Everything But The Kitchen Sink

by Akumokagetsu

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Comedy, Sex, Discord, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 2204

Discord discovers that Princess Celestia developed a new hobby while he was trapped in stone. Unfortunately, that hobby was fanfiction.

Successfully 'reformed', Discord is free to wander the Canterlot Palace.
He and Luna find a specific room that Celestia has warned all away from.

So, naturally, they find Celestia's fanfiction.
And she's been writing shipping for about the past thousand years or so.

LOTS of shipping.

Published 2013-09-18 21:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-18 21:00:03 UTC

Do You Like Bananas?

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“Now, Discord, I want you to listen very, very carefully to me,” the draconequus flapped the small Celestia-esque puppet about on one talon, opposite the other one.

“Of course!” Discord squeaked in a high pitched voice, motioning with the felt miniature of himself. “Have you seen the size of my ears? I can hear what’s going on in Southern Zebrica, right now!”

Widening his eyes, Discord looked down at the puppet. “Wow, really? That’s pretty far away!”

“I know!” the puppet bragged up from his claw, dancing along one talon to kick the tiny imitation Celestia in the head. “It’s because I’m spectacular.”

“Why, yes you are!” Discord technically congratulated himself cooingly as he patted the puppet proudly on the head. “Who’s an adorable little agent of chaos and destruction?”

“Not me,” the small Celestia screeched in a nasally voice. “Because I like stupid rules and being mean to Discord and not sharing cake!”

“I am, I am, I am!” the puppet Discord jabbed an oddly sharp claw at his own chest, head flapping around ludicrously.

“What are you doing?”

Both puppets promptly exploded into whizzing burst of string cheese, splattering the walls behind him as Discord whirled on the spot to face Princess Luna.

“Do you mind?” the draconequus glowered at her, crossing his ‘arms’ grumpily. “I’m trying to enjoy the personal space of my own room, here!”

“This is a hallway,” Luna deadpanned, staring him down.

“I fail to see your point.” Discord responded blandly, billowing upwards into the air in a carefree manner as he sailed along slowly on his back.

“As per usual.” Luna quipped, shaking her head as she walked alongside him.

Things had continued to grow stranger by the day since Discord had decidedly begun ‘playing for the winning team’, as he put it. Certainly, he made things more… interesting, but Luna was beginning to miss the quiet and solitude of the palace before.

“Wheeeee!” Discord skidded along the ceiling, a couple of rocket powered ice cream sundaes strapped to his feet.

Definitely more interesting.

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Celestia was having a perfectly normal morning, for once.

She breathed in deeply through her nostrils, savoring the smell of the coffee. It was about time she had a break, after all; days like this one didn’t come often anymore. Quiet, pleasant and peaceful. The serenity settling upon her equine features as she ever so slowly added cream and sugar reflected her inner tranquility.

At least, until the slamming sound of a pair of massive cymbals directly behind her nearly made her leap out of her skin.

Celestia shrieked unbecomingly of any mare, let alone a princess, toppling directly off her throne.

Discord, laughing hysterically as he clutched at his stomach, said “D-d-did you see the look o-on your f-face?” Behind him, Celestia spotted her sister vainly attempting to refrain from giggling.

“For Faust’s sake, Discord!” Celestia yelled at the cackling god of chaos as he did a handstand of victory. “How many times do I have to tell you?”

He thought for a moment, a talon on his chin. “… Seven.”

“Out!” Celestia bellowed, shooting a dirty look at her ‘beloved’ younger sibling, who hadn’t made a single attempt to dissuade the draconequus from interrupting her morning ritual.

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“I have my doubts,” Luna bit her lower lip uncertainly as she trotted at an even pace beside the castle’s newest resident. “Celestia looked awfully angry.”

“Oh, pshaw.” Discord said flippantly, slithering through the air in a makeshift boat made from used popsicle sticks. “Some ponies just have no sense of humor. Sombrero was the same way, you know. So grumpy and frumpy!” he grinned. “Trying to talk sense to that guy was like a marathon in Tartarus.”

“Since when do you make sense?” Luna rolled her eyes, nodding politely to one of the guards.

“I make perfect sense,” Discord replied. “The nonsensical kind.”

