Warhammer vs Horse

Dearest Diary:
I am confused and perplexed, two attacks. Two whole attacks and the horses still live! It is time I took drastic measures, by midnight tonight I will signal my secret weapon to attack equestria. Yours truly, The Baneblade everyone thinks is Luna.

----------------------------------------A FEW HOURS LATER---------------------------------------------

“Yeah I thought the spaghetti was sorta dry tonight too sister.” Celestia said.

“I guess that’s what we get for letting Apple Jack cook for once.” Luna said.

“Did the meatballs have a strange taste to you Luna?” Celestia asked.

“Yeah, they sorta tasted like horse.” Luna said.

“Wait...how do you know what horses taste like?” Celestia questioned in fear.

“Oh, it’s quite a funny story really, you se-” that’s when a chime from a grandfather clock notifying the two sisters it was 12 am chimed. Luna’s eyes suddenly widened and her mouth stretched impossibly low to the ground. A cannon protruded from her mouth and she pointed her head towards the moon. She shot a single rocket propelled shell towards the moon, then the cannon retreated back into her throat and her mouth and eyes went back to normal. “Anyway, as I was saying...actually I forgot.”

“You’re always so silly my dearest sister!” Celestia nervously chuckled.

----------------------------------------MEANWHILE ON THE MOON------------------------------------

“Gotz eny treez?” an ork boy said to another. They were sitting at a table, furnished with various dice, cards and a chutes and ladders game.

“Naa, Iz onle gotz me a fo-” before the shoota boy could respond a missile lodges itself into the roof, barely hitting the shoota boy’s head. “phew, dat wuz clo-” then the tip of the missile opened up and a pointed flag that had the word “attack” written on it stabbed into the ork’s head.

“....YOR DED AN’ IZ NOT! I WIN!” The ork boy yells as he shovels all the teeth into his fanny pack.

“Datz da signal boyz! Get ya gubbins, il alert da bawss!” Mista Nailbrain yelled.

-------------------------------------------------BACK ON EQUESTRIA------------------------------------

Everyone was having a blast in Apple Jack’s barn, eating her homemade spaghetti.

“Do ya like it Twilight? I made it with my homemade ketchup recipe passed down from generation to generation.” Apple Jack said.

“uh...sure Applejack...it’s uh...it’s pretty good.” Twilight said.

“Hey Apple Jack, these meatballs are FREAKING AWESOME! What’s your secret?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well, it’s mah grandma!” Applejack said.

“...your grandma’s recipe?”

Apple Jack begins to sweat and says. “hehe...yeeaaaah.”

Suddenly the mayor bursts through the barn doors yelling “THE MOON IS CRASHING INTO EQUESTRIA! EVERYONE RUN TO THE NEW AND IMPROVED ANTI CHAOS BUNKER!”

Thankfully all the ponies of Equestria got to the bunker in time.

“Wait a second...that’s no moon.” The mayor says as he sees the moon is really a giant asteroid with Ghazghkull Thraka’s face carved into it. As the asteroid is about to make impact with Equestria it makes a sudden stop. All the Orkz hop off of it and onto the ground.

A gretchin holding a megaphone yells. “Get out ‘ere ya poncy gitz! Da bawss ‘as ta tell ya sometin!” As the gretchin was done speaking, he was ready to yell a warcry when Ghazghkull stepped on him.

“ye, wat ‘e sez.”

“WE DON’T NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!” The mayor yells.

“Applejack, man the harpoon and pull one of those green things in. I’m sure with enough science I can learn how to defeat it with kindness!” Twilight proclaimed.

As Applejack fired a harpoon into the crowd she felt it puncture something solid. The crowd of greenskins parted like the red sea to show that the harpoon has pierced through an explosive squig’s leg.

“NO! APPLEJACK PLEASE DON’T PULL THAT BACK IN!” Rarity yelled. The Squig simply nodded at her, a handsome smile on it’s face saying it was okay for her to pull it in. Applejack began to sweat profusely, pupils dilating at such a mouth watering catch.

“Ah dunno Rarity...that’s a purty big meatball…” Applejack said.

In the distance an Ork was pouring gravy onto the squigg’s head giving her a thumbs up while the squigg continued to smile and nod towards her.

“Ah can feed mahself for a whole spankin’ day with dat meatball!” Applejack said

“...b-but Applejack! we can feed our whole family for a year with a meatball that big.” Big Mac said.

“Deary please…”

“MY MIND’S TELLING ME NO….BUT MY BODY….MY BODY’S TELLING ME YES!” Applejack yelled before pulling the explosive squigg towards the bunker.

“EVERYONE HIT THE DECK!” The mayor yelled. The explosive squig was enough to breach the hull and only kill applejack, spraying a viscera of blood and eaten spaghetti everywhere.

“I WAZ ‘OPIN FER YA DUMB GLU FAKTRIES TO AXEPT ME’Z OFERIN’, I GESS WE’Z JUS GUNNA ‘AFTA WAGE A WAAAGH!!! ON YA!” Ghazghkull yelled as all the Orkz began to charge the bunker screeching “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHHH!!!!!”

