The Pony Project

by Palm Palette

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6
Length: 58940

The mane six are given the enigmatic task of "making ponies."

The mane six are given the enigmatic task of "making ponies." Twilight interprets this as meaning that they need to have children. Will any of them manage to complete the task? Will they even bother to try?

Published 2013-09-26 04:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-26 04:10:03 UTC

The Pony Project

The Pony Project

Meanwhile, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were on their way to Sugarcube Corner to get a bag of flour. It was part of their latest plan to get their cutie marks: crop dusting.

***

Twilight Sparkle was organizing her old, broken quills by shape and size in the hopes that she could spot a pattern and perhaps find a way to invent the perfect, indestructible quill. Beakers of various bubbling substances lined her workbench for the next phase of the project. Twilight was wearing a lab coat and goggles and levitated a pair of tongs nearby. She sniffed at the air above one of the beakers. It smelled like science.

Ah yes, the aroma of discovery. She was about to make a breakthrough, she could just feel it. Giddy with anticipation, she carefully grasped the beaker with her tongs. This next part would be very delicate-

Slam.

She flinched and the beaker tipped over. Yellow and green smoke wafted from the table. Twilight abandoned her plans and frantically looked around for a neutralizer to that concoction. She had to act quick before the entire table dissolved. Her brow furrowed in concentration.

“Hey, Twilight,” Spike said as he walked into the room. The door leading into the basement was at the top of a set of stairs. He took two steps and his cheek bulged and he let loose a great big belch of green fire. “Wa-woah!” he cried out as he lost his balance and came tumbling down the stairs. There as a 'crunch' as he landed squarely on his back. Twilight poured a clear liquid on the chemical fire and and white smoke wafted in response. When the smoke cleared, she frowned as she looked at the ruined mess of her workbench. She'd stopped the reaction, but it'd left a glassy trough in her table.

“Spike?” she asked as she turned her attention away from disaster. It was still a bit hazy in the room and she didn't spot him right away. “Spike?” she asked again. She looked around, and then down and found him at the bottom of the stairs. An open letter drifted down and landed on his nose. Twilight picked it up and glanced at it while Spike moaned. Spike shook his head and tried to right himself, but failed. His spines were quite thoroughly stuck in the wooden floor.

“A little help please?” Spike asked. He pushed against the floor as hard as he could but couldn't free himself. Twilight rolled up the letter and grabbed Spike with her front hooves. After a moment of struggling, he popped free and went flying. Twilight reared backwards and nearly fell over but she steadied herself with her wings. Spike landed neatly on her back. “Oof.” He grabbed the letter from the air and unrolled it to read for himself.

“Make some ponies?” Twilight puzzled over that odd request, “What in Equestria do you think she means by that?” she asked Spike. As much as she wanted to clean up the mess and get back to science, a letter from Celestia took precedence. She climbed up the stairs and left the basement carrying Spike with her.

“I don't know, but perhaps you should ask the others? According to this they all have to do it too.” Spike said.

***

Big adventure awaited Rainbow Dash in the sky. The cyan pegasus pony with a rainbow-colored mane and tail had spent all morning and most of yesterday arranging clouds into a makeshift obstacle course. She planned to spend the afternoon practicing her moves for the Wonderbolts – after she'd finished her nap, of course.

“Rainbow Dash!” Twilight called out and tried to find a safe place to enter the cloud layer. She failed.

Popping up greet Rainbow Dash, Twilight tripped on a barrel cloud knocked it over. “Woah!” She tried to keep her footing, but the barrel started rolling. She ran to keep her balance, but that only made it roll faster. This roll cloud barreled straight into the obstacle course. It collided with another barrel, and they stuck together and kept rolling. More and more clouds kept getting stuck and assimilated as the blob moved on.

“My obstacle course!” Rainbow dash shouted in horror as her hard work balled up and rolled away.

“Rainbow Dash!” a muffled voice came out of the rolling disaster.

“Hold on Twilight, I'm coming.” Rainbow Dash pumped her wings and streaked through the air. In a blink, she dove into the cloud and extracted Twilight. The huge cloud ball slowed down but it still had a lot of momentum. It crashed against the finish line in a huge flash of thunder.

Rainbow Dash winced at the sound and held Twilight tight. Twilight blushed in embarrassment (probably) and wiggled free to resume flight on her own. “Thanks, Rainbow dash,” Twilight said. “Sorry I wrecked your...” Twilight couldn't recognize it from its ruins.

“My obstacle course?” Rainbow Dash's frown clearly showed her irritation. “You-” She was about to yell at Twilight but her eye twitched briefly and she smiled instead. “Twilight, It's great to see you up here. Finally get tired of those dusty old books and come out to enjoy some fresh air?” she asked.

“Ah-” Twilight paused. “Well, it is nice, but I'd prefer to fly low until-”

“Surprise!” The surviving cloud below them suffered a catastrophic failure as it erupted into confetti. Amidst the debris, a bright pink pony with poofy pink hair floated up to greet them. Pinkie pie was wearing an over sized pair of 'wings' fashioned entirely out of balloons. “That looked like tons of fun,” she said. She was very hyper. “You popped up to say 'hi' and tripped and got things rolling and the obstacles were accumulating and you turned the obstacle course into an obstacle-cumulus cloud!” Kra-koom. The balled up mess thundered again. “Obsta-cumulus thundercloud,” Pinkie corrected. It looked like it might start to rain. Pinkie Pie started to drift closer to it and uselessly flailed her legs in protest. “Ehyee,” Pinkie inhaled and made a nervous smile.

“Let me take care of this obsta-cumulus thunderus and you can get Pinkie Pie back down to earth.” Rainbow Dash pointed at the mess and Twilight nodded in response.

“Sure. Meet us at the library when you're finished,” Twilight said. She then bit Pinkie's tail and pulled her downwards towards Ponyville.

Rarity greeted them at the boutique dress shop. It was said that she possessed a beautiful heart. Well, she said it. She's a white unicorn with a stylish purple mane. She took one look at them and said, “Oh dear.” She disappeared into the shop while Twilight tried to talk some sense into Pinkie pie.

“Pimkie,” Twilight mumbled. It was hard to talk with a tail in her mouth, “Make 't off.”

“Make toff? What's toff?” Pinkie asked. Before Twilight could clarify her request, Rarity reappeared levitating a needle alongside her. Silently, she sent it towards Pinkie. With careful precision, she threaded the needle past all of the balloons and tied a string around Pinkie Pie. The other end she wrapped around the mailbox allowing Twilight to let go.

“Well, I guess that works too.” Twilight said.

“Now really, Pinkie, you look ridiculous in that outfit of yours. Why the colors simply don't match at all. Hmm...” Rarity furrowed her brow in thought.

“Well, it wasn't for the looks, well, I mean, it was, but I was the one who wanted to do the looking if you know what I mean.” Pinkie Pie wafted in the breeze and wiggled her legs around uselessly again. “Ehyee.”

“Rarity, Pinkie Pie,” Twilight said, “I've gotten a rather puzzling letter from Celestia, and it's addressed to all of us.”

“Oh dear, is something wrong?” Rarity asked. “Oh something is! Something just dreadful!” Rarity looked at Twilight's hair and saw just how frazzled it had gotten from being too close to lightning.

“No, I don't think so,” Twilight replied, but her thoughts were cut off as Rarity tackled her mane with an over-sized brush. Twilight knew it was useless to protest, and flushed in embarrassment (probably) as Rarity tamed her mane. “Thanks, Rarity. You're always one to make a good appearance. Could you...” Twilight trailed off a bit as she looked at Pinkie Pie's balloon suit. “Could you bring Pinkie Pie and meet us at the library? Rainbow Dash should be there soon but I still need to get Applejack and Fluttershy.”

“Hmm, sure.” Rarity puzzled over Pinkie Pie again. “Ide~ea,” she proclaimed. “I think I can just make that work. I just need to get some socks and some streamers...” she was thinking out loud.

“Yay, streamers!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed. Twilight frowned in disapproval.

“Don't worry Twilight,” Rarity placated. “This won't take long at all. We won't keep you waiting.”

Twilight had her doubts, but it wasn't as if the letter was urgent or anything like that. It was a fairly long walk from the boutique to the apple orchard. At least Fluttershy's cottage was fairly close to the farm. Hmm, walk. Twilight really should exercise her wings a bit more. She'd stay close to the ground this time.

Faithful and strong, the freckled orange Earth pony Applejack stared slack-jawed at her bleach-white corn field. “Just what in tarnation are those fillies up to?” she said. Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo were carefully covering each and every corn stalk with a fine coating of flour. Applejack wasn't sure whether she should intervene or just watch. Were they expecting some kind of cutie mark from this? They had to be, but what would it look like? Bleached corn? (Like that would even show up on Sweetie Belle's flank).

Twilight landed nearby. “Applejack, could you-” Twilight looked past Applejack and couldn't help but watch as the fillies worked. “Huh, so that's what Apple Bloom wanted that book of obscure farming techniques for. It's good to see such young ponies taking an interest in pre-equestrian history.”

“That's not any kind of farming technique that ai dun heard of.” Applejack mumbled her words with an overly thick accent. “And we Apples keep records that go back generations.”

“You wouldn't have heard of this. The book was written by a pegasus – Private Hailstone,” Twilight explained.

“No high-falootin' pegasus could possibly know anything worth knowing about farming.” Applejack blurted out.

“Actually, he did manage to farm something. But he only managed a single harvest all year and had to resort to some strange practices to even get that much. He was stubborn and independent and worked alone so on top of that, he made his own weather too.”

“That- Wha? Why would he do something like that?” Applejack scratched her chin. She was cautiously curious.

“Way back when the pony tribes were still divided, Sergent Hailstone (he had a higher rank then) never liked the fact that their food supply depended on the tributes of Earth ponies. He always felt like they were holding out and saved the best food for themselves. When he felt like he'd been slighted, he'd whip up damaging storms to punish them. One day, he went too far and ruined half the corn harvest with hoof-sized hail.

“That didn't go over well go over well with his superiors and he was demoted. In response, he left the tribe to run his own farm. After all, he'd seen it done countless times. Stubborn and suspicious he took over an abandoned farm in a hidden valley. The Earth ponies that originally lived there had to leave because a landslide made the plot inaccessible from the river and it was too much work to haul their crops over the mountain to get them to market.

“Private Hailstone wouldn't have that problem because he could fly. He sure couldn't farm though. Year after year his crops kept failing and he mostly subsisted on what he could graze. He encountered a lot of problems that he never even thought possible. The few Earth ponies who didn't just slam their doors in his face when he came to them for advice would just shrug and shake their heads. As Earth ponies, they had a way of working the land that not even they understood and no pegasus could hope to duplicate. But still, he persisted.

“He was thin, and ragged. If he could find a way to harvest even a third as much as the Earth ponies could, than that would at least match the portion of food the pegasus got from their tithe. That would allow for the formation of colonies independent of the other tribes. To that end he developed, by insight or luck, several techniques that overcame the obstacles he faced, sort of. These allowed his farm to... function. Almost. In the end he could never get the yield up enough to make the project worthwhile. His best harvest was less than a tenth of what the Earth ponies could do and nearly four times short of his goal.

“The pegasus ponies were disappointed, but still recognized the military importance of being able to run their own farms if the Earth ponies ever turned on them. Thus, these farming techniques were carefully preserved and archived for future generations of pegasus.”

“That's a great history lessen and all, Twilight, but that don't explain why my sister is trying them out,” Applejack said.

“Hmm, good point. All that history stuff is explained quite well in the summary chapter. If she'd read it she'd know how silly it is to try them on a farm run by Earth ponies.” Twilight squinted her eyes a bit and peered at the fillies. “Come to think of it they're doing the crop dusting all wrong. That's nothing like the technique described in intricate detail in the book.”

“Ai wouldn't put it past her to just look at the index and jump to conclusions.” Applejack knew her sister quite well. “She doesn't have much patience for real book learning and prefers to go by experience.”

“Well in that case, you may want to step in soon. It looks like they've gone from crop dusting to flank dusting and the next chapter's on crop rotation.” Applejack bit her lip when Twilight said that. She started walking down to the corn field, but paused.

“Say Twilight? Wasn't there something you were going to ask me about?”

“What? Oh no! How could I have forgotten? This is terrible! The others could be waiting.” Twilight hopped up and down on the tips of her hooves as if she were pacing in place. “Ooh, what if this is really important? What if the future of Ponyville's in danger? What if the future of all of Equestria's in danger!?” Twilight was really starting to spaz out now. She bared all of her teeth in a goofy frown and her eyes shrunk to beads and drifted in opposite directions.

“Whoa, whoa, easy there Twilight.” Applejack placed a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. Immediately, Twilight stopped what she was doing and closed her eyes. She raised a hoof as she took a deep breath and extended it as she exhaled. This calmed her down immensely, but her eyes constricted again and her breathing was a little shallow. “What were you going to ask me?” Applejack repeated.

“I've gotten a rather confusing request from Princess Celestia. Could you please meet me at the library so I can explain it with the others? I still need to see Fluttershy but the others are on their way.” Twilight twitched. “Oh, I can't believe I was rambling on about ancient history while the rest could already be waiting.”

“Shure ai'll be there lickety-split. Just let me talk to Apple Bloom and-” Applejack's eyes went wide as she saw what the fillies were up to. She raced down that hill so fast she nearly lost her cowpony hat – but managed to catch it on her tail. “Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle stop! It's not supposed to bend that way!”

Twilight watched her friend run off and paused to look at the sky. Several pegasus were scavenging the remains of the obsta-cumulus to remove any building grade clouds that they could. It was more like a deconstruct-stratus cloud now. Rainbow Dash wasn't there, so Twilight hurried on in search of Fluttershy. It was past early morning now so she'd be done with breakfast – which was good since animals tended to get irritable when their meal time was interrupted. It could be bad though, since Fluttershy tended to wander off afterwards and could be hard to find.

Fortunately, she didn't have to search. Fluttershy was presiding over an argument between Shoeshine and a Pink Flamingo. Twilight didn't arrive in time to catch what the argument was about but the ruined pink cowpony hat was a big clue. Normally, Fluttershy would translate for the animal since she understood them better than any other pony but those two were just huffing and glaring at each others eyes.

“Well I know just what you need:” Fluttershy spoke up, “a great big hug to apologize and make everything better.” With that she wedged herself between them than wrapped her forelegs around them and pulled them together in a great big, awkward hug. Fluttershy had a way of sharing kindness that could melt even the most hardened of hearts. Shoeshine and the flamingo couldn't stay mad after that and hung their heads and averted their eyes.

While neither of them were truly happy with abandoning their grudge, the price for picking the argument back up would be to make Fluttershy unhappy and neither of them wanted to do that. Shoeshine apologized, and the flamingo shook wing-to-hoof in agreement. They'd decided to accept that resolution and move on.

“Great work Fluttershy.” Twilight trotted up. “That's one way to end an argument. If you could be assertive like that more often you'd be a great leader.”

“Um, I guess, not really though.” She squeaked and scootched backwards.

“Ah, you're right,” Twilight reluctantly agreed, “but you do have to admit that was a great way to end an argument.”

“Yeah.” Fluttershy smiled at the compliment. Her voice was soft and calm. It was a fitting match for the yellow pegasus and her long pink mane.

“Will you come with me back to the library? I've gotten an odd request from Celestia and all of friends need to participate too,” Twilight asked.

“Hrm? Of course I'll come. I'll do anything for the princess.” Fluttershy walked along in quiet contemplation then suddenly stopped. Her eyes shrunk and she nervously said, “Anything that doesn't involve big, mean, scaly, fire breathing-”

“I assure you, this is nothing like that.” Twilight cut her off.

“Oh. Well, in that case, I'll do anything for the princess.” Fluttershy repeated. Twilight rolled her eyes at the lack of sincerity her friend had just displayed. When the library came into view, Twilight sparked her horn and teleported both of them the rest of the way there. ”Eep.” Fluttershy hopped in surprise.

Opening the door, Twilight saw Rainbow Dash. She and Spike were making book forts. “Arr, yer encyclo-torpedo's breached our hull. We're literary taking on water!” Rainbow Dash's horrible book puns had Spike rolling on the floor laughing. Rainbow Dash looked a bit scorched and her mane was in much more disarray than usual. Twilight wasn't sure whether that was from playing a bit rough with the fire-breathing dragon or taking down that thunderstorm cloud before it could start raining. The library was still intact, (if a bit messy), so probably the latter.

“Spike,” Twilight said, “put those books away. The others will be here soon.”

“Oh, I don't mind the mess,” Fluttershy said softly. She dragged a hoof on the floor and looked around as Spike got to work. “I can help if you want.”

“Sure-” Spike agreed but Twilight cut him off.

“That's alright Flutershy, though I'm sure Spike appreciates the gesture.” Spike snorted at that. “The letter from the princess is more important though. Take a seat, I'll be right back.” There weren't any seats in the library. Fluttershy awkwardly sat on the floor while Spike walked around her carrying piles of books. Twilight went upstairs to retrieve the letter from her room. Once Twilight left, Rainbow Dash gave Spike a wink and started gathering up books as well. The doorbell rang and Fluttershy got up to answer it.

“Greetings Rarity. My, what a lovely outfit,” Fluttershy complimented.

“Oh, thank you, Fluttershy.” Rarity was wearing a large light blue brimmed hat, a pair of sunglasses and a short, frilly skirt. “It's part of my new summer fashion design series.” Rarity looked at the door, then looked up and gave a light tug on the string she was holding. “Um.”

Fluttershy poked her head outside and looked up. “Woah.” Rarity was holding a giant balloon float. It was bright pink, covered in streamers, and sparkled in the morning sun. The pink, pony mannequin was held aloft by giant balloon wings. Pieces of cloth carefully attached even gave the impression of feathers. That mannequin was very lifelike. It almost looked like it moved. Fluttershy squinted against the sun, blinked and rubbed her eyes. “Pinkie?” She asked.

“Whooo, Whooo!” Pinkie cried out. “I'm flooaating. Isn't this just great? Look at me. Wheee.” Pinkie playfully trotted in place. This sent the streamers on her stockings swirling in response.

“What?” Rainbow Dash set down her books to open a window and look out. Even Spike stopped his chores and ran outside. “Wow, Pinkie. You look awesome,” Rainbow Dash said.

Twilight Sparkle came downstairs and teleported outside to see what was going on. She appeared next to Rarity and looked up. “That's amazing.” Twilight smiled at the sight. The rest of them were smiling too, and Pinkie Pie let out a great, big, grin.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you,” Pinkie said. “The balloons were my idea but Rarity spent all morning sprucing them up and now I look splend-a-rif-i-float-i-tacious awesome-tacklular!” Pinkie spread her forelegs wide with that statement and sent confetti raining below. “Once we're done here, I'll get Rarity to take me through town. She can show off her new fashion design and I can get every pony to look up and smile.”

“That's great and all Pinkie,” Twilight said, “but how are you going to get inside?”

Pinkie Pie blinked. “Magic?” She asked.

“That outfit won't even fit in the library,” Twilight replied.

“Eh, heh. Why don't we just met outside instead?” Rarity asked.

“Well, we could do that,” Twilight conceded, “but haven't you been wearing that all morning? That looks rather uncomfortable. Isn't that starting to get sore?” Pinkie Pie tugged at the straps. Red lines on her pink hide were clearly visible where the harness had been digging against her skin.

“Well why didn't you say anything?” Rarity asked. “Let me add some padding and make that more comfortable.” Rarity levitated a pillow out of the library and tore it open to remove the stuffing. Twilight gasped and frowned at that.

“Hey, thanks – but a little bit of pain is nothing for a whole town full of bright big smiles,” Pinkie said. Pinkie's tummy rumbled. “Uh, I guess I am a wee bit hungry too.”

“Not a problem,” Rarity said. She sniffed at Twilight's flower box and then tore a plant out of the ground without asking and levitated it up for Pinkie to grab. Twilight just sighed as Rarity continued to destroy her property.

Pinkie Pie grabbed the flower and then suddenly crossed all of her legs. “Um, I need to pee,” She said. Twilight walked off to the side so as not to be standing directly underneath Pinkie. Rarity, defeated, pulled out an umbrella. “Just get me down!” Pinkie cried out.

Reluctantly, Rarity pulled on the string and dragged Pinkie down to the ground. Once Pinkie took it off, it was perfectly clear just how fragile the outfit really was. If they wanted to put something like that together again it would probably be better to just start over from scratch. Still, most pieces would be salvageable. Rarity tied it off to Twilight's mailbox. As soon as she was free, Pinkie Pie dashed off to the little fillies room. She dropped the flower though, which Rarity caught with her magic as she followed Pinkie inside.

Her giant hat was too big for the doorway though and got stuck. It fell off as she walked in. Rarity turned around to pick it up with her mouth but Applejack came bursting in at that moment. Applejack was covered in flour and had a corn cob stuck in her hair. The cowpony hat she normally wore was draped over her tail. Applejack paused in the entrance briefly to scuff her hooves – turning Rarity's hat into a soiled, crumpled mess.

“Sorry ai'm late y'all,” Applejack said. “You wouldn't believe the trouble some fillies get into. Hey, Rarity, am ai glad to see you. Do you think you could do me a favor real quick and mend this hole in poor ol Brimbrim?” Applejack reached over to bite her hat off her tail and held it up so the hole was visible. Rarity's narrowed her eyes and twisted her face in an incredibly sour frown. “Aw, it's not so bad really. Ol Brimmy just got caught up in the argument so to speak. But ai just had to stop them from doing any grafting.” Rarity's eyes narrowed further and her face scrunched up.

“Wow, today's just a bad day for hats,” Fluttershy said and held up the crumpled remains of Rarity's headpiece.

Applejack looked at the results of her destruction. “Whoops. Was that yours Rarity? Ai'm sorry. Ai thought that was a doormat.”

“Hrrmph.” Rarity snorted and swung her head up in disgust.

With the doorway clear, Twilight walked in and changed the topic. “But Applejack, grafting's a perfectly valid farming technique. They use it all the time up in the Matterhoof vineyards.”

“And them mountain folk can keep their crazy technique to themselves,” Applejack spat out. “Ain't no way ai'm going to just sit around and let poor Bloombark get cut up an turned into some sort of freaky Frankentree.”

“Bloomberg? Didn't we take that tree to Appleoosa?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Not Bloomberg. Bloombark. The tree growing next to Bloombilly, Bloombumpkin, Bloomloop...” Before Applejack could finish reciting the names of every tree on Sweet Apple Acres, there was a flushing noise and Pinkie Pie returned to the room looking much relieved. She snatched the flower out of the air that Rairity had picked for her and ate it. Spike saw that and stopped putting books away. He left for the kitchen to get some real food and drinks. Fluttershy dropped Rarity's used doormat hat and walked over to Pinkie Pie to rub some ointment on her bruises.

“Hey, that tickles.” Pinkie giggled.

“Well, we're all here,” Twilight said. She held up the letter to read aloud. “Ahem;

“Dear Princess Twilight,

You and your friends simply must make ponies for next year's Summer Sun Celebration. Be sure to get started right away.

Yours truly,
Princess Celestia”

“Make ponies?” Several of them echoed.

“What do you suppose she means by that?” Rarity asked.

“We can't just create ponies from scratch,” Pinkie Pie said. “Or maybe you can? Can you just create ponies by mixing things in a lab?”

“That would be a disaster,” Rainbow Dash said.

“And unethical,” Fluttershy added. Spike returned from the kitchen with some snacks. Fluttershy grabbed a juice box to sip on. Applejack took a piece of toast and apple jam while Rarity took a bunch of grapes. Pinkie Pie scooped up an entire basket of muffins and Rainbow Dash also grabbed a juice box. Twilight Sparkle took what was left: a banana.

“Thanks, Spike. You're always so thoughtful. It's great to have an assistant like you.” Spike beamed from Twilight's praise.

Applejack lifted her head after spreading the jam on her toast. “Well shoot, we could just draw ponies or something.” She showed everyone there a crude jam profile of a pony.

“An art project?” Rarity asked. “That seems much more reasonable. Why, I could doll up my mannequins with so much clothes that you couldn't tell if there was a real pony underneath or not.” She rubbed a hoof against her chin and looked up thoughtfully. “Why if I do it right, I can debut a new fashion line as well. It'd be like making ponies and making ponies fabulous at the same time.”

“Now that's a sense of business that ya can sink yer teeth in,” Applejack said. “Pony-shaped apple fritters, apple pies, and all kinds of apple-tastic treats to sell for the Apple family.”

“Well, I've got much higher aspirations.” Rainbow Dash cut in. “I've been working on some cloud sculptures as part of my training for the Wonderbolts. So uh, I'll just refine the technique so I can make cloud ponies in the blink of an eye. With an entire sky full of cloud ponies that'll be sure to catch some attention. Yes. I can just see it now. Rainbow Dash – sky pony extraordinaire.”

“Well, I'm not much of an artist,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, I appreciate art, a lot, but I'm not very good at it myself – and the animals don't – oh, I know. I can ask the beavers to carve pony figurines from the trees they cut down.” Fluttershy paused and looked down. “It'd give them something to do other than build dams where they don't belong.”

“That's a nice, practical idea,” Applejack said. “Ai like it. What about you, Pinkie? Are you going to make balloon-ponies?”

“Nah, I think I'll bake them all into cupcakes,” Pinkie-Pinkamena Diane Pie-Pie said.

“Wha-” Applejack was so confused she couldn't even form a question.

“Well, you are what you eat right? So I figure that if I bake cupcakes for ponies to eat - I'm essentially baking them into cupcakes, in a way. And I'll make so many cupcakes that I can give one to each pony in town.” Pinkie scratched some math out on her hooves and frowned. “But I can't do it all at once, and I'd need so many cupcakes that I'd probably have to keep baking them all day. I know! I'll have every pony stop by and take a number. That way they wouldn't have to sit at the stall all day – and when their number comes up, I'll bake them into a cupcake!”

“Aw, but I want a cupcake too.” Spike said.

“Every pony – and dragon,” Pinkie Pie added. Spike nodded at that. Pinkie Pie made great cupcakes. He'd let her 'bake him into a cupcake' any time she wanted.

“That's an... existential kind of performance art? Ai guess,” Applejack said. “Just don't don't ruin their appetites,” she hissed in Pinkie's face.

Twilight swallowed the banana she'd been chewing on and dropped the peel. “Those are some pretty good ideas everypony but I'm afraid that they just won't work out.” Twilight narrowed her eyes and pointed a hoof at Pinkie Pie. “Except you. Seriously? That thing about the cupcakes? Pretty creepy.”

“Hey, I liked that 'thing' about the cupcakes,” Rainbow Dash cut in. “If Pinkie Pie wants to bake all the ponies into cupcakes she can do me first.”

“Okay,” Pinkie Pie bubbled.

“Can you please stop talking about cupcakes,” Applejack said. “Twilight just what about our ideas won't work?” she asked.

“Well, it's a matter of timing and impact really.” Twilight explained. “While all of your ideas do the job of 'making ponies' – somehow – ” she added under her breath. “They aren't things that can really be started right away.

“If you doll up your mannequins now you won't be able to use them all year,” Twilight said.

“Well, I wouldn't go that far,” Rarity said. “I can just make the clothes and have them ready until then.”

“But that still wouldn't take you all year. I've seen you make a whole ensemble in a day. That's not something that you'd need to work on immediately,” Twilight argued.

“Well, that is true,” Rarity conceded.

“Applejack, I certainly wouldn't want to buy year-old food. Rainbow Dash, clouds last less than a day. Fluttershy, do you know how much wood beavers can go through? Your cottage would be buried in a huge pile of figurines if you asked them to start now. Pinkie Pie- Gaaaah!” Twilight clearly did not want to talk about baking ponies into cupcakes – let alone year-old cupcakes.

“Also, the impact: I'd be happy with an art project from somepony like Cheerilee, but this is Celestia we're talking about here. The ruler of all Equestria!

“The last time I'd gotten a vague and ambiguous command from her it was to 'make friends'. It wasn't something that I took seriously, but it's changed my life completely; even the fate of Equestria depended on it.” Twilight huffed dramatically.

“So what do you have in mind Twilight?” Spike asked. He'd gone back to shelving books again.

“Oh, uh, Spike.” Twilight spoke a bit louder and slowed her speech down a bit as if she were talking to a newborn. “Why don't you go down to the spa and ask them to fire up one of your seven hour bubble baths?”

“What? But I haven't finished my chores yet and I just had a bath a few weeks ago,” Spike replied.

“You know you should bathe at least once a week,” Twilight insisted.

“But – right now?” Twilight gave Spike her most potent of pouty-faces. “Oh, all right.” Spike walked out the door.

“Twilight, why did you send Spike away instead of answering his question?” Rarity asked.

“That wasn't very nice,” Fluttershy added.

“I'm sorry, but he's too young for this conversation – he's still just a baby. I promise I'll make it up to him,” Twilight said.

“Too young for what?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Well, you know how Pinkie said we couldn't make ponies from scratch? Well that's not true. We can,” Twilight said.

Pinkie nearly choked on her muffins. “But we closed off the mirror pool for good reason!” She spat out – crumbs flying everywhere.

“Not that Pinkie. We need stallions,” Twilight said. Fluttershy was unfortunate enough to be taking a sip from her cranberry juice and spat it out her nose. It looked like she'd suffered an instantaneous nosebleed.

“What?” The others cried out.

