Why was I so lucky? Because magic

by Artyom the Brony

Rating: teen
Tags: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Sex, Human, Main 6
Length: 14064

Follow Etrius, an unfortunate soldier, as he continues an awkward life in Equestria!

After going through a half-destroyed military grade teleporter, Etrius is sent to Equestria. There he has discovered an... interesting ability, that he does not like having. After repairing his trusty gas mask, he narrowly avoided a sudden and forceful removal of his virginity. Now he has one filter left, that will last three days before it all starts again.

While at the same time, in a very different place, two co-workers try to figure out what has possessed their not-so innocent TV show.

This contains suggestive material, very suggestive situations, conversations... it's got the sex tag for a reason.

That's right, this is a sequel, that means read the story that came before this. This story! Right here! Read it. Seriously, you're missing out. It is possible to understand this story without reading it, but I very. Highly. Recommend, that you read it first.

Published 2013-09-18 22:20:04 UTC
Last updated 2018-04-18 18:00:26 UTC

Picking up where it left off.

“So what was their reaction Artyom?” My friend, Griffin, asked

“Pretty neutral to be honest, but out of the ones who did vote, ninety something percent gave a thumbs up,” I answered.

“That’s good. So do you think Adult Swim will clear it?”

“Maybe, hard to tell this early on, but who knows?” I answered, looking at the clock. “Alllrighty then I’m going home. I’m going to call you in ten minutes, if you haven’t left yet I’m going to drive back here and drag you out of the office. Got it?” I asked.

“Yeah yeah,” He said, turning back to his computer. I smiled and walked towards the exit.
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“IS THIS SERIOUSLY HOW IT ENDS!?” I shouted.

“Quiet down Etrius! Go to bed!” Twilight shouted from upstairs.

“But… this…how…why?” I walked into the room Twilight had shown me. I flopped down on the bed.

“Nope,” I said, before passing out from a brain overload.

I awoke from my slumber to a rather pleasant sight. No ponies trying to have their way with me, no chains, no whips, no excitement… wait isn’t that a song? Whatever, where did that even come from? Not the time, I smell pancakes.

I got up from the bed and opened the door. Funny, I don’t remember closing it. The room was packed full of ponies. DON’T CARE! I have a fixed gas mask, and I’m going to enjoy it. Wait… how in the hell did I smell pancakes through this then?

I… need to ask Twilight about that. For now though. I slowly backed up, and started to very slowly close the door.

“Wait!” I heard Twilight call

“Yes Twilight?” I stopped closing the door.

“They’re all here because they want to apologize. Won’t you give them a chance?” She asked.

“Uhm… can I say no? Because I feel very uncomfortable?”

“We could do it one at a time… please Etrius! They just want to say sorry!” She pleaded.

“Fine. But for future reference, this is not how you say sorry. This makes you all really creepy,” I said, walking out.

So one by one, each and every mare, and a stallion, came up to me and apologized. I forgave them all and blamed it on science. Just like… uhh… no one liner today, sorry folks.

When the last one left, she closed the door behind her, flashing me a guilty smile on the way out. Twilight trotted over, gave me a smile and wrapped me in a hug. I hesitantly returned it, but she released me quickly. It was a good friend kind of hug. Not too long not too short, just right.

“Thank you for forgiving us all like this. I can think of a lot of ponies who would try and use their guilt against them, or not forgive, or any number of things really,”

“I would normally be surprised that a land of colorful talking ponies isn’t a utopia, but the whole thing I just went through has told me that is very false,”

“We said we were sorry,” She said.

“Not the point. It happened and it’s a thing. Hell, it could still happen should I take this gas mask off, or the filter runs out, or… damnit,”

“What?”

“The filter could run out. I remember these last for three days, because I have nice things, and it’s been a long time since I replaced it,” I said, searching for any others.

I rummaged around in different pockets until I finally found one. One.

“Ok Twilight, we have three days to start mass producing… or at least producing more filters,”

“Well that’s not too much of a problem. What’s it made of?”

“Good question… ugh, the one thing I got wrong on the test… whatever, We can just study the used filter and what not. Three days is plenty of time right?”

“It should be. Give it here,” She said.

I unscrewed the filter and handed it to her. She used her magic to start to dismantle it, and set everything in different piles. I really should have studied more for that test. She went downstairs and came back up a minute later. She was also carrying a microscope. It looked so cute being held by her. I snickered.

“What?” She asked, setting it down on the table.

“I’m never going to be able to take this seriously. A cute little purple unicorn with a teeny tiny microscope spewing out physics and element names… it’s like a school propaganda poster in real life,”

She gave me a flat stare.

“What? I figured you wanted an honest answer!”

“You know I could just leave you with a three days head start, then run around in a fake panic and say how you hurt yourself. We’ll arrange a search party and then we’ll find you, out of filters, and breathing our air, alone, without me to help you escape,”

My eyes went wide as she continued to explain this to me.

“That right there, is the most diabolical, cruel, and unusual form of punishment I can think of. Seriously, how… just… how could you bring yourself to do that to an innocent man?”

“You’re not so innocent,” She said, levitating a small… thing onto the stage. “And besides, I would never do that to a friend,”

“Yeah ye-”

I was cut off as the door slammed open, a rainbow blur flying through and hitting a wall. I shook my head and closed the door. Wait… rainbow blur means Rainbow Dash… oh crap she probably broke something from that impact.

I ran over to her side and looked her over.

“You alright Rainbow Dash?” I asked.

“Mhm?” She mumbled, lifting up her head a bit. Her eyes opened and met mine with a lustful gaze… wait.. did I screw that other filter in?

“I am now that you’re here,” She said, immediately jumping onto me and making out with the gas mask.

“Hey Twilight, could you hand me the filter?” I asked, holding out my hand. I felt something circular drop into it. I pushed Dash’s head away, earning a playful growl from her. I ignored it and screwed on the filter. I really didn’t want her slobber all over my nice, clean gas mask though, so I didn’t let her get back to it.

I pushed her off me, barley, and managed to make my way to the couch. I flopped down, and Rainbow Dash hopped up next to me. She got up in my lap and circled it a few timed. It was like a little kitty! She sat down, and wrapped me in a tight hug. She ran her, admittedly soft hooves all along my back, and rubbed her face on my chest. She also started to grind a certain part of hers against a certain part of mine. I sighed and just let it happen.

“Hey Twilight when does this wear off?” I asked

“An hour or so,” She said, looking through the eyepiece.

“I’m never going to stop loving you, so you better get used to this,” Dash said.

“Nope, this is science, showing me what happens when you screw around in chem,”

“Chem?” Twilight asked

“Chemisty, chem. For short,”

“You studied chemistry?” She asked, looking bewildered.

“Yeah, along with the rest of my country,”

“But… that’s so advanced!” She practically shouted.

“It was hard sure, I got a C in that class, but it’s nothing impossibly hard. It makes sense though,”

“What, chemistry?” She asked.

“No, from what I’ve seen, this world has a lesser understanding of science and technology than mine, so you need less general knowledge and education to function normally in the world. Well… actually we don’t need much either and a lot of school is just busy work but that’s not the point,” I explained.

“I suppose so. Why would you need this mask anyways? I doubt it was for the same reason on your planet,”

“It wasn’t. It was for… uhh… how do I put this nicely. Airborne toxins,”

“Oh. So, for hazardous environments?”

“Very much so. I’m sure you of all people know that some chemicals do not mix well with the hum-pony body,”

“Oh yes. Lots of nasty things out there,”

We continued the conversation for a while, talking about whatever came up, more or less completely ignoring Rainbow Dash, despite her attempts to get me aroused or warrant her attention. She looked pretty frustrated actually, it was so cute! Her cheeks all red. I sighed, content. Ugh, no, no I wasn't, this is awkward.

I lifted her off me and set her down as far away on the couch as I possibly could. She quickly tried to pounce back to her original spot, but I caught her in mid air. She flapped her wings a few times, but that didn’t do anything. She started to flap harder and faster.

“Houston, we have liftoff!” I shouted to no one in particular.

“What?” Twilight asked

“It’s a phrase, I’ll tell you OH GOD DEPLOY THE CHUTE!” I shouted as Dash slapped my hands away. I fell about a foot before she caught me again. I glared at her, not like she could see though, what with the amber lenses and all.

“I saved your life, you owe me a kiss,” She said.

“Ok,” I said, leaning in without taking off my mask.

“No silly! A real kiss! Without that stupid mask!”

“Oh… well then no,” I said

“Too late! You agreed!” She shouted with glee, bringing a hoof up to my mask and leaning in.

