Pagemaster/Nathan Quickfic Collection

by Nathan

Rating: teen
Tags: Dinky Hooves, Fluttershy, Sex, Spitfire, Random, Adventure, Derpy Hooves, Pinkie Pie, Slice of Life, Twilight Sparkle, Sad, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Soarin, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 6954

A collection of short fanfics as requested by My Little Pony General (formerly of /co/)

A collection of short stories written off of prompts provided by the My Little Pony General threads of /mlp/ (formerly of /co/)

Derpy's Diary: A short comedy fic taking a look at a week in the life of everyone's favorite wall-eyed Mail Mare through her eyes. (Slice of Life)

Dream Delivery: Soarin and Spitfire fly to Ponyville to make a midnight delivery to a very lucky somepony (Slice of Life)

The Family Business: Pinkie Pie returns to the rock farm to visit her father on his death bed (Dark, Sad)

Sedimental Memories: Fluttershy finds herself in incredible danger when she's caught in the Everfree Forest and receives help from an unlikely source. (Adventure)

Twilight's Steamy Buns: Pinkie Pie teaches Twilight how to bake

Fiction Forcast: Twilight finds a book on her door step and discovers that the story in it is unfolding right before her eyes. A bit random and definitely meta.

Published 2012-02-27 15:34:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-01 04:38:08 UTC

Derpy's Diary

Derpy’s Diary

Monday: Big package for Diamond Lady today, lots of rolls of fuzzy stuff. It felt good but was REALLY heavy. I asked the diamond lady what she was going to do with it and she told me she was going to make some hats and slippers. Why would anypony want a fuzzy hat? Or fuzzy slippers? You can’t feel the fuzzy through your hooves or your mane. It didn’t make any sense. I Told her blankets and bed sheets would be better and left. I hope she makes me a blanket soon. Fuzzy blankets are nice. Dinky came home from school and I gave a blueberry muffin to cheer her up. She’s always so sad when she comes home from school. I wonder why. What happens at school? It’s been a long time since I’ve gone, maybe they changed things. Maybe it’s not as happy as it used to be. I liked school, it was a happy place. What would make it no happy for Dinky? Maybe I’ll ask her tomorrow.

Tuesday: Stripey Hair keeps forgetting to take her books with her. I delivered a stack of them today to her library. Stripey Hair is always reading and does her best to take care of her books, but sometimes she gets has to hurry and forgets to take them with her when she leaves. She should be more careful. I took a look in one of the books but it wasn’t very interesting. It looked like a steamy romance novel but it had two mares on the cover. How can mares get steamy with each other? It makes no sense. Dinky had another sad day today. I gave her an apple, maple & brown sugar muffin.

Wednesday: Smiley Girl was excited today! She invited me up to her apartment above the sweet shop to show me what was in her package. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. It was some kind of ball, but it wasn’t one you play with. It was covered in a whole bunch of tiny mirrors that made it sparkle whenever the light hit it. I helped Smiley Girl to hang it up (she couldn’t reach the ceiling like I could!) and we closed the windows and turned off most of the lights. Smiley Girl already had some other lights set up to point at the ball. When she turned them on a bajillion stars danced around the floor and walls. We stared at it for several minutes before I remembered I had other things to deliver and thanked Smiley Girl for inviting me up. On my way out, I picked up a box of fresh muffins. Dinky could probably use one after she got home from school.

Thursday: I got to see the Doctor today! I made a delivery of his favorite snacks (fish sticks and custard), when he invited me into his backwards box. Turns out he had a really big adventure waiting! He hit a button and we timey wimeyed across space. He told me the name of the planet we were on, but I forgot. It was a really weird name and it was pretty long. While we were there the Doctor found some strange looking trashcans he called Daleks. The Doctor and the trash cans got into a big fight, but the Doctor beat them! I learned latter that the trash cans had been hurting the people on that planet for no good reason so it was a good thing the Doctor won. When we got back I found out Dinky had been in a fight at school today. She didn’t want to talk about it and wouldn’t even touch the muffin I offered her.

Friday: Dinky stayed home from school today so I had to take care of her. She said she wasn’t feeling well but I don’t think that was the truth. She still wasn’t telling me about why she got in a fight yesterday. I wanted to know if it was a good reason or a bad reason, but she wouldn’t tell me and that made me sad. I got a package today; it was from the Diamond Lady. She had taken my advice and made a few blankets. Everypony loved them (probably because they were so fuzzy) and they were making her a lot of money. She sent me a special one as a thank you. The blanket was a deep grey with a gold border and it had my cutie mark on it! Taking the blanket, I snuggled up next to Dinky and together we rested. It was a nice blanket.

