Discord Finds Jesus. Literally.

by ocalhoun

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, Discord, Crossover, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 4132

Discord goes looking for a new friend, and he finds one: Jesus.

Tired of waiting for something to happen in the sleepy town of Ponyville, Discord ventures off into the Everfree Forest, looking for some entertainment. He gets more than he bargained for, though, when he finds a visitor from our world, Jesus.

This is probably the only fiction you'll ever find written in the 'first person omniscient' perspective. I'd say it's worth a read just for that!

Many thanks to DeathRiseRobo for proofreading and pointing out the stupid mistakes I made.

Published 2013-09-13 19:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-13 19:10:04 UTC

My Little Jesus: Faith is Magic

A Chance Meeting

Discord stomped his way through a thicket in the Everfree Forest, grumbling to himself as he batted aside branches, vines, and the occasional manticore. He just couldn't stand that dreary town of Ponyville anymore, especially at night.

Ponyville was dull enough during the day, but at night, with everypony sleeping, Discord couldn't stand the place. It wasn't his fault he was the spirit of chaos and never slept! Couldn't somepony stay awake and keep him company? Anypony?

He shook his head. It was no use. Nopony in a sleepy little town like Ponyville could be bothered to stay up and appreciate the night... It was almost enough to make him sympathize with Nightmare Moon. Almost.

So, once again, he found himself trudging through Everfree, searching for at least a little entertainment. He enjoyed his friendship with Fluttershy – he truly did – and he looked forward to every opportunity to visit... until night fell, and everypony went to sleep.

Should he go find that dragon again and pick another fight? He sighed. No, that was too easy, and besides, Celestia – in all her boring wisdom – had ordered him not to. She was scared it would start a war or something. At least a war would bring a little excitement to the place!

He glanced over at the old, ruined castle on his left. Far back in the past, it had been quite the lively place, especially during the days of his rule. There had been lots of wars in his day – much more exciting. He let his eyes pass through the planes of time and space, looking directly at the castle as it once was, the magnificent streamers of purple spaghetti, the hippos singing in the moat, the swirls of colors floating towards him...

Wait. No. That wasn't right. There shouldn't be–

I continued floating toward Discord, aware of his slight confusion. I knew he would be glad to have the company though.

With a flash, I entered into Discord's world. “Fear not, Discord, for I have come.” I stood with my arms outstretched in welcome, the halo of my entry into this world still slowly fading behind me.

Discord didn't know what to think. For once, he had been taken completely by surprise. “Do I know you?”

“You do not know me, Discord, but I know you. I am Jesus of Nazareth, and I have been sent here by my Father to... keep you company.”

“Who?”

“My Father, the creator, the alpha and omega, the–”

“No, who are you, again?” Discord stared at me a few moments longer, baffled by my strange – to him – shape. “And what are you?”

“I am Jesus, the son of man and the son of God. No one comes to the Father except through me. I am the light and the word, the–”

“Okay, okay.” He was becoming a little fed up with my speech, now that he was coming to grips with the situation. “And you're here to... keep me company?”

“My Father sent me here, at the request of one of his friends.”

Discord shrugged his shoulders. He had seen – and created – stranger things. “So, I suppose I should introduce you to this world... You don't seem to be from around here.” He swept a lion-pawed arm at the forest around him. “This is the–”

“Everfree Forest,” I finished for him.

“Ah, right. Just outside of it is the kingdom of–”

“Equestria, and the town of Ponyville.”

Discord's eyes narrowed, and his paw drooped down. “How do you know all that?”

“I know everything.”

He shook his head. “Well, anyway, just on the border of the forest is–”

“Fluttershy's cottage. You want to introduce me, but we need to get there before the sun rises, or she'll be too busy tending to her animals.”

Discord shuddered. “Could you... not do that?” He acknowledged that I knew everything, but these interruptions were beginning to get under his skin.

“Of course,” I assured him. “Come, let us walk.” I began walking towards Fluttershy's cottage, carefully stepping around the poison joke flowers.

Discord was slightly annoyed, actually, that I knew where the cottage was without his help, but he followed along just the same.

An Unexpected Tea Party

I walked down the well-packed dirt path to Fluttershy's cottage, careful not to crush any of the small creatures running around with my sandals.

