Small and Stupid Things

by bahatumay

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Romance
Length: 5711

On the eve of her 50th anniversary, Applejack reviews some of the small, stupid, inconsequential, yet supremely important things that helped her relationship with Rainbow Dash become what it is.

On the eve of her 50th anniversary, Applejack reviews her "scrap table"--some of the small, stupid, inconsequential, yet supremely important things that have helped her relationship with Rainbow Dash become what it is. It certainly hasn't been easy, and the effects of their relationship have gone far beyond Ponyville proper, but one thing is for sure:
She regrets none of it.

Originally supposed to be a part of AppleDash Collab number two, but it kindof crashed and burned died, with mine being the only entry (who says ADD is a complete curse?). I decided I'd post what I had in the AppleDash Prompt Tag, but then realized, it's over two thousand words. It might as well be its own submission.
And so now it is.
Now, the rules of this collab were, pick a pony and pick a random item, and write a flashback on how it affected their relationship / brought them together / helped them through a tough time / saved Equestria / that sort of thing; hence the chapter name.
They're all out of order and very random; but isn't that how all memories are?

Published 2013-09-16 20:10:04 UTC
Last updated 2014-02-10 04:44:23 UTC

Candy Wrapper (Twist)

Looking over the pile of things she had collected over the years, Applejack couldn’t help but grin. There was so much life in these old things. Objects that had breathed life into her relationship, simple items that meant so much more than what they were.

Something stood out among the assembled objects, catching her eye and looking out of place like a white piece of trash on an otherwise pristine green lawn. Leaning forward, Applejack picked it up; it was an old candy wrapper. It was amateurish, definitely, and hadn’t been tied very neatly way back when it had held a candy. It bore a quickly drawn set of crossed candy canes, the cutie mark of the mare called Twist. These days, Twist made hard candies that were the envy of pretty much every candymaker in Equestria. Flavor, texture, size, design; she could and did create anything you could possibly think of.

But this wrapper had come from an earlier time, when Twist had just been starting out on her own, and had crossed paths with Rainbow Dash. Applejack couldn’t suppress a smile as she recalled the events that had happened that day, and the far-reaching consequences of a simple candy.

* * *

* * *

Rainbow Dash grinned as she entered Ponyville market. It was always a hive of activity, with ponies talking and sharing information and wares. The best thing about the market was, you were never sure what you could find. Although Canterlot law required a fee and proper documentation for any stand in an open market, Ponyville law had reduced that to a half-page form with a one bit fee. 'To help the free economy,' the mayor had insisted. More likely it was because the mayor hated paperwork; but since nopony likes paperwork anyway, nopony called her out on it, and therefore there really was no limit as to what might appear at market.

For example, there was the time the CMC had decided that the residents of Ponyville needed their ghost hunting abilities, and set up a little stand proclaiming it to the world. Or the time Twilight decided that the library would become more popular if she had a little exhibit of the many books it had.

In all fairness, if she had brought books other than reference materials and thick spell books, she might have had some success.

Today, Rainbow Dash paused in front of a new booth that had been decorated with red and white stripes. It might have appeared as a barber stand were it not for the hoof-drawn sign reading 'candies' overhead. Underneath, in a foal's best cursive, was written, 'by Ponyville's most accomplished candy-making apprentice'. Twist sat underneath, smiling hopefully, hooves crossed in an attempt to appear relaxed and nonchalant, but the way she was sweating and her ears and tail were twitching indicated that she was anything but. It was obviously her first day on the job, and Rainbow couldn't just pass up a perfect opportunity like this.

She paused in front of the stand and made a slightly dramatic show of reading the sign out loud. “Ponyville's most accomplished candy-making apprentice, eh?” Rainbow asked, a hint of teasing in her voice. “And just what gives you the right to that title, huh?”

Twist grinned. She could answer this one. "'Cauth I'm the only candy-making apprentithe in Ponyville!"

“Can't argue with that logic,” Rainbow agreed. “So what kind of poison are you selling today?”

Twist frowned and crossed her forelegs defensively. “They're not poithin,” she protested. “They're good candieth. Bon Bon helped me make them.”