Saturday: I left Dinky at home; she said she was feeling better. While I was out delivering, one of the packages fell out of my bag and the thing inside bounced out. It was a weird stick that buzzed when you flipped a switch. I didn’t know what else to do with it so I put it back in its box as best I could and delivered it to Rainbow’s house. She seemed really embarrassed for some reason when she saw the package had come open. She coughed and sputtered her thanks before racing back inside. It was kind of odd because I’ve never seen Rainbow get embarrassed before. She was always so strong and confident. I didn’t see what the big deal it was; it was just a buzzy stick. What would somepony use a buzzy stick for anyway? I finished up my rounds early so I went home and played with Dinky. We played her favorite board game, Snakes and Foxes. I don’t know why she likes it so much; I don’t think you’re supposed to win.

Sunday: There’s no mail on Sundays, I got to sleep in. Dinky told me about why she got in a fight. Some of the other fillies at school were making fun of her. They called her the filly of a retard, kept asking where her daddy was. Told her I was a lame pony. I put a wing under her and drew the velvet blanket up over us. Everypony likes fuzzy blankets. I told her that what those ponies said didn’t matter and that she would always be worth something to me. It felt like the right thing to say and Dinky buried her head in my chest and cried a little. When she was finished we got up and went out to Sugar Cube Corner for some snacks. Smiley Girl was really happy to see us. I asked her if I could show Dinky the special ball and she said yes. Dinky ooh’d and ah’d at the spinning lights, trying to catch a few of them before just settling back and enjoying the show. It didn’t matter what all those stupid fillies said about her. Love is love, no matter the pony who feels it. She is my daughter and I will always, always love her.

Dream Delivery

Dream Delivery

“I’m telling you Soarin, she’s the right pony for the job.”

Soarin snorted. “Why don’t we just call the show off? Lightning Blitz is only going to be in the hospital for a couple weeks. He should be flying just fine again in a month or so.”

Spitfire pulled up short in front of her teammate, delivering him a cold stare. The moon hovered in the sky behind her and stars dotted the clear, night sky. They were high above the town of Ponyville, which had long since closed its door and doused its lights for the night. “The Wonderbolts have never canceled a show, Soarin. Never. And I don’t plan to be the first captain in its history to do so.” Turning, Spitfire continued on to their destination.

“Alright, fine.” Soarin fell in behind the firey pegasus. “We need to find a temp, but why her? What makes her so special?”

“Your memory can’t possibly be that bad. She saved our lives, remember? And then she took home the trophy, then she spent the day asking firing questions at us non-stop, and then she kept stalking us around the Gala and staging little things to impress us.” Spitfire smirked back at her wingman. “Were you too concerned with your precious pie to notice who it was that caught it?”

“Alright, alright,” Soarin grumbled. “So she has talent. But how do we know she can work well on a team? As far as I can recall, she was pretty prideful; the kind of pony who would want to draw as much attention to herself as she could rather than function as a part of a group. How do you think she’ll feel having to play second fiddle or as an equal part of the group?”

“I’ve done my homework, Soarin. This mare is one of the six that took care of that whole Nightmare Moon incident last year. If that doesn’t scream teamwork, I don’t know what does. And besides, she’s obsessed over us! If you were in her hooves, wouldn’t you do anything to make it work?”

Sighing in defeat, Soarin nodded. “Fine, you’ve made your point. Just so long as she understands she’s only an honorary member until Lightning Blitz gets back on his hooves. Two, three shows. Tops.”

Spitfire nodded. “Of course. She needs to tame that aggressive streak a little before we can officially open a spot for her. What do you say we get this over with?”

Drawing up in front of Rainbow Dash’s lofty home, Spitfire removed a backage from her saddlebag and placed it on the porch step. Within it lay the trademark blue and gold of the Wonderbolts uniform and a letter explaining the situation.

The birds were starting to chirp, signaling the approaching dawn and the beginning of a new day. The two pegasi nodded to each other and took to the sky, angling towards Cloudsdale and home. A weather pegasus’ day begins early, and today would be a great day indeed.