Discord was still needlessly informing me of the intricacies of life in Equestria. “... which is where the elements of harmony are kept.” He leaned in towards me, glanced back and forth, and cupped a clawed hand over his mouth. “Believe me, you do not want to run afoul of those.”

I smiled, remembering the multiple times this spirit of chaos had been turned to stone by them. “No, indeed not, my brother.” Fluttershy's cottage stood only a stone's throw away now. “We have arrived, and the sun has only now begun to rise.”

“Good, good,” Discord said, “She should just be waking up now.”

Fluttershy had, in fact, been up for several minutes already, since the coughing of a sick field mouse woke her up slightly early today.

With a flash, Discord teleported to the door of the cottage. “Come in, and make yourself at home!” Poking his head inside, he called out, “Fluttershy, I'm back, and I brought a new friend!”

Fluttershy trotted to the door and blinked in the bright sunlight. “Discord? Who is–” The moment she saw me, she shrieked. “What is that?”

“Oh, goodness, Fluttershy, it's just Jesus. He came from...” He trailed off, at a loss. “Where do you come from, anyway?”

I smiled, mildly amused that it was going to take this long for him to ask. “I come from a different plane of existence called–”

“It can talk?” Fluttershy's level of fear was reaching a critical point, so I thought I should try to comfort her.

I stepped toward her, holding my arms out for a comforting hug.

She screamed, a squeaky, piercing sound. Before I could do anything more, she rushed off in a pink and yellow blur, down the path into the town.

Slowly, I let my arms drop back down.

“Well,” Discord sighed, “that didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped.” He shrugged. “I'm sure she'll be back. Care for some tea in the meantime?”

The Showdown

Applejack kicked down the door to Fluttershy's cottage, sending splinters everywhere and nearly startling Discord into spilling his tea. Fortunately, he was able to send the errant liquid back into his tiny, floral print teacup with a snap of his fingers. All-knowing as I was, I wasn't able to be startled. It was a shame, really. I would have liked to know what it was like.

As soon as the dust from the door settled, Twilight Sparkle teleported in, the tiara of her element already on her head. Her five friends, including a still-reluctant Fluttershy, rushed in behind her, each with a glittering necklace.

“What have you done now, Discord?” Twilight roared, her horn already glowing.

The two of us just stared at her. I took the opportunity to take another sip of tea. Fluttershy definitely had good taste in tea; this jasmine-peach was some of the best I'd ever had.

Discord let the silence stretch on just long enough to become awkward before he answered, “I just brought in a new friend for a visit, that's all.” He took another sip of his own tea.

Rainbow Dash covered her face with her hooves. “Oh, jeez–”

I answered her before she even finished. “Yes, Rainbow Dash?”

“Huh?” She shook her head. “I wasn't talking to you.”

“You spoke to me by name,” I insisted.

“Discord,” Twilight growled, her horn no longer glowing, but her voice still full of menace, “what's going on here?”

Discord sighed, then gestured to me with an eagle-clawed hand. “Everypony, I'd like you to meet Jesus. Jesus, everypony... I'm sure you already know their names.”

“Of course,” I said, “and thank you.” I rose to make my introductions, and tossed my half-eaten apple to the floor.

“Good gracious, how uncouth!” Rarity stepped back and cast an accusatory glance at Discord. “How could you bring something like this here? What, was he born in a barn or something?”

I self-consciously smoothed down the back of my hair. “Well, actually–”

“Well, I never!” Discord crossed his arms as he rose from the table. “This is hardly how I would expect ponies so well versed in the magic of friendship”– He made little air quotes with his fingers. –“to greet a new friend of mine!” He walked to the door, magically shoving ponies aside to clear the way. “Come on, Jesus, we're leaving. Maybe we can talk to these ponies later, when they've come to their senses.”

With an apologetic shrug, I followed him.

A Friendly Competition

Discord finally stopped grumbling about the rude treatment from his friend's friends as we passed by the lake just outside Ponyville. He looked over at me. “So, what's with that pokey crown?”

I shook my head. “Ah, that one was my Father's idea. I didn't care for it much at first, but you know, you actually get used to it after a while.”