“Ooh, it all makes perfect sense.” Twilight was lightly hopping up and down while trotting in place. She was certain she had it all figured out but from her frown she wasn't very happy about it. “The average gestation period is 340 days and there are 365.242 days in a year. We really do have to get started right away if we want to make ponies by next year.”

“That's absurd. Celestia would never ask us to do something like that,” Rainbow Dash said. “She'd never even ask Cadance to do something like that.”

Rarity pulled a couch out of nowhere and collapsed on it. “OooOooh,” she moaned. This wasn't dramatic enough for her, so she got up, fluffed the pillows, and collapsed on the couch again. “OooOooh.”

“Aren't we really a bit young to be thinking about something like that?” Applejack asked.

“Technically, we've been mares since our first estrous cycle,” Twilight said. Twilight raised a hoof to make that statement, but noticed the banana peel when she went to put it down again. She wondered what she'd been thinking when she dropped it and bent her head down to pick it up. Nervously, she began chewing while the others took up the conversation.

“But this is really out of the blue,” Pinkie Pie said. “I mean, the Cake twins are still just yearlings. They can be a lot of fun, but they're a lot of work too. I wouldn't want to add a foal of my own – just yet.”

“There isn't any time to form a committed relationship. We'd have to just grab some random pony and 'shack up',” Rainbow Dash said. She waved a foreleg for emphasis.

“It would be scandalous to have a foal out of wedlock,” Rarity said. “I'd be ruined.”

“And ai'm sure it wouldn't do the stallion's reputation any good either,” Applejack added.

“No sense in ruining two ponies lives for the sake of creating a third,” Fluttershy said.

“Aren't we supposed to be studying the magic of friendship?” Rainbow Dash asked. “This isn't something that we could really do together... as friends,” she added.

Twilight swallowed as she walked over to the trash can to deposit the banana peel. She looked a bit foolish when she realized that her mouth was already empty.

“Perhaps she means for us to find coltfriends?” Twilight asked.

“Um, no offense Rarity, but that would be – like, the, worst possible way to meet a coltfriend.” Applejack bumped Rarity off the couch and fell over on it dramatically. “OooOooh,” she imitated.

“It's not just them though. What kind of mother wouldn't be friends with her own foal?” Twilight asked.

“That is true,” Applejack conceded. “But ai still don't like the idea of having this thrust upon us. It'd make much more sense to get things done naturally in our own time in a normal relationship.”

“It's not like Celestia ever waited for the things she's asked of us in the past,” Twilight cut in.

“That's not really fair. Celestia has total faith in us and none of those things were even under her control anyway,” Rainbow Dash said.

“None of them?” Twilight briefly unfolded her wings. “I do, of course, have complete confidence in her. Which is why I think that we should go through with this.” It was so quiet after that statement that you could hear a seed sprout. Every pony there grimaced a little bit inside.

“Um, we don't really know for certain that's what Celestia wants us to do,” Fluttershy said.

“She's right. Oh why did you have to send poor Spikey Wikey away? We could have just asked,” Rarity pouted.

“Well, he is just a baby.” Fluttershy responded. Twilight nodded in agreement.

“A baby dragon,” Rarity replied. “He already knows a lot more than what you give him credit for. He knows what color his egg was, and I'm sure he knows where they come from.” Rarity glanced around for something that might support her argument and levitated a book off of Spike's table. She opened it up when she read the title. “Plot Pony's Guide to Wooing Mares?” Rarity flipped a few pages. “It's got three whole chapters on facial hair?”

“Oh, that's kind of a sad story actually,” Twilight said. “He'd devoted so much of his life to something that he wasn't any good at that he never earned his cutie mark.”

“But what about chapter four?” Rarity asked.

“Oh, he'd never admit it. He always said that his cutie mark almost exactly matched his coat color and that you could only tell the difference upon very close inspection,” Twilight said.

“Ugh.” Rarity's aura shrunk down to a point. She was only holding the book by the tip of it's spine. She motioned as if she were going to place it on a shelf, but dropped it in the trash can as soon as Twilight wasn't looking.

“Be sure to drink lots of water.” Twilight advised, “Once you find a stallion who will say 'yes', you'll have to let him sniff your urine to help get him in the mood; and be sure not to bite or kick when he starts to mount-”

“And you don't think that we don't already know this?” Rainbow Dash cut in.

“Eheh.” Twilight chocked sheepishly.

“Ai think we all know how foals are made,” Applejack said. “It'd be a matter who; and ai just can't think of anyone ai'd even be willing to ask.”

“What I'd want in a stallion would be someone who'd really treat me like a lady,” Rarity said. “He'd be handsome and rich and well respected.”

“That sounds more like a 'Mr. Right' and less like an actual pony,” Twilight chided. “Try thinking about what you'd want in a father for your foals.”

“Um, a unicorn, I guess? And I'll have you know, Mr. Right is indeed a real pony. He's just taken already.” Rarity eyed her couch, but Applejack was still lying there. “Ugh, this conversation is so barbaric. Can't we talk about something – anything else?”

“This isn't getting us anywhere,” Twilight cut in. “Pinkie Pie, you know all the ponies in Ponyville. Who would you pick?”

“Me?” Pinkie Pie jumped. “Um, well, I guess I'd like a stallion who's a lot of fun.”

“And which stallion would be the most fun?” Twilight edged her on.

“Please don't say 'Big Mac'. Please don't say 'Big Mac'. Please don't say 'Big Mac',” Applejack muttered under her breath.

Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes and tapped her chin in quiet contemplation. “Pokey Pierce,” she said.

Fluttershy spat out more cranberry juice through her nose and her wings involuntarily unfurled. “P-P-Pok-okey P-Pierce?” She stammered. “I-I can't take it anymore.” Fluttershy flew up and crashed out one of the windows. Well, she quietly unlatched the window and opened it – but for her that was 'crashing'.

“Wait, Fluttershy!” Twilight called after her.

“Aw, let her go,” Rainbow Dash said. “This is silly.”

“But we need every pony to agree to this,” Twilight said. “Come on Applejack, don't you honestly think that this is the right thing to do?”

“Well, um, er, that is, ai, um, er, well, uh, eeh, uh, ai, um, well, wouldn't ya know it?” Applejack scrunched up her face and darted her eyes back and forth. “But, uh, um, ai'm feeling particularly anestrus tonight, so, uh, ai'll be goin' now – bye.” Applejack darted out the door.

“What? That makes no sense,” Twilight said. “The estrous cycle is triggered by daylight. So a few days after the Summer Sun Celebration, the longest day of the year, every mare in the kingdom will be at the peak of her cycle. Why in olden times this was even celebrated as the 'Night of Life'.”

“A barbaric celebration that fell out of practice long ago in favor of the more socially acceptable Hearts and Hooves day,” Rarity pointed out.

“What? Did I hear this right? You somehow got Applejack to... tell lies?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“But Applejack wouldn't-” Twilight started.

“Enough,” Rainbow Dash cut her off, “is enough. I'm going to go find Spike, and we'll straighten this whole thing out lickety-split.” Rainbow Dash flew out the open window.

“I'm going to also take my leave,” Rarity said. She was too upset to use her magic so she just shoved her couch out the door with her head. “Harrumph.” She scratched up the floor in the process.

Outside, Derpy the mailmare looked up in awe at the giant balloon thing that was tied off to the mailbox. She had no idea what it was, but it looked impressive. She opened the mailbox and shuffled through her bag to find the right letters. Once she'd found them, she deposited them and closed it up. There was a cracking noise as the mailbox was torn from the ground. Shortly thereafter, the mailbox and its contents vanished from sight as it drifted above the clouds. Derpy scratched her mane and grinned sheepishly even though it wasn't her fault (this time). Somepony would still find a way to blame her for it though.

Back inside, Twilight addressed the only pony who was left. “Pinkie. I'm glad that at least you're still with me on this. Heh heh. It's good to know that I can at least count on you.”

“Cupcakes?” Pinkie asked with a smile.

“Wha? Urm. Uggh. Grumph. Graaah!” Twilight Sparkle made all kinds of strange faces and she stormed out herself.

Next Chapter:
A Bath Start

Author's Note

“Wow, today's just a bad day for hats,” Fluttershy said.

You don't know the half of it.

A Bath Start

A Bath Start

Rainbow Dash flew out the library and raced over to the spa. Hopefully she could catch Spike before he went inside. Her heart sank when she got there and didn't see him. She flew around the building a few times just to be sure, but Spike had to be inside. Drat.

She landed in front of the building and dusted herself off. The spa was quite popular amongst the ponies of Ponyville but Rainbow Dash herself didn't like it. She paused in front of the door where bath scents and the thick aroma of water vapor assaulted her nostrils. It was supposed to be relaxing but Rainbow Dash found the whole thing a bit too stifling. She much preferred the freedom of the open skies even if all she did was nap on a cloud. Why bother paying some pony to brush your mane when the wind would do it for free? It's not like she hated the spa, though. She spent plenty of time there chatting with her friends but never saw any reason to come by herself.

The spa ponies Aloe and Vera looked up from their task of changing dirty bathwater when the bell ring and Rainbow Dash entered their shop. When no other pony followed behind her, they knew they had their work cut out for them. Rainbow Dash wasn't exactly their best customer. Aloe walked right past the front desk and ran a hoof along Rainbow Dash's flank. “Oh, you poor dear. You look so tense.” Rainbow Dash took a few steps backwards.

“Have you come for a relaxing bath?” Lotus Blossom got directly behind Rainbow Dash who twisted her neck around to see who was speaking.

“Uh, no thanks,” she replied, “I just came here to talk to Spike.”

“Hmm, pity that,” Aloe said and started brushing Rainbow Dash's mane. Rainbow Dash swung her head forwards again. Aloe made her brush disappear and maintained a professional smile.

“He's in the communal bubble bath,” Lotus Blossom said and started brushing Rainbow Dash's tail. Rainbow Dash quickly twisted her neck again, but Lotus was only smiling with no brush in sight.

“Only three bits per hour.” Aloe added and started brushing Rainbow Dash's mane again.

“Okay okay,” Rainbow Dash said and tossed some coins on the counter. It was far easier to just pay than it was to argue while they kept fawning over her. Rainbow Dash disappeared behind the curtain before the coins had even stopped spinning. Aloe and Lotus winked at each other and Vera giggled at the sight before returning to work.

Rainbow Dash glanced around the pool and spotted Spike. He looked a bit glum but perked up when he saw her. There was only one other other pony in the pool. He was a blue-maned stallion with a white coat that she didn't recognize. He was wearing a mud mask and cucumbers. He was probably asleep. Rainbow Dash always had to fight the instinct to shake herself clean when she wore the mud mask and the cucumbers just made her hungry.

She eyed the edge of the bubbling bath pool a bit warily. Aw heck with it – she did just pay for it after all. Taking the plunge, she waded over to Spike. The bubbles tickled a bit as they rubbed against her fur. It was kind of soothing. “Hey Spike,” she said as she leaned up against the edge of the pool next to him.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash,” Spike said, “did you get that business with Twilight figured out?”

“Well she sure thinks she did. That's actually what I came here to-” Rainbow Dash stopped talking when another pony entered the room.

“Greetings Orion. Greetings Spike. Rainbow Dash!” Rarity lifted up her sunglasses. “I certainly didn't expect to see you here.”

“And what's that supposed to mean?” Rainbow Dash asked confrontationally.

“Nothing,” Rarity replied. “You did say you were going to talk to Spike, after all.” She waded into the pool and also leaned up against the edge next to Spike. Orion was on her other side.

“Oh, fair Rarity,” Spike said while standing up. “Maybe I do have a cutie mark, just like you, but it almost exactly matches my coat color and you can only see it upon very close inspection.” Rarity plastered a fake grin on top of her grimace. Rainbow Dash scrunched up her face and covered her mouth in an effort to stifle her laughter.

“Uh Spike...” Rarity slowly said, “dragons don't have cutie marks.”

“Yeah, and you've got scales, not fur, duh,” Rainbow Dash added.

Spike flopped down, crestfallen.

“Did you ask him yet?” Rarity asked Rainbow Dash over Spike's head.

“Aw, I was sure that would work,” Spike grumbled. “Wait, ask me what?”

“That business with Twilight's? She came up with, like, the worst plan ever,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Twilight's plans aren't bad,” Spike said. “I mean, yeah, she can get carried away at times, but she always has a reason.”

“Carried away? Try like carried to the moon,” Rainbow Dash said.

“What? What did she come up with?” Spike asked.

“Well Spike, you see...” Rarity trialled off. She was quite fond of the little dragon and didn't want to hurt him. Bringing up reproduction would certainly drive a wedge in their relationship. “Ahem,” she went on, but stopped. Next to her, Orion shifted positions and sent small waves sloshing in her direction. They were more like ripples really, but enough for her to notice. “Ulp.” She swallowed. She glanced back and forth and put on a wide grin, then turned to look at Spike.

Rarity looked into Spike's eyes, she knew of his feeling for her, but never confronted them. Doing so would only hurt him as he was a dragon and she, a pony. There was no reason to bring it up either, as Rarity had plenty of time before she started thinking of settling down and starting a family. Well, until Twilight threw this at her. They were Celestia's orders, but... it was still hard to believe that she'd ever ask anypony that. Rarity hung her head low, touching on the water. She just couldn't broach the subject to Spike. She just couldn't.

“What?” Spike asked again.

“Are you okay Rarity?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“You tell him,” she hissed back.

“Well you see, instead of an art project, Twilight thinks that we, uh, well, you see...” Rainbow Dash stammered her words as she looked down on Spike. Oh, why did he have to look so cute? He was so young and innocent. Even Twilight thinks of him as just a baby. Rainbow Dash lost her nerve. Talking about this subject would be like giving a book entitled The Twelve Reasons that Santa Hoove's Not Real – a Pop-up Book to a filly who'd just learned to read. She just couldn't do it.

“You really shouldn't be so critical of Twilight,” Spike cut in. “I'm sure she's trying her hardest.”

“Not this time,” Rainbow Dash muttered. “She's asking for far too much.”

“I doubt she'd ask for something that she didn't think was in your best interests,” Spike said.

“Well it certainly doesn't look that way,” Rainbow Dash replied.

“Perhaps if you just told me what she wants?” Spike held his arms in front of himself.

“No.”

“Twilight's ideas might not make sense at the time, but in the long run they can turn out well. You have to know that she's been studying under Celestia for all her life – well, – all my life. In all that time she's had to deal with quite a lot of requests that weren't always straight forward. They might look like they had an obvious answer but she could see past that and do better.

“I remember one time when I was very young. Twilight and the other students had each been given an egg from the Canterlot Garden. The assignment was to use their magic to care for it. But Twilight knew that she couldn't properly care for a baby bird and myself and keep up with her studies, so she used her magic to find the nest the egg had come from and returned it to its parents.

“So when the assignment came due, she was the only one who didn't have a baby chick to show for it. Though once she'd explained what she'd done, she wound up getting the best grade.” Spike beamed at the memory. He had a soft spot for eggs.

“That's a great story and all, but I'm not sure it's relevant,” Rainbow Dash said.

“But surely you have to admit that Twilight's plan makes sense,” Spike said.

“Yes, it makes a lot of sense,” Rainbow Dash conceded. She drooped her ears.

“And that her plan was better than yours,” Spike added.

“Maybe.” Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes.

“And you should tell me what it is?” Spike leaned towards her.

“You're pushing it.” Rainbow Dash nudged Spike away with her hoof.

“Can't you at least consider it?” Spike threw up his arms.

“Very well, I shall,” Rarity spoke up. She turned away from Spike and leaned towards the stallion next to her. “Orion, you're looking quite smashing tonight.”

“Huh.” “What?” Spike and Rainbow Dash shared in confusion.

Orion splashed some water on his face and wiped off the mud mask. “Oh, Miss Rarity,” he said, “you're looking just as splendid as always.” Rarity leaned forward to turn up his chin and look down into his eyes. She touched a hoof to his lips to silence his thoughts and ran another across his... bare... Earth Pony... forehead to – to... part...

The moment was ruined. Her resolve shattered. A lump the size of Manehatten sat in her throat. She broke.

“Waaah!” -Rarity splashed her way out of the pool and ran out the spa altogether- “I can't do it, I just can't do it,” she cried.

“What, Rarity wait! Miss Rarity!” Orion called after her, to no avail. “What did I do?” he asked himself glumly.

Spike gave him a rather nasty look. “Perhaps you need more facial hair,” he suggested evilly. Spike turned towards Rainbow Dash and whispered to her, “What was that all about? Why was she making goo-goo eyes at some random guy?”

“Aw, Spike, it's part of Twilight's plan,” Rainbow Dash blurted out. “Uh, I mean, uh, whoops.”

“Huh?” Spike raised one eyebrow and the other eye twitched. “And just what is Twilight's plan?”

“I can't tell you. You're too young,” Rainbow Dash said.

“What? But I'm as old as... as... Sweetie Belle.” That argument sure backfired on him.

“Sorry Spike.” Rainbow Dash turned her head down to stare at the bath water. It wasn't nearly as relaxing as it once was. “I'd best be going before I have to pay for another hour.” She got up and waded out the pool, leaving Spike behind. Once she pushed past the curtain to the bath pool, she was approached again by Aloe and Lotus Blossom.

“Did something happen?” Aloe asked.

“Is everything okay?” Lotus Blossom asked.

Rainbow Dash looked up at them, but swung her head low. Wet mane dripped in her face. “Twilight happened,” she sighed. Aloe and Lotus took up positions with towels and combs to tend to Rainbow Dash's mane and tail. She didn't react at all when they started working.

“Isn't Twilight your friend?” Aloe asked.

“She's not even here,” Lotus stated.

“Yes and yes, but she's gotten a new assignment from Princess Celestia, and she's gone too far this time.” Rainbow Dash shifted her position so they could work on her hair more easily. Aloe and Lotus shrugged at each other. It looked like they wouldn't get any more coins out of this. It was still early in the day and they didn't have many other clients so they continued their work. Besides, it was good chance to bond with one of the most famous ponies in Ponyville.

“And if a friend goes too far, you can either keep up with them-” Aloe started.

“-or be there to catch them when they fall,” Lotus finished.

“Though you strike us as the type of pony who could do both.” Aloe held up a mirror to emphasize their point and show off their work. It was impressive. Rainbow Dash had expected something frilly, but this kept true to her style. Normally Rainbow Dash's hair looked windswept and ragged. This was the same, more or less, but organized. They rearranged the way some of her hair fell to add some highlights and curls. It was as radical as it was beautiful.

“Great job, thanks,” Rainbow Dash added a tip to the counter and left the spa. It did feel good to look that great even though it would probably only last until she took off again. Speaking of speed, what was that bit about 'keeping up' with Twilight? Rainbow Dash hadn't really given any thought to going along with that nightmare moonacy. It was just too wrong.

Well, if she'd wanted to have a foal, this would be a good excuse. But... going this route would not guarantee that her child would ever grow to even know its father. Rainbow Dash loved her father deeply and didn't think she could ever deny a pony that. Her thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of a small Earth pony filly. “Rainbow Dash, you're my hero.” She bounded up and hugged Dash's foreleg.

“Hey there, Aura,” Rainbow Dash greeted her.

“You look just dazzling. Did my mommies make you that great?” Aura asked.

“It's true, I am amazing- Wait, what? Mommies? Plural? Whoa there kiddo. Let's get this straightened out.” Rainbow Dash scooped up Aura, (which was fairly easy since she had a tight grip on Dash's foreleg), and went back into the spa. Aloe and Lotus Blossom seemed a bit confused to see Rainbow Dash back so soon but frowned a bit when they saw Aura.

“Oh, she's not causing you and trouble is she?” Aloe asked.

“Nothing like that.” Rainbow Dash put the filly down. “But a pony can only have one mother.”

“Well, I'm her dam.” Lotus Blossom rubbed Aura on her head. “But since we all live together here we consider ourselves a family.”

“Her real father didn't approve of this and moved to Manehatten,” Aloe whispered to Rainbow Dash.

“Have you finished your tasks for Miss Cheerilee?” Lotus asked Aura to distract her.

“Yep! Can I go play with my friends now?” Aura hopped up cheerfully.

“Oh, you're in Scootaloo's class,” Rainbow Dash said. “You should play with her sometime. She's always trying crazy stunts to earn her cutie mark.”

“Aww, but she always gets so dirty. I'd much rather play 'business clients' with Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon,” Aura said.

“Alright. You can go and play now,” Aloe said. Aura bounded out the door.

“And stay away from the well. You don't want to fall in again,” Lotus Blossom called after her.

“I will mommies,” Aura said as she ran off.

“You, uh, don't think that it's-” Aloe started.

“-weird do you?” Lotus Blossom finished.

“What? No, of course not. It's quite touching actually,” Rainbow Dash said. “Well, I best not let this great manestyle go to waste – I've got new plans for today.” She winked at them and walked out.

***

Rarity quavered in her own sorrow. She didn't have time to wallow. Wallowing implied standing still. If she stood still, Twilight would find her. Twilight would know she'd failed. She'd failed Celestia too. She couldn't face that. Not now. She couldn't hide from them forever, but she she could buy herself time. Not for excuses, but to accept her failure.

Rarity stopped by her fashion boutique to pack her saddlebags. With luck, Twilight and the others wouldn't know that she'd completely given up until she'd already left town. She could use a disguise too. She could use a cloak to throw off suspicion. She rummaged through her shop. Hmm, this cloak had been good for the Hearth's Warming Eve Pageant but it was too plain for her tastes now. What about a sapphire cloak? Hmm, no. Way too flashy. She threw out the gold-embroidered and rainbow cloaks as well. The one with the umbrella hat might have worked in a different setting. She just didn't have anything appropriate to wear. She couldn't skip out of town without proper attire now could she?

Well, she had plenty of fabric, and a good idea. In short work, she'd assembled the hooded cloak and tried it on. Hmm, it was functional, and showed quite a bit of class. Disaster averted, she bent over to give her cat, Opal, a goodbye kiss and left the shop with a stylish cloak, her saddle bags, and a fresh set of scratches.

Stopping to design a new piece of garment was a nice distraction but her sorrows still weighed heavily upon her. She wrapped the cloak around herself and left her boutique. In the noon of day, with the sun above, everything else looked bright and cheerful. She wore the cloak like a shadow, and dragged her own personal darkness with her. Other ponies stopped to turn their heads as she went by. Yes, she could have that effect.

She dragged herself through town (but not too hard – so as not to scuff her boots) and arrived at the train station. It was busier than usual since many ponies were still returning home from this year's Summer Sun Celebration. The line was long, and the wait would be unbearable. Rarity flopped over and began crying on her back. Fountains of tears shot out of her eyes and splashed on the other ponies in line. “Woe is me, oOoh, woe is me-ee-ee.”

“I say.”

“Ugh, how dreadful.”

“Who made her queen?”

“Don't look. It's shameful.”

“Yuck.”

“Hey, Watch it.”

“Ack! No, not my mane.”

“Hey, stop bothering the other customers,” the ticket salespony Apricot Bow said. Her tone was harsh and she pointed a hoof at Rarity. Rarity continued bowling her head out though.

“Ugh, just go on- go to the front of the line.” Persnickety shoved Rarity away from him. The crowd parted to let her by.

“I want a ticket for that train!” Rarity slammed her hoof on the counter. “Just get me out of here.”

“Ten bits, two way,” Apricot Bow told Rarity. The sign clearly said five.

“Make it twenty bits.” Rarity dumped a bag of coins on the counter. “And, and – take this shiny thing too.” Rarity tore a decorative piece from her cloak. A thread attached to it caused the cloak to partially unravel and suddenly the whole thing went from dark and mysterious to travel-worn and ratty. Light caught the loose threads and sparkled. Well, she wanted to look ragged – not like a pauper. “And make it one way!”

“Yeesh.” Apricot handed Rarity her ticket.

“All Aboard!” All Aboard called out. Rarity departed without any more fuss, but once she was on the train her sorrow dragged her down again. She sprawled out on a bench for some epic wallowing. The train's whistle blew and the engine jerked into motion. “Next stop, the Crystal Empire,” the conductor called out.

“The Crystal Empire,” Rarity repeated. She took a more comfortable pose on the bench and stared out the window, lost in thought.

***

Rainbow Dash paced around her cloud house. She'd gone in so many circles that the whole place had started to spin. Her whole viewpoint had been altered. She'd thought that a proper family had to consist of a mare and a stallion but after seeing Aura at the spa, she realized there were other possibilities. Come to think of it, the only parent Apple Bloom knew was her grandmother. Of course, she had an elder sister and brother to look after her too.

Rainbow Dash shivered at the prospect of trying to raise a foal on her own but she didn't just have one close friend, she had five. It wouldn't be imposing for her to ask for help from time to time since she'd be willing to help any of them if they needed it. That's what true friends do, right? No stallion would be required at all. Except, of course, to get the whole thing started.

Rainbow Dash stopped and hung her head. The whole place spun her around. Rainbow Dash was disorientated in more ways than one. Was Twilight's plan actually correct? Did Celestia actually want them all to, to have foals? Rainbow Dash stared up at the sky as it spun around. She hadn't cleared it yet today, but she could see the sun looking down on her. Turning away, she thought back on their conversation. Twilight had certainly been sure of herself and, as Spike pointed out, she did know Celestia best.

Rainbow Dash started pacing again and the world stopped spinning. If she got pregnant now she'd have about nine months before she'd have to stop with the Wonderbolts training. Newborns required a lot of attention too... all in all it'd set her back about a year. She grated her teeth at that thought. Well, she'd always be loyal to the Princess, and her friends too, so what they asked of her would always come first. At least she wouldn't have to quit her training entirely.

Well, it was decided then. She'd go through with the plan. All that was left, would be getting the right stallion. For any foal of hers she'd want the best, fastest pegasus she could find and what better way to determine that than a race? Well, she had a plan. She took off. She had to go to the town hall to get some fliers printed off.

The rotation caught her eye and she cringed as she watched her house spin. A rotating bed might be romantic – but a rotating house? Not, so much. She flew back to fix it. It took her a good five minutes of pushing to get it to stop. She panted to catch her breath. With that fixed, she flew off again to start her plan.

Next Chapter:
An Apple's Reflection

Author's Note

The Twelve Reasons that Santa Hoove's Not Real – a Pop-up Book

Reason #4: That's the same shirt your sister got last year. Look, if you pull tab (b), you can even see her name on it still.

“All Aboard!” All Aboard called out.

That has to be the worst possible name a pony could have. Ever. Think about it...

An Apple's Reflection

An Apple's Reflection

Applejack had run home and buried herself under her bed. She was shaking with fear and dripping in cold sweat. The truth was just so frightening that she couldn't bear to face it. When that happened, she, she started telling lies. But it wasn't right. It was never right. Oh, why did the truth just have to be so sweat-inducing, tree-pruning, boot-quaking, teeth-chipping terrifying?

Applejack took a deep breath and willed herself to crawl out from under the bed. She had to be strong. She had to face this sooner or later. She couldn't hide from the truth forever. Applejack plopped her rump on the floor and buried her face in her hooves. She almost never cried, but she had to let it out now. She wasn't even sure why she was crying. It just felt like the thing to do.

Applejack dried up her tears and hung up the holey Brimbrim on her hat rack. She'd get him fixed later. She'd just have to wear Rimbrimmer today. With her hat sorted out, she paced around the room in thought.

Having a foal? Her? She was the right age to start thinking about it, but, she had so, so many responsibilities too. She couldn't just abandon them to chase after colts. Any time either she or Big Mac couldn't do their duties the place just started falling to pieces. She just couldn't imagine taking any time off to wait out a pregnancy and then having a foal to care for on top of all her other duties.

Ideally though, any foal of her own would come from a stallion who'd stay by her side and enjoy working the trees. She'd want him to be as honest and dependable as she was. If there was a pony like that in Ponyville than wouldn't she have meet him by now? Granted, it was hard to meet other farm ponies since they had farms of their own and not all the farmers would come to town when their wares were sold in the markets.

Hmm, there was another place that was good for meeting hard workers. The agricultural Bucktanical University Gardens near Canterlot was the hub for science and farm related activities. Of course Applejack, had never really considered going that route – she much preferred keeping in shape as a rodeo pony. Still, a lot of wonderful things had come from B.U.G. like the non-toxic varieties of tulips and daisies. Those plants are so commonly consumed now that most ponies would be shocked to hear that they were originally inedible.

It would be hard to get accepted there. Applejack was never any good at sciences. Although... a sports scholarship to join their rodeo team she could see happening. Even if she was accepted she wouldn't want to abandon the farm for summer classes. Winter classes she could fit in, but it would be too late then. She really would be anestrus at that point and Celestia had asked for a foal by next year. Well, leaving for a week of summer classes probably wouldn't do too much harm, but could she really find a pony to make a lifelong commitment based off just a week-long relationship? If she could even find a pony she liked in the first place?

That was far too big a gamble. If she was going to take this seriously she'd have to come up with a plan that would actually work. Applejack got up and looked at herself in the mirror. “It would be so much simpler if there was a way to create another pony just like me.” Oh. A chill crept down her withers. There was.

What did Pinkie Pie say about the mirror pool? The clones were just shallow imitations that only reflected what was on the surface. That it was a bad idea. The clones had no memories. That it was a really bad idea. One clone just never seemed to be enough and the clones could make their own clones and that it was an awful, terrible, seal-it up forever and hope no pony ever finds it again ever idea.

