Definitely Not A Saint

by Xvern

Rating: teen
Tags: Crossover, Human, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 3555

When the Boss, and POTUS, gets sent to Equestria by Zenyak, he's going to try his best to get home. Through any means necessary.

Zenyak, the alien overlord that captured the Boss and blew up Earth, set up a trap for said Boss. Waking up in the magical land of Equestria, Bishop is faced with the challenge of finding a way back to the Steelport simulation. The question is: how much chaos is he going to bring and will the ponies accept Third Street Saint justice?

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-29 23:32:23 UTC

Hello Ground!

"Ah, Steelport. Such a vibrant city."

"You do realize it's a simulation right?"

"Shh, Kenzie. You're ruining the moment."

"Oh, my bad. I thought it was already ruined by the swarm of aliens attacking you!" stated the techgirl, her voice having steadily raised in volume.

Bishop, aka Saints Boss, aka Celebrity, aka President of the (motherfucking) United States, finished reloading his assault rifle by slamming the bolt release. He then lifted the rifle over the wall and blind-fired as a laser show played out overhead. Large parts of the building were scorched or flaked off by the laser fire. A couple seconds later, the bolt locked to the rear again, causing Bishop to draw his rifle back into cover and eject the magazine.

"I fail to see how that's related," he stated as he set his rifle aside and picked up a RPG. Standing out of cover, he aimed at a cluster of vehicles that the aliens were using as cover. A click of a trigger and the missile flew out, slamming into one of the vehicles and causing a chain reaction that blew apart half the street.

"Tell me someone saw that!" he shouted as he ducked back behind the wall, tossing the used launcher aside.

"Sadly, I did but you still have a quarter of the city worth of aliens trying to gut you," Kenzie reported. Bishop sighed. The girl was such a killjoy but she was very helpful when it came to this tech game.

"They won't gut me. They'll just shoot me until there's nothing left of me but a bloody mess," Bishop replied as he popped up out of cover to shoot accurate bursts at the aliens with his M4. He was up for only a couple seconds before he ducked back down from a near miss.

"Actually, your virtual body would dematerialize long before you became a 'bloody mess'."

"Thanks Kenzie."

"Anytime. By the way, the Command CID is near you if you want to get rid of your notoriety."

"Why thanks Kenz, didn't think you cared."

"Oh, I don't," she replied, "I just need you for another mission."

Bishop chuckled as he shook his head. Taking his rifle, he slung it tight against his back and drew his pistol. He took a second to collect himself before focusing his mind into a jump. Finally, he pushed upward with his legs and entered the sky.

"Whoo-hoo!" he shouted as he soared over the alien forces. As he reached his apex, he began to look around through the purple tinted visor of his helmet. He wore the same spec-ops armor he had on when he took down Cyrus. He liked it as it made him feel more hero-ish. It also protected him a lot more than a dress shirt and slacks.

Seeing the golden orb that was the Command CID, he turned himself toward it as best he could. Lasers stabbed into the air at him but he was able to land without getting hit. As soon as he landed, the CID took off, Bishop taking off after it at a super sprint.

"You are quite the bother Mr. President," came the voice of Zinyak. Bishop groaned as he flipped over a police car, firing his pistol through the roof into the driver. Landing, he continued chasing after the CID.

"And you're quite the asshole, get to the point," Bishop ordered as he followed the orb over a small house. Landing, he continued sprinting, not tiring.

"Well, I'll just say this: the catching of this CID may have... strange consequences."

"The fuck? What's that mean?" Bishop asked. The alien didn't reply, but Kenzie did.

"Boss? I'm getting a strange fluctuation in the codes. Zinyak is updating them with... something."

"Pretty vague, Kenzie," he was catching up to the orb now. Thirty meters out.

"Hang on, I'll look into it."

Pushing it to the side, Bishop focused on the Command CID. He continued to close in. Twenty meters. Fifteen. Ten. Five. Three. Got it. Grabbing the antenna, he swung it around and slammed it into the asphalt.

"Wait Boss, it's a trap!" Kenzie shouted.

"Too late," Zinyak stated right after. The golden orb's eye turned red as it looked up at Bishop. With a flash, Bishop (and one of his cars) was gone from Steelport. The CID's eye returned to normal and began to float around as if nothing happened.

"Boss? BOSS!"

Bishop opened his eyes to see something green below him. It was when the wind began howling and the green began getting closer that he realized he was FALLING!

"Oh, what the fuck!" he shouted, stretching out the last word as he fell. Looking to his left, he paused his shouting due to the fact that his Pacemaker was falling beside him. The black and purple sports car with tinted windows and purple, low profile rims was his pride and joy and it was FALLING TO THE GROUND!

