My Little Freaks: Equestria against Outcasts

by Okhlahoma Beat-Down

Rating: teen
Tags: Gore, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Original Character, Comedy, Other, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle, Random
Length: 9512

Twilight Sparkle, in her new Princesshood, decides to summon several different creatures from another universe to learn of their habits. Unfortunately, after summoning a batch from the wrong universe, she is forced to care for several violent freaks.

"Twilight, I'm sure you and the girls will be able to look after them. After all, they can't be that bad, right?"

When curiosity gets the better of Twilight, she summoned forth the Freaks.
When confusion overtook the Freaks, they realized they weren't at home.
When they weren't at home, they'd need to be looked after.
When looking after them, they must be fed.
Painis Cupcake was not fed.
He will eat you.

Heh, just thought it might be funny to see how the ponies would respond to different TF2 Freaks. After all, GentleSpy living with somepony with equally high tastes can only end well for my writing skills, correct?

Published 2013-09-17 21:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-22 21:24:38 UTC

Painis, Pans, and Ponies

8:00PM

Princess Twilight Sparkle's bedchambers.

Canterlot Palace.

Twilight sat alone at a desk amidst piles of letters, books, and scrolls. Her tired eyes skimmed over yet another message from a snooty noble, giving 99 reasons why Twilight should take his hoof in marriage, and that he should be Prince. Sighing loudly, facehoofing, and letting out a slow, stressed breath, she levitated her quill to a new piece of paper. Unfurling it, she wrote;

To Duke Gem Rhine XIII

Go buck yourself. But on a lighter hoof, congratulations!

You're the 1000th letter of this type I've received since becoming part of the monarchy.

All my non-existent and totally sarcastic love,

- Princess Twilight

Yawning in satisfaction at her hoofwork, she furled it back up, sealed it, and made it disappear, headed on an express path to 'Duke' Gem Rhine's house. She knew he was sprucing himself up. She'd met him, and he simply dismissed her as Princess Celestia's little pet.

Now who was the bitch, hmm?

She didn't much partake in swearing, she thought as she got up and exited the massive piles of letters, but she had MUCH matured since she donned her crown. In fact, she was the last one out of her friends to get a pet, since she thought she couldn't handle it. She paused for a second, and looked behind her. Reaching almost to the ceiling, the huge mountain of letters loomed high over her. That was the Junk Mail pile. Nothing interesting came from those, she found, except the free samples of magic enhancement pills, free quills, and offers from buisnesses she liked. So, since it wasn't tourist season, she concentrated for a second. Then, in a huge blinding flash and burst of pressure and heat, the pile had reverted to a small pile of ash. After righting her crown and mane, Twilight ignited her horn again and levitated a sweeping brush over to do the rest.

Confident she was finished for the evening, she opened the door to the hallway, stepped out, and closed it again. She looked to her door guards; one was a relatively small stallion called Inferno Cloud, the other somepony she already knew, Flash Sentry. Giving both a nod and smile, she began to head to dinner.

8:00PM.

2Fort, RED respawn.

The Badlands, New Mexico.

The lone BLU Heavy approached the doors, minigun held ready but not spun up due to the early-warning signal it served for the enemy. He'd heard stories of this spawn; that those who entered, RED or BLU, would never exit. Those who did return came back so horribly mutilated that they'd never walk again. Even worse, the mental scarring meant that they'd only ever repeat the line "Please don't let him eat me." over and over. The last person to come back was a Scout. Now, said Scout can't run, but instead screams at the top of his lungs at the sight of a RED Soldier and cowers.

But Heavy is giant man, thought BLU Heavy, as he stood right next to the spawn door. My fists, they are made of steel! No tiny man is match for me! Heavy is strong, Sandvich make Heavy strong and tough. Whatever is on other side, Heavy will squash like BUG. These thoughts carried on through his head as he placed his ape-like hands at the bottom of the door, and counted to three.

"One, two...THREE!" Heavy yelled, before ripping the door upwards at high speed, lifting his Iron Kurtain up to firing position, and span it up, all whilst yelling a fearsome battle cry. He fully expected there to be some RED babies to be in there, and for them to pull out baby guns to try fighting him, but much to his disappointment, nobody was there. He halted Sascha's spinning, placed her on the floor, and put his Purity Fist arms on his hips.

"Ohhhh..." he sighed, before pulling the spawn door shut and trudging to a bench and sitting down. "It is sad day." He lifted his Team Captain and scratched his head. All of a sudden, there was a shifting sound up above. Raising a brow and peering upwards, he noticed that in the rafters was a lone, default RED Soldier. He was almost ragdoll-like in the way he was positioned, with limbs bent at strange angles. However, his oddness didn't scare Heavy; instead, the towering Russian got up, raised his fists, and adopted a fighting stance. "Come down and fight me, coward!" he yelled.

The Soldier looked down at him. Then, before Heavy could respond, there was a loud repeated clicking noise as he slid across the ceiling, down the walls, across the floor, and in front of him. He simply lay there, back arched upwards and head tilted back so Heavy could see his eyes. They glared down at the worried man, the Soldier not even blinking. Finally, he spoke. "I, am Painis Cupcake." he declared, pointing to himself. Heavy simply stared back in utmost confusion. "I will eat you." The Soldier's face contorted to that of extreme happiness, as he began a rather wheezy laugh. By this time, Heavy had seen enough.

He screamed loudly and ran over to Sascha. She could save him. She could save him from anything. But just before he reached the wooden and steel minigun, he felt an extreme pain in his legs, causing him to topple to the floor and screech in pain. Rolling himself over, he could see that, to his horror, the Soldier was at the bottom of him, covered in blood and grinning psychotically. "I will eat you." he declared one final time. And before Heavy could yell any more, it was over; Painis simply enlarged his head and swallowed Heavy whole, leaving behind nothing but his blood-soaked Team Captain. Painis lay there for a moment.

'Nope, still hungry.' he thought, before the loud clicking noise ensued again. Then, Painis returned to his roof bar, and quickly fell asleep, waiting for his next meal to enter the room.