“And the holes in your hands?”

I gave him a dark chuckle. “It's a long story, my friend... but the moral of it is, 'never forget the safe word'.”

He recoiled, and I laughed at the thoughts that ran around his head from that.

“No, no.” I laughed again. Discord was the most fun I'd had in ages. “Not really. It is a long story, though. Mostly it was so that my Father could forgive the sinners of my world.”

Discord shook his head. “I don't care what it was for, I wouldn't let anypony do that to me!”

“Are you sure you could stop them?” I thought back to that day... it was pretty traumatizing, still.

“I'm the great Discord! Nopony tells me what to do!”

I stopped walking. “There's always a greater power, Discord. There is even one greater than I, and I am the very son of God.”

“Hey.” Discord turned back to me, holding his arms akimbo. “I'm the spirit of chaos! I've been feared and respected across Equestria for over a thousand years!”

I rolled my eyes. “Two thousand years ago, I started a fishing club with just twelve members, and now it's the biggest, most powerful organization in the world. So what?”

Discord huffed. “I'll have you know, I'm the most powerful being in all of Equestria! I created a huge storm front of cotton candy clouds out of nothing.”

I shrugged. “I once calmed a terrible storm with only a word.”

“I made it rain chocolate milk!”

“And I turned water into wine.”

“Mind control!”

“Raised the dead!”

Discord's eyes narrowed, and he glared at me.

I matched his expression. “Very well, Discord. Shall we?”

“A magic duel it is,” the draconequus agreed. He was eager to reassert his position as the most powerful magic user in this land.

A bunch of ponies began to take notice of us, and they all gathered around. Good. It would be nice to have an audience for this.

I grinned. My Father would disapprove of such self-aggrandizement in Our world, but here, I could afford to indulge. “Very well.” I glanced at the crowd that had begun to form around us. “Does anyone here have a packed lunch?”

The ponies all glanced at each other for a moment. Soon though, the pony in the back spoke up, just as I knew she would. “Um, I do.”

“Come forth, Derpy Hooves.”

A little unsure of herself, Derpy flew up and over the crowd, landing next to me.

“Will you give unto me your lunch?”

“Um...” Derpy glanced back and forth, between me, Discord, and the crowd. “I guess.”

Being sure to show my gratitude to the grey pegasus, I picked up the brown paper bag that contained her lunch, removing the muffin and two bananas that rested inside. I handed them to the –rather confused – pegasus in front of me, and then walked over to the crowd, holding what should have been an empty paper bag.

“Would anyone else care for some?” I asked.

Hesitantly, another mare stepped forward from the crowd, a purple and violet unicorn named Sea Swirl. Timidly, she stepped up to me and looked into the bag as I held it open. Seeing what was inside, she smiled and used her magic to levitate another muffin and another two bananas out of the bag. Happy to have her unexpected boon, she trotted back to her place in the crowd.

Before long, I had a long line of ponies waiting to get their share of the free lunch. Each one trotted away happily with their own blueberry muffin and pair of bananas.

After every pony had taken their fill – some more than once – and the line finally dwindled down to nothing, I turned back to Discord triumphantly, handing the still-full bag back to the little grey mare I had borrowed it from.

Discord smirked at me. “Is that all you've got?” He snapped his fingers, and a glass of cold chocolate milk suddenly appeared next to each and every pony present. “They deserve to have something to wash that down with, don't you think?”

I reached down and picked up the glass of milk next to my own feet, and took a nice long sip. No reason to let it go to waste after all.

Next to me, Derpy Hooves happily munched on her extra muffin.

“Derpy Hooves?”

She looked up at me, each eye trailing off in a different direction.

I laid my hand on her head. “Go forth, and let your eyes trouble you no more.”

She blinked a couple times, and suddenly, her eyes focused together. For the first time in her life, she could see normally.

Discord walked up to me, clapping as he went, each clap making a different random sound. “Very good, very good.” He leaned in close and whispered into my ear, “But watch this!” He snapped his fingers again, and with a flash, Derpy Hooves suddenly had a magic horn to go with her wings.

She gasped, looking up at her horn in awe. Before either of us could do anything about it, she swept us both up into a hug.