“That makes no sense.”

“Ergo, perfection!” he chortled merrily, rightly terrifying the poor guard behind him as the popsicle rowboat inexplicably spontaneously combusted.

“You’re only going to wind up getting on Celestia’s nerves again,” Luna warned him as they left the guard (and about five others) to put out the fire. “And she threatened to do some pretty awful things to you if you did that one thing with the chocolate syrup-“

“Whoa, whoa, whoa.” Discord interrupted her seriously. “That was a fluke. TOTALLY not my fault,” he defended himself with a furrowed brow. “Besides, ol’ Ti-Ti isn’t going to take her obviously pent up frustration on innocent little ol’ me.” Discord scoffed at the very idea, skipping backwards along one wall while his head spun around to face her.

Luna shook her head, still trying to force the very idea of Discord to be more… well, normal. It was highly difficult. Instead, she distracted herself by asking “What makes you so certain of that?”

“Because,” he chuckled good-naturedly. “She’s too busy sneaking off to punish me for anything serious.”

The princess of the night paused, thinking. It didn’t seem like her sister to slip away without saying anything… but, then again, perhaps she really didn’t know her sister as well as she claimed to. “… Truly? Celestia? Thou art jesting.”

Wearing his most serious face, which somehow managed to take on the form of what he assured her was somepony named Richard Neighxton, Discord solemnly stated “Madam, I never joke. Allow me a moment to be serious.”

For almost a full four seconds, the entire hallway was silent.

At least, until Discord sprang into the air (literally from a giant spring that had appeared beneath him) with a boing! and whooping like a deranged canary. “Whee! Moment’s up!”

Attempting to remain sane for another five minutes, Luna simply glared at him. “I have yet to receive evidence that thou art not merely gossiping again, Discord.”

The draconequus wore an offended look, somehow managing to slip on a goofy looking powdered wig without her noticing. “Oh, lawd! I ain’t gone ‘round spreadin’ no rumors, shoogah.”

“… What?”

“I am a strong, independent god of chaos, who don’t need no princess.”

“Explain!” Luna shouted impatiently, stamping one hoof against the ground.

Making a harrumph noise, Discord grumbled “Celestia hides herself in a little broom closet when she’s angry.”

“… Really?”

“Yes, really!” Discord threw his arms into the air, as if he were expecting Luna to know it already. “I stalk – I mean, kindly observe your sister stomping off that way every time I start tap dancing all over her nerves! She makes sure nopony that doesn’t have the capacity to cleverly hide on the ceiling is following her, and locks herself in!”

Thinking heavily, Luna rubbed her scalp. “… Why?”

“Well, probably because she’s busy clopping. I am awfully sexy w-“

“That’s not what I meant!” Luna spat, glaring at him. Her sister would do no such thing. Such a ridiculous notion could only have come from Discord, of course. He was evidently just trying to sow seeds of dissent again. “I meant, why have you been following my sister?”

“I get bored!” the draconequus whined, casting out his hands pleadingly.

Checking over her shoulder to ensure that they were alone, Luna suspiciously asked “… And… where, precisely, is this ‘broom closet’?” she asked. For as long as she’d been in the castle, Luna knew of no broom closets aside from the ones in the lower quarters. Terribly inconvenient when somepony needed a broom.

Discord merely stuck a thumb out, pointing at the door beside them.

“… Seriously?”

“Fo shizzle, my pony,” Discord said bluntly.

“I begin to wonder if you planned this,” Luna eyed him warily, although she’d grown a particularly mischievous grin of her own.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Discord claimed innocently, one talon resting on his chest. “I most certainly did not plan to talk you into spying into your sister’s personal affairs to find out what she’s been up to, and putting off doing it myself because I love surprises.”

“That was oddly specific.”

Discord shrugged, magically lifting the lock on the door and slipping inside, closely followed by the curious princess.

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On the opposite end of the castle, Princess Celestia suddenly shuddered.

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“Oh. My. Mayhem,” Discord breathed, dropping yet another of the bound books.