8:00PM.

Turbine Central Zone.

Badlands, New Mexico.

The RED Demoman sat next to his favourite container, idly scanning through the newest Mann Co. catalog. All around lay the dead bodies of enemies and team-mates alike, all deceased following a bloody battle, meaning the Demo was on his own while both teams prepared for the next attacks. Well, almost alone. A sudden movement above him caused him to look up quickly, almost dropping his magazine in shock. Cheerfully staring back was a RED Sniper, a grin on his face and a Bushwacka in each hand.

"G'day, wanker!" he said happily, before landing on the surprised Demoman. The Scotsman felt all the force of a crocket in that landing, and felt as though he had been gibbed. Shaking his head clear, and dismissing the Archimedes flying around his head, he got up and stared at the Sniper angrily.

"Bloody hell, lad!" he shouted at the new Sniper. He seemed to be default, meaning he must have just been moved to Turbine from another map. "Ye could've 'ad me good eye out! Be careful next time!" Sniper obviously wasn't listening: He had a grin on his face, and one arm extended to Demoman's stomach. He looked down, and saw that the Australian had stuck a Bushwacka through his gut and was holding it there, blood still spilling out of the wound. Demo screamed in pain and fell to the ground clutching the handle, desperate to pull it out. Sniper emitted a rather disturbing chuckle.

"I'm a bloody Sniper!" he proudly declared, before pulling out a Half-Zatoichi from seemingly nowhere and pointing to it after he lopped off Demo's left arm. "Now THIS, is a knife." he smirked. Next, he took the katana, and took it to Demoman's other arm. The Scotsman was in fits of agony, screaming. As what seemed like a final blow, the Sniper pulled out two Boston Bashers, gave both bloody spiked bats a twirl, and slammed them into the eyesockets of Demo. Clearly, the Demoman had nothing more to say, and instead keeled over with a shocked expression,his blood sprayed everywhere, and not breathing.

"Mongrel." Sniper chuckled.

BLU Sniper steadied his aim. This RED Sniper was too dangerous to live; he teamkilled a Demoman, and painted an area around him completely red in blood. A RED Spy was reclined on the same container, another worthy target, but even he didn't seem that bothered by his team-mate's murder. Snarling, BLU Sniper squinted, levelled the blue dot to the enemy's head, and-

GentleSpy came out of cloak, his hat brow lowered over his eyes, and Ambassador pointed at the back of the BLU Sniper's head. He noticed Christian Brutal Sniper was nearby, and what better way to tell him that he was nearby than to blow the head off a Sniper that was about to kill a good friend? Chuckling, GentleSpy casually pulled the trigger, keeping his hat lowered with an evil smirk. The BLU Sniper, meanwhile, was falling off a steel platform with no face.

"Pardon me." GentleSpy excused himself. He lifted the brow of his Fancy Fedora, and looked down at Christian. As usual, he was butchering the corpse of his victim, whilst his friend Spy watched and kept his mouth shut about the blood on his suit. Of course, blood on a suit was not something that bothered GentleSpy: in fact, he loved the stuff! Just to see his team colours sprayed everywhere, and to show that he was the best of RED. Well, possibly besides Christian Brutal Sniper. Suddenly, his Sniper friend looked up from his task of putting a Headtaker to the legs of the unfortunate Demoman, and waved cheerfully.

"G'day, Spy!" he called over. GentleSpy cloaked himself with a smirk, and reappeared next to Sniper. He gestured to the body. "Demo's a goner." he chuckled, before placing another two Eyelanders into the head of Demoman. GentleSpy looked up to the other RED Spy with a smile.

"Good day to you." he chuckled. The other Spy simply gave a nod and smile, before going back to wiping most of the arm muscle from his suit. Finally, when he realised it was a suit that was done anyway, like the previous few hundred, he sighed, unbuttoned it, and threw it away carelessly. It became a daily thing for Spy to chuck a perfectly good jacket away, since Christian was really the only person he could follow and feel safe, since nobody ever messed with anybody that was close to the Christian Brutal Sniper. A friend of Christian's was far too well-loved by Christian himself to so much as rip their clothing.

"So," GentleSpy said as he sat beside Christian, "How's life?"

"Fine, thanks." Sniper replied. "Thanks for savin' me from the bloody Sniper, mate."

"My pleasure. Any interesting kills, recently?"

"Well..." Sniper promptly went into great detail about a recent slaughter of a small group of BLUs at Watchtower,and how he dismembered each one. His other Spy friend simply wandered off so as not to feel sick again due to the excessive information on how his friend deals with a captured spleen. And, for that Spy, wandering off was a rather good turn of fortune, as the Announcer came over the speakers to announce another mission beginning in just 60 seconds. He could already hear the battle cries of both teams as he walked into RED base, but he knew that no matter how many of them ran at Christian and GentleSpy, nobody but those two would come out on top.

Spy didn't much mind GentleSpy; in fact, the two had a lot in common. It was really just his name that confused him. 'Gentle'? He was one of the Badland terrors, a serial killer, even. Yes, he envied the rather gentlemanly Fedora, but not much the fact that seeing said fedora from over the shoulder of a friend was feared by so many. GentleSpy also got all the ladies. Spy didn't, and he could only assume that it was because every time he went on a date with a lady, he arrived covered in blood, and also the fact his best friend was one of the world's cruelest murderers. That was more than enough for him to be left alone at the dinner table with his head in his hands.

All of a sudden, a RED Engineer tapped him on the shoulder. "You alright there, Spy? I ain't seen you on this team before." he said. Spy simply looked at him. Engineer promptly recognised the look of sorrow and 'they're both here' in Spy's blue eyes, and his jaw dropped. "Y'all're sayin'...?" he stuttered, backing away. Spy was about to step forward and explain, but Engineer backed away further, raising both hands. "N-No! D-Don't come any closer! Ah-ah ain't done nothin' wrong, jus' don't hurt me, sir!" panicked the Texan, before he sprinted off down the hallway to the intelligence room. Spy dropped his hands and sighed.

