What in Equestria is This?

by nodamnbrakes

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Gummy, Random, Tragedy, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Colgate, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Flitter and Cloudchaser
Length: 4643

One-shots under 1000 words.

AKA whatever I want.

Short one-shots, mostly under 1000 words. Genres will range from everything to everything. All stories so far will be rated E or T. Feel free to suggest prompts. Also, if you want to see a particular chapter expanded on and made into an actual story, tell me! I'll rewrite the most popular ones into actual fics.

Published 2013-10-22 18:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2016-09-15 13:57:35 UTC

Twilight turns into a parasprite

Twilight turns into a parasprite

One day, Twilight Sparkle woke up. She yawned, got out of bed, and proceeded to eat her books. They were was delicious. Afterward, she she puked up a bunch of multicoloured parasprites that she had made out of the food.

"Twilight, you have eaten all of your books!" said Spike confusedly when he saw Twilight. "And you're eating my gems!"

But Twilight was too busy eating dragon food to care. Afterward, she puked up more parasprites.

"Twilight, you have eaten all of your books and all of Spike's gems!" exclaimed Rarity hideously when she saw Twilight. "And you're eating my expensive fabric!"

But Twilight was too busy eating dresses to care. Afterward, she puked up even more parasprites.

"Twilight, you have eaten all of your books, all of Spike's gems, and all of Rarity's dresses!" cried Fluttershy buoyantly when she saw Twilight. "And you're eating my poor animals!"

But Twilight was too busy eating meat to care. Afterward, she puked up still more parasprites.

"Twilight, you have eaten all of your books, all of Spike's gems, all of Rarity's dresses, and all of Fluttershy's animals!" roared Dash happily when she saw Twilight. "And you're eating my wings!"

But Twilight was too busy eating feathers to care. Afterward, she puked up yet more parasprites.

"Twilight, you have eaten all of your books, all of Spike's gems, all of Rarity's dresses, all of Fluttershy's animals, and all of Dashie's wings!" sobbed Pinkie anachronistically when she saw Twilight. "And you're eating my cupcakes!"

But Twilight was too busy eating sweets to care. Afterward, she puked up (yes, you guessed it) more parasprites.

"Twilight, you have eaten all of your books, all of Spike's gems, all of Rarity's dresses, all of Fluttershy's animals, all of Dash's wings, and all of Pinkie Pie's cupcakes!" cackled Applejack stupendously when she saw Twilight. "And you're eating my apples!"

But Twilight was too busy eating Sweet Apple Acres to care. Afterward, she puked up more parasprites and Applebloom.

That night, Twilight suddenly turned into a parasprite as she was going to bed.

"Oh, no!" she drooled scientifically. "I'm a parasprite!"

"No."

No.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep!

Twilight slammed her hoof down on the alarm clock. But it didn't stop beeping. She groaned, rolled over, and looked at the clock. The clock had Rainbow Dash's face on it, frozen into a tortured expression of absolute agony.

It was at this moment that Twilight realized it was not, in fact, a clock that she was looking at, but Dash, who had had most of her bones broken. Also, one half of her wall had been blown off. There were a couple of bipedal creatures wearing cloaks walking around, hacking away at shit with impossibly huge swords while demanding "the key to the land of Zim-Tan-Bagu, where the Ultimate Weapon resides". The sun had fallen out of the sky, Nightmare Moon was roaming free, Sombra had been reborn as a colt while his evil self searched for the missing part, Pinkie was running around trying to murder everypony with a lawn mower, a cloud of Absolute Darkness had started devouring the western border of Ponyville, and the griffons were about to invade from all sides using tanks.

And the only one who could stop them was--

"No," Twilight said, and pulled the covers over her head. "No, it's too early for a shitty fanfic."

Within moments, she was snoring.

Princess Ponies

Rainbow Dash always crashes in style

“I just don’t know what went wrong,” said Rainbow Dash as Fluttershy finished bandaging her bruised and beaten leg. The first of four, anyway. “One sec, I was doing fine, and then... bam.”

