My Little Pony: Naughtiness is Magic 1: Twitcha-twitch! (Final Draft 1/21/12)
by: DarkPhoenix111
Disclaimer: These characters are legally owned by Hasbro, Inc. and the Lauren Faust team. This is just a fanfic written for fun with no expectations of profit. Note: The character Sultry is my own creation.
Warning: This fanfic contains adult situations, but there is nothing graphic about them. It's more of a comical look at the love lives of the ponies that we don't get to see on TV. Enjoy!
"There--finished!"
Twilight Sparkle levitated the final book onto her shelf. Gazing around the library that served as her home, she nodded her head, satisfied. She checked her hourglass. It was almost midnight.
"Oh wow! I guess it's time for bed." She giggled, glad to have some time to herself: her pet owl Owlicious was staying at Fluttershy’s for the night, and Spike hadn’t returned yet. As she started up the stairs to her bedroom, Spike, her purple baby dragon assistant, came tottering in through the front door while holding a small basket of gems.
"Hey there, Twilight. You're still up?"
Darn it, the purple unicorn thought. She huffed. "Yes, I am. I'm tired after having to pick up all those books! You could have stayed and helped me, you know."
Spike groaned and rolled his eyes. "I told you--I had to go pick up these gems from Rarity. See?" He showed her the basket of gems he had been munching on. "Isn't she the sweetest?" He popped another gem into his mouth.
Twilight shook her head. "You spend so much time at Rarity's these days, you might as well as be married to her."
The purple dragon's eyes bulged as he stopped mid-crunch. "M-married?! To Rarity?" Suddenly his eyes took on a dreamy look, followed by a goofy grin on his scaly face. "Then all of Equestria would finally know about our--our secret love!"
"'Secret' love?!" Twilight almost fell down the stairs, and she favored Spike with an incredulous look. "'Open' secret love is what you mean!"
Twilight's sarcasm snapped Spike out of his daydreaming. "Look who's talking, Ms. Secret-Stash."
Now it was time for Twilight's already large eyes to bulge. "S-s-secret stash?" she sputtered, looking shifty-eyed. "What secret stash? I have no stash!"
"Oh please. I live here with you, remember? Every night you 'go to bed,' but you really just stay up late reading those magazines." He gobbled up another gem and leered at her. "You sure have some interesting tastes."
"You read them?!"
Spike smirked. "I thought you didn't have them in the first place."
"I, uh, don't!"
"Riiiight."
"A-anyway!" Twilight turned on a hoof, her head held high. "I'm going to bed now." She resumed ascending the stairs.
However, before she reached the last step, a loud banging on the front door nearly caused both unicorn and dragon to jump out of their hides. As a result, Twilight actually did tumble down to land in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs.
"Ow."
Spike looked at Twilight long enough to see that she was still conscious. "I wonder who that could be?" He moved toward the door.
Suddenly the barn-style door swung open, smashing both the little dragon and his basket of remaining gems into the wall. "I'm okay," came his muffled reply.
But Twilight didn't notice--she was too busy staring at the pony in her doorway.
"Pinkie?"
Indeed, it was none other than Pinkie Pie, a spastic pink Earth pony representing the Element of Laughter. The thing is, she was certainly not doing any laughing at the moment. Her curly pink mane and tail were frazzled. Her eyes were bulging, and her body was shaking as though she had been drinking nothing but caffeinated coffee for several days straight--and shooting up non-stop on sugar cubes while she was at it.
"Pinkie, what's wrong?" Twilight stood up and trotted towards her friend. "You look awful."
Pinkie Pie looked at Twilight with huge pleading eyes. "T-t-twi . . . "
"Huh? What was that?" Twilight prompted, ignoring Spike's still muffled "Hello? I'm still back here."
Pinkie swallowed. Twilight leaned forward.
"TWITCHA-TWITCH!"
The force of Pinkie's outburst knocked Twilight down and slammed the barn door on poor Spike again. Twilight watched in complete consternation as Pinkie's hindquarters suddenly spazzed out as though they were separate from her body. With a squeal of "OH MUFFINS!" Pinkie dropped to the floor, legs splayed out, her eyes derped-out, and her tongue lolling out of her mouth.
And just as quickly her face snapped back to normal.
"Pinkie Pie?" Twilight stared at her. "What was that just now?"