This would answer all of Applejack's problems though. It would even excuse her from making a foal since it would count as a pony. She was sure that she had more self-control than Pinkie Pie and could stop at just one clone. Pinkie's clones were disruptive because all they wanted to do was have fun. Any clone of Applejack's would just want to work on the farm. Well, it'd be a right bit strange to have another version of herself bouncing around and shouting 'Apples! Apples! Apples!' all the time. Hmm, kind of like having another Apple Bloom, actually.

Well that settles it. Off to see Tom.

Applejack got up and straightened her hat. It wasn't going to be a long trip, but she grabbed her saddlebags to take some supplies anyway. It wouldn't hurt to go prepared when venturing into the Everfree Forest.

Applejack cleared her thoughts as she left the farm to wander into the forest. That place was spooky and full of hidden dangers. She didn't want to be caught off-guard. She knew the way to the mirror pool, but there was no real path and she had to keep her eyes out for trouble.

The animals were quiet. The plants kept to themselves. The ground felt firm, and solid. It was still spooky though. One misstep, and that could all change. She'd seen it happen before. The wind picked up. Some dead leaves came fluttering down. Applejack hid in a bush.

A creature that she did not recognize came slithering past. It was translucent, and its body seemed to made entirely of dust. It had eerie red eyes that glowed bright with fire. It paused to glance at Applejack's bush. She gulped with fear. It turned away though, and set its fiery gaze on something else- a tree. It coiled itself around the trunk and bit into the bark with fangs of smoke. The tree wilted and dried up before her eyes.

Applejack shivered as she finally recognized the beast from old stories. It was a Dry Snake – a creature of dust and famine. There was a crunching noise as it bit into the branches and stripped off all the leaves with its mouth. Dry Snakes weren't known for their hostility, but it was unwise to provoke them or get in the way of a meal. Applejack suddenly felt highly conspicuous in the leafy bush where she was hiding. She'd be safer in the open.

Dry Snakes didn't attack ponies directly, but they could ruin entire crops and they dessicated the ground as they passed. So even once they'd left, it'd be a long time before anything could grow there again. Earth ponies never really stood a chance against them. Any that tried to stop them would suffer the same fate as their fields. Unicorns could only hold them at bay. The only thing they truly feared, were pegasus. Cloud-busting techniques worked on the snakes too, and pegasus could make it rain, which the snakes hated.

Applejack dug through her saddlebags to pull out a single blue feather. It belonged to Rainbow Dash, but she'd kept it as a memento. Holding it in front of her as a warning, Applejack slowly and carefully backed out of the bush. The Dry Snake spotted her. It narrowed its eyes and flicked its fiery tongue at her, but went back to its meal as she continued to back away.

Breathing heavily, Applejack returned the feather to her bags and paused to wipe the sweat from her brow. She'd have to take a different route. Jumpy and nervous, she kept as quiet and inconspicuous as possible. It was slower going, but it wasn't long before she reached her goal.

“Tom. So we meet again.” Applejack greeted Tom. Tom the rock. “Diamond” Tom.

This was the boulder that Rarity had laid claim to on Discord's return, believing it to be a giant diamond. She could barely lift the boulder herself and Twilight didn't fare much better. After that whole business with the Pinkie storm, they'd brought Tom out here to the Everfree Forest to seal off the entrance to the Mirror Pool. He'd done his job so far. No pony else had stumbled on the Mirror Pool (not that they came out to the Everfree Forest anyway). But to a pony like Applejack who knew what was there, Tom just served as a beacon to mark the way.

“Eeyup” Applejack shoved Tom out of the way. The dark hole was uninviting. Applejack pulled a lantern out of her saddlebags and woke up the sleeping lightning beetles. They crawled around and glowed in protest. The passage was damp and spooky, and got lighter as she descended. Effervescent fungus helped to illuminate the place. Applejack set the lantern down and walked up to the edge of the pool.

She could see herself quite clearly. While the pool was still, she also thought she caught glimpses of pink dancing on the surface. Her fur stood on end. Echoes of 'fun' seemed to haunt at the corners of her mind. She shook. “Ai do hereby solemnly swear, not to be s-s-scared at the prospect of b-being d-doubly mared.”

Applejack extended a hoof to the surface of the pool, but the orange pony before her was terrified and wouldn't come out. It was nerve wracking. In a place like this, one just couldn't say the words – she had to mean them. Applejack backed away from the edge of the pool. She couldn't bear to look at it. She grabbed her lantern and ran.

With a heave, she pushed Tom back in place and leaned on him for support. This was a bad idea from the start – and she was glad she'd failed. It meant that she'd have to do things Twilight's way though – which was even more terrifying. With deep breaths, she pressed against Tom's cold, unyielding surface and waited for her heart to stop pounding. She'd have to come up with a new plan. A sharp breeze howled by, and Applejack swallowed in response. It'd be a lot easier to come up with a plan back home, where it was safe.

Applejack started to retrace her path but got chills when she'd come near the place she'd encountered the Dry Snake. She gave that place a wide berth. The ground wasn't as firm in her new path, and she tripped on a root and came tumbling down a hill. She came to rest at the base of a strange vine-covered tree that groaned and moaned at her. It sounded almost like- “Apple Bloom?”

“Applejack! Boy am ai glad to hear you.” Apple Bloom's voice cried out.

“Help!” Scootaloo shouted.

“Get us down from here!” Sweetie Belle squeaked.

“Ah, hold on.” Applejack walked up to the tree. She bucked the tree as hard as she could. Crack.

“Aah” “Oof” “Ow” The Cutie Mark Crusaders fell down and landed in a pile. They were dazed and sore and not moving very much.

“Are you all right sugarcubes?” Applejack asked them with concern. They just continued to sit there and moan. Applejack put Apple Bloom and Sweetie belle in their wagon and draped Scootaloo on her back. She pulled the wagon with her tail. “Ai better take you to the hospital.”

“Just give us a minute and we'll be okay.” Scootaloo finally spoke up. She didn't make any effort to actually get up, though.

“Um, if ya don't mind my asking, but what in the world were you doing to get in such a bind?” Applejack asked.

“Well, when you wouldn't let us work on any of the apple trees, we thought we'd try going to the Everfree Forest instead. We grafted some peppermint ivy to one of those spooky looking trees,” Apple Bloom explained.

“And it worked,” Scootaloo said.

“Too well,” Sweetie Belle wailed.

Come to think of it, that did explain why the tree looked so odd. Peppermint ivy was a valuable spice but it was a difficult plant to work with. It had a tendency to choke the life out of other plants and wouldn't grow on its own. So all they'd done was create a tree that just chocked itself to death. In another hour or so it probably would have wilted enough for them to free themselves. It must have grown explosively at first for them to get tangled up like that.

“That book on obscure farming techniques has been nothing but trouble for you,” Applejack said. “You'll have to take it back to the library and find something else to do.”

“Aww,” the three of them sighed in failure.

Applejack carried the three of them out of the forest, past the farm and brought them all the way to the Ponyville Hospital. “Well, we'll just stop here a sec to get y'all checked out and you can be on your way.”

Scootaloo retrieved her scooter from Applejack's saddlebag and hopped off her back. “But I feel fine,” she protested before wobbling and falling over. “I meant to do that.”

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle also started to protest but Applejack cut them off, “Y'all sure don't look fine.” She bit Scootaloo's tail and dragged her inside with Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle still in tow.

Nurse Sweetheart came to greet them as they entered the lobby and took a quick look at them all. “What seems to be the problem?” she asked.

“Well, they've taken quite a rough-and-tumble, and have been unusually lethargic and off-balance since then,” Applejack said.

“Take a seat, I'll get Doctor Stable.” Nurse Sweetheart left them alone in the lobby for a bit. Applejack helped the others sit down. It wasn't long before the nurse returned with the doctor. “We're ready for you in examining room five.”

Applejack bent down to pick Apple Bloom up, but the nurse motioned for her to stop. The doctor rested his chin against his hoof in thought as he watched the fillies wobble their way into the examination room. After they entered, the doctor immediately set to work inspecting each of them in turn. He scribbled down some notes when looking at their scrapes and bruises. He briefly checked their eyes, mouths, reflexes and hearing as well. It was a thorough, but quick, examination.

“Well, their bumps and bruises are healing just fine. They're just a bit dizzy because they're suffering from a mild case of peppermint poisoning. That's all.” The doctor gave his report.

“What,” Applejack said. She wondered if the three of them had actually been stuck in the tree, or if they'd just been pigging themselves out until they got sick. It would certainly explain the groans she heard when she found them.

“We tried to free ourselves by eating our way out,” Apple Bloom explained, “but we ate too much.” The doctor gave Apple Bloom a bit of an odd look, and opened a drawer to pull out three packets of some dried, grassy-looking plant. He gave one to each of the fillies.

“The best cure for peppermint poisoning is activated alfalfa,” he said. “Eat that and you'll feel better.”

No sooner than they'd tasted it than their faces scrunched up in utter disgust. “Ugh.” “Eww.” “Yuck.”

“It won't work unless you eat it,” the doctor said again. Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle looked at each other, but couldn't see any way out of this. With a single bite, they shoved the green stuff into their mouths and made a show of chewing it a few times before forcing the horrid stuff down their throats. They stuck their tongues out in disgust.

“That should do the trick. You should be fine in an hour or two,” the doctor said. They couldn't be happier to hear that and raced each other out of the room.

“Remember to return that book,” Applejack called out. Once they were gone, Applejack made no attempt to leave the room, but turned to the doctor and confessed, “Doctor, ai'm glad you could help them, but in truth ai knew all along they were fine. Ai came here for a different reason.”

“Hrm?” Doctor Stable asked.

“Do you still do artificial insemination here?” Applejack trembled. Her color seemed to drain as she spoke and she nervously gnawed on her hat.

Years of working in the medical field allowed the doctor to maintain his neutral expression. It was never good practice to question the motives of his clients. “Sorry, but we had to end that practice years ago,” he said.

“Was it outlawed?” Applejack asked.

“No no, nothing like that. There just wasn't enough demand for the procedure to go through the trouble of keeping fresh donor material in stock. We had to keep it sorted by donor type and the few who opted for the procedure always seemed to ask the questions that we weren't actually allowed to answer. No pony, certainly not us, seemed happy with it.” The doctor sighed. “There's a clinic in Las Pegasus that still does it though.”

“What? That's on the other side of the map. And it's a cloud city. Ai can't go there. No, there are ways, we've done it before. But, the donors, they'd all be pegasus wouldn't they? Ai wouldn't want a pegasus. Well, thanks anyway doctor.” Applejack flopped her abused hat back on and started to leave.

“I have a bit of a confession of my own to make,” Doctor Stable said.

“Huh?” Applejack stopped to listen.

“The activated alfalfa doesn't actually do anything. Their symptoms would clear up on their own. It 'works' by forcing them to eat something that tastes so terrible that they'll stop to think twice before overindulging in sweets again,” he said.

“Ha haha ha ha,” Applejack had to laugh at that. “Thanks doctor, I needed a god laugh.” Indeed, she brightened up. She left just as orange as she'd arrived.

Next Chapter:
Of Doormats and Trees

Author's Note

Well that settles it. Off to see Tom.

Don't you take him for granite!

Of Doormats and Trees

Of Doormats and Trees

Pinkie Pie found herself alone in the library. She didn't often goad her friends on like that, but Twilight had made it so easy – she couldn't resist. “La la la-la la-la la,” she bounced cheerfully out the door. The streets of Ponyville looked particularly inviting today. She felt a bit of an itch along her withers. The last time she felt something like that, she'd gotten sick from eating the baked 'bads' that Applejack had helped her cook up. Somepony was going to get a tummy ache. She looked around, but didn't see anyone. Oh well, - perhaps she was just itchy because she was itchy. That sometimes happened too. Pinkie Pie scratched at herself publicly.

Pinkie Pie had wanted to go balloon kiting with Rarity today, but that was ruined now. She didn't even see the remains of her balloon-pegasus wing suit. It must have floated away. Oh well.

Pinkie's biggest concern right now was that all her friends were upset, and it was partly her fault too. She had to find a way to cheer them up. This called for a party of course. Hmm, she was out of balloons, the Cakes had a large order to fill today and Sugarcube Corner was reserved for that very same event. It wouldn't be much of a party with food, entertainment, or a place to be. Drat.

Well, she could spend the time looking for a partner for Twilight's plan. Yeesh. Pinkie Pie rolled her eyes. If that's what the future held than so be it, but, she wasn't in any hurry to go there. Perhaps a walk around town would give her an idea to help cheer up her friends.

“Morning Lilly.” Pinkie Pie smiled at a pony watering her flower garden.

“Morning Pinkie.” Lilly Valley smiled back. Ah, the aroma of fresh flowers. They tasted good too. “Pinkie,” Lilly scolded.

“Whoops, hehe.” Pinkie Pie released the slightly chewed plant from her mouth. Lily Valley straightened it out while Pinkie Pie split.

Pinkie Pie bounded down the market.

“I'm not a little filly anymore,” Turf complained.

“Neither am I,” Cheerilee said, “but you have to admit, those bows look just darling. Have you been keeping up with your hop-skip-two-threes like I recommended?”

“Ugh.” Turf buried her face on her hooves out of sheer embarrassment.

“Hop skip two three. Say my 'a's and my 'nays'. Do a wiggle jiggle happy dance-y.” Pinkie jumped in.

“Well done Pinkie,” Cheerilee smiled and clapped her hooves together.

“Aagh.” Turf almost looked like a different pony – her face was so red.

Pinkie Pie kept bounding along. “Morning Shoeshine.”

“Hrumph.” Shoeshine sat uncomfortably on a bench. She was clearly gloomy over something. Pinkie Pie dove in a bush and burst out with confetti and a party whistle. Fweeee. “Not now Pinkie,” Shoeshine complained.

“Uh oh, what's wrong?” Pinkie asked. “Is it aliens? I bet it's aliens! Have they come to steal our doormats? Cause if I was an alien, I'd totally be stealing doormats.” Pinkie Pie climbed up on the bench to shake Shoeshine by her shoulders and stare her in the face – so close together that their eyes were practically touching.

Shoeshine no-so-gently pushed Pinkie off. “Nothing like that. My favorite hat just got destroyed this morning by a flamingo. It was a souvenir from Appleoosa.”

“Well maybe the flamingo was an alien? And, and... it thought the hat was a doormat? And, and...” Pinkie Pie could tell by Shoeshine's completely flat expression that she wasn't getting anywhere. “Well hold on. This is a hat emergency! To the hat-mobile!” Pinkie Pie pantomimed getting into a vehicle (with a hat), and zipped off. She then clambered up a tree and popped out holding a... hat. It was one of those multicolor caps with a propeller on top.

“Teh-da!” Pinkie said. Shoeshine cringed at the sight. “Well, I don't really have a hat-mobile, but I do have emergency hats, for hatmergencies,” Pinkie explained.

“Uh, thanks Pinkie.” Shoushine reluctantly took the hat. She looked down at it. “I think.” She still didn't smile though.

“Aww,” Pinkie stopped to count, “I started with a happy greeting, then confetti, then talked about something irrelevant, then emergency hat- what's next? Ah! Sing random song! Ahem.” Pinkie paused to clear her throat, but before she could start Shoeshine jumped off the bench and put the beanie on.

“Ha ha-ha, no need for that. Look how happy I am.” Shoeshine forced herself to smile. “This hat's just great. No need to sing. In fact, it's probably my favorite hat now. Goodbye.” Shoeshine galloped off.

“Okay dokie loki bon voki smokey.” Pinkie Pie called after her. Disaster averted, Pinkie bounded on. “Morning Pokey.”

“Morning Pinkie,” Pokey Pierce said with a smile.

“Hmm,” Pinkie stopped to think for a sec, but she was interrupted when she saw Blossomforth fly by. Ah! So that's where she was. Pinkie Pie bounded after her. Blossomforth didn't know she was under pursuit and landed by the Quill and Sofa shop.

“Would you like any sofas or quills?” Davenport asked.

“Well, I am looking for a – Pinkie!” Blossomforth was startled when Pinkie jumped out of Davenport's hat (ruining it).

“Gah, don't do that Pinkie.” Davenport shook her off his head and tried to straighten his hat back out. He failed.

“Oof,” Pinkie said as she landed ungracefully on the ground. “Well I bet you didn't expect me to remember – but I did. Today's the day.”

“The day for what?” Blossomforth asked.

Pinkie Pie held up a picture of a pony with an incredibly ugly manestyle. “Remember when we were looking through Ponygraphic magazine? And I said I could I could totally do that for you? And you were like, 'yeah, like in a year,' well guess what? It's been a year.” Blossomforth scrunched up her face in disgust at the sight of the beaded dreadlocks. It was a poor interpretation of a traditional zebra hair-weave. Even the zebras in the article laughed at it.

“Geez Pinkie, can't you get a clue?” Blossomforth asked.

“No way. I can't hog all the clues. Then nopony else would ever get any,” Pinkie Pie said. “Hey!” Pinkie Pie shouted at Blossomforth as she took off to leave.

Pinkie Pie grabbed a rope and tried to spin it around like Applejack does. It... didn't go so well. The loop was too big and wobbled in the air. It was only from sheer luck that she didn't tie herself up. With a heave, Pinkie tosses the rope in the general direction of Blossomforth.

“Ack!” Blossomforth called out as the rope tangled around her and got caught up in a nearby tree too. The only reason that worked at all is because Blossomforth had paused to watch Pinkie's attempt at that rodeo trick. Now she was thoroughly tangled up and dangling upside-down from a tree.

“Alright. I did it on the first try. Applejack would be so proud.” Pinkie Pie beamed. “Now wait right here, while I get the beads,” Pinkie said. Blossomforth rolled her eyes, and Pinkie Pie turned around to dig through a bush.

Flitter landed nearby. “How is she doing that?” Flitter asked.

“Huh, but I'm not doing anything,” Pinkie Pie said as she retrieved her stash of beads from its hiding place.

“Now that is one flexible pony.” Flitter said.

“What?” Pinkie Pie turned around, but she was too late. Blossomforth was already flying away and an empty tangle of rope swayed gently underneath the tree. Pinkie Pie turned to Flitter. “I don't suppose you'd let me do your mane like this?” Pinkie held up that horrid photo again.

“Ugh, maybe in a year,” Flitter said and walked off.

“Okay.” Pinkie Pie promised. She returned the beads to their hiding place and went on her way again. “Hello again Pokey,” she said as she went by him again.

“Hey Pinkie,” he replied, “got any plans today?” Pinkie Pie stopped walking. Well, she might as well ask.

She jumped in front of him and leaned forward. “Pokey Pierce, will you poke and pierce me?”

“Wha?” Pokey fell over and started laughing. “Good one Pinkie. You're always good for a laugh.”

“Hrm?” Pinkie Pie kept leaning over him.

“Oh, you're serious.” He got up and composed himself. “Well in that case, twenty bits.”

“Fifteen bits,” Pinkie replied quickly.

“Twe- ... You know what? That's a fine fare for such a fun filly. Come on in,” Pokey said and went inside.

“Well that was easy,” Pinkie Pie said and bounded in after him.

***

Fluttershy was deeply disappointed with herself. She hadn't left out of refusal, or out of rejection of Twilight's plan; but she'd been overcome with embarrassment and couldn't contain herself. So the Princess wants them all to have children. It was a bit sudden, but she was sure that Celestia had her reasons, and Fluttershy could agree to it herself.

Each year, the animals that she cared for would come back with new kits, hatchlings, and babies of their own. It was always so wonderful to see and she envied them a bit. She was always too shy to go out and meet other ponies though. She didn't really have any friends aside from Rainbow Dash until Twilight had come to town. Sure, she'd known about Rarity. Every pony had met Pinkie Pie. She'd often helped Applejack deal with animal problems on her farm. But Twilight was the one who really brought them all together.

With their help and encouragement, she'd been able to accomplish a lot. She'd tried very hard to be more assertive and to overcome the ghosts of her past. It hasn't been easy for her, but she's pulled through so far. But going out on her own to find a new type of friend? A special somepony? That still gave her chills. Well, she wasn't getting any younger. If Celestia had faith in her, than she could at least try. Handling a stallion couldn't be any harder than handling Discord... right?

But who?

Fluttershy put that thought out of her mind for a while she fixed the midday meals for the animals. She prepared salad for the bunnies, nuts for the squirrels, berries for Harry the bear, and seeds for the mice and the birds. Anypony she'd want for herself would also have to like animals too. Who in town, aside from her friends, kept pets?

Fluttershy gathered up the eggs from the chicken coops to take to town. This delivery was for the Cakes at Sugarcube Corner. They need eggs to bake their cakes with. If Pinkie Pie was there then she could ask her about the other ponies in town. Pinkie Pie knew everyone.

While walking through town, she spotted Rainbow Dash flying overhead dispensing fliers. Fluttershy caught one and looked at it. “All pegasus stallions are invited to a race at the Ponyville training fields this evening. Want to show that you're too hot to trot? Winner gets to spend some quality time with Ponyville's best flyer.” Fluttershy stashed the leaflet on her cart. She had some mixed feelings about that approach. “Rainbow Dash, I sure hope you know what you're doing,” Fluttershy said.

Fluttershy knocked on the door to Sugarcube Corner. Mr, Cake opened the door. “Oh, thank Celestia you're here. You arrived just in time. We were running out.” Mrs. Cake also came out to help unload. Fluttershy picked up the pamphlet and stayed out of their way.

“Is Pinkie Pie around?” Fluttershy asked. Mr. And Mrs. Cake stopped in their tasks to look at each other.

“She's in her room,” Mrs. Cake said.

“Can I see her?” Fluttershy asked.

“Just don't wake the foals,” Mrs. Cake said as she resumed her task. Fluttershy followed the Cakes inside and took a look around. The place was full of delectable baked goods all organized and in pristine condition. The aroma alone could be enough to drive a pony wild. Fluttershy wondered why Pinkie wasn't down here to make a mess of things like she usually did.

Fluttershy left the Cakes to their work and went upstairs. She tread softly, so as not to wake the foals. Fluttershy tapped softly at Pinkie's door, but it wasn't latched and swung open. Pinkie Pie sat with her rump on the floor and a scowl on her scrunched up face. Her ears were flat against the side of her head – which didn't do any justice for her brand new pair of earrings. The giant, white safety cone around her neck didn't do them any justice either. Pinkie Pie kept trying to scratch at her ears, but the safety cone got in her way. Fluttershy couldn't help but laugh at the sight.

Pinkie Pie froze. Her eyes widened.

“Oh, sorry Pinkie,” Fluttershy apologized. “I shouldn't laugh. That's mighty brave of you to go though something so painful like that just to make the best impression you possibly can.”

“Oh, uh, right. That's totally exactly what I was thinking completely.” Pinkie Pie got up and gently shook her head to straighten her ears out. The earrings did look kind of nice. They were shaped to look like little balloons which complemented her cutie mark. They would have looked good by themselves or with a dress; the safety cone still ruined it though. Pinkie Pie tried to touch a hoof to her ear but the cone got in the way again. She sighed.

“You know you can't take them off until after your ears heal and you shouldn't agitate the wounds or they'll heal slower, right?” Fluttershy walked in the room and gently closed the door behind her. She didn't want their talking to disturb Pound or Pumpkin Cake who were sleeping in their crib in the room across from them.

“Yeah, but that doesn't make them any less itchy.” Pinkie sat on her rump again. She also flattened her ears again instinctively.

“So, uh, Pinkie,” Fluttershy said, “you know all the ponies in town right? Can you tell me who keeps pets?”

“Well, aside from us, Octavia has a peacock, Vinyl has a ferret,-”

“Stallions – I meant stallions,” Fluttershy corrected. “Single stallions.”

“Oh, well – waiit – Is this for that 'pony' project?” Pinkie narrowed her eyes and snorted.

“Mm hmm.” Fluttershy nodded in agreement. “I don't really get out that much, into town I mean. I thought I'd ask you first. It's easier to meet somepony if you have something in common to talk about.”

“Huh. No offense Fluttershy but you're usually such a... doormat. After the way you flew off I would have expected you to just hide in your cottage all day.”

“Well, I wanted to. But I can't be a doormat my whole life. I mean, it'll always be part of who I am, but sometimes you just have to hide the doormat.” Fluttershy walked over to look out the window. This was the busiest part of the day. She sighed after looking at all of the other ponies.

“Wait so...” Pinkie Pie wanted to rest her chin on her hoof in thought, but it bumped against the safety cone. Pinkie scrunched up her face in annoyance. “So if you're not the doormat, but you're the thing that takes the doormat, then that must mean...” Pinkie jumped into the air and gasped. “You're an alien!”

“Ssh, don't wake the foals,” Fluttershy reminded her. “And don't be silly. Aliens aren't real.”

“So aliens aren't real? They're fake? You're not real? I've been imagining you the whole time?”

“No silly, I mean I'm something else.”

“Something else? Is that like... 'anything' else? Or what about-”

Fluttershy stood up tall and spread her wings and forelegs out. “I'm a tree.”

“Huu-uh,” Pinkie gasped and pressed her forelegs against the sides of her safety cone. “Trees steal doormats? It all makes so much sense now. No wonder you never see any in forests. It's all part of an arboreal plot to keep your hooves dirty.”

“Precisely,” Fluttershy agreed. She couldn't contain herself and fell over giggling. Pinkie Pie fell over laughing too. Once they composed themselves, Fluttershy asked her question again, “Do you know of any available stallions that keep pets?”

“Let's see-” Pinkie wanted to count ponies on her hooves, but the safety cone was in the way again. She had to content herself with sticking out her tongue. “-Noteworthy has a rooster, Cherry Fizzy's got that fruit bat, Blue Skies keeps a blue bird, Star hunter's also got an owl, Bright Idea's got an ant farm, Graphite's also got a chicken,-”

Fluttershy tried her best to follow along as Pinkie spouted off names. She'd seen most of these ponies around, but hadn't ever really introduced herself. At least there seemed to be a lot to choose from, though she was wondering about the availability of some of them, wasn't Cherry Fizzy with Carrot Top? Or perhaps she was thinking of Caramel.

“-and, of course, Big Mac has all those pigs on the Apple Farm,” Pinkie Pie concluded.

“Big Mac? But isn't he seeing Cheerilee?”

“You tell me. They went on one date together last Hearts and Hooves day and haven't seen each other since.”

“That's perfect then. I'll ask him.” Fluttershy wasn't talking directly to Pinkie Pie, but staring out into space instead.

“What? But don't you think that Applejack-” Pinkie didn't really know what Applejack would think. It couldn't be good though. Applejack didn't seen to like the idea of Big Mac and Pinkie being together anyway.

“It won't matter what Applejack thinks. He's his own pony.” Fluttershy was determined to be a tree, and not a doormat.

“Well, in that case, what do you think about this whole 'pony project' in general? I mean, Rainbow Dash was fully against it. She left to find Spike and get a definitive answer from Celestia. She could pop in any moment now and tell us to call the whole thing off. Not that that's likely. I'm just saying it could happen, any moment now.” Pinkie Pie looked out the window in anticipation.

“Oh, well...” Fluttershy retrieved the flier she'd picked up and unfurled it on the ground. “Pinkie, you should see this.”

“Huh?” Pinkie Pie looked down and read the flier. “What!” She screeched. “If Rainbow Dash is doing this than Celestia must have actually said 'yes'! Oh no, I've got to try again!” Pinkie's outburst was greeted with the sound of crying from across the hall. They could hear ponies coming up the stairs. Mrs. Cake made soothing noises in the other room and Mr. Cake opened the door to Pinkie's room.

“Can you two go somewhere else?” he asked. “I don't mean to kick you out or anything but we're just so busy and can't have any distractions...”

“It's okay. We were on our way anyway,” Fluttershy said and walked out the door.

“Sorry Mr. Cake.” Pinkie Pie hung her head low, but she had to pick it up again when the safety cone started scraping along the floor. Mr. Cake ran back downstairs when a timer went off and Fluttershy started to follow after him.

Thud.

Pinkie Pie's safety cone was just a little too big and got caught in the door frame. She fell over as if she'd walked into a wall. “Are you okay Pinkie?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yeah, yrah.” Pinkie Pie got back up and backed out the door this time. There was a tiny 'pop' as the cone passed through the door frame.

As they came downstairs, the sweet aroma of freshly baked delectables was even more enticing than ever. Pinkie Pie couldn't resist and grabbed a cupcake to eat. She smooshed it against the side of her safety cone. “Aww,” she said with tears welling up in her big, wide eyes.

“Here, let me help you with that.” Fluttershy held out a cupcake, and Pinkie slurped it off her hoof in one bite.

“Thankfs Flutterbshy,” sportled Pinkie as she ravenously devoured it.

Fluttershy wiped some projectile crumbs off her face. “Anytime.”

“That's enough Pinkie,” Mr. Cake said as he wiped the remains of the squashed cupcake off the floor. “We're running behind as it is and don't have enough to spare for sampling right now.” Mr. Cake handed Fluttershy his payment for the eggs she brought. “Thanks again, Fluttershy. Your timing was impeccable.”

Fluttershy stashed the coins in her purse. “And thank you too,” she said in response.

Fluttershy leaned in close to whisper in Pinkie's itchy, sore ears, “Come on Pinkie, we've got places to be... and stallions to... do.” The pegasus blushed and had trouble controlling her wings. “Eeh-hee.” She ran out the door.

Pinkie Pie sighed and backed out after her. Pop. They went their separate ways.