'Come on, god.' he thought, looking upwards to the roof. 'Just one new friend. Please.'

Sadly, he turned back the way he came, and headed back to the bloodbath that was the central transition between both bases. All REDs simply recoiled when he looked at them; he might as well have been GentleSpy and Christian rolled into one the way they simply responded to him. It took a simple look, and that was it before the Scout began crying about his regrets as his teammates tried to comfort him. Amidst the fear, Spy trudged out of the door and entered the battlefield to receive the same treatment and head to Christian's van.

Another day in the life of Spy.

8:20PM.

Canterlot Dining Hall.

Canterlot Palace, Equestria.

"Sorry I'm late, Princess." Twilight said as she sat down. Celestia and Luna were already sat down at the table awaiting their meals, with a few other important figures around the table as guests. "I had to sort through some junk mail, and I must say, they give out a lot of sexual performance enhancers as free samples." Celestia simply chuckled.

"I suppose so, Twilight, I simply must get that issue adressed with a new law. Though, some are quite effective..." Luna simply coughed with a frown.

"Ahem, I, ah, don't think that's really something we need to know, sister." she interrupted politely. "But yes, we need that adressed. Twilight, have you thought of anything for that college's request into inter-dimensional species? They were here for hours requesting your audience." Twilight sighed and put her head in her hooves.

"Ugh, this again? Have they not learned from cross-dimensional weaponry that the other realm is not to be trifled with?" she groaned. "And besides, I'd have to know how safe some of these creatures were, but I can't exactly just go there without something happening."

"Hmm..." Celestia put a hoof to her chin, before looking to the purple alicorn. "Twilight, meet me in the library after dinner; I think I may have a solution." Just then, all three meals arrived, and dinner was served.

8:20PM.

trade_plaza.

Somewhere in the TF2niverse.

RED Sniper placed the Unusual burning Armored Authority helmet on the table, and pushed it forward slowly, before leaning on one elbow on the table. He was wearing some pretty expensive stuff; a Vintage Trophy Belt with Team Spirit paint, worth 3 keys without paint and 4 with paint, a Doublecross-Comm with the same paint, worth almost 6 keys, and a pair of Teufort Tooth Kickers, worth a key and a bit with the Team Spirit paint. The Soldier sat opposite him looked him in the eyes though his Team Captain. After a moment of glaring at each other, the Soldier reached behind him, and pulled out just what Sniper was looking for; an Unusual version of his current hat, the Trophy Belt, but with a small orb of fire circling it gently. He looked down at the hat, and then at Soldier. It was a truly tense moment; would they agree?

"Done." Sniper nodded, extending a hand. Soldier shook it firmly, and both collected their hats as they stood up.

"Good trade, soldier." Soldier said gruffly.

"Likewise." Sniper replied as he poured paint all over his new hat. It changed the colour of the band to a red that matched his shirt, and he put it straight on, placing his old hat in his backpack. Then, both of them parted ways to their spawns, where they stayed put for a while. Just then, catching the eyes of everyone, a man appeared in the middle of the map. It was a simple BLU Demoman, wearing a pirate hat, white shutter glasses, and a Chargin' Targe. In his other hand, there was a pan. He had a cheerful smile on his face, and as per ritual since he had a nice hat, a RED Scout ran out to meet him. He was wearing a Ghostly Gibus, a much-hated hat, and Pyrovision goggles, and wearing a small badge that told everyone he was less Scout, more Scoot.

Demoman clicked his neck as he stared at him with his grin. "Demopan?" he asked, before sharply bringing his pan up. Held on the basin was a bright red military band hat, or 'Shako'. It was put in front of the Scout's face, who stared at it in confusion. "Stout Shako," Demopan declared, pointing to the hat, "For 2 refined." Scout scared at him in disgust.

"Uhh, no." he said angrily, before pointing to Demopan's Bounty Hat. It was pretty expensive...so Scout pulled out his Pain Train, and offered it to Demopan in an undeniably stupid move-

WHUNG

The Scout was instantly flung across the room, and everybody heard the audible snap of all his bones breaking against the wall. Demopan was there, pan raised post-swing, snarling. "NO." he said angrily. "STOUT SHAKO, FOR TWO REFINED."

The Snoipeh wants to trade with you!

Trolldier wants to trade with you!

Scunt wants to trade with you!

MeeMdic wants to trade with you!

Magic, Mishaps, and MeeM

Twilight moved quietly through the library. Celestia said she'd be in the Starswirl wing, and just ahead, Twilight saw Celestia solemnly looking through a book. She wasn't smiling like normal, instead looking rather serious. Worried, the young purple alicorn approached, and Celestia simply flicked her eyes up. "Twilight," she began with a sigh, "The spell that I'm about to teach you is one of the most important spells in Equestrian history. It raised my empire, and helped topple Discord's. But used incorrectly, the creatures and things it may unleash can, and with the least effort possible, kill everything you every loved. Are we clear on that before we begin?" Twilight blinked. That dangerous, huh?

After a moment, Twilight looked her mentor in the eyes and nodded firmly. Celestia simply exhaled again and levitated the book to her waiting student. "Page 1,337. You'll find it. Use it carefully, Twilight. And make sure you're ready for the consequences." Then, without a further word, Celestia teleported out of the room in a golden flash, leaving Twilight to study alone in the library. It was all utterly silent, the distant clanking of armoured boots meant guards patrolled nearby. That meant she had some protection in case it all went wrong.

After 2 hours, she let out deep breaths. Concentrating, Twilight closed her eyes, and lit her horn. Instead of the usual purple glow, a red fire tore up to a few feet above her head, lighting the dark library with a crimson hue. She couldn't stop now; she was going to do it. Like the book said, she felt her mind go freely into a universe, and aim for one system. Moving herself there, she saw a group of planets. Unfortunately, due to a lack of better judgement, she picked the left planet, and soared around that. The places she saw were incredible! Red deserts, vast oceans, islands, advanced cities: It was like a sci-fi book. But she had a serious job: pick some residents for testing.