The Family Business

The Family Business

Gloomy clouds covered the sky in a dark overcast, casting the desolate landscape in a bleak light. Pinkie Pie stood at the top of the ridge, gazing down at the drab, old buildings she had called home so long ago. Setting her face in a grim look of determination, she started down the hill. There was a good reason she had kept away for so long.

Drawing up in front of the house, she rapped on the door with her hoof. It was her sister Inky that let her inside, giving her a long hard look before allowing the pink earth pony to enter. The house was just as plain as Pinkie had remembered. Cobwebs dotted the corners and a thin layer of dust coated everything. The house would never have gotten this dirty while her mom was still alive.

A racking cough drew Pinkie’s attention to the back of the house. Blinky sat outside the door to the master bedroom, delivering her a cold stare as she approached. “He probably doesn’t want to talk to you, you know.”

“He hasn’t wanted anything to do with me since I left the farm,” Pinkie Pie said with a frown. “I didn’t expect that to change now.”

“Then why are you here?”

“Because he’s my father,” Pinkie said angrily. “Why wouldn’t I want to be there for him?”

“You weren’t here when mom died.”

“She died in an accident. How could I have been there, Blinky?”

Blinky stood abruptly and glared fiercely at her sister. “Don’t call me that. Don’t you dare call me that. My name is Blinkella.”

Inky stepped forward to calm the two of them down. “Can we please not do this? The last thing we need in this house right now is fighting.”

Blinkella reluctantly slid back into her corner, glaring daggers at Pinkie all the while. Pinkie just sighed and looked tiredly at Inky. “Can I see him now?”

Inky nodded and ushered Pinky into the room. Hearing the door creak, Pinkie’s father opened his eyes and looked towards her. “And just what the hay do you think you’re doing here.”

“You’re dying, Papa,” Pinkie’s eyes began to water a bit. “How could I stay away?”

“You abandoned us a long time ago when you left the farm,” the old pony snorted. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“I never abandoned you, Papa, I just—“

“The hell you didn’t,” Papa Pie roared before breaking into a series of wheezing coughs. “You’re the eldest, Pinkamina. It was your duty to take on the responsibilities of the farm after your mother and I when we were no longer fit to tend it ourselves. Instead you up and run off to some fancy town where you can have parties every day and work in a bakery of all things. A bakery!” Another fit of coughing.

“But you loved my parties…”

“Parties don’t pay the bills, Pinkamina. They never did and never will. You are a Pie, and you always will be a Pie. The Pie family have been rock farmers for centuries. We were rock farmers before Celestia locked her sister away in the room! My father, his father and his father before him, regardless of their special talents!” He paused to catch his breath, “Now Celestia was never kind enough to grant me a son, but I did right by you and your sisters. Raised you three the best I knew how to be the best rock farmers you could be. But rock farming just wasn’t good enough for you, was it? Just had to go and follow your dream like some daft little filly with her head in the clouds.”

Pinkie Pie’s eyes narrowed and her hair lost its bounce, falling in straight curtains past her shoulders. “Father, I came here because I love you and wanted to be here for you when you passed. What I didn’t come here for is to hear you lecture me on my life decisions. I’m happy with the choices I’ve made and given a second chance I would leave the farm again in a heartbeat. Now I’m sorry I wasn’t here when mom died. I couldn’t help that. But I am going to be here for you, whether you like it or not. If you want to waste your last breaths telling me how much of a failure I am, that’s your choice. But don’t expect me to stick around to listen to it.” She got up to leave.

As she headed for the door, her father could be heard chuckling between coughs. “Now there’s that stubborn streak again. You got that from your mother I suppose. Don’t worry about the will; I haven’t left you a damned thing. Rotten kid.”

“I’ll be sure to say something nice at the funeral. It’s the least I can do,” Pinkamena spat back, slamming the door behind her.

Blinkella and Inky jumped at the sudden noise and trotted to catch up to Pinkamena as she marched out of the house and towards the road to Ponyville.

“So just like that, you’re leaving again?” Inky asked as she pulled up alongside her older sister.

“Well it’s clear I’m not wanted here, so I’ve got no reason to stay,” Pinkamena growled.

“Well what about the farm? You are the eldest. Are you going to just leave it to rot?” Blinkella called after her as they neared the gate.

“You girls go ahead and take it; I don’t give a horse apple what happens to it.” Before her sisters could call out to her again, Pinkamena was on the road and racing towards home, leaving her sisters standing just inside the pasture.

