The room was dank and musty, with the heavy smell of burnt incence and waxy candles. The only light came from the aforementioned candles. Four figures were huddled around a small chalked pentagram on the floor. The door from above them made a small thud, startling one of the figures.
"Sorry I'm late guys. Car trouble." said a figure, hurrying to get the hood over his head.
"Have you got what is required?" asked Plot
"Yes, but do we have to speak in riddles? The stuffy cloaks are bad enough." winged Poison as he handed over a small pile of mince in clear plastic.
"Look, if we want to do this correctly, we need to do everything to the last letter." Treachery scolded "Who knows what might happen?"
"So why are we using four pounds of meat from the butcher for $5.99?"
"Look, the ritual to summon this deamon only asked for meat of an animal. It didn't specify what kind." grumbled Treason
"Depends on how you define animal."
"Agh! Now I’ve lost my concentration!" shouted Plot, whipping the hood off her red hair "How about we just go upstairs for a beer and then we try it again."
"Good idea" said Malice as he took off his musty robe revealing the black t-shirt and white jeans underneath. The group removed their robes and walked for the exit. Unfortunately, one of their shoes scuffed against the outline of the carefully drawn pentagram.
The Cult of the Evil Monkey was in the kitchen of their ugly, low rent flat in Edinburgh. Plot was fixing up her black and white makeup, Treason was re-adjusting his spiked wrist-wrap, Poison was drinking a can of cheap beer while Treachery and Malice were listening to the latest album from Headstorm. Those weren’t their real names of course, but they left those behind in the dust when they joined the Cult. Admittedly, it wasn’t a stellar success, but nothing ever was at first. The ritual they were trying to perform was to summon a deamon to make them more influential. Then they would spread their message into a full-blown religion. Unfortunately, they had no message. They were in fact, quite literally, rebels without a cause or anything to rebel against. Nobody knew about them, so nobody was oppressing them. After a few beers and a broken guitar string later they decided to try the ritual again.
Four ponies were standing in a room, looking intently at a table with another pony laying on her back and a unicorn with an immense look of concentration on her face.
“Are you sure this spell is going to work Twi’?” Applejack asked curiously, unsure of exactly what was happening
“Don’t worry Applejack, this won’t hurt if that’s what you’re thinking” Twilight said soothingly
“So what is this spell of yours supposed to do exactly?” Rainbow Dash said. She was as unsure of this as Applejack
“If I do it correctly, it should be able to allow Applejack to teleport at will like unicorns.” Twilight explained “At least until Apple Bucking season is over.”
“Oooh! That sounds really cool, do ya think that you could do it for me next, I always wanted to put party decorations up reeeeeally quickly! Hey, do you think we could have a party after…” Pinkie Pie started one of her endless monologues, so Twilight just sighed and started to perform the spell.
“I don’t even know why we came here Fluttershy. We had our weekly spa visit today!” Rarity whined
“This is important to Applejack.” Fluttershy whispered “I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
“Okay, let’s try this again.” groaned Plot. She was a very light drinker, and was feeling a bit tipsy from her first few sips. The five figures around the pentagram hadn’t noticed the scuff marks around it, destroying the safety seal. The Cult of the Evil Monkey started their chanting, and the pentagram shone deep lavender.
“Hang on, was that supposed to happen?” asked Treason “Isn’t it normally red?”
“Ah bum.”
Twilight’s horn was yanked away from Applejack’s prone body and instead pointed to the sky. A deep red light slowly enveloped the room. Fluttershy squealed as she dived under the table as Twilight’s eyes became the same colour as the light filling the room.
“Ooh! Pretty!” Was all Pinkie Pie was able to say before all the ponies vanished from the face of Equestria. Incidentally, in the basement of a squat flat in the middle of Edinburgh, a small group of Goths completely vanished from the Human Realm.
One by one, the ponies slowly woke up. After a brief head-count, they checked their surroundings. They had woken up in a dark room with a lot of candles and a big white star on the ground.
“Where the hay are we?” Applejack wondered aloud
“I…I don’t know.” Twilight said fearfully. This place just didn’t FEEL right. “Let’s get out of here. This place gives me the creeps.”