Rainbow raised an eyebrow. “I dunno... Bon Bon will put laxatives in your chocolate if you make her angry.”

“Thee duth not!” Twist shook her head and vigorously defended her boss. “That'th never been proven!”

Rainbow chuckled, and decided to lay off the filly for a while now that her anxiousness was gone. “All right, then. She doesn't. So, what kind of stuff do you have?”

Twist pointed to the sample plate in front of her. “Butterthcotch candieth,” she answered proudly.

“They’re pretty cheap,” Rainbow commented. She examined the slightly-misshapen ovals a bit closer and frowned. “And a bit ugly,” she added truthfully.

“Yeah,” Twist blushed ever so slightly, “I'm thtill not tho good with cutting them out yet. But they tathte jutht fine!”

“I'll be the judge of that,” Rainbow said, picking up a candy from the samples plate and popping it into her mouth. She slowly sucked on the hard candy, and her eyes widened as the sweet flavor hit her tongue. She often got candies like this at her grandmother’s house, and she’d end up crunching them after a while, but these... “This is really good,” she said.

Twist grinned. "Toldja tho."

"I'll take one."

"Jutht one?" Twist couldn't keep the disappointment out of her voice.

"One bag, smart filly. I've got a picnic today and these will make a good dessert." She grinned. "And good for tossing into AJ's mouth when she's not looking."

Giggling and very much mollified, Twist gave Rainbow one of the bags and sat back, ready for the next customer.

* * *

Applejack set the basket down and looked around the park. “This looks as good a place as any.”

She was taken aback as Rainbow Dash flopped down next to it. “Great! I’m starving!” She reached up to pull out something to eat, but Applejack slapped her hoof away.

“Not yet! You gotta set up a picnic ‘afore you can have it.”

Rainbow sat up and stomped a hoof. “I don’t care. I’m hungry, you’re here, food’s here, and that’s what’s important.”

“More important than doin’ it right?” Applejack asked as she pulled out the blanket and began spreading it out.

“It’s just food, Applejack. We eat it. That’s it.”

Applejack grinned, knowing that this was more a result of Rainbow’s being hungry than wanting to get in a fight. “Grandpappy always said if’n it’s worth doin’, it’s worth doin’ right,” she teased.

Rainbow made a big show of throwing her hooves up and crossing them exasperatedly. “Fine! But if I starve to death it'll be all your fault!”

“However will I live with the guilt,” Applejack said flatly, but the twinkle in her eye indicated that she was still just teasing.

“You'd better feel guilty,” Rainbow grinned, giving her a playful nudge. “I expect you to cry at my funeral.”

“Oh, hush.”

Lunch was soon served, and the two ate happily. Applejack had provided in spades, as usual, and the food was delicious.

“Hey, Applejack,” Rainbow said as she finished off yet another sandwich. “What's for dessert?”

“Ah'm thinking we rest for a while,” Applejack said, leaning back against a tree and putting her hat over her eyes. “There'll be plenty of apple pie and apple crumble for la- gah!”

For Rainbow had taken one of her hard candies and tossed it into Applejack's open mouth, and had scored a direct hit.

“Scooore!” Rainbow cheered.

Applejack spat out the offending item. “Real mature, Rainbow.”

Rainbow tossed the bag over and opened her own mouth. “Here. You try,” she said, pointing at her mouth.

Applejack rolled her eyes, but unwrapped a candy and tossed it. It hit Rainbow right between the eyes, and she couldn't suppress a giggle. “I knew I was a better ponyshoes player than you,” she teased.

“Issat so?” Applejack asked, unwrapping another. “Then take that!” She tossed another, and this one hit Rainbow right on the nose.

“Are you even trying?” Rainbow teased.

“Keep laughing, feather brain,” Applejack grinned as she tossed a third one. This one fell perfectly, landing directly in her mouth.

Rainbow sat up and grinned. “Nice shot,” she said. “About time, too.”

Applejack tossed the bag over. “Then you try doin’ it again,” she challenged.