So, she randomly selected a spot. The place she picked first was a small, nearly empty warehouse. Outside, there seemed to be a small chariot with a creature sat inside. She couldn't hold the spell for long. He'd do. She 'selected' the creature in a blue glow. Next, she looked inside the building. There was a lot of blood everywhere. The two in the middle of the room were in the open. They'd be fine. She picked them as well. She was running out of time. Sod it, pick the whole lot of this place.

Next, she moved to a different place. There were a few palm trees in pot like structures and tables along one side. In the middle of the room, there was a cluster of the creatures, all crowded around one other creature. Fine, them as well. Twilight picked them.

Next, she visited a place with a bridge, wooden walls, and a steel door. Inside, there was another creature in the rafters. He'd be good. She picked him. Time was running out!

Then, Twilight visited a darker mansion. There was a couple of different creatures walking around...in fact, those were ponies! They must have been lost, Twilight grabbed them too!

Next, there was a quick trip to a small barn. Inside, 3 creatures sat; a tall one with a yellow band, a stouter one with a white band, and a fat one with a pot on his head. Buck it, EVERYTHING IN THE BARN. HER HEAD WAS HURTING AND SHE WANTED TO DUMP A BUCK-LOAD OF PAPERWORK ON THE DESKS OF LOADS OF COLLEGE WORKERS.

A few more places were visited, and the final location was rather quiet. Stood in the middle of a desert, with nothing else there, was a single creature, blankly staring ahead at absolutely nothing. He was on his own, nobody'd miss him. Twilight took him, and finally, lost too much power. She released the spell, and collapsed to the ground. The last thing she remembered before darkness was a small portal opening in the library and something coming out.

Spy'd head hurt. One minute, he'd been sat in Christian's van getting another suit, and then...he was where? He glanced around as he dusted himself off. There was a lot of books, it was dark, and there was nobody around. Spy simply sighed, and began to move forward. Just then, he brushed something squishy with his foot. Praying that it wasn't one of Christian's victims, he looked down.

To Spy's surprise, there was a small purple...thingy. It had four legs, a horn, and a small pair of wings. On it's bum, it had a small marking of a star. To be honest with himself, it was adorable. Kneeling down next to it, he discovered it was breathing heavily. But it was alive! Spy, smiling, picked the small animal up. It was surprisingly light for its size, which almost reached Spy's shoulder. However, this didn't deter him, and he ran straight to what seemed like a door. He grasped the handle, swung it open, and was nearly blinded by the light. When his eyes adjusted, he looked around for something that might help this little animal. But looking around, he saw more of these animals running towards him with spears raised and horns glowing. Carefully, but quickly, he placed the animal on the floor, and 'looked at his watch'.

He rapidly turned invisible, and moved backwards slightly. That was usually tactic enough to make them think he'd charged down the corridor and would be hiding on top of a box or something. So, his position secure, he kept his arm supported with his right hand and watched them as he sat down next to a plant pot. The small animals were crowding round their purple friend, talking about important matters like getting her to a hospital. They did, however, mention that the place was called Canterlot. That helped Spy a lot.

Finally, after tiring of observing, he quietly slipped back into the library. Then, he rapidly slammed the door so they thought it was wind, and then moved back to where he was as he uncloaked. As his eyes adjusted, he noticed that there was not just that one. About 7 more of them lay, but on top of a pile of people he did and didn't recognise. He could recognise Christian and GentleSpy, both near the bottom of the pile, 'Intelligent' Heavy and his pot, Demopan, a Vagineer, thankfully of the BLU variety, which tend to be calmer, and the freak of them all, Painis Cupcake. That was just a few in the pile. He didn't recognise any more; they must have just been in the area when everybody teleported. The pile was about chest height, but that meant that he might not have seen someone who'd mutilate him at a glance.

Just then, one of the animals on top stirred. It was another purple one, but it was of a darker shade than the one he'd previously tried helping. This one would be able to see him helping it, and simply helping a talking animal might earn him a friend? Quickly, he jogged over to it, placed hands under its forelegs, and picked it up. Then, placing it on a small chair, he watched the small creature slowly waking.

Brutalight Sparcake had a huge migraine.

She was barely concious, in a place she didn't recognise, and a RED Spy was stood in front of her. He had something to do with it! She'd show him who not to mess with, she'd bucking ki-

Wait.

He wasn't taunting her. He wasn't...laughing at her? He was just...there. She shifted slowly, still glaring at him. "Who are you?" She growled. Her question caught him off-guard; he jumped slightly, and looked away, rubbing a hand up and down his arm. "Who. Are. You?" she repeated. Still no answer. Brutalight groaned loudly. "I'm stuck here with a pile of freaks, in a place I don't remember, and I'm stuck with a Spy who can't talk. GREAT." She paused, and looked to Spy. "Can you talk?" she asked.

Spy simply looked back, and shook his head.

Yes, he could talk.

But not to her.

If he said anything wrong, she wouldn't like him. Spy at least wanted ONE new friend before Christian woke up and started scaring and killing everyone. So, his safest option was to avoid eye contact. If they were like that Engineer, then...no. He should speak to her. Then she'd trust him. Wait. No. No speaking. If he spoke, she wouldn't trust him.

Gah, why were decisions suddenly so difficult?

Staregineer opened his eyes further as he woke up. He never closed his eyes. EVER. If he closed his eyes, he'd miss something interesting. Like somebody's soul that would end up in Staregineer anyway. All around there was darkness, and he felt himself near the bottom of a pile of people. And from the small tails he could see as well, there were a few of those pony freaks. But clearly, he was not in his happy little patch of desert any more.

Reaching up to the ceiling were stone shelves, lined with books and tomes of all kinds; he was even sure he saw 'magic' somewhere. In the middle of some sections there were torch sconces, illuminating small areas a nice orange hue. But it wasn't important: what WAS important was staring at all these new things and learning about them. Staregineer pulled himself from under the pile of freaks, dusted himself off (which was very interesting), and stood in front of a bookshelf.

Then, as he was destined to do, he stared.