I sighed and calmly rolled out of her hold. I flopped onto the couch, and laid there for a moment, too lazy to do anything else. I don’t know how I remained a soldier without breaking my lazy habits. I felt Dash drop on top of me.

“Fine, no kiss? Then I’ll just sleep here until you change your mind,” She said, sounding smug. She flopped down, and wrapped me up with her wings and hooves. Eh, why not? I could use a nap with a living, breathing, very fuzzy pony. And ONLY! A NAP!
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“Yo Griffin! You still at work?” I asked.

“Uh huh… come on over man. You’re not gonna believe this,” He said, then hung up.

I looked at my phone, reading the ‘call ended,’ text on the screen. I frowned, that wasn’t like him. He would always chat my ear off about whatever while I drove over to haul him away. I put the phone in my pocket and walked to my car.

I got in and started the drive to the office, a number of questions playing over and over in my head.

Author's Note

kamachakta please don't hurt that baby seal. I know it isn't very much but it's proof that I'm making a seqeul! Right... please? In other news THAT'S RIGTH I MADE A SEQUEL! So... read the original story, and enjoy it. Or don't, I don't care! (but I should. Not the point) Then read this, and it will make a small amount of sense. Not too much though, so don't get your hopes up.

Not the parade!

I was staring at the screen along with Griffin, in the same shocked state that he was. Here we were, watching out show animate itself. It was like the show had deemed us unworthy, and was now going along with what it thought was best. We created this thing! Now it’s… doing something.

Etrius was having a conversation with Twilight that we had never written, going through animation that was far too detailed and realistic to be animation… what the hell was happening?

“Artyom?” Griffin asked

“Yeah…” I responded.

“I think… we need to call someone,” he said

“Agreed,” I answered.

But neither one of us moved, too focused on what was happening in front of us.
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“Waaaake uuuuup! I’m sooo boooored!” Dash complained.

I continued to make horribly unbelievable fake snoring noises.

“Honk… shoooooo… Honk… shoooooo,” I repeated over, and over, and over again.

I had been doing this for the past ten minutes, and it was somehow entertaining to see what Rainbow Dash would try and do next. For the next twenty minutes or so while she was madly in love with me, I decided it would be funny to mess around with her.

“Please?” She asked.

Eh, it’s getting kind of old anyways.

“Honk… oh wait what where am I?” I said, getting up from the couch and looking around.

“FINALLY! You’re so annoying sometimes… but I love you anyways,” Dash said, crawling under me to get maximum bodily contact.

I sat up, dragging her rather light form with me. Twilight was still looking over the things in the microscope, and she had a clock right next to her. When did that get there?

“Hey Twilight what’s with the clock?” I asked.

“Hm? Oh, you actually fell asleep at some point, so I got this. Dash will snap out of it in a minute… exactllllllly now,”

“Oh… cool,”

“So… you wanna make out?” Dash asked, flopping onto my lap.

“In one minute and one seconds we can make sweet sweet,” I paused, swallowed the vomit in my mouth, and continued. “Love… blehuhugh,”

“I’M COUNTING!” Dash shouted, flying over to the clock and staring at it like a cat to it’s human slave when it’s hungry. Seriously, you can’t deny that logic! When a cat is hungry, it comes over to you, yowls, and you do as it commands. Who’s the real pet?

“Thirty seconds…” Dash said with excitement. She started hopping up and down, swishing her tail so I could AVERT YOUR EYES! OH GOD NO!

I spun around and slammed my face into the couch, trying to get that scarring image out of my head. Oh memory, I’m so sorry, please forgive me. Eyes, my bad, ohhh Odin whyyy? Why was I so unfortunate? Wait… they’re all naked… every single one… dear sweet Odin please send me home. I would love to be the only clothed man in a women only nudist colony, but not mares. Just nope.

“Wait… I feel… normal?” Dash said

“Oh… heh… sorry about that Etrius,” Dash said, looking at the floor.

“Don’t worry about. My fault anyways. So! Why’d you come here?” I asked.

“Oh, well I came here to tell Twilight the Princess was coming here in an hour,”

“But you came here an hour ago,” I pointed out.

The room went deathly silent. We both looked to Twilight, who was staring off into space, her hair slowly popping and twisting into the most unruly looking thing ever. I don’t even know how it did that. Her eye started to twitch, and her knees started to shake.

“We should probably go,” Dash advised.

“Agreed,”

We both silently started to walk towards the door. Dash opened it, and I slipped on out. We quietly closed the door and walked away from the library.

“RAAAAIIIINBOW DAAAAAASH!” Twilight shouted.

“NOPE!” Dash shouted, flying off into the sky as a streak of multicolored light.

I placed a hand on my forehead to shield my eyes from the sudden light as I watched her zoom off into the distance. She slammed into a group of clouds… somehow, and wiggled inside them. She them poked out two little eyeholes and I saw her looking around frantically. Is this place one giant practical joke? Well whatever, I’m gonna have some stories for the guys up in Valhalla.

Twilight burst out of the door and ran out into the street, drawing even more attention.

“RAINBOW DASH YOU GET BACK HERE!”

Yup, cartoon show.

“Twilight, chill, it was my fault not hers. Besides, we have like, until now to prepare. That’s plenty of time!” I said enthusiatstically.

“Plenty of time! WHAT DO YOU MEAN PLENTY OF princess…” She said, dropping to a whisper on the last word. I turned around rather calmly and looked into Celestia’s eyes.

“Yo what’s up?” I asked, jerking my head upwards.

She raised an eyebrow.

“A pleasure to meet you again Etrius. We have much to discuss,” She said, walking past me and into the treehouse.

I shrugged, and walked back in with Twilight. Two guards took points beside the door and, well… guarded. Celestia closed the door with her magic and took a seat. I did likewise while Twilight took the floor.

“Uhh, Twilight?” I asked, getting her to look up at me. “Wouldn’t you rather have an actual seat?” I asked. “ I mean, it’s your house,”

“Oh… yes,” She said quietly, walking over and taking a seat next to me on the couch.

“Etrius, I understand you only have three days before you start releasing your pheromones again,” Celestia said.

“I call nope. It’s not pheromones, it’s normal breathing. It’s not supposed to do that to people,”

“Regardless, Twilight sent me a letter containing all the information, and we have easy access to all those materials save one,” she said

“Uuuuuugh… why can’t anything be easy?”

“Hmph. I would not expect laziness in a soldier,”

“Hey! Being lazy is hard work,” I said sternly, lazily pointing a finger in her general direction.

“Anyways, we can’t replicate the carbon filter,”

“My parade… no… hurricane Celestia noooo,” I said, slumping over.

Celestia raised an eyebrow and looked to Twilight.

“Ask him, he says weird things,” Twilight said, waving a hoof at me.

“I see. But unless you know exactly how to make them, then we will have to find an alternative solution to this problem,”

“Yeah… yeah I’m thinking about how world war one guys made gas masks. Eh, I have three days to think about it. I’m sure I’ll remember by then,”

“This is not the kind of thing to procrastinate,” Celestia said.

“Yeah? Well that’s exactly what my C.O. said when I was supposed to count the number of toothbrushes in the camp…”

“And? Twilight said “What happens next?”

“Nothing. I’m still trying to figure out why he said that,”

“Alright? So any ideas Etrius?”

“One… I said it recently. It will be crude… probably not work… and if it does it will be a pain in the neck to use properly and I have no idea how long the ‘filter’ would actually last,”

---------------------------------------------------------------------click----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We should probably call someone,” Griffin said

“Yeah one second,” I replied. This was the fifth time we had gone through this routine. I should probably do something about that now.

Author's Note

So yeah, I'm looking over this and feeling bad that it's so short. I will do better next time!

God complex

I was at the phone when Griffin spoke up.

“Wait… should we call someone?” He asked

“What do you mean?” I countered

“Well… if we called them and said everything truthfully, then the would think we were insane. Then they find out it’s real and the government does some crazy junk, and who would we even call! I MEAN! WHAT ARE WE-”

I placed a hand over his mouth and waited for him to realize he wasn’t making any noise.

“Chill. So what do you suggest we do?”

“Uhhh… I dunno… One of us can watch while the other messes around with stuff. Like, is this still our show but possessed or whatever,”

“I call messing around with stuff,”

“But… watching is lazy,”

“I know. Now sit down and pay extra attention to… stuff… I dunno. Watch,” I said, walking around to our computer set up. Everything was running, but it was like a machine with no hint of writers block was animating the show.

“Well then. Let’s see what it’s like to be god… or not… this could not work at all… I WANNA BE GOD!”

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“This is your idea?” Twilight asked

“Well… y’know… yeah. What? Can’t a guy have some stupid every now and then?”

