Rarity's Dating Service

by Blue Eyes

Rating: everyone
Tags: Rarity, Romance, Big Macintosh, Slice of Life, Doctor Whooves, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4695

Rarity sets her close friend up on blind dates, with humorous results.

Sassback is a unicorn and close friend of Rarity. When Rarity sees that she is distraught over a pegasus pony who does not return her affections, Rarity sets Sassback up on several blind dates, with humorous results.

Published 2013-09-18 21:10:10 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-18 21:10:10 UTC

Rarity's Dating Service

The smell of freshly cut grass hung in the air, bringing a smile to the pink unicorn's face as she trotted through the market place. Rickety, wooden stalls lined the street, filled with ponies shouting to her, inviting her to inspect their wares.

"This necklace would look beautiful on you," one vendor said smoothly.

"Howdy, ma'am," an orange earth pony called out. "Ah have some freshly picked apples Ah just know ya'll'ed love."

Sassback ignored all these solicitors, with the exception of a stall filled to the brim with used novels, and made her way to a booth packed with large rolls of fabric.

She moved from fabric to fabric, holding up a picture to each before shaking her head in disapproval. At last, she found a dark, midnight blue, just the perfect match for the Wonderbolts' uniforms. I can't wait to see the look on their faces when they get their awesome Halloween costumes, thought Sassback. They'll be so surprised! She was hopping up and down, her purple main bouncing softly. Suddenly, she stopped her joyful hopping, realizing that everypony around was staring. The unicorn managed an awkward grin.

SWOOSH! A red blur zipped overhead, rattling the rolls of cloth. A few tipped over and began to unfurl. The unicorn running the stall grunted and cursed as her horn glowed and the rolls moved floated back into place.

ZOOM! This time it whizzed by at ground level, too close for comfort. Sassback's lavender mane was blown in her face, becoming a tangled mess. She had brushed it 200 times that morning to look beautiful and this is how the world treated her hard work?

ZIP! "Dagnabbit!" The orange earth pony with the accent cursed. Sassback pushed her mane from her eyes just in time to see a bombardment of apples coming straight for her face.

Duck! Dip! Dodge! Dive! Apple after apple flew at her. Finally, an idea that should have been instinct occurred to her. In one easy motion, her horn glowed bright pink, causing the apples to swerve up and back into the farmer's small wagon. How do all those earth ponies and pegasus ponies manage without unicorn magic, she wondered.

It had certainly been a crazy few moments of peril, but Sassback regained her composure like the lady she was and turned back to the fabric vendor.

"LOOK OUT!" a voice called from directly above her. It was too late. The red pegasus pony came crashing down with a THUD!

"The two ponies lay there for a long while, the red pegasus pony sprawled out on top of Sassback. The market was at a standstill as patron and vendors alike all feared the worst.

"Triple Crown!" the pink unicorn snapped. "Get off me!"

The pegasus pony lifted his head, stars still spinning in his eyes, and gave her a curious look. "Your coat looks like bubblegum," he remarked stupidly.

"And yours looks like blood," Sassback replied. "And that's exactly what it'll be covered in if you don't get off me right now!"

XXXXXXXXX

"And then do you know what came falling out of the sky, right on top of me? Guess!" Sassback unfurled the roll of cloth on the table.

"I simply don't know, darling. What was it?" Rarity had her back turned to her friend as she concentrated on stitching together her own project.

"It was TC!" she exclaimed. "How in Equestria does he always, always manage to destroy or maim something when he's doing those stupid tricks?! And why does it seem like I'm one of those somethings always getting maimed?!"

"I know you're upset, dear, but please try to calm down a little." It was no use. Even if Sassback weren't being so loud, the dress at hand would still have been frustrating the young fashionista unicorn. Rarity had been working herself to the bone on this commission and it just was not coming out the way she had envisioned it. Maybe a break to chat with her friend would be just the thing to refresh her.