“No, I’m not gonna let myself get pushed around by these people anymore.” Rainbow Dash says as she pulls a heavy bolter off her back. Before she could fire a rather large Ork on a motorcycle appears next to her.

“Ey pony, wanna ‘az ah good ol’ race?” Wazdakka asked.

“You bet your tailfeathers Rainbow Dash does! You’re on.” Rainbow says as she flies off with the only heavy bolter they owned.

“NO! Rainbow dash we needed that!” Twilight yells.

All the orkz stared at the horses standing awkwardly in the bunker. “So, werez dis famous meatball recipeh wez keep ‘earin about?” an Ork boy asks.

“Oh no, maybe we should send a representative to talk to them, they might reconsider all of this.” Twilight said while maliciously looking at Fluttershy.

“U-Um, e-excuse me? Mister Ork people? Um..y-you don’t think y-you can sto-” but before Fluttershy could finish a painboy already grabbed her and began ripping her limbs off screaming “I NEEDZ MOAR BODIE PARTZ!”

“Nowz, lil ‘orses, wut way ya tinks iz da best way ta zog ya?”

“P-please mister ork if you let us go, I’ll throw you a massive party and give you like, five MILLION cupcakes!” Pinkie pie interjected.

“NOT GUD ENUFF!” Ghazghkull said, promptly stuffing Pinkie Pie into his mouth and swallowing her

“I’ll arm wrestle you for them!” a voice called from among the ponies

“ ‘O sed dat?”

“It was me, YYYYYYEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!” Bulk Bic- Snowflake said, heroically emerging from the crowd

“Youz gotta deal ‘orse” Ghazghkull grabbed five ponies and stuck them together longways making a makeshift table. “Redy ta git krumped ‘orse?”

“I’M ALWAYS READY YYYYEEEEAAAAAHHHH”

The two parties put hoof an arm upon the table, the sounds of spines cracking was audible, they locked, and then they began to push. Hours, maybe even days or weeks have gone by since it first began. Today’s moments were particularly dull, as their were no cheers of “Orks! Orks! Orks!” from the green crowd or cacophonous shrieks of despair from the pony side, just focus. Both faction’s eyes boring into the contestants bearing down on the arm wrestle that would decide their fates. Spike was serving hors d'oeuvres while occasionally an unfixed object would fall off the wall, or a light would break, none were noticed by the crowd.

A few more hours later something strange began to happen, gravity itself seemed to lose focus on it’s job and observed the fight as horses and orks alike began to float in mid-air.

“Twilight what’s happening!” Rarity yelled to twilight, the sudden lack of gravity killing her hairdo.

“I-it’s a paradox!” Terror clearly evident in Twilight’s features. “The universe doesn’t know how to handle this, reality’s tearing itself apart!”

“What do we do Twilight?”

“We sit back and enjoy the ride.” Discord said sitting in air between Twilight and Rarity, eating a popcorn of box.

“Discord when did you- Help us please!”

“You want ME to help? I’m sorry sister but this is the end of the line, outta my hands, somethings gonna happen and sweet sarsaparilla it’s going to be great!”

A portal suddenly opened showing a green mass of disease and a creature so attractive twilight would have devoted her existence to it if she wasn’t currently fearing for her life.

“Discord what’s holdin you up? I had to keep your seat warm for poker night.”

“Coming Nurgy, looks like you’re on your own kid.” and with that, discord was gone.

“DISCORD WAI-” and just like that, not unlike the sound of a wet sponge being torn in half, the universe ripped itself apart. Time was not itself anymore it became solid to Twilight, something she could measure. The past, present and future for her and everypony that will ever exist was laid out before her she saw her life and death as well as countless others the newfound omnipotence was horrible and wonderful all at the same time, it was the greatest pain and the ultimate pleasure, she died and was reborn in these mile long moments. the universe itself laid bare before her at her hoof tips, with a simple push the fate of galaxies were altered by her and then it all went black.

Meanwhile

“Ugh.... Always in the middle of tea time.” Celestia felt the rending of reality all the way from Canterlot, it was a familiar feeling and one she did not care for so much. But luckily it didn’t happen in her city this time so somepony else could deal with it while she cuddled up in her bed. Suddenly there was a knock at the door, a Loud knock.

“IZ TIME FO DA WAAAAAGH!!!! PRINZESS!”

“NO NOT AGAI-” But before Celestia finished her sentence Gork already kicked down her door and clotheslined the princess. “WHY!?” was all the she could say before Mork snuck up behind her, putting her in a full nelson.

“BECUZ WE DA ORKS, AN WE’Z BETTA DAN YOU!” As Gork’s fist made it’s approach to Celestias face she could have sworn she saw her sister in the hallway smiling that battle cannon smile at her before she reversed on her treads back down the hallway, but she will never learn the truth. Fore Gork punched her, and she exploded.