara quickly slammed the door behind her, narrowly avoiding getting hit by the pillow that Silver Spoon swung at her. As Silver Spoon caught her breath, she could hear her friend giggling behind the door – and she grinned. She heard the sound of running water hitting the tub floor and she walked back to the bed where she found Diamond Tiara’s storybook. She picked it up by the spine with her teeth, took a seat on the bed and began leafing through the pages. There was a knock at the door to her room and she hoped that it might be Bertram with a tray of breakfast in bed for two; Bertram was spontaneous that way.

“Come in,” said Silver Spoon, putting the book down.

The door opened and a familiar face poked through.

“Good morning, Silver Spoon,” said Filthy Rich.

“Oh! Good morning, Mr.Rich.” She was not physically attracted to males but she did admire Filthy Rich’s stallionly charm, stature and assertiveness – most likely because her own prissy father lacked those qualities. “Sorry I’m still in my PJs. How are you today, sir?”

“I’ve been better. And you?”

“Just fine, thank you. What can I do for you?”

“Diamond Tiara left me a note saying that she’d be spending the night here. Is she still around?”

“Yes, sir. She’s taking a shower.”

“Silllll-verrrrrr,” teased Diamond Tiara from the bathroom. “I’m washing my hoo-hoooooo... and I’m thinking of you-hooooooo... and there’s room in this tub for TWO-HOOOOOOOOOO!!!” Filthy Rich and Silver Spoon looked at the door and then at each other and chuckled.

“I see that she’s feeling silly today. Anyway, I take it that you’ve heard that the schoolhouse is closed?”

“Yes, sir. I uh... I can guess why.”

“Yes, well, you should take a shower yourself if you haven’t done so already. And you’ll want to put on some formal attire. Your father and I will be taking both of you out for breakfast and then we’ll be due at the Ponyville Courthouse in about three hours.”

“Hey, Silver!” cried Diamond Tiara from behind the door. “Your body wash reminds me of you. It’s so silvery and... and spoony. It’s like I’m rubbing a liquid version of you on my body – all over my body. Mrahhhhh....”

Silver Spoon would have laughed at Diamond Tiara’s antics had Filthy Rich’s words not instilled her with fear.

“The Ponyville Courthouse?” she asked.

“Why, yes,” said Filthy Rich. “We’ll be going to your arraignment. There are criminal charges against you and Diamond Tiara that need addressing. You seem surprised. Weren’t you told about it?”

“No, I wasn’t... but... about the charge; is it... murder?”

“No, darling, the charge is reckless equicide.”

Silver Spoon gulped. Hearing the official charge wasn’t pleasant but she was relieved that it wasn’t murder – which had a more ominous sound to it.

“Is there a chance that Diamond and I could... go to jail?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Don’t you worry your pretty little head, Silver Spoon. This won’t go to trial. Your father and I have procured the services of the finest defense attorney in all of Equestria.”

“Oh. I see. Mr.Rich?”

“Yes, Silver Spoon?”

“May I please ask you a personal question, sir?”

“You certainly may. My goodness, Silver Spoon, you are, without a doubt, the most polite little filly I’ve ever met. It’s a rare thing for a foal to be so well mannered.”

“Oh....” said Diamond Tiara from the bathroom. “Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... Silver Spoon... I’m going to marry your shower head. I hope that’s okay with you. I want to grow old with the last setting on the right.”

Silver Spoon and Filthy Rich’s eyes met again.

“She’s nuts,” said Silver Spoon, smiling nervously.

“And this is news to me how, exactly?” said Filthy Rich with a smile.

“My question is – where is Diamond Tiara’s mother?”

Filthy Rich flinched as his polite smile drained from his face. The moment Silver Spoon had finished asking her question, she could tell that she had caught Filthy Rich off guard with it. She was about to apologize for upsetting him when the bathroom door opened and Diamond Tiara came out with a towel around her mane and another towel wrapped around her body.

“I’ve got to hoof it to you, Silver Spoon,” she said. “I teased you with everything but the bathroom sink and you still didn’t come-” Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped as she saw her father standing in Silver Spoon’s room. “-in. Hi there... dad.”

“Hey, Princess,” said Filthy Rich. “I’ll be waiting downstairs in the stagecoach with Mr. Toity. When you’re ready, we’ll stop off at home so you can pick out a nice dress to wear, okay?”

“A dress? What for?”

“Silver Spoon will fill you in. I’ll be outside.”

As she watched Filthy Rich leave, her mind drifted. What was the secret of the mare who brought Diamond Tiara into this world?

“Was he here when I was yelling out all that stupid stuff to you?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Mm-hm,” said Silver Spoon with a nod as her gaze never left the door.

Diamond Tiara facehoofed.

“I suppose you think I had this coming, huh? To get me back for laughing at you embarrassing yourself in front of your butler?”

Silver Spoon shook herself out of her daze and marched toward the bathroom door to take her own shower.

“Never mind that,” she said. “Your cookies will have to wait. You and I have a date with a lawyer today... and, after that, a judge.”

Eulogy

Good, I don’t smell like alcohol anymore, thought Cheerilee as she lay in her bed. It had been a week since she had received the news of Twist’s death and Cheerilee had been hitting the cider every night to numb the pain that refused to go away. She didn’t want somepony at the funeral later today to confuse her for her friend Berry Punch who often reeked of the stuff. What Cheerilee did smell like could easily be remedied by taking a long overdue bath. She hadn’t bathed, brushed her teeth or even left her home since the accident. She had only eaten a few fresh chanterelles, the last of which ran out last night. She hadn’t done much moving around except to get a fresh bottle of cider and use the toilet. When she did move, she would crawl on her belly like a sea turtle traversing a beach to lay its eggs, lacking the will to stand and walk properly on all fours. She concluded that if she started getting ready now, she would have just enough time to wash and dress at her own pace which was what she wanted most right now. She didn’t want to hurry and cause her heart to beat faster, not when poor Twist’s wasn’t beating at all. With a weak groan, Cheerilee began to crawl backwards off the bed, her left hind hoof knocking an empty cider bottle across the floor as she tried to establish a firm position on the floor. When she was finally off the bed, she quickly sat down and looked for her security blanket, the one she had kept nearby since the accident: a picture frame.

It lay on the edge of the bed nearest her. In it was a photo of her current class taken while Twist was around. Cheerilee gently picked the frame up with her mouth and took it with her as she dragged herself to the bathroom. She had left all the lights on in her house around the clock. It was easier to do this than to stand up to reach for the light switch every time she entered or left a room. There was one advantage of entering her bathroom via crawling: she didn’t have to look at herself in the medicine cabinet mirror. The way she was feeling, she didn’t want to see her reflection any sooner than she needed to.

She opened her bottle of bubble bath, poured a sufficient amount into the tub, positioned the tub drain switch to stop it up and then turned on the hot water full blast. As the tub filled with water, she looked at Twist’s image in the photo and grinned internally. Taking her time, she placed a kiss on the protective sheet of glass above Twist’s image and then held the frame to her heart, hugging it gently.

Rest in peace, my sweet little angel, thought Cheerilee. I’ll visit you later today to pay my respects – and to say goodbye.

Once the water had reached the preferred level, Cheerilee held the frame between her teeth, turned off the water and slowly climbed into the tub. She groaned again, this time due to how pleasant the hot water felt. Before she sat down for her soak, she opened up the frame stand and set the frame over the far edge of the tub so that she could view the photo as she bathed. Her eyes were drawn to a different student in the photo: Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon was also in it, right by Diamond Tiara’s side. The expression on the pink filly’s face was one of irritation, as though relenting to having her magnificent countenance captured on film by the unworthy was some great nuisance to her and that she would only grant the photographer a smile if she felt like it.

Cheerilee frowned. She knew that Diamond Tiara’s image was in this photo and she had tried her best to ignore it. Now, it drew her in and she couldn’t look away. Tears budded in her eyes as her frown grew into a full scowl and as hot as the bath water still was, her blood boiled even hotter.

Cheerilee had been bullied herself back in grade school. It was a very unpleasant time in her life. Being picked on by this bully had become a daily ritual and Cheerilee’s self worth had been whittled down to nearly nothing. Nopony would listen to her when she asked for help. The spreading of rumors, the namecalling, the thrown objects – they never stopped and there was no relief in sight. To everypony’s surprise but her own, she finally snapped and assaulted her bully in full view of a school groundskeeper who had to physically separate the two girls, an act which proved to be difficult since Cheerilee had become a seething pinball of anger and squirmed out of the groundskeeper’s grasp several times to continue her assault on her tormentor-turned-victim. Naturally, she got in trouble while the other filly was painted as the wounded party. Oddly enough, it all worked out in the end. The bully had even apologized for bringing Cheerilee to that point and Cheerilee, being a kind pony at heart, forgave her. Their relationship improved dramatically and the now reformed bully even went on to become one of Cheerilee’s closest friends – Anita Mare, a pink-maned earth pony who would later be voted into office as the mayor of Ponyville.

Many years had passed since then but she never forgot the helplessness and pain she felt from being picked on needlessly. She imagined her beloved Twist – the sweetest, most innocent child that she had ever met – being subjected to that same feeling by Diamond Tiara. It made her sad. And when she remembered that Twist was now deceased thanks to Diamond Tiara, it made her furious.

Unable to contain her fury a moment longer, she belted out a thunderous scream of\anguish and stomped the frame in with one strike of her right hind hoof. The glass shattered, leaving a spiderweb pattern behind from which tiny fragments of broken glass dropped into the water. She regretted destroying her photo, remembering that Twist and was also on it. She had other copies of this particular snapshot in storage somewhere so this wasn’t the end of the world.

Hopefully, history wouldn’t repeat itself but who could say for sure?

Carousel Boutique was generally a peaceful place once its doors were closed for the day. For Opalescence, the shop was anything but peaceful on this day.

And that was because a demon was invading her home.

Opal had dealt with this silent menace before and she thought she had seen the last of it. It had to be a demon. No ordinary creature could survive being swatted so many times and still move about so effortlessly. Neither her owner Rarity nor her friend Twilight ever seemed to take this intruder as seriously as she did (they even laughed!) so it was up to her to vanquish it. The demon’s motivations were a mystery to Opal. It didn’t seem to want food, affection or any of the other comforts to be had in Carousel Boutique. As far as Opal could tell, it ran amok for the sake of being an evil, unwelcome pest. As a majestic and noble creature, it was Opal’s duty to smite the demon and make Carousel Boutique safe for cats and ponies alike. With eyes like a hawk and steel springs for legs, Opal leapt from her cover behind the sofa and attacked her most despised and persistent foe.

Twilight chuckled as she entertained Opalescence with the red beam of light that emanated from her horn she pointed at the floor and moved about quickly. She was passing the time while Rarity put the finishing touches on a formal black dress suitable for a funeral and worthy of royalty.

“Thanks again for making this dress for me on such short notice, Rarity,” said Twilight. “I really appreciate it.”

“Think nothing of it, Twilight,” said Rarity, manipulating a needle and thread via levitation and sewing together pieces of black fabric. “It’s not every day that a princess comes knocking on my door asking me to make an ensemble so...”

“Black? Somber? Depressing?” Twilight ceased her spell and approached Rarity. Opalescence walked away, in need of some sunlight in which she would take a victory nap.

“Try all of the above,” said Rarity. “This will be the first funeral I’ve ever attended. Have you been to one before?”

“No, and quite frankly, I’m pretty nervous about it. I barely shared two words with Twist and I’m supposed to deliver her eulogy; Princess Celestia’s orders. How’s Sweetie Belle taking the news about Twist?”

“She’s still a bit shaken up by this whole affair but she’ll pull through eventually. It’s Apple Bloom I’m worried about. Sweetie Belle told me that the poor dear used to be friends with Twist and that she’s taking her death pretty hard. I supposed that she would, seeing as how she lost her own parents at such a tender age. Twilight? Would you indulge my muse by allowing me to make one small addition to your dress? It’s simply begging for a matching cloak. I realize that this ensemble is for a funeral but inspiration beckons.”

“Very well, you have my permission. You know I trust your judgment.”

“Thank you ever so much. I promise you’ll adore it.”

Rarity levitated a bolt of some very posh looking black velvet from the wall and drew out a length sufficient for her needs. She then levitated two pairs of scissors and, to save time, utilized them simultaneously to cut out the pieces for the cloak.

“And what about Scootaloo?”

“I spoke with Rainbow Dash and she said that Scootaloo’s doing all right. That filly’s no stranger to adversity. She’s the toughest of that lot in my opinion. My sister tends to cry at the drop of a hat.”

“I can’t imagine where she picked up that particular idiosyncrasy,” muttered Twilight to herself before speaking up at an audible volume. “I’m just grateful that we’re all surrounded by so many friends and loved ones to support us in our time of need... even though it reminds me how some ponies don’t have a circle of friends like us. But it also serves as a reminder that my role as the Princess of Friendship is more important than ever.”

“Indeed. Oh, have you heard that the two fillies responsible for bringing Twist out to the tracks aren’t even going to be punished?”

Twilight let out a small gasp of astonishment.

“No, I haven’t.”

“Really? It was front page news. Don’t you get the Ponyville Express delivered to your door?”

“I guess Spike must have swiped it to read the funnies. What did the story say?”

“It seems that a hotshot lawyer convinced the judge to reduce the charges to reckless conduct, to which both fillies pled guilty – and their sentences were suspended.”

“Just like that?”

“Just like that. The whole process took under seventy two hours but, yes, they were set free just like that. I simply cannot understand how Princess Celestia could possibly travel all the way to Saddle Arabia when our legal system here at home is in such dire need of reform. Justice should always be served... but not on a silver platter and never to the highest bidder.”

“You mean the judge was in Filthy Rich’s pocket? That's preposterous! Why hasn’t anypony done anything about this?”

“You really must work on getting rid of that naivete, Twilight. They’re called backroom dealings for a reason. Judge Harshly isn’t so foolish as to issue a receipt that Filthy Rich would leave lying around for somepony to find. Nopony would be able to prove anything but there’s little doubt that Filthy Rich and Hoity Toity bought their daughters’ freedom. A wrongful death suit will almost certainly come next but nearly everypony agrees that they’ll simply settle out of court.”

Twilight walked slowly to the window to peer at some fillies outside having fun skipping a rope. Would these innocent foals grow up to become corrupt officials hoofing their nose in the face of justice?

“What is a life worth, I wonder?” asked Twilight rhetorically.

Rarity paused. The question hit home.

“Indeed,” said Rarity, placing her work to one side. “Twilight?”

“Yes, Rarity?”

“I have a bit of a moral dilemma and I was hoping that I could have a moment of your time so that you could give me some advice.”

“Of course. You know you can talk to me about anything but I must say that I’m a little surprised to hear that you of all ponies are having a moral dilemma. You’re one of the most level-headed mares I know.”

“Thank you for the lovely compliment. Now then, Pinkie Pie and I were playing cards last week and-”

“Wait. Horse-drawn and Quartered?”

“Why, yes.”

“Did you sing that annoying song of yours and now she won’t play with you anymore?”

“I beg your pardon? Diamonds of Three, How I Love Thee is not an annoying song. It’s divine.”

“The first fifty times, maybe. Why do you think Rainbow Dash and Applejack refuse to play with you anymore?”

“I assumed it was because they were sore losers but apparently it’s because they have no appreciation for fine music.” Rarity cleared her throat and attempted to get back on topic. “As I was saying, Pinkie said that if she and I were the Horse-drawn and Quartered earth ponies, she’d volunteer to let me climb on her shoulders so that I could escape.”

“Awww, what a sweet thing to say.”

“Yes, quite. I was moved by her statement and I thanked her but then, without so much as batting an eyelash, she said that she was sure that I’d do the same for her... and, well... I concurred for appearance’s sake but I believe that her faith in my courage may have been misplaced.” She nuzzled Twilight, more out of a need for comfort than anything else. Twilight returned the nuzzle with a grin, having never met a friend’s nuzzle she didn’t like. “I love Pinkie as dearly as I love you, Applejack and the other girls... and I’d risk my life to keep any of you from harm... but to surrender it to a torturer’s tools? Ugh!” Rarity levitated a paper fan and waved it in front of her face to cool herself off. “The thought of being carved up and taken apart like an apple pie is enough to make me feel faint. And yet, I represent the spirit of generosity. How can I be at peace with myself if I’m unwilling to give as much as Pinkie Pie is willing to give?”

“And that’s what’s bothering you?”

Rarity reviewed her confessional to see if there was anything she had left out.

“Ish,” she replied.

“Then I have some advice for you if you’re interested in hearing it – but first, I’m going to have to issue a royal decree.”

“A decree?”

Twilight closed her eyes and shook her head.

“A royal decree,” she reiterated. She levitated a hairbrush from Rarity’s dresser and tapped the back of the brush against Rarity’s nose twice. “I, Princess Twilight Sparkle, do hereby decree that anypony found using ‘-ish’ as a word shall receive a smack with this. ‘-ish’ is a suffix, not a word.”

Rarity grinned and genuflected.

“All hail Twilight Sparkle,” she said. “Princess of Grammar Enforcement.”

“Generosity is the virtue of giving that which you have to spare to those who are less fortunate,” stated Twilight. “It’s up to every individual to make their own determination as to what they have in abundance to donate. Your life falls into a completely different category. You’re either alive and have one to give or you’re dead and you don’t. Life is precious and it is not to be given lightly. Your life in particular is certainly very precious to me.”

“Ohhhh,” bubbled Rarity, who was too touched by Twilight’s lovely comment to stifle herself.

“Nopony is going to be offended because you have a survival instinct. In a situation like the Horse-drawn and Quartered one, who could blame anypony for doing what they had to do? You shouldn’t feel one-upped by Pinkie because of a hypothetical situation that you can’t bring yourself to match and she wouldn’t feel hurt if you didn’t follow through with it. And if you did leave her to die, she wouldn't hate you for very long. Your life is yours to risk or give and you’re not obligated to be selfless to a fault, even if it means falling a little short of living up to the element you represent. When your time comes, which I hope is a very long time from now, I’m sure that everypony will say ‘Nopony gave more of herself than Rarity’. In fact, I’ll bet that it’ll be written on your tombstone.”

“Hmm. Well, it’s sweet but it’s a bit on the trite side for an epitaph. I mean, it hardly does me justice, now, does it? How about ‘Nopony made more beautiful ensembles... or was more attractive... or was a more talented singer... or a greater philanthropist... or-”

“You know that engravers charge by the letter, right?”

“I’ll be deceased. I doubt the cemetery would be able to send me the bill in Elysium.”

“Your family would be the ones to receive the bill. And it’s bad luck to have your own tombstone made while you’re still alive.”

“Hmm. I see your point. How about ‘Best Pony’? Only eight letters long. Economical and accurate, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh...” Twilight perused her impeccable vocabulary for the most suitable word to sum up her opinion. After a few seconds, she found a means of expressing herself that Rarity would either appreciate or protest. “Ish.” She tilted her head and smiled.

Rarity sputtered at Twilight’s temerity.

“Oh, I see how it is; you can say ‘ish’ but I cAAAH!!” Rarity had cut herself off with a scream due to Twilight striking her once on the backside with the back of her levitated hairbrush. Rarity quickly sat down to protect herself from a second attack.

“Princess’s prerogative, baby,” said Twilight.

“Good heavens, Twilight – not on mon petit derriere, sil vous plait!”

“Oh, come on, I didn’t hit you that hard. So, did my little pep talk make you feel better about death?”

“Yes, I believe so. I may still have a fear of death... but I think I can live with it.”

“Very clever.”

“I thought you might like that. Thank you for your advice, Twilight.”

“Any time.”

The two friends closed their eyes and crossed horns gently, a significant and intimate gesture in unicorn society. It expressed love, respect and mutual admiration.

Levitating her completed ensemble, Twilight headed for the door to return home and relax before the ceremony. She paused, standing at the door.

“Rarity?” she asked.

“Yes, Twilight?”

“That hypothetical situation that Pinkie gave you? The Horse-drawn and Quartered one?”

“Yes?”

“I feel the same way. I’d die for you, too.”

Rarity was taken aback, wondering why Twilight would attempt to exacerbate her compunctions regarding Pinkie’s sacrifice by making a similar statement and putting her on the spot, especially so soon after opening up to her about it. Rarity’s confusion quickly evaporated as she noted the sardonic expression on Twilight’s face. It was apparent to Rarity that teasing the common ponies was also a princess’s prerogative.

“Thanks,” said Rarity with an acerbic tone. “I’d let you.”

“See you at the funeral home,”

“Ciao.”

As Twilight closed the door behind her, Rarity picked up the hairbrush and put it back in its proper place on the dresser. She began to walk toward the stairs to the kitchen but suddenly stopped in her tracks. She looked behind her and returned to the dresser. She levitated the hairbrush once again, examining it. She knew that she was alone but she looked around to see if Sweetie Belle was present, just to be on the safe side. When the coast was clear, she gave herself a sharp smack on the bottom with the hairbrush. She flinched and squealed with delight. During her brief stay in the custody of the Diamond Dogs, Rarity had developed an erotic appreciation for a good spank on the bottom – but Twilight didn’t know that when she struck her with the brush. Now, Rarity was feeling antsy and with Twilight gone, she could give herself a treat. Closing her eyes and gritting her teeth, Rarity began paddling herself repeatedly with the brush. She cooed and winced from the delicious stinging feeling on her buns. She’d be wearing a dress to the funeral so she could afford to add a roseate hue to her rump.

Rarity opened her eyes and what she saw caused her to drop the brush.

Sitting in front of Rarity was Opalescence, staring at her with no small amount of confusion on her face. The feline’s jaw dropped, causing the mouse toy she had in her mouth to fall to the floor with a squeak. She had entered the room because she overheard Rarity use the word chow and thought a treat was being offered. In Opal’s opinion, this was about as far from a treat as one could hope to get.

“Don’t judge me, Opal,” whimpered Rarity curtly, her northern cheeks almost as red as her southern ones. “You know that sometimes mama’s a bad girl and must be disciplined!”

Many mourners were in attendance for Twist’s funeral and everypony agreed that Twist herself would have been surprised by the turnout. This was Ponyville’s first funeral for a foal. It motivated a large number of Ponyville parents to have frank discussions with their younger children about railroad safety and the fatal repercussions of ignoring it. Mayor Mare wanted this to be Ponyville’s last funeral for a foal. To that end, she decreed that the length of tracks which ran under the bridge was a safety hazard and motioned to have it decommissioned immediately. The Equestria Railroad Company complied with Mayor Mare’s wishes. An alternate length of tracks that went the long way around to the Ponyville station would be constructed later that month. With the tracks on open land, anypony could clearly see a train’s arrival from any angle and cross carefully.

Twist’s casket was exquisite – or at least as exquisite as a foal-sized casket could reasonably be. It was made of the finest quality polished mahogany. The lid was kept closed due to Twist’s remains being too badly damaged to display her body. The bier upon which the casket rested was covered in an elegant white drapery. A framed 8” by 10” photograph of Twist was placed atop the casket along with flowers that were donated by local florists Daisy, Lily and Roseluck. Everypony commented on how lovely Twist looked in that photo. It was taken by a professional photographer who had opened up a studio in Ponyville. The image featured Twist clad in a shimmering powder blue party dress, smiling serenely with her eyes partially closed as she sat in a bed of flowers. She looked every bit the angel that those who were closest to her knew her to be.

Cheerilee was the first of the mourners to arrive. Upon entering the funeral parlor and greeting Twist’s parents, she sat beside the casket and stared at the photo as tears flowed down her cheeks. It was all she had the strength or will to do.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle walked along either side of Apple Bloom. Though they weren’t as close to Twist as Apple Bloom had been, they wanted to be there to support their friend in her time of need – and she was in dire need of support.

Apple Bloom blurted out an awkward apology to Twist’s mother about how wracked with guilt she was over how quickly she had dropped Twist like a hot potato once she had befriended Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle at a certain pony’s cute-ceanera. The formation of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and its mission statement had become such a large part of Apple Bloom’s identity that just about everything else fell by the wayside. She never intended to avoid Twist. In Apple Bloom’s own words, it just sort of happened. She had honestly meant to pick up where they had left off in their friendship. Now that Twist was gone, Apple Bloom would never have that chance – and she would regret her indifference for the rest of her life. Twist’s mother calmly explained to Apple Bloom that Twist wasn’t the kind of pony to hold a grudge and that, to the best of her knowledge, her daughter didn’t let the snub upset her – and neither should she. Apple Bloom felt much better after hearing that and she thanked Twist’s mother for putting her mind at ease.

The venerable Apple Family matriarch Granny Smith also made a point of coming to pay her respects. In her opinion, which she was never too shy to share with others, one of the worst things about being her age was how frequently ponies who were much younger than herself seemed to pass on far before their time. Speaking from experience, she reassured Twist’s parents that although it might seem impossible now, the pain of losing a child does lessen over time.

Many of Twist’s classmates showed up at the funeral. Naturally, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were not among them. Most of the foals were numbed by the atmosphere of the funeral home. Mortality was a subject seldom discussed in class and this place was a tribute to it. The long drapes, the black clothing everypony was wearing, the somber faces – it all seemed like a morbid alien world to them. When they needed to communicate, they spoke exclusively in whispers. When they approached the casket, they each greeted Cheerilee who was seated beside it. She neither returned their greetings nor turned her head to acknowledge their presence. None of her students took the slight personally.

Rumble had a hard time dealing with the accident once he learned of his involvement as the bait used to lure Twist out to the tracks. As heavy as his heart sat in his little chest, he felt he owed it to Twist to show up and pay his respects. He hadn’t really given the idea of having a marefriend much thought. His primary interests were competitive flying, sports and comic books. He felt that Twist was one of the more approachable fillies in class and if he ever considered pursuing one as a romantic interest, Twist would have been a candidate at the very least. Love and death: two subjects that made him uncomfortable due to his lack of understanding them.

When the time came for the eulogy to begin, the funeral director approached the casket and politely asked Cheerilee if she would be seated. Cheerilee ignored him completely. Twilight also made an attempt to ask Cheerilee if she could sit down. Her request was also ignored. The funeral director spoke to Twist’s parents about her refusal to move and they decided that there was no harm in allowing Cheerilee to remain where she was as long as her presence didn’t adversely affect the proceedings.

Twilight approached the podium. As she looked out at the mourners, she wondered how many more funerals she would be called upon to eulogize. This one was at the behest of Princess Celestia but Twilight imagined that it would be a duty expected of her as Ponyville’s local princess.

“Thank you for coming, everypony,” said Twilight.

“Louder, please,” suggested Snails from the back of the room, an act which earned him a nudge from Snips.

“For those of you who are from out of town that may not know me, my name is Twilight Sparkle... uh...” Twilight slowly lifted her right wing to display it. “Princess Twilight Sparkle. I was asked by my mentor Princess Celestia to speak on her behalf as she was regrettably unable to attend today’s ceremony due to traveling abroad in the interest of improving relations with our pony brethren on foreign soil. She sends her condolences.”

“The princess has asked many things of me during and after my time as her protégé in the belief that overcoming these challenges would make me a better pony and a more seasoned princess. I can honestly say that delivering a eulogy is right up there with the most difficult challenges I have ever faced. I’ve never lost a loved one. I can only pretend to understand the grief of the bereaved. I’ve never even read a book that had a eulogy scene. On top of that, I was specifically instructed not to prepare anything beforehoof. The task before me is to offer you, Twist’s friends and family, improvised words of comfort and healing. In this, she was confident that I could deliver the goods.” Twilight nonchalantly rubbed the underside of her left forehoof against her dress and examined it. Most of the ink that was on it earlier had come off. “And while I’m embarrassed to admit it, her confidence in my ability to succeed at this exceeded my own.” Twilight blushed as she recalled the events from last night.

“You know,” said Spike as he walked around Twilight in circles, “right around now, I’d ask you something like ‘are you sure about this, Twilight?’ but this time, I’m just gonna come right out say that I’m sure that this is one of the worst ideas you’ve ever had... uh... Your Highness.”

“Oh, folderol,” said Twilight.

“Fold a what?” asked Spike.

“Folderol,” said Twilight. “It means ‘nonsense’. Technically, I’m not Princess Celestia’s student anymore,” noted Twilight. “Surely she wouldn’t object to a few teensy, weensy cram notes.”

Twilight’s quill was surrounded by a purple glow as she wrote several key points along the underside of her hoof. Once she finished writing, she placed the quill down in the inkwell and reviewed her work. Her reading was interrupted as the ink on her hoof slithered unnaturally and reformed to spell out entirely different words. Her heart froze in terror as she read the new words.

P.T.S.

In this case, I would – and I do.

P.C.

Below the last line was a caricature of Princess Celestia’s we-are-not-amused face.

Twilight fainted – but not before learning a valuable lesson: there are some things even scarier than being unprepared.

Come on, said Twilight to herself. Get back on track. Don’t make this about you.

“I wish I could say that I had the pleasure of being well acquainted with Twist,” continued Twilight. “With my studies and various royal duties taking up most of my time, our interactions were, sadly, few and far between. I spoke with Pinkie Pie who knew her better than anyone among my group of closest friends. From what I was told, I gathered what many of you already knew: Twist was a unique individual. She loved her life and she was loved by everypony who knew her. Pinkie couldn’t be here today but she did want me to offer her condolences to Twist’s family on her behalf and to apologize for her absence. With all due respect to the bereaved, my heart goes out to Pinkie as well. Our ‘spirit of laughter’ has so much respect for Twist’s family that she made a conscious decision not to attend. She felt that her reputation as somepony who makes ponies smile and laugh would have made her appearance at a funeral... inappropriate. Personally, I didn’t see it but you all know how Pinkie is when she’s set her mind to something, right?”

Twilight wasn’t expecting a chuckle from attendees a funeral but she received one nonetheless.

Hey, it looks like I’m actually doing well. Oh, but now I’ve gone and made this about Pinkie. How long have I been up here? Two minutes? That’s all? I don’t have anything else! How to I put this baby to bed? Oh, I know.

“When I was still enrolled at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns," she continued, "I asked my mentor the Big One – what happens to ponies that pass on? She told me that a pony’s final destination depended on how they lived their lives. If one led a life of wickedness, rage and hatred, they would find themselves in the cold and harsh underground prison realm of Tartaros where they would spend eternity surrounded by the same darkness, fear and misery that they visited upon others. If one led a life filled with love, kindness and virtue, they would arrive at the Elysium fields, a welcoming place where ponies roam free and happy, surrounded by friends and bathed in warmth and light. I know that Twist can see us from Elysium right now. I’ll bet she’s eating the sweetest grass in a secret spot just behind a hill, hiding from the rest of her new friends that are playing hide and seek with her. She’s probably wishing that we weren’t sitting around feeling sad about her passing because she’s happy in her new home. We all miss Twist but we’ll see her again, Celestia willing. We just need to continue living our lives virtuously. Be good to one another. Show kindness to one another. Love one another... and you’ll all see her again. I’m just as sure of this as I am sure that seeing you again would make Twist even happier than she is now.”

I’m obviously not going to get applause but I’m curious to know how well it was received, she thought.

Cheerilee rose from her spot by the bier, walked over to Twilight and gently wrapped her forelegs about Twilight’s neck, embracing her.

“A+,” whimpered Cheerilee who managed to push a weak smile through trembling lips.

Twilight grinned and gently stroked Cheerilee’s foreleg with a hoof.

Slavery

“Thanks fer walkin’ me ta mah house, guys,” said Apple Bloom.

“Hey, no prob,” said Scootaloo.

“Yeah, that’s what friends are for,” noted Sweetie Belle.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders bowed out a bit earlier from the funeral than the other mourners. Apple Bloom wasn’t feeling well and so Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle volunteered to take her back home. They had just left the funeral home and were on their way to Sweet Apple Acres.

“Yeah, that’s what friends are for... but some friend ah turned out to be,” moped Apple Bloom, referring to her guilt regarding Twist.

“You’re a great friend, Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, ta you guys, maybe. But who knows; ah might just take a shine ta some cooler group of ponies that comes trotting along and ah’ll abandon y’all. That’s what ah did ta Twist. Lightning might strike twice.”

“Pfft, as if there’s a cooler group of ponies than us,” scoffed Scootaloo.

“But if you left, who would lead the Cutie Mark Crusaders in your absence?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Lead?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Well, yeah, you are our leader, after all,” said Scootaloo.

“Since when? Ah’m not the leader of The Cutie Mark Crusaders.”

“All right,” said Scootaloo with a shrug. “You’re the boss.”

“No. Ah’m not. That’s mah point. Ah’m not orderin’ y’all ta stop acknowledgin’ me as your leader. Ah’m just makin’ an observation. Ah was never your leader ta begin with.”

“So you’re not our leader?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“What’d ah just say? No, ah’m not... because we never had a leader.”

“Then dibs on being leader!” said Sweetie Belle.

“No fair!” cried Scootaloo. “I was just about to call dibs!”

“Too late,” said Sweetie Belle, smiling proudly. “I called dibs. I’m the leader now.”

“We all have an equal voice,” stated Apple Bloom. “We all vote on important Crusader business together. That’s how it works. That’s how it’s always worked. We do not... have... a leader!”

“DIBS ON BEING LEADER!” said Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo simultaneously to capture the now vacant position.

“I said it first!” stated Scootaloo.

“No, I did!” refuted Sweetie Belle.

“STOOOOOP!!” shouted Apple Bloom. She stopped walking and turned around to address her fellow Crusaders. “Are y’all even listening ta a word ah’m- uhh! Okay, look, ah was wrong an’ y’all were right. Ah am your leader.”

“But you said we didn’t have one.”

“I’m... president.”

“You are?” asked Scootaloo.

“Yes. Now let’s drop it, all right?”

Apple Bloom turned back around and continued her journey home. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo followed her.

“Huh,” mumbled Sweetie Belle.

“What?” asked an irritated Apple Bloom.

“How did you become president? I didn’t vote for you.”

“Yeah, shouldn’t we put it to a vote or something?”

Apple Bloom facehoofed.

“All in favor of not gettin’ a hoof ta the eye, say ‘aye’.”

“Aye,” said Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle, unnerved by Apple Bloom's aggressive behavior.

“And all opposed ta impeachin' me as president o’ the Cutie Mark Crusaders, say ‘nay’ and Scootaloo, don’t ya dare neigh or ah swear ah’ll knock ya into next week.”

“Nay,” said both Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.

“Good, then it’s settled,” said Apple Bloom, eyeballing Scootaloo. “Ah swear ta Celestia ah hate that corny pun o’ yours almost as much as ah hate Diamond Tiara. If ya wanna make us laugh so danged much, you should show us another one o’ your attempts ta fly.”

Scootaloo gasped. She cast her eyes downward and pouted.

Apple Bloom also gasped, covering her mouth in shock at the pot shot she had taken at Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle marched up to Apple Bloom and spun around quickly, slapping her friend across the face with her tail. Sweetie Belle used volumizing conditioners and styling products on her tail so it was actually quite dense and it hurt Apple Bloom when she got clobbered by it. The earth pony filly sat down and held a hoof against the side of her face where she was dealt the well-deserved blow.

“Did you hear what you just said to our friend?” asked Sweetie Belle. “We’re all blank flanks, Apple Bloom! Did you forget the glass house that you live in before throwing that stone?"

“See what ah mean?" asked Apple Bloom. "Mah friendship ain’t worth-”

“Stop!”

“What? What did ah do now?”

“You just spout off something that hurts your friend’s feelings and now you're playing the victim? You just lost your old friend Twist. Scootaloo and I are trying to help you through a tough time. We’ve never done this before so we don’t know how to act around you but I’m pretty sure that being your punching bags isn’t part of it. We get that you’re hurting because you're feeling guilty but please don’t make it harder for us to help you by taking your anger out on us – and for pony’s sake, do not feel sorry for yourself when we call you on the carpet for it. That just makes it seem worse somehow.”

“Oh, mah gosh. You’re absolutely right. Sorry, Scootaloo. Ah can’t believe ah said somethin’ so stupid an’ insensitive ta you. Ah’m ashamed o’ mahself. Ah am so sorry, girls. Y’all deserve better than how ah’ve treated ya. Ah've got mah head on straight now. Ah promise ah’ll be more considerate.”

Scootaloo blinked.

“Wow, Sweetie Belle,” she said. “That was... pretty deep.”

Sweetie Belle turned her attention to Scootaloo.

“Rarity told me a real friend kicks your plot for you and tells you when they catch you doing something stupid.” Sweetie Belle closed her eyes, stood on her hind legs and spread her forelegs. “Now give me a hug so we can be best pals again and put this behind us.” Apple Bloom stood on her hind legs and both fillies wrapped their forelegs around one another.

“You too, Scootaloo,” urged Sweetie Belle, beckoning her forward with a hoof.

“No thanks... but we’re cool now, Apple Bloom. Honest.”

The girls continued their trek to Sweet Apple Acres.

“I overheard some of the other kids from class talking,” said Scootaloo, “and they said that they’re not too happy with Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon since neither of them went to jail.”

“Well, ah sure don’t blame ‘em,” said Apple Bloom. “Those two got away with murder. Who knows who they’ll go after next now that they’ve had their first taste o’ innocent blood?”

“We should do something about those two,” said Scootaloo. “Not just us but something that everypony else in class can do along with us to show how disgusted we all are.”

“Hmm... Ah think ah might have an idea,” said Apple Bloom.

“Does it involves power tools?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“No.”

“Can it?”

“No. Well… no.

Official visiting hours at the Ponyville funeral home were coming to a close but there was always an overlap for stragglers since having a margin for error was always appreciated by friends and family members who wanted to say goodbye to their loved ones but were held over by their responsibilities and whatnot. One such straggler, a pink mare with a straight deep pink mane, was on the guest list but was an absentee during the eulogy showed up to pay her respects.

Pinkie Pie scratched the area of her neck behind her collar with her hoof for the umpteenth time since she put on the dress she wore. This outfit made her uncomfortable in more ways than one. She didn’t like wearing black, primarily because it was the least festive of colors. The closest thing to partying that black offered was that it was the color (or absence of color as Twilight was fond of pointing out) of a graduate’s cap and gown that might be seen at a graduation party but even then she preferred a dark blue or burgundy. However, life was never without its compromises and so she tolerated the discomfort of her clothing so that she might see her little friend off to Elysium. The only allies she had in her ensemble were her dark sunglasses and her black veiled pillbox style hat which obscured her face further. Her eyes hadn’t bled again since the day of the accident. She didn’t know her affliction’s parameters so if being near Twist meant that it could possibly be set off again, she wanted there to be nopony else around to see it.

“Hey, Twist,” said Pinkie Pie softly as she approached the coffin and removed her sunglasses from underneath her veil. She did a double take when she spotted the photograph of Twist which sat on the casket and she grinned. “Is that you? Are you sure that there weren’t any colts chasing after you? Giiirl, you had it goin’ awn! In a few more years, Rarity would have been on you like frosting on a cupcake so that you could model clothing for her.” Pinkie’s grin disappeared as she placed her forehooves on the casket. “I’m sorry that I didn’t come sooner. I guess you know why I skipped out on the ceremony. I’m really scared right now about that whole blood thing. I put it off for a while but I’ve got a doctor’s appointment tomorrow... and do you remember my friend Petri Dish, the forensic scientist? Pete’s got Rarity’s hoofkerchief, the one I used on my face to keep from messing up the floor. He’s examining the dried up blood and he should have some results for me soon. Hopefully, Rarity’s wrong about it being a Pinkie sense and it’s actually just some kind of health issue. Heh, can you imagine? I’m actually hoping that I’m sick. Funny, huh? But if it’s my Pinkie sense telling me that somepony close to me has died... I don’t know what I’m gonna do. Please don’t think that I blame you, though. If it wasn’t you who set it off, it would’ve just been somepony else’s passing that did. I don’t want any of my friends to die but... gee whiz, I sure wish that it hadn’t been you.”

Pinkie stopped speaking and closed her eyes tightly. When she reopened them, her vision was distorted due to the tears in her eyes. Her lower lip started to quiver. She sniffled back moisture which threatened to spill out of her nostrils and swallowed it down.

“I... am gonna miss you... so... much, Twist,” said Pinkie softly, her voice wavering out of grief. “I love all of my friends and I know that all of my friends love me... but you were always the one who was the most enthusiastic to see me. It’s like I never got old to you; like the novelty of having me as your friend never wore off. That meant so much to me. Y’know, the hardest thing about having foal friends is that, when they get older, the friendships they made make way for new interests... new pursuits... and new relationships. All of my foal friends will eventually become less interested in my friendship and maybe even take it for granted. And it won’t be their fault. Not really. That’s just life. But when it came to you, I never had that fear. I had faith that I could count on you to match my enthusiasm for our friendship no matter how much older you got. Smile for smile, hop for hop... You...” Her lip quivered as she valiantly fought back the tears she didn’t want to shed until she had said what she came to say. She reared her head back and looked at the ceiling. “...You... were my Pinkie Pie.” She sniffled and bit her lip to keep it from trembling. “I will never... ever... forget you. I love you... and I’ll miss you.” She lowered her head and leaned in toward the photo frame, placing a soft kiss on the pane of glass.

Pinkie took in a deep breath and prepared to sing a lullaby.

A friend is still a friend even when they’ve gone away
And my broken heart will mend when we meet again some day
In a field of gold (or so I’m told) with happiness and laughter
So just wait for me (please, patiently) and we’ll party ever after

Her voice cracked repeatedly during her performance. She fought the good fight to keep it together at least until she got to the chorus but her grief got the better of her. Her little friend, her Twister sister, her handy dandy candy standy was really gone and Pinkie’s heart felt like it was being stabbed by a thousand needles. The pain of losing a friend that she loved was just as strong as the joy that came with making that friend. For Pinkie Pie, that was a lot. Her mouth dropped open and she sobbed out loud with as much intensity as when she first heard the news of Twist’s demise. She reached into her purse, removed a hoofkerchief from it and blew her nose into it with a resounding honk.

“Huh?”

When Pinkie removed her hoofkerchief, she saw a strange translucent shape hovering in front of her face and didn’t know what to make of it at first. A moment later, she was able to identify it as a patch of snot. She had neglected to lift her veil when she blew her runny nose and now there was an icky wet field of nasal goo saturating the fabric. Pinkie dropped the hoofkerchief, scrambled to remove her hat and tossed it onto the floor once it was off.

The corners of her mouth started to curl upward in a familiar way and her lungs were seized by sustained spasms. She recognized this sensation. It was laughter. She quickly placed her hooves over her mouth in an attempt to stifle herself. A funeral home wasn’t the place for laughter. Then she asked herself why she shouldn’t laugh. Twist would have found this bonehead move hilarious. Convinced that Twist would have endorsed this course of action, Pinkie rolled onto her back, closed her eyes and let loose with enough laughter for both Twist and herself. She laughed so hard that it hurt and then she laughed some more.

When Pinkie’s laughter subsided, she got to her hooves and began to catch her breath, she turned and saw her snot-soaked hat on the floor. She emitted a sustained snort of laughter that reminded her of how her father used to sound when he snored. Hearing that sound come out of her own body made her laugh so hard that she fell back on her plot, rested her back against the bier and started to convulse with as much vigor as when she first started laughing. She knew how ridiculous she must have looked and she tried to suppress her laughter but it was simply impossible. She couldn’t keep her mouth closed. Her laughter was so high pitched that it was barely making a sound. She could hardly see through her squinty tear-logged eyes and any air that she could get into her lungs was forced out as quickly as it arrived. She covered her mouth with her left hoof while her right hoof held her aching midsection.

My stomach! Pinkie yowled internally. Sweet Celestia, my STOMAAAAAAAACH!

Her laughter had reached its apex and began to subside as she caught her breath. She had never felt the healing power of laughter work its magic more than at this moment and she was grateful to Twist who surely had to be responsible for administering this healthy dose of the best medicine in the universe. She desperately needed this. With a gathering of mourners present, she would never have been able to send Twist off with laughter without it being taken out of context. Without realizing it, Pinkie found that her dress wasn’t nearly as uncomfortable as it was a while ago.

“Goodbye, Twist,” she said softly as she rubbed her eyes with her hoof, looking up at the ceiling and picturing Twist smiling down at her.

“Pinkie Pie?” said a voice that came from behind her.

Pinkie’s poofy deep pink locks bobbed as she quickly sat up and turned her head to see who had called her name. It was her good friend Cheerilee, Ponyville’s favored schoolteacher. She was dressed in a simple black outfit that looked very elegant on her. She wore a tray harness which she was using to carry two coffee mugs.

“Oh, hi, Cheerilee,” said Pinkie as she stood on all four hooves and smiled a nervous smile. “You’rrrrrre probably wondering why I’m laughing next to Twist’s casket. I can explain.”

“There’s no need,” said Cheerilee with a grin, “If I had to guess, I’d say that you were probably reminiscing about a time that Twist made you laugh. She gave me many reasons to laugh, too. I’m glad that you could make it. It’s good to see you.”

“Thanks, it’s good to see you, too.” Pinkie sniffed at the air, detecting something that smelled sweet nearby. She took a few steps toward Cheerilee and spied a mass of white objects atop her mug. “Is that what I think it is?”

Cheerilee nodded and grinned. Pinkie returned the grin upon receiving confirmation that her guess was correct.

“Hot marshmallows with mini-chocolate!” they said.

“That’s right,” said Cheerilee, looking down at the mugs on her tray. “Twist’s own drink creation – that is, if something with so little liquid in it qualifies as a drink. It seemed appropriate to have one in celebration of her life. I was going to leave this second mug for Twist... but now that you’re here... I think she would have wanted you to have it instead.”

“Don’t mind if I do.” Pinkie reached out and happily accepted the mug. She turned around, looked back at the casket and then returned her attention to Cheerilee. “Do you think it’s okay to... y’know, drink this here?”

“It’s just a funeral home, Pinkie, not the Canterlot Castle throne room.”

Pinkie gulped.

Am I not supposed to eat in the castle throne room? she wondered. I have before and nopony ever said anything.

“It’s not unheard of for guests to partake of refreshments,” continued Cheerilee. “Mourners do need to replenish their lost fluids, you know.” Cheerilee placed her hoof against her cheek and dragged it down her face to denote that she was referring to fluids lost from excessive tears.

“That’s true.”

“With the exception of the staff, everypony else has already left so you wouldn’t be offending anypony... but if you’d feel more comfortable drinking this elsewhere, we can step out back. There’s a small enclosed area with some chairs. Would you like to relocate there?”

“I’d love to.” She took a few steps closer to Cheerilee.

“Oh, Pinkie? Is that your hat on the floor?” Cheerilee pointed to the hat that Pinkie had.

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh... no.”

Pinkie followed Cheerilee through the hallway and down a long gently lit corridor. Judging by the certainty of the pace at which she strode, Pinkie deduced that Cheerilee had familiarized herself with the layout of the funeral home throughout the day. As they walked down the corridor, Pinkie noticed several doors to other viewing rooms and she shivered, wondering how many of them had held services. It gave her the heebie jeebies.

The two friends arrived at a door with an exit sign. Cheerilee pushed it open and led Pinkie through it. The door led to a peaceful and well-tended flower garden that had a four foot tall gray brick wall cordoning off the immediate seating area. There were a dozen chairs as well as a water cooler. With the sun setting and a cool breeze passing lazily through her mane, she found it very much to her liking. After taking her mug and removing her tray, Cheerilee stood on her hind legs and rested her elbows on the top of the wall to admire the sunset. Pinkie did the same, standing beside Cheerilee on her left side.

“A toast,” said Cheerilee, holding her mug up.

Pinkie grinned and held her mug at the ready as she waited for Cheerilee to come up with words to honor the passing of their mutual little friend. Pinkie’s grin slowly faded away as she looked into Cheerilee’s face. The purple mare appeared to be on the verge of tears and yet she was forcing herself to smile.

“Cheeri-”

“I’m fine, I’m fine. I was going to make a toast and that’s what I’m going to do. I just need a minute.”

Cheerilee closed her eyes and took deep breaths as she regained her composure, focusing on the joy that Twist brought her rather than the sorrow that came from losing her.

“To the best pupil a teacher could ask for,” toasted Cheerilee.

“To a one-of-a-kind friend,” counter-toasted Pinkie.

The two mares clinked their mugs together, lifted them to their lips and sipped from the drink containing dozens of hot chocolate-moistened mini-marshmallow globs. Pinkie was capable of chugging the whole drink in one swig – one might say she was overqualified to do so – but she opted to take a normal sip and match Cheerilee’s pace.

“Do you work tomorrow?” asked Cheerilee.

“No,” replied Pinkie. “The Cakes knew that Twist was a friend of mine and they’re giving me as much time off as I need to grieve.”

Cheerilee grinned.

“You have really good employers,” she said.

“I know. I’m pretty lucky. What about you? Do you work tomorrow?”

Cheerilee shook her head.

“The schoolhouse will remain closed a bit longer. The school board is reviewing a few things with their lawyers to make sure they haven’t been sued by Twist’s parents over what happened, after which they’ll gladly send them a late condolence card. Once school’s back in session, I’ll have a talk with the children about train safety and a general discussion about how this tragedy has affected them. You and I should hang out at my house and hold a wake in honor of Twist. We can drink something a little stronger than hot chocolate behind closed doors, if you get my meaning.” Cheerilee gave Pinkie a wink and a nod.

“A wake? With just the two of us?”

“Fewer guests equals more cider for us, right?”

Pinkie grinned.

“Now that’s the kind of math I can get behind. Color me there.” She dropped her grin and partook in some sunset gazing. “How was the funeral?”

“It was... special. I think you would have found it enlightening. You really should have come, Pinkie.”

“Oh, but didn’t Twilight tell-”

“She told everypony all about why you decided not to come. She didn’t buy it... and neither did I. Your presence would not have been viewed as inappropriate, Pinkie. I wouldn’t have seen it that way. Neither would Twist’s parents. If they thought for a second that you were going to break out your party cannon or perform a juggling act during the eulogy, they wouldn’t have sent you an invitation. I think you plain old chickened out.”

Pinkie frowned. She had no-showed due to her blood tears but she chose not to share that with Cheerilee. Being insulted by her friend for not attending the services was a bit harsh but not totally undeserved. She looked into her mug as she swirled it, causing the marshmallow mass within to spin around.

“Yeah, well, I’m sorry you feel that way,” said Pinkie, deciding that this was neither the time nor the place to .

“Forgive me, Pinkie,” said Cheerilee. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m hardly one to talk when I’m a chicken myself.”

Pinkie turned to look at Cheerilee and blinked.

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“Did you know that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were the ones responsible for bringing Twist out to the train tracks?”

“That’s what the Ponyville Express said.”

Cheerilee turned to face Pinkie.

“What; you don’t believe that they did what the paper said?”

“The paper just printed what the official police statement said but I haven’t spoken to either Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon since the accident. I’ve learned that it’s best to get both sides of a story before making a judgment call.”

“Take it from me, Pinkie. I know how those two operate. They were capable of doing it. I don’t need to hear their side to believe it. To be perfectly frank, I don’t want to hear their side. I’ve lost track of the number of times I’ve talked to the Ponyville school board about bullying. I hear the same thing from my fellow teachers every time I attend the annual teacher’s convention in Canterlot. We’ve all suggested to our employers that we start an aggressive anti-bullying program in the school and they turn around and tell us that the money isn’t in the budget, that we should stick to the curriculum, and that they have faith that we’ll use our best judgment to take disciplinary action against a student when necessary. The board also told me that I shouldn’t worry about what I can’t change. ‘Foals will be foals’, after all.”

“They said it to you like that?”

“Not in so many words but that was pretty much the gist of it. What they don’t seem to understand is that letting a problem like bullying go unchecked can have damaging long term effects. It’s not all spit wads and name calling. And not all bullies are as dumb as everypony thinks they are. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are whip smart. They know that I have the authority to punish them if I catch them abusing the other students. So they do their worst outside of school where I have no authority. They target the students they feel will be the most receptive to their cruel words. Twist was one of those students. Have I ever told you about the time I made Diamond Tiara the editor-in-chief of the Foal Free Press?”

“Featherweight told me that he had been appointed editor-in-chief so I’m guessing that he replaced Diamond Tiara.”

“That’s right. I had hoped that having some authority and responsibilities would allow her to mature and give up her bullying ways... but it didn’t turn out that way. I found out just in time that she was abusing the privileges I gave her. She was even blackmailing Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle to keep them from quitting their Gabby Gums gossip column.”

“I never knew.”

“As advisor, I had no choice but to strip her of her title as soon as I learned about the mischief she was up to and appointed Featherweight as the new editor-in-chief. I did what I felt was right but the school board felt differently. Not long afterward, I was summoned to the main office outside of town where I was required to brief them about the incident. They usually don’t summon me to appear before them unless something major happens. They said that while they supported my decision to strip Diamond Tiara of her title, they felt that my conduct was less than exemplary. They said that I should have relieved her of her title in private rather than humiliate her in front of her peers... and I hate to admit it but they were absolutely right. The protocol for this kind of thing is pretty clear. I guess the reason why I let my emotions get the better of me was because I gave Diamond Tiara a chance to reform and she abused her power to suit her own needs and fill her own purse with advertising revenue that the paper generated. Can you believe it? Her weekly allowance is probably more than I make in a month and she wants more money.”

“What happened after the school board told you that you should have fired her in private?”

“The board gave me four choices. One was resigning... but there was no way that I was about to forfeit my pension over this matter. The other three choices: I could apologize to Diamond Tiara, I could pay a five thousand bit fine – or I could take a leave of absence without pay to undergo a two-week long sensitivity training course in Seaddle.”

“You? Insensitive? That’s crazy! And Seaddle? Why so far away? Were you even going to be reimbursed for your travel expenses?”

“Not a single cent. I couldn’t afford to pay the fine. And lodging in Seaddle plus expenses coming out of my own pocket wouldn't have been much cheaper – all with no paycheck behind that one to last me until the next one. Teachers don’t pursue their chosen field for the pay. I try to manage my money the best I can but I simply can’t afford to throw it away on fines and have nothing to show for it.”

“So you were railroaded into apologizing.”

“Oh, big time. And I couldn’t figure out why, either. My efforts had always been appreciated by the board in the past. You’ve seen the plaques on my walls, all the awards that I’ve won. I’m darned good at what I do and I’m proud of my achievements. l decided that I would apologize to Diamond Tiara the very next day after class was dismissed. From the second she entered the schoolhouse that morning until the final bell rung, she had the biggest smile on her face. It wasn’t a heartwarming happy-to-see-you smile like yours.” Pinkie smiled in response to Cheerilee’s compliment. “Yes, nothing at all like that. Hers was a smug, condescending smile; the kind of smile that a rich spoiled brat wears when she knows that she’s getting revenge. ‘Diamond Tiara,” I said, “I sincerely apologize for the insensitive way I removed you as editor-in-chief. It was wrong of me to do that in front of your peers and you have my word that I will be more considerate of your feelings should it become necessary to discipline you again.’ She dropped her smile and said ‘Oh, no, Miss Cheerilee, you don’t have to apologize to me. I was way out of line and I deserved to be demoted to press operator. In a way, I’m sort of glad that things happened the way that they did because now we both have a better understanding of who’s really in charge around here.’ Then she gave me that smug smile again and she picked up an apple that one of my students had left on my desk. She said ‘The world is my apple, Miss Cheerilee... and the only thing that you and the other worms in it can do... is wait for the bite.’ Then she took a bite of my apple, put it back on the desk and left the schoolhouse.”

“Oh, wow.”

“It gets better. I found out later why I was being railroaded. The Ponyville school board had been flirting with the idea of bringing a new member into the fold. And I heard through the grapevine who was a week away from joining them: Filthy Rich.”

“Are you serious? Isn’t that a... what do they call it... oh, it’s on the tip of my tongue... A conflict of interest?”

Cheerilee nodded.

“But what can I do when the system that gives me any power at all is the system I’m trying to fight? Mr. Rich probably isn’t even aware of how his daughter is using his position with the school board as leverage over me... but even if he was, she’d probably get off scot free the way she escaped justice in the courtroom. What do I matter, anyway? I’m just a teacher... and there are more ponies out there who want to be a teacher than there are teaching positions. I used to think I was lucky, once upon a time.” Cheerilee lifted the mug to her lips and gobbled down the rest of her marshmallows. Once it was empty, she placed the mug in her right hoof, reared back her foreleg and hurled it at a stone statue in the garden. The mug hit its target and shattered upon impact. Her lower lip began to quiver and her eyes began to tear up. “Oh, Pinkie, I have worked my tail off to be the best teacher I can be. I believed in the calling of education, the calling of nurturing children. I love my job and I love this town but now I’m forced to put up with the shenanigans of that... that demon seed in my class if I want to keep doing what I love. She wouldn’t try to use her leverage to get straight A’s. She’s literally too smart for that. Academically, she’s genius level. I gave her plenty of space after that little talk... but then she figured out how much I loved Twist and she’d bully her every now and then just to get a rise out of me. Twist would tell me about it. She didn’t understand why she was being picked on so regularly... but I did – and I couldn’t tell her. How could I? If Twist found out what was going on behind the scenes, I was afraid that my little angel would become my guardian angel and would have tried doing something extreme to Diamond Tiara in order to help me. I couldn’t let that happen... and so I allowed Diamond Tiara to pester Twist because it was the lesser of two evils. I didn’t put a stop to it because if I crossed Diamond Tiara, she could use her new influence to get me in trouble with the board and possibly even get me fired. So I asked Twist to ignore it... and now she’s gone. Sure, I may not have wanted to teach outside of Ponyville and leave Twist but if I had known what was about to happen, I swear that I would have! I should have! If I had, maybe Diamond Tiara would have left Twist alone and she’d still be alive! I betrayed my most beloved student, Pinkie! And it wound up costing Twist her life!”

Pinkie hugged Cheerilee, gently stroking her mane to comfort her as she cried.

“I loved Twist so much, Pinkie,” wept Cheerilee, “I loved that little filly more than anything but I did nothing to help her and I am going to burn forever in Tartaros for my cowardice.”

“Hey, come on, she loved you, too. And I know that she would never have held anything against you. She loved you. And so do I.”

Pinkie held Cheerilee for as long as she needed to be held.

“Don’t worry, Cheerilee," said Pinkie, releasing Cheerilee. "You came to the right pony. Tell me how I can help and I’ll do my best.”

“I appreciate the offer but there’s nothing you can do to help me, Pinkie. I’m afraid there’s nothing anypony can do. I can’t go to the teacher’s union about my situation. I know what they’d say. They’d say that until I have solid proof that Diamond Tiara is using her influence to manipulate me, it’s my word against hers. But how would I get proof? And as long as Filthy Rich is a member of the school board, the other board members would probably set me on fire if Diamond Tiara asked them to. I don’t want to quit the only job I’ve ever wanted. My only choice is to ride this out until she graduates... although who knows if she’ll simply get me fired after graduation when she no longer has to attend my class?””

“But I can talk to Diamond Ti-”

“Absolutely not. You mustn’t tell her a word of what I’ve told you. Involving Twist was bad enough. I won't have her use anypony else I love against me.”

“But Cheerilee, you’re being bullied... and by a foal, too! If you don’t do something, it’ll keep on happening.”

“Don’t you think I know that? Do you think I want to be at the mercy of that monster? I’d give anything to be rid of her but teaching is my life! Without it, I – Oh, Pinkie, I am so sorry I yelled at you. I’m just so frustrated. If I catch Diamond Tiara breaking the rules or bullying somepony else, I’m well within my rights to punish her but until then, there’s nothing else that I can do. And there's no need to worry about me. I'll be okay. She ripped out my heart when she took Twist from me. There’s not much else that she can do to hurt me anymore, not that learning that would make her give up trying. I can grin and bear it for a few more years until she graduates... but if worse comes to worst... well, would you happen to know if Mr. and Mrs. Cake are hiring?”

Pinkie hugged Cheerilee again. As much as Pinkie would have loved having Cheerilee as a co-worker, she did not want her friend to leave the job she loved, nor did she want her to suffer.

Two questions burned in Pinkie Pie’s thoughts.

First: How could she have a foal friend who was so downright evil?

The quick solution to that was that she wouldn’t.

To Tartaros with listening to both sides of a story, thought Pinkie. I trust Cheerilee... and I’m done with Diamond Tiara.

That left the second question.

What happened to Diamond Tiara that made her turn out to be so evil?

Precocity

The Apple family’s rooster greeted Apple Bloom with a crow as she walked past the fence post upon which he stood on this fine morning. The schoolhouse was open once again and this would be the first day of classes since Twist’s death. Apple Bloom’s saddlebags were usually packed with her lunch and her schoolbooks but today they were empty for she would not need either of them. She was a bit nervous about what she had planned but she couldn’t have been happier to have obtained the participation of everypony in class, taking pride in the fact that they were united by their disdain for the debacle that was Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s court ruling. Apple Bloom knew that hers would be a tepid course of action at best. It wouldn’t shake the foundation of Ponyville by any stretch of the imagination. It might, however, make headlines and force ponies to take notice.

Here’s hopin’ it’ll be a slow news day, she thought.

Apple Bloom was nearly at the schoolhouse when she saw Scootaloo standing by the stairs, waiting for her. Scootaloo caught sight of Apple Bloom coming up the path and ran to meet her half way.

“Is everypony here?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Everypony but the guests of honor and Rumble,” said Scootaloo. “There’s something you should know. Rumble’s big brother Thunderlane brought a note from their mother this morning. Brace yourself: Rumble’s being transferred to Cloudsdale Elementary. He’s not coming back.”

“Transferred? Aw, no way! Why?”

“I don’t know for sure but I think it might have been because his parents didn’t care for our little coup we’ve got planned today.”

“Well, that’s just great! As if ah really needed another reason ta dislike Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. They’ve cost us the cutest colt in class!” Apple Bloom sighed but then smirked shortly afterward. “Ah guess that leaves Featherweight at the top spot, eh, Scootaloo?”

Scootaloo frowned.

“I said I was sorry for not telling you about the time I kissed him.”

“Ah know, ah know. Ah just like givin’ ya a hard time. So? How was it?”

“It was all right,” Scootaloo grinned as she recalled the kiss. “He asked if he could kiss me. I was curious so I said yes. It was over before I knew it.”

“But what was it like?”

“Ummmm... It was warm… and wet. But fun. That’s about it. I don’t really put that much stock in first kisses. I plan on having a lot more and with cuter colts, too – if any ever move to Ponyville, that is.”

“Did he ask ya ta be his girl or anythin’ like that?”

“No, I don’t think he’s ready for that yet… and neither am I, for that matter. He was brave enough to ask me for the kiss but once he went through with it, he thanked me and flew off. I think he got embarrassed which was kinda cute in its own way.”

“You’re a lot braver than ah am. Ah never even had the nerve to borrow a pencil from Rumble.”

“Would you have kissed Rumble?”

“Are you kiddin’? I’d totally kiss him! That is, ah like the idea very much but ah don’t know what ah’d do if he actually asked me for a kiss. Ah’d like to think that ah’d go through with it, though. What about you? Would you kiss ‘im?”

Scootaloo shook her head.

“Get outta town!”

“I’m serious.”

“Why the hay would ya kiss Featherweight but not Rumble?”

“Featherweight is kid brother cute, like Pipsqueak. Rumble is cute cute but he knows it. I know a heartbreaker when I see one. Button Mash is cute cute too but he doesn’t know it. And I’d kiss him but...”

“...but Sweetie Belle.”

“Yeah, but Sweetie Belle.”

“Oh, but dibs on Button if it doesn’t work out!”

“Dangit! Why am I always a step behind on calling dibs!”

“Would ya kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiss... Thunderlane?”

Scootaloo blinked.

“You... are gross,” she stated.

“What? Ah happen ta think he’s handsome.”

“Gerrrrrrr-ro-oss.”

“Is it cuz he’s not a colt? What’s the big deal? I ain’t gonna marry ‘im!”

“C’mon, it’s game time. Let’s take our seats.”

“No, really, tell me. Is it the mohawk?”

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon approached the steps to the schoolhouse, wondering why nopony was outside before first bell. They entered and found that everypony but Rumble was present and accounted for, sitting quietly. They also saw Cheerilee sitting at her desk, eyes facing forward. There was no need to even ring the bell at all.

Diamond Tiara smirked as she took her seat. She expected that something might happen on her first day back. Silver Spoon gulped and held her head low as she got to her seat.

Once they were seated, Scootaloo rose and approached Cheerilee’s desk.

“Miss Cheerilee,” she said with a volume that was slightly higher than normal, “I have an announcement I’d like to make on behalf of the majority of the class.”

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s ears perked up, knowing that they were not a part of the majority that was consulted regarding whatever it was that Scootaloo was about to say.

“As you know,” continued Scootaloo, “one of our classmates was involved in a terrible tragedy. I, along with the majority of the class, feel that the ponies responsible for this tragedy were given preferential treatment when they received their day in court. In light of this shameful event, we, the students of Ponyville Elementary, do hereby declare that, effective immediately, we will be staging a civil protest in the form of a walkout.”

Everypony but Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon rose from their seats simultaneously and stood up straight beside their desks with near military efficiency.

“That’s your protest?” asked Diamond Tiara rhetorically. “Skipping out on school?” Shaking her head slowly, she expelled her breath nasally and smirked. Scootaloo ignored Diamond Tiara and continued.

“We do not take this course of action lightly and we want to assure you that we are not doing this out of disrespect to your authority. If anything, your wisdom and guidance is what indirectly prompted us to stage this walkout. You taught us to march to the beat of our own drum, to remain true to ourselves and to have the courage to do what we feel is right. You’re a credit to your profession and an invaluable inspiration to not just us, but to every pony in Equestria. In short, we love you. We do this because we cannot, with a clear conscience, sit in the same room as the perpetrators of this ugly crime and pretend that nothing happened when the lessons that you taught us compel us to do otherwise. Our parents and/or guardians are aware of our walkout and fully support our actions.”

“I understand,” said Cheerilee. “I must give you fair warning. I can’t condone a walkout in any official capacity. If you won’t reconsider, then I’m afraid that I must mark you absent for the day.”

“We understand, Miss Cheerilee.”

“I am permitted to say that I respect the civility with which you are choosing to make this protest known to me. I expect that this will only be a one-day demonstration. We’ve got a lot of ground to cover if we’re going to catch up.”

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee. Thank you.”

Silver Spoon sank in her seat as her classmates walked past her out the door and gave her dirty looks. The fact that they were so disgusted with the verdict that they couldn’t stand to sit in the same room as her had doubled her torment. The door shut behind the walkouts and Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon looked at one another. Diamond grinned. Silver did not.

Cheerilee looked at the back of the room, taking care not to look directly at either Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon. She tapped her hoof on the desk a few times to break the irritating silence.

“It would appear as though it’s just the three of us left,” she said, trying to sound as chipper as she usually did.

The clock on the wall ticked louder than ever. Cheerilee scowled as she made a decision.

“You know what?” she asked in her deeper, more cynical voice that she tried not to use around her students. “I’ve got a sick day saved up that I can use. Class dismissed. I’m out of here.” Cheerilee walked toward the door and opened it.

“I’m sorry, Miss Cheerilee!” said Silver Spoon. “I never meant to get Twist killed.”

Cheerilee stopped walking. She stood in the doorway and hung her head, choosing not to turn around.

“We. Didn’t. Kill. Anypony,” hissed Diamond Tiara to her friend.

“I’m sorry, too, Silver Spoon...” said Cheerilee. “Because, try as I might, despite your apology... despite the fact that you are a foal and are prone to making mistakes... I can’t bring myself to forgive you. I should – but I just can’t.”

“I know how we can resolve all of this, Miss Cheerilee,” said Diamond Tiara. “Tonight, I’ll have a great, big dinner. Then, with your permission, tomorrow before class starts, I’ll drop a deuce on Twist’s old seat. It’ll be like she never left.”

Cheerilee walked out of the schoolhouse. Diamond Tiara smiled mischievously and ran to the doorway to watch her teacher do the only thing she could do: flee.

“Nopony’ll even notice the difference!” she shouted to Cheerilee.

Cheerilee increased her speed to a trot.

“AND IT MIGHT EVEN SMELL BETTER THAN SHE DID!” shouted Daimond Tiara louder than before.

Cheerilee galloped away after hearing that.

“What did you do that for?” barked Silver Spoon.

“That’s what I was going to ask you, Silver. Why did you apologize to Miss Cheerilee for getting Twist ‘killed’?”

“Oh, gee, I dunno... Maybe because I got Twist killed?”

“Never apologize when you can criticize! We pled guilty to reckless conduct because that’s all we did. Don’t you remember what our lawyer said?”

“I remember what he said... but I also remember what I did. I wish to Celestia that I didn’t.” Silver quickly covered her mouth, recalling Twist's words regarding the Unspoken Wish.

“And I wish to Celestia that you’d get over it. I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately.”

“It’s called guilt, Di. Maybe you’ve heard of it? Being sorry isn’t the same as being forgiven. And neither is having our sentences suspended. I know you. I know you have a heart. I don’t see how you’re not the least bit sorry.”

“I am sorry. We’re just sorry about two different things, that’s all. We were just playing a prank on somepony and an accident happened that was outside of our control. Our conduct was reckless in the eyes of the law... and that’s the only thing we have to be sorry about.”

“Y’know, I didn’t care that most of our classmates didn’t like us. I don’t like them a whole lot, either. I’ve got the best friend I could ask for in you.”

“Dang skippy.”

“You’re welcome. But now they don’t even respect us – not even our teacher respects us.”

“Not too surprising, seeing as how much Miss Cheerilee liked Twist. I guess there’s no accounting for taste. Did you know that Miss Cheerilee had the nerve to say that I wasn’t her favorite student?”

“She doesn’t have a favorite student. She always says that.”

“Saying that she didn’t have a favorite is the same as saying that I’m not her favorite. When you’re not with me, you’re against me.”

“That doesn’t mean that you should be so disrespectful to her. This isn’t Twist you’re dealing with or even the Cutie Mark Goofsaders. This is an adult."

"Heh. Hardly."

"Well, she's adult enough to send a note to your father about what you said. If she didn't, I’d be surprised.”

“I’d be more surprised if she did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. If you want to act like Twist’s death is a big joke to you, go ahead. Celestia knows I can’t stop you from doing anything you want to do. But please, Diamond, don’t do it when you’re around me! Your attitude doesn’t reflect my own but most ponies lump us together as being of the same mind so, if only for my sake, watch what you say. I can tell you for a fact that we are definitely not of the same mind on this.” Silver Spoon pointed a hoof at her heart. “I care. I regret. And I hurt... because nopony else cares whether I’m sorry or not... not even Miss Cheerilee.”

Diamond Tiara was silent for a while after Silver Spoon spoke her piece.

“Tell me something: can you hire the best lawyer in Equestria with forgiveness?” asked Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon sighed.

“No.”

“And what about guilt? Do they accept guilt as payment for their services?”

“No.”

“Exactly. That... is why forgiveness and guilt are useless. What matters is that we are on the right side of a set of iron bars. The power of legal tender is the only reason we’re not doing three to five years on the wrong side of those bars and don’t go fooling yourself into thinking otherwise. We’re rich, Silver Spoon. That’s nothing to be ashamed of and it’s not a crime to take advantage of the benefits that come with it. Now, if you want to punish yourself over this, go right ahead. But don’t expect me to go traipsing off to the courthouse with you, asking to be thrown into the hoosegow just so we can have matching clear consciences to go with our nice orange jumpsuits. My conscience isn’t bothering me at all. In fact, it’s ridiculously happy that I’m free – but I can only speak for myself. If you can honestly tell me that you’d feel better sitting in a jail cell paying your debt to society for a crime that I know neither you nor I were responsible for, I’ll go door to door with you and apologize to every pony in Ponyville for Twist’s death. Heck, I’ll even carry you on my back. So? Would you rather be in jail right now?”

Silver Spoon sighed again.

“Let’s not talk about this anymore, all right?” she asked.

“You took the words right out of my mouth,” said Diamond Tiara, folding her forelegs.

Silver Spoon got up from her desk in a huff. The only thing worse than Diamond Tiara gloating when she was right was when she didn't gloat when she was right.

Charity

“Ah, what a glorious day,” said Diamond Tiara as she closed the door to the schoolhouse behind her. “It’s such a pity that we couldn’t spend it cooped up in this musty old schoolhouse. Oh, wait... it’s not.”

“I actually like school,” said Silver Spoon as she walked down the stairs. “It’s way better than being at home when one or both of my parents are home. Speaking of which, are we going back to my place or your place?”

“Either one’s fine with me.”

“My place, then.”

“Sure. What’s there to like about school, anyway? It’s just another means for adults to tell foals what they can and can’t do.” Diamond smirked and closed her eyes as she walked. “I can read and write and do math. What more do I need to know that I can’t learn on my own?”

Diamond Tiara stopped walking. She had inadvertently planted her snout squarely into the bare plot of a gray mare standing in her path.

“How about ‘how to watch where you’re going’?” suggested Silver Spoon, feeling a twinge of jealousy toward the mare.

“BLAUGH! PTUI!” Diamond scrunched her face up as she spat and wiped her face. “WHY ARE YOU JUST STANDING AROUND, YOU...”

The mare turned around to see who was yelling at her. Diamond Tiara recognized her, as did Silver Spoon. It was Derpy Hooves, Ponyville’s infamous accident prone pegasus mailmare.

“What are you looking at?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Or should that be ‘what two things are you looking at’?”

Derpy said nothing. She simply frowned at Diamond Tiara.

“If you’ve got something to say to me, spit it out,” growled Diamond Tiara. “I haven’t got all day.”

Derpy continued to stare at Diamond Tiara disapprovingly. Diamond’s eyes shifted back and forth nervously. There were very few things that unnerved Diamond Tiara. One of them was this mare’s eyes. They were crossed – that much was obvious – but she didn’t know which eye was looking at her and which wasn’t... or if both eyes were looking at her, which made guessing where she should be looking quite a chore. At the time that Iron Will coined the phrase “don’t be shy, look ‘em in the eye,” it was a safe bet that he had never met Derpy. It was disorienting as well as distracting and Diamond Tiara loathed distractions, especially when the ponies causing the distraction didn’t speak back to her. Despite the eerie silent treatment she was receiving, she stood her ground against the mare, refusing to give in by walking around her.

“What do you want, lady?” she asked.

“You want to know what I want?” asked Derpy, breaking her silence at last. “I want to help everypony...” The mare’s expression softened as she hung her head sadly. “...but I’m not very good at it.” She lifted her head and her next words were accompanied by a grin and a hoof pointed in Diamond Tiara’s direction. “You’d be great at helping everypony...” She set her hoof back down and frowned at Diamond Tiara as before. “...but you don’t want to. And you really think I’ve got something to say to you?” Derpy shook her head slowly. “No. I don’t think there’s anypony in the world that I want to talk to less than you.”

Having spoken her mind, Derpy walked away.

“Oh, yeah?” challenged Diamond Tiara. “Well... you’re... uhhh...” She turned to look at Silver Spoon. “Help me out, what do I want to say here?”

“She’s right,” muttered Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara turned to look in Derpy’s direction.

“Yeah! You’re right!” she shouted.

Diamond Tiara blushed and facehoofed as she realized what she had just said.

“Why did you feed me that line?” asked Diamond Tiara. “And how is she right?”

“You can help everypony,” said Silver Spoon, “but you have no desire to do so. Derpy looks at you and sees wasted potential. How do you think that must make her feel?”

“So you’re saying she looks up to me and down on me at the same time? Hee hee hee hee hee!”

“That’s not funny, Di. She’s not like those blank flanks who have no special talents and no clue. Her eyes are like that because she was born that way. She can’t help it. You want to be a politician so you can make yourself very happy. But you could do a lot of great things with that power that would make lots of ponies happy instead, Derpy included.”

“Silver, if being born a certain way excuses you from meeting certain expectations, then I’ve got a first class ticket to Elysium that I didn’t even know I had. I’ll always do what makes me happiest. I can’t help it. I was born that way. I do what I want for one very good reason: the common folk only care for the common folk. They have no sympathy for the wealthy – only jealousy. They’re jealous of us because you and I were born into a life of privilege and they weren’t. If I didn’t have my political career on the horizon, I’d never have to work a day in my life. I’ll never know what it’s like to worry about how I’m going to pay my rent... or if I can afford to have dinner at a nice restaurant if I feel like eating out one night... or when I’ll be able to retire. Common ponies will have to worry about making ends meet until the day that they die whereas I don’t even know what an end looks like. That breeds contempt. They don’t even know the real me and they hate me because they’re envious. They cry foul and say life isn’t fair... but how fair is it of them to judge me just by looking at my bank book? They hate me because I was given what they have to toil in order to earn. They hate me because, legally, there’s nothing else that they can do about their situation. They hate me... and the feeling is most definitely mutual.”

“Have you ever donated to a charity?”

“Ugh! Bite your tongue! It’s bad enough that poor ponies exist at all but to have organizations designed to collect money for them is ridiculous! Asking for hoofouts should be illegal and organizations that do it for them – like it’s SO hard to stand on a street corner – ought to be disbanded.”

“I’m sure that’ll be the first thing you’ll change when you’re mayor,” muttered Silver Spoon sarcastically. “You could even make it the platform for your campaign.”

“Don’t think I haven’t considered it. Why help the poor? It’s not as if they’ll ever become extinct. I’d donate money to a jackalope reservation before I’d give one cent to some pony too unruly to hold a job. Jackalopes are cute and rare, just like me. There’s never a shortage of poor ponies. The problem as I see it is that poor ponies breed regardless of their poverty. How do you bring a foal into the world in good faith when you’re unable to provide for them? Who are these dumb-as-manure mares that let broke loser stallions get them pregnant? And why can’t they accept responsibility for their own future deadbeat bundles of joy instead of making them a financial hardship for me?”

“Di, you wouldn’t know financial hardship if it came up and bit you on the plot.”

“Well, if it ever does, I hope it looks like Rumble. Purr-r-r-r-r-r...” Diamond Tiara smiled mischievously as she indulged in some naughty thoughts. “But seriously, where’s the sense in providing for the stupid? I’m smart. Anypony would agree that being smart is better than being stupid... but do you see anypony giving me food, clothing and medicine? How is asking the smart to help the stupid something that can even remotely be considered to be a step in the right direction? I’m too smart to see it any other way.”

“I think you’re mistaking being needy for being greedy. Your dad must give money away to charity.”

Diamond Tiara gasped.

“You take that back,” she snarled.

“Do you know for a fact that he doesn’t donate to charity?”

“No… but my daddy’s smart.”

“So your views aren’t the same as his?”

“I don’t know. It’s never come up in a conversation.”

“Well, why don’t you ask him about it? Maybe he can explain it to you in a way that you can understand.”

“Don't patronnize me, Silver Spoon. I understand charity just fine. It’s the charities themselves that don’t understand that the work that they do isn’t serving any useful purpose. I don’t see why I should pay good money to keep stupidity alive and well when I’m forced to subject myself to it for free every time I walk out of my home. Case in point: Derpy talking smack to me like she knows me when she doesn’t.” Diamond Tiara saw somepony out of the corner of her eye. “But there’s somepony that I know.”

Silver Spoon watched Diamond Tiara trot after somepony that she also knew: Pinkie Pie. She winced, knowing that Twist was a friend of Pinkie’s. She forced herself to follow Diamond Tiara because if she didn’t, she’d most likely be ordered to follow.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” said Diamond Tiara.

Pinkie didn’t acknowledge her and kept on walking. Diamond Tiara’s pupils narrowed. Had she just been... ignored? She trotted after Pinkie and caught up to her.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” she said again. “Hey, I was wondering if you’d be available for a party that I want to throw. You did such a good job planning my cute-ceanera that I’d like to hire you again to help me celebrate beating my rap in court a few days ago.”

“I’m not speaking to you,” said Pinkie Pie.

“That is so... strange... because it sounds as though you’re speaking to me right now.”

“I’m speaking to you to let you know that I’m not speaking to you.”

“Well, that technically still counts as speaking to me.” Diamond Tiara grinned, pleased with herself. Pinkie frowned. She stopped walking and turned to face the filly.

“It technically counts as speaking to a MEAN MEANIE PANTS!” Pinkie took a look around at the other ponies. A few onlookers returned to what they were doing. “Look, kid...”

“Kid?”

“There are two kinds of ponies I talk to: friends – and strangers who have the potential to be new friends. You’re neither.”

“What are you talking about? We are friends.”

“Wrong. We were friends and now I’ve decided that we aren’t.”

“But you’re the Pinkie Pie! You’re friends with everypony in Ponyville! That’s your thing!”

“Then I have a new thing now. I’m friends with everypony in Ponyville... except you!”

“But why?”

“You know why. You got my friend Twist killed.”

“No, that’s not true. You heard wrong. The judge ruled that it was an accident.”

Pinkie quickly covered her ears.

“Ay, chihuahua! That just about busted my eardrums! Did you have to say ‘I’m sorry!’ so loudly?”

“I didn’t say ‘I’m sorry’.”

“Yeah, I noticed. You didn’t accidentally write a note to Twist in Rumble’s name to lure her to the tracks. And you didn’t accidentally drag a garbage bag full of rotten fruit to the outskirts of town and you didn’t accidentally drop it on top of Twist. When you have an accident, you say that you’re sorry if you’re polite. You did all of those things deliberately. You used the prospect of a first love – a first love! – as bait to humiliate a pony that I loved, a pony with a heart of gold. But according to you and the judge, it was all an ‘accident’ with no malice intended. Pshyeah, right. Go peddle that horse manure to Golden Harvest because I’m not buying any of it. The only accident I see is that I accidentally mistook you for a decent kid, something that won’t happen again. So don’t speak to me because I am not interested in speaking to you. I officially wash my hooves of you.”

Diamond Tiara blinked repeatedly. She looked at the other ponies walking around and she felt very vulnerable being out in the open like this.

“You listen to me, Pinkie Pie. You’re a very prominent pony in this community. I can’t have my party planned by anypony other than the very best party planner in Ponyville. But more important than that, I am not going to sit back and allow you to break up our friendship. It’s an endorsement that carries a lot of weight. Do you know how much harm you’ll do to my image by blacklisting me?”

“Ooh, a guessing game! Ummmm, let’s see. I’m gonna sayyyyyyyy somewhere between the amount of harm you’ve already done to your own image annnnnnnnnnd the amount of harm I’d be doing to my image if I didn’t blacklist you. But I don’t like black so I think I’ll pinklist you instead. So, was I close? Offhoof, I’d say that my guess is somewhere in that ball park.”

Diamond Tiara closed her eyes, shook her head and chuckled nasally.

“Hm hm hm hm hm hm... I don’t even know why I’m standing here arguing with you over something so silly. This conversation never happened. You and I are still friends because that is what I want and in case nopony told you, I’m in the habit of getting what I want.”

“I don’t think you understand how friendship works, Diamond Tiara. Y’know, Nightmare Moon didn’t understand how friendship worked either... and my friends and I defeated her. How many millenia old alicorns have you defeated?”

Diamond Tiara sneered at Pinkie comparing her amazing accomplishments to her own.

“I’m an earth pony!” she growled.

Silver Spoon facehoofed.

“Uh, do you see any wings or horns on me? This isn’t about tribes so put it back in the deck, missy. The magic of friendship is something that everypony has within their heart if they’re open to it so don’t embarrass yourself and your tribe by using that as a crutch. Discord didn’t understand friendship, either... and my friends and I defeated him, too. He’s much better now. How many draconequui have you turned to stone?”

“So you can use some magic. That’s commendable… but it does not make you better than me.”

“Really? Then why does it bother you? Ooh, do you remember Tirek? He didn’t have a clue about the power of friendship and now he’s sitting in a cage in that T-word place after my friends and I defeated him. Do you see where I’m going with all of this? I do not want to be your friend, Diamond Tiara... and if you think you can force me to be your friend, you’re sorely mistaken. We are not friends. Push your luck and you might make an enemy out of me... and I can Pinkie promise you that you do not want to be my enemy. Because the funny thing about my enemies... is that they always lose.”

“Diamond Tiara,” said Silver Spoon, “please, let’s go home.”

“That’s only because you’ve never had me for an enemy before,” said Diamond Tiara, ignoring her friend’s request. “But why go there? If friendship is as important as you say it is, what better way to let bygones be bygones than to teach me its wonders by keeping me as a friend? We can talk all about it while we plan my party. I’d be happy to learn... and I can make it worth your while. Silver and I were just talking about charity. Why not let me be charitable? I’ll be helping my favorite cause: me.”

Pinkie held out her hoof to Diamond Tiara for a hoofbump and smiled.

“Hmm. Well, okay... but only if you’re really super duper sincere about it.”

“Oh, but I am.”

“Then why don’t we bump on it?”

“Gladly. GAAAAAAH!!” Diamond Tiara quickly withdrew her foreleg in fear.

Pinkie giggled and revealed her hoof buzzer to Diamond Tiara.

“You tricked me!” cried Diamond Tiara.

“Oh, poppycock," said Pinkie Pie. "Friends play pranks on each other all the time. It’s all in good fun.”

“Good fun, my plot! I gave you my hoof in friendship and you betrayed my trust!”

“Why so angry, little filly? Daddy didn’t buy you a puppy? Mommy didn’t give you enough hugs?”

Mommy.

Silver Spoon flinched upon hearing that word. Her eyes darted to Diamond Tiara’s face and she found that her friend seemed to have taken the word in stride. She saw a wide, confident grin on her face and came to the conclusion that it wasn’t as sore of a subject for her friend as she imagined.

“Are you reasonably aware of the laws in Ponyville?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“What?” asked Pinkie Pie, raising an eyebrow at the question out of left field.

“It’s not a difficult question. Are you reasonably aware of the laws in Ponyville?”

“Yeah, I guess.”

“Good. Then you know that an adult can’t hit a foal.”

Diamond Tiara swiftly lifted her left hoof and knocked Silver Spoon’s glasses from where they lay on her snout to a spot atop her head.

“What the...?” spat Silver Spoon as she suddenly found the world around her lacking its usual crispness. While Pinkie’s attention was focused on Silver Spoon, Diamond Tiara stood on her hind legs, reared her right foreleg back and swung a vicious haymaker at Pinkie with every ounce of strength she possessed. It connected with Pinkie’s cheek and the party mare saw stars as she staggered to her right, holding her left cheek. She stared at Diamond Tiara, astonished by the blow. Having grown up in a household with three sisters, Pinkie had dished out and taken her share of obligatory foalhood lumps when sibling rivalries overheated. She was a grown mare now – and that was the problem. She knew that Diamond Tiara was right. She could not hit a foal, no matter how much said foal deserved to be repaid in kind for her misbehavior. Dirty looks were fair game, however, and Pinkie gave Diamond Tiara a glare strong enough to unbrown a piece of toast at thirty paces.

“Careful with my glasses, Di!” growled Silver Spoon as she returned her glasses to her snout. Once her vision was restored, she saw Pinkie cradling her cheek with her hoof and she immediately assumed the worst. She looked at Diamond Tiara, hoping to find some evidence to debunk her assumption. The pink filly was preoccupied with breathing a huff of moisture onto her hoof and polishing it against her chest. Silver Spoon’s stomach churned as she prepared herself to discover the truth. “Di? What... just... happened?”

“What did you see happen?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“I didn’t see anything.”

“You might need a new prescription, then. When’s the last time you got your eyes checked? That frame is barely staying on your face.”

Silver Spoon groaned and facehoofed, wondering if she should start wearing horseshoes to prevent her hoof from taking on the contours of her face from the incalculable number of times she had performed this act due to Diamond Tiara’s callousness.

Oh, Di, you just hit the spirit of laughter in the face, she thought. One of these days, you’re gonna push the wrong pony too far and... actually, you did push Twist too far but if she didn’t teach you a lesson, I’d hate to see what would.

“Go ahead and pinklist me, Pinkie Pie,” said Diamond Tiara, “but I’m gonna remember this. And then someday – it might be tomorrow, next year or maybe even twenty years down the road – you’re gonna come to me and ask me for a favor... and when that day comes, I am gonna remind you of this day and laugh in your face before telling you to take a hike. You’re on my manure list now. Enjoy your stay. It’s not a safe place to be. Just ask Twist. Let me give you a little advice: try to stay near the bottom of the list. You’ll find that there are fewer trains down there.”

Pinkie cracked a smile and started to laugh.

“What are you laughing about?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I’m laughing because I’m gonna remember this day, too... ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! And because you won’t be a filly forever! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Diamond turned and walked away, leaving Pinkie to her laughter.

Pinkie turned around to walk away when she felt her tail being pulled. She turned around to see that Silver Spoon was trying to get her attention. Tears streamed down the gray filly’s face and she let go of Pinkie’s tail to speak.

“Diamond Tiara might not be sorry, Pinkie Pie,” said Silver Spoon. “But I am. I really am. I wish I’d never... I mean... I regret what I did and it’s eating me up inside. Can you forgive me? Please don’t pinklist me, too. Please say that you and I can still be friends. Please?”

Pinkie shifted her jaw from side to side as she examined Silver Spoon’s face.

“Did everything happen exactly as the paper said?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“You know what, Silver Spoon? I believe you. You sound sincere. And I’ll forgive you... eventually. The wounds are still too fresh but if you just give me some time... I’ll come around.”

Silver Spoon’s face lit up.

“You will? Oh, thank you, Pinkie!” Having Pinkie’s forgiveness was such a relief that she began to bounce up and down but then quickly stopped once she realized that she should be a little less exuberant and a lot more solemn. “I mean... thank you, Pinkie.”

“Don’t thank me. Thank Twist. She would want me to give somepony who’s truly sorry a second chance. I used to think that you were just like your friend. But now I can tell that you’re very different. I believe you’ve learned a lesson... but my forgiveness alone won’t wipe your slate clean. You’ve got to know that a lot of ponies around here may never forgive you, right?”

“Yes. And I know that I’ll get a lot of spillover hatred because I’m still friends with Diamond Tiara. Oh, I know that she’s impossible to deal with most of the time... and I’m sorry for how she treated you... but she means everything to me, Pinkie. I’d move Elysium and earth for her if she asked me to.”

“Then you need to go be by her side. Run along now.”

“Really? But didn’t you just say...”

“I might not be her friend anymore but even a mean meanie pants pony like her needs at least one good friend. You might be the only one in Ponyville who wants that job. Save her from herself if you can. You may not succeed but try anyway. Your friendship is going to be tested like never before, Silver Spoon. Just do the right thing from now on and you’ll do okay for yourself.”

“Thank you, I will. And Pinkie Pie? You won’t really hurt Diamond Tiara when she gets older, will you?”

“No. But if she doesn’t clean up her act soon, somepony else won’t wait for her to get older.”

Visionary

The Cutie Mark Crusaders had returned to their clubhouse and since they found that they now had some time on their hooves due to their walkout, they decided to spend it constructively by tidying up the place. Apple Bloom was busy washing the windows while Sweetie Belle dusted and Scootaloo swept.

“What’s the matter, Scootaloo?” asked Sweetie Belle. “You look like you’re in a bad mood.”

“I don’t feel like our walkout made as much of an impact as I thought it would,” said Scootaloo after putting her broom aside. “Silver Spoon looked a little shaken by it but Diamond Tiara blew it off like it was dumb... and she’s sort of right.”

“She might feel that way now,” said Apple Bloom, putting her washcloth down for a moment, “but once Dinky talks ta the reporter fer the Ponyville Express an’ the story gets printed in tomorrow’s paper, ah think Diamond Tiara’ll feel a little differently about it than she does now. When everypony reads about it, maybe they’ll follow our example an’ boycott Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. There ain’t nothin’ ah’d like ta watch more than Diamond Tiara squirmin’ when her daddy lays down the law.” Apple Bloom smirked and rubber her hooves together with anticipation.

“Why Dinky?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Huh?”

“You said you sent Dinky. Why her?”

“Why not her? I reckon she gets why we walked out as much as any o’ us. Plus she’s cute so the reporter’ll listen ta her.”

“You think Dinky’s cute?”

“Sure. Why? Don’t you?”

“I guess but...”

“But what?”

Sweetie Belle put her duster down.

“Do you think Dinky’s cuter than me?” she asked.

Apple Bloom shrugged.

“Ah dunno. She’s cute enough ta charm the reporter; that’s all that matters.”

“But wouldn’t it have made sense to have sent the cutest filly to make super duper sure that the reporter was super charmed? You should have picked me. Why didn’t you pick me? Am I not as cute as she is?”

"Uhhh, you're about... the same?"

"About the same? That's all?"

“Sweetie Belle, what’s gotten into you?” asked Scootaloo. “It’s just a news story.”

“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom. “You’re just as cute as any other filly in class.”

“Just as cute?” asked Sweetie Belle. “You mean I’m not cuter than anypony else in class?”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes.

“Oh, fer the luv o’...” Apple Bloom sighed. “Yes, you’re cuter than Dinky. As a matter of fact, you’re the cutest filly in all of Ponyville.”

“Ap-ple Bloooom, you’re just saying thaaaaaat,” whined Sweetie Belle and averted her eyes. She returned her attention to Apple Bloom with a grin. “But say it again.”

“No,” shot back Apple Bloom. “Now why d’you care who ah think is cute?”

“Oh, I’ll bet I know why,” said Scootaloo with a grin as she nudged Apple Bloom with her elbow. “SB’s got a good thing going with Button Mash and she’s paranoid that she’s gonna lose him to a filly who’s cuter than she is.”

“Concerned is the word I would have used,” noted Sweetie Belle as she averted her eyes, “but, yeah, that’s more or less it.” Sweetie Belle fidgeted and wrung her forehooves nervously. “I’ve been thinking about wearing makeup to school to enhance my best features but my mom said I can’t wear any until I’m older... but by then, it could be too late."

“Well, don’t be paranoid or concerned about it,” said Apple Bloom. “Ah think you’re way ahead o’ me in the cute department.” She looked over at Scootaloo and, after waiting a few seconds, gave her a sharp nudge.

“O-Oh, yeah, me too,” said Scootaloo. “You totally outcute me... a-and Dinky’s got nothing on you, either.”

“Awww, do you mean it?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Ab-so-tively,” said Apple Bloom. “So don’t sweat it. Bein’ yerself is what gotcha this far with Button so just keep it up an’ you’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” said Scootaloo, “and if Button does dump you, chances are that it won’t be on account of your looks.”

“WHAT’S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!?” squeaked a panicked Sweetie Belle as she shoved her nose against Scootaloo’s.

“N-Nothing!” spat Scootaloo as she recoiled in fear at the sight of Sweetie Belle’s wild eyes. “I-I-I was just-”

There was a knock on the door and since Sweetie Belle happened to be the pony closest to the door, she was the one who walked over and opened it. The pony at the door was Dinky, back from her journey to the offices of the Ponyville Express. In the fraction of a second it took their eyes to meet, Sweetie Belle sized up the pale lavender filly and she had to admit that Dinky did have a certain amount of cuteness against which she was unsure how her own cuteness measured up. If Button fell for one unicorn, why not another? Could Button have eyes for Dinky or vice versa? Whether or not this was the case, she was unwilling to leave it to chance.

“Hi, Sweetie Belle,” said Dinky.

“Hi, Dinky,” said Sweetie Belle rapidly, “Did you know that I’m dating Button Mash? Well, I am. He and I are pretty serious so in case you were interested in him, you should know that he’s off limits.”

“Huh?” asked Dinky as she tilted her head, completely confused by this out-of-left-field greeting. Sweetie Belle yelped as she was whisked back inside from the doorway by the tail by Scootaloo, thus allowing Apple Bloom to take her place in the doorway.

“Would you give it a rest?” barked Apple Bloom back at Sweetie Belle. Apple Bloom turned her attention to the perplexed Dinky and smiled politely. “Sorry about that, Dinky. Sweetie Belle’s sufferin’ from a mild inferiority complex.”

“Am not!” protested Sweetie Belle from inside.

“Hush!” Apple Bloom swung the door open slowly and stepped backward to allow Dinky to enter. “So tell us how it went.”

“Awful!” said Dinky, walking into the clubhouse and shutting the door behind her. “I did exactly as you asked but no one at the paper wanted to take my story.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders’ jaws dropped.

“What?” spat Apple Bloom. “Why not?”

“Toldja you should have sent me,” remarked Sweetie Belle under her breath.

“Nopony would tell me,” said Dinky as she reached into her saddlebag and produce a newspaper. “The stallion at the front desk just gave me this free copy of today’s Ponyville Express and told me to have a nice day.”

Apple Bloom took the newspaper, set it on the floor and looked at the front page. She groaned and facehoofed.

“What’s wrong?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Take a look at the front page story,” said Apple Bloom. “That’s what’s wrong.”

Sweetie Belle walked over to where the paper lay on the floor. When she read the headline, she furrowed her brow and hung her head.

“Somepony has got to have it in for us,” grumbled Sweetie Belle as she lay on the floor and rested her chin atop her crossed forelegs. “That’s the only thing that can explain the consistent bad luck we have.”

“What does it say?” asked Scootaloo.

“Filthy Rich Buys Ponyville Express,” read Apple Bloom.

“Ooooooh... horse apples!” cried Scootaloo as she scowled and scraped her right hind hoof against the floor disgustedly. “We might as well have stayed in school and never bothered with the crummy walkout.”

“What’s so bad about him buying a copy of the newspaper?” asked Dinky. “And how is it worthy of being a front page story?”

“Not one copy, Dinky,” said Scootaloo. “He bought the entire news publication! Now he controls what gets put in the paper and what doesn’t.”

“Meanin’ any negative story about Diamond Tiara’ll never get printed,” added Apple Bloom. “Up to and includin’ our walkout story.”

“Swell,” grumbled Scootaloo. “Now what do we do?”

“We can write the story ourselves and submit it to The Foal Free Press,” said Sweetie Belle. “It hasn’t had the same readership as the Ponyville Express since we quit the Gabby Gums column but it’ll have to do.”

“You guys aren’t gonna like this,” said Dinky, “but I ran into Featherweight earlier and he told me that we can’t do that.”

“Why not?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Miss Cheerilee told him that he can’t print any story involving Diamond Tiara or the train accident.”

“That doesn’t make sense!” cried Sweetie Belle. “Why would Miss Cheerilee be on Diamond Tiara’s side?”

“He said that her bosses told her to inform the editor-in-chief that no stories involving Diamond Tiara or Twist’s accident can be printed in The Foal Free Press. She says that she could get in big trouble if he printed anything about the accident and the paper could even be shut down for good. He’s not happy about it but he’s afraid of quitting in case Diamond Tiara wants to be editor-in-chief again.”

“The two papers we have in this town – and they’re both off limits!” growled Scootaloo.

“And with his hooves tied, poor Featherweight’s keepin’ a thankless job ta keep somepony else off the throne.”

“I feel so... ineffectual,” asked Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom sighed dejectedly and sat upright on the floor with her elbows on her knees and resting her chin on her forehooves.

“Well...” she mumbled, “Does anypony want ta help me make some flyers so we can stick ‘em up around town?” she asked.

“Why bother?” asked Scootaloo. “We can’t win! Diamond Tiara probably has somepony in her pocket at the stationery store to stop us from buying the paper we need to make the flyers!”

“Did I hear somepony say ‘flier’?” said a familiar voice coming from the window.

“Rainbow Dash!” exclaimed Scootaloo with a smile. “Hi! Dinky? Could you please get the door for her?” Dinky nodded and opened the door. Once Rainbow Dash entered, she flew inside, approached Scootaloo and opened her forelegs for a hug. Smiling, Scootaloo obliged her gladly, wrapping her forelegs around Rainbow Dash’s torso.

“Sorry for interrupting your Crusader meeting, guys,” said Rainbow to Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Dinky, “but I was wondering if I could borrow The Scootinator here for a little while.”

“We get to hang? Cool!” said Scootaloo as she looked up at Rainbow Dash and then turned to face the others. “Is it okay if I take off now, guys?”

"Pretty please with oats on top?" asked Rainbow Dash.

“Well, we were kinda brainstormin’,” said Apple Bloom, “buuuut since we weren’t really gettin’ anywhere, ah guess we can spare her.”

“Sweet,” said Rainbow. “I’ll have her back before you know it.”

Rainbow Dash soared through the late morning sky with Scootaloo on her back, hanging on tightly. After a few minutes of searching for a cloud that looked roomy enough for frolicking, she found one. She landed on it and let Scootaloo climb off her back.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at work busting clouds?” asked Scootaloo.

“Got finished early,” replied Rainbow Dash. “How’d the walkout go?”

“Don’t ask. No matter what we do, nothing ever seems to go our way.”

“That is bad news... but I have some good news.”

“I could use some. What is it?”

Rainbow inhaled and exhaled purposefully.

“Scoots, I’ve been doing some thinking and... oh my gosh, I’m so excited that I’m just gonna come right out and say it – I’ve decided to adopt you!”

Scootaloo’s jaw dropped. It had been doing a lot of that lately.

“Adopt... me?” asked Scootaloo.

“Yes! Well, not right this second – not that I wouldn’t want to – but really soon! There’s still some paperwork for us to finalize and all that jazz but, apart from that, it’s in the bag! Isn’t this great?”

Scootaloo ground her teeth as she prepared her answer.

“Rainbow Dash... I don’t want you to adopt me.”

Rainbow’s heart sank.

“Oh... really? Well, I’ve gotta say... I wasn’t expecting that. It’s probably no surprise that my first question is: why not? Don’t you want to upgrade your honorary big sister to an honorary mom?”

Scootaloo averted her eyes and rubbed her right foreleg with her left foreleg.

“It’s not that. It’s just that... well, I’ve dreamed of having parents since I was old enough to know what being an orphan was. That’s a long time. How long have you dreamed of adopting a foal? A little after Twist died?”

“Uhhh.... somewhere around there.”

“Exactly. And how long have you dreamed of becoming a Wonderbolt?”

“Since... forever?”

“Right. I know how much your dream means to you, Rainbow Dash. Everypony knows you’ve got what it takes to join them some day. How many Wonderbolts were parents before they graduated from the academy and were promoted as new recruits?”

Rainbow Dash boasted the most complete collection of Wonderbolts trading cards in all of Equestria – she even had all of the convention exclusive foil chase cards – so this was an easy question to answer.

“None,” admitted Rainbow Dash, followed by a sigh. “Every last one of them were both single and childless. It’s not against the rules but... none of them.”

“I might be wrong about this but I think the reason why is that it takes just as much dedication and focus to become a top notch flier as it does to be a top notch mom. Adding a responsibility to your plate like looking after a foal is just gonna distract you from making your dream come true. You represent the spirit of loyalty. Don’t you have to be loyal to yourself before you can be loyal to others?”

Rainbow nodded, conceding to Scootaloo's point.

“I’m thinking that I didn’t give this as much thought as I thought.”

“Ya think?”

The pegasi shared a laugh.

“I love you, Rainbow Dash... wow, it still feels so awesome to be able to say that out loud... and I appreciate that you love me and think highly enough of me to want to adopt me... but I don’t want to be adopted as an afterthought. And I definitely don’t want to be the reason that you don’t get into the Wonderbolts. Letting you sacrifice your dream to fulfill mine would just be selfish of me. And giving me a fraction of your love and attention while still following your own dream would be selfish of you. Don’t worry about me. The time that you spend with me as my honorary big sister is good enough for me. It’s more than I could have ever dreamed of having. Buuuut... if it would ease the sting of my rejection, we could pretend that I’m your daughter.”

“Say what now?”

“Yeah. See, clinical studies have shown that the best way to do that would be for you to provide me with a weekly allowance. It’ll really add to the authenticity, y’know?”

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow.

“‘Clinical studies’, hmm?” she asked.

“Yeah. It was published in the Equestrian Journal of Foal Psychology just last month.”

“You read medical journals?”

“Yup. Sure do. They recommend fifty bits a week so I’m cool with that figure if you are. We wouldn’t want to go against the results of clinical studies, would we?” Scootaloo closed her eyes, smiled and held out her hoof underside up to accept her allowance money.

“Fifty bits a week?” asked Rainbow Dash. “That’s highway robbery! When I was your age, I was lucky if my mom gave me forty!”

“Hey, can I help it if my pretend mom is twenty percent cooler than your actual mom was?”

Rainbow Dash smirked.

“C’mere, you,” she said. “You’re gonna get a new mother – the mother of all noogies!” Rainbow grabbed Scootaloo in a headlock and growled as she gave her a playful noogie. Scootaloo giggled and squealed as she wriggled to escape from Rainbow Dash’s grasp.

“Ahhhhhhahahaha! Where’s child protective services when you need theeeem?”

Rainbow Dash released Scootaloo and sat down. She smiled at the filly in front of her and they shared a bittersweet smile at what could have been.

“Hey, squirt?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah?” asked Scootaloo.

“We’re cool, right?”

“As a cucumber. Why?”

“Well, then... if it’s not too insensitive a question... what’s it like growing up not having a mom and dad?”

Scootaloo nodded once as she drew her lips between her teeth and bit them gently.

“I was asked that same question by Sweetie Belle,” she said. “I’ve always told her that it’s not so bad and left it at that. I’ve never told her the truth because I don’t want anypony’s pity. Apple Bloom knows what it’s like not having a mom and dad but she’s got other family members so she has a slightly different outlook than mine. Now that you and I have had our little talk, I’ll give you the real answer.” Scootaloo sighed and looked at the floor. “In the early years, it was hard. Really hard. You want your heart to be made of stone because your feelings get hurt so easily... and you want to be mad at the world for not giving you parents who want to love you. But you accept it, count your blessings and move on. That’s all we can do. There are counselors at the orphanage around the clock who we can talk to whenever we’re feeling down. We even get special visits from successful grownups who were orphans themselves. They talk to us about how they dealt with growing up without parents. Did you know that Mayor Mare was an orphan, too?”

“Mayor Mare? Really?”

“Yeah. She said that if you don’t reach a point of acceptance, the bitterness and resentment can eat away at you. When she was a foal, she was so bitter that she used to pick on Miss Cheerilee when they were fillies.”

“Our mayor used to be a bully? And she picked on Cheerilee? That’s unbelievable! See, this is exactly the kind of cool stuff I missed out on by not going to school in Ponyville.”

“Mayor Mare and Miss Cheerilee are best friends now but back then, Mayor Mare was a hard filly to be around. She was angry all the time but now she can share stories like that with us because she made a decision to be a better pony and make peace. You can let your situation make you cynical and unpleasant to be around or you can be grateful for what you’ve been given and maintain a positive attitude. It sure would be nice to simply have a positive attitude as a default setting like Sweetie Belle or Pinkie Pie instead of always having to work at maintaining a positive attitude. Mayor Mare’s been down that bitter road so she makes a point of visiting the orphanage almost every week to share her experiences. I choose not to let my negative feelings define me... but all I’m really doing is turning a blind eye to them. I like the ponies that work at the orphanage and I care about them a lot but I can’t really love them like family. They get a paycheck for being there. To them, the responsibility of looking after me is their business. To a parent, the responsibility of looking after me would be a pleasure. That’s the kind of mom or dad I want.”

Rainbow smiled at her honorary little sister.

“Wow,” said Rainbow.

“What is it?” asked Scootaloo.

“I never realized just how mature you were. It makes me a little sad knowing that you grew up a little faster than Apple Bloom or Sweetie Belle had to.”

“Faster than you know. Guess which out of the three of us kissed a boy last year?” Scootaloo raised and dropped her eyebrows a few times.

Rainbow Dash smiled a toothy smile and held her forehooves against her face.

"Girl, you are gonna spill... and don't you dare leave out a single detail!"

Pinkie Pie sat patiently in her forensic scientist unicorn friend Petri Dish's office at the Ponyville police station. There were so many knick-knacks and doodads placed here and there that she would have loved to touch but she had been warned before about messing with the lab equipment. Petri was busy examining documents from file folders and checking things off of clipboards.

“Thanks for waiting Pinkie," said Petri. "Would you mind if I drew some blood before I start?”

“Not at all,” said Pinkie. “Here, you can use this.” Pinkie performed a little sleight of hoof and produced a red crayon seemingly from Petri Dish’s left ear. She hoofed it to him with a grin. “Need some paper?”

Petri smirked.

“I’ve always appreciated your sense of humor, Pinkie," he said, "but I take my work seriously.”

“I know," said Pinkie with a grimace. "That was more for me. I never was a fan of needles. Is there any way we could skip it?”

“Well, all right... but only if you answer a few questions for me.”

“Questions I can do. Fire away.”

“You said that this hoofkerchief was given to you by your friend Rarity to catch blood that you shed from an undisclosed injury. Do I have that right?”

“Yes.”

“Was it soiled with another pony’s blood?”

“Ew. No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive. I would have noticed.”

“Was the hoofkerchief clean?”

“Absolutely. Rarity’s hoofkerchiefs are probably cleaner than this lab.”

“Other than when you gave it to me, did this hoofkerchief leave your possession at any time? Is it possible that somepony else might have taken it without your knowledge and replaced it with a different one?”

“No and no. Pete, what’s going on? Did you find something weird in there?”

“Quite. Pinkie, the blood on this hoofkerchief you gave me isn’t a match for your blood type. Your blood type is K. This hoofkerchief is stained with type T blood. Now, unless you’ve switched blood types – something which the medical community agrees is biologically impossible – I’d be very interested to learn how this blood could have come from your body. Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Pinkie began to shiver uncontrollably. Her pupils narrowed and she let out a sustained squeal that sounded like a tea kettle that had reached its boiling point.

She figured out what had happened.

And she was freaking out because of it.

Her blood type was K.

The blood on Rarity’s hoofkerchief was type T.

It wasn’t a match but it came from her eyes. It wasn’t even a match for Rarity whose blood type was Q.

However, it was a match for one very relevant pony that she knew with type T blood.

Twist.

Pinkie started to hyperventilate as terror unlike any she had ever known crushed her soul like a glacier traveling over a frog. Petri Dish called out to her and asked her if she was all right but she couldn’t answer him. Her heart, lungs and stomach were working overtime. He took the initiative and ran to fetch a sedative for her. Pinkie saw spots before her eyes and before long, there was a purple filter that had taken over her vision. She was both burning up and freezing cold. She wanted to pass out, scream and vomit, all at the same time. Any of these would have brought her some much needed minor relief but her body couldn’t decide on one of them and so they did none. Apart from how scared she was, only one other thought occupied her mind.

On the night of the accident, she had shed Twist’s blood from her tear ducts – moments after she died.

And no amount of giggling at this ghostly phenomenon was going to make it go away.

Author's Note

My apologies to any actual orphans I may have offended by my depiction of Scootaloo. I have no idea how the system works and I'm merely making assumptions on how it would feel.

Sorry for the interim chapter. To everypony who's been here since the beginning, manure gets real next chapter.

Oophorectomy

Silver Spoon started her morning walk to the schoolhouse by filling her lungs with a deep draught of fresh country air and then releasing it with a contented sigh followed by a grin. She recalled her most recent trip to Manehattan with Diamond Tiara and Filthy Rich and while she enjoyed that town’s unique metropolitan flair, it was an industrious city with scores of factories that had tall and ominous chimney stacks that constantly pumped billows of nasty black smoke into the sky, tarnishing the air quality considerably.

Keep the city that never sleeps, she thought. I’ll take my sleepy little Ponyville any day of the week.

She felt odd walking straight to school from her home rather than picking up Diamond Tiara at her house and then walking to school together – but that would be what she would have to do this morning if she wanted to be punctual. Last night, Diamond Tiara told her that she would be unable to walk to school with her at their usual time because she would be too busy looking for something important that she had stashed away somewhere and had misplaced. Diamond Tiara didn’t say what the item was. Silver Spoon hoped that it was a surprise gift for her. She then proceeded to lose herself in a delightful daydream about her gift being an engagement ring followed by a proposal and she smiled as she accelerated to a frisky trot.

After passing a pair of oak trees on either side of the road, Silver Spoon’s ears rotated as they picked up the sound of hoofsteps behind her. Ponyville’s high rent district didn’t have many families with foals which, without Diamond Tiara to talk to, made for a bland and irritatingly silent commute until reaching the center of town where foal traffic was more arterial. Slowing to a walk, she looked over her shoulder and saw The Cutie Mark Crusaders walking up the path in the same direction. They were outfitted with their saddlebags just as she was and were presumably heading to the schoolhouse but they were traveling through an area of Ponyville that was completely out of their way in relation to where they lived. Slowly but surely, they caught up to Silver Spoon and then matched her pace, walking on either side of her as well as behind her. She had no reason to be afraid of the goody-two-horseshoes Crusaders but she certainly preferred having Diamond Tiara by her side when they were around.

Were they waiting for me behind those trees? she wondered. What the Tartaros do they want? I’m just going to ignore them.

Facing forward once again, she kept her eyes straight ahead, focused on the task of walking, and said nothing. The road on which they trod was a public thoroughfare. As long as they weren’t impeding her forward motion, she had no need to address them.

“Hey, Scootaloo,” said Apple Bloom who was on Silver Spoon’s left, “have you ever read any o’ Aeclop’s fables?”

“Aren’t those the stories with the talking animals?” asked Scootaloo who was on Silver Spoon’s left. “And a moral at the end?”

“That’s them.”

“Yeah, I read a book of those once.”

“D’you remember the one called The Scorpion an’ the Frog?”

Silver Spoon was familiar with Aeclop and that particular fable. She was also familiar with the flow of a casual conversation – and the stiff way that Apple Bloom and Scootaloo were speaking to one another led her to believe that this dialogue of theirs was rehearsed and intended for her ears.

“I’m not sure,” said Scootaloo. “Refresh my memory. How does it go?”

“A scorpion asks a frog if he’d let ‘im ride on his back across a river and bring him ta the other side. The frog wouldn’t do it, sayin’ that the scorpion would sting ‘im durin’ the ride and he’d die. The scorpion said ‘if ah stung ya while ah was on yer back, ah’d sink an’ drown with ya, wouldn’t ah?’ The frog saw the scorpion’s logic an’ he let ‘im ride on his back. Well, the frog swims about halfway across the river and wouldn’tcha know it, the scorpion up an’ stings the frog fer no good reason. ‘What’d ya do that for?” asked the frog. ‘Now we’ll both drown!’. The scorpion says, ‘Ah know... but ah’m a scorpion... an’ it’s just in mah nature ta sting.’”

“What a cool story. A little morbid but still cool. I think I can see the moral to be learned from it but just in case I got it wrong, why don’t you tell us what it is?”

“The moral o’ the story is that some ponies’re just evil by nature an’ there ain’t no point in expectin’ them ta go against their nature.”

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and turned her nose up.

“Hmph! I don’t care if you blank flanks think I’m evil,” she said. “And I’m not asking you to carry me across any rivers so as long as you keep your distance, none of us have to worry about drowning. Come to think of it, maybe swimming is your special talent. Why don’t all three of you take a long walk off a short pier and find out?”

“You’ve got us all wrong, Silver Spoon,” said Sweetie Belle, who was walking behind her. “We don’t think you’re the scorpion. We think you’re the frog.”

Silver Spoon’s eyes reopened. She raised an eyebrow at Sweetie Belle’s correction.

“The frog?” asked Silver Spoon, turning her head to look at Sweetie Belle.

“Guess who the scorpion is,” said Scootaloo.

Silver Spoon didn’t have to guess. She turned her head to face Scootaloo and smirked wickedly as she devised a clever comeback.

“No idea,” said Silver Spoon, “but I think I know who the chicken is.”

Scootaloo frowned. She ran a few paces ahead, stopped in front of Silver Spoon, and shoved her nose into the gray filly’s face, bringing everypony to a halt.

“STOP CALLING ME A CHICKEN!” yelled Scootaloo angrily, looking straight into the bully’s eyes.

“MAKE ME!” dared Silver Spoon as she sneered and pushed Scootaloo back.

The fillies stared each other down for a good five seconds until Scootaloo backed away from Silver Spoon, her face the picture of coolness.

“Why should I?" asked Scootaloo. "So you can tell on me and get me into trouble? No thank you. You’re so not worth it.”

Silver Spoon smirked and chuckled nasally.

“This is exactly why Diamond Tiara and I pick on you three,” she said. “When it comes to fighting back, you just don’t have the guts.”

“Twist had guts,” said Sweetie Belle.

Silver Spoon’s eyes grew wide. She should have been prepared to hear Twist’s name used against her. She wasn’t. Her ears drooped and she hung her head as the visuals of her encounter with Twist played out in her head once again. She staggered off the road and lay on the grass. She turned her head away from the Cutie Mark Crusaders and rested it on her crossed forelegs.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked down at their humbled classmate.

“Well, ah got what ah came here for,” said Apple Bloom.

“Me, too,” said Scootaloo. “Let’s go, Apple Bloom. Are you sure you can handle her by yourself, Sweetie Belle?”

“I’m sure,” said Sweetie Belle. “I’ll catch up with you guys later.”

“Race ya!” said Scootaloo to Apple Bloom as she took off galloping.

“That’s a nice head start ya gave yerself,” declared Apple Bloom with a determined smirk. “Too bad it won’t help ya win!” She galloped after Scootaloo and in moments, both fillies had disappeared from sight.

Sweetie Belle walked over to where Silver Spoon was and lay on the grass in front of her.