Rainbow grinned. “Will do!” Pulling the bag back over, she unwrapped another and tossed it gently. It landed squarely on Applejack's nose.

She giggled and shook it loose. “How the mighty have fallen...”

“Hey! ‘The mighty’ is just getting started!” Rainbow defended herself. She picked up another and tossed it a bit harder this time. It bounced off her cheek and hit the ground.

Applejack snickered.

Rainbow took this as a challenge and threw the next one harder. This one got lost somewhere in her mane.

Applejack roughly brushed it out. “And here Ah thought you wanted to actually use these. You might as well be throwin' pebbles and stop wastin’ good candy.”

Rainbow growled and threw the final candy. This one flew straight and true.

Too straight.

The hard candy flew right into Applejack’s mouth, straight down her throat, and got stuck. Applejack doubled over and began coughing, trying to dislodge it. Rainbow rushed over and began pounding on her back, trying to help.

With a powerful hack, Applejack managed to release the candy, spitting it out. Both ponies stared at it, both breathing rapidly. Once panted for breath, the other hyperventilated from worry.

Finally, Applejack recovered enough to speak. "Hitting me there doesn't help, you know. It only works if’n they can’t cough at all."

"Sorry," Rainbow said sheepishly. "I panicked."

"You, panic?" Now that Applejack was out of danger, she could joke about things again. "Didn't think you ever panicked. I've seen you pull stunts so crazy that they would have made a lesser pony soil herself."

"Only when things are important," Rainbow defended herself. She paused. "Not the soiling part, the panicking part."

"And I'm important, is that what you're sayin'?" Applejack teased.

"Well, kindof, yeah. I mean, I'd hate to lose you. Really, I would."

"Ah'd hate to lose me too," Applejack grinned. "Maybe Ah'll stick to just pie for dessert from now on."

And with that, the conversation shifted and was soon forgotten. At least, by one participant.

* * *

Later that night, Applejack was fast asleep when she was suddenly interrupted by a little explosion and then a heavy weight on her bed. She sat up, eyes half closed but hooves raised and ready to fight.

“What do you think you're doin'...” Applejack paused as she recognized the intruder. “Rainbow?”

“Hey, Applejack,” Rainbow grinned sheepishly from under the mess of blankets. “What’s up?”

“Ah could ask you the same thing,” Applejack responded, slowly pushing her covers off to look Rainbow in the eyes. “Why are you here this late at night?”

“No reason.”

Applejack frowned angrily. She did not get woken up in the middle of the night just for that. “You're lyin',” she growled. “Why are you here?”

Rainbow stammered, “Well, I... You see, I...”

“Spit it out.”

“I think I love you.”

Applejack froze. “Ya wanna run that by me again?”

Rainbow buried her face in the blankets, and her next answer was muffled. Applejack put a hoof on her mane and physically lifted her head, at which Rainbow covered her face with her hooves, still blushing furiously.

Applejack took the protective measure of placing Rainbow's tail firmly in her own mouth. “Ah ain't lettin' you go until you explain that, so start talkin'.”

“...”

Applejack waited. “Ah'm awake now, and Ah can wait here all night if'n Ah have to.”

Rainbow sat there for a good ten minutes before looking up. “Fine...” she said, defeated. “I've never been good with this mushy stuff. It just seemed like a good idea at the time...”

“What did?”

Rainbow answered with another question. “Remember our picnic today?”

“Sure do,” Applejack grinned. “It was only a few hours ago.”

“And remember when I said 'I'd hate to lose you'?”

“Yeah...?”

“I was thinking about that all evening. I would. I really would.”

Applejack paused. “Would you now?”

“Mm-hm,” Rainbow said. “I would. Ever since the running of the leaves, I've liked hanging out with you. Our games and picnics and little competitions have been great. But when you said that, I realized just how much I would miss you. I...” Her voice trailed off. “I should go.”

“You’re goin’ nowhere. Keep talkin’.”

“I like spending time with you. I like hanging out with you. You’re pretty awesome, and that means something coming from me.”

Applejack suppressed a smile.

