A Lick of Good Sense

Everything went better than expected.

                   The Investigator took things pretty well, considering. After a short conversation, he showed me the forensics report on the injuries. One dead, one lost the use of one of his front forelegs, and the third had a concussion. It was at that point that it finally hit me – so far, I had killed two people in the past week. Killed.

                   To be more accurate, it hit my stomach. I excused myself to the nearest restroom.

                   After cleaning up, I came back to Sharp’s office. He had a lot of questions, most of which I declined to answer, including the location of the rest of my race, which I waved off as ‘far away.’ He reassured me that the police report would be kept on a need-to-know basis, and wouldn’t be publicly released.

                   On top of that, under the Good Samaritan act, charges would be dropped. It was made by Princess Celestia some three hundred years ago, when an ex-guard killed one and injured two bank robbers in defense of a few mares. Fortunately for him, Celestia intervened on the court case and dropped all charges. I was released from the police station without too much more trouble, only having to give a statement on what had transpired for the records. I finally headed back to my friend’s apartment.

                   That was when things got awkward.

oOo

Bloody hell, man. Talk about bad timing.

oOo

*rewind*

                   Walking down the street, I spied a stand selling fresh soft pretzels, and realized I was hungry – very much so, in fact. Using what little money I had, I bought a lemonade and a pretzel with everything on it, and sate down on a nearby bench and ate my impromptu meal.

                   I took this time to reflect over what I had learned about the new world I was in, and about my new body. Theorizing about how I somehow knew how to fly and use my weapons right off the bat, I came back to my shape shifting ability.

Maybe I just automatically know the basics of how the body works, and how to use it when I change into it? That would explain the speed in which I learned to fly. But then again, I couldn’t cast magic as a unicorn. But wait, I COULD use a pegasus’s cloud-walking magic. Maybe… Oh! Maybe I can gain full access to the magic and body of something by reading its mind. I made a link with Skimmer, and griffons can walk on clouds as well! So, in theory, if I extract enough information from something, I can mimic a fully developed member of their species! Skip the learning curve, strait to the good stuff. Bloody fantastic.

                   Testing my theory was very simple; I just had to read the minds of as many unicorns as possible. I started with one sitting on the bench just behind me. I delved into his mind, seeing all the surface thoughts swirling around. This time, I tried going deeper. The process was actually mentally straining, and I had to push through unseen barriers, but I was able to go deeper and deeper. I saw flashes of his past, like a moving slideshow displaying ten different memories at once. It was almost overwhelming, but I kept on sifting, until I came upon what I was looking for: a little corner of his psyche containing his knowledge of magic. I metaphorically dove into it, and began almost drinking in the information, copying it and bringing it into my own mind.

                   I don’t know how to explain the feeling of any of that, or how it seemed so easy, but lessons upon lessons and spells upon spells – the stallion must have been a professor or librarian, or something else of the sort – flashed before my eyes, temporarily immobilizing me. What was years of experience was gained in milliseconds, hours upon hours of practice performed in a fraction of a fraction of a minute.

                   It was a sensory overload; hearing a teacher drone on about theory and complex arcane equations, tasting a potion brewed, feeling the curvature of a rune, seeing the strings of magic do their work, smelling brimstone and sulfur, all in the blink of an eye. Eventually snapping out of my daze, I refocused on the world around me. Peering side to side, I noticed a back alley to my right. I casually walked into it, and, once I was obscured from view, exchanged my wings for a horn.

                   I now felt a tangible buildup of energy in my body, focused around my horn. Looking at an old tin can on the ground, I reached out to it in an eerily familiar way, and I saw a grey aura appear around. Suppressing a child-like squeal of glee, I jumped from hoof to hoof in excitement.

This is so bloody cool!

                   I floated the can around me, zipping it back and forth for a while, before dropping it. I concentrated hard, trying to think of something more complex. To my surprise and frustration, all the memories I had taken seemed to be just out of my metaphorical ‘reach.’

Why the bloody hell can’t I use his memories? Wait… It’s not that I can’t use them… I just plain can’t access them, at least not yet.

                   Reaching into my own mind, I tried finding the stolen experience. It seemed to be compacted in a ball, apart from my main consciousness. This was the first time anything in any mind had made a definitive shape, and I was taken aback.

What the…

                   It was like a glass ball filled with a wispy blue smoke, swirling around within. I was entranced by it for a moment, staring into the roiling depths that seemed to have a mind of their own. Around it, coiling slowly, small tendrils of the mist moved less sporadically than those on the interior flowed towards the rest of my mind, then spreading out to various corners of my consciousness.

I’m not even going to try and bloody figure that one out. I guess more advanced magic will have to bloody wait.

                   Angrily, I decided that I had left Ridge hanging long enough – it was time to head back to her place.

oOo

Stepping into the landing of the tall building, I started making my way up. I passed a foal and its mother on the way up, and we exchanged pleasantries. Reaching the floor where I would be residing, I once again knocked on Ridge’s door. I heard a muffled curse, a clattering of hooves, and the lock on the door slide out of place. The door swung open, and I saw Ridge, wearing a messy apron, looking as disheveled as can be. Well, at least I saw her backside as she started walking back into the kitchen.

“Hold on, Gleam. I’ll just be a moment, and then I’ll properly welcome you.” She seemed very distracted, and I smelled food cooking.

“Uh, Ridge. My name’s not bloody gleam.” I deadpanned.

She spun around, a look of surprise on her face. “Oh my gosh! Sorry, I thought you were some pony else.”

We both closed the gap between us and hugged, her discarding the apron as we neared each other, nuzzling each other I picked up from watching the interactions of other ponies when I went out and about. “They told me you would be there for about a week. How are you already out?”

