"Dammit!" Twilight banged her head on the table, causing the stacks of books to shake. "I. Am. FUCKED! I was supposed to have like three spells ready for analysis, and I have nothing! When Princess Celestia gets here she'll think I was wasting my time this past week!"

"I'm sure it won't be that bad!" Spike said as he steadied the book piles to keep them from toppling over onto Twilight's head. "She said in the letter that she realizes that she was messing up the schedule."

"So!? It's been a month since she last checked up on my magical studies, and I haven't finished anything useful!" She groaned. "If I wouldn't have wasted three weeks working on that stupid genderflipping spell I might have had something to show for it! Now I don't have anything to show her! If I had a few days to put something together I might have a shot but she'll be here any minute now!!"

"Well, you don't have nothing," Spike said. "There's always that-"

"No." Twilight shook her head and clamped a hand over Spike's mouth. "She can never, under any circumstances, find out about that spell. I know I have spent a bit of time doing analysis on it, but that's only to ensure the safety of my friends when I perform the spell for them. It's not intended to be part of my studies. Do you know how embarrassing it would be for the Princess to find out that I've performing that sort of spell? She'd lose all respect for me!"

"I dunno, I'm sure she's seem some pretty kinky stuff over the years," Spike said. "For all you know, she might find it useful!"

"Really, Spike?"

"What!? I'm just saying. Princess Celestia must have a libido too! It's totally possible that she lays awake at night imagining herself being able to grow a penis and bang you with it!" He closed his eyes and grinned. "It's a very evocative image, after all."

"Spike!" Twilight glared at him. "First of all, I'm sure Celestia has no need for such odd fetishes. Second, on the off chance that she did, I'm certain she would have figured out how to do it on her own. Third, that's just creepy."

"Okay, maybe that would be a little weird, but it's better than nothing, isn't it? It's not quite what you were trying to do, but it's something."

"That's... true, I guess, but... Arggggg how am I supposed to explain why I put so much time into studying this particular spell!?"

"Uh..." Spike scratched his head. "Maybe you can just... not explain, and hope she doesn't ask questions?"

"'Hope she doesn't ask questions?' That's the whole reason she's coming here! To ask questions!" Twilight grabbed two handfuls of hair and pulled. "I have to come up with something to show her that won't make her think that I'm a huge pervert!"

"What's wrong with being a huge pervert?" Spike asked. "I mean, it's not that bad."

"You're a boy who's going through puberty. You're supposed to be a pervert. I'm supposed to have grown out of that by now! There has to be something that I-" Her eye twitched as she heard a royal fanfare outside her window. "Well, it's over. I'm going to be on academic probation for the rest of my life."

Spike rolled his eyes and handed Twilight a paper bag. "Just breathe into this." Twilight took it, put it over her mouth and began to inhale deeply. "I really need to buy you a book on meditation for your next birthday."

She began to breathe more slowly. "Okay, okay. I think I can do this." There was a knock on the door.

"Twilight?" said Celestia's voice. "Are you in there?"

Twilight inhaled sharply. "Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit!"

"Get a grip on yourself!" Spike bonked Twilight on the head. "Just answer the door. Even if you are in trouble, you might as well get it over with."

"Ugh, you're right," Twilight sighed, and stood. "Might as well bite the bullet." She strode over to the door and swung it open. "Welcome, Princess Celestia!" she said, bowing.

"Thank you, Twilight," The princess said as she stepped through the door. She looked splendid, as always, even clad in the pantsuit that typically replaced her royal regalia when she was out on school business. Even though it didn't quite have the sensuality that came with her usual royal dress (specifically the cleavage), it was just tight enough that her rather generous hourglass figure was still quite evident. Of course, Twilight noticed none of this, because her brain was currently occupied trying to think of something to distract Celestia from the utter lack of any progress.

"Spike, why don't you go get the princess some tea?" She babbled, "And maybe some crumpets. We have to have crumpets! Can't get to the... stuff without having crumpets first!"

"Actually, that's won't be necessary," Celestia said, pleasantly as always. "I just had a nice square meal before I left the-"

"Yes, but it's such a long journey all the way from Canterlot!" Twilight interrupted. "And crumpets are practically a tradition!"

"Uh, Twilight," Spike said, "I'm not sure we have any crumpets."

"Better go make some, then!"

"But why do-"

"Crumpets!"

Spike shrugged. "Alright then, crumpets coming up."

Twilight's cheeks were aching from the effort of keeping a smile on her face, but she soldiered on. She had to keep Celestia distracted until she could think of something to present that didn't involve genitalia. Unfortunately, she couldn't really think of much else. She had compiled a massive list of factual inaccuracies in the latest Daring Do book to send to A. K. Yearling so that she could avoid those pitfalls in subsequent entries in the series, but Celestia wasn't quite as... invested in the series. She probably wouldn't understand the importance of the document, and if anything she would simply be chided for wasting her time.

Then again, the alternative was to talk to Celestia about magical schlongs, so either way the situation would end badly. Maybe she could spin the Daring Do think into something positive; come up with some buzzword-laden bullshit about the series was actively harming society's perception of history by misrepresenting the folklore of surrounding regions. Sure, most ponies wouldn't know about the Ahuizotls at all if not for the books, but the height was off by a foot and a half, and the diet was completely wrong. Surely Celestia would understand how important it was to note the fact that Ahuizotls couldn't digest coconut. Of course, Celestia hadn't exactly been put out by the fact that her sister had been turned into a cannibalistic witch, so that might very well be a crapshoot. But again, it was better than admitting that all she had learned in the past weeks was how to grow a penis.