***

Fluttershy flew back to her cottage. She wasn't sure why she'd said that, and now she was almost as embarrassed as she was this morning. She took in deep breaths, and the critters in her room came out to comfort her. “No, I can't just give up like this. I have to be strong. I have to stand tall. I have to grow tall. I have... to be a tree.”

Fluttershy gathered a few things and put on a nice, broad-brimmed hat with a small pink bow. The animals milled around watching her. “Alright, Angel. Mommy needs to go out again. Be a dear and watch the place while I'm gone, okay?” Fluttershy walked back out the door. Angel ignored his instructions and followed her.

The farm was as productive as always. Even out of applebucking season, there was always fruit ripe for the bucking. Applejack, Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith were nowhere to be seen. Only Big Mac was out working in the orchard. He had quite a few empty baskets lined up and was steadily bucking trees to fill them up. From the pace he was moving, the work he had lined up would probably take all day – or longer. Presumably, Applejack would help too but she obviously had other things to worry about.

Fluttershy gnawed at her hoof in nervousness. Well, there was no sense in waiting for him to finish. If she wanted to have any time with him when he wasn't busy, she'd have to take Applejack's place and help with his chores. She fluttered down and softly approached him on hoof. “Hello, Big Mac.” He didn't seem to notice. She'd spoken too softly. “Hello, Big Mac.” She repeated a bit louder. He glanced at her and went back to his work. Fluttershy stood there awkwardly. Big Mac finished filling another basket and jumped a bit when he turned around and saw that she was still there. “Um, you look a bit busy.”

“Eeyup.”

“Would you like some help?” Fluttershy swung her head and panned her eyes across the rows and rows of trees that needed attention.

“Eenope.”

This was going to be difficult. Well, a little lie wouldn't hurt – as long as Applejack didn't show up. “Applejack had to help Twilight today, but she said I could come down and lend a hoof if, um, that's okay with you, that is.”

Big Mac sighed. “Eeyup.”

Fluttershy was glad he was willing to accept her help; but now the trees suddenly looked daunting. She wasn't strong enough to buck them like him, but she could fly up and shake the fruit down. It was different, but it worked. Fluttershy nervously wondered how Applejack was doing.

Big Mac gave a swift kick to another tree, filling up three baskets at once.

Well, she couldn't worry about Applejack now. “Alright, I'll start with this tree here,” she said. It was in the row next to his. She flew up ans disappeared in the tree's foliage, which rustled. Apples fell down to fill up the baskets. Fluttershy jumped down to inspect them, but it felt like she was missing something.

Big Mac snickered at her. She looked up. Her hat was gone. The tree had claimed it for itself. It looked so silly with that hat that she couldn't help but giggle too. She left it there and flew over to the next tree. Big Mac gathered up the full baskets and carried them to the wagon he was filling up. It had a lot of empty space left.

“So you like caring for the pigs?” Fluttershy asked as she shook down more apples. She moved on to the next tree.

“Eeyup.” Big Mac returned to apple bucking. Fluttershy was hoping he'd say more, but he didn't.

“How's Applejack been doing? You seen her today?” Fluttershy shook another tree. She was doing pretty good at this. If only she could say the same about trying to have a conversation with Big Mac.

“Eenope.” He only answered her second question.

“Apple Bloom's still just as impatient as ever. Has she earned her cutie mark yet?” She moved onto the the next tree and shook it quickly to keep pace with Big Mac's progress.

“Eenope.”

“And, uh, I guess Granny Smith's still doing well.” Fluttershy was close enough to the next tree to just jump to it. Her landing helped knock some of the apples down.

“Eeyep.”

“Beautiful weather we're having today.” Fluttershy was running out of small talk. She was also running out of breath. Hopping between trees was exhausting.

“Eeyep.”

Fluttershy paused to catch her breath while Big Mac loaded more apple baskets onto the wagon. Trying to talk to Big Mac was like trying to talk to a doormat. His monosyllabic answers were about as exciting as trying to play catch through a closed window. Sure, you got your ball back, but you really wanted to play with the pony on the other side. Well, if Big Mac was going to be a doormat, then so be it. She'd just have to be that thing that stole doormats. “Come on Fluttershy, be a tree,” she blurted out.

Big Mac looked at her. “That's the spirit,” he said, “You can make the trees work with you if you get to know them.”

“Huh?” Had her ears deceived her? Had he just broken his perfect string of 'eeyup's and 'eenope's to talk about trees? She looked down at the tree she was in. It looked – like a tree. She wasn't sue how she could 'work with' that.

“Well sure,” Big Mac went on, “trees are living creatures too. They don't talk, but they can show their feelings.” Big Mac leaned against a tree. He caressed its trunk with one of his hooves.

“You mean like how the leaves get limp when they're thirsty and how they change color when they're exhausted from growing all summer and want to take a nap for winter?” Fluttershy went back to shaking down apples. There still was a lot of work to be done, after all.

“Eeyup.” Big Mac got back down on all fours and started bucking again. The apples landed perfectly in the baskets he'd lined up. Fluttershy cringed a bit at his monosyllabic response. She hopped over to the next tree. She worried that she'd lost him. But he went on. Phew. “And you can tell by the color and size or the fruit how ripe they are.”

Big Mac went on to explain the finer points of apple growing and harvesting. Fluttershy understood some of the points he made. When a tree didn't drop all its fruit when she shook it, it wasn't trying to be mean. Trees could be proud of their fruit – and didn't want to give away apples that were still growing. They didn't have to return later to complete the harvest, either. It was a big farm, and leftover fruit like that could be left to the animals. Fluttershy really liked that part.

Big Mac also talked about the 'feel' of the earth, and the thrum of the life within. That... had to be an Earth pony thing. Talk like that went completely over Fluttershy's head, or under her hooves, so to speak. She stayed up in the trees and kept to her work so he wouldn't catch the look of confusion on her face. She didn't mind that he was talking about such stuff. She didn't have to understand it to know know it was important to him. It was a lot like her connection to animals really. The only pony who who could understand it was herself.

Hmm, speaking of which – she'd listened to him talk about his special talent. It was time to get him interested in hers. When they took another break to load up the wagon, Fluttershy flew down where he could see her. “A tree's not just a living creature-” she said. She tapped on the trunk near a hollow, and a family of squirrels poked their noses out. She gave a quick whistle and extended her forelegs. Some songbirds flew down to land on them. Even a bat came and hung itself upside down (the regular kind – not the fruit bats that lived in the southern fields). Some bees hovered nearby. Their nest was in another tree. “-it's an entire ecosystem.”

Big Mac looked up with wide eyes and an open mouth. It was just one tree, and the sheer number of critters that appeared amazed him. “Ai had no idea.”

Fluttershy giggled and closed her eyes. With a small shake of her legs, the animals departed and returned to their homes – except for the birds. They just perched on a nearby branch and cheeped encouraging nothings at her. “Don't be silly. You've seen them all the time. Just, not all at once.”

“Eeyup.” Big Mac scratched his chin in contemplation. “That sure is a lot. Will they hurt it?”

“Oh no. Nothing like that. They all live in the tree. It's their home. They want it to prosper too – not destroy it.” Fluttershy caressed the tree like Big Mac had earlier. Sure enough, it was a fine, healthy specimen. Big Mac walked over to the next tree but hesitated. “Don't worry. They're used to it.” He shrugged and resumed applebucking.

“Ai guess they'd have to be,” he said. Big Mac was getting ahead of her. Fluttershy shook down more apples, and the birds flew off. The birds quickly returned when she finished. They followed one tree behind her, with the flock slowly growing as she worked to catch up. The next tree the birds flew ahead of her and pecked the apples down. They... weren't good with their aim, but the squirrels down below helped load the missed apples into the baskets. “How did you get them to do that?” Big Mac asked. He pointed a hoof at the critters and looked at Fluttershy with wide eyes.

“Aww, show them a little kindness, and sometimes they'll show kindness in return.” Fluttershy flew down to nuzzle with the cute little squirrels and hummed in key with the birds.

“A little kindness?” Big Mac watched.

“A lot of kindness.” Fluttershy laid out nuts on the ground for the squirrels and had the birds come down to feast on breadcrumbs. She greeted each of them. Big Mac looked around at the apple baskets. That seemed to be the last of them. He loaded them up on the cart while the animals dispersed. Fluttershy flew up to shake the next tree. No apples came down, but she did get her hat back. “Oh. I guess we're done.”

Big Mac looked at her in the evening sun. Sweat clung to her golden coat, and heavy breathing belied just how exhausted she was. Much to her credit, she sounded genuinely disappointed to be finished. “Eeyup. Ai recon we finished early.” Big Mac pushed the cart in the barn for storage.

“Well in that case, how about a picnic?” Fluttershy fluttered her eyes at him.

“Uhhh...” Big Mac backed up a bit. He was taken aback, but she had been working so hard. It would be rude to refuse her now. “Well, alright.” He gave in.

“Yay,” she cheered softly. Big Mac watched as she set up the picnic blanket and laid out the food and drinks. He was a bit uncomfortable with that. It reminded him of what Apple Bloom did a while back. Once she was finished, he walked up to take his place across from her. Eying the food, the apples looked... suspiciously familiar, but she also had blueberry muffins, cupcakes, and, of course, tea. Well, he hoped it was tea. He was really quite thirsty but he really, really, didn't want to gulp down another love potion.

Fluttershy poured them each a cup and proposed a toast to a fine day. Big Mac bit the rim of his cup and picked it up. It looked like tea. He sniffed at the liquid. It smelled like tea. Fluttershy tapped her cup against his and took a drink. He watched with trepidation, but she didn't seem visibly effected. Big Mac closed his eyes and reluctantly took a sip himself. It tasted like tea, with a hint of lemon. Slowly, he lifted one eyelid and peeked past it at Fluttershy. He was not overcome with emotion and did not feel any intense throes of passion for her. He gave a sigh of relief and finished his drink. The small cup wasn't enough to satisfy the thirst of a large pony like him so he set it down and drank from the pitcher instead.

Fluttershy looked at him funny. She picked up a blueberry muffin and took a demure, dainty bite. Big mac of course, went for the apples. He scarfed them down one after another and paused only to spit out the cores. Fluttershy wiped her mouth with a napkin, while he wiped his mouth with his own hoof. He was a bit amused by her genteel mannerisms, but this was a farm – not a palace.

Big Mac finished eating and looked up at the trees. Fluttershy remembered seeing Applejack and Big Mac lean back-to-back after a hard day's work and took this as an opportunity to get closer to him. She walked up next to him and then leaned towards him. He shied away from her where her feathers tickled him, but let her lean in close once she'd folded her wings up.

“Ai reckon you could be a good farmer if ya wanted,” he said.

“I guess you could be a good caretaker too; if you wanted to be,” she said.

This moment was perfect. They leaned together in harmony. The grass rustled in the breeze. Birds chirped in the background. Fluttershy wished there was somepony out there to take a picture. She would have loved to leave things as they were. She felt like they'd made a connection – that they were friends. But she had a deadline to meet. “Big Mac?”

“Hmm?” He wondered what she had to say. Her tone of voice made it sound important.

“Will you be my special somepony?”

“Puu.” Big Mac spat and sat up forcefully, knocking her over. Ne varrowed his eyes and snorted. “Did Apple Bloom put you up to this? Why would she think ai'd even want a pegasus?”

Fluttershy's eyes welled up with tears and her voice quavered, “So, does... does that mean...?” Her hat drifted down in front of her.

Big Mac stepped on it, and leaned down in her face, growling. “No.”

“Bwa-Aaa-aAa.” Fluttershy ran off crying.

“Hrrmph.” Big Mac swung his head up in disgust and scuffed his hooves, abusing that poor hat.

Angel hopped out and bit him.

“Yeouch!” He frantically shook his leg and hopped around trying to dislodge the irate bunny.

Next Chapter:
Ponyville Idol

Author's Note

Go, Angel, go!

“Come on Fluttershy, be a tree,” she blurted out.

Big Mac is best tree.

Ponyville Idol

Ponyville Idol

Rainbow Dash dropped the last of the fliers she'd printed as she flew over Town Hall. This was where she'd started, so she'd made a complete circuit of Ponyville. “This is going to be great,” she told herself as she flew over to the training fields. She'd seen Fluttershy and Twilight as she was distributing the papers but hadn't stopped to chat. If they had anything to say, they could meet her at the fields.

The fields were barren when she got there. On a summer day like this, it was too hot for ponies to be out training anyway. That's why she'd scheduled the race for late afternoon. Empty bleachers sat of to the side. Heh, plenty of room for ponies to come and watch as she- Oh right, she couldn't actually participate in the race herself. She frowned. Near the bleachers was a spot that marked the starting line (and/or finish line) but since the actual track of the race varied depending on the event that was the only marker. She'd have to set out the rest herself. For her purposes, a simple loop would do. She should set up the course now but – yawn – she felt like taking a nap.

Rainbow Dash flew over to a tree and fluffed up a pillow she kept there for just such occasions. She had pillows stashed in trees all around Ponyville. She curled up and closed her eyes but shouting kept her awake. The voice was very familiar. “Huh?” Rainbow Dash got up and rubbed her eyes. “Pinkie Pie?”

“Hey there Rainbow Dash. I heard there was going to be a hot pegasus race here and I got all excited, and I bounced around telling the whole town, and I brought lots and lots of butter, and I-”

“Whoa there Pinkie.” Rainbow Dash flew down to take a closer look. “What in the world are you wearing? Are you dressed up like a... giant megaphone?”

“Oh yeah. That's totally what this is. You got me on that. It's not like – something else entirely. 'Cause that would be silly.” Pinkie stood up and held her forelegs against the sides of her 'megaphone costume'. She kind of rubbed at it a bit too.

“Pinkie, is there something wrong with your ears? It looks like you've got something stuck-”

“What? Oh no no no no no. My ears are perfectly fine. It's just a bit... loud in this 'costume'. That's all.” Pinkie unhitched herself from the cart she was hauling.

“I guess that makes sense. But.. what's all that stuff for?” Rainbow Dash waved a hoof at Pinkie's collection. It was vastly different from the usual fare of confetti and cake and party favors. She did indeed have a lot of butter.

“Oh, you'll see. We should set things up before everypony gets here.” Pinkie Pie look around the training field. “Are these the markers for the race?” She pointed at a checkered flag held up by an orange cone. There were several of them in a pile.

“Yep, those will do. I'll start getting them set up and you can greet the ponies as they arrive.” Rainbow Dash picked one up and Pinkie hopped off.

“Hello Blues Skies,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Hello Pinkie,” he replied, “that's new - even for you. Are you some kind of single-petal flower?”

“Nope. I'm a MEGAPHONE!” Pinkie Pie shouted in his face. He cupped his hooves over his ears and fell over from the force of her voice.

Star Hunter flew in. “Volume, Pinkie,” he warned. Blue Skies got up and rubbed at his ears to keep the ringing down. Pinkie Pie took one look at Star Hunter and hopped over to him. She took a deep breath, and he stuck a hoof in her mouth when she opened it. “Or at least distance,” he said. Pinkie nodded and ran off to climb up a flagpole.

“And over there we have an amazing piece of pony. Just look at the way those muscles ripple and flex,” Pinkie Pie said.

“Do you mean him?” Star Hunter pointed to another newly arrived pegasus:

This one was a living mass of pure power. Twice as large as the average pony, and all of it was muscle. Snowflake fluttered down on his itsy-bitsy-teensy-weensy little wings and yelled, “YEAH!”

“No silly, I mean you.” Pinkie Pie leaned in close to Star Hunter and boinked him on the nose. A feat made all the more impressive due to the fact that she was still on top of the flagpole several meters away. “And this pony-” she poked Snowflake's cheek “-is a great big handsome softy.” Snowflake blushed and backed off.

Rainbow Dash flew over. “Pinkie. That's enough. How about I greet the arrivals, and you can set up the course?”

“Oka-dunka-mokey-loco-motion.” Pinkie Pie choo-chooed her way off, with train noises. Rainbow Dash blinked at her.

Another stallion arrived and Rainbow Dash flew up to make an announcement. “Hey everypony. Glad you could make it. The race won't start for a while but that's no excuse to slack off. Limber up those wings with some warm-ups and stretch those muscles. Hup to it.” Rainbow Dash landed to demonstrate some wing-ups. She made them look effortless. “You want to do your best. Because the winner gets to- to...” Snowflake was perilously close to her flexing his enormous muscles and buzzing the air with his tiny wings. She gulped. “Anyway, you all want to do your best.”

“Wait, what does the winner get to-” Star Gazer didn't get to finish that question. Rainbow Dash had flown over to greet Thunderlane.

“Ponyville's best flier? I wonder who that could be,” Thunderlane asked.

“Well, obviously-” Rainbow Dash started to say.

“I didn't know that Soarin was in town.” Cloudchaser came in behind Thunderlane. She giggled and made goo goo eyes at him.

“Gah.” Rainbow Dash recoiled in shock. This was bad. This was very bad. She couldn't break up a couple. That's why she'd asked for singles. They weren't married yet so he still qualified, but only barely. Rainbow Dash didn't know what to do.

“Pff. Fleetfoot could beat Soarin any day,” Thunderlane blew a kiss to Cloudchaser. She blew one back and flew up to the bleachers to await the race. Thunderlane walked over and joined in the warm-up exercises.

“I think you're all underestimating Misty Fly,” Milky Way said.

“Misty Fly? Don't get me wrong, but I don't think she's won a race since that time in Wiscoltson,” Thunderlane said.

“Yeah, that was quite some race too. The locals thought to spice things up with a tornado but they lost control and it wound up raining frogs. Heh. If they did away with straight courses and added some obstacles Misty Fly's superior agility would put her in the lead every time.” Milky Way neglected his wing-ups while chatting.

“Hey Rainbow Crash.” Dumb-Bell flew in.

“Her name's Rainbow Dash,” Hoops reminded him and landed shortly after, with Score just behind him.

“Yeah, she's cool now,” Score said.

Those three? Rainbow Dash gnawed at her hooves. They were the jocks that made fun of her and Fluttershy in flight camp. They'd gotten a bit better since then but she certainly didn't want to sleep with them – not even if they were the last ponies in Equestria. Rainbow Dash would rather push them off a cliff than jump into bed with them. She didn't want any of them to win either. This race was going to be a disaster.

A flash of light recorded Rainbow Dash's aghast expression for the whole world to see. “Flash Bulb, have you come to join the race too?” she asked.

“No, sorry. I'm here as a reporter. I'd like to stretch my wings but my job comes first.” Flash Bulb took some pictures of the pegasus doing warm-ups.

“Well, if that's all it is, we could get somepony else to take pictures,” Rainbow Dash suggested.

“No! Nopony but me gets to lay a hoof on Shutter Belle.” He hugged and caressed his camera with way too much affection. Rainbow Dash cringed and backed off.

She blinked again when the next ponies to arrive weren't pegasus, or even stallions for that matter. Lilly Valley, Roseluck, and Daisy wandered in and joined Cloudchaser on the bleachers. Goldengrape joined them there. He had his eyes on Daisy. It seemed like somepony had opened the floodgates and the bleachers were soon filled. “What are you all doing here?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“We heard about the race and thought it would be so much fun to watch,” Lilly Valley said.

“I hope it's at least half as good as the iron pony competition. Applejack was so amazing,” Carrot Top said.

“Hey, I won that competition,” Rainbow Dash said, scrunching her face up in annoyance.

“I doubt Applejack will be there given that this is a race for male pegasus and all.” Shoeshine was wearing a beanie? Odd.

“Rainbow Dash is here though,” Blossomforth said.

“That's Right,” Rainbow Dash said, closing her eyes and placing a hoof on her chest.

“Yeah, but she can't compete either,” Mjölna said.

“Even if she can't compete she could still fly with them,” Dizzy Twister said.

“That is right. Good idea.” Rainbow dash left the bleachers and flew back to the training grounds. If she flew with them, she could cheat and influence the results. Not a perfect plan, but if she was subtle enough she could salvage this event with none the wiser.

Crescent Moon flew in. “Sorry I'm late. I hope I can still enter.”

“Oh boy, am I glad to see you here. The Wonderbolts treating you well?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“More the other way. I've gotten to see lots of races, but it's been a long time since I've had a chance to participate in one.” Crescent Moon flexed and stretched with audible pops. “I hope I'm not too out of shape for this.”

“I'm sure you'll do fine. Why don't you get into position? The race should be about to start soon. Pinkie Pie should be just about... finished... What the hay?”

Pinkie Pie bounded over to explain the abomination that she had just created. “Okay, so everypony starts at the starting line because that's what a starting line is and it's hardly be called a starting line if you started someplace else. It wouldn't make sense-”

“Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash said. Pinkie ignored her.

“-And over here we have the first waypoint.” -Pinkie Pie ran down the field- “It's just a straight shot; Dash set that up, but don't let that worry your dirty little hooves off – things get more interesting from there. Seriously though, you should wash those. Can't let the arboreal conspiracy keep a pony down, right?-”

“Pinkie.”

“-Now for the next stop, don't run, don't jump, but dive (yes dive) right into the lake! You'll find the marker on the bottom. And with a short swim, you'll come to-”

“Uh, Pinkie?”

“-the drying station! Why my fine, handsome ponies, here you'll find a luxurious selection of towels to choose from to seductively rub across your dripping, wet bodies-”

“Wha-?” It's a bit hard to get a word in edgewise when one's breath is stolen.

“-Then we can move on to the sunning station, where you can adjust spotlights to highlight your coltly physiques. If that's not enough, you can pose over here against scenes of glory and awe. Defeat an Ursa Minor! Wrestle with a Manticore! Ride Nightmare Moon! All that action and excitement getting you hungry? Well the next stop, we have a whole selection of delicious pies. Grab a bite, chew those pies with passion, and get ready for another lap.”

Rainbow Dash took in a deep breath. “Pinkie!”

“Yes, Dashie?” Pinkie Pie zipped over and snapped to attention.

“This is supposed to be a race! Not a- a- whatever that is.” Rainbow dash pointed randomly in the direction of Pinkie's setups. The crowd on the bleachers whispered to itself. Flash Bulb took pictures.

“Huh, what's wrong?” Pinkie asked.

“What's wrong? There's nothing right. First of all, we can't get our feathers wet – that seriously bogs us down,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Huh? But you fly in the rain all the time.”

“We're water resistant – not waterproof.” Rainbow Dash moved on to the next checkpoint. “Do you seriously thing that in the middle of a race ponies would want to stop and dry themselves? Or stop and sun themselves? Or stop and pose? Or stop for a snack? Stopping's a bit counter-productive to racing, don't you think?”

“Oh, well, um, obstacle course?” Pinkie Pie suggested.

“I guess that will have to do.” Rainbow dash turned around to address the racers. She spoke loud enough for the crown to hear too as she laid out the revised rules. “All right everypony. No swimming, just touch the surface of the lake. Dodge through the rows of towels, avoid the bright lights and try not to let them blind you. Fly by the posters. I guess you can make a pose, if you want, but don't stop. Then finally grab a slice of pie. You don't have to eat it. Twenty laps total.”

“Yep! And we're just about to start.” Pinkie Pie clambered up the flagpole again. “But first let's introduce the contestants. Here we have Milky Way. Such a delicious stallion. The way he melts in your hooves. Does he melt in your mouth too? Any mare would be lucky to claim such a savory sensation.”

“Aaagh.” Milky way buried his face in his hooves and shrunk down in livid embarrassment. The crowd whispered murmurs to each other so loud that they whispered over each other.

“Next, we have Snowflake. A stallion so soft, he'll sweep you off your feet with a gentle, loving embrace.”

“Yeah! ...huh?” Snowflake jumped up to pose but suddenly seemed unsure of himself. Several mares in the audience giggled.

Rainbow Dash didn't pay attention to what Pinkie said. She took a different assessment of the contestants. There were nine total, which was actually a good turnout, but of them she counted five that she definitely didn't want to win. Thunderlane was a good candidate, but he was already taken by another mare. Out of respect for Cloudchaser she couldn't let him win. Snowflake... no, just no. She didn't really want to judge a book by its cover but when the book has no pages, it's kind of hard to avoid that. Hoops, Score, and Dumb-Bell had too much past baggage for her to be interested in them without some serious reconciliation. There was too little time for that. Of the four left, the only one she really wanted to root for was Crescent Moon, due to his position as the Wonderbolt's caretaker. She knew nothing about the others.

“-What he lacks in brains, he makes up for in... lack of brains!” Pinkie Pie continued.

“That's so me,” Dumb-Bell said. The audience broke out laughing.

“And here we have the very epitome of bulging muscles. Flex that plethora of-”

“Can we just get this over with?” Star Hunter cut off Pinkie Pie.

“Okay then – on the count of three-” Pinkie Pie climbed down the flagpole and bent the top down with her as she went. “-one, hat, tree!” With that, she let go and the flagpole twanged in response. It came back with such force that it knocked her over. Fortunately, her 'megaphone costume' absorbed most of the impact.

The race was on.

“Huh, what?” Rainbow Dash was brought out of her introversion by sudden movement and cheers of the crowd. She flew to catch up with the racers through the cloud of dust they kicked up. She didn't have goggles on and it bothered her eyes so much that she squinted. This saved her eyes some pain on the next turn. The race approached the lake from exactly the wrong angle and the sun reflected directly in here eyes. “Gaah.” She wasn't the only one having trouble. A large splash indicated that another pony had gotten caught off guard.

“Ooh, would you look at that.” Pinkie Pie stayed away from the evil flagpole and ran over to the lake. “The race has barely even started and we've already had the first wipeout. Why do they call it that? There's not really much wiping going on. Well I can change that.” Pinkie Pie jumped into the lake and helped pull him to shore. Milky Way was shivering from the cold waters.

“Uh, thanks, Pinkie,” he said and grabbed a towel to rub himself dry. Pinkie seemed to be... helping?... “Pinkie, what are you doing?”

“I'm coating you with butter.”

“What? Why?” Milky way tried dodging her advances, but his footing slipped and he fell over. She really laid it thick on him.

“Perfect! Now we can see how you look in the light.” With a push, Milky Way slid along the ground and bumped up against the spotlights. He knocked one over, but another swung down and stopped with him in its center. “And there you have it folks. Just look at how his coat glistens and shines. He looks just like he's coated in caramel” -Caramel took offense at this and snorted- “and is probably the most delicious stallion in all of Ponyville.” She batted her eyes at him, but he was too preoccupied with hoots and hollers from the audience to notice Pinkie.

“This is crazy.” Milky Way flew off as the racers started on the second lap. The audience sighed at his departure.

Rainbow Dash had been following behind the racers to watch them. It was clear now that there were two lead contenders: Snowflake and Thunderlane. The rest were further behind but more closely contested. Those ranks would change quickly with each passing turn. While the racers touched the lake, Rainbow Dash dashed ahead and hid behind the manticore poster. “Grooar!” she yelled, a... reasonable approximation of an actual manticore.

Startled, Thunderlane and Snowflake bumped into each other and spun out. Thunderlane crashed into the pie table while Snowflake recovered. Cloudchaser shrieked at that development.

“Ooh, already we have another accident,” Pinkie Pie said. “But what comes down must perk back up. Or was it it the other way? But I'm sure this way works too. No pony wants to be down forever.” Pinkie bounded over and laid it on him.

“Uh, Pinkie – what the? Butter?” Thunderlane stood up but slipped on the butter and nearly fell over again. Perhaps she didn't want him to perk back up after all?

“Add a touch here, a bit there, and... perfect. Have a piece of pie and chew seductively. K?” Pinkie stuffed a piece in his mouth and walked off to address the crowd.

“Mmrmph?” Thunderlane was too wobbly with buttered hooves to take the pie out of his mouth. He wound up chewing on it while Pinkie sang about him.

“If it's pies in the sky, he'll make your whole world go by.

He'll fly by your heart and whisk the love from your eyes.

He'll swing by your lips and press against your hips.

Thunderlane's got it going on.

If it's pies in the sky, he'll make your whole world go by.

Don't take your eyes off the pies in the sky.”

He swallowed hard while the audience cheered. Carrot Top's reverie was interrupted by a face full of Cloudchaser's feathers. She sneezed.

Thunderlane might have lost the race, but from the way Cloudchaser pounced on him and carried him off by his tail she didn't seem to care. “Well that's one way to do it,” Pinkie Pie said.

The crowd was really riled up and the mares were shouting out names. Not names of the pony they wanted to win – but names of the pony to knock out of the race next. Pinkie watched as the pegasus flew overhead. She couldn't jump high enough to catch any.

Rainbow Dash was keeping track of the laps. This was the fourth one. She had to find a way to take out Snowflake and soon, after him there were at least three more ponies to eliminate. Pinkie Pie jumped up in front of them and swung her forelegs at the pegasus as they flew by. What was that all about? Hmm, Rainbow Dash spotted a spotlight that had gotten knocked over. She landed by it and set it back up in time to blind Snowflake on his approach. While he was dazzled, she extended a hoof and tripped him. He came crashing down and skidded to a halt near the posters. That was a bit careless of Rainbow Dash but everypony else was probably watching Pinkie Pie anyway. She rejoined the other racers as they caught up.

Like a gift, the giant muscular pony with the ittsy-bittsy wingspan came to rest against the action posters. Pinkie Pie wasted no time basting him. Dripping with butter, she pushed him in front of the Manticore poster. “Ponies of Ponyville, I present to you the Magnificent Snowflake who tamed the Manticore with the kindness of his fine and gentle touch.” She pushed up off the ground and waved her forelegs in the air. She gestured towards him, to prompt a response.