"Twilight! Oh, Twilight, you gotta help me!" Pinkie words came out rapid-fire, the way they usually did when she got incredibly excited. "My Pinkie Sense--it's acting REALLY weird! Super-duper humongously weird!"
"I'll say!" By now Spike had disengaged himself from behind the door. "Holy guacamole, but that was random. Even for
you."
"Yeah, Pinkie," Twilight said. "Are you sick or something?"
"I don't know--I don't know!" Pinkie wailed, still sprawled out on the floor. "It just happened--just out of nowhere! I was at home playing with Gummy when my Pinkie Sense went crazy! It wasn't an ear-flop, or a knee-shake, or even a nose-twitch. Just my hind legs went bonkers!"
"Wow." Twilight stepped around to look her over. "Well, you don't seem to be hurt or anything. Do you feel any pain?"
"Oh nononono--no pain at all! In fact, I feel delightfully-wonderously-extra-estatically-totally mind-blowingly--" Suddenly Pinkie's hindquarters spazzed out, her body seized up again, she squealed, "CUPCAKES! OH CUP-CAKES!" and just then, just as before, she derped-out. A second later she was again back to a normal face.
Twilight and Spike gaped at her.
It was Twilight who finally stammered a response.
"B-b-by Starswirl’s beard--what in the wide, wide world of Equestria is wrong with you?!"
"I . . . oh wow,” Pinkie managed, panting heavily. "I sure wish I had a bubble pipe right about now."
Twilight blinked. "Well, I don't have one of those--"
"I do!" Spike interjected.
"Shush!" Twilight threw him a withering look. "Anyway, Pinkie," she stamped her hoof, "don't you worry. I'm your friend, and I'm going to help you! Now let's see," she said, glancing about at the many books in her library. "Spike, let's get to work!"
The little dragon saluted. "I'm on it!"
************************************************************************************************************************************************************Three hours later, neither Twilight nor Spike had found a solution to Pinkie's problem in her books.
"Argh!" Twilight screamed, using her magic to toss the book she'd been reading across the room. "There's nothing in here to help me!"
"C'mon, Twi, Pinkie's Pinkie Sense is not something you can find a remedy for in a book." Spike admonished, grabbing the book Twilight had just tossed aside. "I told you that. Almost three hours ago."
Frustrated, Twilight huffed. "I know, Spike. But you know I hate it when books fail me."
"Yeah," Spike replied sympathetically. "I know."
"OH--OH CHERRIES JUBILEE!" interjected Pinkie Pie.
Twilight, now accustomed to Pinkie's spasms, gazed sideways at her. "What was that--the 30th time you've done that so far?"
"I thought it was the 50th time," said Spike, thinking.
"Pinkie," Twilight trotted back to Pinkie and sat beside her, "I'm sorry, but I've looked through every book on maladies in this library, but I can't find the slightest way to help you." She suddenly looked very crestfallen. "I'm sorry. Please don't hate me."
"Oh, Twilight," Pinkie managed to sit up a little bit and flash one of those cute, optimistic smiles she was well-known for, "don't be so hard on yourself. You, too, Spike. You--you both are trying so hard. But I'll be fine! At least I'm not--" She stops mid-sentence. "AH--CHOCOLATE RAIN! CHO-CO-LATE RAIN!"
Twilight shook her head. "I'm suddenly craving all sorts of desserts right now." She gazed at the pink pony suspiciously for a moment. “And, by the way, Pinkie, that goofy smile you get whenever it happens is starting to freak me out a bit.”
"Yeah, tell me about it." Spike climbed down the ladder, then snapped his fingers. "Hey, Twilight! What about Zecora?
Can't she help?"
This made Twilight brighten up. "Hey, you're right! Pinkie's uncommon malady might be common knowledge for her!" Then she frowned. "But it's after 3am, and Luna knows I hate to disturb her right now.”
"But it's an emergency. Surely she'll understand."
Twilight looked over at Pinkie, whose latest outburst of "COOKIE DOUGH, COOKIE DOUGH, OH OH OH!" blew some of her mane into her eyes. Without skipping a beat, she blew the unruly lock of hair right back.
"All right. It's settled. I'll contact Zecora. Spike, please bring me that crystal ball she gave me a few days ago." She giggled and clapped her hooves together. "I've been wanting to try it out."