"More tea, Princess?" she asked.

"Um, no thank you," Celestia answered. She had had four cups already, and didn't think a fourth would be good for her bladder. In any case, coffee was her favored drink anyway.

"Okay, then!" Twilight ignored the request and refilled her cup. She had deliberately chosen the box of tea with the warning about it being a diuretic on the box. Hopefully it would buy her a few extra minutes. "Would you like more crumpets? It might take a few minutes, but I'm sure Spike could make more!"

"That will not be necessary!" Celestia narrowed her eyes. "Twilight, as much I appreciate your attempts to make me comfortable, I did not come here for tea and crumpets."

"Oh, did you want a more substantial meal?" Twilight asked, trying to sound sincere without making herself out as an oblivious idiot.

"No," Celestia said bluntly. "Twilight, I am here to review your progress in your magical studies, not to have lunch. I realize that you might not be as far along as usual because of the change of schedule, but I'm getting the idea, that you are more than a little behind."

"W-what makes you think that?"

"Because normally you're prepared to make a full presentation three days before I arrive, and when I do, you can't wait to tell me all about what you've been working on." Her stern gaze narrowed even further. "The fact that you're dodging the issue tells me that either you've been slacking off, or you're ashamed to tell me about what you've been working on. As you never slack off..."

Twilight swallowed.

"... it seems that for whatever reason you're afraid to tell me what you're working on." She fixed Twilight with her glare. "Am I right?"

Twilight briefly considered asking if her teacher wanted dessert, but almost immediately withered. One of Celestia's many skills was sensing academic dishonesty and robbing the student of any desire to attempt it. Twilight sighed.

"...You could say that," she mumbled with great reluctance. "It's... not exactly something that I would want to show you if I had the choice."

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "It isn't illegal, is it?"

"Of course not!" Twilight's indignity overrode her embarrassment. "It's just..." Her embarrassment crept back, and she blushed a little. "... it's kind of odd."

"Is that so?" Celestia was also a master of ambiguity. It was utterly impossible to tell whether or not there was a hint of genuine curiosity in her otherwise purely professional tone of voice. "For exactly what purpose did you design this spell of yours?"

"Well, it's... wait, I never said I was working on a specific spell!"

"I know," Celestia said, her lips hiding a hint of a smile. "Though I think I can make that assumption now."

Twilight mentally kicked herself. "Do I really have to tell you what it is? I'm not sure how... comfortable I'd be with talking about it."

"Oh, so it's that type of spell." Celestia didn't have to specify what that referred to. And she didn't have to wait for an answer, either. The fact that Twilight's head was red as a tomato provided that. "Twilight, studying the more... erotic side of magic is certainly not unknown among the famous mages. It isn't well known, but Star Swirl actually pioneered a spell that allowed him to stretch his-"

"I don't want to know!" Twilight clamped her hands over her ears.

"Alright, I will spare you the details," Celestia rolled her eyes. "My point is that while it might seem rather mortifying to be found studying such things, there is a precedent for it, and I believe that we are more than capable of discussing this in a mature manner." She took on a more stern demeanor. "Assuming, of course, that we can be mature about this.

"O-okay," Twilight swallowed. "I-I guess. It's just a bit awkward, that's all."

"I understand. It's always a bit odd to broach the subject for the first time." Celestia smiled, and took a sip of her tea. "Why don't you begin by telling me exactly how you came across this particular piece of magic?"

"Actually, it was an accident. I was attempting to cast a different spell. You remember how you had me attempting to deconstruct that genderswapping spell? I was trying to cast my own version of it, and it... well, it didn't fail entirely, but it didn't exactly do what it was supposed to do."

"What did it do?" Celestia asked. This time the curiosity in her voice was blatantly obvious.

Twilight braced herself. She couldn't back out now. "I inadvertently ended up creating a..." Her resolve failed and her voice died in her throat.

"A what?"

Twilight sighed. "...a dick-growing spell."

For the first time since that whole Discord incident, Celestia was speechless. She had long since expected that Twilight had had some kinks, but she had expected something more along the lines of being into BDSM or maybe something to do with electric shocks (even she didn't fully understand the purposes of all those odd machines in the library basement. Surely some of them could had less than savory applications).

"I know it's weird, but it's the only thing I have at the moment!" Twilight continued. "I was just trying to understand the principles behind a hypothetical genderswapping spell, and I just sort of ended up with this. It's not like I'm into that sort of thing-"

"Even if you were, I wouldn't care," Celestia interrupted, her voice back. "Everypony has their own kinks."

"R-really?" Twilight blinked. "Even you?"

"That is none of your business," Celestia said curtly. "What is my business is this spell of yours. You realize that content aside, I am still here to examine your progress."

"Y-yes, I have my notes-"

"Of course, but first, I must ensure that this spell of yours is legitimate, and that your notes aren't purely theoretical in nature." Celestia grinned lasciviously. Twilight's blood ran cold as Celestia's words hit her ears. "I want a demonstration."

Author's Note

Don't worry I'll get to the sexy stuff shortly.