“Yeah!” he reared up and called out. The crowd cheered.

Pinkie pushed him again; this time to the Ursa Minor poster. “And now we see him as his luscious and smooth form soothes the ferocious beast with a gentle lullaby.”

“Yeah.” He... wasn't as enthusiastic but still got some hoots from the crowd.

Pinkie Pie pushed him again, and he faced off against Nightmare Moon. “And now this most eligible stallion comes face-to-face with the final confrontation. See how he makes her give pause with his glistening body. Watch how he forever reforms her to the side of good with the loving harmony of friendship.”

“...yeah.” He didn't even rear up that time, but this got the biggest response from the crowd. They stomped in excitement and reared up in approval.

Pinkie Pie skidded away to grab a spotlight for herself. She leaned towards him. “...and that's the story of how I got my cutie mark!” Snowflake was still watching the crowd.

Roseluck, Lilly Valley, and Daisy hopped down from the bleachers and ran towards him. “Mine!” They all shouted and piled on top. Slick with butter he escaped them and flew off.

“Noooo.”

“Whyyy?”

“The Horror. The Horror.”

The Flower Trio acted in dismay at his departure and fainted for no apparent reason. Pinkie Pie pushed them out of the field. In the crowd, Goldengrape scowled and glared at Daisy. He clearly disapproved of her actions. The rest of the crowd was thirsty for more. They were shouting names so loud the racers started to take notice.

Star Hunter paused for a bit and was nearly dragged down from the sky when pink hooves grabbed his tail. Pinkie had too much butter on them though, and he popped free. “THAT'S IT!” Star Hunter exploded. “Stop! Stop! Stop!” A gentle breeze was the only thing moving. “What is the meaning of this... farce? It's not a race at all, it's some sort of... maleness exhibition. You're just distracting us by keeping us flying in circles so you can pick us off one-by-one and let that pink one feed us to the crowd. I for one, will not be treated like an object. I'm leaving! If you have any sense you'll do the same.”

“Aww.” The crowd sighed. They glanced down like they'd all been caught with a hoof in a cookie jar. After Star Hunter stormed off, the other racers shrugged and followed him. Even if they didn't mind what was going on, Star Hunter had ruined it anyway.

“Wait. Wait. Wait, that's not it at all.” Rainbow Dash hesitated too long and was talking to an open sky. “Doesn't any pony want to finish?”

“I'm still here,” Dumb-Bell said. Indeed, he was.

“Uh...” Rainbow Dash looked at Pinkie Pie. Her eyes were downcast with a frown and she fiddled with the ground. “Mind telling me what was going on?”

Pinkie looked up at her and swung her attention over to Dumb-Bell. “Say uh, Dumb-Bell. Do you want to be buttered up and 'fed to the crowd?'” Pinkie Pie rubbed her hooves together as if trying to wash them.

“Uh, sure,” Dumb-Bell replied.

“Alright everypony! The show's not over yet!” Some ponies who were starting to leave returned to their seats. Pinkie Pie bounced up and down. Dumb-Bell was out of reach. “Get down here,” she hissed at him. Pinkie Pie bounced up and down. Dumb-Bell was still out of reach... “Get him down here,” she hissed at Rainbow Dash.

“Uh, you heard the pink lady.” Rainbow Dash pushed him down like a cloud; well, she was gentle enough not to send him crashing at least.

Pinkie Pie caught him when he came down – then flipped him with some force directly into her vat of butter. “Oof,” he protested. Rainbow Dash watched with wide eyes.

“Watch and be amazed as this once-drab pony is reborn as a being of pure radiance.” The low sun angle glinted off his slick hide as he climbed out of the vat. Globules of butter dripped from his coat. Pinkie Pie cartwheeled by and draped him with towels. “See how he emerges from his prior form as he sheds off the remains of his youth and innocence like a caterpillar emerging from its cocoon.” Dumb-Bell tried to wipe himself clean with the towels, but he was so thick with butter he just soiled them and rubbed the butter into his fur. He looked truly slick and shiny now. “And now, I present to you for the first time: this prim, toned, handsome hunk is a brand new buttered-flier!”

Rainbow Dash changed her mind. He looked so hot now there was no way she'd toss him off a cliff if he were the last pony left in Equestria. Well, not a first, anyway. She was so preoccupied by Dumb-Bell's amazing transformation that she almost missed seeing Pinkie lean forward and bat her eyes at him. He was far too distracted by the sea of mares that came pouring out of the bleachers towards him to notice Pinkie.

The few ponies who were still left in the bleachers were stallions left stunned with shocked expressions. Flash Bulb hovered around taking pictures. Dumb-Bell was crowd surfing. Hoops and Score returned because their friend was missing but when they saw him, they flew down and buttered themselves up in hopes of attracting the crowd. It didn't work. They slipped and fell over.

While the other ponies were distracted, Rainbow Dash bit Pinkie's tail and flew off with her. “Hey,” Pinkie complained. She didn't go far. There was a relatively private place behind some bushes. “What was that for?”

Rainbow Dash glared down at Pinkie. “Pinkie, you completely ruined that race I had planned. Why I ought to-” Pinkie shrunk down. Rainbow Dash stopped and hung her head. She put a hoof to it. “-thank you.”

“What?”

“Pinkie, that race was doomed from the start anyway. You're a good friend. I'm glad the race fell apart. But, uh, I'm still not sure just what exactly you were doing. It was entertaining but very different from what you usually do. Why?”

“Well, I was trying to get their attention, so I could work on that 'project'. You know the one,” Pinkie Pie said.

Suddenly it all fell into place. “You were flirting? You?” Rainbow Dash cracked up and fell out of the air laughing.

“Wha- hey! Are you laughing at me?” Pinkie Pie spat.

“Sorry Pinkie. I shouldn't laugh. It's just – you do know that 'butter him up' is just an expression and not meant to be taken literally, right?”

“Uh... okay. I do see how that's kind of funny.”

“And your method of flirting was just so awkward and wrong.” Rainbow Dash rolled over on the grass and looked up at Pinkie's face.

“Hey! It works when Rarity does it.” Pinkie snorted and looked down at Rainbow Dash. Their faces were very close.

“Are those... earrings?” Rainbow Dash asked. Pinkie Pie backed off in embarrassment.

“That's a really great manestyle,” Pinkie countered. Rainbow Dash flapped her wings and hovered off the ground in embarrassment. She'd completely forgotten all about that.

A flash of light interrupted them. “There you are,” Flash Bulb said. “Can I ask you some questions on behalf of 'The Equine Eye'? Hey-” Flash Bulb swung his forelegs out but Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash ran off in separate directions. “Drat. There goes my exclusive interview.”

He scratched down some more notes and muttered to himself, “I wonder which title is better: 'Pegasus pimp-out, a race for your heart' or 'Butter Down the Pegasus Down' or 'Love at First Flight'?”

"I'd probably go with the 'butter' one." Shoeshine walked up carrying the crumpled remains of her beanie cap in her mouth. It had fallen off and gotten crushed in the crowd. She spat it out. Well, no big loss – it was a beanie, after all.

Next Chapter:
Wrong Princess

Author's Note

Rainbow Dash would rather push them off a cliff...

That's not a as bad as it sounds. They do have wings.

Rainbow Dash cracked up and fell out of the air laughing.

So, you 'Fell Out of the Air Laughing'? Is that like the pony version of LOL? I wonder what a good acronym for that would be...

Wrong Princess

Wrong Princess

Twilight Sparkle huffed out the library. Her friends had fallen through on her again. How could they not see just how serious this was? How could they run off in distress like that? Twilight was distressed too, but she held it together. She had to. She was Celestia's number one student. Number one – in all of history. No other student of hers had ever been granted the privilege of being formally (and magically) recognized as royalty.

She sighed.

She still had a lot to learn. This project of Celestia's was pushing the limits of their friendship. Twilight worried that she might have to learn just how far their friendship could go before it started to break down. That would be an awful lesson, but an important one. She wanted desperately to just abandon this whole thing and reconcile with her friends. She squeezed her eyes shut and shook her head. But if she did that, she'd be admitting their friendship was too weak. She'd also leave Equestria exposed to whatever danger in the future Celestia had foreseen. She had to find a way to complete the assignment and keep their friendship intact. She just didn't know how.

She reread the note again and again. There weren't any clues.

It would be nice if she could discover some detail she'd overlooked. If only there was something she was missing that she could point to and declare that she as wrong all along and thus not have to go through with this whole mess. The note was far too short for hidden secrets. She could see no other option. She took a deep breath and sighed.

Questioning the assignment wasn't getting her any closer to completing it. The thought of completing it though... She shuddered with a sudden chill.

Perhaps she should check on her friends first. Maybe they weren't quite as upset as they'd looked. Applejack was certainly distraught when she left. She was such an honest and dependable pony, though. The shock of it all probably just got to her – but she'd bounce back. Right? Even now she was probably making plans and all Twilight had to do was walk in and they could plan together.

Twilight flew over to her house, but stopped short of going inside. Even from outside she could plainly hear the sobbing of her friend. Twilight's heart sank.

“Oh, Applejack, what have I done?” Twilight curled into a ball, and buried her head under her forelegs. Twilight needed the support of her friends to get through this, but Applejack had none to offer. And she, herself, had none to return. Unfurling herself she left. Fluttershy-

-was in the same state: crying her face off. Twilight stayed away from the windows to avoid revealing herself. Those watchful animals were everywhere. If they saw her, they'd probably turn her away. Even if they didn't, Twilight had nothing to say that wouldn't make things worse. It was an awful feeling. Just sitting on her doorstep listening to her cry could make any pony hurt. Perhaps Twilight could find help from some pony a bit more rational. Rarity-

-wasn't home. Twilight sighed. With no pony there, the boutique was closed up. Twilight sat outside and stared off in thought. She slunk down even further. The ponies passing by didn't seem to notice her. She must have seemed too pathetic for them to even acknowledge her existence. She felt like a puddle of failure. The kind of puddle that only gets noticed by high society ponies so they can drop a coat on her to keep another pony's hooves from getting dirty while treading over her.

This line of though wasn't getting her anywhere. Perhaps she should go back to the library and check her mail. It should be in by now. She startled some nearby ponies when she rose. Perhaps they really did think she was a doormat. She flew off and returned home.

She'd been getting a lot more mail since her coronation. A lot of ponies wanted to invite her to social events. She couldn't just ignore them – so part of her morning routine involved writing polite refusals. Her study of magic was still the most important part of her life and she didn't want to waste time on pish-posh frilly appearances. Well, time to see how... uh... Where was the mailbox?

Twilight looked around, but there was no sign of it anywhere. What the hay had happened to it? Mailboxes don't just fly off on their own. All that was left of it was a small hole in the ground to mark where it had once been. Wait – perhaps it did just fly off – on wings of derp! “Derpy,” Twilight moaned. This would be the second time! How did she still have that job? Well, this was a small town and getting reliable workers could be hard sometimes. The previous mailpony was decent, but he was fired shortly after the Cake twins were born. Twilight was certain that those two events were unrelated.

Regardless, she had no mail to go through. This was another waste of time. It would have been a waste of time even if there was mail. Well, it was time to go back to the boutique and wait for Rarity again. She'd have to return eventually. Where else would she go? Oh, the spa, of course. Why didn't she think of that in the first place? Rarity always hung out at the spa and for a project like this she'd want to look her very best. Twilight abandoned her mailbox hole and flew back through town.

“Greetings, Twilight,” Lotus Blossom said as Twilight came in. “Would you like a hooficure today?”

“Oh, I'd love to stop for a hooficure but I'm looking for a friend first.”

“Oh, you mean Spike? He's enjoying his bubble bath at the moment.” Lotus Blossom motioned to the curtain behind her.

“No, actually I was looking for Rarity,” Twilight said. She'd almost forgotten that she'd sent Spike here to get him out of the way. He hadn't liked it, but it was for the best.

“Oh, well, you see...”

“Rarity?” Aloe finished up adding the mud mask to her client. She walked over to Twilight and nodded briefly. “She left not long ago. She looked terribly upset. I do hope she's all right.”

Twilight looked at Aloe and hung her eyes. That sinking feeling was coming back. Rarity hadn't been that upset to start with. Why was she now? Perhaps Spike knew. No, no – she couldn't ask Spike. He'd have questions of his own: questions that she didn't want to answer. It'd be better not to talk to him. Hmm, if Rarity was that upset, that still left Rainbow Dash. “Sorry girls, but it looks like I'll have to take a rain-check on that hooficure after all.” They were disappointed; and so was Twilight. She walked out the door and paused for a moment.

Where did Rainbow Dash live again?

Of all her friends, she'd never visited Rainbow Dash's house before. Twilight paused in a moment of introspection and flexed her wings. She could now. Ah right, she remembered now. It was almost like part of an old rhyme she'd heard:

...to Dryfeathers's house we go.

Over the foothills, and through the fog;

swing by the river and fly by the creek.

Up through the tunnel and down by the log;

...to Dryfeathers's house we go.

Except – it was Rainbow Dash's house and substituting her name for the original totally ruined the rhythm. Uh... speaking of rhythm... Twilight froze in shock. She'd never thought she'd see something like that again. Rainbow Dash's house was rotating, rotating. The entire house was rotating. Twilight's head spun just looking at it. She couldn't peel her eyes away. The rainbow fountains were dribbling freely off the sides and splashing on the ground. It was something she'd expect from Discord – not Rainbow Dash.

This, this – how could she approach Rainbow Dash like this? It- She- What-

Twilight hung her head again. Twilight wanted to reach out, to help support her friend. But how could she do that when she was so hollow inside herself? It was a common theme for her today – useless, failure. No. She wouldn't give up. There was still hope. There was still Rarity. Rarity-

-wasn't home again. She wasn't far though. Twilight could hear her whine. She thought she'd be used to Rarity's melodrama by now; but it grated at her soul to hear it this time. She flew towards the noise but the sound was misleading and she didn't see her friend. Hmm, the echoes of the streets distorted sounds more than she realized. She could still follow them, though. It'd just take a bit longer.

Twilight arrived at the train station in time for Rarity's big scene. The tear-away cloak-to-rags trick was a nice touch. After Rarity boarded and the train departed, Twilight walked up to collect the discarded hem of her outfit. She rubbed the fabric through her hooves and pressed it against her chest. The emptiness inside her gnawed fiercely at her heart.

“Um, excuse me,” Apricot Bow said. “Would you mind moving? You're holding up the line.”

“Oh, sorry,” Twilight said and walked off. A quick glance at the train schedule made it obvious where Rarity was headed. Once Twilight figured out what to do she'd send a note to Cadance. But how could she figure out what to do if none of her friends could help her? Twilight sighed. She had hoped that it wouldn't come to this:

Pinkie Pie.

Out of all her friends, Pinkie seemed to be the only sane one left. The improbability of it all was grating. Twilight hadn't wanted to see Pinkie about this because she didn't take it seriously in the first place. She'd have to eventually... but the process of getting there could be torture. With trepidation, she tapped on the door to Sugarcube Corner. Usually they were always open for business but today the sign on the door said, “Reservation Only.”

Mr. Cake stuck his head out. “Oh hey, Twilight. Have you come to make a reservation?” he asked.

That must have been one of the invitations that had gotten lost with her mail. “Sorry, Mr. Cake but I just came here to see Pinkie Pie. Is she here?”

Mr. Cake's head disappeared. “Honey, Twilight's here asking about Pinkie,” he said. There was some shuffling, and Mrs. Cake stuck her head out of the door instead.

“Oh Twilight... I'm so sorry but-” Mrs. Cake said.

“Pinkie Pie's not here?” Twilight asked.

“Oh, she is here but... um...” Mrs. Cake cast her eyes down and her voice trailed off.

“Is she really upset or something?” Twilight asked. Her heart skipped a beat. Not Pinkie Pie too.

“Yes... or something. I've never seen her like that. I do hope she's okay.” Mrs. Cake frown was one of genuine concern. “I, I think you should talk to her. I'd do it myself but I'm far too busy with these preparations.”

“I can't do that,” Twilight's voice cracked. She was tearing up. “It's my fault she's like this.” Twilight ran off sniffling. “I'm sorry... I'm sorry...”

Twilight ran off to the library and buried herself in her bed. Pinkie too? She must have just been keeping a straight face until Twilight left. Now there was no hope for her – at all. Some friends they were. Some friend she was. This hole in her was threatening to swallow her whole. A chill crept down her withers. Well, if she had a hole inside, she'd just have to fill it.

She'd find a way to do her part of the assignment. With that task complete, surely she could help her friends through it too. It was a task much easier said than done. Well, sitting in her bed weeping wasn't going to work. She threw off the covers and climbed out of bed. Her nose was runny from crying, her eyes were bloodshot, her mane was a horrible mess. Yeah, she was just the spitting image of beauty right now. Not.

She could straighten her hair, but she still needed a bit of time to recover before going out again. Well, she could always read a book. Wait, books! Of course! That had to be the answer. There were books on everything – even romance (especially romance). She was always accidentally picking up some steamy novel when looking for magical theory or practical spell books. This would be a snap.

Twilight went back downstairs and started levitating books at random. She read off titles as she picked them up. “Cutie Marks and Sunburn: a Conspiracy Theory, Time Dilation, Pre-Discordian History, Tactile Telekinesis, Horses and other Fantastical Creatures, The Salad Fork – a Primer, Rock Farming for Foals... No, no, no, no, no, no, no!” Twilight's frustration canceled her magic and all the books fell to the floor.

She could never understand just why she always had so much trouble finding books in the library. It's like Spike had some sort of super-secret dragon sorting code or something that only he knew. Come to think of it – he did. He called it something like Dewey Decimal.

She looked around the library. It really did look random, disorganized and messy. Well, she could fix that. Lighting up her horn, she levitated all of the books at once. They quickly flew around her as she reorganized them and placed them all back on the shelves. There, all of the books were now sorted by color and by size. The library had never looked more organized than it did now. She beamed. Now all she had to do was find a book. Erm, romance novels would be red... right?

It was no use. She looked though the red books, the pink books, and even the purple books. The closest she could find to an actual romance novel was Daring Do and the Forty Phallic Objects. She also found a joke book and a book on mane styles. She flipped through those briefly, and put the rest back on the shelves. She let out a heavy sigh.

She walked into the back room to powder herself up. It didn't take long to straighten out her hair and a little makeup made her look a lot better. She didn't have any of the recommended dresses to wear, but she did have something else. She removed the Element of Magic from its display case and put the crown thingy on her head. It would have to do.

Well, she'd wasted enough time. Despite the butterflies in her stomach, she walked outside. It was time to get out there and meet some ponies. She didn't have long to wait. Some ponies crashed right into her.

“Hey!”

“Oof.”

“Ow.”

“Aaaah.”

Twilight picked herself up and turned around to see Scootaloo, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle lying in the grass.

“Sorry Twilight,” Scootaloo said.

“What are you little ponies doing here?” Twilight asked.

“Applejack said this book on obscure farming techniques was nothing but trouble,” Apple Bloom said. “So we're returning it and finding something else to do.”

“Hm, sure, that's fine. Hey Spike!” Twilight absentmindedly shouted at the empty library, “Can you help them out?” Twilight paused briefly, and tapped her chin. “And be sure they stay out of trouble too,” she added, and walked off.

The three fillies were a little annoyed at being assigned a chaperon. Spike was easily bribed if need be, but that could get expensive. Hmm, where was he anyway? It was odd that he hadn't appeared yet. “Spike? Spike?” Scootaloo called out. There was no response. They all looked at each other.

“Spike's not here. Was something wrong with Twilight?” Apple Bloom asked. Sweetie Belle shrugged. There would be no supervision after all. The library stood exposed in an open invitation.

Princess Twilight Sparkle was on the go. Ponies stopped what they were doing and bowed as she passed. “What? Why is every pony bowing to me?” Twilight asked herself. Oh right, she was wearing her crown. She'd only picked it up for the looks and completely forgot about the formality that came with it. Well, it was too late to put it back now. Perhaps a bit of added authority could make her task easier instead of worse.

Ah – there was a stallion. He was an Earth pony, but there was no need to be picky. Any type of stallion would do, really. She recognized him from her first day in Ponyville when she met Applejack's family. “Hello there, Apple...”

“Red Delicious.” He bowed. Of course, he'd have to be one of the few whose name didn't actually start with 'Apple.' “You've certainly grown since the last time ai've seen you. It's an honor to make your acquaintance again, your highness.”

“Well, it's good to see a friendly face again,” Twilight said. “Say, I could really use your help for a project of mine.”

“Will it be quick? Ai'm kind of busy here.” Red Delicious looked up at the clock tower. “Well, ai'm not busy now, but ai have an appointment soon.”

“Oh, well, it shouldn't take more than a few minutes really. You see I need...” Twilight stared into his eyes. She was going to ask him? Just like that? A knot of nervousness twisted her tongue shut in protest.

“What do you need, Twilight?” Her nervousness was spreading to Red Delicious too. He was asking to be polite; not because he wanted an answer. He was curious, but Twilight was creeping him out.

“I, um, you see...” Twilight stammered on. She tried to compose herself and force the words out. “I need a foal by next year's Summer Sun Celebration.” She blushed.

“You're... trying to find somepony to foalsit?” Red Delicious asked. “Ai don't see how ai can help with that.”

“Oh no. Not like that. I, uh, need my own foal; and, uh, you can be the father?” Twilight's unhappy fake grin was almost as unnerving as what she was asking.

“Oh no! Would you look at the time. Is it 1:17 already? The train is running almost two hours ahead of schedule. Ai'd best get Granny Smith down to the train station. We sure wouldn't want to miss it.” Red Delicious galloped off as fast as his hooves would take him.

Well that was a bust. At least he tried to make an excuse. Who ever heard of a train departing two hours early anyway? Late maybe – but not early. It hurt to be turned down like that but he was only one stallion. She'd just have to ask another.

Hmm, there were too many ponies in this area, and they were already looking at her. She wanted a bit more privacy. She left that street to go down one a bit more deserted. Ah – perfect, there was a unicorn whispering to someone through a slit in a closed door. He was facing the wrong way to see her.

“Hey Graphite,” she said.

He jumped so high he nearly came out of his skin. His horn sparked in shock. The slit on the door slammed shut and Twilight heard a bar being set in place. Such measures wouldn't stop her if she wanted to go inside but the unicorn was her target. He landed in a heap and scooted backwards until he was cornered up against a crate and the alley wall. “Um, Princess.” He swallowed.

“What was that about?” Twilight asked. She motioned at the door and narrowed her eyes inquisitively.

“There is no illegal bunny trafficking ring!” he blurted out.

“I... never said there was... ?” Twilight's raised her eyebrows and lifted up a hoof. He'd said to much.

“Heh-heh, well, in that case I'd best be on my way.” Graphite cast a spell and phased through the side of the crate. The whole thing lifted up off the ground a few centimeters and tip-tapped down the alley before disappearing around a corner. Twilight just stood there blinking. She never even got to ask him her question; but after that display she didn't really want to. What was that nonsense about rabbits anyway? It wasn't illegal to own them or breed them or whatever. She'd... look into that later.

For now she'd continue her task.

Coming out of the alley, she spotted a nice looking pegasus. Perhaps a joke would help to get things started this time. “Hey Star Hunter, if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

“Yes, yes I would.” Twilight leaned closer to him. He let her fall over. “As a matter of fact, I'm going to Town Hall right now to complain about you.” He flew off.

Ugh. Twilight got up and dusted herself off. That was worse than last time. Surely there had to be better ponies than that in this town. This project was proving to be a lot more difficult than she'd anticipated. She hated walking up to random ponies just to ask for their... 'help.' But if one would actually say, 'yes,' then she could get it over with and move on to helping her friends. Well, who should she ask next? She spotted another pegasus.

“Spectrum,” Twilight said. He noticed her and bowed.

“Yes, Twilight?” he asked.

“Well, I'm sure this is going to sound super awkward, but it's very important for me to birth a foal by next year and I need a stallion to- Uh, Spectrum?” He was curled up whimpering in a fetal position. She poked him. He spasmed in response then went right back to whimpering. That was kind of funny, actually. She poked him a few more times.

“Ack, Gtphu, Yergh-” He struggled to make coherent words. “Per-perhaps you should a-ask the s-stallion who lives th-there.” He unfurled himself enough to point at the shop behind Twilight.

The sign read, 'Jumbo Jellies.' Twilight stepped inside and looked around. The air was thick with the odor of fruit. The shop was full of extra-extra large, massive, and jumbo sized containers of jams, Jello, and jelly. She didn't see any pony there, though. “Hello?” she called out. “Jar Jar?”

“Meesa loves tubs of jelly!” A large head erupted from one of the vats. He was grinning from ear to ear.

“Aaaaaah!” The sight shocked Twilight so much she teleported out. She reappeared outside with her horn glowing from the effort. Her breath came in short, labored gasps. Her heart pounded in her chest. She struggled to calm herself down. That face was going to haunt her nightmares. “On second thought, I think I'll skip that one.”

Noteworthy walked up to her and bowed briefly. “Skip what? Are you okay, Twilight?” he asked.

Ooh, this one came to her. This could be promising. “Oh, you know how it is. One morning Celestia sends you a note telling you to get pregnant as quickly as possible and the next thing you know you're walking around town asking all the-”

“Celestia would never ask a pony to do something like that.” Noteworthy scoffed at the notion.

“Well she did. To me. This morning.” Twilight scrunched up her face in defense of her mentor and leaned forwards to emphasize her point. Noteworthy's eyes darted around. He was clearly looking for an exit. Oh no he didn't...

Twilight lit up her horn to teleport them someplace a bit more private and less open. They wound up in a tree, swaying from the top branches. “Aaah,” Noteworthy cried as he clung to his branch. He was just above her.

“Whoops, sorry. That's not what I meant to do,” Twilight said. “If you jump on my back I can fly-” He jumped-

-the wrong way.

Twilight cringed as branches snapped and broke from his descent. He landed with a horrible scream amongst the sounds of shattering glass. “Nooo! Not my stained glass caltrops collection.” Lyra yelled.

“I regret nothing,” Noteworthy said. Twilight flew off. She no longer wanted to have any part of this. From a safe distance, she watched as some ponies placed him on a stretcher and carried him off to the hospital. They worked quickly. He should recover in a few days, probably.

Great. She'd actually managed to injure a pony. She'd have to be more careful. Her magic could have a mind of its own sometimes. She'd spent her whole life dedicated to the study of magic just so stuff like this wouldn't happen. Yet – it still did every once in a while. At least she could take comfort in the fact that unicorn magic never happened without a reason.

She flew down from her perch and snorted. It didn't seem to matter what she said. They all got cold hooves regardless. A leaflet fluttered down and smacked her in the face. She knocked it off and grumbled. Her sour mood was interrupted by another pony. Ooh, another unicorn this time. Twilight stopped to comb the sticks out of her hair and wipe off the tree sap.

“Hello, Written Script,” she said. “Are you busy?”

“Greetings, Twilight.” He bowed. “Oh, I'm not really busy. I've just been trying to come up with some dialog for this story I'm writing but I can't think of anything.”

He was a writer? That could work in her favor. All she had to do was think of something he'd written. She'd read tons of books. Surely one of them must be his... Hmm... odd... Normally she was good at remembering authors, but she couldn't recall ever seeing his name. Written Script leaned into her ear and whispered, “Pre-readers are cancer.”

Twilight cringed and backed off. She'd better ask him the question before he said anything else she found distasteful. “I wish to foal,” she said flatly. “I choose you.”

“Yes-” he started to say.

Yes? Yes. Yes? Some pony actually said, 'Yes?' She seized up. Her body clenched in ways she thought not possible. Her breath stopped working. Her heart shriveled up.

“-that's brilliant. That's the perfect dialog for my story.” he finished. Twilight breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Wait – no. She should be upset about this. She'd wanted him to say, 'Yes' ...right? Now she'd have to try again... drat. Twilight blinked. What was that bit about 'perfect dialog' again? That was the worst thing she'd said all day.

He took her continued presence as a sign that she wanted to hear what he was writing. “Princess-Princess Alisparkle Twilicorn's sweat glistened in the sunlight and her eyes twinkled in the full moonlight. Rays of sunset emanated from behind her and seemed to extend from her luxurious eyelashes that were highlighted by the crescent moon while the sunrise uplifted her tail. Her mane took in the starlight of a moonless night and slowly, seductively, dripped it out as it flowed on the overcast sky and pulsated, rippled, undulated, throbbed, and vibrated with throes of warbling passion. 'I wish to foal,' she said, spoke, told, dictated as a reflection of a meteor shower passed over her eyes. 'I choose you.'” Written Script looked up from his writing. “So what do you think?” he asked. “Twilight? Twilight? Where'd you go?”

Twilight was once again in a tree, covered in pine needles and tree sap. She couldn't stop hyperventilating. That had to be- The. Worst. Possible. Thing. -that she'd ever heard. The mental image alone of the celestial bodies crashing into each other and trying to move out of each others way to make that description work just made her head hurt.

The world spun and she felt dizzy. She closed her eyes and forced herself to breathe slowly. The dizziness passed and she felt more equine again. She opened her eyes and stared out blankly. This day was not going well. She couldn't give up though. It was too important.

She could hear voices talking down below. “Thanks for letting us borrow the tools Mjölna,” Apple Bloom said. “We'll bring them back when we're finished.”