That night, she cried herself to sleep for the first time in a very long while.

Sedimental Memories

Sedimental Memories

Fluttershy raced through the Everfree forest as fast as she could. Fear kept her wings locked tightly to her side. She had long since lost her way in the forest, but she did not dare stop nor look about to find her bearings for fear that she might catch a glimpse of her pursuer’s eye. To look in the eye of the basilisk is death.

The beast measured fifty feet in length and was measured at least two feet in diameter. In his wake the dreaded serpent left a swath of crumbling, dying vegetation, such was the power of his venom. The head of creature was lifted high into the night sky, a plume of feathers extending around its neck. If one dared to look, the noxious fumes carried by its breath billowed against the night sky.

Stupid, stupid, stupid! Fluttershy thought furiously to herself. She had come to the Everfree to check up on the manticore’s paw, a simple task in and of itself. It wasn’t until the sun was dipping below the horizon that the pegasus realized she had outstayed the forest’s welcome, and it was a long way home. The Everfree was no place for anypony to be after dark.

Even as she ran, Fluttershy was sorting through everything she remembered about basilisks. They were without a doubt among the deadliest creatures in the forest. Their skin, their venom, their breath; all deadly toxic. Some accounts even describe the poison being able to travel up objects a pony may be holding and kill them as surely as a direct touch. But the eyes were the worst. To gaze in them would bring death in an instant. Oh, what good is this stare if I can’t even use it!

The only thing she knew of that could kill the basilisk was a weasel, and even then she didn’t know of any weasels off the top of her head that actually lived in the Everfree. Besides, even they would not be of much use if their bladders weren’t full.

Abruptly, she found herself racing over a shallow pool of water facing a huge cliff. Over the edge of the cliff flowed a massive waterfall, breaking over a large pile of rocks that sat at the bottom of the falls. With cliffs to all sides but the way she had come, Fluttershy realize she had reached the end of the line. With a hiss and a splash, she heard the basilisk enter the pool behind her.

Squeezing her eyes shut, Fluttershy huddled against the rocks and braced for the death that was rushing towards her. Oh please, Celestia. Don’t let this be it for me.

A crumbling sound echoed around her and a heavy blow shook the ground around her, causing the water to ripple and jump. Eyes opening wide in surprise, Fluttershy looked in awe at the barrier of stone that extended over her, blocking the basilisk’s assault.

Rising from under the waterfall, the stones shifted and began to take shape. The creature was bipedal and had no visible head. There was nothing to distinguish a face, no way of telling how it could perceive the world around it. Its massive arms cracked and grumbled as it grabbed the basilisk by the face and dug its mighty fingers into the beat’s eyes.

The basilisk screamed in pain and confusion. Never before had it faced an opponent who had dared to touch it, let alone one that carried on its attack after doing so. Its sight crippled the basilisk retread slightly, listening for any movement that might give away the location of its attacker. The water was beginning to steam and turn a sickly green. Fluttershy scrambled out of the pool before the taint could reach her.

A small rock shot from one of the behemoth’s fingers, cracking against one of the cliff walls and splashing in the water. The basilisk lunged towards the sound, running headlong into the cliff. Dazed and perplexed, the mighty serpent recoiled into the waiting hands of the stone guardian. Grasping its head firmly in both hands, the giant squeezed.

Fluttershy looked away in revulsion. The stench of the dead basilisk washed over the pool, causing the relived pegasus to gag. Her retching was cut short as she felt the cold, hard hand of the giant scoop her up and place her on his shoulder. Scaling the cliff, the earthen creature turned and pointed towards the familiar lights of Ponyville, clearly visible from this height.

“Y-you’re a calcifix, aren’t you?” Fluttershy asked, determined to at least work up the courage to speak with her savior.

Some of the rocks shifted and formed what passed for a head. It nodded.

“I’ve met one of you before, you know. Oh, but that was many years ago and it was just a tiny bunch of pebbles.”

The head nodded again, the rocks grinding together in the oddest way. It produced something suspiciously similar to laughter.

“Oh, please don’t laugh at me, I-I’ve been having just a terrible night.”

The calcifix stifled its mock laughter and held one of its hands up to Fluttershy, stones grinding and shifting until something dropped in front of her. It was a pendant. Small, smooth and crafted from wood. Over the years, a few flakes had caught in the wings and wore into the wood, giving it the strange appearance of being both wood and stone at once. It was the sight of the pendant that brought the memories flooding back.

