Bagels Are Tasty [Collaboration with La Barata]
Complicated. An adjective, referring to a puzzle that is difficult to analyze, understand, explain or solve. An ironically simple word, considering the meaning. Four syllables, eleven letters. Not awfully difficult to spell. Not quite ‘cat’, but not ‘colloquialism’ either. A nice, intermediate word. Its implications, however, can throw a spanner into the works of anypony’s day.
It had all seemed so simple, really: wake up, make breakfast, go over the cue cards, perform one last fact check, then go and deliver the presentation of her life. A simple plan, one that seemed entirely foalproof. It was, Twilight Sparkle mused, vapors from the hissing, roiling cauldron of green, bubbling- well, she couldn’t quite be sure EXACTLY what it was until she was able to run a proper chemical analysis- that she was currently suspended above hissed through the air past her, hardly fair. It was just supposed to be breakfast! And then things got… Complicated.
~~~~~~~~~~Six Hours Earlier~~~~~~~~~~
Photosynthesis, Twilight decided with a nod. Definitely photosynthesis. After countless intrusions in her study sessions, her personal life and her ever decreasing sanity, she was completely and totally sure of her decision. Breakfast, she’d concluded, was an entirely superfluous operation. Photosynthesis was clearly the way of the future. No more wasted time, no more being forced to set aside her precious books to make sure they stayed clean, no more spending all her time waiting for that stupid toaster to pop!
Letting out a frustrated groan, Twilight paced around the table, casting an occasional hate-filled glance at her stainless steel nemesis, currently taunting her with its little blue light. That smug little blue light. That arrogant, smug little light. It was just sitting there, testing her patience, the blue light mocking her, casting its solitary, unblinking glow directly into her pupils. Oh, now you have the nerve to blindme, too? Oh, I swear I’m going to… Twilight’s veneer of calm was rapidly cracking under the appliance’s irritating assault. There was an audible twang as yet another strand of her mane snapped out of place, curling away from her normal, practical manestyle.
“Oooh…! Come on, you stupid toaster! Hurry up! You know I’ve got to get going soon, so stop holding my bagel hostage! I know you’re doing this on purpose, you jerk. You forget who you’re dealing with. To properly apply enough heat to toast a bagel on setting two point five, it takes precisely three minutes! It’s already been nearly three minutes and five seconds!”
She glared at the toaster, its chrome surface reflecting and slightly distorting her face. Scowling, squinting eyes looked back into her own, the jutting upper lip and protruding jaw nearly matching her own. The red glow from the mechanical innards of the metal moron before her, oh so slowly heating her bagel, filled Twilight with a burning rage, the magnitude of which had scarce before been felt on the surface of Equis. So now you’re mocking me, huh? It’s not enough for you to just drag this whole thing out? Now you’ve got the nerve to scowl back at me?
“Oh, that is it. You are SO gonna get it now, you pathetic piece of scrap metal!” Snarling, Twilight reached out with her hoof and smacked the toaster, causing it to slide a few inches across the table. Astonished, she looked at the toaster. “H-how… How did you survive a smack from a princess? You should be on your knees, apologizing for your rude behavior!” A slight stinging sensation made it’s way into her hoof as she rubbed it, trying to make the awkward feeling go away. “And you hurt my hoof too, you ruffian. That metal is a lot harder than I thought it was…”
She shook her head, trying to clear her rage and get her focus back. She was Princess Celestia’s prized pupil turned alicorn; there was no way that a simple toaster oven was going to defeat her. Alright. Plan of attack. I’ll use my magic to stun it, then I’ll wrap it in a magical field and throw it across the room. If it’s still up after that, I’ll cast a destruction spell and- Twilight stopped mid thought, looking at her own angry reflection in the shiny toaster. Now the blue light called to her, making her feel a sense of deep sadness and regret in the pit of her stomach. Twilight trotted over to the toaster’s side with concern in her eyes.
“O-oh my gosh! I’m so sorry for hitting you, toaster, I was just… You see, I’m kind of in a hurry today. I’m sorry for being so mad at you and all, but I’ve got this big presentation I need to be at in about an hour and I really need to leave pretty soon. I’m giving a lecture on basic grammar to the children at Ponyville Elementary. Surely you of all people understand the importance of grammar. You do, don’t you?” No response came from the toaster.
“Look… I’m really sorry about hitting you and getting mad, okay? Can you just please cook my bagel a little bit faster? I might be late if this takes any longer, and that cannot happen. I’m Twilight Sparkle for Celestia’s sake! I can’t be late! Do you know what that would do to my image? I’d be the laughing stock princess of all of Equestria! I can imagine the headlines now… ‘Twilight Sparkle, stumped by simple cooking instrument.’ So can you just throw me a bone here?”