“But yeah, it’s just... I was thinking of how I’d hate to lose you and then I started thinking how much I like you and then the next thing I knew I realized, I think I like you. Like, like like you.”

Applejack blushed ever so slightly. “Issat so?”

“Yeah,” Rainbow said. “I mean, look at you. You’re strong, you’re fast, you’re almost good competition for me, you look great! Even before today, whenever I fantasized about going to a socks and saddles club, it was you on stage!”

Applejack cocked her head.

Rainbow paled. "That... that came out wrong," she said hesitantly.

"Did it now," Applejack said flatly.

"I mean..." Rainbow slammed her hooves into her face. "Argh! I can't win, can I? Maybe I’ve liked you for a while and just never knew it. Look, all I came here to say was, I really think I want you to be my special somepony.”

“You think?”

Rainbow buried her head in the covers again. “You know I’m no good with the mushy stuff! It just seemed like a good idea to tell you and next thing I knew I was here.”

Applejack released her tail and rested a hoof on her head. “Well, shoot. Ah really don’t know how to respond to that. But Ah do know that you’re pretty awesome too.”

Rainbow Dash looked up hopefully. “So are we special someponies now?”

“Not yet,” Applejack said, “but Ah’ll be thinking about it.”

* * *

* * *

Back in the present, Applejack couldn’t suppress another chuckle. Oh, yes. She had thought about it. It had taken a while and a few more adventures before she found her answer, yes; but she had thought about it. And then she had made her choice, and that had been the best decision of her life.

Setting the wrapper down, she made a mental note to send Twist some extra apples this next order, and looked over her treasures again. The next item to catch her eye brought back other powerful memories, and Applejack couldn’t help but think back once more.

Author's Note

What else is on her table? Leave a comment and through the miracle of ADD, it just might happen.
Eventually.
Maybe.

Miniature Applejack Doll (Coco Pommel)

suggested by DbzOrDie

Applejack’s green eyes continued to roam until they came into contact with another set of green eyes. This second set, though, was a bit more lifeless. This was probably because they were green buttons and not real eyes, attached to an orange plush doll with yellow yarn for a mane.

Applejack picked up the small doll and couldn’t help but laugh again. This tiny doppelganger had apparently brought much comfort to Rainbow, and plenty of amusement to Applejack. She picked its tiny hat up and placed it back on its stuffed head as yet another memory surfaced.

* * *

Applejack literally pranced down the stairs and into the kitchen, humming happily to herself.

Granny Smith raised an eyebrow. “Somethin’s sure got you up and peppy this mornin’,” she observed. “You’re happier ‘n a crow in a field full of corn.”

“Ah know what it is!” interrupted Apple Bloom, spewing pancake crumbs across the table. “Rainbow Dash is comin’ home today!”

“Eeyup!” Applejack proclaimed, grabbing a pancake from the stack for herself and bathing it in syrup.

“Well, how about that?” Granny said, more excitedly. “That’s great! It’s been a month of Sundays since she’s been back.”

“Feels like longer,” Applejack said. “Ah’m just tickled pink.”

“When do you think she’ll get here?” Apple Bloom asked.

Applejack opened her mouth to answer, but a knock on the door interrupted her. “She’s here!” she shouted, abandoning her pancake and sprinting to the door.

Sure enough, there stood Rainbow Dash, dressed in a crisply pressed suit, surrounded by suitcases, and… carrying a Applejack doll in her saddlebag?

Understandably, Applejack paused. Rainbow didn’t, however, and wrapped her in a tight hug. “Applejack! It’s so great to see you!”

“Yeah,” Applejack said. “It’s been… forever…”

Rainbow pulled back, confusion on her face. “Are you ok? You don’t seem very happy to see me…”

“Oh, no, that ain’t it,” Applejack said. “It’s just…” She raised a hoof and pointed at her miniature doppelganger. “Ah can honestly say Ah’ve never seen that before.”

“Oh, right. Introductions.” Rainbow Dash pulled the plushie out of her bag, held it out, and cleared her throat. “AJ, this is Teeny AJ. Teeny AJ, this is AJ.”