It was a few months after she had gotten her cutie mark. Her parents had been very understanding and allowed her to find a new home to live in (one which she still calls home today), so Fluttershy had been able to begin her work with the animals right away. She started with the ones she had met the day she tumbled from Cloudsdale and before long they had spread the word amongst themselves that there was a pony who was friendly to them and would assist their every need.

During this time something interesting happened. The bridge which led across the stream near her house was beginning to crumble. No matter how she or the other ponies in town attempted to patch it, the same cracks would appear time after time.

In an act of utter curiosity, Fluttershy stayed out one night to watch the bridge, thinking that she could discover the reason it cracked as it did. The hours drew on late into the night, and she nearly dozed off before she spotted something. One of the cobbles was wiggling!

Cautiously stepping forward, Fluttershy rubbed her eyes and blinked just to be sure her eyes weren’t deceiving her. Indeed, several small pieces of the cobblestone were attempting to wiggle free of their own accord.

Never one to let any creature, no matter how strange, go unaided, Fluttershy quickly ran into home and found the closest thing to a chisel she had. Taking it outside, she clambered down into the stream and underneath the bridge. All through the night she worked, toiling away to free every last scrap that showed even a spark of movement. At last, as the sun was beginning to peak over the horizon and the bridge lay in ruins, all of the living pieces were free.

Round and round they danced, spinning around Fluttershy and knocking gently against her in thanks. Glad she could help, Fluttershy rushed inside and fetched one of the many pendants she had made that she gave to her animal friends. Wrapping around the pendant like a protective shield, the strange pile of living rock dove back into the stream to be washed away by the current.

She had done some research after that and discovered that the creature was a calcifix, a being of living rock that lived in streams and other flowing bodies of water. They spent their lives collecting minerals from the water, increasing their size and building new pieces for their body. Eventually they grew so large that pieces of them began to fall off and spawn new calcifi.

“That was you, wasn’t it? In the bridge,all those years ago?”

The head nodded.

“When they built the bridge, they must have just used stone from the stream and scooped you up by mistake.” Fluttershy sighed. “They couldn’t have known you were there, you poor thing.”

The calcifix gave a large shrug, careful not to upset Fluttershy’s balance as they marched through the forest.

“Thank you,” Fluttershy half-mumbled, “for saving me.”

Nodding once more, the calcifix reached up and deposited a second article in front of Fluttershy, indicating that she should take it. It was a smooth stone in the shape of an octagon. A streak of blue ran through the center and cracks of green spider-webbed their way across the grey sides of the ornament. Pointing at the butterfly and then Fluttershy, the gentle giant indicated the stone and pointed a finger to his chest.

Fluttershy nodded and accepted the token offered to her. “Thank you, I’ll treasure it always.”

Having reached the edge of the forest, the calcifix stooped to allow Fluttershy to jump down. Waving a final goodbye, the silent guardian retreated into the forest. He would return to his waterfall where he would listen and wait until he was needed again. Fluttershy had shown him a great kindess, and he had vowed to pay it forward.

Twilight's Steamy Buns

Twilight’s Steamy Buns

A cacophony of clattering pots and pans echoed from the kitchen in Sugar Cube Corner, followed by the loud (and rather unlady like) curses of a certain unicorn.

“Oh Twilight, it’s not that bad.” Pinkie Pie began to gather up the fallen pans, twirling them expertly and sliding them neatly into their proper places.

“Pinkie, I’m pretty sure key lime pie isn’t supposed to be red. With yellow polka dots.” Twilight used her magic to gather up some flour that had spilled from a nearby bag. Curiously enough, the bag was wearing a party hat but Twilight chose not to inquire.

“It doesn’t matter what the pie looks like, silly. Only what it tastes like!” Pinkie Pie bent down and licked some of the pie’s filling from the floor. “Mmmmmmm… delish!”

“Does it taste like lime?”

“Nope, but it’s still good!” With her face plastered to the floor, Pinkie vacuumed up the spilt remains of the pie. Straightening suddenly, a quizzical look appeared on her face again. “Hmm… maybe a meringue is too hard for a beginner like you. We should try something simpler! All you have to do is take a cup of flou—“

Twilight firmly shoved her hoof in Pinkie’s mouth. “No, Pinkie. No cupcakes. Why can’t we try something other than a dessert? Perhaps a shortbread, or something?”

“That’s a great idea! We can make buns!”