"So," Rarity began, focusing on her friend now, "Tell me about this dress you're making." She was giving Sassback the use of her boutique for her work, Rarity deserved to know what wonderful creation was coming together under her roof.

"It's not a dress," Sassback explained. "I thought I'd make TC and Rainbow Dash some surprise Halloween costumes. They're always going on about how great the Wonderbolts are, so I thought I'd try my hoof at making them the outfits."

"Well, far be it from me to discourage you, but I do think you're being awfully too nice to that colt, considering how ungentlemanly he has been to you in the past. If it were me, I wouldn't be giving that Triple Crown the time of day." She flicked her purple mane back as she pointed her nose in the air.

"I know," Sassback sighed. Her chin dropped to the table, her mane draped across the blue fabric. Rarity quickly regretted voicing her opinion on the matter. She must say something to correct the situation. It had been very rude of her, after all.

"But he has been putting forth an enormous amount of effort to reconcile his past mistakes. You two seem to have become very good friends."

Sassback lifted her head and smiled. "You're absolutely right!" Then, as quickly and cheerfully as the smile had come, it vanished as she continued on, "You don't think him and Rainbow Dash are..."

Rarity laughed at the suggestion. "You don't need to worry about that, dear. Rainbow Dash is the absolute last pony you need to worry about stealing any mare's colt."

"Why?" Sassback asked, still needing reassurance.

"She's, well, you know..." Rarity eyed the pink mare, waiting for a look of comprehension to dawn on her face. Sassback just stared blankly at her, waiting for the rest of the statement. "You're not understanding, are you?" Sassback shook her head left to right. "She's, well, a fillyfooler."

"Oh, that makes sense." Sassback was smiling again. "Is that why she's always with that pink earth pony?"

Rarity thought on the question. The two of them did spend quite a bit of time together, come to think of it. "I'm quite sure it's none of my business," she replied. "You know I enjoy gossiping with you, but I make every attempt to leave my friends out of it." Said like a true lady.

The two continued to go about their work, snipping and stitching long into the afternoon. Rarity worked much slower than normal as she thought on their conversation. Seeing her friend distraught hurt her. There must be something she could do.

XXXXXXXXX

"I have called you all here," Rarity began, looking around the hollowed tree that housed Ponyville's public library. "To ask for your help in cheering up one of my closest friends."

Five ponies looked at her from around the circular, wooden table. Rarity spoke for a long time, detailing the mission at hand. Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie and Applejack listened patiently.

When the white unicorn had finished her spiel, Twilight Sparkle rasied her hoof, like a student waiting to ask a question of her teacher. "Are you sure this is a good idea, Rarity? I mean, you do remember what happened to you at the Gala, right?"

"C'mon, Twilight," a gleeful voice chimed. Pinkie Pie bounced over to the skeptical unicorn. "Rarity just wants to make Sassback all smiley whiley. And I think this will be a fun way to make things all lovey dovey. You're not going to be a grump wumpy, now are you?" Pinkie Pie's eyes became wide and puppy-like as she pleaded with Twilight.

"Fine," she conceded. "As long as you don't ever say smiley whiley, lovey dovey or grumpy wumpy ever again, I'll do whatever this scheme involves."

"Yay!" Pinkie Pie cart wheeled around the room in celebration.

Another skeptic spoke up. This time it was Applejack. The orange earth pony leaned on the table. "Ah reckon this is a mighty thoughtful gesture, but Ah really don't see how we all are supposed to make this happen. Ah don't think Ah've ever even met this filly ya'll are talking about."

"Why, Applejack, I'm so glad you asked," Rarity giggled. "You just happen to be the key to accomplishing Plan A."

"Ah'm the what to the what now?"

XXXXXXXXX

Sassback paced anxiously accross the small house. Why did I let her talk me into this? she thought. From the window to the kitchen. From the kitchen to the window. From the window to the kitchen. What reason did she have to be nervous? Was she nervous or just annoyed? She couldn't really tell. Pace, pace, pace. She began to suspect the floorboard might have her hoofprints permanently etched in them after all the rounds she had made.