“Well, I-“ A voice cut me off.

“get you Celestia-damned hooves of my bucking marefriend!”

oOo

Bloody hell, man. Talk about bad timing.

I turned my head to see an azure blue pegasus stallion with a darker blue mane stood in the doorway, seething with rage. “I’m gone for a month, and you already go behind my bucking back with some random stallion?!” he yelled at ridge, who visibly cringed at the verbal assault.

“Gleam, it isn’t like that! You know I would never do that!” She retorted, obviously hurt at the remark.

“Oh, yeah? You seemed to be getting pretty close to lover boy over here! Explain that!” He yelled back, angrier than before.

Ridge was about to reply, but I cut her off, taking a few steps towards the aggravated pegasus. “Hey man, this is NOT what it bloody looks like. Ridge and I-“

The stallion stormed towards me, and shoving face into mine, yelled once more. “Oh, and what is it then? Just casually feeling up my marefriend?!”

“No! It was a completely platonic gesture! I don’t even date outside of my own species!” I retorted.

Looks like that backstory will come in handy well bloody sooner than expected.

The still-unnamed stallion turned his fiery gaze at Ridge once more, his eyes now burning with fury. “And he’s a bucking changeling?!”

Now or never.

I shifted to my ‘vampony’ form as he took more steps towards Ridge. When the change was complete, I spoke clearly, cutting of the stallion. “Vampire, actually. There’s a HUGE difference, trust me. One of use feeds on flesh, the other on love. Simple as that.”

“What the buck…” He muttered as he saw me, bat wings and all. I turned, and, shutting the door, reverted to my go-to form. I turned back to see the stallion eyeing me warily. His gaze shot back to Ridge. “AND he’s a bucking VAMPONY? What kind of sick, twisted fetishes do you have?”

I blanked for a moment, completely flabbergasted at the current situation.

What the… I mean, actually… WHAT?

Coming back to reality, I saw the two in each other’s faces, yelling their heads off. I could almost see spittle flying back and forth, and I could barely tell what they were saying in their cacophony of anger.

Okay, how to stop this? Ummm…. Oh, yes. Bloody yes.

Grinning, I shifted my form to that of my unicorn counterpart. Stepping closer, I readied my newfound levitation magic, and, not very subtly, pushed their heads together.

Ridge is either going to hate me for this, or love me forever.

                   The unexpected movement made them pause their ranting, giving me the perfect opportunity. Tilting their heads, I forced both of their lips together.

                   There was a flash of surprise on both of their faces, and they looked around wildly, but quickly locked eyes with each other. Releasing my hold, I let them regain control of their bodies.

                   They didn’t last ten seconds before…

                   Umm…

                   You get the picture.

oOo

                   I had just finished dinner, trying to block out the sounds coming from the bedroom, set the table, and sat down when Ridge and Gleam came out looking disheveled and in a state of bliss , and on top of that, unparalleled by the effects of any drugs.

                   Oh? How did I figure out his name? Well, Ridge was probably expecting him, and not me, hence her calling me by his name. Oh, and it helps when his name was literally yelled nonstop over and over again in the room next to me, accompanied by some other rather… Interesting comments.

                   The couple sat down with me around the small table, and I eyed both of them casually. They began eating slowly, an awkward silence falling over everyone.

                   “Umm… You’re cool in my book. For a vampony. I guess…” Gleam grinned awkwardly, trying to break the tension. He went to give me a light punch on my shoulder, but I flinched away, pushing his hoof away.

                   “I have no bloody idea where that’s been, and I have no intention of finding out. The gesture, however, is appreciated. Name’s Prince.” I said, my voice much more gruff than usual.

                   Ridge, too, tried breaking the tension. “This is really good. Where’d you learn to do this?”

                   I shrugged casually; grateful for the praise- I’ve always been proud of my cooking. “I picked it up from my mother. She did it for a living.”

                   I had finished (and saved) Ridge’s attempt at lasagna to the best of my abilities. Unfortunately, there wasn’t any meat, but, even if there was, I don’t think my current company would appreciate that kind of cuisine. It was true that my mom was a chef – she owned her own restaurant, and I worked there part-time.

                   “But really, this is good.” Gleam gestured with his fork. “Oh, and, by the way, my name’s Gleam.”

                   “So I’ve heard.” Both of them blushed furiously - something that shouldn’t really be possible with fur - and shifted uncomfortably.

                   “So, where were you for the past couple of weeks? I haven’t seen you around.” I addressed Gleam.

                   “I was escorting a caravan to Canterlot, and there’s a lot of D-Dog activity reported on that route, as well as the one to Manehatten.” He said through a mouthful of food. “We didn’t see any, but we were pretty heavily armed, so that probably scared ‘em off.”

                   “Ridge and I have some experience with the pack on the way to Manehatten. I hear the guard smoked ‘em out of their hole like rats in a sewer” I responded, looking back over to Ridge.

                   “I’d just as well forget that experience, mind you.” Ridge grumbled.

                   “Really? What happened?” Gleam had a look of curiosity on his face.

                   “Long story short, I got foalnapped, and then Ridge got captured looking for me. We made it out, told the guard, and they raided the place.” Ridge rolled her eyes.

                   “By that he means he saved my sorry flank.” She deadpanned

                   “Hey, I bloody owed you one. Remember Skimmer? That bastard was psychotic.” Gleam started laughing.

                   “You didn’t owe me anything! You stopped that lunkhead beforehoof!” Was the retort. Gleam started laughing.

                   “That didn’t even count! It took no effort!” I yelled. Our company fell out of his chair.

Jesus fucking Christ, these ponies drive me to drink.