"Here you go." He placed it down in front of her.
"Okay." Twilight took a deep breath. "Now how do I activate this again--oh yeah!" She cleared her throat, and her horn glowed softly.
"Crystal ball, so sparkly and true,
Call up Zecora--cause I need you!"
Spike snorted. "Dude, what kind of chant is that?"
"Do you see a sonnet as my Cutie Mark?" Twilight snapped back.
"SKITTLES! TASTE THE RAINBOW!" squealed Pinkie.
The crystal ball clouded up, then the mist melted away to reveal the visage of a very weary-looking female zebra.
"What's this? This can't be right.
Pony, why disturb me in the dead of night?"
"Oh, Zecora, I'm sorry, but I need your help." She quickly filled Zecora in on Pinkie's predicament.
Zecora frowned, but out of concern, not anger.
"An illness you can’t cure with a book?
Dear me, I must take a look!"
Whispering a few words in her native tongue, Zecora made the crystal ball float around the prostrate pink pony. Twilight quirked an imaginary eyebrow.
"Well, that's different! Are you part unicorn?" she giggled.
Zecora chuckled back and continued to examine Pinkie from the crystal ball. A moment later she stopped the crystal at Pinkie's rear.
"Oh my, oh my, Pinkie dear,
The problem is in your rear."
"Her . . . rear?" Twilight cocked her head and glanced at Spike. He shrugged.
Zecora favored the dragon and unicorn with an amused grin.
"The pink one's ailment is quite unusual.
It's a problem that is mostly . . . sexual."
"W-WHAT?!" Spike’s jaw practically dropped to floor. Twilight, frozen in shock, began to sweat.
“Oh no,” she moaned.
"S'MORES! OHHHH--S'MORES!"
Zecora nodded.
"Yes, a special magic can solve this malady.
Twilight, seek out your friend Sultry."
"Sultry?” Twilight said, thinking of the Canterlot unicorn who regularly supplied her with books for her "special stash."
“Of course!” Spike nudged Twilight. “Something of that nature would be her expertise. Twi, you’d better get her.”
“Uh . . . yeah. Yeah, sure.” Twilight mumbled, half-dazed. “Thank you, Zecora,” she added as the zebra yawned, nodded, and made her image in the crystal wink out.
"Okay, so I'll—I’ll just talk to Sultry then." However, she hesitated.
Annoyed with Twilight’s hesitation, Spike poked her. "So contact her already! Sheesh," he muttered, suppressing a yawn.
"Well, it's just that . . . .” Twilight began.
“’It’s just’ what? What’s the problem, Twi?”
“OH-BANANA SPLIT WITH A CHERRY ON TOP! POP THE CHERRY! POP THE CHERRY!” screamed Pinkie.
Twilight began to whimper. “But Spike! You know that whenever I’m around her, I . . . I . . . “
Spike’s face took on a deadpan look. “You feel an overwhelming desire to knock hooves with her. So?”
Suddenly Twilight’s frantic visage was in his face. “So? SO?! Spike, I’m supposed to be a clear-headed pony! Logical. When I’m around Sultry, logic flies out the window—and so would my clothes if I were wearing any—but that’s beside the point!” She took a deep breath. “The fact is, the longer I’m around her, the longer I want to”—her eyes took on a crazed leer—“do things that I really shouldn’t . . . .”
“And yet you regularly buy those magazines--for the stash that you allegedly don’t have--from her bookstore,” Spike reminded her.
Twilight opened her mouth to say something more, but decided against it. Defeated, she sat down on her hindquarters and twiddled her front hooves.
“But—“she began.
“For the love of—look, Twilight. Sultry likes you. She’s into books; you’re into books--”
“I know!”
“Hey, if I weren’t interested in Rarity, I’d go for her.”
“You would?”
“Although . . . with Sultry I would actually have some use for that gimp suit I got from The Crop . . . .”
Twilight looked up. “You have a gimp suit?“
“Yeah.”
Pinkie’s head shot up. “You do?” Then—“HOORAY FOR THE CREAMY FILLING—WHEE!”
“But—“ Twilight continued, favoring Pinkie with a you-have-truly-lost-it-my-friend look, “aren’t you a bit young to—“
Spike just looked at her.