“How do you feel about what you did to Twist?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“What do you care?” asked Silver Spoon, choosing not to bother lifting her head to look at Sweetie Belle. “Nopony else wants to hear about how I feel about it so why should you?”

“Try me.”

Silver Spoon lifted her head. The highlights in her tear-glossed eyes jiggled back and forth as she looked into Sweetie Belle’s face. She saw sincerity and compassion in the unicorn’s green eyes, two commodities that had become increasingly harder for her to come by.

“You’d... really want to... listen to what I have to say?”

“Sure. But make it fast. I hate being late for class.”

Silver Spoon wrinkled her nose.

“If this is some kind of trick...” she said.

“It’s not. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo aren’t interested in hearing what you have to say. Me? Well, let’s just say that I’ve caused my share of accidents so I know how it goes. Just tell me how you honestly feel. I promise to take you seriously.”

Silver Spoon had reservations about opening up about her feelings with anypony other than Diamond Tiara; her parents were largely responsible for those reservations. However, Diamond Tiara had grown tired of listening to Silver Spoon rehash the same old story about how guilty she felt about Twist and she made it clear to her that she didn’t want to hear any more of her bellyaching. It had reached the point where even Silver Spoon believed that it was nothing more than bellyaching. Keeping her feelings to herself turned out to be highly unsatisfying and now that Silver Spoon was being offered a chance to speak her mind, it was as though a ray of sunshine was being shed on her darkened heart. And her heart yearned for the warmth of that sun badly enough to place her trust in an old enemy. With quivering lips and watery eyes, she swallowed her pride and decided to take one last plunge into the waters of trust.

“I feel awful about what happened,” she whimpered. “I can’t get it out of my head, no matter how hard I try. It’s like a scar that I can see every time that I look at myself in the mirror. The sound of her crying... The screech of the train’s brakes... Like, every time I’m reminded of the accident, I get so depressed. I didn’t want to help Diamond Tiara drop the bag on her. I mean, yeah, sure, I’ve done worse than cover somepony with garbage but it was different this time. She was only there because she thought Rumble was in love with her. I had a chance to stop it from happening and I didn’t take it. I’m so mad at myself for that and I don’t know what to do about it.”

“So you regret it?”

“Yes, I regret it! I’m sick with regret. I’ve never regretted anything so much in my entire life. We never meant to get Twist killed... but nopony seems to care about our side.”

“That’s because your parents hired a sleazy lawyer that no ten ponies in central Ponyville would have been able to afford and you got away with mischief for the millionth time.”

“Our parents didn’t want us to go to jail any more than we did. Any parent would do whatever it took to protect their foals.”

“I understand that – but you and Diamond Tiara almost never have to face the music for the stuff you pull and even when somepony died from your mean pranks, you still didn’t get punished. It’s left some of us not-rich ponies feeling like there isn’t any justice around here. That’s why you’re having a tough time finding sympathy in this town... and that’s why we staged that walkout.”

Silver Spoon rested her chin on her forelegs, pouted, and closed her eyes.

“But,” added Sweetie Belle, “after the walkout, I suspected that you had something that Diamond Tiara doesn’t – a conscience. And today, I’ve confirmed that you do. It’s not a squeaky clean, award winning conscience but it is there so I can at least respect that about you. And it’s because you have one that I decided to talk to Apple Bloom and Scootaloo about helping me give you this warning.”

“What warning?”

Sweetie Belle leaned in and looked deep into Silver Spoon’s eyes. Silver Spoon cast her eyes downward, feeling unworthy of having her soul peered into by somepony without a black mark on theirs.

“We think you’re the frog, Silver Spoon,” said Sweetie Belle, “but you don’t have to share its fate.” She slowly poked Silver Spoon in the chest with her right forehoof, once for each of her next three words. “Ditch. The. Scorpion – now. Or one day, you’ll get stung... and I don’t want to see anypony drown, not even a bully like you. If you ditch her, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom might be willing to change their opinion of you. And then maybe, just maybe, we’d be willing to think about considering the possibility of talking about... becoming friends.”

Silver Spoon’s heart felt a flicker of warmth. Somepony was showing her something that could pass for forgiveness.

“Thank you,” said Silver Spoon softly as she looked up at Sweetie Belle with a sheepish grin. “I know I can be mean... but I’m not so mean that I can’t see when somepony is trying to do something nice for me... so from one non-friend to another, thank you for listening to me. I appreciate it. And thank you for offering me your friendship – especially since I haven’t done anything to deserve it.” She raised her glasses and rubbed her eyes dry before setting them back on her snout. “But I can’t accept it. Your asking price is way too high. There is no Silver Spoon without Diamond Tiara. I know you don’t like her but you guys don’t know her the way I do – and you probably never will since she doesn’t like you guys, either. She’s special. I’m only special when we’re together. Without my best friend, I’m nothing at all; not even a slimy frog. Ditching her would be going against my nature. So I’m okay with being with a scorpion. And if she does sting me, well, at least we’ll drown together.”

“Geez, if you love her so much, why don’t you marry her?” teased Sweetie Belle, giggling a bit.

Silver Spoon grinned. She was no good at lying to an authority figure when confronted with a direct yes or no question but with a blank flank her own age who she wanted to tease, she could put on a performance – one that would amuse her as well as keep her orientation a secret.

“Because I’ve got my heart set on Button Mash,” she said as she rose from the ground and trotted off to school with her nose held high, leaving Sweetie Belle alone on the grass. A look of horror overtook Sweetie Belle’s face as she processed Silver Spoon’s words.

“What did you say?” squeaked Sweetie Belle as she scrambled to her hooves.

“He’s just so cute that I think I’ll steal a kiss from him when I get in.”

Sweetie Belle ran after Silver Spoon and maintained a trot to keep up with her.

“Y-You can’t do that!” stammered Sweetie Belle. “He’s my coltfriend!”

“Not for long.”

“Y-You stay away from him!” Sweetie Belle ran ahead of Silver Spoon and jumped across her path back and forth repeatedly to grab her attention. “Do you hear me?”

“Nope, I don’t hear a word you’re saying.”

“Then how did you know I was asking you a question?”

“I’m kiss-ing But-ton, I’m kiss-ing But-ton, ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhhh...”

“That’s not funny, Silver Spoon!”

“I used to wonder what a Prench kiss could be...”

“Quit it!”

“I think I’ll even buy him that new Pony Sleighstation as a token of my affection.”

“Don’t you dare!”

The time on the clock which hung on the Ponyville schoolhouse wall was 7:54 AM and everypony but Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon and Sweetie Belle were seated at their desks. The only desks that were derelict due to their previous occupants no longer attending school were Rumble’s and Twist’s. A wreath with a photo of Twist hanging in the center was placed upright in the seat of Twist’s old desk. Everypony who entered the classroom gave their condolences to Cheerilee and said that the wreath was beautiful.

Cheerilee fidgeted in her seat and watched the front door, hoping that Sweetie Belle would be the only pony to walk through it before class started.

Sweetie Belle ran through the door and skidded to a halt. She had run ahead to beat Silver Spoon to class. She huffed and puffed to catch her breath as she looked for Button Mash. The colt was seated at his desk playing his Joy Boy when she found him, she ran to his desk, held his head in her forehooves and planted a kiss on his lips.

“Wooooooooooooooo!” howled the class approvingly.

“All right, class, that’s enough,” said Cheerilee with a calm smile. “Sweetie Belle, do you think that perhaps you and Button can indulge your burning passion for one another before entering the classroom from now on?”

The class laughed at Cheerilee’s question.

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Thank you,” said Cheerilee. “Now please be seated. Class is nearly ready to begin.”

“Yes, Miss Cheerilee.”

Before heading for her desk, Sweetie Belle placed her snout near Button’s right ear.

“If you let any filly but me kiss you,” she whispered, “it’s game over between us – with no continues. Got it?”

“Uh... got it,” said Button as he watched Sweetie Belle hustle over to her seat. He turned to his left and saw Snips, who was seated next to him, smiling ear to ear.

“Dude,” whispered Snips as he held his right forehoof out to Button for a hoofbump. “You... are... the stallion!” Button grinned and hoofbumped Snips while Snails, Featherweight and Truffle Shuffle gave him congratulatory punches in the back. He was unsure of why Sweetie Belle found it necessary to kiss him in class but he welcomed the outpouring of respect from his fellow colts that her display of affection had earned him.

Silver Spoon was the next to enter the schoolhouse. She had to pass Button’s desk in order to get to her own and Sweetie Belle watched the gray filly like a hawk from the moment she arrived. As Silver Spoon came closer Button, Sweetie Belle saw her lean close to Button’s head and pucker her lips. Button looked at Silver Spoon blankly and blinked, unaware of what she had in store for him.

Sweat poured down Sweetie Belle’s knitted brow and she started chewing on her saddlebag strap nervously as Silver Spoon slowly bridged the gap between them, getting too close for Sweetie Belle’s comfort.

Silver Spoon then used those puckered lips – to blow on Button’s beanie propeller.

Sweetie Belle breathed a sigh of relief and plopped back in her chair.

Silver Spoon looked back at Sweetie Belle and stuck her tongue out at her as she removed her saddlebags and took her seat.

Cheerilee looked at the clock again. It read 7:58 AM. She left her desk and walked to the door to see if the second of her two least favorite students was on her way. Off in the distance, she saw a trail of dust being kicked up by somepony who was running very fast toward the schoolhouse. She stepped away from the door and somepony leapt through it before skidding to a dramatic halt and coming to a full stop between the first row of her student’s desks and her own desk.

Cheerilee recognized the runner as Diamond Tiara’s butler, Randolph. His tongue hung out of his open mouth as he gasped for breath. On his back sat his employer’s daughter, Diamond Tiara. Randolph’s aged limbs quivered as he lay down to allow her to climb off.

“Well done, Randolph,” said Diamond Tiara with a smile as she stepped off her butler’s back. “You’ve managed to bring me here with time to spare. Looks like that hardware store receipt I found in your pocket for a copy of the key to my dad’s cider cabinet will go ‘missing’ for yet another day.”

“I-I have... no idea what you’re talking about, Mistress,” said Randolph as he looked out into the class and smiled nervously.

“Of course you don’t,” she said as she patted him on the head condescendingly.

“Will there be anything else, Mistress?”

“Yes.” Diamond Tiara removed her saddlebags and took her seat as she issued new instructions to Randolph. “I’d like a big plate of pink frosted oatmeal cookies waiting for me at the day spa for my hooficure. I always feel a little snacky when I’m being pampered for several hours at a time.”

“Yes, Mistress. The moist and chewy kind, correct?”

“That’s right!” Diamond Tiara smiled. “You’re learning! I like that.” She turned her head to look at her hoof and then did a double take as she caught sight of Randolph. Her smile disappeared and was replaced by a scowl. “Why are you still here? GO!” She pointed to the front door with her left foreleg.

Randolph jumped at the sound of Diamond Tiara’s yelling and quickly scurried out of the schoolhouse.

The clock struck eight.

“Welcome back, children,” said Cheerilee. “I’m happy to see... most of you again. Now, I know we’re running behind but instead of tackling our usual subjects right off the bat, we’re going to have an open discussion today. Your classmate Twist was lost to a terrible accident and some of you might be feeling sad or confused so we’re going to use this time we have to focus on those feelings as well as talk about what we’ll remember most about her. I’ll go around the room and you may each have an opportunity to speak your mind. Apple Bloom, do you have any thoughts or memories of Twist that you’d like to share with the class?”

“Uh... yeah,” said Apple Bloom, casting her eyes downward at the surface of her desk. “She was a really good pony.” The pace at which Apple Bloom spoke was calculated and analytical and she paused between sentences longer than usual. “She was pretty happy most o’ the time... an’ she was always sharin’ somethin’ with me. News, candy, jokes, gossip; if she had it, she shared it. She liked bein’ with me... an ah liked bein’ with her. We didn’t even really need ta be doin’ anythin’ all that special. It’s like she was just happy bein’ in mah company.”

Diamond Tiara yawned without covering her mouth.

“Ah wish ah could tell her... that ah didn’t mean ta get so wrapped up in mahself an’ mah new friends that ah wound up ignorin’ her the way ah did,” continued Apple Bloom. “She just let it roll off her back and let me do mah own thing. She never got in mah face an’ asked me why ah wasn’t hangin’ out with her anymore. She coulda. We hadn’t ended our friendship, as far as ah knew. We just sort o’ drifted apart. No. It was more like ah drifted away from her. She had every right ta ask me about it. Anypony else woulda... but she never did. An’ a part o’ me was hopin’ that she wouldn’t.”

Cheerilee nodded slowly as she gave Apple Bloom her undivided attention.

“Ah guess ah wanted a clean break from her an’ leavin’ her be was workin’ just fine,” continued Apple Bloom. “Ah found friends that ah had more in common with an’... ah guess there’s no point in denyin’ it... ah ditched her. It’s a terrible thing ta do ta somepony ya called a friend once. Ah’m ashamed o’ mahself fer that. Ah never even congratulated her when she got her own cutie mark. Ah couldn’t at the time. Ah was jealous. Celestia, do ah hate that part o’ mahself. A-Ah don’t even know if ah made her sad by ignorin’ her an’ she was just holdin’ it in so that she wouldn’t be guiltin’ me into ditchin’ mah new friends an’ hangin’ out with her again. An’ if that was what she was really doin’...”

Apple Bloom’s eyes glistened with tears as her voice rose in pitch.

“...then... she was a better friend ta me than ah was ta her... even after ah wrote her off.” Apple Bloom sniffled and blew her nose into a facial tissue as quietly as possible. “Ah’m sorry, Miss Cheerilee. Ah didn’t mean ta ramble.”

Silver Spoon fidgeted in her seat, finding it difficult to get comfortable as she listened to Apple Bloom’s tale. She removed her glasses and deliberately left them off her snout so as to blur the faces of anypony that might be giving her disdainful looks.

“I understand, Apple Bloom,” said Cheerilee. “Regret can be a terrible thing... but you were kind to her once and I know that she appreciated any time that you gave her. Thank you for sharing. Scootaloo? Did you have any thoughts about Twist that you wanted to share?”

Scootaloo’s ears perked up.

“Oh, uh, me?” said Scootaloo.

“Miss Cheerilee?” said Diamond Tiara. “You skipped me.”

“Scootaloo,” said Cheerilee. “We’re waiting on you.”

“Miss Cheerilee?” called Diamond Tiara, raising her hoof. “I believe I was next.”

“Uhhh, I think somepony’s trying to get your attention, Miss Cheerilee,” said Scootaloo.

“She can wait her turn like everypony else,” declared Cheerilee.

“You said you were going around the room,” noted Diamond Tiara. “If you started with Apple Bloom and then went to Scootaloo, that means that you skipped over me! Silver Spoon is the first student in this row. Did you start from the middle with Apple Bloom or did you start from the left and skip over Silver Spoon?”

Cheerilee closed her eyes and cleared her throat.

“Class,” she said, “why don’t I give you a break so that I may share with you what I’ll remember most about Twist?”

Diamond Tiara frowned.

“Copout,” she muttered under her breath.

“As you know, students putting apples on a teacher’s desk is a tradition that goes way back,” began Cheerilee as she paced back and forth in front of her desk. “I do love a good apple. Some of my old friends like Mayor Mare would joke around with me, saying that I got into teaching for the free apples. Twist was quite good at making candy and when she got her cutie mark, her candy output went off the charts. She brought dozens of candies with her to give to all of you, do you remember that?”

Most of the class either nodded or muttered a yes.

“So,” she continued, “to be a little different, Twist started putting peppermint sticks on my desk instead of apples. What she didn’t know was that I was allergic to peppermint. I’ve been allergic to it all my life. It’s not a fatal allergy, thank Celestia. It just inflames the lining of my mouth and I’ve come to associate the smell of it with that uncomfortable feeling. Anyway, I meant to tell her of my peppermint allergy but she was so proud of discovering her special talent and seemed so happy to give the sticks to me that I didn’t have the heart to turn them down. I thanked her for each one she gave me. And so every school day for about a month, I could count on seeing one of Twist’s peppermint sticks sitting on my desk beside the apples that the rest of you had so generously given me. After a while, I had so many of the peppermint sticks that they started to clutter my top desk drawer and the scent was not very pleasant.”

Cheerilee walked behind her desk and pulled open its large side drawer. She removed what appeared to be a tall cylindrical tin of Hearth’s Warming Eve cookies.

“My solution was to collect them in this decorative cookie tin that I brought from home,” she continued. “It used to contain storebought Hearth’s Warming Eve cookies but when the cookies were all gone, the tin was too pretty to just throw out so I kept it in case I might need to put something special inside it some day. Plus the lid fits so snugly that it keeps the peppermint smell locked away. Then one day, the peppermint sticks stopped showing up and as it turned out, it was because Twist had started bringing me apples again. I asked her about why she had gone back to giving me apples. As it turned out, when I asked her to fetch some tape for me from my drawer as I was putting up some holiday decorations, she found the tin with all the peppermint sticks inside. I’ll never forget what she said to me. She said ‘I want to give you something that makes you happy to receive, not just what makes me happy to give.’ That is a very special lesson in giving to learn. And she learned it on her own.”

Miss Cheerilee removed the lid from the cookie tin. The smell of peppermint wasn’t nearly as bad as she remembered it.

“In the spirit of Twist’s giving nature, I want each of you to have one of these,” she said. Cheerilee walked to the back of the classroom to distribute the peppermint sticks to her students. Each student took a stick from Cheerilee's mouth as she presented it to them. “You may eat them or you may hold on to them as a memento. Whichever you choose is fine with me. Either way, I’m sure Twist would have been honored by you accepting them.”

When Cheerilee had finished giving out candy sticks to the students in the back and center rows, Diamond Tiara opened her mouth to prepare to take one. After giving one to Scootaloo, the pony seated behind Diamond Tiara, Cheerilee deliberately walked past Diamond Tiara to give one to Apple Bloom.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” complained Diamond Tiara. “Again? What happened to ‘each of you gets one’?”

Cheerilee ignored Diamond Tiara’s question.

Apple Bloom grinned as Cheerilee gently bit down on a candy stick, slid it out of the tin, and gave it to Apple Bloom.

“Thank you, Miss Cheerilee,” said Apple Bloom as she gently bit down on the candy stick and took it from Cheerilee.

“You’re welcome, Apple Bloom,” said Cheerilee softly.

As Cheerilee’s back was turned, Apple Bloom stuck her tongue out at Diamond Tiara.

Cheerilee passed by Silver Spoon’s desk just as she did to Diamond Tiara, opting not to give her a stick. Silver Spoon sank in her desk, accepting the fact that her teacher slighted her. She hardly needed a memento as she was in no danger of forgetting Twist any time soon.

“You skipped over Silver Spoon, too, I see,” said Diamond Tiara. “You know what? I’m over it. Keep your peppermint sticks. I can buy a whole bag of the things for one bit at my daddy’s store. It’s so like you to prize things of little value, isn’t it, Miss Cheerilee?” Diamond Tiara brought her right forehoof to her mouth and fake-coughed while blurting out Twist’s name in between coughs.

Cheerilee frowned. She marched to Diamond Tiara, set the tin on top of the pink filly’s desk and looked her straight in the eye.

“Twist was a precious student of mine, Diamond Tiara...” said Cheerilee. She turned her head to the left. “...and Silver Spoon.”

Silver Spoon had turtled in her seat as far as she could. She emitted a soft whine in response to having her name called.

“She was of great value to me; more valuable than...” Cheerilee held her tongue and decided to say something more professional than her original thought. “...she was more valuable than I can ever express... and she’s no longer with us because you and your friend thought it would be funny to be mean to her. I’m not surprised that you don’t want to show me any respect but, for Celestia’s sake, please have some respect for the dead.”

“Ex-kee-yooze me?” asked Diamond Tiara. “No-no-no-no.”

Diamond Tiara rose from her seat and walked over to Cheerilee’s desk.

“Where do you think you’re going?” asked Cheerilee. “I haven’t given you permission to leave your desk.”

Diamond Tiara helped herself to an apple from Cheerilee’s desk and she took a bite. Sauntering back to her own desk, Diamond Tiara chewed on her mouthful of apple as she continued her thought, her voice muffled from her pilfered snack.

“Mmm,” she mumbled. “Oh, that’s good. Anyway – Your precious student is no longer with us because she wasn’t watching where she was going.” She swallowed and shrugged. “It could have happened to anypony! And where is it written that we have to respect the dead?” She took another bite of her apple and chewed, speaking once again with her mouth full. “I didn’t respect Twist when she was alive and now I’m supposed to respect her because she’s dead? That’s not only stupid, it’s pointless! It’s not like she can hear me. Everypony is acting as though we planned her death. For the millionth time, we didn’t set out to kill Twist! Who in their right mind would ever go through the hassle of murdering a nopony like her? The girl’s special talent was making candy, for crying out loud! I’m pretty sure Equestria will survive without her.”

There was a blur, a clatter of small hooves and a slam of the front door hitting the wall after being swung open. Cheerilee looked over her class and saw that Truffle Shuffle’s seat was now empty. She surmised that he was so upset over his former Hearts and Hooves Day sweetheart Twist being badmouthed that he couldn’t stay in the schoolhouse to listen to another word.

Cheerilee’s ears drooped. Her heart went out to the little colt as she walked to the front door to closed.

“Though I suppose she at least had a talent... which is more than I can say for some ponies I know,” continued Diamond Tiara with her mouth full. “Mmph, hey, Silver Spoon, put your glasses on and check this out.”

Silver Spoon did as she was instructed.

“Apple Bloom’s getting her cutie mark,” said Diamond Tiara. Leaning toward Apple Bloom’s desk, she spat out the chewed up apple mush against Apple Bloom’s left flank.

“Hey!” yelled Apple Bloom.

Silver Spoon quickly hid her face. Despite her friend’s diatribe, the apple mush assault on Apple Bloom managed to make her snicker. She didn’t see the apple mush come in contact with Apple Bloom’s left flank because she was seated to her right but she got what happened.

Cheerilee’s ears perked up. She turned around and walked back to the front of the room.

“What’s going on?” she asked.

“Would you look at that?” said Diamond Tiara. “It’s even apple related.” She smiled at Apple Bloom. “You’re welcome.”

“Ya ruttin’ biyutch!” growled a furious Apple Bloom. She scrambled out of her seat and ran toward Diamond Tiara to teach her some long overdue manners. Diamond Tiara was one step ahead of Apple Bloom and had already left her seat by the time Apple Bloom was on her hooves. She smiled wickedly as she ran around her desk, keeping it between herself and Apple Bloom.

“APPLE BLOOM, STOP IT THIS INSTANT!” shouted Cheerilee as she stood on her hind legs and caught Apple Bloom with her forelegs. As much as Apple Bloom wanted to show her disgusting classmate what her revolting act had earned her, she did as Cheerilee asked and stopped chasing her. Apple Bloom’s chest expanded and contracted as she caught her breath.

“Apple Bloom said dirty words to me, Miss Cheerilee,” said Diamond Tiara as air raced in and out of her open mouthed smile. “And she tried to attack me. She must be punished.”

Cheerilee raised an eyebrow.

“I do not need you to tell me how to do my job, Diamond Tiara,” said Cheerilee, “so I would appreciate it if you would clean up this mess and return to your seat while I handle this.” Diamond Tiara trotted off to the supply closet to fetch the whisk broom and dustpan. “Apple Bloom, I’m very sorry to do this to you but you did swear in the classroom... and you know the punishment for that.”

Apple Bloom’s lower lip quivered.

“But she spat on me!” whimpered Apple Bloom, driven to tears over the injustice of Cheerilee’s decision.

“I didn’t actually witness it with my own eyes but the evidence would suggest that you’re telling the truth. However, that does not give you the right to attack your classmate in retaliation. Diamond Tiara, please apologize to Apple Bloom for provoking her.”

“So sorry, Apple Bloom,” said Diamond Tiara with the whisk broom between her teeth, feigning remorse as she swept up the globs of masticated apple. “I guess spitting apples at ponies who have no talent is just my way of coping with the loss of such a precious classmate.”

Apple Bloom walked to the back of the classroom and sat in the Stool of Shame which was set up in the corner. She opened the box of jumbo sized Band-Neighed brand bandages underneath the stool and pulled one out. It had the words FOUL MOUTH written on top of it. There were other bandages inside the box for different vocal offenses, such as CHATTY CATHY and BACK TALKER but she pulled the right one on the first try. Peeling the adhesive backing away from the plastic strips, she pressed the bandage against her mouth right side up and snorted angrily as she sat on the stool, frowning and seething. She had never been so humiliated in her life and she vowed to settle the score with her vile nemesis.

“Now where was I?” Diamond Tiara asked herself as she disposed of the mess in the trash can and returned the whisk broom and dustpan to the supply closet. “Oh, yes. Judge Harshly didn’t believe that we killed anypony – and if he didn’t, why should we give a mule what any of you believe?”

Cheerilee didn’t care for Diamond Tiara’s continued usage of the word ‘mule’ in her class to mean something bad or undesirable.

“Mind your tongue, young lady,” said Cheerilee.

“Mind yours, old lady!” shot back Diamond Tiara. “Or would you still be...? Yeah... I guess technically you’re still a lady.”

Cheerilee flinched as Diamond Tiara’s eyes locked on to hers.

And Cheerilee felt a shiver go up her spine.

Could she know? she wondered. No, that’s not possible. How could she know?

“I... won’t tolerate any back talk from you or anypony, Diamond Tiara.”

“It's not back talk. It was your idea to set aside this time for us to talk about how this tragedy has affected us. Well, I belong to this class, too... and I’ve got some things I want to say. You're silencing me because you don’t share my views! Well, just because you don't agree with me doesn’t mean I don’t get to express my views. You’ve said it yourself in the past. You told us that this is a place of learning for free thinkers and that we have the right to speak our minds freely.”

“That applies only if you can conduct yourself respectfully. I’ll allow you some time to speak but if you step out of line, I will revoke your right to speak freely.”

“Huh! If they can be taken away, they aren’t rights... but I’ll try.” Diamond Tiara cleared her throat. “What happened to Twist was an ac-ci-dent... and accidents happen! Just ask Scootaloo’s parents.”

Scootaloo was already gnawing on her pencil when Diamond Tiara started spewing her bile earlier. After hearing that remark, she bit clean through it. She spat out particles of wood, paint and graphite, materials that didn’t leave nearly as bad of a taste in her mouth as sitting there and doing nothing as Diamond Tiara took a cheap shot at her.

“Diamond Tiara!” grunted Cheerilee.

“What?” asked Diamond Tiara. “I didn’t say anything bad! Whatever you take away from my statement is completely outside of my control.”

“Settle down,” whispered Silver Spoon out of the corner of her mouth. She thought Diamond Tiara’s zinger was a good one but it should have been fired off in private or on the playground, not in front of everypony. There were rules of engagement for bullying and Diamond Tiara was breaking them all with no fear of getting written up for her gross misconduct in class.

“And has it occurred to anypony here that Silver Spoon and I could have been the ones hit by that train instead?” asked Diamond Tiara as she turned around in her desk and looked at her classmates. “We were cautious and Twist wasn’t. Them’s the breaks, kid! I absolutely refuse to take every dirty look from everypony for the crime of being cautious! I know what you all thought of Silver Spoon and me before all of this happened and there’s no way that all of you would be sitting around talking about how much you missed us if we were the ones who got hit by that train. I'd bet that half of you would probably be planning a party to celebrate our deaths. And another thing: everypony’s been soooo busy throwing sympathy around left and right for poor little Twist... but where’s your sympathy for me, hm?”

Everypony in class looked at one another, completely clueless as to why Diamond Tiara felt that she was deserving of any sympathy. Diamond Tiara’s pupils narrowed with disbelief as she scanned the class for anypony who knew what she was talking about. She found none. Angered by their lack of intelligence, she threw her hooves up in disgust as she pointed out the obvious. She furrowed her brow and gestured with her hoof to draw attention to her head.

“I... have a bump... on my head!” stated Diamond Tiara. “It’s been like forever and it still hasn’t gone down all the way. It really hurts, too.” Her pupils expanded and she pouted.

Cheerilee sighed and hung her head.

“I’ve failed you, Diamond Tiara,” she said.

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped.

“What?” she spat. “You can’t do that! The semester’s not even over yet! My daddy will sue the school board for this!”

Cheerilee shook her head slowly as tears ran down her face.

“I didn’t mean your grades. I meant that, as a teacher, I’ve failed to reach you; to inspire you by setting an example for you to follow. I’ve spent years honing my craft, studying ways to help even the most troubled students and I’ve always succeeded... until now. I don’t know what happened to you two in your personal lives that turned you into such heartless, unfeeling, remorseless... miscreants... but I see now that the scars run too deep for me to get you to treat others with respect, be they dead or alive. It was my job to reach you. It's my failure.”

Silver Spoon winced at Cheerilee’s weepy words and she wanted to reassure her teacher that her hard work had not gone unnoticed but nopony was paying attention to her right now and she wanted to remain as invisible for as long as equinely possible.

“Oh, brava, Miss Cheerilee,” said Diamond Tiara as she clapped her forehooves together a few times. “You can’t fool me. You’re trying to diffuse my anger by accepting blame. Well, not only is that not going to work but now I’m even angrier than I was before! I have a right to my anger and the right to express it! But I’m done with this stupid topic so let’s forget about it, okay? Now if we’re done reminiscing about fillies who are better off dead, could we please get on with our first subject of the day? I’ve got a hooficure appointment after class and I don’t want to be late for it because somepony was too busy handing out sticks of striped manure to perform her meaningless job properly!”

With a wide swing of her left foreleg, Diamond Tiara callously swatted the tin of peppermint sticks across the room. Cheerilee’s jaw dropped as she watched her tin sail across the room, strike a wall and then roll underneath a broken desk that was set in the far corner of the classroom. Considering the amount of force that Diamond Tiara used when she hit it, there was little doubt in anypony’s mind that every stick inside – the sticks that were given to Cheerilee with love – was now cracked.

Cheerilee looked back at Diamond Tiara, stunned beyond words. If such things could be verified visually, Cheerilee was unsure if there was a soul behind those deceptively beautiful blue eyes.

“What is wrong with you, Diamond Tiara?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, those were hers, you meanie pants!” said Dinky.

“You had no right to break her stuff!” said Button.

“So not cool,” said Scootaloo.

Diamond Tiara ignored her classmates.

“Hel-lo-oh!” said Diamond Tiara, waving her hoof back and forth in front of Cheerilee’s face. “Is anypony home? How do you expect me to ace my tests if you can’t even begin a simple lesson?"

Diamond Tiara smiled wickedly at the mare she had bent but not broken.

Not yet.

She ran her tongue over her lips as she prepared to deliver the finishing blow to Cheerilee.

“If you’re not going to start a lesson,” she posed, “why don’t you go down to the tavern to cry into a mug of hard cider with your friend Berry Punch and whine about how no stallion will marry you because you can’t have any foals of your own?”

Cheerilee gasped, as did everypony else in the classroom.

Oh, manure, thought Cheerilee as she dropped to her plot and sat on the floor. She does know. She covered her mouth with her forehooves and whimpered.

Silver Spoon gasped, unsure of how her friend could have learned such a secret about their teacher– or how she could reveal it.

Apple Bloom looked at Cheerilee. The mare’s horrified face indicated that Diamond Tiara was telling the truth. She turned around and saw that Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were equally shocked as well as in tears. Was this why Miss Cheerilee didn’t have a very special somepony? A tear ran down Apple Bloom’s cheek as she glared at Diamond Tiara, ashamed of herself for the terrible thoughts that danced through her head; thoughts of teaching her classmate a lesson in respecting the privacy of others – one hoof to the head at a time.

“That’s right, everypony,” said Diamond Tiara as she turned her head to face the class, her features beaming with arrogant pride. “Miss Cheerilee is biologically incapable of having babies. When she was about our age, she had a bilateral oophorectomy. That means that she had both of her ovaries surgically removed.”

Cheerilee’s trembling lips moved but no sound came out.

“H-H-How did you...?” was all she could get out.

“You know, it really is apalling just how lax Ponyville Hospital security is,” said Diamond Tiara as she inspected her own hoof for imperfections. “I mean, just because a filly’s wealthy father is on the hospital’s board of directors shouldn’t mean that his beautiful daughter can be allowed to romp and play in the medical records room and rummage through the file cabinets unsupervised... but apparently, it does.”

Diamond Tiara reached into her saddlebag beside her seat and produced a file folder that she threw into the air, causing it to spin and open which sent the documents within flying all over the classroom.

“There’s my proof if anypony’s stupid enough to doubt my word,” she added. “Rumor has it that you and Apple Bloom’s doll-rutting dimwit of a brother Big Macintosh were supposedly an item once upon a time. Ha ha ha ha! What a joke! Surely a family-oriented stallion like him would want a mare who’d help him expand his family tree, not prune it. Big Mac’s a farmer and any good farmer knows not to plant his seed in an unfertile... plot of land! Hee hee hee hee hee! Oh! Oh! I’ve got another one! No wonder you became a teacher, Miss Cheerilee; a classroom’s the only place you can have... periods! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Cheerilee let out a ragged whimper as tears fell from her face. She closed her eyes, trembled and sobbed. She wanted to believe that Diamond Tiara was just a child who didn’t fully comprehend the magnitude of her words but she knew that this was not true. The nonstop insults were cutting deep and Cheerilee’s spirit was being whittled away.

Just run away, Cheerilee, don’t let her get to you. You can claim that you’re not feeling well. Just walk away and deal with this tomorrow... and the day after that... and the day after that...

Apple Bloom defiantly ripped the Band-Neighed off of her mouth.

“Diamond Tiara!” she growled loudly enough to be heard from the back of the room, “if ya don’t shut the hoof up right now, ah swear ah’ll-”

“You swear you’ll what, Apple Goon?” asked Diamond Tiara, turning in her seat to address her. “You’ll sing me a song about friendship in that ignorant, backwoods, hillbilly accent of yours? You don’t scare me. Your family’s lack of genetic diversity? Now that’s scary! Oh!” Diamond Tiara faced forward again and addressed Cheerilee. “Hey! You know what you should do, Miss Cheerilee? You should go talk to some of the newborns at the Ponyville Hospital’s nursery and ask them if they want to rent out that old womb you’re not using! Ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Cheerilee bawled. Is this what her years of selflessness and dedication to the honored profession of teaching had earned her? Ridicule at the hooves of a monster?

Run away. Get out of here. Go home. Get drunk. Pass out. Do whatever you have to do but don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap. Don’t snap.

“Diamond, please stop,” beseeched Silver Spoon. “Can’t you see you’re making her cry?”

“Why, so I am,” said Diamond Tiara. “Let me see if I can do anything about that. Awwww, cheer up, Mister Cheerilee, sir. Look at the bright side. You can sleep with all the stallions in town and not get knocked up. Or at least the stallions who can afford your... prices.”

Cheerilee stopped crying.

Cheerilee was truly blessed with a generous amount of patience. One had to be patient with children if they were going to enter a career as a teacher. Her students from years past were always very well behaved and a large percentage of them were happy to have her around. Many ponies believed that she’d never lose her patience with a student.

But nopony, not even Cheerilee, ever thought that one of her students would imply that she was a prostitute.

And in front of her class.

Cheerilee listened for the little voice in her head that told her not to snap.

It was absent.

And she was glad of it.

Cheerilee walked briskly to Diamond Tiara’s desk. She stopped beside her and snorted at her angrily.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked Diamond Tiara as she looked at Cheerilee from head to hoof and back again, frowning with an open mouth.

“Something that somepony should have done a long time ago,” replied Cheerilee.

With a backhoof swing of her left foreleg, Cheerilee swatted the tiara off of her student’s head, sending the jeweled accessory flying into a wall and then clattering to the floor.

“Hey!” yelled Diamond Tiara.

Cheerilee reached forward and held Diamond Tiara’s forelock fast between her clenched teeth.

“Ow!” cried Diamond Tiara. “OWWW!! MY BUMP! AAAAAAAHAHOWWWW!!”

Cheerilee pulled Diamond Tiara out of her seat by her forelock and dragged her over to the teacher’s desk. She lifted Diamond Tiara off the ground and slammed her down on the desk on her belly with her hind legs dangling over the desk’s front edge. She then pinned her student to the desk by placing her hoof on her back.

Diamond Tiara grunted and tried to escape but Cheerilee outweighed her three times over. Physics was simply not on her side.

“LET ME GO!!” she yelled. “GET OFF OF ME!!”

Cheerilee lifted her hoof long enough to place Diamond Tiara’s tail under that same hoof and then pin her to the desk, thus exposing the filly’s plot to the class. Diamond Tiara’s pupils narrowed as she saw Cheerilee pick up her wooden chalkboard pointer with her free hoof.

She knew what was about to happen next.

“Oh, no...” whimpered Diamond Tiara. “Please, Miss Cheerilee... Don’t! PLEASE!!!”

Ignoring her student’s request, Cheerilee began whipping Diamond Tiara’s buttocks without mercy. Diamond screamed out in pain, flailing her hind legs wildly with each strike as she struggled in vain to save herself.

At first, the class thought they would be elated to see Diamond Tiara receive her just deserts.

They were mistaken.

“HOW DARE YOU SPEAK TO ME THAT WAY, YOU INCORRIGIBLE LITTLE MONSTER?!” screamed Cheerilee as she continued her unrelenting assault on her student. “JUST BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN INTO A LIFE OF PRIVILEGE DOES NOT GIVE YOU THE RIGHT TO TREAT EVERYPONY ELSE LIKE MANURE!”

They had never heard their teacher scream in anger before – nor had they ever seen her spank a foal. Everypony in class flinched with each sharp crack of the thin wooden rod landing across Diamond Tiara’s rump. Even those who were upset with Diamond Tiara – and there were more than a few of them – now found it difficult not to sympathize with a fellow foal being abused by an adult.

The sound was sickening.

The whooshing sound of the pointer whistling through the air like a golf club followed by the smacking sound it created upon striking Diamond Tiara’s buttocks.

Over and over.

Each time her classmates thought the next strike would be the last one, they were wrong.

Again and again.

Ten seconds had gone by.

Then twenty.

Then thirty.

All with Diamond Tiara’s maniacal screaming in the background.

Her bottom began to turn a deeper shade of pink.

Then a constellation of dark pink welts appeared across it.

Then red bloody slashes appeared across it.

Drops of crimson flecked the surface of the desks in the front row and the pointer itself was now stained with blood.

Diamond Tiara’s screams gave way to bawling as she gave up the fight to free herself and began to urinate. This did not escape the notice of her classmates but they made every effort to stifle their gut reaction.

Apple Bloom’s conscience was a whirlwind of inner turmoil. She was incensed with Diamond Tiara over how she spat on her flank as well as how she spilled a sensitive secret like Cheerilee’s sterility but witnessing how viciously Cheerilee was laying into Diamond Tiara had drawn something from Apple Bloom that she never thought she’d feel toward her enemy – sympathy.

Scootaloo began to cry, hating herself for feeling compassion for a filly as rotten as Diamond Tiara.

Sweetie Belle covered her eyes and cowered in fear.

No amount of bad behavior or revealed secrets could ever warrant abuse to this degree.

No teacher had the right to cause a student physical injury over words.

Silver Spoon was just as stunned as the rest of class but she snapped out of her stupor, realizing that she had an obligation to rescue her beloved friend from this beating. She cursed herself for not stepping in sooner. She hopped out of her desk and ran to the front of the classroom.

“Miss Cheerilee!” cried Silver Spoon, “Please stop-EEK!”

Cheerilee stopped Silver Spoon’s advance with a single backhoof swat across the face with the chalkboard pointer. Silver Spoon squealed as the pointer connected with her cheek and knocked her glasses off of her face. She sank to the floor and bawled as she held the area. It felt like a giant wasp had stung her face. She took her hoof away from her face and looked at it. She found what looked like a bloodstain on it but she didn’t know if it was Diamond Tiara’s or her own. As bad as it smarted, she couldn’t imagine just how much worse Diamond Tiara was smarting having taken Celestia knows how many hits on the rear end from that pointer.

“SILVER SPOON, I SWEAR TO CELESTIA THAT YOU WILL BE NEXT ON THIS DESK UNLESS YOU GET BACK TO YOUR SEAT RIGHT NOW!” screamed Cheerilee.

The threat frightened Silver Spoon so much that she ran out of the schoolhouse crying.

Cheerilee’s chest rose and fell rapidly with each breath she took. She was exhausted after whipping Diamond Tiara. She looked at the pink filly and found that she was still lying on the desk, weeping, trembling and utterly powerless – a far cry from the pompous, egotistical bully that first set hoof in her classroom this morning. She looked at Diamond Tiara's rump and saw that it was a bloody mess. It looked like she had slid down a park slide laced with barbed wire. Cheerilee was too far gone psychologically to feel any remorse for her actions against her pint sized jailer but she did have the wherewithall to know that it wasn’t enough to simply punish Diamond Tiara physically. She needed to be made to understand why she had been subjected to this torture so that it would never happen again.

Cheerilee reached out and grabbed Diamond Tiara by the mane with her teeth, turning her around and posing her to sit upright to face the class. Diamond Tiara cried even louder as the area of her body that had been whipped open multiple times was now supporting her weight. She covered her eyes with her forehooves and wept, her jaw hanging open with her trembling lower lip curled up inside her mouth. The only time her crying ceased was when she would cough or sniffle and swallow the post-nasal drip that accumulated in her throat.

“How does fear feel, Diamond Tiara?” asked Cheerilee. “How does pain feel? How does humiliation feel?” Diamond Tiara was too busy crying to answer the question. “Not so good, right? Well, guess what? It feels just as bad to everypony else... so if you wouldn’t want those things visited upon you, DON’T VISIT THEM UPON OTHERS! Celestia knows I’ve tried to impart this lesson to you countless times and it took doing THIS to you in order to get it across! Celestia only knows if you’ll actually retain it.”

Silver Spoon’s terror stricken heart was pounding like a kettle drum as she galloped into town. As if she wasn’t frightened enough by Cheerilee and the thought of Diamond Tiara being beaten further, she had left her glasses behind. Ponies all looked like blobs to her. Fortunately, some adult sized blobs entered her field of vision and she ran over to them.

“Help me!” she cried.

“What’s wrong, sweetheart?” asked one of the stallion blobs.

“My friend is in trouble!”

“Hey, wait a minute,” said a second stallion blob. “I know this kid. I read about her in the Ponyville Express. She’s one of those snot-nosed rich bitches who got that Twist kid killed and got off scot free.”

“Hey, yeah, you’re right,” said a third stallion blob.

“And now she needs help from a bunch of poor ponies like us?” said the first.

“I need an adult!" she cried. "My friend is being beaten by an adult! Her life could be in danger! Please help her!”

“Huh! Why don’t you ask your lawyer for help?”

“Please! This is an emergency!”

“What’s wrong with your eyes, kid?”

“I lost my glasses and I can't see so well without them! Now please come with me!”

“So you can’t see so good without ‘em, eh?”

“Come on! Every second we waste- EEK!” Silver Spoon felt something rub against her plot and she spun around. “Don’t touch me there, you jerk!” She felt something touch her plot again. "EEEEK!”

A round of raucous laughter rose from the stallions as they surrounded Silver Spoon and took turns touching her plot, no matter which direction she faced.

“STOP THAAAAT!” she screamed. “SOMEPONY HELP MEEE!!”

She cried for her beloved’s life as she walked backward away from the stallion blobs who were harassing her. They quickly and inexplicably ran off when a new blob suddenly appeared.

“Are you all right, Silver Spoon?” said a mare’s voice. “Did those young stallions hurt you?”

“You know me? Who are you?”

“Can’t you - Oh, I see your glasses are missing. It’s me, dear; Mayor Mare.”

Silver Spoon’s heart jumped for joy as tears of happiness flowed down her face.

“Ms. Mayor! Thank Celestia! Please help Diamond Tiara! Cheerilee’s beating her to death in the schoolhouse!”

“So you found out about my surgery,” said Cheerilee to Diamond Tiara. “Congratulations! I’m a little sensitive about it but I think you might have already guessed that. I’ll tell you one thing, though." Cheerilee stood right in front of Diamond Tiara and stuck her nose in her face. "If I was pregnant with a little girl and I knew that she’d grow up to be even half of the cold, heartless bitch that you are, I’D RIP OUT MY OWN UTERUS IN THE FIRST TRIMESTER!!"

Cheerilee inhaled. Her throat hurt but she didn't care. She wasn't finished lecturing yet. This was for educational purposes.

"YOU’RE TOO YOUNG AND IGNORANT TO UNDERSTAND HOW PAINFUL IT IS TO WANT TO START A FAMILY OF YOUR OWN WHEN YOUR BODY WON’T COOPERATE!! DO YOU FIND MY INFERTILITY FUNNY?? YOU THINK YOU’VE GOT EVERYTHING FIGURED OUT BECAUSE YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TO WORK A DAY IN YOUR LIFE?! YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART?! YOU... KNOW... NOTHING ABOUT THE REAL WORLD – OR WORKING AT SOMETHING YOU LOVE! YOU HAVEN’T GOT AN OUNCE OF RESPECT FOR ANYPONY! YOU DON’T CARE ABOUT ANYPONY BUT YOURSELF!! YOU’RE A WASTE OF EQUINE LIFE! HOW IN CELESTIA’S NAME IS IT FAIR THAT A SELFISH, STUPID LITTLE MANURE STAIN OF A PONY LIKE YOU IS ALLOWED TO LIVE AND BREATHE DOING WHATEVER SHE DAMNED WELL PLEASES WHEN MY UNBORN CHILD DOESN’T EVEN GET THE COURTESY OF A FIGHTING CHANCE?? THE CLOSEST THING I HAD TO A FOAL OF MY OWN WAS... Twist."

Cheerilee gazed up at the ceiling and wondered what Twist would think of her if she could see her now. She didn’t even care that her other students were practically wetting themselves in their seats.

“Twist... was my little angel. She was the light of my life. A teacher is supposed to care about all of their students equally and it’s not right to pick a favorite – but I couldn’t help myself; Twist was special. My love of teaching was nothing compared to her love of learning, her love for... the possibilities that life had to offer. Her appreciation for the way I taught made coming to work each day a joy in and of itself. She loved me and I loved her more than I had a right to. If anything had happened to her parents, I would have leaped at the chance to take her in and raise her as my own daughter. And... Celestia help me, but... in my darkest moments... I even wished that such a thing would happen. I’m...”

Cheerilee took a moment to wipe her nose.

“I’m a teacher,” she continued. “I want to protect all of my students... my surrogate children... but I let the bad apples in the bunch take her from me because I was a coward. I didn’t do enough to discourage bullying. I was going to have the privilege of guiding Twist into adulthood. She would have invited me to her wedding. I would have been a nanny to her children. She would have welcomed me into her home to live with her family in my golden years... and you put an end to that dream. You extinguished the one light in my life. There was only one filly like her in the whole world... pure... innocent... and now she’s gone. Her last breath was spent crying tears that you caused.”

Cheerilee paused again. She pursed her lips together tightly and frowned as she slowly shook her head back and forth.

“It’s just not fair,” she concluded in a soft voice. “I want her back.” Her gaze left the ceiling and returned it to Diamond Tiara. “Trade places with her, Diamond Tiara. Bring Twist back to me and you stay in her grave. Okay?”

Diamond Tiara slowly lowered her trembling forehooves away from her face. She blinked, uncertain of how to answer her mad teacher’s request.

“TRADE PLACEEEEES!!!” screamed Cheerilee as she swung the pointer and struck her desk. Diamond Tiara flinched at the sound, as did everypony else in the classroom. She cringed and held her forehooves up to block a potential attack, too paralyzed by fear to run off. “I WANT HER BAAAAACK!!!!”

Diamond Tiara saw Cheerilee advance upon her and she screamed but it was cut short as Cheerilee slammed the length of the pointer across her throat and pushed down on it with her hooves on either end, pinning her to the desk and cutting off her air supply. All Diamond Tiara could get out was an otherworldly hiss and she couldn’t draw in enough air to produce another one. She tried to push up on the pointer with her forehooves but Cheerilee had leverage in abundance so it did nothing. She kicked at Cheerilee with her hind legs but that only seemed to increase the pressure on her throat.

The class was more panicked than before, uncertain of what to do. Should they step in and risk getting hit with the pointer like Silver Spoon?

“Miss Cheerilee, please stop!” shouted Peachy Pie. “You’re gonna kill her!”

“Very good, Peachy Pie!” said Cheerilee in her cheerful, upbeat voice. “I am, in fact, about to kill her. Does anypony know the name of the lawyer that defended Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon? I think I might need to hire him since he’s so good at getting murderers off. I’d ask Diamond Tiara for his name but she can’t answer me right now... CAN YOU? Oh, wait, never mind, I forgot that you can’t answer that, either. Ha ha ha.”

“MISS CHEERILEE!”

Cheerilee heard the voice of an adult. Removing the pointer from Diamond Tiara’s throat and turning around, she found Mayor Mare standing in the doorway with Silver Spoon behind her. Diamond Tiara inhaled deeply and coughed as she rolled off the desk and ran into the supply closet, shutting the door behind her.

Apart from the muffled coughing coming from behind the closet door, the room was silent.

The look on Mayor Mare’s face was one of immense sorrow.

And regret.

So much regret.

When they were youngsters, Mayor Mare was a bully who was the first pony to discover firsthoof how teasing Cheerilee until she reached her breaking point was a bad idea. The straw that broke the pony’s back was the day that she called Cheerilee a whore. The fight had been brutal. Cheerilee received a particularly serious injury when they rolled down a hill as they fought and Cheerilee landed abdomen first on a metal pipe that was part of a school sprinkler system.

Both of Cheerilee’s ovaries had ruptured past the point of repair and had to be removed, condemning her to a lifetime of hormonal replacement drugs with no shortage of negative side effects.

With tears streaming from her eyes, Mayor Mare walked up to Cheerilee and slowly removed the bloody pointer from her hoof, maintaining eye contact with her all the while. When it was in her possession, she let the pointer fall. It clattered loudly against the hardwood floor and the room was silent once more.

As a member of the Ponyville school board, Mayor Mare had a duty to say what needed to be said but the words didn’t come out. She didn’t want to say them. They were like razor blades sitting at the bottom of her lungs that would cut her windpipe on the way out.

She didn’t have to say them, as far as Cheerilee was concerned. She could see it on Mayor Mare’s face, plain as day.

Her career as a teacher – the career that she loved almost as much as she loved Twist – was now over.

Furthermore, she would never be allowed to work with or near children ever again.

And justifiably so.

Mayor Mare gently wrapped her forelegs behind Cheerilee’s neck and hugged her. She understood the pain and suffering that Cheerilee felt due to the loss of her favorite student but she could not condone the shape that her rage took.

“I’m so sorry, whispered Mayor Mare as the tears that ran down her face dripped from her jaw. “As the mayor... it’s my duty to... You have to... Please forgive me. I wish there was some other way. It’s... I’ll take you home.”

Cheerilee’s face slowly contorted into a twisted mass of wrinkles as her mouth widened and she bawled in deep, sustained, guttural sobs that sounded more like slow coughs. She mourned the loss of her livelihood, her friendships with her students – and her most treasured student who brought more to her life than apples and peppermint sticks. Whatever comfort there was to be had from Mayor Mare’s embrace did little to soothe her injured soul. Her forfeited purpose.

Mayor Mare lowered her head and walked between Cheerilee’s forelegs and hind legs and slowly lifted her until she her friend was lying across her back.

Cheerilee took one last look at her schoolhouse and its students. The foals stared at her with traumatized eyes Since words could not convey her regret properly, she made no attempt to apologize to them.

Her ears rotated as they heard Diamond Tiara coughing in the supply closet. She glared at the door angrily.

“Why did you have to pick on Twist?” gargled Cheerilee in a dry, rattling monstrous voice. “She never would have bothered you.” Her nose wrinkled as she sneered. “If she’d lived to be a hundred, she never would have bothered you! I hope you burn in Tartaros, Diamond Tiara!” Cheerilee closed her eyes and bawled once more.

“Class... you’re dismissed,” said Mayor Mare.

Some of the more sensitive students were crying – mostly the fillies but a few of the colts were in tears, too. They knew that this would be the last time their beloved teacher Miss Cheerilee would ever be permitted to pass through the schoolhouse doors.

Silver Spoon hopped down the steps and backed away several paces to give the mayor and her mad cargo a wide berth as they left the schoolhouse.

“Are you all right, Silver Spoon?” asked Mayor Mare.

“I’m shaken, Miss Mayor,” answered Silver Spoon, “but I think I’ll be okay.”

“Good.”

The students began to exit the schoolhouse in single file. Some went home while others hovered close by the steps and rubbernecked.

“What about her?” asked Silver Spoon. “Will she be okay?”

Mayor Mare sniffled.

“I don’t know,” she said softly. “I’m going to take Miss Cheerilee home now. I'll have a messenger deliver a notice to your doors about a substitute teacher and when classes will be back in session.” She gestured with a head tilt toward the schoolhouse. “Could you... see to it that Diamond Tiara receives medical attention and then makes it home safely?”

“Yes, Ms. Mayor.”

“Thank you. When you’re ready to leave, please lock the schoolhouse door on your way out.

“Okay, Ms. Mayor. Thank you again.”

A lonesome gust of wind danced across Apple Bloom’s bow and red mane as she shed some tears. She had her forelegs wrapped snugly about the back of both Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle’s necks. They were weeping profusely and couldn’t bear to see their teacher get hauled away like a bag of garbage.

Silver Spoon ran inside the now abandoned schoolhouse. She found her glasses on the floor and put them on. Miraculously, they were in one piece and she breathed a sigh of relief over being granted the ability to see again. She ran to the supply closet door and knocked on it three times.

“Di?” she asked. “Di, it’s me. Miss Cheerilee’s gone so please open the door.”

“Get my tiara,” commanded a muffled voice that was presumably Diamond Tiara’s.

Silver Spoon shook her head as she questioned her friend’s priorities. She ran over to the spot where she remembered seeing the tiara land when Cheerilee knocked it off. She found it and picked it up. Celestia must have been offering two-for-ones on this day because the tiara, like her glasses, showed no sign of damage. She picked it up in her mouth and returned to the door.

“I’ve got it,” she said.

There was a moment of silence.

Diamond Tiara opened the door and Silver Spoon winced as she beheld her wounded first love within.

Tears of rage, fear, pain and embarassment flowed steadily down Diamond Tiara’s tomato red face which had been seized by a frightening scowl. Her sky blue eyes were tucked away behind a tensed pair of brow muscles and cheek muscles. She shivered as though she had just been rescued from falling through the ice of a frozen lake. Her lips had spread open as far as possible, showing off her teeth which were gnashed together. She was seated with her tail underneath her to protect her injured plot from the millions of germs that resided in the closet’s dusty old floor. There was blood on her throat, her hooves, her hind legs and her tail.

And she smelled of urine.

Silver Spoon stepped into the closet slowly and carefully, nervous about whether or not Diamond would lash out at her for not coming to her rescue before Cheerilee had done any serious damage. Taking the tiara out of her mouth with her forehooves, Silver Spoon stood on her hind legs and placed it on Diamond Tiara’s quivering head, making sure not to touch the area where the bump resided. Once it was on straight and the tort combs dug into Diamond Tiara’s mane securely, Silver Spoon stepped back and gave her friend some space.

“Thanks,” grumbled Diamond Tiara, coughing once as she looked straight ahead, making no eye contact with Silver Spoon. “Nopony... takes advantage of me... and gets away with it.” She hissed as she inhaled through her clenched teeth to refill her lungs with each pause in her speech. “Not a foal... not an adult... not a teacher... nopony. That mare... left this schoolhouse... thinking... that she just cost herself... her career... but what she really did... was sign her own rutting death warrant.”

“Diamond, sh-h-h-h,” coaxed Silver Spoon as she brushed a stray hair away from her beloved’s face. “It’s okay.”

Diamond Tiara looked up at Silver Spoon and her face contorted as though she had just been insulted. Her eyes opened wide as her pupils narrowed to the size of tiddlywinks.

“‘Okay’?” she asked as her eye twitched. The left corner of her mouth curled upward to form a half-smile. “‘Okay’?” She stood on all fours as her chest expanded from taking in a deep breath.

“THAT RUTTING LUNATIC HORSEWHIPPED ME UNTIL I PEED MYSELF IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE RUTTING CLASS, SILVER SPOON!!” she screamed as she resisted the urge to weep. “WHEN WORD OF THIS GETS AROUND, EVERYPONY’S GONNA CALL ME DIAMOND PEE-ARA UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!! WHAT THE RUT STRIKES YOU AS ‘OKAY’ ABOUT THAT, EXACTLY? HUH? IS THERE SOME NEW DEFINITION OF THE WORD ‘OKAY’ THAT CAME OUT THAT NOPONY TOLD ME ABOUT?”

“I only meant-”

“NO! THIS IS NOT RUTTING OKAY! THIS WON’T BE ‘OKAY’ UNTIL MY DADDY OWNS THIS RUTTING SCHOOL AND THAT BITCH IS LAID OUT IN A FREEZER AT THE MORGUE WITH A RUTTING TAG ON HER HOOF!! I DON’T CARE IF IT TAKES ME THE REST OF MY LIFE AND EVERY CENT OF MY INHERITANCE TO DO IT; I AM GONNA KILL HER AND CELESTIA HELP ANYPONY WHO TRIES TO GET IN MY WAY! THAT CRAZY FOAL-ABUSING BITCH IS RUTTING DEAD AND SHE DOESN’T EVEN RUTTING KNOW IT!!! MY OWN FATHER DOESN’T SPANK ME! WHO THE RUT DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?! I’M DIAMOND TIARAAAA!!”

Tears began to form in Silver Spoon’s eyes as her heart hurt to see her beloved in such a state.

As Diamond Tiara’s voice trailed off, her anger fled her face, leaving an expression of sadness behind.

“I’m... Diamond Tiara...” she squeaked.

Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and broke down crying as Silver Spoon strode up to her and wrapped a loving foreleg around the back of her neck. Silver Spoon’s throat burned as she wept with her friend.

“...I was so scared...” bawled Diamond Tiara.

“Me, too,” cried Silver Spoon. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t stop her from hurting you.”

“She was so rutting strong. You did the right thing getting Mayor Mare’s help. Thank you.” Diamond Tiara cleared her throat, sniffled and swallowed her postnasal drip. She released Silver Spoon, took a step backward and turned around. “Tell me how bad it looks back there.”

Silver Spoon winced as she saw Diamond Tiara's backside.

“Oh, Diamond... the hairs of your tail are stuck to your wounds. Caked in with the dried blood.”

“Damn it. Okay, well, then... p-pull them out.”

“But that’ll hurt.”

“Well, duh! I know it’ll hurt but they don’t belong in there so they’ll have to come out sooner or later. Just... do it slowly.”

“All right... Here I go.”

Silver Spoon grimaced as she slid her left forehoof underneath Diamond Tiara’s tail and slowly moved it upward, pulling the hairs out from the crusty and semi-crusty dried blood atop her cuts.

“Ow,” said Diamond Tiara. “Ow-ow-ow-owowowow OWWWW!! STOP!!” Silver Spoon quickly released Diamond Tiara’s tail. “Stop-stop-stop-stop-ow-ow-ow... ow... rut.”

“I’m sorry. I did it as gently as I could.”

“It’s all right. I’m not angry with you. Celestia, Luna and Cadance, that hurts so rutting much. Okay, take another look. How bad is it?”

“Well, some of them are light... but some of them look like they might need to be stitched closed. ”

“Rut. Well, I’m going to get the final number of stitches I need... and I’ll make sure to shove that number of chalkboard pointers up Miss Cheerilee’s plothole.” She did a double take as she noticed the mark on Silver’s face.

“Did she hit you in the face with that pointer?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Yeah. Just once. I might need some stitches myself.”

Diamond Tiara frowned.

“That rutting bitch, hitting my friend. She’ll pay for this with her life. You’ll see.”

“Let’s get you hosed off behind the schoolhouse so we can go see Nurse Redheart at Ponyville hospital.”

“Okay.”

“And while you’re getting treated, I’ll run over to Carousel Boutique and see if Rarity has any foal-sized dresses to cover up your injuries.”

“All right.” Diamond Tiara took a step forward and winced. “Ow...” She stopped walking.

“What is it?”

“My cuts – they make walking hurt.”

Silver Spoon lay on the floor and looked up at Diamond Tiara.

“All aboard the Diamond Spoon Express.”

Diamond Tiara grinned. She didn’t even have to ask her friend for her help.

“Thanks.” She stepped gingerly over Silver Spoon and lay across her back. When she was still, Silver Spoon lifted her off the ground and carried her toward the front door. “You know that my pee is probably on your coat now, right?”

“So is your blood... but I don’t care about that. The hose will wash it off. It’s not like you peed directly on me.”

Diamond Tiara smirked.

“Give me fifty bits... and I will.”

Silver Spoon stopped walking and sputtered with laughter. Diamond Tiara laughed as well.

“Don’t make me laugh when I’m carrying you!” said Silver Spoon, punctuating her demand with a hoof stomp. “Do you want me to fall down the stairs and drop you?”

“Oh, rut, that would hurt so damned much. I’ll be quiet then.”

Silver Spoon successfully navigated the stairs with her friend on her back and she began the trip behind the schoolhouse to get to the garden hose.

“Forty,” stated Silver Spoon.

“Fifty,” shot back Diamond Tiara.

“Forty-five and that’s my final offer.”

“Fifty. This is high quality pee I’m selling here. Fresh from the source!”

Both fillies giggled.

“Hey, Silver?”

“Yeah?”

Diamond Tiara hesitated.

“Do you think I deserved what Cheerilee did to me?”

Silver Spoon stopped walking.

“Oh, no, Di...” said Silver Spoon sympathetically as she turned her head to look Diamond Tiara in the eye. “I would never think such a thing; not in a million years. No foal deserves what she did to you... but...”

“But?”

Silver Spoon hesitated.

“But... I think Cheerilee deserved what you did to her even less.”

She continued walking to the hose in silence.

Diamond Tiara matched her friend’s silence.

Contumacy

With hearts as heavy as horses, the Cutie Mark Crusaders sniffled and sobbed as they trudged down the street side by side on their way to their respective homes. Prior to their departure from the schoolhouse, Sweetie Belle suggested that they follow Mayor Mare all the way back to Cheerilee’s house but that idea was shot down by both Apple Bloom and Scootaloo who knew that Cheerilee’s road to recovery would not benefit from the addition of a trio of fillies hovering over her. This was an adult problem that required an adult solution and knowing that they could do nothing to help somepony they loved only furthered their grief.

“I didn’t know that Miss Cheerilee couldn’t have foals,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Nopony other than her doctor an’ her immediate family was supposed ta know about that,” said Apple Bloom.

“I never saw Miss Cheerilee cry before,” whimpered Scootaloo. “It was the saddest thing I ever saw. It broke my heart.”

“Mine, too,” whimpered Sweetie Belle.

“Mine, three,” whimpered Apple Bloom.

“And now she’s gone for good,” said Scootaloo. “Right? I mean, there’s no way that she’ll be allowed to teach in Ponyville again after this, is there?”

“Not a snowball’s chance in Tartarus,” said Apple Bloom.

“Easy, Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie Belle. “With the kind of luck we’ve had, I wouldn’t be surprised if Granny Smith was just around the corner and heard you swear.”

“Ah know. It just flies off mah tongue when ah’m mad.” Apple Bloom cleared her throat and swallowed. “Did y’all see all that blood tricklin’ down Diamond Tiara's butt when she got busted open?”

“Yeah.” Scootaloo wrinkled her nose as she recalled the attack. “I wanted so badly to see Diamond Tiara get punished for being so mean... and when Miss Cheerilee started to whip her, I was all ‘You go, Miss Cheerilee!’... but then she kept on going and going and then I saw the blood and I thought to myself ‘Stop. Please stop’. I don’t get it. Even after everything that Diamond Tiara did, I still felt sorry for her and I don’t know why!”

“It was because you had a conscience,” said Sweetie Belle. “It bothered you because you’re a good pony. Don’t be hard on yourself over that.”

“I... I was even gonna step in like Silver Spoon tried to do... because it felt like the right thing to do – like something that Rainbow Dash would do, y’know? And then when Miss Cheerilee hit Silver Spoon in the face with that pointer, I got so scared that she might hit me if I stepped in that I froze up.”

“Same here,” said Apple Bloom. “An’ it woulda killed me if she’d’ve hit one o’ us.”

“I thought the same thing,” said Sweetie Belle.

“So did I,” said Scootaloo.

“Have you guys ever noticed how often we have the same opinion?”

“What are you talking about? We disagree on stuff all the time.”

As Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo took the conversation in a different direction, Apple Bloom seethed with anger as she focused on the pony responsible for this whole mess: Diamond Tiara.

“We agree on things way more often than we disagree on them.”

“No, we don’t.”

“Yes, we do.”

“No, we don’t. Do you know how many ‘me too’s and ‘me three’s I’ve said? That we’ve all said?”

“When was the last time we disagreed on something?”

“Just yesterday.”

“We didn’t disagree on anything yesterday.”

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Did too.”

“Did not.”

“Here’s a different thought for y’all,” blurted Apple Bloom. “Ah’m gonna beat the manure out o’ Diamond Tiara next time ah lay eyes on her.”

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle looked at each other and then looked back at Apple Bloom. Anypony who witnessed Diamond Tiara's whipping knew that the pink filly was going to need medical attention for her injuries. She had received the wages of her sin twenty times over.

“You're not serious, are you?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Ah'm super serious,” said Apple Bloom. “The biyutch couldn’t be satisfied takin’ our dignity from us. She had ta go an’ take the best teacher in the world away from us, too.”

“Yeah, but beating her up...” said Scootaloo. "I don't think that’s such a good idea. After what happened today-”

“Ah think it’s a great idea especially after what happened today. She got Twist killed, she made Miss Cheerilee cry, cost her her job, insulted Scootaloo and mah family... and she spat on my flank! Well, now it’s high time ta see how good she is at spittin’ teeth!”

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo were silent for a while.

“But you will stop beating her up, right?” asked Scootaloo. “I mean, you're not planning on pulling a Miss Cheerilee on her, are you?”

Apple Bloom didn't offer a reply.

“Apple Bloom,” called out Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo looked at one another with no small amount of concern over the determined look upon their friend's countenance and the disturbing silence that accompanied it.

“Yeah, ah'll stop,” replied an irritated Apple Bloom. “But not until she begs me fer mercy – an’ then apologizes ta everypony fer being such a ruttin’ cuntwagon.”

“Language, Apple Bloom,” warned Scootaloo.

“Aren't you gonna wait until she’s healed up from her injuries first?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom stopped walking. She walked ahead of Sweetie Belle and turned to face her, blocking the unicorn’s path and bringing their journey to a halt.

“Ah'm sorry,” said Apple Bloom snidely, “but that’s twice now that somethin’ soundin’ like sympathy fer Diamond Tiara is comin’ out o’ yer mouths.”

“W-Would it be so bad if that’s what it was?” asked Sweetie Belle as her eyes grew glossy with tears.

“Weren’tcha payin' attention?” Apple Bloom frowned at Sweetie Belle. "Didn’tcha hear the way she spoke ta Miss Cheerilee? She drove her ta attack her! She was practic’ly beggin’ fer a lickin’ an’ she got one! An’ now Miss Cheerilee’s been fired an’ might even go ta jail fer all we know. So ah’m gonna show Diamond Tiara-”

“MERCYYY!” cried Sweetie Belle. She threw herself at Apple Bloom’s forelegs and held them as she wept on her friend's forehooves.

Apple Bloom was struck speechless by Sweetie Belle’s plea. Begging on behalf of Diamond Tiara was something that she never thought she’d witness from Sweetie Belle. The little unicorn’s tears had a way of softening her heart more than her own anger had a way of hardening it.

“Please don’t beat up Diamond Tiara, Apple Bloom,” whimpered Sweetie Belle. “Cheerilee did – and look where it got her. I don’t want violence to take you away from us, too. Beating up Diamond Tiara is either gonna get you expelled or arrested or both and it won’t get Miss Cheerilee her job back. And what if Silver Spoon decides to get back at you for it by attacking you, huh? Or what if she attacks Scootaloo? Or me? If Silver Spoon breaks one of my legs, are you gonna break two of hers? And then will Diamond Tiara break three of Scootaloo’s? Violence only creates more violence!”

“Says the filly who gets violent with me every other day,” said Scootaloo.

“I’m talking, dodo!” growled a frowning Sweetie Belle as she turned her head to face Scootaloo and shook her forehoof at her. “Interrupt me again and I’ll wallop you.” She relaxed her expression and returned her attention to Apple Bloom. “You’re hurting. I’m hurting, too... probably worse than either of you guys. I love Miss Cheerilee. She was the best teacher ever and I'm gonna miss her... but no matter how much any of us loved her, she crossed a line that nopony should ever cross. I won’t let anger take control of somepony else I love if I can help it. I don’t want to see anypony else get hurt. After sitting through that horsewhipping, I’ve had my fill of violence.”

“You had your eyes covered during the horsewhipping almost the whole time,” noted Scootaloo after waiting for Sweetie Belle to finish her thought.

“So?” asked Sweetie Belle, turning her head once again to face Scootaloo. “I still sat through it.”

Apple Bloom averted her eyes, inhaled deeply and released her breath with a huffy sigh.

“If you’re asking me ta forgive her,” said Apple Bloom, “then you’re wastin’ yer time. But... if you’re askin’ me ta let her off the hook... then... ah’ll do it just this once – fer you.”

“Thanks,” said Sweetie Belle. She stood up and gave Apple Bloom a warm hug which was returned in kind. Scootaloo’s sappy sentiment detector went off and she slowly sidled out of reach so as not to draw attention to herself.

“Sometimes ah think yer love could prevent a war,” said Apple Bloom, grinning as she still held Sweetie Belle in her forelegs.

“How do you know that that isn’t what just happened?” asked Sweetie Belle rhetorically as a smile lingered on her face from the compliment. She caught sight of Scootaloo out of the corner of her eye and she frowned at her emotionally distant pegasus friend. “Well, this sure feels depressingly familiar. Get over here, poodle noodle!”

“I don’t do happy hugs,” said Scootaloo, closing her eyes and stretching her wings. “They clash with my awesomeness.”

“I'll remember to tell Rainbow Dash that the next time I see her.”

“That was so funny I forgot to laugh.”

Sweetie Belle released Apple Bloom and continued her walk down the road that would lead them to the fork where Apple Bloom would turn to head back to Sweet Apple Acres. Scootaloo and Apple Bloom followed.

“Hey,” said Apple Bloom. “What if we start a petition ta raise awareness o’ what happened ta Miss Cheerilee? The outpour o’ support might help ta get her cleared o’ criminal charges. Ah know it’s a long shot but ah can’t just sit around doin’ nothin’.”

“Nothing involving Diamond Tiara will get printed in the Ponyville Express, remember?” asked Scootaloo. “Miss Cheerilee’s firing involved Diamond Tiara in a big way.”

“Ah know that. Ah was thinking o’ goin’ door-to-door.”

Scootaloo shook her head.

“They’d want to know what got Miss Cheerilee angry enough to snap,” she said, “and we’d have to explain how Diamond Tiara spilled the beans about Miss Cheerilee’s surgery. It would get everypony on her side but then we’d be the ones spilling the beans about her surgery. I don’t think that’s our story to tell any more than it was Diamond Tiara’s.”

“And I don’t think public opinion even matters in cases like this,” said Sweetie Belle. “Filthy Rich will press charges against Miss Cheerilee no matter what anypony says.”

“Dang it,” mumbled Apple Bloom. “Well, it’s a last resort... but ah think it’s time we swallow our Crusader pride an’ talk ta our big sisters and honorary big sister. If there’s a solution ta this problem, ah want it no matter where it comes from.”

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle nodded. They frowned as they caught sight of one another.

“We do not agree on things more often than we disagree on them,” said Scootaloo.

“Yes, we do,” said Sweetie Belle.

“No, we don’t.”

“Yes, we do.”

“No, we don’t.”

“Guys! Can’t y’all just agree ta disagree?” asked Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle replied to Apple Bloom’s question simultaneously with a yes and a no respectively.

Apple Bloom hung her head and pined for the company of her favorite cousin Babs, the least annoying Cutie Mark Crusader.

Mayor Mare peeked through the window blinds of Cheerilee’s house for the hundredth time, wondering how much longer the covered wagon that she had sent her pegasus associates to summon for her would take to arrive. She was looking after Cheerilee who was lying motionless on the couch. The former teacher stared at the ceiling, lost in thought.

“Well,” said Mayor Mare as she walked away from the window, “Filthy Rich will definitely be withdrawing his contribution for my reelection campaign next year for not having his daughter’s attacker arrested – but I don’t care. Right now, you need counseling from trained professionals more than you need a holding cell.”

“Actually,” said Cheerilee grimly, “I need food more than anything. I skipped breakfast and now I’m starved.”

“You just lie there and relax. I’ll make you something to eat with what you have available here in your kitchen.”

“Don’t bother. I’m in the mood for a Hayburger.” Cheerilee sat up slowly.

“And you’ll get what I make for you.” Mayor Mare approached Cheerilee and held out her right forehoof. “Please lie back down. Mayor’s orders.”

Cheerilee frowned.

“So I’m under house arrest, am I?” asked Cheerilee as she returned to the couch.

“Try not to think of it that way. Think of it as... a daytime slumber party for two.”

Cheerilee closed her eyes.

“Oh, how wonderful!” she declared sarcastically. “A slumber party! We can have s’mores and give each other makeovers and tell scary stories. Have you heard the one about the terrifying teacher who assaulted the children of two of the wealthiest ponies in Equestria, did seven years of hard time and had no job, family or residence waiting for her when she got out?”

“Cheerilee...”

“Well, it’s very scary; the scariest one I know.”

“You’re not going to jail.”

“So you say. Who are these trained professionals that are supposedly going to help me, anyway?”

“There’s a top notch facility by the name of Bluegrass Groves. You’ll have counselors keeping an eye on you twenty-four seven. I took a tour around the grounds myself. It’s absolutely gorgeous; as green and peaceful as a public park. You’ll receive the finest treatment available. They’ll give you the help you need... and best of all, it won’t cost you a cent. I’ve got you covered.”

Cheerilee raised an eyebrow.

“I’ve been in Ponyville all my life,” she said, “and I’ve never heard of a retreat called Bluegrass Groves.”

Mayor Mare hesitated.

“I’m... not surprised that you haven’t heard of it. It’s in... Hoofington, actually.”

Cheerilee’s eyes grew wide.

“Hoofington?” she asked. Her brow lowered as she understood what was going on. “A nuthouse. Bluegrass Groves is a nuthouse. You’re having me institutionalized. I can’t believe this.”

“What do you want me to do, Cheer? Pretend that I didn’t witness you asphyxiating a foal whose behind you beat bloody? I am your friend... and I am trying my best to help you but, dear Celestia, you sure as manure did not throw me an easy one. You assaulted Diamond Tiara with an intent to kill and you injured Silver Spoon. That poor filly was frantic with worry when I found her. Some ruffians even took advantage of her impaired vision by touching her inappropriately.”

“More action than I’ve had.”

“That is not even remotely funny. The Cheerilee I knew would be ashamed of herself for making light of a filly being sexually molested.” Mayor Mare fiddled with her collar as she averted her eyes. “She... told me why you snapped. I had heard that Filthy Rich’s little girl had a mean streak in her but I had no idea. There is a bright side to this mess, however. The hospital has a responsibility to protect a pony’s personal medical information so as to keep somepony from using it against them maliciously the way Diamond Tiara did. I know a very good lawyer. He’ll serve the hospital with a lawsuit on your behalf. The case is too open and shut for it to go to court. You’ll receive a settlement for your pain and suffering. I couldn’t tell you if it will be large enough for you to be set for life but it should be substantial enough to-”

“Substantial enough for me to start a new life in Hoofington and disappear from the collective memory of Ponyville voters,” said Cheerilee. “Bluegrass Groves doesn’t sound like an inexpensive establishment. You say you’re helping me but who are you really helping by sending me there?”

Mayor Mare swallowed and shifted her jaw.

“You want me to give it to you straight? Fine. I’m a public servant, Cheer. I mean no disrespect by saying so but my job is a little more high profile than that of a schoolteacher, even one as decorated as yourself. You know I can’t be seen sipping tea and eating cakes with a known out-of-control foal abuser. You’re a careermare-”

“Correction: I was a careermare.”

“Fair enough. You were a careermare. You know that my image is crucial to my position. When my constituents find out that I spirited you away rather than contact a law enforcement officer, it would be a modern day miracle if they don’t move to impeach me. By showing you favoritism, I may have already put my political career in jeopardy. I couldn’t stop you from throwing your career away but please don’t fault me for wanting to protect my own.”

“I'm not leaving Ponyville, Anita.”

“Yes, you are. And when you finally grasp the reality of this situation as any adult would be able to do, you’ll see that you don’t have much choice in the matter. The voters have had a pretty firm stance against having a prison constructed in Ponyville even before my first term so I’ve vetoed the construction of one every time it passes my desk. When you’re tried, I'll have no choice but to appear on the witness stand and testify against you. And when you're convicted, which I guarantee will happen, you’ll be taken from Ponyville and sent to a prison in either Baltimare or Fillydelphia. So, yes, Cheerilee, by hook or by crook, you are leaving Ponyville. It’s just a matter of how you want to do it." Mayor Mare abandoned her sterner tone in favor of a gentler one. "But I don’t want you to go to prison and I doubt that you want to go there. The Bluegrass Groves staff are on their way to this house as we speak. It would break my heart to see them have to subdue you and put you in a straitjacket so when they arrive, please just go with them peacefully. Once you’re in their custody, the Ponyville police won’t be able to extradite you. In time, you might be given a clean bill of mental health and they’ll release you.”

“And how long will that take? A month? Two? Five? A year? Several years?”

“Your recovery time is entirely up to you. The doctors there have the most successful track record in all of Equestria. I just know they’ll have you back to your old self in no time. But once you’re released... I’m afraid that Ponyville will be off limits to you. I’m paying the bill for your recovery out of my own pocket. If you start over in a new town, I would consider that debt paid in full.”

Cheerilee closed her eyes. Before long, she would either have to surrender her freedom or have it taken from her by force. She took in a breath of sweet free air, held it for a moment, and then released it.

“Will you at least visit me while I’m in recovery?” she asked.

Mayor Mare hesitated.

“I... don’t know,” she said. “Maybe I can later. I want to say yes but I don’t want to make any promises I can’t keep. But I’ll write you every day. That much I can promise.”

“Ah, the stage magic of friendship,” scoffed Cheerilee.

Mayor Mare snorted.

“That’s not fair, Cheer! You know that I wish I could do more – I truly do – but under the circumstances, this is the best that I can manage without soiling my own nest. To be perfectly blunt, apart from prison, you have no other options. So. You and I are going to sit here like two civilized mares and enjoy each other’s company until the Bluegrass Groves wagon shows up to escort you to their facility. End. Of. Discussion. Now, how about that food? I’m getting a bit hungry myself.”

Mayor Mare opened up Cheerilee’s refrigerator and rummaged through the food items to see what she could make. She found a loaf of bread and a carton of duck eggs. She removed it from the refrigerator and held the carton up for Cheerilee to see.

“How do you like your eggs?”

Cheerilee flinched.

Eggs.

“I wouldn’t know,” said Cheerilee pointedly. “I’ve never had any before.”

Wounded by the verbal jab that her friend took at her, Mayor Mare’s eyes opened wide and she blinked as she stared into Cheerilee’s eyes. In all the years they had been friends, Cheerilee had never once blamed Mayor Mare for the injury that claimed her fertility.

Until now.

“Would you like to know what I have had?” continued Cheerilee. She rose from the couch and walked to the kitchen where she opened the door to one of the higher cabinets. She removed a small orange vial with a white cap from the shelf. She placed it on her kitchen table and looked at Mayor Mare. “These. I have had to put one of these horse pills down my throat every morning since I was a foal just so that I could grow up with a libido like any other normal young mare. Without them, I would have no sex drive and my vagina would be as dry as the San Palomino Desert.”

“Cheer, I-”

“But this is just the star of the show.” Cheerilee’s voice took on a chipper tone which was obviously staged for sarcasm. “Let me introduce you to the supporting cast which I’ve also had to swallow ad nauseum.”

Cheerilee returned to her cabinet and gathered over a dozen more vials of various sizes, examining them as she cradled them in her forelegs before setting each one on the table as she spoke.

“Let’s see,” she said. “This one’s for the headaches that the first one gives me, this one’s for nausea, this one’s for lowering my high blood pressure, this one’s to fight osteoporosis, this one's for my iron poor blood, this one’s for the depression that comes from taking all of them, this one’s for helping me get to sleep and this one – you know, I don't even remember what this one is supposed to do but I’m told that I should take it... so I do. Why not, right? What’s one more tablet? I’m Cheerilee, the happiest, sweetest, most accommodating mare in Ponyville. I do what I’m told.”

Cheerilee growled as she flipped the table, sending the vials of medicine flying through the air and clattering on to the floor. Mayor Mare grimaced and stepped out of the way of the table as it rolled across the kitchen floor on its edge.

“Bluegrass Groves will provide these for me during my stay,” shouted Cheerilee, “but once I’m released and my settlement money runs out, how the rut am I supposed to afford all of these Celestia damned drugs without my insurance or my job?!” She walked back to the couch and laid back down with a worried scowl on her face. Her chest rose and fell as ragged breaths raced through her nostrils. Her eyes began to glisten with tears as she pouted. “My meds make me miserable – but I’m not a mare without them.”

Mayor Mare walked over to Cheerilee.

“Cheer,” said Mayor Mare. “I know that you’ve had an extremely stressful day but please listen to me.” The mayor spoke slowly and carefully. “I was once a very immature and ignorant little foal who carried a chip on her shoulder the size of Equestria because she didn’t have a mother or father. I hated myself. I didn’t know how to cope with my anger and sadness so I picked on you and anypony else I thought I could get away with pushing around. After the accident, when you and I buried the hatchet thirtysomething years ago, you swore to me that you wouldn’t hold your injury against me. I don’t mean to throw this in your face but since you insist on digging up the past, I distinctly remember you saying that it was your own fault for attacking me first and sending us tumbling down that hill. With all due respect, it is unrealistic and unfair of you to hold something against me to this day that happened back when we were eight years old! I will always regret my actions during that time in my life as well as what those actions wound up costing you – but I am through apologizing for them. The filly responsible for those actions is long gone and in her place is a mature adult who loves you and cares about you. So I beg of you... please don’t try to hurt me with guilt... and for Celestia’s sake, please don’t refuse the help that I’m offering you.”

Cheerilee sniffled.

“I’m sorry,” she whimpered as she wiped her eyes. “Don’t listen to me, Anita. I’m just being a big baby. You’re right. I have had a stressful day. I’m scared. I don't see a light at the end of this tunnel I’m in and I’m scared to death. You win. I'll do it your way. I could use a respite to get my head together... and Bluegrass Groves does sound lovely. I appreciate you sticking your neck out for me as far as you have. I should be showing you some gratitude and here I am taking out my frustrations on you. I had no right to bring up my injury to try to hurt you. I’m so sorry. Can you ever forgive me?”

Mayor Mare grinned.

“I already have, Cheer,” she replied. “I only want you to get better.”

The two friends hugged as Cheerilee sniffled.

“Tell you what,” said Cheerilee, clearing her throat and swallowing. “Why don’t I make us some food while you pick up the mess from my temper tantrum?”

“Sounds like a plan,” said Mayor Mare with a grin.

“What would you like to eat?" asked Cheerilee as she walked toward the stove. "I’ve got cereal, toast... I could even make an omelet.”

“Ehh... Surprise me.”

After setting the table back on its legs, Mayor Mare started picking the vials up from the floor with her mouth and set them back on the table top one by one.

By the time she had placed the sixth vial on the table, the back of Mayor Mare’s head met suddenly and violently with a heavy iron skillet that Cheerilee swung at her.

The mayor collapsed onto the kitchen floor with a thud.

Cheerilee returned the skillet to the nail sticking out of the wall next to the other skillets she had suspended there.

“Surprise,” said Cheerilee with an ice cold frown. “I’m. Not. Leaving. Ponyville. I’m not going out with a whimper; not when I can go out with a...”

Cheerilee cut herself off.

“...stallion...”

The word left Cheerilee’s mouth with a moment of clarity behind it followed by a dollop of inspiration. Her mouth hung open and she furrowed her brow as her eyes darted about, looking at nothing in particular. She shifted her jaw and her eyes slowly grew wide as though she had just stumbled across an idea and was working out its logistics. A mischievous smile kidnapped her features, making her look cherubic and devilish simultaneously.

“It could work,” she said. “I've certainly got nothing to lose. Enjoy your nap, Anita. I think I’ll go for a walk. Don’t wait up for me.”

Cheerilee galloped for the door, opened it, and ran out as fast as she could.

Helping Hoof, assistant manager for the Ponyville location of Rich's Barnyard Bargains, was taking down an empty freestanding shelf display in the middle of the store as dozens of customers passed by. He had worked with these displays hundreds of times and they never got any easier to disassemble for some reason. He looked to his left and saw the familiar face of a stallion who was approaching him.

“Mr. Rich!" said Helping Hoof. "Hi! It’s good to see you, sir.”

“Likewise, Helping Hoof," said Filthy Rich. "How are you?”

“Good, and you?"

"If I was any better, I'd be twins. Heh heh heh heh."

"I didn't know that we were on your visitation list today.”

“Oh, I’m not, officially. I just thought I’d step out of the office and drop by to see how things were going... maybe help out a bit. The Ponyville location was my first store so I have a soft spot in my heart for the old gal. It can get annoying to follow a tour schedule so rigidly. None of my secretaries or office employees even know where I am right now. I kind of like it that way sometimes; know what I mean?”

“Of course. We all like our independence.”

“I took a look at your last quarter’s reports and I saw that your sales figures and customer satisfaction rates are still way above our minimum requirements. The highest in the region, to be exact.”

“Yes, sir. I’ve got a great crew, Mr. Rich. They’re happy to be here and I’m happy to have them.”

“That’s splendid. Say, I don’t suppose you’d happen to know if any of your crew are lactose intolerant.”

“I don’t believe so. Why do you ask?”

“Because I placed an order for ten pizza pies for everypony’s lunch. The delivery pony should be by with them come noon.”

“Wow, that’s awful generous of you, Mr. Rich.”

“It’s nothing, really. It’s just a small token of my appreciation for the fine job you all do for the company.”

“Well, thank you very much, Mr. Rich. I’m sure we’ll all enjoy them.”

“Good, good. You know I’m always happy to boost morale whenever I can. Keeping my employees happy is an important part of creating a positive shopping experience for our customers.”

“I just wish I knew that you were coming so that I could have gotten an earlier start on this revision. Right now, it looks – well, messy.”

“Oh, you know, that’s all right. Here, let me help. I used to manage a retail outlet myself for my father’s store back in my younger days and I know how things can get. One can't make an omelet without breaking a few eggs."

The store's PA system paged for Helping Hoof to help out at the registers.

"You go ahead and get that," said Filthy Rich. "I'll take this beast apart for you."

"Thanks, Mr. Rich. I'll be back soon."

Filthy Rich slowly removed the last bit of stubborn framework for the display and when he removed the paneling, he saw none other than Miss Cheerilee, his daughter's teacher, standing behind it. She was smiling and Filthy Rich returned that smile the best that he could.

“Why, hello there, Miss Cheerilee!" he said. "Welcome to Rich’s Barnyard Bargains. Uh, isn’t... school still in session?”

“A substitute teacher is taking over for me," said Cheerilee. "I’m feeling a little... off today.”

“Oh, I see. I’m sorry to hear that... but it is such a pleasant surprise to see you here.”

“Thank you. You know something, Mr. Rich? It would have been inappropriate of me to tell you during your visit at Family Appreciation Day a while back but I find you to be a very handsome stallion.”

“Why, Miss Cheerilee, I do believe that you’re trying to make me blush.”

Cheerilee giggled in response.

“I understand that you’re a bachelor,” she said.

The vitality drained from Filthy Rich's face as he recalled the details surrounding his bachelorhood.

“Yes, that’s right," he said in a less enthusiastic tone than before. "My uhh... my wife and I separated just a few years after Diamond Tiara was born." He cast his eyes downward as he spoke. "It’s still a bit of a sore subject, actually.”

“I’m so sorry," said Cheerilee. "I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“That’s all right." His mood picked up from where it left off earlier. "My marriage may have been a bust but because of it, I’ve been blessed with a lovely daughter.”

“Ooh, yes, she’s... quite lovely.”

“Listen, Miss Cheerilee..." Filthy Rich looked from side to side to see if anypony was listening to the conversation. "I hope you understand that I did what I had to do to get my daughter out of trouble with the law. I heard that the girl who lost her life in the train accident was very special to you. I trust there are no hard feelings?”

“Oh, no, I understand completely. It’s what I would do for my own child if I... had one. I'll miss her but I still have plenty of other wonderful students such as your daughter to nurture into bright, promising young adults. You must love her very much.”

“Keeping her happy is why I work so hard every day. Everything you see here is all for her. Now, is there anything I can help you find? I’d be happy to help you myself. I’ve got all the time in the world. I haven’t got all the money in the world – but I’m working on that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

“Ha ha ha ha ha! Ahhhhhhh. You are so funny. And yes, I would love your help. I’m looking for an earth pony stallion.”

“Is he employed here? I can page him for you.”

Cheerilee shook her head.

“He’s not an employee,” she said. “I’ll describe him for you.” Cheerilee placed her right forehoof up to the top of Filthy Rich’s head. “He’s about this tall...” She placed both of her forehooves on either side of his shoulders. “He’s about this wide...” She set her forehooves back down and brandished a pair of disarming bedroom eyes. “He’s very handsome... he’s a bachelor... he’s got all the time in the world... and he’d be very happy to take a lonely, single mare to a hotel for a few hours and show her a good time. Do you have an earth pony stallion here matching that description, Mr. Rich?” asked Cheerilee, batting her eyelashes and grinning like a vixen in a chicken coop.

Filthy Rich gulped and cleared his throat.

“As a matter of fact, I do," he replied with a wide smile. "We here at Rich’s Barnyard Bargains aim to please our customers any way we can.”

“Satisfaction...”

“...guaaarannnteeeed.”

Cheerilee and Filthy Rich headed toward the exit when Cheerilee suddenly stopped short.

“Oh,” she muttered as she looked behind her with a look of concern. She patted her saddlebag as if to assess whether or not it contained something she needed.

“Is something wrong?” asked Filthy Rich.

“You know, I meant to pick up a few things for the house... but I seem to have left my wallet in my other saddlebag at home. Is there any way that you could spot me for them? I’m good for it – and I’d be ever so grateful.” She nuzzled Filthy Rich's neck affectionately with her snout.

“W-What kind of gentlestallion would I be if I didn’t help out the occasional damsel in distress? What did you need?”

“A livestock shackle, some duct tape – and a croquet mallet.”

“I happen to know exactly where all three of those items are located. Wait right here and I’ll be back in two shakes.”

Cheerilee grinned as Filthy Rich galloped off to collect the items that she requested. When he was out of sight, the grin melted from her face. If all went according to plan, this would be an afternoon that the father of the filly who ruined her life – as well as the other residents of Ponyville – would not soon forget.

“Is Mr. Rich here?” asked a Barnyard Bargains employee.

“He was but he just left,” said Helping Hoof. “You missed him by a few minutes.”

“Do you know where he went?”

“No. I think he left with some mare. Why?”

“His daughter was attacked in school earlier today. She’s been injured and the authorities have been trying to get in touch with him to let him know.”

“But she’s still alive?”

“Yeah. I think so.”

“Too bad. That brat of his is a spoiled rotten bitch. If I wouldn’t get fired or arrested for it, I’d kick her plot myself. Oh, hey, we’ve got free pizza coming at noon.”

“Sweet!”

Confectionery

Trembling and smiling from ear to ear, Cheerilee breathed heavily through her mouth as the pleasure from the most recent of several climaxes that Filthy Rich had coaxed from her sweat-covered body had reached its peak and was now slowly starting to ebb away. The hotel bed that they had used with great enthusiasm for the past hour lurched one last time as Filthy Rich rolled to his left and lay down on the spot beside his magenta coated partner, in need of a breather after having spent a great deal of energy in the pursuit of their mutual pleasure.

“How was it that time?” asked Filthy Rich as he removed the condom.

“Ahhhh,” sighed Cheerilee contentedly as she basked in the afterglow. “Every bit as good as the first six times. I’m beyond satisfied.”

“I’m so happy to hear you say that.” Filthy Rich turned on his side and placed a kiss on Cheerilee’s right shoulder. “It’s been so long since I’ve been with a mare that I was afraid I’d lost my touch.”

“Richie, sweetie, if that was your B game you brought, I doubt that I’d survive your A game. I have to raise the white flag, though. As wonderful as this has been, I need to take a break and cool down.”

“That’s fine by me. I’m partial to a nice post-coital cuddle, anyway.” Filthy Rich snuggled up against Cheerilee, placed his foreleg across her chest and nuzzled her gently. “We didn’t do very much talking so why don't we talk now?”

Cheerilee grinned and closed her eyes.

“What would you like to talk about?” she asked teasingly.

“Well, this, naturally; about where we stand.”

“Mmm. After seven orgasms, I don’t know if I can stand at all.”

Filthy Rich chuckled softly.

“You know what I meant,” he said. “If you just wanted this to be a one time thing, I could deal with that. Or if you wanted to do this on a regular basis, I’d be even happier to oblige you. You’ve definitely got my vote for more of this. But... if you wanted to turn this into something official, we could start dating. I know it’s putting the cart before the horse but I’d be willing to give it a go. You’re a fine, upstanding citizen of Ponyville, just like me. Being seen dating the town schoolteacher would help my image far more than dating some empty-headed supermodel. And Diamond Tiara’s rather protective of me so I expect she’ll be more accepting of the idea if I’m dating a mare who she already knows and respects.”

Cheerilee couldn't contain her amusement.

“HA!”

Hearing Diamond Tiara’s name brought Cheerilee back down from cloud nine. She didn’t seduce Filthy Rich to become his love interest. She seduced him so that she could scratch sex off of her bucket list and to set the stage for giving Diamond Tiara a taste of what it was like to know the kind of suffering that comes with loss. The sex had been an exhilarating diversion but the time for fun had come to an end.

“Did I... say something funny?”

“If you actually believe that your daughter respects me, then she’s doing a better job of pulling the wool over your eyes than I thought.”

“How has she been disrespectful to you?”

“For one thing, she’s been using your influence with the conniving toadies in the school board as leverage over me so that they’d second guess my disciplinary calls against her until I’m either fined into the poor house or fired. It’s my word against hers but since her words have the backing of a multimillionaire, I’m left out in the cold. And today alone, she undermined my authority in front of my class, damaged some irreplaceable personal property of mine, humiliated me by revealing some highly sensitive medical information of mine to my students – was there anything else? There was definitely something else. Oh, yes, and she insinuated that I was a whore.”

Filthy Rich sat up and looked at Cheerilee in disbelief.

“What?” he asked.

“You seem incredulous,” said Cheerilee. “Why am I not surprised that you’re oblivious to her shenanigans? She doesn’t tell you the whole truth. Why would she? The truth might actually get you involved in her upbringing. She paid the price for meddling with me, though. I made sure of that. She paid in blood.”

Filthy Rich’s face took on a pallid hue as fear trickled down his spine.

“Cheerilee... what are you talking about?" he asked apprehensively. "What blood’?”

Cheerilee’s forehead and nose wrinkled as she scowled.

“She kept pushing me and pushing me,” she said, “until I finally pushed back. I lost it. I lost my patience... my job... and I lost count – of how many times I struck her, that is. I spanked your child’s buttocks raw with my chalkboard pointer. Hard enough to break the skin, too. In all my years of teaching, I’ve never wanted to strike a child but that girl of yours is no child. She is a demon in equine form and damned if she didn’t turn me into a demon, too. She screamed and cried during her beating but that didn’t stop me. I think Diamond Tiara might even have cried out for you once – as though you could hear her or help her; as though your board meetings and power lunches have ever taken a backseat to monitoring her behavior with anything other than a passing interest.”

Cheerilee paused as she stared at the ceiling. Her body quivered with giddiness at this long overdue parent/teacher debriefing.

With his mouth hanging open and pupils that had narrowed to the size of raisins, Filthy Rich slowly moved backwards toward the edge of the bed, away from the mare whose words had horrified him like nothing else before them.

“She was so terrified by the beating I gave her that she even urinated on my desk,” continued Cheerilee. “Can you imagine what must have been going through her mind as she relieved herself in front of the rest of her classmates? I wouldn’t be surprised if she requested to be home schooled from now on so as to avoid being teased about her loss of bladder control. Children can be so cruel. Your daughter’s living proof of that. By the time I was done beating her, her plot was shredded into ribbons and she bled from her wounds like it was going out of style. After that, I gave her a good talking to so that she understood why I whipped her – and then I squeezed her windpipe closed with the pointer. And right before I could do the world a favor by sending the little piece of manure to Tartaros where she belongs, I was stopped.”

Cheerilee smiled as her mood shifted from grim to upbeat.

“And speaking of favors,” she chirped in her trademark bubbly voice, “as I happen to be out of a job at the moment, I was hoping that I could get a position with your company. We could conduct a job interview right now if you’ve got some time. Are you game? Excellent! Now then, an entry level position is fine if that’s all you have available but I’m always interested in advancement. I can start immediately, I have a can-do attitude, I’ve got quite a bit of experience in the field of management...” Cheerilee tilted her head and flashed a warm grin that belied her earlier violent admission. “And I just love children.”

Filthy Rich began an ungainly backward stagger away from the stranger with whom he had just had intimate relations. His eyes glistened with tears as he pictured his baby crying out in pain from the injuries that Cheerilee claimed to have inflicted on her.

“Awww, leaving already?” asked Cheerilee. “Oh well. As long as you’re out, you should at least pretend to be a competent parent and go check on your baby girl. She’s probably at the Ponyville Hospital right now receiving emergency medical treatment for her wounds. I’m sure she’ll put some kind of spin on her version of the story to absolve herself of blame and perpetuate the myth that she’s just Daddy’s Innocent Little Angel. And since she’s had so much experience at playing you like a fiddle, I’m sure you’ll buy what she's selling just as you always have.” Cheerilee looked around the room. “You know, it seems like such a waste to vacate the room so early in the day so I think I’ll lounge around and take a nap. You don't mind, do you? I’ll be right here waiting for you in case you get hot for teacher again.”

Filthy Rich’s plot bumped against the door as his retreat had finally brought him to the exit. He fumbled for the doorknob behind him while keeping his eye on Cheerilee. Once the door was open, he turned and ran outside.

Cheerilee frowned.

“I trust there are no hard feelings,” she said out loud.

Cheerilee rose from the bed and walked to the door. She made certain that the Do Not Disturb sign was still in place on the doorknob and then closed the door without locking it. She walked over to the windows and pulled the blinds closed. She then walked over to the lamp and turned it on. She tilted it at an angle that shone the most light on the easy chair where the items that Filthy Rich had purchased for her lay. She took the croquet mallet and set it on the floor handle end up leaning against the easy chair. With the light from the lamp shining on it, the mallet was now the most visible and easily accessible item in the room.

She collected the duct tape and the shackle and walked over to the radiator where she then took a seat. She tore off a medium sized piece of duct tape and carefully set the tape sticky side up on the carpet beside the radiator. She attached the steel ring around her neck and clamped it shut, locking it in the process. She wrapped the other end of the chain around the base of the radiator and locked it. She tugged on the chain to make sure it was secure. It was. She then picked up the key to the shackle’s lock. Without it, she wasn’t going anywhere. She threw the key across the room where it struck a table leg and bounced back to her. She rolled her eyes, picked the key up and tossed it lightly this time. It landed flat on the carpet and stayed there, out of her reach. She then moved her neck back and forth, tugging on the chain in order to bruise her neck.

She lay on her side and proceeded to wrap her hind legs with duct tape at the ankles, forming cuffs that bound her legs together. She did the same to her forelegs by using her mouth, the only tool left to her. Once she was completely bound, she tossed the roll away. She attempted to pull her legs apart but the tape was strong. She couldn’t budge. She tried again and again, not to free herself but to give herself bruises along her wrists and ankles.

Convincing bruises.

She then urinated on herself for good measure. She would be doing so involuntarily soon enough so she felt that she might as well do it of her own free will – one last time.

She then looked at the strip of tape she left on the floor.

“Let’s see,” she muttered. “Last words, last words... Rut you, Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. My only regret is that I don’t have the time to rut both of you over. Oh, and sorry for the mess I’ll be sticking you with, hotel cleaning staff.”

She had to get this last part right. If she didn't, nothing else she did would matter. She needed to be completely incapable of vocally making a sound. Taking great care, she planted her face firmly into the sticky tape and rocked her head from side to side to firmly adhere it over her mouth,

The die had been cast.

All that was left to do was to wait and hope that nopony other than Filthy Rich entered this room.

“Well, these definitely need stitches,” said the unicorn doctor as he examined Diamond Tiara's rump. “You’re lucky your attacker missed your sphincter and labia.”

“I’m used to it, actually,” said Diamond Tiara.

“What do you mean?”

Diamond Tiara grinned.

“My friend Silver Spoon misses my sphincter and labia constantly.”

“Oh, hardy har har!” said Silver Spoon through the other side of the curtain that separated one examination table from the other. She was receiving her own treatment from a doctor at the same time as Diamond Tiara. “Doctor, would you mind sewing Diamond Tiara’s mouth shut before you start on her plot? It might be hard to tell which end is which since manure spews out of both so just look for the tiara.”

“Sorry, no can do," said Diamond Tiara's doctor. "There’s that whole hippocratic oath thing. I’ll have you fixed up soon enough. Nurse Redheart, please prep a local anesthetic.”

“Yes, Doctor,” said Nurse Redheart.

“That means a needle, doesn’t it?” asked Diamond Tiara. “That sounds like needle talk to me.”

“Yes, it means a needle,” said the doctor. “Several of them.”

“Several? Rrrgh. All right. Just get it over with.” Diamond Tiara closed her eyes tightly and winced as she held out her foreleg.

The doctor and Nurse Redheart looked at each other.

“Uh, they’re local anesthetics, Diamond Tiara,” said Nurse Redheart. “They won’t numb your backside if the doctor injects them into your foreleg. They have to be injected into the afflicted area.”

Diamond gasped.

“YOU WANT TO STICK A NEEDLE INSIDE MY CUTS??” she shouted.

“No,” said the doctor. “I have to stick a needle inside your cuts.”

“I want a second opinion!”

“You’ve got him.”

“Huh? What-”

The doctor tapped the name badge pinned to his scrubs. Diamond Tiara read the name printed on it: S. Opinion, M.D.

She rolled her eyes.

“This is a routine procedure, Diamond Tiara,” said Nurse Redheart. “Look, I won’t lie to you. The local anesthetics are going to hurt a lot. But the point is that it will only hurt a lot for a short period of time. Without the local anesthetic, you’ll be in agony throughout the stitching, which could take two hours or longer to complete. That’s a long period of time. And if you were to flinch, which you will since you’d be in unbearable pain without the local anesthetic, you might pop one or more stitches which would mean that the doctor would have to resew them.”

“Can’t you just put me under? I’d be asleep and wouldn’t feel a thing.”

“It’s not that simple. Your injuries aren’t dire enough to warrant putting you under. We’d also need an anesthesiologist to monitor the machine that regulates your blood while you’re under. Thanks to your daddy, we have more such machines but we still only use them for patients who are going to receive incisions for more serious surgery, not for simple lacerations like yours. And since your father would be the one paying the bill, we couldn’t do any of that without his permission, not that we would anyway. Speaking of your father, do you know where he is?”

“DIAMOND TIARA?!” yelled a voice.

“DADDY?!" yelled back Diamond Tiara. "DADDY, I’M OVER HERE!”

Filthy Rich walked through the emergency room until he reached the examination table where his daughter was being helped. Tears welled in his eyes as he caught sight of the jewel of his heart.

“Oh, my baby,” said Filthy Rich, nuzzling her face.

"Oh, thank Celestia you’re here, Daddy!”

“Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not. I’m a mess.”

Filthy Rich stepped around to look at his daughter’s posterior. Just as Cheerilee had said, there were cuts all over. He cringed when he caught sight of the mess. And he turned his head as he began to weep.

“It looks a lot worse than it is, Mr. Rich," said Doctor Opinion. "She’s going to be okay.”

“I’m in so much pain, Daddy – and I’m going to be in more if they stick me with all the needles they want to put in me. Tell them to use one of their machines to-”

“Who did this to you, sweetheart?” blurted Filthy Rich. “Tell me – who hurt you?”

“Haven’t you heard? It was Miss Cheerilee. She went crazy and...”

Filthy Rich heard what he needed to hear to choose his next actions. He growled a timberwolf’s growl and dashed out of the emergency room at top speed.

“WAIT!!” cried Diamond Tiara. “DADDY!! COME BACK!!”

She turned to look back at the doctor. He raised an eyebrow. Diamond Tiara smiled nervously.

“He’ll be back,” she said, feigning confidence.

“Not soon enough,” said the doctor. “We need to close up those wounds now.”

Diamond Tiara gulped.

“How many of those shots will you need to stick me with?” she asked.

“Judging by the length and number of cuts, I’d say twelve or thirteen should do it.”

“Twelve?!!”

“Or thirteen.”

“Or zero. ”

“Dr. Manner is treating Silver Spoon. She’s getting a local, too. Hey, Bedside?”

“Yeah?” said a voice from the other side of the curtain.

“How many locals is your patient getting?”

“Just one. I’m about to give it to her.”

“And she’s getting hers in the face," said Doctor Opinion to Diamond Tiara. "More nerve endings there than in your patootie.”

“Did you really just say patootie?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“You wanted a second opinion? I’ll give it to you. Suck it up, be brave like you friend and get it over with. You look like a brave girl to me. Are you a brave girl?”

“Are you kidding? Of course I’m brave. I’m going to rule Equestria some day. I just don’t like pain.”

“Well, I know for a fact that you’re not going to be able to sit on the royal throne with a slashed open backside.”

The throne.

Diamond Tiara had designs on Celestia’s throne the moment she laid eyes on it in a picture book. The throne was the ultimate symbol of power and luxury in Equestria. It embodied everything she wanted: the ability to have others obey her every command while sitting on her plot and taking it easy.

“You’re right, Doctor," said Diamond Tiara. "I shouldn’t be afraid of a few needles or stitches. I’m ready.”

Diamond Tiara nearly had a heart attack as she heard a high pitched ear piercing scream from behind Silver Spoon’s curtain, followed by crying. Terrified that the pain she’d feel from her needle would be bad enough to make a pony scream like that, Diamond Tiara climbed off the table and walked exclusively on her forelegs like a trained circus bear in the direction of the exit, keeping her lower body upright in the air.

“Diamond Tiara... please stop clowning around. There are other injured ponies awaiting medical attention.”

She got about ten steps away before losing her balance. As her hind hooves landed on the floor, a wave of pain ran from her bottom to her brain.

“Khhhh!!” she spat, wincing in agony.

She whined as the doctor levitated her and placed her back on the table.

She gurgled and hissed demonically as the first of twelve or thirteen injections entered her wounds.

Cheerilee, she thought, I swear that I’ll make you suffer a thousand times worse than this before you die at my hooves.

Cheerilee was growing impatient for Filthy Rich to arrive.

She caught sight of something under the bed. Something small and round. Something shiny, white, and red that she would have otherwise missed had she not been lying on the carpet.

The hotel wasn’t particularly upscale but it apparently had a practice in place that was generally utilized by classier hotels.

The practice of a complimentary item.

An item left on pillows after housekeeping maintenance.

An individually wrapped peppermint candy.

Cheerilee whimpered.

Peppermint.

Twist.

Cheerilee’s stomach churned with worry as a barrage of thoughts ran through her mind at once.

In her obsession with seeing out this mission of vengeance against Diamond Tiara, she forgot one crucial detail.

Twist was in Elysium.

This assisted suicide would stamp her soul for delivery to Tartarus, as was the case with all ponies who took their own lives. Cheerilee may not have had anything to live for but she did have something to die for – a chance to be reunited with Twist in the afterlife, one which she would be denied by committing suicide, even an assisted one. She had unwittingly condemned herself to an eternity without the light of her life, a sentence that would last far longer than the fleeting satisfaction of petty vengeance.

Cheerilee screamed and cried as much as the duct tape would allow her. She frantically struggled to remove the bonds from which she knew she’d never be able to free herself. Even if she could snap the duct tape, the key to the shackle around her neck was way out of reach. It would take hours for her hooves to compromise the metal of the chain. Tearfully repentant, Cheerilee gave up her hopeless struggle and bawled. Acting without thinking had once again cost her something precious. The teacher had made a mistake, one which Filthy Rich would soon be back to correct.

With red ink.

Filthy Rich was a pony possessed. His pulse pounded as he ran at a speed that he would never have deemed safe if he was of sound mind, which he was not. Anypony that had the ability to get out of his way did so posthaste. He weaved through or leapt over the rest of the obstacles.

Cheerilee hadn’t just wounded Diamond Tiara. She had also wounded his pride, the very fabric of what being a stallion meant to him. If there was even the slightest chance that the madmare was still in their hotel room as she said she’d be, he was going to take it and get there. If not, perhaps the attendant on duty would be able to tell him which direction she took when she left.

If the monster had indeed fled, there wasn’t a place on earth where she could hide; not from a stallion of means like him. If it took putting a million bit bounty on her head to flush her out, he would do so without a second thought.

He had reached the hotel.

He ran through the door without opening it. It shattered into a dozen pieces.

There was the temptress, wriggling on the floor like the vile snake in the grass that she was. He snorted to acknowledge her presence. The time for talk had passed.

And there, beside the easy chair, was the means of delivering his message of fury.

He picked up the croquet mallet with his mouth.

And he got the message across in no uncertain terms.

Elasticity

The bell suspended above the door to Carousel Boutique jingled as Silver Spoon entered the establishment with some trepidation. She had only been here twice before, once for a dress to wear to Diamond Tiara’s cute-ceanera and again with Diamond Tiara for matching outfits to attend the Equestria Games flag carrying competition. While the outfits were both lovely, both events ended on a bad note and she began to wonder whether she should shop for a dress somewhere with a proven track record for good luck – or at least unproven bad luck. She quickly put the thought out of her head. Carousel Creations was the hub of pony fashion and Diamond Tiara deserved the very best.

Rarity, the proprietor of Carousel Creations, was putting the finishing touches on an impressive-looking gray raincoat with graphics of clouds on each side and columns of diamonds set underneath to resemble raindrops falling from those clouds. Silver Spoon’s eyes widened, smitten with how lovely the raincoat looked.

“Welcome to Carous-” she began. The fashionista paused as she recognized her foal customer and the professional smile she wore faded into a neutral expression.

“-el... Boutique,” she finished. “Hello, Silver Spoon.”

“Hello, Miss Rarity, ma’am,” said Silver Spoon. “That’s a beautiful raincoat you’ve made.”

“You’re too kind.”

“I’d like to buy a dress on credit, ma’am.” Like Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon had charge accounts with every business in town. This allowed her to obtain goods and services as she pleased without having to carry bits.

“You may. I heard about what happened today from Sweetie Belle. I take it that you and your friend are all right?”

Silver Spoon could tell from Rarity’s tone that she was only asking as a courtesy.

“I’m okay, ma’am... and she’s going to be okay, too, thanks for asking.”

“Is your father in town?”

“No, ma’am. He’s usually so busy that I never know where he is.”

“Did you have a particular style of dress in mind?”

There was one outfit that was never far from Silver Spoon’s mind.

“Yes, ma’am,” she replied. “Something long, white and flowing... like a wedding dress... but not too fancy... and not too casual... and no jewels.” The pony for whom this dress was being made was already a beautiful diamond; any more gemstones would be redundant.

“Hmm. And you need this immediately?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I believe I may have a pattern for something of that nature. I still have your measurements on file from your most recent order.”

“Oh, the dress won’t be for me, ma’am. It’s for Diamond Tiara. Do you still have her measurements on file?”

Rarity paused.

“I see. Well, you’re quite fortunate that I am a professional – for if I were not, I’d tell you to leave my shop and never return. I reserve the right to refuse service to anypony for any reason. I shall make a dress for your friend since I’ve already agreed to do so – but I shan’t bill either of you for it and it won’t bear my designer label.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” said Silver Spoon. “I understand.”

“Do you now? Your teacher – sorry, your former teacher and I attended school together as foals. We were never quite close the way she was with Pinkie Pie but I always had the utmost respect for her and her profession. Naturally, I was shocked to hear that she would attack one of her own students. I detest violence of any kind. It’s absolutely inexcusable for an adult to attack a foal... and I would never condone her actions... but, dear Celestia, after hearing how Diamond Tiara taunted her about her condition, I find it somewhat easier to understand what drove Cheerilee to do it.”

“Did Sweetie Belle tell you that Diamond Tiara acted alone, ma’am?”

“Yes, she did.”

“I’m glad to hear it, ma’am – because it’s the truth. I had nothing to do with that at all. Diamond Tiara didn’t tell me beforehoof that she was going to make fun of Miss Cheerilee’s condition. I didn’t even know she had that file with her. What she did was awful. If I knew, I would have talked her out of it.”

“Hmm. And yet you still haven’t severed your ties with her.”

“She’s my best friend, ma’am. With all due respect, would you abandon your best friends for using poor judgment?”

“Poor judgment? Darling, wearing white after Neighbor Day is poor judgment. Diamond Tiara implemented a surgical strike on Cheerilee’s good nature. It was carefully calculated to humiliate her as much as possible by hitting her right where it hurt the most. When one makes a decision to expose somepony else’s incredibly personal medical condition for their own amusement… that is not poor judgment. That – is gleeful wickedness. And I’ll have you know that none of my friends would ever stoop so low as to make light of a mare’s infertility.”

“Your best friends are grownups, ma’am. Diamond Tiara and I are only foals.”

“I suggest that you two milk that safety net for as long as you can, Silver Spoon, because when you’re old enough to accept responsibility for your own actions, it won’t be there to fall back on. But then, I suppose that your fathers could simply buy you new nets in much the same way they bought your freedom when your sentences were suspended.”

Rarity cringed as she saw tears begin to well up in Silver Spoon’s eyes.

“There, there, dear,” said Rarity gently. “Please don’t cry.” She levitated a hoofkerchief from her utility drawer and dried Silver Spoon’s tears from behind her glasses. “It was insensitive of me to be so cross with you. You’ve been through an emotionally exhausting experience today. Please accept my apologies.” She levitated a small package of gum that was sitting on her counter and brought it closer. “Would you care for some bubble gum?”

Silver Spoon sniffled.

“What flavor is it?” she asked.

Rarity looked at the package.

“Grape,” she said.

“Yes, please,” said Silver Spoon as she held her hoof out. Rarity unwrapped the gum and placed it in Silver Spoon’s hoof. “Thank you, ma’am.”

“You’re welcome,” said Rarity, smiling softly. “And please – call me Rarity.”

“Thank you, Rarity.” Silver Spoon smiled back. She popped the gum into her mouth and began chewing.

“Silver Spoon?” said Sweetie Belle, who had just descended the stairs. “What are you doing here?”

“Getting a dress for Diamond Tiara,” said Silver Spoon.

“Is she at the hospital?”

“Mm-hm. She needed a lot more stitches than I did so I was released early. Once the doctor’s done with her, she’s gonna get bandaged up. That’s why I’m getting her the dress.”

“Oh. Did it hurt when you got your stitches?”

“The shot hurt more than the stitching.”

“You got a shot?”

“Yeah, the doctor had to give me an injection in the face before he could start. It hurt so much that I cried.” Sweetie Belle winced at the thought. “After the shot started to work, I barely felt any of the stitching.”

“So, is your tail okay?”

“Uh, yeah, my tail’s fine. I was only hit in the face.”

“Oh. Good.”

Sweetie Belle walked past Silver Spoon. She bit the end of Silver Spoon’s tail and yanked it hard enough to make the gray filly stumble backward and lose her hoofing.

“YOWP!” squealed Silver Spoon as her plot hit the floor.

“That’s for messing with my head about kissing Button,” declared Sweetie Belle.

“Sweetie Belle! How dare you assault one of my clients?! Why, just look at what you’ve done to the poor filly. She’s so startled that she’s out of breath.”

Silver Spoon was indeed gasping for breath but it was certainly not out of being startled. The more unexpected the pulling of her hair was, the more stimulating it felt.

“Are you all right, darling?” asked Rarity.

“I swallowed my gum,” said Silver Spoon as she groggily rose to her hooves with her head turned to hide her smile, “but apart from that, I’m okay.”

Rarity turned her head to face Sweetie Belle and scowled at her.

“What?” asked Sweetie Belle in a defensive tone. “She had it coming.”

Rarity levitated her little sister and carried her to the front door.

“Hey!” cried Sweetie Belle. “What are you doing? No fair! Put me down!”

