This Is Why Everyone Hates 4chan

by RainbowBob

Rating: mature
Tags: Random, Human
Length: 1696

Anonymous is the incarnation of 4chan, the sickest and most messed up place on the internet. And Lyra accidentally summons him in her room. Things go about as well as you'd think.

Anonymous is the incarnation of 4chan, the sickest and most messed up place on the internet. And Lyra accidentally summons him in her room. Things go about as well as you'd think.

Collab and sort of gift for the parasprite, who is awesome and stuff and other things related to that. Check him out!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-16 05:10:02 UTC

Chapter 1: The Shame Hurts You More Than It Will Ever Hurt Me

“Celestia damnit!” Lyra shouted, slamming her hoof against her computer screen. But it was in vain, for the dreaded blue screen of death was still clearly visible. “Luna horn-fucking herself up the ass, not now!”

Groaning in contempt, Lyra sunk down in her seat and rubbed her eyes. “Ugh… I knew I should’ve gotten a Big Mac instead of a shitty PC. Now what am I supposed to do for the next twelve hours?”

It had come to this yet again. Do something productive with her life, or dick around on the internet? Usually Lyra would choose the latter, the choice was just too appealing. I mean, seriously, who didn’t like surfing the web mindlessly, without care for your real life?

And since Lyra didn’t have much of a social life, work life, or really any type of life that involved her getting out of the house, the internet was her only source of entertainment. Pictures, games, porn, videos, chatting with total strangers that were most likely pedophiles, porn, reading shitty fanfics, and was porn mentioned?

Actually, the porn could be a good reason for why her computer fried in the first place. Having two terabytes of smut saved up on her computer couldn’t have been a good thing, especially considering the fact that her virus protection program committed suicide a few weeks ago due to the influx of her raunchy pictures of sexual filth.

“I could go out and talk to Bon Bon,” Lyra said, tapping her chin in thought. “Go for a walk, grab some coffee, hang out…” Lyra shrugged. “Or, I could just fix my computer and jack-off to more human porn.”

Of course, the choice was easy. She had closed the blinds and locked the doors, while keeping her mouse in a safe yet reasonable distance to work it for all she’s worth.

Finally finding the computer manual–which was used to keep her kitchen table from being wobbly–she returned to her room for some much needed repairs. Opening up the manual, she was surprised to see a section specifically for unicorns to use.

“Huh, didn’t know magic worked on technology,” Lyra muttered, flipping through the pages to find the correct one to defeat the dastardly blue screen.

Memorizing the spell in her mind, she raised a brow at it after rereading it a few times. It seemed pretty complicated, and much harder than anything she had ever pulled off before. The most advanced spell she ever managed was an unclogging spell for her toilet. And even then, it didn’t work!

Closing the manual with a thump, she cracked her neck and rubbed her hooves in preparation. “Okay, time to get it on!” she shouted, her horn glowing bright green as she built up magic in preparation of her spell.

Squinting hard as the magic in her horn increased, she activated her spell. A magical surge of energy peppered out from the tip of her horn, striking the front of the computer screen. The blueness turned to green and finally static until it died off to black.

Rubbing her temple and groaning at the amount of effort she put into the spell, Lyra shook her head and focused back on her screen. All she could see was her own reflection.

“Celestia’s fucking ovaries pissing blood, it still doesn’t work!” Lyra yelled, thumping her monitor with a hoof in pure, unbridled anger at the threat of future boredom.

The computer screen suddenly sparked to life, the image was of the page she was previously on. An 4chan /mlp/ thread about horn fetishes.

“Ooh, it does work!” Lyra squealed, clopping her hooves together in glee. “Time to get back to masturbating!”

“hey newfag what’s that about fapping?” a gruff voice asked behind her.

Lyra turned around in her swivel chair, fearful at how that voice suddenly appeared behind her. And when she finally caught an eyeful of it, the the sight caused her jaw to hang open wide in surprise.

It was a humanoid creature of some sort, standing up bipedal with two arms and legs. Though the similarities to a human ended there. Its face was just a mouth, strangely missing both a nose and eyes with just blank skin in its place. It was completely bald with unnaturally green skin, dressed in a pristine black suit with a red tie.

“Wh-what?” Lyra said, mind still drawing blanks at exactly why this was happening and where that… thing was in her room.

“i said what are you gonna fap to you newfag pony?” the strange green man asked again, pointing a finger right in her face. “i bet you like to fap to loli furporn and asian women shoving squids up their asses because you’re the sickest fuck i’ve ever met. Also you’re a newfag, newfag. newfag dubs.”

“Um, uh… I’m not a faggot,” Lyra muttered, pushing her chair away from the man until the back of her chair struck her desk. “Where did you even come from anyways?”