Seeman awoke begrudgingly. He was in a dark room, and he was covered in a pile of other TF2 freaks, and evidently some normal mercenaries. Of course, Seeman, being a man of See, found this to be utterly hilarious and burst out laughing at the top of his lungs as he waved both arms around. A shifting next to him was felt, and his good friend Seeldier was lying just beside him, the same expression of idleness on his face. Seeman kept his strange facial expression, and looked to his BLU Soldier friend. Then, the RED Demoman pointed to the bookshelf.

"See?" he asked.

"See!" replied Seeldier. Both of them promptly teleported in the middle of the room and began flailing their limbs around in a manner that involved them floating above the ground with both feet in the air at the same time as a heavy metal tune played from an unknown source. The sound of such 'See' began to rouse other freaks. Groaning, the (sort of) mercenaries began to move out from the pile, and the 6 small ponies began to organise the humans with utmost ease. Across the library, Spy's attention turned from the purple mare in front of him to the group of monsters that was now getting itself together. However, to his joy, he saw something; normal people! There was a small number of regular mercenaries, staying away from the freaks and standing in the corner. Spy smiled. He might have a chance of earning their friendship!

Brutalight looked over as well. The first thing she saw was the fact that the other Elements of Insanity were giving orders to the Freaks to get them organised. However, the rather evident fact was that none were listening; instead, the humans were simply meandering about and looking at things, talking quietly, or doing spastic dances in the middle of the room to a heavy metal tune. She got up and facehoofed. "Am I gonna have to kill somepony?" she snarled as she looked at Spy. He was now one of her helpers; he didn't answer back, argue, or interrupt, and looked the type to carry out requests without question. That was good. He simply shrugged, and gestured for her to do it how she'd do it. Brutalight smiled up at the man. "Thank you for your idea. I think this is the start of a beautiful relationship."

Spy was ecstatic.

She liked him!

Outside the door, Princess Twilight was in the process of being moved, when a guard's ears picked up on something. "Hey!" he called. Everypony stopped and looked to him. "Listen; there's music coming from inside this door. I think that creature went back inside here!" All guards in the area put a serious look on, raised their spears, and gathered at the doorway. At least ten of Equestria's finest were ready to barge into a room to take down one creature.

Simple, right?

Totally. The lead guard raised a hoof, and gave the order to bust the door down. A large earth-pony stepped forward, turned, and raised his back legs. He reeled back, kicked the door, and...

"HOHOOOOOO!" Seeman laughed, pointing at the intruders. Every freak, pony or 'human', quickly looked to the small animals that had smashed the door down. The intruders looked on the brink of shitting themselves at the terrifying creatures that were filling the library. "See?" asked the Scotsman, stupid face active and looking between everybody else. Seeldier agreed completely.

"See!" he said loudly as his head inflated to twice its usual size. Again, both teleported, but this time just in front of the small animal in the doorway so they could do their spastic dancing that required heavy metal as background music. The pony stared in horror, and quickly backed away. The other ponies outside had no idea why Commander Steel Hide, strongest in the regiment, was fleeing from an enemy. He had bested dragons, minotaur warlords, manticores, and OH FAUST WHAT THE HELL IS THAT AND WHAT THE BUCK IS IT DOING WITH ITS LIMBS

Stealth, Scunting, and Stares

In the few seconds of confusion, GentleSpy realised he had a short time-frame to organise everyone, and get them out of the stone room before it became flooded with guards. Of course, he could off them easily, but he just felt...wrong to shoot ponies. He raised his hand and began to call out quickly. "Gentlemen! We must move fast!" He looked up for an escape route. Finally, he saw it; on top of the shelves, there was a large air-duct. His obvious idea came right then. "Clamber to the top and into the air vent! Hurry!" he shouted, pointing to it. The other freaks, and normal mercs, looked up, then at him, and finally nodded. The groups organised as fast as they could, and made the climb up the shelves to the vent.

The first to arrive was a RED Sniper with an Unusual Trophy Belt. He grabbed the ventilation cover, gave it a firm yank, and ripped it off. Down below, Seeman and Seeldier formed the utmost impenetrable barrier with their limb-flailing dances and actually rather terrifying faces. The Sniper clambered inside the vent and immediately began to crawl all the way to the end, where it looked like there was a corner or light source of some description. Behind him, several other mercs crawled along, and moved to the end to fit as many people in the tube as possible. Finally, when he reached the end, he turned, and curled up against the walls of the vent, with the others sitting just beside him. He looked to his left, and saw that a BLU Spy was sat next to him; Charmer's Chapeau, Cut-Throat Concierge, and Sneaky Spats of Sneaking all painted gold. He didn't recognise him, so he could only assume he was from another map. However, he figured it was worth staying together with anybody he could so he wasn't caught alone by a freak.

However, back in the library, GentleSpy was ushering the other freaks up as fast as he could. However, just after Painis slid up the wall on his front, he was due to climb up himself when he noticed that in the corner of the room, there was a small pony, and Christian's Spy friend. He called over. "Spy! Let us move!" The RED Spy in the corner looked up at GentleSpy, before looking back at the pony. She looked up at the Spy, then at the air-vent, then at GentleSpy.

"He isn't coming, I don't think." Brutalight sneered. "Now why don't you just run along, sir?" GentleSpy frowned, nodded, and clambered into the air vent. The cover slammed shut behind him. This left Seeldier, Brutalight Sparkcake, Spy, and Seeman in the library, all pretty much ready for whatever the ponies could do. However, just then, the doorway darkened. Stood in the doorway was a frowning Princess Celestia.

"What is the meaning of this?" she said firmly. The tall white alicorn had an air of seriousness about her, which, of course, was instantly dissolved by the heavy metal and ridiculous dancing of Seeman and Seeldier, who found her to be utterly hilarious. They stopped dancing and began to stand in front of the terrified Princess with blank faces and slightly large heads. She reeled back at their sudden invasion of personal space as both guards flanking her readied magic blasts. Seeldier simply pointed a finger at the sun goddess.

"See!" he said loudly to Seeman.

