The Bard’s Equestrian Tale

by Ficstrider

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Crossover, Human
Length: 1700

The Bard ends up in Equestria and now having an important mission - to deal with his hangover. Oh, and find a way out, of course.

It’s a story about a man who’s travelling by his own. He doesn’t want to be a hero or save the world, and he wouldn’t even take a kitten off a tree. His preferences are mundane and simple: coin and cleavage. That’s what he’s looking for.
His name has been forgotten many years ago, or maybe he never has it. Those few drunkards he’s occasionally spending time with usually call him simply: the Bard.
He would probably end his life in some roadside ditch as it should be, but sometimes things tend to change dramatically.

After a crazy drinking contest with eleven black mages and one green kunaltrow at once he found himself into a place he has never been before. What will he does immediately? Try and find a local pub with delicious beer to compensate the last night of course!

And now, with a cruel hangover and the ability to break the 4th wall our Bard is starting his quest.

A crossover story between MLP and The Bard's Tale.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-19 18:00:03 UTC

Hangover among the talking horses. Just a freakin’ dream come true.

“That last mug certainly was unnecessary...”

A dark-haired man muttered a curse while trying to place his body in a vertical position. His meager belongings were scattered all over the place, but he didn’t pay much attention to them. Right now all he wanted to do is stand up and find some beverage with the precious alcohol in it.

In short, he disgraced himself already and on top of that, somehow ended up in the another world. Why I’m not surprised...

“Ugh, it’s you again. FYI I beat them in their own game. It wasn’t really hard and I… wait a second... Another world?!”

In case you didn’t notice, you’re in the middle of a cartoon-styled valley. As far as I know it’s not really common back at home.

“Can I set aside my sorrows for the Dark Alliance Engine for a while? My head is killing me, so I have to find something alcoholic.”

As if I ever had any doubts in it.

“Oh, shut up!”

The Bard finally rose to his feet and looked around. Yeah, it certainly wasn’t a mundane landscape he used to see. But visual experience was the last things that our ‘hero’ cared about. He needed to find something that will cure his headache.

With the help of all of his intellectual potential (which couldn’t be measured by these primal IQ tests prior to it’s uniqueness) the Bard understood his prime goal. His brilliant mind made an assumption that if he needed to take care of his hangover, he must start to looking for a pub or a tavern, because exactly these reputable institutions usually tend to serve noble drinks for…

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. You’ve tried to be sarcastic. Cut to the chase, already.”

Pff… Fine. So, the Bard set up his point of destination and went in search for a nearest watering hole.

“Much better. Wish I had a map since I have no idea where to go… but who cares actually. I will find a right destination anyway. I’m the main character after all, so I wouldn’t be lost”

Ten minutes later...

***

“Hey, I can see a town from here. It’s rather small but they’ve definitely got a pub in there. Every single settlement should has a watering hole, ‘cause you can’t find a place more important than this.”

The Bard was hanging on a tree, tensely peering into the distance.

“Now I just need to carefully get down. I can do it.”

And he did it. Easily.

“Why I have a feeling that you’ve prepared something nasty to me?”

W-what are you talking about? I haven’t prepared anything! Nothing at all!

The Bard shaked his head mistrustfully, then grabbed a bag with all his stuff and headed towards the island of civilization.

It wasn’t really far away, so he reached the edge of the town in five or so minutes.

Cross-country walking was a familiar thing to the Bard since he had been forced to leave an another settlement really often, because of his irredeemable behavior. Getting drunk and cause property damage, starting a brawl outside a tavern, or trying to seduce a young lady, who is actually a daughter of some well-born baron or a daffy old man with a huge crossbow - these fits were making his life more complicated. But apparently, taught him nothing.

‘Alright, I’m here. Hm, it doesn’t look like any other town I’ve seen so far. Maybe it belongs to kunalthrows… In that case I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that my mug would be filled with some hootch, instead of legit beer or ale. But honestly, I wouldn’t mind it at all. Right now I’m ready to drink anything that will help me with this hangover.’

The Bard was just about to find someone and ask about the path to the nearest bar, when he suddenly saw two pastel-colored ponies, walking near him and seemingly paying no attention to our hero.

He approached that pair and started to examine them intensely. By this point they finally noticed him. To say that they were scared means to say nothing..

They were freaked out beyond measure, for crying out loud!

But the Bard ignored their fear (though I’m not sure if he even noticed it) and was thinking only about his plans, which apparently were sinister.

“I wonder if these horses are tasty? I haven’t eaten for ages and now ready to gobble up even the horseflesh.”

Yup, definitely sinister.

“P-please… c-creat-ture from the woods… please, don’t eat us.” One of them, a blue-coated unicorn finally spoke.