Rarity opened the front door and set her sister down about twenty feet away from the door.

“You are banned from my shop until you learn how to behave like a civilized young lady. Now march straight back home and tell Mother and Father why I’m not looking after you.”

“But-”

“Now. Or the vacation in Manehattan’s off.”

“Awwww.”

Sweetie Belle hung her head and began her trek home.

Rarity closed the door and approached Silver Spoon.

“I’m terribly sorry about that, dear,” said Rarity. “She’s fairly well behaved most of the time.”

“It’s okay, Rarity,” said Silver Spoon. “I did tease her so I guess I did kind of have it coming. If the dress will take a while longer to make, I’d be happy to walk Sweetie Belle back home.”

“That’s very big of you, dear. You know, you remind me of myself when I was your age. Do you by chance know how to sew?”

“Well, not really... but I did get to watch some sewing up close.” Silver Spoon patted the adhesive gauze pad stuck to her cheek.

Rarity giggled.

“Stop by some day after closing time and I’ll give you some private sewing lessons.”

“You’d do that for me?” asked Silver Spoon.

“I certainly would. It’s the least I can do to make up for my sister’s inexcusable behavior.”

“Thanks again, Rarity. I’d love to learn how to sew.”

“Splendid... but I would appreciate it if you’d do me the courtesy of showing up... alone.” Rarity grinned and winked at Silver Spoon.

Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped and her eyes grew wide. She lowered an eyebrow and took a half step backward.

Rarity blushed.

“Oh, no,” she spat as she reached out with her left forehoof and shook her head back and forth vigorously. “No-no-no-no-no, oh, good heavens, no, ha ha, I didn’t mean it like that.” She quickly cleared her throat. “What I meant was I’d prefer that you not bring your friend Diamond Tiara along for the lesson.” She gave a nervous giggle that did nothing to alleviate the awkwardness of the misunderstanding.

It was now Silver Spoon’s turn to blush.

“Oh!” she said, scratching the back of her head and smiling. “Of course! I wouldn’t have brought her along anyway. She hates manual labor. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... Ahh... I’ll be back soon.”

Silver Spoon turned and quickly exited the shop.

“Sweetie Belle, wait up!” shouted Silver Spoon as she saw the unicorn filly off in the distance.

“Oh, it’s you again," said Sweetie Belle as the earth pony filly caught up to her. "Walking me home?"

"Yeah."

"Really? I was just kidding. Hey, what the Tartaros was Diamond Tiara thinking when she mouthed off at Miss Cheerilee today?”

“I don’t know.”

“You didn’t ask her?”

“We were kind of busy getting looked at by doctors. I wasn’t gonna ask her about it in front of everypony.”

Sweetie Belle sighed.

“What’s your best guess as to why she did it?” she asked.

“It could be any number of reasons,” said Silver Spoon. “She was kind of upset at Miss Cheerilee for not picking her as her favorite student.”

“How petty can you get?”

“Sometimes she gets this high from having power over somepony. It’s like she can’t wait to prove to the world how much smarter she is than everypony else. I do that too, sometimes... but I never would have gone that far.”

“Well, do what you can to get her to dial it back, okay? I had to practically beg Apple Bloom not to attack her the next time they meet.”

“Did it work?”

“Yeah, but if Diamond Tiara ticks her off even a little when school’s back in session, I won’t be held responsible for what happens. Scootaloo knows she’ll get in trouble if she attacks anypony so I think she’ll be cool. Anyway, that’s just my crew I’ve got on lockdown. There’s no telling who else in class... or in town... wants to get back at you two.”

“But I didn’t do anything to Miss Cheerilee.”

“I know that. And you know that. But everypony who’s gonna hear about this won’t. Without news coverage, there won’t be any facts to go by. Everypony will add ‘dot, dot, dot and Silver Spoon’ after Diamond Tiara’s name when they hear she did something mean. Do you see now why you need to ditch the scorpion? The sooner you ditch her, the better off you’ll be.”

“Would you stop calling Diamond Tiara a scorpion? And I already told you that I’m not ditching her. Like, I’d ditch my mom before I’d ditch her.”

“Seriously? Wow. That’s cold.”

“You wouldn’t say that if you knew my mom. Tartaros, I don’t even know my mom.”

The two fillies kept silent for a while.

“I’m sorry I teased you about Button,” said Silver Spoon. “I promise I won’t do it again.”

“A bully’s promise, huh? Now there’s something I can count on.”

“Yeah, well, I mean it... so take it or leave it.”

“I’ll take it. Thanks.”

Silence seized them once more.

“You have the coolest big sister ever,” said Silver Spoon. “I’m, like, so jealous of you.”

“She is pretty awesome,” agreed Sweetie Belle, “though I can’t wait for the day when ponies start referring to her as ‘Sweetie Belle’s sister’.”

“Is she gonna stay mad at you?”

“Nah. I’ll just show up at her door tomorrow with two tubs of ice cream and some sad puppy dog eyes. That combination usually breaks her.”

“I could sure go for some ice cream right now.”

“Ice cream does sound pretty good. It’s settled then. We’ll go to the malt shop. You’re buying.”

“Tchah! And you’re dreaming.”

“Aw, come on, be a pal.”

“Why would I be something that I’m not?”

“Why would I ask you to be something that you already are?”

“You’re not asking me to be something I already am. You’re telling me to be something I’m not.”

“That’s what I’m saying. There’s no point in telling you to be something if you already are that something.”

“But that’s what I’m saying. I’m not your pal so telling me to be one is pointless.”

“And I’m saying it’s pointless if you are a pal.”

“I think we’re arguing two different things.”

“No, listen. You don’t need somepony to be your pal in order to ask them to be a pal. They don’t even have to be a pony. You can ask a piece of manure to be a pal if you want. Actually, that must be how you became pals with Diamond Tiara! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!”

“Tell me you did not just say that.”

“Should I tell you... or should I ask you?”

Silver Spoon facehoofed. She thought it was necessary to eat ice cream in order to have an ice cream headache.

“Look, if you want ice cream so badly, why don’t you go ask your mom and dad for some money?” asked Silver Spoon. “They’re not broke.”

“Like they’d give me a wooden bit when I tell them why Rarity sent me home early. Thanks a lot for getting me into trouble.”

“I got you into trouble? Uh! Whatever. Speaking of trouble, Mr. Rich came to the hospital when Diamond Tiara and I were getting fixed up by the doctors.”

“What’d he say?”

“Not much. He just asked who hurt her and he ran off mad. I’ll bet that he’s got every police officer in Equestria searching for her. I wish... It’s a real shame that this happened. I really liked Miss Cheerilee. Well, right up until she went crazy, anyway.”

“Don’t call her crazy. She just had an emotional breakdown.”

“Hey, Sweetie Belle?”

“What?”

“Have you ever heard of a pony named She Who Welcomes? Or something called The Unspoken Wish?”

“No. Are they a band? Because those would be cool stage names for a lead singer and her band. Fillies and gentlecolts, please give a warm welcome to She Who Welcomes and The Unspoken Wish!”

“I don’t know what they are.”

“Where did you hear about them?”

“Uhhh... Just around somewhere.”

“They sound like they might be magical. Why don’t you ask Princess Twilight. She knows everything about magic.”

“Why didn’t I think of that? That’s a great idea. Oh, uh, hey, can we walk along the lake? It’s a bit more populated there and... I’m a little nervous about being alone.”

“Nervous? Why?”

Silver Spoon sighed. She sat down and Sweetie Belle stopped walking to sit with her.

“I don’t know why I’m telling you this...” said Silver Spoon softly, “...but... when I ran out of the schoolhouse to get a grownup to help Diamond Tiara, I ran into some stallions and...” She closed her eyes and looked away. “...they... touched me.”

Sweetie Belle covered her mouth with her left forehoof.

“As in they ‘touched you’ touched you?”

“Mm-hm,” said Silver Spoon with a nod. “I didn’t get a good look at their faces or cutie marks because I left my glasses behind,” continued Silver Spoon. “You should have heard them laugh it up while I was crying. They were so mean. I was so scared that they were gonna do something worse.”

Sweetie Belle quickly wrapped her forelegs around Silver Spoon and hugged her.

“Hey...” said Silver Spoon as she wriggled to remove herself from Sweetie Belle’s embrace. “Cut it out. We’re not... friends.”

Silver Spoon stopped trying to break Sweetie Belle’s hold on her. Tears began to form in her eyes and her lower lip trembled. She had been so busy worrying about Diamond Tiara and looking after her that she had nearly forgotten about how truly terrifying her encounter with her molesters had been. Now that it came back to her, the fear and the sadness returned with it. And just when she was in need of comfort – Sweetie Belle was here, gracious enough to provide it.

“I know we’re not friends,” whispered Sweetie Belle, “but hugs have the power to heal... and I don’t have a problem with offering aid to the enemy.”

Silver Spoon whined as her forelegs rose and returned the hug. Its warmth was rain on the flower that was Silver Spoon’s soul.

Friendship was more than just magic. It was elastic. And Sweetie Belle and Silver Spoon, two ponies who didn’t like each other, stretched it into the shape they needed it to be in order to meet each other half way.

“Those stallions won’t be back again,” said Sweetie Belle as she gently broke the hug. “Do you know what the punishment is for a sex crime?”

“Life in prison?” asked Silver Spoon as she lifted her glasses to dry her tears.

“Worse.” Smirking, Sweetie Belle stood on her hind legs and drew her hoof across her crotch in the shape of an X. “They surgically remove the guy’s private parts.”

“Whoa!” exclaimed Silver Spoon. “Everything?”

“Everything. So mares are pretty safe in Equestria. Or at least they were until those guys did what they did to you. They must have been either drunk or stupid.”

“You know something? I finally figured out why I’m almost thinking about starting to warm up to you... some day in the distant future.”

“Oh, yeah?” asked Sweetie Belle with a smile.

“Yeah,” replied Silver Spoon with a smile of her own. “It’s because you’ve got the same color scheme as Diamond Tiara.”

“‘The same color scheme’?” Sweetie Belle raised an eyebrow, wondering what Silver Spoon meant.

“Yeah. You’re white with a pink and lavender mane and tail and she’s pink with a white and lavender mane and tail. You two have the exact same shades of those colors.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes grew wide and her jaw dropped. Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow.

“I take that look of shock to mean that you’ve never noticed that before,” said Silver Spoon with a smirk.

Sweetie Belle frowned, repulsed by the fact that she had anything at all in common with Diamond Tiara.

“I’m dyeing my mane and tail – today,” she declared.

Silver Spoon chuckled, which made Sweetie Belle smile.

“Are you positive that I can’t convince you to ditch Diamond Tiara?” asked Sweetie Belle. “What if I gave you another hug?”

“I’m positive,” replied Silver Spoon. “It would take a lot more than just hugging me to get me to ditch Diamond Tiara.”

“Well, there’s only so much I can do. I’m dating Button Mash, remember?”

Silver Spoon blushed at the implication that physical contact to a greater degree might convince her to end her friendship with Diamond Tiara.

Okay, that’s twice now she’s hit upon my orientation, thought Silver Spoon.

“You are, like, so bad,” said Silver Spoon with a giggle as she turned her head. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”

“You think I’m bad?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Apple Bloom’s way worse than I am. Guess who she thought I wanted to mess around with one time.”

“Silver Spoon!” shouted somepony in the air above. The two fillies looked up and saw a pegasus mare wearing a maid’s uniform. “Oh, thank Celestia I found you.”

“Heather?” asked Silver Spoon. “What are you doing here?”

“Looking for you, dear,” said Heather. “We heard about what your teacher did. The whole lot of us at the estate were out looking for you.” The pegasus gently held Silver Spoon’s chin and angled the filly’s head to examine the gauze pad on her face. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine now, thanks. Sweetie Belle, this is Heather Duster, one of my parents’ housekeepers where I live. Heather, this is Sweetie Belle, one of my classmates from school.”

“A pleasure to meet you, miss,” said Heather as she curtsied to Sweetie Belle. She turned to face Silver Spoon. “You really should have come straight home as soon as you were released from the hospital, Silver. Everypony was worried sick about you.” She reached into her apron pocket with her mouth and pulled out a piece of paper. “Your father wrote you a telegram that we were instructed to give to you immediately.” She released the paper as Silver Spoon bit down on it. “Come home soon, all right, Silver?”

“Okay,” said Silver Spoon. “Thanks, Heather.”

“Is there anything you need before I go?” asked Heather.

“No, thank you, Heather. That’ll be all.”

Heather nodded and departed for the Hoity Finish estate. Sweetie Belle watched the mare fly away, jealous that Silver Spoon had servants attending to her needs.

Silver Spoon opened the telegram, stuck her nose in it, and read its contents out loud.

“Dearest Silver, I just heard about what happened with your teacher.” She turned to look at Sweetie Belle. “Wow, it’s only been a few hours since school was closed and this is from Canterlot. News sure travels quickly, huh?” She returned her attention to the telegram. “I told you that ratty common school was no good for you. Perhaps now you’ll believe me. If not, then believe this: Your mother and I have decided that you...”

Silver Spoon gulped as she read the rest of the telegram silently. Sweetie Belle walked over to where it lay and levitated it.

“Your mother and I have decided that you won’t be returning to the Ponyville Schoolhouse when it reopens; no ifs, ands, or buts,” read Sweetie Belle, picking up where Silver Spoon left off. “You may stay on at our Ponyville estate if that is where you wish to live but, effective immediately, you’ll be tutored privately – and safely – at home. The necessary arrangements have already been made. This is for your own good, sweetheart. You’ll understand when you’re older. Love, Daddykins. P.S. The Canterlot finishing school for fillies still has a spot open for you should you change your mind about moving.”

Sweetie Belle put the telegram down.

“Daddykins?” said Sweetie Belle. “Really?”

“I can’t stand my life sometimes,” said Silver Spoon with a grimace.

“I can’t stand your life sometimes, either,” said Sweetie Belle. “Gee, now who will you pick on? Ooh, I know. I can go to your house on the weekends and you can pick on me for the low, low cost of five hundred bits an hour.”

“That’s not funny.”

“Okay, fine, two hundred bits an hour. You sure drive a hard bargain.”

“This is no laughing matter.”

“You’re telling me? I’ve been getting picked on for free when I could have been selling my self-worth to rich, homeschooled bullies as a service from the get go.” Sweetie Belle sighed as she gazed forlornly into the midday sky. “All that lost revenue.”

“Sweetie Belle, I’m serious! What am I gonna do?”

“Uh, tell a friend?”

Sweetie Belle’s suggestion pierced Silver Spoon’s heart. She wasn’t expecting such a cold and impersonal comeback from the filly who had just comforted her moments earlier and it felt a bit like a betrayal. She caught herself with her mouth open and she quickly closed it. She saw herself for the fool that she was to believe for a second that they could have had anything for one another apart from contempt.

“Well, silly me,” she said softly. “I thought that’s what I was already doing,” said Silver Spoon with a quiver in her voice that she quelled as soon as she noticed it. “I won’t make that mistake again.”

“Hey, you’re the one who said we’re not friends,” noted Sweetie Belle, “not me.”

“Don’t give me that! You’re the one who said we can’t be friends unless I ditch Diamond Tiara first!”

“Because you need to ditch her! Not just for me but for yourself! Why can’t you see that?”

“Because I don’t need to ditch Diamond Tiara! If there’s anypony in need of being ditched around here, it’s you, you blank flank!”

“Oh, yeah? Well, that’s fine with me! Have fun being stuck in your mansion Monday through Friday with your tutor! It couldn’t happen to a nicer bully! See you never!”

Silver Spoon gritted her teeth at the mention of her homeschooling. The only thing she detested more than the fact that she, like all foals, operated at her parents’ sufferance was being reminded of it. There was one freedom that she still possessed: the freedom to let Sweetie Belle know what she thought of her.

“Rut you!” said Silver Spoon. She turned around and ran back to Carousel Boutique for the gift that her one true friend was waiting to receive.

Sweetie Belle gasped. Nopony had ever sworn at her before and she found that she didn’t like it time at all. Her face turned red as she closed her eyes and seethed with vitriolic fury.

Suddenly, she gasped.

She then jumped into the lake.

The water was too cold for comfort but she remained submerged for as long as she could hold her breath. Less than a minute later, she brought her head above water and began a pattern of breathing exercises that Princess Twilight had taught her. She kept her eyes closed as she focused on calming down.

“One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten. I’m okay. Everything is fine. I have no fear. I have no hatred. I am at peace and the world is a beautiful place full of the things I love. Cute puppies. Sweet-smelling flowers. Double chocolate fudge ice cream. A romantic boat ride with Button Mash in one of those swan-shaped boats.”

She stepped out of the lake and looked at her reflection. She liked what she saw and she smiled even though she was soaking wet.

“Whew, that was a close one,” she muttered to herself.

Mrs. Cake lingered in front of the door to Pinkie Pie’s room. She had a forehoof poised to knock on it but she was hesitant to do so. The time off that Pinkie was taking to mourn Twist’s passing had exceeded what both Mr. and Mrs. Cake reasonably considered to be adequate and she wished to broach the subject with Pinkie as tactfully and delicately as possible. The party mare’s tenure with the Cakes as a tenant and an employee made her an honorary member of the Cake family but even honorary family members had to pull their own weight.

“Um, excuse me, Mrs. Cake,” said a voice that came from the top of the stairs which were located right behind Mrs. Cake. She turned around and saw that the speaker was Fluttershy.

“Oh!” said Mrs. Cake. “It’s you, Fluttershy. You startled me.”

“Oh, did I? Oh, I’m so very sorry about that! I didn’t mean to. Please forgive me. I promise I’ll be more careful next time. What if I started whistling a tune when I’m ten feet away from you so that you know I’m heading in your direction? Or would twenty feet be better? What about fifty? I suppose I’d have to whistle louder if I’m that far away... oh, unless a loud whistle would also startle you.”

“Don’t worry about it, Fluttershy. I’m okay. Was there something I could help you with, dearie?”

“Um, yes, I came to see Pinkie Pie and Mr. Cake told me that she was in.”

“You might be just what the doctor ordered.”

“‘Doctor’? Is she sick?”

“Not that I know of... but Pinkie’s been a bit elusive as of late since her little friend passed away. Maybe a visit from a good friend can improve her mood.”

“Well, this isn’t a social call, unfortunately. Rainbow Dash told me that something terrible has happened at the Ponyville schoolhouse. The schoolhouse closed early today because Cheerilee’s been fired.”

“WHAT?!” screamed Pinkie Pie as she swung her door open.

Fluttershy squeaked as she instinctively hid behind Mrs. Cake.

“Oh, Pinkie,” said Fluttershy as she peeked out from behind Mrs. Cake. “You startl-”

“Yeah-yeah-yeah,” said Pinkie. “There’s no time to waste, Fluttershy. Come with me. We need to go see Cheerilee – stat!”

“Uh,” started Mrs. Cake, “Pinkie, I...”

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Cake,” said Pinkie. “I’ll be back in time for lunch!”

Mrs. Cake was left coughing in a cloud of dust.

“Okay, tell me everything you know,” said Pinkie as she huffed and puffed, running like the wind.

“Earlier today,” said Fluttershy, “Rainbow Dash told me that Scootaloo told her that Cheerilee had attacked Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. Then Mayor Mare entered the schoolhouse and took Cheerilee home.”

“Whose home? Cheerilee’s or Mayor Mare’s?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t ask. I’m sorry.”

“The mayor’s house is all the way in the high rent district. Let’s check out Cheerilee’s house first since it’s closer.”

“Rainbow said that she would have gone to see Cheerilee herself but she was still on weather duty.”

They arrived at Cheerilee's to find the front door open. They entered to find a mess on the kitchen floor - with Mayor Mare as part of that mess.

“Oh, my goodness! Mayor Mare! Are you all right?” asked Fluttershy as she helped her up.

“Cheerilee?” asked Mayor Mare.

“No, Mayor. It’s me, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie.”

“Where’s Cheerilee?” muttered Mayor Mare. “Have you seen-”

“OH!” shrieked Fluttershy, catching Mayor Mare who had lost her balance.

Pinkie Pie shook her head disapprovingly.

“You know, Ms. Mayor,” she said, “I like cider as much as the next pony... but it’s the middle of the day. ‘Enjoy responsibly’ includes waiting until after five PM.”

“M’not drunk, Pinkie,” muttered Mayor Mare. “M’dizzy... too dizzy to stan’ up. Cheerilee?”

“She’s not here, Ms. Mayor,” said Fluttershy.

“Where is she?” asked the Mayor.

“We don’t know," said Pinkie. "Fluttershy told me that Rainbow Dash told her that Scootaloo told her that Cheerilee got fired for attacking Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon in the schoolhouse so I went out with Fluttershy here to see how she was doing and when we got here, we saw you on the floor and-”

Fluttershy looked at Pinkie and screamed.

Mayor Mare recoiled.

“Oh, manure, Pinkie Pie,” said the mayor. “You’re bleeding from your eyes.”

Pinkie quickly stood on her hind legs and brought her forehooves to her cheeks where she felt something warm running down them. The forbidden Pinkie sense had returned to herald the death of another Ponyvillian. And if that wasn’t bad enough, somepony other than Rarity witnessed the blood tears.

“Oh, no...” whimpered Pinkie as she slowly lifted her head to look up at the ceiling. “No-no-no-no-NOOOOOOO!! WHYYYY-HY-HYYYYYY??”

Pinkie spotted a pair of decorative tragedy/comedy masks adorning Cheerilee’s wall. Pinkie snatched the comedy mask, put it over her face, and ran out of the door crying.

“Pinkie Pie!” said Fluttershy at a volume that amounted to little more than a weak shout. “Wait! Come back!” She flew toward the door in pursuit of Pinkie.

“Fluttershy…” moaned Mayor Mare. “Please don’t leave... me... urp.”

Mayor Mare lowered her head and vomited.

Fluttershy looked at Mayor Mare and then at the door. Forced to decide between a frightened friend and an injured friend, she chose to remain behind and tend to Mayor Mare. She squatted as she walked underneath the mayor and lifted her up off the floor onto her back.

“I’m bringing you to Ponyville Hospital, Ms. Mayor,” she said.

“Thanks,” breathed Mayor Mare. “Please... don’t move too fast. Everything’s... spinning.”

“Okay, I’ll walk slowly... but... um, if it can be helped, please try not to upchuck on me.”

Five seconds into the trip, Fluttershy was disappointed to learn that it couldn’t be
helped.

Nor could it be helped eleven seconds later.

Nor every two minutes after that.

Hungry

Author's Note

Thought I'd be safe and throw in a gore tag.

Hungry

Ponyville Hospital’s outpatient waiting area was bustling with activity. Silver Spoon did her best to weave through the chaotic flow of patients, nurses, and visitors walking through the halls in order to locate Diamond Tiara whose stitches had most likely been completed by now. She finally found her objective standing with her tail against the wall, presumably to hide her bandages.

“There you are!” barked Diamond Tiara as Silver Spoon approached her. “What kept you? I’ve been waiting here for ages!”

“Sorry,” said Silver Spoon. “I got held up at Carousel Boutique. Where’s your dad? Hasn’t he come back yet?”

“No... and I’m pretty steamed about it. You’d think he would’ve sent some of our servants for me from home... but nopony’s shown up since he ran off. I’m exhausted and half-starved. I’m too wealthy to be either of those – and right now, I’m both!”

“I know this isn’t the best place to sleep but they do have a cafeteria here.”

Diamond snorted in response.

“What’s wrong?” asked Silver Spoon. “Don’t you have an expense account at the cafeteria?”

“No,” muttered Diamond Tiara.

“Why not?”

“I never thought I’d need to have one here. Who visits a hospital for the cuisine?”

“Nopony that I know... but I have an account.”

Diamond Tiara’s eyes lit up.

“Seriously?” she asked.

“Yeah," replied Silver Spoon. "Let me buy you something to eat.”

Diamond Tiara frowned and puffed up her cheeks.

“No, thank you,” she said. “They had a chance to give me food on an IOU and they refused. Rut ‘em.”

“Didn’t they recognize you?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Yes – but they still refused to give me food without cash! So now I’m waiting until I get home and havc my supper rather than give those plotholes my business or yours.”

“Are you sure I can’t get you something? They have chocolate pudding.”

“They have amazing looking chocolate pudding!” screeched Diamond Tiara. “It was the first thing I asked for!” She pouted and her eyes glistened mournfully as she recalled the dessert she was denied. “A layer of crumbled graham crackers on top with a layer of whipped cream on top of that? That’s genius! It should be a crime to keep such tasty treats out of my mouth! This shouldn’t be allowed to happen to me. This place should’ve been crawling with an entourage of ponies feeding me and taking me home the second my stitches were finished... yet here I am, being ignored by everypony like I was some rusty horseshoe on the side of the road.”

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and nuzzled her cheek against Diamond Tiara’s.

“I’m here, Di,” she said softly. “Every cloud has a Silver Spoon.”

Diamond grinned and sighed as she returned the nuzzle.

“Sometimes I think you’re the only pony in this world who gives a damn about my pain, Silver Spoon.”

Silver Spoon had a pain of her own; a hunger pain. She wanted some pudding but she wasn’t going to buy any if Diamond Tiara was boycotting the cafeteria.

Diamond Tiara stepped back and turned until she was perpendicular to Silver Spoon in order to display her bandaged flank – along with the aluminum wheeled harness to which her hind legs were now strapped.

“Then there’s this stupid thing that I’m supposed to wear for three weeks straight,” she continued. “No rearing, walking or running using my hind legs and absolutely no sitting. You can imagine how much fun trips to the bathroom are gonna be.” She closed her eyes and sighed wearily. “I’m tired and frustrated... and I want to go home. I’d take a taxi carriage but they stink from all the unwashed plots of poor ponies that have been in those seats.” She pointed at Silver Spoon’s saddlebag with her right forehoof. “So let’s see the dress you got me.”

“Sure,” said Silver Spoon. She removed the dress from her saddlebag, a complimentary one which bore the Carousel Boutique logo on the flap. She stood on her hind legs and held the dress up to display it. “What do you think?”

Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow.

“Why does it look like a wedding dress?” she asked.

“I was... wondering the same thing myself,” said Silver Spoon, smiling as she averted her eyes. “It’s pretty though, isn’t it?”

Diamond Tiara shrugged.

“As long as it’s fashionable and covers my plot along with most of my harness, I suppose I shouldn’t care what it resembles,” she said. “Help me put it on, would you? I can’t step into it with my hind legs and I don’t want to get it dirty by rolling over it so just put it on over my head. Take my tiara off first, though.”

Silver Spoon carefully removed her friend’s namesake with her mouth and held it in her teeth. She turned the dress upside down and slid it over Diamond Tiara’s head.

“I guess I don’t have to ask you if your shots hurt,” said Silver Spoon through her teeth as she continued to tug the dress down Diamond Tiara’s body. “Mine felt like the doctor was shoving the steeple of Town Hall into my face.”

“Oh, they hurt, all right,” said Diamond Tiara from beneath the dress. “All fourteen of them. The only thing more painful than the shots was the attack that brought us here in the first place... but I started to imagine how much worse I plan on making a certain out-of-work teacher suffer before she dies and that helped. I even started to smile by the eighth one.”

Butterflies bounced around Silver Spoon’s stomach walls. This talk of murder made her very uncomfortable.

“Y-You say that like you’re actually gonna kill her yourself,” she said followed by a dismissive chuckle. She spread her forehooves down the length of Diamond Tiara’s trunk to smooth the dress out over the harness.

Diamond Tiara looked around to see if anypony was eavesdropping on them before answering Silver Spoon.

“I told you that I would,” she said softly. “Did you think I was kidding? It’s a miracle I didn’t go into shock from the wounds Miss Cheerilee inflicted on me. I could have lost consciousness and never woke up again – but I’m still here because fate has bigger plans in store for me. I’m meant to do something great in the future. I don’t know what that thing is – yet. But mark my words, I will deal with Miss Cheerilee myself when the time is right. It’s just a matter of figuring out the most painful method and how to get away with it. She’ll no doubt get the maximum sentence for two counts of abuse of a minor but once she’s served her time, she’ll wish she had been given life behind bars.”

Say something, you big chicken, thought Silver Spoon to herself. Tell her it’s wrong. Tell her you don’t want to see her go to jail if she gets caught. Tell her that Miss Cheerilee’s punishment is in the hooves of the law and that she should leave it at that. There’s nothing wrong with saying that. It’s like Pinkie Pie said: you have to save her from herself.

“I... I have some bad news,” said Silver Spoon, settling for changing the subject rather than confronting Diamond Tiara about sparing Miss Cheerilee’s life. “I got a telegram from my dad in Canterlot. He heard about Miss Cheerilee’s attack on us... and he’s pulling me out of Ponyville Elementary. I’m gonna be homeschooled by a private tutor from now on.”

“Tchah! Homeschooling’s for slow kids and the socially awkward! It’s like your dad’s punishing you for getting attacked! Wait... don’t tell me that you’re actually going along with this?”

“I don’t have a choice.” Silver Spoon made the final adjustments to the dress and returned the tiara to Diamond’s head. “Well, I do but not really. My only other option is to go to some finishing school in Canterlot... but there’s no way I’m leaving Ponyville. I want to stay here with you – even if we’ll only get to see each other on weekends and summers until graduation.” She hung her head and sighed.

Diamond Tiara held her chin in her right forehoof in contemplation.

“Okay – this isn’t the end of the world,” she said. “There’s actually a very simple solution to this.”

“There is?” asked Silver Spoon, lifting her head. “What is it?”

Diamond Tiara smirked and placed her right foreleg behind Silver Spoon’s neck.

“I’ll have my dad transfer me out of Ponyville Elementary so that I can attend classes alongside you,” she replied. “It’ll be like being in a two-student classroom. We’ll make homeschooling cool again... assuming it was ever cool to begin with.”

Silver Spoon smiled as her eyes began to well up with tears of joy.

“You’d... leave school voluntarily... for me?” she asked.

“Of course I would,” said Diamond Tiara. “With Rumble gone, you’re the only other student in that school who’s worth a damn.” Seeing her friend’s tears made her roll her eyes and shake her head. “Do you have to cry over every little thing, Sil?”

“I can’t help it.” Silver Spoon sniffled and lifted her glasses to dry her eyes. “Sacrificing your normal graduation day just so I won’t have to be alone... You have, like, no idea how much this means to me.”

“Yeah, well, the way I see it, those losers didn’t lift a hoof to help me when I was being attacked. They don’t deserve to have Ponyville’s two finest fillies in their ranks. They can all go bite a hydra’s ballsack for all I care.” Diamond Tiara broke out into a giggle fit. “Hey, if they bit off one of the hydra’s balls, do you think two more would grow back? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

Silver Spoon reared her head back and joined Diamond Tiara in a hearty laugh. Her guilt over Twist aside, she felt good again. And having Diamond Tiara visit her home every weekday morning was going to be like receiving a daily Hearth’s Warming Eve present. As far as Diamond Tiara’s plans to kill Miss Cheerilee were concerned, Silver Spoon was convinced that, just like the future regicide, time was on her side. With a little effort, she felt she could soften Diamond Tiara’s heart with friendship and get her to forsake her murderous plans.

One day at a time, thought Silver Spoon. We’ll take things one day at a time.

“You stuck by me in my darkest hour like a true friend, Silver Spoon,” said Diamond Tiara, “so now it’s my turn to stick by you.” She walked closer to her and smiled as she held Silver Spoon’s chin with her right forehoof. “And to think that just a second ago you were wrinkling up that pretty face of yours with worry.”

“Yeah, I was...” Silver Spoon’s pupils shrank with astonishment and she blushed as her heart skipped a beat. “Wait – did you just say that I had... a pretty face?”

“Is that what I said?” asked Diamond Tiara as she cast her eyes upward and held a hoof to her lips. “What I meant to say was that you had... a kissable face.” She batted her eyelashes, puckered her lips, and kissed the air between herself and Silver Spoon. “Mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah-mwah.”

Silver Spoon’s mood soured significantly upon hearing Diamond Tiara’s exaggerated smooching. She frowned and sighed.

“Oh,” she said. “You were teasing me – again.”

“Well, come on, Silver,” said Diamond Tiara. “I’m gonna need somepony to tease if we’re gonna be riding blank flank free from now on. I just figured I’d get a head start before our homeschooling starts. Being a good sport about it is the least you can do.”

Silver Spoon smiled mischievously.

“Y’know, I might feel the need to tease my only other classmate, too,” she said.

“Hmph, then take your best shot,” challenged Diamond Tiara. “I’m unflappable.”

Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow and smiled with her lower lip held between her teeth.

“Mayyyybeeeee,” she conceded, “...but you’re not unrollable.” Acting quickly, Silver Spoon stood upright, lifted Diamond Tiara’s forelegs off the floor, and ran down the hall, pushing her friend along like a grocery cart. The casters on Diamond Tiara’s harness squeaked as their wheels spun at a speed greater than they were intended to spin. Diamond Tiara’s mouth hung open in a smile, amused and surprised by Silver Spoon’s audacity.

“Aaaaaaaaah!” squealed Diamond Tiara. “Silverrrr! Stooooop! Ha ha ha! Put me dowwwn!” She made no effort to free herself. At the speed at which they were traveling, forcing her way out could lead to a spin out and a crash.

“Not until you say ‘My name is Diamond Wheelbarrow’ out loud for everypony to hear,” declared Silver Spoon.

“There’s no way I’m gonna say that!” said Diamond Tiara.

“Don’t care for that? All right, then – tell me what you did to punish me on the night of our sleepover.”

“Nooooooooo-ho-ho-ho!” Diamond continued to giggle in spite of her protests. “Come on, Sil, cut it out! This is dangerous! You might ram my plot into somepony and pop my stitches!”

“Oh, sure, play on my sympathy, why don’t you?”

Silver slowed down and, after coming to a stop, set Diamond Tiara’s forelegs back on the floor.

“You may have won this round, Di,” panted Silver Spoon with a determined smile, “but rest assured, I will get that secret out of you one day.”

Diamond Tiara grinned confidently as she caught her breath and fixed her mane and tail.

“And I say that I’ll take it to my...” A sudden burst of noise and activity emerged from behind her. “...grave?” She turned her head to see what the commotion was about while Silver Spoon craned her neck out to the left to get a better view.

A gurney carrying an obviously occupied body bag was being wheeled through the hospital’s main entrance by emergency response personnel as well as several police officers. The gurney was being mobbed by a flock of curiosity seekers and news reporters who were bombarding the officers with nosy questions and flashbulb lights as they took as many photos as they could. Silver Spoon, conditioned to protect herself from flashbulbs, quickly turned her head, closed her eyes, and shielded her face with her foreleg.

Diamond Tiara saw a blue-coated filly among the crowd and she walked over to her. Silver Spoon followed, averting her eyes as she walked.

“What’s going on?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“That’s the body,” said the blue filly.

“That’s whose body?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Haven’t you heard?” asked the blue filly. “Somepony killed the town schoolteacher at a hotel early this afternoon – the murderer bashed her head in with a croquet mallet. They say that her skull looked like a dropped bowl of spaghetti. Gross, huh?”

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s jaws dropped. They looked at one another and then at the filly.

“This town’s schoolteacher??” asked Silver Spoon as she gulped. “D-Do you mean... M-Miss Cheerilee??”

“Miss Cheerilee!” echoed the blue filly. “That was her name! Boy, that was driving me crazy! Yeah, that’s her. Did you know her?”

Silver Spoon didn’t reply, nor did Diamond Tiara who slowly walked over to the window by the entrance where the police wagon was parked. The blue filly shrugged off the strangers’ disinterest in a reply and followed the rest of the curiosity seekers who were tailing the gurney on its trip to the hospital’s morgue.

“Twist attacks me,” said Diamond Tiara, “I say that she’s dead... and then she dies the same day. Miss Cheerilee attacks me, I say that she’s dead... and then she dies the same day.” A smile formed slowly on her face. “This... is... AWESOME! Sure, I wanted Miss Cheerilee to suffer first but what her death lacked in torment, it made up for in efficiency! Two ponies that I wanted dead are gone within hours... all because I said so! I’m two for two!”

Diamond Tiara tilted her head from side to side and danced using her forelegs. She stopped moving and frowned, looking around as though something was missing.

“Hey!” exclaimed Diamond Tiara. “I’m trying to sing a song. Where’s my BGM?”

“You want to sing a song with musical accompaniment, you need to go over there,” said a donkey janitor as he pointed a hoof to an area down the corridor. “You’re in a no background music zone. Magically enforced.” He pointed another hoof at a nearby sign with a red circle and a line over a silhouette of an open-mouthed pony and a musical note coming from its mouth.

“Oh,” said Diamond Tiara. “Lame but... whatever.” She ran over to the designated area for singing. When she arrived, a bouncy showtunesque piano piece started up. “There’s my BGM.” She resumed her dancing and head tilting as she waited for her cue to jump in and sing.

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII’m two for twooooo
I do not mean to boast but I am two for twooooo
My enemies are toast
Did you hear what she saaaid?
Miss Cheerilee is deaaad
Somepony took a mallet and they smashed her stupid head
I’m two for twooooo
And if you think that’s bunk, have I got newwws forrrrr youuuuu
Cuz if you mess with me, you’ll be body number three because I’m
Twooooooooooooooooo
forrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
twooooooooooooooooo!
Who’s next?

Diamond Tiara basked in her budding body count and smiled at the prospect of bringing it even higher.

“This couldn’t have happened by chance, Silver Spoon,” she said, tilting her head back and looking at the ceiling. “This happened because I made it happen. Fate has given me the ability to wield magic: the magic of death. This isn’t Celestia’s will... and that makes it even more awesome.” She giggled at the thought. “Now that Miss Cheerilee’s ticket is punched, who should I wish dead next? Oh, I have so many grudges against so many ponies that I can’t decide who should die first! Should it be Apple Bloom? That turncoat ex-friend of ours Babs? Derpy? Pinkie Pie? Oh, but wait. What if it only works if I have to be attacked by that pony first? Ugh. That would suck. It’d narrow down my choices, too. I can’t think of anypony I want dead badly enough to get my plot beat by them beforehoof.”

Diamond Tiara had been expecting some kind of reply from Silver Spoon but her friend was oddly silent. She turned around and saw that she had been speaking to herself the whole time. Silver Spoon was nowhere to be found.

“Silver?” called out Diamond Tiara as she scanned the immediate area for her friend. “Silver Spoon? Where the Tartarus did you go?”

Silver Spoon wept as she sat in a taxi carriage en route to her home. She had slipped away unnoticed when Diamond Tiara started to sing. The abuse she had endured notwithstanding, Silver Spoon remembered Miss Cheerilee as sweet and kind – and she would be missed terribly. Despite trying to hold it together, a sob burst forth from Silver Spoon’s lungs and she stopped running long enough to lift her glasses and wipe her eyes. Would Miss Cheerilee have been where she had been at the time of her death if Silver Spoon had prevented Diamond Tiara from dropping the bag on Twist? The thought that Miss Cheerilee’s death could be traced back to herself sent Silver Spoon into a fit of weeping. One death on her conscience was already more than she wanted.

But Silver Spoon didn’t weep out of bereavement and guilt alone.

Miss Cheerilee’s death was a tragedy. Everypony in town who knew her would be in mourning – except for the pony who was celebrating the demise instead – musically, too. To Silver Spoon, that was more than disrespectful. It was repulsive. She had always felt that her love for Diamond Tiara was unconditional. Now she knew that there was a prerequisite for her affection: not behaving like a coldblooded, insensitive douchebag.

Silver Spoon made a decision when she fled the hospital. This decision terrified her because of what it might mean and how it could tear her life apart if it went badly. She would stage an intervention for Diamond Tiara. If it succeeded, then all would be well.

If it failed – then a certain frog was going to have to learn how to swim without a certain scorpion on her back.

“Excuse me, sir,” said Silver Spoon, “but I’ve changed my mind. Could you please take me to the west side of the lake instead?”

“Sure thing, miss,” said the cabbie. “Are you okay?”

“No, not really. That’s why I’m switching destinations. I need to see... a friend.”

She looked around to see if Diamond Tiara had somehow caught up to her. When the coast was clear, she removed a plastic spoon and a pudding cup from her saddlebag.

Diamond Tiara paced back and forth in the hospital outpatient waiting area. It had been well over a half hour since Silver Spoon ran off and she was irate that nopony else had come for her. It was now dark out and she refused to walk all the way home unescorted. She had faith that her father would send somepony for her just as he always had in the past. Had she not been told about Miss Cheerilee’s murder, she would have been in a much fouler mood.

To pass the time, she pictured how viciously the murderer must have struck Miss Cheerilee in order to cave in the mare’s skull.

Ignoring her cries of pain. Not letting up. Showing no mercy.

Diamond Tiara certainly knew what it felt like to be on the receiving end of such treatment and as she pictured Miss Cheerilee’s ordeal a bit too vividly, the tiniest wave of sympathy tugged at her stomach – but only for a moment. She convinced herself that there was a big difference between the two attacks: Miss Cheerilee’s death was wholly deserved whereas her own beating was unwarranted. Diamond Tiara knew in her heart that she had never provoked anypony – physically. It was Miss Cheerilee’s own fault; had she not lost her temper and taught class as normal, she wouldn’t have left the schoolhouse until after three o’clock and never would have been in that part of town at that time of day to encounter her murderer.

“The police said that they have the murderer in custody,” said a voice.

Diamond Tiara’s ear rotated as she caught a conversation between an old stallion and an old mare.

“Already?" asked the mare. "That was quick.”

“Apparently he never left the scene of the crime," said the stallion. "He waited for the cops to show and he surrendered without resisting arrest.”

“He should’ve run. Poor sap must not have known that he could be banished from Equestria for murder. Who was it?”

“That’s the biggest surprise yet. It was Filthy Rich, the owner of Rich's Barnyard Bargains.”

Diamond Tiara frowned.

“Are you serious?" asked the mare. "My therapist’s nephew’s the manager of the Barnyard Bargains back home.”

Diamond Tiara approached the couple.

"Hey, you," she said. The couple turned to look at her.

“Well, hi there, little filly," said the stallion. "Did somepony leave you at the altar?”

“Eh-heh-heh-heh... No... and you’re not very funny if you have to malign a stallion like Filthy Rich to get your laughs.”

"Malign? You've got quite the vocabulary for such a small foal. Anyway, the reason I’m not funny is because I wasn’t joking. That’s who I was told the murderer was.”

“Then you heard wrong! My dad wouldn’t hurt a fly!”

“Filthy Rich is your dad?”

“Uh, yes! You must not be from around here. Don’t you know who I am?”

“You know, I think I do know you. Diamond Tiara, right?”

Diamond Tiara smirked.

“That's right,” she replied.

“Didn’t you throw a filly in front of a train not long ago?” asked the stallion.

Diamond Tiara flinched. Just how much longer would she have to be associated with Twist’s accident?

“Wait, she killed a filly and she’s walking free?” asked the mare.

“If she’s Filthy Rich’s daughter, she can afford good legal representation,” said the stallion.

“Huh. I guess it’s true what they say: the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.”

Diamond Tiara snarled.

“How would both of you like to hit me?” asked Diamond Tiara through clenched teeth. “Just once. Right here.” She tapped her right forehoof against her face.

“Mistress!” said a voice from behind her.

Diamond Tiara turned her head and saw the owner of that voice.

“Randolph!” she cried.

“My apologies, Mistress,” said Randolph. “I waited at the spa for your arrival then I – uh!” His train of thought was derailed as Diamond Tiara tugged on his saddlebag and dug through it in search of something. “... then I heard about your hospitalization and I made my way here as soon as I could.” Diamond Tiara found what she was looking for: a container of pink frosted oatmeal cookies. She stuffed her face with as many cookies as she could fit into her mouth and chewed happily.

“Wandowph.” Crumbs flew from her mouth as she spoke with her mouth full. She pointed her right forehoof at the old couple. “Veev ftupid poniev fink my dad kiwwed Miff Cheewiwee.” She swallowed the mouthful of cookie mush. “Have you ever heard anything so ludicrous? Please inform these peons just how mistaken they are to even think such a thing.”

Randolph blinked.

“Let’s get you home, Mistress,” he said. “I’ve got the carriage double parked outside.” He began to walk toward the exit.

“Randolph," said Diamond Tiara, as she followed him. "I gave you an order. My dad pays you good money to do nothing but carry out our orders. Unless you want to be fired for insubordination, I expect you to do as I say.”

“I could carry out your order, Mistress... but then I’d be the one who was mistaken.”

“What are you...?”

Diamond Tiara’s pupils narrowed as she deciphered her butler’s mildly cryptic statement. She knew that Randolph knew better than to mislead her. She looked back at the couple with whom she had a conversation and then back at Randolph. The aged stallion was facing forward as he walked to the parking lot. He was all business, doing and saying nothing to console her. He was simply doing what he was paid to do and nothing more.

With her head hung low, Diamond Tiara followed her butler. Silently.

Knowing that her father would not be coming home made her sick to her stomach. Her attitude had abandoned her. Her friend Silver Spoon had abandoned her. All she had was a bag of cookies and an old butler who was taking her to an empty mansion. She took a quick mental inventory of the things that she felt were the most important to her. As each one came to mind, she measured it against the stallion who she had loved since she was a tiny foal and they all paled in significance. She envisioned his kind eyes, his warm smile, and his gentle demeanor – but she couldn’t bring herself to envision him locked away in a cell with common gutter trash ponies. Doing so broke her heart.

There was no mystery as to why her father had killed Miss Cheerilee. Just like he had chased away the scary foal-eating monsters living under her bed when she was a little filly, he played the role of her hero once more and dealt with a new monster, one that was more palpable than the imaginary ones.

There was also no mystery as to the pony most responsible for creating that monster.

She followed the sound of Randolph’s hoofsteps since her vision had become too warped with tears to reply on her sight.

What have I done? she wondered as she wept.

The magical ashes of Princess Twilight Sparkle’s dragon-incinerated message to Princess Celestia flew through the window of the castle and vanished into the moonlit sky. Twilight, along with Spike, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash, were having a late night meeting to discuss the recent goings-on in Ponyville.

“There,” said Spike. “It’s on its way.”

“Thanks, Spike,” said Twilight. “I hate to cut Princess Celestia’s visit to Saddle Arabia short almost as much as I hate to keep you up past your bedtime... but I know that she’d want to be made aware of this and return to Equestria.”

Spike's ear spines drooped.

“I still can’t believe Cheerilee’s... gone,” he said softly.

“I know how you feel," said Twilight. "Cheerilee was one of the nicest and most intelligent mares I’ve ever met. And Filthy Rich was... well, I guess there’s no point in saying anything nice about him now. I just never would have guessed that he had it in him to take a life.”

“Me neither,” said Applejack, “...an’ his family’s done business with mine fer generations. The Riches’ve always been salt o’ the earth Ponyville folk, same as the Apples... well, at least until now.”

“I never met Filthy Rich.” said Spike, “but how could he... how could anypony... do what he did?”

Twilight held Spike gently in her foreleg.

“Are you going to be okay, Spike?” asked Fluttershy.

“I want to say yes,” replied Spike, “but... okay, so I know we’ve all faced dangerous villains before... but it was never one of our own neighbors. If this could happen out of the blue to a pony as beloved as Cheerilee, who’s to say that it couldn’t happen to one of you guys? And Pinkie Pie is-”

Twilight nuzzled her number one assistant.

“Shh... Hey, look at me,” she said. Spike looked up at Twilight. “We appreciate you worrying about us but we can take care of ourselves... and we will find Pinkie Pie. Would you like me to tuck you into bed?”

Spike nodded.

“G’night, everypony,” said Spike, waving his claw at his pony friends.

“G’night, Spike,” said Rainbow Dash. The others chimed in and wished Spike a good night simultaneously as both he and Twilight left the room. Moments later, Twilight returned.

“Okay,” she said, “I kept Spike in the dark about some of the more gruesome details but there’s more to it than what you heard so brace yourselves. Cheerilee wasn’t just murdered randomly. From the looks of it, she was also marenapped and held against her will. When the police found her body, they say her legs were bound with duct tape and that she was chained to a radiator.”

“Good heavens,” said Rarity.

“Ah think ah’m gonna be sick,” said Applejack.

“Oh, poor Cheerilee,” said Fluttershy. “She must’ve been so scared.”

“How brave do you have to be to beat on a mare who can’t defend herself?” asked Rainbow Dash. “I’d like to see him try to get the drop on me.” She threw a few of her best karate combination punches. “That no-good son of a mule.”

“Rainbow!” shouted Twilight. “How many times have I told you not to put down mules like that?”

“Oh. Yeah. Sorry, Twilight.”

“Uhhh! I don’t know how that ridiculous expression ever found its way into the Equestrian lexicon. Everypony knows mules can’t have offspring.” Twilight did a double take as the expressions on her friends’ faces led her to believe that perhaps not everypony was aware of the sterility of mules. “Wait, you did know that – didn’t you?”

“Sure, I did,” said Rainbow Dash with a guilty smile. “Heh. Common knowledge, really.”

“Of course, darling,” said Rarity, looking away.

“Does a bear spit in the woods?” asked Fluttershy rhetorically.

“Ah didn't know that,” admitted Applejack, pulling her hat over her red face. “I tell ya, some days it just don’t pay ta be the spirit of the Element o’ Honesty.”

“On to our next order of business,” said Twilight. “Pinkie Pie. Who here saw her last?”

“I did,” said Fluttershy, “but I have no idea where she could be now. The Cakes said that she didn’t come home for lunch or dinner. I took Gummy with me and left him back home with Angel, just in case... and he only bit me once. Um, Gummy, not Angel. Oh, but there’s something I haven’t told you. Something scary. When Pinkie ran off... she was shedding tears of b-b-blood.”

“Blood?” asked Applejack.

“No wonder she ran away,” said Rainbow Dash. “Who wouldn’t be freaked out by something like that?”

“Girls? I’ve seen Pinkie Pie cry blood tears once before.”

“Oh? When?”

“On the day that Twist died. Pinkie told me that she saw a doctor and that she was given a clean bill of health. Since she never brought it up again, I assumed that this was an isolated incident. Obviously, that’s not the case. I thought that it might have been a Pinkie sense but for what, neither of us knew.”

Twilight gasped.

“Wait a second. If it happened on the day that Twist died and then again today when Miss Cheerilee died...”

Rarity gasped.

“Oh, my stars,” she said. “She has a Pinkie sense...”

“...that tells her when somepony’s died,” said Twilight.

“But that doesn’t add up,” said Applejack. “Ah’ve been Pinkie’s friend since we were young’uns an’ ah ain’t never once seen her cry blood tears. An’ there must’ve been hundreds o’ ponies throughout Equestria who’ve passed on durin’ that time.”

“Maybe it’s just limited to deaths that happen within a one mile radius or something?” proposed Rainbow Dash.

“There’s no way to know for sure,” said Twilight. “What we can assume is that Pinkie Pie’s scared out of her wits. We need to find her and fast.”

“Oh, my,” said Rarity, “I do believe that... I’m about to faint... uh-h-h...” Rarity listed to her left, then swayed to her right – and as her eyes closed and her legs gave out, she fell into the waiting forelegs of Fluttershy who caught her before she hit the floor. Rarity’s eyes reopened with narrow pupils. She lifted her left forehoof to her face and stopped up her nose. She quickly distanced herself from Fluttershy. “EWWW! Fluddershy! Whyever do you sbell like vobit?”

“Oh! I’m so sorry about that,” said Fluttershy as she blushed and cowered in shame. “When I-” Fluttershy held her tongue as Rainbow Dash approached her and took a whiff.

“EWWW!” cried Rainbow Dash as she recoiled from Fluttershy and coughed. “She does!”

“Hold on a second,” said Applejack. “Rainbow, Rarity just said that Fluttershy smelled like vomit... an’ that made ya wanna run up ta Fluttershy and smell her fer yerself?” asked Applejack. “Why wouldja do that? Shouldn’t the word ‘vomit’ have tipped ya off ta do the exact opposite o’ whatcha did? Didja not believe her or somethin’?”

Rainbow Dash blushed.

“I... Oh, get off my back, would you, AJ?” she spat. “I do what I want.”

“Y’know, ah have some pig manure back at the farm,” said Applejack as she smirked and patted Rainbow Dash on the shoulder condescendingly. “Ah’d tell ya it smells like pig manure but, uh... ah’ll let you be the judge since ah don’t wanna spoil yer fun.”

“I don’t need to smell pig manure, Applejack,” grumbled Rainbow Dash as she shoved Applejack’s foreleg away angrily. “Not when I can smell your breath just fine.”

Applejack gasped and then frowned.

“Why, you little-”

Applejack charged at Rainbow Dash. Rainbow Dash took a karate stance.

No contact was made. Twilight levitated both mares and moved them apart.

“Focus, guys," said Twilight sternly. "We’ve got a missing friend on our hooves. This is no time for squabbling.”

“She started it!” said Rainbow Dash.

“Did not!” said Applejack.

“I DON’T CARE WHO STARTED IT!” shouted Twilight in a Royal Canterlot Voice. “IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO! NOW WHY DON’T YOU TWO START PRETENDING THAT I’M A PRINCESS LONG ENOUGH TO DECIDE ON YOUR OWN TO STOP FIGHTING IN FRONT OF ME INSTEAD OF WAITING FOR ME TO TELL YOU?! AND BEFORE EITHER OF YOU MAKE A JOKE ABOUT IT, YES, I AM PREMENSTRUAL!!”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack stared at Twilight, frightened into silence.

“That’s better,” said Twilight. She coughed and held her left forehoof over her nose. “Okay, whew, I just got a whiff of you, Fluttershy. Why do you smell like vomit anyway?” Twilight spread her wings and fanned the scent away from herself.

“When I carried Mayor Mare to the hospital, she threw up on me,” said Fluttershy. “A lot. That might explain why Gummy stopped biting me after the first munch. Anyway, that was when Rainbow Dash found me and told me that Miss Cheerilee’s body was found. I flew so fast to keep up with her that the air must have dried me off. With so many things happening all at once, I haven’t had a chance to shower off yet.”

“Absolutely unacceptable!” Rarity levitated a long handled scrub brush and produced a large washtub filled with soapy water from a compartment beneath her throne.

“You keep a... tub filled with soap and water... on standby?” asked Fluttershy.

“No excuses! We must remedy that offensive odor at once! Get in.”

Fluttershy gave her friend an offended look.

“I’m not a foal, Rarity,” she said. “I can wash mysel-”

“NOWWWW!” shouted Rarity.

Fluttershy squeaked and obediently hopped into the tub. Rarity levitated Fluttershy’s mane and tied her hair up in a bun before scrubbing her back rigorously with the bath brush.

“I’d like nothing more than to lead the search for Pinkie Pie myself,” said Twilight, “but as the resident princess, I’m needed here at the castle. Rainbow Dash? You team up with Applejack. Fluttershy, you team up with Rarity. A pegasus per team. If there’s any news, I want you to fly back here and report your findings to me.”

“I’m scared,” said Fluttershy.

“Don’t worry, Fluttershy,” said Rarity. “Filthy Rich is in custody for now. He won’t be swinging a mallet for a long time.”

“I’m not scared of him. I’m scared for him.”

“Fluttershy, he’s a murderer,” said Rainbow Dash.

“He’s still a pony, Rainbow Dash, and he must be frightened right about now. Taken away from his friends and family. He may never get to see his daughter again.”

“He won’t be convicted for this,” said Rarity.

“What makes you think he won’t get convicted?” asked Rainbow Dash. “He was caught redhoofed.”

“He’s wealthy. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon weren’t penalized for their involvement in Twist’s death, remember? The wealthy have ways of getting around the law.”

“Not this time,” said Twilight. “I’ve done some research. In serious cases such as this, a princess has the right to step in and act as judge. I’m sure that once Princess Celestia gets back from Saddle Arabia, she’ll appoint herself as judge so that there’s no possibility of a payoff.”

“Oh mah stars!” yelped Applejack. “Big Macintosh!”

“Aaaah!” squealed Fluttershy as she covered her torso with her forelegs. “Where? Send him away! I’m bathing!”

Rainbow Dash facehoofed.

“He ain’t here, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “He was sweet on Cheerilee once upon a time. When he hears Filthy Rich killed ‘er, he’ll go plum loco! He’s liable ta go down ta the police station and bend them iron bars open ta wring Filthy Rich’s neck! They’ll be forced ta beat ‘im down an’ arrest ‘im an’...” Applejack trotted in place nervously. “Ah am so sorry, gals, but ah can’t join ya on your search fer Pinkie. I gotta go back home right now an’ talk him down. Maybe if he hears it from me an’ ah break it to ‘im all gentlelike, he won’t be quite so sore.”

“It’s okay, Applejack,” said Twilight. “We understand that your family comes first... and at least we’ll know where to find you if we need to.”

“Good luck with findin’ Pinkie Pie, guys,” said Applejack as she ran for the door. “Don’t hesitate ta come on down ta the farm an’ let me know if you’ve found her.”

Pinkie Pie zipped from bush to bush as she made her way through the Everfree Forest. The woods were always dangerous but they were doubly so at night. She was still wearing the mask she had taken from Cheerilee’s wall earlier. It made her feel stealthy, even dangerous. A part of her wanted some ferocious creature to cross her path so that she could convert some of her recent anguish into fighting spirit.

However, Pinkie wasn’t in the Everfree Forest tonight to tangle with manticores or cockatrices. She was taking the path to Zecora’s hut to pay the zebra herbalist a visit. If anyone in Equestria could help her decipher and/or extinguish this frightening new Pinkie sense, it was Zecora.

“Zecoraaaa,” called out Pinkie as she knocked on her door. She attempted to open the door and found that it wasn’t locked. It made sense. Who would dare venture this far into the forest apart from Zecora and those wishing to meet with her? Pinkie decided to let herself in and wait for Zecora to return.

She took a seat and spotted a bottle on the fireplace. She recognized it as the leftover potion that Twilight used to see the past when Princess Celestia and Princess Luna went missing. Zecora said that she didn’t dare try to use the potion herself. Pinkie, on the other hoof, was a born daredevil. She wanted to drink the potion herself and see the past as vividly as Twilight claimed to have seen it. Perhaps the potion could clue her in as to why she had this new blood-transferring Pinkie sense. Or perhaps the potion could poison her. She dismissed that notion quickly. Why would Zecora keep poisons in her home? And if Zecora had no plans on using it herself, she certainly wouldn’t miss it if it were to disappear.

“Hmmm... Should I? Or shouldn’t I?” she asked herself. “I don’t usually help myself to food or drink that doesn’t belong to me. Wait, what am I saying? Of course I do.”

Pinkie lifted her mask, drank every last drop of the potion, set the bottle down, and returned the mask to her face.

She smacked her lips. The potion didn’t taste anything at all like what she was expecting. The flavor was reminiscent of black coffee and its consistency was water thin. She sat on the floor and wondered which era of the past she would see. She remembered there was a slight delay before the potion took effect on Twilight and so Pinkie prepared herself for the trip through time.

Ten times that amount of time came and went, all with no magical trip to the past.

“Guess it must have exceeded its expiration date,” she said with a disappointed sigh.

Pinkie Pie noticed that she was starting to tremble. It wasn’t a doozy shiver. She was just cold. The fireplace wasn’t lit and the candles around the hut were not up to the task of creating enough heat to fend off the chilly night air. Pinkie chose not to start a fire since she didn’t want to alarm Zecora by having her return from her outing to find smoke coming from her chimney. She walked over to a coat rack where she found one of Zecora’s spare cloaks. She put it on and felt much warmer.

Pinkie looked around at all of the decorative wooden masks hanging on the walls of the hut. She removed what looked like a timberwolf mask off the wall and brought it to a mirror. She removed the comedy mask, put on the timberwolf mask and looked in the mirror. She growled and howled but she was no Rainbow Dash. She removed the wooden mask, set it down, and looked at herself in the mirror. Trails of dried blood remained on her face from when she shed the crimson tears back in Cheerilee’s house. As Pinkie started to rub the blood from her cheeks, she wondered why she had shed Twist’s blood a second time.

Pinkie’s hoof came in contact with the blood and she gasped as she suddenly found herself not in Zecora’s primitive hut but in some room in a mordern building of some sort. The room was furnished with an easy chair, a bed, a lamp and a nightstand.

“Holy moley, the potion worked!” exclaimed Pinkie excitedly. “This place doesn’t look very ancient. I must not have traveled back that far in time.” Pinkie sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose. “Ew... something smells like pee in here.”

Pinkie heard a whimper and then a muffled scream. She walked to the far side of the bed and shrieked as she saw her friend Cheerilee writhing on the floor. The purple mare had been chained to a radiator. She was crying and struggling to free herself from duct tape that somepony had wrapped around her mouth and ankles. The

“Oh, my gosh!” said Pinkie. “Cheerilee! What happened?” Opening her mouth, Pinkie leaned in to bite and remove the tape that had been stuck on Cheerilee’s mouth. Her snout passed through Cheerilee’s face as though she was a ghost. Pinkie tried again and found that she couldn’t touch Cheerilee at all. She stood up straight and whimpered.

“What’s going on?” asked Pinkie. “Why can’t I... oh, no... If this is the past, then this has already happened... and I can’t do anything about it. But when did this happen? Oh, Cheerilee... what am I gonna do?”

Pinkie screamed as a loud noise erupted from behind her. She turned around and saw Filthy Rich had broken the door down by running through it. His eyes were filled with rage as he approached the trapped Cheerilee who was screaming as loudly as she could through her taped shut mouth.

Pinkie gulped as she deduced that what she was witnessing had taken place earlier today.

Filthy Rich must have looked as angry as he did because he wanted revenge for what Cheerilee had done to his daughter Diamond Tiara.

Pinkie understood now. The blood tears she shed earlier today didn’t come from Twist. They came from Cheerilee’s death – which Pinkie was now seconds away from witnessing herself.

“Oh, Celestia...” she said again, shaking her head back and forth slowly as fear twisted in her gut. Tears streamed down her face as the inevitable was unfolding before her. Knowing that she was powerless to stop what was about to happen, she still charged at Filthy Rich in an attempt to intercept him. She moaned as she passed through him harmlessly. She tried to buck him but her hooves didn’t connect. “No... No... please don’t hurt her. Please? Please?”

She watched in horror as Filthy Rich walked over to the easy chair and picked a long object up with his mouth. It was a croquet mallet. He walked closer to Cheerilee.

“Please put that down, Filthy! Stop! STOOOOOP!!!”

Filthy Rich turned his head so that the head of the mallet was behind him. He stood on his hind legs, turned his head and grunted as he brought the mallet down on Cheerilee’s head.

Pinkie Pie closed her eyes and screamed over and over. The sound of her own screams was only loud enough to drown out the sounds of Cheerilee’s skull cracking open and the blood that was babbling and flowing freely onto the carpet from the freshly made gashes in Cheerilee’s head. She could still hear Filthy Rich grunt angrily with each swing of the mallet – as well as the strikes themselves. The nauseating smell of coppery blood and pulverized tissue invaded Pinkie’s nostrils and she held her nose to keep from vomiting. For a flashback which she couldn’t touch, her other senses were certainly being given a lot to work with.

Pinkie crumpled onto the carpet and wept for her dear friend. The mallet strikes ceased and she heard Filthy Rich’s labored breathing. She then heard a thud which she reasoned was the sound of Filthy Rich throwing the mallet down, having completed his murderous task.

“OH, MY CELESTIA!!” cried an unknown stallion who sounded as though he stood just outside the broken door. “Police! Help! Police! Murder! Bloody murderrr!!”

Pinkie Pie sniffled and as she did, she caught the aroma of chamomile. She stifled her tears for a moment and listened. She heard nothing except for her own heartbeat and her rapid breathing. She stood on all fours and opened her eyes.

She was back in Zecora’s hut. She blinked and looked around. She caught her reflection in the mirror. She had cried so much that the tears had washed her face clean of blood. Her hair had also straightened out, as it did anytime she lost a friend. She approached the mirror carefully. Did this mirror somehow have the power to activate her flashback? She retraced her steps to figure out exactly what she was doing when it happened.

Was it the mask? she asked herself. Was it when I took it off?

Pinkie gasped.

No, she thought. It was the blood. I touched Cheerilee’s blood on my face... and that’s when the potion took me back to show me how she died.

Pinkie’s heart jumped out of her throat as the silence of the hut was compromised by the clatter at the front door as it opened. Zecora had returned.

“Why, hello, Pinkie Pie, and how do you do?” asked Zecora as she approached Pinkie. “When I opened my door, I was not expecting to find you.”

Pinkie was about to reply to Zecora when the zebra’s eyes were drawn to the empty bottle. Zecora gasped.

“Did you enter my home and then drink this white potion?” asked Zecora. "Whatever gave you such a ridiculous notion? It was not intended for earth ponies to ingest! Its properties have not yet been put to the test!”

“It works on earth ponies, too, Zecora,” said Pinkie weakly. “It just works a little differently. Do you remember my Ponyville friend Cheerilee? The town teacher?” Pinkie lowered her head. “She’s... dead now. She was murdered by Filthy Rich. The potion took me back to the moment it happened. I saw it with my own eyes.” Pinkie’s eyes glistened with new tears. “I’m so sorry I drank your potion. My curiosity got the better of me.”

“Nopony should see such a terrible sight,” said Zecora sympathetically. “I forgive you for drinking my potion of white. I am sorry for the loss of your friend, Pinkie Pie. It must have been tragic to watch your friend die.”

“You have no idea,” said Pinkie as she placed her right foreleg behind Zecora’s neck. Their cheeks brushed against each other and Pinkie instantly felt her eyes burn. “AH!!” She shut them but doing so burned her eyelids.

She reopened them – and found herself standing in the middle of a lonely, dry savannah in broad daylight. The heat of the sun was so brutal that it distorted the horizon of the vast flatland.

“Ohhhh, what the Tartarus is this?” asked Pinkie Pie out loud as sweat poured down her forehead. “Why is this happening? I already had my flashback from drinking the potion once... so why am I having another one if I didn’t drink the potion a second time?”

Pinkie heard a whimper followed by the sound of somepony crying. That sound didn’t lead to anything pleasant in her first flashback and so she turned around slowly, hoping that she would fare better this time around.

There, impaled on a spit from mouth to plot, was the skinned corpse of a zebra, roasting above a bonfire. Pinkie deduced that the corpse was that of a zebra from the pile of black and white striped skin that stood out like an island in a veritable swamp of bloody grass.

Beside the spit sat a young Zecora. She was holding a piece of the roasted flesh of the corpse in her hooves and she ate it as she cried and sang sorrowfully at the sky in her native tongue.

Though she didn’t think it was possible, Pinkie Pie was horrified beyond what she had felt during the first flashback.

“OH, CELESTIA!” she screamed. “OH, CELESTIAAAAAA!!!”

She lost her balance while turning to run away and she fell on her belly.

When she hit the ground, she was back in Zecora’s chilly hut in the Everfree Forest. Pinkie looked behind her. When she saw Zecora standing over her, she screamed and scooted away.

“AHHHH!!! GET AWAY FROM MEEEE!!” cried Pinkie, trembling with fear. “YOU’RE A CANNIBAL! A CANNIBAAAAL!!”

Zecora gasped at the accusation but Pinkie didn’t stick around long enough to witness it. She scrambled to her hooves, opened the door to the hut, and took off galloping like a bolt of lightning.

She didn’t stop running until she was back in Ponyville. Once there, she stopped in front of a stallionhole cover, removed it, climbed down the ladder to enter the sewer, and returned the cover.

Mutiny

The taxi carriage came to a stop in front of Sweetie Belle’s house. Silver Spoon wasn’t going to need her saddlebag to speak to Sweetie Belle so she removed it and tossed it onto her seat. She hopped out and approached the cabbie.

“Please wait here for a while, sir,” she requested politely.

“You’ve got a Platinum VIP account, Miz Spoon,” noted the cabbie. “I’m at your disposal. I’ll wait here until morning if you need me to.”

She approached the house and knocked on the door. With any luck, Sweetie Belle wouldn’t slam it in her face. A middle aged white stallion with a mustache opened the door and stepped out to greet her.

“Good evening, little lady,” he said cheerfully.

“Good evening, sir,” said Silver Spoon. “Is this Sweetie Belle’s home?”

“It is, indeed. Silver Spoon, right?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Hondo Flanks, Sweetie Belle’s dad.”

“A pleasure to meet you, Mister Flanks.”

“Likewise, I’m sure.” Hondo pointed at the gauze pad that was taped on Silver Spoon’s cheek. “Say, that’s some field dressing you’ve got there, private. How’d you get it?”

“I... hurt myself,” replied Silver Spoon, touching the pad gently with her left forehoof. “It feels like all I ever do lately is hurt myself. A-Anyway, I’m sorry to bother you at this time of night but I was wondering if I could speak with Sweetie Belle for a few minutes. It’s kind of important.”

“Sorry but she’s not here. She went to meet up with her friends at their clubhouse at Sweet Apple Acres. She took off right after she finished her supper.”

Right after Hondo said the word supper, Silver Spoon detected the most delightful aroma of roasted garlic, tomatoes, onions, peppers, and herbs. Her mouth watered. The pudding she ate earlier didn’t put as much of a dent in her appetite as she would have liked, nor did the nutrient-free wad of grape gum she swallowed. Her parents forbade their servants from providing her with late night food or snacks and there were no restaurants in Ponyville that stayed open past ten o’clock.

“Oh, wow,” said Silver Spoon. “If I were Sweetie Belle, I’d still be here... having seconds and thirds of whatever that wonderful smell is.”

“That would be my wife’s homemade marinara sauce," said Hondo. "It’s spaghetti and wheatballs night... but you can smell for yourself just how my Cookie can turn something simple into something special. She even makes the wheatballs from scratch. We’ve got plenty left over. Would you like to pull up a chair and have a plate?”

ALL OF MY YES! squealed Silver Spoon’s stomach.

“That’s so kind of you to offer, Mister Flanks,” said Silver Spoon, “but I’m really pressed for time.”

Oh, my Celestia, I hate you, like, so... much right now, grumbled Silver Spoon’s stomach. You have, like, no idea.

“Okey-dokey, artichokey,” said Hondo. “Sweetie Belle left almost a half hour ago so she should be arriving at the clubhouse right around now. If your cabbie’s quick on his hooves, you might be able to catch up with her before their meeting’s up. You know where the clubhouse is, right?”

“Yes, I know exactly where it is,” replied Silver Spoon. “Thank you so much for your help, Mister Flanks.”

“Yeah, no problem. Oh, and Sweetie Belle and I had a little talk about that whole tail pulling thing. I doubt that you’ll have to worry about that ever happening again.”

Silver Spoon grinned.

“I see. Well, thank you again, Mister Flanks. I’ll be on my way now. Have a good night.”

“Thanks, you too. Hey, what’s that?”

“Hm?”

Silver Spoon turned around to look at what had caught Hondo’s attention but saw nothing out of the ordinary. She turned back around and saw a small clear plastic tub levitating in front of her containing a lone wheatball which was smothered in a generous amount of the out of this world marinara sauce her nasal passages had admired from afar.

“One for the road,” said Hondo with a grin. “I insist.”

Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped.

“This is one wheatball?” she remarked as she broke into a smile, inspecting the massive sphere of deliciousness and the chunky sauce in which it resided – which, to her delight, contained juicy mushroom slices as well as some carrot slices. “It’s, like, the size of a billiard ball!” She looked up at Hondo and smiled. “You really are too kind, Mister Flanks.” She bowed her head, took a step under the tub and raised her head carefully to take the gift into her possession.

“Aw, shucks,” said Hondo, canceling his levitation spell once Silver Spoon had the tub balanced on her head properly. “‘Kill ‘em with kindness’ was what my mom always used to say.”

“Then consider me dead and buried.” Silver Spoon walked back to the carriage. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome. Ask your folks if you can come over and have supper with us tomorrow night. We’re having eggplant parmigiana.”

“I’ll do that,” said Silver Spoon, knowing that she would ask no such thing of her parents. Assuming that Sweetie Belle would permit her to enter her home as a dinner guest, all Silver Spoon would have to do is inform her servants where she’d be as well as when she would be returning and the matter would be settled. “Good night.”

Hondo grinned, waved goodbye, and went back inside the house.

Silver Spoon climbed into the taxi carriage, sat on the bench and took the tub into her forehooves where she rested it in her lap. A bit of steam had collected and condensed around the rim of the tub, indicating that the food within was still pleasantly warm.

“To Sweet Apple Acres, please,” she said to the cabbie.

“Yes, ma’am,” replied the cabbie.

As the carriage began its trip, Silver Spoon took a deep sniff of the wheatball and exhaled with an elated sigh. She reached into her saddlebag and removed the plastic spoon which sat in the empty pudding cup she placed there. She scooped a chunk out of the wheatball, dipped the chunk into the sauce, placed it in her mouth, and chewed.

Two chews later, Silver Spoon knew that this wheatball was not meant to be eaten daintily. It was meant to be– neigh, it begged to be gobbled. She quickly returned the spoon to the saddlebag and plunged her muzzle into the wheatball container, devouring the tasty morsel along with every dollop of the rich and zesty marinara sauce she could find. When every last crumb was gone, she licked the tub and her muzzle clean. If a drop of the sauce had fallen on the carriage bench, she might have considered licking that up as well. As she lay back in her seat and used her tongue to draw out any oregano leaf particles stuck between her teeth, she couldn’t fathom how Sweetie Belle or anypony could ever tire of being treated to such fabulous food.

Cool sister, cool father, and her mom’s a fantastic cook? thought Silver Spoon. My mom needs a recipe to use a pepper shaker! Did Sweetie Belle win some kind of super-family lottery or something?

Without warning, a robust belch escaped from her mouth. She covered her mouth with both forehooves and blushed.

Sweet Apple Acres was just as beautiful at night as it was during daylight hours. The scores of apple trees that the carriage passed along the way greeted Silver Spoon with a rustle as the gentlest of breezes danced through their leaves. Feeling capricious, she blew a kiss at the trees. She reasoned that if they chose not to accept her token of affection, it wouldn’t be the first time she was turned down.

“Please wait here,” she instructed. “I shouldn’t be long.”

“Uhhh, this is private property, Miz Spoon,” said the cabbie. “Do you have permission to be here?”

“Not exactly... but I do have permission to issue you a one hundred percent tip if I’m pleased with your service.”

The cabbie blinked.

“Oh, my, how unfortunate,” he said as he squinted and craned his neck out. “In this dim moonlight, I seem to have lost sight of my passenger. She could be anywhere. I wouldn’t want to strand the poor filly out here after dark. Guess I’d better wait right here until she comes back.”

Silver Spoon smiled. Turning around, she squeezed through the foliage that concealed a shortcut to the clubhouse.

As she made her way through the dense brush, she recalled the time when she and Diamond Tiara took over the clubhouse with the help of Babs Seed. Babs was, in a word, fun. With her fearless big city attitude, Babs picked on the Cutie Mark Crusaders in ways that she and Diamond Tiara had never dared to explore and it was as hilarious to watch her in action as it was exciting. There was an element that Babs brought to the table that created a void when she left – her presence leveled the playing field, numerically speaking. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had three members and, for a time, so did they.

Silver Spoon’s thoughts drifted back to her present day concerns regarding Diamond Tiara and the intervention which she planned to stage for her. If it went badly, would the Cutie Mark Crusaders really be willing to take her in as a friend like Sweetie Belle said they might? Silver Spoon shook her head rapidly to rid herself of the foolish notion. She wasn’t going to need their friendship. She convinced herself that the intervention would not fail as long as she remained positive.

Sweetie Belle ascended the ramp to the clubhouse door and let herself in. She was saddened to find Apple Bloom and Scootaloo holding one another and crying, with Scootaloo being the more grief stricken of the two.

“Hi, guys,” said Sweetie Belle softly. She walked over to her friends and turned the embrace into a group hug, closing her eyes as she held them. “Still upset about Miss Cheerilee getting fired, huh? I can’t say that I blame you.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo broke the hug and stared at their friend. Sweetie Belle met their stares with confusion.

“What?” she asked.

“Ya haven’t heard?” croaked Apple Bloom.

“Heard what?” asked Sweetie Belle, noticing that Apple Bloom’s bow was droopy. She sat on the floor and gasped, covering her mouth with both forehooves. She grimaced as she imagined some bad news. “Oh, no, has she already been arrested? Has she fled Ponyville?”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at one another. Their breathing was labored as the air did its best to squeeze past the lumps in both their throats. Scootaloo dragged her foreleg across her snout to wipe her runny nose.

“Sweetie Belle,” whimpered Apple Bloom as her lip quivered. A tear that hung from her jaw fell to the floor. “Miss Cheerilee’s dead.”

Sweetie Belle felt as though a knife stabbed her in the gut. Her eyes glossed over with tears and her mouth hung open in disbelief.

“D-D-Dead?,” whimpered Sweetie Belle. “How?”

“She was murdered,” whimpered Apple Bloom. “The police say she was raped an’ beaten ta death – by Filthy Rich. They caught him but... Miss Cheerilee was pronounced dead at the scene o' the crime.”

Sweetie Belle dropped to the floor and bawled loudly, mourning the loss of the mare who meant as much to her as any member of her own family.

Seated on the deck of the clubhouse with her back to the wall, Silver Spoon quickly covered her mouth and stifled a whimper that would have given her away. How could Diamond Tiara’s father be Miss Cheerilee’s murderer? She thought about how she had seen him hours earlier at the hospital and remembered how furious he growled when he ran off. She hated to admit it but the crazed look in his eye should have tipped her off that something bad was about to happen. Diamond Tiara was his pride and joy. Any father would be angry at somepony who hurt their child. One might even be driven to seek retribution from their child’s attacker... but to commit rape? Silver Spoon felt sick to her stomach. Two of the most revolting acts an equine could visit upon another equine and Miss Cheerilee had been subjected to both.

Poor Diamond Tiara must be a complete wreck by now, she thought. Oh, Miss Cheerilee. I’m so sorry.

“We thought you knew,” said Apple Bloom in a monotone voice. "Now that you know, we can begin the ceremony." She looked at Scootaloo and nodded.

Scootaloo took her cape off the coat rack,approached the podium, stood on her hind legs, and then placed the cape on top of the podium.

“We," said Scootaloo, "the founding members of the Cutie Mark Crusaders, do hereby foresake our vow to work together to earn our cutie marks.”

Stifling her grief for a moment, Sweetie Belle lifted her head to look at Scootaloo and wondered if she hadn’t misheard the pegasus. It sounded as though she was announcing the disbanding of the Cutie Mark Crusaders but that couldn’t be right.

“It is our hope that we can still take up this noble cause once again in the future,” continued Scootaloo. “But for the time being, we can make no promises. Our new calling demands that we devote ourselves to it completely until we see it through to the bitter end. From now until we achieve our new goal, we are...” Scootaloo removed and flipped her Cutie Mark Crusader cape to its gold silk side. She tied it back on, symbolizing that the journey which they would never stop had indeed stopped. “...The Order of The Omelet.”

Apple Bloom nodded vacantly. She went to the coat rack to get her own cape and she put the cape on upside down.

“The Order of The... Omelet?” remarked Sweetie Belle.

“Miss Cheerilee was like... a mother goose to all three of us,” explained Scootaloo. “Now that she’s been taken from us, I feel like a broken egg... but you can make something out of three broken eggs: an omelet. That’s what we are now. Filthy Rich killed somepony we loved...”

The highlights in Scootaloo’s bloodshot eyes began to quiver. She shut her eyes and let out a sustained cry of anguish.

“I’m gonna tell you guys something that I’ve never told anypony,” whimpered Scootaloo, forcing the words out through her grief. “Not even Rainbow Dash. I... I always kinda hoped that Miss Cheerilee would adopt me someday. I used to dream about leaving school with her and going back to her house at the end of the day. And she’d give me special help with my homework while we both made supper together. Then we’d eat and maybe play a board game or something... and then she’d tuck me into bed... and kiss me good night... and tell me that she loved me.”

Hearing Scootaloo’s tale made Apple Bloom weepy once again.

“An’ ah was sorta hopin’ that she would marry Big Macintosh so she coulda been mah sister-in-law an’ lived with me an’ mah family at Sweet Apple Acres,” confessed Apple Bloom as she sniffled and dabbed her eyes dry with a corner of her cape. “Seein’ her every day an’ havin’ her at Apple Family reunions... That woulda been a dream come true.”

“And if she had adopted me and married your brother, that would’ve made me an Apple. I could’ve had a mom and a dad and you could’ve been my aunt.”

Both Scootaloo and Apple Bloom hung their heads as they slowly came to terms with both of their dreams being dashed to pieces.

Sweetie Belle was as sympathetic to her friends’ pain as anypony else would be but she was still very concerned about this preposterous dissolution of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and what this Order of The Omelet business was all about.

Scootaloo sniffled and abandoned her weeping face for a frown. She lifted her head and continued her grim proclamation.

“The Order of The Omelet’s goal: to rid the world of the evil that is Diamond Tiara by any means necessary, once and for all, no matter the cost – so help us Celestia."

Scootaloo stuck her right forehoof out. Apple Bloom took her own right forehoof and bumped it against Scootaloo’s.

“By any means necessary,” echoed Apple Bloom resolutely. “Once and for all. No matter the cost. So help us Celestia.” She sniffled back some moisture after completing her oath.

After a moment of inactivity, Scootaloo and Apple Bloom glared at Sweetie Belle, waiting for her to take the Omelet pledge to show that she was just as dedicated to their new calling as they were. Sweetie Belle panicked as her eyes shifted from Apple Bloom’s to Scootaloo’s. Did the fire of their hatred really burn so furiously that they were willing to give up their identities as Crusaders to bring their enemy’s life to a bloody end?

“Okay, guys?” said Sweetie Belle. “Constructive criticism time. This has got to be, without a doubt, the single dumbest idea you’ve ever had! We’re not an Omelet! We’re Crusaders! And I don’t remember seeing murder in the Crusader mission statement!”

“Crusaders aren’t murderers,” grunted Scootaloo. “But we aren’t Crusaders anymore. Filthy Rich killed somepony we loved so now it’s our turn to kill somepony he loves.” She trotted to the coat rack, grabbed the last cape, and flung it at Sweetie Belle who flinched as she caught it via levitation. “If he was willing to kill for her, then her death should be about as painful to him as it gets. She started this... and we’re gonna finish it. Now quit fooling around and pledge yourself to The Order!”

Sweetie Belle trembled as she looked at her cape. Save for the lining, she stitched these capes together herself. She wasn’t about to disgrace what the cape stood for by wearing them inside out.

“No, thank you,” she said, tying her cape on red side up the way she always had; the right way. “This is stupid. I’m a Crusader for life or until I get my cutie mark, whichever comes first.”

Scootaloo snorted at Sweetie Belle’s refusal.

“You can’t not be in, Sweetie Belle!” yelled Scootaloo. “You know too much!”

Sweetie Belle opened her eyes as far as they could open.

“W-What are you saying?” asked Sweetie Belle as a drop of sweat ran down her forehead. Her ear rotated as she heard Apple Bloom’s hoofsteps behind her.

“What’re you sayin’ would be the better question,” noted Apple Bloom. “Scootaloo thinks that a Crusader would tell on us.” Sweetie Belle turned her head to look at Apple Bloom. “Are ya gonna tell on us, Crusader? Hm?”

Sweetie Belle gulped. The way the word crusader rolled off of Apple Bloom’s tongue made it sound like a dirty word, as though that organization was dead to her. Sweetie Belle averted her eyes and tried her best not to be scared as it dawned on her that she had no allies in this clubhouse.

“Y-You guys don’t understand,” she said to the floor. “You’re not thinking straight. I can’t be a part of this. I’m not in... and you can’t force me to be part of this new Omelet group.” Her heart beat at the pace of a gallop, wondering if her friends would notice that she didn’t answer Apple Bloom’s question. It was a certainty that simply swearing to them that she wouldn’t tattle was not going to appease them.

Apple Bloom turned sharply and walked over to a table where there was a small picture frame with Cheerilee’s photo in it. She held it in her teeth, approached Sweetie Belle, sat in front of her, and held it in her forehooves.

“Sweetie Belle, do ya know who this is?” asked Apple Bloom, holding the frame in front of the last Crusader. The question caught Sweetie Belle off guard.

“How can you ask me that?” scoffed Sweetie Belle. “You know I know who that is.”

“Then say her name,” commanded Apple Bloom.

“Miss Cheerilee.”

“Didja hate her?”

“Of course not!” spat Sweetie Belle as she looked at Apple Bloom.

“Don’t look at me, keep lookin’ at the pitcher.” Sweetie Belle obeyed Apple Bloom’s command. “Didja love her?”

“Of course.”

“Just a little?”

“No. I loved her a whole lot.”

“Me too. Ah loved her like she was mah own kin. Look at her eyes. Whaddya see in those eyes?”

Sweetie Belle grinned weakly.

“I see kindness... happiness... and love.”

“She loved you a whole lot, too. You know that, don’tcha?”

“Mm-hm.”

“Do ya know where she is now?”

Sweetie Belle held her tongue.

“In the... morgue?” she replied.

“That’d be mah guess. Do ya know where she’ll be goin’ after they’re done with her?”

“To the funeral home?”

“Mm-hm. And after that?”

“She’ll be put in a... coffin.”

“And after that?”

“To the cemetery.”

“And after that?”

“In a... grave.”

“And after that?”

The question was as painful to answer as it was easy.

“There’s...” Sweetie Belle’s vision clouded up with tears as she pictured the beautiful lively mare in the photo decomposing in a grave. “There’s nothing after that.”

Sweetie Belle sank to the floor as her legs slid out from under her. She buried her face in her forelegs and wailed with grief. Apple Bloom stood over her and watched the prostrate Crusader.

“So,” said Apple Bloom. “Ta summarize, somepony ya loved a lot is gonna be put in a coffin and buried in the cemetery where she’ll stay in a grave forever. Nothin’... after... that. The. End. Does that make ya happy?”

“No!”

“Does that make ya sad?”

“Yes.”

“How sad?”

Sweetie Belle sniffled.

“...Very sad...” Sweetie Belle resumed her sobbing.

Apple Bloom walked briskly to a table where there was another picture frame. It contained a photo of Diamond Tiara. When Babs Seed, Diamond Tiara, and Silver Spoon hijacked the clubhouse a while ago, this photo was one of the things they left behind as a memento. Whenever the former Cutie Mark Crusaders were bored and sitting around the clubhouse, the photo would be used as a target for spitballs as well as some unflattering and occasionally vulgar dry erase marker art. Apple Bloom returned to Sweetie Belle.

“Do ya know who this is?” asked Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle shook her head slowly as she looked up meekly at Apple Bloom’s solemn face.

“Apple Bloom...” wept Sweetie Belle as she sniffled and wiped her tears away with her right forehoof. “Please... I don’t want to do this any-”

“Do ya know... who this is?” interrupted Apple Bloom again.

“Yes!” spat Sweetie Belle, figuring that if Apple Bloom insisted on putting her through this interrogation, it would be over faster if she cooperated.

“Say her name and do not, I repeat, do not look away from this pitcher.”

Sweetie Belle fixed her eyes on the photo and swallowed.

“Diamond Tiara,” she said.

“Do ya love her?” asked Apple Bloom.

Love for Diamond Tiara? The notion was so insulting to Sweetie Belle that it angered her.

“Rut no!” she cried.

“Good answer,” said Apple Bloom. “Were you there when she made Miss Cheerilee cry?”

“Yeah.”

“Do ya remember how she laughed in Miss Cheerilee’s face?”

“Yeah.”

“Do ya remember how that made ya feel?”

“Yeah.”

“Miss Cheerilee is dead an’ gone because o’ Diamond Tiara an’ her dad. He’s probably gonna get away with killin’ her, just like Diamond Tiara got away with killin’ Twist. Does that make ya-” Sweetie Belle turned her head away from the frame and Apple Bloom quickly took the frame in her mouth and whacked it against Sweetie Belle’s snout repeatedly. “Look-at-the-pit-cherrr!”

“Stop iiiit!” whined Sweetie Belle as she closed her eyes and shoved the frame away from her face.

Scootaloo quickly ran behind Sweetie Belle and held the unicorn’s head with her forehooves, making her to face forward. Sweetie Belle struggled but Scootaloo wasn’t having it. She held the unicorn’s forelegs behind her back and used her wings to keep her head facing forward. Apple Bloom returned the frame to her forehooves and held it in front of Sweetie Belle once more.

“Keep yer eyes peeled and keep ‘em glued ta this pitcher,” ordered Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle opened her eyes and looked at the photo. The murderer’s daughter looked back at her with a smug smile. Sweetie Belle could almost hear Diamond Tiara’s irritating voice. Was there ever a time when that voice had been used for something other than bullying or teasing? And what was that voice doing now that Miss Cheerilee was dead? Was it laughing? Singing? Celebrating?

“Does knowin’ that nopony’s gonna pay fer Miss Cheerilee’s murder make ya happy?” asked Apple Bloom loudly. The sternness in the earth pony’s voice grew with each question.

“No,” replied Sweetie Belle.

“Was that a yes?”

“No!”

Sweetie Belle gulped as she felt the fire of hatred begin to build inside her. What was the point of having laws if the courts were going to let Filthy Rich get away with killing a pony as wonderful as Miss Cheerilee? It was enfuriating and frustrating.

“Does it make ya angry?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Yes!” spat Sweetie Belle.

“How angry?”

“Really angry!”

“Angry enough ta make ya wanna do somethin’ about it?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Yes!” growled Sweetie Belle. Her brow lowered over the top of her eyes as a frown overcame her.

“Just angry enough ta cuss at her?” Apple Bloom rapped Sweetie Belle in the face with the frame.

“No!”

“Just angry enough ta cry in front o’ her like a little baby?” Apple Bloom struck Sweetie Belle in the face with the frame again but with a bit more force.

“NO!”

Apple Bloom slammed the picture frame into Sweetie Belle’s face and held it there.

“WHAT’RE YA ANGRY ENOUGH TA DO TA HER?!” yelled Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle had been pushed to her limits. She had done her best but she could no longer suppress her true feelings.

Or her true power.

Apple Bloom gasped as an eerie indigo mist rose from behind the picture frame. She dropped the frame and backed away. The source of this mist was Sweetie Belle’s eyes which were illuminated by a glowing bright green energy.

Scootaloo saw the mist, immediately released Sweetie Belle, and hurried over to Apple Bloom’s side.

An aura of ebony energy surrounded Sweetie Belle’s horn. She levitated the frame containing Diamond Tiara’s photo and fired a dark blast from her horn which turned the picture frame into a smoking black blob of charred plastic.

Silver Spoon couldn’t tell what was going on inside but she knew it couldn’t be good.

“I’M ANGRY ENOUGH TO KILL HER!!” screamed Sweetie Belle. Her voice was peppered with high pitched squeaks of raw emotion.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo held each other as they stared at Sweetie Belle.

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and grimaced. Her chest expanded and contracted rapidly out of spine tingling fear and she fought the urge to run and scream for help.

“IS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED TO HEAR?!” yelled Sweetie Belle as tears of rage spilled down her face. “THAT I’M ANGRY ENOUGH TO KILL HER?! FINE!! I AM!! I HATE THAT RUTTING BITCH MORE THAN ANYTHING!! I WANT HER DEAD!!" She pointed to her eyes with her right forehoof. "I WANTED TO KILL HER THE SECOND SHE MADE MISS CHEERILEE CRY BUT I’VE BEEN FIGHTING IT ALL DAY BECAUSE THIS IS WHAT RAGE DOES TO MEEE!!”

Sweetie Belle quickly removed her cape and tied it back on – gold silk side up.

“I pledge to rid the world of that rutting piece of manure named Diamond Tiara by any rutting means necessary,” she declared. “Once and for rutting all, no matter the rutting cost, so rutting help me Celestia! There! I’m part of The Omelet!” Her brow returned to a relaxed state and she smiled. “Ohhhhhh, now I get why you called it The Order of The Omelet, Scootaloo. The lining of our capes is golden yellow like an omelet! That’s pretty clever.”

“S-S-Sweetie B-Belle,” stuttered Scootaloo. “Y-Your horn... and your eyes... W-What happened to you?”

“Duh! Dark magic happened to me,” said Sweetie Belle. “I’m not like you two. Hatred and fear can change a unicorn from the inside out. I found out that I have an aptitude for dark magic... and your little recruiting exercise just made it resurface.”

“S-So this isn’t the first time that... th-this has happened ta you?” asked Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle nodded.

“No,” she said. “Not long after...” Sweetie Belle paused. Her facial features contorted. Her eyes began to close and her mouth opened. “...AAAAH-CHOO!!” She wiped her nose on her left forehoof and saw that Scootaloo and Apple Bloom were startled by the sneeze and had curled up into a pair of tiny trembling balls of gold silk. “Guys, I know my eyes look scary but you have nothing to fear from me. I’m not gonna hurt you. I know my friends from my enemies.”

“Whew... Good ta know,” said Apple Bloom as she and Scootaloo sat up and relaxed. “You were sayin’?”

“Not long after I started training with Princess Twilight, I got stung by a bee. It hurt really bad and it made me so angry that I blasted the bee’s nest with a bolt of dark magic energy. I killed them all in one shot. I think I may have accidentally corrupted my aura somehow... but I don’t know for sure exactly what I did to do it. Dark magic doesn’t come to just any angry unicorn. I know hatred can cause it and, well, Diamond Tiara’s given me more than enough reason to hate her when she was insulting Miss Cheerilee.”

Sweetie Belle lay on her belly and held her head up by resting her jaw on her forehooves and her elbows on the floor.

“Using regular magic involves so many complicated mental exercises,” she said. “You guys have no idea how hard it is to do even the simplest of spells... but the dark stuff doesn’t involve even a fraction of that. It’s mostly just hate, point, and shoot as far as I can tell. I thought about talking to Princess Twilight and getting her to help me get rid of it but I’m too embarrassed to let her know how far I’ve strayed from her teachings. Apple Bloom? Do you remember when I begged you not to beat up Diamond Tiara?” Apple Bloom nodded. “Deep down, I wanted to beat the manure out of her just as much as you did but I was steering you away from that path because I was afraid that I’d get caught up in that same anger and that it would make my dark magic resurface. I was trying to keep it a secret.”

“Ah’m sorry,” said Apple Bloom. “Ah didn’t know.”

“Uh, yeah, I know you didn’t know... becauuuse I was keeping it a secret.”

“Oh yeah,” said Apple Bloom, conking herself on the head with her right forehoof.

“Well, it’s too late to do anything about it now but use it to our advantage. Like it or not, you woke a sleeping giant.” Sweetie Belle rubbed her forehooves together in a sinister fashion. “And this giant wants to crush herself a rich girl. I believe I can destroy Diamond Tiara with one shot the same way I destroyed that nest of bees and that picture frame. You two won’t even have to do anything. You can just stand back and watch.”

Apple Bloom shook her head.

“Nah,” she said. “You can finish her off but ah want a piece o’ that biyutch while she’s still kickin’.”

“I want to get my licks in, too,” said Scootaloo. “But with no classes in school, how are we gonna get to her? She’s not gonna open the gates to her mansion and invite us inside. I know we said ‘no matter the cost’ but if we can kill her and not get caught, I’d prefer that.”

“Don’t worry, Scootaloo,” reassured Sweetie Belle. “I have the perfect plan. Tomorrow morning, we’ll throw a rock through her bedroom window. Tied to that rock will-”

“Which one is her bedroom window?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Ground floor, west side, second window from the left,” replied Sweetie Belle.

“Wait, how did you know that?” asked Scootaloo.

“I passed by her bedroom when I went to use the bathroom back when we were invited to that pool party of hers.”

“But how did you know it was her bedroom?”

“Unless one of her servants has the word ‘Princess’ set in gold letters on their door, I’m pretty sure it’s Diamond Tiara’s bedroom. Now would you let me finish telling you my idea?” Apple Bloom and Scootaloo nodded. “Tied to that rock will be an anonymous note saying that we have proof that Filthy Rich is innocent but that we want fifteen thousand bits worth of gems in exchange for it... and that nopony else can know about the note or the deal’s off. I’ll bet that she wants her dad to be freed so badly that she’ll believe it and follow our instructions to the letter. We’ll arrange for her to come alone to a meeting place in some secluded area... say, a few yards into the Everfree Forest or something. Once she shows up, we jump her, convince her to stop breathing, bury the body, grab the gems, and we’ll split the loot three ways. Five grand in gems each.”

“Wow,” said Apple Bloom with a grin. “Stickin’ it ta the scorpion and gettin’ a few clams at the same time? Ah approve.”

Scootaloo lifted her foreleg.

“Yes?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“You want us to rob the dead?” asked Scootaloo.

“Oh, what, so you’re okay with murder but not theft? She doesn’t deserve any consideration! And valuables are valuables. But if it bothers you that much, Apple Bloom and I can split the loot two ways. That’s... seventy five hundred each.”

“Uh, no, that’s okay. I could use those gems to buy some new tools and stuff.”

“And once she’s worm food, we can take care of Silver Spoon and the murderer himself, Filthy Rich.”

Every hair on Silver Spoon’s hide stood on its end. She was on Sweetie Belle’s hit list.

“Okay, hold up," said Scootaloo. "You can take on an adult?”

“Yeah, I think so,” said Sweetie Belle.

“How are we gonna get ta him?" asked Apple Bloom. "He’s in police custody.”

“Hmm," said Sweetie Belle. "That will be quite the trick, won’t it? Maybe he’ll make bail? I dunno. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.”

“Why do ya wanna kill Silver Spoon? She’s just a lackey.”

“Do you really need a reason? She’s a rotten bully who’s every bit as bad as Diamond Tiara. And have you already forgotten that she helped kill Twist?”

“Ah guess that is true.”

“Any other objections? No? Good. Then it’s settled. Tomorrow night, The Order of The Omelet is gonna bury a diamond. I can hardly wait.”

“And I can hardly keep my eyes open,” yawned Scootaloo.

“Me neither, y’all,” croaked Apple Bloom wearily. “Ah’m calling it a night. See ya back here tomorrow mornin’.”

Silver Spoon eyes darted about frantically as she heard hoofsteps coming closer. If Apple Bloom or the others stepped outside and found her eavesdropping on their conversation, Sweetie Belle might just kill her on sight. She needed to make a break for it but the ramp was the only means of getting back down safely and hooves walking on wood made a noise. With only seconds to act, she removed her glasses, held them in her mouth, and vaulted over the railing, praying to Celestia that her landing would be a safe one and a silent one.

Her stomach turned as the ground rushed up to meet her hooves and she braced herself for the impact.

She was in luck. The landing was virtually painless and it wasn’t noisy at all. She quickly returned her glasses to her face and ran off in the direction of the taxi.

“Wait, where are you guys going?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo stopped at the door and turned around.

“To bed, o’ course,” answered Apple Bloom.

“Ditto,” said Scootaloo.

“Awww, come on, don’t leave me here,” pleaded Sweetie Belle.

“Whaddya mean ‘leave ya here’?” asked Apple Bloom. “Why ain’tcha goin’ home, too?”

Sweetie Belle rolled her eyes before pointing at them.

“Uh, hel-lo-oh?” she remarked sarcastically. “I can’t go home looking like King Sombra’s love foal.”

“Ya mean ya don’t know how ta shut off yer... eye... smoke?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Where would I have learned how to shut off dark magic? I was lucky that it went away on its own the last time. But I’m a billion times angrier at Diamond Tiara than I was at that dumb bee so who knows how much longer my eyes will look like this? My mom and dad would flip out if they saw me all darked out. So I’m staying put at the clubhouse. But I don’t wanna stay out here all by myself. Couldn’t at least one of you keep me company? Please?” Sweetie Belle pouted, hoping to gain some sympathy.

Scootaloo snickered with laughter.

“Heyyy,” grumbled Sweetie Belle. “Don’t laugh at me. You’re being mean.”

“Sorry,” said Scootaloo. “It’s just that sad puppy dog eyes don’t have the same effect when they’re smoldering with dark magic.”

“Scoots, you can go,” said Apple Bloom. “Ah’ll camp out with Sombra Belle tonight.”

“My crystal slaaaavessss...” hissed Sweetie Belle.

“Cut that out,” said Apple Bloom.

“Okay,” said Sweetie Belle, hanging her head.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo. “I’ll stop by your house on the way home and tell your mom or dad that you’re spending the night at Apple Bloom’s. That way they won’t worry when you miss your curfew.”

“Thanks, Scootaloo.”

Scootaloo hoofbumped her friends and left the clubhouse. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle fetched their sleeping bags from the supply closet.

“Ah’m plum tuckered,” said Apple Bloom as she unrolled her sleeping bag.

“Me too," said Sweetie Belle. "Or since we’re The Order of The Omelet now, maybe I should say that I’m... ‘eggs-austed’.”

Apple Bloom eye twitched at the pun.

“Ugh,” she groaned. “Do you want me ta stay or not?”

“I do want you to stay,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Then lay off the egg puns.” Apple Bloom clasped her forehooves over her mouth upon realizing that she had fired off an egg pun of her own. “That one was completely unintentional.”

“Yeah, right!”

“It was. Honest.”

“Okay, I believe you. But was mine really all that bad?”

“It was pretty bad... but... ‘omelet’ it slide this time.”

Sweetie Belle groaned and giggled. She turned off the lamp, crawled into her sleeping bag, and closed her eyes. Ten seconds later, they reopened.

“Apple Bloom?” she asked.

“Yeah?” replied Apple Bloom.

“Would it be weird to ask if we could share the same sleeping bag? It makes me think of being in a body bag... and with Miss Cheerilee gone, well... I don’t want to be alone inside it.”

Apple Bloom needed no further explanation. She crawled into Sweetie Belle’s sleeping bag and lay down behind her. Sweetie Belle grinned.

“Thanks,” she said softly, closing her eyes. As she reflected on the day’s events, she thought about how much was riding on how the next twenty four hours would turn out. She had more than a few concerns but she had her Order to back her up. Once Diamond Tiara’s blood was on her hooves, there would be no washing it off. There would only be the option to add a fresh coat of somepony else’s.

Apple Bloom sniffed and made a face.

“Did you eat garlic?” she asked.

Rather than answer the question, Sweetie Belle snored and pretended to be asleep.

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes and turned inside the sleeping bag so that her back was now to Sweetie Belle.

Applejack was walking to the archway of Sweet Apple Acres to investigate the source of a light that she spotted from the house. She found a taxi carriage parked there with its firefly lanterns on. The operator of the taxi was sitting reading a newspaper.

“Can ah help ya with somethin’, pardner?” asked Applejack.

“I don’t know,” replied the cabbie. “Can you?”

Applejack groaned and wondered if the cabbie was a distant relative of Twilight’s.

“May ah help ya with somethin’?”

“No, thank you, ma’am.”

“Then wouldja mind explainin’ ta me whatcher doin’ out here?”

“Not at all. I’m waiting for my client.”

“Yer client? An’ who might this client o’ yours be?”

“Sorry but that’s privileged information.”

“Oh, yeah? Well, this here’s mah family’s property an’ if yer client’s somepony ah don’t know an’ they’re roamin’ about freely, that’s tresspassin’... which is illegal.”

The cabbie heard small hooffalls and grinned.

“Well, it looks like I won’t be staying much longer because here she comes right now.”

Silver Spoon ran toward the taxi and jumped inside.

“Silver Spoon?” queried Applejack. “So you’re the one who’s got this taxi carriage parked outside mah farm. Mind tellin’ me whatcher doin’ traipsin’ around on Apple family property in the middle o’ the night?”

“Miss Applejack, please come with me!”

“Come with you? Where?”

“Anywhere! I’ll explain when we’re out of harm’s way! Come on! Get in!”

Applejack saw how worked up the filly was and decided to step into the carriage.

“Well, all right,” said “but this better not be some kind of prank.”

“Trust me, I’m through playing pranks. Cabbie, get us out of here!”

The taxi rattled and shook as the cabbie ran down the bumpy dirt road.

“Miss Applejack, something terrible is about to happen. Your sister and her friends are planning on murdering Diamond Tiara... and they’re gonna use dark magic to do it.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow.

“Seriously?” she asked.

“I’m dead serious! Sweetie Belle can fire dark magic energy blasts.”

“Sweetie Belle can fire energy blasts?”

“Mm-hm. I didn’t see her do it because I was eavesdropping but that’s what she said she could do.”

“Elysium help us all. Well, ah’ve tangled with dark magic before... but ah think ah know somepony a little better qualified than me ta deal with this.” Applejack turned her head to face forward. “Hey, Mister? Take us ta the castle.”

“Yes, ma’am,” said the cabbie.

“The castle?” asked Silver Spoon.

“That’s right,” confirmed Applejack. “Yer gonna talk ta Princess Twilight about what you overheard.”

Silver Spoon smiled. She was going to have an audience with the princess once again. With somepony as powerful as Princess Twilight Sparkle helping her out, the Order’s killing spree was sure to be put to an end before it even started. And the mystery of The Unspoken Wish might even be solved.

“Oh, hey,” said Applejack, “while we’re here, maybe you could help me with somethin’. You haven’t seen Pinkie Pie around town lately, have you? She’s gone missin’ an’ we’re all worried about her.”

“Sorry,” said Silver Spoon. “I saw her yesterday but I haven’t seen her since.”

Applejack nodded.

“Thanks anyway,” she said. Applejack sniffed. She leaned in toward Silver Spoon, placed her nose up against the filly’s nose and sniffed again. Silver Spoon backed away from the farm mare and put some space between herself and Applejack.

“Is something wrong?” asked Silver Spoon as she adjusted her glasses.

“Not to be rude or nothin’, sugar cube, but did you eat garlic today?” asked Applejack.

Silver Spoon winced. The wheatball she gobbled earlier was loaded with yummy roasted garlic cloves.

“Yeah,” she admitted with a sigh as she slumped in her seat. She quickly sat up straight and clasped her forehooves across her mouth. “Oh my gosh! My breath is gonna reek of garlic when I talk to Princess Twilight! How embarrassing!”

“Tell ya what,” said Applejack. “Ah’ll let ya use some o’ mah mouthwash in mah quarters back at the castle before yer meetin’ with the princess.”

Silver Spoon grinned.

“You’re such a nice pony, Miss Applejack,” she said. “Apple Bloom sure is lucky to have a big sister like you.”

“Thanks... but ya know who’s even luckier that Apple Bloom has a big sister like me?”

“Who?”

“Diamond Tiara.”

Silver Spoon nodded slowly.

“Neighmen to that,” she said.

Silver Spoon sat on the edge of her bed with a towel across her shoulders. She had just finished taking a shower and she was braiding her mane. It was morning and while she had a good night’s sleep, the worry she now felt was undoing any of the benefits that her slumber had granted her.

There was a knock at her window. Silver Spoon jumped at the sound. She turned her head and saw Diamond Tiara standing there, peering through the window and looking bedraggled. She looked as though she hadn't slept all night. Silver Spoon grinned halfheartedly at Diamond Tiara. Her friend might not have looked her best but she was alive and unharmed. Applejack and Princess Twilight reassured her that the matter of the Order of The Omelet would be resolved today - just like the intervention. Silver Spoon wrapped her scrunchie around her braid and opened the window.

“Where the Tartarus did you run off to last night, Silver Spoon?" asked Diamond Tiara. "Have you heard that my dad was the one who killed Miss Cheerilee?”

“Yes," replied Silver Spoon, "and I’m really sorry about running off the way I did but I needed to leave right away.”

“What was so important that you couldn’t even say goodbye to me first or even tell me that you were leaving?”

Silver Spoon sighed.

“We need to talk," she said. "Let's go out into the yard." She hopped through the window and walked on the grass. Diamond shuffled along as quickly as she could. Her harness tires weren't meant for this kind of terrain.

They stopped in front of a cypress tree. Silver turned to look at Diamond Tiara and sat down.

"I've got a lot to say, Di," said Silver Spoon. "And I’d like to hug you during this talk, if that’s okay.”

“Yeah, no problem," said Diamond Tiara. "I could sure use one.”

“A lot of what I’m about to say is gonna sound sappy but just deal with it for me. All right?”

“All right.”

“And please don’t interrupt me after I’ve started. Just wait until I’ve finished talking before you say anything. I want to get this all out while it’s still fresh in my head.”

Silver Spoon held Diamond Tiara in her forelegs and brought her close.

She smells wonderful, thought Silver Spoon. She always does.

“I love you, Diamond Tiara,” said Silver Spoon. “I know that you only think of me as a friend and that you can never return my deeper feelings but I’ve learned to accept that. My love for you is about more than what we could have had as fillyfriends. It’s a pure love that’s bigger, deeper, and stronger than anything I’ve ever felt for anypony. When I’m with you, it feels like I’m right where I’m supposed to be. When we’re apart, it’s like I’m only half a pony. So long as I could be with you when you smiled that smile of yours that makes my heart sing, that was all I needed. The more of myself I devoted to you, the more of myself I lost. And the more we messed with ponies, the less it bothered me. Simply put, I loved you more than I loved myself. That isn’t healthy. I loved you too much to look into my heart and think about how I really felt about what we were doing. I think about all the things we’ve done to the ponies we called losers and I’m ashamed because I didn’t care what we did as long as it made you happy. But Twist and Miss Cheerilee’s deaths changed all of that.”

Silver Spoon cleared her throat.

“Their deaths forced me to take a long hard look at myself. I don’t like what I see but I do have one thing going for me. I have a conscience. See, I pitied Twist when you were going to drop the bag on her because I knew firsthoof how bad it felt... when you wanted a very special somepony but then found out that they didn’t feel the same way. I wanted to spare her the pain that I live with every day. My conscience told me not to let you climb on my back but I helped you do it anyway. I had one chance to put my hoof down and say no to you and I took that chance but, damn it, Di, you used my feelings... my heartfelt confession of love for you... to get me to do what you wanted! And it really hurt! You can’t return my feelings? Fine. I can live with that. I didn’t like my chances when I told you how I felt about you... but to exploit that love for your own benefit? That was awful! I know this is making you feel uncomfortable but I can’t keep this inside of me any more than I could keep myself from making that confession to you on Hearts and Hooves Day. I had to try. The only thing that hurts worse than never knowing if you could love me in return... was knowing... that the answer... is no."

She sniffled strongly so as not to get her nasal drip on Diamond Tiara's shoulder.

“You gave me no for an answer," she continued. "I can and did respect that. But you wouldn’t take no for an answer. If you had, you wouldn’t have been able to hit Twist with that bag, she wouldn’t have walked into the path of that train and none of this would have happened! I mean, manure, Diamond Tiara! We saw what nopony should ever have to see! A filly was killed right in front of our eyes and I can’t get the sight and sounds out of my head! I kept thinking that I’d have nightmares about it but I don’t need to because Twist’s accident keeps playing over and over in my head while I’m awake! And the sound of that last cry of hers? I helped to make that happen! It’s like what Miss Cheerilee said: Twist’s last breath was spent on tears that we caused. She wasn’t with her loved ones at the end. She was covered in garbage and feeling unloved! And if that didn’t leave me feeling awful enough, there are two foalless parents walking around Ponyville right now who can never forget or forgive what we’ve done and I can never look them in the eye again! And Miss Cheerilee wasn’t that old so maybe her parents are still around. Their child is gone now, too.”

The more Silver Spoon unloaded, the better she felt.

“Life is precious, Diamond Tiara. All life is precious. Twist is dead because we were a couple of elitist snobs with nothing else better to do than mess with somepony who never bothered anyone! And, yeah, I know I used to do it too but the difference is that I realize now that it was wrong. Twist will never graduate, never have a career, never have a first kiss, never get married and never grow old. We’ve put an end to all of that. I’m horrified over my part in her death... but you were inspired by it? You’re proud to say that the blood on your hooves has helped you map out your career goal? And you’re thinking about killing Princess Celestia? That is not the Diamond Tiara I know. And when you revealed Miss Cheerilee’s condition in class? Oh, Di, that was, like, soooo messed up. I’ve done a lot of messed up stuff along with you – I know I’m no angel – but what you did to her was off the charts messed up. And when you sang to celebrate her murder... you broke me. I couldn’t deal with you. If I hadn’t left right then and there, I would have chewed you out on the spot. I was embarrassed to know you. Two ponies are dead and your dad is facing murder charges because of events that we set into motion. And please don’t tell me that we weren’t responsible. I know what we really did. We did enough. And I’ve had enough.”

Silver Spoon shifted her jaw. This was going to be the second toughest part of her intervention; the part where she would address the need to change.

“I’m tired of fooling myself into thinking that our wealth makes us special. And I’m tired of using our special status to justify how we treat other ponies. There’s nothing special or cool about death. I have a laundry list of fears about you, Diamond Tiara, but the biggest one of all is losing you. I’m afraid that if you stay on the path you’re on, somepony’s gonna get tired of your manure and kill you. How much worse are you going to behave if you can do everything that you’ve done so far and be pleased with yourself? How many more ponies have to suffer or die at your hooves before you decide that their misery isn’t what makes you happy? When will your heartlessness end? I know that there’s good in your heart. I’ve seen it firsthoof. I know that there’s a Diamond Tiara in there just dying to love and be loved by everypony in town but you keep her locked up inside a crypt of bitterness and hatred. I want to save you. I want to lift you out of that darkness you live in and dance with you in the sunlight. But, Celestia help me, I don’t know if there’s anything left of you that wants to be saved. You need to reform, Diamond Tiara. I’ve already changed. I’ve got a long way to go but I’ve at least started my journey. And in the short time that I’ve turned myself around, I’ve met a few ponies who’ve shown me kindness and it felt way better than acting like I was better than them or making fun of them. I found out that I like treating ponies like equals and I’m ashamed of myself for not trying it sooner. And yet, I don’t want to make my journey if it means leaving you behind. I’d like you to come along with me and live a changed life... a better life.”

It was time for the toughest part: the ultimatum.

“I love you, Diamond Tiara. I always have and I always will. I want to be by your side... but the road we’re walking down has a fork in it. If you can’t or won’t mend your ways, then... as much as it hurts me to say it, it looks like we’ll eventually be going down two separate paths. And if I don’t mean enough to you to consider changing... then I... I don’t think that you and I can... be... friends anymore.”

Those words stuck in Silver Spoon's craw.

“Okay, I’m finished,” she said. She released Diamond Tiara and looked at her. The pink earth pony's eyes were closed and she had shed some tears during the talk. She was grinning and Silver Spoon reasoned that that was a good sign.

“Silver Spoon,” said Diamond Tiara. “You have been a really good friend to me. I couldn’t have asked for a better one. I know how you feel about being together. I can honestly say that being with you always felt right. That’s why I asked you to be my PR pony. Whatever goals I’m going to achieve when I get older, I knew in my heart that they would only be possible with you by my side. You taught me what friendship was.”

Diamond Tiara smiled softly and gently placed her forehooves on either side of Silver Spoon’s cheeks. Silver Spoon smiled at the warmth of Diamond Tiara’s hooves. Unless it was teasing, having Diamond Tiara touch her in any way was always a delight.

“So imagine my surprise...” continued Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon felt Diamond Tiara apply pressure to her face and that pressure slowly built to where her lips puckered involuntarily. “...when, after everything that we’ve been through... one little rough patch is all it takes for you to throw our friendship away and abandon me?!”

The pressure being applied to Silver Spoon’s face had now reached a painful level. It wasn’t reopening her wound – the stitches sat higher on her cheekbone – but she feared that it might still happen anyway. She whimpered and used her forelegs to break Diamond Tiara’s hold on her face. Diamond Tiara quickly set her own forehooves back on the ground.

“I can’t believe that you would try to butter me up with all of that ‘I love you’ manure at the beginning of your little speech when what it comes down to is either I change who I am or you’ll stop being my friend! Insulting my intelligence much?”

“It’s not manure, I do lov-”

“Shut the rut up!! If you’re abandoning me, you can at least respect me enough to be honest about it! Unlike you, I don’t believe in sugarcoating! Now, I’m gonna make this short and sweet so pay attention because I don’t like having to repeat myself to ponies who quit on me! Are you listening? Then here we go. You are either with me... or you are against me! Okay? Those have always been your choices – and you can’t love me and be against me at the same time! Twist attacked me and she paid the price for it! Miss Cheerilee attacked and humiliated me... and she didn’t even get a fraction of what she had coming to her!”

Diamond Tiara sobbed.

“Rut, Silver Spoon, you sure picked a fine rutting time to show your true colors! They say that my dad’s either gonna be sent to prison for life, executed, or banished from Equestria! No matter how you slice it, I’m basically gonna lose him forever! It’s just a question of how and when! When that sank in, I was like ‘oh, gee, now the only pony I have left in this world who loves me is Silver Spoon’. Well, congratulations, you backstabbing bitch! You made the pony who was always right wrong! I never would have asked my dad to kill Miss Cheerilee for me but I’ll tell you one thing: at least he acted out of love for me which is more than I can say for you!”

“I’VE DONE NOTHING BUT LOVE YOU!” countered Silver Spoon, outraged that Diamond Tiara would ever question the authenticity of her devotion.