"SEE!" laughed Seeman, as they both carried on their limb-dance. Celestia stared at this. I can't just let these two stay here... Suddenly, she had an idea. Feigning surprise, she looked back out into the corridor, then turned back to the two See-related creatures.

"Wow, look what's to see out there in the corridor!" she said, mocking interest. Both creatures looked excitedly at each other, before teleporting outside the door. The guards could deal with them, Celestia thought. With the barricade of See out of the way, she moved further into the library. Of course, she'd heard that her fellow Princess had apparently been attacked by a creature in a red suit, and had to be careful. Followed by the two guards that flanked her either side, she moved into the library. She was absolutely certain that she'd find something.

The ventilation duct was cramped enough, until Painis came shotgun-clicking into the shaft along the ceiling. Immediately, all guns in the area pointed at him, and for the first time in his life...Painis Cupcake was scared. He knew he couldn't eat anybody, so he simply stayed on the roof and stared at one, specific Heavy, who was simply glaring back with shotgun aimed at the Soldier. At the other end of the steel tube, GentleSpy sat beside Christian.

"Now we must wait." he said. Christian nodded, and looked around. He seemed confused, and began looking desperately around the tube.

"Spy!" he called. "Spy, where are ya, mate?" GentleSpy placed a gloved hand on his friend's shoulder, and shook his head.

"He didn't want to come. He's staying with his pony friend back in the library. They're safe, I assume, since the See-friends are there with them, and from what I remember, the name of the pony was Brutalight. So, if anything goes wrong, she could probably butcher the rest of them. Right now, though, we need to find a way to escape those guards."

"OK, mate." Christian replied. He then turned to the rest of the people in the tunnel. "Oi!" he shouted. All heads turned, and a lot of people expected a radio to appear. "Get bloody goin'!" he called the end of the shaft. A RED Sniper and BLU Spy nodded to each other, and began to slowly crawl around the corner of the tunnel. Several dozens of freaks were crawling amidst humans, and some were absolutely indistinguishable from regular mercs. For instance, Dr. Noooo was in the middle of a small pack of Medics, and any other guy would assume he was a regular doctor. However, he wasn't; his medi-gun could heal any ailment once per hour, and he healed everybody who had no evil relations or intents. Right behind him was a wooden cut out of a Medic, otherwise known as a MeeM, and if even he wasn't attacking, GentleSpy was certain that these were really desperate times.

Staregineer heard footsteps behind him in the silence. There was multiple sets, so it was likely a group of people. Hopefully, they were interesting. So, Staregineer turned away from the interesting bookshelf and to his new guests. To his interest, there were 3 little horses, with one being about 1 or 2 heads taller than him. They were wearing clothes, and all 3 were white, with two wearing a kind of gold armour, and the tall one wearing golden regalia. They were absolutely the most interesting things!

Staregineer looked right into the eyes of the shocked pony guard.

Steel Hide saw in the eyes of the creature...oblivion.

He felt his very soul being glared into, but he found himself unable to look away. The eyes; they locked his gaze unto them.

It was impossible for the stallion to last.

Steel Hide, Conqueror of Iron Hoof mountain, winner of the Faustian War medal, and personal guard of Princess Celestia, was brought to his knees by Staregineer.

Celestia quickly knelt down by the hyper-ventilating guard. He was on his side with eyes glazed, breathing quickly and heavily, and his visible fur was matted with sweat. She knew Steel Hoof could take most physical injuries with ease, then hit back twice as hard, but psychological attacks? She had to act fast; instantly teleporting him away to the infirmary. Then, looking back up, she kept her gaze away from the eyes of the creature in the hopes of finding a way to stop its gaze. She looked it over; it had brown dungarees, a red shirt, and hard-hat, and around its neck was a removed pair of goggles. She smirked, ignited her horn, and placed the goggles on his eyes. Then, looking him in the eyes, she realised she was still alive. He did still have the blank stare, but less...soul-crushing.

"Creature," Celestia said firmly, binding his hands behind his back. "You're coming with me."

Staregineer didn't really care. This pony was interesting.

RED Sniper raised a hand to stop everybody else. The simultaneous bump that followed shifted him forward slightly onto the ventilation grid in the ceiling. He looked down through the steel bars; down below, there was a huge chamber with a marble floor and red carpet, with the end leading out of sight. It looked like a church of some description. He looked over his shoulder. "Tell the bosses that we've got a possible exit below. Pass it down, lads."

The BLU Spy behind turned around, and looked at the Soldier behind him. "Exit ahead."

Soldier nodded, and turned to the Demopan behind him. "Exit ahead."

Demopan nodded, and turned to the Engineer. "Stout Shako, for 2 refined."

Engineer nodded, and turned to Scout. "Ahh...'pparently there's a hole."

Scout nodded, and turned to Vagineer. "Yo, dere's a hole in the floor."

Vagineer looked at the Sniper behind him, who nearly evacuated his bowels. ".sessob eht ot nwod ti ssaP .rendrap, daeha pu roolf eht ni eloh a s'ehreht ,yeH" Sniper simply thought for a moment, and shrugged. He turned to the small, white pony with purple hair and Team Captain sat beside him.

"Let's go down the hole, Shiela." he said, putting a thumb up.

"Of course, since you put it so politely." Rarifruit smiled. Then, she turned. "EVERYBODY DOWN THE HOLE!" she yelled. A cheer arose, and the force of everybody shoving one RED Sniper down a hole finally broke the ventilation cover off its hinges. The Australian fell around 30ft from the roof, and landed face first onto the floor. Nobody else fell down, though. He groaned, and got up, snapping his back into place as he stood. Suddenly, he was picked up in a blue aura of power, and he was pulled backwards. Staring back at him was a blue horse, with a flowing blue starry mane and tail, black crown and regalia, and adorable turquoise eyes. She also had a happy face.

"Thou shalt be a fine pet!" she giggled, before putting Sniper on her back and trotting calmly out of the room. RED Snoipeh had no say, so just enjoyed the feeling of having his head smacked against a mare's bum repeatedly as he received dodgy looks from guards around the place.