The Bard slowly raised his head and looked up to the sky.

“The land, inhabited by talking ponies? Seriously?”

Well, yeah… why are you asking anyway?

“You know, I’d better say nothing.”

The Bard turned to the frightened ponies, who seems like already saw themselves as a pair of steaks and said:

“I’m sure you don’t know who I am. Am I right?”

They both nodded synchronously, with their eyes fixed on him.

“I’m the Bard, a man who had made a name in all of the known world. I’d been fighting with the most dreadful and powerful creatures that ever existed under this sky. And they hadn’t had a single chance against me. Many people know me as the Bard the Deathbringer, or the Bard the Invincible.”

Saying all of this with a straight face should have been almost impossible for our hero. But there he was - bragging and boasting in front of the pair of ponies, who were so scared that didn’t even understand what the heck he was talking about.

“...and after that I had became a king of this land. But enough about my labors; it’d take a lot of time and I don’t have it. For now, I’ve got some things to do. Speaking of which, do you know where is the nearest pub here? I’d like to get some ale or beer..”

They remained silent.

“Ah, come on. Do not tell me you didn’t have it in this town, ‘cause I wouldn’t believe anyway.”

One of the ponies, a mint-green pegasus with purple irises decided to break the silence.

“Um… If you don’t mind me asking… what is this ‘ale’ and ‘beer’ you’re talking about?”

The Bard’s eyes widened when he realised, how dreadful was the question that had been asked to him.

“Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I don’t believe I heard that one right. You want to tell that there is no ale or beer in this place? Like - not at all?”

“I’m afraid so. Please, don’t kill me.”

The Bard was on the edge of despair when suddenly a brilliant idea came to his mind: there were also other beverages, which contained alcohol!

What a brilliant thought...

“Okay, then what kind of booze you do have? And if you’d say that this is the land of abstainers...”

The other pony quickly said:

“We’ve got apple cider! I don’t know if it could be defined as… um… ‘booze’ but it certainly something that you’re looking for. Usually we are purchasing this at the Sweet Apple Acres farm right the-”

The Bard rushed towards the direction that pony showed to him, not caring anymore about his hapless interlocutors. His main priority remained unaffected, so he still needed to achieve it.

***

Sweet Apple Acres, afternoon

***

“Look, pal. All I need is some apple cider, okay? I don’t have money, but I’m sure you will be glad to give some of it for free to such an honorable guest like…ouch! You son of a..!”

The Bard shaked his head, while trying to get back on his feets after a powerful buck, which comes from the tall, read-coated stallion. He looked very determined and definitely had a desire to kick the intruder’s ass.

“So, you wanna fight, eh? Okay, I’ll show you some stuff you will be remembering for the rest of your life, if you’d still have it, of course.”

The Bard quickly opened his bag and shoved a hand inside. When he pulled out from there an empty scabbard, his face expression turned from “I’ll show ya!” to “please, don’t hurt me!” in no time.

“Where the hell is my sword?!”

Memory troubles? You traded it to the mug of suspicious-looking booze back in Kirkwall. I told you not do it, but you’ve been very categorical about it.

“Blast it! Wait, then what about my lute?”

As always, you’d forgotten to chop some woods for a bonfire. And this lute was wooden and really dry.

“Just wonderful. How’d I suppose to be the Bard without a musical instrument?”

Not a bad problem to have, since you was a crappy musician anyway. Oh, and if I was in your shoes I’d cared more about that stallion, who’s charging into your direction. Well, if could survive that smell coming from your boots, of course.

“I’m so friggin’ screwed” said the Bard and prepared to receive the most painful hit he had ever experienced.

“Big Mac, wait!”

Both of the combatants… no, that won’t cut it. Hmm, let’s see… Oh, I know.

The combatant and the dunce turned their heads toward the sound. There were seven ponies, running to the farm. One of them was a little filly, who actually didn’t run. Instead, she was sitting on the back of an orange-coated mare in the hat.

“Great. The cavalry has arrived. Although I can’t see the horsemen. Oh, well - I guess you don’t need ‘em anyway.”

The ponies stopped near the Bard. For a several seconds none of them was saying a word. They were carefully examining a strange creature, ‘cause they never saw anything like this before.

Finally one of them, an alicorn…

“Who?”

An alicorn. A pony with both…

“Wings and horn. And super-duper magic powers! And also she’s a princess!”

Wait… you can talk to me too?

“Well, duh. Why don’t I?”

The Bard chuckled:

“I’d say something about the situation is becoming more entertaining, but it’d be too cliche. But, who cares anyway?

This is gonna be fun!”

You don’t say…