One by one, the Goths slowly woke up. After a brief head-count, they checked their surroundings. They were in a small purple room with a small, plain wooden table in the middle.
“Where the hell are we?” Plot wondered aloud
“I…I don’t know.” Treason said fearfully. This place felt just too… CHEERFUL. “Oh well. Let’s look around for some food. There has to be something here.”
Before they even got to the door, Spike wandered into the room. He stared at the small group for a short while with a blank look on his face, slapped a scaly hand to his forehead and muttered something about inter-dimensional teleportation and wandered out of the room into the library below, muttering oaths under his breath as he searched for a certain book.
“What in hell was that?!” Treason shouted
“I think it was a… Dragon?” Poison ventured. Spike wandered back into the room again and thumped a giant book on the table.
“You’re the third ones this week.” He said as he walked out the door “Just don’t cause another cataclysm.”
The C.E.M stared at the dragon, and then at the book. It read A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO EQUESTRIA AND HOW NOT TO DESTROY IT; BY SPIKE. It seemed just a tiny bit cynical.
“What was he talking about?” Plot asked “What did he mean by ‘we’re the third ones this week’?”
“Exactly what I said” Spike said as he poked his head in the room. “We get frequent humans teleporting in from all over your world, and it’s starting to get a little annoying having to teach every single one of you everything about Equestria, so I put it all in the guide.”
“Oh.” Spike slammed the door and trudged down the stairs. The sudden realisation dawned upon Poison.
“Oh no…” he said shaking.
“What?” Plot pushed
“He said we were in Equestria right?”
“Yes…”
“That means we’re in the…” he shuddered as he said the cult’s forbidden words “My Little Pony universe.” The reaction was nothing short of spectacular as the pandemonium broke out. Plot began feverishly smacking herself in the face as if to wake up from a horrifying dream, Treachery sat down and started crying, and Poison tried to hold Malice while he was trying to jump out the window. After it all died down, they decided to open the book to try and find how to get home.
Twilight, Rarity and Applejack were looking up in the bedroom, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were raiding the fridge, even though there was nothing in there except for cheap beer and pizza, while Fluttershy hid under the kitchen table. Rarity screamed and came running down the stairs at speeds that almost rivalled Rainbow Dash.
“What horrible, ghastly, TERRIBLE clothes!” Rarity squealed before squirming under the table with Fluttershy. “It was all in horrible black, green and purple! Not even remotely pleasant shades either!”
“She’s right.” Twilight said “There’s almost nothing here that isn’t in black, red, purple or green.” Rainbow Dash shot up the stairs to have a look. After a large amount of banging and crashing, she came down the stairs dressed in full gothic apparel. Her normal blue coat was now covered by white makeup, but her mane remained the same. Spiked wristbands completely covered her forelegs and back legs, and she was wearing two silver rings on top of her left ear. Fluttershy nearly fainted, but Rarity did it quite successfully. Rainbow Dash burst out laughing as she saw the reactions of her friends.
“Ooh, ooh, my turn! My turn!” Pinkie yelled as she sped up the stairs. She then came rocketing down, dressed in enough lace to tie the shoes of the entire US military. Eventually, all of the ponies (except Fluttershy and the unconscious Rarity) were dressed up in gothic clothing. Twilight was in shiny black stockings and a small purple skirt and Applejack had skulls all over her. When Rarity regained consciousness, she tried to sneak away, but Pinkie wrapped her forelegs around her and dragged her up to the bedroom. (Author’s Note: Is this turning into a Clop-Fic? Comment to leave your thoughts) Pinkie Pie was lenient. Rarity was dressed in a gothic Lolita dress, with matching parasol. The ponies posed for a photo as Fluttershy fumbled with an old camera. However, things in Equestria were not going quite as well.