“Maybe you could try a lower level on the course?” Fluttershy suggested meekly.

Rainbow sent her a flat, unamused look. “Why would I what to do that?”

“Um, well, those courses are for older colts and fillies who’ve had more experience... um, I think... and you’re not very--”

“Fluttershy, do you have any idea what kinds of standards the Wonderbolts hold their flight team to? Spitfire was flying circles around everypony else by the time she was in her very first year--it says so in her autobiography!” the prismatic filly ranted.

She threw up her hooves in exasperation, which gave Fluttershy a good, jarring jerk because the latter pegasus didn’t think to let go of the bandage in her mouth. “I mean, if I don’t spend every second of my spare time practicing, there’s no way they’re gonna take me! I need to--what is it--operate at a higher level. Means I gotta be doin’ death-defying stunts while the rest of you guys are learning to hover, and stuff.”

“Um, well, um, if I, um, could make a tiny suggestion?” said Fluttershy, having finished with Rainbow’s other foreleg. “Maybe it would be a good idea if you, um, mastered hovering before you started reading ahead in the textbook? Because my granddaddy says it’s always a good idea to get good at the basics before--”

“Are you kidding?” Rainbow puffed up indignantly. “I could hover all day if I wanted.”

Taking to the air, she hovered in front of Fluttershy, looking smug and self-satisfied. This lasted about ten seconds, and then she mistimed her wingbeats, wobbled dangerously, and faceplanted into the cloud.

“Horseapples!” she swore, her voice muffled somewhat by the cloud.

“Oh, dear...” tsked Fluttershy. The gangly filly helped Rainbow back up and resumed bandaging her war wounds. “Maybe you should see a doctor. You might have a vestibular disorder. My cousin has Water-Wings, and that affects your vestibular system, and he can hardly fly in a straight l--”

“I don’t know what vesidualar means,” Rainbow Dash interrupted, “and Mom said if it has a really big name that I can’t pronounce, I shouldn’t stay up at night worrying about whether I’m going to die of it or not and driving her and Dad crazy.”

Fluttershy just sighed and continued to patch her clumsy friend up.

Friendship is Magic... by Twilight Sparkle

Princess Ponies

Twilight Sparkle was happy.

She flew through the skies with a smile on her face.

This was what she had wanted since she was a little filly: to be a Princess Pony.

When you were a Princess Pony, everyone loved you, and everyone wanted to be your friend. Princess Ponies were perfect, and they were never sad, and they were always right no matter what.

So Twilight Sparkle was very happy. And that was why she smiled as she returned to Ponyville.

Her life was perfect now.

Everything was absolutely perfect.

Because Princess Ponies did not have problems. They always knew what to do.

Princess Ponies never felt lonely or empty. Princess Ponies were perfect. Therefore, Twilight Sparkle was perfect. Perfect Princess Ponies did not ever feel bad.

So her smile reached from ear to ear.

Everything would be fine.

Twilight was happy. So very happy.

So very happy.

Because Princess Ponies weren't ever allowed to be sad.

Not even when they wanted to be.

Ritalin is magic

Friendship is Magic... by Twilight Sparkle

Once upon a time, there was a little unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. She was the personal student of Princess Celestia, the most powerful and wisest pony who ever lived. Twilight was very smart too and she was very good at magic. She loved learning magic from the Princess. When she was younger she got her cutie mark hatching a dragon egg, and that took a lot of magic, but she did it so she named the dragon Spike. The Princess was so pleased that she made Twilight her personal student right then and there.

But Twilight was very sad because she didn't have any friends. She spent all her time studying so she got better marks than everypony else, so all the other fillies were mean to her and threw her books in the mud and called her names and talked about her behind her back and put bleech in her mane and made her eat garbedge and called her fat and ugly and stupid and worthless. She spent a lot of time crying because she wanted friends but nopony wanted to be her friend and she just didn't know what she was doing wrong.