"Fuck you Zinyack!" he shouted as he tried to swim to the car. To his surprise, it worked and he found himself getting closer and closer to the car. He also noticed that the car had giants packs strapped to it's hood and trunk.

"Why does the car get parachutes?!" he screamed as he continued his swimming motions. Looking down, he saw the ground, and a small village, getting way too close for comfort. Swimming faster, he got closer and closer to the car. Reaching the car he ripped the door open and climbed in, ignoring the broken physics involved with that series of motions.

Closing the door, he looked around his car. The passenger seat was empty but the backseat had a couple bags and cases on it. Bishop raised an eyebrow at it. He definitely did not have those in there back in Steelport. Looking back at the dash, he noticed a big red button. Bishop pressed the button and watched as the parachutes deployed.

Now safely drifting to the ground, he took a moment to make himself comfortable. First was removing the rifle from his back (which had been digging into his back) and setting it on the passenger floorboard. Next he took off his helmet and tossed it unceremoniously onto the seat. Running a gloved hand through his short, black hair, he leaned his seat back and put his hands behind his head. Closing his hazel eyes, he let a smile come to his face as he drifted to sleep.

He had his car, gear, and wasn't falling to his death. This wasn't too bad.

Tap, tap.

Tap.

"Huh?" Bishop mumbled, stretching as he woke up from his nap. Wiping his mouth, he put the seat back up and looked out the windows. Around him was a scene that made him wipe his eyes to make sure it was actually happening. He was in the park of some medieval village with buildings made of wood and straw. The colors were vibrant and seemed to jump out at him.

There was also a shit ton of little horses standing in a circle around the car. A cyan, winged horse was tapping the driver side window with it's hoof. It's over expressive, cartoonish face taking on a look of confusion.

"Miller, if this is another one of your training simulations," Bishop muttered.

"Hello?" asked the... horse.

"Miller, this has already got to be the worst fanfiction, ever."

The horse looked back at the crowd. It launched into the air when Bishop opened the car door. He paused, an eyebrow raised. Using the pause, he grabbed his helmet and tossed it on his head. Fully opening the door, he stepped out of his car and stood up. The colorful horse, things, looked at him with shock and fear. Bishop looked back at them with curiosity and amusement, though it went unnoticed due to his helmet.

A blur of cyan brought a pistol into Bishop's right hand as he held it aimed at the winged horse that had been by his car. When he realized what it was, he lowered the pistol but kept it out. He noticed how dilated it's eyes were and deduced that he had frightened the horse.

"What are you?" the cyan horse finally asked in a feminine voice as it looked Bishop up and down.

"Good question," Bishop replied, startling the horse again. Though, this time it managed to stay planted on the ground. The two stared at each other as murmuring began to spread throughout the crowd. A look of annoyance grew on the winged horse's face. Finally:

"Well, you gonna answer?"

"Where am I?"

"What? You're in Equestria, duh! Everypony knows that!" it replied.

"Equestria?" Bishop asked calmly.

"Yeah, why?"

"Excuse me for one second," Bishop stated, much to the confusion of the winged horse. Holstering his pistol, Bishop climbed up his car to stand on the roof. Once on the roof, he leaned back, lifting both hands in a one finger salute to the sky.

"Fuck you Zinyak! Or Miller! Whichever one of you did this!" he shouted before dropping his hands and standing straight. Turning to the horse, he walked to the edge of his car and jumped off to stand in front of it again.

"Now," he breathed, "what do you want to know?"

Fourth Wall? What Fourth Wall?

"First off, what are you?" questioned the cyan winged horse thing with the vibrant red eyes (which were fucking huge by the way! How can... never mind, not the time) that stared at his visor.

"A Saint," Bishop answered nonchalantly as he leaned against his car and folded his arms.

"How ca-"

"Nuh-uh," interrupted the Saint as he waggled a finger at the horse, "my turn. How can horses-"

"Ponies!" barked a bipedal, black furred, wolf. He was seated in a directors chair, his blood red eyes focused on Bishop and Dash as his tail swished behind him. Around the crowd, and right next to Dash and Bishop, ponies were operating studio cameras.

"I thought that I was doing it right?" Bishop asked as he put a hand out, a white hoof coming from nowhere to place a stack of papers in the outstretched hand. With the paper in hand, he started leafing through the first couple pages.

"Let's see... fall from the sky; flip off sky; yeah, here it is: 'Bishop: Nuh-uh, my turn. How can horses talk?' Says so right here."

"Yeah, then I was to correct him," Dash added, a brow up in confusion. The wolf looked confused himself as he snapped his fingers and looked through the stack of papers that appeared from thin air.

"Uh, so it is. Right. My bad. Start from the top. Ready?"