Almost the entire Cult was in the foetal position, while Poison and Plot drew all the curtains they could find. By the time they were finished, the library was near pitch black, much to the annoyance of Spike. Treachery was still reading the book, flipping through the pages to find a way to get home. Unfortunately, all the ways to get home were by magic, and Twilight was the only one with in-depth knowledge of such a magic. This was not good. The only way they could get back home, was by going to see the Princesses, and that was not a good idea. Something told them that a wannabe cult of Goths from Edinburgh wouldn’t sit quite well with a sun god. They had two choices, either sneak into the Royal Library, steal an inter-dimensional spell book and hope that the book itself could create a portal, OR kidnap another powerful magic user to teleport them back. These are the only plans they could come up with because they didn’t bother to think too hard. So they decided to steal the book. What’s the worst that could go wrong? The Cult cautiously descended the stairs while Spike was reading a Daring Do book. He didn’t normally read, but Daring Do was a rare exception. Spike tried his hardest to ignore them, but they just stuck out like a sore thumb. They slipped out the door. Spike began counting. He didn’t even get to three when the cult nearly broke down the door in their haste to get away from all the colourful ponies. He sighed as he closed the door. It was going to be hell in a hand basket to keep them from leaping off the top of the library. The Cult decided to take a different approach. Since the daytime was full of the ponies they so feared, they would wait until nightfall. Night came, and so the cult slipped out the window of the library. Once on the ground, they ran off in what they thought was the direction of the castle. Poison then ran back into the library, grabbed an atlas, and regrouped with the cult.
Several hours had passed, and nothing major had happened. When day came, they had to shield their eyes from the sun. It was much brighter here, but not as hot. They eventually found a dark forest which they decided to reside in until the night came back.
The shadowy figure looked deep into her crystal ball, hooves rubbing together maliciously. Her plan was falling together perfectly. She removed the ball from its cradle, and it turned from the Goth’s grove to milky white. The figure selected another ball from a small cabinet beside her and placed it inside the cradle. She peered into it as she saw the scene unfold before her.
The ponies were all sitting in the lounge room, having tired of dressing up and were now gazing at the TV. It was a battered piece of junk, with a coat hanger serving as an ariel. A crack had managed to form in the bottom right corner of the screen. Twilight fumbled with the remote until she found the power button. What they saw horrified them. In the dusty battlefield of Afghanistan, IEDs were killing soldiers left and right, bullets were flying and cars were burning. Changing the channel did nothing, as they switched to a violent ice hockey fight. Teeth were flying, blood was spilling on the ice and the crowd loved every second of its brutality. Flicking from channel to channel, the ponies were horrified at the world they found themselves in. Violence, depression and death were broadcasted all over the world, even though it was happening right on their doorstep. Fluttershy was hiding behind the couch, Rainbow Dash was starring in disbelief and most of the others just held their hooves to their mouths in disgust. The horror was eventually broken when Applejack bucked the offending TV out the window. After a brief session of calming down, the ponies wandered into the kitchen to eat. It was getting late, so they headed upstairs to sleep.
The night was awful. Dogs were barking, drunken yells filled the air, and the occasional gunshot was fired. The ponies were utterly petrified. For the first time they looked out to the street. Barbed wire and corrugated iron fences towered over alleys with burning bins and tattered figures huddling around them. The ponies were speechless. They needed to get back to Equestria as soon as possible.
The shadowy figure was satisfied. Selecting another crystal, she dropped it into the cradle, and peered deeply into it.
The Goths were moving silently along the outside of the castle. Using a rope they fashioned from vines, the Goths climbed up one of the towers. After carefully opening one of the windows, Plot slipped inside to check it out. Seeing no guards, she helped haul the rest of the cult up. The cult was not in the library, but it was close enough. Sneaking down the corridors with their backs to the wall and descending several flights of stairs, they found themselves looking at the main room of the Star Swirl the Bearded wing. Unfortunately, the way was barred by a metal cage like door.
“Great. Now what?” Poison whined
“Now we find a way inside.” Treachery said slowly “There might be an air vent or something that leads inside. There’s always one in movies.
After searching every square inch of wall, they found close to nothing. There was a slight crack in a wall, but not enough to make the solid stone wall any weaker.
“Well, we could try and pick the lock.” Plot said, taking a hairpin out “Treason, I believe that this honour is yours.”
As Treason set to work, the other members of the cult kept a lookout. Fortunately, Treason was able to unlock the door. The cult swarmed inside and feverishly began searching for a spell book that could get them home.