A sudden tapping on the door caused the mare to leap back in fear. "No need to worry," she reminded herself. Slowly, but surely, Sassback made strides to the door. She inhaled deeply through her nose, held it and then, slowly exhaled. That's better. I can do this.

Her horn glowed a soft pink and the door knob twisted to open the door, revealing a red earth pony stallion on the other side. Thw work horse towered over Sassback, who stood in awe of his immense size. Rarity had said he worked on afarm and from the look of him, she could not be taken for a liar.

"So, um, you must be Macintosh?" She asked having already knew the answer.

"Eeyup," he said in a low, serenading voice. Sassback stood in the doorway awaiting him to continue, but he simply stood there with an expressionless look on his face and a long stick of hay jutting from his lip.

"I'm Sassback," she said, trying to break the painful silence. "Did you have anything in mind for our blind date?"

"Eeyup," he replied. The stallion turned and began walking. The must mean he wanted her to follow him.

The two walked through Ponyville for what could have been minutes or hours. Sassback could not tell. It was late afternoon and the sun would be setting soon. Where he was leading her, she could not have guessed if she tried. This was bad. He wasn't saying anything. Not a word. The mare had already been a nervous wreck all day and now it was becoming exponentially worse. Rarity had said Big Mac was the strong and silent type, but this was just ridiculous.

"So," Sassback began, determined to improve the situation. "Your cutie mark is a sliced-open apple and you work on an apple farm." She paused and felt stupid. "I mean, an apple orchard." Way to save herself. "I guess that means you really like apples?"

"Eeyup."

"Well, my cutie mark is a light bulb, but I'm not an electrician or anything. My mom says it's because I'm really creative because, you know, light bulbs and, um, ideas and being bright and all that. Does it sound like I'm bragging?"

"Eeyup."

"Is that all you can say?" she demanded, feeling exasperated at her date.

"Uhh-nope." The stallion came to a halt. Sassback almost collided with him. She had not been paying too much attention to their surroundings as she followed him through the town. To her surprise, before her stood a field of apple trees. Twilight had slipped in unnoticed to the mare. The world was on the edge of night and day as Celestia's sun sank behind the Swayback Mountains. The red sn purples of the sunset brought brilliant color and beauty to those rows of apple trees in ways she might not have believed if sompony had tried to explain it.

She found herself unexpectedly leaning up against the stallion. It was a strange feeling, as if the sunset had melted her and now she was just a puddle, content to sit there forever.

Eventually, the final rays of sunlight were gone. Big Mac got up without a word and began walking away. Unbidden, Sassback followed, ready to go wherever he might lead her next. Who was that stupid colt she had been so hung up on? She couldn't even remember his stupid red face anymore.

Before she knew it, they stood in fron of her small, one bedroom cottage again. What? Sassback looked up at Big Mac, waiting for him to say something. anything. The pony dipped his head toward her and then walked back the way they had come.

"That's it?"

Big Mac turned his head and replied, "Eeyup."

What?

"You came all the way over here to make me walk halfway across Ponyville, not saying one word the whole time and you made me feel like a nervous wreck, like I was doing something horribly wrong." Her breaths were short and aggravated. "Then you make me forget all that and show me the most beautiful sunset ever," she stomped a hoof on the cobblestone road. "And just when I'm comfortable you take me home. AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING BESIDES 'Eeyup'??? WHAT. IS. WRONG WITH YOU?!"

The stick of hay that Big Mac had been chewing on dropped to the ground. "WEll," the pony began, in that soothing voice. "I was, um, I wanted to, but you see..."

"Too late." Sassback's horn was glowing an intensely bright pink. Big Mac found his hooves being lifted off the ground. He swiped furiously at the air, trying to reach for anything. And then, he was being catapulted several dozen yards, hitting the ground with enough force to shake the walls of the buildings near him.

Needless to say, there would be no second date.