“what was the last page you were fapping to dumbshit?” He flashed her a cocky grin with hands at his sides.

Turning around in her seat, she stared at the infamous screen of 4chan. A website that many shudder even mentioning, much less clicking on. “You’re… from 4chan?” Lyra asked, returning her gaze back to the man.

“i am 4chan, douchenozzle,” he replied, pointing to himself with his green thumb. “name’s Anonymous, and I fuck bitches.”

“Um… nice to meet you, Anonymous,” Lyra replied, smiling as awkwardly as can be at the strange internet phenomenon that had suddenly appeared in her room. “So, I’m guessing my magic caused you to appear here? Wow, I must have really screwed up the spell,” she said, anxiety at the mysterious appearance of her new guest building up.

“that isn’t the only thing you screwed up newfag,” Anonymous chuckled, checking over her shoulder at the page she was still on. “you also have a sick, disgusting fetish, and you forgot to close the page you were showing it off on. Retard even my autistic downie black adopted little brother is smarter than that. kinda.”

“N-no I didn’t!” Lyra argued, reaching with a hoof to click out of her page.

Anonymous stopped her, kicking out her chair so she went across the room and slammed into the opposite wall. “fucking with horns, huh? you’re obviously a sick ponyfag,” he said, scrolling down the page and noticing her own comments. “look at this sick fuck porn you sick fuck how do you justify getting off to this sick fuck sick fuckery? fuck! Also sick fuck quads fuck yeah!”

Lyra muttered incoherently, knocked out of her seat and on the floor. Raising her head, she said, “No, I don’t! That page just… um… opened up unexpectedly.”

“clearly i will have to prove it myself,” Anonymous said with the sheer unwarranted self-importance only a retarded autistic basement-dwelling virgin could possess. He returned back to the fallen mare, sporting a perverted smirk on his expressionless face. “its time for… OperationHorse Handjob! yeah, that sounds good.”

Shaking her head, Lyra sat on her rump and stared up as Anonymous cast a dark shadow over her. His fingers were stretching out with eagerness for grabbing, smile still devious and filled with a malicious intent. Lyra gulped, trembling under Anonymous’s eyeless gaze. “Wh-what are you going to do to me?”

“what the fuck you thi?” Anonymous replied, swiping out with a hand directed right at her head. Lyra winced, expecting pain from a fist impacting with her skull, but oddly enough felt pleasure instead.

Opening her eyes, Lyra looked at Anonymous’ hand wrapped around her horn, pinkie finger pointed outward in a classy way. He started off slow, sliding his palm up and down her horn and gripping it hard, applying pressure to her sweet spots. Lyra let out a moan, her horn glowing and buzzing with energy in time with his hand movements.

“This is… g-great!” Lyra grunted, face flustered with a red tinge as her moans grew louder.

“faggot,” Anonymous replied, really working her horn now as his palm grew sweaty. He was used to doing this to himself, being a chronic compulsive masturbator. “moan like a whore bitch as i abuse you like a boss! oh man, the virgin losers on /b/ are gonna fap so hard when i tell them about this!”

“Fuck me good, Anonymous!” Lyra begged, her magic enveloping the pair in green illumination. “Fuck my naughty horn as hard as you can!”

“god you’re a faggot!” Anonymous shouted in malicious, yet somewhat retarded (he was Anon, after all), glee, just as Lyra came. Sparks burst forth from the tip of her horn, the light so bright it would’ve blinded Anonymous, if he actually had eyes to begin with. He released his hold on the mint green unicorn, her horn too hot to touch.

Lyra lied down on the floor, exhausted from the quicky she just received. As the light from her horn slowly faded away, she looked back up at Anonymous and panted. “Th-thanks… for doing that. It was… was really weird and sudden, but nice.”

“fuck you too bitch,” Anonymous said with a salute, turning away from her and returning to her computer. Bringing his foot up high, he inserted it into the monitor, his entire leg merging with the screen and being sucked inside. Stuffing more of his body into the apparent portal to the internet that was Lyra’s computer, Anonymous looked back at her and waved. “see ya faggot! I got 31 year old retard babbies to e-abort, churches to protest, and some loli cp to download! brb never!”

And with that, he disappeared back into the dirty, vile, sickening place of his birth, otherwise known as 4chan. After a few minutes Lyra got back up and trotted weakly to return her seat back to her desk and sat down.

Wiping sweat from her brow, Lyra rubbed at her sore horn. “Well… that was unexpected,” she said, humming under her breath and rubbing a hoof to her chin. Shrugging, her horn was rekindled with magic. “Time to check out Porntube!”