“Once again, this is not something to take lightly,” Celestia advised

“Well then how about you go over there and go-I shall withhold my comment,” I said, changing gears mid sentence.

“Wise decision. Well, try it out then,”

“Wait… you mean like… field test?” I asked, looking over to Celestia.

“Mhmm,”

“But… you… are here… and if this doesn’t work… then,”

“Bad things will happen. Just try it. Get the stupid out of your system,”

“OKAY!” I said, imitating Tucker as best as I could. I took a deep breath, and exhaled. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale…

“Ahem,” Celestia coughed.

Inhale, and here we go! I quickly loosened all the straps on the mask, and took it off. I wanted so badly to exhale in relief because I finally wasn’t stuffed up in there. Fresh air on my face! But… yeah, think of the consequences buddy. Don’t go all selfish on yourself. I grabbed the makeshift mask off the table and placed it over my mouth and nose, pulling tight on the elastic strap. I exhaled, and inhaled, and looked over to Celestia, who was giving me a sultry stare.

“Oh god…” I said meekly.

She slowly walked towards me and stared right into my fear stricken eyes. Then she started to snicker, which turned to giggling and then full blown laughter. Then I caught on with what she was doing, which was not funny in the slightest.

“Oh ha ha Celestia. This is so funny I forgot to laugh. You must be the life of the party wherever you go, I’m sure people wait all day to hear your next joke, you are quite possibly the most funny being in existence,” I said in the most monotone monotone that ever monotoned.

“I probably am. Thank you for the compliment. But yes, this does work as a temporary solution,” She said with an all to smug smile.

“Yeah… so… need anything else Princess? Or can I go back to adjusting to my new life?” I asked

“That is all for now. But I do want you to try and find out how to make more filters for your mask. I can see this failing rather quickly,” Celestia smiled, before leaving the Library and… doing something. I dunno, the door closed behind her! What do you want from me?

“So what do you want to do now?” Twilight asked me

“Uh… I never really got a feel for this town. I got small glimpses running around but… yeah. Would you mind giving me a tour?”

“That’s a really good idea actually! I can interview you on the walk! I’ll go pack up the necessary things,” She said excitedly, trotting through a door.

What does one need to pack for a walk around town?

pop

“The hell?” I asked myself. There was a small pop noise, but it didn’t sound like magic, or anything else actually. It was unnatural. I shrugged, but felt a small weight in my hand. I looked down and saw a brand new filter. I looked around quickly, scanning the room for anything out of the ordinary.

I slipped the filter into a pocket as Twilight came back into the room. I shall investigate this further at a later date. Or later today… whenever I have time to kill I suppose.

“Ready to go?” She asked, having a saddle bag filled to the brim with papers and writing materials.

“Yeah… yeah,” I said, still looking around.

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“Did it work?” I asked

“Yeah! A brand new filter just appeared in Etrius’ hand. And, he reacted just like his character would,” Griffin informed me.

“Awesome! So we can intervene with console commands and what not,”

“Did we just become gods of this world?” Griffin asked me

“Probably!” I shouted back, a mischievous grin forming on my face.

Author's Note

EEEEY I'm not dead! it just took me multiple months to get my lazy ass to write another chapter... I'm sorry please don't hate me...

On another note though, I have a better idea of where I'm going with this so I shall be updating more frequently.

What could happen?

“Okay! I’m all set!” Twilight called

I lifted my face up from the couch and looked around. I wasn’t even aware that I had fallen asleep. Oh well. I felt my face, which was bare, and decided that the rubber mask was probably the better option here. I looked around, making sure that Twilight wasn’t near me, or any other ponies, and took off the makeshift filter. Faster than a bullet I slipped on the mask and tightened the straps.

I took a few experimental breaths, and looked around. Good! Clean swap. Twilight walked down the stairs and smiled at me.

“Heya Twilight! So where to first?”

“Well, we’re very near to the market, so I thought that might interest you. If it doesn’t though then you can just tell me and we’ll go find somewhere else because I have so much else planned for you and me to do together-”

“Twilight? The market is fine. I have to eat sometime,”

“Oh… right. Uh, follow me!” She half shouted, trotting out the front door. I followed her. Feeling the pocket with the mysterious filter. But… wait… there wasn’t a bump there. There wasn’t a filter. What the hell! Actually, no, we established that I was insane a while ago. I was just hallucinating.

I shook my head and followed Twilight out the door.

“So, this is the Library as you know, and it’s almost at the center of town,” Twilight said, gesturing to her place of residence.

I nodded with a smile. She waved me over and started walking down the road. I followed, greeting different ponies as we walked. Most of them were over the fact they had almost raped me, and I suppose to an extent it’s my fault, but there were only a few that blushed and looked away when we passed them.

The market was about what I expected. Vendors scattered around, lots of hustle and bussel. It was a strange kind of nice. I bought some pears from a nice mare, much to the dismay of Applebloom. Not much to talk about concerning the market, it was fun, got some stuff to eat, end of line. We left the market to go to the local bakery.

“This is Sugar Cube Corner,” Twilight said with a smile, pointing to a gingerbread house. I shit you not, a gingerbread house. But it was life sized… and… it was real… and I don’t think it’s edible. Whoever made this was a genius or a retard.

“HIYA ETTIE!” HO MAH THOR WHAT NAOP! I screamed, dolphin diving to get away from the disembodied bubbly voice.

“What are ya doing down there?” Asked the same voice

I looked up, and then around, and saw Pinkie Pie… sweet black baby Odin she is scary!

“Hi… Pinkie… how are things?” I forced out

“GREAT! Well… even though we all wanted to go to funky town with you yesterday I think you’re a good pony and you’ve forgiven us which means we’re friends! RIIIIIIGHT?”

I just stared at her. Funky town? That’s a new one. Anyways.

“Yeah… we’re friends… platonically and nothing more please,”

“Okie doki loki! Which reminds me have you ever been to Funky town?”

“No,” I deadpanned, getting up.

“You should sometime. It’s so… FUNKY there!” She gave me a grin wider than her face, and hopped into the ginger bread house. Seriously, the grin, stretched off of her face. I’m scared.

“Twilight?”

“That’s just Pinkie, you’ll get used to her,” Twilight said with a smile “Want to go inside and get something?”

“NO! I mean, no, no I’m fine thank you,”

“Okay? We’re going to the Carousel Boutique next. Follow me,”

I jogged over to her, and made sure to double time it way the hell away from that demonic place. I swear the address was six six six.

Twilight opened the door to the Carousel Boutique, which made a bell ring.

“One moment darling,” Came Rarity’s voice in a sing song way.

She walked through a door and saw us. She smiled and waved us over.

“Hello dears. What brings you two over?” She asked

“Oh nothing. I’m giving Etrius here a tour of the town,” Twilight said, sitting down while Rarity poured some tea, or coffee. I can’t tell! Damned gas mask. Can’t live with it, can’t live without it.

“Well that’s nice of you. So where have you been so far?” She poured three glasses. I’m not sure if it was habit, or if she was making a cruel joke.

“We’ve been to Sugar Cube Corner, the Library of Course, and we passed through the town square. All that’s left is the market and Sweet Apple Acres,”

“I’ve actually already been to Sweet Apple Acres. It was pretty nice there,” I said with a smile. That they can’t see. To hell with it it’s the thought that counts.

“Really?” Rarity asked

“Yeah. It was short lived, but yeah,”

“Well I would hate to keep you all, and I do have an order to finish. So if you wouldn’t mind?” She suggested politely.

“Of course. Let’s go Etrius. Thanks for the tea,” Twilight said, getting up and walking away. I followed, waving goodbye to Rarity.

“Well she’s nice,” I said, closing the door behind me.

Twilight smiled, it was kinda forced actually, and walked on. I followed her as happy as one can be given the current situation.
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“We’re done here,” I said proudly

“Are you sure we shouldn’t stay here? Make sure everything is alright?” Griffin asked

“NAH! What’s the worst that could happen in a few hours?”

“Famous last words,” He said, grabbing his coat and walking outside with me.

Author's Note

YAY CHRISTMAS PRESENTS! That kinda suck. Oh well. It's something. :)

Really? Just... really?

“So what did you think of the tour?” Twilight asked, closing the door behind me with magic.

“Oh you know. Fun. Awkward at first, but fun,” I replied

“Well that’s nice. Are you hungry? It’s been a while since you last ate,”

“You know what. Yes. Something to eat would be lovely,” I said with my unseen smile. I should trademark it.

“I’ll go make something then!” She said in a very cheerful voice.