Applejack raised an eyebrow so high it almost got lost in her mane. “Are you serious right now?”

Rainbow held out the doll. “Bump hooves, AJ,” she said in the tone of voice mothers use when encouraging foals to be friendly.

Applejack slowly raised a hoof and bumped the doll’s hoof. “Pleased t’ meetcha,” she said automatically.

Rainbow kept her grin up for only a few moments longer before she dropped it. “Yeah… It’s stupid, I know. I was going to get rid of her before I got here, but I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“Well…” Rainbow looked down and twisted a hoof against the ground. “It’s kindof lonely without you,” she mumbled. “And cold. It’s all kinds of cold without you. Especially in Manehattan. So I kindof found that Coco mare from last time and had her make Teeny AJ to cuddle with at night.”

Applejack considered this. “Ah think Ah’m touched,” she said. “And a mite creeped out.” She inspected her tiny double. “Though she did do a good job on the stitching,” she had to admit

“Yeah, I've never had to fix anything on her. Which is good, because I have no idea how to sew. And I tried to get rid of it, really, I did; I just… kindof really missed you, that’s all. Teeny AJ made it not so bad being away from you, and so it's kindof hard to try and throw her away after all she's done for me.”

Applejack pondered this for a few moments. Rainbow Dash averted her eyes, but she quickly straightened up when Applejack leaned over and bit her gently on the ear. Rainbow had always liked being bitten on the ear, and let out the tiniest of 'nyeh!' sounds.

“That’s really sweet,” Applejack said. “Ah ain’t even creeped out anymore.”

Rainbow brightened. “Great! Because…”

Her voice trailed off, but enough beans had been spilled to catch Applejack's attention. Applejack narrowed her eyes. “Because what?”

“Uh…” Rainbow’s eyes flicked from side to side, as if looking for an escape.

“Because what, Rainbow?” Applejack asked firmly.

“Well, because… let’s just say you’d probably better avoid Manehattan for a bit, unless you like getting your picture taken.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well…” Rainbow rubbed the back of her head nervously. “I may or may not have accidentally started a trend down there when I picked Teeny AJ up in my Wonderbolts outfit and little dolls of you may or may not be kindof popular down there right now and Coco's got little clothes for them and everything and-”

“You what?”

* * *

Applejack chuckled and put Teeny AJ down. Rainbow had cracked many a ménage a trois joke with Teeny AJ and Big AJ.

Of course, that had never happened. But it had been funny the first two times.

The fad of the dolls had been fairly short-lived, but widespread enough that when Applejack’s royalty bits had arrived, well; it had been quite the windfall for them. Coco Pommel had been so grateful for the exposure that she'd… yes, there it was.

Applejack cleared some space, and then rested Teeny AJ on top of Teeny Dashie. With a quick nudge of her hoof, she made Teeny Dashie roll over, making the two dolls look like they were cuddling.

Perfect.

She moved on, still looking over the gathered items and smiled as her eye caught another item, starting another memory.

Author's Note

Short chapter is short...

Marriage Officiating License (Apple Bloom)

She continued to scan the area and then something else white caught her eye. She couldn't help but laugh as she picked it up. Oh, she'd nearly forgotten about this. How could she have forgotten?

This item was different. It had affected them indirectly; to be honest, Applejack only put it with her scrapbook when she had found it discarded in the trash. It was dirty, and carried an imprint of dirt from a filly's careless step. It didn't look very imposing, and certainly didn’t look like something that would rock their relationship..

Yet Applejack could remember everything about that day…

* * *
* * *

“Hey Applejack? You’re a mare, right?”

Of all the questions Apple Bloom had ever asked her sister, this was by far the strangest. Nevertheless, Applejack decided to humor her sister and answer. “Yeah, Apple Bloom; Ah’m a mare, and have been for some time now. Why?”

“Do you know how to tell when a mare is pregnant?”

If her first question was the strangest, this was a close second. “Well, ya just know,” she said, opting to not mention the uncomfortable growth, sore hooves, and unintentional lactation that often accompanied pregnancy. “Why?”