"First off, what are you?" questioned the cyan winged horse thing with the vibrant red eyes (which were fucking huge by the way! How can... never mind, not the time) that stared at his visor.

"A Saint," Bishop answered nonchalantly as he leaned against his car and folded his arms.

"How ca-"

"Nuh-uh," interrupted the Saint as he waggled a finger at the horse, "my turn. How can horses talk?"

"We're ponies," the horse replied with a touch of hostility, "and all ponies can talk, just like the Griffons, Minotuars, and Deer people. Now, how can you talk without a mouth?"

Bishop stood there for a couple seconds as he stared at the... pony. Griffons? Minotuars? Deer people? Where the hell did he end up at? The pony's question then popped up in his head and he said the first thing that came to mind.

"Cause fuck you, that's how."

The pony sat there, shocked. it's mouth opened and closed several times but no sound came out. It was likewise quiet all throughout the park, every one of the colorful equines too shocked to say anything.

"Who are you?" Bishop asked. The pony snapped from it's shock to reply.

"I'm Rainbow Dash, fastest flier in all of Equestria!" she said with a flare of her wings while striking a heroic pose. She then looked at Bishop with a smirk, "My turn. What was that thing you pointed at me when I came back down?"

"That was a gun, meant to fire small projectiles at a speed which they can drill holes in your head," he explained. Noticing the pony takin a step back with dilated eyes, he then asked, "Are you scared of me now?"

She shook her head roughly, more to clear it than as an answer, "No. That counts as a question, by the way."

"I know."

"What other..." gulp, "guns do you have?"

"Lots. M4, MP5, RPG, Dubstep Gun, Rubber Band Gun-"

"Wait. Dubstep... gun?" Rainbow asked slowly, seemingly surprised by that answer.

"Yeah, here. Hang on a sec," Bishop replied. Turning around, he opened his back door and dug into the back seat where all the cases were. Opening a case, he pulled out the black weapon and put it on his shoulder. Turning around, he was met with a white and electric blue pony in place of Rambo Danish or whoever.

Bishop stood with the boxy contraption on his shoulder. A large, confused smile plastered his helmeted face as the white pony with electric blue hair and purple shades looked at him in pure happiness. The ponies around them were all rolling their eyes or facepalming (hoofing? Who cares?). Even the cyan one, Ramen Dish looked annoyed by the white pony's behavior.

"What did you say that was?" it asked.

"My Dubstep Gun?" he replied, lifting the weapon slightly to point it out. The white pony suddenly glee'd like a little schoolgirl meeting her favorite boy band singer. Suddenly, Bishop found a pair of hooves on his chest and two purple shades close to his purple visor.

"Show me," it all but purred, a bit of drool coming out the side of it's mouth. Bishop couldn't help but feel amused, confused, and scared all at once. Not seeing anyway out of this, he just nodded. Satisfied, the white pony fell back down and stepped back, jumping from hoof to hoof in eager anticipation.

Looking around, Bishop spotted a potted plant sitting beside one of the park's trails. He spread his feet about shoulder width apart with his left leading his right to brace himself (bass actually has some good kick). He spun up the player inside before looking down at the white pony.

"You ready?"

The pony nodded so vigorously, Bishop thought it's head might pop off. Honestly, he wouldn't be surprised if it did. This place was so weird, afterall.

"Alright, here we go," he said as he pulled the trigger. The spin-up beat played for a second before a light show burst from the weapon. Everypony in the crowd suddenly began to dance to the bass issuing from the weapon as said bass destroyed the pot it was aimed at. Letting go of the trigger (leaving the ponies confused as to what just happened), Bishop looked down at the white pony to see it looking up at him with a smile that looked to split it's face.

After a couple seconds of it sitting in the same position, Bishop poked it with his foot. Unceremoniously, it fell over onto the grass, still frozen in the same sitting position. A sigh came from the crowd as a gray, high-class looking pony came from the crowd, bit onto the white one's neck scruff, and dragged it back into the crowd. At the same time, it was mumbling something about the white pony.

"Okay..." Rainbow Dish stated before looking around, "Huh?"

"Hmm?" Bishop asked as he tossed the techno WMD back into the back seat.

"Twilight is usually here by now. She's attracted to weird stuff like dust bunnies to the bottom of couches."

MEANWHILE...

"Hey Twilight! There's a bunch of ponies at he park and-"

"Shush Spike! I've almost figured it out!"

"Figured what out?" Spike asked, walking into the main room to see Twilight underneath a couch. Her purple wings poked out from either side.

"Why dust bunnies like the bottom of couches so much."

"Why?"

"Because it doesn't make sense!" she replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "It's not warm under here, just dark and smelly."