“Buns?”

Pinkie Pie nodded enthusiastically and began hopping around the kitchen haphazardly, nearly undoing all the hard work they had just put in cleaning the place up. “There’s been a really high demand for them lately! Or at least I think there is. Rainbow Dash is always telling me how she would like to get a taste of my hot buns. Oh! Can we, Twilight? Canwecanwecanwe, pleeeeeeeeeeeeease?”

Twilight’s mind had been off chasing exactly what Rainbow Dash may have meant by that but she managed to shake herself back to the present. “Sure, why not? I’ll just head back to my library and see if I can find a good reci—“

“Don’t be silly, Twilight!” Pinkie Pie grabbed her and pulled her back into the kitchen. “You don’t need a silly book to cook!”

“But isn’t that what they invented cookbooks for?” Twilight glanced around nervously.

“Only amateurs use cookbooks!” Pinkie proclaimed from the door to the pantry. “You wait right there!”

Twilight considered pointing out that she was an amateur when it came to cooking, but it probably wouldn’t do her any good. Once Pinkie got going on something it was hard to put a stop to her momentum.

“Cooking these buns will be a snap!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed upon emerging from the pantry. “What could possibly go wrong?”

Sighing, Twilight consigned herself to blindly following whatever instruction she was given. She had no idea what she was doing and, as strange as it may seem, the kitchen was the one place she felt she could place her absolute trust in Pinkie Pie to know what she was doing.

Flour, yeast, salt, eggs, milk. All the ingredients were brought forth in their measure and added to the gooey concoction that was the dough. When Pinkie Pie had determined the dough to be sufficiently mixed, she ordered Twilight to dump it onto the wood countertop.

“Now stick your hooves in it!”

Twilight gave the earth pony a flat stare. “Excuse me?”

“You can’t just want to bake bread, Twilight. You have to knead it! So get kneading!”

Sighing, Twilight reached forward to stick her hooves in the lump of dough.

“Wait!” cried Pinkie Pie, sticking a pan of flour between Twilight and the dough.

Twilight’s hooves struck the pan, sending it clattering to the ground. “Oh great, one more mess to clean up.” She looked back towards Pinkie. “Care to explain what that was about?”

Pinkie Pie shrugged and trotted off to get the oven heated. “You were about to have a sticky situation on your hooves. I helped out.”

Planting her flour-coated hooves in the dough, Twilight began to work it. It was strangely calming, feeling the pliable mass stretch and form beneath her touch. Twilight allowed her eyes to close and for a while she just sat there, feeling the dough.

“Uh Twilight, I think you can be done kneading now.” Pinkie Pie had returned from the ovens and was starring at the lump on the counter. Its texture had become smoother and the dough as a whole had somewhat flattened under her touch. Pinkie extended a rolling pin and indicated what Twilight was to do with it.

Bending over the counter, Twilight rolled the dough as flat as she could (“The yeast will make them get big!” Pinkie had told her), forming it into a rough rectangle. Using a special cutter they had found in a drawer, she stamped out circles of dough to be placed on the cooking sheet. Gathering up all the dough that remained, she again rolled it flat and repeated the process until only an insignificant portion of dough remained. All that was left to do was bake them.

Pinkie opened the door to the oven and Twilight slid the tray in, making sure that it wasn’t touching any of the sides. Half an hour later, Pinkie declared the buns done. Cautiously removing the tray from the oven, Twilight set it on a nearby cooling rack. Another ten minutes had passed before Pinkie couldn’t stand to wait any longer.

Taking a bun her mouth, the pink pony broke it in half and offered one of the two pieces to Twilight. Cautiously looking up at Pinkie pie, Twilight held her half to her mouth.

“One,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Two,” Twilight Sparkle readied herself.

“Three!” they both cried out before tearing off large chunks of their respective halves. They both chewed for only a moment before spitting it out.

“Salty!” Pinkie cried, rushing to stick her mouth beneath the water faucet.

Twilight smacked her lips, looking around for something to get the taste out of her mouth. “I don’t understand, what did we do wrong? I followed all of your directions.

“Too… uch… sal…” Pinkie Pie glubbed from beneath the running faucet.

“What?”

“Too much salt!” she said, emerging from the sink. “How much did you put in there?”

“Two teaspoons, just like you asked,” Twilight replied, indicating the measure she had used.

“But that’s a tablespoon measure!”