Twilight was racking her brain, trying to remember any spell that could get them back, but it was useless. She just couldn’t concentrate when Pinkie was charging and bashing her head against a wall. Nopony knew why, but it was better not to question Pinkie’s motives. Rarity was trying to comfort Fluttershy, but to no avail. Rainbow Dash was busy pacing and all Applejack was doing was drinking all the cans of the cheap beer she could find. It wasn’t cider, but it would help. Just when Twilight was about to give up, she heard a horrible crunching sound. Pinkie was lying on her flank, in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres!
“I found a way through!” Pinkie said before the concussion took a hold of her. The others were astounded as Twilight facehoofed. She just had to break the fourth wall again. Doctor Hooves told her that if she did that any more she could tear the fabric of time and space apart! She was so irresponsible at times. Picking up the drunken Applejack, she leaped through the hole in reality.
The shadowed figure cried in anguish. Her plan had been ruined! Smashing the crystal ball on the ground, she cursed herself for her clumsiness. Picking up another crystal ball from her cabinet, she stared intently at the crystal. The Goths had found one of the forbidden books! She beat her wings in frustration. Her great plan was falling apart! The best idea she had come up with in forever, and it was all going wrong! Where? What went wrong?!
With the book under one arm, the cult treaded lightly until they were far away from the palace. Once they were back at the grove, they took a closer look at the book in question. It was fairly large and heavy, and the cover appeared to be made out of some kind of tanned flesh. The corners were accented with spikes. To anypony from Equestria, it would look fearsome and macabre. To the cult, it looked pretty badass. Plot began marking a large pentagram inside a square in the dirt with a stick. The others began memorising the words. This was the strangest spell they had come across in their years as a cult. It required no sacrifices to speak of, no weird hand signs, no overly complicated chants. You just had to place the book in the middle of the sigil on the ground, and step on the book. After much debating, it was designated that Poison go first.
“But why me?” he cowered
“Because if you don’t we’ll leave you here.” Plot said, with Treachery grunting in agreement. Poison sighed and stepped onto the book. He waited for a good five minutes, but absolutely nothing happened.
“That was supposed to be out ticket home!” Plot yelled
“I can’t stay here any longer! The colour! Too much colour!” screamed Treason
“I hate this damned book!!!” Treachery yelled as he threw the foul tome into the mud of their grove. This was a very, VERY, bad decision.
Twilight’s head jerked up from inspecting Applejack’s prone form. She had drunk WAY too much beer. She sniffed the air as she felt a chill run down her spine. This had only happened once before, when someone dared tarnish one of her most precious books. She bolted off into the sunset, without listening to the other’s cries of shock. Her eyes had become bloodshot, and trees were scraping and scratching her with spindly branches as she ran through them. Eventually, she found them. The book breakers.
“How DARE YOU!” She screamed, charging one of the Goths and slamming another into a tree with her magic, knocking Poison out cold. Before she could react, Twilight crashed into Plot, sending them both spiralling into the mud. When the others arrived, they were having an all-out mud wrestling match, as Twilight was trying to prevent the book from sinking any further into the mud.
“He he, looks like fun!” Pinkie said, hoping from one hoof to another before galloping to the mud puddle. “GERONIMO!!!” The resulting mud splash covered all of the ponies in a thick layer of mud, much to the disgust of Rarity.
“Now hold on a secon… *hic* Second.” Applejack said woozily. “Whut are y’all doin’ here in th’ ferst *hic* place?”
“We have no idea actually.” Poison said, rubbing his head where he hit the tree. “We tried to perform a ritual, but it must’ve gone wrong.”
“That doesn’t explain why you had to destroy this book!” Twilight screamed
“The spell we tried didn’t work, so Treachery threw it into the mud.” Plot said icily “Now could you get your hoof out of my stomach?”
After explaining everything, the ponies and the Goths started walking back to the hole in reality, only to find it patched up again. It had seemed the good doctor had done his job a little too well. So now the Goths were very distressed. They had no way to go home, and they were stuck in a place where everything was so colourful, it hurt to look at it.