This made Twilight leap to her feet. “Seriously?! To quote Pinkie--ARE YOU LOCO IN THE COCO?!"
"I sure wish someone would go loco in my cocos," Pinkie wailed.
Hearing this made Twilight realize that she had more urgent concerns at the moment. "All right, I'll do it. Spike, leave the room please."
"Why?"
"You don’t need to be around for this!”
"Why are you so embarrassed? Oh--because I walked in on you that one time--"
"It was six times, Spike. SIX times!"
"It was an accident!"
"Um, guys," Pinkie chimed, climbing shakily to her feet, "hello? Pony over here in major duress--AH! CANDY CANE IN THE SWEET SPOT! GAH!"
“Uh-oh, it’s getting worse,” Twilight observed.
“You think?” Spike quipped.
“My, oh my,” a very breathy and very feminine voice murmured, “are we having an all-nighter?”
The library’s three occupants turned towards the sound of the voice. Standing in the doorway was a dark purplish-blue unicorn with a silver mane (pulled up into a half-ponytail) and tail with pink highlights, cyan-colored eyes, and a Cutie Mark consisting of a peacock feather with a bright red rose growing out of the opposite end. A saddlebag filled with books was strapped across her back.
“Sultry!” Twilight broke away from Spike and galloped up to the exotic-looking mare. “You’re here? But how did you—when did you—“
“Twilight-sweetie, I was in the vicinity, making a delivery.”
“A delivery?” Twilight watched as the unicorn sauntered into the room.
Sultry chuckled. “Of course, sweetie. You didn’t think you were my only customer, did you?” Then she turned and winked at her. “Though you are one of my favorites.”
Twilight blushed.
“Oooh,” Spike teased, appearing beside Twilight as if out of nowhere, “are you blushing?”
“No, I’m not!” she hissed.
“Yep, you are, you know,” Pinkie quipped.
“Pinkie!”
“Ahem.” Sultry interrupted. “We’ve never been . . . formally introduced, yes? You must be Spike. Hello.”
“Hi there!”
“And you,” Sultry continued, moving over to the prone pink pony, “must be the infamous Pinkie Pie I’ve heard so much about. How do you do?”
Pinkie giggled. “Hi! Nice to meet you. I’m actually doing quite well, except I keep wanting to—SAMPLE MY MUFFINS! SAMPLE THEM!” *Derp moment*
“Um . . . .” Sultry looked questioningly at Twilight.
Twilight emitted a nervous giggle. “She didn’t mean that.”
Spike shook his head. “I’m pretty sure she did.”
Twilight scowled. “Thanks, Spike, you’re the best,” she muttered dryly.
“Pony Clops.”
Both Twilight and Spike turned to look at Sultry. “I’m sorry—what?” Twilight asked.
“Pony Clops. This is clear case of Pony Clops,” Sultry answered, her horn glowing as she concentrated on Pinkie Pie.
“Whee! That tickles!” Pinkie giggled.
Spike scratched his head. “What’s Pony Clops?”
“It’s a rare magical malady,” Sultry explained, dispersing her spell. “It occurs in ponies who are . . . hyper-sensitive.”
“It does?” Twilight shook her head. “But Pinkie said it’s her Pinkie Sense going haywire.”
“Pinkie Sense?”
Twilight quickly explained what that was.
Sultry considered for a moment. “So this ‘Pinkie Sense’ warns you of things to come, is that right, Pinkie?”
“Yep!”
“Then your version of Pony Clops,” Sultry continued, “is doing just that—warning you.”
“But warning her of what?” Twilight chimed in. “Nothing disastrous has happened so far: no falling anvils, no falling into holes, no Derpy Hooves accidentally setting my tail on fire-“
“Hey, your hair grew back,” Spike reminded her.
Twilight swished her tail at him. “And frankly, Pinkie seems to be enjoying her episodes.”
Pinkie snorted. “Well, you would, too, if you could feel what I’m feeling!”
“Indeed.” Winking conspiratorially at Pinkie Pie, Sultry met Twilight’s gaze. “Well, we must do something, or this poor pony will eventually be driven mad.”
“Oh no,” Twilight moaned. “So, what can we do?”
Sultry tossed her mane and pretended to hesitate for a moment. “It seems we must help Pinkie achieve . . . Ultimate Satisfaction.”
Silence.
“You mean . . . .” Twilight gulped.
