Look Out, Ponyville! Buck Cake's coming!
"Mail's here, honey muffin!" Cup Cake called, weaving in between the tables to where her husband was rearranging the baked treats in the display counter. It was mid-morning, well between the breakfast and lunch rushes, and even though Sugar Cube Corner could be counted on to have customers at any given time of day, the shop was actually empty at the moment. Pinkie Pie had run out to deliver a special batch of cupcakes to the elementary school for a surprise birthday party the Cutie Mark Crusaders had put together for Cheerilee. The twins were contentedly asleep upstairs. It was peaceful, quiet, and dull, but the Cakes didn't mind, because those precious, quiet moments were so few and far between that they were to be cherished.
Cup dropped a stack of letters and catalogs on the counter. Carrot looked up from his sorting task to go through the mail. "Bill...bill...junk...junk...letter from Buck..."
He froze suddenly, staring at that last item as though it were a venomous snake. Cup also tensed up. "Did...you just say..."
Cup trotted to stand beside her husband. The two of them stared at the seemingly innocuous envelope on the counter. It read, in simple, coarse handwriting:
FROM: Buck Cake
TO: Carrot Cake
They glanced at each other, worried and nauseated looks on their faces. Grimacing, Carrot gingerly opened the envelope and withdrew the letter.
Hey bro,
Thought I'd come for a visit, maybe stay in town a couple days.
I'll be there Saturday. Seeya soon!
-Buck
Cup reared, whinnying in terror. "HERE?! Buck's coming HERE?! TOMORROW?!" She rounded on her husband, horrified fury in her eyes. "The restraining order! Carrot, the restraining order!"
Carrot flinched. "It...it expired Monday," he said. "Renewing it was on my to-do list, I swear, I just...!"
Cup threw back her head and screamed. "We're ruined! RUINED!"
"Now, now, dear..." Carrot laughed nervously. "Maybe...maybe he's...changed?"
Cup glared fiercely at him.
"You're right, we're doomed." With a sigh, Carrot shoved the letter into the wastepaper basket, then dropped a lit match into it. He went to the bathroom to scrub his hooves, while Cup vigorously wiped down the counter with bleach.
There was no stopping it. Buck Cake was coming to Ponyville. They had to be ready. And they only had one day to get their affairs in order.
By Saturday night, the Cake family would no longer be welcome in Ponyville.
* * * * *
That evening, the Cakes sat Pinkie down for a serious discussion.
Yeah, they forgot who they were dealing with.
"Pinkie," Carrot began seriously, "we have a problem."
"A problem?" Pinkie echoed, tilting her head curiously. "What kind of a problem? Is it a word problem? A logic problem? A logistics problem? An electrical problem? A credit problem? A gambling problem? A drinking problem? A—"
Cup sat on Pinkie's face to shut her up.
"My brother Buck is coming to town tomorrow," Carrot said. "And—"
Cup found herself splayed across the ceiling as Pinkie erupted from beneath her, bouncing up and down on her hooves. "Oh! Oh! You should've told me sooner! I'll have to pull an all-nighter planning his welcome party! And it'll take me all day to invite everypony is he coming by airship or train when's he arriving what's his favorite—"
Cup wrapped Pinkie's muzzle in duct tape.
"We are NOT welcoming Buck to Ponyville," Carrot said sternly. "In fact, Buck is decidedly NOT welcome here or anywhere else."
Pinkie cut the tape off her muzzle. "WHAT?!" she gasped indignantly. "How can you say that? Everypony's welcome in Ponyville! Even not-nice grumpy-pantses like Gilda and Trixie are welcome in Ponyville, heck we even let Discord back in, and this is your own brother so how could he not—"
Cup shoved a hoofful of super-sticky taffy in Pinkie's mouth.
"Will you just LISTEN?!" Carrot snapped. "Buck has a...problem. It's so bad that Pops disowned him, Mama left Equestria to get away from him, and I've kept a restraining order against him since before I was married. But he doesn't seem to understand that, well...we just don't want him around. And my restraining order expired the other day, and I forgot to renew it, so...he's decided to come for a visit."
Pinkie pulled a tape recorder out of her mane and pressed play. //A restraining order? Against your own brother? That's awful! What's so bad about this pony, anyway?//
Carrot blinked at the tape recorder, but sighed. "Well, you see..."
* * * * *
A stallion trotted into town by way of one of the carriage roads. It was rare for travellers to come into town on hoof, but not unheard of. As he trotted onto a busy thoroughfare, his appearance drew a great deal of attention.