One day the Princess sent Twilight to a town called Ponyville to oversee the Summer Sun Celebration which was a big celebration for her (the Princess not Twilight). Twilight went there with her dragon friend Spike who was older now but still not grown up.

When they got there they met Applejack, the earth pony applefarmer (that was her special talant) who was in charge of the food. She said to Twilight "We at Sweet Apple Acres sure do love making new friends!" and Twilight smiled at first because she thought about how she would like to have some friends. But then she remmbered why would anypony want to be friends with her...

After that they ran into Rainbow Dash who was in charge of clearing the clouds because she was a pegasus with a rainbow mane and she was really fast which was her special talent so she could clear the sky in ten seconds flat. She said that they should hang out more and even though she was kind of loud she didn't make fun of Twilight.

Then Twilight and Spike went to see Rarity who was the unicorn in charge of the decorations since she was good at that. Rarity gave Twilight a makeover and said Twilight was pretty and would look good in a dress with gems on it because Rarity's speciel talent was finding beautiful gems to put on dresses that she gave to pretty unicorns like Twilight.

Then they went to find Fluttershy. Fluttershy was a very shy pegasus pony and her special talent was talking to animals. She was very scared at first but she liked Spike because he was a baby dragon so they got along well in the end and Fluttershy was very nice and she didn't ever say anything unkind.

And then when Twilight and Spike went to the library there was Ponyville's premeir party pony Pinkie Pie and she threw a surprise welcome party for Twilight who didn't know what to do because nopony ever threw her a party. The last time she had a birthday no pony went to her party and she spent all day crying becuase she didnt have any freinds. But now everypony was being nice to her and it made her smile and hopeful because maybe she could have some friends.

Then it was time for the Summmer Sun Celebration. But Celestia didn't show up! Instead it was Celestia's old nemisis, Nightmare Moon! She said that she was going to bring eternal night to Equestria. So Twilight and her new friends set out to find the fabled Elements of Harmony that originally imprisoned Nightmare Moon in the moon so they could get rid of her and fix everything. Twilight wanted to go alone but her new friends wouldn't let her risk her life by herself because they cared about her.

Applejack told Twilight that she would always be honest to her because friends didn’t lie to each other. They always told the truth toe each other because friends don’t lie and hurt you and betray you behind you’re back. And Pinkie Pie said she was always going to make Twilight smile when she is sad becuase when your sad your friends can help you laugh you’re troubles away. Instead of laughing at you... And Rainbow Dash said she was alway going to be loyal to Twilight because how friends dont abandnon each other to be populer even though they’re you I she you might not be as good as some other ponies are... and Rarity said she would always share her stuff with twilight because friends are generous, they don’t take stuff just to hurt you... and Fluttershy said she would always be kind to Twilight because friends are kind to each other and they aren’t cruel to me/laugh at me all the time just to make themselves feel better about they’re problems...

And it turned out that they were the Elements of Harmony! So when they got to the old castle where they were and confronted Nightmare Moon, they used the Elements of Harmony on her and she turned into Princess Celestia's little Sister Luna who had become Nightmare Moon because she was lonely and sad too. And Princess Celestia came back and congratulated Twilight, and said that from now on she could live in Ponyville with her new friends to study the magic of friendship!

"Come on, Twilight! Show us what you wrote!"

"She's probably writing love letters to colts she'll never have a shot at."

"No way. She's obviously a dyke. I bet she's writing about her mom clopping her off."

"Please leave me alone," Twilight begged, ears pinned back and cheeks wet with tears. "I j-just wa-ant to b-be alone..."

The other fillies giggled at the stringy-maned, slightly overweight lavender unicorn they had backed up into a corner of the library. One of them reached out with her magic and tried to tug the worn, dog-eared notebook out of Twilight's hooves, but Twilight held it against her chest behind her forelegs with all her strength.

"Wow, she's really in love with that thing," said one of the fillies. She giggled lightly behind her hoof. "Do you think she fucks herself with it?"