A brown and black stallion at the edge of the crowd called out, “Come along, Hooves! It's time to go!”

Derpy glanced over to him. “Okay!” With a yellow flash, she teleported right up next to him, sending him reeling back.

“That's new,” he said, as soon as he recovered. “Oh well, come on! We've only got fourteen minutes until the rift collapses!”

As the two ran off, I turned to Discord. “Good one. But I am not to be outdone.” Slowly and regally, I walked to the shore of the lake. As the water began to lap at my toes, I slipped off my sandals.

I stepped out onto the water, quickly walking far out into the lake to make a good display of how easy it was. Once there, though, I noticed a slight problem. The water of the lake was steadily flowing up through the holes in my feet! Within moments, I sank down to my shoulders in the water.

I began thrashing frantically. “Help!” I cried out, “I can't swim!”

Suddenly, Discord was next to me, skating along the surface in water skis, being pulled along by a rope attached to nothing. “Need a hand?” He asked, sweeping past me and holding his lion paw out.

I grabbed the paw and let Discord's momentum yank me out of the water.

As I sat, catching my wind and drying out on the shore, Discord walked up in front of me, wearing the smuggest grin I had ever seen.

“Ugh,” I groaned. “The last time I tried that, I didn't have holes in my feet.”

“Don't worry about it. We all make mistakes sometimes.” Discord's grin grew even smugger. He sat down, and a throne materialized underneath him just in time. Big neon lights spelling out 'WINNER' flashed above the throne. “Well, Jesus, are you ready to admit defeat?”

I wasn't about to be defeated so easily. I was the only begotten son of the all-powerful God of the universe, after all. Rising to my knees, I began to pray. “My Father in Heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Please come and show unto this Discord your full glory and majesty. Amen.”

Immediately, the clouds parted across the entire sky, and everything stood silent in comparison from the booming voice that called out from the blinding light flaring from above. “THIS IS MY SON, IN WHOM I AM WELL PLEASED.”

As the clouds rolled back together and the glory of my Father vanished from the sky, everyone's mouths hung open. This was more than anyone there had ever seen.

Discord was the first to recover. The neon lights above his throne vanished, and he held out his hand. “Shall we call it a draw?”

After considering it for a moment, I decided that would be fine. “Agreed,” I said, rising and resuming my walk toward Ponyville. “Come, let us put our differences behind us and enter the town.”

A Petrifying Discovery

“Oh, and that's Sugar Cube Corner. You have got to try their apple cupcakes! Come on, let's get some.”

I shook my head as I followed Discord around town. He sure was proud of the place, though he did tend to make a lot of 'back when I had made it the chaos capital of the world...' statements.

I headed for the door to the sweetshop. Discord was already holding it open. Next to the door though, I saw a couple mares sitting at a table just outside, each with a smoothie. They were Lyra and Bon Bon, I knew, and they were... No!

I stopped dead in my tracks. To have something so vile going on right in front of me, I couldn't stand it.

Discord craned his neck toward me, still holding the door open. “What's the matter, Jesus, come on! They just brought out a fresh batch!”

The two mares hadn't noticed me yet. As I watched, they kissed each other briefly, each of them blushing a little afterwards.

I stormed up to their table, demanding their attention. “It is written,” I proclaimed, “for a woman to lie with another woman as with a man is disgusting unto God and a sin!”

“A wo– what?” Bon Bon asked.

“A 'woman'.” Lyra draped a hoof over her marefriend's back. “It's what they call a female human.” She grinned up at me. “And look, there's a male one! I told you they exist!”

“I am no mere man!” I raised my arms up and let my voice grow to a thunderous boom. “I am half man, half God!” I lowered an arm to point at the two mares. “And what you two do is an affront to God! You must stop at once, and repent!”

“Stop what?” Lyra asked.

Bon Bon stomped a hoof onto the table. “He means we have to break up.”

“What?” Lyra jumped up to her feet. “No! I'm never giving up my Bon Bon!”

“You must!” I insisted, “Or you will be cast into the lake of fire to suffer for all eternity!”