His coat was a dull reddish-orange, and his long, tangled mane was bright copper. His tail was a mere nub. He had an angular, protruding lower jaw and a gangly build. His striking resemblance to the beloved local baker, Carrot Cake, was noticed by a few ponies.
Most of the ponies present, however, weren't paying attention to his face, distracted as they were by his unsheathed penis, which swung back and forth like a pendulum as he walked.
"Ohmygod! Like, EWW! Dis-gusting!"
"What a sicko!"
"Mommy? Is that stallion okay?"
"Don't look at him! Hey, you! How dare you...in public...there are children out here!"
The unsheathed stallion turned to face the pony who was scolding him, a mare with an apricot coat and honey-brown mane. She was shielding the eyes of a small brown colt who wore a propeller beanie. "Huh? What's the matter, ma'am?" he asked. As he turned, a gout of semen burst forth from his member, splattering the mare's hooves.
Several ponies, including the afflicted mare, screamed. The unicorns present began pelting the perverse pony with every small, loose, heavy object they could find. He reared in alarm, whinnying; a fresh spray of cum streamed into the angry mob, hitting several ponies as he turned to gallop off into the heart of town.
"AFTER HIM!!" the cum-splattered mares screamed. The mob gave chase, sans the initial victim, who made a disgusted sound as she studied her hooves. "Come along, Button, Mommy needs to go home and take seven or eight long baths..."
* * * * *
"So what time does this brother of yours' train arrive?" Pinkie asked.
Carrot shook his head. "Buck won't be coming by train," he said. "Or airship, or even stagecoach or wagon. He's been banned from using pretty much every commercial mode of transportation in Equestria."
Pinkie frowned. "Well, yeah...I guess I can understand why..." She rubbed her chin with a hoof. "So he's just coming on the town by hoof? Err, I mean coming into town by hoof?"
"Pretty much. Which means there's no way of knowing which coach road he'll use to get here."
Pinkie's ears flattened. "Oh boy...this is bad. There's like, fifty hundred bamillion coach roads into Ponyville!"
"There's eight," Cup said flatly.
"But we don't know what time he's getting here, or which way he's coming from, so it might as WELL be fifty hundred bamillion!" Pinkie said, trotting in place as though she needed to pee badly. "We've gotta find him before he runs into somepony!"
"More like runs onto somepony," Carrot muttered.
* * * * *
Buck collided with a beautiful unicorn mare with a pristine white coat and an elegant purple mane. "Oh, sorry about that, miss," he said.
The unicorn shook her head as she got to her hooves. "No, it's alright, no harm doooOOOOOOHMY." She blinked furiously, eyes wide and pupils shrunken to pinpricks. "Honestly, sir, one should not display oneself so openly in public!" Her cheeks turned red. "I mean, I...I'm flattered, really, but I simply cannot condone a stallion who—"
Half a gallon of semen coated her mane and face, quite a bit getting into her mouth.
"Whoops, sorry there, ma'am. Where might I find the Cakes' place?"
The mare listlessly pointed a hoof toward the main street of Ponyville.
"Thanks." Buck ran off, tiny splashes of cum flinging this way and that from his dangling member.
"What...what just happened?" Rarity asked tonelessly after expectorating the unexpected.
* * * * *
The Cutie Mark Crusaders were sitting at one of Ponyville's many outdoor cafes, sipping sodas and watching the townsponies go about their business, hoping for something to happen that would inspire them in their quest for their Cutie Marks.
A stallion cantered past. Sweetie Belle's eyes widened as she saw him. "Oh, that is SO not right," she said.
"Whut ain't?" Apple Bloom asked, following her gaze. "Huh. Why's that pony got five legs?"
Scootaloo's eyes nearly fell out of her head. "That isn't a leg! That isn't a leg at all!"
"Then whut is it?" Apple Bloom asked, blinking innocently.
The others stared at her. "You're kidding, right?" Scootaloo asked. "The only one of us with a big brother, and you've never seen a stallion with his tallywhacker out?"
"His..." Apple Bloom looked confused for a moment. Then her face turned green. "EWWW!!"
"Whut's wrong, girls?" Applejack said; she had just emerged from the little fillies' room.
"Sis! Look!" Apple Bloom said, pointing.