“Do be careful with them,” Mjölna said.

“We promise we won't break any.” Apple Bloom added a bunch of chisels and hammers to their cart. Twilight could see that they already had several other tools including a jackhammer. What in the world could they need all that for? A knife of apprehension sliced through Twilight.

Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. Spike was still at the spa. She'd left them at the library completely unattended. There was no telling what sort of trouble they'd gotten themselves into. They'd probably knocked the whole place down and it was all her fault and she'd have no place to stay and Princess Celestia would be so upset and- Oh.

It was fine.

Twilight landed gently and walked inside. There was hardly any mess at all. A few books were misplaced: there were a few left on the floor and a green one was stuck between two yellow ones. Other than that she could see no signs that they'd even been there at all. Wait-

The basement door was open.

Twilight walked through and turned on the light. She'd been expecting chaos, but the laboratory was about the same as she'd left it. The neatly arranged broken quills she was going to experiment on had been messed up. Perhaps a beaker or two was in a different spot. It was unlike that group of fillies to pass up an opportunity to try something new in hopes of earning a cutie mark. They really must have just stopped by to find something else to do – something that happened to involve a lot of tools. What could it be? It was a mystery. Well, she'd probably find out eventually. She could leave them to their own devices. She had her own project to work on. She turned off the light and left the basement.

Ugh.

She flopped down. She wanted to just crawl upstairs and bury herself under the bed until the world ended. (Which could happen in a year if she didn't get this project completed). Ugh. She thought she heard Pinkie Pie outside, shouting. That couldn't be true. Pinkie wouldn't be up again so quickly. Ugh. Now Twilight was hearing things and she was going insane. Ugh. Her personal sanity was irrelevant. Her feelings were irrelevant. She wasn't doing this for herself. She had to do this for Equestria. Celestia had faith in her. Twilight couldn't let her down. She had to get back out there and keep asking.

Twilight forced herself off the floor. “Yeouhch.” Great. Now her floor was covered in tree sap, pine needles, and tufts of lavender fur. She really needed to clean herself off. Spike could get the floor.

Twilight didn't have any trouble using the hose outside with her magic. She washed off all traces of the sticky sap. Once she was done, she dried herself with a towel and combed down her mane. She was still damp but better than before. The wet fur smell was slightly muted by the odor of pine. Well, she was as presentable as she was going to get without a complete makeover. Who next?

Twilight spotted a construction worker. He looked like he was finishing up early. Twilight walked over to talk to him. “Hello, Jim Beam.”

“Greetings, Princess.” he bowed. Whoops – Twilight had forgotten to put her crown away.

“Do you find me attractive at all?” Twilight asked. She grinned and bared her teeth.

“Um, yes?” Jim Beam nervously replied. That was a deadly question.

“Great. Let's make babies.” She clapped her hooves together. Her eyes narrowed to points and drifted away from each other.

“Right here? In the middle of town?” Jim Beam tried to back off but she pressed forward and kept him pinned down with her gaze.

“Sure-” Twilight suddenly had a mental image of that taking place. The mayor would be so upset. “-or my place – or yours.”

“As much as I'd love to I simply can't. You, uh, you see- My, uh, goldfish, yes goldfish, I, uh, think it has rabies, yeah. And I need to take care of it.” Jim Beam tried to avoid looking into those crazy eyes.

“Can goldfish even get rabies? Why would you think it has rabies?” Twilight stopped pressing herself forwards and Jim Beam was able to get a bit more space.

“Well... one of the signs of rabies is fear of water,” Jim Beam said.

“What makes you think your goldfish is afraid of water?” Twilight's confusion gave her pause and she allowed Jim Beam to gain too much distance.

“It's on fire,” he said and ran away.

“Wha? Your goldfish has rabies because it's on fire? But... how?” Twilight just stood there stammering long after he left. This was yet another failure. This wasn't working at all. If only there was a group of ponies she could just order around to do her bidding. Oh wait; there was.

“Eeee,” Twilight droned as she inhaled. She flew over to Town Hall. There was a line at the complaints department, but she wasn't here for that. A small group of Pegasus Royal Guards were quartered here until better arrangements could be made. They were there to accompany Twilight on her official duties and pull her chariot, if need be. Needless to say, they didn't get out much.

Ever at ready, they snapped to attention when she flew in. They stood there stoic and unmoving, awaiting orders. “Ha ha ha. Oh boy am I glad you're here. I don't know why I didn't just come here in the first place.” Twilight's laugh sounded a bit deranged. “You see, I'm on orders to produce a foal for next year, and I need a willing stallion.”

They stood there stoic and unmoving.

“I mean you. Er, just one of you. No any of you. Just, not all at once.”

They stood there stoic and unmoving.

“Is... is it the way I smell? Do I stink? Is... is it my mane? Is my hair out of place? Do... do you not like me?”

They stood there stoic and unmoving.

“Ugh. Fine-” she snorted “-be that way.” Twilight turned around to leave. There was a clatter and a crash. She swung her head around and smacked face-first into an expanding dust cloud. It felt a bit more solid than she'd expected but she was part pegasus now. When the smoke cleared she could see four pony-shaped holes in the wall and pieces of discarded pieces of armor were rocking gently on the floor.

“Grrr.” Why was it that when Celestia ordered her to do something she jumped right to it, but when she ordered a pony to do the same thing he ran away? Twilight stormed out in anger.

Outside she spotted another unicorn. His name was Neon Lights. “Hey,” she said.

“Princess.” He started to bow. Twilight cut him off.

“You. Me. Sex. Now.”

“Whoa, you're forward. Almost as much as my current marefrie- Hey!”

“Yoink.” A white mare with a blue boot for a cutie mark bit his tail and started dragging him off.

“Booty Call,” he complained. He tried to struggle, but his flimsy unicorn legs were no match for the superior strength of an Earth pony.

Once again, Twilight was left alone.

Not for long – she spotted a pegasus flying overhead that took her fancy. With her magic, she caught him by the tail and dangled him in front of her. “Why hello there, Stormfeather.” Twilight licked her muzzle.

“Uh... Twilight.” Stormfeather blinked at her. He struggled to bow but it was impossible to do properly upside-down.

“Perfect. I'll just take this one home with me,” Twilight said and carried him with her.

“Twilight?” He swung back and forth dangling in the air.

“He he he. Why didn't I think of this before? Mine all mine.”

“Twilight!” Stormfeather shouted.

“Ugh. What is it?” Twilight paused and turned to look at him, Her eyelids were low and flat and she frowned.

“Uh, well, I hate to say it, but, my chicken – she tends to molt this time of year and she, uh, needs my help.” His grin looked like a frown from where she was standing.

“Your chicken – you need to help her molt?” Twilight's eyes narrowed and she snorted in his face.

“Yes.”

“You don't even know what I want, and you'd rather help your chicken molt?”

“Yes.”

“Ugh fine! Go molt your chicken!” Twilight canceled her magic and dropped him. He scrambled to recover and fly off. “See if I care! I could be molting too, you know,” she called after him. She checked herself to make sure that she wasn't actually molting. Her feathers didn't seem loose.

That was another bust. It was clear by now that no pony she asked would have anything to do with her. She might as well go home. “Am I really that intimidating?” Twilight asked herself. Yes, she was – and it was all the fault of her stupid crown. She walked up to her study room to put it away. She could see the sunset through the window. Great, she'd wasted the whole day with nothing to show for it. If only there was something she could do to make this whole thing easier. The floor still had that star-shaped scorch mark in it from when she-

Magic.

Of course, magic would be the answer. She jumped with glee. No more lame excuses. No more running off. All of the stallions in this town weren't going to just want her. Oh no – they were going to need her. It was perfect.

Twilight's horn sparked and glowed. She concentrated on the spell she was going to cast. Ack! Wait, not that spell. Anything but that spell.

Sudden dread filled Twilight. She couldn't stop. Her horn kept gathering magic. She tried to twist the magic into something else, but it resisted her. Her eyes were glowing. The sheer power of the spell lifted her off the ground. She was helpless in its grasp. She felt something 'pop'. The magic drained from her. She slumped to the floor in relief.

Heaving from exhaustion, she lifted a foreleg to her brow to wipe off the sweat. She knocked off her crown thingy. The Element of Magic was glowing and gradually faded. The element had absorbed her spell? Twilight didn't know such a thing was even possible. She wasn't going to question it though; it saved her flank from a lot of trouble. Twilight didn't turn around to see it, but if she had she would have seen the Element of Generosity light up as Magic faded.

Next Chapter:
A Beautiful Heart

Author's Note

Twilight, you are not Molestia. You are so bad at this.

There's a book called, Daring Do and the Forty Phallic Objects? No wonder Rainbow Dash enjoys that series so much.

Oh, well, it shouldn't take more than a few minutes really.

Those are some high expectations there, Twilight.

A Beautiful Heart

A Beautiful Heart

Spike was running out of bad ideas. “She really likes the color green,” he told Orion. He may have said that already, but this weepy pony clung to his every word. Orion had been sitting in this bath almost as long as Spike. He was turning into a giant prune. Spike, himself was getting fed up with the bath but it hadn't been seven hours yet. He still had at least one more hour to go.

Aloe and Vera came in carrying another bucket of steaming hot water. The communal bubble bath was pretty full by now, so they poured the water on top of Spike.

“Too cold,” he complained and took a deep breath. The spa ponies dodged out of the way as he blasted the bucket with green fire. It remained suspended in the air by his flame. The water boiled, and steam poured down on top of him. When the bucket was empty, it too melted and dribbled on Spike. Once that was done, Spike was the only one left on that side of the pool.

“Ah, much better.” He kicked back and relaxed.

Aloe loomed over him. Her face was scrunched up in a frown. “Okay, bath time's over,” she said.

“What, but it hasn't been seven hours yet,” Spike complained.

“Each bucket costs you an hour. Get out,” she demanded.

“Okay, okay.” Spike picked himself up and left. Bah. He didn't really want to have that bath anyway. He'd been in a sour mood ever since Twilight kicked him out with no explanation. He wanted to go back to the library and demand answers but Twilight would probably just complain if he came back early.

Spike had some time to kill and he didn't plan on being gentle with it. Hmm, if he couldn't go back to the library, than where could he go? Ah! There was a place near the base of the mountain where he'd left some unfinished business.

When they were practicing magic at one point, Spike had convinced Twilight to copy Rarity's gem-finding spell. She stopped when she realized that he only asked because he wanted the gems for himself. Still, he'd managed to mark off several locations and he hadn't had a chance to dig them all up yet. The delicious gems would be sure to take his mind off his troubles.

When he got there, he could see the Cutie Mark Crusaders chipping and carving away at a large boulder. It looked like they were making a statue of an alicorn. That wasn't all; they had a bucket set aside for gems they'd uncovered. Spike didn't even realize he'd picked one up until Apple Bloom knocked it out of his claws.

“Spike, we need those gems to pay for the tools we've borrowed,” she said.

“Sorry,” Spike said. Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo stopped working to look at Spike. “What are you working on?”

“We're making a statue for the art festival next year.” Scootaloo handed Spike a piece of paper.

Spike read it silently and looked up when he was finished. “Great job girls. That statue looks great. It really looks like, uh-” The dust settled enough for him to get a better look at it. “Twilight doesn't look like that.”

“What?” Sweetie Belle squeaked.

“Yeah, we're not making Twilight,” Scootaloo said.

“Then, who is it?” Spike asked.

“Rarity.”

“Rainbow Dash.”

“Applejack.”

The three of them looked at each other and what they'd done so far. Sweetie Belle had added Rarity's head and forelocks. Scootaloo had added Rainbow Dash's wings and crest. Apple Bloom had added Applejack's tail and cutie mark.

“Oh, we really messed it up this time,” Sweetie Belle moaned.

“And ai thought for sure we were doing so well,” Apple Bloom said. She was crestfallen.

“Aww,” they all whined.

“No no.” Spike waved his arms motioning for them to stop. “You've actually done a great job. It's, uh, it's like you've invented a new princess: The Princess of Sisters.”

“Really?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Yep. And to prove it I'll send in a reservation for you.” Spike materialized a parchment and a quill using a trick with his dragon fire. He penned out a note and sent it off.

“Ooh.” Scootaloo was impressed with his trick.

“Buurp!” Spike belched into the air and the response materialized. Scootaloo was less impressed with that.

“Ahem,” Spike unfurled the note and read it:

“Dear Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and Apple Bloom,

Thank you for your timely submission. I very much look forward to seeing this 'Princess of Sisters'.

PS. Spike, please remind Twilight and the others to send in their reservations as well. Space is limited and running out quickly.

-Princess Celestia”

“See, even Celestia likes the idea,” Spike said in triumph.

“Wow, Spike, you're so awesome.” Scootaloo hopped down and rubbed Spike on the head. Sweetie Belle giggled.

“Thanks girls, but I guess I'll be heading back to Twilight. She'll want to hear this too.” Spike tucked the letter underneath his arm.

“Wait, Spike.” Apple Bloom said. “We could use your help with the statue. We wanted to finish before dark but we haven't even started on the base yet.”

“Uh... I don't know...”

“You can keep any gems you uncover,” Apple Bloom said.

“All right! Sure, I'll help.” Spike dropped the letter and grabbed a hammer and chisel. He was totally going to add Twilight's legs.

“Yay,” the three fillies cheered and got back to work.

***

The train ride to the Crystal Empire was long and cold. Rarity kept the window open most of the time, even as they approached the Frozen North. Brr, the Frozen North – the dread king, Sombra, had been turned to turned into smoke and banished there for a thousand years. It was hard to believe that any pony could ever deserve such a fate until she'd seen him for herself. Sombra was gone forever now, but his ghost still seemed to haunt these lands.

With no pegasus here to control the sky, it often snowed. Well, it always snowed. On a good day, it would flurry instead of blizzard. From the looks of things, the snow was starting to pick up again. The wind howled and- Whump. Rarity looked behind her. A unicorn a few rows down had gotten fed up with the draftiness and shut her window for her. “Harrumph,” Rarity said in disdain.

So much for distracting herself with the scenery. Rarity leaned back in her seat and grumbled. The train car was nice and all, but looking at other ponies (particularly the crystal ones) kept making her think of that 'project'. How could Celestia ever ask for such a thing and how could Twilight ever put up with such an unreasonable demand. A sparkling reflection caught her eye, is it had been doing this entire trip. It was rude, but she couldn't help but stare.

Rarity always told herself that she'd want to be with another unicorn, but the crystal ponies were just too beautiful to pass up. She felt excited just looking at them. They were so exotic.

“Ack, no no no, Rarity. You shouldn't swoon at them like that,” she told herself. That kind of behavior wasn't very lady-like. Or perhaps, it was too lady-like. Regardless, it wasn't proper behavior. Proper ladies don't drool.

What a fine mess she was in now. Without the cold air from the window things had really begun to heat up in here. It was stifling. She opened the window again to the groans of the ponies behind her. Fortunately, they didn't have long to suffer since the train was slowing down. The journey was over.

Amidst the barren wasteland of the Frozen North, the Crystal Empire was an oasis. The land was green, and the sky was clear. Emanating from the spire of the central palace, an aurora of hope, joy, and love spread out and radiated across all of Equestria. The hues were simple, but definitive. In the center of it all was a heart. An actual heart. A crystal heart. A beautiful heart. She sighed.

Looking around the train station, Rarity spotted the souvenir shop. They seemed to be out of snow globes, but had plenty of sports-related items to choose from. Rarity selected a figurine of an ice skater that she liked. It would be a gift for her sister. The figurine had such an adorable little outfit on that she couldn't help but marvel at the simplicity and elegance of the design. Well, it wouldn't hurt if she kept it to herself for a while to base some outfits off of the Crystal Empire uniform, right?

Item in hoof, she approached the salespony. He was a radiant blue stallion. She placed the figurine on the counter.

“That will be six bits,” he said.

“My, you're looking just positively brilliant and handsome today.” She leaned forward to look into his eyes. The faceted reflection on them fascinated her. Her tongue hung out, and she drooled a bit. She just kept staring at him, as close as she could get.

He fidgeted awkwardly. “Um, Miss, do you want me to lower the price?” he asked.

“Oh! Oh.” Rarity snapped out of her trance and blushed deeply. “If, if you would be so kind...” Rarity dropped some coins on the counter.

He accepted the four bits she gave him and breathed a sigh of relief when she left. Rarity still kept blushing. The image of his sparkling blue form kept clouding her mind. Rarity shook her head. Why was she feeling like this? She tried to clear her head and looked up at the Crystal Palace. Perhaps Cadance would know.

Cadance! Of course. She could solve all of Rarity's problems. She might not have been able to talk to Spike, but that wouldn't be a problem here. Cadance could get a direct response from Celestia too.

Rarity galloped through the streets. The prismatic buildings and shiny walkways were a far cry different from the earthy hues of her home town. Not that Ponyville wasn't colorful too, but here it was just different. Crystal ponies dodged to get out of her way. It had always been her dream to move to Canterlot and join the upper echelons of high society, but she was sure she could be happy here too. It even had a palace and everything. She was driven with purpose, but stopped by guards.

“Halt. Who goes there?” The two Pegasus Royal Guards opened their wings to block her passage.

Rarity panted to catch her breath. She decided that wasn't very stylish, though, and struck a pose where she swung her head aside and placed a hoof to her forehead. “I simply must see Cadance as soon as possible. It's very important.”

“Uh, who are you Miss...?”

“Rarity. Don't you recognize me? I'm a very important pony.” Rarity tried to look as dignified and hurt as she could.

The guards looked at each other. “We're sorry but we weren't expecting a... Rarity today. Cadance is terribly busy. Perhaps you should seek an audience the proper-”

“Wait, isn't she the pony who filled in when our manedresser fell ill that day?” another pony said.

“Yes, she helped us win the bid for the Equestrian Games.” Rarity looked around. A couple of curious crystal ponies had followed her here. At least they recognized her. Fortunately, they were all mares. Rarity could at least keep her emotions in check for a while longer.

The guards whispered to each other. “Very well, we'll go ask.” The first guard nodded to the second and he walked off. “But Cadance really is busy. You shouldn't get your hopes up.”

The second guard returned and shook his head. “Cadance is delighted that you're here but she's too busy with the delegate from Unicornicopia to see you right now. He's been here all day actually. He's upset that the Crystal Empire beat them on their bid for the Equestian games and he's so certain that we cheated somehow. Cadance doesn't want to get on his bad side since Unicornicopia is the best place to get weather-control spells from.

“They're a northern city as well and that don't have that many pegasus, so the unicorns do most of the work. If we're to host the games properly, we'll need those weather spells. We get plenty of snow and such, but you can't exactly do any skiing or ice skating in a blizzard. We'd ask Cloudsdale to help instead, but the air is just too cold here for most pegasus to handle.” The guard shivered. He'd apparently been up there himself.

“Oh dear,” Rarity said, “why don't you ask Twilight? I bet she could do it.”

“Twilight? One pony?” The guard scratched his head. “Oh, you mean Princess Twilight.” The guards broke out laughing. Rarity didn't know what was funny. “While you're at it, why don't you ask Celestia too? I bet she could do it. Ooo – or the Wonderbolts! I bet they'd love doing weather patrol.”

Rarity walked off while the guards continued laughing. She knew that Twilight would help if Cadance asked for it, but that could reflect badly on her if she had to rely on another princess to solve the problems of the Crystal Empire. Not that Cadance would have a problem with that personally but she did have appearances to keep up.

From the sound of things, Cadance wasn't likely to finish anytime soon. Rarity walked to the plaza under the palace to admire the Crystal Heart. It was one of the most powerful magical artifacts in Equestria. It was the soul of the Crystal Empire. It hung in the air and hummed softly as it collected the emotions of the crystal ponies and resonated their hope, joy, and love across the world. But now that she had a chance to examine it up close it looked- dare she even think it? -crude.

Rarity had an eye for gems, and this one was lacking. It was plain compared to its surroundings. The palace, the streets, even the crystal ponies (especially the crystal ponies) were all more radiant, brilliant, and much more deeply faceted than the Crystal Heart. Shouldn't the thing at the center be the most brilliant of all? It was a mystery to her. She wondered why that was, and like it or not, she was about to find out.

She couldn't see it through the clouds, but the sun touched the horizon.

A strange tingling welled up in her. It felt like magic, but she wasn't casting any spells. There was a pressure building, it felt like something powerful was seeking an outlet. Her horn flared up on its own. Rarity felt something pop, and she was suddenly flooded with magic. A magical spark flew, and in that instant she was connected to the Crystal Heart.

She could suddenly see, hear, feel and almost even taste every crystal pony in the empire, even across all of Equestria. They responded in turn. They were puzzled, wary, afraid. Fear. A shadow still lurked within the heart. A green haze overtook Rarity's eyes as the corruption tried to take hold.

Fear.

The crystal ponies were hers to command. All she had to do was turn their fears back on them. Let hatred take hold and bind them in chains against their will.

“King Sombra!”

“He's back!”

Yes... The corruption almost seemed to have a voice. Give in...

She was vaguely tempted, but the very thought sent chills through her core. Or perhaps she was feeling the chills of the crystal ponies. It didn't matter. She disliked it either way. This corruption wasn't the only force pressing against her. The pure magic racing through her horn caught on to her reluctance and pushed back. Rarity threw up.

This awful, lingering, black magic. It sickened her. This... this greed for power. It went so much against who she was, what she was: the bearer of the Element of Generosity. Sure, she might have a weak spot for things, but, it was the very fact that things were important to her that made her generosity all the more meaningful when she gave them up. Now, she held the lives of the Crystal Empire in her hooves. Hers for taking. This thought made her furious. She'd never, ever, ever take the freedom from other ponies and force them into her bidding.

Rarity pulled a cloth from her saddlebags and polished the Crystal Heart. With the strength of her will, and the power of the magic coursing through her, she forced out the last of the dark magic lingering within the heart. It hissed in protest and tried to fight back but she was stronger. Her rag was soiled and soaked with bubbling blackness and steaming with green and purple smoke. Time to get rid of it. A dark-fic writer cried out in horror as Rarity tossed aside his brilliant idea and snuffed it out for good.

Without the blackness trapped inside, deep facets within the heart were able to reach the surface and glisten. The heart was once again as intricate and majestic as it was always meant to be. The Crystal Empire breathed a sigh of relief.

Now, with that out of the way, Rarity could do things her way. Once again, she looked into the heat, and could see into the hearts of others. They were still wary and apprehensive, but the fear was gone. They were almost calm. Rarity took that all in, and now she wanted to give something back. But what could an empire need? What could she offer?

What she felt from the crystal ponies, was not quite what she expected. They'd been gone for a thousand years; banished by the dark king. And even before that they had been enslaved by fear and hatred. They were having trouble recovering. What love they had to offer, they'd used like a shield to protect themselves. They had little left for themselves. The stallions, oh the stallions... She could see them all through the heart. Well, Rarity had more than enough love of her own to offer. All of that passion that kept welling up in her – she let it spill out and let others feel it too.

The Crystal Heart wobbled in the air. It became unbalanced, and tilted to one side. The colors that it reflected changed. The blues and yellows of hope and joy faded in the night sky. The crimson color of love and passion deepened. The aurora broke free of its tiny band and spilled across the entire sky. All of the ponies in the Crystal Empire – no, not just them – all of the ponies everywhere, they felt the change too. It was sudden, unexpected, and intense. They boiled with passion.

With her magic spent, her connection to the Crystal Heart ended and the light of her horn winked out. Rarity slumped to the ground. (But quickly got up and scooted away from her vomit). She looked around to see what she'd done and locked eyes with Cadance.

Cadance said nothing. Her eyes welled up with tears of happiness: liquid pride. She gave Rarity a quick hug and flew off. Rarity watched her leave. The light shone brilliantly through her. She was crystalline again. Rarity looked at herself. She was crystalline too.

Rarity jumped with glee. She dashed around wildly. She had to find a reflective surface. She wanted to drink in her own image. But when she did find a mirror, she caught the reflection of a crystal stallion behind her. She could vaguely recall his hopes, his dreams, his passions. Her own passion was on fire. She grinned so wide it didn't even fit on her face completely. Tonight was going to be just perfect.

Next Chapter:
Life, Night of

Life, Night of

Life, Night of

In Canterlot, at the castle of the royal pony sisters, Celestia and Luna were preparing to exchange day for night. Celestia had just finished lowering the sun and was about to pass off the reigns of the sky to her sister when they saw it change color.

“What's that?” Celestia was taken aback by the alteration. Just as strange as the change of hues were the feelings that awoke within her. She was so old; she didn't think such feelings were possible anymore.

“The Crystal Empire? Is it under attack?” Luna jumped up and hovered of the ground. Her head darted around looking for a possible cause.

“I... don't think so.” Celestia took a long time to respond.

“How can you say that? Something has clearly subverted the Crystal Heart and bent it to its evil ways.”

“It's just... The Crystal Empire radiates hope, joy and love. And that-” she spread a wing to the sky “-is still love.”

“What? That?”

“Yes. Love has many facets, after all. Don't you remember what it was like to be young and full of passion?”

“...well I do now.” Luna landed and walked out to the tip of the balcony. “But it's not right. Love might have many facets but that particular one is... less than pure. It has no real place in civilized society. We should go to the Crystal Empire and put and end to this, post haste.”

Celestia scrapped a hoof-plate on the stone floor. It gave off a small spark. Luna quietly groaned. This was a sure sign that her sister as about to get philosophical. “Hmm, who are ones such as we to decide what is pure and what is not? We place so much weight on our structures and our formalities that sometimes it's good to be reminded that we are still living beings; that deep down, we are pony.”

“Yes, well, I'm done being reminded now. So if thee don't mind-”

“Hold sister. The Crystal Empire is Cadance's domain. We agreed to this.” Celestia's stretched out her wings, but stayed on the balcony.

“Cadance could be the one causing it,” Luna said. “We should at least stop by and ask.”

“If Cadance is the one who caused it, then I'm sure she's already aware of it, sister. If she wants our help, she can always send us a note.”

“True, but I'm still worried about the effects this will have. That's a very powerful magic.”

“I think you're worrying too much. We are a civilized society, after all.” Celestia turned around to retreat into her chambers. “I'm sure the night will be just fine.”

“That's easy for you to say, sister. You're not the one who has to watch over it.” Luna turned to the sky and raised the moon. The contrast with crimson sky made it appear to be tinged yellow, like it was covered in honey. The thick, sweet color made Luna cringe.

She went back inside to put the guards on high alert. No sense in taking any chances if she could help it. When she entered the room, she couldn't help but see just how handsome they looked. She felt rather uncomfortable. Though from the looks of things, the guards were far more uncomfortable than she. They were a bit out of position, edging away from each other. As she approached, they seemed to shake and sweat. She'd never seen them falter before. “Pray tell, fair armsponies; what is troubling thee?” she asked.

Rather than answer, they screamed and broke formation. Each guard flew off in a different direction. Luna watched in shock as they deserted her. She wanted to chase after them, not just to reprimand them but to-

It was defiantly going to be a long night.

***

Before Nightfall

***

Twilight Sparkle felt horrible. Her failed spell had nearly caused yet another disaster. This assignment was eating away at her sanity, but that was no excuse. So what if she'd failed today? She could still learn something from it and try again tomorrow. If any pony would even talk to her tomorrow, that is.

Twilight got up and opened a window for Owlowiscious. He'd awakened at sunset and needed to get out and stretch his wings. While she was up, she looked in the mirror. At first glance, she saw a frumpled and disheveled pony who-

The sky turned red.

***

Pinkie Pie returned to her room. She passed the Cakes cleaning up after their catering event. At any other time, Pinkie would have bounced in to help them. But tonight she was too full of turmoil to spread any joy. A nice little jingle about 'packing up the party' ran through her head. That made her feel even worse as she walked by.

She backed into her room with a 'pop' and looked into her mirror. Her ears were still a bit sore, but not enough to be terribly bothersome. Mostly it was just awkwardness because she wasn't used to the weight and the feel of metal on her skin. It was about as awkward as reading a story and coming across a paragraph that wasn't indented when all the rest were. You might not notice it until somepony pointed it out to you, but once you knew, your attention would just be drawn to it and how out of place it felt.

Pinkie hadn't tried to scratch at her ears recently so it was probably safe to take the cone off. She did so without undoing any of the straps (somehow) and gently placed it on her night stand. She'd return it to Pokey tomorrow.

There. Now she had a decision to make.

Pinkie retrieved the case for her earrings and looked inside. It could hold two pairs: her fancy balloon earrings, and a simple pair of studs. It wasn't too late to just put both pairs in the box and go down to the hospital. They could still fix the holes in her ears without leaving any scars. That might be the logical thing to do. Keeping them would be long-term commitment and she'd gotten the earrings on a whim, after all.

To keep them, she'd have to make sure they stayed clean. She'd have to keep wearing at least the studs at all times for a day or two more to ensure her ears healed without closing the holes. After that, she could take them off while sleeping but she'd still have to wear them most of the time if, for no other reason, than to cover up the holes in her ears.

She thought about the pony who'd given them to her. He was the stallion, out of all the ones in town, that she'd thought was the 'most fun' when asked. She'd keep the earrings. She knew she could be responsible. Returning the earrings would make Pokey sad, and she wanted to see him smile.

The studs would be easier to sleep with but if she exchanged them now she'd break open her scabs and risk infection. Well, it was either that or risk getting the larger earrings caught on her blankets and break open her scabs that way. Pinkie was deliberately over thinking this to avoid the other topic.