XXXXXXXXX

Triple Crown came gliding down gracefully, white mane blowing in the wind. It was much easier when he wasn't trying to show off or go twice as fast as any pegasus pony could safely fly. He landed beside Sassback who had been watching him demonstrate some of the moves Rainbow Dash had taught him.

"I'm still not any good with those barrel rolls. I get dizzy way too easy," Triple Crown told her. "That's kind of what happened the other day at the market. Anything that has me spinning always leads to a crash landing." He laughed remembering the incident, but Sassback just rolled her eyes. Being used to break somepony's fall was not as funny as he seemed to think.

"You never apologized for that," she reminded him.

"I figured you would know that it was an accident. I didn't do it on purpose, Sas. You know I wouldn't just crash into you if I can help it."

The two walked along a grassy hill overlooking Ponyville. Sassback's brow furrowed at the sight of a big red barn and the apple trees behind it. "Hey, TC," she said casually. "You're really frustrating sometimes."

"Why's that?" He dipped his head to take a chomp out of a daisy. Yellow petals covered his lips as he chewed. He continued trotting along, wings spread out, without any idea about the petals on his face. Were all colts just perpetually clueless?

"Because I wanted you to apologize and you said a bunch of stuff, but you never actually said you were sorry. And I didn't even notice." Triple Crown erupted into a fit of laughter when he realized she was right. If only he could be so cunning all the time. The sad truth was the it seemed, more often than not, that anything he had done that appeared brilliant was also an accident.

The pair continued down into Ponyville, Sassback having never received an apology.

XXXXXXXXX

Sassback sat at the table entranced by the handsome colt opposite of her. He was a brown earth pony with a poofy mane and an hour glass cutie mark that was just as cryptic in its meaning as her cutie mark. She had been cautious about accepting another blind date, but this time it was with a doctor. Quite a step up from a farmer. Why not give him a chance?

This time Sassback had chosen a place for the two to meet. The date might at least begin well if it were in a traditional date spot, such as a restaurant. He was very dashing in his blue suit, but kept speaking very quickly and didn't make sense much of the time.

"You never mentioned your name," Sassback interrupted his rant about something to do with stars and space.

"Just the Doctor," he said firmly.

"Doctor Who?"

"That joke is rubbish," he said.

"So...the Doctor?"

"Yes. Anyway, when I asked Twilight if she knew anypony that would make a good mate, I guess she thought I said date and here we are."

"Mate?" Sassback blushed profusely. "I think you're moving a little too fast for me, Doctor."

"Huh? Ooooh! No, no, no, no, no. I didn't mean mate like somepony you mate with. I meant mate like, you know, a mate." He kept speaking with the funny accent she had never heart and really wasn't making any sense. He was easy on the eyes, but that wasn't saving the evening.

"Restaurants are boring," the Doctor continued. "How would you like to do something fun?"

"Not mating?" Sassback was a little worried now.

"Oh, no! Never! I just want to take you somewhere."

The way he said never was just a little insulting, but her curiosity was beginning to overpower the little bit of indignation Sassback had at the moment.

"This is it!" the Doctor exclaimed as they finally approached a large, blue, rectangular box. It stood upright and had a barn shaped roof with a lantern of some sort at the very top. On the front there were two doors and a sign that read "Police Barn".

"What is it?" The pink unicorn inquired.

"My TARDIS." He said it so matter-of-factly, as if he expected her to know what in the wide world of Equestria he meant.

"It's a blue box."

"Ah ha!" The outburst caused Sassback to flinch. "Yes, it's a blue box. But don't you want to know what's inthe blue box? Of course, you do!" He pushed a hoof against the door, opening it to reveal a large room. A room in a box.

A room...

In a box...

Sassback crept up to the TARDIS. She wasn't scared. No, nothing as simple as a box could scare her. Most boxes didn't have rooms the size of her house in them, though. She peeked her head in, slowly. Then, she jerked it out in a flash. "It's bigger on the inside," she marveled. She trotted around the box to inspect i thoroughly. Yes, it was a wooden, blue box. Nothing sinister about it form the outside.