“YOU DO NOT LOVE ME! YOU’RE JUST INFATUATED WITH ME! There’s a difference. I knew it all along but I chose to turn a blind eye to it because I actually liked being around you. Boy, what an error in judgment that turned out to be. Now I know that my dad’s the only one who ever really loved me. It should be you sitting in that jail cell instead of him! You let me climb on your back, Silver Spoon! You can say any rotten thing about me that you want but it all goes back to that one fact and nothing’s gonna change it. You could have run away from me or yelled out to Twist that it was a trap but you made the decision to stay. Your choice started this whole mess! Twist’s death is on your head! Miss Cheerilee’s death? Your head! MY DAD’S FATE?! YOUR RUTTING STUPID HEAD!! MY LIFE IS RUINED NOW AND IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!! And you have the nerve – THE NNNNERVE! – to say that you’re living a better life than I am? That you’re walking down a brighter path than I am?

Diamond Tiara spat in Silver Spoon’s face. The majority of the saliva landed on her glasses. Silver Spoon squealed and quickly took them off.

“RUT YOU!" screamed Diamond Tiara. "You want to be like Apple Dunce and her not-special blank flank loser friends? Go right ahead! See if I care! You don’t think that we can be friends anymore? That’s fine with me, too! I don’t need fair weather friends, least of all a four-eyed, perverted, spineless dyke like you!”

Had Diamond Tiara run her through with a sword, dropped a piano on top of her, and then set her on fire, it wouldn’t have hurt Silver Spoon half as much as the words that came out of her beloved’s mouth.

“Oh, and you wanted to know where the heartlessness ended, didn’t you?” continued Diamond Tiara. “Well, look no further... because it ends right now, just like this. My heartlessness won’t be your concern anymore... BECAUSE I’M NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AGAIN!!”

Sobbing, Diamond Tiara turned tail and ran away as quickly as her harness allowed her to run.

“Diamond Tiara!” cried Silver Spoon. “Wait! DIAMOND TIARAAA!!!”

Silver Spoon sank to the ground and irrigated the soil below her face with tears as the filly she loved trampled all over her heart and left her to her despair.

Diamond Tiara trotted off angrily. Whenever she had been alone in the past, she pined for the company of Silver Spoon... but now, Silver Spoon was the pony she was deserting. Having conflicting emotions was a state of mind that was foreign to a pony who was always right. Her dominant emotion was anger and she needed to express it or it would consume her.

A galloping guitar riff started off her background music. Her cue arrived and she started to sing.

What have I done – to deserve a friend like you?
Did I swipe your ice cream float? Or did I scratch your best horseshoe?
It must be pretty bad for you to say that we are through
Oh, well, who needs a friend who is as terrr-riii-bllle
As you?

Was it my breath? Did I forget to take a bath?
Did I break somepony’s mirror? Or did a black cat cross my path?
Would somepony please tell me? ‘Cause I haven’t got a clue
What error rates a friend who is as horrr-riii-bllle
As you?

For her 9th birthday, Filthy Rich had given his daughter an incredibly expensive gift: he had employed the death metal band Dethklop to be on standby eight hours a day for the first week of each month. They had their own stage that was erected on the estate grounds. The band heard her arrival and, upon hearing the tune, followed her lead by playing the background music for her. Diamond Tiara hopped up the stage steps. When she reached the top, she was dressed up as the lead singer – complete with a t-shirt, moon makeup and a long straight jet black mane. She quickly snatched the microphone from Neighthan the lead singer, pushed him off the stage, and screamed the bridge’s lyrics in the signature gravelly Dethklop death metal vocal style.

WAS IT BECAUSE TWIST GOT HIT BYYYYYYY THAT TRAAAAAIN?
‘CAUSE THAT WAS KARMA, CAN’T YOU SEEEEEEEEEEE?!
YOU MUST BE CRAZY IF WHAT MAAADE YOUUU SNAAAP
WAS THE DEAAATH OF CHEEEE-RILL-LEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

As the lead guitarist played a wicked solo, Diamond swung her ebony locks in a clockwise motion. Her tiara went flying off stage and she ran for the steps. She retrieved it from the lawn and returned to the stage in her everyday appearance. Once the solo ended, she continued her song in her normal singing voice.

I don’t care what I might have done to earn your scorn
I regret we ever met, I curse the day that you were born
Dasvidaniya, adios, sayonara, toodleloo
Good riddance to a friend
As terrrr-ri-bllllllllle

The lead guitar echoed the notes she sang an octave higher than she hit them.

As horrr-ri-bllllllllle

The lead guitar did the same for these new notes.

As kerrrrrr-ayyyyy-zeeeeee
As meeeeeeeeean toooooooo meeeeeeeee

As youuuuuuuuuuuuuu

The last guitar note sustained. After the penultimate drum beat, the drummer stood on the stool with his hind legs, jumped off of it, and struck both cymbals simultaneously on the way down as the guitars reiterated the note to coincide with the hit. The song had come to its conclusion.

Diamond Tiara panted. She primped her mane, and adjusted her tiara. Sighing happily and grinning with pride, she walked toward the steps to leave the stage.

“I feel better now,” she admitted. “Nice work, you guys. That was so metal.”

“Freebirrrd!” cried out a voice from the mansion’s balcony on the second floor.

“Get back to work, Randolph!” yelled Diamond Tiara, pointing angrily at her butler.

Judiciary

Author's Note

For those of you who enjoy shorter chapters, sorry. For those of you who enjoy longer ones, have at it! Some of this might seem like filler but it's really foreshadowing disguised as filler.

Judiciary

Princess Twilight Sparkle chewed nervously on her right wing as she peered through the telescope on the balcony of her castle’s east tower. She was monitoring the late morning skies for the arrival of her mentor Princess Celestia who, like the sun, would be arriving from the east. At least, that was the most logical direction from which the princess would emerge since Saddle Arabia was east of Equestria. By Twilight’s calculations, which involved researching overseas air current trends over the past five years and the reasonable assumption that Celestia would have departed for Equestria immediately following receipt of Spike’s message, the pegasus drawn chariot carrying Her Royal Highness would be showing up within the hour – and the sooner it arrived, the better.

She caught sight of a white object piercing the vast field of blue and it was getting closer by the second. Upon further inspection, she verified that the object was indeed Princess Celestia – minus her royal chariot. Twilight smiled as she illuminated the sky with a beacon of purple light from her horn to flag Celestia down. The flagging worked; the senior alicorn landed gently on the balcony and the junior alicorn genuflected.

Now that Princess Celestia’s here, thought Twilight, everything’s going to be just fine.

“Welcome back, Your Highness,” said Twilight.

“Thank you, Princess Twilight,” said Princess Celestia, bowing before Twilight.

“I’m never going to get used to you bowing to me,” confessed Twilight, returning to her upright position.

“Now, now, we’ve had this discussion before,” teased Celestia, standing to her full height. “Either we both bow or neither of us bows – and something tells me I can keep this up longer than you can.”

Twilight smiled as she silently marveled at what an honor and a privilege it was to be Celestia’s contemporary.

“Thank you for coming so quickly,” said Twilight, “and I’m sorry I had to cut your visit so short. I was expecting to see you riding on your royal chariot.”

“I left my chariot and pegasus guards behind at the embassy in Saddle Arabia,” said Celestia. “I flew back here under my own power the moment I finished reading your message. And you needn’t feel guilty about my truncated visit.” The cup of Twilight’s heart overflowed with renewed admiration for Celestia for her use of the word truncated. “If I can’t maintain the peace in my own land, I have no business being abroad. Now then, what news have you to report?”

“The police have the perpetrator in custody,” said Twilight. “...but brace yourself. You know him. It’s Filthy Rich.”

Celestia gasped.

“Oh, my,” she said. “Are you certain it was him?”

“I wish that I wasn’t,” replied Twilight, “but the arresting officers confirmed his identity. The owner of the hotel in which Cheerilee was murdered stated that he personally saw the aftermath. He positively identified Filthy Rich as the perpetrator; the murder weapon was in his mouth, there was fresh blood running down his face, chest, and forelegs... and Cheerilee’s... headless body was still twitching.”

Princess Celestia closed her eyes and sighed.

“Have the police determined what Filthy Rich’s motive was?” she asked.

“Yes,” replied Twilight. “The primary motive appears to be revenge. Mayor Mare said that she witnessed Cheerilee attempting to smother Filthy Rich’s young daughter Diamond Tiara in the schoolhouse while class was in session.”

Celestia appeared to be more surprised by this news than she was by the arrest of Filthy Rich.

“Cheerilee?” she asked. “Attacking one of her students?”

“She attacked two students, all told. Interviews with the other foals in attendance that day confirmed that Cheerilee hit Silver Spoon across the face with the same chalkboard pointer she was using to repeatedly whip Diamond Tiara on the bottom – and she did so with enough force to draw blood. Naturally, Mayor Mare put a stop to the assault and decreed that Cheerilee was relieved of her teaching duties. She brought Cheerilee home but was later knocked unconscious, apparently by Cheerilee. By the time the mayor was admitted to the hospital, Cheerilee’s body had already been found in the hotel.”

“Aren’t Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon the two fillies who were responsible for the accident that caused the death of that other filly? Twist, was it?”

Twilight nodded.

“Yes and yes,” replied Twilight. “That accident was only a contributing factor to Cheerilee’s rampage. The witnesses at the schoolhouse said that, shortly before the attacks, Diamond Tiara had revealed a secret about Cheerilee and ruthlessly taunted her about it but none of the poor dears would say what that secret was, bless their little hearts. The crime scene investigators believe they have a theory about that secret. They found a file folder on the schoolhouse floor containing an original copy of Cheerilee’s personal medical records from Ponyville Hospital. It listed an injury she suffered as a filly that necessitated the removal of her ovaries. Cheerilee had her own patient’s copy of the record in her home so it’s believed that somepony other than her must have stolen the file from the hospital and brought it to the schoolhouse. It’s assumed that Diamond Tiara taunted Cheerilee about her sterility and it’s also assumed that Diamond Tiara was the one who took the file from the hospital in the first place. Then, once the taunting became too much, Cheerilee simply snapped.”

Celestia shook her head slowly.

“I’m afraid to ask... but was there anything else?” asked Celestia in a disillusioned tone.

Twilight swallowed.

“Yes,” she replied as she steeled herself to deliver her next words. “The autopsy revealed that Cheerilee had engaged in sexual intercourse prior to her death. There were recently used prophylactics found in the hotel room containing genetic material that was a one hundred percent match for Filthy Rich and Cheerilee. The body was...” Twilight took a moment to compose herself with a brief breathing exercise. “...The body was found chained to a radiator with a livestock shackle... and her limbs and mouth were bound with duct tape. It’s a given that she was detained in that room by Filthy Rich against her will so he’s also being charged with marenapping and... rape.”

Twilight’s eyes glossed over with tears as she hung her head. Knowing the revolting details of the crime was bad enough. Having to share them was worse. Princess Celestia lowered her head and gently comforted Twilight with a nuzzle.

“Twilight,” said Celestia. “It takes a lot of courage to take charge during a tragedy... especially one involving a friend... and I want you to know that I am very proud of you for weathering it like a true princess.”

“She was such a good pony, Princess,” whimpered Twilight as tear after tear ran down her face and fell to the floor. “So friendly. To me... To Spike... She was one of Ponyville’s finest citizens. I always meant to spend more time with her and get to know her better but I never did.” Celestia placed her right foreleg around Twilight and hugged her gently. “I saw her at Twist’s funeral, you know. Her spirit died along with that little filly. As The Princess of Friendship, I should have seen this coming and intervened. I should have requested that the school board give her some more paid leave until she fully worked out her grief and was ready to return.” She closed her eyes and leaned into Celestia’s hug. “She must have known that she’d lose her job for striking her students... and, yes, she may have even deserved to be jailed for it... but no mare deserves a fate as horrible as the one Filthy Rich chose for her.”

“Please don’t blame yourself, Twilight,” said Celestia softly. “You couldn’t have known that this was going to play out the way it did. You have my condolences for your loss... and you have my word that Filthy Rich shall pay for his crimes. So much chaos... and in such a short an amount of time. If I didn’t know better, I’d think that Discord had a claw in this.”

Twilight’s eyes opened and she gasped.

“Discord!” she yelped, stepping back and breaking the hug. “Of course!”

“I don’t actually suspect his involvement,” said Celestia. “Bloodshed isn’t his style, not even when he was on the throne.”

Twilight shook her head.

“No-no-no, I didn’t mean that I suspected him,” she said, drying her eyes. “Princess Celestia, could you please summon Discord here? Pinkie Pie has gone missing recently and without all five of my friends, I can’t summon him myself.”

“As you wish,” said Celestia. A shimmering golden aura surrounded Celestia’s horn as she cast the spell to summon Discord.

The master of chaos appeared before the alicorns. He was seated at a card table that was hovering in the air. Across the table from him was his tail which was propped up in its own chair as though it was Discord’s opponent.

“A second Guidance Counselor?” asked Discord of his tail as he looked at the table. “Of all the... that’s... just... grrr!” He threw his hand of cards on the table disgustedly. “I concede with righteous indignation, you feckless curmudgeon! How could you put Guidance Counselors in your deck in good faith? I don’t care if I do look adorable on the artwork; that card is by far the most obnoxious thing in the history of gaming! It’s the antithesis of friendship. I’ve completely lost all respect for you as a player and an appendage... and don’t you dare bring up a double Yellow Parasprite opening. Those aren’t even in the same league of insurmountability as Guidance Counselors.”

“Discord,” said Twilight, “We’ve got a problem.”

“You think you’ve got a problem?” Discord hopped off of his chair and walked toward Twilight. “I’ve got a tail with no sense of common courtesy. And to think I actually traded one of my extra RTOs for his Nightmare Moon. I should unleash some One Pace on his plot and watch him cringe as I take my twenty minute long game-winning turn to see how he likes it.”

“Discord, please! Pinkie Pie is missing and I need you to teleport her here. Could you please do so now?”

“With pleasure, Princess.” Discord gave Twilight an exaggerated bow, closed his eyes, and snapped his fingers. Pinkie Pie did not appear – nor did anypony else. Discord opened his eyes. He sat back up in his chair and looked around. “How curious. Hold on, let me try bringing somepony else here.”

Discord snapped his fingers again and Applejack appeared before them.

“What the hay am ah doin’ back here at the castle?” asked Applejack, recognizing her new surroundings. She saw Princess Celestia and bowed accordingly. “Beggin’ yer pardon, Yer Highness, but ah was sorta in the middle o’ somethin’.”

“Please forgive my imposition, Applejack,” said Discord, poised to snap his fingers once more. “I was merely testing my teleportation magic. I’ll return you to your previous location immediately.”

“Discord, wait!” cried out Twilight. “Don’t send her away just yet.” Discord put his arm down by his side. “Applejack, what’s the status of the Crusaders?”

“Apple Bloom an’ Sweetie Belle are in the clubhouse,” said Applejack, “an’ Scootaloo hasn’t shown up yet. Ah’ve got Fluttershy with me stakin’ ‘em out an’ Rainbow is circlin’ high above the clouds just in case they make a break for it. We’re just waitin’ on Scootaloo an’ you.”

“Good. I’ll meet up with you as soon as I can to take care of that ‘little problem’ we talked about. I shouldn’t be too much longer.”

“Roger that.”

Applejack tipped her hat to Twilight and nodded to Discord.

Discord snapped his fingers and Applejack vanished.

“Well, my teleportation magic seems to be in working order,” noted Discord, “so the problem must lie with Pinkie Pie. She must have ceased to exist.”

Twilight gulped. Her stomach turned as she imagined Filthy Rich claiming Pinkie Pie as a victim prior to murdering Cheerilee.

“Oh, no...” said Twilight softly. “You don’t mean that she’s...?”

“Dead?” asked Discord. “No. If she was, my magic would have brought her corpse to this room at the very least.” Twilight sighed with relief at being mistaken about Pinkie’s demise. “What I mean is that my draconequus sense can’t even get a fix on her... and that’s very strange, indeed. I could bring a pony named Reginald Q. Watermelon, Jr. here from anywhere on the globe but only if a pony named Reginald Q. Watermelon, Jr. exists somewhere on its surface, dead or alive. That’s what this is like. It’s as though as far as my magic is concerned, she’s vanished from this reality altogether. I can’t imagine what could possibly cause this to happen. In any case, I’m afraid that you’re on your own. I’d leave a trail of cupcakes out for her if I were you.”

“We appreciate your help, Discord,” said Celestia. “You may return to your card game.”

Discord looked at his tail. He closed his eyes, turned his back on it, and folded his arms across his chest with contempt. He opened one eye and looked back at the appendage.

“Oh, all right, fine, I’ll play you again,” said Discord, turning around to face his tail. “...but only if you play with a different deck. ‘Dragon Express’? Pffthahahahaha! That sounds more like a chain of Chineighse restaurants than a deck. Bring it on, pu pu platter!”

Discord, his card table, and his chairs vanished in a burst of white light.

“I’ll speak with my sister at sunset,” said Celestia. “It’s possible that she could locate Pinkie Pie in the dream world and discover her physical location that way.”

“Thank you, Your Highness,” said Twilight, “but Discord couldn’t find her, I don’t hold out much hope that Princess Luna will fare much better.” Twilight took in a deep breath and released it. “So now that you’ve been brought up to speed on everything, I take it that you’d like to rest and recover from your arduous flight? The castle has a luxurious guest bedroom that I know you’re going to love.”

“As tempting as that sounds, I can rest later. What I want most right now is to meet with Filthy Rich.” She looked out into the sky and frowned. “I want to hear what he has to say for himself.” She relaxed her features and returned her attention to her old protégé. “Would you be so kind as to accompany me to the police station on hoof? I’d like you to be present during the encounter.”

“Oh. Uh, of course, Your Highness, but first...”

“Oh, that’s right, you have some business to attend to with Applejack. How long would that take?”

“A few minutes at most. Could I just..?”

“Certainly. I’ll wait for you here.”

“Or I could just meet you at the police station.”

Celestia blushed and smiled sheepishly. She lifted her left foreleg and rubbed it against her right foreleg.

“You’ll have to forgive me but I’m afraid I haven’t a clue where it’s located,” she admitted. “And I’d be too embarrassed to ask a stranger for directions.”

Twilight grinned.

“You really do need to visit Ponyville more often, Your Highness,” she noted. “Okay, do you know where Sugarcube Corner is?”

“Yes?”

Twilight held her tongue and smirked mischievously.

“Of course you do,” she said snidely.

Celestia’s mouth hung open.

“Uh!” she spat in mock protest. “Princess Twilight Sparkle! Are you teasing your former teacher about her sweet tooth?”

“Who, me?” asked Twilight. “Nooooo. That would be a huge miscake.”

“‘Dear manurehead,’,” said Scootaloo, reading aloud from her rough draft of the note intended for Diamond Tiara. Big Mac’s whittling knife, as well as the piece of wood Apple Bloom had been carving, clattered against the clubhouse floor as Apple Bloom dropped them from laughing at her friend’s suggested greeting.

Sweetie Belle smirked as she periodically peeked outside through the clubhouse shutters with eyes that still possessed a dark green glow and gave off an indigo mist. She missed being out in the open and longed to feel the sunlight upon her face once more.

“That’s very funny, Scootaloo,” said Sweetie Belle, “but if you insult Diamond Tiara right off the bat, she might throw the note away before she finishes reading it.”

“She does have a point there,” noted Apple Bloom, returning to her whittling. She had already completed two short spiked weapons with sanded handles for oral wielding and was currently working on a third.

“Okay, I’ll change that to ‘Diamond Tiara’,” said Scootaloo, crossing out her original greeting.

“Good,” said Sweetie Belle. “Keep going.”

“‘We have proof that your father is innocent.’”

“Hmm. Change that to ‘I’ instead of ‘we’. She might feel intimidated if we tipped her off to the fact that there’s more than one pony waiting for her to show up.”

Scootaloo nodded and made the necessary adjustment on her notepad.

“‘I have proof that your father is innocent’,” she read. “‘Bring fifteen thousand bits in gems a hundred paces deep into the western edge of the Everfree Forest tonight at ten o’clock and it’s yours. Come alone and tell nopony or the deal’s off’.”

“That’s perfect,” said Sweetie Belle. She levitated a small pile of old magazines and set them down at Scootaloo’s hooves. “Now look for the letters and words in these magazines, tear them out, and then paste them to a fresh page.”

As Scootaloo began her task, Sweetie Belle walked over to Apple Bloom to watch her carve. She looked at the completed weapons on the ground.

“Wait... three?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Are you making one of those for me?”

Apple Bloom spat the knife out onto the floor.

“Well, yeah,” replied Apple Bloom.

“I don’t need one. I’ve got a ranged attack.”

“You should still have one for close combat, just in case you experience some performance issues at the last minute,” said Scootaloo.

“‘Performance issues’? Sombra Belle knows not these ‘performance issues’ of which you speak. Mua-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaa...”

“We have respect for your dark magic and all... but I think even you would have to admit that your track record iiiisn’t exactly spotless.”

“Yeah, this way, if ya botch it, you’ll have a way ta join in an’ help us make Diamond Tiara bleed the old-fashioned way,” said Apple Bloom.

Sweetie Belle frowned at her friends’ lack of faith in her dark powers.

“Mycrystalslaves!” barked Sweetie Belle quickly as she walked away in a huff. She took a seat in a corner and sulked.

“We should stash some soap, water and a basin at the meeting place beforehoof so we have a way to wash off any blood that gets on us,” suggested Scootaloo.

“Good thinkin’, Scootaloo,” said Apple Bloom.

“Why are you carving wooden weapons anyway?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Why don’t you just bring that knife with you and use that as your weapon?”

“Because mah brother has a sixth sense when it comes ta his things,” answered Apple Bloom. “Same with Granny Smith an’ her cutlery.”

“Let me guess,” said Scootaloo. “Knife throwing cutie mark attempt?”

“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom, blushing. “If ah carried this knife even an inch away from the farm, Big Mac’d know about it in a second. An’ he’d probably wanna know why ah was makin’ off with it, too. Diamond Tiara’ll bleed just as much with pointy wood stickin’ out o’ her as she will with pointy steel stickin’ out o’ her.”

“But what if it breaks?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Scootaloo, don’t you have metal screwdrivers and stuff that the three of us can use as weapons?”

“Yeah,” replied Scootaloo. “But what if the police start an investigation and they find a tiny drop of Diamond Tiara’s blood that I missed somewhere on my screwdriver? We’d be busted.”

“We won’t bring the tools back with us. We’ll just bury them somewhere in the forest.”

“There’s no way I’m gonna bury my screwdrivers. They’re part of a set.”

“You’ll be getting five thousand bits in gems! Just buy some new tools.”

“Why should I waste my gems to replace something I already have when the spikes will do just as well?”

“What happened to the ‘no matter the cost’ part of your Omelet pledge?”

“This is different. This cost is money. If you want us to use my tools so badly, why don’t you buy me a new set of tools with your share of the gems?”

“Guys, save yer aggression fer Diamond Tiara,” said Apple Bloom. “You’ll need it. The spikes’ll work just fine. We can even burn ‘em in the forest when we’re done. No evidence. Okay?”

“Okay,” replied Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. The fillies returned to their respective tasks and kept busy this way for about three minutes.

“I don’t mean to jinx the plan,” said Scootaloo, “but, for argument’s sake, let’s say that we got busted for the murder. How many years would we be put away?”

“Oh, Celestia, she’s losing her nerve, Apple Bloom,” posited Sweetie Belle.

“I’m not losing my nerve. I’m just making small talk, that’s all.”

“Why don’t you make small talk about how we’ll succeed instead of how we’ll fail?”

“All right, I will. But just answer my question first.”

“Well, since our families can’t afford an expensive lawyer like the one Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s parents hired,” surmised Sweetie Belle, “I think that we’d be full grown mares by the time we’d be released. But that’s just a guess.”

“Full grown mares... with a criminal record... an’ no cutie marks,” said Apple Bloom.

The three friends sat in silence for a moment, saddened by the thought of entering adulthood without a special talent to their name.

The clubhouse was bathed in a bright burst of light and a loud pop which startled and temporarily blinded the three fillies. When their eyes readjusted, they found that Princess Twilight Sparkle had teleported inside the clubhouse. The fierce scowl on the alicorn’s face indicated that she was all business. She said nothing as she quickly fired an intense blast of energy that struck Sweetie Belle’s horn. Sweetie Belle squealed and squirmed as a tumultuous stream of black energy was rent from her horn and entered Twilight’s horn. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other, both fillies with the same question on their faces: what do we do?

Gritting her teeth, Twilight steadied herself as the raging river of dark magic she was absorbing from Sweetie Belle seemingly became problematic to contain. While Sweetie Belle’s eyes slowly returned to their normal, non-mist spewing appearance, Twilight’s eyes began to take on those dark traits. The last of the energy was siphoned from Sweetie Belle and Twilight canceled her spell, exhausted by the effort.

Sweetie Belle fell to the floor, hid her face in her forelegs, and cried, too ashamed to look her instructor in the eye. The Order of the Omelet’s ace in the hole had been successfully neutralized.

“Cheerilee was my friend, too, girls,” said Twilight as tears ran down her face. “And I know that she would never have wanted you three to throw your lives away for her.”

Twilight’s body was rocked by a spasm that nearly caused her to lose her balance. She lowered her head, groaned, and closed her eyes. Her body began to tremble as she lifted her head and opened her mist-spewing eyes. The fillies gasped and huddled together as they immediately noticed some alarming changes in Twilight’s appearance. Her horn, which was slowly turning red, had started to curve upward. Twilight opened her mouth and groaned, exposing rows of sharp canines where there were once incisors.

“Would you please excuse me?” chirped Twilight politely in a voice that sounded like that of a mare, a stallion, and a demon all speaking in unison. “I need to expel this before it’s too late.” Twilight ran to the door, opened it, and flew away.

The fillies heard the sound of hoofsteps coming up the ramp. Applejack walked into the clubhouse with a grin that could charm the warts off a toad.

“Well, howdy, y’all,” she boomed boisterously, closing the door behind her. She looked at the wood shavings on the floor. “Whittlin’, huh? It sure is nice ta see mah little sister an’ her friends expressin’ their creativity... ‘specially so soon after a tragedy. Whatcha makin’ there, hm? Oh! Gardenin’ tools! Let’s see here.” Applejack poked the sharpened end of one of the weapons. “Whoo-ee! This trowel ya made sure is sharp!” She put it down and picked up another one. “An’ so is this spade! Ah feel mighty sorry fer any earthworms crawlin’ around inside the soil when y’all use these. Whatcha plannin’ on plantin’, anyway?”

Apple Bloom wrinkled her nose at her big sister.

“Apples,” grumbled Apple Bloom sarcastically, knowing full well that Applejack knew that the weapons weren’t gardening tools.

“Apples!” exclaimed Applejack. “Ya don’t say? Ah reckon ah should start plannin’ mah retirement pretty soon, huh? Heh-heh-heh. Ya know, life is a lot like growin’ apple trees. It ain’t so much somethin’ yer born knowin’ how ta master as much as it is somethin’ ya learn from those who came before ya; knowledge an’ wisdom passed down by somepony older’n you who’s learned valuable life lessons an’ have had their share o’ responsibilities an’ obligations. An’ lemme tell y’all, as the pony who represents the spirit o’ honesty, ah have lots o’ obligations. Fer example, ah have a moral obligation ta stop anypony who’d try ta do somethin’ as downright stupid as, say...” Applejack narrowed her eyes at Apple Bloom. “...use gardenin’ tools made out o’ wood ta cause grievous bodily harm ta somepony. Ah also have an obligation ta defend all ponies in Ponyville against all threats, magical or run-o’-the-mill, foreign or domestic – no matter what their attackers think their victims mighta gotten away with. And ah would bring anypony ta justice who saw fit ta attack anypony else no matter how young those attackers might be or who they might be related to. Catch mah drift, little sis?”

“Ah catch yer drift just fine, big sis,” said Apple Bloom. “You’d protect an evil monster an’ sic the law on yer own kin! What good is the law if it doesn’t punish the wicked? Where’s Twist’s justice? Where’s Miss Cheerilee’s justice? It’s not fair!”

“It ain’t mah place ta pass judgment on Diamond Tiara or Silver Spoon any more than it is yours, sugar cube. An’ it’s mah obligation and duty as a big sister ta look out fer mah little sister. An’ even if it don’t seem like it, this is me lookin’ out fer you. Ah ain’t no tattletale or nothin’ but if ah turned a blind eye ta this plan o’ yours, ah’d be an accessory. An’ since ya ain’t givin’ me much choice in the matter, ah ain’t givin’ y’all a choice, neither. Nopony’s killin’ anypony else in mah town if ah can help it. An’ ah can – so ah am.”

“You weren’t there at the schoolhouse when Diamond Tiara said those awful things ta Miss Cheerilee, Applejack! Miss Cheerilee was the sweetest, kindest, most wonderful an’ lovin’ teacher there ever was... an’ Diamond Tiara, that goshdanged... evil... Ohhh, I wanna cuss mah danged mouth off ta describe her on account o’ she don’t deserve ta have a decent non-cuss word wasted on her!”

“Well, good on ya fer keepin’ a civil tongue in yer head, AB... cuz that means you remember that you were raised with some class an’ haven’t completely taken leave o’ yer senses. Filthy Rich did a truly terrible thing – Cheerilee was a real sweetheart – but that don’t mean that Diamond Tiara an’ Silver Spoon’s lives are yours ta take. Hatred ain’t never done a filly no good a-tall. An’ that goes double fer vengeance. Land sakes, don’t y’all know that what goes around comes around? From what ah’ve heard, Filthy Rich is lookin’ at spendin’ the rest of his days behind bars. Justice – real courtroom justice – does work if’n ya just let it take its course, sugar cube... an’ y’all’re way too smart ta do what y’all were thinkin’ o’ doin’. Besides, murderers an’ ponies who’ve committed evil acts go ta Tartarus when they pass on... an’ there ain’t nothin’ worse than eternal damnation – pardon mah Prench. C’mere, y’all.”

Applejack approached the fillies and grabbed all three of them in a big hug. Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle were still reeling from the shock of being outed and returned the hug awkwardly. Apple Bloom neither returned nor rejected the hug. She simply waited for it to be over. Applejack released the girls and saw her sister’s sour face.

“Aw, c’mon now, AB,” said Applejack, chucking her little sister under the chin with her left forehoof. “Don’t be like that. Ya still have yer freedom... and ya still have yer family and friends – ponies ya might never have seen again if ya’d gone through with this silly plan o’ yours.”

“Yeah,” conceded Apple Bloom. “Ah know.”

“So what now, Applejack?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Now ah’m gonna pretend like we never had this little talk o’ ours,” replied Applejack, releasing the fillies from the hug. “Yer Hearth’s Warmin’ Day presents came early this year. Consider yerselves lucky.”

Confused, the fillies looked at each other and then returned their attention to Applejack.

“O-kaaaaay...” said Scootaloo suspiciously. “Aren’t you gonna confiscate our weapons?”

“What weapons?” asked Applejack. “Ah never saw no weapons. All I saw here today were some gardenin’ tools... an’ some fillies who had some unusual ideas about how ta go about gettin’ their gardenin’ cutie marks. If’n y’all will excuse me, ah’m gonna head on back ta the house and bring y’all some Neigh-Puft marshmallows.”

“You’re giving us marshmallows?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yup,” replied Applejack.

“Wait, there’s a whole bag o’ marshmallows in the house?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Yup,” replied Applejack.

“Why haven’t ah seen it in the cupboards before now?”

“Because ah also represent the spirit o’ The Element o’ Hidin’ Stuff, that’s why. Now, ah’m givin’ ya some marshmallows but ya ain’t gonna eat ‘em straight outta the bag. See, everypony knows that the best way ta have marshmallows is ta toast ‘em a little first. Mmmm-mmm. An’ while these here gardenin’ tools y’all’ve made ain’t half bad fer a first draft, ah think y’all can do better. So y’all are gonna turn ‘em into some kindlin’ fer a nice li’l bonfire.” Applejack narrowed her eyes and cast a burning glance at all three fillies that made them cower. “An’ y’all will burn ev’ry last one o’ these here gardenin’ tools... ‘cause if ya don’t, ah’ll take that ta mean that y’all’ve ignored mah warnin’ an’ ah’ll have no choice but ta let Princess Twilight take the lot o’ ya in fer conspiracy ta murder. Trust me when ah say that it’ll be way easier for y’all ta build this fire... than ta play with fire... ‘cause if y’all decide ya wanna play?” Applejack softened her expression to one of sincerity. “Not only will y’all not win... but everypony who ever loved ya will lose. None of us want that ta happen. An’ that, mah dear Cutie Mark Crusaders, is the honest truth. Ah’ll be back in a little while with the marshmallows so’s I can supervise yer bonfire buildin’. Y’all stay put until ah come back, ya hear?”

“Yes, Applejack,” muttered the Crusaders.

“Good,” said Applejack. She trotted to the door, stopped, and turned around. “An’ three ain’t a hard number ta count to so ah had best get all three o’ mah metal skewers back when we’re done.”

“Yes, Applejack,” muttered the Crusaders.

Applejack grinned and passed through the doorway to head for the house.

“Sis?” called out Apple Bloom.

“Hm?” said Applejack, returning to the clubhouse.

Apple Bloom hesitated.

“Ya didn’t play the ‘what would mom an’ dad think?’ card,” she said in a monotone voice.

“Oh,” said Applejack. “No. Ah didn’t. Ah reckon ah didn’t need to seein’ as how yer gettin’ ta be so big an’ all. An’ speakin’ o’ dads, Diamond Tiara’s gonna be one sad little filly when her dad gets sentenced. If I remember right, a certain little redheaded filly’s life became a lot happier after makin’ a fine pair o’ friends at her cute-ceanera. In a way, ya kinda owe Diamond Tiara a debt o’ friendship. Lemme leave ya with a quote ta think about whilst ah’m gone.” Applejack cleared her throat as she prepared to recite some words of wisdom to her little sister. “‘Do ah not destroy mah enemies when ah make them mah friends?’.” Applejack looked at Big Macintosh’s knife on the floor. “Guess ah’ll bring this whittlin’ knife back while ah’m at it since ya ain’t gonna need it no more.” She picked up the knife and held the blade between her teeth. She closed the door behind her as she left.

Once the mare’s hoofsteps had faded from earshot, the clubhouse was silent once more.

“Ah have two questions,” said Apple Bloom. “One: why the rut do we even have a door if nopony knows how ta ruttin’ knock around here? And two: how’d she find out about what we were doin’?”

Sweetie Belle shrugged.

“I feel like I just came back from the brain dentist,” she said, touching her horn gently.

“Well, so much for The Order of the Omelet,” said Scootaloo, removing the Omelet capes from the coat rack and turning each one Crusader side up before hanging them back up. “Applejack was right, you know. Tartarus is forever... and Diamond Tiara’s not worth eternal suffering. Plus I look better in red, anyway.”

Apple Bloom lay on the floor and sulked.

“Ah can’t go back ta that schoolhouse if Diamond Tiara’s still goin’ there!” she declared. “Ah just can’t! If there’s a non-violent way ta get rid o’ her, we need ta come up with it before school is back in session.”

“We could try making friends with her like Applejack said,” suggested Sweetie Belle. “Maybe she really would be more open to the idea if her dad’s gonna be in jail for life. I know I’d appreciate having more friends around if I lost my dad.”

“Diamond Tiara doesn’t want our friendship, Sweetie Belle,” said Apple Bloom. “She never has. An’ maybe bein’ without her dad’ll just make her even meaner. Didja think o' that?”

“Maybe we can swap her out with an exchange student from Prance,” suggested Scootaloo.

Exchange.

The word made the gears in Apple Bloom’s head turn. She stood up and paced back and forth as she focused on the concept.

“Yeah, a nicer one,” said Sweetie Belle. “Although finding a filly that’s nicer than Diamond Tiara wouldn’t be very hard to do.”

“A timberwolf would be nicer to have in class than Diamond Tiara,” said Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle giggled at the thought of a timberwolf sitting in class wearing a tiara.

“A quarray eel would be nicer than Diamond Tiara!” she added.

Two key questions plagued Apple Bloom: what could motivate Diamond Tiara to go along with this switcheroo? And who would be willing to switch places with Diamond Tiara? She gave the matter some serious thought despite her friends’ laughter.

“A chimera!” said Scootaloo.

“A cockatrice!” said Sweetie Belle.

“A cragadile!”

“A dodo! No offense.” Sweetie Belle snickered.

Scootaloo frowned at Sweetie Belle for starting in with her.

“None taken, gaywad,” said Scootaloo.

“I beg your pardon?” asked Sweetie Belle calmly as she turned her nose up at Scootaloo. “I have a coltfriend... so not only is your insult in poor taste, it doesn’t apply to me, either.”

“Button’s just your beard.”

“My beard?” asked Sweetie Belle, raising an eyebrow.

“You know; a fake coltfriend or fillyfriend to hide the fact that you’re gay.”

Sweetie Belle closed her eyes.

“Okay, first of all, Button is my real coltfriend,” she stated. “Secondly, I didn’t even know that term existed until you told me what it was. Third, unlike me, you don’t have a coltfriend. And the fourth and final point I’d like to raise – and I think we can all agree on this one.” Sweetie Belle opened her eyes and scowled at Scootaloo. “You’re gay!”

“You are!” retorted Scootaloo.

“No, you are! I’ve kissed Button!”

“Yeah, and I’ve kissed Featherweight!”

“Only ‘cause he looks more like a filly than a colt!”

“Oh, yeah? Well, better to kiss a colt that looks like a filly than one who acts like a filly!”

“You leave Button alone! He’s just sensitive!”

“Crying because his mom put regular milk in his lunchbox instead of chocolate milk is not being sensitive; it’s being a wuss!” Scootaloo smirked. “Hey, maybe you’re Button’s beard!”

Outraged by Scootaloo’s slanderous and unfounded accusation, Sweetie Belle screamed as she launched herself at the pegasus, initiating a brawl that saw the fillies blend into a rolling cloud of dust which gave way to the occasional leg, tail, and head that poked out of it.

Apple Bloom stopped pacing. She had hit upon an idea. It started out as a simple one. Then, as the logistics played out in her head, it slowly evolved into what she felt was a monumentally brilliant one. She stood there with an open-mouthed smile and eyes as wide as saucers. It was ambitious in its scope and it had one tiny catch – but no perceivable flaws. It was as perfect of an idea as she or either of her friends were ever likely to have.

“Hey!” shrieked Scootaloo from the dust cloud. “You totally grabbed my teats just now!”

“You wish!” said Sweetie Belle.

A thought occurred to Apple Bloom. She looked down at the floor to see if what she was expecting to see there was actually there. Sure enough, directly beneath her hooves was The Spot For Thinking Up Great Ideas. This was the omen – the endorsement – that Apple Bloom had been looking for; the proof that her idea was Elysium sent and unquestionably the path she was meant to take. She released a loud and spirited neigh as she dropped to the floor and kissed The Spot repeatedly as thanks for its assistance.

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle ended their hostilities, took a seat on the floor, and looked on awkwardly as their friend lavished her affections upon the great idea spot.

“Um, Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie Belle. “Do you want us to give you some privacy?”

“Sweetie Belle...” said Apple Bloom as she stood on all four hooves and looked at her friends with a wide smile. “Scootaloo... Oh, mah gosh... You girls’ve just given me... THE BEST IDEA EVERRRRR!!!” She hopped gleefully to the door and swung it open. “Let’s go, Crusaders! Ah’ll explain on the way! Oh, this is gonna be so epic! If this works, and ah don’t see how it can’t, we’ll never have ta worry about Diamond Tiara bein’ mean ta us or anypony else ever again! An’ we don’t even have ta lay a hoof on her ta make it happen!” Apple Bloom held the door open for her friends but neither Scootaloo nor Sweetie Belle moved toward it. “Well, come on, gals! We need ta get a move on! We’ve gotta get ta the castle ta find Spike! The sooner we find him, the sooner we can start... Operation: Diamond Exchange!” Apple Bloom grinned proudly at her baby’s name.

“We can’t leave the clubhouse yet, Apple Bloom,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Why the hoof not?” asked Apple Bloom.

“We have to wait for Applejack to get back with the marshmallows so she can watch us burn the weapons, remember?”

“Dang it!” Apple Bloom trotted in place anxiously. “This can’t wait! It’s too brilliant! Leave the weapons where Applejack can see ‘em. She can have ‘em... but we need ta bail right now! Come on!”

Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle reluctantly trotted out of the clubhouse and descended the ramp together with Apple Bloom.

The Crusaders stopped. Waiting for them at the bottom of the first ramp was Fluttershy. And she used The Stare on them.

It was the first time that they had personally been the recipient of one and it was far different from what they imagined. It was mid-day but the sunlight was inexplicably pushed away from them as though they were sinking vertically into a body of murky water. The Crusaders found themselves entangled in some form of web, that much was certain. They couldn’t move. They were too frightened to speak. Every ounce of their instinct for self preservation exploded in their brains like a fireworks display, giving them the nagging feeling that something was coming for them.

A beast arrived; an impossibly large warmth-quashing creature that was the stuff of nightmares. It didn’t possess locomotion as much as it allowed itself to pierce this plane of existence from whatever unholy dimension had spawned it. The Crusaders couldn’t make out its exact shape but what they could make out was frightening enough. Where the chasm ended and the beast began was a mystery, one that may have been a fool’s errand to attempt to solve. But the beast had to be a separate entity from the darkness. Nothing that lived could be so large. It was everywhere at once.

At its center was a rotating maw that contained an ebony whirlpool with multiple tapering rings leading back into its throat from which a sinister yellow-green light shone. The rings of gums spun slowly in the direction opposite its neighbor, making a sound similar to a cinder block being dragged across muddy earth. Countless jagged canine teeth scraped across their brethren in an obscene mastication ritual as a greasy ocher saliva spewed forth from the beast’s gums, dripping into the teeth below as gravity dictated. Its stomach, or whatever passed for it, grumbled at the prospect of satisfying its centuries-old hunger for mischievous critters or little fillies too disobedient for their own good.

The beast drummed on its guests’ temples with dozens of cold, tiny, flailing ink-black tendrils. Through these appendages, it communicated with the Crusaders on a wavelength which they never knew they had the ability to comprehend. They listened to the soundless voice and held their breath for fear of allowing the tendrils passage through their noses or mouths. The beast’s message was an introduction followed by a warning. It called itself The Custodian and it told them that it knew every fear and nightmare they’d ever had and promised to make each and every one of them come true all at once and then feed on their souls while they screamed for eternity if they

took

just

one

more

step

forward

...if that was okay with them.

Having delivered The Stare, Fluttershy’s eyes returned to normal. The light of day returned to the Cutie Mark Crusaders’s eyes and Ponyville’s fresh country air filled their lungs once again.

The trembling trio of friends looked at one another, seemingly having drawn the same conclusion: if Tartarus possessed horrors even half as horrendous as The Custodian, letting Diamond Tiara live was a much better alternative than being damned to its depths for killing her. This new perspective was an extremely sobering wakeup call. Any leftover thirst they may have had for blood had vanished along with The Custodian.

“Ah dunno about you guys,” whispered Apple Bloom, followed by a clearing of her throat, “...but suddenly... ah really wanna stay put until after Applejack gives us permission ta leave.”

“M-Me too,” squeaked Sweetie Belle.

“M-Me th-three,” peeped Scootaloo.

The Crusaders smiled nervously at Fluttershy as they slowly ascended the ramp backwards to return to the safety of their clubhouse.

“I knew you were good girls,” said Fluttershy with a cheerful grin. “And, umm, don’t worry about that little...” She cleared her throat. “...accident on the ramp, Scootaloo. I’ll clean it up for you.”

A morose Silver Spoon sat at her estate’s dining room table with the bandage-free side of her face resting on the table’s surface. Her new private tutor was giving a year long introductory speech about the curriculum he was preparing to cover in their lessons. She ignored him. She hadn’t even bothered to look at his face. Moving required more effort than she wished to expend. The only thing that made the homeschooling lessons remotely tolerable was that Diamond Tiara had agreed to join her – but that agreement was before the disastrous intervention. Now that Silver Spoon had been dropped like a hot potato, education, like life, was now drab and pointless.

The morning had passed by quickly, if not silently. Breakfast had been served earlier and was subsequently taken away uneaten. Tea time wasn’t far off and Silver Spoon would give it as little consideration as she gave breakfast. She didn’t want to eat. The vacuum that needed filling was not in her stomach and she decided to pay it no mind. Starving herself to death would not be the fastest way to get to Tartarus but it certainly took the least effort and she reasoned that at least death wanted her.

There was a pause in the tutor’s blather.

“You’re heartbroken,” he said.

Silver Spoon’s ears perked up. She heard the tutor talk earlier but never listened to him until he spoke this accurate observation. He had the most delightful Trottingham accent, one that automatically led one to believe that he was a sophisticated and learned individual. It thankfully lacked the pretentiousness present in her father’s headache-inducing nasal speech pattern. She lifted her head, sat up straight, adjusted her glasses, and looked at the stallion seated across the table from her. The tutor was a blue-eyed tan earth pony with a tousled dark brown mane which he wore short. His minimalist yet classic ensemble consisted of a white shirt collar and a green necktie. She recognized this stallion from town as well as from the dream she had where she was on trial for Twist’s murder.

“The bloodshot eyes,” he continued. “The complete lack of interest in your surroundings. I’ve seen it before. I’ve been there meself; more times than I care to count, actually. It never gets any easier, that’s for sure.”

Silver Spoon adjusted her glasses. She looked into his eyes. They were warm, gentle, and sincere. How many foolish mares could had stolen or broken this handsome gentlestallion’s heart? Whatever the number, his admission of heartbreak made him what she needed most at this moment in time: a kindred spirit.

“What did you do to get over it?” gurgled Silver Spoon. She hadn’t spoken since yesterday’s intervention speech and was unaware of how clogged with gunk her throat had become. She cleared it quickly.

“Oh, are we in a speaking mood?” asked the stallion. “Well, let’s start over then, shall we? Good afternoon, Miss Spoon. I am ‘The Doctor’. You may address me as ‘Doctor’.”

As a filly named after flatware, Silver Spoon knew better than to probe further about The Doctor’s odd name.

“How do you do, Doctor?” asked Silver Spoon politely.

“I’m doing remarkably well for somepony who’s been ignored by a beautiful young mare for nearly an hour,” said The Doctor. “A blow to my ego, that’s what that was. Why, it’s enough to make a full grown stallion weep. Matter of fact, I think I will.” Placing his forelegs on the table, The Doctor lay his head down and blubbered comically.

Silver Spoon giggled at The Doctor’s histrionics.

“You’re awfully silly for a tutor,” she said.

The Doctor lifted his head from his forelegs and looked at Silver Spoon.

“And you’re awfully serious for a student,” he riposted. “So there.”

“I’ve got a good reason to be serious,” said Silver Spoon as the grin drained from her face. “My best friend doesn’t want a thing to do with me anymore.” Her ears drooped and she slumped forward in her chair. “She told me that she never wants to speak to me again.”

“And I was so sure it was heartbreak.”

Silver Spoon grinned.

“It is heartbreak, Doctor,” she said. “I’m a filly-fooler. And my parents know about it so you don’t have to bother bringing it to their attention.”

“Ah. Well, that means my initial analysis about you being heartbroken was correct.” The Doctor smirked. “To answer your earlier question, I don’t think I ever completely got over it. You just get better at pretending that it doesn’t hurt as much as it does. They say that time heals all wounds. Well, as somepony who’s been dealt a lot of wounds and dealt with time quite a bit, I can tell you from experience that ‘they’ are a bunch of lying fatheads. So tell me: how did things get so muddled up between you and your friend?”

“Diamond Tiara and I – that’s her name, by the way – have been friends for years but nothing more. Then, last year, I told her how I really felt about her. She turned me down... but we remained friends. Last month, she wanted my help to play a prank on a classmate of ours.”

“I read about this in the paper. Twist, right?”

“You read that, too, huh? Geez, no wonder Di’s father bought the Ponyville Express. It’s, like, everypony in town reads that freaking paper. I swear that we didn’t mean to kill her, Doctor. I felt so guilty about her death. I still do.”

“May I say something that you may or may not be offended by hearing?”

“Sure, why not?”

The Doctor grinned.

“You’re a foal,” he said. “You’re growing up. You’re making mistakes along the way and learning from them. That’s part of life. The mistake that you and your friend made was really quite horrible but accidents do happen and you and your friend... are... foals. That doesn’t give you a pass. That simply keeps ponies from being overly critical of you because they were foals themselves once and were just as capable of making mistakes as you are now. That’s the theory, anyway. Being judgmental of others seems to be Equestria’s favorite pasttime, hypocrisy be damned.”

Silver Spoon grinned slightly.

“So, anyway,” continued Silver Spoon. “Diamond Tiara had been obsessed since the accident, claiming that it meant that she wielded magic and that she’s got this special destiny.”

“Magic? Isn’t she an earth pony?”

“Yeah, she is.”

“I don’t know what good earth pony magic would do her.”

“Doctor? What can earth ponies do? Magically speaking.”

“Haven’t you asked your mum or dad that question?”

“No. They’re sort of clueless. I prefer to ask questions of ponies with some intelligence.”

“Well, earth ponies – also known as equus terra – can and do wield the magic inside them, Miss Spoon. It just manifests itself in a subtler fashion than the other tribes’ magic. Now then, as you know, we earth ponies were the masters of agriculture long ago. That is because we have a special connection to the earth that allows us to manipulate and influence chemical reactions, both internally and externally, which would otherwise take much longer or be less potent if overseen by a pegasus or unicorn. By his or her very presence, a dedicated earth pony farmer who is harmonious with his fields and his loved ones can speed up the natural process of plant growth and, by extension, improve harvest quality and quantity. The Apple family of Ponyville is a shining example. The love they give to their land and their kin is chiefly responsible for what makes their produce among the finest in Equestria. Do you know how much Sweet Apple Acres charges for a sack of zap apple seeds? Go on, have a guess.”

“A hundred bits?”

“It was a trick question. Their zap apple seeds aren’t for sale; not because the Apple family wants to corner the market but because the seeds are worthless in the hooves of anypony else. The Apples are the only family in Equestria who can get the trees to yield any of its special fruit. They once gave away two sacks of zap apple seeds to an apple farmer in Manehattan who wanted to start his own zap apple orchard... and the workers who planted them didn’t get a single zap apple out of those fields. It was a complete waste of time and resources. The conditions just aren’t right to grow them anywhere else other than Sweet Apple Acres. I’ve done some extensive research on the subject and I believe I’ve discovered the reason why.” The Doctor leaned in and whispered to Silver Spoon. “Don’t share this one ‘round the fireplace... but Apple family reunions at Sweet Apple Acres are the missing ingredient.”

“Really?”

“Well, it’s just a theory... but it’s mine and I happen to be very fond of my own theories.”

“But if love for one’s family is so important for zap apple growing, how did the zap apple trees grow wild in the Everfree Forest to begin with?”

“Ahhh.” The Doctor grinned. “Now that is the question, isn’t it? I haven’t found the answer yet but I’ve been studying the forest for some time to learn the origin of the forest-grown zap apples. Here’s what I do know. I’ve had the pleasure of having tea with Zecora the zebra who lives in the Everfree Forest and she told me about a legend regarding a mysterious equine being said to inhabit those woods. They call this equine Majununi and she had the power to fly, to make rocks dance, and to cause plant life to grow spontaneously. I believe that Majununi must have been some kind of earth pony missing link... and somepony with that kind of power could easily create as many zap apples as she pleased. If she’s real and she still lives, finding her would be quite the discovery. And if she’s real but dead and has left behind some remains, blimey, that would be almost as amazing! Unfortunately, scientific expeditions require financial backing. Even curiosity seekers need groceries – which is why I took the tutoring job. Eating grass and flowers all the time can get rather monotonous.”

Bertram, the estate’s head butler, approached the table with a tea cart full of goodies. He served Silver Spoon and The Doctor a platter of whole grain toast along with some containers of zap apple jam and butter.

“Speak of the angel,” said The Doctor.

“Thank you, Bertram,” said Silver Spoon.

“You’re welcome, Silver Spoon,” said Bertram with a short bow. “And might I say that it’s delightful to see you back in high spirits again.” He placed a teacup in front of Silver Spoon, poured some tea in her cup, and then served The Doctor his tea.

The Doctor brought his snout close to his cup and sniffed its contents.

“Rooibos?” asked The Doctor. Bertram nodded once, placing a container of milk and a sugar bowl on the table. “I say, what a splendid choice, my fine fellow. Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome, sir,” said Bertram before taking the tea cart away.

The Doctor took the milk container handle between his teeth and carefully poured the milk into his cup until it was to his liking. “Whenever I visit a dining establishment that serves tea, the staff automatically assumes that I want either Earl Neigh or Trottingham Breakfast due to my accent. It’s quite maddening, really.” He set the milk down and stirred his tea.

“I’ll bet,” said Silver Spoon, pouring sugar into her tea. “Ponies make assumptions about me, like, all the time so I can totally sympathize.”

The Doctor and Silver Spoon slathered their respective slices of toast with plenty of zap apple jam and simultaneously took a bite.

“Mmm,” remarked The Doctor as he spoke with his mouth full. “Taste that? That’s the product of a conscious planet and pure love. The Apple family loves the earth and the earth feels that love and returns it with interest. I find this unique relationship that earth ponies have with the planet to be quite fascinating. Just imagine: if you and I were to step outside and take a walk on the grass, the soil that met our hooves would be waiting to react to us. Waiting to feel our love and dedication for it. Waiting to receive seeds so that it can provide us with food to keep that love alive; love of food and friendship, hearth and home. This sacred union between planet and pony is our tribe’s legacy. The earth doesn’t listen to pegasi. Nor does it listen to unicorns. It only listens... to us.”

Silver Spoon swallowed her mouthful of toast and smiled. Her opinion of her tribe as the one that neither flew nor cast spells had changed and she couldn’t have been happier about it. She looked down at the jam-covered piece of toast in her hooves. This was the earth’s bounty that a loving branch of her tribe had reaped – and she bit into it with newfound pride and respect.

“Wow,” she said as she chewed. “You have such a colorful way with words, Doctor. You mentioned internal chemical reactions?” She brought her teacup to her snout and took a sip.

“Yes, I did,” said The Doctor. “Body chemistry. Among other things, equus terra can eat larger amounts of food than other tribes and not get a tummy ache. I know that a speedier metabolism isn’t as impressive an ability as flying but it’s something. We also have considerable endurance, marginally higher physical strength, and a greater resistance to injury and disease – quite possibly because of the earth’s desire to help its favored beneficiaries remain steadfast.”

“Steadfast?”

“Rooted in one spot. Anchored. Not easily spirited away. Take Granny Smith. She’s quite hardy for a mare her age. There are seniors in Ponyville Retirement Village who are younger than she is and she’s sprightly compared to them. I believe that the earth has a love affair with her, seeing as how she was the pony to bring zap apples out of the Everfree Forest and into the mouths of her fellow Equestrians. The earth can distinguish between equus terra who have called upon its services and those whose special talents are not earth related. And now it views Granny Smith as a tree, figuratively speaking. I doubt she’ll live forever... but she has good roots... and the earth won’t let a well-rooted tree get blown down easily.” The Doctor took a sip of his tea. “Speaking of things that get blown down, we completely got off track. Terribly sorry about that.”

“No, I think that was my fault.”

“You were talking about Diamond Tiara and how she parted ways with you.”

“Right. Well, after school was back in session, Diamond Tiara... did some awful stuff that got our teacher Miss Cheerilee mad at her. So mad that she even attacked us.”

“That would explain the dressing.” The Doctor pointed at Silver Spoon’s bandaged cheek.

“Yeah. Di’s father, Mister Rich, went off the deep end after finding out that Cheerilee hurt her. I don’t know all the details but the word on the street is that Mister Rich raped and murdered Cheerilee.”

“Goodness.”

“I know, right? I never would have thought he had it in him to do that. He was always so polite and kind to me. But then Diamond Tiara was actually happy that Cheerilee was killed. She even thought it was her magic that struck her down. I was so appalled that I ran away from her and that’s when I came up with the idea of staging an intervention for her. But then these three fillies we knew – classmates of ours – were so angry about Cheerilee’s murder that they were planning on killing Diamond Tiara... and me!”

“You? Why would they want to kill you? What did you do to upset them?”

“After the accident, nothing. Before the accident... well, I used to pick on them alongside Diamond Tiara for fun. Like, a lot.”

“Really? But you seem so sophisticated and mature.”

“I’ve got a bit of a dark side. I’m working on it, though. Anyway, I told Princess Twilight about what these three fillies were planning and, thank Celestia, she told me that she’d take care of it personally. So Diamond Tiara was saved... and she never even knew she was in any danger.”

“Why didn’t you tell her about it?”

“Because I didn’t want to stress her out any more than she already was and ruin the chance that she’d be open to my intervention. I was lucky to be where I was when I found out about the conspiracy to kill her but I can’t be everywhere at once. So I decided that I would try to reason with her... to get her to see that the way she’s been going is gonna come back to bite her in the plot... but she saw it as me abandoning her and that’s when she ditched me. Looking back, I guess I should have waited until Mister Rich was free before having that talk with her but who knows how long that would have taken? I had to act quickly for her own good.” She placed her head back on the table. “I’ve never seen her so upset before.” Tears quickly welled up in her eyes as she recalled how traumatic the experience was. Silver Spoon removed her glasses and set them aside as she rubbed her forehooves across her eyes. “It was awful. She spat on me, hurled every insult she could think of at me, and ran off, swearing that she would never speak to me again. I never felt so worthless in my life.”

“But you still love her.”

Silver Spoon forced her quivering lips to form a grin. She was only partially successful.

“...but I still love her,” she said. “and I always will.” She sat up and used her napkin to blow her nose. “Doctor, what do you know about infatuation?”

“Do you mean the difference between love and infatuation?”

“Yes. Diamond Tiara said that I was infatuated with her but I know that it’s love. It’s got to be love. Is there a way to know for sure?”

“Let me see. Well, let’s say that all you’d have to do to get Diamond Tiara to return your feelings was to put your forehoof on top of her forehoof and say ‘allons-y’. Would you do it?”

“No.”

“And why not?”

“Because that would be, like, forcing her to love me. If she can’t choose for herself who she falls in love with, then that wouldn’t be love at all. She’d just be doing what I want her to do.”

“Congratulations, Miss Spoon. You’ve passed the test. You truly love her.”

“Yes!” Silver Spoon threw her forelegs in the air to celebrate. “I knew it! Now if only I could convince her that I haven’t abandoned her.” She sighed at the difficulty of that task. “Ugh... but since she doesn’t want anything to do with me, that’s gonna take a miracle.”

The Doctor held his chin in his left forehoof.

“Tell you what,” he said. “I can’t make miracles happen... but I can help you get in touch with the pony who might be able to give you the next best thing.”

The Doctor reached into his bag and passed Silver Spoon a book. Silver Spoon took the book and held it upright.

“‘The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Horned Flying Royal Lady Horses’,” she read aloud. “That is hooves down the stupidest book title that I’ve ever heard.”

“Well, it was written as a guide for complete idiots so keep that in mind,” said The Doctor. “There’s a summoning ritual on page thirteen. When you go to bed tonight, whisper the passage on that page over and over until you drift off to sleep. If you keep at it and concentrate, Princess Luna should come to you in your dream. She’s got something of a soft spot for troubled foals like yourself. She might be willing to help you if she’s of a mind to.”

Silver Spoon gasped.

“It’s the Unspoken Wish!” she yelped.

“The what?” asked The Doctor.

“‘After She Who Welcomes approves your wish but before you depart, you must tell me to tell you these four things’. The way things are now, I definitely feel like all hope is lost.”

“Hope isn’t the only thing that’s lost. What are you talking about?”

“Doctor, do you know if Princess Luna has ever gone by the name She Who Welcomes?”

The Doctor shook his head.

“I can’t say that I do,” he replied.

“Oh,” said Silver Spoon. “Well, I guess I can just ask her about it when I see her.”

Silver Spoon climbed on the table, ran to The Doctor, and threw her forelegs around the back of his neck for a huge hug.

“Thanks for the talk, Doctor,” she said. “It really cheered me up. And if this summoning spell works, thank you in advance for giving me my life back.”

“You can thank me by paying attention to my lessons tomorrow morning,” said The Doctor.

She released The Doctor and took a few steps back to look at him.

“You said earlier that you’ve experienced heartbreak of your own before,” said Silver Spoon.

“That’s right, yes,” said The Doctor.

“That’s a shame. You seem like a really good catch.” Silver Spoon rolled her eyes whimsically. “Y’knooow, in a different time and place... maybe I could have been the mare to help you get over your heartbreak.” She gazed into his blue eyes and then took his right forehoof in her left forehoof. She stood on her hind legs, placed her right forehoof atop his, and smiled.

“Allons-y,” she whispered, batting her eyelashes at him flirtatiously.

The Doctor blushed and grinned at Silver Spoon slyly. He reclaimed his hoof from her and folded his forelegs across his chest.

“Now, see here, Miss Spoon,” he said in a mock serious tone. “There’ll be no hetero crushes on my watch, you saucy little minx, you.”

Silver Spoon chuckled, pleased to know that learning at home was going to be fun after all.

Princess Twilight Sparkle and Princess Celestia walked side by side through the dingy corridors of the Ponyville police precinct. Officers and citizens alike stopped what they were doing and bowed respectfully upon finding themselves in the presence of royalty.

The alicorns reached the superintendent’s desk and found him there with his face buried in a newspaper. Twilight cleared her throat to get the stallion’s attention. The superintendent briefly looked up at his visitors before returning his gaze to his paper. When the magnitude of the importance of the visitors standing before him had finally hit him, he fumbled spastically to put the paper away as quickly as possible – which caused a magazine concealed behind the paper to fall to the floor by Twilight’s hooves. She levitated the magazine and saw that the cover featured a mare outfitted with a bridle, striking a submissive and provocative pose.

“Greetings, superintendent,” said Celestia.

“Y-Your Highnesses,” said the superintendent in a jittery voice.

“SubPlot Magazine?” asked Twilight rhetorically. “Somehow, I imagined that an officer of the law would be indulging in a less offensive form of reading material than this... at least while they’re supposedly on the job.” The superintendent extended his right foreleg to take the magazine out of Twilight’s sight but she levitated it out of his reach and placed it under her wing. “Oh, you won’t be needing this anymore, superintendent. You’ll be far too busy to read it. You see, I’m going to have ten books sent to you from the castle library; classic literature. And I want you to write a book report for each of those books... and then I want you to deliver those ten book reports to my castle no later than the end of next month. And I will be grading those book reports personally so I had better be pleased with your work... because if I’m not, I’m going to present this de-equinizing garbage of yours to the mayor and let her decide on the best way to punish you. Do I make myself clear, superintendent?”

“Y-Yes, Your Highness,” said the superintendent.

“And I want them on college ruled paper, mister.”

“C-Certainly, Your Highness.”

“And you’d better believe that spelling counts.”

“O-Of course, Your Highness. Thank you, Your Highness.”

“Excellent. Now then, we would like to visit Filthy Rich. Please take us to his cell... and please refrain from digging for truffles along the way.”

“Y-Yes, Your Highness. Right away. Follow me, please.”

The princesses followed the superintendent. Celestia levitated the magazine out from under Twilight’s wing and looked at the cover.

“‘The All-Princess issue’,” she read as she opened the magazine and began to leaf through its pages. “Well, would you look at that? The models in this issue are made up to look like we alicorn princesses! Oh, my, this model does bear a striking resemblance to my sister... although those low quality fake wings ruin the illusion.”

“What?” asked Twilight. “Let me see that.” The magazine, which was surrounded by the golden aura of Celestia’s levitation spell, was now also surrounded by Twilight’s purple aura as she attempted to take possession of it.

“Just a moment,” said Celestia, pulling the magazine back and continuing to flip through the pages. “I want to see if the Princess Celestia model is any good.”

“Princess, please, let me see that.” Twilight increased the strength of her levitation spell and pulled the magazine toward her. “If I’m being denigrated, I want to take legal action against the publishers of this trash.”

“Oh, come now, Twilight, it's harmless parody; untouchable by the law.”

Twilight struggled to sustain her levitation spell to wrest the magazine away while Celestia wasn’t even breaking a sweat.

“Come on, Your Highness,” grunted Twilight who was holding her own against Celestia but not gaining any ground. “Please... give me... the... magazine.”

“There’s nothing in here that you haven’t seen before with the aid of a mirror, my impatient little pony,” said Celestia calmly as she continued to peruse the pages of the magazine. “Now please wait your turn.”

Twilight relinquished her hold on the magazine and stopped walking, agape at the very unladylike words that had left her venerable mentor’s mouth.

The superintendent led the princesses down several halls which required unlocking and re-locking several barred doors.

“I’ll have two of my officers present in the cell with you,” said the superintendent.

“I’d rather we be alone with him, if that’s all right,” said Princess Celestia.

“But it’s for your protection, Your Highness.”

Celestia raised an eyebrow.

“Superintendent," she said. "Let’s pretend for a moment that the mare who fought Tirek to a standstill was not going to be by my side during my visit with Filthy Rich." Twilight grinned. "I raise the sun. And I have been doing so since before your great grandfather’s great grandfather was a twinkle in his father’s eye. Do you truly believe that, in all that time, I haven’t taken measures to learn how to defend myself against one stallion?”

“O-Of course not, Your Highness," said the superintendent. "Please forgive my...uh... my...”

“Chauvinism?” suggested Twilight.

They reached Filthy Rich's cell. The stallion was dressed in an orange jumpsuit and was lying in bed. The superintendent struck the bars of the cell with his nightstick three times.

“Up and at ‘em, Mister Rich," said the superintendent. "You’ve got some high profile visitors dropping in on you.” He unlocked the cell door and allowed the alicorns admittance. He looked at Celestia. "Knock three times against the bars when you're ready to leave." Celestia nodded in acknowledgement.

“Hello, Mr. Rich,” said Princess Celestia. The cell door slammed shut and the superintendent walked away.

“Your Highnesses,” he said, bowing to the princesses. “It’s been too long since I’ve had the pleasure of your company. I regret that our reunion is under such dismal circumstances. Any word on Diamond Tiara’s condition?”

“I’m told that your daughter’s injuries were superficial,” said Twilight in a clinical tone. “She may need some counseling to recover from the trauma of her abuse but, last I heard, she was safe and sound at home.”

“You’ve been charged with some very serious crimes, Mr. Rich,” said Celestia. “As you do not appear to be enraged or mentally incompetent at the moment, I would very much like to hear your account of what happened on the day of the murder.”

“Yes, Your Highness,” said Filthy Rich. “I was visiting my Ponyville store. Cheerilee came to me. She intimated to me that she wished to have sexual relations with me. I’m a single stallion and she was a single and attractive mare so I obliged her by taking her to an out-of-the-way hotel. After our tryst, she explained how she had abused and even tried to kill my little girl earlier in the day. There was something in the way she spoke as she recounted the events that led me to believe that she was telling the truth. I ran out of the hotel to find Diamond Tiara and, sure enough, she was in the hospital receiving treatment for the injuries that Cheerilee had described. Her little bottom was mangled to pieces. I love my daughter more than anything, Your Highness. I was blinded by the rage that any father would have toward anypony who harmed his child. I ran back to the hotel room to find Cheerilee. I was so angry that I broke the door down. She was still there, lying on the ground. I looked to my left and saw the croquet mallet. I picked it up and I proceeded to hit her in the head with it... until she didn’t have a head anymore.”

Filthy Rich sighed.

“I admit to a crime of passion, Your Highnesses,” he continued. “My love for my daughter is my shortcoming – but I swear to you that I neither marenapped nor raped Cheerilee. She came with me to the hotel willingly and we had sex consentually. I didn’t know she had hurt my daughter until she admitted to it in the hotel room. I would have had no reason to marenap her before then. And I know it sounds sexist but, as a billionaire, I’m somewhat accustomed to mares throwing themselves at me. I’m not so hard up for female companionship that I need to force myself on a mare.”

“The hotel clerk said that he saw you with Cheerilee draped over your back and unconscious when you signed the registry,” said Twilight. “Explain that.”

“She was pretending to be asleep,” said Filthy Rich. “And yes, I know how silly that sounds but it’s the truth. Before she and I arrived at the hotel, she told me that when she was a little filly, she got a kick out of fooling ponies into thinking that she was asleep. She told me that she wanted to do it again. It seemed harmless enough to me so I humored her and carried her into the hotel room. I didn’t question her little quirk for fear of causing her to change her mind about the hotel. At the time, I didn’t see the harm in obliging her but, my goodness, do I certainly see it now.”

“There was a receipt found in your cart for the mallet, the duct tape, and the shackle,” said Celestia. “The cashier on duty identified you as the pony who brought those items to the register and paid for them. Those seem like some very unusual items to purchase prior to engaging in consentual sex, wouldn’t you agree, Mr. Rich?”

“I did purchase them but they weren’t for me,” said Filthy Rich. “Cheerilee asked if I could spot her for those items before we left my store and that’s what I did. She never said what they were for and I never asked. We were going to part ways eventually so she asked if I could bring the items in with us rather than leave them out in my wagon where a thief could steal them.”

“Can anypony else corroborate that she was the one to ask for those items?”

Filthy Rich shook his head.

“It happened during a peak hour of business,” he muttered. “I doubt that any of my employees were eavesdropping on us. So, no, nopony can corroborate that; nopony that I know or would be able to contact, at any rate.”

“Cheerilee’s...”

Twilight paused.

“My friend’s body was found shackled to the hotel room radiator and her legs were bound with duct tape,” she quavered. “Her neck and ankles had bruises consistent with a pony attempting to break their bonds. Duct tape was discovered over what was left of her mouth. Why the Tartaros was she found this way, Mister Rich?”

“Twilight,” cautioned Celestia.

“I was so enraged by the time I came back to the hotel that I didn’t even notice that she was shackled and bound until after I struck her down," said Filthy Rich. "I have a theory as to why she was found like that. I believe that she did it to herself. She seduced me and then confessed her crime to me so as to provoke me into killing her. It’s the only thing that makes sense.”

“Apart from the obvious,” grumbled Twilight.

“It was intended to appear as though the obvious took place, Princess. That was the whole point. I’ve been set up. She pretended to be asleep so that she could paint herself as an abductee. She asked for the sex in the hotel and then chained herself to the radiator so that I’d be painted as a rapist. And she asked for the mallet to be left in our room so that, after I verified that she had actually abused my daughter, I would be angry enough to put her out of her misery with it. When I left the hotel to find my daughter, Cheerilee was lounging around on the bed. She was as free as a bird and could have left at any time but she didn’t because she wanted to be found so that I could bludgeon her to death upon my return. I am the victim of an elaborate hoax that was designed to get the father of the filly she hated into legal hot water... and her plan worked perfectly.” Filthy Rich closed his eyes and sighed. “I thank you for taking time out of your busy schedules to listen to my tale, Your Highnesses, but I feel that I should remain silent until my lawyer visits me later today.”

“As you wish," said Celestia. "Come, Twilight. Our business here has concluded.” She raised her hoof to strike the bars and summon the superintendent.

“Princess Celestia, wait,” said Filthy Rich.

“Yes, Mister Rich?”

"I beg of you – if not for me, then in honor of the Riches before me who helped found Ponyville and made it the prosperous town that it is today – please see to it that the judge sets bail. I don’t care how high it is. Whatever the amount, I’ll gladly pay it. I swear on my family’s name that I won’t try to leave town. I just want to spend some time with my daughter before I’m... well... before the judge decides my fate.”

“There won’t be a judge presiding over your trial, Mr. Rich,” said Celestia. “Murder trials are overseen by royalty. There hasn’t been a murder trial in Equestria since the first two hundred years of its existence. I presided over the last one. It didn’t end well for the defendant.”

Twilight grinned coldly as she watched the stallion’s eyes for a sign of the dread that would come from the realization that Princess Celestia could not be bought and paid for the way that Judge Harshly had.

“However,” added Celestia, “As your crime was committed in Ponyville, I believe that this case falls more appropriately under Princess Twilight Sparkle’s jurisdiction. Therefore, I hereby decree that she shall be the princess to preside over your trial.”

It took every fiber of Twilight’s being to suppress her gut reaction to Celestia’s proclamation. To second guess Celestia’s royal decree would have made her mentor look foolish. Celestia turned to look at her protege and grinned. Twilight returned the grin despite being drafted into service.

“Princess Twilight,” said Filthy Rich. “I’m of no danger to anypony else. You can put me under house arrest. I won’t leave my home except to go to the courthouse. My daughter needs me. Please consider my request. I’m begging you.”

“I’ll... consider your request, Mr. Rich,” said Twilight, trying her best to sound regal. “A bail hearing will be scheduled for tomorrow morning at nine.”

"Uh, that won't work, Your Highness; that's when my arraignment is scheduled."

"Oh. In that case, the morning... after tomorrow morning. At nine."

“Thank you, Princess. Thank you.”

Twilight knocked on the bars and the superintendent quickly came out to release his guests from the cell.

“Your Highnesses?” called out Filthy Rich as the princesses walked away. “With all due respect, I’d like to ask what you would have done if you had been in my horseshoes. What if somepony hurt your baby?”

“I would have let the law take its course," said Twilight. "Which is exactly what you should have done.”

Princess Celestia hesitated to answer.

“Twilight’s sentiments reflect my own,” she said at last. Celestia and Twilight made their way to the main exit.

“Princess, I don’t know if I can do this,” said Twilight as she walked toward the castle alongside Celestia, passersby bowing.

“You must, Twilight," said Celestia. "...if only because I know that I cannot.”

“What do you mean?”

“I lied to Filthy Rich. The truth is that my compassion is not without limit. Vast would my love be for my own foal and terrible would my wrath be for one who abused the fruit of my womb. Had I been in Filthy Rich’s horseshoes and discovered that somepony had harmed my daughter, I believe I would have crushed every bone in that pony’s body, saving the head for last.”

Celestia’s chilling revelation took Twilight by surprise.

“But Filthy Rich is not the ruler of Equestria so he must answer for his crimes, even if I can sympathize with one of them... and I ask that you please disregard my comment when the time comes for you to make your decision.”

“Couldn’t Princess Luna oversee the trial instead? Or Princess Cadance?”

“I fear that Luna’s fondness for foals would make impartiality just as much of an impossibility with her as it is with me. She hides it well but I can tell that she is still healing from the hardship of her banishment to the moon... and I would see her spared any additional stress... just as I’m certain that you would spare Cadance the stress of presiding over this trial. She and Shining Armor have been planning on starting their own family. You’d be doing her a favor by handling this yourself. Your sister-in-law aside, you are the least biased princess and I can count on you to put your feelings aside and do a job that needs doing.”

Twilight groaned. She definitely didn’t want to put this weight on her sister-in-law’s back if a pregnancy was forthcoming, especially since her parents were wild about the idea of becoming grandparents and her adventures in Ponyville had placed finding a husband of her own relatively low on her list of priorities.

“I realize that this will be difficult,” continued Celestia, “but I wouldn’t have selected you for the job if I didn’t believe in my heart that it would be in your best interests. Your victory over Tirek aside, I believe that the exposure you’ll receive in this high profile case will legitimize your reign in a way that a show of raw power simply cannot achieve. This trial will showcase a different set of your skills, once which will inspire your subjects to respect and comply with the law. Ruling with wisdom and kindness is wonderful in theory but when laws are disregarded, the guilty must be punished if you are to be taken seriously. And if there’s one thing I know about my faithful student Twilight Sparkle, it’s that she wishes to be taken seriously.”

Twilight furrowed her brow. She was upset with herself for being so lily-livered that Princess Celestia needed to convince her of the importance of this task. This was a test and, like every test ever set before her, Twilight intended to pass it.

“You’re right,” said Twilight. “I’ll do it. I’m sorry I hesitated. So – what do you make of his alibi?”

“His confession to the murder was sincere. But that same sincerity was present in his voice when he denied the rape and marenapping charges.”

“I noticed that, too. Do you know of any spells that could determine whether or not he’s telling the truth?”

“None that would be admissible in court. Evidence obtained by magical means is disallowed in courtrooms out of respect to pegasi and earth ponies. The guilt of the accused must be proven through conventional means. But with no witnesses or proof, I fail to see how his assisted suicide theory could stand up in court for very long.”

“Will the district attorney seek the death penalty?”

“It's possible. But the death penalty is only one of several possible punishments. Filthy Rich also has a rape charge to answer for... and the penalty for that is castration.”

“Oh, my gosh. What if Cheerilee really did set him up? I’ll have wrongfully mutilated an innocent stallion.”

“You must find him innocent for him to be innocent. You cannot strive to be right, Twilight. You can only strive to be just. Should you find him guilty on any of his charges, I strongly recommend that you do not suspend his sentences. To do so would give the citizens of Ponyville the justification they need to seek retribution against Filthy Rich – angry mob style. I’ll mobilize a platoon or two of my royal guard and have them assigned to Ponyville as soon as possible to help maintain the peace around here. And during their stay, they can even aid you and your friends in your search for Pinkie Pie.”

“Thank you, Your Highness. That would be most helpful.”

“I know you have a good heart but now is the time for you to put it aside and use your good head. Make no mistake; this is the most unpleasant part of wearing a crown. If you perform your duty as well as I believe you shall, it might just be the last time you’ll need to do it. Also...”

“Yes?”

Celestia placed a wing across Twilight’s back.

“Not to sound ghoulish... but, as we both know, Filthy Rich is a very wealthy pony. The small percentage of his bail money that the town keeps could go a long way toward funding many projects in Ponyville. Don’t be afraid to set his bail too high. His net worth is in the tens of billions – the high tens... or so I’m told. Now, if there’s nothing further, I do believe I’d like to pass out on my bed until sunset. My flight back to Equestria was tiresome.”

“There is one more thing.”

“Yes?”

“I’m doing some research on behalf of a friend of mine and I was wondering if you had heard of any of the three things on her list. Since I came up blank, I promised her that I’d ask you about them when I saw you next.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. First, a filly or mare named She Who Welcomes.”

“I’ve never known anypony who went by that name.”

“Next, a concept – possibly a spell – called The Unspoken Wish.”

“I’ve never heard of that, either.”

“And the last item: ambrosia blossoms.”

Celestia flinched. Twilight saw her mentor’s horn glow and the next thing she knew was that she and Celestia were standing on a cloud far above Ponyville.

“Who is this pony that was asking you about ambrosia blossoms?” asked Celestia in a very serious tone.

“I... was entrusted to keep her identity confidential.”

“Twilight, listen to me. This may be a matter of national security. I must insist that you divulge the identity of this filly who asked you about ambrosia blossoms.”

“I understand. It was Silver Spoon.”

“The earth pony filly? But how can this be? What does she know about them?”

“Nothing apart from their name which she heard in a dream.”

“A dream?" Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Luna. I’ll have to talk with my sister and see if she's let it slip. Are you certain Silver Spoon knows nothing else about them?”

“Yes, absolutely.”

“Very well. I shall tell you what I know of ambrosia blossoms - but at a later date... and back at Canterlot Castle." Twilight nodded. "Oh, and Twilight?”

“Yes?”

“There isn’t a Princess Twilight Sparkle section in this magazine,” said Celestia, holding the superintendent's confiscated magazine up.

“There isn’t?” asked Twilight, unsure of whether she should be relieved or insulted by her exclusion.

“No... but there is a Princess Twilight ‘Spankle’ with Princess ‘Gaydance’ section.”

“WHAT??”

“‘These hot young sisters-in-law will awaken more than your ladybugs as they clap their hooves and do a little – experimentation.’” read Celestia.

Twilight flew beside Celestia and flipped through the aforementioned pictorial. She cringed as each page was more graphic than the one before it.

“How could anypony... what in the... I’ve never been so.... UHHHH!!! Somepony’s going to pay for this.”

“There’s nothing I can do for you, Rich," said Haul Goodwagon, Filthy Rich's attorney. "I hate to admit it but it’s true. That mare played you but good.”

“So you believe me?”

“Oh, absolutely. Tartaros hath no fury like a mare set on screwing you over. If you hadn’t told me her name was Cheerilee, I would have sworn that you had bludgeoned my first ex-wife. You don’t take requests, do you?”

Filthy Rich shot Haul a dirty look.

“I can see that this is a bad time for joking," said Haul. "Mea culpa. And since you don’t pay me for my winning personality and good looks, here’s some legal advice: plead guilty to all three charges and throw yourself at Princess Twilight’s mercy.”

“Is that really the best you can do for me?” asked Filthy Rich.

“Yes but it is sound advice. I’ve done my homework on this Twilight Sparkle. She’s not some stodgy, stolid lifer judge. She’s a pollyanna and she’s a novice at the criminal justice game. You have no idea how lucky you are that Princess Celestia selected her to oversee your trial instead of doing it herself. Plead guilty, keep your mouth shut, don’t waste Princess Twilight’s time and, at best, she might sentence you to fifteen to twenty in a maximum security prison where you might eventually be paroled. Who knows; if you keep your nose clean – among other parts of your anatomy – you could even earn some conjugal visits.”

“My testosterone is what got me into this mess. My genitals and I aren’t on speaking terms at the moment.”

“Well, that might be a good thing, Rich... because at worst, you’ll be surgically castrated – and then executed... or banished from Equestria... or banished to the Block of the Living in Tartarus where Tirek is imprisoned. I don’t know which way he swings but that is one bar of soap you definitely do not want to drop. No matter what happens, I’m sorry to say that your future looks pretty damned bleak.”

“Assuming that I’m given the death penalty for the murder... would I still be castrated for the rape before being put to death?”

“Let me answer that question with a question: would it be much of a punishment if it was done after you were put to death?”

“I suppose not.”

“Look at the bright side. At least you’re being surgically castrated. In the days before anesthesia, they just snipped off the-”

“Haul! Not helping.”

“Sorry.”

“I’m pleading guilty to the murder but not guilty to the marenapping and rape. I’ve lived by the truth all these years and I’ll die by it, too. My family’s word has been our bond for generations.”

“Well, unless you want your family’s word to be spoken in soprano, you’ll take my advice. I’ve led you to the water. I can’t make you drink it. Either way, thanks for the retainer. It paid for many a relaxing massage. I’ll send your daughter to the visitation booth now.”

Haul left the room and Filthy Rich entered a chamber with a magical force field in place. Within moments of his arrival, Diamond Tiara entered from the door on the other side of the force field. She ran to her father and plastered the side of her face against the magical barrier. Filthy Rich did the same. It wasn't the hug either of them wanted but it would have to do.

“Daddy,” she whimpered.

“Oh, Princess," said Filthy Rich. It’s so good to see you. Are you okay?”

“I’m all right... but what about you?”

“It’s no mansion in here but it isn’t as bad as I imagined it would be.”

“Why won’t they let me in to see you? I’m your daughter. You wouldn’t hurt me.”

“It’s just a precaution. What is that you’ve got on your hind legs?”

“It’s just a temporary harness so that I can get around while I heal.”

“Want to trade?” He pointed to his hind legs and the massive iron spheres chained to his ankles.

“What are those?”

“Safety weights. So that we prisoners don’t use our hind legs to buck a guard in the head. Just another precaution.”

“Are they gonna let you out of here?”

“Not yet. I have a hearing on Thursday morning. Once bail has been set... if bail has been set... I can post it and I’ll be able to go home for the duration of my trial.”

“Ponies are saying that you kidnapped Miss Cheerilee... and that you raped her. Why would anypony make up such lies about you?”

“I did sleep with her but-”

“EWW! Why, Daddy? She was gross!”

“...but I swear to you that it was consentual. And you may have thought she was gross but beauty is in the eye of the beholder... and I do have a stallion’s eyes.”

“Consentual or not, how could you get your jollies with the mare who hurt me?”

“There’s no ‘or not’ about it, Diamond Tiara. I’m telling you it was consentual and that’s the truth. And I didn’t know she had hurt you until she told me – which was after we’d slept together in the hotel room. She got to me before the authorities could inform me that she had whipped you and tried to kill you. And when you confirmed it for me, I went back and... ended her life. But I did not marenap her and I did not rape her.”

“Okay, I believe you, but still – why couldn’t you have had somepony else take care of her for you?” Diamond Tiara eyes shifted to one side and she whispered her next words while holding her right forehoof to the side of her mouth. “You... 'know' some ponies, don’t you?”

Filthy Rich frowned.

“Your father neither consorts with nor employs assassins, baby girl. You should know better than to ask me something like that. In fact, I remember Cheerilee saying that you had been up to a number of things that you should have known better than to do. She told me that you had been disrespectful to her; that you had been using my position with the school board to manipulate her... and that you basically drove her to attack you. What do you know about that?”

Diamond Tiara averted her eyes.

“Only that she’s almost as bad of a liar as she was a teacher,” she muttered.

“Diamond Tiara, do not cast your eyes away from your father when he’s asking you a direct question. A Rich always looks a pony in the eye when speaking to others. Otherwise, we risk being perceived as weak or dishonest, which we are not. Have I taught you nothing?”

Diamond Tiara hung her head. She remained silent.

“Don’t want to talk?” asked Filthy Rich. “Okay. I’ll talk some more. My lawyer told me that the authorities found your teacher’s medical records scattered about the floor of the schoolhouse, original documents that were never supposed to leave Ponyville Hospital’s records room. Not even Miss Cheerilee could request the originals. She only had copies of them and those were found in her home – but that file found its way to the schoolhouse on the day you were attacked. Do you know anything about that?”

Diamond Tiara remained silent. Filthy Rich raised an eyebrow.

“Well, whoever liberated those records from the hospital and left them for the police to find certainly must have had it in for me.”

“Why do you say that?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“I own a large part of Ponyville Hospital and I’m on the board of directors. Well, I was on the board of directors. Because somepony whose identity shall remain a mystery saw fit to pilfer Cheerilee’s personal medical records and chose to make her oophorectomy public knowledge, I stood to lose a fair amount of money in a breach of confidentialty lawsuit. All Miss Cheerilee had to do was hire a lawyer to write up the paperwork. But she didn’t get around to that because I ended her. Scratch one lawsuit. This gives the prosecution one Tartarus of an additional motive to pin on me in court, one that all but washes out my original ‘emotionally distressed father’ defense and repaints me as a desperate, money-grubbing madstallion.”

Diamond Tiara winced.

“Cheerilee could have just hanged herself if she wanted to die but that wouldn’t have done nearly as much damage as the plan she put together. That mare played me for a fool. She must have been laughing at me right before the end. I don’t know what you were thinking when you stole her file and used it to humiliate her but, my Celestia, baby girl, it is now that much harder for me to earn my freedom. I don’t want to go to prison but not even my lawyer likes my chances. Even if I’m somehow miraculously cleared of all charges and set free, the public will want to skin me alive for evading justice so soon after your sentence was suspended. They tend to remember when the wealthy find a way around the long foreleg of the law. Once is bad enough but twice? I assure you that the pitchforks and torches would not be far behind.”

“Idiots. All of them.”

“You know, not counting yesterday, everything I’ve done since I was eighteen years old, I did to make my family proud, to bring honor to the Rich name in Ponyville and Equestria. When you used the school board to put pressure on Miss Cheerilee so that you could do as you pleased in her class, were you thinking of how proud you’d be making your great grandfather Stinking Rich and the rest of the family up in Elysium? Hm? Did you think of how proud you’d be making me by drudging up Miss Cheerilee’s medical records and blabbing about her surgery to a bunch of foals who had no business knowing about it? Did you think about anypony but yourself?”

“...I... I don’t know.”

“Well, you might as well start thinking about me now because thoughts and memories are going to be all that you’ll have left to remember me by. The Rich name will be all but worthless in this town once I’m sentenced. There’s a good chance that I’ll be put to death for what I’ve done.”

“Please don’t be mad at me, Daddy. I love you.”

“I know, Diamond Tiara. I love you, too. I loved you too much... but I also didn’t love you enough. Cheerilee was right about one thing: I wasn’t there for you. For you to have done the things you’ve done without me noticing is a reflection of my poor parental supervision. I’ve failed as a father.”

“Don’t say that! The last pony who should be talking to anypony about parenting was her!”

“No, baby girl, she opened my eyes. I accept full responsibility. For everything. This is for the best. My mind is made up. You should know I’m pleading not guilty to the rape and marenapping but I am pleading guilty to the murder.”

“Why? You didn’t kill anypony that didn’t deserve to die!”

“So you presume to know who deserves to live and who deserves to die? Sweetheart, I threw my moral compass away when I decided to kill your teacher in cold blood. I wasn’t in my right mind. How is it that you happen to be blessed with the wisdom to make that kind of judgment call when it’s hard enough for a court of law to do the same thing?”

“I... I don’t know, all right? Just... please... don’t let them take you away from me. I don’t want to lose you. You’re all I have left.”

“I’d rather lose every cent I’ve ever earned than bring you to tears, Diamond Tiara. But actions have consequences. Now, somepony has to face those consequences and if it’ll take the heat off of you, I’d rather it be me. It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done... and I’m doing it because I love you. It's getting to be past your bedtime, little lady. You should get back to the mansion. I’ll see you when I come home, Princess. Bye.”

“Bye.”

Diamond Tiara blew her father a kiss as she walked backwards and left the room. Haul Goodwagon saw the filly walk past him.

“Hey, kid," said Haul. "I can give you a ride home if you wa-”

“Don’t talk to me," growled Diamond Tiara. "You’re worthless! I hate you!”

Haul flinched as Diamond Tiara slammed the door behind her on her way outside.

“I think I may have found a future ex-wife-in-training,” he noted to himself.

Silver Spoon was standing in nothingness. There was nothing to see but blackness in every direction. She looked at her left foreleg. She could see her own body clearly despite the lack of a visible source of light... and that made no sense. She was seconds away from calling out for somepony when an image of the Equestrian national banner appeared before her.

“Thank you for using the Equestrian Princess Summoning Spell,” said a mare’s voice. “All of our princesses are currently busy helping other subjects. Your summoning may be monitored for quality assurance and training purposes. The expected wait time for the next available princess will be... twelve... minutes. When your summoning has concluded, please remain on the spell to participate in a brief subject satisfaction survey.”

The darkness lifted and Silver Spoon was hit with the salty smell of the ocean and a noticeable increase in temperature. She was on the deck of an olden days sailing ship that was being overrun by pirates who were boarding it from a ship moored to its starboard side. The boarding party was engaged in a ferocious sword battle with three dozen armed soldiers – and the soldiers were dropping like flies. When the last soldier fell, the pirates focused their attention on Silver Spoon. The filly gulped and, as she took a few steps backward, she felt something brushing against her flank and hind legs. She looked at her body and saw that she was clad in a period accurate pine green dress, complete with a bodice and a crinoline petticoat. She barely had a moment to admire the beauty of her intricate ensemble when a group of pirates seized her roughly and tied her forehooves together. She was slung across the back of one pirate who then trotted over to the mainmast and set her down.

Silver Spoon saw a filly standing by the mainmast and instantly recognized her as Diamond Tiara, dressed in a pirate captain’s hat and a long fancy scarlet coat with shiny gold buttons.

“Greetings, Lady Fencepigeon,” said Diamond Tiara. “I be Demon Terror, captain of the goodship Sarah Jessica Parker and ye be my prisoner. Your father, The Duke of Trottingham, will pay handsomely for your safe return. A pity that yer ransom won’t spare ye the natural wear and tear that comes with sharing my bed.”

“Your bed?”

Captain Terror turned her head and faced her crew.

“All right, mateys, you know the drill,” she barked. “Pick this ship clean of everything of value. I’ll be taking Lady Fencepigeon here aboard the Sarah Jessica Parker to me quarters down below. Leave us be until nightfall. I want to enjoy this delicate morsel to the fullest.”

“Yes!” squealed Silver Spoon. “I’m going to be enjoyed! Down below!”

“Ah, what a beauteous flower ye be, Lady Fencepigeon,” said Captain Terror as he untied Silver Spoon's forelegs. The fillies were locked away in the captain's quarters with a few candles lighting the cramped room.

“Thanks," she said, throwing herself on the captain's bed. "Now could you please get a move on and make with the ravishing?”

“Ye know, a sea captain’s life be a lonely one.” The captain removed her coat slowly as she reflected on the philosophy of her profession.

“Yeah, yeah, less talking, more deflowering, okay? We’ve got... what, probably less than nine minutes to go?” Silver Spoon fiddled with her bodice to remove her clothing but its thin laces weren't designed to be undone by pony hooves. "Geez, how does a pony get this thing on without a unicorn's help?"

“Allow me, milady.” Captain Terror climbed on top of Silver Spoon, bit down on the neckline of Silver Spoon’s dress, and leaned back, tearing the garment open and exposing most of the gray filly’s torso. Captain Terror hungrily covered Silver Spoon’s neck with kisses, placing the next one lower than the one before it.

“Oh-ho-yeah-ha!” whooped Silver Spoon, smiling and wriggling with anticipation. “Can you say ‘best dream ever’?” She closed her eyes and reveled in the sensation. “Find my buried treasure, Captain Terror. X marks the-” Silver Spoon opened her eyes and stopped talking. She saw Princess Luna standing beside the bed, looking at her with one eyebrow raised. “Spot. I-I mean... Somepony...anypony... help meeee.” She struck the captain repeatedly with both forehooves with a speed that was less than retaliatory. She stopped for a moment and placed her right foreleg against her forehead. “I’m being taken advantage of by a filly. And I’m a filly, too, so..." She resumed her uninspired thrashing of the captain. "...Noooooooo.”

“Okay, wow," said Princess Luna with a facehoof. "Stop. Just... stop. You are the world’s worst actress.”

“What, you think I want this? This is, like, a nightmare for me since I’m, y’know...” Silver Spoon’s eyes rolled back in her head as Captain Terror kissed her chest. “...st... straight.” Her voice was breathy with delight. “I’m sorry, what were we talking about just now?”

“Give it up, Silver Spoon. You don’t have to pretend with me. I know you’re a filly-fooler... and I don’t care.”

“Oh. Well, you can’t blame a filly for trying. Say, I don’t suppose you could come back a little later, could you?”

“You summoned me. I am here now. Is this what you wanted to show me? A naughty dream? Because, I’ll be honest, I’ve seen better.”

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and sighed.

“No,” she grumbled. “This isn’t why I summoned you.”

“Then let’s not waste any more of my royal time, shall we?”

“Okayyyyy,” bemoaned Silver Spoon.

Princess Luna blasted Captain Terror with a bolt of energy from her horn, turning her back into harmless dreamstuff which dissipated and then vanished.

“Now then – it has been eons since I have been summoned by the method which you have used,” explained Luna. “It makes me feel delightfully nostalgic. I used to monitor these summonings almost exclusively before my fall from grace as Nightmare Moon. Since my return to the earth, I’ve resumed responsibility for it. Unfortunately, everypony who knew of this summoning ritual has passed on and nopony living now even remembers that it exists. How did you discover it, if you don’t mind my asking?”

“I found it in a book called The Complete Idiot’s Guide To Horned Flying Royal Lady Horses.”

“I didn’t think any copies of that book still remained, outside of museum exhibits.”

“No, actually, it looked brand new. My teacher lent it to me.”

“Well, that book was published two millenia ago so either it’s a reproduction or your teacher can travel through time.” Luna clapped her forehooves together. “Let’s begin, shall we?”

“Yes, of course.”

“You don’t mind if I speak to you in The Royal Canterlot Voice, do you? For old time’s sake, you understand.”

“Oh, no, not at all. But first, I have a question. Have you ever gone by the name She Who Welcomes?”

“No, child. Why do you ask?”

“No reason. Please continue.”

“Thy Princess of the Night hath arrived.”

“O, Luna, Princess of the Night, Guardian of Dreams, Protector of Foals, thy humble subject begs of thee a boon.”

“Pray, what is this boon thou speakest of, my loyal subject?”

“I need your help to reunite with my friend Diamond Tiara. We had a falling out and I want an audience with her so that she can hear what I have to say. She would only run away from me if I approached her but she’d respect you. She’d obey somepony as powerful and wise and beautiful as you.”

“My, my. You’re quite the apple polisher, aren’t you, my child? Very well, then. Present thy sacrificial tribute to thy Princess that we may verify that thy homage is equal to thine request. Eee! This is so much fun! I love receiving gifts.”

“My... sacrificial tribute?”

“Yes, child.”

“Uhhh...”

“You know – your offering?”

Silver Spoon’s jaw dropped.

“I... don’t have an offering, Your Highness.”

“Didst thou summon thy Princess without the proper traditional offering? Oh, poo.”

“I must not have read far enough in the book. I don’t remember seeing anything about an offering.”

“In days of old, to summon a princess without having her tribute at the ready was a grave insult punishable by banishment from Equestria.”

“Please spare me, Your Highness! I didn’t know!”

“I said ‘in days of old’. Pay attention.”

“Oh, right. Sorry. Anyway, I’ve got seven hundred and fifty thousand bits in my savings account. Just say the word and it’s all yours.”

“We care not for earthly riches, child. We require something more substantial than... Wait, did you say seven hundred and fifty thousand bits? As in three-quarters of a million?”

“Yes. Is that not enough? Did you want more? I might be able to ask my dad for an advance on my allowance.”

“You mean you can get your hooves on even more money? Huh! This is preposterous! I don’t have that much spending money... and I’m The Princess of the Night!” Luna narrowed her eyes and stroked her chin. “It would appear that a word with the royal treasurer is in order.”

“So you’ll take my savings?”

“No. It wouldn’t look good for my royal guard to show up at my bank to deposit your check. And hauling off a wagonful of cash would look even worse.”

“Then what is it that you want for your tribute?”

“A higher paying career, for starters.”

“What?”

“Never mind, child. What doth thou possess that thou valuest... Wait... valuest? Is it – is it valuest? Or valueth? Why doesn’t that sound right?”

“Beats me.”

“This is what happens when you don’t have anypony to speak The Olden Tongue with for a thousand years. What hath thou currently in thy possession that thou holdest most dear?”

“Apart from my money and my friendship with Diamond Tiara, there’s nothing I have of value. How depressing is that? Um... do you want... oh, gosh, what about my cutie mark?”

“Your princess hath her own cutie mark. What need hath we of a second one?” Luna chuckled at something. “Heh, then I’d be Princess Spoona! Ha ha ha ha ha! In all seriousness, it’s very sweet of you to offer your cutie mark but I do have my own... and my sister would have a fit if she heard I took one as tribute. Isn’t there anything else you have? Something that’s exclusively yours that you’d miss if it was gone but that you’d be willing to part with in exchange for my help? It doesn’t have to be a material object.”

“Do you wannnnnnnnnnnnt... my parents?”

“Your parents? I’m not a dealer in equine trafficking, child. Pray, who are your parents that you would offer them to me?”

“Hoity Toity and Photo Finish.”

Princess Luna grimaced.

“Ugh. I’ve visited their dreams before.” Luna shuddered. “You can have them – along with my sympathies.”

“Thank you.”

“Not to mention that you’d have to miss them if they were gone for it to count as a sacrifice.”

“Oh, right, I forgot about that. Uhhh, what else, what else?”

Silver Spoon remembered that she did have something. With any luck, it would fit the bill.

“Princess,” she said. “I do have something that is exclusively mine that I would miss if it was gone... only... I’m hesitant to offer it because I don’t want to offend you.”

“A poor offering is less offensive than no offering, child.”

“I have a... I can’t believe I’m doing this... I have a hairpulling fetish. When my hair is pulled, it feels immensely pleasurable. It even... oh, never mind.”

“What? ‘It even’ what?”

“I’d rather not say, Your Highness. It’s embarrassing.”

“Oh, come onnnnnnn... don’t be that way. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. We’re both girls here.”

“Well, all right. It even feels... naughty. Like, really naughty.”

Princess Luna blinked. Her eyes shifted awkwardly from side to side.

“Th... Thy... Princess of the... Night hath... no need for such... base... indulgences. How naughty are we talking?”

“This summoning is monitored for training purposes, right?”

“Yes, what you and I say is magically transcripted and archived. But whispers are exempt from the transcription spell and my sister hasn’t read those transcripts in eons. At least I hope she hasn’t. Would you feel more comfortable whispering it to me?” Silver Spoon nodded and Luna lowered her head. Silver Spoon approached the princess and whispered the details of the fetish into her ear. Luna's eyes widened with surprise.

“You’re putting me on,” said Luna.

“No, I’m not,” said Silver Spoon. "I swear it can happen if you pull long enough."

Princess Luna used her levitation to remove Silver Spoon’s scrunchie.

“Though ‘tis a meager offering at best, thy Princess hath taken pity on thee. It is done. Thine scrunchie hath been accepted, Silver Spoon, and thy boon shall be granted."

“But I thought you-”

“We said thine... ‘scrunchie’... wink, wink... hath been accepted, Silver Spoon.”

“Oh. Right. My ‘scrunchie’. Thank you.”

“Thy friend shall be calling upon thee soon to discuss thine broken friendship. So sweareth Princess Luna of Equestria. Okay, the transcription is off now.”

“How soon is soon, Your Highness?”

“What do I look like; a waitress? Why don’t I just get on that right away? It’s not as though I have any other major responsibilities. I just raise this tiny little thing every night. Maybe you’ve heard of it? It’s called... the moon? Honestly. I’ll get to your friend when I can find the time. Oh, just to make sure the sacrifice worked...”

Luna bit down on Silver Spoon’s braid and pulled hard.

“AAOW!!” shrieked Silver Spoon. She glared at Luna angrily. “Hey! That hurt!” Her expression changed from irritation to one of understanding. Her fetish was in the hooves – or scalp in this case – of Princess Luna now. “Oh, wow. It worked. It just hurts.” She rubbed the base of her braid with her right forehoof. “So that’s what it feels like to everypony else to have their hair pulled, huh? That sucks. No wonder Di thought I was a pervert.”

Luna pulled her own mane via telekinesis. She gasped as her eyes closed and her tongue dangled.

“Oh, manure,” she said with a pleased smile. She gave it a second stronger tug. “Oh-ho-ho, manurrrre! Your princess enjoys this tribute!”

“It works on your tail, too, but don’t pull your tail and your mane at the same time unless you’re, like, all alone.”

Princess Luna decided that being in Silver Spoon’s presence constituted being alone and she began pulling her own tail and mane simultaneously.

Silver Spoon yelped as she sat up in her bed, having successfully forced herself to awaken rather than be subjected to a disturbing display. She turned on her nightstand lamp, put on her glasses and took her braid into her hooves. Her scrunchie was gone, which meant that her fetish was gone as well. As she lay back down and stared at the ceiling, she cheered herself up by reminding herself that Princess Luna would grant her an audience with Diamond Tiara – perhaps even in the dreamworld. She unbuttoned her pajama top and touched her chest where Captain Demon Terror had kissed her.

Silver Spoon’s pupils narrowed as she saw a long, dark pointy object rise quickly from her chest. It was Princess Luna's horn. The alicorn had made herself intangible and her head was now poking through Silver Spoon's chest.

“You forgot to take the survey,” said Princess Luna who was now nose to nose with the filly.

Silver Spoon was so startled by the sudden and patently creepy arrival of Princess Luna that she summarily fainted. Luna cringed and covered her own mouth with her right forehoof, remorseful over frightening the poor filly unintentionally.

“Oh, dear,” said Luna. “Please forgive me, child. But... as long as you’re asleep again, would you mind terribly rating my service with all fives?”

Subsidy

Spike was sitting at his desk in his room at Ponyville Castle, admiring his complimentary The Great and Honorable Spike The Brave And Glorious snowglobe that was sent to him from the Crystal Empire. It featured a replica of the giant statue that was erected in his honor by the crystal ponies. The snowglobe never failed to bring a smile to his face. He would have gladly paid to have this keepsake made – but instead, he was receiving royalties on each piece of Crystal Empire merchandise that featured his likeness, thanks to a mutually acceptable licensing deal.

There was a knock at Spike’s door.

“Come on in,” he said, placing the snowglobe on his desk and swiveling his chair around. The door opened and a unicorn royal guard entered.

“You have some visitors, sir,” said the guard. “A trio of fillies who claim to be friends of yours.”

“Sounds like the Cutie Mark Crusaders,” said Spike. “Send them in – and make sure to put them on the VIP guest list from now on if they’re not there already. Those three are welcome here any time.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, and do me a favor, would you? Could you call me Spike from now on? I get that you were trained to address everypony respectfully and all that but this castle is my home and I want everypony to feel comfortable in my home, even security personnel.”

The guard grinned.

“As you wish, Spike,” he said.

“And what’s your name?” asked Spike.

The guard winced.

“I was hoping you wouldn’t ask,” he said.

“Why’s that?” asked Spike.

“Because my initials are D.S. and the D stands for Dragon.”

The dismay in the stallion’s tone caused the wheels in Spike’s head to turn. Once he guessed what the S stood for, Spike’s pupils narrowed.

“Yikes,” he peeped, followed by a gulp. He lifted a finger and pointed it at the guard’s armor-covered flank. “Dooooo I want to see your cutie mar-”

“No,” replied D.S. immediately, cutting off Spike mid-sentence. “No, you don’t. I can pretty much guarantee that.”

“Well, it’s a good thing this isn’t awkward, huh?” Spike chuckled and smiled nervously as he twiddled his fingers. “Please send my guests in...” Spike cleared his throat. “...D.S.”

D.S. nodded. Moments later, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were shown into Spike’s room.

“Hey, guys,” said Spike.

“Howdy, Spike,” said Apple Bloom.

“Whoa...” said an awestruck Scootaloo as she marveled at the furnishings in the room. “Spike, your room is awesome! Everything’s our size!”

“Yeah, pretty cool, huh? I’ve even got my own fully stocked fridge. I mean, it’s a mini-fridge to a pony but I can reach all the shelves inside.” Spike walked to his refrigerator and opened it. “Anypony want an ice cold Crystal Empire sarsaparilla?”

“Ah’ll take one,” said Apple Bloom.

“Same here,” piped Sweetie Belle.

“Sass me,” requested Scootaloo.

Spike removed the caps from three bottles of sarsaparilla, placed a long drinking straw in each of them, and then set the bottles along the outer edge of his coffee table. The Crusaders sat beside the coffee table and began drinking at their leisure.

“Listen, you guys,” said Spike. “I just want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Cheerilee was really special... and she’ll always be remembered fondly by everyone who knew her – including me.” Spike’s comment was met with a trio of gentle smiles.

“Why, thank you, Spike,” said Apple Bloom. “We really appreciate that.”

“Yeah, you’re a real sweetheart,” said Sweetie Belle.

The three fillies approached Spike and hugged him.

“Do you know when her funeral is?” asked Scootaloo.

“Actually, her parents have requested a private service,” said Spike, “so Ponyville’s gonna hold its own memorial service for her. When the mayor’s fully recovered from her injury, a date will be announced. So what brings you to the castle?”

“We were wonderin’ if you could send somethin’ fer us,” said Apple Bloom. She bit down on the scroll sticking out of her saddlebag, pulled it out, and approached Spike.

“Is that a message for Princess Celestia?” asked Spike. Apple Bloom nodded. “Always happy to pass along newly learned lessons in friendship. I just need to censor it first and it’ll be on its way.” He reached out for the scroll but Apple Bloom took a few steps away from him.

“Yyyyyeah, so here’s the thing,” said Apple Bloom, returning the scroll to her saddlebag and avoiding eye contact. “We kinda need this ta go straight ta Princess Celestia... uncensored.”

Spike folded his arms and closed his eyes.

“Sorry, no can do,” he said.

“Aw, c’mon, Spike,” whined Apple Bloom. “Couldn’t ya do this for us this one time? Pleeeease?” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo returned to their sarsaparillas and resumed drinking.

“Listen, I’d love to help you out, really – but having a direct line of communication with the princess is a huge responsibility as well as a privilege. Sending her a message that I haven’t vetted first would be an abuse of that privilege. For all I know, that paper could be an unflattering drawing of Princess Celestia doing something very unregal.”

“Spike, seriously, it’s us,” said Scootaloo. “We’re your friends. Do you really think we’d deliberately do something to sabotage your reputation with the Princess?”

“Well, no,” he replied. “...but the point is that if it contained anything objectionable, I’d be the one in trouble, not you. If you can’t trust me, then we can go find Twilight together and you can let her vet it. If she approves it, I’ll send it. The only problem is that ever since she’s taken over the Filthy Rich trial, she’s been kind of hard to reach, even for her number one assistant.”

“It’s not that we don’t trust ya, Spike,” said Apple Bloom. “We do, honest. It’s just that the fewer ponies and dragons who know about this besides Princess Celestia and the three of us, the better off everpony’ll be; Twilight included.”

“Sorry, girls. You’ll have to send it some other way. Have you tried a pegasus courier?”

“We can’t afford one.”

“What about the postal service?”

“Not a chance,” remarked Sweetie Belle. “Have you seen the mailponies in this town? Our message would get lost before it got even halfway to Canterlot.”

“Looks like you’ll have to save up for a courier then.”

“Spike, ya don’t understand. This needs ta be in Princess Celestia’s hooves right now an’ you’re the only one who can get it there.”

“If I didn’t write it, I read it – and if I don’t get to read it, I don’t send it.”

“What if I could get you a date with Rarity?” asked Sweetie Belle.

Spike folded his arms and rolled his eyes in disgust.

“You’re not gonna change my mind by insulting me, guys,” he said. “I’m fully capable of asking Rarity out myself. We’re the best of friends and I know that she’d make time for me.”

“What if I could guarantee that Rarity would kiss you at the end of that date?” offered Sweetie Belle.

“Still not worth the risk of what could happen if you sent objectionable material. Besides, Rarity’s kissed my cheek before.”

“I meant on the lips.”

“Deal.” Spike blew a flame at the scroll and sent the message on its way to Canterlot. “If a reply comes in, I’ll bring it straight to you – unread.” The Cutie Mark Crusaders high-hoofed to celebrate their success.

“Yer the best, Spike,” said Apple Bloom.

“Yeah,” agreed Sweetie Belle. “And don’t you worry; I’ll come through on that date with Rarity before you know it.”

“You’d better,” warned Spike, “...because if you welsh on me, I’m kissing the three of you instead.” He reached out with open claws and wriggled his digits menacingly. “Mu-hu-ha-ha-haaaaa...” Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle screamed and ran out of Spike’s room. Scootaloo remained where she was and watched her friends depart. Spike looked at the pegasus filly, puzzled by her reaction. “I was only kidding... but I couldn’t help noticing that you didn’t run away in fear like those two.”

“I don’t see why they would,” said Scootaloo, smiling widely. “It’s just a kiss...” She looked around his room once again. “...annnnnd you really have moved up in the world.” She rubbed her left foreleg against her right foreleg as she grinned softly at Spike with bedroom eyes and a noticeable reddish hue on her cheeks.

“I’m guessing you’ve never seen me do this before.” Spike extended his tongue to a distance of four feet and wriggled it.

Scootaloo gasped and recoiled.

“AAAAAAH!!” she yelled as she scurried off to join her friends outside.

Spike snickered for a while, then sighed and slumped his shoulders. He had compromised his ethical dragon code for a chance to lock lips with his heart’s desire.

“Face it, Spike,” he said. “You are one pathetic little dragon.” He stood up straight and brimmed with confidence as a radiant purple light shone from behind him. “...but you’re a pathetic little dragon who’s gonna kiss Rarity!”

Spike turned around and pushed the purple theatrical backdrop back to where it belonged when it wasn’t being used.

“Now I see why Twilight uses this thing so often,” he said. “It’s kinda fun.”

Rainbow Dash flew down to the ground and landed beside Rarity who was seated beside a lamp post. She was looking at the ‘missing’ Pinkie Pie poster she had placed on it.

“Hey, Rare,” said Rainbow Dash. “How’s it coming along?”

“This was my last poster,” said Rarity.

“I finished putting up all of mine, too. Hey, were you bugged by Guilty Rich Movement ponies while you were putting up your posters?”

“Have I? Those uncouth ruffians accosted me six times today. Each time I convinced one group that I truly thought he should receive the maximum sentence, a new batch would come along and ask me the same question. I shudder to think what they would have done had I said that I thought he was innocent.”

“They should be helping us look for Pinkie Pie instead of forming stupid, angry mobs that won’t accomplish a hoofing thing.”

“The royal guards that Twilight said were coming from Canterlot will assist us in our search for Pinkie and they’ll maintain the peace. They’re supposed to arrive tomorrow morning but they cannot get here soon enough for my taste.”

“I sure hope Twilight can stay cool under all that pressure. The Guilty Richers are gonna picket in front of the Ponyville courthouse tomorrow for Filthy Rich’s bail hearing.”

“Did she tell you if she planned on denying him bail?”

“Are you kidding? Twilight’s the most by-the-book pony on the planet. It’s unethical for her to discuss the details of the case with anypony. It’s unethical for me to even ask.”

“She refused to tell you when you asked her, didn’t she?”

“Yep.”

The two friends stared at the photo of Pinkie on the poster.

“She really is quite beautiful, you know,” said Rarity. “Inside and out.”

“No argument here,” said Rainbow Dash. “I might be cool, fast, and brave... but when it comes down to what really counts, she leaves me in the dust; no contest. Don’t tell her I said so.”

“Even with all the sweets she wolfs down, I simply cannot imagine how she has the energy and enthusiasm to do all of the things she does for Ponyville. Planning all those parties... remembering all those birthdays... keeping everypony smiling... I’m certain that I could never keep up with it all the way she does.”

“Me neither.” Rainbow Dash began to chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” asked Rarity.

“Heh heh... I half expect Pinkie to reach out of the poster and give both of us a big hug.”

Rarity giggled.

“Did you know I was just thinking the very same thing?” she asked.

They chuckled for a while and then returned their attention to the poster.

“Hey, Rarity,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Yes?” answered Rarity.

Rainbow Dash sniffled. Rarity looked at her and saw that Rainbow was in tears.

“I... I miss Pinkie so much,” whimpered Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, there, there, darling,” reassured Rarity. “We need to stay strong – for Pinkie’s sake.” She held Rainbow Dash gently and the pegasus buried her face in Rarity’s shoulder.

“I know,” said Rainbow Dash, “but I can’t help it. Ponyville hasn’t been the same without her... and neither have I. She can drive me crazy sometimes but right now, I’d give anything to have her back.”

Rarity grinned. She placed her forehooves on Rainbow’s shoulders and moved her back far enough to look at her face.

“Rainbow,” she said. “Do you know what we are?”

Rainbow Dash considered the question.

“Ponies?” she answered.

Rarity shook her head.

“We’re not ponies?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Blessed, Rainbow Dash.” Rarity paused as she let the weight of her word sink in. “We are blessed. We’re living in a wonderful time in a wonderful place where we’ve seen and done some wonderful things. When Twilight came to Ponyville and we defeated Nightmare Moon on the eve of the Summer Sun Celebration, I felt the magic of friendship for the first time and it’s touched me in a way that I can’t even begin to describe. I know that you felt it, too. You and I, Pinkie, Fluttershy, Applejack, Twilight, Spike – we’re a part of something special, something far greater than the sum of its parts.”

Rarity hugged Rainbow Dash gently.

“And when we learned how we all owed our cutie marks to your sonic rainboom, well... I find it difficult to accept that the events that united us were just a series of coincidences. I believe that our bond is the product of a greater power and that we were brought together for a higher purpose. With all of the wonderful blessings that the six of us have received, I sincerely doubt that it’s the will of this greater power that we lose Pinkie Pie here and now.” Rarity broke the hug. She placed her right forehoof on Rainbow Dash’s left shoulder and shook her affectionately. “...and I have faith that she’ll be brought back to us.”

Rainbow Dash blinked.

“I didn’t know you were a theist,” she observed, raising an eyebrow and tilting her head.

“With all of our good fortune, I’m surprised that you’re not,” said Rarity. “Aren’t you? That is, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“Nah, it’s cool. And no, I’m not. I’m a dyed-in-the-wool Celestial.”

“Princess Celestia may be long-lived but she’d be the first to tell you that she didn’t create Tartarus or Elysium... nor does she take credit for the creation of the universe.”

“I could say something but... I think it’s better that I keep my mouth shut.”

Rarity grinned.

“Feel free to speak your mind, Rainbow Dash,” she said. “I won’t be offended; I promise.”

“Okay. I’ll admit that we’ve had a lot of things go our way... but if we were actually brought together by some greater power that hoofs out blessings, that would mean that it can be be held accountable for denying other ponies those blessings. Like, where was that greater power when the crystal ponies were enslaved by King Sombra? They could’ve used some of the divine intervention that we were given. And how could it allow something like the Windigoes to exist? A lot of ponies froze to death because of those monsters. Seems like a pretty extreme way to get a message of the benefits of tribal unity across when just coming straight out and telling them would have been more effective.”

Rainbow Dash stood on her hind legs and waved her forelegs about to convey paranormal or mystical powers at work.

“The way I see it,” she continued, “if there is some sort of hallowed all-supreme being radiating omnipotence that’s pulling everypony’s strings, even if the six of us have received a ton of blessings, lots of other ponies suffered and died needlessly.” Rainbow returned her forelegs to the ground. “That’s not fair... and if this being has the ability to understand the importance of friendship but doesn’t understand concepts as simple as fairness and mercy the way Princess Celestia does – or even worse: it understands them but still decides to bless only certain ponies – then it had darn well better be able to justify how and why it chooses favorites if it wants my loyalty.”