The figure breathed a sigh of relief. Her plan was still on track. But now she thought about it, what was her plan? Did she bring those humans here because she wanted some friends? That didn’t make any sense. She didn’t introduce herself to them. To send the Elements of Harmony to the human realm? That couldn’t be it! It could have heralded the return of Discord! Or someone much nastier… The figure realised why she did it. She wanted attention. Positive attention. She wanted people to look at her, and see her as a friend instead of just a scatterbrained Pegasus. Derpy buried her face in her hooves. What had she done?! How had she done it? She realised as her brain looked back into the events of previous weeks.
“Derpy! This is the fifteenth time you’ve messed up this week!” the Postmaster yelled “And I don’t want that tired old excuse Derpy! You’re fired! End of story!”
Derpy was sitting in the Postmaster’s office after dropping another shipment of fragile teapots for the china shop. It wasn’t her fault. That passing dragonfly had made her sneeze and drop the crate rope from her mouth. The Postmaster himself was fuming, his moustache bristling.
“But…” Derpy began, but was cut off by a dismissive wave by the furious Postmaster
“No buts Derpy! I can’t afford to put up with your mistakes anymore! Pack your things and get out of here!”
Derpy sighed. She trotted out of the post office and onto the street. She walked for a while before walking into a streetlight. She then saw something she never thought she’d see; Twilight and her friends, laughing at her. She didn’t understand. Twilight would never be so insensitive! She blushed crimson as she spread her wings and took to the skies.
When she got home, she ran upstairs and buried her face in her pillow and wept. She cried about how the world was so unfair, how she just wanted a friend, and why she had to be so stupid. After hours of this, her sadness turned to rage. She hated how Twilight and her friends laughed at her. She hated how they had all the friends, and she hated how everyone laughed at her. She then looked at her bedside table, and saw something that wasn’t there before. A small cabinet. Cautiously, she opened it, and a small note fell out. It read:
‘Dear Miss Hooves,
I understand how you feel. I was wronged by Twilight and her friends too. And I see that we both have one thing in mind. Revenge. I can assist you here. I have given you a wand which contains enough magic to harness Twilight’s magic and use it for your own purposes. The crystal balls shall let you monitor their progress. Do this, and I guarantee that you will have many friends.
-The Great and Powerful Trixie’
Trixie?! The conning showmare? Derpy didn’t stop to think about the ramifications of helping Trixie. All she wanted was revenge. So for the next few weeks, Derpy Hooves monitored Twilight’s every activity. Then, when Twilight tried to make Applejack able to teleport, Derpy used that spell to try and teleport them far away from Ponyville. Unfortunately, it seemed some unknown variable had caused the ponies to be replaced with humans! Derpy flew away unnoticed, to keep track of where she sent the other ponies.
Derpy realised that what she was doing wasn’t going to give her friends. If anything, it would make her lose them. She could never forgive herself, unless she told Twilight that it was all her fault. Derpy threw open the curtains and flew out the window.
Trixie was not pleased. Her plan had failed, and her only pawn was going to ruin it all! Knocking her crystal ball to the ground, The Great and Powerful Trixie smashed open her door and began teleporting herself across the land.
The Goths and ponies were all in Ponyville Library. Twilight and Plot were searching through books to find another universal teleportation spell, when Derpy came crashing through the window. She quickly brushed herself off and launched into a huge speech about how she did it all. She was about halfway through when Trixie literally broke the door off its hinges.
“Oh great. Now what?!” Twilight yelled.
“Take a good look around Twilight! This is the last you’ll be seeing of your precious library!” She laughed maniacally, as she fired a bright blue beam from her horn directly at Twilight. Twilight blocked it with another beam, but then something catastrophic happened.
The Cult of the Evil Monkey woke up in their kitchen. They looked around, and saw…their kitchen. Exactly as it was, with no multi-coloured ponies in sight. They remembered their last moments in Equestria. That weird blue unicorn and grey Pegasus, and that explosion. After a hasty conference, it was decided. No more weird rituals. Ever. And with that, the Cult of the Evil Monkey was disbanded. Now it was just five friends sitting in a squat flat in Edinburgh. Listening to music, drinking cheap beer and eating pizza. Yup. This was the human way to live.