Unicorns could do all sorts of things with magic, but there were natural laws that you were taught that could not be broken. The sight before her managed to break quite a few.

"First tell me where we're going," said Sassback to the strange pony with the hourglass cutie mark.

"Anywhere or anywhen you'd like."

"Any...when?"

"Time travel."

Sassback took another look at the hourglass on his flank. If he wasn't crazy that would make perfect sense. Only if he wasn't crazy. Could she really go anywhere? Where in history would she choose to go? Multiple choice would have been nice at that moment.

"I want to see another planet," she grinned. "Can your little blue box do that?" She trotted on in, the Doctor right behind her. The door closed with a BANG!

If anypony had been watching, they would have seen the blue box fade in and out of existence, accompanied by a loug siren and the flashing of the lantern up top until it faded away completely. If the pony happened to sit there for five minutes, they would have seen the blue box fade back into the spot it had disappeared from.

Within seconds, the door to the TARDIS tored open and a furry mess of purple and pink and dirt and scorch marks burst out.

"YOU! ARE! CRAZY!" Sassback shouted at the Doctor. Her mind raced with the memories of lasers and robots and running and fire and running and aliens and more lasers and more running.

How long had they even been gone? It must have been all night. When she arrived home and collapsed on her bed, Sassback looked up at the clock mounted to the wall to discover she had only been gone for an hour. Time travel, she remembered.

XXXXXXXXX

"You look like a mess," Triple Crown gasped. It was the day after her "date" with the Doctor and Sassback was determined to tell herself it had all been a bad dream. Her aching body screamed otherwise.

"I just didn't sleep well," she lied.

Triple Crown was not accustomed to seeing Sassback so gloomy. But if she would not tell him what was wrong, how could he possibly make her feel better? Maybe he didn't need to know. Mayber there was a cure-all solution for any problem right around the corner. Or mayber just at the corner itself.

"Know what you need? Some cupcake!"

The two ponies soon found their way to Sugar Cube Corner, where an all too happy-go-lucky pink pony greeted them from behind the counter.

You're a pink unicorn pony with a light bulb cutie mark!" The pink filly gasped.

"Uh...yes," Sassback said, nervously.

"And you're a red pegasus pony with a winged shoe cutie mark!" The pink earth pony was giggling and dancing circles around the two very confused ponies.

Triple Crown and Sassback exchanged glances. "I want whatever cupcakes she's having," whispered Triple Crown.

"I better go get the gang," Pinkie Pie reminded herself. "I think it's time for Plan C, don't you agree?" She bolted for the door, but stopped herself. "Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back. Feel free to eat all you want and don't worry about paying."

After the door closed behind Pinkie Pie, the pair of ponies left behind stood speechless. She did say to have as much as we want," Triple Crown said with a wicked smile.

"She did say that," his unicorn companion agreed with a hint of deviance in her voice.

They were off. Triple Crown flew to the cookies. "Chocolate chip!" He tossed it in the air and caught it in his mouth. "Chocolatey chocolate chip!" The pegasus pony balanced it on his muzzle, gave it a hard toss into the air and then fell to his back and caught it in his mouth as well.

Meanwhile, Sassback was at the far end of the shop levitating three different flavored cupcakes. The cupcakes began circling her head and as each one passed by her mouth, she took a big bite. It didn't take long for the cupcakes to disappear. Triple Crown watched her work with a grin.

"How many of those do you think you can lift at once?" asked Triple Crown.

To answer him, cupcakes and candy canes and cookies and gingerbread ponies and donuts and all other types of treats were floated up in all corners of the room.

"Perfect!" The pegasus pony leapt into the air and began a dizzying whirlwind of laps around the tiny confectionary. Around and around he flew, taking bits of treats as he made his laps.

Cookie.

CHOMP!

Pie.

MUNCH!

Fudge.

NOM!

Triple Crown felt his head get light. He zipped around the room. It was like a red tornado. His body zoomed around the shop. His head spun in his head. The world was a hazy blur. And then...CRASH!