Twilight blushed and looked down at her hooves in shame. “I guess I really am no good at this cooking stuff.”

“Don’t worry, Twilight.” Pinkie Pie said, sidling up next to her friend. “I’m sure you’ll get it eventually.”

“But look at how bad I screwed up, even with you helping me.”

Pinkie Pie grinned. “I didn’t help. I just told you what to do.”

“And that’s not helping?”

“Not any more than one of your cookbooks would have.”

Twilight thought about that for a moment and smiled. “I guess you’re right. I did do pretty good for a first time, didn’t I?”

“Everypony makes mistakes!” Pinkie Pie laughed. “With just a teensy bit more practice, I’m sure everypony in Ponyville will be clamoring for a taste of your hot buns in no time!”

“Um… sure, Pinkie Pie. Whatever you say.”

Fiction Forecast (NEW)

Fiction Forecast

“Special delivery!” called a voice from outside Twilight’s library. The purple unicorn opened the door in time to see the yellow maned pegasus flying away, leaving a package on her porch.

Odd, thought Twilight, I don’t think I ordered anything recently. Taking the package inside, she set it on her desk to be opened later. It wasn’t long before her curiosity overcame her sense of responsibility. There was no return address on the package; there wasn’t even a shipping address. All the package said was, “To: Twilight Sparkle” and beneath that, “From: a fan.”

Blushing slightly at the thought of her, of all ponies, getting fan mail, she opened a corner of the package and peaked inside. Carefully undoing the tape in a slow, orderly manner, Twilight neatly removed the rest of the brown paper the thing had been wrapped in. She set the unwrapped book down on the her reading desk, taking some time to admire the smooth cover and bindings. It was clearly the work of an amateur, but a lot of heart seemed to have gone into the craftsmanship. Opening the book, she began to read aloud softly.

“Special delivery!” called a voice from outside Twilight’s library. The purple unicorn opened the door in time to see the yellow maned pegasus flying away, leaving a package on her porch.

Odd, thought Twilight, I don’t think I ordered anything rece—

Twilight paused, shaking her head. The passage was starting to seem very familiar. Lowering her eyes back to the text, she continued.

I don’t think I ordered anything recently. Taking the package inside, she set it on her desk to be opened later. It wasn’t long before her curiosity overcame her sense of responsibility. There was no return address on the package; there wasn’t even a shipping address. All the package said was, “To: Twilight Sparkle” and beneath that, “From: a fan.”

Blushing slightl—

Slamming the book shut, Twilight took several deep breaths. Okay, this is seriously creepy. This had to be some kind of prank, but then she couldn’t think of any spells that could do this. To actually have a story write itself and describe events as they happened was an incredible feat of magic.

Cautiously, Twilight opened the book again and flipped through the pages. Interestingly enough, all of the pages already had writing on them. The story had been written in advance. Turning a few pages ahead of where she left off, she picked a paragraph and continued.

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash barged in through the library door, catching the purple unicorn by surprise. “Twilight, what are you still doing here?” the pegasus asked. “The premiere performance of ‘Daring Do and the Musical of the Malachite Monkey’ starts in half an hour! Don’t tell me you forgot!”

“Of course not, Rainbow Dash. I just…” Twilight glanced back at the book with an expression of pure confusion.

“Oh you and your books.” Dash sighed and flew behind Twilight, pushing her towards the door. “Come on we’re going to be late.”

“Wait,” Twilight balked, “just let me—”

Suddenly, Rainbow Dash barged in through the library door, catching the purple unicorn by surprise. “Twilight, what are you still doing here?” the pegasus asked. “The premiere performance of ‘Daring Do and the Musical of the Malachite Monkey’ starts in half an hour! Don’t tell me you forgot!”

“Of course not, Rainbow Dash. I just…” Twilight glanced back at the book with an expression of pure confusion.

“Oh you and your books.” Dash sighed and flew behind Twilight, pushing her towards the door. “Come on we’re going to be late.”

“Wait,” Twilight balked, “just let me grab the book.” She quickly snagged the book and a saddle bag with a thread of magic and retrieved them. Donning the saddle bag, she slipped the book neatly inside. “There.”

Rainbow Dash groaned. “Come on Twilight, as the pony who got me into Daring Do I thought you would be just as excited about this as me! You better not be reading during the play.”

“You don’t understand, Dash. This book can predict the future, look!” Twilight withdrew the book, opened it to where she had been interrupted and shoved it into Dash’s face.