I shrugged and sat down, not seeing a use for myself in the enar future. I glanced over to the table where I had set the makeshift mask. It was still sitting there, in all it’s just makeshiftiness glory. That’s a word right? Anyways it kinda fell apart, because I had some enchanted cloth that was bound around a few other synthetic parts Twilight had replicated from my mask, and that was all bound to my head via rubber band. We had established it worked, but I wouldn’t really trust myself with it.

Scratch that I wouldn’t trust anybody with that. It’s like… begging to fail horribly at the worst of times.

Ah well, nothing to do about it I suppose. Actually I could do something about it if I wasn’t so lazy. How the hell did I manage to become a soldier?

“Mphf!” Came Twilight, voice muffled by a tray in her mouth. I grabbed it so she could sit down and grab a sandwich with her magic.

“Why didn’t you use magic to carry the tray?” I asked, chewing on the sandwich. It had lettuce, tomatoes, and bread. So about ten trillion times better than an MRE.

She blushed and looked away.

“I guess I just forgot,”

“Forgot? That’ would be like me forgetting I had hands. Whatever. So anything else planned for today?”

“No, but I was going on a picnic tomorrow with my friends. They all wanted to get to know you better,”

“Fair enough,”

I hummed a sweet tune as we ate. Twilight seemed to enjoy it. Winning on all fronts!

Eating was slightly annoying, as I had to lift up the mask, take a bite, and then let the plastic seal back down on my skin, but it was better than breathing freely and risking someone barging in. I also figured I could contaminate the air around me, and it would stay ‘polluted’ for Odin knows how long. Better safe than sorry definitely applies here.

I drifted off into think mode. Think mode encompasses all of three things, what have I done with my life? What will I do with my life? And G.I. Joe. Man I really want an action figure now. Just to mess around with, y’know, for old times sake. I kinda miss being a kid. The blissful ignorance when people made sex jokes and I just stared at them with a cocked eyebrow. Heh. See, it’s funny, because people are immature, and cocked kinda sounds like a slang word for penis. Fuckin comedy gold right there.

Oh shi-oot. Need to tone down on the swearing. Keep it PG for the ponies. OH! I figured how I should act around them! It’ll be just like how I act around my nephew Keith! He’s about ten years old, really interested in zombies. Movies, games, whatever, as long as it’s got zombies. Still mostly innocent though, so no swearing or anything like that around him. Oh man, this one time, mah buddy Keith and I-

“Etrius?”

“Hm?” I asked, thinking about that particularly hilarious incident.

“I know it’s a really sensitive topic, especially since it happened so recently… but why didn’t you want to… y’know…”

“Get down and dirty with any of you?” I callously stated. Wait… DAMNIT! Okay, they are innocent, keep it that way.

She blushed pretty furiously at that.

“Well… yes… that’s one way to put it. But… specifically the Princess. Most would consider it an honor to… lay with her,”

“No offense, but I don’t find ponies attractive. Like… at all. Anything outside my own species just… doesn’t do it for me I guess,” I sound like a total prick. And I know it. That’s the worst part! I know I sound like a douche but I don’t ever do anything to stop it!

“OH! Oh, why?” She asked, plopping herself down on the couch next to me.

“Well, back on Earth, ponies weren’t sentient. They were just animals, no thoughts beyond primal instinct. I understand you aren’t like that, at all! Just, it’s been ingrained in my mind for such a long time… I guess. It’s all speculation of course, but nobody really… wanders outside the species if you catch my drift,”

“Oh… I see,” She said, looking downtrodden now. She stared at the ground and pawed the cushion for a while. I obliviously rested my head against the back of the couch and closed my eyes. It’s really nice to not have to be on guard at all times. I just close my eyes and the whole world is no longer a threat to me. I smiled.

In Israel, if you close your eyes, they whip out a knife and slit your throat. Then they video tape it, send it to America, and a war starts. Scratch that, that was racist, mean, and kinda dark. Terrorists of all flavors have been known to use dark means to get what they want. There, politically correct way of saying it really sucks to be an American soldier in an unstable country.

“So what are you going to do the rest of the day?” Twilight asked, having regained her composure.

“Uhhh… uhm…” I think it’s high time I got some exercise. “Prolly run some laps. Crunches, sit ups, if I can find a tree then I’ll go for some pull ups. Workout stuff in general,” I said, getting up.

“Okay! Well, have fun!” She said, wandering over to a book case. I nodded with my now trademarked smile, (not really) and walked outside. I turned to the left and wandered towards the park.

I suddenly became aware that I had a pear in my hand, though I don’t remember taking one with me. Huh. I tossed it in the air a few times, catching it as it fell to the ground. I repeated the process until a mess of rainbow hair and cyan fur snatched it away. Rainbow hovered in front of me, smiling as wide as she could while munching on my pear.

“I hope the stem gets stuck in your teeth,” I said, crossing my arms and shifting my weight to one of my feet.

She rolled her eyes, and with a cartoony gulp, swallowed what was left of the pear.

“What are you doing?” She asked, floating next to me as I started walking again.

“I’m going to exercise. Been a while since I did anything like that,”

“Cool! Mind if I join?”

“Not at all. Just don’t get fussy when you finally loose at something,” It was still odd how I knew so much about these ponies from the memory reading thingy Celestia did to me. It made me feel uncomfortable, knowing their basic personality without actually having spent much time around them at all. This whole place was just… strange.

“Is that a challenge?” She asked, poking me in the chest a few times.

“Was I too subtle?” I asked, looking down at her.

“OH! It is ON!”

She bolted away from me, flying towards the park.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Peace and quiet for a few minutes whilst I reflect on past events.

Oh sweet merciful Odin never again! Recent events suck! I was abducted, I can’t go home to my sweet, natural air, and I have two days before I must use jury rigged pieces of stuff that will probably fail miserably.

I sighed, which made me sound like a scuba diving Darth Vader… fuck my life. SHIT! I mean… darn! Tone down on the swearing. Everything starts with the brain, can’t even think about fu-swearing.

“Hey!” Dash called “You coming or what?”

I was tempted to sigh again, but that would make me repetitive. Nobody should be repetitive. It would also fog up the lenses. Anywho. I started a brisk jog to Rainbow Dash. I caught up with her quickly enough, and I was breathing heavily.

“How are you already winded! We haven’t even started!” She complained

“Hey! This thing is really restricting. It was designed to keep you alive when you absolutely have to. I knew one guy who liked wearing one, and he was stupid anyways. I can still do everything, but I’ll need to take it slower, or take more breaks or something,”

“That makes sense I guess. What’s that made of anyway?”

“Rubber, glass, and the filter is a bunch of science stuff that Twilight could explain if you really wanted her to,”

“HA! No offense, but I’m no egghead,” She said, punching me on the shoulder lightly.

“Same here. If it works, I use it, and that’s the end of that. I don’t need to worry about the how and why and all of that,” I said smiling. I am an ignorant moron, and I love every second of it.

“Finally! Somepony who agrees!” She shouted

“Ground pounders! HOOAH!” I shouted, raising a fist to her.

She got the message and punched my fist with her hoof. We shared a silence, walking towards a lake. It was a beautiful lake, and the sun was at just the right angle to make it shimmer and sparkle like in oh so many movies. It was truly beautiful… but then again this place was rigged, so it was probably always like this.

“Pretty neat huh?” Dash said, gesturing to the scenery.

“Yeah… yeah it is,” If only Cobra Commander were here. The cartoon one, not the real people actors one… he was stupid.

“So what were you thinking? A few laps?”

“Eeeeeeeh five laps looks good. Then some push ups after that, sit ups, and then some pull ups if I can find a tree,”

“Alright RACE YA!” She shouted, taking off. Jesus is there anything that isn’t a competition with her?

I started a brisk jog. No reason to wear myself out. I was about halfway through my second lap when I saw a stallion waving to me.

“HEY!” He called, I started over to him, and stopped when I was within reasonable conversation range.

“You’re Etrius right?” He asked. He was light brown, with a dark brown mane, and had an hourglass for a cutie mark.

“The one and only,” I replied

“Right. I heard you make a comment about a TARDIS while you were running away from all those mares. How do you know about that?” He also had a British accent.

Was this guy serious? “Just an Earth thingy. It’s from a TV show, don’t worry about it… unless you somehow have a similar thing,”

“OH! You’re from that one… oh that makes so much more sense. Well… how would you react if I said I could show you the real thing?”

“I would probably laugh in your face, call you a liar, and then go anyways,”

“Well then follow me,” He said walking away.

“HA! I call BS, you silly pony… ahhh let’s go,”

And so we walked, and I totally ditched Rainbow Dash at the lake. I don’t think she noticed though, otherwise she probably would have done something stupid about the strange stallion leading me towards a secluded place. That probably sounds more innocent in my head than it would out loud. Meh.