Sultry fluttered her eyelashes at her.
“Holy guacamole,” Spike breathed, “And this time I really mean it!”
Twilight’s knees began to shake, and one of her eyes began to twitch. “B-but Zecora s-said P-Pinkie had a m-magical malady!”
“She does, Twilight-sweetie, and magic can fix it. And who knows magic better than unicorns!”
“But how do we—“
“With this!” Sultry’s horn began glowing, and her saddlebag popped open. A shiny magazine entitled Clopsmopolitan floated out. On the cover was an image of the self-proclaimed “Great and Powerful Trixie” in a provocative pose. Underneath her was the title of an article that read: “Trixie’s 101 Magical Tips for Getting Your Stallion or Mare in the Mood.”
Twilight gasped. “Oh my gosh—is that the latest issue?! I mean,” she added quickly, trying her best to look nonchalant, “is that one of those magazines I’ve heard about but never read?”
Sultry nodded, throwing her a you’re-not-fooling-anypony look. Still using her magic, she flipped to the table of contents. Twilight, unable to resist the siren call of a book, drew up beside her. Almost immediately she began blushing again.
“Ah! Here we are!” Sultry’s magic flipped through the magazine and stopped at page 69. “Well, well, it seems Trixie’s not a complete fop. She actually listed the proper directions for casting the Blow Your Mind spell.”
Twilight read the directions. After a moment, she said, “It seems simple enough, but . . . “ She twitched nervously.
“But?” prompted the other unicorn.
Twilight shrugged in the best way that a pony could. “I don’t know if I can just . . . do that to somepony. Casting a spell is one thing, but this one is rather . . . intimate.”
“I see.” Sultry nodded sympathetically. “But don’t you want to help your friend?”
“OH-OH-WHIPPED CREAM EXPLOSION! AH!”
“Especially since if we don’t do something soon, Pinkie will become nothing more than a quivering mass of mindless ponyflesh,” Sultry added without missing a beat.
Twilight glanced over at her pink friend. “I . . . .”
“It’s-it’s okay, Twilight,” Pinkie panted, struggling to sit up, “I-I came to you for help, didn’t I? And if there’s anything you can do for me, then-then you just do it, okay? Besides, anypony who can put up with me in my present condition all night is okey-dokey in my book!”
“Aw, Pinkie,” Twilight sniffed. “That’s so sweet.” She took a deep breath and nodded. “All right. I’ll-I’ll do it. Spike, leave the room.”
“But you’re just going to cast a spell, right?”
“True, but this is intimate magic, little dragon,” Sultry reminded him gently, levitating him, placing him outside, and telekinetically shutting the door behind him. “Besides, this is a mare-only party.”
Satisfied that Spike was barred from the room, the two unicorns stood on either side of Pinkie Pie.
“Ready?” Sultry asked.
“Ready!” answered Twilight. “On three. One—two—three!”
The two unicorns’ horns began to glow.
Outside, Spike, resigned to his fate, propped himself against the side of the house. Moments later, he heard rumbling, voices shouting out a string of desserts with much gusto, and a *whoosh!* as a magical explosion rocked Twilight’s home.
The door flew open, and Spike ran back inside.
“Twilight?” he called, squinting to see through the magical smoke. “Are you okay? Pinkie Pie? Sultry?”
Then he saw, and couldn’t help shaking his head.
Sprawled out on the floor were three deliriously happy ponies.
Pinkie raised her head, grinning goofily. “Whoa! Now THAT was the doozy of all doozies!”
Twilight shook her head to clear it, also grinning. “You can say that again!”
“We really should do this again,” Sultry moaned, “and maybe try what’s on page 86.”
Spike chuckled. “So that must be what Pinkie’s Pinkie Sense was warning her about.” He sighed. “Mares.”
*********************************************************************************************************************************************
Some time later Twilight mustered up the energy to write a letter:
Dear Princess Celestia,
I learned today that a true friend does whatever she can to help somepony out,
And that she shouldn’t be ashamed if it’s a bit . . . unconventional.
. . . . I also learned that Pinkie Pie truly does have a libido like you wouldn’t believe!
I mean, wow.
And for the record, Your Highness, we unicorns are pretty awesome, if you know what I mean. *wink*
Your Faithful Student,
Twilight Sparkle