Grunting in disgust, Rainbow Dash pushed the book aside and gave Twilight a flat look. “Really, Twilight? A book that can predict the future? Let me guess, it even tells you how the musical is going to end, doesn’t it?”

Twilight cocked her head to the side. “Actually, I haven’t gotten that far. I had just gotten to where you come flying in and interrupt my reading when you came flying in and interrupted my reading.”

“Yeah… right.”

“I’m being serious, Dash!” Twilight insisted. “Look, I’ll find out what happens in the musical.” She flicked forward a couple pages. “Huh, that’s weird.”

“What?” replied the Rainbow Maned pegasus.

“Well it stops after we walk into the theatre and has several blank pages before it picks up again.” Twilight puzzled over the book. “I wonder what it means.”

“Who says it means anything?” Dash replied. “Hey, we’re here. Let’s go find our seats.”

Sighing, Twilight packed the book back away and followed her friend into the theatre.

“Wow, whoever they had for costumes clearly didn’t know anything about the source material,” Dash bemoaned as she exited the theatre with Twilight. “Daring’s hat was too dark, her coat was too light and Dr. Metalbeak wears a monocle on his left eye, not his right one.”

“Mmhmm,” Twilight hummed her agreement, only half paying attention to Rainbow Dash’s misgivings about the performance. She had begun reading the book again as soon as the cast had finished their bows.

“Ugh. Twilight, are you even listening?” Rainbow Dash swooped down in front of the purple unicorn and landed.

“Huh? Oh.” Twilight looked up in time to stop herself from colliding with Dash. “Sorry about that, I’ve just been trying to read as far ahead as possible. It could come in handy knowing how things are going to go before they happen and it’s not that thick of a book, so I figured I might as well enjoy it while it lasts.” She gestured to spot on one of the pages. “See, this is where we are now. And this is where—”

A sudden roar blasted through the air, shaking timbers and sending ponies scattering. Spouts of flame burst from the ground, catching rooftops and structures ablaze. From a deep crack in the earth rose a great and terrifying creature, wreathed in flames. It stood at twelve feet tall, bearing a mighty sword in one hand and a whip in the other. Great horns decorated its head and demonic wings extended from its back.

“Did your book say anything about this?” Dash shouted over the roar.

“Yeah, it’s called a balor; I was just getting to that part.” Twilight studies the book furiously. “If I read fast I might find out how we defeat it.”

“Forget reading it, just skip to the end and see if we all make it out alive.” The pegasus dodged the whip, circling to draw the demon’s attention away from the town.

Obediently, Twilight flipped to the last few pages of the book, scanning them quickly. “It doesn’t say!”

“What do you mean it doesn’t say? I thought your book there told the future!” Dash shouted down, fighting to keep away from the deadly blade of the balor.

Twilight franticly flipped through the book, cover to cover, searching for an answer. “There’s nothing here, Dash. The balor shows up, we start to fight it, try to find the answer in the book and then—”

The End

Steel Cuff and the Sob Story Shoplifter

Steel Cuff and the Sob Story Shop Lifter

Once upon a time in the magical land of Equestria, Steel Cuff was on patrol. As a police officer in the city of Manehattan, it was his sworn duty to uphold THE LAW by protecting the innocent and punishing wrongdoers.

Officer Steel Cuff was getting hungry so he decided to stop by a 7-11 for some cheap ass doughnuts. While he was there he saw a filly swipe a Kit Kat bar and hide it between her cheeks. He waited until she moved for the door to approach.

"Hey kid, what are you doing?’ he asked.

"Stealing this Kit Kat bar with my butt," she replied.

Steel Cuff snorted. “You can’t do that!”

The filly grinned. “Yuh-huh, my parents are dead.”

"Grrrrr!" Officer Steel Cuff shook his hoof in frustration as there was nothing he could do, the child’s parents were clearly dead.

The filly laughed and trotted outside to eat her well-earned Kit Kat bar. “Ewww, it’s all melted now!”

Steel Cuff approached her from behind and lay a hoof on her shoulder. “And now you know that crime doesn’t pay.”

"Oh, give me a break!" the filly replied.

So Steel Cuff handed her another Kit Kat Bar

"Gee thanks mister!"

"Run along now, young one," Steel Cuff said. "Stay in school, don’t do drugs."

"Okay!"

Steel Cuff watched the little filly run off down the street. Another job well done, officer!