“So how did you get here?” He asked

“Oh… uh… sorry, but I don’t think I ever got your name,”

“Hm? OH! Terribly sorry, I’m the Doctor,”

“Neat. I got here via teleportation. Using Human technology, not pony magic. I was blasted through and the whole thing was being blown up… so I just went somewhere random. Turns out the coordinates stuck me here. Pretty damn lucky, but I have a feeling some amount of magic helped,”

“That’s possible… you are just a very lucky person in general aren’t you?” He said

“How would you know?”

“Oh, just from this ne instance alone I can say that this is either a second chance at a bad life, or just a continued winning streak,”

“Winning streak? I was almost raped two damnable days ago!”

He was silent for a moment. “I suppose that is true… but still, you could be dead, yet here you are, up and kicking, at least trying to live,”

I sighed. “Yeah. So I got that going for me, which is nice,”

“Oh cheer up! Things could be a lot worse!”

“Don’t jinx it you fool!” I shouted

He let out a laugh. “I suppose I shouldn’t. Ah! Here we are,” He said, pushing randomly into the air.

I looked around and saw we really were isolated. Easy to get to sure, but far enough out that nobody would find you if they weren’t actively searching.

I looked back and got a fangasm. Through the air, there was a random blue door, that opened up into a very large room. I grinned ear to ear and walked in. Something was off though, it all looked… dead, I suppose. Nothing was working, and it was very dull.

I voiced my opinion.

“Yes, she isn’t doing so well right now. The apparent magic here is doing a lot of things to her. C'est la vie though right?”

“I suppose. I’m still sorry for you though… want a hug?”

He looked at me in a funny way.

“I’ll pass thanks,”

“Suit yourself. So why bring me here?”

“Just to show you a little something. Brighten up your day. Also, the TARDIS has a funny habit of appearing just when you need her too… if you ever find yourself in trouble, try and find us,”

I smiled at the thought of a safehouse.

“Thanks doc,” I said, taking my leave. Just when I was about to close the door though, I leaned back in.

“Hey Docotor,” He looked up to me. “It’s bigger on the inside,” I said with a voice of wonder, looking around.

He grinned. I nodded and walked back towards Ponyville.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------click-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Really?” Griffin asked

“Yup,” I said, finishing up the details of the TARDIS

“I hate you. I thought the thing would mess itself up, but nope! You went ahead and fucked it all up for everybody!”

“No I didn’t. Come on, hug it out brah,” I said, swiveling my chair around to face him.

“No,” he said, taking a step back

“Yes,” I said, getting up and taking a step forward.

“No!” He started to run

“YOU GET BACK HERE AND HUG ME! AND YOU LIKE IT!” I shouted, chasing after him.

Author's Note

Hello! It's me again, authors note. I have literally nothing important to say other than I love you all in whatever way you want it to be.

A shrubbery!

A shrubbery!

“Where the hay were you!” Dash shouted, accusatorily pointing a hoof at me.

“I was running so fast you couldn’t keep up. I did all I wanted to and left,” I said. That’s a lie, I still need to do something active.

Dash growled. “Liar! Rematch! This time if you actually DO finish, you wait here! Got it?”

“Crystal clear ma’am,” I replied, giving her a curt salute and walking over to where we originally started.

She muttered something under her breath, but I couldn’t quite catch it.

She flapped up next to me and hovered there, slowly bobbing up and down, up and down, in a rhythmic pattern, in a lullaby kinda way… or something like that. I wanna go to bed, screw this.

“Hey, buddy? Wanna stop staring at me?”

I looked her in the eyes. “What if I said no?”

She opened her mouth, then closed it… looked down at the ground, and proceeded to ponder the statement.

“I would say… READYSETGO!” She shouted, dashing, heh, away.

I sighed. “Silly ponies,” I started to jog after her.

“Sweet… mother… of…. Thor… that was… a long run,” I said, gasping for air. We started mid afternoon, it was now six in the evening.

“Oh it wasn’t that bad!” Dash said, poking me in the side.

“Says you… she who can swap between the separate muscles of wings and legs,”

“Yeah well… deal with it,”

“I am good at doing that,” I said, throwing an arm into the air.

“So… wanna get something to eat?”

“Sweet mother of flumph yes,”

“… Flumpf?”

“It’s how I’m going to get around swearing,” I answered, getting up and… walking. Oh god the soreness.

“Why can’t you swear. Like buck you, or what the hay,”

“I dunno, you all just seem childish to me, and there are actually kids here so… break the habit now and I don’t have to deal with it later,”

“Yeah I guess so,” Dash said, looking off into space.

We walked back to town in silence.

“Hey, what are these?” Dash asked, pointing to my grenades.

“Uhh… really dangerous firecrackes,” I could have sworn I told them what these were. Maybe not. Meh.

“Cool! Can we set them off in Rarity’s place to scare the heck out of her?”

“What? NO! No. No that would be bad, for a lot of reasons,”

“Oh c’mon! What could happen,”

I though of an unfortunate rebel I had seen on one of my operations. Well… part of the rebel anyways.

“Well, it wouldn’t be hard for these to set the whole place on fire, and that would burn down her home and business all in one go,”

Dash looked down.

“Yeah I guess. I’m just bored though! I’m in a pranking mood!”

“Well…” I said, thinking of numerous ways to piss people off. “We could place a fake spider somewhere.

“YES! You are a genius!”

“I passed highschool with a two point seven,”

“Not the point!” She shouted, grabbing my collar and zooming towards… a prank store, I guess.

About five minutes later, and an inch less of rubber on my boots on account of her dragging me at warp speed, we arrived at some store. Dash more or less shoved me in.

Hey! I was right… and by Odin does this place terrify me. Itching powders, whoopee cushions, oil slick, PINS! Rows and rows and rows, and a column, of things to make your life a living mild inconvenience. I shuddered as Dash led me to the counter. I glanced one more time at the pins… I don’t like needles.

“Hey Dash! What can I get for you today?”

“Hey, I need something special,” She replied, looking around as if this were and illegal deal.

“Ahh, I think I know what you mean. Follow me, we’ll take a look at my back shelf stock,”

OH FIDDLE STICKS! Man, I told my mom I would never be a part of any illicit dealings, or do drugs, or any of that stuff, and here I am about to witness an illegal deal between two magical ponies over pranking materials.

I followed the two into a door behind the counter, and was even more horrified, there were things here that belonged in a slightly more adult themed shop, and things that looked like they were supposed to cause pain. There were also some fake and rubber animals, and oh my sweet Thor is that a landmine? I walked over to it and slowly lifted it up.

“Careful with that!” The shopkeeper called. “It’s not primed, but those landpies can make a real mess,”

I threw my head up and gave Valhalla my best ‘are you freaking serious’ face. I looked back down to the landmine and set it down gently. I gave it one last look before walking back over to Dash and the shop keep.

“Now this here, is a real tarantula, stuffed, of course, but nothing is anatomically inaccurate. Took me a while to get my hand on one of these,”

Dash looked at it with mild terror and a grin that would give the most manly of men have… nice dreams. She was trying to look evil but ended up just looking really cute. Her nose was all scrunched up ‘n stuff. It was adorable.

“Heh heh, how much?” she asked

“Twenty five bits,”

“Twenty five! I’ll go no higher than twenty,”

“Twenty four,”

“Twenty one,”

“Twenty three?”

“Nuh uh, twenty two is my limit,”

“Mmm… alright fine, but only because it’s you Dash,”

“Thanks!” Dash pulled out some bits, tossed them to the store guy, and took the spider.

Before we walked out, Dash pulled my leg.

“Yeah?” I asked

“I… don’t have anywhere you put this, can you hold it?”

“Yeah,” I said. I took the fake spider, thanked everything that I was wearing gloves, and stuffed it in an empty pouch. It used to have a few spare filters… now that I think about it, when the hell did I loose those? Too late now, I suppose.

We walked across town and got to the Carousel Boutique. It hurts my brain to think about that name. Too fancy for me.

“Ok… Dash, you see that window up there?” I said, pointing to an open window on the second story.

She nodded.

“Ok, take the spider, and while I distract her downstairs, place the spider on her bed,”

She nodded again as I handed her the spider. She flew up and took positions just beside it. I jogged up to the door and knocked.

‘Shave and a haircut, ten cents’, I recited in my head. Clichés, gotta love ‘em.

I heard faint trotting, which got progressively louder, until the door opened.

“Need something Etrius?”

“Yeah, actually… do you think you could make my helmet a little less… drab?” I asked, taking it off and presenting it to her. It was a dull grey, since the ACU cover was now missing… how the heck am I loosing everything? Anyways, she looked it over and nodded.