"Now, Apple Bloom, it ain't polite...ta...point...whoa nelly." She frowned as she adjusted her hat. "Scuse me, girls, Ah gotta go learn somepony some manners."
The Crusaders watched as an angry Applejack marched up to the pervert and proceeded to lecture him. Abruptly, she stopped; a moment later, she kicked him so hard in the side the fillies thought they heard ribs snap. He whinnied and cantered off in a different direction.
Applejack walked back over to them, posture stiff and angry.
"Whut happened?" Apple Bloom asked.
As the mare approached, they saw that her face was covered in a thick, white, sticky mess. "Ah'd rather not talk about it," Applejack said. "Now if'n y'all'll excuse me, Ah gotta go wash my face..."
* * * * *
Fluttershy was trying to coax a scared mouse out of a storm drain when something smacked hard against her flank. She felt a warm wetness seeping through her coat at the point of impact. She toppled over; when she looked up, she saw a stallion standing over her. "Sorry, miss. You okay?"
"Oh, yes, I..." Fluttershy's gaze trailed to the stallion's dangling member.
She then glanced back at her flank, and knew instantly from her long experience with animal mating season what was smeared all over her cutie mark.
"HELP! RAPE! SOMEPONY HELP! I'VE BEEN RAPED!" Fluttershy screamed, rising into the air.
Heads popped out of doors and windows all up and down the street. A dozen ponies saw the stallion with his penis fully on display.
A dozen pairs of eyes narrowed.
Buck Cake found himself on the run again.
* * * * *
Berry Punch staggered out of the bar, feeling no pain. "That was the best fifteen rum and cherry colas I've ever had!"
She was knocked to the ground by a penis that laid down a gross white stream all along her side.
She blinked. "Whoa, is it Tuesday already?"
* * * * *
"It sure is noisy out today," Spike said as he shelved books.
"Yes, it is...I wonder what's going on?"
The library door flew open. "Twi! Come quick!" Applejack yelled.
"What's up, Applejack?" the unicorn replied.
"There's some kinda sick pervert runnin' around flappin' his no-no an' jizzin' all over everything an' everypony!"
Twilight spluttered. "WHAT?!"
"Come on, no time to waste, we gotta lasso this looney!"
Twilight shuddered. "Um...sh-shouldn't we leave this sort of thing to the stallions in town? I mean..."
Applejack rolled her eyes. "All what, four of 'em? Besides, you're th' most powerful unicorn in Ponyville, you can corral this creep pronto!"
Twilight sighed. "Alright, just lead the way..."
Half a block from the library, they ran into Rarity, who looked positively furious. And who was still wearing the evidence of her encounter with the wild stallion. "Rarity?" Twilight asked. "Um, you've got a little something...on your...face..."
"No. Really? I hadn't noticed," Rarity said acidly. "Did you happen to see which way a certain ill-mannered ruffian went? Because as soon as I find him, I intend to introduce him to my oldest, dullest, rustiest pair of fabric shears..."
"Hey now, he got me too," Applejack said, "but Ah ain't gonna maim th' idjit. Ah just wanna hogtie 'im an' turn 'im over t' th' proper authorities."
"Oh, really? Because the vile mess he shot down my throat says Opalescence's claws are the proper authorities!"
"Calm DOWN, girls!" Twilight shouted. "We can argue about what to do with this guy once we actually find and catch him! Now, which way did he..."
"TWILIGHT!" Rainbow Dash called from above. "Come quick! Fluttershy's been attacked!"
The three mares nodded at one another and charged off after the pegasus.
* * * * *
Vinyl Scratch was leaving her favorite record store, several sweet new albums tucked away in her saddlebags. No sooner had her eyes adjusted to the outside light, a stallion's penis smacked her right in the face, depositing thick gobs of semen on her sunglasses.
She blinked. "Whoa, is it Tuesday already?"
* * * * *
Twilight, Rarity, and Applejack found Pinkie cleaning and consoling a shaking and sobbing Fluttershy. "What happened?" Twilight asked.
"Some disguting creep raped her!" a bystander said, scowling.
Twilight's eyes narrowed. "Is that true?"
"Not exactly," Pinkie said.
Fluttershy looked up, eyes gushing, at Twilight. "I-I d-don't think he actually p-put it in me," she said, sniffling. "I just f-felt it h-hit my f-flank, then I l-looked back and...and his...stuff w-was all over m-me..."
"Yeah I think that pretty much still counts as rape," Twilight said, anger and disgust in her voice.
"Again, not exactly," Pinkie said.