The toaster still offered her no response. It’s ever reflective surface showed her the disheveled mane, bloodshot eyes, and desperate smile she was wearing. Great, Twilight. You’re going off the deep end again. Look at you! You’re begging a toaster to help you by cooking faster. A toaster! You’ve just got to calm down and assess the situation. I’m sure there’s some reason it’s not done yet. Twilight circled around the toaster, eyeing every inch of it for a problem or malfunction.
“It’s not the plug obviously, or it wouldn’t be heating up in the first place. Did I press the dial down all the way?” Twilight peeked around to observe the front of the toaster, only to see that she had indeed pressed it down. “Hm… What else could it be? Is something wrong with the inside, or-” Twilight stopped herself mid sentence with a facehoof. It was so simple. Such an easily overlooked thing, and if she was right… She peeked around and looked at the temperature dial on the side of the toaster. Sure enough, the blue dial was pointed directly to three and a half. Twilight’s eyes shot open wider than a clown’s mouth with an equally exceptional look of disbelief.
“Spike! How many times have I told you not to touch things without my permission? Well?” She looked at the top of the stairs, expecting the little purple dragon to appear at any moment. He didn’t come. “Spike! I’ve told you not to use the toaster without telling me so that things like this wouldn’t happen! I know you like your toast burnt, but I. Do. Not!” Her nostrils were flared in anger and her horn was pointed at the stairway, awaiting the moment that the dragon would round the corner so that she could grasp him with her magic to prevent his escape.
Still no response came from the upstairs bedroom. A thought shoved its way into the forefront of her mind, practically plastering itself over her eyeballs. Wait a minute. Spike was supposed to go over to Rarity’s this morning to help her collect gems. Oh, darn it. I forgot all about that! That’s why he used the toaster! He was hungry and he needed to make a quick breakfast… She felt a slight regret at being so initially angry at him. She was the one who had forgotten and forgotten to tell him about her meeting today. Me? Forgetting? The stress of this really is getting to me.
Shaking her head, Twilight returned to the kitchen. Fetching another bagel, she faced her nemesis once more. “Right… I don’t like you, and you don’t like me. Let’s just get me fed, and you won’t have to deal with me for the rest of the day, alright? Ugh, look at me. I’m arguing with a kitchen appliance.” Grumbling, Twilight once again neatly sliced the bagel before sliding it into the proper receptacle. Running a hoof through her mane, she let out a little sigh. “There… Setting two point five. Three minutes. Three. Once this is over with, I can get on with my day, and then I can-” It was at this moment that the bane of her existence chose to launch the smoking remains of what had once been her bagel square into her face.
She blinked once.
Twang.
Grabbing the bag, she ripped a bagel from it before hurling it back into the breadbox with enough force to reduce the remaining food to a small, doughy lump. Facing off once again against the metal menace looming across the kitchen from her, she narrowed her eyes.
“Make. MY. BREAKFAST!”
Seized with the fury of a thousand warlords, Twilight proceeded to cram the entire bagel into the poor toaster’s slot, entirely disregarding the appliance’s structural integrity and completely voiding the manufacturer’s warrantee. With a groan of stressed metal and a slight bulge, the toaster reluctantly accepted it... Or so it seemed.
As Twilight turned away, satisfied with her progress, she heard a slow creeeeak of stressed metal. She paused a moment, then shook her head. “Dumb thing… Why can’t it just behave?” Trotting over to the refrigerator, she opened the door and poked her head inside, pondering on which jam to have on her nice, warm, properly toasted bagel. A pity, really. If she’d only looked up five seconds sooner…
The poor, abused toaster had finally had enough. With a loud sproing, the bagel was launched from the toaster, reaching terminal velocity in under a second. Ricocheting off the window frame, the ballistic breakfast was sent hurtling across the kitchen once again, bouncing off the table before demolishing the light fixture and landing squarely on the horn of one very surprised unicorn, who was promptly knocked onto her backside.
Twilight’s eyes nearly popped out of her head with surprise as she struggled to rise to her hooves. Her mind was in a daze as her eyes spun rapidly in circles. It felt like she had just been kicked in the face by Rainbow Dash. She shook her head vigorously as she could as her mane righted itself, trying to clear the foggy headedness that she was experiencing. There was a strange feeling at the back of her mind, but she couldn’t quite place her hoof on it. It just felt like something was… off.