Also giggling, one of the others sent a pulse of magic into Twilight's belly that had the effect of a rather painful static shock, hoping to make her drop the notebook. Instead, Twilight turned away and threw herself onto the floor, sacrificing what little was left of her dignity to protect the last piece of her miserable, empty life that hadn't been corrupted and soiled by the ponies around her.

"Twilight, really." The filly who had suggested she wrote incestuous clop fiction sounded indignant. "We know you want attention, but exposing yourself isn't the way to go about it."

"I'm not exposing myself," Twilight mumbled. "Go away."

Her tail was tugged up by magic a second later, triggering a mixture of laughter and jeering from the other fillies.

"Aww, listen, she's crying. Are you crying, Twiley?"

"No. Go away. I didn't d-do anything t-t-to you."

"Well, that's where you're wrong. You exist, and you're ugly, and fat, and your grades are shitty, and it's actually kind of embarrassing to have you in the same school as any of us. You should be in a retard school. You know, one of those sped places for unicorns who can't use magic right. Also, you should do a better job cleaning yourself down there. It's disgusting! You're disgusting, Twilight Sparkle. What's the matter with you?"

Twilight just cried harder. Anything she said would be twisted into some new way of tormenting her, so it was best to keep her mouth shut no matter how badly she wanted to object to the way she was being treated. As long as they didn't get her notebook, she was fine. She was used to the mistreatment and humiliation anyway; it was nothing they hadn't done to her already.

"Is there a problem?" One of the professors had finally seen what was going on and come to check it out. "Why are you on the floor, Miss Sparkle? And what are you doing? Put your tail back down!"

"She was just showing us her naughty bits," said a filly—Twilight didn't even know which one anymore—casually. "I don't even know what made her do it. I think she just wants attention."

By the time the filly finished speaking, Twilight was on her hooves, jamming her notebook into her saddlebags (which had been ravaged earlier) and stuffing the emptied-out contents back in.

"Miss Sparkle, what is the meaning of this?" her professor asked.

"Don't know—can't talk—gotta leave—" Twilight sobbed. As the other fillies snickered behind her, she threw her saddlebags on and bolted out of the library.

She didn't stop running until she reached a restroom on the other side of the school, where she locked herself in the stall and sat on the toilet to cry. This was her life. She would get in trouble for her apparent exhibitionism later, and no amount of pleading or truth-telling would fix it. Nopony ever believed her, because it was always her against everypony else, and everypony else could manipulate the truth as they pleased.

Because in the real world, there was no such thing as honesty.

Or loyalty.

Or kindness.

Or generosity.

Or laughter, unless it was at the expense of another pony's smile.

And there was no such thing as the magic of friendship.

"I wish you were real," the lonely unicorn whispered as she cradled the battered notebook. Inside it, page after page of scribbles comprised the most precious thing in Twilight Sparkle's entire life: her five made-up friends.

Ticket

Rainbow Dash stared uncomprehendingly at the notice in front of her, mindlessly sipping her morning coffee and trying to remember whether she’d put hay waffles in the toaster or not because she didn’t want to expend the energy necessary to get up and check. It was so early in the morning she wasn’t even awake enough to realize her wings were still stiff when she went outside to get the mail.

Her tickets to the latest Wonderbolts show, which had arrived that day and been extracted from their envelope just moments earlier, sat by her foreleg on the kitchen table, and some discarded junk mail had made its way onto the floor near the trash can as a result of her bad aim. But this one letter just wouldn’t process, no matter how many times she read it. The stupid, oblivious grin that had been on her face ever since she saw her Wonderbolts tickets remained, unaffected by what she was seeing.

Finally, after about five minutes of rereading it, Rainbow’s brain finally made sense of the words:

Ms. Rainbow M. Dash,

As a result of your failure to appear before Cloudsdale’s High Court on Thursday, in regards to your arrests for numerous gross speeding violations in multiple districts across Cloudsdale since the inception of our citywide speed limits, you have been tried in absentia and found guilty on all eight hundred and seventy five charges (please see attached documents for a list of specific charges and decisions).