XXXXXXXXX

Just outside Sugar Cube corner, a group of six ponies marched forward with their mission in mind. Rarity led the charge. The group halted in front of the shop.

"Fluttershy," Rarity called. "Are your birds ready?" She was looking at the yellow pegasus pony with several songbirds riding on her back.

"Yes, Rarity," Fluttershy said, in a soft, almost inaudible voice.

"Pinkie Pie, Rarity beckoned. Pinkie Pie snapped to attention on her hind legs and gave a salute. "Do you have the lyrics memorized?"

"One super dee duper love song memorized and ready to make two ponies fall in love."

"Applejack and Rainbow Dash, you know what your jobs are?"

Guard this door and don't let anypony interrupt, no matter what!" Rainbow Dash replied with unusual conviction.

"Twilight Sparkle?" Rarity turned to the purple unicorn.

"Rarity, don't you think you've been taking this a little overboard?"

"Twilight, my dear," Rarity said, gracefully. She sauntered over to her friend. "You did promise to help, didn't you?"

"Yes, but..."

"And you certainly wouldn't want to break a promise to your friends would you?"

"No, but..."

"And you certainly wouldn't want my horn stabbed into your throat while you sleep, would you?"

"No, I guess...Wait, what?" The five ponies stared at Rarity inshock.

"So, what is your job again, Twilight?"

The purple unicorn gulped and gave a shaky reply. "To use my magic to create a romantic atmosphere with lighting and smoke?"

"Very good," Rarity said, patting Twilight on the head. She then marched forward, determined that today would be her friend's day for romance. Then with a turn of the door knob she found something nopony expected.

The main floor of Sugar Cube corner was absolutely flooded with cookies and gumdrops and gummy bears and peppermints. There was frosting and there were sprinkles. The room was practically painted in candy and sugar.

She heard them before she saw them. In the center of the room, all tangled up in each other, were the two ponies laughing uncontrollably and laying in the flood of confections. They laughed so hard that tears rolled down their cheeks. Each of them had a bright red mark on their forehead from Triple Crown's catastrophic crash.

"Well, I guess I'm not needed here after all," Rarity announced with a smile.

Triple Crown and Sassback looked to the unicorn in the doorway, then to the mess they had made. then, they looked at the position they were in, laying together.

"I can explain!" Triple Crown panicked.

Suddenly, in bounced Pinkie Pie. "Ooooh! Did it rain candy in here? Oh wait, we're inside, so it can't be rain." Pinkie Pie turned to Rainbow Dash, "Can you make it rain inside? I've never seen a cloud in a house before."

"No, Pinkie," groaned Rainbow Dash as she squeezed through the door. "And before you ask, it can't rain candy either."

"How do you know?" asked Pinkie Pie. "Have you ever tried to make it rain candy? All you ever do is make it rain the rainy kind of rain. You need to try something new."

Laughter once again burst from the two ponies at the center of the room.

"Thanks," Sassback said to Triple Crown as they pulled themselves up off the floor.

"For what?" Triple Crown was still letting out bubbly little giggles. "I crashed into you. AGAIN!" Why would you thank me?"

"Because this is the best date I've had all week. Even if it's not really a date." She leaned over and gave him a quick peck on the cheek before trotting to the door. "You should probably help that pink pony clean up the mess you made." And then she was gone. Triple Crown might have argued tha tthe fault was partly with her, but he knew there wasn't much use in trying.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie Pie," greeted a cotton candy colored filly.

XXXXXXXXX

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I learned that even when you want to help your friends, you can't force happiness on them, no matter how hard you try. It's good to try your best to make them happy, but ultimately it comes down to them. At times, the best thing to do is just to be supportive of your friends and let them work out their own problems. However, they are certain to appreciate your hard work and sincere care.

Your Faithful Student,

Twilight Sparkle

PS: If I should ever go missing or be found dead, Rarity should be considered a suspect.