Button Mash vs. the World

by Golden Vision

Rating: everyone
Tags: Romance, Adventure, Crossover, Comedy
Length: 3058

When Sweetie Belle drops by his doorstep for the first time in eight years, Button Mash decides that he wants to ask her out. But if he wants to win her hoof, he'll have to go through her evil ex-coltfriends. All seven of them.

Button Mash thought his life was simple. He went to school, played video games, and rocked out with his band in his garage. But everything changed when Sweetie Belle showed up on his doorstep for the first time in eight years.

She's changed. He's changed, too, and now he's ready to take the step that he wasn't ready to take all those years ago. If he wants to win her hoof, though, he'll have to go through her evil ex-exes—all seven of them.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-25 04:12:28 UTC

Chapter One

Not so long ago…

In the mysterious land…

Of Ponyville, Equestria...

...Button Mash was late for band practice.

“You’re late for practice.”

Button shrugged off his backpack, letting it hit the floor with a thud. “I’m not that late.”

“We were s’posed to start at four. It’s four-thirteen.”

“Babs, relax.” Button rolled his eyes. “I’m eighteen, not eight; what are you, my mom?”

Babs scowled from her place on the armchair. It was an old, flea-ridden thing, with more stuffing on the floor than actually inside the cushions. Her hooves were slung over the back, her legs propped up on the coffee table. “No, but maybe she shoulda been the one to get your sorry ass over—”

“Guys, guys! Cut it out!”

Applebloom crossed her hooves from behind her drum set. It wasn't a large room, but somehow, they'd managed to cram a twelve-piece Hayman set into the tiny living room's space. The sticks clacked irritably between her hooves as she gave them both the stink-eye. “I ain’t gonna put up with none of this crap now. Button, y’all better get your stuff ready to go. We’ve all been waitin’ on you.”

“On me?” Button protested. “Featherweight’s the one who looks like he’s just woken up from a nap!”

“Guys, whoa. I just had this weird dream where—” Featherweight yawned, the couch creaking beneath him as he adjusted his hooves.  He looked up at them, blinking. “Like, are we getting started?”

“As soon as eight-bit over here gets his strings out.”

Button stuck out his tongue at Babs. She rolled her eyes right back at him.

“Fine, fine,” he muttered. “Just gimme a second.”

“So which tracks we gun’ work on today?” Applebloom asked as Button turned back toward his bags. He rifled through the larger of the two, his bass’s case sitting right below his backpack. The wooden floor of Featherweight's apartment creaked beneath his hooves. He wondered how long it had been since his friend had promised to fix the place up.

Three years, maybe?

“I was thinkin’ we could do that Legend of Epona medley,” Babs was saying. “Y’know, the one that—”

“We can’t do that one.” Button unzipped his bass, doing a quick onceover to make sure that the strings were still intact. “Featherweight still hasn’t finished the last verse.”

His hooves jostled against the wrong pocket, and something went tumbling out. “Aw, crud.”

“Hey, man,” Featherweight said. “I, like, am just waiting for the right inspiration.”

Babs snorted. Likely unconsciously, her hoof had drifted across one of the hoofrests of her seat until it just barely brushed against the neck of her own six-string guitar. “Fine, then. Whatcha got in mind, then, mistah band leader?”

“Huh?” Button looked up at her, his JoyBoy 2k XL in his mouth. He spit it out to the side; it landed with a clunk on the floor. “Oh, I dunno. I guess we could practice RP-Scream.”

“RP—oh, for the love of crud.” Babs groaned. “You just wanna play that for the bass solo. I’ll tell ya, you—”

The doorbell rang. Four heads sprang up.

“That for any of you?” Applebloom asked. Babs shook her head. Featherweight blinked.

Button Mash felt a smile spread across his face. “That’d be for me!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Babs stood up as Button made his way for the door. “Whataya think you’re doin’, bringin’ in somepony durin’ one of our practices? This ain’t some kinda peanut gallery.”

Button stopped midstep. He straighted up, turned around, and looked Babs dead in the eye. “For your information, Babs Seed, the pony outside of this door just so happens to be my new girlfriend.”

“Girlfriend?” Babs’ jaw dropped.

“She hot?” Featherweight asked.

“She overheats easily enough in warm weather, but since it’s fall, I don’t really think—”

“Just open the damn door, will ya?” Babs groaned, flopping back onto hair chair. Her guitar thudded against her stomach. “We ain’t got all day, and if you’re gonna be bringin’ random hussies home while we’re practicin’, who’m I to stop ya?”

“Thanks!” Button said brightly. He bounded over to the door and flung it open.

“Mail’s here!”