“Celestia. Celestia. Celestia again,” Luna said with wide eyes. “I can’t believe my sister wrote all of these! There must be an entire library in here!” she said quietly in moderate shock, telekinetically shifting yet another of the cardboard boxes to the side. Hundreds upon hundreds of books, each with the same silvery print of the author on the front. Celestia’s name was the only thing adorning the blue covers, though, which made digging through them a little strange. Checking inside them, though, revealed that each one had a different title and story, and some had weird paper tags stuck to their sides.

“Lookit,” Discord pointed at one of them. “Honey Suckle ex Everypony?”

“How about this one?” Luna asked in befuddlement, actually recognizing some of the names. “Twilight Sparkle ex… Discord? What is this even…?”

“Yes?” the draconequus asked, peering over at her.

“No, no,” Luna corrected. “I was reading, uh… your name. On this one too, apparently,” her eyes narrowed significantly as she spotted her own name. The one that cropped up the most often, however, was still Discord.

“Let me see that,” Discord said, holding out one paw demandingly. Begrudgingly, she tossed the rather hefty book to him, and he rifled through it. Stopping midway through, he held the book at an odd angle before righting it and tilting his head at an odd angle instead.

“… Oh, my.”

“What is it?” Luna trotted over, past another twelve boxes, all labeled with Discord’s name. And, once again, Discord managed to catch her completely off guard by doing something she had never seen him doing before.

Standing still.

He cleared his throat after a few awkward moments, and slowly read aloud “-his enormous, throbbing patchwork meat banana penetrated the savage hydra repeatedly, slamming against the walls of-“

Discord was interrupted by Luna, who was busy gasping for breath through her laughter.

“… This isn’t funny!”

Luna, however, couldn’t hear him very well from the position she currently had rolling on the floor.

“I mean it!” Discord grumbled, although his voice actually held a note of concern. It was so bizarre stumbling across pornography… of well, himself.

“I-I b-b-beg to d-differ!” Luna tittered, trying to stop her loud laughter by jamming one hoof in her mouth. She wasn’t helping the situation.

“Oh, really?” the draconequus hissed dryly, spotting a particular book jutting out from one of the boxes – this one looked even newer than some of the others. “Not so funny when it’s happening to you, is it, Principessa?”

Luna promptly stopped laughing when Discord began reading from a new book entirely.

“-the sultry alicorn hungrily gobbled his member, suckling mightily at it as she would her mother’s teat-“

“Wait, what?” Luna’s jaw dropped, and she immediately pushed herself from the surprisingly well kempt floor. Discord continued unabated.

“-with a burning fervor between her thighs, Princess Luna pleadingly spread her thighs for the horny draconequus. ‘Please, Discord!’ she whimpers with a smirk, ‘jam my tiara into my tight little-‘”

“That’s quite enough!” Luna spluttered almost incoherently, snatching the book away from Discord with an embarrassed flush. Sure enough, he hadn’t been improvising as she desperately hoped he was; he really had been reading the book line for line.

“… Cel-Celestia couldn’t have written this… this drivel!” she dropped the accursed thing in denial, as if it were the books fault.

“Huh, weird.” Discord scratched his chin with one talon. “Because all of these claim she did.”

“My sister is not the kind of mare to write such – such, such mindless clop material!” Luna glowered at him, although she had a hard time believing her own words.

“See, the fact that you even know what that is makes me laugh,” Discord said so dryly that his tongue caught fire momentarily, and earning yet another blush from Luna.

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“All in accordance?” Celestia asked, head swiveling around to the other members of the conference table. Several ambassadors and political figures of differing races had convened, and the princess was glad that their meeting was nearly over.

All spoke in agreement, and Celestia nodded. “Very well then. It’s settled. The current currency of the Griffonian Nations will henceforth-“

She was rudely interrupted by an almost imperceptible raspberry next to her ear, which was somehow simultaneously loud enough for everyone else in the room to hear.

Sighing as she pinched the bridge of her muzzle, Celestia shifted in her chair as the mad god of chaos lowered himself from the ceiling upside down from a single rope.

“What is it now, Discord?” she asked in a bored tone, quietly wondering to herself how Discord could have possibly annoyed her any more than he already did.

“So…” he tapped his talons together nonchalantly, despite the fact that he was held aloft in the air upside down.

“… patchwork meat banana.”

Princess Celestia fell out of her chair.

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