"Maybe that's why?" Spike offered. Twilight chuckled;

"Don't be ridiculous. Dust bunnies aren't alive, they don't care about the light and smell," a small pause, "Did you spit while talking Spike?"

"No? I haven't since two years ago."

"Oh, alright."

Unknown to Twilight, what she felt was the lone tear of a dust bunny named Sticks-To-Broom.

BACK TO OUR HERO!

"That was a weird side scene," Dash commented.

"Agreed," Bishop replied while smoking a cigarette. He then realized something, "Oh, shit. They're back to us!"

From The Top

"Doesn't matter I guess," Dish commented, "I'll take ya to there. Just follow me."

Bishop locked his door and kicked it shut, "Sure. Why the hell not."

As he began walking, he glanced back to make sure everything on the car was closed and locked. It was. He didn't need those ponies rummaging through his shit. Not today. Today he might just kill one of them.

Hands and New Species

"So... this is her house?"

"Yep."

"It's a tree. A literal tree-house."

"Yeah, and?"

"I'm beginning to wonder if Kenzie pulled a prank on me. Or it might have been Matt."

"Why would this be a prank?" Rainbow asked. The two were standing in front of the treehouse, with Bishop staring at it and Rainbow looking over at the Saint wit a questioning look. Passing ponies gave them a curious glance but continued on their way.

Bishop shrugged, "Payback most likely. Screw with the smart-computer words and now I'm in a land of talking pastel ponies that make houses out of trees that are still well alive."

"Well, Cloudsdale is a city made of clouds."

"Clouds?"

"Clouds."

"Clouds?"

"Yes, clouds. It's like your stupid or something."

"Last person to call me stupid was super-nut-punted off the top of a twenty story building," Bishop shrugged, "Just saying."

Rainbow looked at the Saint in silence, unsure of what to say. He was so... strange and confusing. In all honesty, he was a lot like-

"ME!" shouted a certain pink pony, her face coming down from the top of Rainbow's vision. Shaking her head, Rainbow looked at the pink pony to her hanging upside down in the hair.

"Pinkie, what are you doing?" Rainbow asked.

"Better yet, how?" Bishop added.

"Oops! I came out too early, didn't I? Guess I'll be going," she then shrunk and shrunk until she was nothing but a tuft a pink hair that then disappeared with a 'poof'.

"That was weird," Rainbow commented.

"She didn't even answer my question."

Rainbow face-hoofed. Pinkie shrunk into nothingness and he just worries about his question. He certainly was the strangest thing in Ponyville for him to not care about that.

ABOUT 25 METERS AWAY

"Bon-Bon! Do you see that?"

"Yes Lyra. You'd think we'd be used to Pinkie's antics by now."

"No, not her, Bon," Lyra replied as she gripped the side of her friends head with her hooves and forcibly moved them to the black bipedal.

"What am I looking for?"

"The hands, Bon, the hands!"

"Oh dear Celestia," Bon-Bon mumbled as she face-palmed.

"How'd you do that?" Lyra suddenly asked. Looking at her turquoise friend, she saw the unicorn looking at her.

"Do what?"

"You face-palmed but you have no palm. You have a hoof. It should be: 'face-hoofed'."

"What?" Bon asked dumbly.

"Never mind," she replied as she looked back the bipedal and sighed out a: "Hands."

Bon blinked once, twice, sat down, and slammed both of her forehooves into her face. Why was her friend and roommate so weird?!

TO OUR HERO!

"Come on, let's go inside. She's gonna be excited to meet you," Rainbow said in the echo of the resounding twin cracks of hooves meeting face.

Bishop shrugged and followed the Rainbow pegasus into the library. He looked around to see a purple lizard seeing talking to the bottomside of a couch. Said couch also sported a pair of purple wings and a two-tone purple tail.

Spike looked over at their entry and froze, his eyes widening.

"Tw-Tw-Tw-Twilight?"

"Yes Spike?"

"I think I know why everypony was at the park."

Shuffling was heard under the couch before the purple, horned head of what Bishop assumed to be Twilight stuck out from the couch to focus on him. Her eyes dilated as her mouth dropped open.

"New species?" she stammered. This couldn't be possible? She had studied every species on Equus. Every...Species. None remained undiscovered... to her. The general masses didn't know about some because Celestia wanted to keep them secret so that the other ponies and creatures could: "Enjoy the joy of discovery." But this was a new species. Exoskeleton, purple sensory organs; new species.

"Sup."

"New species, talking."

In a second (and a flash of purple) the couch was suddenly lodged in the ceiling and the purple alicorn was in front of Bishop with a look that reminded him of the white pony from the park. A scroll and quill hovered next to her.

"Tell me everything..."