“Oooohhh thank you Etrius! Finally! Some male with a decent sense of fashion for once! I’ve been dying to do something to all of that dull and splotchy nonsense ever since I laid eyes on you!”

“Rrrriiight. I was thinking you could tattoo a smiley face on there or something. Nothing that would put my manliness at stake,”

“You walked into this store dear, I’m afraid it’s already gone,” She said with a playful tone.

“And out I went… and you would forever after look at this moment as the time you COULD have done something to my helmet, but passed it up,”

“Oh fine, give me a moment. A smiley face, you said?”

“Yes please,”

She floated my helmet over to a drawer, where she pulled out something that looked like it came out of a cereal box. It was a smiley face though. She plastered the smiley on my helmet, and cast a spell of some sort. The floated the helmet back over and dropped it on my head.

I took it off and examined the smiley.

It was slightly to the upper left of the front of the helmet, and had about a two inch diameter. The smiley itself was pretty basic, yellow face, two black dots for eyes, and a thin black line for a mouth.

“If you ever want to take that off, go get Twilight, because I certainly won’t let you get rid of the only interesting thing of your ensemble,”

“Right… oh fu-sh-Beethoventhefifth,”

“What?”

“I’ve no monies,”

“Consider it a favor Etrius though you might want to consider getting a job. Ta ta!” Rarity called as I walked out. I waved goodbye and smiled at a snickering Dash on the porch.

“It’s in place?” I asked

“You bet. What’s with the smiley?”

“U jelly of muh sw4g mate?” I don't know how I said it like that.

“N-no. I have all the swag,” Dash said, turning around.

“Really? Because I don’t see you with a helmet that has a smiley face on it,”

“Okay! Fine, it looks pretty cool, tell anypony else and I swear on me mum I will mash you,”

“Got it,”

“Can I wear it?” She asked

“I suppose so,”

I took off the helmet and plopped it on Dash’s head. The helmet covered up her eyes, but she pushed it up and smiled as she walked and it jostled around on her head. I think she liked the extra looks we got today.

All good things come to an end though, and eventually we had to part ways, I went back to Twilight’s, I helped Spike make dinner, and we both politely shooed Twilight away every time she tried to help. We made small talk, and headed off to bed.I don’t know why, but as soon as I entered my room, I felt really tired. I flopped down on the ground, which was comfy enough, and went to sleep immediately.

WELCOME! TO! HELL!

I imagine that would have been a lot more intense if it wasn’t dream text. I was dreaming, about neon letters that said welcome to hell. Wonderful.

NO!

Now they are rewriting themselves.

GET OFF THE CONTROLS!

NO!

YES!

NO!

GIVE ME THE KEYBOARD!

NO!

YES!

NO!

GRAAAH! YES!

GREETINGS ETRIUS!

“A fine hello to you as well,”

I’M SURE YOU ARE WONDERING WHO WE ARE!?

“Not really no,”

OH… WELL THEN… WELCOME TO THE DREAM STATE, WHERE YOU MAY COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR CREATORS!

“Neat,” I said, bringing up an imaginary camera and taking a picture.

YES! NEAT INDEED. ARE YOU AWARE YOU WILL BE BREATHING WITHOUT PROTECTION IN THE NEXT TWO DAYS?

“I am,”

DO YOU WISH TO PREVENT THIS?

“Yup,”

THEN YOU SHALL VENTURE TO THE CENTER OF THE EVERFREE, ALONE! AND YOU SHALL RETREIVE… A SHRUBBERY!

“Alright,”

TO PROVE WE ARE NOT THE HALLUCINATIONS YOU BELIEVE US TO BE, I SHALL CREAT A PICTURE OF THE TYPE OF SHRUBBERY I WANT!

“Got it,”

HA! GOT IT!

"Now, wake Mr. Etirus… wake up and, smell the ashes,”

I jerked up and looked around.

Weird freaking dream man.

I ran a hand down my mask, but froze halfway down. I pulled my hand from my face and looked at the picture of a raspberry bush taped to my hand. Now, where most freak out and yell, I just sighed, pulled out my pistol, chambered a round, and walked out the door with the most flat expression. My plan was to leave at midnight, which it was when I woke up, go to the Everfree, get the plant, and be back for Christmas morning. Or something along those lines. Of course though, plans were made to fail.

Author's Note

So... hi... been a while hasn't it. School just got out for me, and I thought I should make a chapter... and then it hit me, for how long this has gone without update. So yeah, hope you enjoyed this bit... (insert false promise I know I'll break) Have a good one ladies and gentlemen!

Rock Solid Baby

The silly walk I had going was becoming more and more a pain in the neck as I continued to walk through the overgrowth of the Everfree. The cement shoes I was still sporting seeming to get heavier and heavier with every step.

“I’ve half a mind to cut these things off. I can just hop around on two stumps for the rest of my days. Maybe get peg pads to replace them so I wouldn’t be hopping on my sensitive, pearly skin… join a pirate gang… Captain Two Leg they’d call me!”

You’re not original

“I’m aware, I’ve stolen every joke I’ve ever told”

With the lack of reply I lapsed into a silent march again. I held tightly onto the shrubbery in my left hand, and kept a firm but not quite death grip on my sidearm. I may be lazy, and somewhat of an… academically challenged, individual, but dammit they trained me well in the corps.

Speaking of, I wonder how they’re all doing back there? I had an explosive entrance to this place after all. By Odin I’m a comedic genius. But I am genuinely concerned for the guys and gals back home. Speaking of home… how am I gonna get back… I don’t think I’ve put much thought into that since I got here, can I get back? Should I go back? That’s not a question, yes I should definitely go back. But I’ve put literally zero effort into making that happen.

What even are my priorities right now?!

It’s getting that shrubbery back to ponyville in one piece

“Thanks mate, I’d forgotten,” I dryly answered

As I stepped over a particularly large root, I heard a snap of a twig far off to my right. I had felt eyes on me the whole time, and it certainly wasn’t because of that snake chicken thing with the chocolates and the look of fire and vengeance in its eyes. Definitely not that.

I made a pointed look towards the sky

Hey man it’s not my fault

“It’s quite literally, entirely your fault.”

I feel attacked right now

“YOU are not that one with an angry whatever the skirt gunning for you at this very moment! Indeed I am the bucket of rusty nails being attacked right now!” I am killing it with keeping the swearing under control right now. Figured though, when nobody is around to witness my self control of legends. Swear to Thor soon as I see a kid something’s gonna happen and I’m gonna curse up a storm so bad It’ll make Katrina look like a light shower.

“The storm will be constant, awful, and weathering. Get it… because weather…” I muttered to myself

Have you considered standup?

I ignored the red menace as I continued. “Many a moon will go by without any sign of stopping. Many a sailor will be lost , and many a mystery will form out the terrifying and mystical nature that is… The Etrius Trapezoid!” I finished, dramatically waving my arms about. Probably shouldn't’ wave a gun around like that in the future.

Just try to avoid scarring children

“No can do,”

It was at this moment that other snake chicken thing

It’s called a cockatrice

Oh… well that makes things easier, if a little less fun. The cockatrice… that sounds French… like just a little. Is that just me? I hope it’s not just me.

You are going to die

“Well it’s about time,”

I stared the would be assassin in the eyes, as it hovered at eye level with it’s weird lizard wings. Maybe I could intimidate the little sucker so I didn’t have to shoot it. Or stab it… or slowly seduce it, and then three years into our marriage with another kid on the way, poison it’s nightly drink and make a daring, heartbroken escape into the night.

It was at this moment that I realized it wasn’t backing down, and in fact it was very difficult to move my legs to walk forward to intimidate it further. Impossible, in fact. That’s a damn shame… OH SWEET FREYA I’M BEING TURNED TO STONE!

I snapped my left arm up and squeezed the… stem? Wrong hand, woops.

“Tehe!” I giggled to myself, conking my helmet with the tip of my sidearm. I’m such a silly little billy at times like these.

I then felt something very important turn rock solid. And not in the good way.

I brought my right arm up, leveled it with the french chickens face, and pulled the trigger. With a flash and a bang, once again not in the fun way, the cockatrice took a dive, and thudded into the ground

“Well, that could have gone worse,” I mused “Could have gone a LOT better, but worse was also an option here…”

I tried to shimmy either of my legs but that wasn’t happening.

I sighed to myself, which was more of an undertaking that I would have liked it to be. You would not beleive how much this mask interfered with breathing. I mean, maybe you would, could in fact, it’s not that hard. Just imagine wearing a rubber mask that makes breathing hard but not impossible.