BLU Spy watched in horror as the pony pulled his new friend away and took him from the room. He overheard 'pet', and assumed that Sniper was now under the care of a talking blue horse. He looked back. "Tell me;" he began, "Why did we not go with him?" The RED Soldier with the Unusual Armored Authority shrugged, and stubbed his cigar on his own hand.

"He'll be remembered, Soldier." grunted the American trooper as he doffed his cap and turned around. "He was taken by enemy troops on 14th November, 1963, and as far as we know is a Prisoner of War. Do not worry troops, we WILL save Balbo Biggins." Suddenly, there was a purple field that pushed everybody down the hole. A cluster of yells and shouts was heard as the dozens of 'humans' fell down the shaft, and landed in a big pile at the bottom in the middle of the throne room. Stood at the end of the Vent was Brutalight and Spy, along with Christian and GentleSpy.

"Fine job, Madame." GentleSpy politely said, smiling and raising a thumb at the corrupted alicorn. She winked at him. Spy remained silent.

"Let's go, mates." Christian said cheerfully, as all 5 began to go down the tunnel. "Say, what happened to Seeman, Seeldier, and Staregineer?"

Pets, Pootis, and Princesses

RED Sniper simply stood open-mouthed at it. Stood in front of him was possibly the most adorable thing to ever grace his eyes; it, or 'she', was a deep blue pony, with a pair of long wings, a long horn, and hair and tail that flowed freely in a non-existent wind. Inside the hair, he could see the universe, and a thin layer of energy that went over the top. She had adorable blue eyes, and a small smile as she stared in a satisfied way at Sniper. He was stood in a steel cage, with regular things you might give a dog; blankets, bowl of water, and box of food. However, there was also a table and chair, which he had already put his Botkiller rifle and a packet of cigarettes onto. In the awkward silence, he coughed.
"Go on." the pony said excitedly. "Speak. I know you can." Sniper was mostly amazed it could speak.
"OK, mate." he replied as he put up his right thumb. Then, he walked over to the table, picked a cigarette from the pack, and pulled a lighter out. He lifted his bandana and placed the cigarette in his mouth, lighting it as he did so. Then, when he was sure there'd be no extinguishing his fag, he removed the bandana, placed it next to his equipment, and kept the cigarette in his mouth. Then, he folded his arms, and watched the pony with a raised brow. "C'mon, mate. I'm waitin'." he said smugly. The pony stared back in shock.

"SEE!" shouted Seeman as the two See-related monsters followed the guards through a rock tunnel. It was absolutely the most hilarious thing, so the two kept pointing at the ponies behind bars and laughing at them because they were seen.
"Quiet, prisoners!" barked one guard. "You're now in the custody of Princess Celestia's Royal Guard, so you play by OUR rules." Seeman and Seeldier stopped and stared at the pony with blank expressions. Behind them, guards levelled spears.
"See?" said Seeman, pointing to a loose piece of masonry. Seeldier's head promptly inflated to 200% of its normal size and he pulled a ridiculous facial expression.
"SEE." Seeldier and Seeman's limbs began flailing around, and then began the most ridiculous 3 hours of Captain Glittering Spear's life. He facehoofed, and sat down in a chair, and tried not to cry.
Instead, he cried a lot.
How is this my job...?

The mercenaries and freaks groaned as they all began to pick themselves up from their 30ft fall from a ventilation shaft. Of course, Brutalight was more than willing to gently levitate Christian, GentleSpy, and usual Spy down to the floor carefully, since she liked them already, so the three of them got down fine. Once everybody was up and on their feet, GentleSpy went up some steps to a nearby throne so he could see just how many there were. His jaw dropped and he lowered his fedora brow in frustration; stood before him was a crowd of at least 100 people, and somehow he was going to lead them all to safety. There was an obvious split between them; a half seemed to be the freakshow, with likes of Painis Cupcake, MeeMs, and the small pony freaks that were with them, while the other side seemed to just be regular mercenaries, all still totally unsure of each other and the fact that a BLU Spy was upset over the loss of a RED Sniper confused things further.
Not even been here an hour or so, and already had the Sniper kidnapped. GentleSpy thought. He cleared his throat. "Gentlemen!" he called, but not so loud as to let anybody outside the huge doors hear him. The quiet murmurrings died down rapidly as all eyes turned to him. "As we all know, we are in foreign territory here. We have no Intel as to where we are, and it seems we'll be here until a way back is found." There was an audible groan as the mercenaries and freaks began to pace in frustration and mutter loudly. "Nonetheless!" he continued. "We will attempt to remain hidden from the sight of these pony guardsmen, since they seem to be bound to duty and unwilling to take orders from us." Suddenly, somebody coughed near the front. And, to GentleSpy's surprise, some of the pony freaks with them stepped forward, led by RariFruit.
"Well, dear," she began, smirking in an evil yet seductive way. "I think we can help with that."