“‘Cause I heard from Diamond Tiara who heard from Silver Spoon who heard from Bon Bon who heard from Lily who heard from Rose who heard from Shoeshine who heard from-”

“Can you get to the point?”

“That Cheerilee was pregnant!” Apple Bloom finished.

Applejack’s jaw dropped.

* * *

“No, I can’t say I’ve heard the rumor,” Rainbow said, “but I bet she’d make a great mother.”

“That ain’t what this is about!” Applejack hissed.

“Then what is it about?” Rainbow challenged. “So your brother knocked up his marefriend. Big whoop.”

“Big wh- Rainbow!”

“Whaat?”

“It’s one of the oldest unspoken rules of the Apple family! You ain’t supposed to mount a mare you ain’t married to!”

Rainbow smirked. “That has never stopped you.”

Applejack flushed red all the way to the tips of her ears.

“In fact, wasn’t it just last week you let me put-”

“Ap-ap-ap-ap-ap!” Applejack protested, shoving a hoof over Rainbow’s mouth. “That never comes out of the barn.”

Rainbow pulled the hoof off her mouth and grinned. “Well, you were coming in the barn, and-”

“Rainbow!” Applejack’s face resembled an apple more than a pony. “Be serious for once!”

Rainbow sighed. “Fine. But look, I don’t get what the big deal about this is!” Rainbow said. “My dad knocked up his marefriend, and here I am!” She paused. “Come to think of it, I don’t think they ever got hitched…”

Applejack facehoofed and was about to ask another question but she was interrupted by the door opening.

Mac stepped in, cheerfully grabbing himself something to drink. Applejack grabbed on to his yoke and spun him around.
“Tell us it’s just a rumor,” she demanded.

“What is?” Mac asked.

“That Cheerilee’s pregnant.” Applejack narrowed one eye. “It is just a rumor, right?”

She was expecting a firm ‘eeyup!’. What she got, though, was…

“Uhh…”

Applejack pulled his face down to hers. “Don’t tell me she’s pregnant,” she growled.

Mac gave a shaky smile. “Ok, Ah won’t tell you.”

Rainbow rolled her eyes. “She’s pregnant, isn’t she?”

Mac grinned. It was clear that while he was embarrassed, he was also proud of his accomplishment at the same time. “Eeyup.”

“Maaac!” Applejack scolded.

“What?”

“Granny Smith is gonna kill you when she finds out!”

“If. If she finds out,” Rainbow corrected.

“Granny is going to find out, Rainbow!” Applejack hissed. “She has a way of knowin’ these things!”

“Knowing what things?”

Everypony spun around to see Cheerilee herself, standing in the doorway with a look of confusion on her face. “Did I miss something?” she asked.

Rainbow saw no reason to break this lightly. “Are you pregnant?”

Cheerilee threw her head back and sighed in defeat. “So that’s what everypony’s been talking about today…” she mumbled. “I told Berry I might be. Might. Be. Maybe I should have waited until she was sober before sharing…”

“And maybe you should have waited until after you two were hitched afore you started makin' foals!” Applejack said accusingly.

Cheerilee hesitated. “Actually…”

“What?”

“We’re kindof already married.”

“You what?!” Applejack turned to her brother and gave him a look. Far from getting Mac off the hook, this buried him even deeper. He was no longer in the frying pan; he was in the flames and being doused with gasoline.

Cheerilee took the tiniest of steps back. “It was an accident…”

“How the hay do you ‘accidentally’ get married?” Applejack demanded.

Cheerilee chuckled, not meeting Applejack’s eyes. “Funny story, really…”

Applejack dropped to her haunches. “Ah’ve got time.”

Rainbow nodded and folded her forelegs. She wanted to hear this, too.

Cheerilee nodded and sat at the table. “Well… ooh, where shall I start? It was a beautiful, warm afternoon, and I was having a picnic with Macintosh in the park. Mac nuzzled me gently, and I could smell his musky, stallion scent wafting in the breeze-”

“Can I be the first to say ‘eww’?” Rainbow interrupted.

Cheerilee made the tiniest of grunts. “If you must.”

“Ok. Ewwwww.”