On the same day, your sentence was handed down. You are hereby ordered to pay to the City of Cloudsdale the following amount: one million one hundred and twelve thousand six hundred and thirty nine bits. Because it has been discovered by this court’s investigation that you do not possess the requisite amount, your home and belongings are hereby seized by the City of Cloudsdale. You have three days to gather any items of personal significance and vacate the premises.

Dash’s smile slowly morphed into a contemplative frown.

“...Cloudsdale has a speed limit?”

Big Mac goes to a gun show

Big Mac scooped up the shotgun and excitedly carried it over to the table where the Apploosa Gun Show’s most prominent figure (his cousin, by coincidence) sat.

“Ah want this one,” he said.

Braeburn nodded. “‘Kay, bend over so Ah can administer the gov’nt mandated cavity search.”

And so the big red stallion did just that. He did it, with somewhat more enthusiasm than the average gun buyer at any gun show. When he was done, he paid for the shotgun, threw it in the trash, and went to find another stallion who looked like he gave good cavity searches.

Big Mac didn’t go to gun shows for the weapons, after all.

Craving

Princess Celestia, princess of Equestria, sat still and watched the fillies waiting for their magic tests. In particular, she was watching one little filly out of all the rest; one that had caught her attention simply by being different from the others.

“Winter,” she said to the speckled, very light green unicorn mare beside her. “What’s that filly’s name?”

“That one? Trixie Lulamoon, Your Highness. Apparently, she’s an orphan,” replied Winter Mint, the school’s head of testing. “I’m certain she’s already been through quite a bit a the orphanage--you know how… uncouth the staff and colts of those establishments tend to act when they have a filly available to them, no matter the age.”

“Well, you’re quite right about that,” Celestia agreed with a hardly noticeable shrug of her shoulders, “but I was talking about the mulberry one without the cutie mark.”

She gestured at the filly sitting quietly with her parents and nervously reading over a list of notes, rather than chattering to her neighbors or vibrating in place with boredom.

“Ah. That’s Twilight Sparkle. Did well on the written exam, but as far as we can tell, she’s dry when it comes to magic.”

“I see...”

Winter Mint cocked her head and looked at Celestia, who was looking at Twilight Sparkle in a way very similar to how somepony might look at a piece of cake they were about to devour. It was, however, a far more predatory gleam that had filled the Princess’s eyes.

“Craving, Your Majesty?” inquired Winter knowingly.

“Oh, yes. Very much.”

"It seemed like a good idea at the time..."

Gloomy Night

An opal-coated pegasus mare sat on the porch of a rotting cloud house in a suburban pegasus neighborhood, high above the ground. She was lit from behind by a single undulating coil of electricity on one side of the front door: there had been two of them a long time ago, but one had broken down.

In one hoof, she held a roll of duct tape, which she was presently wrapping around her midsection to bind her wings shut. The whole process was carried out without a single sound, nor a single pause.

There was no hesitation after her taping her wings up. She climbed up onto the front rail and stood up her hind legs, wobbling dangerously as the wind blew through her lightning-patterned mane. Had somepony been looking at her from the front, they would have seen a picture of despair.

Without a word, she jumped off the rail and fell like a stone.

Spike fails to respect Twilight's privacy

Spike's claws made muffled thumping sounds as he paced impatiently up and down the hallway of his and Twilight's apartment over the Golden Oaks Library. As time went on, his pacing became more and more urgent, and he started whining to himself. It finally got to the point where he could no longer stand to wait for another second, so he clomped right up to the bathroom door and banged on it.

"Twilight, come on! I have to go to the bathroom!" he shouted.

The only response from the other side was an incoherent groan that sounded like, "Ahhhhhhhhh yeah... Ooohh..." This concerned Spike, because Twilight usually made sense even when she was talking about science or other gibberish, and he knew she wasn't getting a massage because Rarity had once mentioned (in anguish) that the spa mares didn't do house calls. So, Spike did the only logical thing a dragon could do in such a situation, which certainly was not asking if she was alright.