Rarity nodded slowly with a half grin.

“I must confess that I don’t have the answers you’re seeking, Rainbow,” she said, “but I can understand and respect why you feel the way you do. I suppose you just need to have faith that everything is going to work out in the end.”

“That’s just it, Rare. The fact that I need it... is precisely why I don’t have it. I can’t be satisfied with having blind faith that Pinkie’s still alive and well. I want proof; something that I can hold in my hoof.”

“Helloooooo!” shouted a voice. “Yoo hoooo!”

Rarity and Rainbow Dash turned to look at who had called out for them. It was Mrs. Cake. She was trotting toward them with a smile on her face.

“I’m so lucky to have run into you girls,” said Mrs. Cake. “Earlier today, I had put some strawberry rhubarb pies on my window sill to cool and when I returned, they were gone.”

Rainbow Dash blushed and dug at the ground with her hoof.

“Look, Mrs. C,” she said. “Rarity and I both apologized for taking a bite out of your Marzipan Mascarpone Meringue Madness that one time... but that doesn’t mean we’re gonna eat every baked good that isn’t nailed down.”

“No, you misunderstand me, dearie,” said Mrs. Cake. “I don’t think you took the pies... but I have a pretty good idea who did. Take a look at what I found sitting on the window sill in place of the pies.” She opened her saddlebag. Rainbow Dash reached inside the saddlebag with her forehoof, removed its contents and placed them on the ground.

“A bunch of rubber balls and eye patches?” asked Rarity. “I’m afraid I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I,” noted Rainbow Dash. “This makes no sense.”

Rarity and Rainbow Dash’s gasped. They smiled and looked at one another.

“Pinkie Pie!” they said as they hugged Mrs. Cake and squealed.

“Thank you so much for bringing this to our attention, Mrs. Cake,” said Rarity.

“You’re welcome, hun,” said Mrs. Cake, smiling over having lifted their spirits. “Good luck in your search.” Rarity and Rainbow Dash waved goodbye to Mrs. Cake as she turned around and headed back to Sugarcube Corner.

“Well,” said Rarity. “We can conclude that Pinkie is alive and hungry... and has a bizarre understanding of the barter system... but doesn’t want to show herself because of that death knell Pinkie sense.”

“Then we need to find her and convince her that it’s not that big a deal so that she can come back home,” declared Rainbow Dash.

“I concur.”

The mares hoofbumped for good luck.

“Wow, is this great or what?” asked Rainbow Dash rhetorically. “I asked for solid proof that Pinkie was okay... and seconds later, I got it. It’s a... a...”

“A miracle?” suggested Rarity.

“Yeah! A mira-”

Rainbow Dash held her tongue and glared at Rarity. The unicorn grinned smugly as she hummed a tune and trotted away.

“If you’ll excuse me, I must return to my shop,” said Rarity. “But do be a dear and tell Twilight the good news, would you?”

“Sure. Later.”

Rainbow Dash gained some altitude before heading north to the courthouse. She hovered in the air for a moment and bit her lip.

“You’re not off the hook, you know,” said Rainbow Dash adamantly as she gazed upward. “Not by a long shot. But... if you really are up there, then...” She smiled warmly. “...thank you.”

“You’re welcome, Rainbow Dash,” said a voice from above her.

Rainbow Dash gasped. Her heart nearly stopped – until she recognized the voice. Her face quickly grew red as she boiled over with anger and embarrassment.

“Nnnnnrrrg... DERPYYYY!!!” screamed Rainbow Dash.

Hearing her name called out, the gray pegasus mare peered out from the cloud above Rainbow Dash and smiled down at her.

Silver Spoon’s private stagecoach pulled up in front of the Ponyville police station. The chauffeur stepped off the seat, walked beside the carriage, and opened the door for his charge. The gray earth pony filly held onto her glasses and hopped out.

“Are you sure you don’t need me to accompany you, Silver Spoon?” asked the chauffeur.

“I’m sure, Bentley,” replied Silver Spoon. “It’s a police station. If I’m not safe here, I doubt I’d be safe anywhere.” Bentley nodded.

Silver Spoon entered the police station and saw Mayor Mare down the hall having a conversation with a police officer. She approached them and the mayor excused herself when she noticed that her guest had arrived. The officer went on his way, leaving the ladies to their business.

“Hello, Silver Spoon,” said Mayor Mare.

“Hello, Miss Mayor,” said Silver Spoon. She stepped closer to the mayor and nuzzled her chest. “I’m so sorry about what happened to Miss Cheerilee.”

“Oh, thank you, dear,” she said, returning the nuzzle.

“Are you doing okay?”

“Physically, I'll recover. Emotionally, I don't know... but I’m holding it together the best that I can. I’ve got so much on my plate at the moment that I simply don’t have the time to break down in earnest.”

“I might just be a kid but if you ever need somepony to talk to, my door is always open.”

“That’s very sweet of you. I’ll keep your offer in mind.”

Silver Spoon broke the nuzzle, took a few steps back, and looked up at the mayor.

“So what did you want to see me about?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Some officers picked up a few stallions for public drunkenness the other night,” said the mayor. “It’s an offense which we usually let perpetrators sleep off but I happened to be here when they were brought in... and I had them detained a little longer. You wouldn’t recognize their faces... but I do.”

Silver Spoon’s stomach turned as she understood what Mayor Mare meant.

“Are they the stallions who...?”

The mayor nodded.

“The same,” she replied. “Ponyville is a small town. I called you here so that you could press charges against them.”

Silver Spoon looked away. Her molesters were in the same building as she was. They were a few signed pieces of paper away from a trial and – once they were found guilty – a surgical castration.

“I want to see them,” she declared. “I want to talk to them.”

Mayor Mare’s face showed concern over this request.

“You don’t have to do that in order to press charges,” she said.

“I know,” said Silver Spoon.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Silver Spoon sighed.

“When I’m a full grown mare,” she said, “the one thing I will, like, never miss about foalhood is being asked that question. Yes, I’m sure.”

“All right,” said Mayor Mare. “Just wait here. I’ll need some time to have the officers restrain them and have them gathered in a room for us.”

Silver Spoon pushed her glasses high up on her face as she waited for the police officer to open the heavy door in front of her. As it swung open, she walked through it along with Mayor Mare who was right by her side. The room was brightly lit and slightly chilly. Six police officers were positioned in various spots around the unfurnished room; one in each corner, one by the door, and one behind the prisoners.

The five stallions stood in the center of the room. Each stallion’s ankle was outfitted with a large iron safety weight cuffed to it. All but one of the stallions kept neutral expressions on their faces. The youngest of the bunch appeared to be wracked with worry but still faced forward as his friends were doing.

Silver Spoon frowned at the wretches that stood before her. Now that she could see them clearly, she almost wanted to take her glasses off to blur them. Their unshaven whiskers and ungroomed manes made her all the more grateful that there were stallions like The Doctor who were gentlecolts in both appearance and manners. She knew that she was safe with Mayor Mare and the police officers present but she trembled with fear all the same. She could hear her breath whistling through her nostrils and her heart was performing its best bongo drum solo in her chest.

“Do you guys know what I was trying to do when I came to you begging for your help?” she asked. “The pony I care about more than anypony in the world was being abused. If it wasn’t for Mayor Mare showing up when she did, that pony might have been seriously hurt or even killed. You could have come with me and saved my friend. You had a chance to become heroes. But instead, you...”

Silver Spoon’s voice cracked as it trailed off. She started to cry, remembering how helpless and frightened she felt during her assault. It nauseated her that there were stallions in this world who could do what these louts did to her and not apologize for it. They looked as though they really didn’t care how they had treated her. The thought of running out of the room came to mind but she didn’t arrange to have her assailants gathered here so that she could show them her cowardice.

“I didn’t have a second to waste at the time,” she whimpered, “but now I’ve got all day. So here!” She spun around and presented her backside to the stallions. “Go ahead. Touch me. Get a good feel.”

The stallions declined to take Silver Spoon up on her offer.

“GO ON!!” she screamed. “What’s wrong? Am I no good for a laugh now that I’m not half blind?” She stood up straight and paced back and forth in front of them, leering at them as she lectured them further. “Don’t any of you have mothers or sisters or daughters? How would it make you feel if some stallions ganged up on one of them and took advantage of their impaired vision or smaller size? What the Tartarus happened in your lives that brought you to where you’d grope a filly for fun? Did you do it because my parents have money? Was there any reason at all for doing what you did? No? Not even a bad one?”

The stallions didn’t answer any of her questions.

Silver Spoon allowed herself some time to calm down.

“You know what upsets me the most?” she asked. “Knowing that you planted a seed of hatred inside of me,” she continued. “I’m disgusted to know that that ugly, hollow emotion is inside of me. It eats at you and it’s hard to get rid of... but what’s worse is that it gets to where you actually want to hold onto it. When I look at you, I’m like so mad that I want to bite your faces off! But I know that that’s not what I really want to do. That’s what the hatred is telling me to do. A lot of ponies in Ponyville are going crazy with hatred right now. They’re crying out for the blood of one of the nicest stallions I’ve ever known... and I feel like I’m partly responsible for that.”

She paused and closed her eyes. She did some calculated breathing since her earlier attempt to calm down didn’t get her the results she wanted.

“Forgiveness... has got... to start... somewhere,” she stated. “And if it’s got to start with me, then so be it. You guys made me a victim once... but the hatred inside me is the only thing that’s keeping me a victim. Lay down; all of you.” The stallions looked at one another and complied with what seemed to them like a harmless order. “A filly once told me that hugs have the power to heal... and I believe it’s true. My hatred makes me want to see you suffer but I don’t want to give in to it because if I do, I’ll give in to it every time. So instead, I’ll do the opposite. My mercy makes me want to see you healed. I think that if I heal you... I might be able to heal myself at the same time.”

Silver Spoon approached the first stallion on the left and hugged his neck.

“I forgive you,” she said.

The police officers were about to step in and put a stop to this contact but Mayor Mare raised a foreleg and they halted. Nopony was in danger of being harmed.

When Silver Spoon had finished giving each of them a hug and an absolution, she stood in front of them again.

“Don’t waste the mercy I’ve shown you,” she said. “Become something better than what you are.” She looked back at the mayor. “Mayor Mare, thanks for calling me out here today but I won’t be pressing charges.” Upon hearing that, the youngest of the stallions was heard crying, presumably out of gratitude.

Mayor Mare nodded and approached the stallions.

“By the grace of this young mare, you’ll be released momentarily, gentlecolts,” said Mayor Mare. “But the superintendent will let me know if he has to lock any of you up again for any reason. My advice? Don’t let that happen.”

Mayor Mare and Silver Spoon left the room. The door slammed shut behind them and they walked to the exit together.

“I can’t believe what you did back there,” said Mayor Mare. “I don’t think there’s another filly or mare in all of Equestria who would have done what you just did for them.”

“I had to do it,” said Silver Spoon. “I’m not giving hatred any more power over me.”

“Do you feel better?”

Silver Spoon considered the question and she smiled brazenly.

“Yeah, I do,” she said. She switched from walking down the hall to bouncing down the hall. “I feel light and energetic; like I’m on fire. I can only hope that those guys can feel the same way some day.”

“Good idea.”

Silver Spoon’s left ear twitched. She stopped bouncing and started to walk normally. She looked to her left. She then looked at the mayor who was on her right.

“What’s a good idea, Miss Mayor?” she asked.

“Hm?” asked the mayor.

“Didn’t you just say ‘good idea’ just now?”

Mayor Mare shook her head.

“I didn’t say anything,” she declared.

Silver Spoon looked back at the officers she had passed. They were all stallions. The voice she heard sounded like it belonged to a filly and she could have sworn that it came from her left.

The five stallions, minus their safety weights, walked toward the edge of the Everfree Forest. The youngest of the group was still sniffling.

“We ain’t in police custody anymore, Zeke,” said one of the older stallions. “You can stop cryin’ like a Celestia damned baby now.”

“Don’t you guys get what that little girl did fer us?” asked Zeke. “We were rutted! She had us dead ta rights! She coulda pressed charges an’ we woulda been castrated! But she let us go.”

“So we lucked out. Give it a rest, already.”

“Ah’m ashamed o’ what ah did ta her. It was stupid. And ah’m grateful ta her fer what she did fer me. Ah’m gonna do what she said an’ make somethin’ better o’ myself with the freedom she gave me.”

“Like what? Become a ballerina?”

“Ah don’t know. Maybe ah’ll go back ta trade school or something. But what ah do know is that ah’m through getting drunk an’ doin’ stupid manure with y’all. Do whatever y’all want – ah’m outta here.”

Zeke ran toward town, leaving his associates behind.

“He’s seen the light!” said one of the stallions sarcastically. “Praise Celestia!”

“Who needs ‘im, anyway? Ruttin’ colt-cuddler.”

“Heh, didja see how that little girl went all drama llama on us and told us ta touch her plot? Shoot, if we were in the forest, ah’d’ve stuck more than hatred inside o’ her, ah tell you what.”

The stallions laughed.

“‘Ah can heal you with a hug’,” mimicked one of the others. “She shoulda hugged mah wang with her lips. That’d heal me up right quick.”

The stallions laughed again.

“Hey, check this out!”

The stallions converged on a sign that read FREE HARD CIDER with an arrow that pointed to a nearby cave. They approached the cave and found five loose bottles of high quality hard cider on the ground. One of the stallions picked up a bottle, cracked it open, and sniffed it.

“Is it booze?” asked another stallion.

“Well, it ain’t piss.” He took a swig from the bottle and licked his lips. “Oh, that’s some good manure, y’all.” The others picked up a bottle, opened it, and drank.

“Now don’t that beat all? Who do ya reckon left all this hooch lyin’ around?”

“Who the rut cares who put it here? It’s ours now.”

“Guys! Look!”

Torches set up around the walls of the cave illuminated the area. Set up within the cave was a long table full of brand new bottles of hard cider. The four stallions smiled, looked at one another, and then quickly trotted inside the cave to the cider table.

Suddenly, the ground underneath them collapsed.

The stallions, along with the table of cider, fell about twenty feet into a pit that had been concealed by a false floor. All of the bottles shattered, spilling alcohol everywhere. The stallions moaned and bellowed out in pain. They had been badly injured by the fall as well as the broken glass. One of the stallions looked up and saw something at the top of the pit. A pink-coated filly wearing a cloak and holding a lit torch in her mouth stood on the edge and looked down at the mess below.

“Hey, kid,” groaned the stallion. “Go call some grownups. Our legs are broken. We need help... and fast.”

“Hello, gentlecolts,” said the cloaked filly through her clenched teeth. “I have some good news... and I have some bad news.”

“Rut your news, ya little bitch!” yelled one of the other injured stallions. “We’re gonna ruttin’ bleed ta death if ya don’t get us help right now!”

“We play by my rules or we don’t play at all. Do you understand?”

“Okay, okay... ow. We’ll play with ya.”

“And I wouldn’t dream of letting you bleed to death so don’t worry about that.”

“Thanks. What’s the good news?”

“The good news is that drinks are on the house.”

“Well, that’s really cute. And what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news... is that the roof...” The filly scowled at the stallion. “...is on fire.”

The filly opened her mouth all the way, allowing her torch to fall into the highly flammable pit.

“Her Royal Highness, Princess Luna,” announced a Canterlot royal guard.

Princess Luna stepped forward and walked toward her sister’s throne. Another day had come to an end and it was nearly time for Luna to raise the moon.

“Greetings, sister,” said Luna.

“Greetings, Luna,” said Celestia. “Guards, leave us be for a while. I’d like some privacy.” The guards nodded and departed the throneroom, closing the door behind them. “Luna, have you by any chance visited the dreams of a earth pony filly named Silver Spoon recently?”

“Why, yes. I met her just last night.”

“As in for the first time?”

“Yes. Why do you ask?”

“I was informed by Princess Twilight yesterday afternoon that Silver Spoon was inquiring about ambrosia blossoms, of all things.”

“But how could that be?”

“That is what I’d like to know. Twilight said that Silver Spoon had heard about them in a dream. And as dreams are more your province than mine, I thought that you might be able to shed a little light on this mystery.”

“Well, I certainly never told her about the ambrosia blossoms.”

“No, you couldn’t have if you had never spoken to her before last night.”

“Not to mention that I don’t want to share the blossoms any more than you do.”

Celestia nodded.

“Our subjects get by on the crops that its farmers grow,” she said, turning her nose up. “Starvation has not touched our land for millenia so what’s one less edible species of flower for the general public?”

“Precisely.” Luna turned her nose up.

“Assuming that they can even grow in Equestrian soil, introducing ambrosia blossoms would have a tremendous economic and societal impact that would upset the status quo – and I like the status quo.”

Luna abandoned her haughtiness and brought her nose back down.

“You never did tell me if you believed the zebras,” she said.

Celestia brought her nose back down.

“I gave them the benefit of the doubt,” she said. “It was the diplomatic thing to do. A non-zebra filly living alone in the Everfree Forest is implausible enough... but to claim that the lone blossom we gave them for researching its alchemical properties was stolen by her? And that she flew without wings? It’s a bit much to swallow... but since they never questioned why we never brought them a second blossom, I’m fairly certain that they knew what I thought of their excuse.”

“Have you ever asked Zecora about it?”

“It happened generations before she was born. I don’t see the need to dig up the past. At any rate, if you hadn’t met Silver Spoon before last night, then there’s no need to discuss the matter any further. It was a simple case of a foal’s imaginative young mind striking upon their name by chance.”

Luna licked her lips.

“It has been a while since we’ve had some blossoms,” she noted. “And they must be in full bloom again by now.” She gave her sister a toothy, wistful smile.

“That’s true,” stated Celestia. “But I think I’ll invite Twilight to come with us on our next trip to the fields.”

Luna rolled her eyes.

“Wonderful,” she groaned. “My half just became a third – again.”

Celestia smirked.

“I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky that Cadance is unable to join us for any future blossom runs due to... marital obligations,” she said, grinning and rolling her eyes.

Luna smirked.

“Heh, the poor dear would have to tell her husband where she was going first,” she said.

Luna and Celestia made horsewhip sound effects with their mouths and laughed.

A dancing green mist entered the castle and approached Celestia. The ashes within them immediately reintegrated and presented itself before the princess as a fresh letter.

“Ah!” squeaked Celestia as she closed her eyes and cowered. She opened her eyes, shook her head, and looked at her sister. “I’ll let you in on a little secret, Luna.” She sat up straight and telekinetically removed the letter’s seal. “Every so often, these magical letters I receive from Spike outright startle the manure out of me when they materialize.” As she opened the letter and began to read it, Luna came closer and peered over her sister’s shoulder. Celestia pulled the letter away and folded it in half. She glared at Luna, apparently offended by this invasion of privacy.

Luna turned away and pouted, wounded by her sister’s rejection.

Celestia grinned.

“I’m only kidding,” she said. She threw a foreleg over Luna’s far shoulder, drew her close, and cheek nuzzled her. Luna grinned, returning the nuzzle. Celestia reopened the letter and read it alongside her sister.

As they finished reading the letter, the alicorns looked at one another and smiled.

“Luna, it would seem that we have some crabgrass growing in our tulip garden,” said Celestia. “Would you like to help me mulch?”

“I’d be delighted, Tia,” replied Luna. “I’ve been meaning to pay this Diamond Tiara a visit. What a stroke of luck that she should visit us here instead.”

“Could you please send the guards back in for me? And please send Raven in as well.”

Luna nodded and fetched the ponies her sister requested.

“You wanted to see me, Your Highness?” asked Raven, Celestia’s loyal attaché.

“Yes, Raven,” said Celestia. “I want all of my appointments canceled for tomorrow. Tell everypony that they’ll need to reschedule for some other day.”

“Yes, Your Highness.” Raven ran off to carry out Celestia’s orders.

“Lieutenant,” said Celestia.

“Yes, Your Highness,” said the lieutenant.

“I want you to bring some ponies before me tomorrow afternoon. Use two separate chariots when you fetch them.” Celestia levitated a quill and quickly jotted down a few words on a piece of parchment. “Here are their names.”

The guard looked at the paper.

“Understood, Your Highness,” said the lieutenant.

“Also, in the royal storage unit you’ll find a black wooden chest,” said Celestia. She picked up a fresh piece of parchment and began writing quickly. “It’s the only one of its kind; you can’t miss it. I’d like that chest brought to the throne room tomorrow afternoon before my second guest arrives.” The lieutenant nodded.

Luna gasped.

“Sister, I know the box of which you speak,” she said. “Don’t tell me you mean to-”

“I do,” said Celestia.

Luna grimaced.

“But do you really think Diamond Tiara deserves – that?” she asked. “It’s a bit much.”

Celestia said nothing. She simply grinned and kept her eyes glued to the reply she was writing.

Luna shook her head disapprovingly as she departed the castle through the east window to raise the moon.

Diamond Tiara’s dress sparkled in the light of the noonday sun as she paced back and forth in front of her stoop. She was anxiously awaiting the arrival of her family stagecoach which would be carrying her father through the mansion’s security gates at any moment. When the news broke earlier this morning that Princess Twilight Sparkle had granted her father bail, she decided that she would greet him in a stunning ensemble to celebrate his return.

Her dress was a festive cherry red with big puffy shoulders, sequins aplenty, and a wide neckline to show off the diamond choker around her neck. Her foreshoes had a red glitter coating and a fabric rose on the front. Last but not least, her ever-present tiara adorned her head.

The security gates swung open and giddiness swelled inside Diamond Tiara as she saw the stagecoach coming up the mansion’s cul-de-sac and stopped at the walkway to the entrance. The chauffeur hopped down from the stagecoach and opened the carriage door. The still-harnessed Diamond Tiara was itching to jump up and down but she settled for a few foreleg hops. At long last, her father stepped out of the carriage and he smiled widely when he saw her.

“Daddy!” squealed Diamond Tiara as she ran to her father.

“Heyyyyy!” beamed Filthy Rich. “Who let this little beauty queen onto my property?” He reached out and hugged his daughter tightly, lifting and holding her in his forelegs as he stood on his hind legs. Tears of joy ran down Diamond Tiara’s cheeks.

“Welcome back, Daddy,” she sobbed. “I’m so happy to have you back home where you belong.”

“I’m happy to be back,” replied Filthy Rich. He kissed Diamond Tiara on the forehead. “I wish I was back for good but this is the best that I can do for now.”

There was a commotion heard from the security gates. Filthy Rich set Diamond Tiara back on her hooves and wheels and they observed the ruckus from a distance.

“What’s going on over there?” asked Diamond Tiara, raising an eyebrow.

“Just some protesters standing out front who are less than happy about my bail,” said Filthy Rich. “But don’t worry. There are ten royal guards out there patrolling the perimeter of the mansion and ten more guarding the airspace above it. The only ponies getting in here are the ones who belong here... but let’s go inside where we can talk in private.”

As they walked to the front door, Diamond Tiara turned and blew a raspberry in the direction of the protesters, riling them up further.

The servants of the household greeted Filthy Rich with a bow as he and Diamond Tiara walked to the living room. When they reached their destination, Filthy Rich took a seat on the sofa.

“Come sit next to me, sweetheart,” he said.

“Sure, Dad,” said Diamond Tiara. She climbed onto the couch and lay her lower body on its side so as not to soil the sofa with the harness wheels.

“There’s an old expression: money doesn’t grow on trees. I was lucky to have been granted bail in the first place but I was even luckier that I could afford to pay it. Five billion bits isn’t pocket change but it was worth parting with so that I could be with my precious princess again.” The sentiment made Diamond Tiara smile. “I had to liquidate a number of assets in order to post the bail and still keep my Barnyard Bargains locations operational. One of those assets was the Ponyville Express. I was offered a large sum of money for it and I would have been a fool not to sell it. However, now that it’s no longer mine, the reporters can once again feature news stories about us. With that restriction lifted, they’ll sell more papers now than when I owned it.”

“Who cares what they write about us? We know the truth and that’s all that matters.”

“There’s another old expression: you have to spend money in order to make money. Sometimes I give some of it away to ponies who need it more than we do.”

“WHAT? What did the broke deadbeat ponies of Equestria do to deserve the money that you work so hard to earn?”

“Charities do a lot of important work for ponies less fortunate than ourselves. They rely on donations from those who can afford to have less – like us. Doing things to improve our image in the eyes of the public is very important to the success of Barnyard Bargains.”

“Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I see. Giving away a little money to charity makes Barnyard Bargains a more attractive place for ponies to shop which gets us a lot of money. You’re sooooo smart, Daddy.”

“Thank you, darling. What I’m getting at is that our recent run-ins with the law have attracted a lot of negative attention. Ponies aren’t too thrilled about what happened. In light of what we’ve done, do you think that customers are going to want to shop at Barnyard Bargains more – or less?”

“Less... but what happened to Twist and Miss Cheerilee has nothing to do with the quality of your merchandise. I guess they’re not smart enough to make that distinction but you only need their money, not their approval.”

“That’s where you’re wrong, sweetheart.”

Diamond Tiara flinched.

“How?”

“I still have competition. Ponies can buy the things they need somewhere other than Barnyard Bargains. Now that the public is upset at me over what I’ve done, they’ll take their business elsewhere. In order to minimize the damage to my store’s reputation, it’s essential that the public knows that you and I are contrite. We didn’t plan the unfortunate incidents that have happened and we need to show them that we have some respect for the deceased. To do that, I believe that we have to make some small sacrifices; starting with an easy one... from you.”

“Me? What do you want me to sacrifice?”

Rich’s eyes shot up toward his daughter’s tiara and then back to her eyes.

“You want my...?” started Diamond Tiara with a look of shock that quickly gave way to a bout of laughter. “Pfft! Ha ha ha ha! Oh, Daddy. You had me going for a minute there! I thought you were being serious! Ha ha ha ha... ahhhh.”

The absence of Filthy Rich’s laughter indicated to Diamond Tiara that he was quite serious.

“Dad, come on," she said, balking at the idea. "I can’t give this up. It’s my namesake.”

“You were given your name before you won that. You’ll still have that name after you give it to me. The tiara will be kept in our safe until it’s appropriate to be seen wearing something luxurious.”

“But Daaaaaaaad, I can’t be seen without this on! Everypony will laugh at me!”

”I’m sorry, Diamond Tiara, but this is for the best.”

“How is being laughed at for the best? Couldn’t you just ground me instead? Nopony else would have to know about that.”

“Neither would anypony on the street. This isn’t to punish you. This is to save you.” Filthy Rich held out his hoof. “Now be a good girl and hoof me your tiara.”

Diamond Tiara began to worry. Ordinarily, her father would have given in to her protests by now.

“Y-You don’t understand what my tiara means to me!” she stated. “It defines me!”

“I understand better than you think I do. Now please hoof it over.”

Diamond Tiara pouted and her eyes grew glossy with tears.

“But it’s mine!” she whined.

“It’s still yours, darling. We’re just going to put it away for a while. Don’t you understand?”

Diamond Tiara climbed off the sofa and looked her father in the eye. If pleading and bargaining wasn’t working, she was simply going to stand her ground.

“Here’s what I understand, Daddy,” she said. “Everything else that I have was bought for me by you...” She pointed to her tiara with her right forehoof. “...except for this. This is the only thing I’ve earned all by myself. It’s symbolic!” Filthy Rich rolled his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “You’re my dad and I love you but you’re gonna have to think of something else for me to sacrifice because I am not giving this to you or anypony.”

Filthy Rich sighed.

“Fine,” he said. “You don’t have to give me your tiara. You can do something else for me instead.”

Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and grinned.

“Good,” she said. “So what can I do for you instead?”

Filthy Rich leaned to his right and reached for the fireplace poker beside the sofa. He stood up and casually slid the poker through both of Diamond Tiara’s wheel spokes in one swift motion.

“You can stand still while I take it off your head,” he said.

Diamond Tiara gasped. She had been tricked – and immobilized.

While Diamond Tiara was still reeling in shock from his treachery, Filthy Rich reached down, bit the tiara, and removed it from her head. Diamond Tiara quickly reached up, bit down on the other end of the tiara, and held on for dear life. Filthy Rich had a massive leverage and strength advantage over his daughter and, as he slowly lifted his head, the tiara began to straighten.

“Stooooop!” cried Diamond Tiara through clenched teeth. “You’re going to break it!”

“It won’t break if you just let go,” noted Filthy Rich.

“You let go!” she bawled.

As he continued to slowly lift his head, Diamond Tiara’s forelegs were lifted off the ground. Diamond Tiara did not want to warp or break her tiara but she refused to relinquish her hold on it. It was structurally incapable of supporting a filly’s weight and permanent damage was imminent. There was nothing she could do to stop her father – physically.

Desperate to save her precious accessory, she did the first thing she could think of to put an end to this struggle.

“R... RAAAPE!” she screamed. “HELLLP! RAAAAAPE!”

Filthy Rich released the tiara and his daughter’s forelegs dropped back onto the carpet. The tiara was back in the possession of its rightful owner – but at a cost greater than she should have been willing to pay. Diamond Tiara felt sick to her stomach almost immediately after her stunt. Her eyes darted about, not fixing on any one thing for more than a split second. She wasn’t actively searching for anything other than an explanation she could offer to her father as to what could have possessed her to have employed such an underhooved tactic. Her lips moved as if she was about to say something but nothing came out. She hung her head and made sure to avoid eye contact with him. She could only imagine the anger and disappointment present in his face.

Randolph came running into the room, skidding to a halt a yard away from Diamond Tiara and Filthy Rich.

“Are you all right, Mistress?” asked Randolph. The serious look on his face suggested that he believed Diamond Tiara’s cry for help was legitimate. Hanging her tiara on the neckline of her dress, Diamond Tiara turned around and looked at the elderly servant.

“Y-Yeah, I was just testing your response time, Randolph,” she said, smiling blankly. “You’re slowing down in your old age. It might be time for you to invest in some roller skates.”

The butler looked at Filthy Rich and then looked back at Diamond Tiara.

“Are you sure you’re all right?” asked Randolph.

“Of course I’m sure!” growled Diamond Tiara. “Do you really think that my own father would try to rape me? Now get out of here and go... polish something; I dunno.”

Three of the mansion’s maids ran into the room. Randolph waved them off and they halted.

“It’s all right,” said Randolph softly. “She was only kidding.”

“Are you sure?” asked one of the maids.

“Let’s go,” he said. The maids looked back at Filthy Rich suspiciously as they reluctantly left their employer.

Diamond Tiara watched as the servants left the room to return to their duties. As the uncomfortable feeling of guilt burned in her gut, she hung her head once more and her ears drooped.

“Oh, Daddy,” said Diamond Tiara in a hushed tone. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say that, honestly. I... I don’t know what came over me. I just...”

Her ears perked up as she heard a door slam shut. She lifted her head and looked back at her father to find that he had quickly stepped into the guest bedroom and closed the door. Diamond Tiara attempted to run to the guest bedroom but her wheels dragged due to the poker in her spokes. She reached back, removed the poker, and ran to the door. She placed her ear against it and heard her father sniffling and sobbing. Grimacing, she tried to open the door. It was locked. She knocked on it with great urgency.

“Daddy? Daddy, please open the door,” she requested. “Daddy, I’m sorry. Please don’t cry. Please let me in so I can apologize. I never meant to say something so mean and stupid. I love you so much.” She removed her tiara from her dress, held it in her right forehoof and tapped it against the door. “Here, you can have my tiara. Daddy? Come on, please open the door.”

The door did not open. The longer her father ignored her request, the more frantically she knocked and begged.

“Daddy!” she yelled. “Please take my tiara! Please let me in! I love you! I’m sorry I hurt you! PLEASE FORGIVE ME!”

She thought about how these might be her father’s last few days as a free stallion and how she’d remember costing herself a moment with him due to this nonsense when he was banished or executed. Tears flowed freely from her eyes as her desperation grew. She struck the door so violently that chips of paint flew off of it and landed in her mane.

“I’LL ACCEPT ANY PUNISHMENT YOU WANT TO GIVE ME!” she declared. “SEND ME TO BED WITHOUT SUPPER! SPANK ME! BEAT ME UP IF YOU WANT BUT PLEASE OPEN THE DO-HO-HOOR!!” Her mouth hung open in grief as her pleas fell on deaf ears. She inhaled deeply to power her next words. “I’M SORRYYYYYY!!” She pounded on the door again. “DADDEEEEEE-HEE-HEEEEEE!!”

Enraged, Diamond Tiara tossed her tiara onto the carpet and ran to the back of the house, bawling all the way. She made her way to the backyard where her mother’s old peach tree still stood. Diamond Tiara called it her effigy tree. Whenever she grew frustrated, she’d buck the tree until she couldn’t feel her hind legs. Her harness didn’t allow her to use her hind legs so she struck the tree repeatedly with her right forehoof, grunting with each blow. Pieces of chipped bark landed in her mane and on her dress.

She set her right foreleg back on the ground and caught her breath. She sniffled as grief over her actions brought her to tears once again. She reared her head back and butted the tree with her forehead. The collision didn’t feel very nice and she decided not to do it again. She leaned her head against the tree and cried as softly as she could.

She had pushed away Silver Spoon when she was only trying to help.

She had foolishly estranged herself from her father who was going to pay for a crime he never would have committed had she not been so terrible to her teacher.

The filly who could have anything she wanted now had none of the things she needed.

“Are you Diamond Tiara?” asked somepony to her left. She turned and saw a pair of royal pegasus guards standing before her.

Diamond Tiara sniffled and wiped her nose and eyes with her foreleg. She scowled at the guards as she marched over to them.

“You’re trespassing on private property!” shouted Diamond Tiara. “Get the rut out of here or I’ll have you arrested!”

“We’re here on royal business, Miss Tiara,” said the second guard. “Your presence has been requested by Her Majesty, Princess Celestia. We have orders to escort you to Canterlot Castle immediately.”

Diamond Tiara was stunned.

“Seriously?” she asked. “What would Princess Celestia want with me?”

“We don’t ask questions, miss,” said the first guard. “We follow orders.”

Diamond Tiara looked back at the mansion. Her father had already made it clear that he was in no mood to speak to her. Whatever Princess Celestia had in store for her in Canterlot couldn’t be worse than staying home.

“Okay,” she said. “I’ll go with you.” She followed the pegasi to their chariot and climbed aboard it. “Just have me back here in time for dinner, okay? I’m in enough trouble as it is without having to break curfew.”

“That is entirely up to the princess,” said one of the pegasi guards as he hooked himself up to the chariot’s tack.

Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow.

“What; is she going to throw me in a dungeon or something?” she asked with a smirk.

The guards took flight with the chariot in tow.

“That is also entirely up to the princess,” replied the same pegasus.

Diamond Tiara didn’t like that answer the second time around any more than she did the first.

She’s so tall, thought Diamond Tiara as she saw Princess Celestia stand at her full stately height and walk down the steps from her dais to the floor of the throne room.

Diamond Tiara had told herself that she would play it cool during her meeting with the princess but their difference in height had intimidated her almost immediately and she found herself trembling as she maintained her bow before Celestia. She looked to her right and saw Princess Luna, a rare pony to spot in the middle of the day. The moon princess wasn’t as tall as her elder sister but as this was the pony who was once the legendary Nightmare Moon, she brought a different kind of intimidation to the table. Still, if it turned out that she needed to use the ace up her sleeve, having Princess Luna present actually worked in her favor.

“Miss Diamond Tiara, Your Highnesses,” announced the lieutenant.

Diamond Tiara stood up after her name was called out, as was the protocol in Canterlot Castle.

“Thank you,” said Celestia. “Here are your new orders, lieutenant. I want the castle evacuated immediately; guards, servants, everypony. I want nopony else within these walls save for those in this room – and I want this evacuation executed with the urgency of a fire alarm. Your soldiers may patrol the grounds in the meantime. Furthermore, nopony is to re-enter the castle until you hear me personally call out to you from that window.” She pointed to an open window on the east wall of the throne room. “Should you happen to hear any other sounds coming from the throne room, such as screaming or crying, you are to ignore them.”

Screaming or crying? wondered Diamond Tiara.

“Do I make myself clear, lieutentant?” asked Celestia.

“Yes, Your Highness,” replied the lieutenant. “The evacuation will take approximately five minutes to carry out.”

“That’s perfect,” said Celestia.

“We’ll sound a horn from the drawbridge when the castle has been successfully evacuated.”

“Very well, lieutenant. You may proceed.”

The guards left the throne room hurriedly to carry out their orders in a timely manner.

“I appreciate your patience, Diamond Tiara,” said Celestia. “We’ll start our conversation when the horn is blown.”

“Oh,” said Diamond Tiara. “Okay, Your Highness.”

Celestia returned to her throne and sat. Luna flew to the dais and sat beside her sister. She yawned and examined her hoof.

“Take a look at this,” said Celestia. She levitated a magazine from behind her throne’s seat cushion. It was the all-princess issue of SubPlot. Luna levitated the magazine, brought it to her face, and leafed through it briefly. Her face told the tale of a mare repulsed by what she saw.

“Where on earth did you get this?” she asked.

“From somepony in town,” replied Celestia.

“Why do you still have it?”

“I’m not sure. I suppose it’s because I find it amusing.”

“Hm.”

“Do you not find it amusing?”

“Not especially. I’d rather be respected than drooled over.”

“I’m okay with both.”

“Let’s see how okay you are with both when some stallion runs up and tries something fresh with you.”

“Has a stallion ever done that to you before?”

“No... but I imagine that it’s likelier to happen now that obscene images of some ponies posing as us have been published.”

“That’s a load of bananas, Luna. No photograph has the power to make a stallion commit a crime that he wouldn’t normally be inclined to commit; not even a photograph of mares resembling us.”

“I disagree... and that load of bananas happens to be my opinion, dear sister.”

“On what do you base that opinion? Paranoia? Jealousy?” She smirked. “Wishful thinking?”

Luna rolled her eyes.

“You are the living end, Celestia,” she declared.

“Sex crimes are extremely rare now,” stated Celestia, “but from what I recall, not one stallion has ever blamed his loss of self-control on art.”

“Art? You call this art?”

“Did I call photography art? Whatever was I thinking?”

“There’s respectable photography – which is art – and then there’s this garbage... which isn’t.”

“So is art only art as long as it pleases you?”

“Taking photographs of mares in shameful positions meant to stimulate stallions hardly takes talent. An artistic endeavor must meet some minimum standard of talent if I am to embrace it as art.”

“You have even less objectivity than Twilight. She was so offended by this that she’s considering taking the publisher down.”

“I applaud her standpoint. A pity that parody is protected by law.”

“I reminded her of that fact but I fear that she means to employ illegal means, if necessary.”

“And what does art mean to you, sister? How would you define it?”

It was a surreal experience for Diamond Tiara to be present during this conversation between the royal sisters. They sounded no different than any other pair of adults she had heard talking about trivial matters.

The horn that Princess Celestia had been waiting to hear sounded from the drawbridge.

“Ah,” said Celestia. “We may now begin our business. May I ask what happened to your...?” She pointed to the top of her own head.

“Long story,” replied Diamond Tiara, hoping that her servants back at the mansion knew enough to pick her tiara up off the floor and put it somewhere safe.

Celestia nodded, accepting the answer.

“Diamond Tiara, do you know why I have summoned you here today?” she asked.

“I have some theories, Your Highness,” replied Diamond Tiara, “but nothing concrete. I was under the impression that you didn’t even know that I existed.”

“You’re quite mistaken. I have been watching you for some time, my little pony. Shall I tell you what I saw?”

“By all means.”

“I have witnessed you causing your peers hardships. In the time that I’ve spent watching you, I’ve seen you do little else. You have been arrogant, vain, boastful, envious, cruel, disrespectful, manipulative, spiteful, vengeful, obnoxious, and an overall despicable child.”

Diamond Tiara flinched. Her impeccable grades in language arts had granted her a formidable vocabulary and she knew the meaning of each word that Princess Celestia threw her way.

“You take genuine pleasure in watching your victims squirm,” continued Celestia. “I’ve yet to witness you exhibit any notable virtuous behavior toward anypony else with the possible exception of Silver Spoon and your father. Your involvement in the accident that caused the death of your classmate Twist has been well documented. And you even provoked your teacher, a mare whose very calling was the nurturing and education of children, into taking leave of her senses and beating you in front of your fellow students. Granted, that was her shortcoming rather than yours... but you are certainly remarkable in your recalcitrance. I have concluded that you are by far the naughtiest filly I have ever known... and, given my long lifespan, that is quite an extraordinary feat. Have you anything to say for yourself?”

A grin formed on Diamond Tiara’s face and she giggled.

“O-kay,” said Diamond Tiara, brimming with confidence. “I get what’s going on.”

“You do?” asked Celestia.

“I do. The royal treasury is in need of a little cash injection and rather than swallow your pride and ask for a loan, you brought me here to slap a bunch of fines on me. You didn’t have to go through all of this just to borrow some money, Your Highness. I’d be happy to resolve your financial woes... and at a very reasonable interest rate, too.”

“I’m not sure why you would think such a thing,” said Celestia. “The royal treasury is in excellent shape.”

“It would have to be,” muttered Luna, “considering I’m being paid next to nothing.”

“And you aren’t being fined,” said Celestia. “You’re being evaluated.”

A drop of sweat ran down Diamond Tiara’s temple.

“Evaluating me, huh?” she asked. “Oh. Okay. Uhhhh... You know what? My daddy just got out on bail today. He should really be present for this evaluation. Say! Why don’t we go pay him a visit at my house right now so the four of us can talk about this over lunch? Our butler Randolph makes the most delicious triple decker cheddar melts on grilled sourdough that you’ve ever had. They’re loaded with diced tomatoes and jalapenos... and he even makes a tangy spinach and artichoke dip for it on the side.”

Luna caught herself smacking her lips.

“Does he work nights, by any chance?” she asked.

“Luna,” said Celestia.

“Sorry,” said Luna.

Celestia returned her attention to Diamond Tiara.

“Are you saying that I should hold your father responsible for your behavior?” she asked. “He already has some serious charges to answer for. I suppose he could be charged with negligence but there’s not much more that can be done to punish him for it that the sentences for his current crimes won’t make insignificant.”

“He’s not a negligent parent,” stated Diamond Tiara. She cast her eyes downward. “He just has... a very... willful daughter.”

“Then we’re back to where we started. You have made many decisions that have hurt the feelings of other ponies. You acted gleefully and deliberately and you were fully aware of the pain and misery you were causing. Do you deny this?”

Diamond Tiara saw no point in denying anything if Celestia had seen what she had done.

“No, Your Highness,” she said.

“And do you accept full responsibility for your actions?” asked Celestia.

Diamond Tiara knew that if she said yes, there would be no taking it back.

“Partial responsibility, Your Highness,” she said.

“Partial?” asked Celestia. “Who else do you feel was responsible for your actions?”

If diplomacy – specifically, buying her way out of this – was not an option, Diamond Tiara would buy as much time as she could by using the greatest weapon at her disposal: her mind.

“You, Your Highness,” answered Diamond Tiara.

“Such insolence,” muttered Luna under her breath.

“Elaborate,” said Celestia to Diamond Tiara.

“You alicorns prance around with your wings and your horns and your crowns, ruling the rest of us little ponies like you own the place,” said Diamond Tiara. “I didn’t vote for you... but then, nopony did. You have a stranglehold on the highest position of authority in Equestria, not giving a hoof if somepony else can do a better job.”

“Impertinent child!” barked Luna. “Have you no respect for the crown? The freedom and privileges you enjoy are due to my sister’s tireless efforts. Do you believe that you could do a better job?”

“Luna, please,” said Celestia. “Let the filly speak.”

“I might be able to do a better job,” surmised Diamond Tiara, “but I guess we’ll never know since you’re a monarch and you only give so much power to the ponies under you. Did you honestly expect that nopony would ever envy your power? That they wouldn’t lust after what you have? That they’ll tolerate your tyrannical rule indefinitely?”

“Still thine treasonous tongue lest we still it for thee!” barked Luna, frowning at the filly.

“Princess Luna!” shouted Celestia. Luna’s ears drooped. “All of our subjects have the right to free speech... and that right will be indulged this time and every time... and without threatening children with violence.” Luna turned her head and pouted angrily. “And what’s with slipping into the Olden tongue? I thought you didn’t use that anymore.”

“I... still find myself using it on occasion... mostly when I command.”

“I don’t know exactly what you’re planning on doing to me,” said Diamond Tiara, “but if it’s as bad as I think it’s gonna be, this might be my last chance to say what I really feel. I think you’re a tyrant.” Luna bit her lip at the insult. “Only a tyrant would send her own sister to the moon for a thousand years over a difference of opinion.”

“It was a bit more complicated than that, child,” said Luna.

“Was it?” asked Diamond Tiara rhetorically with a sinister grin. She looked at Princess Celestia. “Was it also complicated to keep copies of The Mare In The Moon stocked in every public library across Equestria?”

Celestia and Luna looked at one another.

“Oh, didn’t you know, Princess Luna?” asked Diamond Tiara with smugness in her tone. “There’s a copy of The Mare In The Moon in every public library in Equestria.”

“I... must confess that I was unaware of that,” said Luna. “Public libraries are closed during my night and I visit the royal library when I have need of a book.”

“I think your sister knew.”

“Is this true, Celestia?” asked Luna. "Do you know about this?"

“If if is true, it’s news to me,” said Celestia.

“It is true,” said Diamond Tiara. “But it gets better. I did some more research and learned that any unreturned or lost copies of The Mare In The Moon were replaced within twenty four hours of the previous copy’s reported disappearance. Twenty four hours! Do you know how many other books get replaced with that kind of speed?”

“None?” guessed Luna.

“None,” declared Diamond Tiara. “The trail ends after a while. I can’t find any written record of a decree from anypony declaring that missing copies of The Mare In The Moon need to be replaced within twenty four hours... so I had to draw my own conclusions as to the identity of the legislative branch that made this library policy. Why would there be such an urgent need for that particular book to be on the shelves when said book details what Princess Celestia has gone on record as saying was ‘the most regrettable decision I’ve ever been forced to make’?” She looked at Celestia. “If it was as regrettable as you said, Your Highness, why haven’t you had every copy of The Mare In The Moon confiscated and burned? The truth can be erased over time... but it doesn’t look like you’ve even tried to cover it up. The opposite looks true. It looks like you’ve gone out of your way to keep the story circulating. Why is that?”

Luna waited for her sister’s answer.

Celestia hesitated.

“Assuming that what you claim is true, there is a very good lesson to be learned from The Mare In The Moon,” she said.

“Hm... I can see that,” said Diamond Tiara. “But why couldn’t the principals of the story have been changed? The Mare In The Moon could just as easily have been rewritten to feature two bunny rabbits and the story would still have retained its lesson. See, I know why the details of this embarrassing family affair have gone unchanged and why it’s remained in print for as long as it has. It’s because that story sends a message that behooves a tyrant: better not cross Celestia. She’s so hardcore that she banished her own family member on a hunk of rock out in space for a thousand years. Did you even know ahead of time that the stars would aid in her escape?”

“Her return was...” Celestia averted her eyes. “...prophesied... but, no, I didn’t know that the moon would only hold her for a limited period of time.”

“So as far as you knew, you were banishing her to the moon indefinitely.” Diamond Tiara smirked and flexed her brow. “Well, I can’t say that I blame you for wanting to keep that message alive. If I were in your horseshoes and I did that, I’d never stop talking about it.” She walked to the perimeter of the dais to circle Celestia but the alicorn levitated her and set her back down in front of the throne.

“Please don’t walk in circles around me,” said Celestia. “I’ve seen you do that before and it’s very irritating... not to mention rude.”

“Heh, old habit,” said Diamond Tiara. “My bad. The Mare In The Moon serves your needs on two fronts. It reinforces your reputation as a powerful monarch who won’t take manure from anypony while simultaneously portraying you as a sympathetic character who banished her only beloved sister to save her loyal subjects from eternal night – making it harder for ponies to hate you and a revolution less likely.”

Diamond Tiara sat down and pretended to wipe away a crocodile tear.

“Time for a pop quiz,” she continued. “Discouraging a revolution by scaring the manure out of your subjects works fine for the generation of ponies who were alive when the banishing took place... but what about later generations? How do you keep their sons and daughters and grandsons and granddaughters from rising up against the monarchy? Answer: Make the greatest punishment you’ve ever delivered common knowledge by keeping reports of it in stock and use taxpayer money to fund the distribution of the hard copies.”

Diamond Tiara applauded by stomping on the floor with her forehooves.

“Brava, Your Highness,” she said. “You’ve created the perfect self-sustaining propaganda machine. You showed me firsthoof what could be accomplished with enough guts, power, and vision... and damned if I didn’t admire your strategy. Once I figured this out, I wanted to be a princess more than anything. But I’m no alicorn – so I strove to excel in other areas. I've increased my mental sharpness by acing every subject in school. I stay one step ahead of the game in all of my endeavors. I invested in my most precious resource: myself. The brilliant filly standing before you is the result of all my hard work... and the princess standing before me was my inspiration. Right now, you’re on top. But, y’know... the thing about being on top is that you rarely have a reason to look up. Let me give you one – on the house.”

Diamond Tiara cleared her throat.

“But before I do, could I please have some water?” she asked. “All this talk is making me parched.”

Luna conjured a glass of water for Diamond Tiara.

“Thanks,” said Diamond Tiara. She drank half of the glass and put it down. Her eyes wandered to the dais and she pointed at it. “There are all sorts of playground myths that we kids have about your little throne fountain. One says that you die instantly if you drink from it. Another says that if you throw a bit in there and make a wish, it’ll come true. My favorite is that there’s a toilet built into your throne and that the fountain is simply an open sewer system.”

“How charming,” muttered Luna sarcastically.

Diamond Tiara finished her water and put the glass down.

“Okay,” she continued. “You might want to consider getting with the times, Your Highness. The motion picture industry is booming right now and a story like The Mare In The Moon has tremendous box office potential. If The Mare In The Moon were to be made into a movie, you’d be reaching everypony who can see – including the ponies who are too young to read, ponies who don’t know how to read, and ponies who don’t like to read. There’s no way that any competent movie studio would skimp on the budget so it’s bound to be a high quality production. And if that’s not enough incentive, you’d be making some serious bank by selling the film rights. I’m sure your royal treasurer’s feelings wouldn’t be hurt by all that extra money you’d be raking in. Tartarus, if I knew the first thing about movie making, I’d make a bid on the rights myself. Just make sure to cut your sister in on those profits. It’s her story, too... and a lawsuit between sisters would be really ugly, not to mention costly.”

Celestia inhaled through her nostrils and exhaled through her mouth.

“Your free speech has been recognized and indulged,” stated Celestia. “Your evaluation is now complete and I have come to a decision. Luna? The box, if you please.”

“Very well,” said Luna. “But let the record show that I do so under protest.”

“Everything about this evaluation is strictly off the record, Luna.” She looked at Diamond Tiara. “No witnesses is best pony.”

Celestia smiled at Diamond Tiara in such a way that the filly couldn’t tell what to make of it.

Floating beside the former Mare In The Moon was a dark object that looked like a chest. Luna slowly approached Diamond Tiara with the object in tow. The chest made a solid sound as it was placed on the floor and the soft chime coming from Luna’s horn ceased.

Terror permeated every cell of Diamond Tiara’s body as she examined the chest. The darkness of the wood made it look centuries old. Did this chest contain an ancient execution tool? The royal pony sisters were present during some of the bloodiest periods of pre-Equestrian history. Back then, executions via evisceration were not unheard of.

She wanted to cry out for her father but he was miles away with no knowledge that she had been taken away to Canterlot. And calling out for the mare who gave birth to her was not only just as pointless – it was something that she swore she would never do again under any circumstances, not even to save her own life.

“The time to reap what thou hast sown is upon thee, little one,” said Luna. The Princess of the Night conjured a black wicker basket with a fancy red satin pillow inside it.

The basket was suspiciously large enough for a filly’s head.

Did the box house a decapitation device?

Diamond Tiara gulped.

Tartarus.

Her soul would spend eternity suffering in Tartarus. But if she was going to die, she’d die as she lived: on her own terms.

“Y-You’re smart to execute me, Princess,” said Diamond Tiara, her feigned fearlessness given away by the tears budding in her eyes. “I’d be honored by the gesture if I wasn’t about to lose my life. But I won’t beg you for mercy. I’ve always done what I’ve wanted to do, I’ve made no excuses for who I am... and I never once conformed to your definition of acceptable behavior. If there’s no place in your perfect Equestria for me to be myself, then I think I’d rather be dead.” She powered through her tears and gave Celestia a demented smile. “But mark my words: one day, a mare just like me will take my place – and then she’ll take your place. It’s just a matter of time.”

Diamond Tiara closed her eyes and waited for the inevitable.

So it ends like this, huh?, she thought. Oh, Daddy. Oh, Silver Spoon. I’m so sorry.

The hinges of the chest creaked cruelly as it was opened slowly by Princess Luna.

“Gaze upon what my sister has decreed that you’ve earned,” said Luna.

Diamond Tiara kept her eyes shut and trembled as her last act of defiance. She had no obligation to view the means of her demise.

“Open thine eyes, child!” shouted Luna in her Royal Canterlot Voice.

Diamond Tiara opened her eyes. Luna looked back at Celestia who rolled her eyes and shook her head.

“What?” asked Luna as she smiled innocently. “It worked, didn’t it?”

She looked at the open chest and saw her own reflection in a mirror placed on the underside of the lid. Celestia’s horn glowed – as did the item that she extracted from the box via levitation.

In Diamond Tiara’s opinion, the object was too small and impractical for it to be a particularly effective tool for execution. As it was lowered onto the satin pillow in the basket, her eyes widened.

She recognized its shape. She would have been a fool not to have recognized it.

“Is that...?” asked Diamond Tiara.

Celestia nodded.

“This black diamond encrusted platinum tiara was given to me as a gift thousands of years ago by Celine the First, duchess of Trottingham and a dear friend of mine whose passing I mourn, even to this day.” Celestia and Luna bowed their heads and closed their eyes momentarily in memory of Celine. “I want you to have it as a token of my appreciation for the fine work that you’ve done.”

Diamond Tiara was so enthralled by the antique tiara that she almost didn’t hear the princess.

“Wait, what?” asked Diamond Tiara. “You’re seriously giving this... to me?”

Celestia nodded.

“I’ll spare you the trouble of having it appraised by telling you that there isn’t a single antique collector in all of Equestria who’s rich enough to pay you what it’s really worth,” she said. “As a precaution, I took the liberty of enchanting it with a powerful anti-theft spell. Anypony attempting to remove it from your head without your permission would immediately regret doing so.”

Diamond Tiara placed the most valuable antiquity on earth on her head and ran to the chest to admire herself in the mirror. She valued her original tiara greatly – but this new one made her look like a queen.

“I know what it’s like to wear a head accessory for an extended period of time and then suddenly find myself without it,” continued Celestia. “It can be very disorienting. As princess, I feel that I should give credit to my subjects where credit is due and I needed to ascertain that you alone were responsible for the behavior I’ve witnessed. But since I’m partially responsible as you said... and I can’t split a tiara with you, obviously... I’ll reward myself with some cake later on.”

“You and your cake,” muttered Luna.

“Is the tiara not to your liking?” asked Celestia.

“Are you kidding me?” replied Diamond Tiara. “I love it! It’s beautiful... but why would you reward me for behaving badly?”

“I disapprove of bad behavior, generally speaking – but for you, I can make an exception.”

“Okay, no more cryptic answers, Your Highness. Give it to me straight. You’re buying something from me with this tiara and I want to know what that is.”

“May I speak candidly?”

“Please do.”

Princess Celestia rose from her throne, flew beside Diamond Tiara and lay on the floor. With her height reduced, she wasn’t quite as scary or imposing as Diamond Tiara made her out to be. She found that she was actually rather swanlike. The alicorn princess closed her eyes, sighed softly, and then opened them. While Diamond Tiara was a stranger to empathy, she could see a pain hidden just behind Celestia’s eyes that harbored great sorrow, perpetual loss, and hardships that only one of her kind could ever fully understand.

“I’m centuries old, Diamond Tiara,” said Celestia with a gentle smile. “Time passes differently for me than other ponies. A wall exists. On one side are Discord, my sister, and myself. On the other, everypony else. I can inspire my subjects to live orderly lives by serving as a role model but I can only accomplish so much on my own because whereas I continue to live, they and their loved ones grow old and die. Resentment for my longevity is natural, thus the wall remains. And yet, improving my beloved Equestria remains my sincerest wish and one of my highest priorities as princess. I want everypony to be happy and spread love and friendship wherever they go. So the question is: how do I spread a message of friendship for mortal ponies to embrace without tainting it with my immortal presence?”

“Easy,” said Diamond Tiara. “You have mortal ponies do it for you instead.”

“That’s right,” said Celestia with a smile. “When my subjects witness ponies such as Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends performing heroic deeds, they feel that they can also achieve great feats of their own... which brings me to why I’m rewarding you. I’m going to share a secret with you that no one other than my sister knows. You have a sort of... unprinted license to behave as badly as you wish – within reason, of course – because you are part of a very special experiment of mine. You know the primary subjects of this project as Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle.”

Diamond Tiara was taken aback by the mention of her classmates.

“Those blank flanks?” she asked. “They’re your project?”

Celestia nodded.

“You were clever to have deduced my ulterior motives regarding The Mare In The Moon. But then, aren’t we all guilty of being selfish at one time or another? See, I’ve been grooming the Cutie Mark Crusaders from behind the scenes since my sister’s return. I’ve watched over them and I’ve painstakingly masterminded their development as a trio of friends from their first meeting right down to the creation of a Manehattan chapter of their club. It’s all part of my master plan. I believe that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are on the path to becoming a legendary band of mares whose exploits will go down in Equestrian history. They will be a shining example for many generations to come and others will be able to relate to them since they are not long-lived alicorns to be envied or feared.”

“But I’m not a Crusader.”

“Yes, I know. I watched as you first crossed Apple Bloom’s path on the weekend of your cute-ceanera. I was inclined to intervene but then something occurred to me. Ponies of substance can’t be mollycoddled. They must overcome the small obstacles if they are to learn how to overcome the large ones. So I decided to endorse your role in their development. You would serve as their persistent foil... and might I say that you’ve done an even better job than I had anticipated. I’ve even used my magic to put a spell on the Cutie Mark Crusaders that prevents them from earning their cutie marks before my experiment has concluded.”

“Really? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! That’s hilarious!”

“But I didn’t do it to punish them or to be cruel. It was so I could inspire them to work harder at discovering who they were. Also, I believed that you couldn’t resist picking on them if they remained ‘blank flanks’... and I was right about that. You are the rock in their road because you’re compelled to antagonize those that you deem beneath you. With each challenge you put in their path, they will grow and learn as they overcome it while you... Oh, my. How do I put this gently? Well, I guess there’s no other way to say it: you are exactly what and where I need you to be in their current stage of development. They have yet to reach their full potential whereas you... have more or less already reached yours.”

“What do you mean? I haven’t even reached adulthood yet.”

“Your age won’t make a difference. Don’t get me wrong. You’re still a vital part of the equation. The thing that makes you special is that you are exactly the kind of pony I need them to encounter. Cruel. Judgmental. Intolerant. You serve as the foil for the Cutie Mark Crusaders to overcome so that they can fully embrace the true nature of friendship at a tender age and become the legends that I know they can be. They will go down in history as role models and heroes and to my subjects, a hero is only as good as the villains she defeats. They can’t take on a villain such as Queen Chrysalis just yet... but they’ll get there someday... and they’ll get there through victories under their saddles which they’ll have earned by besting you.”

“What makes them so special? I got my own cutie mark first.”

“Not only do I have the ability to delay a cutie mark’s appearance... I can also influence its appearance. I did so with Twist to prevent her from becoming a Crusader... and I have done so with you.”

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped.

“WHAT?” she cried.

“But I picked a pretty good one, don’t you agree?” asked Celestia. “I don’t recall hearing you complain when you received it. Twist certainly didn’t complain when I picked hers. Yours had to be flashy to play up to your ego... and what an ego it was.”

“You picked my cutie mark? But... I’m special, too.”

“I know, child – just not in the same way as the Cutie Mark Crusaders... but I urge you not to let that get you down. It is an honor to serve your princess in any fashion. To serve me is to serve Equestria and future generations of ponies will benefit from what you’ve already contributed to the growth of the Cutie Mark Crusaders and what you have yet to contribute. As a foil, you’ll never receive recognition for your contributions from the general public... so I thought I’d give you a special gift to show my gratitude.”

“But... how can you interfere with my development like that? You can’t just make somepony live their lives a certain way because of how it’ll benefits others! That’s... inequine!”

“Now, now, Diamond Tiara, let’s be fair. I don’t recall twisting your foreleg to get you to be mean to your classmates.”

“Yeah, but whenever I was mean to those blank flanks, I did it thinking I was acting by choice." She scowled at Celestia. "MY CHOICE! Who knows what I could have been if you hadn’t manipulated me? You have no right to do that to anypony!”

Celestia stood up and glared at Diamond Tiara.

“I am Princess Celestia of Equestria, Diamond Tiara,” she declared solemnly. “And you are a foal who would do well to remember to whom she is speaking when talking about my rights.” She flew back to her throne. “The role you play is for the benefit of all of the citizens of Equestria. The burdens that I carry on a daily basis are those which I gladly take on for the greater good. You should be just as gracious and thankful for your role. I know that the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ contribution to the spirit of Equestria will be spectacular. It wouldn’t surprise me if their exploits eclipsed those of Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends. And though it injures my pride to say it, their legend may even surpass that of the royal pony sisters.”

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped again. She looked at Princess Luna who nodded to confirm Celestia’s beliefs. Diamond Tiara turned her head and frowned. She would never have guessed that she and Silver Spoon had been teasing ponies marked for greatness.

“Yes, they really do have that much potential,” continued Celestia. “As the ruler of all Equestria, I can do no less than everything within my power to nurture their friendship and their love of exploring the possibilities. And if their legend should come at the cost of one pony shining less brightly than the others – you, in this case – the least I can do is show that pony my appreciation.”

Diamond Tiara walked to the window and looked out of it. She saw Equestria spread out before her. It was a land that was supposed to be hers to rule some day. But that bubble had just been burst.

“What happens after we graduate?” she asked.

“Nothing at all,” said Celestia. “You will go your way and they will go theirs. They will go on to bigger and better things. Your life will be your own. You will have served your ultimate purpose and you can live out the rest of your life knowing that you have my gratitude for a job well done.”

Diamond Tiara’s ears drooped and she began to weep.

“Why are you crying?” asked Celestia.

“How can you not know why I’m crying?” asked Diamond Tiara, turning around to face Celestia. “How would you feel if somepony told you that your ultimate purpose was something that they picked for you? That you were fulfilling their wishes instead of your own? You said you wanted everypony to be happy! How can I be happy being a foil knowing that what I thought I was doing of my own free will was actually chosen for me by somepony else? You act like my happiness... my life! ...doesn't even matter! You’ve treated me like a toy! I am not a toy! I’m special! I don’t want to be a stepping stone for other ponies on their rise to greatness! I have just as much potential to become a legend as the Crusaders do, if not more! I want my life to have meaning; a meaning apart from what you’ve decided it should be! I want a life built around my own choices, not as a hoofnote in somepony else’s story!”

“I shared this secret with you because I believed that you were mature enough to accept it. Was I wrong?”

“I am mature... but what you’ve done to me is pure evil. I never asked to be part of your experiment.”

“But Diamond Tiara, you’re perfectly suited for your role. You should be proud. Being a foil is your fate.”

“Then I reject my fate!”

“HA!” Celestia reared her head back and laughed.

Diamond Tiara began to cry again.

“Please excuse my laughter,” said Celestia, covering her mouth with her forehoof, “but when you’ve lived as long as I have, you’d see the humor in what you just said. How do you intend to reject your fate when I could not reject mine nor Luna hers?”

“I’ll go against what you’ve allowed me to be,” said Diamond Tiara. “You’ve shown me my role and now I am officially abandoning it! I’ll become what I choose to be. And what I choose to be... is a legendary pony.”

Celestia’s pupils narrowed and her jaw dropped. As it was undignified, she shut it.

“My child, that’s preposterous,” she said. “What you’re suggesting is beyond your reach.”

“The fact that you think it’s beyond my reach only makes me want to reach for it more,” said Diamond Tiara.

“Do you mean to tell me that you plan to tread upon the same path of light and virtue as Princess Twilight Sparkle and her friends?”

“I do. I’ll carve my own legend, without your help or your approval.”

“This is nonsense. Diamond Tiara, please listen to me. You’ve been so successful at being a foil that I’d hate to see you fail at something which you know nothing about. Leading a virtuous life isn’t as simple as you might think.”

“If those blank fla- I mean, if the Cutie Mark Crusaders can do it, how hard can it be?”

“Very. Ordinarily, I’d be pleased that a pony would dedicate themselves to a life of virtue but you don’t have it in you. A zebra cannot change its stripes. I need you-”

“I NEED ME!!!” screamed Diamond Tiara, poking herself in the chest. “My life belongs to me and what you think I’m capable of has no bearing on the heights I intend to achieve! You may be all-powerful but you aren’t all-knowing. Otherwise, you’d have seen how wrong you were about the Cutie Mark Crusaders and made me the primary subject of your experiment.”

“It is of no concern, dear sister,” said Luna. “Let this one do as she pleases. Silver Spoon is still available to us. Surely she can take this one’s place.”

“Oh, no, you don’t! She’s my friend!”

“‘Tis a lie. You are no longer speaking to her.”

“How do you know that?”

“I have my sources.”

Diamond Tiara tensed her jaw.

“She and I may not be speaking right now but I’ll fix that and take her along with me on my journey of virtue!” she declared. “Besides, she’s already indicated that she wanted to go that way anyway so she wouldn’t have been a very good choice.”

Neither Princess Celestia nor Princess Luna had anything else to say.

“I guess this means that your protégés will have to reach their full potential without my help,” said Diamond Tiara. “And if they can’t, that just means that your faith in them was misplaced. And who knows? With this new destiny of mine... and it is mine... my accomplishments might outshine theirs and yours!” Celestia smiled with wicked glee as the devilish spark often seen in Diamond Tiara’s typical behavior shone once more. Diamond Tiara realized how boastful her declaration sounded and she cleared her throat. “That is... uh... I mean... but if not, that’s okay. I’ll be satisfied with sharing the spotlight with you if I can’t steal it. We’ll let history be the judge.” She smiled nervously.

Celestia sighed.

“If you’re sure that you won’t reconsider...”

Diamond Tiara bit her lip and averted her eyes.

“There is one thing you could do to get me to change my mind, Your Highness,” she said. She looked at Princess Celestia. “Pardon my father. Do that for me... and I’ll play any role you want for as long as you want.”

“I’m sorry, child,” said Celestia, shaking her head slowly, “but that is a pardon I cannot grant. His fate is no longer in my hooves.”

“Then I’m sure, Your Highness. And one of my pet projects will be to stop any bullying I see going on in school... so don’t bother finding a new foil.”

Celestia turned up her nose and gave a short snort.

“I knew that you’d be the perfect foil for the Cutie Mark Crusaders, Diamond Tiara,” she said, “but I never suspected that you’d be mine as well. I suppose all that’s left for me to do is to wish you luck.”

“Luck?” scoffed Diamond Tiara. “Pfft. Luck is for ponies who aren’t named Diamond Tiara.”

Celestia smiled again at Diamond Tiara’s prideful comment and Diamond Tiara caught herself.

“Uh... That wasn’t arrogance – that was confidence,” said Diamond Tiara. “You believe that, right?”

Celestia’s face became the picture of apathy. Her horn glowed as she opened the door to the main hallway.

“Go,” she said flatly, turning her head away.

Diamond Tiara smiled as she saw that door open because with it opened a world of opportunities. She had defied a princess and gotten away with it. Now she wanted to take on the world more than ever before so that she could prove to everypony how special she was.

And this time, she’d be doing it her way.

“Have a care, Diamond Tiara,” said Celestia. “You would be doing yourself a great kindness by not telling the Cutie Mark Crusaders or anypony else about what happened here today.”

“Don’t worry,” said Diamond Tiara. “I have no intention of telling them that you think they’re better than I am. It’s not like they’d have a reason to listen to anything I’d have to say, anyway. And it’s just outrageous enough to be unbelievable... but I guess you planned it that way from the start. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have told me about it.”

“So you see why I said you’d be doing yourself a kindness by keeping quiet about it instead of saying you’d be doing me a kindness.”

“Well, duh.” Diamond Tiara walked toward the door. “Keep thinking I’m an idiot, Your Highness. It’ll only help me get to my throne that much faster.” She stopped and turned around. “I mean... just kidding! Heh heh.” She continued on her way out the door and through the hallway.

Rut, this is gonna be harder than I thought, she said to herself.

“My guards will fly you back home,” called out Celestia.

“Thanks but I think I’d rather take a train,” called out Diamond Tiara.

Princess Luna and Princess Celestia watched as Diamond Tiara left the throne room. Luna walked to the window to watch for her. She saw the pink filly cross the drawbridge and walk into town to get to the train station. Luna turned around to look at her sister and smiled.

“The coast is clear,” said Luna.

“All right, girls,” said Celestia in a clear voice. “You can come out now.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders ran out from behind Celestia’s throne.

“Wow, Princess!” exclaimed Scootaloo. “That was... I don’t even have the words!”

“Me neither!” said Apple Bloom. “Ya pulled it off perfectly, Yer Highness! You could totally be a professional actress! You too, Princess Luna.”

“Yeah, Diamond Tiara didn’t have a clue that you two were pulling her leg the whole time.” said Sweetie Belle. “A filly who’s one step ahead of the game is...” She paused for a moment to do some math. “...nine steps behind two princesses who are ten steps ahead of the game. Thank you so much!”

“No, thank you,” said Celestia. “I can’t remember the last time I had this much fun. I commend you on coming up with such a brilliant plan to reform your little friend.”

“Trust us, she’s no friend of ours,” muttered Scootaloo.

“Not yet, anyway,” said Luna. “You do know that making amends with you all will be fairly high on her to-do list, do you not?”

“Then we’ll treat her like she treated us!” barked Scootaloo.

“If that is what you wish,” said Celestia. “But isn’t a pony treating others badly exactly why you came to me and asked for my help?”

“Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Thanks a million fer going through all o’ this fer us, Yer Highnesses,” said Apple Bloom. “Life is gonna be sooooooooo much sweeter without Diamond Tiara pickin’ on us. We’ll let ya know if she breaks her word.”

“I suspect that there’ll be no need for that,” said Celestia. “She may have a different way of expressing it than you do... but I sense that Diamond Tiara has a strong will. I’ve seen that gleam in a pony’s eyes many times before and I have yet to be let down. She has too much pride to fail now that she knows that I’m waiting for her to fall short of her goal. Don’t be surprised if her popularity soars before long.”

“Oh, great!” moaned Sweetie Belle. “Now that Diamond Tiara’s gonna be good, we’ll have to be extra-specially super-duper good ponies if we’re gonna compete with her! Ohhh, why does life have to be-”

Sweetie Belle was cut off by Scootaloo’s hoof plugging up her mouth.

“Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it before,” said Scootaloo. “Put it on a T-shirt already.”

“We might not be future legendary ponies, Yer Highnesses,” said Apple Bloom, “but we’ll give it our best shot, if only ta keep up with Diamond Tiara.”

“Now that sounds like as good of a reason to be the best ponies you can be as I’ve ever heard,” said Celestia.

“Princess Celestia, how much of what you said to Diamond Tiara is true?” asked Scootaloo. “Do you think we’re really gonna have a destiny as great as Rainbow Dash and her friends?”

“Can ya really hoofpick a pony’s cutie mark?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Are you really keeping us from getting our cutie marks?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Sweetie Belle!” hissed Scootaloo.

“Because if you are, I’d be really sad.”

“That was an ad lib, my little ponies,” said Celestia. “I do not have the ability to grant cutie marks – nor do I have the ability to prevent them from appearing. Everypony eventually receives their cutie mark upon discovering what makes them special. And everypony has it in them to have as great a destiny as they’ve set their mind on achieving. The sky’s the limit.”

Scootaloo rolled her eyes.

“Said the alicorn to the pegasus who can’t fly,” she muttered as she hung her head.

“My royal guards will fly you back to Ponyville,” said Celestia.

“Bye, Princess Celestia!” said the Crusaders. “Bye, Princess Luna!” The three fillies ran for the exit, eager for another fun chariot ride high in the sky.

“Those three will become Equestrian legends, Luna,” noted Celestia. “If only because of the legendary patience they must possess to have dealt with that Diamond Tiara filly for this long without beating her within an inch of her life.”

“Oh, dear sister,” said Luna. “You know of my soft spot for foals but I don’t mind telling you that that incorrigible whelp was just one more nasty remark away from receiving the back of my hoof.”

“Luna! I’m surprised at you! Wanting to strike a filly... before allowing your big sister first crack at the brat.” Celestia reared back a foreleg and swatted an imaginary Diamond Tiara.

Both alicorns burst out laughing.

“Bratty though she was,” noted Luna, “I must admit that she did have a most compelling argument regarding her conspiracy theory.”

Luna’s comment was met with an uncomfortable silence.

“What do you mean by that?” asked Celestia.

“Would you have any objection to granting me access to the royal accounting office to review the ledgers?” asked Luna. “Specifically, the ledgers for public library fund allotment?”

“To what end? Luna, I chose to play along with Diamond Tiara so that she felt as though she had one-upped me. Surely you don’t believe that Mare In The Moon library book business?”

“No, but-”

“Thank you, that’s good to know. I’ve been insulted enough for one day. Now if you don’t mind, I have some official business to attend to before it’s time to lower the sun.”

Luna’s ears drooped. She flew to the door.

“I... I meant no offense, Tia,” said Luna.

“There’s no need to apologize, Luna. If anything, I should apologize to you. Having to keep my composure with that obnoxious filly has put me on edge.”

“Think nothing of it, sister. Enjoy the rest of your day.”

“Sleep well.”

The door to the throne room opened and shut.

Celestia took a piece of parchment and began to write on it with a quill, speaking her words aloud as she wrote them.

“Dear Princess Twilight – as the ruler of Equestria, I have had the unpleasant duty of punishing those who do not live up to the fine standards of pony society. It is easily my least favorite duty... and I’m certain that your most recent courtroom experience has made it your least favorite duty, too. It can make even the most benevolent of rulers jaded and disillusioned. So it was a rare pleasure to help a lost soul rejoin our herd with just the gentlest of nudges. If there’s any sort of lesson to share with you, it’s that everypony has a need to write their own page in the history books... and nopony likes to feel that they are the product of the machinations of others. Royally yours, Princess Celestia.”

Celestia sent the letter and then produced a fresh page. She levitated her quill and wrote a second letter.

“Dear Summer Blockbuster – you will be happy to know that your motion picture company’s persistent attempts to purchase the motion picture rights to The Mare In The Moon have not been in vain. After careful consideration and a lengthy discussion with my royal advisors, I have decided that now is the time to ink a deal. Please schedule an appointment with my attaché Raven at Canterlot Castle at your earliest convenience. I believe that she above all others is best qualified to represent the crown’s interests in the negotiations to follow. Royally Yours, Princess Celestia. P.S. I reserve the right to have final say on script approval.”

She put down her letter and quill and stroked her chin pensively.

“To think that it took a foal to show me the benefit of a Mare In The Moon movie,” said Celestia to herself. “You’re slipping in your old age, Tia.”

“I agree,” said Princess Luna. “Your hearing is failing you, too.”

Celestia recoiled with a squeal.

“Luna!” she cried. “W-When did you get back in here?”

“I never left,” said Luna. “I walked to the door, opened it, closed it, flew back here... and remained aloft. Something must have distracted you. Something like reading your letter aloud as you wrote it.”

Celestia could see that her sister was not the least bit happy about her deception.

“Now, Luna,” she said. “Before you-”

“For a thousand years, I languished on the moon... and in all that time, I never once fooled myself into thinking that I did nothing to deserve my exile. But even as I lay upon the moon’s cold and dusty surface with nothing to keep me company save my tears, I always believed that I was the one with the darker heart. But alas! A foal saw what I could not. You exploited my banishment to cow our subjects into subservience... and financed the distribution of the tale with their own money! And now you seek to exploit it further by turning it into a motion picture?”

“I was going to cut you in; honest.”

“Silence! ” Thunder crashed as dark, angry storm clouds formed in the throne room. A powerful whirlwind whipped through Celestia’s hair and she closed her eyes. When she opened them just wide enough to see, she saw her sister floating in the air with a fearsome scowl and glowing eyes. “The tale of our banishment should be observed with solemnity and reverence, not with soft drinks and popcorn! Thou hast wounded us most egregiously on this day, Celestia... and we decree that thou shalt be punished most severely for thine millennium of manipulation and for thine attempt to capitalize on our incarceration for financial gain!”

Luna set herself back down on the floor. The dramatic weather disappeared. Luna lowered her head and grinned. She folded her wings and stalked Celestia like a panther. She sniffed the air.

“Is there a tickle piggy around here somewhere?” she asked.

Celestia’s pupils narrowed in terror.

“Oh, no,” whimpered Celestia, shaking her head rapidly and walking backwards away from her sister. “No-no-no-no-no-no-no-no. I assure you that there are no tickle piggies here.” Celestia knew what Luna planned on doing and was overcome with dread.

“Ooooooooooh, I think I see a wid-dle tick-le pig-gyyyyyyyy... and I’m going to catch herrrrrr.”

“Please, sister!” begged Celestia. “We’re not– ” She turned her head and stuck her head out the window. “GUAAAAAAARDS!!!” She returned her attention to Luna. “– foals anymore... so please cease this foolishness at once!”

Luna drew closer.

“Princess Luna!” Celestia tried to sound official despite her fear, hoping to get through to her sister. “Hear me! I am the Princess Of The Day... although I’ve personally never liked that title because it makes me sound like a deli item... But! Your behavior is highly inappropriate! I won’t stand for it.”

Luna’s grin widened.

“Then you’d betterrrrrr... run for it!”

Celestia screamed as Luna chased her around the throne room. The moon princess quickly caught her older, less nimble sister and wrestled her to the ground. She lay on top of Celestia, wrapped her legs around her older sister’s body, and used her wing tips to tickle her sister’s ribs mercilessly.

Celestia screamed with nonstop hysterical laughter as tears poured outward from her eyes like fountains. She writhed and squirmed to free herself but the effect that the tickling had on her made it difficult to escape. Desperate to be freed from her sister’s punishment any way she could, she bit Luna’s mane and pulled on it as hard as she could while her hind hooves clamped down on her sister’s tail and pulled that with equal force.

Luna closed her eyes, reared her head back, took a deep breath, and yowled with pleasure – in the Royal Canterlot Voice.

Four guards stormed through the throne room doors; one a lieutenant, the others privates. They saw Princess Luna moaning, trembling, and panting suggestively as she lay on top of Princess Celestia who was also left breathless by the tickling she had endured. Taken out of context, it was quite a spectacle. The three lower ranking guards quickly sat down, removed their helmets and placed them over their crotches. The lieutenant snorted at this deviation from standard uniform and he scowled at his soldiers.

“Cover up, privates!” commanded the lieutenant.

“Sir, that’s exactly what we’re doing, sir,” stated one of the three guards, his voice cracking.

“NOW!!”

With sweat rolling down their heads, the guards reluctantly obeyed their commanding officer and returned their helmets to their heads. The lieutenant facehoofed as he caught sight of what his stallions were willing to break military dress code in order to conceal.

The royal sisters took notice as well but were far less upset than the lieutenant was. Celestia and Luna rose from the floor and stood on all fours.

“Oh, my,” said Princess Luna, grinning as she ogled the guards and bit her lower lip.

“At ease, gentlecolts,” said a smirking Princess Celestia, not even pretending to look away. “There’s no need for you to...” She cleared her throat. “...salute us.”

“My sincerest apologies, Your Highnesses,” said the lieutenant. He turned to face his subordinates with a fierce scowl. “You’re dismissed. Just you wait until we get back to the barracks.”

“Please don’t be too... hard on them, lieutenant,” said Celestia, nudging Luna with her elbow. Luna turned her head and sputtered with laughter at her sister’s pun. The guards cleared the throne room, leaving the sisters alone again.

“Okay,” said Luna, pointing to where the stallions sat earlier and smiling. “That was art.”

“Oh, that was most definitely art,” said Celestia, matching her sister’s smile. “Sign me up for attending an art gallery featuring more of the same.”

The sister shared a hoof bump. As their sandals collided, drops of moisture flew from Celestia’s golden slippers. She looked at the bottom of her slipper and found that it was wet. She looked down and saw that the floor was also wet. She stood on her hind legs and looked down. Her lower abdomen was soaked. She rubbed her right forehoof across the moisture on her coat and brought her hoof to her nose. She sniffed it. Her pupils narrowed and she trembled with dread.

“L... Luna?” she said, followed by a gulp. “When you were on top of me... did you...? Is this your...?”

“Yes, I did... and yes, it is,” said Luna. “It was unavoidable. For future reference, please refrain from pulling my hair if I’m situated directly above you. Not that I intend to make a habit of climbing on top of you but you get the idea.”

“Duly noted,” groaned Celestia. “And now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to take about a hundred baths... and then I must seek out a psychiatrist who specializes in treating PTSD.”

“Told you that you’d be punished... and let’s not keep secrets from each other anymore, all right?”

Celestia nodded, mumbling something as she slowly walked out of the throne room, fanning herself with her wings.

Luna stuck her head through the doorway. She saw that Celestia had turned the corner and was now gone. Luna flew to the throne, took a seat, and began writing a letter of her own.

“Dear Cheese Cake,” she said. “Big Cheese got a hold of this month’s SubPlot and showed it to Purple Smart. Now Purple Smart wants to take us out! You know the drill. Close up operations at the Canterlot studio and tell the girls to lay low for a while. Once the heat dies down, we’ll relocate to Las Pegasus and start over. And if we make it out of this in one piece, I swear that I am never greenlighting another all-princess issue again. Yours, Green Cheese.”

Author's Note

This chapter is respectfully dedicated to Telaros, one of my biggest supporters here on fimfiction.net.

Adversity

Train ride. Train ride. Got my ticket. Gonna ride the train. Gonna go fast. Can’t wait for the train to get here. Arf. Bad dog.

A feeling of dread nagged at Diamond Tiara on her journey to the Canterlot train station; a dread that came from having to ride in a train car with common ponies. She had a charge account with the Equestria Rail Company and could easily request a private car all to herself but that would defeat the purpose of her new calling. She recognized her disdain for common ponies – the majority of which were nowhere near as affluent as she was – as one of the many attitudes she would need to adjust if she was going to have any chance at securing her rightful place in history as a beloved legend. Her discrimination had deep roots which would be difficult to pull. If her wealth didn’t make her any better than anypony else, what did? As with any endeavor, the first steps were going to be some of the hardest.

Although the pegasus chariot ride offered to her by Princess Celestia was a mode of transportation better suited for a filly of her status, it came by way of her secret benefactor – and Diamond Tiara decided that, with the exception of the antique tiara she wore on her head, she would accept no further boons from the princess. And considering the rebellious outburst which put an end to her involvement in Celestia’s Cutie Mark Crusader project, the royal pegasus guards charged with pulling that chariot might have received secret orders to dump her midair somewhere over the ocean. Traveling home by train was a luxury by comparison.

Diamond Tiara had finally reached the Canterlot train station. She would be glad to get back to Ponyville where there was some semblance of tribal diversity. The number of unicorns walking about was offputting. And the number of unicorn foals she spotted was zero. She reasoned that they were probably attending classes at Princess Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns and she sneered at the thought of it. A unicorn-only learning institution smacked of prejudice in Diamond Tiara’s opinion. She knew that zebras were capable of utilizing magic through alchemy. What if a gifted zebra filly wanted to apply? Would they turn her away? And if the school allowed applicants of any species to join, would the school be willing to change its name to reflect the diversity of the student body?

She approached the ticket booth but stood a few paces away so the unicorn clerk could see her. With her harness, she couldn’t stand upright to reach the adult-height booth at its counter.

“I’d like a one-way ticket to Ponyville... please,” she said to the clerk.

The clerk adjusted his glasses as he looked at her.

“Hello, Miss Tiara,” he said with an unusual casualness in his tone.

“You know who I am?”

“This isn’t Ponyville, Miss Tiara. The Canterlot Voice has been covering the goings-on in Ponyville ever since Twist’s death. You can always rely on the Voice for unfiltered news, if not the most recent photos.” The clerk levitated a copy of a newspaper and Diamond Tiara saw a photo on its front page that brought her back: her Little Miss Equestria beauty pageant victory photo.

She remembered that night with extraordinary clarity. She shared the stage with her fellow contestant Zippoorwhill; the two jittery fillies mesmerized by the MC’s words. Silver Spoon, the pony who encouraged her to compete, was seated in the audience, providing as much moral support as she could. When the suspense was broken with the announcement of Zippoorwhill’s name as the first runner up, making Diamond Tiara the grand prize winner, the pegasus filly gave Diamond Tiara a big congratulatory hug. That hug put Zippoorwhill in the shot, ruining what was otherwise a perfect photo. Now that Diamond Tiara knew that she had received her cutie mark that night as a result of Princess Celestia’s magical interference, the photo, as well as that night, lost what little significance it had left.

“Why, I’ve even heard that some entrepreneur types have taken up buying The Voice in bulk and reselling them in Ponyville to turn a profit,” continued the clerk. “Trust me when I say that we all know exactly who you are.” The clerk gestured outward with his foreleg.

Diamond Tiara turned to look behind her and saw that she was the only pony in line. There were plenty of ponies here who most likely wanted to purchase a ticket but they did not stand behind her – or perhaps more accurately, they chose not to stand behind her. It hadn’t occurred to her that reporters from other towns were covering the events in Ponyville but as her father happened to be one of the wealthiest stallions in the world, it should have come as no surprise.

“So let me guess,” said Diamond Tiara. “You’re not gonna issue me a ticket. Is that it? You’re gonna strand a foal in a strange town?” She hoped that this wasn’t the clerk’s intention. If Canterlot shopkeepers were bent on giving her the cold shoulder the way that the general populace was, her backup plan to hire a stagecoach to take her back home might also be met with a refusal of service.

“No, Miss Tiara,” stated the clerk, smiling as though the thought had occurred to him. “Equestria Rail Company pays me to sell tickets. If the customer’s willing to pay their fare and they’re not drunk, I can’t refuse them service.” He opened a small box containing some cards with charge account information. “You’re not drunk, are you?”

Diamond Tiara chuckled politely, if not sincerely.

“I’m underage,” she said, taking this exercise as practice for dealing with other ponies who would seek to work her last nerve.

“Just checking,” said the clerk. “Account number?”

“Zero one, zero seven, two zero one one.”

After verifying the validity of Diamond Tiara’s charge account, the clerk tapped a few keys on his ticket printer and a single ticket popped out of a slot. He pressed the ticket down with his right forehoof and slid it forward, separating it from the roll of tickets within.

“There you are,” he said. “One foal fare one-way ticket to Ponyville... and your receipt.” He levitated the ticket and receipt out in front of Diamond Tiara where she could take them. “Track Two. Nine minutes.”

“Thank you, sir,” said Diamond Tiara, tucking the slips of paper inside the neckline of her dress. “Have a nice day.” She turned around and walked to the tracks, pleased with how easily she was able to remain polite despite being provoked.

“I’d give you a one-way ticket to Tartarus,” said the clerk, “but I figure you and your father already have a pair. Next, please.” A line of ponies formed quickly in front of the ticket booth. There was no disagreement among those ponies regarding their placement in the line. It was as though they had dispersed prior to Diamond Tiara’s arrival and were simply reclaiming their former places now that she was leaving.

Diamond Tiara stopped walking and puffed her cheeks out. She took offense to the clerk’s unprofessional comment and wanted to give him a stern talking to but she was outnumbered here and would have come off sounding like a silly gosling honking at a pack of ursa majors. The former bully had just been bullied – but that was okay. She deflated her cheeks and continued to walk to Track Two. She told herself that this would not be the last time she would be given grief and that she’d simply have to get used to it. Suffering further jabs over her past misdeeds would only strengthen her resolve to make amends for them. And she would sooner get mowed down by a train herself than prove Princess Celestia was right about her inability to reform.

Anger was her enemy. And while it was helpful to know her enemies, she wished that she was just as certain about who her allies were.

“Diamond Tiara? Ees dat jou?”

Diamond Tiara turned around and saw the pony that she was expecting to find after hearing the voice that called out to her. It was Zippoorwhill, coincidentally enough. The pegasus filly was hovering about three feet off the ground, which made sense since she was a compulsive hoverer during the Little Miss Equestria beauty pageant and had to be told several times to land. She looked the same, apart from the new cutie mark. Diamond Tiara did receive an invitation to Zippoorwhill’s cute-ceanera which was held in Ponyville last year but since she saw no value in attending an event where she would not be the center of attention, she declined it. This recollection helped her identify another enemy: self-centeredness.

“Oh!” said Diamond Tiara awkwardly. “Zippoorwhill. Hi.”

“Eet ees jou!” chirped Zippoorwhill. “Hola, mí hermanita! Hau are jou?”

“Okay, I guess. How are you?”

“Good. Jou are lookeeng good, ah? Jour mane ees so beeuteeful... and so ees dat outfeet... and so ees dat new tiara! Ay, que linda te ves, niña!”

Diamond Tiara grinned and primped her mane. Knowing that she was beautiful wasn’t quite as gratifying as somepony else acknowledging it.

There’s another enemy I need to defeat, she thought. Vanity. Manure, how many of these character flaws do I have?

“Thanks. Sorry I couldn’t make your cute-ceanera.”

“Aw, dat’s okay.”

“Oh, and congratulations on getting your cutie mark.”

“Thank jou. I theenk jou would hahb liked my cute-ceanera. De Poneetones pairformed dere. Eet was so cool! I lahb leeseneeng to good seengeeng. Jou are so lahky to leeb een Poneebeele. Jou probably hear de Poneetones all de time.”

“Heh, well, yeah, I guess I’ve heard them perform a couple of times already. Are you traveling or are you waiting for somepony?”

“Trabeleeng. To Los Pegasus. Dat’s where my papi and I leeb.”

Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow. If Zippoorwhill knew about Twist’s accident or Cheerilee’s murder, she didn’t let on that she did. Diamond Tiara decided to test the waters regarding that subject.

“And how is your father these days?” she asked.

“Good, good. Hau ees jours?”

Yes, thought Diamond Tiara. She doesn’t know about his trial.

“He’s doing fine, thanks for asking.”

“I deedn’t know jou beeseeted Canterlot. We should hang out together sahmtime.”

Diamond Tiara was taken aback by this suggestion. Could it be that Zippoorwhill didn’t even know about what she did to Twist?

“You’d... want to hang out with me?” she asked.

“Are jou keedeeng? I would lob to hang out weeth jou.”

This is too good to be true, thought Diamond Tiara. If I have a clean slate with her, there’s no harm in keeping her in the dark.

“Jou, Seelber Espoon and me,” said Zippoorwhill. “De tree ob us would hahb so mahch fahn.”

Diamond Tiara flinched.

“That... might be a little hard to arrange,” she said.

“Why?” asked Zippoorwhill.

The train pulled into Track Two. When it came to a stop, the platform was treated to a noisy burst of steam.

“Let’s board. I’ll tell you when we take our seats.”

Diamond Tiara selected a seat and climbed into it. She lay her lower body on its side and waited for Zippoorwhill to acknowledge the harness wheels sticking out of the hemline of her dress.

“Oh, my goodness,” said Zippoorwhill as she sat next to Diamond Tiara. “Wat happained to jour legs?”

Right on cue, thought Diamond Tiara.

“Oh, right,” she said. “This. It’s nothing serious. I just got into a little accident and I need to keep my lower body immobilized in order to heal properly. In a few more weeks, I’ll be able to take this thing off and walk normally.”

Zippoorwhill nodded.

“So jou were sayeeng?” she asked.

“Yeah,” said Diamond Tiara. “So... I sort of screwed things up with Silver Spoon. She and I had a fight... except I did most of the attacking. I hurt her feelings and pretty much destroyed our friendship... but now I see that it was all a big, stupid mistake. And I said some even stupider things to my dad. I actually made him cry. When I get back to Ponyville, I’m gonna have to apologize to both of them but... I’m so afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Terrified is more like it. I don’t know how to face them after the horrible way I treated them. Silver Spoon’s the only pony I ever called a friend. If she doesn’t forgive me – well, I don’t know what I’m gonna do. And my dad means everything to me. I don’t know what I was thinking by mouthing off at him. Rrrgh... I’m such an idiot. I just get so angry so fast and I lose all control. It’s like I’m looking through the eyes of a stranger who doesn’t care what she does as long as she comes out a winner.” Tears began to well up in her eyes and her voice wavered. “Oh, what’s the point in talking about it? I’ve only used my smarts to destroy what I hate. I don’t know the first thing about repairing what I love. My dad’s gonna disown me and Silver Spoon won’t take me back; I just know it. Why would anypony forgive a mean, sheltered, stupid little brat like me?”

“Diamond Tiara?”

“What?”

Zippoorwhill grinned and reached out to Diamond Tiara with her right forehoof.

“Geev me jour hoof,” she requested politely.

Diamond Tiara looked at the pegasus’s outstretched hoof and then looked at her face. Her gentle reassuring grin was oddly inviting. Diamond Tiara barely knew the filly at all and yet here she was – offering her support. Diamond Tiara grinned at Zippoorwhill. This small but meaningful act of kindness reminded her that she was leaving her wicked ways behind. She sniffled, wiped her nose with her right foreleg, and placed her left forehoof in Zippoorwhill’s forehoof.

Zippoorwhill grinned – and proceeded to whack Diamond Tiara in the face with her own hoof repeatedly. She got in three hits before Diamond Tiara was able to yank her foreleg free of her grasp.

When the tweeting birds stopped flying around Diamond Tiara’s head, she stared at Zippoorwhill in disbelief.

“Estop beating jourself up, okay?” barked Zippoorwhill crossly. “Jou deed sahmting estupid? Tell dem jou deed sahmting estupid! Jou’re sorry? Tell dem jou’re sorry!” She cleared her throat.

“It’s not that simple,” said Diamond Tiara, rubbing the spot where Zippoorwhill clocked her.

“Jes, eet ees. Jou are the wahn who escrewed up. Jou should be de wahn to clean up jour own meestakes. Wass so hard about dat? And fear?” Zippoorwhill shook her head slowly. “No, mí hermanita. Jou don’t know what real fear ees – baht I can show jou.”

Diamond Tiara cringed.

“You’re not gonna hit me again, are you?” she asked.

“I deedn’t heet jou, seelly,” said Zippoorwhill. “Jou heet jourself, remember?”

Zippoorwhill carefully removed her own tiara and offered it to Diamond Tiara.

“Could jou hold thees for me, pliss?” Diamond Tiara nodded. She took it in her forehooves and carefully rested it in her lap.

Zippoorwhill placed her forehooves against the left and right sides of her own head. She lifted her forelegs – and removed her mane.

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped. Zippoorwhill was completely bald and had been wearing a wig the whole time. The pegasus sighed and turned her head to look at Diamond Tiara. Her smile disappeared.

“Fear... real fear... ees naht knoweeng eef jou are goeeng to leeb to see tomorrow,” said Zippoorwhill as she placed her wig in her lap. “I was dijagnosed weeth etroat cancer wain I was tree jears ol. De treatment dat de doctors gave me? Ay, caray, dat was bery hard. Celestia mio, I was so escared. I was tired all de time... and I was so seeck that I was sure I was goeeng to die.”

Zippoorwhill’s face suddenly lit up with cheer once again.

“Baht guess wat?” she asked. “I surbibed! My hair wain away and de surgery left my boice soundeeng like I am a Breesee...” Diamond Tiara covered her mouth with her left forehoof as she sputtered with inappropriate laughter at Zippoorwhill’s spot-on observation. “...baht de cancer deeden’t cahm bahk and I surbibed. Now ebery day ees a geeft!” She returned her wig to her head, smiled slyly and gently poked Diamond Tiara in the chest. “Olways open jour geefts wain dey are geeben to jou, Diamond Tiara. Jou neber know wass eenside.” She closed her eyes and gave Diamond Tiara a big smile. “Now... are jou estill afraid ob seeing jour papa and Seelber Espoon?”

Diamond Tiara grinned. She idolized her father and had even admired Princess Celestia for a while but this was the first time she had put a foal on a pedestal. The disgustingly optimistic filly was a fighter with a never-say-die attitude that allowed her to overcome adversity and she didn’t seem to let her losses bring her down.

Even Diamond Tiara had to respect that.

“No,” she replied. “I don’t know what real fear is... but thank you for teaching me what real courage is.”

“Jou’re welcohm,” said Zippoorwhill. Her face contorted in mock anger as she held out her forehoof. “Now geeb me back my fairst rahnner-ahp tiara, jou ethiebeeng beetch.”

Diamond Tiara reared her head back and laughed out loud at Zippoorwhill’s absurd sense of humor.

Train’s coming. Train’s coming. So happy. Happy day. Sunny day. Happy, sunny day to ride a train. Arf. Bad dog.

Diamond Tiara and Zippoorwhill had their faces glued to the window as their train slowed to come to its inevitable stop at Ponyville Station. Diamond Tiara looked off in the distance and saw the bridge where the discontinued tracks still lay; the place where Twist lost her life to her cruel prank. This was her first time seeing the bridge since the accident and she felt a twinge of guilt over keeping this secret from Zippoorwhill.

“There’s a fifteen minute layover until the train leaves for Los Pegasus,” said Diamond Tiara. “Can I treat you to an ice cream cone at the snack bar?”

“Jes, dat would be lobely,” replied Zippoorwhill. “I’ll hahb a vanilla weeth extra rainbow espreenkles, pliss.”

Boarded the train. All aboard. I’m aboard. Train’s going to move soon. Train ride. Train ride. Moving train. Lots of fun. Love sticking my head out of the window of the train as it moves. Don't want to wait until the train starts moving. I'm going to stick my head out the window right now. Pretend that I'm moving. Choo chooooo. Arf. Bad dog.

Wait.

I know who that is. That’s Diamond Tiara. I recognize her from her picture in the paper. Paper said she got a filly killed and didn’t get punished for it. That’s not fair. Stupid little filly. If it had been me, I would’ve been punished. Father wouldn’t let me get away with anything. Father hated me. He loved his dog but hated me. I hated being his little filly so I became his little dog instead. Arf. Bad dog. I was sure that Father would love me as a dog but he just hated me more. I didn’t understand. Didn’t want to be a pony anymore. Stayed a dog. Got punished by being sent to a hospital. Grrrrrr. Bad dog. Doctors gave me drugs. Doctors thought they put the dog to sleep but they don’t know that it’s still there. Living in my head. Hiding. When I skip my meds, I hear it. I hear it bark and I say “bad dog” and it goes back to sleep. Who needs meds when I can keep the dog in check like that? Stupid doctors. Dog stays quiet. Stays put until I need it.

Hope the train moves soon. Don’t want to look at that stupid little filly anymore.

Arf. Bad dog.

Diamond Tiara and Zippoorwhill finished their ice cream cones with several minutes to spare before the train's departure.

“Delicioso,” said Zippoorwhill, wiping her muzzle with a napkin. “Thank jou for de treet, mí hermanita.”

“No prob,” said Diamond Tiara. “Hey, Zip?”

“Jes?”

“Remember when I won the LME pageant and you hugged me?”

“Jes, ob course I do.”

“Well... I was so stunned at the time that I didn’t hug you back. That wasn’t very gracious of me. I don’t know how to change the past but I know that I can affect the present. If it’s not too late, I’d like to give you that overdue return hug right now.”

Zippoorwhill smiled and nodded. She placed her right foreleg around the back of Diamond Tiara’s neck. Diamond Tiara reached out with her right foreleg and squeezed Zippoorwhill.

Diamond Tiara smiled. The hug was better than the ice cream she had enjoyed – and she certainly needed it more.

“I’m gonna miss you, mí hermanita,” she said, releasing the filly. “You gave me courage when I didn’t have any... and I’ll never forget that. We’ll have to get together in Canterlot some time. I’m sure Silver Spoon and I would love to spend the day with you there.”

“I’m lookeeng forwarh to eet,” said Zippoorwhill.

“Thanks to you, today was one of the best gifts I’ve ever been given.”

“Deed jou open dat geeft?”

“Yep.”

“And what deed jou find eenside?”

“A new friend.” Zippoorwhill smiled widely at Diamond Tiara’s discovery. “I’ve got to get going... but you have a safe trip back home, Zip... and say hi to your dad for me.”

“Thanks, I weel. Jou do de same.”

Diamond Tiara waved goodbye as the pegasus filly boarded the train. She turned around and headed home. She wasn’t sure how successful she’d be at winning her father and Silver Spoon back but she was certainly going to give it her all because whether they accepted her apologies or not, she knew that she was going to live to see tomorrow.

And that meant that there was nothing to fear.

What’s this?

No.

Diamond Tiara is getting on my train.

DIAMOND TIARA IS GETTING ON MY TRAIN

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

MY TRAIN MY TRAIN MY TRAIN

DON’T WANT YOU ON MY TRAIN

TRAIN’S MOVING

YOU KILLED SOMEPONY BUT DIDN’T GET PUNISHED AND ALL I DID WAS BECOME A DOG AND I GOT CALLED CRAZY FOR IT

YOUR DADDY LOVES YOU AND MINE HATES ME

MY TRAIN IS ALL I HAVE

NOT FAIR

NOT FAIR NOT FAIR NOT FAIR

DON’T WANT YOU ON MY TRAIN

GET OFF MY TRAIN

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

ARF

ARF ARF ARF

ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF ARF

The seats in Zippoorwhill’s previous train car had filled up during her absence so she had to move to a different car in order to find an empty seat. She started to whistle a happy tune as she looked out the window at the scenery as it whisked by. She would have loved to sing out loud the way her father did at his concerts but singing put too much strain on her surgically repaired larynx, even after all these years.

She looked at the far end of her seat and saw a discarded copy of The Canterlot Voice lying there. She did a double take. What caught her eye was that her pageant photo with Diamond Tiara was on the front page. Naturally, she was curious about why an event from several years ago was in a recent newspaper. She picked up the paper and started to read the story associated with her photo.

Her ears drooped as she discovered what her new friend Diamond Tiara and her father Filthy Rich had really been up to recently. She gulped, staring out into space as she set the newspaper down in her lap. Why would her new friend hide the truth from her?

The train went under a tunnel, temporarily enveloping the train in total darkness.

When the tunnel was cleared and sunlight had returned to illuminate the train, Zippoorwhill looked at the far end of her seat and saw that a passenger was now sitting beside her; an earth pony mare. The mare had a sky blue coat, a messy gray mane, and a screw cutie mark.

“Oh!” said Zippoorwhill to the stranger, startled by the mare’s sudden appearance. “Hola, senorita.” She folded up the newspaper and offered it to the mare. “Was thees jour newspaper?”

The mare slowly turned her head to face her. When her head was fully turned, the mare snarled and growled at her like a mad dog.

Zippoorwhill felt fear.

Real fear.

“Good... dog,” said the mare – right before lunging at the filly and sinking her teeth into her throat.

Apology

Rainbow Dash frowned as she and Fluttershy, flanked by a pair of royal unicorn guards, were escorted into the home of Filthy Rich by a pair of his personal bodyguards.

“This is a complete waste of time, Fluttershy,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash, how can you say that?” scolded Fluttershy. “It’s never a waste of time to show somepony a little kindness. Do you remember the time when your back was bothering you after a long day of cloudbusting and I gave you that backwalk?” Rainbow Dash closed her eyes half way and grinned dreamily as she fondly recalled receiving Fluttershy’s TLC. “You didn’t even have to ask me to do that for you. I saw you in discomfort and I volunteered. That’s how kindness works. You offer it to somepony in need... and that’s what I’m doing now.”

“I’m your friend, though. You’ve never even met Filthy Rich.”

“He did send me a lovely fruit basket on the night of my last runwaymodeling gig. Besides, strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet.”

“Yeah, well, too bad Filthy Rich’s security guards don’t follow that philosophy. You’re the one with a saddlebag and yet we both got searched at the door for weapons.” Rainbow Dash snorted with disgust. “Like I’d even need a weapon if I wanted to hurt him. He’s the one who needed a croquet mallet to-”

“Shhhhhhh!” spat Fluttershy. “He hasn’t been convicted of anything yet so let’s not make things awkward by bringing up allegations, all right?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes.

“Fine. This is your deal. I’ll just hang back, keep my mouth shut, and wait for it to be over.”

“Hello, ladies,” said Filthy Rich as he entered the study, flanked by a pair of bodyguards.

Fluttershy lifted her wings and stared at the stallion.

“Hey,” said Rainbow Dash, returning Filthy Rich’s greeting but avoiding eye contact with him.

“It’s all right, gentlecolts,” said Filthy Rich to his bodyguards. “You can leave us be. My guests are noble heroines and I couldn’t be in safer company.” The bodyguards nodded and left the room.

Rainbow Dash looked at Fluttershy who was standing motionless.

“Well, go on,” said Rainbow Dash. “It was your idea to come see him.”

“Oh, right,” said Fluttershy meekly. “Um, excuse me, Mr. Rich. You might not remember me but my name is...”

“Fluttershy,” confirmed Filthy Rich. He turned to face Rainbow Dash and smiled warmly. “And you’re the one and only Rainbow Dash. Welcome to my home, ladies. I’m honored that you would see fit to grace my abode with your presence. If it weren’t for your heroic exploits, there wouldn’t be an Equestria in which I could operate my stores.” He turned to face Fluttershy. “Miss Fluttershy, you made quite a splash in the fashion world during your modeling debut a while back. I was quite smitten with you when I saw advertisements throughout Ponyville with your face on them. Although now that I have the opportunity to gaze upon your loveliness with my own eyes, I daresay that the cameras did you any justice. You’re even lovelier than I was led to believe.”

Fluttershy blushed and gave an extended giggle.

“Oh, now, stop that, Mister Rich,” she said, covering her face with her mane momentarily. “You’re embarrassing me. Anyway, I know that you’re a very busy stallion but I just wanted to stop by and give you this.” Fluttershy reached into her saddlebag and removed a small package wrapped in a neatly tied floursack towel. “It’s homemade banana bread. There would be more of it but your bodyguards tasted a piece to check if it might have been poisoned – which it wasn’t, of course.”

Filthy Rich smiled.

“Why, thank you, Miss Fluttershy,” he said. “That’s most kind of you.” He sat down and held out his forehoof to accept the bundle but Fluttershy pulled it away quickly.

“Oh, wait!” she spat, looking quite panicked. “You’re not allergic to walnuts, are you?” Filthy Rich shook his head. “Oh, good. Whew!” She placed the bundle in Filthy Rich’s forehooves.

“I apologize if my bodyguards treated you poorly. They were only doing their job. I do hope that you won’t hold their behavior against them – or me.”

“Oh, no, I understand. Safety first.”

“You’re very gracious, Miss Fluttershy... but I must confess to being a bit confused. There are probably hundreds of Ponyvillians more deserving of your time and generosity than me. Why bring me a gift? And, more to the point, why now?”

“Oh, um, the thing is... this might sound kind of weird... but I wanted to bring this to you because... well, because I can sort of empathize with you.”

“Is that so?”

“Yes. When I heard about what happened to your daughter, I asked myself ‘what if it was one of my little animal friends who got hurt by somepony?’ and I think I might have flown off the handle, too.” Fluttershy turned her head. “Um... except for the, uh... marenapping and um... you know, that... other thing that you allegedly did which I don’t believe to be true.”

“Thank you for acknowledging that those are allegations and not fact. I would not and did not do that to anypony.” Rainbow Dash looked away and stuck out her tongue as she pretended to gag. Filthy Rich gestured with the hoof that held the banana bread bundle. “Do you mind if I help myself?”

“Oh, no, not at all,” said Fluttershy. “Go right ahead.”

Filthy Rich opened the package carefully. The fragrant banana bread was pre-cut into small squares, most likely by his bodyguards. He popped a piece into his mouth and chewed. The grin he gave Fluttershy indicated that the flavor was to his liking.

“I know what it’s like to get so upset that you lose your head,” continued Fluttershy. “I don’t know all the facts surrounding your trial... but I believe that you didn’t know how you were going to react to Miss Cheerilee hurting your daughter. Nopony plans to lose control. I believe that you’re really sorry that it happened the way it did. Everypony’s eyes are on you right now and I know how horrible that feels, too. So even though you might feel like nopony is on your side, I want you to know that there’s one pony who at least understands.”

Filthy Rich swallowed.

“Miss Fluttershy,” he said. “I want to tell you something. I have dined in some of the finest restaurants in Equestria and abroad that employ classically trained chefs...” His voice cracked and rose in pitch as his eyes became glossy with tears. “...and nothing I have ever eaten in those establishments meant even half as much to me as this banana bread. I don’t have many supporters. Outside of my daughter, nopony’s given me so much as a kind word since I was charged – until you came along. Your act of kindness and your words have moved me deeply. And I don’t know what else to say except... thank you. You’re an angel.”

Fluttershy smiled as tears welled up in her own eyes.

“Oh, you’re welcome, Mister Rich.” Fluttershy lifted her right foreleg and held it half way. “W-Would it be... completely inappropriate to ask if you’d like... a hug?”

“Yes,” blurted Rainbow Dash. “Yes, it would be.” She walked between Fluttershy and Filthy Rich and pushed her friend toward the front door with her head. “Say goodbye to the nice stallion, Fluttershy. It’s time for us to go. Enjoy your banana bread, Mister Rich.”

“Oh, but... Rainbow Dash, wait,” said Fluttershy. Rainbow Dash ignored the request and continued sliding Fluttershy across the floor in the direction of the exit.

Filthy Rich grinned as he dried his tears with his forehoof and waved to his guests.

“Goodbye, ladies,” he said. “I regret that our paths have never crossed before now, Miss Fluttershy... but I do hope they’ll cross again.”

Fluttershy hung on to the doorway with her forelegs. Rainbow Dash went ahead of her and pulled

“Y-You do?” she asked. “Well... I do make some decent lemon squares. Eep!” Her forelegs finally gave out and Fluttershy was successfully dragged out of the study.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash flew side by side above Ponyville at a casual speed. Both of them were frowning and neither one looked at the other.

“We didn’t have to leave so abruptly, Rainbow Dash,” noted Fluttershy. “He probably thought we were rude.”

“Rude, schmude,” blurted Rainbow Dash. “I had to get out of that place and I wasn’t about to leave you alone with that guy. Celestia, I’ve never seen such shameless flirting in my life.”

“Oh, he was just being nice to me.”

“I was talking about you.”

Fluttershy turned her head to face Rainbow Dash.

“Ah! I wasn’t flirting with him, Dashie!”

“Puh-lease. Even your gift was flirtatious.”

“My banana bread? How is that flirtatious?”

“Are you kidding me? Banana? The most phallic fruit there is?”

“It was banana bread, Dashie, not innuendo bread.”

“The hay it wasn’t. You might as well have brought him a sheet cake with Rut Me written across it in icing.”

“Now you’re just being disgusting.”

“Doesn’t mean I’m not right.”

“In this case, it does because you aren’t.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yes, really.”

“Then fold your wings closed for a second.”

Fluttershy looked at her wings.

“I can’t fold my wings while I’m flying. I’ll fall.”

“You’re not gonna hit the ground if you fall for one second. We’re at least a hundred feet high. Just fold them and then climb back up to this altitude after a second has passed.”

Fluttershy turned her head away and blushed.

“I... I don’t feel like it.”

Rainbow Dash sputtered and laughed.

“Did you think I didn’t notice how those puppies shot straight up when he came into the room? You’ve got the hots for him, Fluttershy. Admit it.”

“I will do no such thing... so please just drop it right now.”

“Good thing you asked me to tag along. Otherwise, who knows what that hug would’ve led to?”

“That’s not dropping it.”

“Which do you think sounds better: Flutterrich or Filthyshy?”

Fluttershy covered her face with her forehooves and bawled. Rainbow Dash’s expression softened as she realized that she had taken her teasing too far.

“Hey, easy now,” said Rainbow Dash. “I was only messing with you.”

“He’s dying, Rainbow Dash. I saw it in his eyes. He knows he’s not going to make it out of this alive. I’ve comforted way too many of my dear, sweet animal friends in their final moments not to know that look when I see it. He made one mistake that’s about to cost him everything and he’s sorry but nopony else is willing to forgive him until he swings from a noose. How would it make you feel to know that a whole town wants you dead and to have just one of those ponies come forward to show you a little kindness?”

“I... Gee. I guess I’d be super grateful and break down like he did.”

“And how would you feel if one of your friends teased you about suddenly finding the stallion of your dreams only to have your heart broken by the pulverizing realization that that stallion’s days are numbered and that there was nothing you could do about it?”

Rainbow Dash winced.

“I’d feel like that friend was being an insensitive jerk. I’m sorry, Fluttershy... and I hate to say it but no matter how you look at it, he took a life. You know there’s a price to pay for that.”

“I know. I wasn’t planning on falling for him, honestly. I really did just want to make somepony feel better... but he was so polite, charming, and handsome that he just melted my heart. And he likes me, too! Oh, what are the odds that a stallion as wonderful as he is would be attracted to a plain mare like me?”

“Uh, Fluttershy? You were a successful model for a little while. Being attractive is kind of a requirement to enter that field. It’s not that hard to believe that a stallion could fall for you. And it’s just my two bits but I think you’re opening yourself up to a world of hurt by crushing on this guy.”

“Crushes are for foals. Filthy Rich is my soulmate. I know it.”

Fluttershy’s eyes opened widely and she gasped.

“Are you okay?” asked Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy’s face lit up with excitement.

“Oh, my gosh!” she gushed. “I know how I can help him!”

“Help him what? Beat his rap?”

“Yes!”

“I dunno. Even if you could, is that really such a wise move? I mean, I’m no GeRM but I do think that he should be punished.”

Fluttershy’s mouth hung open while her eyes fixed on Rainbow Dash. Moments later, her excitement disappeared and she concentrated on where she was flying.

“Well?” asked Rainbow Dash. “What’s this plan of yours?”

“Oh, i-it’s nothing.”

“Don’t give me that. I know you too well, ‘shy. You obviously had an plan a second ago and now you’re afraid to share it with me because you think that I won’t like it. So now that we’ve established that you’re holding out on me, you might as well tell me what it is now because I’m gonna stick to you like glue until you do.”

“Um... I... Well... The first part involves... a trip to Cloudsdale. Bye!”

Fluttershy flew towards Cloudsdale so fast that she left Rainbow Dash spinning.

“Yaaahhh!” yelped Rainbow Dash. Steadying herself, she looked up at the sky and didn’t see a trace of her friend. “Fluttershy, wait up! What do you need in Cloudsdale?” She zoomed after Fluttershy, hoping to find her somewhere on the streets of their hometown.

Fluttershy stuck her head out of a cloud in which she had hidden herself. She looked up at where Rainbow Dash had vanished.

“You, Rainbow Dash,” she whispered as she flew back down to Ponyville.

“YOU WHAT??” squawked Rarity.

“I’m sorry, Rarity,” replied Sweetie Belle as she curled up into a tiny ball on the carpet of Carousel Boutique’s showroom. “I didn’t know what else to do. We were desperate for Spike’s help and it was the only thing I could think of that would get him to budge.”

The fashionista placed the underside of her right forehoof against her forehead and emitted a soft, sustained groan.

“Sweetie Belle,” she said. “You’ve put me in some troublesome predicaments before but this time you’ve surpassed your personal best by leagues. And your timing couldn’t have been any worse, what with Pinkie Pie still missing and those pesky Guilty Rich Movement ponies walking about. If it wasn’t for those GeRMs, I wouldn’t have this ridiculous sign in my window just to keep them from harassing my shop during business hours.” She pointed to the sign in question. It featured a logo of Filthy Rich’s cutie mark with prison bars in front of them.

The bell above the front door rang. A pegasus mare dressed in a maid uniform entered the shop.

“Welcome to Carousel Boutique,” said Rarity. “May I help you?”

“Yes,” said the mare. “Bridalwear?”

Rarity pointed to a rack.

“On the far right,” she said. “Do let me know if you need any further assistance.” The pegasus nodded.

“They made you put that in your window?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Not exactly. I saw one of these in the window of Sugarcube Corner. When I asked Mrs.Cake about it, she said that she too had been harassed by the movement and that, after putting up the sign, she hadn’t been visited by a member since. I decided to borrow her idea and it’s worked for me so far. The sooner Filthy Rich is convicted of his crimes, the better off all Ponyville business owners will be.” Rarity trotted to her front door, opened it, and took a look outside. She spotted several royal guards patrolling the streets in pairs and she sighed. “Oh, where, oh, where has my once sane and orderly little hometown gone?”

“It didn’t go anywhere,” said Sweetie Belle, raising an eyebrow. “It’s right outside.”

“That was a rhetorical question, darling.”