“Are you quite done?” Cheerilee asked flatly.

Rainbow thought for a second, and then sat up. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“Anyway… We’d just gotten to the dessert when three of my students came up…”

* * *

Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle came rushing up to the picnicking pair. They looked so excited that they couldn’t help but smile.

“Wanna help us get our cutie marks?” Sweetie Belle asked. “We need a perfect couple, and you two are just perfect!”

Mac nodded, and indicated his agreement by giving Cheerilee the slightest of nudges on her flank. Cheerilee responded in kind by swatting his with her tail.

“Great! Follow us!”

The two older ponies followed the three fillies back to their clubhouse. Mac opened the door for Cheerilee, and she couldn’t help but laugh a bit at the sight.

They’d set up a perfect wedding chapel arrangement there inside the clubhouse. Sure, the curtains were bedsheets and one was more pink than white, but it was still a very nice gesture.

Apple Bloom threw uncooked rice (though the large, moist white glob on the carpet indicated they’d tried cooked rice for their rehearsal), accidentally hitting Cheerilee in the face. Mac couldn’t help but laugh… and received an elbow in his ribs for his trouble.
When they’d marched up to the little stand (because you don’t just simply walk up the aisle on your wedding day), Scootaloo cleared her throat and began to read from the large book on the stand.

“Deer… deer? No… Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today…”

* * *

“Wait,” Rainbow interrupted. “So they were just acting out a wedding ceremony?”

“And you thought that counted?” Applejack chimed in, dumbfounded.

“I’m not done yet,” Cheerilee said primly.

* * *

“...as long as you both shall live.” Scootaloo looked up from her book. “Ok! You may now kiss the bride!”

Mac's mouth opened in surprise as he saw what Cheerilee was about to do a split second too late. She pulled his head down and quite forcibly stuck her tongue inside his mouth. He paused, enjoying the feeling of his mouth being violated before quickly returning fire, earning a pleasured whimper from Cheerilee and gags of revulsion from the three fillies.

Luckily for the Crusaders, Cheerilee pulled away before their fragile little psyches were shattered beyond repair.

Now looking a bit green (which clashed horribly with her orange coat), Scootaloo slid a paper over, accompanied by an ink pad. “Now stomp this paper.”

Mac and Cheerilee looked at each other and smiled. They really had gone whole hog on this. Mac chuckled as he lifted a hoof and placed it on the paper. Cheerilee quickly followed suit.

As soon as Cheerilee had, the three fillies quickly spun around, checking their flanks. All three sighed as they saw them as blank as the day they were born.

“Aww,” Sweetie Belle whined. “I thought for sure that’d work this time.”

Cheerilee smiled. “It was a good thought, and I really appreciate the gesture; but if you want to be able to perform actual weddings, you’d need a license.”

Scootaloo slammed the book shut. “We did get a license! Still nothing! Waste of bits, that’s all it was!”

Cheerilee felt a cold pit form in the bottom of her stomach. She’d drawn the logical conclusion, and she’d had enough past experience with these three that she wouldn’t put anything past them. “C- could you repeat that?”

“We did get a license,” Scootaloo repeated, pulling hers out of the book and throwing it onto the top of the lectern. “All three of us got one.”

“Ah, marryin’ ponies might get old after a while, anyway,” Apple Bloom said. “Maybe it's best we find somethin' else, anyway.”

Mac finally caught up. “Wait. We're actually married?!”

Scootaloo nodded, then paused; and then she said the smarterest thing she’d said all day. “Come to think of it, I don’t know how well we thought this one out.”

* * *

Rainbow paused. “Ok, now I’ve heard everything. I’m out.”

She turned to fly away, but Applejack grabbed her tail and forcefully pulled her back to the ground. “If’n Ah have to sit through this, so do you,” she growled.

“There’s not too much else to tell,” Cheerilee said with a shrug. “We talked to Twilight, and she looked through all her books. Turns out they’d filled out the paperwork right and there's no limit to the officiator’s age on the Ponyville books, so it’s legally binding under Equestrian law.”

“You’re kiddin’.” Suddenly, something else made sense. “Did you say two months ago?”