“H-huh…? What was that? What just happened? Is the library under attack?” Twilight snapped to attention, scanning every nook and cranny of the library. No matter how hard or thoroughly she looked, she couldn’t see any sort of immediate threat to her well being. “That was weird… Still, nothing seems to be out of place here.” Twilight made her way over to the toaster to check on her glorious breakfast. To her surprise there was no bagel in the toaster, instead, there were only small plumes of billowing smoke coming from its abused innards.
“Hey! Where’s my bagel?! Did you eat it, toaster?” Twilight gave an annoyed glare to the rebellious toaster oven. “Well, I’m going to find it, even if you want to play dirty.” She circled the toaster, looking at it from every conceivable angle. It wasn’t in the toaster… It wasn’t on the table either, or on the floor. “Behind the couch? Maybe it popped out or something?” Twilight checked behind all of her furniture, still to no avail. “Geeze… I must be really hungry. Would I even want to eat if it was behind the couch?”
She stuck her tongue out at the thought, practically tasting the flavor of decades old dust bunnies in her mouth. “Ew! Ew, ew,ew, ew, ew! That’s so nasty! What am I even doing anymore?!” Twilight shook her head, ashamed of the fact that she’d almost considered eating a dirty bagel. She felt a slight warmth on her forehead that she hadn’t noticed before as she stopped for a moment to think. “Oh… This stress is making me sick! I think I’m starting to get a fever.”
Twilight reached her hoof up to check her forehead’s temperature. As she did so, she felt her hoof brush up against some soft and warm at the base of her horn. Her jaw almost became unhinged as she looked at the toaster, and then slowly turned her eyes upward. There, wedged to the very base of her horn, was a freshly made bagel, snuggly cuddling up to Twilight’s forehead. Her glare of annoyance turned in a glare of pure hatred directed at the metal contraption that had caused her so much trouble.
“You have got to be kidding me. You’re joking, right? This is all some sort of bad dream?” She felt the bagel, knowing for a fact that it was real. There was no mistaking that bumpy poppy seed texture for anything else, dream or not. “You!” She pointed a hoof at the toaster as if accusing it of some heinous crime. “You are going to pay for this! As soon as I get this bagel off of my horn, you’re going straight to the scrap heap! That is not an idle threat!” She smacked the toaster, sending it flying off of the table and out of site. “Even my own breakfast wants to defeat me today… Well, at least the bagel is done. Now I just need to get it off of my horn somehow. That shouldn’t be too hard.”
Twilight reached her hooves up to the bagel firmly attached to her horn. She got a hoof on both sides of it and began to pull as hard as she could. The hole in the middle was just small enough to prevent the bagel from moving forward; it was getting stuck on the spiral ridges of her horn and refusing to budge even an inch. “Oh, come on! I can’t get a good grip! If I could just…”
She continued to grapple with the pastry attached to her skull, shifting the positioning of her hooves back and forth. No matter what she tried, the bagel refused to even give an inch of ground, and the thick nature of it kept it from crumbling apart from the repeated tugs. “I can’t get it off! What the heck?” Twilight stopped tugging on the bagel in frustration and began to think for a moment. Oh. Right. I have a horn!
Twilight chuckled, giving a maniacal laugh that would make even Discord jealous. “This is it for you, bagel! You’re about to get eaten, and it is gonna taste so delicious. Prepare yourself you breakfast demon!” Twilight began to focus the magic into her horn, channeling it and forming a spell in her mind. A simple levitation spell, or minor teleportation spell would likely do the trick. For some reason, however, something about her magic felt weird. Huh. That’s weird. It’s never felt like that before… It’s almost like my magic is being blocked by something.
The magic continued to build up her horn, focusing into a bright point of light at the very tip. “Aha! This is it! This is gonna be your-” Her horn fizzled out, small purple sparks shooting feebly forward for about three feet. “W-what?! How is that possible?” Twilight tried in vain to cast several more spells, every time resulting in only purple sparks. Twilight searched her mind for any semblance of an answer before remembering something that she’d read in a textbook while studying for her presentation. Oh no… Poppy seeds! Poppy seeds are one of the most powerful magical inhibitors known in nature! Poppy seeds this close to her horn… They were draining her magic!
Twilight once again shook her head furiously, trying to dislodge the stubborn foodstuff. Rolling onto her back, Twilight reached up with her hind legs in a spirited, yet futile, attempt to brace them against her stubborn breakfast. “Why. Won’t. You. Come. Off?!” Bringing herself to her hooves once more, she looked around the kitchen, eyes darting from object to object, trying to find some way to free her horn from the toaster’s diabolical vengeance. With a cry of frustration, she began backing up, swinging her head from side to side in great arcs. “No no no no NO!”