"I'm coming in!" Apparently, Twilight had forgotten to lock the door, so Spike was able to open it without having to knock it down.

What he found when he burst into the room was the following scene: Twilight Sparkle sitting on the toilet with one hoof on her horn and a magazine floating in front of her. Naturally, Spike understood exactly what was going on, having been caught in similar positions several times by the unicorn. He immediately started backpeddling towards the door.

"Spike," Twilight began, "please knock next t--"

"I'm so sorry I didn't know you were masturbating don't give me extra chores I'll go over to Pipsqueak's house and use his toilet I'm so sorry don't punish me I didn't know and that isn't my Playcolt magazine 'cause I don't keep that in the b--I mean I don't have one of those you can't prove I do--" Spike's apologies continued even as he fled down the stairs.

"Hum, I wonder what that was all about," said Twilight, who hadn't understood half of his frantic rambling.

She finished brushing the stray filings off her horn and picked up the file with her magic. Soon, she'd immersed herself in the article about foreign library cataloguing systems again, occasionally shivering and muttering, "Ooh, yeah," when the file massaged a particularly sore spot.

Rainbow Dash always crashes in style

"It seemed like a good idea at the time..."

"Tavi, I need your help for a sec."

Octavia looked up from the extremely complex music she was attempting to memorize in order to appease her own overachieving inner drive. Her live-in marefriend, Vinyl, was standing in the doorway to her study, conspicuously wearing a huge, insincere grin and a pair of hideously gaudy, goggle-like red shades. This prompted a sigh from Octavia.

"Vinyl, what have I told you about wearing your... glasses in the house?" Octavia chastised her. It only made Vinyl's incredibly fake grin get wider.

"Yeah, roger that," the white mare replied evasively. "Do we have any of that glue dissolver stuff 'round the house, by any chance?"

"Take the glasses off, Vinyl."

While nodding, Vinyl said, "Gotcha. I'll get on that as soon as I do that, uh, stuff with the glue remover. 'Cause we got some'a that, right?"

"I'm not going to answer a single question of yours while you're wearing that repulsive eyewear," declared Octavia.

At this point, Vinyl's grin sagged into a defeated expression of self-pity.

"That's kinda gonna be a problem, Tavi."

"And why is that?"

Vinyl fidgeted a bit to avoid answering. Then she finally admitted, ""Cause I kinda superglued my shades to my face by accident."

"How on earth did you manage to do that?" Octavia demanded, dropping the sheet music. At this, Vinyl just shrugged helplessly.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time," she said.

Kindness is easier

Hello there.

Don’t be shy.

That’s my job, you see.

I suppose this is the other side of that ‘fourth wall’ Pinkie Pie talks about sometimes. How fascinating.

Oh, how very rude of me. I haven’t even introduced myself. My name is Fluttershy. What’s yours?

...I see. I’m overwhelmingly pleased to make your acquaintance.

Well, not really. But I wouldn’t normally say that out loud. It would be ever so rude.

Between you and me... I don’t particularly like making the acquaintances of other ponies. They’re loud, obnoxious, and they grind away at my sanity like a millstone at flour. Not that I would ever be so unkind as to say that to any of my friends.

I’m a very kind pony, you must understand. It’s required of the Element of Kindness. Being kind, that is. In fact, saying I don’t really like being your friend is probably the most unkind thing I’ve done in ages. Lying to my friends every time they ask me if I care about them is also unkind, but I think it would be unkinder to tell the truth in this situation.

Besides... Kindness is a lot easier than unkindness. Ponies expect you to be nice to them, and they protect you later on. I rarely have to do anything myself. Kindness is its own reward!

It’s much harder to be unkind. To be unkind, you have to be mean.

To be mean, you have to be angry.

To be angry, you have to feel.

And I don’t do much of that.

Yes, I may not be a very caring pony... but I am a very kind one.