Our argument dropped off, though, as the sky was suddenly covered in roiling black clouds. The clouds swirled around over our heads, lightning flashed, and the wind blew leaves and twigs all over us as we all stared at the sky in awe. Slowly, a circular gap grew in the middle of the clouds. As soon as it reached all the way through, the sun shone in brightly, nearly blinding us all.

Against the glare of the sun, I could see a silhouette of a chariot being drawn by four pegasi in armor. And though no one could see through the glare to find out who rode on it, I already knew. It was Princess Celestia and Princess Luna.

With a couple more flashes of lightning, the huge chariot parked just above our heads, and the two alicorns glided down to the ground on their wings.

“Discord,” Princess Celestia called out, “What is the meaning of this?”

Again, a crowd gathered around us. Fluttershy and her five friends were among them, still wearing their necklaces.

“The meaning of what?” Discord shrugged. “I'm just showing my new friend around town.”

“Ah, yes, the 'new friend' Twilight Sparkle wrote of.” Princess Luna glared at me out of the corner of her eye. “Who is he?”

“He's just a friend, Lulu.” Discord waved a paw at me dismissively. “His name is Jesus, and I met him out in the Everfree Forest last night. That's all.”

Princess Luna's eye twitched. “We told thou not to call us that!”

“Sister.” Princess Celestia laid a hoof on her.

With a sigh, Princess Luna calmed and silenced herself.

“Twilight Sparkle wrote to me of your new friend, and his odd behavior. We've come to make sure he's not a threat.”

“Oh, he's not bad.” Discord laughed. He touched a claw to his chin. “He was just yelling at a couple ponies though.”

“He said we were disgusting!” Lyra shouted.

“And he threatened to throw us in a lake of fire!” Bon Bon added.

Princess Celestia whirled to face me. “Is this true?”

My heart raced, but there were some things I just could not put up with. “These two mares are together as only a mare and stallion are meant to be. It is an affront to all things holy!”

One eyebrow rose on Celestia's face. “These two mares are married. I performed the ceremony myself. This is perfectly accepted in Equestria.”

“This is wrong!” I insisted, “And an affront unto my Father! It must be stopped.”

“Your father?” she asked.

“My Father, God. The Alpha and the Omega, King of Kings, and Lord of all creation!”

“He has no authority here,” the princess answered. “Here, we worship the Invisible Pink Unicorn, and She has no quarrel with pairings such as Lyra and Bon Bon's.”

“Then I will have to strike down this false idol, and return this place to the one true God.” I slammed my arms against my sides in rage. “I will not hear Him denied after what he has done for everyone! All who deny my Father are doomed to eternal death. Only through Him – and through Me – can they have eternal life!”

Princess Celestia just turned and made eye contact with Twilight Sparkle. The princess's head made one sharp nod, and Twilight nodded in return.

With a few quick steps, the bearers of all six elements of harmony stepped out from the crowd.

“Ready girls?” Twilight asked.

No audible answer came, but the gems in all of their necklaces began to glow. Twilight closed her eyes, and when she opened them again, the eyes of all six glowed.

I knew what was happening. It couldn't be! I had a very important appointment back in my world! I had to get back to–

Streaks of six different colors shot out from the necklaces wrapping around me and merging into a single rainbow.

I held my arms up in a futile effort to stop it, but I was too late. Already, my legs had turned to stone, and it was quickly working its way up my body. Before I could so much as scream, the stone enveloped me entirely. I was trapped.

Slowly, my petrified body lost its balance and tipped over backwards, landing with a thud on the ground in front of the sweet shop.

As Twilight and her five friends recovered from their attack on me, the two princesses used their magic to clear the sky of the foreboding dark clouds they had rolled in.

“Thank you, Twilight Sparkle,” Princess Celestia said. “Equestria is lucky to have protectors like you.”

Twilight smiled and blushed a little. “Any time, Princess.”

“And you, Discord...” Celestia's voice dropped to a threatening almost-growl. “You be careful who and what you bring back from the Everfree Forest next time.” She turned to me where I laid staring up into the sky with my stony eyes, and she called up to the ponies pulling her chariot, “Have this taken to my sculpture garden. I've been meaning to fill up that blank space ever since Discord left.”

The End?

Author's Note

And that, my friends, is why Jesus's second coming has been so delayed.