“Oh. Anyway, it’s just one date. Just tell Spike to keep his tongue in his own mouth and you should be fine.”

“This is about more than his kissing technique, darling. Spikey-wikey is a sensitive little dragon.” Rarity began to pace back and forth in front of Sweetie Belle. “If I don’t hold up your end of the bargain, the poor dear will be devastated by the rejection. I’m backed into a corner... and now I’ll have no choice but to have the conversation with Spike that I’ve been putting off.”

“What conversation is that?”

Rarity walked over to the window and telekinetically parted the drapes.

“The one where I tell him that I don’t have the same kind of feelings for him as he has for me,” she said.

“Oh.” Sweetie Belle scratched her head. “Is that hard?”

“It is when he and I are friends.” Rarity turned her head back and glared at her little sister. “It was unfair of you to dangle something in front of him as tempting as a date with me that ends with a kiss. The poor dear had no choice but to accept your terms. I mean, really – what stallion would decline an offer like that?”

“Apple Bloom’s cousin Braeburn?” guessed Sweetie Belle.

Rarity rolled her eyes and sighed.

“What straight stallion would decline an offer like that?” she asked, resubmitting the question.

“Mr. Cake?”

“What single, strai- Are you going to answer every rhetorical question I ask?!”

Sweetie Belle recoiled and remained silent as Rarity’s ill temper subsided.

“Yes,” replied Sweetie Belle coolly. “Yes, I am.”

“I’ll go on the date with Spike but I shan’t kiss him. It would make things far too awkward between us.”

“Aw, c’mon, Rarity.” Sweetie Belle galloped to Rarity’s side and slowly nuzzled her big sister’s right foreleg. “If you don’t kiss him, that’ll make me a welsherrrr. Nopony in town will take my word for anything ever again.”

“Hmph!” Rarity turned her nose up. “Serves you right for bartering with my lips, you little jackanapes.” She levitated the drapes and enveloped Sweetie Belle within them. After wrapping her up snugly, Rarity smirked as she used her forehooves to tickle Sweetie Belle who screeched and squealed with laughter from the assault. “You should consider yourself lucky that I’m agreeing to the date at all.” Setting her forelegs back on the floor, she released her magical hold on the drapes and walked away. “Perhaps next time, you’ll settle your debts with currency you actually own.” Sweetie Belle stumbled out from the drapes and rolled onto her back, huffing and puffing to catch her breath.

Rarity hopped onto the platform in front of her three full length showroom mirrors to admire herself. She was stunning as usual, which came as no surprise to her, but she knew that beauty was only hide deep. And time, that master thief, would rob her of her youth and with it the comeliness that she worked so hard to maintain. Time was precisely why she and Spike could never have anything beyond friendship.

“I think that the real problem here is that you’re looking at this the wrong way.” Sweetie Belle stood up on all fours and trotted over to Rarity. “Kissing Spike could actually be one of the best decisions you’ll ever make.”

“Oh, this should be good,” scoffed Rarity. She turned in place and smirked as she lay down. She planted her elbows on the platform and rested her jaw upon her forehooves. “How, pray tell, could kissing a dragon come even close to eclipsing anything I’ve accomplished thus far? I entreat you to enlighten me with your logic.”

Sweetie Belle glared at Rarity.

“You don’t have to be so snotty with me,” stated Sweetie Belle.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that you’re making what I feel is an outrageous claim and I suspect that you haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.” Rarity extended her right foreleg and gestured upward and outward to the boutique. “You happen to be standing in one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. You’re saying that kissing Spike could be on par with starting my boutique. If you can make me eat my words, then have at it – but you can’t fault me for being skeptical.”

“Okay, so let’s say that you stick to a strict diet, exercise every day, get regular checkups from your doctor and do all that other stuff to stay healthy. You live to the ripe old age of a hundred years old... and then one night – plop! You poop in your bed. I’m just kidding. You live to be a hundred and then one night – plop! You pass away painlessly in your sleep of natural causes. Now... if you went on that date with Spike but didn’t kiss him, you’d be dead and gone.”

“But if I did kiss him?”

Sweetie Belle smiled.

“But if you did kiss him,” she continued, “well... technically, you’d still be dead and gone, but Spike’s first kiss... um, it would be his first kiss, right?”

“I would imagine so.”

“Spike’s first kiss will stay in his memory for as long as he lives... which could be a few thousand years. Just picture it: he’ll be sitting in front of a bonfire just outside of Ponyville telling a bunch of his pony friends about the time he kissed the most beautiful mare who ever lived. He’ll tell the story so often and with such detail that poets will write odes about you. Musicians will compose symphonies in honor of you. Sculptors will be inspired to capture your beauty in stone. Future generations of lovers and dreamers all over Equestria will consider the passion of Rarity the unicorn as the yardstick by which all romance should be measured.”

Sweetie Belle closed her eyes and sighed dreamily.

“And it might just be me but I can’t think of anypony worthier of a monument as romantic as that than my very own big sister – even if she’s an enormous snot sometimes.”

Rarity pondered her little sister’s point. She stared into space and scratched her chin. Death was inevitable but to be remembered as an icon of romance and beauty for millennia after her demise was not. The idea catered to her ego and it would be a far greater tribute than any accolade she might receive for being a fashion designer. And the price that she would have to pay for that legacy was so small that it was almost negligible. She looked at Sweetie Belle quizzically.

“You’ve given this quite a bit of thought, haven’t you?” asked Rarity.

“Meh,” said Sweetie Belle smugly as she gave Rarity a quick shrug. “A little. It’s just common sense, really. So... how are those words tasting about now?”

Rarity stared at the floor and gave a pensive snort.

“Very well. I shall present Spike with the option to kiss me.” She looked back at Sweetie Belle. “But I shall first present him with my reasons for why he shouldn’t. Once I’ve spoken my piece, the choice will be his to make. Que sera sera.”

“Yes!” shouted Sweetie Belle. She bounced into the air and landed on all four hooves. “Thanks, Rarity. You’ve saved my reputation.”

“Tell me,” said Rarity. “Did Scootaloo write that little speech for you?”

Sweetie Belle frowned.

“None of your business, Snotty McSnotface,” she said.

“She did, didn’t she?” Rarity grinned at her little sister.

Sweetie Belle puffed up her cheeks.

“Your dresses suck!” she yelled.

The pegasus mare, with a dress and veil draped over her back, approached the checkstand and set the garments down on the counter.

“I’ll take these,” said the mare.

Rarity trotted to the counter and rang up her customer. She bagged up the garments and gave the bag to the mare.

“Thank you very much for your business, miss,” chirped Rarity. “Have a lovely day and please drop in again.” The mare took the bag in her mouth, bowed in thanks, and left the shop. Rarity walked back to Sweetie Belle with a swagger and a smirk. “Do five thousand bits suck, little sister? Because that’s what I just made in that one sale. That’s our Manehattan vacation money. That is, it was our vacation money. I don’t know that we should leave town at all this summer if my dresses suck. Why, a problem as dire as that should be addressed immediately and could take several years to correct.”

“Fine, I take it back,” growled Sweetie Belle. She looked at the front door. “Gee. You’d think a nice boss would give their maid some time off from work to shop for her wedding dress.”

“Well, that mare might not have been a real maid.”

“Then why would she wear a maid uniform?”

Rarity blinked and chewed on her lip.

“I’ll... tell you when you’re a little older,” she replied.

Judge Harshly was escorted into the study of Filthy Rich’s mansion. He found a stallion there that he wasn’t expecting to see.

“Haul Goodwagon?” he asked.

“Judge Harshly,” greeted Haul. “Judging – no pun intended – by the look on your face, I’m going to hazard a guess and say that you also have no idea why Mister Rich sent for you.”

“You’d be right. I just received a message saying that he required my services immediately and that I’d be well compensated for my time. No further details.”

“I received a similar message. Looks like we’re both in for a surprise.”

Filthy Rich entered the study with a smile on his face.

“Gentlecolts,” he said. “I’d delighted that you could make it on such short notice.”

“What’s this about, Richard?” asked Judge Harshly.

“I suppose I could tell you what this is about... but why don’t I show you instead?”

Filthy Rich opened the study door and a pony entered.

Haul’s jaw dropped. It was the reaction Filthy Rich was hoping to see.

“So this is why you needed me, eh, Richard?” asked Judge Harshly, adjusting his glasses.

“Rich,” said Haul. “I don’t know how you did it but we might have a shot at this.” He chuckled heartily as he dug into his briefcase. “My Celestia, if this is legit, we seriously might still have a shot at this!”

Princess Twilight Sparkle lay on the highest cloud that hung above Canterlot Castle as she was instructed to do in the message that she received from Princess Celestia the day before. Twilight sighed and decided to have a refreshment while she waited for her mentor to arrive. She telekinetically removed a tuft from her cloud and conjured a small vial of lemon-lime cloud flavor enhancer. After administering a few drops of the liquid to the cloud, she swirled it until the tuft turned green. She then moved it above her head, tilted her head back, and struck the tuft with her forehoof, causing lemon-lime flavored precipitation to fall into her open mouth. When the tuft exhausted itself, she swallowed her drink.

Twilight’s left ear rotated as she heard a distinctive beating of wings; wings that were larger than those of the average pegasus. Moments later, Princess Celestia rose up from underneath the cloud and sat on it, facing Twilight with a smile.

“Hello, Twilight,” said Celestia.

“Hello, Your Highness,” said Twilight.

“I must say – you’ve looked better.”

“So I’ve been told.”

“By whom?”

“By my parents. I visited them earlier today.”

“How are they?”

“Good. They’re collaborating on a parenting book titled We Raised a Prince and a Princess – And So Can You!”

“Well, if any two ponies are better qualified to instruct others on foal rearing, I should like to meet them.”

“I read their rough draft. They’re including these anecdotes about Shining and me when we were foals. It’s so embarrassing. If they weren’t donating all the proceeds of the book to charity, I’d be so ticked off at them.”

“But Twilight, it’s every parent or guardian’s inalienable right to embarrass the children in their care... and there’s a very good reason for that.” Celestia smiled. “It’s because it’s so much fun!” Celestia repeatedly tapped her chin with her forehoof. “Come to think of it, it’s been a while since I’ve embarrassed somepony. Follow me, please.” Celestia dove toward the castle and Twilight followed.

The alicorns landed in the castle garden where a few guards were out on patrol. Celestia approached the nearest guard and looked him squarely in the eye.

“Captain,” she said. “Summon every guard in the palace here at once.”

“Yes, Your Highness,” said the guard. He produced a bugle and blew three long notes. In moments, the many guards of Canterlot Castle had assembled in the garden around the princess. Twilight found herself stepping farther and farther away from Celestia so as not to block anypony’s line of sight to the princess.

These poor guards have no idea they’re going to be embarrassed to pieces by her, thought Twilight.

“Thank you all for coming,” said Princess Celestia. “I have called you here for an urgent matter so please pay close attention to what I am about to say. You have all sworn an oath to obey my commands without question and I have a command for you now. For the next few minutes, you are no longer my royal guards. Instead, you will be a simple gathering of stallions. In other words, I want you all to act as though you were off duty. I want your natural reactions as I read you something. Stomp once if you understand me.” The guards stomped once in unison. Celestia’s horn lit up as she conjured a piece of red construction paper in the shape of a heart which she levitated in front of her. “I want to read to you from this hoofmade Hearts and Hooves Day card that was given to me by Princess Twilight Sparkle when she was a little filly during her first year at my School For Gifted Unicorns.”

Twilight gasped.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” she screamed.

“‘Dear Princess Celestia, I love you.’”

“Awwwwwww,” cooed the guards.

Twilight attempted to fly away but Celestia cast a second levitation spell to keep her protégé from leaving the immediate area.

“‘You are so very beautiful and I love absolutely everything about you. And you smell nice, too.’”

Twilight covered her ears with her forehooves and her face with her wings.

“I’m not list-en-iiiiiiiing,” sang Twilight. “Winter wrap-up, winter wrap-uuuuuuuuup...”

“I want to be just like you when I grow up. I gave you this card because...” Celestia held her right forehoof over her mouth and laughed. “Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, my goodness! I forgot this part!” She cleared her throat and reread the sentence. “‘I gave you this card because I don’t like boys.’”

The guards exploded with laughter. At least one responded with a wolf whistle.

“Hey!” shouted Twilight, sitting up and uncovering her beet red face so that she could scan the guards for the one who wolf whistled. “I heard that! That’s not funny! I like boys now! I just didn’t like them then!”

“‘I hope you have a happy Hearts and Hooves Day, Your Highness. Love, Twilight Sparkle. Ex-oh-ex-oh-ex-oh-ex-oh-ex-oh.’” Celestia made the card vanish. “Everypony, let’s have a big round of applause for my adorable faithful student, Princess Twilight Sparkle.”

The guards turned around to face Twilight. They cheered and applauded Twilight with stomps.

Twilight leered at Celestia disdainfully.

“Thank you for your time, gentlecolts,” said Celestia. “You may now return to your duties.” The guards bowed and departed for their posts. Celestia walked to where Twilight sat and grinned at her. “So how is the trial going?”

Twilight did not reply. She continued to leer at Celestia.

“What’s wrong, Twilight?” asked Celestia, smiling playfully at her former student. “Don’t you love me anymore?” She tilted her head at a silly angle. “Or perhaps I don’t smell as nice as I used to.”

Twilight grinned, unable to stay mad at Celestia for very long.

“The trial has been exhausting. Listening to attorneys drone on for hours on end and then going home to read book after book on criminal law just so that I can keep up with it all is draining all of my energy. I hate the patronizing tone in their voices when they dumb things down for me so that I can understand.”

“You mean it’s not just Filthy Rich’s attorney berating you?”

“I wish! The D.A. is just as bad! You should hear the way those smarmy parasites get in their digs at me for being green while staying juuuust outside of being flat out disrespectful. They think I don’t belong on that bench. And I know – I... know – that if I gave them a warning, they’d laugh behind my back like a couple of schoolyard bullies. Here I am, wrestling with my conscience over trying to reach the most ethical decision possible because I actually care that somepony’s life hangs in the balance – but for them, it’s business as usual! Just another day at the office.”

Twilight deepened her voice to mimic a pair of stallion’s voices.

“‘Mornin’, Ralph. ‘Mornin’, Sam. Your client’s getting hanged tomorrow, huh? Yeah, he didn’t have a prayer after that amazing closing argument of yours knocked the judge’s horseshoes off. Yeah, but you had me on the ropes for a while there with those character witnesses. You really forced me to step up my game. Thanks. Well, better luck next time. No hard feelings, right, Sam? Never. Coffee? Only if you’re buying.’”

“They don’t care,” continued Twilight in her normal voice. “Why should they? They’re still getting paid. And how could they care? You’ve got to have a soul to have compassion, right? There’s no way a pony could pursue a career in law and keep their soul intact. No wonder there are corrupt judges; the whole system invites indifference and corruption! I used to think that justice was about fairness. Now I see how naïve I was. It’s all a feeding frenzy where what you get depends on the size of the jaws of the shark that you can afford to bite on your behalf. But the worst part of this whole experience is that I can’t share the details of the case with my support structure. Applejack’s honesty, Rainbow Dash’s loyalty... I never realized how dependent I’ve become upon my friends’ perspectives to get by. I can’t even talk about the case with you! It’s maddening! It’s Tartarus! It’s...”

Twilight frowned.

“...Anti-friendship,” she hissed. “But I’m not planning on letting you down, Princess. I have never failed a test in my life and I don’t intend to start now... but it’s stressful; so stressful that I don’t even remember why you summoned me here today.”

“You were summoned here today so that we might discuss the finer points of... botany.”

“Botany? Ohhhhhhhhhhh. Right. Botany.” Twilight pointed to the sky. “Back to the cloud?”

Princess Celestia nodded and both alicorns took to the air to return to their previous cloud. After making themselves comfortable, Princess Celestia cleared her throat.

“I shall now tell you what I know of ambrosia blossoms,” she said. “But first, you must swear to me on your honor as a princess that you will never reveal what I am about to tell you.”

“Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye,” recited Twilight.

Celestia chuckled.

“Ah, time; you tireless censor, you,” she said. “Twilight, did you know that the playground oath you just recited is a watered down version of its original phrasing?”

“No. What was its original phrasing?”

“It was – and I quote: ‘Cross my heart and hope to die, stick a needle in my eye’.”

“Ouch. That’s pretty extreme for a playground oath.”

“The playgrounds of old were very extreme by today’s standards.”

“Y’know, I thought the ‘hope to fly’ portion of the oath was kind of a weak penalty. If a pegasus made that swear, the ‘hope to fly’ part isn’t even a punishment. They can already fly; no hope required.”

“Now then – you’ve been to the gates of Tartarus before... and a brave unicorn can visit that place quite easily... but only alicorns may visit and enter... the gates of Elysium.”

Twilight’s eyes widened.

“You’ve been to Elysium?” she asked.

“I have,” said Celestia. “And so have my sister and your sister-in-law. It’s a delightful place. Now that you’ve become an alicorn, you are eligible to visit it. Would you like to join me on my next trip there?”

Twilight smiled. She was being invited to see the paradise reserved for ponies who lived a good life – and while she was still alive, to boot.

“Yes, I’d love to!” she replied.

“Splendid. Luna, Cadance and I go there occasionally to relax when the pressures of ruling our provinces take their toll on us. Cadance came with us for a while but has declined further visits due to her dedication to the Crystal Empire and her devotion to your brother. Ambrosia blossoms are edible flowers indigenous to Elysium’s golden fields. They’re unquestionably the sweetest, most delicious flower I’ve ever eaten... and quite possibly the most delicious food item an alicorn could ever eat.”

“Better than a three layer chocolate cake?”

“I’ll put it this way: if one were to top a three layer chocolate cake with ambrosia blossoms, they would be ruining some perfectly good ambrosia blossoms.”

“Ooh,” cooed Twilight.

“...and I believe you know of my fondness for le gateau.”

“I believe I do.”

“In addition to their incomparable flavor, ambrosia blossoms have special properties. They take one’s mind off of one’s troubles. The effect is only temporary but long lasting and undeniably enjoyable.”

“They sound harmless enough... so why all the secrecy?”

“If my subjects became aware of the existence of ambrosia blossoms, I’m afraid that a formal request would be made for the blossoms to be made available to the general public. And I wouldn’t want to refuse them... but I would. There are many things I would do for my subjects but I have no intention of becoming a blossom farmer for them.”

“You’ve got to draw the line somewhere.”

“Exactly. Nor do I intend to put you, Cadance, or Luna to work in the fields squandering your magical energy harvesting flowers when you could be called upon at any moment to defend our land. What my subjects don’t know won’t hurt them and Cadance and Luna have sworn to keep the blossoms a secret. I refuse to bring even a single blossom back to earth with me – not after what happened the last time.”

“What happened the last time?”

“A few centuries ago, I brought one ambrosia blossom to the village elder of a zebra village in the Everfree Forest. Zimbabwe was her name. She was an alchemist just like your friend Zecora. I gave Zimbabwe the blossom in the hope that she could study it and perhaps find some other uses for it. Naturally, she had never seen such a flower and was eager to experiment with it. A week later, when I returned to the village to see if any progress had been made, she claimed that the flower had been stolen by Majununi, a creature of zebra folklore. I didn’t want to accuse them of taking the blossom for themselves so I simply let it go – and never asked the zebras for their help again.”

“Is there a reason why you suspected they were lying? Maybe this Majununi really did take the ambrosia blossom.”

“It’s possible... but highly unlikely. In any case, the blossoms are better off in my care. I don’t know what would happen if a non-alicorn were to ingest one and there’s no need to find out because I won’t make them available to non-alicorns. I don’t even know if their seeds can be grown on Equestrian soil. I do know that consuming too many of the flowers in too short a time can dull the senses so be mindful of that when you partake of them. Discovering one’s tolerance level can be tricky. The blossoms are as intoxicating as they are delicious. Compared to ambrosia blossoms, a mug of Sweet Apple Acres cider might as well be a bottle of Snaffle iced tea.”

“Have you tried the peach flavor Snaffle?”

“Oh, yes, I adore peach Snaffle. It’s most refreshing. The ability to forget one’s troubles via the blossoms has its advantages but one must always attend to one’s responsibilities. For this reason, I believe that your visit should wait until after the Filthy Rich trial has ended. I suspect you’ll need more than a few blossoms to deal with its conclusion.”

“Oh, the blossoms are just the beginning! I can’t wait to talk to the ponies who’ve gone before me. All the great thinkers, scientists, pioneers, and philosophers... Friedrich Neightzsche... Martin Haydegger... Susan B. Anthoneigh... Aristrotle... OH! And how could I forget? Starswirl The Bearded! Joy of joys!” Twilight smiled and clapped her forehooves together three times.

“I’m sorry, Twilight, but that’s simply not possible.”

Twilight pouted.

“What?” she asked. “Why not?”

“While Elysium is indeed the home for the spirits of the noble dead, we alicorns can neither see nor interact with them. Nor can those spirits see or interact with a living alicorn. We inhabit the same space as those spirits but we exist on two different planes... and ne’er the twain shall meet.”

“So it’s just an enormous empty field?” asked a crestfallen Twilight. “Not even an angel?”

“No. Oh, there is Surebrec, the giant three-bodied dog guarding the gates.”

“Th...Three-bodied dog??”

Twilight’s face contorted as she tried to wrap her mind around the notion of a reverse Cerberus.

“That was a joke, Twilight,” said Celestia. “There’s no such thing as a three-bodied dog.”

“Oh! Ha ha! I am so gullible. If you’ll pardon me for saying so, Princess, the way you describe Elysium makes it sound kind of lackluster to somepony like me who grew up in Canterlot.”

Celestia stood up and smiled confidently.

“Spoken like a pony who hasn’t seen it while under the influence of an ambrosia blossom,” she said. “Come. Let us retire to my dining hall. There’s an extra large box of Donut Joe donuts due to arrive there at any moment and I could use somepony to assist me by eating the plain donuts that have made their way into the assortment.”

“Thank you, Princess, I am so hungry – wait, I only get to eat the plain ones?? Come on, Your Highness! At least let me have a Prench cruller.”

“Out of the question, Twilight.” Celestia closed her eyes and held her head high in a regal fashion. “You get the plain ones or none at all...” She opened one eye and grinned. “...unless you think you can beat me to the dining hall table in a race.”

Twilight grinned with confidence as her competitive juices began to flow.

“You’re on, Princess.”

“Here are the rules: no magic – and crashing into anypony results in an automatic disqualification. First one to touch any part of the dining room table with any part of their anatomy wins.”

“Agreed. Though it’s only fair to warn you that I’ve been training with Rainbow Dash and my precision flying has seen quite a bit of improvement.”

Celestia conjured a racing light. Once the green light flashed, the alicorns dove off of the cloud together to see who the faster flier was. As much as Twilight looked forward to eating non-plain donuts, her curiosity regarding the ambrosia blossoms was sufficiently piqued. She was one of four beings in all the land eligible to partake of this rare delicacy. And with Celestia personally vouching for the ambrosia blossoms, she could barely wait to try one.

Rarity knocked on the door to Spike’s room in Ponyville Castle.

“Spike?” she called out. “Are you in?”

The door to Spike’s room opened slowly.

“Oh. Hi, Rarity.” Spike wrung his claws with worry and sweat poured down his head. “So, listen, about that date...”

“Yes, that’s why I’m here, actually. Does tonight at six o’clock work for you?”

Spike’s jaw dropped.

“Yes,” he peeped.

“Do you like Gallopini’s restaurant?”

“Yes.”

“See you there at six. Wear your tux and don’t be late.”

“Okay.”

“Oh, and Spike?”

“Yes.”

“Do be a dear and use some mouthwash before stepping out. Use peppermint if possible. It’s my favorite flavor.”

Rarity closed the door behind her. She made a left to visit her room of the castle and grinned when she heard the soft thud of Spike fainting on his floor.

Diamond Tiara’s right forehoof hovered over the doorbell on the gate of her home’s intercom system. She was hesitant to press it and had been for the last twenty minutes. She flinched as the gates opened on their own. She reasoned that somepony must have been watching the front and spotted her. She sighed and walked slowly through the gates. She had lost count of how many times she had complained that the walk from the gate to the front door was long. Now it wasn’t long enough.

“You can do this, Diamond Tiara,” she said to herself. “Zippoorwhill’s got your back.”

Randolph opened the front door and stepped to one side, allowing Diamond Tiara to enter. She saw her father sitting on the couch.

“Hi, Dad,” she said softly.

“Hello, Diamond Tiara,” said Filthy Rich. He looked at the top of his daughter’s head. “I see you’ve bought yourself a new tiara.”

Diamond Tiara shook her head.

“I won this,” she said. “But I also lost something. I lost the respect of the stallion who raised me... the stallion who loved me... the stallion who brought me into the world. Although, right about now, I don’t know how you feel about having that distinction.” She walked closer to him and stood in front of where he sat. “I’ve brought shame upon you. I’ve pissed all over the family name; the name that you’ve worked so hard to make special. And... I made you cry. There’s no excuse for that. There’s no excuse for anything that I’ve done. I’ve been a dirty, rotten ingrate and I’m so sorry. I’d ask you for your forgiveness if I thought for one second that I deserved it. So instead of asking for it, I have a proposition for you. You’re a businesspony; the best in Equestria. And any good businesspony is always open to listening to a good proposition, right?”

“I’m listening.”

“I’ve had a revelation, Daddy. I see now that the way that I’ve been going about things has been totally wrong. I recognize my behavior for what it is: complete selfishness. I could ask you for your forgiveness but if I’m so keen on stuff that I’ve earned on my own, how could asking you for it be anything but more selfishness? And if you were to just give it to me, what would you be getting out of it? So here’s my proposal.”

Diamond Tiara licked her lips.

“I’m gonna dedicate the rest of my life to earning that forgiveness from you – fair and square. I’d be kidding myself if I thought I could undo the damage I’ve done... but what I can do is make smart choices from now on. Good choices. The right kind of choices that help others. The poor. The sick. The needy. I’ve got so many helpful things planned for the future that it’s making my head spin. Everypony that I can help, I will help. And one day, ponies the world over are gonna look at me as I walk by and say ‘That’s Filthy Rich’s daughter. He must be so proud of her.’”

Filthy Rich grinned.

“This is really what you want to do?” he asked.

“More than you know,” replied Diamond Tiara.

“All right. I’ve heard your proposition... and I must say that I like what I’m hearing. In fact, I’d say that you’ve sold me on this idea. I’ll withhold my forgiveness for now and see how you do. If you can turn yourself around and I see a legitimate level of improvement, you’ll have earned my forgiveness.”

“That’s all I ask.” She turned her head and dug at the carpet with her left forehoof. “Well, that – and that you not throw me out on the street. I’m not that independent just yet.”

Filthy Rich chuckled.

“This is your home, Diamond Tiara,” he said. “You may have to earn my forgiveness... but you’ll always have my love and support.”

Diamond Tiara smiled. She fidgeted for want of giving him a hug but she refrained from doing so since it might have been too much too soon. Instead, she saluted him.

“I guess I’ll go wash up for dinner,” she said. “I’m famished.”

“Me too. See you in the dining room. Oh, and we’ll be having a special surprise guest coming over for dinner tomnorrow.”

“Oh? Anypony I know?”

Filthy Rich grinned.

“If you don’t, you will soon.”

Diamond Tiara nodded, turned around, and walked toward the corridor that led to her room. She was so giddy with happiness over having mended her relationship with her father that she was on the verge of tears. Her pace came to an abrupt halt, having almost bumped into Randolph.

“Oops, please excuse me, mistress,” he said.

Diamond Tiara looked at Randolph’s face and she smiled. She crouched with her forelegs, launched her upper body toward him, and hugged his neck.

“I love you, Randolph,” she said, squeezing him tightly. “There, I said it. I’ll do you one better: you’re like family to me.” She nuzzled his cheek enthusiastically. “Did you know that?”

“Uh... no, mistress, I didn’t,” replied Randolph.

“Well, you are. I’ll talk to my dad about giving you a raise. You deserve it for putting up with my crap all these years; crap which I swear you’ll never have to deal with ever again.” Diamond Tiara released Randolph and landed on her hooves and wheels. “See you at dinner.” She walked to her room, grinning and humming a tune along the way.

Randolph stood in the hallway, dumbfounded by what had just taken place.

“Are you all right, Randolph?” asked a kitchen assistant who happened to be walking by.

“Diamond Tiara just hugged me and told me that she loved me.”

“The mistress was actually... nice to you?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know whether to be frightened or... no, never mind. I’m frightened. Very frightened.”

“Not as much as I am.”

Gallopini’s was usually Ponyville’s liveliest five star restaurant. On this night, however, the turnout was much smaller because Rarity had reserved the entire restaurant for Spike and herself. Special guest pianist Frederick Horseshoepin was at the grand piano stationed at the far end of the restaurant and he played a sweeping romantic tune for the two friends’ listening enjoyment. Spike was dressed in his gala tuxedo while Rarity wore a stylish black dress and had her mane styled in an updo that brought to mind Audrey Hoofburn’s look in the movie Breakfast at Tiffwhinny’s.

“How was your meal?” asked Rarity.

“My compliments to the chef! The carrot and aquamarine soup was exquisite, the portobello emerald loaf with garnet mashed potatoes was succulent, and the rubies jubilee...” Spike brought his right claw to his lips and made a kiss sound as he drew his claw away. “...was cooked to perfection. It was the best meal that any dragon has ever had. No contest. You might even say it was... flawless! Heh heh heh!”

Rarity giggled politely at Spike’s pun.

“I’m so glad to hear that you enjoyed it,” she said.

“Are you sure I can’t pick up the check? I can, you know.”

“Oh, that’s so sweet of you to offer but it’s already been taken care of. Mrs. Gallopini, Mister Gallopini’s wife, is a regular customer of mine and arrangements were made for our meals in advance. I provided the cooking staff with the gems for your selections and they provided the labor and equine food selections for me.” Spike nodded. “But we’re not leaving just yet.”

Rarity’s right forehoof drifted toward her neck and she rested it atop her fire ruby necklace.

“Do you remember the day you gave this to me, Spike?” she asked.

“How could I forget? That was around the time I turned into that giant monster and ran amuck in Ponyville. I’m lucky Twilight’s dragon insurance policy was paid up. If she hadn’t become an alicorn princess, she would’ve had to get a second job just to be able to afford the monthly premiums.”

“You weren’t the only one who turned into a monster, you know.”

“Oh?”

“I turned into the green-eyed variety, if you get my meaning. I was convinced that you eating that fire ruby would have been a waste. I had a feeling that, given your fondness for me, you would have given it to me if I made my desire for it apparent. And that’s exactly what you did. I’m not destitute. At the very least I could have offered to purchase it from you or exchange it with a larger quantity of slightly lower quality gems. But instead, I decided to take advantage of your feelings for me and I got it for free. And later on, I felt awful for manipulating you... and I must confess that the guilt over my actions has never completely left me.”

“But I wanted you to have it, Rarity. You’ve never asked me for anything before and... I actually had something that you wanted. That had never happened before. It felt good.”

Rarity grinned.

“Spike, there are some things that I’d like to say to you tonight. I want to tell you how I feel about you so that there’s no misunderstanding between us.”

Spike sighed and folded his arms.

“I figured this was coming,” he said dejectedly. “Guess we might as well get it over with.”

“And do feel free to stop me if I start to sound patronizing. Sweetie Belle tells me that I have a habit of talking down to others but, much like her cutie mark, I just don’t see it. Booyah!” Rarity smiled and extended her right foreleg toward Spike. “Up top!”

Spike didn’t indulge Rarity in a hoofbump. Rarity raised an eyebrow at the silent treatment she was getting from Spike. She was certain that she got the terminology right from the times she overheard Rainbow Dash solicit her friends for congratulatory hoofbumps following clever zingers.

“Oh, come now, Spike, she’s my little sister,” said Rarity in her own defense. “I’m allowed to make fun of her every now and then.” Rarity took a sip from her margarita. “I’m trying to lighten the mood here, Spike. Work with me, darling.”

“Sorry. I guess I’m not laughing because I can relate to her situation: wanting something desperately for so long... but never having it.”

“Yes, well, that’s.... heh heh... hmm.” Rarity took another sip of her margarita and felt that there wasn’t nearly enough tequila in it. “Spike... You are my dear friend and my hero.”

“That doesn’t sound rehearsed at all,” remarked Spike sarcastically.

Rarity frowned.

“Well, excuse me for wanting to handle this with some tact. This isn’t easy for me. The least you could do is cut me a little slack. You’re my friend and I care about you too much to simply run off at the mouth about my feelings if there’s a chance that I might hurt your feelings by being too blunt.” Her expression softened. “I admit that I may have rehearsed some of what I’m about to say,” she said softly, “but I assure you that my words are still sincere... and they are the words of a friend. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“I guess.”

“Thank you. Now please let me get through this. Once I’m done, I’m certain that you’ll appreciate the time and effort I put into preparing it beforehoof.”

“Okay. Sorry.”

Rarity fidgeted and sat up straight.

“You have so many admirable qualities that it would take me the rest of the night just to list them all. You’re intelligent, courageous, sweet, helpful, sensitive, humble, loyal, trustworthy, supportive, you bake excellent cookies, and Celestia knows that you know how to make me laugh. You have everything a mare could ever want in a significant other...” She fidgeted and averted her eyes for a moment. “...except... for one thing.”

Spike hung his head and closed his eyes.

“A pony’s life expectancy,” he said with mopiness prominent in his tone.

Rarity closed her eyes and gave Spike a slow nod.

“A pony’s life expectancy,” echoed Rarity softly. “The life expectancy of the average dragon has yet to be recorded with reliable data but from what little Princess Celestia knows about them based on the few dragons she’s encountered, it’s been determined that they can live upwards of several thousand years. Compared to that, a pony’s life is over in the blink of an eye. Let’s suppose that something did happen between the two of us, Spike. No matter how beautiful that something might be – and I don’t deny the possibility that we could truly have something beautiful together – it won’t change the fact that, with the passing of time, I will age... and lose my faculties... and... eventually, I will die – eons before you’d ever find your first gray scale.”

Spike hid his face in his napkin and sobbed. Rarity’s ears drooped as she watched him cry.

“Oh, my,” said Rarity. “Was it something I said, Spike, darling?”

Spike dabbed his eyes dry with the napkin and blew his nose into it.

“No,” he replied. “It’s not you. The things you’re saying, well, it’s not as though I haven’t thought about it every day since I found out what my ball park life expectancy was. Twilight, Applejack, you and the others... I know that I’m eventually gonna lose you all. The only thing that makes that even remotely bearable is that we’re all together here and now. Joking together. Laughing together. As friends. And what you’re doing right now? This whole dinner thing? I know I’m being kind of a grouchy jerk to you about it... but I’m still happy. I’m happy that you cared about me enough to take the time to sit and eat and talk with me. And I’ll never forget this night for as long as I live.”

“Nor shall I. My point is that it’s better that you mourn the loss of Rarity your good friend than Rarity your very special somepony. Little else would pain me more than to leave this world knowing that my dear Spikey-wikey would mourn the passing of me, his lost love, for the millennia that he had left to him. I suspect that, deep down, you understand that and you agree that remaining friends would be in our best interests. I know it doesn’t seem likely now but there may be a dragoness out there just waiting for a dragon like you to come along and sweep her off her claws. And when I think of how lucky she’ll be to have you as her husband, I find myself turning into that green-eyed monster yet again... because she’ll have thousands of years to cherish the kindest, most generous dragon I know.”

Spike smiled.

“Now,” said Rarity. “If you understand why I can’t return your feelings and you still want this kiss to happen, I would be happy to oblige you.”

“Really?”

“Yes, really. Whether this kiss makes the impossibility of a relationship between us easier or harder for you to bear is ultimately up to you... but know that this kiss will be our first and our last. Have you made your decision?”

“Yes,” said Spike. “But I didn’t make it tonight.” His eyes became tearlogged once more. “I made it on the day I first set eyes on you, most beautiful one. I would very much like to kiss you.”

Rarity levitated the dinnerware and cutlery on the table and moved it out of the way to clear a path for Spike. She levitated her margarita to her muzzle and swirled her tongue around the rim of the glass, licking all of the salt from it. After washing it down with the remainder of the drink, she closed her eyes and sighed.

“Then come to me, Spike,” she said with a relaxed smile. “Come to me while we still share this hour upon the stage and give me a good account of yourself.”

Spike climbed the table and approached Rarity. He placed a finger under her chin to hold her steady and placed his lips upon hers.

The kiss took Rarity by surprise. She was expecting Spike to either slobber all over her like some clumsy dog or to press forward forcefully for a romance movie style kiss. Instead, he simply held her lips gently within his own with just enough pressure to match hers. He was so tender and sweet with her that she could easily have mistaken the kiss for a butterfly perching on her face.

A raging river of emotions flooded her heart as she tasted the love within Spike’s kiss; the love that would last longer than she would. Her tears burned as they welled up and came spilling down her face. She broke the kiss, backed away, and started to cry.

“Oh, my Celestia,” whimpered Rarity, covering her mouth with her forehoof.

Spike looked around awkwardly, unsure of how to react to Rarity’s crying.

“I’m so sorry, Rarity,” said Spike. “I couldn’t exactly practice my kiss with somepony. I read every book on kissing that Twilight has in the castle library and I was sure I had it down.”

Rarity shook her head.

“Your kiss was wonderful, Spike, ” she whimpered. “I’m so sorry. I beg of you not to think me cruel for rejecting your feelings. If there was some other way, I’d give you a chance; really, I would. It’s just so unfair. You’re offering me all the love and affection I could ever need... but I daren’t accept it because I care for you too much to put you through the pain of losing me. And I know you’re going to lose me one way or the other but... Oh, my sweet Spikey-wikey. I’m so terribly sorry!”

Spike reached out and hugged Rarity who, in turn, wrapped her forelegs around him. After holding one another and sobbing together for several minutes, they released one another and looked into one other’s eyes.

“You’re even beautiful when you’re crying,” said Spike, smiling through his tears. He gently drew a knuckle across Rarity’s cheek and wiped a mascara-darkened tear away. “But please don’t shed any tears for me.”

Rarity smiled. She sniffled and chuckled through her sobs.

“They’re not all for you,” she whimpered. “Some of them are for myself.”

Spike smiled joyfully as his heart swelled with pride. Knowing that Rarity would shed even one tear over the relationship that was not meant to be was a greater honor than he felt he deserved.

“For the love of Celestia, would somepony please bring me a dessert menu?” wailed Rarity to the wait staff. “Depressed mare in need of large quantities of ice cream over here!!”

Crickets chirped noisily as Diamond Tiara pressed the page button of the Toity Finish estate’s front gate intercom. She looked back at her stagecoach which was pulled over to the side of the road. It was brand new but of a simpler design than the one she was accustomed to using. Since the Guilty Rich Movement knew what her family stagecoach looked like, it was in Filthy Rich’s best interests to obtain a new, less luxurious one for discreet traveling, especially for night travel. Even the ponies responsible for pulling the stagecoach were dressed casually.

“Yes?” said a voice which she recognized as Bertram’s.

“Bertram, it’s me,” said Diamond Tiara. “Is Silver Spoon still up?”

“Just a moment, Miss Tiara. I’ll see.”

Diamond Tiara fidgeted nervously while waiting for Bertram’s reply. She knew that the strategy she used to earn her father’s forgiveness would not work on Silver Spoon. She didn’t have the luxury of sharing a residence with her friend the way she did with her father. If Silver Spoon didn’t want to deal with her, she wouldn’t have to. Diamond Tiara gulped at the thought of this being the last time she’d be permitted near Silver Spoon’s home. She had some good times here.

“She’s not presently indoors, Miss Tiara,” said Bertram, “but she would have told somepony if she was leaving the estate.” There was a mechanical sound followed by a squeak. The front gate swung open. “Check the garden. She sometimes goes there after her morning lessons.”

“Thank you.”

Diamond Tiara walked cautiously through the Toity Finish estate’s garden. She had never visited it before and was surprised to see how well lit everything was at this hour. There were fancy wooden benches stationed at semi-regular intervals along the concrete path, firefly lanterns strung overhead, and statues of water bearers pouring jugs into fountains. It was very peaceful here and Diamond Tiara could see why this place appealed to Silver Spoon.

She found Silver Spoon lying on the grass beside a ponymade pond. The gray filly was throwing pebbles into it, one by one. Diamond Tiara approached her and lay down beside her quietly.

“Hey,” said Diamond Tiara softly.

Silver Spoon turned to her left and gasped when she saw Diamond Tiara. She frowned and faced the pond once again. She picked up another pebble and threw it into the water.

“I thought you said you were never speaking to me again,” she stated coldly.

Diamond Tiara was elated to hear Silver Spoon speak to her at all.

“Never say never, I guess,” she said. Diamond Tiara took a pebble from the pile and threw one into the pond.

Silver Spoon ceased throwing pebbles. She turned her head away from Diamond Tiara. Diamond’s ears drooped at the gesture.

“This garden is awesome,” said Diamond Tiara. “We should throw a huge party here some night. I can bring Dethklop.”

She waited for Silver Spoon to speak but nothing was said.

“Look,” said Diamond Tiara. “I don’t have to tell you that I’m not used to apologizing to anypony... and I would understand if you didn’t want to hear anything I have to say, much less an apology... but I am really, really sorry for jumping down your throat and saying all those mean things to you. I’ve always been afraid of blowing up at you some day. You know how I am. It’s the jugular or nothing.”

Silver Spoon remained silent.

“Your glasses look fine,” continued Diamond Tiara. “And I know that you have a backbone. And I don’t think that you’re a pervert. And I sure as Tartarus don’t care about your orientation. What I do care about... what I should have cared about from the beginning... was that you were my friend... and that I should have treated you better than I did. You were a better friend than I deserved to have... and while that statement pretty much invalidates any argument I might have for you to forgive me...”

Diamond Tiara’s lower lip began to quiver. She sniffled. She opened her trembling lips to speak further.

“I don’t like the thought of my life without you in it, Silver Spoon. I’m – reduced without you. I feel like half a pony – the back half. I didn’t realize how much I needed you until I pushed you away. You weren't to blame for Twist's death. I was just being a jerk when I put that all on you." Diamond Tiara struck herself in the head three times. "I'm a slave to the way my mind works. I see something I hate and I figure out how to destroy it. I see something I want and I figure out a way to get it... but this time, I’m out of ideas. I destroyed our friendship and I want your forgiveness but I have no clue how to get you to accept my apology... and I can’t just walk away from you.” Diamond Tiara smirked. “What if I paid you to forgive me?”

Silver Spoon snickered once and covered her mouth with her left forehoof to hide her scrunching face. A faint smile graced Diamond Tiara’s face for a moment.

A cool breeze rustled through the leaves of the hedges as Diamond Tiara prepared to sing her next words to Silver Spoon. Her singing voice was soft and warbled from her crying. She summoned no background music to accompany her lyrics. This was going to be a no frills, straight from the heart plea.

What I have done makes me feel sick inside
I am truly lost without you, it’s like a piece of me has died
I made a huge mistake; please tell me what I have to do
To get you to forgive me and to make.. this.. right... with... youuuuu

Silver Spoon kept her head turned but Diamond Tiara could tell by the way she was breathing that her friend was also choked up with crying. After a few sniffles, Silver Spoon sang her reply with equal difficulty and with no background music.

You broke my heart, now you come crawling back to me
All the hurtful words you said are still fresh in my memory
They cut me to the bone and no apology will do
So tell me why I should forgive a mea...nie... pants... like youuuuu

Diamond Tiara gulped. The ball was in her court and the bridge of the song was hers.

It’s true I said some things I thouuuught I meaaaaant
But if you take my words to hearrrrrt
I was wrong, I’m sorry and I’m beeeeeegging youuuu
Can’t we maaaaake aaaaa braaaand newwwww staaaaart?

Silver Spoon got to her hooves, looking more determined and confident than Diamond Tiara had ever seen her before. The gray filly inhaled deeply and then released her breath raggedly. She cleared her throat and swallowed.

“I’m sorry, Diamond Tiara, but I see, like, absolutely no reason why we should start over.”

Silver Spoon walked away.

Diamond Tiara’s mouth hung open as she watched the best friend in the world walk away from her. Tipping her harness over so that she could lay down, she collapsed on the grass and wept.

She failed.

Silver Spoon had moved on.

The trials that lay ahead for Diamond Tiara were now going to be ten times more difficult and she wasn’t looking forward to any of it. Would Zippoorwhill be able to fill the void that Silver Spoon left in her life? Or would her old habits resurface and cause Zippoorwhill to run away, too?

She lifted her head and saw that Silver Spoon was nowhere to be found. She swallowed and rose from the ground. There was nothing left for her here and it was time to go back to the stagecoach and head on home. As she took her first few steps, her ear rotated as she heard galloping hooves behind her.

The world spun as she was sent into a tumbling triple somersault as a result of somepony tackling her. She found herself standing on her hooves and wheels with Silver Spoon standing in front of her.

The gray filly was smiling; beaming, in fact.

And that made Diamond Tiara smile.

A big band tune played as Silver Spoon’s background music, heavy on the brass section and with the volume up high. Silver sang loudly to match it.

Why start again – when what we had was A-OK?
Girl, I know you very well – but I still like you anyway

“Hey...” said Diamond Tiara, smirking and raising an eyebrow at the implied insult. Silver Spoon continued her song.

We were meant to stick togetherrr, come cloudy skies or bluuuue
I can for-give a friend
Aaas terrrrr-iiiii-bllllle

“You mean ‘As wonnnn-derrrr-fullll’,” corrected Diamond Tiara in the same notes.

As horrrr-iiiii-bllllle

Diamond Tiara put her forehoof to her ear.

“I think I heard ‘As beauuu-tiiiii-fullll...’”

As mean to meeeeee

“As dearrrrrr tooooo theeeeeeee”

As youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu

“As meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”

“Bump, bu-u-ump-suuuu-gar... lump... rump,” they sang, doing the one-foreleg version of their trademark hoof bump.

The background music ended.

Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon disengaged their rumps and turned around to face each other. They smiled tearfully as they capped off their reunion with a hug.

“Did you seriously think... that I wouldn’t give you a hard time for being such a total bitch to me?” said Silver Spoon.

“So you really forgive me?” whimpered Diamond Tiara.

“Yeah. I do.”

“Thank you.”

Silver Spoon pried herself free of Diamond Tiara’s forelegs and looked at her sternly.

“But there’s a limit to how much bitchiness I can take, Di,” scolded Silver Spoon. “You can’t do anything like what you did to Miss Cheerilee ever again or we’re really through for good. Do you hear me?”

Diamond Tiara wiped her eyes and nodded.

“I hear you,” she whimpered.

“Promise me.”

“I promise that I’ll never do or say anything that would make you ashamed to know me. I promise to make you proud of everything I do from now on. I promise to always strive to be worthy of the special place I have in your heart. And I promise... to love my best friend Silver Spoon and treat her with respect until the day I die.”

Silver Spoon bawled.

“You’ve never said that you loved me before.” She hugged Diamond Tiara again.

“I didn’t think it was cool to show emotion before, but... I do love you. Not in a gay way or any-erk!” Diamond Tiara’s sentence was cut off from Silver Spoon constricting her forelegs about her ribcage in a bone-crunching bearhug.

“Yeah, I got that, plotwipe,” growled Silver Spoon. “You didn’t have to say it. Way to ruin the mood.” She relaxed her torturous hug and the two friends snickered.

Diamond was dizzy with emotion. She was so deliriously happy that she could explode – twice. Was this the magic of friendship she felt coursing through her body? If it wasn’t, it had to be something that was pretty darned close.

“Can we just stay here like this for a little while?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“You can hold me for as long as you want, Di.”

Silver Spoon looked up at the moon and winked.

Thank you, she mouthed to Princess of the Night, wherever she was.

Diamond Tiara wiped her eyes.

“Back when I yelled at you,” she said. “When you said all that stuff about changing, it wasn’t anything that I didn’t already know. I just didn’t want to admit that I was wrong – like, ever. I’m too stubborn for my own good. When you said that you couldn’t be my friend any more, it hurt so bad. All I could see was how bad of a friend that made you when, in reality, I couldn’t see how bad of a friend I’ve been to bring you to that point. But I do now... and I’m so sorry. I do want to change. But wanting isn’t doing. I don’t know if I can get there on my own. Will you help me?”

“I... was born to help you.”

Diamond Tiara chuckled.

“I’ll take that as a really creepy ‘yes’.”

Silver Spoon snorted and broke the embrace.

“Hey! I’m not creepy.”

“I meant ‘dedicated’. It was a really dedicated yes. Better?”

“Better.”

They hugged again.

“I’m so sorry that I hurt you," said Diamond Tiara. "I don’t want to hurt anypony anymore. It’s a waste of my talents and it doesn’t serve any useful purpose. It made me happy to see somepony else suffering because it took my mind off of my abandonment issues.”

“Abandonment issues?” asked Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara chewed on her tongue gently and broke the hug.

“I’ve... never talked with you about my... female parent, have I?” she asked.

She won’t even say the word Mom, observed Silver Spoon.

“No, you haven’t,” she replied. “Whenever I tried bringing her up, you always changed the subject. After about the third straight time you did that, I just took it as a hint that you really didn’t want to talk about her and I let it go. Did she abandon you?”

“Mm-hm. Let’s take a walk.”

The two friends strolled down the garden path.

“That’s a really nice tiara, by the way,” said Silver Spoon.

“Thanks,” said Diamond Tiara.

“What happened to your original tiara?”

“It’s back at my house but, y’know, I’m actually thinking of retiring it.”

“Seriously?”

“Yeah. I’m turning over a new leaf and this new one symbolizes that change. So... about my female parent. I would start by telling you her name but... I don’t know what it is.”

“Wow. And here I thought not knowing my mom’s eye color was bad.”

“I was really young when she left my dad and me... and even though we’ve never made any sort of formal agreement not to do so, my dad and I don’t talk about her anymore.”

“You might be able to find out her name at Town Hall.”

“Oh, I have a couple of names for that mare. They’re just not the ones she was born with.”

“If she lived here in Ponyville, she might have registered her cutie mark. Do you remember what it was?”

“Yeah, but I don’t know what they’re called. Do you know those sort of Pre-”

“AAAAAAH!!”

Diamond Tiara swiftly turned to look at Silver Spoon and felt a sharp pain in her chest. She was shocked to find that the gray earth pony was being dragged tail first into an open stallionhole by somepony – or something.

“HELLLLP!!!” screamed Silver Spoon, struggling to keep herself from being pulled under. She planted her left forehoof into the road and reached out to Diamond Tiara with her right.

“SILVER!!” screamed Diamond Tiara. She reached our with her forelegs and grabbed Silver Spoon’s foreleg. The wheels of her harness offered no resistance and she was being pulled her toward the stallionhole along with Silver Spoon. She tipped herself over and lay on her flank while planting her free foreleg into the dirt.

The pulling stopped.

What appeared to be a pony dressed in a dirty brown cloak and a white theater mask crawled out of the stallionhole and climbed on top of Silver Spoon, pinning the gray filly to the ground. The cloaked pony reached for Diamond Tiara and grabbed her. Diamond Tiara whimpered and trembled with fear. She was nose to porcelain nose with the cloaked figure.

“Bring me some food and water,” growled the pony. “As in right now. If you don’t, I’ll eat this filly’s flesh and drink her blood. If you bring anypony back with you, I’ll snap her neck like a twig.”

“Okay, I’ll get you some food and water.” said Diamond Tiara. “Just please don’t hurt her.” Diamond Tiara ran to the front of the estate where her stagecoach awaited her return. She could make a quick run back home where she would raid her mansion’s pantry and give the masked marauder the goods he or she wanted in exchange for Silver Spoon.

And while she hadn’t completely made her peace with Celestia or Luna, she swallowed her pride and prayed to whatever alicorns could hear her prayer to keep her friend safe.

She couldn’t lose Silver Spoon again; not when they had just made up.

The sound of hooves clunking against iron rungs echoed through the sewer as the mysterious figure descended the ladder with Silver Spoon held securely in one foreleg. Air rushed in and out of Silver Spoon’s nostrils rapidly. Her eyes were closed and she was too frightened to move. If she tried to break free and succeeded, the fall to the sewer floor of an unknown height would seriously injure her.

The clunking stopped. Silver reasoned that they had reached the bottom of the ladder. Her fillynapper shifted her weight and set Silver Spoon on all four hooves.

“Hiya, Spoony,” said a familiar perky voice.

Silver Spoon opened her eyes and looked up. The cloaked figure’s hood was down and her mask was resting on top of her head.

It was Pinkie Pie.

“Pinkie Pie?” asked Silver Spoon rhetorically.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” said Pinkie.

“What the Tartarus, Pinkie?! You scared me half to death!”

“Sorry about that... but food and clean drinking water are impossible to find down here and I had to do something. Did I hurt you?”

Silver Spoon flexed her hind legs.

“I don’t think so... but that wasn’t very funny.”

“I didn’t like having to scare you...” Pinkie snorted with laughter. “But you should’ve seen how panicked Diamond Tiara was. Hee hee ha ha ha!”

“You could have just asked us for some food.”

“No way, José.” Pinkie pointed to the surface. “Remember how she’s waiting for me to ask her for a favor so she can laugh in my face?”

“She’s changed, Pinkie. She wouldn’t do that. She told me so. You said you could forgive me. Well, if you can forgive me, you should be able to trust me, too.” Silver Spoon walked toward the ladder.

“Where are you going?” asked Pinkie.

“Back to the surface.”

“Who said you could leave?”

Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow.

“Who’s stopping me?” she asked.

Pinkie sighed.

“Nopony, I guess. But would you do me a favor and stay down here with me until Diamond Tiara comes back with the food and water? If she sees you free before she leaves it, she’ll keep it. And I’m starved for real food. Grazing is for cows.”

“Oh... all right. But why are you down here in the first place? I heard that your friends are worried sick about you.”

“Yeah, huh? I figured as much. It’s a long story.”

“Have you heard about what happened to Miss Cheerilee?”

“No, but I know what happened. That’s part of why I’m down here. I drank a potion of Zecora’s and now whenever I touch somepony... or a part of somepony... I see horrific things from that pony’s past as if I was right there. I touched something that belonged to Cheerilee and I saw the murder.”

Silver Spoon placed her right forehoof across her lips.

“So he really killed her, huh?”

“Yes, he did. Oh, and as a heads-up, stay away from Zecora’s hut.”

“Don’t worry. I’m scared manureless of the Everfree Forest. So – what did you see when you touched me?”

“Hm? Oh. I didn’t see anything from touching you.” Pinkie spread her cloak open, showing off the stealth bodysuit she wore underneath. “My suit and cloak protect me from the potion’s effect.”

“Oh.” Silver Spoon grinned and lifted her foreleg out to Pinkie Pie. “Do you want to touch me now?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just kind of curious. I mean, if I had that special ability, I’d use it, like, every chance I got.”

Pinkie Pie frowned.

“This isn’t some party trick, Silver Spoon! If this potion doesn’t wear off, I’m screwed for life! I’ll have to wear this suit or some kind of clothing like it all the time, head to hoof, for the rest of my life or risk seeing something I shouldn’t see or don’t want to see. I’ll never be able to nuzzle a friend or... or spend some special time with my very special somepony... assuming that I’ll ever have a very special somepony now that I’m afflicted.”

“How long has it been since your ability went off last?”

“It’s been days.”

“And you’ve been down here all this time?”

“Yeah. I’ve been stealthing it to find food but everything’s closed at night.”

“So how will you know if it’s temporary or permanent if you don’t test it out?”

Pinkie held her chin.

“Good point. All right. I’ll do it... but first, I’ll screen you. I know this is gonna sound weird but... have you ever killed anypony?”

“Not unless you count what happened to Twist.”

“That was an accident. What’s the most painful thing that’s ever happened to you?”

“Same thing; watching Twist die. Oh, and Diamond Tiara insulting me was super painful. Maybe you’ll see that.”

“She insulted you? Why.”

“She got angry with me but it’s behind us now.”

“Huh. Okay. I’ll try it out on you.”

“Will it hurt?”

“It won’t hurt you. It hurts me. My eyes burn for a second. Ready?”

“Ready.”

Pinkie Pie took Silver Spoon’s foreleg and placed her cheek against the filly’s hoof. She twitched as she felt the familiar burning sensation in her eyes from the previous trips.

Pinkie found herself on a hillside not far from Fluttershy’s cottage. She saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon facing one another.

“Silver Spoon?” asked Diamond Tiara. “What are you doing here?” Silver Spoon opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by Diamond Tiara. “Never mind. You need to get out of here. Rumble wrote me a Hearts and Hooves Day card and-”

“It’s not Rumble who wrote it,” said Silver Spoon.

“It’s not? Wait a second. How do you know who wrote the card?”

“Because it was me.”

“What?”

“I wrote you that card.”

“But why would you prank me when we’ve got blank flanks for targets?”

“I didn’t write it as a prank!” Silver Spoon trembled and her ears drooped. “I’m in love with you, Diamond Tiara.”

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped, as did Pinkie Pie’s.

“Whoa,” said Pinkie.

“Do you remember when you were born?” asked Silver Spoon. “I remember my birth. It was the day that you came over my house and you sang that song when we were playing with our dolls. That was the day that I fell in love with you. I thought I could keep my feelings a secret but my love for you has grown stronger every second since then. It’s grown so strong that I couldn’t keep it bottled up inside my heart any longer. It was even stronger than my fear of seeing the look you have on your face right now. But just so I know for sure – does that look mean that you don’t feel the same way about me?”

Diamond Tiara hesitated. She averted her eyes and nodded slowly.

“I’m sorry,” said Diamond Tiara. “I’m really flattered but... I can never have romantic feelings for you, Silver.”

Tears rolled down Silver Spoon’s face. Pinkie began to weep as she watched Silver Spoon’s lips quiver like egg whites sizzling in a frying pan.

“That’s okay,” wept Silver Spoon. “I figured as much. It was worth a try. Don’t worry about me. I’m only gonna cry for the rest of my life.” She dropped to the grass, hid her face in her forelegs, and bawled. Diamond Tiara approached her and consoled her friend by rubbing her back with her right forehoof.

“Waaaaaaaaaaaaaah!” cried Pinkie. She wiped her eyes and when she looked around, she noticed that she was back in the sewer.

“What did you see?” asked Silver Spoon.

Pinkie Pie cleared her throat.

“I saw you confess your love to Diamond Tiara... and I saw you get rejected.”

“I was wondering if that’s what you’d see.”

“Does it still hurt?”

Silver Spoon’s lower lip quivered.

“Like the day it happened,” she squeaked. She took off her glasses, covered her face with her forehooves, and broke down crying. Pinkie hugged Silver Spoon.

“I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out for you,” said Pinkie.

“Not as sorry as I am. It kills me to be so close to her... and to know that there’s a limit to how close I can get.”

“You’re young, though. You’ve got the rest of your life ahead of you. I know you’ll find another filly who’ll love you.”

“I don’t want another filly’s love. I only want Diamond Tiara’s love.”

“At least you gave it a shot. You might not agree with me but in a way, I think you’re kind of lucky. There isn’t a stallion I’ve met that I love as much as you love Diamond Tiara.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“You know, there was talk about you and Cheese Sandwich for a while after Rainbow Dash’s Birthiversary.”

“Aw, Cheese is a nice enough guy, I guess. He’s super fun but he’s a traveling party pony and I love my Ponyville. I wouldn’t ask him to give up the road for me any more than he would ask me to leave home for him. It would never work out.”

“What about Big Macintosh?”

“Big Mac? Hee hee hee! I could never date him, silly. Mackie is like my squishy big brother.”

“What about The Doctor?”

“Who?”

“Tan coat? Blue eyes? Short and spiky dark brown mane? Hourglass cutie mark? Trottingham accent? Green necktie? He’s my tutor.”

“I don’t think we’ve met. Take a picture of him and show it to me next time.”

“Bleh. No thanks. I hate cameras.” Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow and smirked. “Maybe it’s not a stallion you’re looking for, Pinkie.”

“Huh?”

“Picture it: Pinkie Pie... and DJ PON-3.”

Pinkie smiled.

“Oh, my gosh,” she lamented. “What are you, a recruiting officer for the filly-fooler army or something?”

“Ah-hah!” cried Silver Spoon. “That wasn’t a no!”

“Hello?” called out Diamond Tiara.

Pinkie Pie swiftly grabbed Silver Spoon and put her mask and hood back on. She touched noses with Silver Spoon.

“Not a word,” warned Pinkie.

“Fine,” said Silver Spoon.

“Come on down,” said Pinkie in her gruff voice.

Diamond Tiara made her way down the ladder as quickly as her harness permitted. She had a sack in her mouth which she spat out when she reached the bottom.

“Here’s all the food and water I could carry,” said Diamond Tiara. “If this isn’t enough, I can go get more. But if it is, please let her go.”

As Pinkie rummaged through the sack, Silver Spoon’s heart swooned from the concern in Diamond Tiara’s voice.

“This will do... but there’s one more thing I need you to do for me.”

“What is it?”

Pinkie Pie released Silver Spoon and grabbed Diamond Tiara. She lifted her mask and rested it atop her head, revealing herself to Diamond Tiara.

“Show me your pain,” she grumbled as she pressed her forehead against Diamond Tiara’s forehead.

Fluttershy stood in front of the bathroom mirror in her castle quarters and examined herself in her new outfit. The bright red long sleeve suit jacket accommodated her wings perfectly, the white cotton business blouse was crisp and cool, the black bandage miniskirt didn't ride up on her as she feared, and her black sheer pantyhose was very complimentary to her hind legs. A pair of one inch black high heeled shoes completed the look but they were by far the most unnatural part of her ensemble. She paced back and forth in front of the mirror a few times to get accustomed to walking with the shoes. She stood in front of the mirror one last time and smiled confidently.

"Okay, I'm ready to do this," she said. She looked between her forelegs. "How about you, sweetie? No?" She giggled. "That's okay. I've got this. You just sit back and relax."

She left her quarters and headed for the library where her unscheduled appointment would be taking place.

An appointment with her future.

Fluttershy found Twilight Sparkle lying on the floor between bookshelves. The Princess of Friendship was reading a thick book, most likely on the subject of criminal law by Fluttershy's guess.

“Excuse me, Twilight,” said Fluttershy. Twilight looked up from her book and turned around.

“Oh, hi, Flut- OOOOOH! What a gorgeous outfit! It makes you look so daring and sexy!”

"Thank you." Fluttershy bowed her head in thanks. "I need to speak with you."

“Oh, I wish I could chat but I’m afraid I’ve just got way too much reading to catch up on and not enough time in which to do it. Is it important?”

“ It's very important. I promise I won’t take up too much of your time.”

"All right." Twilight closed her book. "So what's up?"

“We need to talk about the Filthy Rich trial.”

Twilight blinked and raised an eyebrow.

“Um, no, we don’t. I can’t talk about the case with anypony, Fluttershy; not even you.”

“Then I’ll do the talking. You should disallow the death penalty for Filthy Rich.”

Twilight did a double take.

“I... What?”

“You should disallow the death penalty for Filthy Rich.”

“O-kayyyyyyy, is there a reason why you think I should do that?”

“Because his wife would be very upset with you if you sentenced him to die.”

“Oh, Fluttershy, I’m not worried about what anypony will think of me regarding my decision. They know I’m only doing my job. And I can take care of myself but even if I couldn’t, I’ve got plenty of guards to protect me. But why would you think Filthy Rich's wife would care? From what I heard, they parted on bad terms. Didn’t she get a divorce from him years ago?”

“I’m not talking about his ex-wife. I mean his current one.”

“When did he re-marry?”

“Earlier today.”

“To whom?”

Fluttershy removed a sheet of paper from her jacket pocket and presented it to Twilight. She levitated the paper and read it.

It was a copy of a marriage certificate.

It certified that, as of today, Filthy Rich was now married – to Fluttershy.

Twilight’s horn stopped glowing. The certificate fell to the floor like a leaf. She looked at Fluttershy’s face, hoping to find some sign that this was a joke but found no such sign. Fluttershy lifted her left foreleg and smiled. Twilight gulped when she saw a wedding bracelet around her friend's wrist. A pang of nausea erupted inside Twilight’s stomach.

“You?” she asked.

“Me,” replied Fluttershy. The pegasus trembled slightly even though she maintained a confident grin.

“Why?”

“The short answer? Because I fell in love with him. Please don’t sentence him to death, Twilight. You’d not only be killing my husband and Diamond Tiara's father... you'd also be killing the father of my foal.”

Twilight's jaw dropped.

“You’re pregnant?” she asked, grimacing at this additional deterrent.

“Yes. Or maybe. At least, I think I could be. It’s extremely likely. Richie and I didn’t use protection and we were very industrious in the bedroom this afternoon when we consummated our marriage.” She blushed. “With the kind of virility he has, I wouldn’t be surprised if we conceived quadruplets. I thought having sex was gonna hurt a lot since he’s so huge but-”

Twilight groaned and sank to the floor.

“Oh, sweet Celestia, Fluttershy, too much information!"

“Oh. Sorry. Anyway, I’d like you to throw out the case. Richie swore to you that if you granted him bail, he wouldn’t leave the mansion except to go to court. And, sweetheart that he is, he’s determined to stick to that agreement. So we can’t have a real honeymoon until after the trial. But if you simply can’t throw the case out, then we’d be okay with a prison sentence with a possibility of parole. It’s not our first choice but it’s better than death. Oh, won’t you please do this for us, Twilight? My baby needs a father – even if he’s behind bars. And if you can, please find a way to get around the castration thing. I’m sure Richie would love some conjugal visits from me. I know I would.”

Fluttershy giggled.

Twilight mimicked the giggle to mock her – right before lifting Fluttershy’s shoulders to stand her upright and slamming her back into the bookshelf behind her.

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME??” screamed Twilight, standing on her hind legs and planting her muzzle against Fluttershy’s.

Placing her forehooves on either of Twilight’s shoulder’s, Fluttershy shoved the alicorn backward, sending her spine first into the opposite bookshelf. Fluttershy placed both of her forelegs across her own abdomen to protect it.

“TWILIGHT, YOU’LL HURT MY BABYYYYYY!!” screamed Fluttershy.

Both mares’ chests rose and fell as they scowled at one another.

“Sorry,” said Twilight. “Now answer my question. Why are you doing this? Especially when I’m the acting judge?!”

“Don’t you see, Twilight? I’m doing this precisely because you’re the acting judge. This wouldn’t work if somepony else was overseeing the trial. I don’t know any judges... but I know you. And I know you’d never do anything to hurt me.” She averted her eyes briefly and rubbed the back of her head. “Um, I’m not going to count you slamming me against the bookshelf a second ago.”

“Listen to me very carefully, Fluttershy. I cannot and will not let anypony influence my decision. I have a job to do and I have an obligation to perform that job to the best of my ability – and that obligation includes remaining impartial! This trial is hard enough! I didn’t need this squeezeplay of yours to make it harder!”

“Harder? I’m making your job easier! You’re one of my best friends, Twilight, but I swear to Celestia, if you sentence my Richie to die, that friendship will end immediately and I will never forgive you. You’ll have effectively killed the magic of friendship – and with it, any chance of the survival of the equine race if another Tirek-level villain tries to conquer Equestria. But... if you spare his life, the six of us get to keep Equestria’s greatest weapon in our back pocket and we can continue saving millions of lives together whenever the need arises. Everypony’s happy. What could be easier than that?”

Twilight covered her face with her forehooves. She removed them to reveal that her frown had evolved into a scowl.

“I don’t know," she replied. "Maybe emotional extortion? Or marrying into financial freedom?”

“Huh! If you think I married Richie for his money, then you don’t know me at all, Twilight Sparkle. Richie knew I wanted to avoid such accusations so before Judge Harshly married us, his lawyer Mister Goodwagon wrote up a prenuptial agreement for us which I was only too happy to sign.” Fluttershy reached into her jacket pocket and removed a second form which she hoofed to Twilight. “Here’s a copy.” Twilight took the paper and cast it aside, apparently uninterested in reading it. “Win, lose, or draw, I don’t get one bit of his money. One hundred percent of his fortune goes to his daughter Diamond Tiara. So what’s your choice?”

Twilight looked at the floor. It frightened her how little time she needed to make her decision.

“Risking millions of lives over ending one life? You’re right. It’s an easy choice. I'll help you." Fluttershy sighed with relief. "I'd be angrier at you for putting me in this situation but... truth be told, I don’t fancy the idea of putting Filthy Rich to death, either. In fact, I've spent most of my time studying to try and find a way around it.”

“It sounds like I just gave you the excuse you were looking for not to do it.”

“With neither the prosecution nor the defense backing down, the case already looks likes it’s going to be drawn out for several months to a year. At the very least, your husband will be home to witness the birth of your baby.”

Fluttershy closed her eyes and smiled.

“Oh, we’d like that very much,” she said, rubbing her tummy.

“If any loopholes exist in the system, I’ll find them. But... if not...”

Fluttershy shifted her jaw.

“If not, then make them exist," she ordered. "You’re a princess, Twilight. You have power on top of power. Use it. Talk to the mayor. If you need money to grease the right hooves to make those loopholes, just let me know and I can get you as much as you need. Do whatever you have to do but make this work. And if you can get the case thrown out, Richie is prepared to show his gratitude in spades. He wouldn’t insult you with something as tacky as a monetary gift but he said he’d build universities for you."

"Universities?"

"Universities. Museums. Libraries. You name it, he’ll fund their construction. And they’ll all be named after you. The initials for culture and education throughout Equestria will be spelled capital T... capital S.”

Twilight smirked.

“Is it weird that I almost like how assertive you’ve become even though you’ve got me caught between a rock and a hard place?”

“Thanks. I’m really, truly sorry that it had to come to this, Twilight... but I would do anything to save my friends and loved ones from harm.”

“I guess I’ve always known that about you... and in a twisted way, I can sort of respect your determination. Erk!”

“Are you okay?”

Twilight rubbed her back and winced.

“I think my spine got thrown out of alignment when I hit the wall.”

“Would you like me to walk on your back?”

“Sure, why not?” Twilight lay on the floor. “You’ve already walked all over me metaphorically.”

“Easy on the sour grapes, Princess. I don’t want my baby to be exposed to negative vibes while in the womb.”

As Fluttershy stepped carefully on Twilight and kneaded her back with her hooves, Twilight harkened back to a time when life was less complicated and wished she hadn't wasted her Star Swirl the Bearded time travel spell.

"YAAAAH!!" screamed Twilight, flailing her wings and legs.

"OH! Heels." Fluttershy smiled apologetically and removed her shoes. "Sorry."

Author's Note

This chapter is dedicated to ShadowGentleman, another outstanding supporter and reviewer of mine. Also, the Bump, Bump, Sugar Lump Rump performed in this chapter is sung to the tune of "shave and a haircut, two bits.

Infidelity

Pinkie Pie rubbed her burning eyes before taking in her new virtual surroundings. She was curious to learn what painful experience the Queen of Mean had tucked away in her memory; too curious to bother explaining her supernatural ability to her or obtain her consent. It was always easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission – and Diamond Tiara certainly never asked anypony for permission to commit all of her numerous wrongdoings. So, in a sense, the little stinker had this coming.

When her sight cleared up, she found herself standing in an enormous and extravagant bedroom. Sunlight penetrated the tall white curtains which were drawn over every window but one. The bed looked so fancy and expensive that she would have been afraid to jump up and down on it for fear of accidentally damaging it. The only other pony in the room was a tall, white-coated unicorn mare who was busy levitating personal belongings from a large walk-in closet and placing them neatly inside a large open suitcase which was on the bed.

“Whoo, you sure are pretty,” said Pinkie. “I wonder who you are. Come to think of it, I wonder where and when we are, too.”

Pinkie ran over to the window and recognized the neighboring buildings as those which were found in Ponyville’s high rent district. That, in addition to this vision coming from Diamond Tiara’s memory, made it a safe bet that this bedroom was somewhere within Filthy Rich’s mansion. Pinkie became melancholy at the sight of her hometown in broad daylight. She missed her home, her job, and her best friends.

“You're home early,” noted the unicorn. Pinkie noted that the mare’s voice had the same affect of sophistication about it as Rarity’s. But who was this

“Packing?” asked a stallion that came from behind her. Pinkie turned around and saw that Filthy Rich had entered the room and closed the door behind him. She gulped as Cheerilee’s murderer came closer and she cautiously stepped out of his path despite the fact that she was an intangible observer from the future. “Are you taking another trip somewhere?”

“Quite,” replied the mare without giving Filthy Rich the courtesy of looking in his direction. “But this will be my last one. I’m leaving you, Richard. Expect a visit from my attorney later today. He’ll have divorce paperwork drawn up for you. Do us a favor and sign it. You should be happy to know that it says you’ll receive full custody of your daughter.”

The left corner of Filthy Rich’s mouth curled into a half smile.

“Tcheh... Is this some kind of joke, darling?”

The mare rolled her eyes and sighed with aggravation.

“No, ‘darling’, it isn’t. The real joke is this sham of a marriage in which I’ve stuck myself.” She levitated a peach from a glass bowl on top of the dresser, took a large bite, and returned the peach to the bowl. She continued to speak with her mouth full. “What was I thinking marrying a stallion twice my age? Well, the joke isn’t funny anymore so I’m leaving while I still have my best years ahead of me.”

“I don’t understand. Was it something I did?”

Fleur swallowed her mouthful of peach flesh and licked her lips.

“It’s more like what you don’t do. Do you know who Fancy Pants is? Of course you don’t. You rarely socialize with anypony outside of this town. You just want to stay cooped up in this tiny mansion all evening. Fancy Pants is a ridiculously wealthy unicorn who resides in Canterlot. He’s a sophisticated socialite like me, he’s single like I will be again, he’s closer to my age, and, most importantly, he knows how to treat a mare of my caliber. They say he’s not the marrying kind but I’d rather be his satellite in Canterlot than spend one more minute tied down as your spouse here in Ponyville. Ponyville!” The town’s name erupted from her lungs with contempt as though speaking it was the verbal equivalent of losing her lunch. “We might as well live in Donkeyville or Muleville.”

“And that’s all it takes for you to just walk away from me? A unicorn who’s younger and wealthier than I am and a home in the suburbs? Fleur, we have a life together. We have Diamond Tiara.”

“You have Diamond Tiara, you mean.” Fleur levitated the peach again. “And you’re welcome to keep her.”

“She’s our daughter, not just mine.”

As Fleur took another bite of her peach, Pinkie Pie’s stomach rumbled, reminding the earth pony that she had neglected to eat a single morsel of the goodies which Diamond Tiara brought her prior to peering into the pink filly’s mind. Fleur returned the remainder of the peach to the bowl and Pinkie craned her neck out and opened her mouth to intercept it, only to have it pass through her body just as every other object in these visions did.

“Hmmm,” pondered Fleur as she chewed. She shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. If she was my daughter in any way, she would have been born a proper unicorn.”

Pinkie gasped.

“Are you hoofing kidding me?!” she barked.

“So that’s how it is,” said Filthy Rich sadly, seemingly resigning himself to the stark realization that he was hearing his wife’s unbound feelings, ugly as they were. “You’re rejecting her because of her tribe.” His voice was flat and lacking its usual exuberance. “My Celestia. And here I believed you when you told me that you were hesitant to hold her or nurse her due to an extended case of post-partum depression.”

“Ah, yes,” said Fleur. “The doctor who diagnosed me doesn’t exist. And those ‘antidepressants’ I’ve been taking are nothing more than sugar pills. I could tell that the excuse was starting to wear thin but I milked that lie for all it was worth. It wasn’t all smoke and mirrors, though. I truly was excited about the arrival of our child – until I gave birth and found out that she was...” Her nose wrinkled. “...ugh... one of you ponies.”

“‘One of you ponies’?” parroted Pinkie Pie. “What a tribist BITCH!”

“I suppose her tribe would also explain the drop in intimacy after she was born,” posited Filthy Rich.

“Well, naturally.” Fleur closed her eyes, grinned snobbily, and primped her mane as she took a moment to admire herself in her dresser’s mirror. “I couldn’t bear the thought of putting my fabulous figure through another nine months of Tartaros if there was even the slightest chance that I’d bring another earth pony into the world. There are plenty of earth pony and pegasus mares living in this dirt mound who would be better suited for that unrewarding job. A beautiful unicorn such as I shouldn’t be subjected to that kind of disappointment once in her life, let alone twice. Celestia, I could barely bring myself to levitate the little mudpony.”

“Oh, no, you didn’t!” grumbled Pinkie Pie. She stepped up to Fleur and scowled at her menacingly. “You are so lucky this happened behind closed do-”

“You keep those tribist slurs to yourself, Fleur Dis Lee,” demanded Filthy Rich. Pinkie shut her mouth so that she wouldn’t miss a word of the unfolding drama. “I won’t tolerate them being spoken in my home, especially when they’re directed at my own flesh and blood.”

“You tell her, Filthy!” cheered Pinkie with brevity in mind.

“Hm hm hm hm... ‘Mudpony’ isn’t even my favorite earth pony slur.” Fleur grinned as she walked to the wardrobe. She opened it and began transferring clothing from it to her suitcase as she did with the walk-in closet earlier. “Personally, I prefer ‘potato’.”

Pinkie had never heard that slur before but that didn’t make it any less offensive. Ponyville was a proud melting pot of a town populated by different species of ungulates and other assorted sentient beings so it was rare to encounter bigotry beyond the occasional mule joke – which Pinkie genuinely felt were pretty funny for the most part.

I really ought to work on that, she thought. I wouldn’t want to be considered a hypocrite. Then again, how often will I even run into anypony down here to begin with?

Filthy Rich bit his lower lip to contain his growing displeasure.

“If you hate earth ponies so much, you should have made it known to the one who asked you to be his wife before you agreed to it.”

“I was eighteen, Richard. I was blinded by your money just as you were blinded by my body. We both got a piece of what the other was offering but now that I’ve more than had my share of wedded bliss, I know that having money isn’t everything.” Fleur’s pupils shrank and she brandished a delirious smile. “It’s spending money that’s everything! Expensive jewelry, fine clothes, fancy restaurants, mansions, yachts, operas, social gatherings, traveling around the globe! Fancy Pants spends money on me like it would burn a hole in his trust fund... whereas you are far too thrifty for being one of the wealthiest stallions in Equestria.” Fleur Dis Lee finished packing her belongings and she closed her suitcase.

“I didn’t get to be one of the wealthiest stallions in Equestria by wasting money on nonstop extravagant purchases. And if I appear to be thrifty, it’s so Diamond Tiara can have a comfortable lifestyle and an inheritance that reflects how much I care about her. But if you want to abandon your husband and child so that you can go off gallivanting with some playcolt unicorn, then you go right ahead. Now that I know that our love was a lie, I can honestly say that I have no desire to stop you.”

Filthy Rich walked to the door and held it open, keeping his eyes locked on his deceitful wife. Unbeknownst to him, toddler Diamond Tiara was standing in the doorway, eavesdropping on her parents but apparently oblivious to the details of the conversation. A baby bottle dangled from the corner of her mouth, the nipple held fast between her clenched teeth. Pinkie Pie cooed softly at how adorable the filly used to be. She had almost forgotten that this was a memory of Diamond Tiara’s.

“I’ll sign that divorce paperwork the second your lawyer brings it through my door,” promised Filthy Rich. “The sooner I erase this mistake, the better. But remember: when your new meal ticket sees you for the two-faced, golddigging, tribist whore that you are, don’t even think about crawling back to me.”

“I’d sooner go back to the Equestrian embassy in Mareseilles and translate for eighteen bits an hour again.” Fleur Dis Lee levitated her suitcase and carried it with her to the bedroom door. Before reaching it, she stopped walking. She placed her suitcase on the floor, setting it on its wheels. She smirked devilishly at Filthy Rich. Her horn lit up again and she telekinetically sent the suitcase hurtling toward Filthy Rich where its hard corner struck him where it would cause the most pain. He yelped once, then crumpled to the floor and groaned in agony, placing his forelegs between his hind legs.

“Hey!” yelled Pinkie Pie. “That was a dirty move!”

Diamond Tiara giggled, causing her bottle to fall to the floor. Believing her father’s collapse to be a game, she played along by groaning and allowing her legs to slide out from underneath her until she lay belly first on the carpet. Fleur Dis Lee levitated her suitcase and walked through the bedroom door past her prone husband and child on her way to the front door. The filly watched her mother leave the room and she scrambled to her hooves.

“Wheah you goin’, Mama?” asked Diamond Tiara, trotting after the unicorn. “Wheah you goin’, Mama? Wheah you goin’, Mama? Mama? Wheah you goin’?”

“I’m leaving,” stated an agitated Fleur Dis Lee. “And I’m never coming back.”

Diamond Tiara whimpered with panic.

“No, Mama!” she begged. “Don’ go! I wuv you! Don’ go, Mama! P’ease!”

Fleur Dis Lee stopped walking and Diamond Tiara stopped trotting. Fleur set her suitcase down, spun around, and scowled at her daughter.

“Shut up, you stupid little potato!” shouted Fleur, lowering her head until she was nearly nose to nose with the filly. “I’m not your mother anymore! I never wanted to be a mother to a mudpony! And you can keep your love because I certainly don’t love you! As a matter of fact, I hate you!” Diamond Tiara’s lower lip trembled with grief at her mother’s declaration and her little eyes glistened with budding tears. “I hate you, your father, your whole dirty tribe, this revolting excuse for a mansion, and this Celestia awful two bit town!” She gestured to her horn with her right forehoof. “You see this? This makes me special. You don’t have one. Therefore, you’re... not... special.”

“That’s your baby you just yelled at, you piece of manure!” cried Pinkie as she repeatedly swung at Fleur Dis Lee wildly with her forelegs which passed harmlessly through the unicorn mare. “Oh, what I wouldn’t give to teach you a lesson! Filthy should’ve smashed your head in instead of Cheerilee’s!” Pinkie gasped and grimaced. “Oh, wow, I actually said that just now.”

Diamond Tiara glared angrily at the unicorn mare. She drew in a deep breath and spat in her mother’s face. Fleur flinched and shut her eyes. She stood up straight, levitated a cloth napkin from the nearby coffee table and calmly dried her face. Her expression of disgust evolved into one of rage.

“Oh, no,” whimpered Pinkie as she gnawed on her forehooves.

“Ordinarily, I’m content with leaving food preparation to the kitchen staff,” explained Fleur. “But I suddenly feel the urge to try my hoof at making a batch of mashed potatoes.” A wicked sneer took hold of the mare’s features as she levitated her suitcase and placed it on its wheels in front of Diamond Tiara. The suitcase continued to glow with a levitation aura.

Pinkie screamed. The mad unicorn mare meant to strike her foal with her luggage just as she struck her husband! Pinkie’s stomach flip-flopped at the thought of witnessing the abuse of an infant. Even if she closed her eyes to it, she would still hear the sickening collision of the suitcase and the subsequent crying of the injured filly.

“Allow me to assist madame to the door,” said Randolph, the family butler. Fleur Dis Lee squeaked as the earth pony butler planted his head against her backside and pushed her as he quickly marched her toward the front door with alarming strength.

Pinkie breathed a deep and grateful sigh of relief as she wiped her sweat-dampened forehead with her right foreleg.

Fleur Dis Lee’s hind legs were off the ground and she was sliding across the carpet on her forehooves. Before she had a chance to protest this rough treatment, she saw that the space between herself and the front door was rapidly shrinking. Rather than risk being slammed into the door, she telekinetically opened it. Without missing a beat, Randolph swiftly turned around and bucked Fleur in the derriere, sending her through the doorway. She squealed as she sailed through the air and landed gracelessly on the front lawn.

“Woo-hoooooo!” cheered Pinkie happily. “Way to go, Randy!”

The unicorn mare growled as she picked herself up and dusted herself off. She turned around to look back at the front door.

“How... dare you-AH!!” Fleur shrieked as she ducked her head, barely avoiding her suitcase which Randolph had also bucked all the way out to the front lawn. The door slammed shut.

Filthy Rich hobbled to the living room. Several of his servants gathered in the living room and offered to help him walk but he reassured them that he was fine.

“Thank you, Randolph,” said Filthy Rich, still in pain from the dastardly blow. “The former Mrs. Rich is no longer welcome in my home. I don’t suspect that she’ll return but just to be on the safe side, please have all the locks changed immediately.”

“With pleasure, sir,” said Randolph.

Filthy Rich approached his daughter and gingerly took a seat beside her. He picked her up in his forelegs and hugged her.

“I’m sorry, Diamond Tiara,” he said consolingly, sniffling woefully with each pause. “Your mama wasn’t the mare I thought she was. That was my fault. I thought she loved us but she fooled me. She won’t be coming back. Your daddy still loves you very much... so don’t you listen to what she said. You are very special. You’re my very special princess and nopony’s ever going to hurt you again; I promise.” He softly rocked back and forth as he held her.

The scowl didn’t leave Diamond Tiara’s face and she continued to stare at the front door through which her mother had passed for the last time.

Pinkie grimaced at the face the little filly was making. Pinkie had been a sitter for her employers’ children Pumpkin Cake and Pound Cake dozens of times and had dealt with their anger when they didn’t get what they wanted. Later on, they’d forget about whatever had upset them and they’d play with her again as though nothing happened. An infant’s mind wasn’t designed to retain grudges. Unfortunately for Diamond Tiara, she was no ordinary infant. Fleur Dis Lee’s hateful words had clearly left their mark on the filly.

“Oh, geez, let it out,” beseeched Pinkie. “That had to hurt. It’s okay to cry. See? You’re daddy’s crying.” Pinkie wiped a tear from the corner of her left eye. “Tartaros, even I’m crying. Just let it happen. Don’t hold it inside.”

Diamond Tiara stubbornly refused to yield to her grief. She wheezed in the attempt to slow her breathing until her grief yielded to her. And yield it did.

Pinkie sighed.

“You’re focusing on your anger instead, aren’t you?” asked Pinkie softly. “Aw, you poor thing.”

Pinkie thought about her own mother who she loved dearly and how, had she been abandoned the way Fleur Dis Lee had abandoned Diamond Tiara, she would have been a complete wreck. With such a vicious seed of cruelty and indifference planted in her little heart at such a tender age, it came as no surprise to Pinkie that hatred had sprouted forth during Diamond Tiara’s formative years and bore the bitter fruit that made up the Diamond Tiara of today.

“Pummee down, Dada,” said Diamond Tiara. “Wannago ou’side... inna backyod.”

Filthy Rich did as his daughter asked. Diamond Tiara walked to the back door.

“Sure, baby girl,” he said. “You can go outside and play in the backyard.” He nodded to one of his housekeepers to keep an eye on the filly as a servant brought him an ice pack for his aching testes.

Pinkie followed Diamond Tiara and the housekeeper outside into the backyard. The housekeeper took a seat on a nearby settee. Diamond Tiara approached a lone peach tree. She turned around and bucked the tree once. Then again. And again. She growled with anger each time her hind hooves came in contact with the trunk.

“I’ll bet that’s where your mom got her peaches, huh?” asked Pinkie as she lay on her belly and watched as Diamond Tiara kicked away at the tree.

This memory was not the gory spectacle that was Cheerilee’s death – but it was nevertheless traumatic to behold.

The shadows of the dimly lit sewer returned to Pinkie Pie’s eyes along with a thunderous ache in her empty tummy. She sprinted to the sack that Diamond Tiara brought and reached inside. She found a slightly bruised pie and plunged her face into it, eating the pastry voraciously. Halfway through chewing, her taste buds informed her that it was a blueberry pie. She unscrewed the cap from a bottle of spring water, placed it against her lips and chugged it. When her palate was free of foodstuffs, she licked her face free of purple pie filling and took a moment to breathe. She looked at the fillies who were both staring at her. Silver Spoon looked concerned while Diamond Tiara glared at her continuously. Clearly, the foals deserved an explanation. Pinkie cleared her throat and spoke up.

“I... I saw...”

“I know what you saw,” stated Diamond Tiara tersely. “Silver Spoon explained your ability to me. I didn’t believe it... until I heard you talking about what you were seeing.” Diamond Tiara approached Pinkie Pie and narrowed her eyes. “You had Silver Spoon’s consent to look into her memories. You didn’t bother asking for consent to look into mine. You took something that wasn’t yours to take.”

“This from the filly who swiped Miss Cheerilee’s medical record,” retorted Pinkie Pie.

“So, what, am I supposed to forfeit any expectation of privacy over that one thing? What I did doesn’t justify what you did. I admit that taking that file was wrong but two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“I’m just saying. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I got carried away... but, dear Celestia, Diamond Tiara. You’ve lived in Ponyville all your life. Way before Twist’s accident happened, why didn’t you tell me that your mom abandoned you? I was your friend. I could have helped you turn that frown upside down. But instead, you stapled it into place and pretended that nothing was wrong. Why?”

Diamond Tiara closed her eyes. She took in a deep breath, held it, and then released it through her mouth.

“First of all, I don’t have one of those things you mentioned,” she stated. “I had an egg donor who acted as a temporary living incubator. That’s the only significance that the mare you saw holds for me. Secondly, I didn’t tell anypony else about it because it was nopony else’s business. I made my pain work for me and dealt with it all on my own. You’d be surprised how much hatred can motivate you. And third, I didn’t tell you specifically because you’re so cheerful that, no offense, you kind of make me sick. Somepony like you could never have understood what I was going through. Your foalhood must have been ridiculously happy.”

Pinkie Pie touched her own chest with her right forehoof.

“My foalhood? Ridiculously happy? Is that what you think? Hee hee ha ha ha ha! Sheesh. We really weren’t as close as I thought we were. Gosh, my early foalhood was manure. If I didn’t have a trio of sisters going through the same thing along with me, I might have run away from home. I still have nightmares that I’m a filly again and that I never made it off the rock farm. It wasn’t until I took steps to change it that my life improved.”

“Well, you might not believe me but I’m taking my first steps to change my own life. A lot of crazy manure has happened to me lately and I’m still trying to process most of it but the bottom line is that I’m not the same filly that I was. And you’re lucky that’s the case... because if I was the same...” She pointed to an open sewer channel. “...I would have dunked your head in that sewer water and drowned you the minute I knew what your little vision trip was about.”

“I would have stopped you, Di,” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara didn’t turn around as she addressed Silver Spoon’s statement.

“No offense, Silver, but I know what I’m capable of. I doubt you would have stopped me.”

“And no offense to you, Diamond, but I know I would have stopped you.”

Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow and turned her head slowly to look at Silver Spoon. She frowned at her – but then grinned as she shrugged off the contradiction. She returned her attention to Pinkie Pie.

“O-kay, it looks like Big Bad Silver here would have stopped me. That makes you even luckier. I don’t know why you felt you had to scare the manure out of us the way you did instead of just asking us for some food and water but, quite frankly, my care cup is empty. I really could have done without this fillynapping hoax.”

Diamond Tiara smoothed her right forehoof across her forehead.

“Celestia, I feel like I’m back to square one. Thanks a lot. Anyway, you have your ransom so here’s what’s gonna happen: Silver and I are gonna leave and we’re not gonna tell anypony that we saw you. You want to stay down here? That’s your own business. After what you stole from me, I don’t care if you stay down here for the rest of your life. Good bye.” Diamond Tiara turned around, blushed, and grinned. “But, uh, if you do come up in about fifteen years, don’t forget to vote for me when I run for mayor.”

“Okwey,” said Pinkie Pie, her mouth full of a bite from a sourdough baguette. “Bwuh-bwye.”

“I’ll leave more food and water for you next to this same stallionhole tomorrow after dark, okay, Pinkie?” said Silver Spoon.

“Fank you, Filveh Fpoon.”

Silver Spoon climbed the ladder first with Diamond Tiara a few feet below her.

Diamond Tiara mistimed a step and one of the wheels of her harness got caught on a rung.

She screamed as she began to tip backward and plummeted back toward the sewer floor.

“DIAMOND!” shrieked Silver Spoon.

Pinkie spat out the baguette and zipped over to the ladder where she arrived just in time to catch the filly in her forelegs. Silver Spoon descended the ladder as quickly and safely as she could.

Diamond Tiara caught her breath. Apart from her right foreleg hurting from colliding with Pinkie’s head, she was basically unharmed.

“Well, this is just swell,” muttered Diamond Tiara, averting her eyes. “Juuuust swell. I suppose I owe you a debt of thanks for saving my neck.” She looked up at Pinkie’s face. “Although I think I’d almost rather have fall... AAAAH!!” Diamond Tiara quickly wriggled out of Pinkie’s grasp and ran to Silver Spoon.

“What’s the matter?” asked Silver Spoon, spotting the fear in her friend's face. “Are you all right?”

“Her eyes!” said Diamond Tiara. She stood beside Silver Spoon and pointed at Pinkie Pie. “Look at her eyes!”

Silver Spoon looked at Pinkie Pie and gasped.

Pinkie’s eyes were wide open – and they were as black as the night sky. The whites of her eyes were gone. Pinkie sat motionless on the dingy cobblestone floor.

“M-my eyes... s-so c-c-cold,” groaned Pinkie.

“Cold?” asked Silver Spoon. “She told me that her eyes burned when she saw inside a pony’s mind. And they were lit up like a flashlight when she saw my memory.”

“Just like when she saw mine. So why are they dark and cold now?”

“I don’t know. It’s the first I’ve seen of this.”

“Are you Diamond Tiara’s grandmother?” asked Pinkie.

“She’s having another vision,” posited Diamond Tiara. “She wasn’t wearing her hood and my foreleg hit her head when she caught me.”

“You have a grandmother?” said Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara shook her head.

“My dad said that she died years before I was born,” she noted. “And neither of us ever saw my grandmother on the other side of the family... so how could Pinkie see her? Isn’t she looking at a painful memory that I experienced?”

“Oh, my Celestia!” barked Pinkie Pie. “You are Diamond Tiara! And that must make you Silver Spoon! This isn’t the past – it’s the future!”

“Oh, gosh,” said Silver Spoon. “The future?”

“More importantly, it’s our future.” Diamond Tiara rubbed her chin as her eyes were fixed upon Pinkie. “We’re both gonna live to see old age.”

“Diamond Tiara, let’s leave. Now.”

“Not yet. I want to hear what she sees.”

“Well, I don’t! What if the painful memory she’s seeing is the day that I die, huh? I don’t want to live the rest of my life knowing exactly when that day is. Let’s go, Di. Please? I’m scared.”

“Then go.” Diamond Tiara waved her hoof dismissively at Silver Spoon while keeping her eyes glued to Pinkie Pie. “I want to stick around and see how this plays out.”

Silver Spoon stood on her hind legs and grabbed Diamond Tiara in a headlock.

"Now."

"Fine." Diamond Tiara walked with Silver Spoon toward the ladder, being pulled along as though she was some stubborn farm animal.

"I can't picture you married," said Pinkie.

Silver Spoon flinched and stopped walking. Married? She performed a U-turn with Diamond Tiara's neck in her grasp and they returned to where they stood earlier listening to Pinkie Pie. Silver Spoon released Diamond Tiara and stood on all fours once more.

"I thought you didn't want to stick around," said Diamond Tiara with a smirk, knowing exactly what caught her friend's attention.

"A little longer wouldn't hurt, I suppose," said Silver Spoon, blushing.

“Wait!” cried Pinkie. “What did it say? Oh, come on, somepony pick it up and open it again... or at least turn it right side up.”

Diamond Tiara looked at Silver Spoon.

“What do you suppose that means?” she asked.

“Your guess is as good as mine,” replied Silver Spoon.

“Seventy-seven?” said Pinkie.

Diamond Tiara shook her head in disgust.

“You’d think she’d do a play-by-play for our benefit instead of spouting off those vague sentence fragments,” she grumbled. “I mean, it’s not like she doesn’t know we’re here.”

Pinkie Pie’s breathing rate spiked and she appeared to be distraught.

“No,” said Pinkie. “No! Why? You can’t! Have you gone crazy? Don’t help her! She’s insane!”

Silver Spoon ground her teeth. The future didn’t sound very bright.

Pinkie’s eyes slowly returned to their normal blue color. She blinked a few times and then stared off into space, obviously troubled by the events she saw.

“Pinkie Pie,” said Silver Spoon. “What did you see?”

“Am I a legendary pony in the future?” asked Diamond Tiara with a smile.

Pinkie Pie winced as she focused on the two fillies.

“I saw both of you,” she said softly. “You’re old mares.” She slowly held out a trembling right foreleg and pointed to Diamond Tiara. “You.”

“Me? Me what? Come on, give me some details.”

“You cried and threw a fit... and... you vowed to destroy Equestria.”

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped.

“Destroy Equestria? Why would I do something as stupid as that?”

Pinkie kept her foreleg extended and moved it to her left where she pointed at Silver Spoon.

“...and you,” hissed Pinkie. “You agreed to help her.”

“Me?” asked Silver Spoon. “That can’t be right, Pinkie! I love Equestria! And so does Diamond Tiara. Don’t you, Di?” Silver Spoon waited for a reply but she didn’t get one. She turned to face Diamond Tiara. “Don’t you, Di?”

“Uh, I think ‘love’ might be a strong word,” replied Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon kicked Diamond Tiara in the flank in response to the comment. “I-I mean, yeah, I love Equestria! Who doesn’t? It’s my home. I’d like to rule it some day; why would I ever destroy it?”

“I don’t know... but I know what I saw and heard. Something about some book you read makes you cry and you go on a crazy rant about killing hundreds of thousands of Equestrians. Then you throw away that tiara you have on now, put on your old one, and you asked Silver Spoon to help you... and she agreed.”

“What book?” asked Silver Spoon. “What was in it?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t read it because it was dropped on the floor with the back cover side up... and I can’t pick up objects in my visions.”

“What color was it?”

Pinkie Pie turned around and walked a few paces away from the fillies. Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara looked at one another.

“Pinkie?”

“You two are gonna inherit a lot of money when you’re older,” said Pinkie. "Money is power... and with a lot of money comes a lot of power; maybe even enough to...”

Pinkie averted her eyes and sighed. She scrunched her eyes shut. She reached up with her right foreleg, lowered her mask over her face, put on her hood, and hung her head.

“Ever since I came down here, I’ve been asking myself why I’ve had so much bad luck... and now I have the answer. It was all so that I could see exactly what I just saw... so that I could do something about it. I know what needs to be done – even though I don’t want to do it.” Pinkie’s breathing was louder but muffled behind her mask. She lifted her head. She turned it ever so slowly toward the fillies. “I’m sorry... but if it’s between you two and Equestria... then Equestria wins.”

Diamond Tiara raised an eyebrow.

“Equestria wins what?” she asked. “You lost me.”

Pinkie began to walk toward Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

“Assuming that I’m still alive by then, I’ll be too old to stop you two from going on your countrywide massacre. I can’t let that future come to pass. I have to stop you now while I’m able-bodied.”

“W-What do you mean ‘s-stop us’?” asked Silver Spoon with a nervous grin, simultaneously wanting an answer and not wanting an answer.

A sustained sob sounded out from behind Pinkie’s mask. It was followed by a sniffle.

“You can’t grow old if you die while you’re young,” she quavered. “It’s the only way I can be sure. I’m so sorry, guys. I don’t want to kill you but if I don’t, countless others will suffer and die. You understand, don’t you?”

Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara backed away from Pinkie Pie at the same speed at which she was walking toward them.

“Pi...Pinkie Pie,” whimpered Silver Spoon. “I-I’m your friend.”

“I know,” wailed Pinkie. “But so are the ponies in Ponyville. That’s where you’ll start. My family lives there. Do you understand? My... family.”

“Wh-What if we promise not to destroy anything?”

“I wish I could believe you... but a lot can happen in all that time. You might forget you made that promise or decide to change your mind. I have no guarantee that you’ll keep your word.”

“Wait a minute, Pinkie,” said Diamond Tiara as she quickly wiped sweat from her brow. “Let’s be reasonable here. I’ve read a few science fiction books about time travel. The future might not necessarily be set in stone. What you saw might have only been one possible future, meaning that it isn’t guaranteed to happen. By warning Silver and me about this ahead of time, I’ll bet that you’ve already prevented that future from happening. If you... do something drastic to us in the present, you’ll have spilled innocent blood. Isn’t protecting innocents what you’re all about?”

Pinkie stopped walking.

“I want to believe that. But... what if it is set in stone?”

Diamond Tiara grimaced.

“Well, yeah, that is a different theory; one which I like a lot right now.” She gulped. “If the future is set in stone, then your attempt to kill us is destined to fail because your vision proves that we live long enough to fulfill the event that you saw... so you might as well not even bother.”

Pinkie Pie shook her head.

“I can’t take that chance. I’ll put that second theory to the test. Don’t move. I’ll bother.”

Diamond Tiara’s mouth hung open, uncertain of how to counter that statement.

“Y’know, admittedly, that theory miiiight have a slight hole or two in it. I may have left out something about a justifiable fight-or-flight survival instinct. Silver? Flight?”

“Definitely flight.”

The fillies turned tail and ran down a corridor.

“Come back here!” shouted Pinkie Pie as she ran after them.

Their hoofsteps echoed through the catacomblike tunnels of the sewer. Silver Spoon’s heart pounded so hard and fast that it hurt. She knew what it was like to literally run for her life back when she fled the Cutie Mark Crusaders’s clubhouse. This time, however, she was actively being chased – and if she failed to stay ahead of her pursuer, she was as good as dead.

There were no ladders leading to the surface along this tunnel.

And Silver Spoon’s terror heightened when she realized that, even if she had encountered a ladder up ahead, Pinkie Pie would be upon her and Diamond Tiara way before they’d have enough time to climb it.

Though she didn’t want to, she would have to stand and fight an adult if there was to be any hope for survival.

Pinkie caught up with Diamond Tiara, the slower of the two, and swatted her alunimum harness with a sway of her cloaked head. Diamond Tiara screamed as she took a tumble on the nasty ground and Pinkie instinctively hopped over the fallen foal to avoid tripping over her. She stopped and ran back to her fallen prey.

Overhearing her beloved’s cry, Silver Spoon skidded to a halt and ran back, running at full speed toward Pinkie Pie who was standing over Diamond Tiara with her forehooves raised, poised to attack her friend.

Operating on sheer adrenaline, Silver Spoon ran behind Pinkie Pie and bucked the mare in the plot. Pinkie yelped and curled up into a ball on the floor, holding her forelegs between her thighs.

“OOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooh-hoo-hoo-hooooooo-right-on-the-party-pocket,” she lamented through clenched teeth.

Pinkie looked up and saw that the fillies had fled. Off in the distance, she could hear the sound of hooves rapidly clacking against iron ladder rungs and, then, silence. She crawled to the ladder where she had caught Diamond Tiara.

"If only I had just let her fall," she muttered. "But this isn't over, you two. If it takes me the rest of my life to do it, I'll see that you don't live long enough to do harm to the land I love." Pinkie sniffed. "Is that flan?" Pinkie burrowed into the food sack. "It IS flan! Om nom nom nom nom..."

Author's Note

This chapter is dedicated to i_am_the_jam.

Solidarity

A pair of tiny hearts pounded rapidly in time with the frantic hooffalls of their respective owners as Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara sped across the grassy fields and dirt roads of Ponyville side by side. They ran so far that they left the high rent district behind them and were now running through the middle of town.

Silver Spoon felt that the distance they had cleared was great enough to chance a look behind them. Without stopping or slowing, she turned her head. Even with the moon and the few lampposts they had passed as her only light source, she could tell that there was nopony chasing them.

“Di,” huffed Silver Spoon, facing forward once again. “We’re... far enough... away. I think we... can stop now.”

“No,” huffed Diamond Tiara, her overworked forelegs a blurred tribute to the act of locomotion. “We’ll stop when... we reach... the police station.”

Silver Spoon slowed down to let Diamond Tiara take the lead. Once she had fallen behind, she caught the end of Diamond Tiara’s tail in her mouth, bit down, and planted all four hooves into the dirt road, raising a medium-sized dust cloud in the process. Diamond Tiara grunted as she tried to press onward with her forelegs. Unable to gain any ground, she turned around and looked at Silver Spoon,

“What are you doing?” asked an irritated Diamond Tiara. Silver Spoon released her friend’s tail from her mouth.

“Di, we’re not ratting Pinkie out to the police.”

“Like Tartaros we’re not! She told us she wants to kill us! Doesn’t that alarm you?”

“Of course it does... but what she did wasn’t normal for her. She could have just been delirious from being dehydrated... or maybe the potion she drank at Zecora’s was a poison and she’s having hallucinations.”

“She sure seemed healthy enough to me; at least healthy enough for attempted murder. I doubt she’s gonna give up just because we got away from her once.

“I understand how you feel but-”

“But nothing! I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sleep with one eye open until she keels over of old age. She needs to be behind bars!”

“Hey, you fillies go on home if you’re gonna yell like that at this hour,” said a stallion whose voice came from one of the nearby houses. The girls turned around to see that it was Mr. Breezy who had spoken to them from the front door of his home. He was dressed in his sleeping cap and pajamas and looked none too pleased about being disturbed from his slumber.

“Sorry, Mr. Breezy,” said Silver Spoon. “We’ll be quieter; we promise.”

Mr. Breezy nodded once and went back inside his house. Diamond Tiara eyeballed him with mild suspicion.

“You know that stallion?” asked Diamond Tiara in a softer voice.

“Sure, that’s Mr. Breezy,” replied Silver, using the same lower volume as Diamond Tiara. “He owns the town fan shop. I wandered in there one day and had a short chat with him. Decent guy. Funny, too.”

Diamond Tiara looked around to confirm that Pinkie was not around.

“Guess we really did made a clean getaway, huh?” she asked.

“That is what I was trying to tell you earlier.”

“Oh; what did you hit her with, anyway? She dropped like a rock back there.”

“Hm? Oh, with my hindhooves.” Silver Spoon shifted her weight forward and demonstrated by kicking her hind legs out at the air behind her. “I bucked her in the hoo-hoo.”

Diamond Tiara sputtered, closed her eyes, and then quickly covered her mouth with her forehooves. Silver Spoon got the impression that Diamond Tiara was weeping but she was actually laughing.

“You... you gave Pinkie Pie a cunt punt,” she whimpered, trying her best to reduce the volume of her laughter.

Silver Spoon blushed and smirked.

“What did you want me to do; try to take her on in a fair fight? I did the first thing I could think of to stop her before she hurt you.”

“Well, it worked.” Diamond Tiara wiped her eyes with her foreleg. “I owe you one.”

“You can repay the favor by hearing me out.” Silver Spoon pointed to Diamond Tiara’s harness. “Do you have any idea how much faster than you I can run with that thing strapped to your hind legs? I could have left you in the dust while she was busy wringing your neck but I went back for you because you’re my friend. I will never give up on my friends.” Silver Spoon stood nearly nose to nose with Diamond Tiara. “So, do you respect that kind of devotion?”

“It saved my skin so I guess I have to.”

“Okay.” Silver Spoon raised her right foreleg and pointed in the direction from which they initally fled the sewer. “Pinkie is also my friend.” She placed her foreleg back on the ground. “I’m not gonna let either of you come to harm if I can help it and I’m gonna help either of you when I think you need it.” Diamond Tiara turned her head and kept quiet as Silver Spoon spoke further. “I have an idea that doesn’t involve the police. Let’s go see Princess Twilight instead. We can tell her that we spotted Pinkie Pie going into the sewer... but we were never attacked.”

Diamond Tiara turned her head back to face Silver Spoon. She opened her mouth in an attempt to rebut with a protest but Silver Spoon cut her off by plugging her mouth up with her right forehoof.

“We were neverrrrr.... attacked,” reiterated Silver Spoon sternly.

Diamond Tiara frowned and took two steps backward, freeing her mouth of Silver’s hoof. She gently spat a blade of grass from her mouth and failed to suppress a grin.

“You put grass in my mouth just now,” chuckled Diamond Tiara.

Silver Spoon grinned and giggled.

“I did?” she asked. “Hee hee hee. Sorry about that.” When the incident had lost its comedic novelty, Silver Spoon continued telling Diamond Tiara her idea. “I’m almost positive that Princess Twilight isn’t gonna call the police to catch Pinkie unless there’s absolutely no other way to catch her themselves. I’ll bet that they won’t even wait until morning to go in after her. She and her friends will bring Pinkie back to the surface where they can look after her. If there’s any hope for her to be cured, it’s with them.”

“But what if she can’t be cured?”

Silver Spoon shifted her jaw as she contemplated that possibility.

“If she can’t be cured and she’s still Tartarusbent on killing us, then I guess she’ll have to be institutionalized. That’s kind of the same as being locked up.” She wrinkled her brow and bit her lip wistfully as she waited for Diamond Tiara’s reply.

The pink earth pony filly rolled her eyes, closed them, and hung her head. Silver Spoon fidgeted as Diamond Tiara remained uncharacteristically silent for a while.

“All right,” she said resolutely as she stood up straight and reopened her eyes, blinking several times. “I think my idea is a better long term solution but – because she’s a friend of yours, we’ll handle this your way.”

Silver Spoon blinked.

“W-We will?”

“Yeah, but let’s hurry, okay? I’m exhausted. I want a shower and a bed as soon as possible.” Diamond Tiara’s eye caught the moonbeams bouncing off the massive crystal star atop the Castle of Friendship. As she trotted in its direction, Silver Spoon followed her.

“You’re seriously gonna do this my way?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Yeah. Is that so surprising?”

“Very. I didn’t think you’d go along with it without putting up more of a fight. You’re usually pretty insistent on doing things your way.”

“What are you talking about? I let you have your way sometimes.”

“When? Name one time.”

A smirk crept up on Diamond Tiara’s face.

“I let you have that ice cream float once.” She rolled her eyes innocently and scrunched her lips to suppress a smile.

“You were SUPPOSED to let me have that ice cream float, you gooney bird!” squawked Silver Spoon, half-appalled and half-amused by such an outrageous statement. She sidestepped into Diamond Tiara to shove her playfully with her shoulder and Diamond Tiara chuckled at the reaction. “It was mine to begin with and you swiped it from me right in front of my face.”

“Okay, you’ve made your point. Well, you’ll be happy to know that you’ll be getting your way more often. I’m a changed filly now and it wouldn’t do me any good to ignore the wise advice of my best friend or my PR pony.”

Diamond Tiara’s ear rotated as it detected a sniffle. She stopped walking, turned around and saw that Silver Spoon had fallen behind. She was standing still and crying softly. Diamond Tiara’s ears drooped and she gave an irritated sigh as she walked back to her emotionally distraught friend.

“What now?” bemoaned Diamond Tiara, taking care not to sound too harsh.

“I’m sorry,” whimpered Silver Spoon as she raised her glasses with her right forehoof and rubbed her eyes with her left. “It’s just that... now that I have time to think about it... I’m sad that you couldn’t confide in me about what your female parent did to you.”

Diamond Tiara facehoofed.

“Oh, for the love of– You’re beating yourself up over that?” Silver Spoon nodded. “Well, don’t. If none of the foal psychologists that my dad took me to see could break down my walls, nopony could. Keeping it to myself had nothing to do with you and everything to do with me.” Her expression softened. “But if it makes you feel any better, if I had ever decided to let my guard down and confide in anypony, it would have been with you. Now that the cat’s out of the bag, I can give you more details about her if you want.”

Silver Spoon reached out and hugged Diamond Tiara’s neck.

“When I think about somepony hurting my beautiful Diamond’s feelings... it hurts me.” She lifted her glasses with her right forehoof, rubbed her eyes, and returned her foreleg to the task of hugging. “And when the pony who hurt you was somepony who should have loved you... I’m just so sorry I couldn’t help you.”

Diamond Tiara grinned. She lifted her right forehoof and patted Silver Spoon’s foreleg.

“Hey, what’s done is done.” Diamond Tiara unwound her friend’s forelegs from around her neck, prompting Silver Spoon to place her forelegs back down to stand on all fours. “I appreciate the thought but there was nothing that anypony could have done about it, let alone you. We were both really little. Plus I’m pretty sure you were going through your own stuff with your parents at the time.”

Silver Spoon nodded. She sniffled and wiped her nose on her foreleg.

“Mm. Y’know, when I was younger, I used to cry when my parents left the estate because I missed them and wanted them to stay. But when I got older and stopped crying when they’d leave, I remember thinking ‘why doesn’t it bother me anymore when they go away?’ and I guess it was because I was old enough to understand that they didn’t care. Whether I cried or didn’t cry, they left me behind every time to go back to their studios. Why bother getting upset over it, right? Now, I’m likelier to cry when they are around.”

As they stood eye to eye, Silver Spoon recoiled slightly at an inexplicable frown that had formed on Diamond Tiara’s face.

“Remember when I said I didn’t mind forehead kisses?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Y-Yeah?”

Diamond Tiara’s frown revealed itself to be false as a grin quickly took its place. She lay her right foreleg behind Silver Spoon’s head and gently pressed down to lower it. Silver Spoon found her snout nearly touching Diamond Tiara’s chest. One moment later, she found her heart and soul instantly transported to a sea of pure bliss as she felt an angel’s lips grace her forehead for the first time.

Diamond Tiara released Silver Spoon and took a step backward. Silver lifted her head and stared blankly at Diamond Tiara. With a single forehead kiss, her friend had wiped away her sorrows and, as she felt her face turn bright red, she wondered if her beautiful diamond was truly aware of the level of power that those lips had over her. There was some bittersweetness that came with the knowledge that she would never feel them press against her own lips but not enough to sully this moment. If this was the closest thing to a kiss as she was ever going to get, she would treasure it for as long as she lived – and dare to hope for many more just like it.

“Now can we get a move on before I collapse from exhaustion?” asked Diamond Tiara as she resumed her trip to the castle.

Silver Spoon shook her head vigorously to return herself to the here and now.

“Y-Yeah, sure,” she replied, shuffling along after her to be by her side.

“Hey, after we wrap things up with Princess Twilight, do you wanna sleep over tonight?”

“I’d love to... but I’ll need to run back to my house to let Bertram know that I’m spending the night at your place.”

“Okay. Want me to tag along?”

“Sure. I have to be back at my place early for tutoring tomorrow morning so we can’t stay up too late, okay?”

“No argument here. How’s that whole home schooling thing going, by the way?”

“Not too bad. The tutor’s a really nice guy. Now that we’re friends again, were you still interested in enrolling in his classes with me?”

“You bet. I just have to talk to my dad about it and he’ll get the necessary paperwork drawn up and all that. Oh, say, do you remember Zippoorwhill?”

“Zippoorwhill... Zippoorwhill...” Silver Spoon pushed her cheek out with her tongue, lost in thought. “Where have I heard that name before?”

“The first runner-up in the LME pageant?”

“Oh, yeahhhhh; that hyper pegasus filly who kept hovering above the stage every three minutes.”

“Uh-huh.” Diamond Tiara grinned. “She and I are friends now.”

“Really? When did this happen?”

“Earlier today.”

“Is she here in Ponyville?”

“Nah, I bumped into her at the Canterlot train station. She’s in Las Pegasus.”

“What were you doing all the way in Canterlot?”

Diamond Tiara hesitated.

“Shopping.”

“Did you get anything cool?”

Diamond Tiara hesitated again.

“My new tiara.”

“Ah. Did Zippoorwhill have anything to do with you apologizing to me?”

“I’d say she played a part in it; yeah.”

“Huh. Then I guess I owe her a debt of thanks.”

“She remembers you, you know.”

“No kidding?”

“No kidding. And she totally wants to hang out with both of us.”

“Well, can you blame her? We are pret-ty cool, after all.”

“Yep. Oh, and she’s a filly-fooler, too. Who knows; maybe you two will hit it off and start dating.”

Silver Spoon shot Diamond Tiara a look of suspicion.

“You are so lying,” blurted Silver Spoon.

Diamond Tiara grunted.

“You’re getting better at seeing through my lies,” she remarked with a smirk. “Stop that.”

As they made their way to the castle, Diamond Tiara ground her teeth. Silver Spoon was not as good at detecting lies as she led her to believe.

And that suited Diamond Tiara’s needs just fine.

“Goodness gracious!” exclaimed Rarity. “Why, I don’t think I’ve ever seen this many tiny stones set in a single piece! I’d love to know the name of the jeweler who cut them.”

Fluttershy smiled nervously and fidgeted in her throne as Rarity held her foreleg while enthusiastically inspecting her diamond wedding bracelet with a jeweler’s loupe. She was in the company of her best friends minus the still missing Pinkie Pie. This late night gathering in the throne room was for the surprise announcement to Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash, all of who were unaware that their friend had recently tied the knot.

“Here’s what I’d love to know,” stated Rainbow Dash as she glared at Fluttershy. “Have you lost your mind?” The irritated weather pony hovered over the map table with her forelegs crossed over her chest.

“Oh, go easy on her, Rainbow Dash,” said Rarity as she continued to inspect the diamonds set within the bracelet. “Fluttershy is a smart, independent young mare – and it’s every mare’s prerogative to better her station in life by whatever means are available to her.”

“Oh, um, actually, Rarity,” said Fluttershy, “I signed a prenuptial agreement before Richie and I eloped. I’m not legally entitled to any of his money.”