Cheerilee nodded.

“Is that why her allowance disappeared that week?” Applejack asked, more to herself than to anypony else. “Sendin’ away for that license?”

“I could believe that,” Rainbow said. Scootaloo had asked for money about two months ago, too, come to think of it…

“I’m not kidding,” Cheerilee reassured her. “In the eyes of the law, Mac and I are legally married.”

“So why didn’t you tell anypony?”

“It’s not exactly how I hoped my wedding would be,” Cheerilee admitted. “I was hoping for something a little more… romantic. And with my family there. And Berry as my best mare.”

“And a better honeymoon?” Rainbow suggested, waggling an eyebrow suggestively. “Or did you just go out and consum-thingy it in the orchard? I hear the south fields are lovely this time of year…”

Cheerilee blushed bright pink, and Rainbow threw back her head and laughed so hard she almost forgot to flap her wings.

Applejack brought them all back to reality, and Rainbow back to the ground with a quick stamp of her hoof. “If you're done tormentin' the happy couple… Ah don’t know how we’re gonna fix this so it doesn’t turn out lookin' awkward for everypony,” she admitted.

“I’d rather not admit I was tricked by a trio of fillies,” Cheerilee said.

“Nope,” Mac agreed.

Applejack continued. “And if the Apple family gets wind of a private wedding that nopony was invited to, they'll blow their stacks.”

“Eeyup,” Mac agreed.

“'Cause that's not how an Apple gets married.”

“Nope.”

“It’s a real family affair, with more family and food than you can shake two sticks at.”

“Eeyup.”

“So get married again,” Rainbow suggested. “But the right way this time. With cider. And awesome pegasi, like me. But especially cider.”

Applejack rolled her eyes.

Cheerilee shook her head. “That’s bigamy.”

Rainbow cocked her head. “Biga-who now?”

Cheerilee rolled her eyes.

Rainbow continued, “Look, at my job, if there's no paperwork it didn't happen. Even if everypony in town can see that the sky is covered in clouds that they watched you put there, unless you filled out an LF-193, you won't get paid a bit. So what counts in getting married is the paperwork, right?”

“Yeah?”

“So just do another wedding thing, with flowers and family and food and cider and everything, but just say you'll take care of the paperwork after the wedding, so it doesn't get soaked in the barrels of cider you guys will have there.”

“Rainbow, enough with the cider!” Applejack scolded, grabbing her tail and forcefully pulling her back.

Cheerilee, however, had been listening to the other parts of Rainbow's idea. “Actually, that's not a bad idea. We'll just never sign the paper. It won't legally have happened, and everypony's happy.”

“Eeyup,” Mac agreed.

“Seems a bit shady…” Applejack murmured.

Mac raised an eyebrow. “You wanta tell our family why they ain’t comin’ to my weddin’?”

Applejack paused. “So how we settin’ this thing up, anyhow?”

“Leave that to me,” Rainbow said. She took a step forward and coughed once before throwing her head back and resting the back of one hoof dramatically on her forehead. “Oh, woe is me! Oh, woe is me! If only Pinkie Pie were here! She’d know the perfect way to throw this party!”

“But I am here!”

Everypony jumped as Pinkie Pie spoke. She was standing in the circle, as if she’d always been there.

Rainbow brushed some imaginary dust off her barrel and turned to leave. “My work here is done.”

* * *

Later that night, Applejack slid close to Apple Bloom. “So, Ah heard what you and your friends did with Mac and Cheerilee…”

Apple Bloom’s face went white. “Y- ya did, didja?” she chuckled nervously.

“And Ah was wonderin’... You still have that card?”

This was not what Apple Bloom had expected. She answered slowly, expecting a trap. “Uh… yeah. Prolly in a junk drawer somewhere. Why?”

“Just wonderin’.”

* * *
* * *

Applejack set the license down and continued looking at the table. If the license was here, then… yes, there it was. She picked it up and saw how it gleamed in the candlelight.

The little golden ring she’d used the first time she’d proposed to Rainbow Dash.

Author's Note

Part one of three