Backing out of the kitchen, she let out a low, keening cry, reversing through the library in a mild panic, frantically trying to shake her unwanted passenger loose. “Get off get off get off get off!. Her movements becoming more erratic, Twilight found herself almost oblivious to the havoc she had begun to cause, cascades of books pouring down around her as she slammed into various shelves in her panic. “Get ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooofffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff!”. Twilight stopped moving, seemingly frozen in place, as a sound managed to break through her panicked fugue.
Knock. Knock. Knock.
“Hey, Twilight, are you there? I’m going to come in now! I brought back that cookbook you loaned me!” Twilight recognized that singsong voice anywhere. She still had a chance to get out of this… Pinkie Pie hopped through the doorway with a huge, goofy smile on her face. Twilight could make out a large blue cookbook on her back, nearly as large as her entire body. How does she jump so high with that… Priorities, Twilight! You need help!
“Pinkie! Please, you’ve got to-”
Pinkie’s eyes shot open wide as she looked at her friend splayed out on the floor, legs wide open. Immediately, a huge blush spread onto her face, turning her coat a vivid magenta. “I… Uh… Oh. You’re… Y-you’re playing one of those ‘solo’ games, aren’t you? I’ll just… Leave this book over here then. I am so sorry, Twilight! Gottagonow, bye!” With that, Pinkie zoomed out of the front door just as quickly as she had appeared, leaving a cloud of dust behind her and the cookbook on the floor where she’d once been.
“Wait! No, Pinkie! I need you help! This thing is stuck on my head and….” Twilight looked out the window to see her friend already darting as fast as she could back to Sugarcube Corner. “PINKIE!” Twilight collapsed to the floor, exhausted from her fruitless attempts at removing the offending morsel.
“Alright… Come on, Sparkle. Calm down. Take a deeeep breath.” Closing her eyes, she lowered her head, taking deep, calming breaths. “[in]In one two three out one two three in one two three out one two three…IGOTTAGETITOFF!”
Screaming in frustration, Twilight ran for the door. Unfortunately, her usual reliance on magic meant that her instinctive attempt to open the door left her with nothing but a few violet sparks and an unceremonious collision. Letting lose another scream, she threw the door open, running out into the street.
She looked around, eyes dancing over every building and pony on the street. “Come on come on come onnn...” As her eyes settled onto a sign in a shop window, a wide, demented grin began to spread across her face. “Yessssss….
~~~~~
Brown Flask sighed. It was tough these days. Honestly? If he’d known there was a skilled zebra alchemist living here, he’d never have set up shop in Ponyville. Sure, his special talent was in chemicals and potions, but zebras were on a whole different level.
If business doesn’t pick up soon… I might just have to- He was knocked out of his stupor, and in fact off of his chair, as his door burst open. Peeking up over the counter, he saw a silhouette in his doorway: A heavily panting unicorn, her mane an utter mess. As she stepped forward, he could hear the slight maniacal giggles she let out with every exhale, and spot the demented grin on her face.
“I need a chemical.” Brown Flask shook himself, shaking off his surprise and standing once more. Sure, she was a little… Off, but hey! A customer was a customer!
“Well, ma’am, I, uh, I can definitely help you out in that regard! What sort of thing were you looking for?” As she giggled again, he found himself backing up as she placed her forehooves on the counter, leaning in.
“I need it to buuuuuuurn.
~~~~~Some time later~~~~~
Complicated. She was quickly becoming tired of the word. She shifted, unravelling the rope around her waist and testing her weight on the pulley. At any rate, she narrowed her eyes, I’ll soon be rid of this eldritch dough-beast. She began to lower herself towards the bubbling cauldron below her, giggling to herself. Almost free, almost free, almost FREE!. Closer and closer it came, the tips of the hairs in her mane beginning to smoulder as she approached it.
As she came closer, the bubbling liquid a mere six inches from the tip of her horn, the door slammed open for the second time that day.
“TWILIGHT! I’m ho-” Spike paused, examining the scene before him. “....You know what? I can honestly say that I don’t even wanna know.” He waddled his way to the cauldron, hopping up on the rim to peek inside. “Ugh. You mares and your beauty regimens… Ooh, bagel!”
With a deft movement, he plucked the bagel from her horn and popped it into his mouth. “Mm. Ah bi’ shtale, bu’ shtill gud.” Chewing noisily, he swallowed after a few seconds. “Thanks, Twilight. Oh, and good luck on your presentation tomorrow! I’ll set your cue cards out for you.”