Rarity’s loupe fell from her eye and swung pendulum style from the chain around her neck.

“I see.” Rarity closed her eyes, cleared her throat, placed her forehooves on either side of Fluttershy’s face, and squeezed her cheeks together. “HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND!?”

Fluttershy gently pushed Rarity’s forehooves away.

“No, I haven’t,” declared Fluttershy. “It was my idea to have the prenup written up, you guys. I want Richie’s love; not his money. Applejack, Rarity; you two have been my friends since I came to Ponyville. And Rainbow Dash; you’ve been my friend even longer than that. Have any of you ever known me to be motivated by money?” Nopony answered.

“You sure as Tartaros weren’t motivated by common sense,” posited Rainbow Dash. “You married a murderer... and you tricked me so that you could go through with it.”

The butter yellow pegasus glared at Rainbow Dash.

“Yer talkin’ about her husband, Rainbow Dash,” stated Applejack tersely. “Show a little respect.”

“Well, excuse me, but murder’s a pretty hard thing to overlook.”

“So is this,” muttered Rarity as she rolled onto her back and took Fluttershy’s wedding band foreleg between all four hooves, cooing as she marveled at the tiny diamonds with her loupe again.

“Rainbow does kinda has a point there, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “Ah’m all fer romance an’ all that mushy stuff... but marryin’ a fella who confessed ta murder? You’ve gotta understand that we’re more than a little worried aboutcha.”

Rarity sat up, removed her loupe via telekinesis, and cleared her throat.

“Now, Fluttershy, darling, I mean no disrespect to you or your husband,” she said. “but, exquisite baubles aside, I feel that Applejack speaks for all of us. You’re such a sweet, trusting soul and, as your friends, we’re simply looking out for your best interests. The timing of your marriage is rather... um... shall we say... unfortunate?”

Fluttershy didn't answer Rarity. She was still glaring at Rainbow Dash.

“You think you’re so much better than my husband, don’t you, Dashie?” asked Fluttershy.

“Hah! Do you even have to ask? I know I’m better.”

“Applejack? Do you think you’re better than Richie?”

Applejack scratched the back of her head and chuckled awkwardly.

“Well, ah mean, ah don’t go around sayin’ ah’m better than anypony but ah ain’t never beat a pony ta death, neither... so there’s that.”

“See?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Applejack gets it.”

“So you all think you’re better than Richie,” stated Fluttershy.

“Just a moment,” said Rarity. “You didn’t ask me.”

“Did I need to?”

Rarity closed her eyes and primped her mane.

“Heavens, no... but you should have asked me regardless. It’s rude to exclude me.”

“Well, since it’s unanimous, I’ll give you all a chance to prove just how much better than him you all are.”

“And we’re gonna do that how, exactly?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“By having you participate in a demonstration. Twilight? The sack and pointer, please.”

Twilight nodded. She telekinetically opened the compartment under Fluttershy’s throne and removed two items: a filled burlap sack and a long, smooth wooden stick. Fluttershy used her mouth to pluck the pointer out of the air as Twilight rested the bag on the edge of the map.

“This is a chalkboard pointer,” stated Fluttershy. She held it in her hoof and lifted it for everypony to see. “It’s similar to the one used by Cheerilee.” Fluttershy looked at Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash. “The first part of this demonstration involves me hitting each of you once across the backside with it.”

Rainbow Dash squeaked and quickly placed her forehooves over her rear end.

“What kind of sick demonstration is this?” she asked.

“I’m not doing it for fun,” replied Fluttershy. “I’m trying to prove a point.”

“How does whacking my butt with a stick prove a point?”

“Get down here and I’ll show you.” Fluttershy

Rainbow Dash reluctantly lowered herself to the floor and stood on all fours.

Rarity blinked nervously and primped her mane as she approached Fluttershy.

“Ah, Fluttershy, darling, I’d, ah... I’d like to decline to be a part of this demonstration,” said Rarity, smiling nervously. “It’s not very... ladylike.”

Fluttershy shook her head.

“All three of you are participating,” she declared.

“Three? Why does Twilight get a pass?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Because she understands that she’s not better than anypony; not even my husband.” Twilight gave a halfhearted grin. “Now if there are no further interruptions, I’ll begin.”

“You’re taking this awfully well,” said Rainbow Dash to Applejack.

“It’s just one smack,” noted Applejack. “Shoot, ah remember mah Granny Smith givin’ me a lickin’ one time fer playin’ with her kitchen matches. Sure learned mah lesson. Ah never went near them matches again.”

Fluttershy walked behind Rarity. Sweat drops raced down the unicorn’s forehead.

“Oh, are we... starting with me?” she asked nervously.

Fluttershy wound her foreleg back and struck Rarity’s rump with the pointer. The sound it created rent the silence of the throne room like a clap of thunder.

“YYYES!!” screamed Rarity with elation.

Everypony turned to silently stare at Rarity whose face was crimson with embarrassment. Her eyes shot around the room to meet the eyes of her friends who were quite puzzled by her reaction.

“Y-Yes... is... what you should have said before hitting me,” noted Rarity softly. “I was expecting you to answer me with a ‘yes’ first so that I could brace myself for the impact. I wasn’t prepared for – WHY ARE YOU ALL LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?!”

The ponies who were looking at Rarity now looked away from her.

Fluttershy struck Rainbow Dash next.

“YOW!!” cried Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy then struck Applejack. The earth pony flinched from the discomfort caused by the pointer.

“Gold-durn-it, that smarts,” she grunted, rubbing her rump with her right forehoof.

“Did you have to hit me so hard?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, she hit me just as hard as she hit you, ya big baby,” Applejack reminded her.

“Yeah... but my rump is lean. Yours can take it because it’s so huge and fat.”

Applejack neighed at the insult.

“You need ta getcher eyes checked cause this here rump o' mine gets worked off daily from sunrise ta sunset!” she barked. “The only fatty deposit around here is the one between yer danged ears.”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash suddenly flinched. They turned to look at Twilight. The alicorn looked at them with a grin and waved. Having no interest in calling forth Twilight’s Royal Canterlot Voice again, the bickering friends shelved their argument for another time.

“Now, on a scale of one to five,” said Fluttershy, “raise your foreleg if you would rate the pain you felt from the pointer as a one.”

There was no response.

“Two out of five?”

Still no response.

“Three out of five? Four out of five?”

The three participants raised a foreleg.

“So it’s unanimous; getting hit with this thing even once isn’t very fun. To a foal, it would hurt a lot more so add two to that number you selected. Now follow me.” Fluttershy flew to the map table and the girls walked there to join her. “Okay, the witnesses stated that Diamond Tiara got hit for a little under a minute straight before the attack stopped. We’re going to simulate the duration of that attack. I’m going to hit this bag of Critter Chow with the pointer for fifty seconds straight.”

“That’s what it’s called?” asked Applejack, raising an eyebrow and wrinkling her nose. “Just ‘Critter Chow’?”

“Yes.”

“No brand name or nuthin’?”

“It’s government issued so no.”

“How many different species o’ critters’ does Critter Chow feed?”

“A few.”

“How many is a few?”

“Around... thirty, I think.”

“Thirty? How’s that even possible?” She walked to the bag and examined it. “Shoot, ah might have ta get some o’ this fer mah farm animals if it feeds that many. Probably cut down on expenses.” Applejack turned the bag upright and held it as she looked at the ingredients on the label. “Well, wouldja look at that? There’s dried apple in this.”

Fluttershy struck Applejack’s hoof with the pointer. The blow was not intended to cause harm as Fluttershy could have easily hit one of Applejack’s more sensitive body parts. Startled by the sound, Applejack retracted her forelegs and released the bags.

“Focus, AJ.”

“Right. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. Now, as I was saying, I’m going to hit this bag repeatedly. You all felt how badly it hurts. As I hit it, I want you all to close your eyes. Rainbow Dash, every time you hear this bag getting hit, I want you to imagine somepony hitting Scootaloo on the bottom with the pointer, okay?”

“This is weird but... okay.”

“Applejack, I want you to imagine the same scenario except with Apple Bloom.”

“Mah little sis would never do what Diamond Tiara did ta Cheerilee.”

“I’m not suggesting that she would. All I’m saying is that you imagine she’s being hit.” She turned to face Rarity. “And Rarity, picture Sweetie Belle in the same situation. Ready?” Fluttershy approached the sack on the table and nodded to Twilight. The alicorn princess conjured a wall clock and levitated it above the table within sight of Fluttershy. “I’ll begin as soon as the second hand on the clock reaches the twelve.”

The second hand reached the twelve and Fluttershy began to hit the bag repeatedly. The mares blinked from the sound of the first strike upon the bag. They associated the hit they felt on their rumps with a similar strike on their loved ones. They knew that the Cutie Mark Crusaders had no love for pain and would easily be brought to tears within the first three strikes of the pointer.

“That’s ten seconds,” noted Fluttershy without pausing in her assault on the sack. “Picture them screaming.”

The thumping of the pointer against the burlap bag went on.

“Twenty. Picture them crying.”

Fluttershy maintained a steady pace.

“Thirty. Picture them bleeding.”

A dust cloud of pulverized chow was now wafting through the air.

“Forty. Picture them so scared that they lose control of their bladder.”

After a few more seconds had passed. The thumping finally came to an end.

“And that makes fifty.”

Fluttershy placed the pointer on the table and caught her breath. She coughed and flew to a small refreshment stand where she poured herself a glass of ice water. She chugged it down, dabbed her forehead with a cloth napkin, and returned to her friends.

“Fifty seconds is an eternity when you’re being hurt, humbled, and humiliated,” she noted. “Suppose that it was the Cutie Mark Crusaders who were attacked instead of Diamond Tiara. You love those fillies. Wouldn’t the news of their abuse make you sick? Upset? Furious? Out of your mind with rage?” Fluttershy’s long pink locks bobbed as she turned her head quickly to face Applejack. “Applejack, you said you’ve received a lickin’ from Granny Smith. Was that lickin’ fifty seconds long?”

“Nah. Three – maybe four seconds, tops.”

“Were they administered with something this big?”

“Nah. She just used a switch. It smarted somethin’ fierce as I recall but it didn’t smart nuthin’ like that there pointer did.”

“With that in mind, what if you had heard that the pony who sent Apple Bloom, your flesh and blood, to the emergency room was hiding in your barn? Could you contain your anger long enough to find a police officer?”

Applejack closed her eyes.

“Honestly? No.” She opened her eyes with a grimace. “Did Diamond Tiara really get hit fer that long?”

“At least that long. She needed over a dozen stitches to repair the damage done to her rump.”

“An’ she went ta the bathroom on the classroom floor?”

“With all of the students watching.”

Applejack swallowed and averted her eyes.

“Land sakes, Cheerilee.”

Fluttershy walked to Rarity. The unicorn was trembling slightly and covering her mouth with her left forehoof.

“What about you, Rarity?” asked Fluttershy. “You love your little sister every bit as much as Applejack loves her little sister. What if it was Sweetie Belle who was mercilessly brutalized and you knew where to find her attacker? Would you be able to calm down enough to gallop to the police station to report the incident and let the authorities handle it by the book?”

“I...” Rarity paused and averted her eyes. The corner of Fluttershy’s mouth curled in a brief smirk – for she new that the demonstration had had the desired effect on Rarity.

“I’ll take that as a no.”

Fluttershy left the unicorn to her contemplation. She approached Rainbow Dash next.

“And what about you, Rainbow Dash?” Rainbow folded her forelegs, flapped her wings, and hovered above the table once again. Annoyed, Fluttershy did the same and hovered beside her. “I know you too well, Miss Kick-Flank-First-And-Ask-Questions-Later. There’s no way that you wouldn’t leave a sonic rainboom in your wake to catch up with Scootaloo’s abuser if you knew where he or she was so you could teach them a lesson.”

Rainbow Dash pursed her lips petulantly and turned her back to Fluttershy.

“No comment,” muttered Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy grabbed Rainbow Dash in a hug from behind and beat her wings faster to account for the added weight she now bore. Rainbow Dash spat out a short yelp, unaccustomed to having her wings suddenly held still.

“If it means anything, I’m sorry I had to trick you,” said Fluttershy. “I hope you can forgive me some day.”

Rainbow Dash wriggled out of Fluttershy’s grasp. She flew under her own power again – and kept her back turned to Fluttershy.

“Don’t you worry none, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “Rainbow’s as tough as they come but when her pride’s wounded, she tends ta sulk fer a while.”

“Hmph,” remarked Rainbow Dash.

Fluttershy sighed dejectedly. She lowered herself over her throne and sat in it. She faced her friends who had also taken their seats – Rainbow Dash included.

“It’s called parental instinct, girls,” said Fluttershy. “Animals that raise their young respond with deadly force when some dangerous predator threatens them. That instinct is invaluable because it’s what allows their species to survive. Ponies aren’t much different. Though we may be intelligent, that instinct is still imprinted in the back of our minds. If somepony or something tries to hurt the little ones in our care, the heart beats faster, the adrenaline pumps, and civility goes out the window. The response is primal, not logical.”

She looked at Applejack and Rarity, noticing that she had their undivided attention. Rainbow Dash’s mindset was not as easy to read; either she was listening while pretending to be indifferent or indifferent while pretending to listen.

“I’m not saying that Richie should have ended Cheerilee’s life,” continued Fluttershy. “You know me well enough to know that I don’t wish anypony dead. Nor am I saying that he did the right thing by ending Cheerilee’s life. I’m only saying that we all have ponies that we love and those instincts can temporarily override our ability to do the right thing. In the heat of the moment, things can happen. Just when Richie needed his rational thinking the most, he gave in to his instincts... but he wouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place if Cheerilee hadn’t hurt Diamond Tiara first.”

Fluttershy flapped her wings and left her throne, flying a few feet above the map table.

“Richie did a very bad thing to somepony who also did a very bad thing. That doesn’t make him a hardened criminal. He’s done a lot of good for the citizens of this town. He’s created jobs, he’s made donations to charities... and, yes, he took a life... but he did what any emotionally distraught parent or guardian in this town would have felt compelled to do. He went too far but I know in my heart that he’s no further threat to anypony who hasn’t provoked him by hurting his loved ones. And you’re going to think me lovesick for saying this but, oh... I just know that he didn’t marenap or rape Cheerilee. His story makes way more sense than what everypony thinks he did! I’d bet my life that he’d pass a Seeds of Truth test without batting an eye.” Fluttershy hung her head, closed her eyes, and sighed. “If only the seeds were admissible in court.”

She opened her eyes and looked at her friends.

“That’s everything I’ve got, girls. If any of you still think you’re better than my husband after my demonstration, I honestly don’t know how else to argue my point. I can only add that I know that I’m just as safe in his company as his daughter is.”

“We get where yer comin’ from, Fluttershy,” said Applejack. “Honest, we do. And if you believe in his innocence ‘bout his other charges, then we support this marriage.”

“I once told that bully of a dragon that I’d rip him to shreds if he had hurt Spikey-wikey,” stated Rarity, breaking her silence. “If anypony or anything had tormented my little sister the way Cheerilee hurt Diamond Tiara...” Rarity bit her lower lip and shook her head slowly, taking her time to complete her thought. “...I’d do something terrible to them.” She took a deep breath and exhaled. “Yes, Celestia forgive me, but I do believe I’d do something quite terrible to them.”

“Ya mean like sing ‘Diamonds of Three, How Ah Love Thee’ ta them?” asked Applejack with a sly grin.

Rarity smirked.

“Go to Tartarus, Applejack,” suggested Rarity.

Applejack chuckled and then turned to face Twilight.

“All kiddin’ aside; Twilight? Ah don’t know exactly whatcha can and cain’t talk about regardin’ the trial but this weddin’ has got to put you in an awful bind, seein’ as how you’re the actin’ judge. Ah mean, you might have ta sentence him ta aitch-ay-en-gee.”

“Not only can I spell, Applejack,” said Fluttershy, “but I’m also right here. You can say ‘hang’. I won’t be offended.”

“Right, got it, Shy. So, since you’ve been so quiet, sugarcube, I’m wondering how you’re takin’ this latest development.”

Twilight pushed her left cheek out with her tongue and retracted it. She grinned and broke her silence, hoping that Applejack, representing the spirit of Honesty, wouldn’t pick up on the half-truths in her answer.

“I’m okay with it,” she said. “And so is she. I’ve spoken to Fluttershy privately and she’s graciously agreed not to hold my final impartial decision against me. We both knew what we were getting ourselves into when we took on our respective... endeavors. And even if I didn’t see it coming, a princess must be ready for anything. This is just one of those anythings.”

“That’s right,” said Fluttershy. The pegasus flew to Twilight and placed her right foreleg across the alicorn’s shoulders for a side hug. “Naturally, I’ll be hoping for an acquittal but I know that Twilight has a job to do. I’ll still be her friend, regardless of the outcome. The magic of friendship is more important than one equine life – even my husband’s life.” Fluttershy looked Twilight in the eye as she she spoke. “We spirits of the Elements of Harmony have to stick together no matter what, don’t we, Twilight?”

The princess figuratively tucked away in Fluttershy’s back pocket nodded.

A familiar burst of light filled the room as Discord appeared beside Fluttershy.

“Have you lost your mind?” he asked his pal.

Rainbow Dash smirked and looked at Fluttershy smugly, pleased to see that even Discord, the king of nutjobs, could grasp the lunacy of this marriage to Filthy Rich.

“No, Discord, I haven’t,” sighed an agitated Fluttershy, rolling her eyes at being asked the same question.

“Really?” Discord appeared to be quite surprised by Fluttershy’s answer. “Oh. Then I have no idea whose this is.” Discord held out his eagle claw to reveal a pulsating brain he was holding.

The ponies took one look at the gray organ in his claw and screamed.

“Unless...” Discord opened up the top of his head like a jar and felt around inside his skull with his lion paw. “Whoops! Silly me. It’s my own. Ha ha ha ha ha!” He placed the brain inside his skull and closed the lid. “I should have known that it wasn’t yours by how dirty it was. So sorry for startling you like that, ladies. You might even say it was...” A pair of dark sunglasses appeared on his face. “... thoughtless of me.”

“You came here just ta make that pun, didn’tcha?” asked Applejack.

“Oh, don’t be such a silly pony, Applejack. I came to join your little soirée.”

“And who invited you, exactly?”

“I did, Applejack,” said Fluttershy.

“Oh.”

“So – what have I missed?” asked Discord as he brought his palms together and rubbed them back and forth.

“Our friend Fluttershy has eloped with Filthy Rich,” said Rarity.

“Oh.” Discord rubbed his chin. “Are you happy?”

“Very happy,” replied Fluttershy.

Discord smiled.

“Well, congratulations; I wish you nothing but happiness with your new family, my dear. Life is too short to do much else apart from pursuing happiness; especially when there’s so precious little of it to go around.” Discord turned to face the other mares with a half smirk. “But I suppose your pony friends have already embraced your decision and congratulated you, haven’t they?”

Fluttershy grinned.

“Not yet they haven’t... but I’m sure they were about to. Weren’t you, girls?”

“Y-Yes, of course,” stuttered Rarity. “Congratulations, Fluttershy.”

Rarity, Applejack, and Twilight congratulated and hugged Fluttershy. Discord looked over at Rainbow Dash who was once again hovering in place with her forelegs crossed over her chest and her back turned to Fluttershy.

“What’s with her?” asked Discord. “She seems upset.”

“It’s a long story,” replied Fluttershy with a smile.

“Well, with the multiple crises in Ponyville, I suppose I should count myself lucky to see anypony smiling at all.”

“Crises?” asked Twilight.

“Haven’t you heard?” Discord produced a copy of the as of yet undistributed morning edition of the Ponyville Express and showed it to his friends. “Four stallions were found burned to a crisp in a cave on the edge of the Everfree Forest and a poor innocent filly was mauled to death by some madmare while on a train traveling just outside of Ponyville.”

“Oh, my gosh,” quavered Twilight, holding her head in her forehooves.

Rarity gasped and squealed as she telekinetically grabbed the paper and brought it to her face to read it.

“Oh, my goodness!” Rarity looked at Fluttershy and grimaced. “Fluttershy!” She turned the newspaper around and showed it to her. “The filly was Zippoorwhill!”

Fluttershy gasped and held her right forehoof to her mouth.

“You mean that cute little filly that the Pony Tones sang for at her cute-ceanera here in Ponyville?” Rarity nodded as tears welled up in both of their eyes. Fluttershy walked to Rarity and held her with a foreleg as they both began to sob softly. “Oh, the poor dear.” Applejack closed her eyes, removed her hat, and held it against her chest out of respect to the deceased.

“Was this Zippoorwhill a friend of yours?” asked Discord.

Fluttershy sniffled and nodded.

“We met.” She dabbed her eyes dry with her mane. “She was just the sweetest little thing.”

“Oh, dear.” He sat on the floor with his head hung low. “I feel just awful about being the bearer of sad tidings.”

“Yeah, right,” said Rainbow Dash, flying into Discord and pinning him to the floor. “Are you behind all of this?” Discord looked up at Rainbow Dash.

“Behind all of what?”

“Twist, Cheerilee, Pinkie Pie, the GeRMs, the burned stallions, Zippoorwhill... this town has gone completely insane!”

“Rainbow Dash!” spat Fluttershy. “Not. The. Time.”

“It’s all right, Fluttershy,” said Discord. His body melted into a gray goo which seeped through the floor and disappeared. Unnerved by the disappearing act, Rainbow Dash stepped back. That same gray goo poured from the ceiling into a puddle which built and solidified into Discord’s usual form. “I don’t blame you for suspecting my involvement, Rainbow Dash. I don’t deny that I have a checkered past so I won’t hold your accusation against you. However, if you must know, I draw the line at burning and mauling ponies. It’s just not my thing; too icky. I may be the Master of Chaos but chaos doesn’t stem from me exclusively. It has a life all its own... or were there no problems at all in Equestria before I was freed from my stone prison?”

Rainbow Dash didn’t answer him. She hovered and seethed.

“You want a scapegoat,” said Discord. “That’s perfectly understandable. But I would appreciate it if you’d look for one elsewhere because I had nothing to do with any of the current misfortunes that have befallen Ponyville.”

Rainbow Dash flew to the refreshment stand and kicked it over with a grunt, sending the tumblers and pitcher of ice water crashing to the floor. Water, ice cubes, and glass fragments scattered all around the floor. Discord snapped the fingers of his eagle claw and had turned the shattered glass into a glass statue of himself dressed in a baseball uniform with his lion arm rearing back to throw a ball.

“Discord,” said Fluttershy. “May I please speak with you privately?”

“But of course, my dear,” replied Discord. Fluttershy turned her head to look at her pony friends.

“Girls, will you please excuse us?” she asked.

The others gave Fluttershy their consent in unison.

Discord and Fluttershy stepped into an adjacent room; one which Rarity called dibs on converting into a ballroom. After closing the door behind them, Fluttershy turned around and looked at Discord with tearlogged eyes.

“First, could I please have a hug?” wept Fluttershy.

Discord answered the question with a nod and an open pair of mismatched arms. Fluttershy flew into his chest and released a few sobs as he held her trembling body. She liked Discord’s hugs because he was large and strong enough to hold her as effortlessly as a father would hold his infant daughter. She had selflessly been a caretaker for the animals in Ponyville since she was old enough to apply for the position. It was nice to be in someone else’s care, even for a moment. Discord fulfilled this temporary role for her with no judgment.

“Okay,” she said. “I’m feeling a little better now.” The draconequus released her and she hovered where she was at eye level with him. “Discord, you know I don’t like asking for favors... and I would never ask you for one for myself... but... that sweet little filly had her whole life ahead of her. You and I haven’t spoken about your magic very much. I don’t know the extent of your abilities so I hope you don’t mind me bringing it up; is there any way at all that you could bring Zippoorwhill back to life?”

Discord blinked and sighed.

“I wish that I could say that you were the first pony to ask that of me,” he said flatly. “When Equestria was under my rule, there were still some ponies who swore their fealty to me... not that I cared where their allegiances lay... and they too asked for what you’ve asked of me when their friends or loved ones were facing imminent death.”

“Could you please just say yes or no?” spat Fluttershy.

“Please be patient, my dear. The question you’ve posed isn’t so hastily answered.” He stroked his chin whiskers. “Perhaps some visual aids would help illustrate the situation.”

With a snap of his eagle claw fingers, a tiny pointy-hoofed representation of Zippoorwhill appeared on the ballroom floor. It looked just like her. It even wore a tiny crystal tiara. Fluttershy stared at the dainty doll-like figure with fascination, grinning as it flew, leaped, and danced across the floor to a tune played from a music box that she could hear but not see.

“I could animate Zippoorwhill’s body to make her appear as though she had never died,” continued Discord. “And I could even erase all signs of her injuries and decomposition... but she would forevermore be a puppet attached to my magical strings, having no thoughts of her own; no whims, no dreams, no joy... no interests. A pale imitation of life.” The music box chimes played out of tune and played slower; as though they were played on a malfunctioning phonograph record.

The cuteness that Fluttershy saw in the Zippoorwhill figure had vanished. Its movements which were at first carefree and capricious were now eerie and morbid. What was life if not a joint venture of the mind and the body?

“And if my magic were to be temporarily disrupted – like when Tirek drained it from my body – then she would collapse like the decaying carcass she is; a most unpleasant surprise for anypony who might be with her.”

The figure fell to the floor and shattered into dozens of crystalline fragments which turned black and then faded away.

Discord held Fluttershy firmly by her upper forelegs and brought her close to his face.

“Fluttershy,” he said. “Look me in the eye and tell me that that is something you’d chance visiting upon a bereaved parent for the sake of an illusion and I will do this for you without hesitation... but know that the responsibility for the consequences of your decision will be yours and yours alone to bear.”

Fluttershy’s eyes shot left and right as she considered the hypothetical situation before her. Her mouth opened and closed. She sighed and rubbed her forehead upon making her decision.

“Never mind,” said Fluttershy.

Discord nodded slowly.

“As I thought. I am truly sorry about your little friend... but once a pony has breathed their last, there is no creature in all the world that can do anything about it... nor should there be, in my opinion.”

There was a knock on the door.

“Come in,” said Fluttershy.

The door opened and Applejack entered the room along with Rarity and Twilight.

“Hey, Fluttershy, we got to talking and we think that it’d be in yer best interests ta leave town fer the time bein’.”

“Leave town? Why?”

“The GeRMs, darling,” replied Rarity. “If they ever found out that you married Filthy Rich, things could get ugly. You could be harassed; maybe even attacked.”

Fluttershy looked at Discord.

“With the exception of Richie, his servants, his lawyer, and the judge who married us, nopony else outside this castle knows about our marriage... and nopony else will find out. Girls? Discord? I need you all to Pinkie Promise not to tell anypony about my marriage.”

“Not even Spike?” asked Twilight.

“Especially not Spike. As good a friend as he is, he has a history of letting information slip. Oh, I almost forgot.” Fluttershy removed her bracelet and hoofed it to Rarity. “Please keep this in a safe place for me, Rarity. Nopony will think it’s unusual for you to have something like this.” Rarity nodded. She levitated the bracelet and placed it securely around her own wrist.

“I’ll take care of it as though it were my own,” said Rarity. “And you have our word that nopony else shall hear about the wedding.” She turned to look at Discord. “Discord, dearest, do you remember when you asked me to give you fair warning about incoming girl talk?”

“Yes, of course.”

“This is your warning. We’re going to talk baby showers and such.”

“Egad!” squeaked Discord with a cringe. “Understood. If there’s nothing further we need to discuss?” Fluttershy shook her head. “Then I will take my leave. Ta-ta.” Discord quickly vanished.

“Isn’t it a bit early ta talk baby showers?” asked Applejack.

“Oh, I didn’t really want to talk baby showers,” admitted Rarity. “I just said that to get him out of here.” Rarity smiled slyly and nestled up against Fluttershy. “Sooooo... just between us girrrrrls... would you say your husband’s...?” She held her forehooves a certain distance apart from one another. “Ah? Somewhere in that ballpark?”

“Rarity, you are so bad, girl!” said Applejack. “Why are ya tryin’ ta embarrass Fluttershy like that? Ya know she ain’t gonna share that information with...”

Fluttershy giggled and blushed as she placed both of her forehooves on both of Rarity’s forelegs and spread them farther apart to the approximate length in question.

“Sweeet Celllestiaaa!” marveled Rarity with an open-mouthed smile.

“Whoo, doggies,” said Applejack, biting her lower lip and blushing. “That’s aaaa... that’s a purty... impressive...” Applejack narrowed her eyes in incredulity. “Seriously?”

“Mm-hm,” peeped Fluttershy, covering her face with her forehooves.

“And does he know how ta use it?”

“Mm-hm,” peeped Fluttershy, still covering her face with her forehooves.

“Oh, yeah,” snorted Rainbow Dash sarcastically. “I’m sure Cheerilee appreciated every inch of your husband’s dick the whole time he was busy raping her. Did Filthy tie you up with duct tape, too? Or does he only do that to mares he’s about to bludgeon to death?”

Over the years of performing many different kinds of aerial stunts, Rainbow Dash was used to uncomfortable landings. Many of those were due to carelessness. This was not one of those landings. She landed flat on her rump and it was due to being kicked out of the castle over her sarcastic remark. The door slammed shut behind her, leaving the moon as her only companion this night.

“You know I’m right!” she yelled back at the door.

“Rainbow Dash?” said a voice. Rainbow Dash looked above her and saw Derpy relaxing on a cloud.

“Hi, Derpy,” said Rainbow Dash, flying to Derpy’s cloud and lying beside her. “You’re up late. Working a night shift?”

“I guess you could say that. What’s the matter?”

Rainbow frowned.

“Nothing.”

“Your friends kicked you out of the castle for doing nothing? That’s terrible. I get thrown out of my friends’ homes every now and then but I always did something first. Accidentally, mind you... but still.”

“Fluttershy went and got married to Filthy Rich.”

“She did?”

“Yeah, and get this: she even got knocked up by him!”

“Is she gonna have the baby?”

“Well, yeah, she’s married to the guy now; why wouldn’t she have the baby? She’d probably give birth to it tonight if she could. If Twilight didn’t have the guts to sentence Filthy Rich to hang before this, she sure as sugar won’t do it now. She’s putting on a good show; playing it off like she’s gonna remain impartial... but that stallion’s as good as free. And that sucks big time.”

“I’ll bet.”

“What frustrates me the most is that I’ve got loads of courage, plenty of speed, and lots of toughness... but when I’m up against something I can’t fix with those, I feel so ineffectual and stupid. Give me a huge monster to tackle head on any day of the week.”

“I understand.”

“I just don’t get it. I trusted Fluttershy. I’ve stood up for her... looked out for her all this time... and this is the thanks I get? How could she show me such... disloyalty? It’s like she doesn’t need me anymore.”

“She’ll always need you, Rainbow Dash. You’re one of her best friends.”

“Well, now she’s got a better friend: a marenapping rapist. Rape. Celestia, why does something as ugly as rape have to exist? It’s one of the worst things a pony can do to another pony next to murder... and Filthy Rich already confessed to doing that.”

“Yeah.”

Derpy winced and groaned as she held her midsection.

“S’matter?” asked Rainbow Dash, raising an eyebrow.

“I really have to poop! Too many oat bran muffins. See you around!” Derpy flew away, presumably to a bathroom or outhouse.

“O-kayyyy, thanks for sharing?”

Rainbow Dash spotted something on the ground out of the corner of her eye. She peered over the edge of her cloud and saw Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon approaching the castle. Having nothing else better to do, she flew down to greet them.

“Hey, guys,” she said. “What brings you here so late? And without an adult?”

“Hi, Rainbow Dash,” said Silver Spoon. “We came to see the princess. It’s an emergency.”

“Oh. Well, don’t let me stop you.”

Silver Spoon tilted her head.

“Aren’t you gonna let us in?”

“Oh, I’m not standing guard or anything.” She glared back at the castle. “I’m just chilling out here until somepony with common sense comes out here to apologize to me for being right.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Forget it. Just give a knock on the door and somepony should let you in. As it stands, your chances of getting in there are actually way better than mine.”

“Oh. Okay then.”

“Hey, Diamond Tiara,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Yeah?” replied Diamond Tiara.

“You’re a real bitch, you know that?”

Silver Spoon was about to angrily protest the insult to her friend when Diamond Tiara held out a hoof to silence her.

Diamond Tiara stepped forward and approached Rainbow Dash. She looked Rainbow Dash in the eye. Silver Spoon watched her friend with great curiosity. There was a certain calculated calmness about Diamond Tiara's demeanor in the face of being insulted that Silver would never have guessed Diamond Tiara was capable of.

“I know that I was a real bitch,” said Diamond Tiara softly. “But I also know that I’ve learned my lesson. I plan on taking responsibility for the things that I’ve done.”

“Yeah, right; like I’m just gonna take your word for it.”

“I heard you were a hero, Rainbow Dash,” said Silver Spoon. “Is that any way for a hero to treat other ponies?”

“It is when they’re her.”

Diamond Tiara’s eyes shifted from side to side. She turned back to look at Silver Spoon.

“Relax, Silver. I’ve got this.” She turned back to look at Rainbow Dash. She grinned at the surly pegasus. “Hit me.”

Silver Spoon gasped.

“Di, what are you saying?” she asked.

Rainbow Dash raised an eyebrow.

“‘Hit you’?”

“Are you from Cloudsdale?”

“Yeah?”

“Then I’ll speak slower. Hit.... Me.”

Rainbow Dash smirked and bit her lower lip.

“You’re pretty good at pushing ponies’ buttons.”

“No, I'm not pretty good at it. I’m the best at it. Now hit me.”

“Um, how about no? Call me crazy but going to jail for assaulting a minor isn’t my idea of a good time.”

“No one else needs to know that you took a shot at me.” Diamond Tiara kept facing Rainbow Dash as she spoke. “Silver Spoon, if Rainbow Dash hits me, I want your word that you won’t tell a soul.”

Silver Spoon’s lips quivered as she spoke.

“D-Di, I’m not gonna-”

“Your word, Silver Spoon. I want it. Now.”

Silver Spoon hesitated to reply to this nonsensical demand.

“Fine,” she said. “You... have my word.”

“There,” said Diamond Tiara. “You’re in the clear. Now hit me. That’s what bitches get, after all. I found that out the hard way. So come on. Hit a bitch. You know you want to.”

“Nice try. Even if I wanted to hit you - which I don't - there are sentries posted on the castle walls watching us right now.”

“So drum up some fog and block their view. Or, since they obey you and your friends, order them to keep quiet about it. Do I have to keep coming up with solutions for all of your simple problems, you dimwitted, rag-maned, piss-tailed, split-hoofed, manure-for-brains mule? Now hit me.”

Silver Spoon trembled. Diamond Tiara appeared to want to repeat history by goading an adult into a fit of rage.

"Aren't you a little young to be a masochist?"

"Aren't you a little old to be a cloudbuster?" Rainbow Dash's eye twitched slightly at the riposte. "From what I know of cloudbusting, it's an entry level dead end job for pegasi who haven't applied themselves. Doesn't it bother you that some of your friends own and operate their own businesses while you're living a hoof to mouth existence for a fraction of what they make? Pinkie Pie makes more than you."

Rainbow Dash reared her head back and laughed.

“Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha!” She smiled as she looked at Silver Spoon. “Is your friend on salt or something?” Silver Spoon could only shake her head and shrug. “Listen, I don’t have to stand here and take this from you. Good bye.”

“So now that you’ve run out of excuses not to hit me, you’re running away?” asked Diamond Tiara. “Why won’t you hit me? Is it because you’re scared of me? Who would have guessed that the great Rainbow Dash would be afraid of a little foal?”

“You’re a regular riot. And for the record, I’m not afraid of anypony; especially not you.”

“Then hit me.”

“Kid, I don’t know who you think you’re impressing with all of this but it sure isn’t me. I don't let namecalling get to me.” Rainbow Dash began to walk away.

“You thought I had it coming when I got my plot beat by Miss Cheerilee, didn’t you?”

“You sure deserved something... but maybe not that.”

“Then here’s your chance to administer some discipline to me in the right dosage. Hit me.”

“Bite me.”

“So you're opposed to hitting me but you're okay with hitting on me? Rumors confirmed.”

Rainbow Dash stopped walking.

“Oh, dear Celestia,” muttered Silver Spoon.

The pegasus flew back to Diamond Tiara with narrow angry eyes.

“Excuse me?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Oh, come on, Rainbow Dash,” said Diamond Tiara. “Everypony in Equestria already knows what you’re too scared to come out and say. They’re just afraid to say it to your face. I’m not – but why bother stating common knowledge? So – new plan. If you’re not gonna hit me...” Diamond Tiara turned around and lifted her tail to reveal her bandaged plot “...then do to me what comes naturally to you. If it helps, you can pretend I'm Scootaloo.”

Silver Spoon shrieked internally.

Rainbow Dash growled. Her face grew crimson with rage. She spun Diamond Tiara around and plunged her nose into Diamond Tiara’s nose. Diamond stood her ground.

“Kid,” said Rainbow Dash through clenched teeth. “You are seriously working my last hoofing nerve right now. So shut your hoofing mouth before I-”

“Before you what? Before you hit me?”

Rainbow Dash hesitated.

“Don't put words in my mouth,” she grunted.

"What would you prefer I put in your mouth?"

"Shut up!"

“No! Hit me!”

“No!”

“HIT MEEEEEEEEEE!”

“NOOOOOOO!!”

"STOOOOOOOOOP!" screamed Silver Spoon. She ran over to Diamond Tiara and Rainbow Dash, wedged herself between them, and pushed them apart with her forehooves. "Just stop it, all right?"

“All right,” she said as she stepped back and swallowed to moisten her dry throat. “You win, Rainbow Dash. I didn’t actually want you to hit me. I mean, I said all that stuff to make you angry enough to where you’d want to hit me but I’m glad you didn’t go through with it. I gambled my well being on the fact that, even when pushed to your limit, you knew right from wrong. It was a lot to risk. You don't have to risk a thing gambling that I know right from wrong.”

Rainbow Dash scratched her chin as she pondered Diamond Tiara’s words.

“Wow," she said. "That made absolutely no sense whatsoever... but I do have one question. Were you really willing to take a hit from me just to prove to me that you’d changed?”

Diamond Tiara nodded.

“Or to prove that you were no better than the bitch I used to be; whichever came first, really... but like I said, I’m glad your hit wasn’t your first choice.”

Rainbow Dash smirked.

“You’ve got guts, kid; I’ll give you that. We’re not pals or anything but you’ve shown me that you’ve at least got guts... and that counts for something in my book.”

“Thanks; I gambled on that, too.”

“I’ll be keeping my eye on you in the future. And when you’re all grown up and I see that you haven’t changed after all...” She smiled. “...then I really will hit you; a lot. Deal?”

Diamond Tiara grinned.

“Deal,” she said.

Rainbow Dash spat on her own right forehoof and extended it to Diamond Tiara. Diamond Tiara spat on her own hoof and extended her foreleg to hoofbump with Rainbow Dash. Before Diamond Tiara could react, Rainbow used her saliva-moistened hoof to give the filly a wet willy.

“GAAAH!” cried Diamond Tiara. She lowered the side of her head to the grass and rubbed it back and forth to dry out her ear. “Ewwwwwww! Gross, gross, groooooooooss!”

“That was for calling me a filly-fooler,” said Rainbow Dash with a satisfied grin.

Silver Spoon held her right forehoof to her mouth to hide her snickering from Diamond Tiara.

“Rainbow Dash, what’s going on?” said Rarity who had just exited the castle door. “A guard stationed on the walls just informed us that you were out here having a yelling match with somepony.”

“Rarity, you know Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon, right?” asked Rainbow Dash.

“Oh. Yes. Hello, girls.” The fillies waved to Rarity.

“They’ve got something important to say to Twilight. Would you please escort them inside for me?”

“Certainly. Right this way, girls.” Rarity walked back to the castle door.

Silver Spoon sidled up to Diamond Tiara as they followed the unicorn into the castle.

“Di, that seriously could have gone really badly,” whispered Silver Spoon. “I was so worried back there.”

“A leader can’t be afraid to take chances,” whispered back Diamond Tiara.

“You’re not a leader yet. And if you keep pulling stunts like that, you may never get to be a leader. Promise me that you won’t try anything as dangerous as that with anypony ever again.”

“Silver, if I’m gonna accomplish any of the things I hope to accomplish, I’m afraid that’s a promise that I simply can’t keep.”

Fluttershy did a double take, surprised to see Rarity come back inside with the two fillies she brought along with her.

“Diamond Tiara? Silver Spoon?” The pegasus approached her stepdaughter and her stepdaughter’s best friend. “What are you two doing here at this hour? You girls should be at home in bed.”

“We know, Fluttershy,” said Diamond Tiara. “But we came here to tell you...” Fluttershy tilted her head, wondering why the pink filly seemed to be annoyed with herself. “...that we... saw Pinkie Pie.”

Fluttershy gasped and smiled.

“You did? That’s wonderful news!” Fluttershy turned her head. “TWILIGHT! APPLEJACK!”

The summoned mares ran into the hallway to see what the fuss was about.

“What’s goin’ on, Fluttershy?” asked Applejack.

“Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon might have a lead on where Pinkie Pie is!”

“No kiddin’? Well, don’t keep us in suspense, gals; where’dja see ‘er?”

“We saw her climb down a stallionhole,” said Silver Spoon.

Fluttershy clonked herself on the head with her left forehoof as though the answer should have been obvious.

“The sewer! Of course! Why didn’t anypony else think to check down there?”

“Well, we know where she’s been hidin’. Now all we have ta do is drag Rarity down the stallionhole with... us?”

Rarity had somehow managed to dress herself in record time. She was sporting a fashionable spywear outfit.

“You’re goin’ with us inta the sewer?” asked Applejack. “Willingly?”

“Yes.”

“You feelin' all right?”

“Yes! There’s no time to lose, everypony. Pinkie could be down there right now. She could be scared, hungry, or sick. I must help her. After all...” She smiled with determination as she placed a germ filtration mask around her muzzle. “...I’d die for her. I’m sure I can tolerate some bad smells long enough to bring her back home.”

Twilight smiled.

“Well said, Rarity,” she said. Twilight turned to face Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.

“There happens to be a substantial reward for information leading to Pinkie’s whereabouts. If we find her down in the sewer, it’s all yours; the reward, not the sewer.”

“Thanks, Your Highness,” said Diamond Tiara, “but if you do find her down there, please feel free to donate the reward to a local charity of your choice. Knowing that Pinkie Pie is back in the care of her best friends is all the reward I want.”

Good one, Di, thought Silver Spoon.

Twilight’s jaw dropped.

“That’s... remarkably noble of you, Diamond Tiara,” she said. “Very well; the reward will be donated to the Ponyville Golden Oak Library Restoration Fund.”

“Could you donate it to a local charity of your choice except that one?”

“Whaaaat?” squawked Twilight. “What’s wrong with restoring the library?”

“Nothing at all, Your Highness.” Diamond Tiara held her right forehoof to her mouth and giggled. “I was only messing with you. The Library Restoration Fund is fine.”

Twilight smirked.

“You got me with that one.” She turned to face Applejack and Rarity. “Well, we’ll be on our way then.” She turned to face Fluttershy. “Fluttershy? Considering your condition, you should sit this one out.”

“I understand,” said Fluttershy. “Thank you.”

“Rarity, AJ; you’re with me.” Twilight ran for the exit. “Is Rainbow still outside?”

“Roger that,” said Rarity.

“Wait,” said Applejack. “Before we go, have ya got any masks ta spare fer the rest o’ us, Rarity? It’s gonna be mighty ripe down there.”

“In my throne’s compartment,” replied Rarity as she ran to catch up with Twilight. “Just grab the whole box.” Applejack nodded and ran back to the throne room.

“Well, our work here is done,” said Diamond Tiara to Silver Spoon. “Let’s go.”

Fluttershy reached out and hugged Diamond Tiara gently. Silver Spoon was not pleased with somepony helping themselves to Diamond Tiara's personal space.

“What was that for?” asked Diamond Tiara, confused by the embrace.

“Oh, I‘m so sorry if I startled you.” Fluttershy released the filly. “I couldn’t help myself. I’m just so happy to see you.”

“Why? I mean, I know who you are and all... but we aren’t exactly well acquainted.”

“True... but that’s about to change very soon.”

“Why?”

“Are you gonna be teaching at Ponyville Elementary, Miss Fluttershy?” guessed Silver Spoon. Fluttershy turned to look at the gray filly.

“Oh, no, I’m far too busy tending to my animal friends’ needs to commit to a second job like that.” She turned to face Diamond Tiara. “I hope your father can forgive me for spoiling the surprise we had for you but... Diamond Tiara...” Fluttershy raised her foreleg to show the fillies her wedding bracelet but it was no longer in her possession. “Oops. Um, I’m your mystery dinner guest for tomorrow night. And the reason for my visit is that...” Fluttershy craned her neck out and whispered. “I... am your new stepmother.”

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped along with Silver Spoon’s. They looked at one another and then at Fluttershy.

“Are you surprised?” asked Fluttershy with a smile.

“Very!” Diamond Tiara adopted an awkward half-smile. “This is out of the blue.”

“Oh, and you’ll be pleased to know that I signed a prenup beforehoof.”

“Whew! Well, what a relief that is. I’m happy that my dad’s found a-”

“Shh!” hushed Fluttershy. “Careful. Not so loud.”

“I’m happy that he’s found a mare that he can be happy with,” said Diamond Tiara in a softer voice, “but he is still on trial. He could be sentenced to hang if he’s found guilty. Wouldn’t it have been wiser to wait until after the verdict to marry him?”

Fluttershy smiled widely.

“In this case, no. You’ll like this. My best friend Twilight – the acting judge in his trial – won’t sentence him to the death penalty as a favor to me because he’s now my husband.”

“Did she tell you that?”

“She can’t; not officially. But unofficially, it’s in the bag.”

“So by marrying my dad, you’ve actually saved him?”

“Yes! She might even have him acquitted.”

A wide smile formed across Diamond Tiara’s face.

“Really?”

“It’s pretty likely.”

“OH MY GOOOOOSH!” Diamond Tiara crouched and then hopped to throw her forelegs around the back of Fluttershy’s neck for a hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

“Inside voice, please,” reminded Fluttershy.

“You don’t know how much this means to me. You’re an angel.”

“That’s what he called me. And you may call me ‘Mom’ if you like.”

Diamond Tiara flinched and averted her eyes.

“I... I’m sorry but that’s a word I don’t use anymore... for anypony. My daddy probably told you why.”

“I understand. But I can think of at least one pony who’ll be calling me Mom.”

“Who?”

Fluttershy stood on her hindhooves and rubbed her tummy.

“The newest edition to our family,” she said with a smile.

Diamond Tiara’s jaw dropped. She pointed to Fluttershy’s tummy.

“You mean... the condition Princess Twilight mentioned was that you're pregnant?”

“That’s right.”

Diamond Tiara smiled widely.

“Well, well, well. You two lovebirds sure didn’t waste any time, did you?”

Fluttershy giggled.

“Is that any way to speak to your step...flutter?” All three ponies giggled. “Okay, it’s been fun having you here but it really is getting quite late. I’ll have our castle guards fly each of you back home via pegasus chariot.”

“That would be awesome.. but Silver Spoon actually wants to sleep over at my house tonight. Could you please have a pegasus courier fly to her house to let somepony there know she’ll be staying with me? It would save us a lot of time.”

Fluttershy nodded.

“You’ve got it.”

“Thank you, Miss Fluttershy,” said Silver Spoon.

“Oh, and one more thing: for security reasons, please don’t breathe a word to anypony about the marriage.”

“We won’t,” said Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara simultaneously.

“Thanks. Just go through that door when you’re ready to go home. The chariot pullers will be standing by.”

“Thank you.”

“I’ll go send that courier to Silver Spoon’s house. See you tomorrow at dinner, Diamond Tiara.”

“See you then.”

As Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara walked through the doorway and squeed over the fantastic news, Fluttershy flew down the corridor to find a courier. She heard a sudden noise that startled her. She turned around to find that the castle’s front doors glowed purple and had been swung open.

“APPLEJACK, HURRY UUUUP!!” yelled Twilight Sparkle. “WE’RE WAITING ON YOUUU!!”

“Erma cwmin’,” mumbled Applejack, her voice muffled by something obstructing her oral cavity.

“Applejack?” called out Fluttershy.

“Hm?” replied Applejack, opting not to turn to face Fluttershy for some unknown reason. Fluttershy flew in front of Applejack which resulted in Applejack turning away each time she attempted to look at her face. Fluttershy held Applejack’s face with her forehooves and forced her to look at her. Both of Applejack’s cheeks were stuffed with what must have been food – and Fluttershy had a pretty good idea what that food was.

“You’re eating my Critter Chow, aren’t you?”

“Hm?” mumbled Applejack. The earth pony continued to chew.

“I brought that from my cottage storeroom for the sole purpose of using it in my demonstration. That’s government issued feed. The weekly shipments are based on animal census records for the year. Ordering more of it would mean paying for it out of my own pocket.”

Applejack swallowed, smiled nervously, and blushed.

“Heh heh. Listen, Fluttershy, ah won’t lie ta you... so ah’ll just get goin’ then.” She sped past Fluttershy.

“Huh?”

“Wait up, y’all!” shouted Applejack to the party pony rescue party.

Fluttershy’s jaw dropped as the earth pony disappeared. She then frowned.

“Uh! Of all the...!” Fluttershy flew to the doorway where she caught a glimpse of Applejack’s tail disappearing into the darkness. “I don’t help myself to the apples in your trees!” Suddenly, she winced and blushed, recalling her chiropteran alter ego. “Um... a-anymore.”

She walked back in to the waiting room and approached the bag of critter chow. It had been opened in one corner. The hole was wide enough for a rude and hungry earth pony’s foreleg to scoop out a generous free sample or two. Or three. Not one to hold a grudge, she decided to laugh it off.

“Tch-tch-tch,” hissed Fluttershy as she shook her head. “That silly pony.”

She sniffed the bag. She then took a quick look around to see if any guards were passing by. Once she was certain that she was alone, she stuck her right forehoof in the bag, took out a hoofful of Critter chow and began to eat it.

She closed her eyes and grinned.

“Oh, my Celestia,” she exclaimed with as high-pitched of a gleeful giggle she could release with a full mouth. “This stuff is delicious!”

Diamond Tiara closed the bathroom door behind her to keep in the steam that had accumulated during the shower she had just finished taking. Dressed in simple magenta flannel pajamas, the self-proclaimed future ruler of Equestria approached her bed where Silver Spoon was waiting for her return. The gray filly, dressed in similar pajamas hopped off the bed and approached Diamond Tiara. Without so much as offering a single word, she stuck her muzzle in Diamond Tiara’s mane and took a long sniff.

“Can I help you, sailor?” asked Diamond Tiara with a smirk.

“Yes!” replied a pouting Silver Spoon. “Tell me how it is that you showered with that coconut lime body wash – the same one that I used fifteen minutes ago – and when I was done, I didn’t smell, like, even half as good as you do right now!”

Diamond Tiara responded to the question with a smirk and a short shrug.

“I’m not doing anything differently. Maybe things just smell better when they’re on me?”

“I guess.” Silver Spoon walked back to the bed and crawled under the covers. “Is there any scent that doesn’t smell better when it’s on you?”

Diamond Tiara frowned as she crawled into the bed and lay down beside Silver Spoon.

“Peaches,” she muttered.

“Peaches?”

“Peaches. I hate the smell of peaches. It always puts me in a bad mood. The servants aren’t even allowed to bring one in the house to eat on their breaks.” Diamond Tiara grinned. “But if you’re that jealous of my scent enhancing properties, I could always skip a shower the next time you sleep over.”

“Ew.” Silver Spoon removed her glasses and placed them on the nightstand. “No, thanks. B.O. puts me in a bad mood.”

“Suit yourself.”

“Di?”

“Hm?”

“Do you still hate you-know-who for abandoning you?”

Diamond Tiara held her tongue for a while.

“When that mare left my dad and me, she left behind a void that I almost instantly filled with hatred. My hatred became a sort of substitute parent, in a way. I used to feel empowered by it; fueled by it, even. Now, I just feel burdened by it; like it’s gonna hold me back from doing the things I need to do. I want to be a good pony, Silver. I want to be the best pony anyone’s ever known; somepony that other ponies will remember for generations after I’m gone. But everytime I think about that mare... my hatred burns hotter than the fire pits of Tartaros.” She sighed. “I suppose I’ll find out one day when I burn there myself.”

Silver Spoon’s eyes opened. She turned to her side to look at Diamond.

“What in Celestia’s name would ever make you say such a thing, Di?” asked Silver. “You’re not going to Tartaros. You’re gonna go to Elysium; we both are.”

“The truth is Elysium sounds kinda scary to me.”

Silver Spoon raised an eyebrow.

“Di, don’t be silly. It’s paradise.”

“I know that but I’m not so sure that I like the sound of... ugh... eternal happiness.”

“Why would you not want eternal happiness? You have to like being happy.”

“Sure, I like being happy... but think about it for a sec; who’s always happy? I know I’m not. And I know that you’re not. But even when I’m unhappy, part of what makes that happiness special is that it’s not a constant. It’s on again/off again. What if I want to be in a bad mood in Elysium? Or sad? Or depressed? Or angry? Like – what if you’re not allowed to feel a mood other than happiness? While we’re alive, we have the freedom to feel any emotion we want. So why should that end in the afterlife? I wouldn’t want to be a spirit that can only experience one emotion for eternity. Would you?”

“No, but I don’t think there would be a reason to feel sad, depressed, or angry in Elysium – so I don’t see a problem.”

“The problem is that it sounds like you’re denied emotional variety in Elysium in order to keep the place squeaky clean for everypony. What if there’s somepony that polices everypony to make sure you don’t express any emotion except for happiness so that everypony there gets along? Or even worse, what if this theory of mine is true and you can’t feel anything except for happiness about the situation? You wouldn’t fight the status quo because the status quo makes you happy about the fact that you can only feel happy.” Diamond Tiara shivered briefly with discomfort. “I think I’d almost rather be in Tartaros where they only make you suffer. At least there, you’re free to feel any way you want to about your suffering.”

Silver Spoon lay on her back once more. She gazed at the ceiling and blinked. She knew herself to be a very emotional filly. In her life, she had seen her fair share of highs and lows. Happiness, though scarce, was always voluntary. Could happiness really be mandatory like Diamond Tiara said?

“I can honestly say that I’ve never thought of it like that,” said Silver Spoon. “And I suddenly want to live forever.”

“Well, if Pinkie’s vision is true, we’ll at least live long enough to be a pair of pruney old ladies together. That makes me pretty happy; thinking about all the years we’re gonna spend together; all the fun we’re gonna have. But what really makes me happier than anything is that my dad is gonna live and go free.” She closed her eyes and grinned. “Thank you, Fluttershy. You know what? I should ask her to bring some bunnies to live with us.”

“I really am very happy for you and your dad.”

“Thanks. I’ve gone such a long stretch without good luck that I didn’t think I’d ever see any come my way ever again.”

“But...”

“But what?”

Silver Spoon hesitated.

“Silver?”

“Hm?”

“But what?”

“I was gonna say... what if the rest of Pinkie’s vision comes to pass?”

“You mean how we supposedly destroy Equestria together?”

Silver Spoon hesitated and then nodded.

“What if it’s true?”

Diamond Tiara snickered. She reached out and held Silver Spoon’s forehooves.

“Hey. I might be a lot of things but I’m no mass murderer. You know that better than anypony.”

“That’s just it. I know that you aren’t one now.”

“Do you think I'm smart?”

“When you're not begging somepony for a plotkicking, yes; I think you're very smart.”

“Destroying Equestria would be stupid and I’m not in the habit of doing stupid things. Plus it’s so over the top cliché. How would I even accomplish that? Do I take a sledgehammer and knock over every single house, fountain, and birdfeeder until nothing is left standing?”

“We wouldn’t have to do it ourselves. We could potentially order somepony to destroy it for us.”

“With what? A tornado? Tirek? A flashfire? Who would be crazy enough to carry out an order from a pair of old ladies to destroy Equestria?”

Silver Spoon nodded.

“Nopony, I guess,” she said.

“Damned straight. We'd be laughed at or ignored. Still, if that future does come to pass, I can only take that to mean that you failed miserably as my PR pony.”

Silver Spoon chuckled.

“I guess I can kiss my Hearth’s Warming Day bonus for that year goodbye.”

“I aim to lead Equestria into an age of prosperity someday but that’s all. Killing its taxpaying workforce would be counterproductive. No matter what, the bottom line – the economy – will always be my top priority as ruler. What the future has in store for me doesn’t worry me nearly as much as what I have in store for the future. I see it so clearly, Silver Spoon: an Equestria where no pony has an unmet need. Everypony will be living happy, healthy, and productive lives. I just need to bide my time, learn all I can, and keep my head held high. But what matters even more than the future is that you and I are both safe and sound in the present – together.”

Both fillies remained silent as they waited for sleep to overtake them. After a few seconds, Silver Spoon felt the bed list again as Diamond Tiara stirred. She had turned on her side so that she could look at Silver Spoon.

“I wasn’t the only one that Pinkie wanted to kill,” said Diamond Tiara. “If she had hurt you, well, I don’t even want to think about it.”

“Neither do I, Di. I couldn’t have left you behind to face Pinkie on your own. A life without you would be unthinkable.”

“I can’t help but wonder what she’s doing right now.”

Pinkie Pie was chewing the last coconut macaroon from the sack of food that Diamond Tiara brought her earlier. She sat on a length of a wide iron pipe that protruded from a wall that had some of the brightest lights anywhere in the sewer. The earth pony swung her leg back and forward, lost in thought as she listened to the movement of the water in the open channel directly in front of her.

Something that appeared to be a rather large alligator rose from the channel at a non-threatening speed. Pinkie stopped chewing and stared at it. She was too stunned to move and wasn’t altogether certain that the alligator wasn’t a figment of her imagination.

“Hello, Miss Pie,” said the alligator in a voice that led Pinkie to believe the alligator to be a female. “Please don’t be alarmed. I’m not here to hurt you. Quite the opposite, in fact. I saw you down here and I just had to let you know how very grateful I am to you for looking after my baby. He wouldn’t have survived for very long on his own without teeth. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you very, very much.”

Pinkie swallow the macaroon mush that occupied her mouth.

“Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhurrrrrrrrrrrrre,” said a confused Pinkie.

“I assume that some other pony is looking after him while you’re down here, yes?”

“Yeahhhhhhh,” said Pinkie Pie. “My friend Fluttershy should have him by now.”

“That’s excellent news. Her name is very well known in Ponyville’s animal community. Well, I won’t take up any more of your time. Have a good night – and thanks again.”

“Buh-bye,” said Pinkie, waving with her left forehoof.

The alligator slid back into the channel and swam away, leaving Pinkie to her solitude.

Pinkie blinked and shrugged.

“I wish I could say that that was the weirdest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“She’s probably in the sewer hiding from Princess Twilight’s search party,” posited Silver Spoon.

The bed listed again from Diamond Tiara sitting up straight.

Silver Spoon turned to see why Diamond Tiara was sitting up. She gulped when she saw what was happening. Diamond Tiara was unbuttoning her own pajama top. Too many of Silver Spoon’s fantasies started out in a similar way for her pulse not to quicken slightly. She didn’t know why it felt naughty to watch Diamond Tiara disrobe when they normally only wore clothing on special occasions; she just knew that it did.

“Sit up, Silver,” instructed Diamond Tiara. "I have a little gift for you."

Silver Spoon did as she was told. Diamond Tiara placed her right foreleg behind Silver Spoon’s neck. She held onto Silver as she lay back down on the bed and rested her friend’s head across her chest as she lay down.

Diamond Tiara lay still and silent, as did Silver Spoon.

“Hear anything?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“Your heartbeat,” replied Silver Spoon.

“That’s right. It wouldn’t be beating right now if you hadn’t risked your neck to save me. So, since you’re my hero, your reward is that, tonight, you get the best seat in the house.”

Diamond Tiara stopped speaking.

“You mean you’re just gonna let me sleep like this?” asked Silver Spoon. “With my ear against your chest?”

“Mm-hm. Good night, Silver.”

Silver Spoon smiled.

“I’m keeping the promise I made to you, by the way; I won’t try anything inappropriate with you in your sleep.”

“I know. I’d trust you with my life.”

The sentiment touched Silver Spoon and a tear formed in her eye.

“I love you,” she whimpered.

“Love you, too... but I think I’d love you a lot more if you’d shut the rut up and let me go to sleep already.”

Silver Spoon snickered. It was the last noise that either one of them would make until morning. Silver Spoon drifted happily off to sleep listening to her favorite sound in the world.

Ba-bump.

Ba-bump.

Ba-bump.

THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP

It was past midnight and a gray pegasus mare knocked on the door to a house that was not her own. Several minutes later, a small panel on the door slid open.

“Why are we known as the GeRMs?” said a voice from the other side of the door.

“Because GeRMs spread,” whispered Derpy. She performed a salute that ended with her miming the placement of a noose around her neck and pulling it upward to simulate a hanging. The unconventional salute was capped off with the extraction of her tongue from the corner of her mouth.

The door opened and Derpy entered the house. A pony dressed in a black robe and hood closed and locked the door after her.

“Hi, O Fearless Leader,” chirped Derpy.

“Were you followed?” asked Fearless Leader.

“No. The only ponies I saw tonight were Rainbow Dash and two earth pony foals but none of them came after me.”

“Excellent. Here.” Fearless Leader held a black cloak up and assisted Derpy in putting it on. Once it was on, Derpy’s smiling muzzle poked out of the hood which draped over her eyes. She fixed it and performed the salute to Fearless Leader who returned it. “How may I help you tonight, Third Operative Hooves?”

“I have some news about our adjective, O Fearless Leader.”

The cloaked pony groaned and facehoofed.

“Do you mean our ‘objective’?”

“Yeah, that. You said to bring you any new information about our objective, day or night... and that’s what I’m doing here.”

“You’ve been an invaluable asset to the Guilty Rich Movement, Third Operative Hooves. Nopony outside of our little circle of friends suspects for even a second that you’re with us – and that makes you practically invisible. Do you know what will happen if this pans out to something we can use to our advantage?”

“I get promoted to Second Operative?”

“You get promoted to Second Operative and... you receive a special ceremonial pin that you can wear proudly at all future meetings.”

“Hoorayyyy!” Derpy clapped her forehooves together twice and smiled. “A pin! I never got a pin for anything from working at the Equestria Postal Service. I can hardly wait! But first, please tell me that you made more of those neat little cottage cheese and grape jelly mini-muffins that we had at the last meeting. Please-oh-please-oh-pleeeease.” Derpy licked and smacked her lips while rubbing her tummy.

Fearless Leader turned around and walked into the next room. She returned with a tray of the muffins in question held in her right forehoof. Derpy accepted the tray, hovered a few feet in the air, and proceeded to scarf the tasty baked goods down one by one, making garbled yummy noises as she ate.

“Now then,” said Fearless Leader. “Why don’t you have a seat and tell me all about what you heard, Third Operative Hooves?”

Derpy flew to the couch and sat back in it.

“Mmph,” blurted Derpy, swallowing her mouthful of mostly masticated mini-muffin. “You might want to take a seat yourself, O Fearless Leader... cuz I guarantee you that this one’s a doozy!”

Author's Note

This chapter is dedicated to mrned, the reader who keeps me on my toes and reminds me that I have a story to finish.

Monstrosity

A chilly gust of evening wind teased Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash’s forelocks as the four mares stood over a covered stallionhole situated just behind the Castle of Friendship. The four friends were clad in gray ponchos and wore saddlebags filled with supplies and equipment to aid in their search for Pinkie Pie. Applejack and Rainbow Dash wore miner’s helmets while Twilight and Rarity wore the hoods attached to their ponchos so as to allow them unobstructed use of their horns to cast illumination spells as needed.

“Y’know,” said Rainbow Dash, “it might not have been such a bad idea to have asked Silver Spoon and Diamond Tiara which stallionhole they saw Pinkie enter. She could be anywhere down there.”

“You’re half right,” noted Twilight. “Pinkie could be anywhere down there - which is why knowing which stallionhole they saw her enter wouldn’t have made much of a difference. And that makes going down the closest stallionhole as good a place as any to enter. It’s a reasonable assumption that Pinkie came down here in the first place because she was afraid of being ostracized by everypony over her death knell Pinkie sense. When we find her, we have to reassure her that nopony will judge her for it. If she’s still skittish, it may be necessary to use force to subdue her.”

Rainbow Dash and Applejack nodded. They were a pair of competitive, hardworking ponies who were no strangers to going hoof to hoof when push came to shove.

“I understand,” stated Rarity.

Surprised by Rarity’s answer, Rainbow Dash and Applejack’s heads turned to look at Rarity.

“Really?” asked Applejack and Rainbow Dash simultaneously.

“What do you mean ‘really’?” asked Rarity.

“Well, don’t take no offense,” said Applejack, “but you don’t exactly come across as the ‘take somepony down’ kinda pony.”

“Yeah,” added Rainbow Dash. “I mean, if you can do it, that’s cool... but I just didn’t think you had it in you.”

Rarity rolled her eyes but then turned up her nose and closed her eyes. Her horn lit up as she cast a levitation spell, suspending both Applejack and Rainbow Dash in mid-air.

“Now try and escape me,” she dared.

“Ya got me, pardner,” admitted Applejack with a sheepish grin and a chuckle. “Ah reckon we were thinkin’ in more physical terms than magical but force is force. Whatever works, right?”

Never one to back down from a challenge, Rainbow Dash beat her wings furiously as she fought to escape Rarity’s telekinetic hold on her. Rarity returned Applejack to the ground and devoted her concentration on keeping Rainbow Dash subdued, a feat that was becoming increasingly difficult.

Twilight tapped her hoof as she waited for this time wasting exercise to conclude.

“You guys,” she muttered. “I have to be in court by six AM.”

With great effort, the pegasus had managed to put some distance between herself and Rarity – about fifteen feet and gaining. Rarity returned Rainbow Dash to the ground and telekinetically dabbed her forehead with a hoofkerchief from her saddlebag as she caught her breath.

“Aw, yeah!” exclaimed Rainbow Dash triumphantly as she trotted back to the group, huffing and puffing. “You gave up. I win.”

“Pinkie Pie doesn’t have wings,” asserted Rarity. “So, for purposes of this mission, it’s a moot point.” Rarity returned her hoofkerchief to her saddlebag and removed a bottle of neighvian spring water from it. “I trust that my little demonstration has proven my point.” She opened the bottle and took a sip.

“Yeah. Still, I had you on the ropes there for a while; admit it.”

“Piffle, Rainbow Dash. Why, I hadn’t even begun to truly exert myself.”

“Oh, so you have some reserves, do ya? Well, so do I. Wanna go again?”

“If I may be allowed to continue,” grumbled Twilight.

Rarity and Rainbow Dash ceased their horsing around and remained silent.

“The Ponyville sewer system is ridiculously large so I’ve made us all copies of a map in the event that one of us gets lost.” She levitated a rolled-up parchment from her saddlebag and placed it in Applejack’s saddlebag. “I highly recommend not losing them or letting any harm come to either your headlamps or your emergency flashlights. The general lighting down there may not be bright enough to read your maps.” She gave Rainbow Dash a copy and moved down the line to give the last map to Rarity. After inspecting her crew, she telekinetically raised all of their germ filter masks over their respective muzzles. “Is everypony ready?”

“Ready,” said the mares.

“Then let’s begin the search. I’d rather that we find Pinkie ourselves but if we fail, we’ll call it a night and ask Princess Celestia to send another company of royal guard tomorrow morning. They can cover more ground within a shorter period of time than the four of us. I’d ask the current company of guards we have here but they’re still needed on the surface to maintain the peace.”

Applejack and Rainbow Dash switched on their helmet lamps while Rarity cast an illumination spell.

Twilight levitated the stallionhole cover and set it aside on the ground. As her horn glowed with her own illumination spell, she approached the open stallionhole and found a cloaked pony within, standing on the ladder.

“Hi, guys” said the pony calmly, poking her masked head up from the stallionhole.

“DAHHH!!!” screamed Twilight as she quickly hopped back and cancelled her illumination spell. The others, startled by Twilight’s reaction, shrieked and initiated a tactical group hug among themselves.

“Take it easy,” said the pony as she climbed out of the stallionhole and stood on solid ground. “It’s just me.” She lifted her mask and revealed her identity as the objective of their mission: Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow Dash gasped as she removed herself from the group hug.

“P-Pinkie Pie?!” squeaked Rainbow Dash as she removed her helmet and pulled her germ filtration mask off. The rubber band which kept it attached to her face snapped and struck the side of her cheek. “Ow.” Twilight, Applejack, and Rarity lowered their masks and trotted to their found friend. Rainbow squealed with joy as she flew past her friends with her forelegs wide open to greet Pinkie with a tackle/hug – only to be sidestepped and dodged completely by her intended hug target. Rainbow landed on her belly, slid in the grass, and then came to a stop.

The others, unsure of what had prompted Pinkie to avoid the hug, stopped short of coming into contact with her.

Rainbow Dash lifted her head and spat out some blades of grass that had collected on her lips.

“What the hay was that?” asked Rainbow Dash as she stood up and turned around to face Pinkie.

Pinkie lowered her mask over her face.

“Guys,” said Pinkie, her voice muffled by her comedy mask. “I’m gonna have to ask that you all keep your distance. Do not – I repeat – do not try to hug me.”

Rainbow Dash’s eyes grew wide. She tilted her head to an absurd angle.

“You don’t want a hug?” asked an incredulous Rainbow as she flew back by Rarity and Applejack’s side. “You? Of all ponies?”

“Do I want a hug?” Pinkie Pie chirped up a chuckle storm that was more unnerving than contagious. Rarity and Applejack looked at one another, wondering what was so funny about Rainbow Dash’s question. “Do I want a hug? Oh, Celestia, I want a hug more than you know... but I don’t dare take you up on it. You’re my friends and I want to be extra careful around you.”

“Careful?” asked Twilight.

“Whyever would you reject our affections, Pinkie?” asked Rarity.

“Yeah, ain’tcha glad ta see us?” asked Applejack.

“Of course I am,” stated Pinkie. “I’ve missed you all so much... but my request still stands.”

Rainbow Dash’s wings flapped anxiously as her head whipped left and right. She threw her forelegs around Applejack and administered a bear hug. The farmpony groaned from the pressure that Rainbow was using.

“What’re ya huggin’ me for?” asked Applejack.

“I had to get it out of my system,” replied Rainbow Dash, “and you were the closest.”

Rarity stepped closer to Pinkie Pie.

“As unusual as your request may be, I suppose we can respect your personal space,” said Rarity. “But I do believe that we’re entitled to an explanation.”

“It’s a long story,” replied Pinkie.

“Well, here’s a short one,” said Twilight. “We know about your death knell Pinkie sense... and we promise not to be alarmed by it should it manifest itself again.”

Pinkie tilted her head.

“‘Death knell’? Really?”

“Why? What name did you settle on?”

“I didn’t name it anything. It’s just a little weird that you have.”

Twilight blushed and grinned as she rubbed her left foreleg against her right foreleg.

“Nnnnnnnnwell, yes, I can see that... but you’ve got to admit it’s accurate. Is it that it’s too dramatic?”

“You think? Way to make me feel self-consci-” Pinkie tilted her head. “Hey.” She took a quick head count to verify that they were one pony down. “Where’s Fluttershy?”

“She’s probably still back at the castle if she ain’t left for her cottage yet,” speculated Applejack.

“Is she okay?”

“Define ‘okay’,” requested Rainbow Dash in a surly tone. “She eloped.”

“No kidding?” Pinkie lowered her head and poked at the ground with her hoof. “Well, at least somepony around here has found some happiness. I can’t wait to hear all about it – later.” Her voice took on a more serious tone. “There’s a more urgent matter we have to address right now, though.”

“Oh?” asked Twilight. “What’s that?”

“Do you remember when Ponyville was invaded by parasprites and I was trying to collect those instruments I needed to lure them out of town but you wouldn’t listen to me?”

“Who could forget that?” asked Applejack. “What about it, sugar cube?”

“This is sort of like that... only worse. What I’m about to say is gonna sound just as strange but I need you to trust me on this. There’s a threat to Equestria lurking in our midst and I could really use your help to vanquish it. We’re a team. When we work together, I believe that there’s no menace we can’t defeat.”

“Awright, Pinkie Pie!” whooped Rainbow Dash. “If the day’s in need of saving, you can count me in!” She smiled and held her left foreleg out toward Pinkie for a hoof bump. “Good to have you back.”

Pinkie Pie hesitated to participate in the hoof bump.

Confused by Pinkie’s reaction, Rainbow Dash’s smile went away.

“What; you’re just gonna leave me hangin’ here?” asked Rainbow.

“Um....” Pinkie inspected her own stealth suit-covered right forehoof to assess the fabric’s structural integrity. “Uhh... Hmm...” Pinkie reached into her cloak and pulled out a six inch by six inch square shaped piece of foil. “Would you mind putting one of these on first, Rainbow?” Rainbow Dash took the square in her teeth, held it in her forehooves, and examined it.

“A latex hoof sheath?” asked Rainbow Dash flatly.

“Hey, I don’t know what you have. If you want a hoof bump, I’m down with that... but let’s go about it safely, okay?”

Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes and sighed.

“It’s just gonna decrease the sensation,” she grumbled as she began to tear the foil open with her teeth.

“We’rrrrre... not gonna ask why ya have one o’ them latex thingies,” said Applejack. “But ah stick by mah friends no matter what. You can count on me ta help any way ah can.”

“The feeling’s mutual, to be sure,” said Rarity.

“Then it’s unanimous,” said Twilight. “So what’s the situation?”

“We need to kill Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,” explained Pinkie.

Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped, causing the hoof sheath packet in her mouth to fall to the ground.

Twilight looked at Applejack while Rainbow Dash looked at Rarity. They were all equally shocked by Pinkie’s morbid mission. Rarity was the first to break the silence.

“Pinkie, darling, did... you just... say...”

“Oh, Celestia, not this manure again,” remarked Applejack, facehoofing and drawing her hoof downward, temporarily stretching her features out of frustration. “Didn’t we just get done convincin’ the Crusaders not ta hurt those fillies?”

“Your plan doesn’t sound strange, Pinkie,” said Rainbow. “It sounds hoofing insane!”

“Pinkie, I know what they did to Twist was mischievous,” said Twilight, “Even criminal. But-”

“This has nothing to do with revenge!” insisted Pinkie. “Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are gonna grow up to be nasty, bitter old mares who vow to destroy Equestria – starting with Ponyville. I’ve seen the future.”

“I hate to break it to you, Pinkie,” said Rainbow Dash, “but your Mystical Orb of Fate’s Destiny is not a legit tool for seeing into the future.”

“I didn’t use my hoofing orb, Rainbow!” shouted Pinkie as she stretched her neck out to glare at Rainbow Dash. “I know because... oops! Neck.” Her elongated neck retracted to keep it protected. “I know because I saw it with my own eyes! I saw it by...” Pinkie turned her head and poked at the ground with her right forehoof. “I saw it by drinking that white potion that Zecora gave to Twilight.”

“You what?” yelped Twilight. “Pinkie, that potion was for alicorn ingestion only! You could have been poisoned! You could have died!”

“Well, I didn’t. The important thing – the most important thing – is that we make sure that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon never reach old age.” Pinkie approached Twilight as closely as she dared and gazed into her eyes with desperation. “Twilight, you’re the most rational and reasonable pony I know. Please listen to what I’m about to say. I know I can be random. I can even be eccentric. That’s just how I have my fun. But I am not crazy. You know as well as I do that the potion lets you see the past. We all trusted you when you said that you saw the past. Now trust me when I say that, as a result of drinking it, I now have the ability to see both the past and the future. Unlike you, though, the potion hasn’t worn off on me. I guess it works differently depending on the tribe of the pony drinking it. For some reason, when an exposed part of my body comes in contact with an exposed part of somepony else’s body, I’m able to see their most painful memory as if I was there myself.”

“So if I’m understanding you correctly,” said Rarity, “you touched Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon?”

“Mm-hm,” replied Pinkie with a nod.

Rarity turned her head to face Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash.

“I don’t recall Fluttershy mentioning anything about their coming into contact with Pinkie, do you?”

Twilight, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash shook their heads.

“It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except ending their lives for the good of everypony.” Pinkie looked at the ground. “There’s something else.” Pinkie lifted her head and looked at Rarity. “Rarity, I never told you the results of my medical examination. And that’s because they were terrifying. The blood I shed when I was at Carousel Boutique wasn’t my blood type. It was Twist’s blood type: Type T. But it wasn’t just anypony’s type T blood. It was Twist’s actual blood. It ignored all the laws of physics and logic and transferred from her body to my eyes right around the time that the train hit her.”

Rarity gasped and held her right forehoof to her mouth.

“Oh, my Celestia,” said Rarity softly, followed by a gulp.

“Land sakes,” muttered the usually unshakable Applejack.

“Okay... I’m glad I’m not the only one totally freaked out right now,” admitted Rainbow Dash. Twilight jabbed Rainbow in the side with her wing. “Oh! But, um... we totally don’t judge you for it.” She smiled nervously at Pinkie.

“It’s all right, Rainbow,” said Pinkie. “Any normal pony would be freaked out by it... which is why I ran away. But my ability is what led me to witness Diamond Tiara’s future in the first place... so if I use the knowledge I’ve gained to save Equestria, it’ll have made my drinking of the potion worth it.”

“Wait,” said Twilight. “How do you know that you cried Twist’s blood? Did you collect samples and have Petri Dish perform DNA tests on it?”

Pinkie shook her head.

“I know because my...” Pinkie rolled her head around in a wide circle to denote sarcasm. “...‘death knell’ Pinkie sense works in concert with the potion: blood counts as an exposed body part. When Fluttershy and I found Mayor Mare and the...” Pinkie rolled her head around again. “...‘death knell’ went off again-”

“All right, already,” growled Twilight as she scrunched her face up and blushed again. “Cut it out.”

“...I touched my tears and saw Cheerilee’s most painful memory – her last one.”

Twilight’s ears drooped.

“So you know that Cheerilee is... gone?”

Pinkie nodded slowly.

“And since that was her actual blood,” continued Pinkie, “that would have made that first time Twist’s actual blood.” Pinkie sat down and hung her head. “Oh, poor Cheerilee. What in Celestia’s name is Ponyville gonna do without you?”

Rainbow Dash turned to face Twilight and grinned.

“Y’know, Twilight,” said Rainbow, “this could be the break that you’re looking for. Pinkie’s testimony can help you bring Filthy’s trial to an end.”

“Trial?” asked Pinkie as she lifted her head. “So he was caught, huh?”

“Yeah, Filthy Rich was arrested right after the murder and Princess Celestia appointed Twilight as the judge to his trial.” Rainbow faced Twilight again. “Pinkie witnessed the murder, Twilight. Put her on the witness stand and Filthy’ll be swinging from a noose by tomorrow night.”

“Filthy’s already pled guilty to Cheerilee’s murder,” explained Twilight. “It’s the rape and the marenapping charges that are being disputed.”

Pinkie gulped.

“He... raped her, too?” asked Pinkie.

“Yes,” said Rainbow Dash.

“Allegedly,” corrected Twilight.

Bewildered and dismayed, Pinkie Pie lay down.

“Oh, dear sweet Celestia,” whispered Pinkie. “I sure am glad I didn’t have to sit through that, too.”

“He’s gonna hang for the murder, right?” asked Rainbow of Twilight. “What difference does it make if that happens with or without his dick attached? I mean, you tell me: isn’t character assassination really all this trial is about at this point? Hanged is hanged. Convince the DA to withdraw the lesser charges, put Pinkie on the witness stand, she’ll describe what she saw, you can convict him of what we can prove he did, and be done with it already.”

Twilight recoiled slightly. She opened her mouth and hesitated before speaking.

“I-I can’t do that,” she said, scratching her crest with her left forehoof while avoiding eye contact. “Pinkie may have seen what happened but she’s no more of an eyewitness to Cheerilee’s murder than I was to Princess Luna’s transformation into Nightmare Moon. Seeing the past with that potion is a magical ability, meaning her testimony would be inadmissible in court.”

“Oh, come on, Twilight!” snapped Rainbow Dash. “This should’ve been an open and shut case. Fluttershy said she wouldn’t hold your decision against you so what’s the holdup?”

“Fluttershy?” inquired Pinkie, lifting her head.

Twilight frowned at Rainbow Dash.

“There is no holdup,” barked Twilight snarkily. “This is just how the system works. And even if there was a holdup, I’m not at liberty to discuss it – and I’m certainly under no obligation to explain the concept of due process to you.” Rainbow Dash was taken aback by Twilight’s harsh tone. “What you perceive to be a holdup is, in fact, me doing things by the book and this might come as a surprise to you but these things take time. This is my case to officiate and I’ve been doing just fine without an impatient forelegchair quarterback telling me how I should be doing my job. The day that Princess Celestia decides that you’re qualified to oversee a trial of your own, I’ll gladly defer to your authority and trust your better judgment... but until that day comes, I’m the one calling the shots... so, if it’s not too much trouble, could you please get off my hoofing back?!”

Rainbow Dash’s ears drooped. Her lower lip jutted out as she turned her head away from Twilight and sat down. Twilight sat down and covered her mouth with her forehooves, surprised at herself for the way she spoke to Rainbow Dash.

Twilight looked at Applejack. The expression of disdain on the farmpony’s face matched the one on Rarity’s. And although Pinkie’s face was obstructed by her mask, it was a sure bet that the party pony wasn’t happy with her.

Twilight closed her eyes and sighed. She walked over to Rainbow Dash with her head hung low.

“I’m so sorry, Rainbow,” said Twilight softly. She lay down before the victim of her outburst and rested her jaw on the grass by Rainbow Dash’s forehooves. “I didn’t mean to yell at you. You can’t imagine how much stress I’ve been under with this trial. I represent the spirit of magic and I’m in a situation where magic is forbidden. And the Princess of Friendship has to do a job without any help from the friends she cares about the most. When I’m in that courtroom, I feel as though all of my strengths have been taken away from me and all of my weaknesses are being paraded about. I know that’s not a valid excuse to scold you like a foal but... it’s all I’ve got.” Twilight opened her glistening eyes and looked up at Rainbow. “Please forgive me.”

Rainbow Dash faced forward and grinned weakly at the humble alicorn before her. She lay down beside her and placed a foreleg across the back of her neck.

“Yeah, I can do that,” declared Rainbow Dash, nuzzling Twilight’s cheek. “And we all know you’ve been stressed out. Who wouldn’t be under all that pressure? I guess that’s one of the reasons why I’m so impatient. We’re worried about you. This trial’s been keeping you away from us and we miss having you around.”

Twilight smiled.

“Thanks,” she said. Rarity and Applejack approached Twilight and Rainbow and the four mares hugged.

Rainbow leaned to her left, looked at Pinkie Pie, and smiled.

“We’ve missed having all of our friends around,” noted Rainbow Dash. Pinkie sat up and hugged herself for want of a hug. “Hey, what happens when you touch yourself?”

Pinkie Pie gigglesnorted.

“Didn’t they teach you that in phys ed, Rainbow?” asked Pinkie.

Everypony shared a laugh at Pinkie’s raunchy quip.

“So, since we’re all feeling chummy now, what do you say, you guys?” asked Pinkie. “Can I count on your help on this?”

Rainbow Dash left Twilight’s side and approached Pinkie Pie while keeping her distance. Twilight got up and followed Rainbow Dash.

“Seriously?” asked Rainbow. “You couldn’t guess our answer on your own? Hay. No.”

Pinkie’s ears drooped.

“But-”

“You must be off your nut, girl,” added Applejack. “Ah’m powerful sorry ‘bout what you went through an’ all that but ah ain’t about ta kill no foals fer any reason – an’ neither should anypony.”

“But-”

“Absolutely out of the question, darling!” stated Rarity. “What you’re proposing goes against everything we believe in! It goes against everything you believe in, for that matter! Quite frankly, I’m appalled that you’d have the audacity to suggest that any of us should take anypony’s lives, to say nothing of the lives of a couple of children. Do you take us for a band of assassins?”

Pinkie turned to Twilight who had yet to give her an answer. She knew that if Twilight said yes, there was a chance that she could sway the others to follow her lead. The fact that Twilight didn’t adamantly spit out a blind no as the other girls did meant that there was still a glimmer of hope.

“Do you know the means by which they plan to destroy Equestria?” asked Twilight. “Is it with some kind of spell or monster? If that’s the case, we can just eliminate it instead of the girls.”

Pinkie hesitated.

“Uhh... I didn’t get that far in my vision... but I saw Diamond Tiara’s rage and I heard her anguish. I didn’t have any context for the specifics of her rant but I got enough of it to know they plan on doing Ponyville some serious harm. And with the fortune they’re gonna inherit from their parents, there’s no monster, spell, saboteur, or doomsday weapon that they couldn’t get their hooves on. They were old in my vision; like, Granny Smith old – which would make us even older. If we don’t kill them while we’re able-bodied and have our wits about us, we’ll be too feeble, too senile, or too busy pushing up daisies to do anything when they finally make their move.”

“Pinkie,” said Twilight. “The six of us have rainbow power-”

“Wait,” said Rainbow Dash. “Wwwhat kind of power?”

“I said ‘the six of us have rainbow power’,” repeated Twilight. “But there’s nothi-”

“I didn’t catch that,” said Rainbow Dash with a poorly concealed smirk. “What was the name of that awesome world-saving power we have called again?”

Twilight leered at Rainbow Dash’s facetious interruption. Rarity approached Rainbow and held the pegasus’ mouth shut with her right forehoof.

“Rainbow, darling, do close your mouth now, please,” said Rarity with a grin. “You’re letting out all of the annoying.”

Twilight returned her attention to Pinkie Pie.

“There’s nothing that says there won’t be a next generation of ponies who can wield rainbow power once we’ve passed on or retired from active service to the Princess.”

“Just like there’s nothing that says that there will be a next generation of ponies who can wield rainbow power!” countered Pinkie. “We can’t afford to gamble on your solution panning out!”

“And you expect us ta gamble on yours?” asked Applejack.

“IT’S THE ONLY WAY WE CAN BE SURRRE!!” screamed Pinkie, flailing her forelegs about while hopping on her hind legs.

“No, it isn’t,” said Rarity. “I may have a solution. Spike is going to outlive every pony in town. We could charge him with the task of keeping an eye on those girls and dealing with any situation that may come to pass.”

Pinkie Pie scoffed at Rarity’s solution with an exaggerated sputter.

“Oh, come on, Rarity!” squawked Pinkie. “Are you seriously saying that you’d be able to sleep at night knowing that the fate of Equestria is resting in Spike’s claws?”

“Hey,” protested Twilight.

“And just what do you mean by that, Miss Pie?” asked Rarity. “Spikey-Wikey is a hero in his own right and he’s just as capable as any of us.” Rarity turned to Applejack. “Isn’t that right, Applejack?”

“Uhh... you don’t want an honest answer to that, do ya, sugarcube?” asked Applejack with a nervous smile.

Rarity turned to Rainbow Dash.

“Let me guess,” said Rarity. “You feel the same way.”

“No, no,” denied Rainbow Dash. “He’s uhhhhh... I think he’s brave... annnnd... smart? A-And he can be pretty quick on his feet when he has to be. I’m sure he can-” Her ears drooped. “Okay, yeah, you got me; I do feel the same way.”

“I’ve got an even better idea,” said Pinkie. “Twilight can order the castle guards to march on over to Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s houses. They’ll enter their bedrooms while they’re asleep, cut their heads off...” Pinkie sat up and swatted her forehooves across one another for effect. “Bing-bang-zam, problem solved, no blood on any of our hooves; a little from my eyes, maybe, but you can’t make an omelet yadda, yadda, yadda.” Pinkie stood on her hind legs and raised her right foreleg to the starry sky in a pose of celebration. “Yay, friendship!”

Disgusted by Pinkie’s outrageous suggestion, everypony’s face wrinkled.

Pinkie lowered her foreleg.

“No ‘yay friendship’?” she asked.

“No!” spat out a dismayed Twilight. “No ‘yay friendship’! Guards decapitating foals is not the basis for a ‘yay friendship’! They have the right to disobey a direct order on moral grounds, even if I gave them a special dispensation for carrying it out. I’d still be the one directly responsible for Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon’s deaths.”

Pinkie shook her head.

“Nuh-uh,” argued Pinkie. “They’re traitors. And high treason is punishable by death, anyway. It would be a lawful execution with no gray area. Your brother’s a soldier; he would agree with me.”

“No, he wouldn’t, because those girls won’t commit their act of treason for at least half a century. So, yes, taking their lives before their treachery would be premeditated murder. And knowingly acting as an accessory to a murder is illegal, immoral, and would stamp all of our souls with a guaranteed one-way trip to Tartaros for eternity. We would never knowingly commit an evil act – even to prevent another one from happening.”

Rarity inserted herself between Twilight and Pinkie Pie, looking the earth pony in the eye.

“Not to mention that the murder of two fillies who we’re supposed to kill based solely on your testimony that they’re going to commit crimes against Equestria years from now would be an atrocity that we’d remember for the rest of our days,” added Rarity. “How would we live with ourselves after helping you commit such heinous deeds?”

“Then there’s the fact that Diamond Tiara is Fluttershy’s stepdaughter now,” added Applejack.

“WHAT??” squawked Pinkie.

“Yeah, Filthy Rich is Fluttershy’s new husband. You didn’t know?”

“No!”

“Well, it’s true.”

“Good thing she isn’t here, then.”

“So you’re actually askin’ us ta help you kill our mutual friend’s young‘un. If we went along with it, how would we ever look Fluttershy in the eye again?” Applejack narrowed her eyes at Pinkie and angled her head slightly. “Say, you ain’t been approached by those GeRMs, have ya?”

“I lived in a sewer, AJ,” said Pinkie. “The whole place is crawling with germs.”

Applejack groaned and pulled her hat over her face.

“Pinkie, we were all so worried when you went missing,” said Rarity. “Yet, now that we’ve found you, our worry hasn’t abated at all. The Pinkie Pie we all know and love enjoys parties, laughter, and friendship... and she would never suggest such a grisly course of action no matter what was at stake. Can’t you see how awful this plan of yours sounds?”

“You just don’t get it,” asserted Pinkie. “Desperate times call for desperate measures! Those girls are gonna be just as bad as Tirek; maybe even worse since they’ll have decades to operate within Equestria unsupervised.”

“Tirek was different,” noted Twilight. “He was and is a clear and present danger. From what you’re telling me, you have little more than a hunch that Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon are going to follow through with what you overheard. Suspects are innocent until proven guilty. Killing ponies who aren’t due to be suspects until they’ve become senior citizens is not how we confront our enemies.”

“And if that’s how you roll now,” said Rainbow Dash, “where does it go from there?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Are you gonna buck pregnant mares in their bellies because you believe that they’re carrying the fetuses of future criminals?”

“Slaughterin’ innocent foals is what villains do, Pinkie,” pointed out Applejack. “Not heroes like us.”

Pinkie’s head turned from pony to pony. Everypony was against her. She drew in a deep breath and released it slowly.

“Heroes like us, huh?” she asked rhetorically. “Since when does doing nothing make somepony a hero? Hm? I used to think we were all heroes but now I’m starting to have my doubts. Do you want to know what being a real hero is about? I’ll tell you. It’s about making hard choices that nopony will ever thank you for; the kind of choices that costs you everything you hold dear! It wasn’t an easy one to make but I made it because I know it’s for the future of Equestria! Do any of you actually think I enjoy the idea of killing anypony? Much less a couple of fillies? I love kids! Just not those two. I know the penalty for murder. I don’t want to be jailed or hanged... and I sure as hoof don’t want to burn in Tartaros. But they have to die nowwww.”

Pinkie Pie hopped onto a rock and stood on her hind legs while extending her forelegs outward.

“Take a look around, everypony,” instructed Pinkie. “Have you seen this place? I mean, have you really really-really-really-reeeeeeeally seen it? It’s gorgeous! Even at night, every inch of it is hoofing beautiful. I haven’t traveled all over the world but I can tell you that there can’t be a better place on the planet than good old Equestria. We have food, jobs, a sense of community, housing, medicine, cake...”

“Cake’s food,” said Twilight.

“Shh,” hissed Pinkie abruptly. “My point is that we have these things today thanks to the sacrifices of dedicated mares and stallions who cared enough about Equestria to preserve and protect it from its enemies. I love the life I’ve had, the friends I’ve made, and the land that gives us everything we need. And in honor of those ponies that came before us, I’d pay any cost to keep Equestria safe from those who would do it harm. Why aren’t you...”

Pinkie paused for a moment and looked at her friends’ faces. She saw the myriad of options still open to them. She envied them for it – but after that fleeting moment of envy had passed, she felt happy for them.

“...on... board with...”

She closed her eyes and swallowed.

“I seem to have made a mistake here,” said Pinkie calmly, reopening her eyes.

“Duh!” said Rainbow Dash.

“I don’t mean my stance on Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,” continued Pinkie. “I mean that we’re not the same anymore.” She lifted a corner of her cloak. “You only have to look at how I’m dressed to know that it’s true. You can still get married. Still touch your husbands. Still have children and grandchildren you can hug and kiss. You have the ability to lead normal lives. How could I ask you to give that up? There’s no need for all of us to have this on our consciences.”

She looked at Rarity.

“This is just like what I said to Rarity after we played a game of Horse-drawn and Quartered. I should be the pony to stay behind so that you can climb on my shoulders and live on. It was selfish of me to try and enlist your help. I’m the one who knows the truth about the future. This should be my burden alone. I’ll kill them by myself.” Pinkie turned around, took a few steps, and then stopped to look over her shoulder at her friends. “For what it’s worth, tell Fluttershy, Filthy Rich, and Silver Spoon’s folks that I’m sorry for what I had to do.”

Pinkie walked away – in the direction of the high rent district.

Twilight approached Rainbow Dash and whispered into her ear.

“Hey, Pinkie,” called out Twilight. “L-Let’s not be too hasty here. We might be able to find another option.”

“Don’t trouble yourself,” said Pinkie. “You don’t have to help me. Honest.”

“Could we at least discuss the matter further over some food?” She opened her saddlebag telekinetically and removed a small, clear plastic bag with a bundle that was wrapped in wax paper. “I packed some sandwiches in the event that you might be hungry when we found you. Would you like one?”

“That’s sweet of you, Twilight, really,” noted Pinkie. “But I’ve got this. There’s nothing more to discuss.”

“It’s grilled Swiss cheese with roasted red pepper and asparaguuuuus,” sang Twilight. “– on panini breaaaaaad.” Twilight levitated the sandwich and unwrapped it for Pinkie. “We could split one if you don’t think you can finish the whole thing.”

Pinkie’s stomach grumbled. She smacked her lips.

“A-As I was saying,” stammered Pinkie. “There’s nothing more to discuss... but when it comes right down to it, what has this world come to when a girl can’t take just ten minutes out of her busy schedule to eat with her best friends?” After accepting the sandwich from Twilight, Pinkie slid her right forehoof under the chin of her mask in order to relocate it atop her head and free up her salivating mouth.

While Pinkie’s vision was temporarily obstructed by lifting her mask, Twilight quickly gestured to Rainbow Dash by waving her chin. Rainbow nodded in response and flew into Pinkie Pie with great speed, tackling her and wrestling her to the ground. With no hoof to support it, Pinkie’s sandwich spun in the air twice before hitting the ground and falling apart.

“HEY!!” squealed Pinkie Pie. “GET OFF OF ME!!” Her voice was no longer as muffled due to her mask positioned between being on top of her head and over her face.

“Not gonna happen!” yelled Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie attempted to stand on all fours but Rainbow Dash managed to grab her in a waistlock and utilized a takedown maneuver that sent both ponies tumbling back to the grass with Pinkie lying on her back atop Rainbow’s belly. No matter which side Pinkie tried to tip herself, Rainbow countered it by planting her hind hooves into the ground and shifting her weight in the opposite direction.

“Feel free to help at any time!” grunted Rainbow.

Applejack sprang into action by removing a lasso from her saddlebag and running towards Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. Pinkie attempted to thrust her hind legs straight up into the air in order to backwards somersault out of Rainbow’s grasp but it was too late. Applejack had used her award-winning hogtying skills to bind all four of Pinkie’s legs together in record time.

“You don’t realize what you’re doing!” accused Pinkie.

“Actually, I think you’re the one who doesn’t realize what you’re doing,” retorted Rainbow Dash. She gently rolled Pinkie onto her side, slid out from underneath her, and stood up. “Did you seriously think we were gonna let you just walk away from us, knowing what you have planned?” Applejack and Rainbow Dash hefted the party pony up together and set her down on all fours.

“CAREFUL!” screamed Pinkie. “DON’T TOUCH MY FACE! HEEEEELLLP!!”

Applejack lowered Pinkie’s mask back over her face.

“We are helpin’ ya, sugarcube,” insisted Applejack. “We love you. So relax now, y’hear? We don’t wantcha ta hurt yerself.”

“And you have my word that none of your doctors will touch you with their bare hooves,” promised Twilight. “At least until we’re sure that the effects of the potion have worn off.”

“Doctors??” asked Pinkie as she began to breathe heavily. “But I’m not sick!!”

“Then, by my authority as princess, I’m hereby placing you under arrest for the crime of conspiracy to murder,” decreed Twilight.

“WHAT?” shouted her friends.

“Well, we can’t just seize a healthy mare without probable cause.” Twilight looked at Pinkie. “I hate to say it but I doubt a jury would find in favor of a pony who announced her criminal intent to four reliable witnesses.”

“Twilight,” called out Applejack, worried that her friend truly meant to imprison Pinkie Pie.

“I wasn’t finished, AJ,” said Twilight as she kept her gaze fixed on Pinkie Pie. “This is only what will happen if you’re claiming that you aren’t sick. But if you are sick, then, for your own good, we’ll simply place you in the custody of Ponyville Hospital where you’ll be held for psychological evaluation. You’ll be released on your own recognizance once it’s been determined that you’re back to normal. Now then – are you going to make me arrest you as a princess or are you going to let me escort you safely to the hospital as a friend?”

Pinkie trembled.

“Ummm... is there a third option for a pony who’s neither sick nor well but is actually a prankster who’s taken an elaborate practical joke a bit too far?” asked Pinkie. “Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Haaaaaaaaa....?”

Rainbow Dash sighed and facehoofed. She covered her mouth with her right forehoof, turned her head, and coughed softly.

“WWWWWOW, what a cough you’ve got there, Pinkie,” she observed. “Sounds like it could be the flu.”

“Or perhaps even pneumonia,” said Rarity.

“Well, that settles it,” said Twilight. “The hospital it is.”

After levitating Pinkie simultaneously for additional security, Rarity and Twilight began the long walk to Ponyville Hospital. Applejack and Rainbow Dash followed closely; each of their mouths held a lasso wrapped around Pinkie’s torso – just in case.

“PLEASE-PLEASE-PLEASE LET ME GO!!” cried Pinkie. “I’M NOT THE REAL THREAT TO EQUESTRIA!! I’M ONLY GONNA TAKE TWO LIVES! DIAMOND TIARA AND SILVER SPOON ARE GONNA TAKE MILLIONS! MILLIOOOOOOONS!!! WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!”

Pinkie stopped crying briefly.

“Could we go back for that sandwich?” she asked calmly.

“No,” said Twilight.

Pinkie resumed her weeping as the opportunity to eat her sandwich – and prevent the destruction of the country she loved – slipped through her hooves.

Her friends were not far from tears themselves seeing their beloved friend so distraught.

The first thing that Silver Spoon noticed after opening her eyes was that there was practically no difference between what she saw now and when her eyes were closed.

The second thing she noticed was that an object was wedged inside her mouth that wasn’t there when she went to bed and it was causing her considerable discomfort. She tried to reach her muzzle so she could remove the offending object but her wrists were bound together behind her back. While she wasn’t surprised to discover that her ankles were also bound together, she had hoped that they were not. Somepony had foalnapped her and it was a certainty that it was not committed by anypony who had her best interests at heart.

One thought barreled its way to the forefront of her mind: something was extremely wrong here.

Panic set in immediately.

She wriggled to free herself but the ropes or cords had reduced her mobility to that of an earthworm. Pushing past her fear and uncertainty, she assessed her immediate situation.

She was lying on her left side on a cold floor that smelled like unfinished lumber. She was gagged with a hoofkerchief that was tied on so tightly that the corners of her mouth were drawn back as far as her lips would allow. Despite how silly she knew she would sound, she owed it to herself to cry out for help in the hope that somepony who was not responsible for her foalnapping would hear her cries and come to her rescue.

Just as she drew in a breath to power her scream, she looked up and saw a tiny flicker of light that could possibly be a lit candle. She heard hoofsteps as several more such lights turned on. Shadows of ponies moved about in the dark room until enough of the flames provided her with a better view. Apple Bloom, the former ringleader of the now defunct Order of The Omelet, was standing beside her. The farm filly wore a satisfied smirk as she looked down upon her captive.

“Oh, good, you’re up,” observed Apple Bloom. “The other Crusaders wanted ta start withoutcha but ah insisted that we wait. Ah didn’t wantcha ta miss out on all the fun we were gonna have – ‘we’ meanin’ just us Crusaders. Ah reckon you won’t be havin’ much fun at all.”

Silver Spoon looked around and recognized her surroundings. This was the Cutie Mark Crusaders clubhouse. All of the window shutters were closed but judging by how no sunlight was coming in, it was either still nighttime or somepony had covered every window with solid wooden planks. Scootaloo made her way into Silver Spoon’s line of sight. The pegasus was making stops at each of the numerous lanterns placed throughout the clubhouse, lighting them, and moving on to the next one. The result was a rust-hued glow which made the place feel like some long forgotten log cabin that had been used only once for some nefarious purpose.

Silver Spoon puffed a sentence through her gag. She sounded just as ridiculous as she thought she would.

“Lemme see if ah got that right,” requested Apple Bloom. “That was either a request ta let you go or a question about where Diamond Tiara was. If mah first guess was right, the answer is... not yet.” Silver Spoon’s ears drooped. “If mah second guess was right, then she happens ta be upstairs with Babs an’ Sweetie Belle. Hey, Sweetie Belle?”

“Yeah?” shot back Sweetie Belle.

“Give Diamond Tiara a love tap so Silver Spoon knows she’s up there with ya.”

“You heard ‘er,” said Babs. “Say hi ta yoah friend, rutface.”

A dull thud sounded out from above which was followed by a sustained, muffled groan. Silver Spoon’s ears perked up. From what she could make out of it, the groan could have, in fact, been made by a cheap-shotted Diamond Tiara who was most likely equally incapacitated.

“Hey, no fair, Babs!” squeaked Sweetie Belle. “She asked me to do it!”

“My bad,” said Babs.

Silver Spoon noticed that the lighting had changed to where the clubhouse was now as brightly lit as it was during daylight hours.

“We hate ta keep you two apart,” explained Apple Bloom to Silver Spoon, “but the thing is we hate draggin’ yer sorry rumps up an’ down the stairs even more... so we thought up a fun way ta bring y’all back together usin’ our mutual friend: gravity. Scoots? Could you lend me a hoof?”

“Absolutely,” said Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo dragged their captive to a steel chair situated in the center of the room. Silver protested the rough treatment but not a word of her displeasure was intelligible. They placed her in the chair and proceeded to secure her upper body to the backrest with rope. Once her upper body had been fastened to the chair, the Crusaders began to untie Silver Spoon’s legs.

“We need to tie your legs to the chair’s legs,” said Scootaloo. “Don’t kick.”

Silver Spoon knew that no good would come of obeying the Crusaders. Once her legs were untied, she began to kick. The chair must have been bolted to the floorboards because as wildly as Silver Spoon kicked, the chair didn’t rock a centimeter.

“I said no kicking!” shouted Scootaloo.

The pegasus reached out with her forelegs and grabbed Silver Spoon’s left hind leg while Apple Bloom grabbed her right hind leg.

Both Crusaders pulled Silver’s legs apart, spreading them. Still holding on to the grey filly’s left hind leg, Scootaloo spun around and delivered a one-legged roundhouse buck to Silver Spoon’s crotch.

Silver’s eyes opened wide as a muffled groan burst forth from her lungs involuntarily.

She couldn’t believe that it was possible for a pony to experience a pain as intense as the one she was now feeling. Her brain was ablaze with activity as her fillyhood relayed the same message over and over: sweet Celestia, that really hurt. The pain was so overwhelming that she couldn’t even scream. She considered herself lucky that she didn’t pass out.

“Try that again and you’ll get five more just like it,” threatened Scootaloo.

The threat did not fall on deaf ears. The dastardly blow had taken the fight right out of Silver Spoon. She didn’t believe that she could have kicked or moved her legs even if she wanted to. Encountering no further resistance, the Crusaders finished tying the gray filly’s ankles to the legs of the steel chair.

Silver Spoon stared down the Crusaders with as cold and contemptuous a glance as she could perform. The Crusaders ignored it.

“Is the camera ready?” asked Apple Bloom, dusting off her forehooves.

Scootaloo ran to a nearby tripod with a movie camera attached and examined it.

“Aye-aye, cap’n,” replied Scootaloo. “Lens cap’s off and everything.”

Apple Bloom turned to face Silver Spoon.

“We’re recordin’ this fer posterity,” she explained.

“And because it’ll be funny,” Scootaloo reminded Apple Bloom.

“That too.”

Apple Bloom smiled and looked at the ceiling with a glint of excitement in her eye.

“Sweetie Belle, have ya gotcher pushbroom ready up there?” she asked.

“Yes, ma’am,” called out Sweetie Belle from the second floor. “All set to send you whatever needs sending.”

Silver Spoon’s ears perked up. Sweetie Belle’s voice somehow sounded clearer to her. She looked at the ceiling and spotted an open hatch directly above her chair.

Was this what Apple Bloom meant by being reunited with Diamond Tiara via gravity? wondered Silver Spoon.

“Ready with yer equipment, Babs?”

“Ready, willin’, and able, cuz,” replied Babs.

“Then let ‘er rip.” Apple Bloom took out her movie clapboard and walked in front of the camera. “Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon in ‘Around These Parts’, scene one, take one. Action!”

Babs began to hum a jolly tune as a sustained mechanical humming sound came from the same general area. Silver Spoon kept up staring at the hatch as she tried to imagine what could produce a sound like that. She hit upon a theory – and then tried to imagine what else could produce a sound like that.

Diamond Tiara growled and barked muffled words of protest while Sweetie Belle giggled in the background.

After a few minutes, the humming ceased.

“Incomiiiing,” warned Sweetie Belle.

“Okayyyyy,” said Apple Bloom.

The bristles of Sweetie Belle’s pushbroom swept against the second floor’s floorboards. Before long, a mass of some unknown object appeared on the edge of the hatch and then fell slowly. Silver Spoon quickly scrunched her eyes shut and lowered her head to protect her face.

She felt something soft and fluffy land on her head. She opened her eyes and saw long locks of lavender and white hair in her lap as well as on the floor. Babs had apparently shaved off Diamond Tiara’s mane and tail with electric clippers.

“You should come up and see this, Apple Bloom,” giggled Sweetie Belle. “She looks so funny bald.”

“Oh, don’t y’all worry ‘bout me. Ah’ll be gettin’ a good show down here soon enough.”

Silver Spoon whimpered. She didn’t want to lose her own hair but, just like Diamond Tiara, she wouldn’t be given much of a say in the matter.

“Nice work, Babs,” shouted Scootaloo.

“Thanks,” replied Babs. “But dat was just a wuahm-up. Now I’m ready ta kick it inta second geah.”

“We’re ready when y’all are,” said Apple Bloom.

Babs resumed her humming. Diamond Tiara started to yell hysterically through her gag.

A mechanical whirring much louder and stronger than the electric clippers came from the second floor.

“By the way,” said Apple Bloom to Silver Spoon. “That sound yer hearin’? That’s mah brother’s circular saw.”

Silver Spoon’s pupils narrowed in terror.

They wouldn’t dare, thought Silver Spoon. They’re just trying to scare me.

Silver Spoon nearly wet herself at the sound of Diamond Tiara screaming at the top of her lungs through her gag. It was even more bloodcurdling than her screams at the hooves of Miss Cheerilee’s abuse. Its pitch was so high that she sounded more like a screeching eagle. The screaming continued, stopping only long enough for Diamond Tiara to refill her lungs to scream again.

“Holy moley, wouldja shut up, already?” asked Babs.

This can’t be happening, thought Silver Spoon. They’re probably just dangling worms in her face or something like that. I might scream that way, too.

“Ewwww,” said Sweetie Belle. “Incomiiiing!”

“Okayyy,” responded Apple Bloom.

Two small objects fell from the hatch. One landed on the top of Silver Spoon’s head and stayed there. The other landed on her right hind leg.

Silver Spoon looked at the object on her leg. It felt warm.

And for good reason: it was, until recently, attached to Diamond Tiara’s head.

The object was one of Diamond Tiara’s severed ears.

Silver Spoon screamed and writhed about in a desperate dance of fear and rage. The ear on her head fell behind her and the one in her lap was flung off, leaving behind a bloodstain on her leg. She called upon every ounce of strength she had to free herself. If she could not remove herself from this chair – and fast – Diamond Tiara would certainly go into shock from blood loss and could even die if her wounds were left untreated.

The ropes were too strong and tied on too well to come loose. All Silver Spoon could manage to do was bounce her rump up and down like somepony receiving an extended shock from a zap apple tree.

“This is good stuff,” said Scootaloo.

“Whatdja saaay?” yelled Apple Bloom in order to be heard over the power tool.

“I said this is good stuff! You just don’t see this kind of acting from the Applewood movie stars of today!”

“Ah know, right?”

The circular saw dropped in pitch as saws do when cutting through something dense such as wood. Diamond Tiara’s screams grew louder during the drop. Once the saw temporarily rose in pitch again, her screams were replaced by drawn out bawling and the sound of something that had some weight to it bonked against the floor. This occurred four times in the span of a minute and a half. Tears flowed down Silver Spoon’s face as she was tortured by the horrific sounds of the love of her life being mutilated. She was physically and emotionally spent and sank back into her seat.

“Okay, I need ta take a break fer a second,” declared Babs. The sound of the circular saw stopped and a distinct ‘thunk’ sounded out, signifying to Silver Spoon that Babs had set the saw on the floor for the moment. “Whew! Usin’ dis doohickey is tougha dan I thawght.”

“Let me try,” noted Sweetie Belle.

“Nuh-uh. Now sweep dese down the hatch.”

“Fine. Incomiiing!”

“Okayyyy!” approved Apple Bloom.

Silver Spoon lowered her head and closed her eyes in preparation of an impact.

POW.

She saw stars for a moment as a result of being struck in the head by several blunt objects that fell from the hatch. When she opened her eyes, she saw all four of Diamond Tiara’s severed hooves scattered about the floor. Each hoof birthed a slowly expanding crimson pool from its point of severance.

Her coat stained with Diamond Tiara’s blood, Silver Spoon shut her eyes tightly and cried. Her chest hurt even more than her groin and her head combined. She had failed her beloved. She didn’t know how much longer she was going to be able to keep her sanity when more pieces of Diamond Tiara were due to rain down over her. All she could do to numb her agony was blame herself and think about how she could have prevented this from happening.

A soft popping sound rang out and Silver Spoon found herself tipping to her right. She thought that the chair might have been loosened from its bolts in the floor due to her earlier struggle to escape her bonds but this was not the case. The chair remained where it was and she came spilling out of it – and she was able to halt her fall by standing on all fours.

The ropes and the gag were gone. By some act of Celestia, she was now free.

“What the heck?” asked Scootaloo.

“Now this is impressive,” said a voice belonging to one Princess Luna. The alicorn entered the clubhouse slowly looking over the decor and the body parts littering the floor. “A bit nauseating but impressive. You’re having a nightmare, Silver Spoon. None of this is real.”

A tidal wave of relief washed over Silver Spoon upon hearing this news. She and the genuine Diamond Tiara were safe.

Her captors, however, were not.

Silver neighed a fierce battle cry as she charged at the movie camera. She slammed into the tripod shoulder first, knocking Scootaloo down along with the camera.

Princess Luna spread her wings and looked down at Apple Bloom who appeared to be rather intimidated by the sight of the alicorn.

“C’mon, baby!” shouted Apple Bloom as she began to spin a loopty hoop around her waist. “Ah need sex! AH’M A MIDNIGHT COWPONYYYY!!”

The Princess of the Night rolled her eyes.

“That will be quite enough of that, you delusional manifestation of paranoia,” decreed Luna.

She cast her nightmare dispersal spell, causing Apple Bloom to vanish in a puff of smoke. Luna turned her head to see what was causing the loud noises she heard coming from Silver Spoon’s direction – and her pupils narrowed at the sight of it.

Silver Spoon had pried the movie camera free of the tripod and was repeatedly smashing Scootaloo in the head with it, grunting and squealing with rage each time the camera connected with the pegasus’ face and head. Scootaloo yelped and writhed as the assault continued.

With wild eyes that shone with seething hatred, Silver Spoon grabbed the stunned Scootaloo by the tail with her teeth and dragged her to the iron chair to which she had been tied. She hoisted the dazed pegasus onto her shoulder, stood up tall on her hind legs, and held onto her as she quickly dropped to her plot– slamming Scootaloo across the immovable chair’s backrest throat first.

“Ooh!” spat Luna, holding her own throat out of sympathy pain.

One gurgling death rattle later, Scootaloo’s body crumpled to the floor and remained motionless. Blood came bubbling up from her throat like a carbonated beverage that was carelessly shaken. It travelled along the cracks of the floorboards like a series of crimson snakes.

“Ew,” said Luna as she dispersed Scootaloo along with the unsightly residue that had leaked out of her.

Silver Spoon stood on all fours and scowled as she caught her breath. She turned to face Princess Luna and she bowed respectfully. She rose from her bow and ran outside to ascend the stairway. She returned momentarily.

“The stairs to the second floor are gone,” she noted.

“I’m not surprised,” said Luna. “None of this structure is real.”

“Would you mind bringing me upstairs anyway, Your Highness? I want to beat up Sweetie Belle and Babs.”

“You’d better not!” shouted Sweetie Belle, sounding more frightened than confident.

“Yeah, stay down deah or I’ll tell yoah mother about yoah bad attitude!” threatened Babs.

“You aren’t telling anypony jack manure!” shouted Silver Spoon.

“I came here to dispel your nightmare,” explained Luna. “Not to facilitate your revenge fantasy.”

“Awwww.” Silver looked up at the ceiling. “Did you hear that? Princess Luna’s gonna dispel you.”

“I regret nothing!” cried Sweetie Belle. “Except for not getting my cutie mark.”

“I think I’m gonna miss pizza da most,” noted Babs.

With a glow of her horn, Luna dispelled the entire nightmare and relocated them to a lovely replica of a moonlit Ponyville Schoolhouse playground.

Silver Spoon examined herself. The blood that stained her coat was now gone along with any lingering pain from the kick to her filly flower.

“Are you still disturbed by your nightmare?” asked Luna.

“A little bit... but I’m getting over it. Thank you, Your Highness.”

“You have something of a one track mind regarding your friend, don’t you?”

“You could say that.”

“Your nightmares are indicative of a matter that troubles you in the real world. Why do you fear for Diamond Tiara’s life?”

“Because the Crusaders wanted to take it. They still might. They don’t know that she’s changed. I need to convince the real Crusaders that she’s not the same filly – and I need to do that before what happened in this dream happens for real. Anyway, thank you so much for convincing Diamond Tiara to come back and talk to me. We patched things up and our friendship is stronger than ever.”

“Please don’t remind me.”

Silver Spoon tilted her head.

“Why not?” she asked.

“Because I would prefer to forget I helped her achieve anything resembling a positive experience like friendship.”

“So she gave you a hard time, huh?”

“I cannot divulge the details by which I have granted you your boon. They count as royal business and are therefore classified information. I will say that I was less than impressed by her candor. I cannot fathom how you or anypony not suffering from a severe mental disorder would actually want somepony like her back in their lives. You don’t have a severe mental disorder, do you?”

Silver Spoon wrinkled her brow and nose at the question.

“No... but it was very thoughtful of you to ask.” She scratched the back of her head. “I could have sworn that she would have been nice to you. She seems to have turned herself around completely. Did you tell her that I was the one who asked you to give our friendship another try?”

“No.”

“Good. I don’t know how she’d react if she ever found out about that.”

“Had I known what she was like before I accepted your request, I would have told you that you were better off without her.”

Silver Spoon rubbed her left foreleg against her right foreleg.

“Soooo... are you saying that you’re considering returning my – ahhh...” Silver Spoon held her braid in her right forehoof and waved the tip at Luna. “...‘scrunchie’?”

Luna released a tiny neigh and snorted in protest.

“Absolutely not!” she barked. “I held up my end of the bargain. No takebacks!”

Silver Spoon recoiled from the princess.

“All right, already,” said Silver. “Sheesh.”

Luna inspected Silver Spoon’s face.

“What?” asked Silver Spoon.