The others turned to look at her. "What do you mean 'not exactly'?" Applejack asked. "An' jes' so you know, this guy got me an' Rarity too."
Pinkie sighed. "Yeah, I thought that might happen. I didn't have time to warn you girls...I'm sorry."
The others blinked at her. "Warn us? About what?"
"Don't tell me you have a Pinkie Sense combo for 'random pervert spooging all over ponies in public'," Twilight muttered.
"Not that I know of," Pinkie said. "But if I did, I wouldn't need it to warn you about Mr. Cake's brother Buck."
"Buck?" Rarity asked.
"Uh-huh," Pinkie said. "Mr. Cake got a letter yesterday from his brother, Buck Cake, saying he was coming into town for a visit. Ever since early this morning we've been trying to figure out which road he'd come into town on so we could catch him and get rid of him before anything like THIS happened." She sighed. "I guess we were staking out the wrong roads."
Rarity frowned. "This...'Buck'...he's some sort of disgusting sex maniac?"
"Oh, no no no," Pinkie said. "It's just...he was born with a permanently unsheathed, erect penis. They tried everything when he was little, short of gelding him, but the doctors just couldn't do anything about it. And then, as he got older, well..."
"His Cutie Mark appeared," the calm, tired voice of Carrot Cake continued as the baker trotted up. "Ever since then, he's been ejaculating uncontrollably everywhere he goes." He sighed. "There just wasn't anything we could do, and he was giving the Cake family a really bad name, so Pops disowned him and kicked him out. Ever since then, our family sort of fell apart. I've had a restraining order against him for years. He isn't supposed to come within twenty miles of me or my family." He looked away. "I feel awful about doing that to my own brother, but...well..." He gestured helplessly at the chaos around him. "You see what's already happened, and he couldn't have gotten here more than an hour ago."
"It really isn't his fault," Pinkie said, uncharacteristic sadness in her voice. "I mean, it sounds like he's a genuinely nice pony. He's just..." She shrugged. "Socially unacceptable and a total pariah because he can't even have a chat with somepony without jizzing all over them."
"That...would tend to make socialization awkward," Rarity said, a nauseated expression on her face.
"But he just doesn't understand that nopony wants him around," Carrot said helplessly. "I'm awful sorry about the mess he's caused..." He sighed. "I guess me and Cup and the babies will have to pack up and leave Ponyville."
"Leave Ponyville? Certainly not!" Rarity said. "You can hardly be held accountable for the misfortunes of your brother."
"Yeah, don't fret none, t'ain't yer fault," Applejack agreed. "Ah mean sure, we're all a peck grossed out, an' Fluttershy an' the Cutie Mark Crusaders are gonna need years'a therapy after all this, but..."
"I just wish we knew somewhere we could send my brother where his...condition...wouldn't bother anyone," Carrot said, sighing.
"I might just be able to help with that," a melodious voice interrupted.
Everypony turned to see Princess Celestia gliding up the street, studiously avoiding allowing any part of her body to touch any of Buck Cake's leavings. "Princess Celestia!" Twilight cried.
"Spike sent me a letter as soon as you left the library," Celestia said. "I regret that at the moment, my guards are pursuing Buck Cake with orders to subdue with all necessary force," she added. "Had I known the whole situation, I would not have issued such an order..."
"Your Majesty," Carrot said, "you can send Buck someplace where he won't disturb anypony?"
"Indeed I can," Celestia said with a gentle smile. "Be at ease, Carrot Cake. From this point, leave everything to me."
* * * * *
The following morning, as Celestia was finishing her tea and preparing to raise the sun, Princess Luna glided into the uppermost spire of Canterlot Castle which contained the princesses' private breakfast nook. Celestia blinked; Luna looked as though she had spent the night with no fewer than fifteen stallions, and had not yet had the opportunity to take a shower. "Sister? Are you well?" Celestia asked.
Luna turned a bewildered gaze upon her sister. "Did We somehow miss a few days?" she asked. "We get the strangest feeling it is Tuesday..."
Author's Note
Um. So yeah. I wrote something naughty.
I have no excuse to offer for this. Only apologies.
Believe it or not, the entire idea for this came from a moment of random free association brought about by a comic panel of Spike drinking a Starbucks coffee.
Yeah.
For those who don't get the joke, click here (warning: EXTREMELY NSFW). And yeah, it's not pronounced "buck cake", but it's an old, old joke. :P