Button’s mouth had barely gotten the opportunity to fall open before he had it shoved with a pile of letters.

“Mail, mail, mail,” the pegasus outside the door sang. Her nametag read, in sloppy mouthwriting, Derpy Hooves. A saddlebag slung over her shoulder was clearly stuffed full with letters and stamps. “Now, I’ll just need you to sign here, and I’ll be able to give you your package!”

Button took the pen she offered and signed the delivery slip with a blank look on his face. As he signed the finishing flourish on his name, he found the slip ripped away from his hooves and a sudden weight thrown right against his face.

“Come again!” Derpy said cheerily. Button groaned. The package sitting beside him had left his face throbbing and his ears ringing.

He spat the letters out to the side. “Oh, Celestia," he muttered, touching his face and wincing at the purplish spot already forming there. "That’s gonna leave a bruise.”

Babs snickered. “Girlfriend, huh?”

“Shut up.”

“Button!”

He shook his head. That voice sounded oddly familiar…

“Button! Hi!”

His eyes flew open, and a stupid grin spread over his face. “Twist!”

“Button!” She leapt forward, red curls bouncing on her shoulders, and hooves outstretched. He let out a surprised “oof” as she tackled him to the ground.

“Hey!” he yelped. He managed to get back to his hooves. “So you found us!”

“Yeth!” she said. She frowned. “ I mean, yes! You were right! The address was 462 Cloud Lane!”

“Do I ever lead you wrong?” He pushed her off of his chest, chuckling.

Twist seemed to consider that for a moment. “Nope!”

“Hey, there.”

Button glanced over to the other side of the doorway. “Oh, Twist—this is Applebloom. She’s the drummer.”

“Howdy.”

Twist’s eyes widened. “I remember you. You were one of thothe Cruthaders when we were foals, right?”

Applebloom grinned. “Yeah, actually. Pardon, but would you excuse me ‘n Button for a second?”

“Bloom, what are you doing?” Button muttered as she pushed him away, leaving a happily nodding Twist behind them.

“Just askin’ a question, is all,” she grunted. “She’s not gonna geek out on us, is she?”

“Well, no.”

“Cuz I want her to geek out. Like, completely flip on how ‘awesome’ we are.” Applebloom’s eyebrows were furrowed, and she was biting her lip. “You think she’ll do that?”

“Oh, yeah! Definitely!” Button nodded quickly. “She can flip. She definitely has the capacity to flip.”

“Great,” Applebloom said. “That’s just sweeter than a candy-corn salad.”

“Wha—”

“Secondly.” She held up a hoof and raised an eyebrow. “What’s with the lisp?”

Button chuckled nervously. “Oh, you noticed that? It’s nothing, really—it just comes out when she gets excited. She’s been working on it, though.”

“But she is excited.”

“Yup!”

Applebloom pounded him on the back. “Then good on ya, partner. Let’s get goin’.”

She pushed him back toward Twist. He let out a strangled yelp, hooves wobbling as he struggled to maintain his balance.

“Agh—hey!”

Button rubbed his head, muttering. He glanced up, and Twist's toothy grin beamed back down at him.

“Hi!”

“So,” Button coughed, pushing himself up and dusting himself off. “You’ve already met Applebloom.”

Applebloom waved.

Button’s hoof drifted over toward the couch. “That pony over there’s Babs. She does guitar and singing and stuff.”

Babs blew a strand of hair away from her face. “Yo.”

“And that’s Featherweight. You can go have a seat next to him.”

Before he’d even finished his sentence, Twist had vanished. She plopped down on the couch and offered Featherweight a hoof. “Hi! I’m Twist! What do you play?”

Featherweight’s wings fluttered. “Uh...mainly Ponymon. I like Legend of Epona, too, and Hoof-Man is always pretty cool.” His jaw hung open, eyes glazed over. “It’s such a big question, y’know?”

Twist blinked.

“Alright, then, ya freaks.” Babs hopped back up from the couch, slinging the guitar strap over her shoulder. She threw Button a look. “RP-Scream?”

He grinned. “Sounds good. You wanna start, or—”

Applebloom beat him to it.

“We're Blue-Shell Game, and we’re here to loot and steal and get XP and stuff!”

Click! Click! Click!

Dun-dun-un-un, da-dun, dun-dun-da-un, da-dun.

“Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.”

Dun-dun-un-un, da-dun, dun-dun-da-un, da-dun.

“Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!”

CANTERLOT STUDIOS PRESENTS

I’m losin’ my grip, now

Got all of my dip, now

Raisin’ my sword,

Stealin’ that hoard.