She looked into the mirror again at her wild and puffy mane. It had a life of its own and she half expected to see it limp over and fall flat. She wasn't quite that sad – not yet anyway.

“Pack up the party for its time is done.

Everypony's gone and they all had their fun.

The floor is no place for wrappers or cake.

Everypony's gone for it's gotten too late.

Pack up the party for its time is done.

The sky's getting dark. Say 'goodbye' to the sun.

Streamers and confetti, mar the good floor.

Every pony laughed so much she laughed herself sore.

Pack up the party for its time is done.

Sweep up this mess and let's not digress-

For you don't want more stress when the point's to have less.

And with the ponies gone, you'll sing this silly song-

And now it won't be long, so hold yourself strong.

Pack up the party for its time is done.

Take out the trash – Ta-Da! You've won!”

Heh, all Pinkie did was to... Well, it didn't matter exactly she'd done but it totally warranted that entire song. Heh. (Not really.)

Pinkie Pie looked at herself in the mirror and looked at herself again. That business of Twilight's about 'making ponies'- Well, yeah it sounds fun and Pinkie's not the type of pony to pass up fun but sometimes you have to compare current fun with future fun and fifteen minutes of oh heck yeah, that was a lot of fun verses eleven months of the terrifying thought of oh dear Celestia I'm actually going to have a baby just doesn't add up. Or it does – just not to a number that you'd ever want to associate yourself with, though.

It's not like Pinkie would never want a foal of her own, of course. It's just that she'd rather be ready for it with a special somepony to have it with. Then the thought wouldn't be scary, but heartwarming instead and she could totally see that happening eventually but...

She had to have a foal now.

There was a metallic taste in her mouth. Pinkie gasped and looked around. It was her Pinkie Sense. As best she knew, this meant that a powerful magic was about to take place. Argh, she had tinfoil hats stashed all around town but none in her room. It was too late.

The sky turned red.

***

Rainbow Dash returned to her house in the sky. She took the time to realign her rainbow fountains that had gotten disjointed from the spinning earlier. The sun would soon set and mark the end to this miserable and fruitless day.

That contest she'd thrown together was probably the worst idea she'd had since that time she'd tried to race a bunch of animals through Ghastly Gorge and wound up getting her wing pinned under an avalanche. And, like that race, she'd learned that there were plenty of factors more important than actual speed. It's a shame she had to come back alone this time, though.

Rainbow Dash went inside. She went to lay on her bed and stared up at the ceiling. Pinkie... So that's what she does when she tries to flirt, huh? Well she really could stand to learn a lot from Rarity. Hmm, Rainbow Dash could stand to learn a lot from her too.

She rolled out of bed and went back outside to watch the sun go down. Well, she'd learned what she might want from a longer term relationship, but, ultimately that didn't help her. She was still on a tight deadline and needed to find a mate fast. Fast-

The sky turned red.

***

Applejack returned from the hospital in a gloomy mood. She'd run out of ideas that would actually work. The mirror pool was a bad idea but it would have worked. The thought of that place just made her fur stand on end. She'd never be able to use it. As far as artificial insemination goes, well, perhaps if she couldn't come up with any other plan she'd go through with it. She'd avoid that as long as she could though. Pegasus stock wasn't something she'd want to run in the Apple family.

Speaking of apples, she did have a lot of chores to do. Working on the farm would be a good distraction to get her mind off of things. Big Mac could use the help getting through the midsummer harvest. That would probably take the rest of the day and give Applejack time to think and come up with another plan.

Angel stopped her.

“Huh?” Applejack lowered her head to look at the rabbit that got in her way. That was Fluttershy's pet. What was he doing here?

Angel thumped his foot and waved a paw across his mouth.

“You know ai don't speak rabbit, right?” Applejack said. Angel shrugged and thumped his foot again. Applejack heard a rustling in trees and looked up to see Fluttershy jump between them. Well, that explained why Angel was here, but why didn't he want to let her to pass?

Once the rustle of the trees died down she could hear another noise. It sounded like Big Mac. It was almost like he was... talking. Big Mac was never a pony of many words so hearing him prattle on as if he liked the sound of his own voice was something that Applejack never expected. And there was Fluttershy in the trees again. The longer Applejack watched the more mystified she became.

Fluttershy was doing Applejack's chores and Big Mac was talking up a storm. The two of them seemed to be genuinely enjoying themselves. Applejack's heart sank and her stomach tied itself in a knot. Not a good old square knot either – it was a filliy-scout cringing granny knot. She knew what Fluttershy was up to, and it seemed to be working.

Applejack wanted to race forward and break them apart, but...

She couldn't.

“Ai'm going to need lots of cider.” Applejack turned around and left (to the approval of Angel bunny). She went back to her house and uncorked a barrel. So Big Mac and Fluttershy huh? She took a drink. Right from the get-go, she'd had this horrible feeling that her brother would wind up getting involved somehow. There were only so many eligible stallions in town, ya know? It wasn't so much a matter of 'if', but 'who'. Fluttershy huh? She took another drink.

Applejack put her glass down and closed the tap. She'd best not drink too much since she wanted to be able to think straight. Unfortunately, she kept thinking about Fluttershy and Big Mac. If she did manage to seduce him, would her foal be part of the Apple family? That'd probably be up to the kid to decide unless Fluttershy and Big Mac married of course, in which case yes. Fluttershy and Big Mac married?

So much for trying to keep a clear head. Applejack opened the tap back up and kept drinking until she fell over.

“Oooh...” Applejack awoke with a headache. Her vision was full of spots and her ears were ringing. It was like some pony was trying to play a game of Pong in her head but her paddle was stuck and she kept losing over and over again. She struggled to get back up. Based on the mess on the floor and the awful stench she must have disgorged about as much as she'd drunk. Granny always did warn her about the dangers of aged cider. It was tempting to just hit the tap again. Skin of the apple and all that. But she had duties and she'd shirked them for too long as it was.

Applejack unsteadily went to get a mop. She could see the sun near the horizon. Its harsh light stung at her sensitive eyes and she felt her headache earn a new high score. She closed the blind and poured herself a glass of water and took two painkillers to go with it. Was it dawn or sunset? She didn't hear any roosters so it must be sunset. That meant she hadn't been passed out for very long (not that she'd wanted to pass out in the first place).

She seemed to be alone still. She wasn't so sure if that was good or bad. At least she'd have time to clean up before other ponies noticed. She was feeling a bit steadier already. She shook her head to clear the spots from her eyes and gathered up the bucket and mop and dragged them to the mess. No sooner then she'd gotten started she heard the door slam. Well, so much for that thing about other ponies not noticin'.

“Urrgh, ai can't believe the nerve of some ponies.” That sounded like Big Mac storming in. Wha- was he done already? His steps were getting louder. Darn. He was coming this way. “Applejack.” Big Mack paused in the doorway as he looked around at the cider barrel and the mess on the floor. “Ai'm very disappointed in you.”

“Ai know how dis looks, but ai did it for you... So's you and Shy could be aw-one togetters.” Applejack was shocked at how her words slurred. She hadn't expected to talk like that.

“You planned this too? Where's Apple Bloom? You both have a lot to answer for.” Big Mac swung his head around looking for the little filly.

“Wha? So did you do her or not?” Applejack ignored his rage.

“Ai rejected her as soon as she asked for a relationship. Ai definitely didn't go that far.” Big Mac narrowed his eyes and huffed. Hopefully that was just the cider talking. His sister wouldn't want him to go that far, would she?

“You rejected Shy? Ya big meannie. How could you? She needz your body.” Applejack's eyes teared up. There wasn't much difference really, since they were already bloodshot.

“What did Apple Bloom say to get you to go along with this?”

“Oh noe B-Mac. It twern't Bloom. She's nothin' to do wit dis.” Applejack sprawled out in front of Big Mac and looked up into his eyes.

“Huh?” Big Mac backed up a bit and looked down at her with open eyes.

“It's Twilight. She says we all gotta get preggers right away.” Applejack lifted a foreleg and patted her flank. “Eeyup.”

“Ee-What?” Big Mac's shock replaced his anger. He took a closer look at his sister. She had bags under her eyes, hung her head down, and wore the biggest frown he'd ever seen. She was the sorriest looking sad thing of all the sad things he'd seen. And she smelled too.

“Oh yesh, She got one of dem letters she always getz, but dis one sayz the future be in peril. If we don't all have foals by next year den da woorld is dooomed. Hic. Ooomed. Oo-ooOoo-ooo-oomed.” Applejack rocked her head back and forth while making the 'oo' noises. She shook herself, got up, and walked up to press her face against Big Mac's. Her breath was horrible. “So's you best get back out dere and find Fla... Flotter... Flootershy an-”

Applejack's speech trailed off as she looked into his eyes.

The sky turned red.

***

Fluttershy sobbed in the sanctity of her cottage. She'd been flatly rejected. It hurt so much. Where did she go wrong? Why? Why?

When she could manage to open her eyes, her pupils rolled upwards to avoid drowning in the sea of tears that was trying to overtake them. Not even her animals could get close. The birds were forced away by the fountains of tears squirting from her eyes and the growing puddle around her served as a protective moat. She was completely alone on her island of utter misery.

She was so alone in her sorrow that she ceded from Equestria entirely and formed her own nation: Cry-estria. She was the only inhabitant, the only tree, and she watered herself in a self-sustaining cycle.

Big Mac.

He was the tragedy of an entire nation. He was the heartbreak of all its people. Why did he have to be so mean to her? Why did he have to say 'no'? She... She sobbed. She chocked. She... she was beginning to choke back her tears. Soon, she would have to deal with illegal immigration. But the thought of him, leaning down upon her, and spiting in her face, her hopes, her dreams... It was enough to provoke a flood. The refugees were driven back.

To make matters even worse, Big Mac was not wrong to send her off. She didn't love him either.

The sky turned red.

***

Nightfall

***

Twilight looked at herself in the mirror.

Pinkie Pie wished for a tinfoil hat.

Rainbow Dash stared at the sky.

Applejack looked into Big Mac's eyes.

Rarity flooded the world with her passion.

Fluttershy ceded from Equestria to form Cryestria: population: her.

The sky turned red.

***

Spike and the Cutie Mark Crusaders were still finishing up the statue when the sun set and the sky turned red. They stopped briefly to admire it, then shrugged and got back to work. The Princess of Sisters was almost done, and they could soon go to bed.

***

The sky turned red.

Twilight looked into her own reflection and was overcome with the most intense feeling of desire that she'd ever felt. Her wings sprung wide open. She recoiled and dove under her bed. “Oh no. Oh-no, oh-no, oh-no. I really did cast the 'Want it-Need it' spell on myself. I can't go out now.”

Twilight huddled under her bed. She had visions of all the townsponies fighting over her and trying to carry her off as their prize. She'd run, but she wouldn't be able to evade them forever. There would just be too many. She'd have to stay out of sight until the spell wore off. It was an awful feeling. She hoped no pony would come looking for her. To make matters worse, her burning passion would not go away.

***

Spike felt guilty about not coming home earlier. He'd gotten so caught up in helping with the statue that he'd forgotten about the letter he was supposed to deliver. There were an unusually large number of ponies out and about after dark but they didn't bother Spike and he returned to the library without incident. To cover for himself, he was making up some excuse about a wild bucket-beast.

He paused in the doorway to stare at the bookshelves with wide eyes. His mouth hung open. All of the books were arranged by color, of all things. He looked around expecting Rainbow Dash or Pinkie Pie to jump out and laugh at him, but they didn't. If they'd set this up as a prank, they must have gotten bored waiting for him and went home. Still, it was going to take him forever to reorganize things. He took a few more steps and noticed some fuzzy patches on the floor. They were little spots of lavender fur. Spike touched one. It was sticky. That was even more perplexing than the books. Just what had gone on in here that he couldn't be privy to?

Spike walked upstairs and open-

“Ack! No, you can't come in.” The door slammed shut with powerful magic. Spike was knocked backwards but managed to right himself before he fell down the stairs. He really didn't want to do that again today.

“Hey, what gives? Twilight, are you okay?” He tried to push the door open but it was firmly shut.

“I'm fine. Go away.” It didn't sound like she was fine at all.

“Uh, Twilight. I got another letter from the princess that you should see.” Spike kept pushing at the door. “If you just let me in I'll-”

“Spike. You can't come in. Just slide it under the door.” Spike sighed and did as she asked. “What? Reservations? That's what she meant when she said we should get started right away? It really was an art project all along.” The tone of her voice changed dramatically. It went from shock to... relief.

“What else would it be?” Spike gave up pushing and just leaned against the door.

“That's not important. When did you get this?”

“Around mid afternoon,” Spike replied. 'Doh – he could have just lied about the time. Too late now.

“How could you wait so long to bring this to me? Don't you know that letters from the Princess are important?”

“Uh, well, you see, there was this wild bucketbeast. It uh, was rampaging through town and I, uh, had to fight it off, yeah. I totally defeated that bucketbeast and saved the town from, uh, whatever it is that bucketbeasts do, yeah.”

“Well, okay then.”

“What? Really?” Spike hadn't expected that to actually work. “Should we tell your friends about this letter too?”

“What? Them? They didn't even give the project a second thought. They either ran away or shut themselves up to wallow in misery all day. I was the only one who actually got out and tried to do anything.”

“Why did they do that? If you didn't think it was an art project than what did you think it was?”

“Nevermind that. Spike, you don't know just how relieved I am that this whole thing is over with.”

“I don't know because you won't tell me.” Spike kicked the door. “And why won't you open the door?”

“Oh, that. Eh-heh. Well I sorta-accidentally cast the 'Want it-Need it' spell on myself and I don't want you falling under its influence before it has a chance to wear off.”

“What? Why did you do that? You know how dangerous that spell is.”

“Well, you see, there was this wild bucketbeast and-”

“Twilight, that was a lame excuse when I used it.”

“Spike!”

“Uh, I mean...”

“Just go to bed spike.”

“My bed's in there!” He kicked the door again. In response, his basket appeared next to him. He missed catching it and watched in horror as it bounced down the stairs spilling covers and pillows as it went. He sighed and walked down to put it back together again. He didn't get that far though, and conked out as soon as he reached the bottom of the stairs.

***

The sky turned red.

Pinkie felt the magic wash over her. It dove into her pores and seeped into her core. She'd already felt the heat but this cranked the knob to max and broke it right off. She wanted to love, physically love, more than she ever had ever before ever. It was just maddening. She had to find a pony to take her, she just had to.

She wasn't the only one.

Every mare came out of her home. Every mare wandered the streets. Every mare felt the same way. Every mare was looking for a mate. Every mare... and not a single stallion. It was excruciating.

“What's going on?”

“Why do I feel so turned on?”

“Where are all the guys?”

“I need a somepony right now!”

“This is hardly proper.”

“Oooh, It's like that pineapple incident all over again.”

“We can't just stand here. We have to find the guys!”

“Yeah!”

“But... how?”

“Guys, guys, where are you?”

“We need you.”

“Come out, come out, wherever you are!”

As much as she really, really, really wanted to get some action, Pinkie couldn't just abandon the townsponies as they suffered. Though passion ate at her mind, Pinkie decided to take charge. She lept down from her balcony and hopped atop the pony statue in the square. She stood on its head like she was some kind of giant Pinkie hat. “Listen up! No pony can hide from the Pinkie. Band together my sisters. Band together my friends. Join up my mares, and let us all act together. We will root the males to rule them all. We will root out the males to find them. We will root the males to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them. Let no pony go unhappy. Let no pony go unsatisfied. We will root them out and we will make them smile.”

Pinkie's rambling speech made more noise than actual sense, but it did get their attention.

“So what are you waiting for? Go root them out!” Sprinkle Medley said.

Pinkie's picturesque memory produced plots of ponies. She knew where they lived. She knew their faces. She knew their flanks. And now-

“Pinkie. Stop standing there. Do something already!” Sprinkle Medley flew up and crossed her forelegs at Pinkie. She scrunched her face up in a terrible frown.

“Uh, okay. Well first of all, Comet Tail lives in that house” -Pinkie pointed to the one across from Sugarcube Corner- “and Cherry Fizzy and Lucky Clover live in that house.” -she pointed to the house next to it- “and-”

“Pinkie. We know where they live too,” Sprinkle Medley said.

“Yeah, but we can't just barge in on them. I mean, I know we want to and all but that would be exceptionally rude and inconsiderate,” Banana Fluff said.

“So yeah, you'll have to get them to come out, or at least get them to invite us in,” S02E05 Unnamed Unicorn Mare #1 looked up at Pinkie and pleaded.

“Hmm, just a sec.” Pinkie Pie motioned for the ponies to calm down while she went to work.

Comet Tail hid under his bed. He shook and his teeth chattered and... he stared into a large pair of eyes looming over him. “AAAAA!” He scrambled out as fast as he could.

Pinkie Pie stuck her head out from under the bed to talk to him. “Hey, Comet. Do you want to come outside and have some fun?”

“No! Pinkie, don't do that!” Comet Tail backed off quickly and bumped into his dresser. The top drawer slid out, but the unicorn caught it with his magic before it could fall.

“Why won't you come out?” Pinkie asked. “I'm sure we'd have a great time.”

“I don't know, I just feel... Hey! I thought I told you to GET OUT!” He tossed the drawer at Pinkie and she had to pull her head up from under the bed.

The townsponies standing outside tried to watch Pinkie but found that their eyes hurt when they looked at her. They had to squint or avert their gaze. Those that managed to keep their eyes open had them mist with tears and their eyelids twitched irrationally. Pinkie came into focus briefly. “Odd...” she muttered before... whatever she was doing again.

Cherry Fizzy was in the closet. He was shook and sweat dripped from his coat. On the wall, there was a picture of ponies. Pinkie was in the portrait. “Hey Cherry,” she said, “do you want to pop out for some fresh air?”

“Pinkie! Oh for Celestia's sake, you scared me. Don't do that.” He got a better look at her bright and cheerful face. She looked at him with hunger in her eyes and her mouth hung open to drip with drool. “You're still scaring me. You're still scaring me.”

“Don't you want to come out of the closet?” She inhaled deeply through her nose, to absorb his aroma.

“NO!”

Pinkie Pie left the portrait and stuck her hoof out of the faucet in the kitchen sink. She reached up and turned the tap on and flowed all the way out. After overflowing the sink, and oozing down to the floor, Pinkie Pie popped into shape and opened the cabinet under the sink.

“Aaaah!” Lucky Clover darted out of his hiding place and ran upstairs. Pinkie Pie hopped after him. He ran into his room and slammed the door. He locked it tight with deadbolts and chains. Once he finished, he wiped the sweat off his brow and turned around. Pinkie was already there. She licked his nose.

“Ack! Pinkie!” He forcefully pushed her away and knocked her out the window. He breathed a small sigh of relief. “Whew.”

The lamp next to him turned itself on: revealing itself to be Pinkie. She licked his ear.

“Pinkie!” Lucky Clover recoiled and desperately tried to undo the locks on the door. He realized the futility of it when Pinkie closed in with her tongue out and he was forced to back away from the door to avoid her. “What do you want, Pinkie?” he asked through clenched teeth.

“Well duh, world peace.” She outlined a circle with her hoof and placed her other foreleg against her chin in thought. “Well that was easy. How about to celebrate we get outside and have some fun?”

“No! I can't go out now. Not like this.”

“What? Why not? We're really, really eager for you to join us out there.”

“Because... reasons.” He covered his face hoping she'd go away.

“Well, hehe, if you won't come outside how about you go back downstairs and hide in the closet? Cherry's there and you two can mwa-mmwa-”

The kissing noises pushed Clover over the edge. “Aaah!” he screamed in revulsion and bucked Pinkie straight through the wall. From his point of view looking through the hole, Pinkie seemed to hang in the air, almost as if she were standing on the statue in the town square. And she was – because that's where she'd really been all along. Then she fell off, because she'd been kicked.

The mares in the square heard Pinkie fall, but they were reluctant to open their eyes again after the pain she'd put them through.

“Is it safe to look yet?”

“I think she's done.”

“That was almost as painful to watch as that time Sweetie Belle helped me bake muffins.”

“I remember that. I was seeing straight for weeks!”

“Pinkie, did you see any stallions? Did you get any to come out?”

“Oooh.” Pinkie balled up and clutched at her terribly sore ribs. The townsponies gathered around her in a tight circle.

“Pinkie, come on. We're counting on you.” Amethyst Star shook the pink pony.

“I'm all right. I'm all right.” Pinkie wobbled upright and stood unsteadily on her hooves. Her eyes wobbled around independently and she shook her head to straighten them out. “I think.”

“So what's going on?” Amethyst Star asked.

“Can you get them to come to us?” Sprinkle Medley flew around in tight circles above her.

“They're inexplicably terrified. It's even stranger than our sudden passion,” Pinkie Pie said.

“So, is that a no?” S02E05 Unnamed Unicorn Mare #1 scrunched up her face and frowned.

“Well, it's just that, by this point Twilight would normally come by with a letter from the Princess and we'd go off on an adventure to fix everything.”

The tumbleweed got blown out of town by the frustrated snorts of the town's mares.

“Grrrr. Pinkie I can't wait any longer. I'm half a mind to just forget what I said earlier and start breaking down doors.”

“Yeah.”

“Good idea.”

“We might as well – it won't be the first time this place has been destroyed.”

“Hey! I live here.”

“So do the rest of us.”

“Well I'd rather bust doors than keep talking.”

"I agree. Let's do that thing. Where we bust doors. And don't talk about it. You hear what I'm saying?"

“No! Don't do that. I've got a plan. I can still get them to come out. I don't think the guys will trust me, though... uh, Sweetie Drops? You're good at voice acting right? Can you do Twilight Sparkle?”

“Ahem, 'Dear Princess Celestia: Books! I love books. I think I've discovered a new magic: the magic of bookship!'” Sweetie Drops said with Twilight's voice. Pinkie couldn't help but giggle at Sweetie Drops' portrayal of Twilight.

“All right Everypony, here's what we do...” Pinkie didn't take long explaining her plan and they all got into position. Sea Swirl's illusion of Twilight wasn't all that great, but it only had to be convincing from a distance. They probably could have done better with a painting but this should work too.

“Listen up everypony!” Sweetie Drops called out while mimicking Twilight. “You're all suffering from a strange magic, but I've found a way to break the spell. But to make my counterspell work, you'll all have to come to the town square.” There was silence as no pony stirred, but Pinkie had prepared for this. “Now now, don't be shy. The effects of the spell only get stronger and harder to break over time. That's why I need you all to come out as soon as possible.”

A few doors opened and some heads peeked out. The mares kept themselves well hidden in the bushes and trees so as not to be seen. It was hard for them to stay still, but it wouldn't be long before they could act.

The stallions started to come out of hiding, sort of. They were all wearing makeshift disguises. Moving boxes, bedsheets, multiple layers of clothing, bags, pretty much anything that could cover a pony was being used. One was even rolling along in a giant jar. They came out very slowly and tried their best to stay as far away from each other as they could manage. A step that took them towards another stallion was not a step they wanted to take – at all.

“Wait, that's not Twilight!” Coconut yelled.

“NOW!” Pinkie gave the signal and all the mares lept out of hiding. “Shut the doors, lock them, trap them outside!” Working together, the mares tried to block the exits. The stallions realized they'd been had, and dropped their disguises to make a break for it. “Quick, don't let them get away!” The mares were only too happy to give chase.

Seeing the sudden the sudden chaos envelop the town, Pinkie clambered on top of the statue's head again. She had a hard time with it since her sides hurt so much. “GO FORTH AND DESTROY, MY ARMY OF MARES!” They didn't particularly care what she said at this point. They were too busy chasing some tail.

Yelling like that stressed Pinkie's sore ribs and she clenched at her side and fell off the statue again. No pony came to assist her, but a stallion did run by. Pinkie's passion flared up, renewed. She suppressed her pain and limped after him. “Wait. Save one for me,” she begged.

***

The sky turned red.

Rainbow Dash was gripped by intense longing. She flew out of her house panting and sweating. Yes, fast – she needed to find a mate fast. But – she still didn't want to pick just any pony. She still wanted the best.

In Ponyville, she knew most of the pegasus already. That was her problem. It'd be easier to pick somepony based on speed if he was a stranger. She'd go to Cloudsdale and try her luck there, but she didn't have time to set up another race. How would she know who was the fastest? Well, Rainbow Dash licked her lips, he'd be the pony it took her the longest to catch, of course.

Normally the trip to Cloudsdale would be exhausting and take hours without a vehicle, but her wings were fueled with such passion that she made it there effortlessly and in no time at all. Up in Cloudsdale, Rainbow Dash could clearly she that she had a lot of competition. Flocks of pegasus had formed up and they were combing the city. They were all mares.

“Hey-” Rainbow Dash flew up alongside a group and asked Dizzy Twister, “-what's going on? Where are all the stallions?”

“Your guess is as good as mine. They all suddenly vanished when the sky went red,” Dizzy Twister said. “Friggin' Sky Gazer. Way to skip out on a date like that,” she added, under her breath.

“Well, they couldn't have gone far.” Rainbow Dash watched as the pegasus buzzed around above the city. “Say, has any pony tried looking inside?”

“No pony answered when we knocked on the doors and all the windows are closed,” Raindrops replied.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it. They're obviously all hiding indoors.” Rainbow Dash flew ahead of them and got in their way. They had to stop and hover.

“So what do you expect us to do about it?” Dizzy Twister asked.

“It's simple. These walls are made out of lumber cumulus and stratostone clouds. They're no match for a persistent weather pony.” To demonstrate, Rainbow Dash gave the wall a swift kick. Paff. The other pegasus' shock over the random property damage was quickly replaced with desire when the mist cleared and a terrified stallion was revealed.

“Aaaah!” The stallion screamed at having his hiding place revealed and tried to fly away. The mares gave chase, but Rainbow Dash quickly shot past them and caught him.

“Hey!”

“Watch it,”

“Aww, I wanted that one,”

the mares complained.

“Let go!” The stallion struggled in her grasp, but Rainbow dash kept a tight grip. She'd done it. She'd really done it. This stallion was hers to keep. She'd take him back to her house and... hehehe. It was a lot easier than she'd expected too. Wait, it was too easy. She'd caught him in less than three seconds.

“Too slow.” Rainbow Dash turned her head away in disgust and dropped him for the other mares to catch.

“Whew,” he said.

“Mine.”

“Mine.”

“Mine.”

The other mares dove after him.

“Aaaah!” he screamed and flew off again.

Sounds of kicking filled the air. Rainbow dash looked around. Her eyes bulged wide when she saw that other ponies had followed her example and started breaking down walls. They were destroying Cloudsdale. Rainbow Dash cringed, but every stallion they flushed out sent her heart racing. Well, if this is what it took for her to find that special somepony, then so be it.

***

The sky turned red.

While looking into Big Mac's eyes Applejack suddenly felt an unbearable passion well up within her. She thought she wanted him. She wanted him bad.

Applejack batted her eyes and smiled. “Well, you can forget all about that Flooter cause ai'm right here an-”

“eeYaaaa!” Big Mac screamed and ran out of the house.

Eeyup. Big Mac sure had the right idea. Applejack sure had no idea where that had come from. Intense feelings? For her brother? It was clear; this project had driven her completely insane. She was going to need something a lot stronger than cider. She rooted through the cabinet in search of old bottle.

Cider was the Apple family's most popular product and Zap Apple jam was their most profitable one. So of course, they'd tried to combine the two. Zapple cider was not something they could, in good conscience, ever sell though. It wasn't a failure per say, but it was so potent that it caused ponies to act bonkers after drinking it. It was called the 'drink of regrets' for good reason. One sip, and you'd lose all your inhibitions. You'd spill out your innermost secrets and do things you'd never even consider before. The drink wouldn't let you forget either. Everything you did, you'd remember clearly for the rest of your life. Attempts to water it down never worked since the two liquids wouldn't mix. It did taste great though.

Applejack puled the flask out of its hiding place.

This was a bad idea. This was a very bad idea. This was the baddest idea of bad ideas.

“To bad ideas.” Applejack held the flask out and took a swig. Euphoria. Divinity. It was the most incredible thing she'd ever tasted. It was also the most rotten thing she'd ever tasted. Perhaps she shouldn't be drinking stuff that was twenty years old.

Applejack felt lightheaded and tingly, her headache had completely gone away. She still burned with passion though. Her legs moved all on their own. No, that wasn't quite correct. They were still following her thoughts, but her thoughts went straight to her body and didn't bother going trough that pesky brain of hers first. She giggled gleefully and watched to see where her legs would take her.

***

Rarity reveled in her crystalline form. She couldn't help but admire herself on the first reflective surface she came across. She was just as brilliant as she'd always wished herself to be. Too bad the effect was temporary. While her time to admire herself was limited, she had another goal in mind.

Behind her, was a crystal stallion. When that powerful magic drew her into the heart of the empire, she could plainly see the souls of its inhabitants. She'd seen how they felt. They'd only just come out of a stasis spell. Love, joy, and hope had real power here, and those emotions were sluggish coming back. While the defeat of Sombra had done much to lift their spirits, they still had a ways to go. They used what joys they had to spread harmony across Equestria and to keep the lingering darkness locked deep within the Crystal Heart.

Rarity changed all of that. She excised the darkness for good, and reversed the flow. Now instead of having love drawn from them, love was being given back. It was her love, her gift, and it would last as long as her magic allowed for.