Regardless, I was stuck in quite the pickle, with no way out. And no possible salvation. With no devious trickster wannabe god lurking somewhere with all of the ability to get me the felt tip marker out of here.

all of the ability and yet none of the motivation. Let’s be real for a second here Etrius, you’ve been quite the bully to me lately. It’s left me emotionally compromised.

“I have not been a bully! You were yanking my chain this way and that. You effortlessly stole my goat, and at the very end of it all you gave my leg a good pull as well! You sent me on this… now that I think about it very random and seemingly pointless task in the first place! I think you can handle a snarky comment here and there.”

Got me there. But no I’m not helping. With this at least, maybe other stuff, depends on how I’m feelings. Or if that acid finally kicks in. Four years and it’s still lurking somewhere… waiting, watching, about to pounce.

“Well then we’ll both be bored until I die out here… whether that be by another forlorn lover, some other monster, starvation, or anything else really,”

OH that reminds me!

“What reminds you? Also what does it remind you of, and why do I get the distinct impression it involves me in a way I’m not going to like?”

When you said anything really, and don’t worry about. All will become clear. Everything is going according to my master plan within a plan.

I’m tempted to beleive he has no plan. Actually, I just kinda started using he a while ago didn’t I?

“What gender are you?”

Dunno. I’ve been using comic sans so far, so I’m some nondescript degenerate. Let’s change it to… Pacifico! There, now I’m a cool beach dude.

“But, dude, yes? Not dudette?”

You can call me Sally if it makes you happy. But yes I have the same thing as you between my legs. Only bigger.

Yeah cause you can apparently edit reality. It’s the motion of ocean anyways, not the size of the boat. And I, don’t need to cheat.

You should test that theory on a few ponies.

“I’m gonna not,”

Spoil sport, but let me attend to that thing you reminded me of before I get too wrapped up in this.

“Wait no! You didn’t tell me-”

Well it’s been real and it’s been fun, but I can’t say it’s been real fun!

“... what exactly it was…”

I gave a few more experimental, futile tugs at my legs before resigning to my fate. I drooped over like a wilted flower and began to contemplate my reality. Which sucks at the moment. I mean, not dead, yay, but also… not exactly pleasant. And what if death sent me to the pearly gates with topless babes at either side, ready to take care of me for all eternity in payment for all my good deeds.

Heck of a what if considering I beleive that Valhalla waits for me… don’t I?

What is up with my head lately. Death could have sent a great many theoretical things at me, and I suppose this isn’t literally Hel, so I can deal. At least it probably isn’t… I’m overthinking this.

After a great deal more of waiting, and silence, only being occasionally broke by small woodland critters or the sounds of leaves and wind, the sun eventually began to rise. The warm rays of sunny delight were like heaven upon my cold person, and I rose to meet the occasion.
It would be a double entendre, but seeing as I’m already hard as rock, it’s kinda redundant. As I lifted my torso to fully feel the glorious warmth upon me, I felt something in the small of back crick in a very not ok kinda way.

“OOOOOhhhhhhhh… That’s… probably fine. Nothing bad could come of being drooped over for like three hours and then suddenly jerking upright… nothing bad at all… Sweet Odin mah back!”

I’m certain I had a very strained look on my face as I placed a hand on my back, trying to straighten out whatever went wrong as I straightened myself out fully, getting a few more cracks and pops in response.

“...Eeeetriiuuuusss!...” Came a distant call

Oh yay the ponies are here to save me! Sounded like Rainbow Bright but it was kinda hard to tell at this distance.

I holstered my pistol and placed the shrubbery in an empty pouch so I could cup my hands together in an organic megaphone. “WWWHHHHAAAAAAAT!” I shouted back.

First there was nothing, and then WHACK! My neck nearly broke from the sudden force as a rainbow blur pimp smacked at the speed of bitch.

“OOOWWWW!” I shouted in response, holding a hand up to my face and quintuple checking to make sure there were no cracks in the glass. Swear to Odin the last thing I need right now is horny mares while I literally can’t run. But they can’t get into my pants now either… interesting predicament. Matter at hand though.

“Rainbow… What in the name my armored angels from above was that for!”

The Cyan pegasus swiveled around to face me, wings flapping quickly in anger and face flushed with frustration. She hovered up to be eye to eye with me and poked me in the chest while speaking.

“What the heck were you thinking! Leaving in the middle of the night to go on an adventure! Without me! In the Everfree! Without me! Making everyone think you had up and left! But most importantly you did all this without telling ME!”

“I’ve a couple things to say to that. First off, you aren’t my mom, so I don’t need to tell you what I do, so don’t take it all personal like, and secondly… I didn’t want you guys to worry I guess? Things do down in the forest. Spooky things. I didn’t want a bunch of tiny little technicolor ponies getting caught up in the cross-spook,”

“That’s kinda sweet, but it doesn’t excuse you! Why were you even out here!?” She looked genuinely concerned, I felt kinda bad now.

“I was…” I just realized what absolute shite my answer is. Oh well, honesty always wins right? “...out… getting a shrubbery,”

The sting on the other side of my face has informed me that honesty does not, in fact, always win.

“I am so, completely, unbelievably, mad at you,” She seethed. Feathers ruffling more with every word.

“Fair. May I offer a counterpoint… what if you weren’t though? That’d be pretty cool right?”

I’m gonna have bruises after all this slapping. Like, my children will inherit these bruises. Sweet Odin that smarts!

“Etrius, could you please be serious for a moment! Everypony is super worried about you!”

“Yeah yeah, and I’m sorry. Could you please help drag me back to ponyville? I’ve had enough forest wanderings for one day,”

Dash gave a few testing prods around my body and circled her hooves around me, shifting a couple times to see where best to lift me from. I felt myself lift up ever so slightly, and one of her hooves around my waist slipped upwards to my chest. She lifted me another foot into the air, and I started to get concerned.

“Y’know you could just drag me forward, up is probably bad. REAL bad actually,”

She didn’t respond but she started hovering forward instead of up, so I guess she heard, or didn’t care and this was her plan from the start. So, hovering about two and half feet ish above the ground, we slowly made our way back to Ponyville.

“Hey uh, Rainbow…” I started, getting a ‘hum’ in response. “It wasn’t just you looking for me right? It was like… a group? Because if it was I think telling them to stop searching and leave the spooky forest is a good idea,”

Rainbow Dash gasped in realization and her grip on my slipped just enough. I would have pulled a sweet roll and looked like a total hero had my legs worked, but unfortunately I had to settle for loudly thump into the ground and lilt forward slightly, so I could process that I was falling before actually face planting into the dirt. Is it Tuesday? I feel like it’s Tuesday. It must be Tuesday.

“Right! That’s… OH wait no sorry! I mean… ah, uh, uhhmm…” Rainbow seemed to be thinking a mile a minute as she thought about what I said and also wanted to apologize and take care of my slightly broken face.

“It’s fine,” I mumbled “Go round everyone up, make sure they’re safe. I’ll just nap here for a moment,”

Dash rattled off one more apology before zooming off to find whomever else went on this little excursion.

I kinda felt like a green army man. You ever take one of the ones who’s holding their rifle above their head and lay him down, and then his whole body forms an arch? And then because you’re like five you try and replicate it because green army men are the coolest thing since sliced bread, and you fine it’s actually really hard to make that pose at all, let alone keep it?

No? Just me? Cool. This whole smile is worthless then. Or is it metaphor? If I use the word metaphor then I sound like a refined dandy gentleman, but then I also sound like a rich ponce, and I was gonna use ‘like’ in the joke I was building to, which makes it a simile… English is a rough language.

I would like to say that something snapped me out of my thoughts just then, and I had something to pay attention to, and it was gonna be all cool and interesting… but there wasn’t, and still isn’t. The forest is a big place, and it takes some real luck… or unluck, to run into pretty much anything. Especially if you’re not walking anywhere.

I pushed myself over to I was looking at the sky, my legs thunking end over end as I twisted my waist and settled into this MUCH more comfy position.

I sighed a weighty sigh and stared at the patches of sunlight filtering through the dense canopy.

“Guess I’ll just wait here then,” I muttered, resting my eyes and clearing my mind… for once… as I waited for my savior's to arrive. Wonder if this is what it’s like to be a princess...

Author's Note

Man, all both of you who were eagerly awaiting this to be updated. Been a minute hasn't it? I'm a decent bit older now, legal, for those interested, and generally more mature. I have less than no idea where I originally wanted this story to go, so I'll do my best to wing it and make an effort to finish what I started here and preserve the writing style and sense of humor. Least I can do now that I'm getting back into this fandom bit by bit. If you want my whole life story as to why I left and came back you can message me individually I suppose.
Nice to be back though

The snake chicken thing

“So… what’s going to happen to him in the Everfree?” Griffin, AKA green text, asked me

“Y’know, stuff,” I replied

“What? Why can’t you tell me. It’s not like we’re going to spoil anything for anybody,”

I stared off into space.