Levelin’ up, it’s ten gallons a truck,

But if you’ll insist, ma’am, I’ll find your lost duck.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

IN PARTNERSHIP WITH LOST TIMBERWOLF

Ice spells, fire spells, gatherin’ mana

Cuz there ain’t no-one there, nopony who can-a

FILLYHOUSE STUDIOS

Got my plus-one sword and I’ll defeat all your plots

Take out the dragons, the orcs and the glots

AND EQUESTRIA DAILY

Cuz this is RPG-Scream!

I’m runnin’ out with my team!

We got our mage, fighter, rogue and d’you hear that we’re mean!

I’ll open up that portal to the World of Skrallax

Cuz all these NPCs, they ain’t no nothin’ but hacks!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

BUTTON MASH

VS.

THE WORLD

Ba-da-dum.

Chapter Two

Twist watched the group with wide eyes. Musical notes flashed around her head, dancing through her skull and rattling her brain as her jaw slowly fell open. Beside her, Featherweight snacked on a box of potato chips.

With a window-shaking crash, the band hit the final note. Babs was breathing heavily, her bangs covering her face. Sweat poured down Applebloom’s face, and she lifted a drumstick to wipe it away. Button took a deep breath before looking up expectantly, his face glowing.

"So?" he asked, grinning. "What'd you think?"

Twist's mouth worked, but no sound came out. Finally,

"That...was awesome," she whispered.

Her eyes rolled up into her head and she fainted.

"Hah! I win again!"

Twist pouted. "Aw—no fair! You're always better at these fighting games than me!"

Hah!" Button narrowed his eyes, grinning at the screen. "I was born to play these games!"

All around them, the lights and sounds of the Ponyville Arcade flashed in the dim light. On the other side of the room, two colts were playing—and failing—Beat Beat Revelation on Expert mode, and two stalls down, a filly and her sister were arguing over the best way to kill zombies in Discord’s Uprising: III.

Twist giggled, her red curls bouncing over her shoulders. Button’s eyes were still fixed on the screen, so he missed the small pegasus colt trotting up behind them. "You sure seem like it."

"Hey,” the colt coughed behind them. “Can I pla—"

“Hey!” Button whirled around, scowling. “Can't you see that we're playing video games here? This is serious business! An arcade is no place for kids!"

“But—”

“Shoo!” Button said. “Go—I dunno, eat a pacifier or something!”

The colt stared at them, stuck out his tongue, and then stomped on Button’s hoof. Hard.

“Filthy...casual…” Button whimpered as the colt blew him a raspberry. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes.

"But," Twist mumbled, watching the colt skulking away as Button leapt up and down, struggling not to cry. "Aren't video games meant for little foals?"

"Hah!" Button said between gasps of pain. "I don't...have any idea...where you could've gotten that idea."

He took a deep breath, waiting for the throbbing to settle down, before giving her a little nudge. "Got any more quarters?"

Continue? the screen asked in big, bold letters. Atop the word lay a countdown and the picture of a laughing skull. The countdown was already down to nine seconds.

Twist's eyes widened. "Oh! One second!" She dove beneath the machine, letting the jangling of coins ring through the arcade as she rifled through her bag of change.

Eight. Seven.

"Come on, come on!" Button said. He pounded his hooves on the top of the display. "We don't have much time!"

Six. Five Four.

"Almost there!" Twist grunted. One silvery circle toppled from her bag and went rolling on the floor. "Dangit!"

Three. Two. O—

"Got it!"

The coin fell into the slot with a thunderous ka-chink. Instantly, the screen blazed back to life, a character select screen appearing above the controls.

"Woohoo!" Button cheered. "You ready to lose?"

"Bring it on!" she sneered. Her character select button hovered over one icon in particular. "I think I'll be the ninja this round."

"I shot the magician! He's all mine!"

Three…

Two…

One…

FIGHT!

"Order up!"

"Oh, boy!" Twist licked her lips as she looked over the two milkshakes sitting on the counter. Her stomach rumbled, and she could feel her sweet tooth calling out to her. She slowly reached out…

"Milkshake race!"

She blinked as the other milkshake vanished in a blur of light. "Wha—"

"One, two, three, go!"

She stared as Button thrust his head toward the straw. Her jaw dropped as he slurped madly, making sure to get every last drop of vanilla-y goodness into his throat. Across the counter, Pumpkin Cake—who had the afternoon shift at Sugarcube Corner on weekends—glared at him.

When Button was done, there was, somehow, a big white moustache over his mouth. "Ah," he sighed, patting his stomach. "That really hit the spot."

"Wow," Twist said, wide-eyed. "How did you do that?"

He winked at her. "Years of practice, Twist. Maybe someday, you, too will have mastered the Way of the Milkshake as I ha—."

He twitched.