“It’s recently come to my attention that you and your friend had a hoof in the death of a Ponyville filly,” said Luna.

Silver Spoon gulped.

“Uhhh... yeah. It’s true, Your Highness,” she admitted. “But I swear to you that it was an accident.”

“Knowing about this accident might have influenced my decision to help you had you come forward about it.”

“I wasn’t trying to hide it from you so that you could help me; honest. I mean, I wouldn’t have denied it if you had asked me. It’s just that you and I had just met and... it’s not a story that has good icebreaking potential.”

“Hmm... that’s fair enough, I suppose.”

“Diamond Tiara and I didn’t set out to kill her, Your Highness. We were only gonna pull a prank on her.”

“And was the prank as funny as you were hoping it would be?”

“No!” she replied. “It wasn’t funny at all. I saw the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my life! I wake up every morning feeling just fine but when I remember what I did on that afternoon, the guilt hits me and stays with me until I go to bed... and then it starts all over again. I wish I’d never gone through with it.”

Silver Spoon gasped, slapped her right forehoof across her mouth, and reared her head back. She closed her eyed and removed her forehoof.

“DAMN IIIIT!!” she yelled.

“What is the matter, child?” asked Luna.

Silver Spoon lowered her head and looked at the ground.

“I wished out loud again!” she grumbled. “I’m not supposed to do that!”

“You’re not?”

“No. Uhhhh! Of ALL the wishes I could have made out loud!”

“This is the dream world, you know. Technically speaking, you aren’t saying anything out loud at all.”

“That may be but I have no way of knowing if that counts or not.” She struck herself on the head repeatedly with her right forehoof. “Stupid, stupid, stu-”

Silver Spoon paused and blinked.

Something had occurred to her; something that the Princess of the Night was uniquely qualified to help her understand.

“Princess Luna?”

“Yes?”

“Your Highness, on the night of the accident, the victim – her name was Twist – came to me in a dream.” Silver Spoon shook as she posed her question to the princess. “Is it possible for spirits to enter the dreams of the living?”

Luna blinked.

“I do not have an answer for you, Silver Spoon. Never before have I seen a spirit with my own eyes – in the real world or the dream world. Much of the dream world’s properties still remain a mystery to me.”

“Oh. Well, never mind then.”

“Just a moment, child.” A gentle grin graced Luna’s lips. “You have piqued my curiosity... so allow me to make you an offer. I can cast a spell that will allow us to visit your memory of that dream. By your leave, we can watch it right now.”

Silver Spoon smiled.

“That would be awesome!”

“If the filly you saw was just a part of your dream, I can easily recognize her as dreamstuff. If she is something other than dreamstuff, I can sense that just as easily. Shall we go?”

“Yes, please, Your Highness.”

“Just concentrate on that dream and I will take over from there.”

Silver Spoon did as Luna asked. Within seconds, the courtroom from her dream materialized around them.

“Minus one power?” asked the Silver Spoon from the past. “I don’t even know what that means, Your Honor. Is that bad?”

“Okay,” said the current Silver Spoon. “So in a few seconds, everything’s gonna freeze and Twist will be coming through that doorway.” She pointed at the doorway in question.

“Very well,” said Luna.

“This whole dream is bad,” said the adult sized Twist as she stepped into the courtroom. “Zero out of ten. Would not watch again.”

“There she is,” said Silver Spoon. “Now, I know that she looks like a full grown mare right now but in a little while, she’ll turn into a filly.”

Luna tilted her head slowly and gave Silver Spoon a puzzled look.

“Who will?”

“Twist will. That’s her standing right in front of the other me. Is she dreamstuff or is she Twist’s spirit?”

The left corner of Luna’s mouth wrinkled.

“I see nopony in front of you save the judge on the bench and Diamond Tiara on the witness stand,” said Luna. “And they are definitely dreamstuff. Are you sure this is the right dream?”

A shiver ran down Silver Spoon’s spine and the hairs of her coat stood on end.

“Wh-What do you mean?” asked Silver Spoon. “How can you not see her? Curly red mane and tail? Cream coat? Light fuchsia eyes? About your height?”

“There is nopony directly in front of you or anywhere else in this courtroom who matches that description.”

“Your Highness, I swear to you that Twist is standing right there talking to the other me!” Her jaw dropped and she poked her hoof out into space repeatedly while looking at Twist. “Oh, you know what?” Silver faced Luna once again. “Maybe you can’t see her because of the adult form she’s taken. Let’s wait.”

Just as before, Twist transformed into her familiar filly form which then caused the Silver Spoon of the past to scream in terror at seeing a ghost.

“There,” said Silver Spoon, bouncing in the air once. “Now can you see her?”

“Heed me, Silver Spoon,” said Luna. “I believe that you see what you say is there but, on my honor, the only pony I see before us is your past self speaking as though she is having a conversation with somepony.”

Silver Spoon looked back and forth at Twist and Luna, trying to wrap her head around this bizarre mystery.

“Can you even hear her?” asked Silver Spoon. Luna shook her head. “This is, like, crazier than crazy. How can an earth pony filly like me possibly see something that an alicorn can’t?”

“I do not know. Whatever this vision of Twist was, I can assure you that she is certainly not dreamstuff. It may very well be that the spirits of those who have passed on can visit the dreams of the living.” She grinned as she held her hoof to her chin. “I find this revelation to be most intriguing.” Her ears drooped as she lowered her head. “...and yet, I’m also somewhat saddened... for I am now left wondering if I have been visited by my late friends in my own dreams, only for them to discover that I could not detect them.”

“You must miss your friends a lot.”

Luna nodded.

“Were my sister not a constant in my life, I believe that I would have a harder time of coping with their loss. It amazes me how she continues to befriend our subjects, our servants, and our guards at the castle. She takes the time to learn all of their names. She’s familiar with their families. And children! She loves them almost as much as I do. When a group of foals comes to the castle, she shines as brilliantly as the sun itself. Did you know that she sometimes visits orphanages unannounced and reads fairy tales to the children?”

“No, I didn’t.”

“It’s true. I’ve seen it myself. The way she connects with everypony is truly inspiring... and it is something that I can’t bring myself to do to the degree that she does.”

“Have you tried?”

“I dare not.”

“Why not?”

Luna grinned.

“Would you be able to invest yourself emotionally in a deep and meaningful friendship with a snowpony that you had built in your backyard?”

“No.”

“And why not?”

“Because it would hurt too much when summer came and they melted away.”

Luna grinned.

“I’ve seen more summers than I care to count, Silver Spoon. And I’ve built many snowponies... but it never gets any easier to watch them melt away. There’s an expression: it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

“Yeah. I’ve heard that one before.”

“There is but one thing I can tell you with the utmost confidence: whoever coined that expression was not an alicorn. Envy not my long lifespan, my little snowpony – for it is I who envies yours.”

Silver Spoon wasn’t quite sure what to make of the turn that their conversation had taken. Princess Luna was unloading some seriously heavy emotional baggage onto her but she was just a filly who was still new to making friends with ponies other than Diamond Tiara.

“Okay,” said the past Silver Spoon. “So, to recap: Don’t wish out loud. Don’t eat ambrosia blossoms.”

Luna’s ears perked up.

“Oh-ho,” chirped Luna. “So this is the dream in which you heard about the ambrosia blossoms.”

Silver Spoon’s head turned and she looked at Luna with surprise.

“You know what ambrosia blossoms are, Your Highness?” she asked. “What are they? What do they d-” Silver Spoon glared at Luna suspiciously. “Wait a minute – how did you know that I had heard about them? Did you talk to Princess Twilight?”

Luna cringed as beads of sweat raced down her royal forehead.

“Uhh.... I-I didn’t... what? You must forgive me. I tend to mumble to myself sometimes.”

“Whaaaaat? You didn’t mumble. You clearly said ‘so this is the dream in which you heard about the ambrosia blossoms.’”

“I... assure you that you heard incorrectly.”

“Don’t give me that. I know when I’m being given the runaround by a grownup. What you know could be the key to solving this mystery. Please tell me what ambrosia blossoms are, Your Highness.”

Clouds of mist gathered around Luna as she lowered her rump to the ground and waved her forelegs at Silver Spoon in slow pedaling motions.

“This is alllll just a dreeeeam...” she moaned eerily.

Silver Spoon looked at Luna with great disappointment to express how little she appreciated having her intelligence insulted.

“Wow,” said Silver Spoon sarcastically. “Really?”

Princess Luna flapped her wings slowly as she flew backward toward the moon.

“I was never actually herrrrrrrre,” continued Luna. “Doodle-loodle-doodle-loodle-doodle-loodle.”

“You’re seriously trying to pull this on me,” noted Silver Spoon in disbelief.

“Pull what on youuuuuuu? I don’t know what you’re talking abouuuuut... but why would I know anythiiiiiing? I’m merely a figment of your imaginatiooooon... Doodle-loodle-doodle-loodle-doodle-loodle.”

“What in- This is- All right; you know what? Fine. If that’s the way it’s gonna be, then you’re not really here – which means that you should have no problem with me doing this.” Silver Spoon picked up a dodgeball and bucked it toward Luna’s cloud. The ball traveled through the cloud and struck something solid before bouncing back.

“OW!!” shrieked the alicorn in her Royal Canterlot Voice. “Ods... BODKINS, that hurt! Ow-ow-ow-ow-ow... Right in our hoofing eye!” Covering her left eye with her left forehoof, Luna dissipated her cloud and returned to Silver Spoon. Her uncovered eye glowed brightly and a scowl was locked in place upon her features. “A curse upon thee for thine base villainy, child most foul! Thou dare lobbeth a dodgeball at thy Princess of the Night?!”

Silver Spoon smirked.

“I dunno,” replied Silver Spoon slyly. “Did I?”

Luna flinched.

“O-Of... Of course not, child,” stammered Luna nervously, smiling at the filly. “You did no such thing to the genuine Princess Luna... for we are naught but a dreeeeeeeeam...” Luna flew backward again as the mist surrounded her again and carried her to the moon. “Doodle-loodle-doodle-loodle-doodle-loodle.” Luna placed her forehoof against her eye again. “Ow... Fie!”

“Oh, give it a rest. If you don’t tell me right now, I’ll keep using the summoning spell over and over again.”

“I give you leave to try. I alone maintain the summoning spell. My sister does not. I have but to ignore the calling and nopony shall be the wiser.”

“Then I’ll just have to go to Canterlot Castle and find you in the real world!”

“Oh, yes, good luck finding me. My guards protect me as I sleep during daylight hours. And even if you manage to stay up throughout the night while I am active, I could be anywhere; perhaps even in somepony else’s dreams. I’d like to see you try to follow me there.”

“I don’t care what you say. One way or another, I’m gonna find you and make you tell me what you know.”

The mist cloud concealing Luna stopped floating toward the moon. The princess stuck her head out and glared at Silver Spoon.

“‘Make me’?” she asked. “Why, of all the nerve! Never before in all my years have I seen such insolence apart from Diamond Tiara! You know, I believe that I was mistaken about you; you and your friend are cut from the same incorrigible cloth! You truly deserve one another! Farewell. No; fare poorly!” Luna touched her left eyelid again and winced. “Owwww-hoo-hoo... Worst filly!”

“Worst princess!” shouted back Silver Spoon.

“Brat!”

“Emo!”

“Four eyes!”

“Ex-con!”

Luna sneered. She didn’t care for that label, apparently.

“Butch!” shouted Luna.

Silver Spoon squeaked a short scream upon hearing this attack on her femininity.

“Spinster!” she fired back angrily.

Luna’s good eye glowed as she scowled.

“WE DO NOT NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP IN ORDER TO FEEL EMOTIONALLY FULFILLLLLLED!!!!”

Oh, manure, I think I hit a nerve with that last one, thought Silver Spoon.

“Thou art most foolhardy to incur the ire of the Princess of the Night, child - for thine greatest fears are as an open book to us. We decree that one of thy punishments shall be taken from a page within that book.”

Silver Spoon gulped.

Luna’s body grew larger and larger. Her features began to shift. Within seconds she had transformed into a life sized Ursa Major. Rows of long sharp teeth parted as her jaws opened to deliver a mighty roar that sounded like a thunderclap from Tartaros.

Silver Spoon screamed and ran away – despite knowing that there was no way she could possibly escape the massive ursine creature.

The Luna Ursa Major lowered its head and effortlessly bit down on the patch of earth where Silver Spoon was located.

Diamond Tiara awoke to the sound of whinnying. The bed was rocking as though it was being used as a trampoline. She turned on the nightstand lamp and saw a foal-sized lump wrapped up in her comforter, thrashing around on the bed.

“Silver,” called out Diamond Tiara. “Calm down. You’re just having a bad dream.” She pulled the comforter off of Silver Spoon. The terror stricken filly jumped off the bed and whinnied as she whirled in circles, bucking wildly at the air, her hooves narrowly missing the room’s more expensive furnishings.

This was as spooked as Diamond Tiara had ever seen Silver Spoon become.

Diamond Tiara crawled out of the bed as quickly as her stitched rump allowed. Forgoing her harness, she hobbled to Silver Spoon and grabbed her in a headlock to put a stop to her bucking.

“Shhhhhh,” comforted Diamond Tiara. “Take it easy. It’s okay. Nothing’s gonna hurt you.”

The reassurance appeared to work. Silver Spoon was no longer spinning or bucking but she was still breathing quickly and she was trembling like a buzzing buzzard. A few residual neighs of worry worked themselves out of her body before she was silent.

Diamond Tiara released Silver Spoon and hobbled a step back to examine her face. Silver Spoon’s pupils were narrow from fear but she appeared to be all right otherwise.

“That must have been one crazy dream you were having,” said Diamond Tiara with a grin. “You were flipping-”

Diamond Tiara stopped talking because Silver Spoon’s attention was now keenly devoted to her right hind leg. Curious to see what had distracted her, Diamond Tiara observed Silver’s investigation. The grey filly lifted and shook her hind leg – which resulted in drops of urine shaken from her accidentally soaked pajama pant leg. A lump of manure came falling out of that pant leg and landed on the carpet.

Silver Spoon didn’t need her glasses to see what had happened.

Diamond Tiara cringed. Silver Spoon looked back at her. Her face was now a deep shade of red. She was holding back a river of tears and her quivering lips stretched from east to west. She began to sniffle and whine.

“Oh,” said Diamond Tiara with a pained yet sympathetic grin. “Hey, don’t worry about it, all right? It’s no big deal.”

Silver Spoon burst into tears and ran to the bathroom where she locked herself inside.

Diamond Tiara sighed and hung her head.

Author's Note

This chapter is dedicated to Rhanoa, one of The Diamond Exchange's most voracious readers who deserves much larger portions of this story than I am able to provide.

Compensatory

Author's Note

WARNING: Don't eat before reading this.

Compensatory

To most of the citizens of Equestria, this morning was much the same as any other. To Diamond Tiara, it was the official starting point of her legacy; a legacy that would last as long as the sun that shone through her window continued to rise in the east – that is, assuming that Princess Twilight Sparkle wouldn’t be put in charge of that particular task ever again.

Following a hearty yawn and a rub of her eyelids, Diamond Tiara looked to her right and saw that the spot beside her on the bed was presently unoccupied. Upon further inspection, she spotted Silver Spoon’s glasses and pearls on that side of the bed’s nightstand. As she recalled the previous night’s embarrassing event as well as the subsequent damage control, Diamond Tiara deduced that Silver Spoon was too ashamed to return to bed after the incident and had spent the remainder of the night holed up in the bathroom. As a pony who had recently lost control of her own bodily functions in plain view of others, Diamond could identify with Silver’s embarrassment and concluded that the most sensitive course of action to take was to give her friend as much time and space as she wanted.

Turning to her left, Diamond Tiara opened the drawer of her nightstand and took out a pencil and a notepad. She placed the eraser end in her mouth and spent the next few minutes writing a note. Once she had finished, she spat the pencil back into the drawer, removed the note from the rest of the pad, tossed the notepad back into the drawer, rolled over to the opposite side of the bed, and placed the note directly underneath Silver Spoon’s glasses where it couldn’t be missed.

She rolled back to her side of the bed and carefully stepped down from it. She picked up her tiara from the nightstand and tucked it into her mane securely. After strapping herself into her walking harness, she left her bedroom and shut the door behind her audibly to alert Silver Spoon to the fact that she had left the room and that Silver could exit the bathroom if she chose. She looked back at her bedroom door and silently wished Silver Spoon good luck in her recovery with a grin before trotting to a guest bedroom to begin her morning toilette.

The door to Diamond Tiara’s bathroom opened slowly. From behind it, a tiny gray muzzle poked out.

“Di?” called out Silver Spoon softly.

Nopony answered her call.

Silver Spoon spotted no moving pink blobs in the room so unless Diamond Tiara was hiding underneath the bed, it was a safe bet that the coast was clear.

Prioritizing her vision, Silver Spoon walked to the nightstand to fetch her glasses. She was currently au naturale, having disposed of her soiled pajamas in the bathroom’s trashcan last night before showering. Once her sight had been restored, she reached for her pearl necklace and found a note written in Diamond Tiara’s mouthwriting. Standing on her hind legs, she read the note while hooking her necklace clasps together behind her neck.

Dear Silver,

I put myself in your horseshoes and figured that the last thing you’d want to see when you decided to come out of the bathroom was me hovering over you and bringing up what happened. I’ve been where you are, remember? Rest assured that I meant what I said: it’s not a big deal. I’ve taken care of all of the evidence of last night’s incident. It wasn’t fun – it would have been deeply disturbing if I had found it fun – but if I had let the servants handle it, I would have had to tell them that I was responsible for it. I wasn’t about to have my best friend feel as though my servants were silently judging her every time she came over in the future. I think this is what they call ‘taking one for the team’ or something.

Silver Spoon stopped for a moment to take in what had taken place this night: rather than place the blame on the actual culprit and then getting somepony else to do it, Diamond Tiara, daughter of the wealthiest stallion in Ponyville, had actually cleaned a carpet soiled with feces and urine. Silver Spoon’s heart swelled with an even greater level of admiration for her beautiful diamond. While it would never appear in any official literature about her, Silver Spoon marked this selfless act as a benchmark of progress toward Diamond Tiara’s path as a future benevolent ruler of Equestria.

Silver Spoon smiled dreamily as she took the note in her mouth and hopped onto the bed where she crawled to Diamond Tiara’s side of the bed. She closed her eyes, buried her muzzle into the mattress, and inhaled deeply for a quick sample of paradise. Silver Spoon opened her eyes and sighed contentedly. If Elysium’s vast golden fields had a scent, it would have to be this one. She rolled onto her back and held the note up in her forehooves to read the last few lines.

I won’t bring this up again. If you want to talk about it, I’ll be around. Do whatever you want to do at your own pace.

Your awesome pal,

Di

P.S. If my guess is right, you’ll probably want to take out the bathroom trash yourself. In case you don’t know, the trashcans are out back by the garage.

Silver Spoon scowled as she remembered the alicorn princess responsible for this fiasco.

Princess Luna, she thought. That big horse; scaring me into messing myself in front of my beautiful Diamond. Why, if she was my size and didn’t have wings or magic, I’d show her a thing or two. Like, I’d beat the snot out of her so bad, a team of doctors wouldn’t be able to tell her face from her–

Silver Spoon gasped as a concern more pressing than vengeance came to mind.

“The Doctor!” she cried out, placing her forehooves against both sides of her face. “Manure! I’m gonna be late for my tutoring!” She ran for her overnight bag, grabbed it, slung it over her back, and ran to the bathroom. She retrieved the tied-closed trashbag in her mouth and sprinted for the door.

Fluttershy opened the top half of her cottage door and rested her forelegs across the bottom half as she took her first deep breath of fresh Ponyville air. This practice was her morning cup of coffee; even half a cup of the genuine article caused her to become easily startled.

“Good morning, Ponyville,” chirped Fluttershy with a grin, adjusting her bathrobe. “It looks like it’s going to be another lovely da-”

Fluttershy cut herself off due to an object that she spotted on the ground by her doorstep. It was a medium sized partially hooded basket stuffed with a baby blue blanket.

“Oh, my,” she exclaimed. “Somepony must have dropped off an animal for me to look after. Well, I’m always happy to help a new animal friend. I’d better bring him or her inside before removing the blanket in case they’re sensitive to chilly morning air.” She opened the lower half of her door, stepped through it, and took the basket handle in her mouth. Lifting the basket required a little more effort than she expected she’d need but she managed. “Goodness, you’re a little heavier than I thought you’d be. Are you a puppy who grew up too fast for your owner? Or maybe there’s more than one of you in there?” She turned around and went back inside, shutting both halves of the door behind her.

A yawning Angel Bunny wandered into the living room to see what had caught Fluttershy’s attention.

“Good morning, Angel,” said Fluttershy as she placed the basket on the living room table and turned her head to look at her bunny companion. “Somepony’s brought us a new house guest; maybe several. You be sure to be extra nice to them, okay?”

Angel grinned politely and nodded.

“Good boy,” she said with a warm smile.

When Fluttershy returned her attention to the basket, Angel rolled his eyes and slapped himself on the forehead. He believed that living conditions at the cottage were strained enough without another sob story critter taking up more precious space. He had lost count of the number of times that various birds had dropped “gifts” on his head from up high. And the process of getting a decent portion of food had become a competition of how fast you could run when feeding time was announced. The surly lapine hopped over to a nearby water bottle that was not currently in use (the reason for his practice of getting up earlier than most of the other critter residents) and drank his fill as Fluttershy removed the blanket to greet the newest addition to the household.

His ears rotated as he detected a series of sounds from his owner; sputtering and stammering followed by rapid breathing. He turned his head and saw that Fluttershy was in a serious state of panic. He had borne witness to Fluttershy panicking many times before but never like this. She was trembling, her pupils had narrowed, and her mouth opened and closed as she struggled in vain to form words that simply wouldn’t come out.

Angel ran to Fluttershy and thumped her forehoof with his hind leg to get her attention and see if she was all right. It had no effect. She did not look down at him. She backed away from the basket in the direction of the door with the steadfastness of a clock tower automaton. He watched as she took shaky backward steps. Standing in front of her, he hopped up and down on his hind legs while waving his forelegs, hoping to snap her out of her malaise. Just as before, her eyes remained fixed on the contents of the basket.

When she was close enough to the door, she kicked it open with her right hind leg, turned around, and fled from the cottage. Angel ran to the door and saw that she had taken to the air. She was flying somewhat erratically toward the middle of town to parts unknown. Angel hoped that Fluttershy hadn’t forgotten that she was pregnant and would be cautious not to injure either herself or the bun in her oven during this impromptu trip.

Angel slowly turned around to face the table.

The basket looked like any number of baskets he had seen left on the doorstep before. It was constructed with a noncollapsible hood at one end for partial protection from sunlight for whatever creature lay within. He knew that Fluttershy was familiar with every animal in the world and she feared none of them. So what in Celestia’s name was in that basket that had terrified her so? Even if the animal hadn’t survived, it would have caused Fluttershy to cry and she would at least have given it a proper burial if only to protect its body from any visiting carrion eaters.

While Angel fancied himself to be more courageous than Fluttershy in most cases, he still possessed a rabbit’s instinct to bolt when faced with danger. But was there any actual danger from which he should run? He should have woken up some of the birds sleeping in the many birdhouses above him and asked them what they saw in there but he was feeling brazen today and decided to clearing this hurdle on his own.

He climbed up a stool and hopped onto the table, taking cautious steps toward his objective.

Was there some strange species of snake inside? No, that didn’t seem right. Fluttershy was just as comfortable around reptiles as she was around mammals. If anything, Angel hoped that all it contained was a snake. He had been dodging wild snake strikes since he was a youngster and had never come close to being bitten once. What concerned him was that there might be something in there faster and more lethal than a snake. He concluded that Fluttershy would never have flown off and left a dangerous creature in her home if it was a threat to the cottage’s residents no matter how scary it appeared to be.

The hood of the basket blocked his view of its contents so his advancement went unseen and, thanks to his soft rabbit paws, unheard. Fluttershy had set the basket down fairly close to the edge of the table, leaving Angel next to no wiggle room if he was to walk out in front of it and look inside. Three and a half feet was a considerable drop when one was his size.

Angel angled his ears every which way to detect any sounds that might provide some valuable intel.

Nothing.

Whatever critter was inside the basket wasn’t moving a muscle. Angel didn’t even hear any breathing coming.

Similarly, his sense of smell delivered inconclusive intel. There was the musty scent of the wicker material which comprised the basket, the fragrance of the detergent used to launder the blanket, and a fairly prominent metallic scent – as well as the faint scent of something sweet – but nothing he could identify.

With shaky legs, the rabbit drew closer. His heart was beating rapidly in his chest as he was now almost close enough to touch the basket. On one paw, he knew that silence was his only ally during this stealth mission. On the other paw, for the first time in recent memory, he actually craved the comforting sounds of the midday hullabaloo of multiple critters going about their business throughout the living room.

Angel spotted a long wooden spoon lying on the table and came up with an idea: he would use it to reach in and touch the basket’s interior from the side rather than risk sneaking a peek. Any attack on the spoon by the creature in the basket would be one less attack on him and his decision to flee the premises would be justified.

Taking a short detour, he crawled to the spoon, cradled it in his forelegs, and crawled the rest of the way to the basket on his elbows and knees like a private in royal guard basic training. He stood on his hind legs with his back against the basket wall. Ignoring the drop of sweat that trickled down his forehead, he gave himself a count of three to implement his plan.

One.

Two.

Three.

Angel swung the spoon with a little too much enthusiasm and wound up striking the interior. The strike resulted in a dull thud followed by, of all sounds, a clink. Nothing else happened – and something certainly should have if anything was alive in there.

Angel retracted his spoon and his stomach flip-flopped when he spied a trickle of blood running down the spoon’s handle. Angel screamed at the sight of it and dropped the spoon. It clattered against the surface of the table, spattering the blood that had collected on it. He was about to run away but skidded to a halt.

Something was off.

He turned around and approached the spoon. This liquid neither looked nor smelled like blood. He dipped his paw in one of the red droplets from the table and sniffed the substance. It bore the sweet smell he detected from earlier. He licked his paw and rolled his tongue around in his mouth to taste it, spitting it out after determining what it was.

This was corn syrup mixed with what was most likely red food coloring.

Angel frowned. He was officially fed up with this mystery. If there was a predator inside this infernal basket, it would have to be the most patient one in the world and, after not reacting to the spoon assault, deserved to have him as a meal – almost.

Puffing up his chest, he walked around the basket and scaled the front of it to see what was inside.

Angel’s eyes widened as he finally understood Fluttershy’s reaction regarding the basket’s contents.

It was a rag doll.

It was a baby pony doll spattered with false blood – and surrounding that doll was what looked to be about one hundred bits.

Somepony out there, most likely a member of the GeRMs, had left a ghastly and expensive message at Fluttershy’s doorstep: they knew that she was carrying Filthy Rich’s unborn child – and that they intended to harm it.

Angel took a step back and fell from the basket rim to the table surface below, landing on his bottom. His heart beat faster as he trembled with worry. His owner had faced off against dangerous monsters before and they were easily spotted, avoided and/or defeated. But this was a threat from within. Anypony in town could be the GeRM extremist that sent this basket – meaning danger could be as close as one house away.

Some mice and birds entered the living room, followed by a few squirrels and rabbits. They chirped and chittered for their breakfast and were causing quite a racket. Harry the Bear lumbered in and, smelling the corn syrup inside the basket, helped himself by picking up the basket and licking the interior.

Angel thumped on the table with his right hind foot repeatedly to get every critter’s attention. Once he had it, he began a series of mimes to communicate to his critter brethren that they all needed to keep a watchful eye over their beloved caretaker and to act as a team in order to defend her if the need arose.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was trying her best to pay attention as Filthy Rich’s defense attorney Haul Goodwagon cross examined a pony on the witness stand. To Twilight, every day in this building was as boring as the one before it (the verdict was predetermined, after all) and she knew that she would have to get used to the monotony if she wanted to keep from going mad. She let her mind wander by imagining the architectural layout of the future Princess Twilight Sparkle University. What kind of revolutionary thinkers, scholars, and scientists would PTSU turn out?

Twilight’s daydream was interrupted by the hallway door being smashed open. Everypony in the courtroom looked at the yellow pegasus who had broken the door down and was now lying on the floor. Twilight recognized the pony as Fluttershy.

“RICHIEEE!!!” sobbed Fluttershy as she got to her hooves and ran toward Filthy Rich who appeared to be just as surprised by this as everypony else.

Twilight gasped. In Fluttershy’s current state of panic, she risked exposing herself as somepony who had some kind of relationship with the accused. Before Fluttershy reached Filthy Rich, Twilight teleported both Fluttershy and herself to her private office.

“Fluttershy, what on earth are you doing here?” asked Twilight.

“Where’s Richie??” asked a trembling and hysterical Fluttershy. “I have to see him now!! It’s very important!!”

“Calm down. I can’t teleport him away right after you show up out of nowhere shouting his name. Ponies would talk – assuming that they’re not talking already. Wait here. I’ll teleport back to the courtroom, call for an adjournment, and I’ll have the bailiff escort Filthy to this office while nopony’s watching. That’ll look a lot less suspicious. With any luck, we still might be able to salvage your secret.”

Fluttershy sniffled as she absorbed Twilight’s words and nodded.

“Okay,” whimpered Fluttershy. “But somepony already knows about my marriage and my baby so please hurry. I’m afraid of being alone right now.”

“Nopony’s gonna hurt you here,” reassured Twilight as she placed her right forehoof on Fluttershy’s shoulder. “You have my word on that.”

“Thank you, Twilight.”

Twilight vanished from the office to carry out her plan.

Pinkie Pie sat quietly on the cushy floor of a large padded room in Ponyville Hospital. She was wearing a straitjacket that she had earned when she chose to resist the orderlies assigned with the task of placing her in this room. Underneath the straitjacket was a head-to-hoof white bodysuit similar to the one she had on when she was brought in last night. She hadn’t slept. She drank some water but ate very little food. The night vision goggles over her eyes still held some tears that she shed from the night before.

The door opened and a pair of orderlies entered the room. One stood by the door and kept a watchful eye on Pinkie while the other approached her.

“Don’t try to take off my clothing,” warned Pinkie.

“Don’t worry,” said the closer orderly. “Your friends left us very specific instructions not to touch your bare coat. I’m just here to remove your straitjacket. Are you okay with letting me do that?”

Pinkie nodded. The orderly removed her straitjacket and stepped away from her once he had completed his task. Pinkie stretched her forelegs as she watched the orderlies.

“And why are you letting me out of my straitjacket anyway?”

“Because you have some visitors today, Miss Pie,” said the orderly. “Miss Applejack along with your sisters.”

Pinkie sat on the floor.

“You can send them in,” instructed Pinkie Pie. “I’m ready to receive them.”

The orderlies left the room. Applejack, Marble, and Maud entered. They trod cautiously along the cushioned floor as they made their way to the party pony.

“Hi, Pinkie Pie,” said Applejack.

Pinkie Pie sneered and glared at Applejack.

“Don’t you ‘Hi, Pinkie Pie’ me, Betrayer Betrayerson,” retorted Pinkie.

Applejack scratched the back of her head and took a few steps back. She tipped her hat forward to cover her eyes.

“Hello, Pinkie,” greeted Maud.

“H-Hi, Pinkie,” greeted Marble softly.

“Hey, guys,” greeted an unenthusiastic Pinkie. “Where’s Limestone?”

“She has an important job to do and couldn’t make it,” replied Marble.

“We heard from Applejack that you think you have some strange ability to look into the past or the future,” reported Maud.

Pinkie closed her eyes and turned her nose up.

“I know how it must sound to you so I’m not even going to bother explaining it,” she declared.

“How do you think it sounds to us, Pinkie?” asked Maud. “Crazy?”

“Call it what you will. If those kids don’t die, it’ll be your kids who’ll live just long enough to see Equestria burn. I don’t want that to happen. Do you?”

“G-Goodness, no,” replied Marble as she sat and held her forehooves against her mouth.

“Then break me out of here so I can eliminate them.”

“That isn’t going to happen, Pinkie,” declared Maud.

“Then pick up the gauntlet in my place. Kill Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon for me. For us. For everypony.”

“You poor thing,” said Maud as she approached Pinkie.

“Don’t try to take off my clothing.”

“I won’t.” Maud drew closer to Pinkie and looked her in the eye. “Hmm.”

“What?” asked Pinkie.

“Your eyes. You really believe in this mission of yours.”

“Well, duh!”

“That’s too bad. I wish that that wasn’t the case... because the hospital won’t release you until the doctors are one hundred percent certain that you’re no danger to anypony.”

“I know. Hey, I know what you can do.”

“What’s that?”

“Hoof wrestle me, Maud.”

“Hoof wrestle you? What for?”

“If I can’t get out of here, I can at least appoint somepony on the outside to this task. I challenge you to a hoof wrestle. If you lose, you kill those kids.”

Applejack stepped forward.

“That’s crazy talk!” she barked.

Maud held out a hoof to silence Applejack.

“Just a moment, Applejack,” requested Maud. “Pinkie, let me get this straight: you want me to kill those children for you.”

Pinkie rolled her head.

“Not for me; for the future. I need somepony to do it so it might as well be somepony I can trust to get the job done.”

“Why would you pick a hoof wrestling contest? You’ve never even come close to beating me.”

“I have a reason to win now. Here are my terms: If I win, you have to Pinkie Promise me that you’ll kill Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon.”

“I don’t see what you’re trying to prove but I agree to your terms.”

Applejack and Marble looked at one another.

“And if I beat you,” elaborated Maud, “you have to Pinkie Promise that you’ll listen to your doctors and that you won’t harm those two fillies once you’re released.”

“Agree-.”

“Hold on just a minute, now,” interrupted Applejack. “This don’t sound like a good wager to me, Maud. What if ya lose?”

“There’s no need for concern, Applejack. My sister is a lot of things but she isn’t a devotee of Terra to the degree that I am. An earth pony dedicated to geology receives abilities from Terra. Increased physical strength. Superequine endurance. And, in your case, superior agricultural proficiency. An earth pony dedicated to party planning, I’m sorry to say, does not have that same connection to Terra. A contest of strength is one which I simply cannot lose to my sister. Besides, until something else comes along that can get her to give up this morbid obsession, this is the best shot we have at getting my sister back home sooner rather than later.”

“Ah don’t know,” cautioned Applejack. “Havin’ almost lost mah family’s farm to the Flim Flam brothers has given me cause fer panic when it comes ta wagers.”

“I Pinkie promise to stick to my word,” said Maud. “If you can beat me fair and square, I’ll take it as a sign from Terra that your cause is just and do anything it takes to end those two fillies, come Tartaros or high water.”

“Um, you guys,” squeaked Marble. “We don’t have a table for you to hoof wrestle on.”

“Sure we do,” said Pinkie. “We have a table of polished Marble.” Pinkie Pie pressed down on Marble’s back until she sank to her belly. Both competitors placed their right elbow on Marble’s back and joined hooves. The goggles obscured Pinkie’s eyes earlier but now that she was closer to her sister, Maud could see the determined eyes behind the yellow plastic lenses. -

“On three,” said Applejack. “One... Two...”

“Rocks are boring and so are you, Maud,” declared Pinkie.

Though it was imperceptible to almost everypony else but Pinkie Pie, Maud flinched at her beloved sister’s insult – and that flinch was exactly what Pinkie had hoped Maud would offer her. In the fraction of a second that it took for Maud’s brain to formulate a response to her sister’s harsh words, Pinkie Pie used the distraction to deliver a heinous headbutt straight into Maud’s nose.

As if in slow motion, Maud’s eyes closed as she staggered backward from the blow, crimson ribbons of blood gushing up from her nostrils. Pinkie then grabbed Marble’s tail and, with a ferocious growl, swung her timid sibling into Maud’s abdomen. The attack knocked the wind out of both Maud and Marble. Neither got up.

Applejack was so shocked by Pinkie’s assault on her own sisters that she froze. That hesitation cost her as the lightning quick party pony tagged the farmpony with a right cross to the jaw that knocked Applejack out cold.

Pinkie sprinted for the door. If she was fast enough, she could find an exit and once again be free to hunt the fillies destined to ravage the land she loved.

However, the only thing Pinkie found when she ran out the door was that Limestone was very good at ramming her head into things.

Igneous Rock’s grumpiest daughter had been waiting just outside the door the whole time, poised to counter just such an escape. She plowed into Pinkie Pie’s chest with the force of a runaway apple cart. Pinkie never saw the attack coming and when she hit the floor, she did not rise. She groaned and rolled from side to side, holding her chest and looking at the stars circling around her head. Some birds joined the stars in their circling but the stars took exception to the uninvited avians and the two sides argued over whose gig this was.

“BOOYAHHH!!!” shouted Limestone triumphantly and she stood on two legs and postured to celebrate her attack. “Dee-fense!”

Limestone went to Marble, loaned her a hoof in getting back on all four hooves, and then did the same for Maud.

“See? What did I tell you guys? You always underestimated the Pinkster. But not me. I know how resilient the little pinball can be when she’s got her mind set on something. I’m just lucky that her blasted Pinkie sense didn’t tip her off that I was out there. Is your nose broken, Maud?”

“I thigk so,” honked Maud as she placed her left foreleg underneath her nose to prevent blood from pouring all over the white cushioned floor. “Ad least id happed id a hospidal.”

“I’m okay, too,” offered Marble as she went to check on Applejack. “That was excessive force you used to subdue Pinkie, Limestone.”

“I agree,” honked Maud. “If dis floor wasd’t so soft, you bight hab gibed her a codcussiod.”

Limestone grinned snarkily as she swiped her right forehoof across her nose.

“Aw, thanks, sis,” said Limestone with mock humility, “but I think you’re giving me way too much credit. She’s got a noggin harder than Holder’s Boulder.” She walked over to where Pinkie Pie lay. “How’re ya doin’ there, Pinkamena Diane? I didn’t bang you up too badly, did I?”

“Gwohhhh...” uttered Pinkie.

“Well, gwohhhh or not, that’s what you get for hitting your own sisters.”

“I forgive you for breakig by dose, Pigkie,” honked Maud as she looked down at the fallen party pony. “Add Barble forgives you, too.”

“I do?” queried Marble as she rubbed her sore ribs.

“We just wadt you to ged bedder add we all thigk dis is the best place for you to get help.” Maud looked upward at Limestone. “I deed to get fixed up. I’ll sedd hospidal persoddel for Applejagk and Pigkie.”

Limestone nodded and Maud left the room.

“And you remember that Limestone Express I just unleashed on your sorry rump, Pinkamena Diane,” directed Limestone. “Because even though I love you, I’ll give you another if you try to break out of here again to kill some fillies. You’re a Pie. And Mom and Dad would be devastated if you became the black – or pink – sheep in the family via murder. You might not care about that but I do.”

“Doesn’t matter,” gurgled Pinkie, wincing as she felt brave enough to remove her forehooves from her chest to lay them by her sides. “Nothing matters if I can’t get out of here to kill them. Nopony believes me... I have nopony to turn to... so I give up.” Tears welled up in her eyes and ran across her face as she stared at the ceiling. “Equestria’s as good as doomed. Maybe I’ll live to see it – and maybe I won’t.” She placed her forehooves on her head and closed her eyes. “I feel dizzy. Can somepony please call me a nurse?”

“You’re a nurse,” whispered Marble, crying along with her troubled sister.

Pinkie Pie giggled until it hurt – and then groaned some more.

Silver Spoon ran to get to the front door of her home in order to allow her guest admittance. The servants were instructed to always allow Silver Spoon to personally open the door when Diamond Tiara was visiting the estate. Silver slowly pulled the door open and saw her best friend standing at her doorstep, looking fabulous as always with a fancy pair of white saddlebags strapped to either side of her harness.

“Hey,” said Diamond.

“Hi,” said Silver Spoon, beaming with joy.

“Do you want a hug?”

Silver Spoon nodded.

“Always,” she said.

They held one another tenderly and Silver Spoon knew bliss once again.

“Thank you so much for this morning, Di. You’re a lifesaver.”

Diamond Tiara shrugged.

“Meh; only when there’s a life worth saving. Otherwise, my track record isn’t so hot.” She released the hug and took a step back. “How are you doing?”

“Good.”

“You sure?”

Silver Spoon grinned and bit her lower lip while rolling her eyes upward.

“Welllllllllll... I think so... but...”

“But what?”

Silver blushed.

“I mean... I’m oooo-kay but I’d be a lot better than okay if you... ummm... y’know...” Silver Spoon lowered her head and gently tapped her right forehoof against her forehead.

Diamond Tiara smirked and planted a soft kiss on Silver Spoon’s forehead. Silver Spoon closed her eyes and flashed a smile.

“Why do I feel like I’ve opened a door that I can’t close?” asked Diamond Tiara slyly.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about, Miss Tiara,” fibbed Silver Spoon as a wide grin broke her poker face. “Come on in and meet your new teacher.”

The girls walked to the living room table and The Doctor rose from his seat to meet his new student.

“Hello, Miss Tiara,” said The Doctor. “I am The Doctor.” He placed his right forehoof atop Silver Spoon’s forelock and rubbed it affectionately, making her smile. “Silver here has kept me informed about the various misfortunes which have befallen you as of late and I sincerely wish you the best of luck on the road ahead of you.”

Diamond Tiara grinned.

“Thanks, Doctor,” she chirped. “You’re a pretty slick communicator, huh? How would you like a long term position in PR and campaign management?”

“Hey!” protested Silver Spoon. “That’s my future job!”

“I was only teasing,” explained Diamond Tiara with a grin. She stuck her tongue out at Silver Spoon.

“Wheelbarrow.”

“Did you bring your paperwork, Miss Tiara?” asked The Doctor.

“I sure did,” replied Diamond Tiara. She reached into her saddlebag and produced a manila envelope containing the documents to finalize her homeschooling status.

“Well, everything seems to be in order. I’ll submit these to the Ponyville school board this afternoon and you can begin lessons alongside Silver Spoon as early as next Monday. I look forward to teaching you everything that I can.”

“And I look forward to learning everything you can teach me.”

“It looks as though I can skip the lessons on how to be charming. You’re already quite proficient at that skill.”

“Flattery from a stallion with a Trottingham accent,” sighed Diamond Tiara happily. “Be still, my heart.”

Silver Spoon puffed her cheeks out.

“He’s never called me charming,” muttered Silver Spoon under her breath.

“I don’t have anywhere to be right now,” noted Diamond Tiara. “Would you mind if I hang around and watch you do your teaching thing with Shpewnykins here for a while?”

“Not at all,” replied The Doctor.

Diamond Tiara walked over to the couch and lay on it, rolling her harness on its side so she could get comfortable without soiling the upholstery with dirty wheels. As the lesson began, something caught her eye: a copy of this morning’s Ponyville Express on the coffee table. The cover featured four stallions whose faces she didn’t recognize and one filly whose face she immediately recognized: Zippoorwhill’s.

Silver Spoon ignored the rustling of newspaper pages behind her as she attempted to pay attention to The Doctor’s lesson. The wail of sorrow that Diamond Tiara emitted was something that neither she nor The Doctor could ignore.

Both Silver Spoon and The Doctor left their seats and ran to Diamond Tiara.

“Di, what’s wrong?” asked Silver Spoon, stepping over the newspaper that Diamond had dropped.

“Are you all right, Miss Tiara?”

“She’s dea-hea-heaaad!” bawled Diamond Tiara, her face buried in the couch.

“Who’s dead?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Zippoorwhill! The paper said somepony murdered her!”

Silver Spoon’s ears lowered.

“Oh, Diamond,” said Silver as sympathetically as she could. “I’m so sorry.” She reached out to give her friend a consoling touch.

“NO!” squealed Diamond as she backed away from Silver Spoon while holding out her right foreleg to discourage any further attempt to come near her. Diamond Tiara’s pupils shrank to the size of marbles.

“Di, I... I was just gonna hold you,” explained Silver Spoon, frightened by the way Diamond Tiara was looking at her.

“No... No... You can’t!” Diamond sniffled. “Silver, I-I can’t take classes here with you.”

“What? Why not?”

“Zippoorwhill was killed because her murderer mistook her for me! I don’t want anything like that to happen to you! I... I have to leave Ponyville before you’re the next victim!”

Diamond Tiara hopped off the couch and ran for the door.

“Di, wait!” shouted Silver Spoon.

“Please don’t follow me!”

Silver Spoon hooked her forelegs around the rear axle of Diamond Tiara’s harness and planted her rump on the carpet. Diamond grunted as she attempted to press forward but was stopped inches away from the front door.

“LET ME GOOOOO!!” screamed Diamond Tiara. She wriggled and bit down on the harness straps, presumably to unbuckle them and run with all four of her legs once she had been freed.

“STOP THAT!!” cried Silver Spoon as she deduced what Diamond Tiara was doing. “You aren’t supposed to run with your hind legs yet! You could hurt yourself!”

“I DON’T CARE!!” shouted Diamond Tiara through clenched teeth as she continued to pull her harness straps. “Better me than you!”

Silver Spoon tipped Diamond Tiara’s harness over until Diamond lost her balance and fell on her left side. Silver quickly pounced on top of Diamond and pinned her to the carpet, holding the pink filly’s forelegs down with her forehooves.

“Not that I don’t appreciate the noble sentiment, Di,” huffed Silver Spoon, “but no matter what happens, I belong by your side! How could you not know that, you big dork? You can’t save our friendship by running away from it. We’ll get through this; just please don’t abandon me!”

Abandon.

The word was one that Diamond Tiara associated exclusively with her female parent.

In no way, shape, or form would Diamond Tiara ever employ abandonment herself; not as long as she still possessed a shred of integrity.

Diamond Tiara stopped struggling and caught her breath.

“You’re right. I made you a promise and I almost broke it. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right. You panicked. I forgive you.”

Diamond Tiara’s eyes watered and tears ran down her cheeks as she resumed her mourning.

“Oh, Zip!” she sobbed. “Why’d it have to be you?”

Silver Spoon lay her cheek against Diamond’s cheek and stroked her mane.

“Is everything all right, Silver Spoon?” asked a female servant of the household.

“Yes, Agnes,” replied Silver Spoon. She was a little embarrassed that her servants had been subjected to this dramatic display and that she had been found lying over her best friend’s body on the floor. “I’ll summon you if I need anything.” Agnes nodded and returned to her duties.

The Doctor delicately approached the distraught fillies.

“Pardon me, ladies,” he said in a hushed voice, “but in light of recent events, I think it best that we skip your lessons for today, Silver.”

“I think so, too. Thank you, Doctor.”

With the path to the front door blocked by the fillies, The Doctor let himself out through the back door.

Although Diamond Tiara was still saddened by the loss of her new friend, enough of her strength returned to her to where she could stand and retire to the couch to continue her grieving. Silver Spoon helped her to scale the couch.

“Would you like a drink of water?” asked Silver Spoon.

“I guess so,” replied Diamond weakly.

Silver Spoon walked past the newspaper and did a double take as she recognized the stallions whose photos graced the cover of the newspaper.

“Oh, my gosh,” whispered Silver as she snatched up the newspaper and flipped to the article. “It’s them!” Once she finished reading the pertinent information in the article, her head slowly tilted backward as she looked up at the ceiling. Her molesters had been burned to death. Did Elysium welcome them or had they been burned so as to be given a taste of what awaited them in Tartarus?

“Them who?” asked Diamond Tiara.

“The stallions who-”

Silver Spoon hesitated.

“The stallions who what?” prodded Diamond Tiara. “The ones who were burned to to death?” Silver did not answer and the change in Diamond Tiara’s inflection indicated that she had become concerned by Silver’s hesitation to divulge how she came to know those stallions. “Silver? Who were those stallions to you?”

Silver’s mouth opened and closed a few times before she settled on the right words.

“Do you remember when Miss Cheerilee attacked you?” she asked.

Rolling her head and her eyes simultaneously, Diamond Tiara glared at Silver Spoon.

“No, I don’t,” replied Diamond Tiara sarcastically. “When did that happen?”

Silver Spoon smirked.

“I guess that was a pretty stupid question,” she admitted. “I brought Mayor Mare back with me to rescue you... but before I found her, I ran into these stallions... and they took turns... touching me inappropriately.”

Silver Spoon watched as Diamond Tiara’s jaw drop in astonishment.

“AND YOU DIDN’T THINK TO TELL ME ABOUT THIS??” screamed Diamond Tiara.

“I didn’t know how to bring it up,” said Silver Spoon in her defense as she twiddled her forehooves. “I kinda didn’t want you to know that it happened at all. My parents don’t even know about it. I just wanted to forget the whole thing happened.”

Diamond Tiara scowled.

“THOSE MOTHERRUTTERS!!” she screamed. “If they weren’t already dead, I’d rutting kill them myself!!”

“There!” yelped Silver Spoon. “You see? That anger of yours is one of the reasons why I didn’t tell you about it!”

“Why shouldn’t I be angry when somepony assaults my friend? Aren’t you angry?”

“I was – but not anymore. I forgave them... and I feel better for it.”

Diamond Tiara’s eyes widened in response to Silver’s declaration.

“You forgave them?”

Silver Spoon nodded once.

“You’re not the only filly trying to change,” said Silver Spoon. “I forgave them because I was sick with fear, shame, and hatred and I knew I didn’t want to keep those emotions inside of me. I couldn’t change what they did to me but I could change how I dealt with it. Forgiving them was the healthiest choice. I let go of my hatred and I have no regrets.”

Diamond Tiara appeaered to allow her friend’s philosophy to sink in.

“Maybe you can forgive me, too,” muttered Diamond softly.

“For what?”

“If I hadn’t provoked Miss Cheerilee into attacking me, she wouldn’t have hit you and you never would have had the need to run outside to get help. You bumped into those stallions because of me. This is exactly what I was talking about a second ago. Cause and effect. What they did to you is my fault.”

“Oh, stop it, Di. Don’t even try to blame yourself for what happened to me. They made their choice. You didn’t make it for them. Don’t take this out on yourself.”

Diamond Tiara licked her teeth audibly.

“What is it?” inquired Silver Spoon.

“There’s something I need to do,” she replied. Offering no further details, Diamond rolled off the couch and walked toward the front door.

“You won’t leave town, I assume?”

“I promise I will not leave town.” Diamond opened the front door. “As a matter of fact, I’ll be back here at your place before sunset. What are you having for dinner?”

“Cream of mushroom soup.”

“Sounds delicious. Save me a seat... and don’t start eating without me.”

Diamond Tiara shut the door behind her. Silver Spoon ran to the window closest to her and watched Diamond board her stagecoach and depart for parts unknown.

Silver Spoon rang for a servant. Agnes returned to the living room.

“Agnes, please tell the rest of the servants not to judge Diamond Tiara for what they overheard here today. She’s just going through a rough patch and it’s a very emotional time for her. If I hear of anypony denying her access to the estate for any reason or treating her like anything other than an honored guest, I’ll personally see to it that they’re terminated immediately. Are we absolutely clear on this?”

“Yes, Silver Spoon. Will there be anything else?”

“Yes. Set a place for Diamond Tiara at the table when dinner is served. She’ll be dining with us tonight. Also, I’ll be stepping out in a little while. I expect I’ll be back before lunch.”

The gates to Diamond Tiara’s mansion clinked shut behind Silver Spoon while she trotted up to the doorway. The door opened and head butler Randolph was there to greet her.

“Good afternoon, Miss Spoon,” greeted Randolph.

“Good afternoon, Randolph,” greeted Silver Spoon. “How are you?”

“I’m well, Miss Spoon. And how are you?”

“I’m good, thanks.”

“Excellent. I’m terribly sorry but the mistress is presently not on the grounds.”

“That’s fine; better than fine, really. I came here for two reasons and neither of them were to see Diamond. The first is that I want to apologize to you.”

“I don’t recall you ever being rude to me in a way that required an apology.”

“Right; just like I don’t recall ever doing anything to you that would be considered polite. For all the times I’ve been over the mansion, I don’t think I’ve ever said hello to you or asked you how your day was or even treated you like an equine being. I’ve been raised to keep my family’s servants at foreleg’s length so I’m just as distant with Di’s servants – including you. As part of my new life philosophy, I’m trying to treat everypony with respect and kindness so I hope you’ll forgive me if I’ve ever been anything less than polite to you in the past.”

“Why, thank you very much, Miss Spoon. I appreciate that and I accept your apology. You mentioned there was a second thing?”

“Yes. Could you please tell me what Diamond Tiara’s mother’s name is?”

Randolph grunted.

“Certainly, Miss Spoon. Her name was Fleur Dis Lee... and might I say that a madder mare has never walked through these halls.”

“Fleur Dis Lee; I think I’ve heard that name somewhere before. I think my dad might have talked about her once.”

“I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if your father was acquainted with her. She is a supermodel – or at least she was one before becoming the bit of fluff hanging off of the coattails of Fancy Pants. May I ask why you’re inquiring about her?”

Silver Spoon pensively tapped her chin with her left forehoof and looked up at Rnadolph with a smile.

“Just curious, I suppose. Thanks for the information, Randolph. I have to go now. Goodbye.”

“You’re welcome, Miss Spoon... and a good day to you.” Randolph went inside and shut the door. The lock to the front gate clinked and the gate itself slowly swung open.

Silver Spoon pronked down the path to the gate with a mild grin. She didn’t want to celebrate just yet – it was too early for that – but she had acquired one more piece of the puzzle than she had a minute ago and that made her happy. The day that all of the pieces would be put together and she achieved her ultimate goal; that day would be the time to party.

Two burly orderlies were quietly enjoying their meal in the Ponyville Hospital employee break room. The door opened and a pony the size and stature of a filly hobbled inside. Her hair was tied up in an unflattering bun and she wore thick glasses that made her eyes difficult to see.

“Kid, you can’t come in here,” said one of the orderlies.

“I’m not a kid, buster,” replied the pony in a high pitched voice. “I’m a dwarf pony – but everypony makes that mistake so don’t sweat it. Well, what a stroke of luck. You’re both in the same place. Saves me wear and tear on my bad knees running through half the hospital looking for you. Would you mind explaining what you two are doing?”

“It’s called ‘eating’,” replied one of the orderlies. The other orderly chuckled.

“Well, I can see why you’re an orderly and not currently filling seats at standup comedy clubs around Equestria. New question: why are you eating before the patient has been relocated to room 314?”

“Who are you? And what patient?”

“I’m Dotting Eyes, the director’s new administrative assistant,” she replied as she shoved her badge in their faces. “And Miss Screwloose is the ‘what patient’. The requisition to relocate her came in less than half an hour ago.” Dotting Eyes presented the orderlies with a clipboard that had a document on it. One orderly took the clipboard and skimmed through the paperwork.

“Well, no wonder we didn’t hear about it,” he said while still chewing. “We started our lunch break when this came in.”

“And you think that’s a valid excuse? Finish your Celestia-damned food later! Princess Twilight is on her way here right now to see Screwloose!”

“Princess Twilight?”

The other orderly cleared his mouth before speaking.

“Get somepony else to relocate her. We’re eating.”

“Do you think I would have been sent to find you two if somepony else was available?” asked Dotting rhetorically. “Everypony else licensed to handle patients is already busy with their own tasks preparing for Princess Twilight’s arrival. But you know what? Have it your way. I’ve done my job. All I know is that I wouldn’t want to be in your horseshoes when the director – our boss – asks you two why you decided to keep stuffing your faces when you were informed by yours truly that a princess was coming to visit somepony in this hospital and she was kept waiting. And if the consequences of this decision don’t concern you... well, I hear The Hayburger is hiring.”

The orderlies abandoned their meals and ran to complete their task.

“You’ve got eleven minutes!” shouted Dotting Eyes.

The pony known as Screwloose ran her left forehoof against the wall of her padded cell and she sighed for want of something to do. It was determined by her doctors that she was no danger to herself and was spared the degradation of a straitjacket.

Her ears perked up from the sounds of the door opening. A pair of orderlies entered with a guerney in tow.

“H-Hello,” said Screwloose. “How are you?”

The orderlies picked her up and strapped her into the gurney with little care for her comfort.

“Easy, EASY!” she cried. “I’m not resisting. Where are we going?”

“To see the princess,” replied the orderly.

“‘The princess’? A princess wants to see me? Which one?”

The orderlies didn’t answer. They rushed her over to room 314 where she was removed from the guerney and strapped into the bed with frightening speed. The gag strap was brought from the left side of the bed, placed inside her mouth, and locked into place on the right side. The strap was put in place so quickly that she didn’t have time to protest its usage. When she was fully secured, the orderlies rushed out without so much as a goodbye.

Moments later, Dotting Eyes hobbled into the room and locked the door behind her. She was carrying a saddlebag and some sort of metal device that looked like a folded walker.

“Don’t get up on my account,” said Dotting Eyes. She set her saddlebag down and lay her walker on it. She removed the pin from her hair and her long locks spilled down about her shoulders. “You know, this institution has got to be hiring from the shallow end of the gene pool. The orderlies who strapped you in are as dumb as posts. When I’m older, I’ll build the finest mental institution around – with staff that has something between their ears other than hoofball stats, SubPlot magazine, and the thought of their next mug of cider.”

Dotting Eyes removed her glasses. She took her walker and unfolded it. She lowered its wheels and stepped into it backwards. She secured herself to the harness by tugging on the straps.

“I don’t think I need an introduction but just in case you need one more clue as to my true identity...”

She reached into her saddlebag and removed a diamond tiara.

Its owner placed it on her own head.

Screwloose did recognize the girl. It was the one she had intended to kill while in her enraged dog persona.

“I’ve read your case file,” stated Diamond Tiara. “It’s actually kinda interesting. Your father was a professional show dog breeder. Your mother, a carpenter, died in childbirth delivering you. Take it from me: moms aren’t all they’re cracked up to be. Your dad blamed her death on you and never forgave you for it. He threw himself into his work and ignored you almost completely. So in order to get his attention, you decided to become the very thing around which his line of work revolves: a dog. But you didn’t just pretend to be a dog. You went full canine.” Diamond Tiara shook her head. “You never go full canine! When you were so far gone that your father didn’t know what to do with you, he sent you to the psyche ward. And there you stayed until medication and extensive psychotherapy undid the damage you did to yourself. But by that time, he was so ashamed of you that he disowned you and left the country to start a new life without the burden of having a daughter with a mental illness.”

Screwloose swallowed.

“You’re probably wondering why I came to see you,” surmised Diamond Tiara. “Well, I’d tell you but you seem a bit distracted so since I hate to repeat myself, I want to make sure that I have your undivided attention.”

She leaned on the side of the bed and spoke into Screwloose’s right ear.

“You’re an adult. You may have had a lot of conversations in your life. And you might have even had a few important conversations here and there. We can sometimes zone out and miss one or two little details – don’t forget to pick up a half gallon of milk on your way home, your Aunt Selma’s birthday is next week, so on and so forth.”

She planted her elbows on the bed and grinned at Screwloose with bedroom eyes.

“But I contend... that the conversation that you and I are about to have is going to be the most important one that you’ve ever had... and that you cannot afford to miss a single detail... because doing so could cost you your life.” Diamond Tiara rummaged through her saddlebag and removed a tiny plastic case. She opened it and extracted a syringe. “At first glance, this syringe appears to contain nothing... but any scientist would tell you that it does contain something: air. We need the oxygen present in the air in order to live but there are certain places where air is unwelcome – like the bloodstream.”

Diamond Tiara slid her tongue out from the corner of her mouth as she inserted the syringe into the mare’s foreleg. Screwloose screamed and tried to pull her foreleg free but it wasn’t going anywhere. When it was in as deep as it would go, Diamond Tiara left it alone.

“All I have to do is press down on the syringe’s plunger and I get to watch you die. Your life is quite literally in my hooves. Do I have your attention now? Blink twice if you do.”

Screwloose blinked twice.

“Good dog. Now then: The filly you murdered because you thought she was me? Her name was Zippoorwhill. She was the first runner-up in a Little Miss Equestria contest. And she was, for a brief time, a friend of mine. I’m here to show you how much her friendship – as brief as it was – meant to me.”

Diamond Tiara’s lower lip quivered and she broke down crying briefly.

“You should have actually read the rutting papers instead of just looking at the photos. You would have known that Zippoorwhill was innocent! She was a cancer survivor, you rutting plothole! She fought against one of the most notorious diseases known to ponykind and she won! She had so much to look forward to and you mauled her to death! If you hated me enough to kill me, why the Tartaros didn’t you hate me enough to know what I looked like? Now I have to live with the knowledge that my actions led to my friend’s death. I had the chance to tell her about all the craziness going on in Ponyville... what I did to Twist... what my father did to Miss Cheerilee... and Zip would have had every right to distance herself from me. But I chose not to tell her because I was selfish. I was all alone in Canterlot. I didn’t want her to judge me. I just wanted somepony on my side – and the universe decided to punish her for my error instead of me.”

Diamond Tiara hung her head and closed her eyes while recovering from her rant.

“Well, that’s enough chit chat. I didn’t come here to talk your ear off. All that’s left is for me to do what I came here to do.”

Diamond Tiara reached for the syringe in Screwloose’s foreleg – and removed it.

“Zippoorwhill would have wanted me to spare you.”

Screwloose closed her eyes and exhaled.

“You couldn’t help being sick anymore than Zip could have helped coming down with throat cancer. She was given a chance to get better... and I sincerely believe that she would have wanted me to spare you so that you could have the same chance she was given: the chance to get better. She was just that good of a pony.”

Screwloose blinked.

Diamond Tiara scrambled on top of Screwloose’s bed and pressed the gag strap deeper into the mare’s mouth. She scowled as she looked deep into the mare’s fright-filled eyes.

“You alllllmost had me, lady,” growled Diamond Tiara. “I was soooo close to saying ‘rut everything’ and killing you. If you knew how close you came to dying today, you’d piss yourself. But I heard Zip’s voice in my head and she told me not to throw away my eternal soul by avenging her death. So you owe her one. Don’t skip your medication again. For your benefit, I’m going to say that again slowly. Don’t. Skip. Your. Medication. Again. You’ve proven that you’re not strong enough to keep the dog in you at bay without them. If and when you’re released from this facility, you should know that there’ll be ponies in my employ keeping an eye on you around the clock; the kind of ponies who do dirty deeds if the money’s right. Don’t fool yourself into thinking that you can hide from them. No matter how far you decide to travel, they will be watching you. They’ll have an expense account at their disposal – funded by yours truly – so they can match you train for train or even airship for airship if you decide to flee Equestria. The bottom line is that if you mess up, they’ll know about it, I’ll know about it and, sister, you’ll know when I know about it. If you so much as pee on a fire hydrant in Romaneia, what they’ll do to you shouldn’t happen to a timberwolf... and you’ll wish that I euthanized you on this day like the unwanted bitch you are. Do you understand absolutely everything I’ve just said? Blink twice if you do.”

Screwloose blinked twice.

“Excellent. This room is scheduled for maintenance in about another hour. Some janitor or somepony will come in here and find you. Naturally, I’ll be long gone by then. You’ll be sent back to your room and all will be well. Don’t bother telling your doctors that I arranged this little soiree. I’ll be taking any proof of my visit with me and, looney as you are, it’s unlikely that they’d believe you. Your syringe puncture might leave them scratching their heads but once they’ve determined that you’re unharmed, they’ll have no real reason to look into the mystery of how you ended up here. Clerical errors happen all the time. Take care of yourself – or my friends’ll take care of you.”

Diamond Tiara slid off the bed and left the room, closing the door behind her.

Screwloose sighed.

The door opened up again.

A filly other than Diamond Tiara entered the room. She was sporting a beanie and was humming a silly tune.

“Ahhh, that Diamond Tiara,” exclaimed the filly. “What a performer. With guts like she has, she’s gonna go far in life. She was lying, you know. There’s no sinister group of ponies in her employ that will be watching you. Such ponies do exist but neither she nor her father have come into contact with them. She was hoping to scare you into staying on your medication... and I think it worked. As for myself, I don’t believe in issuing threats. Threats only breed recidivism. When it comes to criminals, I believe in more permanent solutions.”

The blades of the filly’s beanie propellor folded upward and dragged across one annother, creating a snapping sound. A flash of light enveloped the door and when it disappeared, the door to the room was no longer there. It was as though it had never been built into the wall.

“Hello, Screwloose,” continued the filly with a wide smile. “We’ve never met. I’m Sca-rooooooo-ball.” The filly picked up a clipboard from Screwloose’s bed. “Hmmm. Verrrrry interesting. According to this chart, you’re nuttier than a fruitcake!” She turned the clipboard around and displayed a crudely drawn illustration of Screwloose’s face in a pile of mixed nuts. “What a coincidence! So am I! Sorry about your mom. I had a mom once, too... but I never knew her. I sure would have liked to have met her just once. I know who my daddy is but... our meeting didn’t go so well. I’ll always love him, though. Seems to me like you and I would have a grand old time comparing notes and offering each other tips on the best way to be bonkers.”

Her smile went away.

“But that isn’t going to happen. Do you want to know why? It’s because you’ve committed the one crime that I cannot allow to go unpunished: you mutilated an innocent foal. I’ve had the appearance of a filly for a very long time so I can identify with how much it must suck for somepony big and strong to take advantage of somepony small and defenseless. Foalhood’s hard enough without some adult coming along trying to do them harm.”

Screwball wore her wide toothy smile again.

“SO! I hear you enjoy being a dog. Let’s see what tricks you know so that I can teach you some new ones. Oh, and here’s a spoiler: the last trick I’ll teach you?”

Screwball raised her forelegs and several frighteningly sharp medical instruments extended from her hooves.

“It’s ‘play dead’!”

Sweetie Belle was the last of The Cutie Mark Crusaders to show up at the clubhouse.

“Sorry I’m late, guys,” she offered. “Rarity and I had a long talk about – well, everything, really. Twist, Miss Cheerilee, my dark magic... and for some reason, rayon.”

“Me an’ Applejack had the same kinda talk,” said Apple Bloom. “But without the rayon.”

“Ditto with Rainbow Dash,” said Scootaloo. “So are you guys in trouble?”

“Kinda,” replied Sweetie Belle. “Rarity’s decided not to tell our parents about it but our vacation to Manehattan’s been axed... and Twilight taught her a spell that will check me for any dark magic I have to visit her every night for the next month to see if that dark magic’s returned.”

“You got off easy,” said Apple Bloom. “Startin’ tomorrow, ah’ve got triple chores fer six months – an’ cleaning out the pig pen’s included.” She hung her head and sighed. “...but... ah gotta say... ah did learn a lesson. Ah mean, dang, y’all; we really did come this close ta killin’ Diamond Tiara. An’ Sweetie Belle? Ah’m really sorry fer pushing ya over the edge the way ah did. Ah guess ah just plumb lost mah mind.”

“That’s okay,” said Sweetie Belle. “I was just as nutty as you were. And yeah, we could have killed her. Wow, we really dodged a terrible fate: waking up every morning for the rest of our lives knowing that we had the stain of murder on our souls and that we’re just killing time before going to Tartarus for eternity.”

“Did Rainbow Dash punish you, Scoots?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Did she ever!” exclaimed Scootaloo. “I won’t get to hang out with her for a whole week.”

“That’s it?”

“What do you mean ‘that’s it’?? That’s pure torture!”

“Torture? Have you ever tried cleanin’ a pig pen before?”

A collection of sleigh bells attached to a strap hung up by the wall rang out. The Crusaders looked at one another.

“The tripwire!” they said.

“Our super secret Crusader early detection alarm is workin’,” noted Apple Bloom.

“You mean the super secret earth pony and unicorn detection alarm,” noted Scootaloo. “Pegasi can fly right over it.”

“Ah never said it was perfect,” countered Apple Bloom.

There was a knock on the door.

“C’mon in,” said Apple Bloom.

The door opened.

Diamond Tiara let herself in. She closed the door behind her and walked toward the center of the room.

“Hi,” said Diamond Tiara.

The Crusaders said nothing. Diamond Tiara entered. Her head turned from side to side as she strode into the center of the room.

“Place looks the same as when I was last here. There’s a lot that I have to say and you can listen to me or not... but I’d rather you listened.”

The Crusaders said nothing.

“Since you haven’t kicked me out yet, I assume that you’re at least willing to listen to me... but since you aren’t saying anything, I also assume that you’re not willing to talk to me. That’s okay. I understand. And I appreciate whatever time you can spare.”

Diamond Tiara took a seat in the center of the clubhouse.

“First, I’d like to apologize for all of the teasing, insulting, and bullying that Silver Spoon and I have dished out to you three for so long. A little of it was initiated by her but most of it was from me. You may have thought that I picked on you because I hated you. Well, the truth is that I hate myself a heck of a lot more than I could hate you guys. I am – and have been for a while now – extremely jealous of you. I’m jealous of your relationships with your families, of your association with Princess Twilight, of your visits from Princess Luna in the dreamworld; sheesh, the list goes on. My life was boring and commonplace compared to yours... and even though it clearly wasn’t your fault, I resented you for it anyway. Apple Bloom always seemed so disgustingly happy and then once you two came along, it was my pleasure to bring you down to my level of misery.”

Sweetie Belle cleared her throat. Diamond Tiara paused, believing that Sweetie Belle was about to speak. She did not – and so Diamond Tiara continued to speak.

“I was born into wealth and that meant growing up believing that always getting whatever I wanted was a given. And I wanted the happiness that you seemed to have. Since the things you had didn’t come with a price tag, I couldn’t get them. So I took every opportunity to make you miserable instead... but even though I ragged on you, I knew that there was something special about you. Now, I’m not a complete idiot. I know that you couldn’t care less about my feelings. And you have every right to disregard them the way I’ve disregarded yours time and again. But I’m gonna share my feelings with you anyway in the hope that you might come to understand me a little better.”

Diamond Tiara inhaled deeply and then exhaled.

“The Cutie Mark Crusaders. I always thought that that name had a great ring to it. Even though I already had my cutie mark, I even wanted to join you. But I felt that if I had asked, you’d turn me down and I don’t handle rejection very well. With the exception of my friendship with Silver Spoon, I’ve never been a part of anything meaningful. Nopony’s ever said ‘We can’t possibly go ahead with this plan; not without Diamond Tiara!’ Nopony apart from Silver Spoon has ever welcomed me into a group with open forelegs. I’ve got everything I could want except for somepony who needed me. And my dad, well, I love him but I can’t reasonably expect him to be my playmate around the clock. He’s got things he needs to do that are super important. He has stockholders... employees... and ponies who count on him being able to operate his business. For the most part, I grew up with Silver Spoon. She was my partner in crime – figuratively and literally. Which bring me to my second apology.”

Diamond Tiara took, held, and released a deep breath.

“I’m truly sorry for what I did to Twist. At the risk of repeating myself, it was an accident. Silver Spoon can vouch for that but I doubt that you’d hold her opinion in much higher regard than you would mine. I never meant to get Twist killed. Yes, I dumped garbage on her. Yes, I teased her. And yes, I taunted her. In the past, I would have done the same to any one of you guys. Shoot, I would have done it to all four of you at the same time if I could. Twist should have just gone home and washed up after I hit her with that garbage bag... but I guess I bullied the same target once too often. I was so sure that she was gonna wimp out like she always did that I never saw her attack coming. I got knocked silly, Silver Spoon sent her rolling down the hill, and when we told her to go home, she crossed the tracks and got hit by the train. What you might not know was why I did it. It’s not all that different a reason for why I picked on you guys. It’s not just about you being blank flanks. I’ve already gone over the question in my head a million times and I’ve avoided the answer because I didn’t want to own up to it. The answer is pretty simple. I did it because I was a piece of manure.”

Sweetie Belle sputtered with laughter but quickly silenced it.

“I’m sure you’ve suspected that I was a piece of manure for some time. Well, allow me to be the first one to tell you that your suspicions were correct. I’ve had fun at your expense and anypony else’s expense that I thought I could get away with bullying. Who else but a piece of manure could receive pleasure from that? But – and this is a big but – the key word in my admission is that I ‘was’ a piece of manure.”

Diamond Tiara paced back and forth.

“I realize now that going through life as a piece of manure is not the way I want to live out the rest of my days. I have more to offer the world than that. I’m just sorry that it cost Twist her life to show me that; which brings me to Miss Cheerilee.”

Diamond Tiara’s cheeks swelled and she puffed out a breath. She took a few more breaths before tackling the subject.

“My attack on her was unwarranted, unjustifiable, and just plain evil. I’ve got plenty of excuses I could offer but none of them come even close to something that you could give a rat’s rump about. I knew how much you loved her... and I knew how much she loved you and Twist... and, once again, I found myself getting jealous. I wasn’t like you. You guys were positive and pleasant and I was negative and snooty. I hid my misery behind false bravado. Knowing that I couldn’t live up to what she admired about you made me so angry that I didn’t even bother trying to become a better pony. I couldn’t join you so I decided to try my luck at beating you. And Twist. And anypony else who she cared for. But it backfired on me. I thought I was so smart but I never suspected that my arrogance would come back to bite me in the rump. The pain I felt when Miss Cheerilee tried to kill me wasn’t just physical.”

Diamond Tiara’s legs trembled. She lay on the floor to try and hide it.

“I looked up to her, believe it or not. If there’s one thing that you and I have in common, it’s that we enjoy receiving praise. Every time she congratulated you or one of the other kids at school on what a great job they did getting a C plus or a B minus on a test, I could see how sincere she was. I was already getting an A or an A plus on every test I took. By being a straight A student, I thought I could at least receive a little attention. That strategy didn’t work out the way I’d hoped it would. It became so commonplace for me to get excellent grades that she didn’t pay any attention to me. She devoted more of her time to you guys or the students who had difficulty learning the lessons she taught. She ignored a prodigy in favor of spending more time with fixer-uppers.”

“That was her job,” pointed out Apple Bloom – followed by a rapid reply by Diamond Tiara accompanied by an angry glare.

“THEN IT WAS A STUPID JOB!!!”

The shout bounced off the walls and all was silent once more. Tears glistened in Diamond Tiara’s eyes as she sniffled back moisture and tried to steady her quivering lower lip. The Crusaders were skeptical as to the authenticity of those tears.

“I would have gladly paid her ten times what she was making just to take me to a park on a lazy Sunday afternoon!” whimpered Diamond Tiara. “Or maybe a zoo or a museum or something; we could’ve given each other... what do you call those crowns you make out of a bunch of flowers tied together?”

“Daisy chains,” replied Scootaloo.

“Daisy chains, thank you. We could have done all that girly stuff. Anything I know about girliness or fashion came from magazines and whatever Silver Spoon picked up from her dad. But I never made Cheerilee an offer to spend time with me in exchange for money because I knew that she couldn’t be bought. Who becomes a teacher for the money? Miss Cheerilee loved two things in life: teaching – and Twist. I couldn’t stand her paying attention to Twist and you guys and the dumb kids in class... and as busy as my dad is at any given time, he still keeps up with my grades so failing on purpose for the extra help wasn’t an option. I took her favoritism way too personally. I cursed myself for a fool for ever respecting her; for ever admiring somepony who shunned me. It hurt to look at her sitting at her desk and enjoying herself. Laughing at a joke you told her. Smiling about something you had done. Loving her stupid job because of mediocre students like you and not exceptional students like me. I knew only one course of action to take: retaliation. I swore I’d show her the mistake she made in not making me her favorite student. If I couldn’t have her love, then, by Celestia, I would have her hatred. Nopony treats me with indifference. I had to hurt her even worse than she hurt me. I wouldn’t take away the things that she loved; it would’ve been over too quickly if I did that. Instead, I wanted her to know that the things she loved were hers to enjoy solely because I permitted it. I kept her on a leash and gave her just enough lead on it to make her feel as though she was free – even though we both knew that I was the one in charge. She kept up a brave face but I could tell how she hated it. And her hatred was rutting delicious... until I accidentally took away one of the things she loved.”

“After that, I knew that Cheerilee would be in serious pain. She tried to hide it but I know all about hiding misery. She was reeling from the blow delievered by Twist’s death. I wanted to rip off that mask she put up to hide how broken she really was so I fired my secret weapon: the surgery she had on her reproductive system. You guys wouldn’t know this... and you probably never will... but there’s something so savory... so gratifying... about being the hammer for once when life has made you the anvil for such a Celestia-damned long time.”

The Crusaders gave each other a look. They experienced a similar feeling in the throne room of Canterlot Castle when Operation: Diamond Exchange was first launched.

“But then Miss Cheerilee reminded me pretty quickly who the real hammer was. And then my dad... Wow. It would be pretty tasteless to segue that hammer metaphor into my next sentence so I’ll just move on. I love my dad and he loves me. Nothing he can do will ever change that. But it freaked me the Tartaros out when I heard what he did to Miss Cheerilee. He went crazy over how she attacked me. I never asked him to do that for me and I never would have. And if I had known what he had planned on doing, I swear to you that I would have tried to talk him out of it. These days, I wake up in the morning and he’s already left the house to spend the day in court – and it’s all my fault.”

Diamond Tiara reached up and removed her tiara with her forehooves. She set it down between her forelegs.

“Look, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for my part in all of this. I know it isn’t something that a few words spoken in a single day can make right. I was foolish, selfish, sadistic, and self-destructive. I was seeking revenge against a mare who never deliberately tried to hurt me. I should have just opened up to her and told her how much I admired her but I just couldn’t. I was positive that she would have declined to spend the kind of time with me that I wanted. What I wanted from her was on a parental level and I have no right to expect that from anypony who isn’t my parent. She never really liked me the way she liked you guys. And just like I never asked if I could join your club, I was afraid of leaving myself vulnerable to rejection by asking her to be close to me... and making myself vulnerable was the one thing I refused to do... not counting right now, obviously.”

Sweetie Belle broke the silence that followed with a cough and a clearing of her throat – but no words.

“This whole thing has gone way beyond anything that I could have envisioned. And so here I am, opening up to Cheerilee’s chosen ones in the hopes that I can accomplish something positive. It would mean a lot to me to know that, even if you can’t exonerate me or respect me, you can at least... I dunno... sympathize with me a little after what I’ve just told you. The bottom line is that I want you to know that the Diamond Tiara who used to bully you is gone for good. No more putdowns. No more bragging. No more ego trips. That part of my life is squarely behind me and I figured that nopony would appreciate hearing that more than those that I picked on the most. I have learned my lesson for real. I know I can do better. The bitter irony is that it took Cheerilee’s death for me to-”

“Her murder,” interrupted Scootaloo.

Diamond Tiara was silent for a moment as she hung her head. She stood up and nodded slowly.

“Okay, fair enough,” she admitted. “It took her murder for me to become the kind of pony she might have loved; somepony like you. There’s something else you should know. When the schoolhouse gets a new teacher, I won’t be coming back. I’ll be privately tutored along with Silver Spoon at her mansion. I’m pretty sure no one’ll miss me... and I can’t say that I blame them.”

She looked at all three Crusaders and paused to allow them to speak. Nopony took the opportunity to speak up.

“Isn’t there anything that you guys wanna say to me? I mean I’ve just spilled my guts to you for the past – what; about ten minutes? – and you’ve only given me six words in return. There’s gotta be something that you wanna say to me – even if it’s to tell me to go rut myself.”

“Yeah,” said Apple Bloom flatly. She pointed to the door. “That there’s the door. Use it. Now. An’ after ya do, don’t ever use it again.”

Diamond Tiara closed her eyes.

“Okay,” she said. “If that’s what you want.”

“It is,” confirmed Apple Bloom. “Oh, and uhhh... go rut yerself.”

Diamond Tiara sighed.

“I’ll get right on that, cap’n,” she muttered with a salute. She hung her head, let herself out and closed the door behind her.

Diamond Tiara looked up at the clear blue sky and shed a single tear.

“I tried my best, Zip,” she said. “I really did. I don’t know if apologizing to them accomplished anything but I hope that you’d be proud of me for giving it my best shot.”

The Crusaders watched carefully as Diamond Tiara walked down the ramp and through the grassy fields leading back to the center of town. When the pink filly had reached a certain distance, the Crusaders scrambled to the second floor for the right to be the first one to use the telescope. Sweetie Belle was the first one and she watched Diamond Tiara walk through the trees and disappear from sight.

“She’s gone.”

Once Sweetie Belle spoke those two words, all three fillies leaped and squealed with great enthusiasm as they performed their signature high hoof bump.

“Oh mah gosh, y’all,” said Apple Bloom excitedly. “Thanks so much fer followin’ mah lead back there an’ not sayin’ nothin’ much! Ah was sweatin’ up a storm the whole time she was here!”

“It worked,” noted Scootaloo as she looked at the floor in disbelief. “I mean, she’s still got a little bit of her attitude but Operation: Diamond Exchange really worked! She’s really committed to being a good pony!”

“And she’s gonna be privately tutored just like Silver Spoon!” noted Sweetie Belle. “We won’t have to see either of them when school starts up again!”

“Apple Bloom, this wouldn’t have been possible without you,” remarked Scootaloo. “You rock.”

“Hear, hear!” chimed Sweetie Belle, hopping in place.

“Aw, shucks, you guys. It might’ve been mah idea but it wouldn’t’ve come about if y’all hadn’t been around ta inspire me. This ain’t mah victory alone. This is our victory.”

“This calls for a celebration!” Sweetie Belle ran to the cupboard and removed a bottle of sparkling apple cider along with three plastic cups. “I’ve had this tucked away for years to celebrate a special occasion and I believe our victory today qualifies as one. I think you’ll find it to be a delightful little vintage.”

“Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo. “That’s the bottle of sparkling apple cider that you got just last week. I was with you when you bought it from Granny Smith. And it doesn’t have a vintage. It has an expiration date.”

Sweetie Belle shook her head with disappointment.

“I never knew you hated imagination so much, Scootaloo.”

“What imagination? You just repeat select phrases you’ve overheard your sister say because you think it makes you sounds cool.”

“That’s not true.”

“It is so true. What Rarity phrase are you gonna use next; ‘Kiss me, Applejack’?”

“My sister isn’t gay!” squealed Sweetie Belle.

“An’ neither is mine!” yelled Apple Bloom.

“Tchehwellidunnoaboutthat,” muttered Sweetie Belle under her breath nonchalantly as she rolled her eyes with a smirk.

Apple Bloom responded to Sweetie Belle’s insinuation with a thunderous extended gasp. Scootaloo covered her mouth with both forehooves and snickered.

“You did not just say that about mah big sister!” growled Apple Bloom as she shook a forehoof at the unicorn. “She ain’t gay... but even if she was, ah bet she could do waaaay better than Rarity.”

“Nuh-uh!” corrected Sweetie Belle. “Applejack can only dream about being with Rarity... which I’m pretty sure she does every night.”

Scootaloo rolled onto her back laughing at the exchange. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle looked at the mischievous pegasus who had instigated their quarrel.

“O’ course, ya know who the real gay mare is,” said Apple Bloom.

“Oh, I do,” said Sweetie Belle. “Unquestionably the gayest one around.”

“Go ahead and say it,” encouraged Scootaloo confidently. “It won’t bother me. I know Rainbow Dash is straight.”

“Yeah, and you know because you asked her out and she turned you down,”

“She did not turn me down!”

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle burst into a fit of laughter at Scootaloo’s reply. Confused for a moment by their laughter, Scootaloo scratched her head. When she understood how her statement was taken out of context, she blushed.

“That’s not what I meant!” argued Scootaloo. “Don’t twist my words around!”

Apple Bloom opened the cider and filled three cups with the fizzy beverage. She gave one to Scootaloo, another to Sweetie Belle, and kept one for herself. They all raised their cups for a toast.

“To Apple Bloom,” toasted Sweetie Belle.

“To Miss Cheerilee,” toasted Apple Bloom.

“To Operation: Diamond Exchange,” toasted Scootaloo. “Mission complete.”

“Uhhhhh... yyyeah,” muttered Apple Bloom while nursing her cider. “See, the thing is that the mission ain’t exactly a hundred percent complete.”

“What do you mean?” asked Sweetie Belle. “Diamond Tiara’s dedicated herself to being good... so what else is left for us to do?”

“See, this here plan o’ mine... Ah didn’t think it through all the way before startin’ it. The final stage is gonna take a few more years – give or take.”

“A few more years?”

“Could we get a little clarification on that?” asked Scootaloo.

“You heard Diamond Tiara talkin’ ‘bout all o’ her insecurities and stuff. That filly’s got more issues than a comic book shop. We’ve gotta make sure that Operation: Diamond Exchange stays a secret. If she ever catches wind o’ this bein’ a hoax, she’s liable ta go off the deep end. An’ ah ain’t so curious about what that would involve that ah’d risk spillin’ the beans. Y’all have ta swear that you’ll never tell her or anypony else about it.”

“I swear never to tell anypony else about it,” decreed Scootaloo, raising her right forehoof.

“I swear, too,” said Sweetie Belle, “but I don’t see how hard it could be to keep that secret. Ponyville isn’t that small. And it’s not like the three of us walk in the same circles as rich fillies.”

“Yeah, they won’t even be attending school with us anymore so seeing them on a daily basis is a thing of the past. With any luck, we’ll never have to bump into them again. For all we know, they might even leave Ponyville for greener pastures.”

“You know, after listening to her rant, I’ve got to admit that I do feel a little bad for her.”

“Oh, get real, y’all. Y’all know dang well that the only reason she found her new purpose in life is ‘cause her ego couldn’t handle Celestia tellin’ her that she’s destined ta be a steppin’ stone fer us. She deserves ta be fooled like this. What she doesn’t know won’t hurt her – or, more importantly, us.”

There was a clanking of empty tin cans which were tied to a string hanging from the wall.

“Another visitor?” asked Scootaloo. “But how could that be? You never left to reset the alarm.”

“Those were tin cans. Sleigh bells indicate an approach from the north. This is the eastern tripwire that’s been triggered.” Sweetie Belle ran upstairs and looked through the telescope.

“Well?” asked Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle trotted back downstairs and threw her forelegs up in the air as she sat down and looked at the ceiling.

“Oh, Celestia, why do you hate us?” asked Sweetie Belle rhetorically.

“What’s the matter?” asked Scootaloo. “Who’s coming?”

Sweetie Belle turned and looked at Scootaloo grimly.

“It’s Silver Spoon,” she replied.

The Crusaders groaned.

Silver Spoon knocked on the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ clubhouse door. The waiting was the killer. Whether successful or not, the events that would take place once she spoke to the Crusaders would determine how the rest of her life would go.

The door opened. Scootaloo stood in the doorway. Silver Spoon cast her eyes downward, wondering how she would word her request to be allowed inside. Scootaloo stood on her hind legs and slapped a headlock on Silver Spoon.

“Hey!” protested Silver Spoon. “Let me go!”

Scootaloo did not release the hold. She proceeded to walk back inside the clubhouse on her hind legs with Silver Spoon in tow. As entry was Silver Spoon’s goal, she did not resist their forward motion.

“Wouldja look who dropped in to say hi?” said Scootaloo to her fellow Crusaders. She slammed the top of Silver Spoon’s head into the door.

“Ow!” yelped Silver Spoon. “That hurt!”

“Oopsie,” bubbled Scootaloo sarcastically escorted her captive inside and shut the door behind them with her left hind leg.

“Careful with my glasses!”

“What are you doing here?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Who cares what she’s doing here?” said Apple Bloom. “We’ve got better things ta do than listen to a stooge.”

“Aw, c’mon, let’s be hospitable,” suggested Scootaloo. “We could at least hear what she has to say. You do have something you want to say to us, don’t you, Silver Stooge? Oops, I mean ‘Silver Spoon’.”

“Yes... but I’d really appreciate it if you’d let go of me so that I can say it.”

Scootaloo looked at Apple Bloom for a signal. Apple Bloom nodded to Scootaloo as a gesture of consent and Silver Spoon was released abruptly.

Silver Spoon tilted her head left and right to appease her aching neck. She was stuck behind enemy lines without Diamond Tiara and her unscheduled appearance was met with hostility. It went without saying that this was not going to be an easy sell.

“I’ve been mean to you three so many times that I’ve lost count,” admitted Silver Spoon, “and I want to apologize for it.”

“You... apologizing to us?” asked Scootaloo rhetorically.

“Yes.”

Apple Bloom ran to the window and peered out of it to see if she could spot anypony else.

“Did Diamond Tiara put you up ta this?” asked Apple Bloom as she shut that window and the rest of the clubhouse’s open windows, an act that concerned Silver Spoon; one closed a window either to keep something out – or in.

“No,” answered Silver Spoon. “She doesn’t know I’m here. Anyway, I also want to tell you that I’m never gonna be mean to you again.”

“Happy ta hear it,” chirped Apple Bloom with a smile. “Thanks fer stoppin’ by.” Her smile was quickly replaced with a neutral expression. “Scootaloo, show ‘er out.”

“With pleasure,” said Scootaloo, reaching for the gray earth pony’s tail with her mouth to drag her out of the clubhouse.

“Wait!” cried Silver Spoon, drawing her tail closer to her body.

“What is it now?” inquired Apple Bloom angrily.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders watched with great interest as Silver Spoon knelt and prostrated herself before them.

“I am sincerely and humbly begging you to forgive me for the mean things that I’ve done to you,” stated Silver Spoon.

The Cutie Mark Crusaders, puzzled by what they had witnessed, looked at one another.

“That woulda been a lot ta ask o’ us before you an’ Diamond Tiara went and did all the manure y’all’ve done,” said Apple Bloom. “You’re askin’ us after.”

“We didn’t plan on getting Twist killed,” clarified Silver Spoon. “...but I don’t deny that she’d be alive right now if it hadn’t been for the prank we pulled on her. And for that, I’m also very, very sorry.”

“Whaddya want our forgiveness for, anyway?”

“Well, you see... it’s... because I need your help; a favor, actually.”

“I knew there was more to this,” squawked Scootaloo. “She’s not apologizing because of some revelation that being a bully is wrong. She’s just doing it so she can get what she wants out of us.”

“Give us one good reason why the Crusaders should help you,” demanded Sweetie Belle.

“Because in exchange for your help me, I’ll do anything you ask.”

The Crusaders looked at one another. They shared a smile – which meant that they were on the same page regarding this offer.

“Would you excuse us for a little while?” asked Apple Bloom. “We need to confer for a moment or three.”

Silver Spoon nodded.

“Sure; you girls take as long you need,” she said. While the Crusaders huddled and whispered amongst themselves, Silver Spoon played with her braid nervously. Before long, the Crusaders returned to her.

“So ya want our help, do ya?” asked Apple Bloom. “Well, what we want from you is the same thing you an’ Diamond Tiara’ve taken from us: dignity.”

“H-How exactly do you plan on taking my dignity?” asked Silver Spoon.

“We’re gonna do this gauntlet style. Sweetie Belle will issue you a challenge ta do somethin’ for her. If you do it, then it’ll be Scootaloo’s turn ta issue you a different challenge. If ya pass both o’ those, it’ll be mah turn ta issue the final challenge. If ya complete all three, we’ll forgive ya and help ya with whatever ya want. You can quit an’ leave this clubhouse before at any time – we ain’t gonna force ya ta do nothin’ – but once all four o’ your hooves pass through that door, we’ll know that ya didn’t really wanna be forgiven all that bad – an’ this offer’ll never be on the table again. Do you accept these terms?”

Silver Spoon considered the terms.

“It doesn’t look as though I have much of a choice so... okay, I accept your terms.”

“Fantastic. Sweetie Belle, you’re up.”

Sweetie Belle approached Silver Spoon and frowned at her.

“Remember the last words you said to me?” asked Sweetie Belle pointedly.

“Yeah, I do.” She grinned nervously, recalling the parting shot of profanity. “Sorry?”

“A ‘sorry’ won’t cover it. Here’s where your potty mouth is gonna cost you.” Sweetie Belle stood on her hind legs and lifted her forelegs over her head menacingly. Silver Spoon closed her eyes and cowered, preparing herself to get hit. Sweetie Belle appeared poised to strike but did not attack. She stood back on all fours, placed her foreleg on Silver Spoon’s shoulder, and tapped it. Silver Spoon looked up at the unicorn.

“I challenge you to give me ten thousand bits,” proclaimed Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo looked at each other in disbelief at Sweetie Belle’s challenge.

Silver Spoon blinked and then grinned. She had no problem buying her way out of this.

“I can’t get my hooves on that kind of cash in one shot,” she said, lowering her foreleg shield and standing up straight. “Would a credit line of ten thousand bits worth of goods and services from shops here in Ponyville do?”

“Yes!” exclaimed Sweetie Belle ecstatically. She closed her eyes and smiled widely. “Let’s bump on it.” Sweetie Belle extended her forehoof to Silver Spoon.

“No!” shouted Apple Bloom. “Hold it!” She waved her forelegs wildly like a referee calling for a foul. “No deal!”

Sweetie Belle and Silver Spoon turned to look at Apple Bloom.

“What’s wrong?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Just... c’mere.” Apple Bloom swung her right foreleg to beckon Sweetie Belle to walk over to her.

“Hey,” protested Silver Spoon. “No help from the audience!”

“Hush, you,” ordered Apple Bloom. “That wasn’t her challenge. We need a minute or two.” When the unicorn approached her, Apple Bloom placed her foreleg over the back of her friend’s neck and spoke in a soft tone.

“Sweetie Belle, we ain’t whores,” declared Apple Bloom. “Do ah have ta remind you how that little cheese weasel has been a thorn in our side since day one?”

“But I want stuuuuff,” whined Sweetie Belle.

Apple Bloom held up a forehoof to silence Sweetie Belle.

“Day. One,” said Apple Bloom. “Hittin’ her up fer money would be lettin’ her off easy. You can get stuff any old time.”

“Ten thousand bits worth of stuff? Any old time? Are you on salt? You can get, like, a small house for that much! Ooh! Wait!” Sweetie Belle turned around and smiled at Silver Spoon. “Can you buy me a small house? I’ve always dreamed of living alone like my big sister.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoaaaa, back up a sec,” demanded Silver Spoon. “Sweetie Belle, I may have buying power at my disposal but not even I can have a real estate purchase show up on my expense account. Buying a house in Ponyville is one thing; maintaining one is a never-ending money pit. Or have you not noticed how often the buildings in this town get damaged?”

“Yeah. Ya gotta have home insurance in case yer house gets damaged. That’s a monthly bill. Then there’s property taxes, utility bills, the homeowner’s association fees, an’ ya gotta get permission from Town Hall if ya wanna expand it. How are ya gonna pay fer all o’ that?”

Apple Bloom turned to look at Scootaloo. The pegasus was speechless at Apple Bloom’s knowledge of real estate.

“What?” asked Apple Bloom suspiciously. “Mah sister talks about this property management stuff all the time.”

“Silver Spoon will pay for all of that,” said Sweetie Belle. “Right?”

“Wrong,” corrected Silver Spoon. “Upkeep on a house would exceed my normal monthly spending habits by leaps and bounds.”

“But I thought you were swimming in money!”

“We are – but we still make sure to turn off the faucet if it’s not being used. My family’s accountant would report my unusually large spending to my parents and I’d have to explain why I’m providing a filly with a house. You might as well ask me to buy you Canterlot Castle for all the good it’ll do.”

Sweetie Belle turned to Apple Bloom and Scootaloo.

“You guys wanna be my roommates and help me pay bills and stuff?” she asked.

“Sweetie Belle,” said Scootaloo flatly. “Apple Bloom and I don’t have an income. You don’t have an income, for that matter. How would we make rent?”

“Um... Then I’ll... get... roommates with jobs.”

Apple Bloom facehoofed and groaned.

“Then ya wouldn’t be livin’ alone anymore,” she argued. “Worse’n that, ya’d be livin’ with strangers. Ya might as well live at home with yer folks fer free.”

“Oh, yeah,” said Sweetie Belle, realizing that Apple Bloom was right.

“Now listen: Silver Spoon’s bullied an’ teased us a heap. We hmm-hmm-hmmmed you-know-who but we ain’t got no guarantee that Silver Spoon’s sincere about changin’. Look at her. Celestia knows why she’s so desperate fer our help but ah ain’t questionin’ it. This is our chance ta get back at her an’ get away with it! She’s beggin’ us ta take a blank check fer payback! Ask Silver fer somethin’ she’d hate ta agree ta do.”

Sweetie Belle’s eyes opened wide along with her mouth. Clearly, a lightbulb turned on upstairs.

“Got iiiit,” she said.

Sweetie Belle trotted to the domestic tool drawer. She opened it, levitated a pair of safety scissors, and brought it with her to Silver Spoon.

“My challenge is simple,” reassured Sweetie Belle. “I challenge you to let me cut off your dumb braid.”

Silver Spoon gasped so loudly that it startled the Crusaders.

“Duuude!” exclaimed Scootaloo.

“Now that’s more like it,” said Apple Bloom, impressed by Sweetie Belle’s choice.

“Uh!” balked Silver Spoon. “What’s the matter with you? You don’t cut a filly’s mane!” She sat down and cradled her braid in her forelegs. “That’s, like, one of the first rules of engagement! Ask for something else!”

“Our clubhouse, our rules, your braid...” Sweetie Belle pointed to the exit. “...or our door. Take it or leave it.”

“Leaving it.”

“Aw, come on.”

Silver Spoon trotted toward the door and opened it.

“You should’ve picked something tamer to start with,” critiqued Scootaloo. “Now I won’t get a turn.”

“So what?” asked Sweetie Belle. “At least she’s leaving.”

Silver Spoon stood in the doorway. She looked back to inspect her hind hooves. They hadn’t crossed the threshold yet. She remained motionless, lost in thought over what she should do. Her plan was solid. Was she really ready to abandon it just because it involved a bit of sacrifice?

She turned around and, with ears drooped, slowly walked back inside the clubhouse.

“She’s coming back,” whispered Scootaloo.

Silver Spoon approached the Crusaders and stood before them. Her eyes were closed.

“It’s just hair, Silver Spoon,” reminded Scootaloo. The pegasus ran her forehoof through her own mane. “I’m living proof that short manestyles can be awesome... but if you’re hung up on having it long, it should grow back in, what, maybe two or three years? Let Sweetie Belle cut off your braid so that I can get a turn.”

She opened her eyes and cast them downward. She slowly walked to where Sweetie Belle stood.

“Do it,” muttered Silver Spoon. “But this is, like, soooo uncool of you, Sweetie Belle.”

“I know,” retorted Sweetie Belle. “But we’ll be even after this. Won’t that make it all worth it?”

Silver Spoon sighed.

“Hurry up and get it over with,” she requested.

The blades of the scissors gnawed away at the base of the braid and Silver Spoon’s eyes welled up with tears of humiliation, certain that the teasing she had heaped upon the CMC didn’t warrant this disproportionate retribution. Her only consolation was that, having surrendered her hairpulling fetish to Princess Luna, this was not as great of a sacrifice as it would have been had she agreed to this a few months ago.

After what seemed like an eternity of cutting later, the braid slid down Silver Spoon’s shoulder and the sound it made when it hit the floor caused her to die a little bit inside. It was almost like losing a limb.

Sweetie Belle levitated the braid and tucked it into her own mane. Then she levitated Silver Spoon’s glasses and placed them on her own face.

“Hey!” shouted Silver Spoon. “Give those back!”

“Like, yes, Diamond Tiara,” chirped Sweetie Belle in a high pitched voice that was meant to mimic Silver Spoon’s voice. “Like, of course, Diamond Tiara. Like, anything you say, Diamond Tiara. Oh, my gosh, you’re, like, so right.”

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo laughed, amused by Sweetie Belle’s impersonation.

“I do not sound like that,” stated Silver Spoon curtly. “Am I forgiven?”

“Almost.” Sweetie Belle held the braid in her mouth and swung it so that it struck Silver Spoon on top of the head.

“Ow! Hey!”

“That was for the ‘rut you’. Okay, now you’re forgiven.” Sweetie Belle returned Silver Spoon’s glasses and stepped to one side. “Go see what Scootaloo’s challenge is.”

Silver Spoon walked to Scootaloo. The pegasus filly wasn’t even looking at her. She was playing it cool, inspecting her left forehoof for chips or flaws.

Silver Spoon cleared her throat to get Scootaloo’s attention. It didn’t work.

“Hey,” said Silver Spoon.

“Hey,” said Scootaloo.

“Well?”

“Well what?”

“What’s your challenge? Are you gonna shave my tail?”

“Nah, stunts like that aren’t really my style.”

“So what is your style?”

“Meh. I’m not feeling very creative... so I’ll settle for challenging you to let me sock you in the nose.”

Silver Spoon grimaced.

“Ugh,” she groaned.

“You’re gonna hit her?” asked Sweetie Belle. “That’s your request?”

“Yup,” said Scootaloo.

Sweetie Belle blinked.

“Can I change my challenge?” she asked.

“No, you can’t change yours!” barked Silver Spoon. “You’ve already butchered my freaking mane!”

“So are you in?” asked Scootaloo.

“For the record, I never hit you.”

“For the record, I don’t care. So do you accept?”

Silver Spoon took a deep breath and released it slowly. She could hear her heart beating rapidly.

“One punch and we’ll be good?” she asked the pegasus.

“No. We won’t be good. We’ll be even. Big difference – and yes, just one.”

Silver Spoon removed her glasses and closed her eyes.

“I... accept.”

“Not so fast. This challenge comes with some conditions. You can’t tell on me and you can’t hit me back. If anypony asks, you weren’t watching where you were running and you ran into a tree.”

“Pfft!” scoffed Sweetie Belle. Scootaloo turned her head to look at the snickering unicorn.

“What was that for?” asked Scootaloo.

“You actually think that one of your punches does the same amount of damage as running into a tree?” Sweetie Belle smiled. She covered her grinning lips with her left forehoof.

“If you want some of this, you just say the word,” said Scootaloo as she lifted her right forehoof and held it up to Sweetie Belle.

“I can take your punches – the one or two that I can’t block or dodge.”

“Then maybe I’ll smack Button instead.”

“You lay one hoof on him and I’ll knock you silly!”

“She sure is defensive about him, huh?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Ha ha ha, totally!” agreed Scootaloo with a smile. She stifled the smile when she realized who she was agreeing with. “Hey, shut up, you!”

Silver Spoon silenced herself.

“Okay,” she said. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be so go ahead.”

Scootaloo paced back and forth in front of Silver Spoon.

“What’s taking so long?” asked Silver Spoon.

“Just thinking about all the times you teased me,” replied Scootaloo. “And called me names, and all the other stuff you did to me or my friends that made me sick to my stomach. I’d think to myself that I was raised better than to stoop to your level but I was really just kidding myself. You bullies only stop bullying when you’ve pushed somepony too far and they fight back. Now that I have you here, maybe you can answer that for me. Why does it have to come to that? Why couldn’t you have just left us alone if you didn’t like us?”

Silver Spoon hesitated. She reached for her braid but it wasn’t there.

“I’m... messed up inside,” she replied.

“No kidding? Well, get in hoofing line! I’m messed up, too, but I never picked on anypony because of it.”

Scootaloo stopped pacing and placed her hoof on her chest.

“‘I’m messed up inside’,” said Scootaloo, mocking Silver Spoon’s voice. “...like that’s some sort of excuse. Celestia, I should be embarrassed to own up to how many times I used to fantasize about hitting you. I want you to put it out of your head right now that you don’t deserve this punch because you hoofing well do! YOU SUCK! AND DIAMOND TIARA SUCKS! And a society that won’t let me punish little bitches like you on the spot for messing with me and my friends AND MY TEACHER for no good reason sucks worst of all!”

Scootaloo wound back and landed a straight right punch to Silver Spoon’s snout.

Silver Spoon let a quick neigh slip as she staggered backward and dropped to her rump.

“Uhhh,” groaned Silver Spoon. She touched her nose with her forehooves to make sure it was still in one piece. Despite Sweetie Belle’s dismissal of Scootaloo’s boxing skills, the punch hurt a lot. Her eyes watered profusely as they did any time her nose received blunt trauma.

“You all right there, Silver?” asked Apple Bloom.

“Doh, I’b dot,” honked Silver Spoon. “I just took a pudch to the dose.”

“You have a nosebleed,” said Sweetie Belle. She levitated a hoofkerchief and gave it to Silver Spoon. Silver took it and held it over her nose to halt the bleeding. She reclaimed her glasses and looked at Scootaloo after putting them back on. She noticed that the pegasus had turned away from her – and was trembling.

“Scootaloo?” Silver Spoon called out softly.

Scootaloo didn’t turn around right away. When she finally faced Silver Spoon, her eyes were just as tearlogged as her victim’s. Her lower lip was quivering. Scootaloo was definitely broken up about something. The sight caught Silver Spoon off guard. She didn’t know how to react to this.

“I can’t fly, you jerk,” whimpered Scootaloo. “Your nose’ll get better; my wings won’t.”

Immediately following those words from Scootaloo, Silver Spoon felt the weight of her own cruelty upon her back – and it was far from a light load. When she and Diamond Tiara decided to exploit Scootaloo’s insecurity about her flightlessness to gain an advantage in their effort to win the flag waving competition, it seemed like a sound strategy. She recalled how much she enjoyed lacing into her along with Diamond Tiara. It filled her with a sense of superiority that catered to that dark part of herself. And while she had vowed to work on erasing that aspect of her personality, not everypony was as quick to forget the blows she had struck.

“I’b sorry,” whimpered Silver Spoon as she sniffled the blood that trickled from her nostril back into her throat and swallowed. “I really ab.”

Sniffling, Scootaloo ran outside and scurried up the steps to the observation floor.

“Scootaloooooo,” called out Sweetie Belle. She looked at Silver Spoon and frowned. “See what you did?”

“I do dow,” croaked Silver Spoon poignantly, averting her eyes.

Sweetie Belle left the clubhouse and climbed up the steps.

“Just give me a minute,” called out Scootaloo to the main floor via the ceiling hatch. Her voice sounded as though she had regained her composure. “I don’t want to miss Apple Bloom’s challenge.”

Minutes passed and Silver Spoon checked on her nosebleed. It had stopped.

Sweetie Belle returned to the main floor and Scootaloo followed shortly afterward.

“Again, I’m sorry, Scoo-”

“Hey, don’t sweat it,” said Scootaloo confidently as she firmly patted Silver Spoon’s left shoulder twice with her right forehoof. “We’re even now. Bringing up the past is just gonna make things awkward.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Apple Bloom, you’re up,” said Scootaloo.

“This is why ah wanted ta go last,” said Apple Bloom. She cleared her throat repeatedly, bringing up as much phlegm as she could; collecting it in her mouth but not expelling it.

Silver Spoon groaned. She had had her fill of expectorate when Diamond Tiara spat upon her not long ago. Wincing, she closed her eyes half way and shielded her face with her left foreleg.

“Come on,” whined Silver Spoon. “Really?”

“Yeah, Apple Bloom, that’s kind of weak,” opined Scootaloo.

Apple Bloom reared her head back and launched the phlegm.

Silver Spoon shut her eyes and flinched – but didn’t feel spit land anywhere on her body. She slowly lowered her foreleg and looked for where the spit landed. She found the swampy, revolting mix of phlegm and saliva on the floor by her forehooves.

“Uh, Apple Bloom, you missed her by about a mile,” said Scootaloo.

“Ah know,” declared Apple Bloom. “But that’s because ah wasn’t aimin’ fer her.” She kept her eyes locked on Silver Spoon’s eyes as she spoke her next words. “Ah challenge you... ta eat that.” Apple Bloom pointed to her wad of spit.

“Oh-h-h, my Celestia-a-a-a,” quavered Silver Spoon as she scrunched her eyes shut.

“AAAAAAAAAH!!” screamed Sweetie Belle in horror.

“See, girls? Ah just got y’all free shots at ‘er. There ain’t no way she’s gonna do it.”

“Further proof that you’re the leader... or... president,” said Scootaloo.

Silver Spoon gulped and shivered.

“Do I really deserve this?” she asked.

“Do you even remember all the times ya messed with us fer no good reason?” said Apple Bloom. Closing her eyes, she struck a pose that a waiter might strike, holding a pretend tray with one forehoof and a pretend towel in the crook of her free foreleg. “Yer payback stew has been served, mademoiselle. Eat it now before it gets cold.”

“Oh, my gosh,” groaned Sweetie Belle, green with queasiness. “I think I’m gonna barf.”

“Then go do it in the trash can. Or here’s an idea: don’t watch.”

“I can’t help it.” Sweetie Belle dry heaved. “Glehhhhh.”

“Relaaax, Sweetie Belle,” said Apple Bloom. “She’s not gonna eat it. Only a crazy pony would even try.”

Scootaloo blinked.

“Whoa,” she said softly. “She hasn’t made a move for the door yet. She’s actually considering it.”

“Well, I’m down fer that, too,” admitted Apple Bloom. “Eat the loogie and we help ya – or ya can walk out that door and we don’t have ta do squat.” Apple Bloom closed her eyes half way and smiled confidently. “Ah guess it all comes down ta how badly ya want our help.”

Silver Spoon broke out in a cold sweat. She breathed audibly through her mouth as though in a state of panic. She kept her eyes forward and knit her brow. Each time she thought she was ready to lower her head and eat her objective off the floor, she gagged and turned away.

You can do this, Silver, she thought as she tried to psyche herself up. You swallow your own saliva all the time. Butterscotch. Pretend it’s a dollop of butterscotch topping that spilled off your ice cream sundae; a sweet, tasty... yellow-green dollop of butterscotch topping... which somehow has a moat of tiny spit bubbles around it.

She scrunched her eyes shut and concentrated on envisioning her vile punishment as a sugary treat.

“Okay, doing this on three,” she said to herself. “One... two... three.” When her face came within inches of the spit, Silver turned her head and aborted.

Try after try, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.

Silver felt her heart pounding. She grew angry at the part of her that was weak and unwilling to accomplish this task. She would never be able to forgive herself if she couldn’t seal the deal with the Crusaders. She used that anger to power a battle cry to summon her fighting spirit.

“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!”

She quickly lowered her head, slurped up the salty mucous pile, lifted her head, and forced herself to swallow it down.

Scootaloo howled with laughter at the stunt she had witnessed.

Apple Bloom’s mouth hung open in shock.

“No way!” she exclaimed.

“What happened?” asked Sweetie Belle, peeking out from behind her forehooves. “Did she eat it?”

“Maybe; maybe not,” replied Apple Bloom as she approached Silver Spoon. She placed both of her forehooves on the gray filly’s muzzle and opened her jaw. “Lift yer tongue.” Silver Spoon obeyed and Apple Bloom inspected the area. When she was satisfied that there was no trickery involved, she released the filly and stepped away, her eyes as wide as saucers. “Well, I’lllll beeee daaaanged!”

“Did she eat it?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“Yeah, she ate it,” replied Apple Bloom.

Scootaloo got her second wind of laughter.

“SERIOUSLY?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“SERIOUSLY!” yelped Scootaloo.

“AAAAAAAAH!!! SHE ATE IT!” squeaked Sweetie Belle. “SHE REALLY ATE IT!! AAAAAAAAH!!!” Sweetie Belle ran circles around the clubhouse as she squealed and dry heaved over and over.

“THAT WAS SICK!!” howled Scootaloo, still amused by the spit consumption.

Silver Spoon drowned out the commotion in the clubhouse. She kept her eyes closed tightly and trembled.

“Ho-lee manure,” exclaimed Apple Bloom. “Ah didn’t think ya’d really do it. But a deal’s a deal. All’s forgiven, ah reckon.”

“Yeah, you’ve totally done your penance,” said Scootaloo, wiping her eyes free of tears. “Right, Sweetie Belle?”

Sweetie Belle could only nod as she fanned herself with her forehoof and continued to fight off the urge to dry heave.

“And now for the big question,” proclaimed Apple Bloom. “What in Celestia’s name was so danged important that you were willin’ ta get yer hair cut off, take a punch ta the nose, and eat a loogie ta get us ta do?”

Silver Spoon did not answer. She was still trying to erase the last few minutes from her memory.

“Hel-lo-o?” called out Apple Bloom.

Silver Spoon grinned smartly. She was an iron pony and she was proud of her determination to do what needed doing.

“So we’re really square?” she asked. “I’ve got a clean slate with you three?”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders looked at one another and nodded collectively.

“Yeah,” they replied.

Silver allowed herself a smile. She had the Crusaders right where she wanted them.

“Good,” said Silver Spoon. “Here’s what I need you to do for me. I want all of you... to befriend Diamond Tiara.”

The Crusaders looked at one another, their mouths agape.

Silver Spoon closed her eyes and smiled.

“And, by extension,” added Silver Spoon, reopening her eyes, “that includes befriending me.”

Eyebrows raised all around at Silver Spoon’s initial request but even moreso at this extension. Had she planned on guilting them into tormenting her from the start, thus making the act of renegging virtually impossible?

“Uhhhhhhhhh... heh heh... Could ah interest you in makin’ me eat a loogie instead?” asked Apple Bloom, smiling nervously.

“And would you be willing to settle for punching me in the nose?” asked Scootaloo.

“Can I have ten thousand bits?” asked Sweetie Belle.

“No, no, and Tartaros no!” shouted Silver Spoon as she turned her head each time to face and refuse each Crusader. “I made it through your little Crusader gauntlet. This is the favor I need and this is the favor that you’ll do for me. And don’t even think about welshing on me because if you don’t feel obligated to hold up your end of the bargain, there’ll be no reason for me to respect the gag order I agreed to. I’ll have no choice but to rat you out to your families about how you humiliated me here today... and I’d bet good money that you’re already in the doghouse with them as it is over plotting to kill Diamond Tiara.”

Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo flinched in unison, knowing that Silver Spoon had hit the nail on the head.

“No-no-no-no, don’t go doin’ that,” directed Apple Bloom, waving her forehooves to beg off Silver’s threat. “We’re good, Silver Spoon. We’ll do it. We said we would.” As Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo nodded in agreement, Apple Bloom shivered briefly, imagining how nightmarish a prolonged sentence of shoveling pig excrement would be.

“Di’s not a monster,” pointed out Silver Spoon. “She’s really changed – but there’s one last hurdle she needs to clear. What I’ve got planned is gonna take every ounce of courage she’s got and I need you to be there for her when she’s done the hopefully-not-impossible.”

“What is this plan?” asked Scootaloo.

“Sorry, Scootaloo, but that’s a secret. You’ll know it when you see it. When the time is right, give her your support and your friendship.”

“So if ya cain’t tell us what it is, can we at least know when it is?” asked Apple Bloom.

“I’m still working on that,” replied Silver Spoon. “I don’t have an exact date but I’m making all the necessary arrangements. It’s not gonna happen tomorrow but it won’t be that far off either... so be ready to deploy at a moment’s notice.”

“Deploy? You mean we might have to leave Ponyville?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll provide you with train tickets – the non-refundable kind – if it comes down to that. Just make sure you come running when I send for you.”

“Fine,” said Sweetie Belle.

“Now... have you got a pencil and some note paper?” asked Silver Spoon.

“What for?” asked Scootaloo.

“Pfft... You guys are so suspicious. Trust me; you’ll like this.” Silver Spoon gestured with her right forehoof, expressing her desire to be provided with the writing materials she requested.

Sweetie Belle levitated a small notepad and a pencil and gave them to Silver Spoon. Silver took the pencil in her mouth, set the paper down on the floor, and proceeded to write.

“What are you writing?” asked Scootaloo.

“You’re my friends now and you’re doing me a huge favor,” said Silver Spoon. “This is a small way of saying thanks. Give this note to Mr. and Mrs. Cake at Sugarcube Corner and tell them that Silver Spoon sent you. It’s a signed note asking them to give you three all the cupcakes, ice cream, and goodies you can eat. It’ll be put on my tab.”

“Best... friend... EVER!” exclaimed Sweetie Belle with the widest of wide smiles.

“Hey,” protested Apple Bloom and Scootaloo in unison while giving Sweetie Turncoat dirty looks.

“I’ll be in touch,” said Silver Spoon. The gray filly beamed with a cheerful smile. “And speaking of touch... I want to give my three new besties a great big hug!” She ran to each of the Crusaders and gave them a hug. “This is all gonna work out just fine; you’ll see. I’ve got to run. Later!” Silver Spoon trotted to the door.

“Bye,” muttered the CMC.

“Hey, Silver Spoon?” called out Scootaloo.

“Yeah?” called out Silver Spoon, stopping at the doorway and turning around.

“What did Apple Bloom’s loogie taste like?” Scootaloo smirked wickedly.

Silver Spoon tapped her chin and considered the question for a moment. She returned the smirk when she settled on an answer that she liked.

“Like Big Mac’s jizz,” she said, smirking at Apple Bloom before running down the ramp and away from Sweet Apple Acres.

“OHHHHHHHHH-HO-HOHHHH!!!” yelled Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle. The pegasus and the unicorn hoofbumped and laughed heartily at Silver Spoon’s rapier comeback. Apple Bloom, who was rendered speechless by the reply, stared blankly at the doorway where Silver Spoon had just made her exit.

Scootaloo and Sweetie’s Belle’s laughter subsided.

Apple Bloom snapped out of her stupor by blushing and wrinkling her nose.

“Rut; ah just got what she meant by that,” admitted Apple Bloom with a begrudging smirk and a kick to Silver’s braid on the floor.

Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo clutched their abdomens and fell over, squealing with laughter at Apple Bloom’s delayed reaction.