“Y’know… according to the law of infinite probability this could all be some shoddily written fanfic,”

“God damnit not this again,” Griffin said as he facepalmed.

“We could also be part of some mega machines programming, our entire lives a mere nanosecond to a larger being as we send some kind of signal out to the world in a search for what is likely porn,” I gave Griffin a dead serious look.

“Or perhaps we’re a pixel on the computer screen showing the porn. We could be simulated giant sex you know,”

He just threw his arms up in the air and walked towards the snack room.

“YOU CAN’T RUN AWAY FROM YOUR DESTINY FOREVER GRIFFIN!”

I had just left Ponyville when red text popped up in my head.

Heh heh, works every time. So how are things with you? Off to get the Shrubbery I see

“Wait… I thought the dreamplace or whatever was where I could talk with you,” I said

I’m essentially god. Deal with it. Now. Getting the Shrubbery I see. At midnight no less, and no pony pals!

“Yes, that is the plan,” I replied, feeling up some grenades. I really have a bad feeling about going into the Everfree.

How do you feel about cherry pie?

“As in do I like it? Yeah, it’s alright,” So God is real bad at smalltalk, or is just really weird. Probably a combination.

Interesting, interesting. Peach cobbler?

“Not a fan,”

GWAH! BLASPHEMY! BURN THE HERETIC!

I saw a pie spawn in front of my face and on instinct I ducked. Said pie went from zero to mach two instantly, and it broke the heck out of somebody’s window.

Oh… I’ll have to fix that later. But seriously what the heck man? Peach cobbler is great!

“I don’t know, I just never really liked it, I don’t know why,”

Do you like peaches?

“Yeah, they’re alright,” I said, stepping fully into the forest

Alright. Peaches are ALRIGHT! I’m sorry, but you brought this upon yourself

I don’t know what he meant by that, but I just need to keep walking. As I walked though, I heard animalistic grunts, which got louder and louder. I went into Skyrim sneak mode, and walked up a rock.

“WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT!” I shouted, running away from the horror.

It’s part of nature

“NO IT’S NOT! SIXTY NINE IS NOT A THING THAT SHOULD BE ATTEMPTED BY HYRDRAS!”

Racist

“GO AWAY!”

I climbed up a tree and sat on a branch, trying to delete that scarring image from my mind. Ok, new plan is to appease the voices, so horrifying and potentially sanity threatening things do not happen.

I hopped down from my perch and started to walk again, though this time I had no sense of direction… damnit.

I looked up hoping to see the sun, but the canopy was thick… that and it was night. Wow I’m a moron. I shrugged, and trudged onwards, eager to get the stupid bush and get out.

About ten minutes later I found myself sitting on a rock, dumping out some rocks and twigs that managed to find their way into my boot. I slipped it back on and double knotted it when I heard a twig snap. I jerked up and scanned the area, keeping my pistol pointing exactly where I was looking. I would never use this on ponies who are more innocent than my four year old niece, but I can deal with killing a wolf or something in self defense.

I heard a squawk of anger behind me, and I whirled around. I looked into an abomination’s eyes, I only slightly panicked when I saw it, and as a result I jerked the trigger back. I don’t remember being that jumpy, but what’s done is done.

The snake chicken thingy looked at me with tears welling in it’s eyes, it gripped the rather clean hole in it’s chest, squawked to the heavens, and fell over to the ground. I feel kinda bad now.

My feet were still stiff though.

I looked down and sighed. I had stone feet. I don't feel so bad now.

“Alright, alright, alright alright alright alright ALRGIHTY THEN! How in the sweet sam asterix times four am I supposed to walk through a forest when I’m all set an prepped to go swim with the fishies!?”

Walk

“Gee, thanks. You’re so helpful,”

I started to walk again, like you would if you were knee deep in water and trying to run, so you lift up your whole leg and twist it to the side and all that crap, and you look like a moron but you wanna have fun at the same time, yeah like that. Except I wasn’t having fun, I just had twenty pound feet.

Interesting description

“Ninety nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety nine bottles of beer! You take one down, you pass it around, you got ninety eight bottles of beer on the wall!” Petty revenge it may be, but it's worth it.

What are you doing.

“NINETY EIGHT BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL…”

Oh… oh I see. Well sir, I’ll have you know on a field trip in elementary school me and a friend of mine went to negative seventy four bottles. NINETY SEVEN BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL…

That was a wonderful waste of time. A solid thirty minutes of singing that song, negative eighty eight bottles of beer, and very close to my destination, according to red text.

Just five more minutes! Assuming you keep this pace and direction that is

I picked up the pace, going from knee deep in water, to marching Nazi who was also head of the ministry of silly walks. My best defense now was to confuse would be predators simply by walking past them.

That’s not a bad idea

“So Red Text, god, or whatever, why again am I getting this plant? I mean, I know why, but how is it all gonna work?”

Uhm… how mad would you be if I said that this was a really big joke, and there isn’t an actually point to this?

“PRETTY MAD!” I shouted

Good to know. But there is a point to it

I huffed.

Get over it. Once you get the shrubbery, you need to get Twilight to shove it all up in your filter, then you’ll have a solid year of breathable, anti-rapist air.

“One year? So I need to make a trip like this annually?” I clarified

Yup. But every time I’m gonna make it a little harder, or get you mixed up in an evil scheme, or perhaps you’ll have an overseas relationship that will throw a serious monkey wrench into your current one…

“What? But… but I’m not in a relationship!”

That’s what you take issue with? That’s just… aight fine. Fine whatever. But yeah, you keep telling yourself that

A few moments after that exchange I came across a large clearing, in the middle of which was a rather small shrub that looked exactly like the one I needed.

“I hate everything,” I said simply, before walking out into the clearing

What do you mean boyo

“This is far to convenient, and don’t you dare try and tell me this doesn’t look like an arena,”

You raise a good point… what are your feelings on cake

I stopped. I don’t know what was going to happen if I answered that, so I just stopped.

“You know I could probably make a living out in the Everfree,” I said to myself

Hey c’mon man. Don’t talk like that

“It can’t be that bad, and I’m A SOLDIER for crying out loud! Why am I being such a puss about everything!”

Buddy, we need some plot development. You can’t just abandon everything

“For that matter, why did I simply not go to a psychiatrist as soon as I started hearing voices! Why am I such a moron!”

Etrius, my main man, it’s not that bad, you aren’t stupid, just go grab the shrub, I’ll even delete the cake tribal’s!

“Why was I so lucky, for everything to end up perfectly fine!? AM I A CARTOON! WHAT EVEN IS THIS?!”

Don’t break the fourth wall man, we aren’t famous enough to do that

“I just… looking back… I can’t even… I just can’t even,”

HEY! Don’t you dare pull a stupid white girl on me

“BUT I CAN’T EV-”

I was stopped when a red, magical face with rayman hands appeared in front of me, and slapped me with it’s magical rayman hand.

“Osi-I mean Etrius. You CAN even. You were going through a tough time in your “life” and you made some bad calls. So what?”

“… Why do you have rayman hands?”

“You good now?”

“Yeah I’m good. Sorry for flipping out. So should I get the shrubbery now?”

“Yes please,” The face then disappeared

I walked over to the shrubbery and plucked it from the ground, it was surprisingly easy, and nothing tore. It all came, roots… everything. Sweet. I then thought of what just happened.

“I am so insane it’s not even funny,”

Yes it is

I sighed and started my walk back to Ponyville, not noticing that another snake chicken thing with a heart boxed shape of chocolates was glaring at me. Wait… yes I did. I commented on that. Should I be concerned about that?

Nah. It’s chill. You don’t remember jack

“But-”

Shhhh

“Red-”

Shhh

“Whatever,”

I "DIDDN’T NOTICE" the angry chicken snake things with a heart shaped box of chocolates… and is that a letter? Probably a love letter if the chocolates are anything to go by. OK I got this.

I didn’t notice the snake chicken thing with a heart shaped box of chocolates and a love letter, glaring at me with tears in it's eyes from just behind that tree over there.

Author's Note

I'm expecting a little flak from the snake chicken incident, feel free to hate, congratulate, or something in the middle. I HAVE A PLAN THOUGH! SO DON'T WORRY!

As long as you call winging it a plan.

Anywho, school starts again for me in... ten hours. So I figured I should get this out. Also, once this story is done, which probably won't be too much longer, I will start working in earnest on continuing the WWII story I started.

I BID YOU ALL A GOOD LIFE... because I don't know if your reading this during the day or night.