"Brain freeze?" Twist asked innocently.

"Ack—no," he coughed, offering her a weak grin. "So, are you gonna have yours or what?"

"Same time on Friday?"

Button stopped midway down the steps toward the curb from Twist's house, which was shaped like a giant, upside-down lollipop, with plastic mints and candies decorating the front lawn. He turned back to glance over his shoulder. "Sure!” he said. “I'll come 'round then. We can go to the movies!"

Twist gasped from her place at the door, her hooves flying to her mouth. "Isn't Friday when the new Harmony Rangers movie comes out?"

Button pretended to think on that for a moment before shooting her a wide grin. "Yup!"

“I can’t wait!”

Button waved as he turned to go. "I'll see you then!" he hollered, trotting down the sidewalk.

As he faded into the distance, Twists slowly slid down the doorframe, her eyes drifting lazily beneath her thick, horn-rimmed glasses.

“He’s so...dreamy…”

"I'm home!" Button announced. The door slammed behind him.

"Good to see you, sweetie,” droned a low-pitched, noticeably male voice from the next room. “Did you pick up the milk and eggs I asked for?"

Button nearly jumped at the voice. "Ack! Pipsqueak! Who let you in here?"

Pip glanced over the top of the couch, toward the front door. He was lounging on the cushions, this week's magazine of Canterlot Models held loosely in his hooves. "Your mother," he said crisply, his accent drawling out through the air. "She was quite happy to supply me with some of her baking when I told her how I hadn't eaten since breakfast."

"But—agh!" Button's jaw dropped. "Those cookies were for me!"

"Really?" Pipsqueak murmured, inspecting a hoof. "Shame. I'll have to ask her for more when she gets back. She's quite the lovely mare, your mother."

Button smacked his forehead. "Okay, we are so not getting into this again."

"Are we?"

"No!" He took a deep breath and counted to five, doing his best to avoid tackling Pip right then and there. Slowly and deliberately, he slipped the jacket off of his back and onto the hat rack. "Celestia; is it too much to ask for a little peace and quiet around my own house?"

"Speaking of peace and quiet," Pipsqueak said, flipping a page in his magazine, "how was your playdate?"

"Playdate?" Button chuckled, shaking his head. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"With your friend. Twist, right?"

Button scowled. "You mean my girlfriend? The one I'm currently dating?

Pipsqueak snorted. "Please. Button, really—have you even gotten to first base with her yet? Kissed her? She let you touch her Cutie Mark yet?"

"We've...held hooves a few times," Button muttered.

Pipsqueak sighed. He swung his back hooves off of the couch and onto the floor. "Button," he said seriously. "I'm your best friend—"

"So you keep telling me," Button muttered.

"—and so it's my responsibility to tell you when I think you're making a mistake." Pipsqueak shook his head, tutting quietly. "Really, now. Twist is a sweet filly, but she wouldn't know the first thing about dating. Neither would you, come to think of it."

He raised an eyebrow, frowning. "I do hope you're not taking advantage of her. Tell me you're not using her for...you know."

Button blinked. "What?"

"Oh, you know."

"Know what?"

Pipsqueak stared at him. "...You really don't know, do you?" he asked. "You actually don't know."

"Nuh-uh!" Button yelped, jerking his head back and forth. "I totally know!"

"Know what?"

He swallowed. "Uh..."

Pipsqueak gave a long, suffering sigh. "Using her for you-know-what," he drawled, rolling his eyes. "That."

It took a moment for realization to dawn on Button's eyes. His jaw fell open. "What? No!" His cheeks turned a sickly shade of pink, and he shook his hooves rapidly in the air. "I'd never do that to her!"

"Good." Pipsqueak turned back to his magazine. "Quite good. Especially when there are much better options—older, actually attractive mares, for one thing." He turned a page, his eyebrows rising up at what was presumably a very interesting article. "Like your mother, perhaps."

"Can you just stop, for like, five seco—"

"Nope."

Button groaned.

The doorbell rang.

Pipsqueak instantly perked up. "Oh? Maybe that's her. Back from shopping, perhaps?"

Button shook his head, frowning. "Nah. She'd just use her key. It must be somepony else."

"Then don't just hang about standing there, mate,” Pipsqueak said, frowning. “Go take a look!"

Button trotted over and undid the lock. “I bet it’s just the mailmare again or something,” he muttered, the doorknob turning beneath his hoof. “Probably forgot a package agai—”

“Hi!”

He froze.

For the first time in eight years, a white, heart-shaped face surrounded by purple-pink curls beamed back at him.

Button licked his lips. “Um—”

Sweetie Belle offered a little wave. “How’ve you been?”

Button fainted.