A few minutes later, the mares re-entered the room. Behind them trotted guards, each looking dazed and utterly entranced by the ponies in front of them. "And, behold, Gentlemen." Rarifruit chuckled as the group halted in front of the humans and 'humans'. The massive divide between the two groups became more apparent as the regular mercenaries sat on one side of the room, and the freaks sat on the other. Both sides stared each other down, and it became glaringly obvious neither trusted the other.
Or, more likely, one side wanted to do horrible things to the other side, while a few stood on the sidelines facepalming.
"Excellent." GentleSpy chuckled, standing up. "You have done well." Rarifruit smiled in agreement, a deformed and slightly G-Major squeak escaping her mouth. "How did you manage to get them to our cause?" The mare looked back over her shoulder at her pet stallion. He looked dazed, almost entranced. She placed her tail under his chin and slowly ran it beneath.
"Well, let's just say the hardened warrior couldn't resist the charms of a mare who has it all..." Rarifruit laughed. "Isn't that right, dear?" The guard weakly nodded. GentleSpy smiled, and cleared his throat.
"Gentlemen!" he called out, grabbing the attention of everybody/thing. "Just because this room has been clear for this long doesn't mean it will stay that way! Form up, and prepare to embark! Karate Sniper!" A single RED Sniper with a yellow bandana stood up in a rather strange way as everybody watched. His face was incredibly unusual, almost twisted, but his 'focused' face had a rather disturbing grin and bow-legged gait.
"Yeah!" he said firmly. GentleSpy pointed a finger at the door.
"Clear the path, but don't kill the guards in our way." he ordered. The Karate Sniper stared at him blankly.
"OK." he finally replied, before turning his neck 180° but not twisting his body in any way. "SOLDIER!" he called. As though he were some kind of pet, with a stupid grin and a white headband that fell over his eyes. It was clearly too big for him, but he fell into the exact same position as Sniper was in.
"Yes, Sniper?" he asked, ready for action. They both blankly stared, as everyone else in the room watched them with intent.
"LET'S GO" Sniper suddenly yelled, as the two flailed their limbs whilst they charged out of the room, before kicking the door open and going out of sight. None of the mercs could comprehend what had happened, but judging by the stallion being thrown across the doorframe whilst Sniper was heard screaming 'A LITTLE OF THE OL' CHOP-CHOP' whilst Soldier laughed outrageously loudly, they had it under control.
"Hell." whistled a regular RED Engineer leaning on a dispenser, tipping his Mining Helmet up a tad to see if his goggles deceived him. Luckily for him, they didn't, and he could send the photos of him next to dangerous freaks to people he strongly disliked with 'FUCK ALL Y'ALL' written in massive letters using blood. "That went well. What's next, Mister?" he asked whilst pushing Scombine gently away from his dispenser. GentleSpy looked at the Texan, then at the exit.
"We move." growled the Psychopath, lowering his fedora and drawing his Ambassador.

"So I can only assume that you're one of the creatures that got into the palace?" Luna asked the RED Sniper. He was sat at his table, going through his backpack and crafting hats.
"Yeah, but one." he replied casually. "There's 'bout an 'undred of us, odd. Mostly I'm surprised that 50% of us didn't get killed on arrival." Luna was taken aback.
"What?" she gasped. "We wouldn't kill your kind, we have no reason to perform such vile acts of violence upon you." Sniper shook his head, and stood up.
"The thing is, for my kind, I'm pretty normal. But...we brought the other kind of us along. They're freaks. They have powers dangerous enough to eviscerate, kill, control, destroy, rape, or even eat us, and about 'alf of the group that arrived in this castle consists of 'em." Sniper explained. Luna listened intently. "We have a particularly dangerous pair, Christian Brutal Sniper and GentleSpy, runnin' this whole thing. If you'd have waited a few minutes, they probably would have come down to check you out." Luna was blushing.
"Ummm...I'm...heh...not that interesting..." she trailed off. Sniper, because he was Australian, ignored her reaction.
"The first one looks like me, except without the band on the hat, boots, or bandana. Instead, he looks...normal. It's only then that you find out he holds one of the darkest secrets in history; he's a psychopathic, homicidal maniac, with the ability to pull weapons out of nowhere and then rip ya to shreds with 'em. He loves the blood, and he has such strength and infinite number of weapons that he will commonly be holding a two-handed war-axe with a hand, and then throw it away as though it were a cigarette. Then you have GentleSpy."
"Well, he doesn't sound that bad." Luna mused. Sniper shot her a look.
"You won't say that the moment you see some of the things he does. He's adept in the art of the Dead Ringer and Cloak and Dagger. He'll be invisible one minute, you shoot him, he fakes his death and comes back even more violently. He's practically a bloody Larrikin Robin with the Ambassador, hits the headshot every time, and never, never leaves a foe unfinished. You think he sounds so nice now?" Luna swallowed hard, watching the human leaning against the steel bars with a deadly serious expression on his face. He noticed her worried look, and reached out to stroke the side of her face gently. "I'm not like that; like I said, there's more like me that ain't serial killers, psychopaths, or freaks. To be honest, Princess, ya'd be best stickin' with the humans, since we can keep the freaks away." Luna looked at the human as he gently touched her face. It was the first time she felt that someone other than her sister truly liked her.
She remained still, before lighting her horn and pulling the cage key from nowhere. Then, she unlocked it, and the whole thing disappeared from view. Sniper looked around in confusion. 'Bloody hell...magic jail cell...' Then, he looked to the Princess, who was now sat on her bed with glasses and a notebook. A chair appeared in front of her, and he cautiously sat in it. "Now then, Mr Sniper," Luna began. "Can you give me details on each of these freaks you have with you, and what threats they may pose?" Sniper grinned.
"With pleasure." he chuckled.

A guard ran straight past Thunder Mustang, scaring him a fair bit. He watched the stallion scramble down the hall, and disappear around a corner. He turned to the guard nearby him. "What's going on?" asked the blue Pegasus. The guard looked to him, a significant amount of worry on his face.
"You'd best get back into your chambers, sir." replied the stallion. "A pair of creatures have escaped custody, and have been appearing all over the castle and flailing their limbs about, and a different pair of the creatures is going around kicking everypony they see." Thunder blinked, and that was more than the opportunity needed for Karate Sniper to come flying down the corridor, kick the guard out the window, then punch Thunder back into his chambers. He slid on the carpet on his back, closed the door with a hind leg, then leaned his head back. "A weekend in Canterlot, already been punched." he murmured, before opening his eyes again and immediately regretting his decision. Stood in the middle of his room, staring back with a disturbing expression plastered on both of their faces, were two creatures. They blankly looked at him, before one pointed a small limb at him.
"SEE?" It yelled to its companion.
"SEE!" he replied, before both of their heads grew excessively large and they began to flail their limbs around. Slowly, but surely, Thunder got up, went to the balcony, spread his wings, and flew away to a safer part of the castle. "Now I'm never taking the Mayor's paperwork up here for her again." he groaned as he landed on the top search-tower. Nopony ever went there, except...
"POOT."
...nopony.

Author's Note

Just in case you Seeman fans out there wanted to know, my Soldier and Demoman no longer say yes during TF2. Instead, they say '-obvious one-word joke-'.
Have fun looking for it.