The crystal ponies came outside and pressed the sides of their faces against the glowing, red streets. They were reveling in the sensation.

“Aaaaah!” The pegasus guards suddenly abandoned their posts and flew off. The moonlight sparked through their wings as they disappeared into the sky.

“What vile sorcery is this?” A crystalline unicorn ran out of the palace. “I'm never coming back here. Never again!” He ran off as quickly as his legs would take him. That must have been the delegate from Unicornicopia.

Strange...

His behavior notwithstanding, that unicorn had looked really hot – but what Rarity wanted was a real crystal pony: such as the one behind her.

“Ardent. My you're looking quite the radiant jade tonight.” Rarity leaned up against him. Her head was below his in a submissive pose. She batted her eyes at him. “I just love how you're handled those tiny huewes. What say we go back to your place and 'expand the farm'.” She winked.

“That's a generous offer, my lady. But... I don't feel up to it. As a matter of fact I feel... I think I need to go now.” Ardent excused himself and left.

The novelty of being fueled with love was starting to wear off and the actual feeling it instilled was taking over. Rarity watched as the same scene was played out all around her. The mares would approach the stallions, and the stallions would get nervous and depart.

Had she messed up the spell somehow? It was a possibility. She didn't have much experience with powerful magic, after all. She'd seen it done, but it was never under her control before. She knew enough to set a reasonable age limit, but stallions were too foreign for her to get right it seems. No matter, she'd just have to try a bit harder. Rarity's passion for them wouldn't allow her to give up.

Rarity intercepted another stallion. “Crystal Arrow. Did you know that jousting is new to the Equestrian games this year? It was added in honor of the Crystal Empire, though I hear it's Luna's favorite sport too.” Rarity walked alongside him. She was close enough to touch him but left enough room so he wouldn't be nervous.

“Really? I couldn't imagine a sporting event without jousting.” Crystal Arrow eyed a doorway, but stayed out to chat.

“Oh yes. And let me tell you, we had no idea what we were missing. The excitement and the adrenaline; all packed up into a single climactic moment. Why, I could talk all night about competitors and the favorites to win this year. Shall I accompany you inside so we can chat over tea?”

“I... I'm glad to hear there's another pony so passionate about the sport but I must retire alone tonight. Thank you for the offer, anyway.” He went inside and shut the door, leaving her alone in the street.

Rarity kept a smile on her face, but as soon as he went inside she scowled. That should have worked. It really should. Or... at least gotten her further than it did. Whatever was troubling the stallions was surpassing her charms. Her spelltacular misfire was more of an obstacle than she realized.

There had to be some way to get through to them still. Rarity walked in the streets. Groups of mares gathered up and knocked on doors. The responses they got were polite refusals. Rarity didn't know how they could take such repeated rejections. Her passions were threatening to overwhelm her into irrational thinking. She knew they felt the same way. Still, she hoped they could remain civil. The Crystal Empire was far too beautiful to be destroyed by its own citizens.

Rarity spotted another stallion still out in the open. She did not approach him. She could think of nothing that would not end the same way. Another group of mares did though, and he retreated politely inside, as expected. She tried to think hard, but it was difficult through her growing haze of lust.

She kept walking until she came across a track and field. She heard voices. Three stallions were talking to each other on the sidelines. They weren't close to each other, but still close enough so as not to shout. Rarity glanced around. No other mares had seen them yet. This would be her best chance yet, but – what could she do?

Perhaps she could form a counterspell to block the magic that was troubling them? She had no idea where to even begin with something like that. Even if she did, her personal magic would be too weak to effect it anyway. She'd no idea where that powerful surge of magic had even come from in the first place; let alone be able to summon that much at will. If that's what it was like to be Twilight, then no wonder her friend was so compulsive all the time. Having power like that at one's beck and call could drive a sane mare batty.

Rarity looked down and spotted an empty bucket. Speaking of Twilight, something she'd said when they first met up in the library gave Rarity an idea. It was hardly lady-like, but it was the best she could come up with and it had the best chance of working.

The bucket went sailing through the air and a pungent, yellow liquid splashed over them. A bit of magic ensured that they would all be hit.

“Hey!”

“Eww, yuck.”

“What the heck was that for?”

“Oh sorry, how clumsy of me.” Rarity had their attention now. All she had to do was stay in sight and wait. They reached for their towels. She made sure the towels stayed out of reach. Her magic looked a bit more prismatic than normal, coming through her crystalline horn.

“What's the big ideaa-aa-uh...”

Rarity was giddy with excitement. She could see the change taking place. Her plan was working. It wouldn't be long now...

“Do you like what you see?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“Very much.”

“I want.”

They came towards her. She could hardly wait. In a moment, they'd take her. Right here. Out in the open.

That small part of her that was still rational was screaming for attention. It finally won out and clarity washed over her like ice-water. “What have I done?” she asked herself. A chill exploded from her withers. The stallions were coming for her and she... gulped. She wanted to talk to them, to tell them that this was all a misunderstanding, but their sanity had been suppressed. No amount of begging or pleading would get them to stop. They were acting purely on instinct now.

She ran.

They pursued.

***

The sky turned red.

Fluttershy's feelings changed. Her broken heart beat with fury. Where she'd felt only sorrow, now she felt only lust. The Cryestrian rainforest slashed and burned. Her land was enveloped in drought. The heat of her passion charred the soil. The Cryestrian Empire vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

Big Mac... She would hunt him down... and make him hers... in verse.

Flutter left her humble home to seek her Big Mac darling.

Her wings of boner fully showed, her thoughts were quite naughty.

She hopped and flew and raced along with her passion boiling.

Dates and kisses were not for her – nothing quite so haughty.

Big Mac ran screaming from the farm, his sister was insane.

The sky went red and he felt it too and he freaked his freak-freak out.

Big Mac ran to an open field and the wind blew at his mane.

Those feelings were not natural and his good sense gone in drought.

Flutter saw him in her stare, and she flew up to his mane.

“I want you and I need you. I want you, I need you, now.”

Big Mac stopped and turned around and he ran off all the same.

“I don't want you nor your rabbit too. Go away you cow.”

Alone, alone, all all alone;

alone on a wide wide plain.

Flutter snapped her anger shone. 'Twas bright as the noon day sun.

“Big Mac, you beast. Come back, you hear. My heart's all aflutter.

Stop your retreat and wait for me. Now don't you make me run.

The world will shake with our love – you've gone and made me sputter.”

His hooves were deaf. His tail was too. His back was receding.

This path he took would go to town, where shelter he could find.

Big Mac had had enough of her. His trail was unyielding.

His fear was great. He strode on hard. He had a path to grind.

The townsponies were crazy too and circled in on him.

“We like, we like, so very much. Your plot shall fill our holes.”

Flutter's flank came in behind him. His chances were quite slim.

“Get lost you mares, this one is mine. Big Mac will fill my goals.”

Trapped trapped trapped - ponies all around;

Big Mac in a small small town.

The sky was red with radiant hues and fueled her desire.

The buildings were locked and shut fast no safety to find here.

She wanted nothing more than her need for him to sire.

Trapped like a kitty cat. He arched his back and spat in fear.

She dove in now to claim her prize. Her hooves found no meat.

Big Mac was agile and quick too. He dodged and slipped away.

Dust expanded in her wake. She had missed her tasty treat.

“You can't have me. You can't grab me.” Big Mac left her astray.

Flutter sputtered. Flutter sputtered. She took a great big breath.

“YOU WILL WANT ME, YOU WILL LOVE ME,” in royal shout-y voice.

His fleeing did quite break her heart. And she did die her death.

No! She could still catch him. Catch him, and he would have no choice.

Heartbeat, heartbeat, beat beat heart;

Passion burned quite like a dart.

Big Mac ran and fled back to the farm. He could lose her still.

His legs they pumped and sent up dust to wall her winged form.

From tree to tree she jumped and flew. She kept up to her thrill.

Her target was not far from her. She'd take him down by storm.

The apple trees had borne their fruit, but there was more to come.

The Apple family would be next if Flutter had her way.

Though just a simple tree it bowed, this was quite tiresome.

The limb did break upon her weight. Big Mac was forced to stay.

“You must. You must. Love me now. I'm all I have to offer.”

Flutter's eyes were beads of sand. Her wings did quake with passion.

“Nope, nope, no. Your body sucks.” He did not want to top her.

Sweat dripped from his body's coat. His eyes saw her a thrashin'.

Big Mac, Big Mac. Flutter, Flutter.

So so close, yet far far away.

She huffed and puffed and screamed with rage. Her hooves tore through the ground.

Big Mac had no choice but run. She closed in and bit his tail.

He screamed. She beamed. “I've got you now.” He kicked her off quite sound.

He got back up and ran some more. Big Mac could hear her wail.

His kick did send her flying high but she was from the sky.

She twisted, flapped, and spun upright though she was quite quite sore.

Was there a way to get away? Big Mac sure had to try.

He had to gallop to their barn and to their cellar store.

Flutter came and she flew in fast. She was bruised – not beaten.

The cellar door was in sight. He'd put an end to this night.

She pushed hard. Her love quite burned. She loved that bastard cretin.

He ran. He ran. He made it in and shut that door quite tight.

She stopped flyin'. She stopped flyin'.

“Open this door stat!”

He stopped runnin'. He stopped runnin'.

“N” “O” “Puu,” he spat.

And that, was the end, of that.

***

At midnight, the moon reached its apex and the Crystal Heart snapped back into its normal position. The crimson hues that had taken over the night sky faded down to the normal narrow band. Blue and yellow lights returned to dance along with them. Fulfilled or not, the strongest desires that pony kind had ever felt receded and faded back to normal. There was nothing left for the ponies in Equestria to do except clean up the mess – and to file complaints.

“ 'Go forth and destroy my army of mares?' ” Lemon Drops asked, quoting Pinkie.

“I guess I got a bit carried away. He-he.” Pinkie's breath was shallow and erratic. “I should probably see a doctor,” she groaned.

Next Chapter:
Paperwork Morning

Author's Note

fifteen minutes of oh heck yeah, that was a lot of fun

Those are some lofty expectations there, Pinkie.

“So yeah, you'll have to get them to come out, or at least get them to invite us in,” S02E05 Unnamed Unicorn Mare #1 looked up at Pinkie and pleaded.

What are you? A vampire? (And yet that's still a better name than 'All Aboard'.)

The limb did break upon her weight. Big Mac was forced to stay.

~~Flutter stressed a limb that broke. Big Mac had to halt and stay.~~
~~Far too stressed to not crack; the limb broke down and forced his stay.~~

Paperwork Morning

Paperwork Morning

The next morning, Celestia was having her morning tea in the throne room. It was pre-dawn still, but she'd raise the sun soon. She was simply waiting for her sister to return and pass things off to her. Well, she'd wait no longer.

The huge doors burst open and Luna strode in. Her mane was a tangled, disheveled mess and she had bags under her eyes. Her head hung low and her eyes were narrow, and twitched. A light aura enveloped her horn and soon she was followed in by stack after stack after stack after stack of piles and piles of paper. They moved ahead of her and hovered in rows around the room.

Rather than bothering with the normal custom of stopping to chat with her sister and flying out to the balcony, Luna simply turned left and opened the door to her private chambers. “Your turn,” was all she said, and left.

She slammed the door and the moon and dropped all of the papers all at once.

Celestia stared blankly at the mess. Her vision blurred and it looked as if the piles of papers merged together to form dunes. A desert of forms. Celestia blinked and rubbed her eyes. Was she still dreaming? All of the piles were still there when she opened her eyes again. She frowned and walked outside to raise the sun.

When she returned, she magically picked up some papers to inspect them. They were complaints about harassment and reports of property damage. It seemed that Luna had already gone through the trouble of sorting the papers by town and city. Given the sheer number of piles, no town, no matter how minor, was unscathed. It was deeply troubling and it'd take her forever to get through them all.

Perhaps Luna had been right all along. They should have intervened. Celestia had been certain though that Cadance could fix the problem with the Crystal Heart and stop things from devolving this far. Well, there was no going back now. All she could do was carry on and try to clean up this mess.

Celestia looked around and spotted the pile for Ponyville. It was a larger than she expected for such a small town but didn't stop to go through it. Instead, she pulled out a blank paper and penned some instructions. Twilight would have to learn how to handle these things eventually and what better way than through practice? With her note written, she dematerialized the whole stack and sent it off to Ponyville. (Somewhere, someplace, Spike cried out in agony.)

Celestia was about to start on another pile when movement caught her eye. A loose sheet of paper hit the floor. She picked it up. It was her note. Oh, how silly of her, she'd missed sending that too. With a tap, she sent it off (adding insult to Spike's injury). Twilight, the poor dear, could tie herself in a knot sometimes when she tried to work with incomplete material.

Celestia looked back at the Great White Desert. That had been just one pile of papers and there so many to get through...

***

Twilight awoke when she heard the rooster cry, sort of. The back of her mind was still asleep and she couldn't remember what day it was or where she was. The floor was hard and uncomfortable. She tried to lift her head up but hit her horn against something. “Ow.” The pain sped up her awakening process and jolted her eyes open. “Ugh.”

She crawled out from under the bed and tried to piece together what had happened. After Spike had left, she'd tried to remove that 'Want it-Need it' spell she put on herself. She must have accidentally put herself to sleep instead. That should not have happened unless there was no 'Want it-Need it' spell in the first place. Clearly she'd messed up again. She took out a parchment and quill and started a list. Item one: review the principles of decursing.

“Aaahguurrrp-Agh! Ooooh.” That sounded like Spike. Twilight accidentally broke yet another quill when his scream startled her. She dropped what she was doing and ran to her bedroom door. It refused to open.

“Spike! Spike. Are you alright?” Twilight called out to him through the door as she stopped to remove her enchantment.

“I'm oka- Agguurrp!”

Twilight opened her door and ran downstairs. Spike was lying on his back surrounded in papers and the latest one came fluttering down on his nose. Spike groaned. Twilight looked around at the mess. There were papers everywhere. Where would the best place to start be? Twilight picked Spike's nose.

The paper that perched on his draconian protuberance was actually a letter from Celestia with instructions about what to do with the rest. These were complaint forms. Typically lower offices handled this kind of work. In Ponyville, Mayor Mare would be in charge of it. Complaint forms such as these would only wind up at the palace if they were too difficult to resolve satisfactorily or if there was an overwhelming number of them. Twilight cringed, she had an awful feeling about this...

Spike got to his feet and steadied himself. He looked up at Twilight while she frowned and bared her teeth. He looked around at all the papers he'd coughed up. “Oooh, What's all this about? What are these for?” He was a little less steady than he thought and leaned against the wall for support.

“These are all complaint forms. They'll be easier to get through if we sort them by type. Check the box on the upper right,” Twilight said.

“Well, okay.” Spike bent down to pick up a loose pile. The sheet on the bottom crinkled. When he picked it up, globules of tree sap that hadn't been cleaned up yet stuck to the page and stretched all the way to the floor like bubblegum. “Eww.” Spike shook the paper trying to get it to break free.

“Spike! Stop fooling around.” Twilight leaned down and glared at him.

“Ah.” Spike jumped back and dropped what he'd picked up. Twilight leaned forward and snorted at him. “Okay. Okay.” He bent down and picked them up one at a time reading aloud as he did so. “Twilight... Twilight... Twilight... Twilight, what did you do?”

She avoided telling him that he could read the forms to find out. “Never mind that, just keep sorting.”

“Okay. Twilight... Twilight... Twilight...“

Twilight's heart pounded in her chest. This was terrible, awful, disastrous. Every single pony in this town probably hated her now. What would Celestia do when she found out? OH NO! Celestia already knew. These reports came to her first. Right now, she was planning her punishment. She'd remove Twilight's wings, or banish her, or lock her up, or-

“Twilight... Twilight... Pinkie Pie...”

“But I don't want to go to magic kindergarten on the moon!” Twilight blurted out.

“Huh?” Spike asked. “Who said anything about magic kindergarten or the moon?”

“I'm doomed. Doomed! I'll be banished for a thousand years. I-” Twilight suddenly froze. “Did you say... Pinkie Pie?” Twilight eyed the report Spike was holding, and grabbed it in a lavender glow. “Let me see that.”

“Ow, hey!” Spike's claw was caught in her glow and he wound up getting pulled along briefly when she yanked at the paper. He fell over and dropped all the papers he'd already sorted. “Hrmph.” Spike got back up to begin again. This time he sorted silently while Twilight read.

“What?” Twilight looked over that report, and looked over it again. It didn't change the second time, no matter how much she'd wanted it to. For all her fear of Celestia's wrath, the knowledge that she'd truly failed her friends was far worse. She'd underestimated them. They hadn't given up. Sure, they got off to a rough start... but they tried to complete the project too. Even Pinkie... Happy bubbly Pinkie...

And now... Twilight knew she'd been wrong all along. But she hadn't told her friends... Not yet. She looked up from the complaint form and walked over to a window. Some of them were already gathered outside. Their heads hung low. Their hooves dragged. Their smiles were all upside-down.

“Spike. I want you to sort these papers into three piles. One pile for my friends – bring that one out when your done – and one pile for myself.” Twilight scratched her chin. “Anything else don't bring out.” Twilight walked outside before Spike could get her to clarify those confusing instructions.

Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, and Rainbow Dash were just milling about where the mailbox used to be. They weren't saying anything, and Pinkie Pie's midsection was completely wrapped in bandages.

Twilight walked out slowly, dreading every step. What if... what if one of them had actually succeeded? What if... they all had? Was she looking at three ponies, or the beginnings of six? Three of whom were unnecessary... Twilight swallowed. How could she break the news?

Her thoughts were interrupted by a scuffing noise. Big Mac was backing up and dragging Applejack in by her tail. She was on her back, legs sticking straight up in the air, eyes wide, unblinking, and staring into the sky. She didn't even twitch when she was dragged over rocks and her head bounced off them.

“You,” Fluttershy said. Her tone of voice was hardly flattering.

Big Mac twisted around. “You,” he responded in kind.

They locked eyes – eyes that narrowed. They bent their heads down, snorted and growled. The crouched down a bit, and scrapped their hooves on the ground as if preparing to charge.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's gotten between you two?” Twilight got between them. “Big Mac what's wrong? Fluttershy, I never thought I'd see you behave like this.”

“She started it.” Big Mac stamped his hooves and snorted again.

Fluttershy dropped her offensive stance, crossed her hooves and meekly swung her head away. “Twilight, I-”

“Twilight, Twilight.” Sweetie Belle came running up. “Have you seen Rarity? She's missing. And she was supposed to take me to the Wonderbolts derby today.”

“Uh, sorry Sweetie, but Rarity left for the Crystal Empire yesterday,” Twilight said.

“What? The Crystal Empire?” Sweetie Belle said.

“Aw, heh heh. Sweetie, you should come with me and Scoots then,” Rainbow Dash said. “I could be like your, uh, half-sister or something for a day. I promise I won't let you down. Well, if they're even still having the race today, that is.”

“Really? Thanks Rainbow Dash! Wait. Why wouldn't they – uh.” Sweetie Belle stopped talking to look up at the sky. Twilight followed her gaze.

A royal chariot was approaching. Twilight knelt low to the ground and whimpered. At any moment now, Celestia would hop off, strip her wings from her, assign her first-year magic homework, then banish her straight to the moon for a thousand years. Wait, that wasn't Celestia's chariot. He fear was replaced by apprehension as Cadance flew in. So far, she was the only pony smiling. Rarity was sitting next to her with a fake grin plastered over-top of her grimace.

When the chariot stopped moving, Rarity hopped off and hugged and kissed the ground.

“Uh, Rarity, what are you doing?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I just really hate flying. That's all,” Rarity said in a harsh whisper.

“What, but you had no problems with flying during the young flyer- oh.”

“Precisely.”

Cadance hopped off herself and ran over to greet Twilight. It took her a moment to realize that she was singing about sunshine and ladybugs by herself. “Twilight, are you okay?” she asked.

“No! I screwed up! I thought- I mean; and now all my friends...” Her face scrunched up in a huge frown, and tears were dripping down her cheeks. He friends watched her break down. Despite their own problems, they looked sympathetic. Big Mac wasn't.

He leaned over to glare at Twilight and pointed a hoof at her. “Ai'm very disappointed in you Twilight. Applejack told me all about it. Have you no shame? How could you ask your friends to get pregnant?”

“Pregnant?” Cadance and Sweetie Belle asked.

“What kind of awful friend are you?” Big Mac added.

“But, I thought Celestia-” Twilight tried to excuse herself but Big Mac cut her off.

“Celestia'd never ask any pony to do that. If she asked me to breed ai'd spit in her face.” The other pony's eyes widened in shock. “'Cause that wouldn't be her. It'd be an impostor.”

“He's right.” Twilight hung her head in shame. “She didn't ask for that. It was an art project all along. There's an exhibit next year at the Canterlot Gardens. We'd have to get started early by making reservations due to limited space.” The atmosphere relaxed a few degrees. Her friends let out some of the breath they'd been holding tightly. But there was still a lot of tension. They glanced around at each other nervously. Applejack continued to stare blankly at the sky. Big Mac grunted, and Sweetie Belle wrapped herself around Rarity's leg. Rarity whispered something to Cadance, who nodded.

Cadance walked up and gave Twilight a rather embarrassing inspection. Twilight knew what she was doing but submitted to it all the same. Cadance repeated the process with Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy. She was gentler with Pinkie, due to the bandages. She prodded Applejack in the flank a few times before starting on her. Applejack didn't respond.

“They're clean,” Cadence said. Now they relaxed.

“I'm so glad to hear that,” Twilight blurted out. “Uh, I mean, not that I would have been upset at all if they weren't...”

“But you would have felt responsible for it,” Rarity said.

“I'm already responsible for so much! Applejack hasn't even blinked yet, and Pinkie, are you all right? What happened?”

“I got a bit carried away. That's all. It's just a cracked rib. It'll mend in a few days. The doctor says I have to keep the bouncing to a minimum, try not to stress it too much, and definitely no pouring myself though any faucets again anytime soon.” The other ponies looked at Pinkie with strange expressions – except Applejack, who continued to stare up at the sky.

“I think she's exaggerating. There's no way that could be possible – even for her,” Rarity said.

“As much it it pains me (literally sometimes), I've learned it's best not to question things too much when Pinkie's involved,” Twilight said.

“I always aim to please.” Pinkie smiled.

Twilight walked over to Applejack and looked her in the face. The Earth pony was one with her element. She was breathing steadily but nothing they'd said so far had gotten a response. “Big Mac, do you have any idea what's wrong with your sister?”

Twilight turned around when he ignored her question. “Big Mac – hey!” With Twilight out of the way, he was free to resume glaring at Fluttershy. She was glaring back in kind. They started growling. “I thought I told you two to cut it out!” Twilight got between them. “Fluttershy, I don't get it. You never act like this. What happened?”

“He insulted me for being a pegasus, he called me a 'cow', he said my body 'sucks', he spat in my face!” Fluttershy listed her grievances.

“She refused to take 'no' for an answer and kept trying to force herself on me,” Big Mac said.

“What! Why did you do that?” Twilight asked Fluttershy.

“I just couldn't help myself. When the sky turned red, I was overcome by the most intense passion I'd ever felt. I... I knew it wouldn't ever work. I knew I'd never be able to overpower a pony as strong as Big Mac, but I felt compelled to just keep trying anyway.”

“Wait, you felt it too? All the way out here? But you're not even close to the Crystal Empire.” Rarity looked around in surprise.

“I felt it too,” Rainbow Dash said.

“Same here,” said Pinkie.

“Ooh, do you know what this means?” Cadance looked up at the sky with a huge smile and rubbed her hooves together. “This is even better than I'd thought! Not only can I spread love across the Crystal Empire, but across the entire world?”

“Uh, maybe I should explain what happened,” Rarity said. “Before Queen Shipper here spouts off an evil plot to destroy the world.” Cadance playfully stuck her tongue out at Rarity.

“When I got to the Crystal Empire, I went to see Cadance to seek her advice with the 'pony project'. She wasn't available, so naturally I went to admire the Crystal Heart. Can't really blame me for being so fascinated with a giant, magical gemstone can you? That's when I was overcome with raw magical power; power so great it let me look through the heart and deep into the entirety of the Crystal Empire."

“I briefly had to struggle with some tacky lingering dark magic that tried to tempt me into overthrowing Cadance and ruling the empire with fear and hatred like Sombra did.”

“I couldn't believe it myself. All this time we'd been living with a second shadow.” Cadance sat down and placed a hoof over her heart.

“Dark magic! There's dark magic still lingering in the heart itself?” Twilight asked with urgency.

Rarity waved her off. “Not anymore there isn't.” Rarity couldn't lift her other foreleg to thump her chest proudly because Sweetie Belle was still clinging to it. “Sweetie...”

“Oh, sorry.” Sweetie Belle let go.

“Now, as I was saying, I'd never quite felt more connected to the Element of Generosity than I did at that moment. It was supplying me with magical energy, and well, generosity and slavery don't mix.”

“Wait,” Twilight said, “your magic surge came from your tie to the Elements? Because right about that time I'd botched a 'Want it-Need it' spell. It was going out of control when the Element of Magic absorbed it. That explains everything. It must have sent the spell to you somehow, and from you to the heart where the spell could effect everyone!” Twilight's teeth chattered as she gnawed at her hooves.

“No, Twilight. That doesn't quite explain it. I'd only gotten raw magic. I had to cast the spell myself.” Rarity sighed and looked up at the sky. “It was unpleasant, but it only took a little magic to cleanse the heart. I had a lot of power left over, and with the dark magic gone, I felt three things.

“First and foremost, I had a strong connection to the empire. I could see all the inhabitants. I could feel what they felt; I knew who they were, as if I'd known them all my life. They had such trouble adjusting to life after being banished for so long, and didn't feel truly alive again yet.

“Secondly, I was very generous. While I could see into their hearts, I wanted to bear mine, to show them everything I had to offer. And I had a lot to offer. Lastly, ever since I left for the Crystal Empire, I'd been getting intense bouts of passion for the crystal stallions. Whenever I saw one I'd just heat up. Since I was connected to all of them, I had an enormous amount pent up and I decided to share.”

“Wait, that doesn't make sense,” Rainbow Dash said. “Passion that strong just isn't natural. Twilight's explanation makes more sense.”

“Well, maybe not for most ponies. But it seems to run in my family. My mother mentioned feeling something similar to that when she met my father.” Rarity bared her teeth and frowned.

“That sounds like a lovely story. Why are you cringing?” Fluttershy asked.

“Yes, well, she didn't then have to go on and explain in great detail about how I'd been conceived.” Rarity lowered her head and her cheeks flushed a deep crimson. Cadance and a few others giggled at that.

“Regardless, that's how the sky turned red and where the passion came from.” Rarity finished her tale and sat down. "It was such a lovely sky too," she added wistfully.

“Well don't just stop there,” Pinkie said. “You were just getting to the juicy part.”

“Whatever do you mean?” Rarity asked.

“Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said, “tell us about how you chased some tail.”

“Hrmph. A lady does not just 'chase some tail'. That's hardly prim or proper. I just asked some stallions politely and they said 'no'. That's all.”

“That's not what I saw,” Cadance said. Rarity waved for her to stop but Cadance ignored her. “A lady should not bite or kick so much. That's hardly prim or proper. But don't worry, the doctor assures me those stallions will make a full recovery.” Rarity collapsed on the ground and buried her head in her hooves. She was blushing again.

“Rarity-” Sweetie Belle poked at her sister. “-That wasn't nice.”

“I'll explain it to you later,” Rarity replied in a whisper.

“Well then you two-” Twilight stepped out from between Fluttershy and Big Mac and turned to face them. “-now that you know the full story, don't you have something to say to each other?”

With attention back on them, Fluttershy and Big Mac felt obligated to resume glaring at each other.

“I think I know something that would cheer them up.” Cadance stuck out her tongue and lit up her horn in a soft, blue glow. Little red hearts began to bubble out of its tip.

“Cadance-” Twilight waved a hoof at her dismissively “-these two don't need a love spell. They just need to apologize.”

Big Mac and Fluttershy totally freaked out when Twilight said 'love spell'. They jumped in the air, eyes wide, and scrambled away. Cute little hearts floated to the ground where they'd been standing. They did not want to get close to those things at all. Sweetie Belle seemed to enjoy playing with them, though.

“Look, I'm sorry I started the whole thing. I should have known better.” Twilight said.

“And she should know better too. It's still her fault.” Big Mac pointed at Fluttershy. Her eyes narrowed in anger and... her expression softened when she caught Twilight glaring at her.

“It's true. I'm sorry I tried to force myself on you. I should have left you alone when you said 'no'.” Fluttershy closed her eyes and sighed. “Big Mac, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but, when I helped with your chores, and set out that picnic, I really was trying to get to know you better. I felt like I was making a new friend but, when you rejected me so harshly you took that all away.” Fluttershy was trying to do her best not to cry but she wasn't doing a very good job.

“Ai guess ai could have been nicer too,” Big Mac said. “The first time.”

“Then I guess it's settled. You two don't have to be lovers, but you can still be friends.” Twilight extended a hoof. “Deal?”

Fluttershy and Big Mac looked each other in the eyes. “Deal,” they said and extended a foreleg to tap their hooves together. It seemed like a great weight had been lifted from between them. They no longer suffocated from the smothering pressure of a relationship. They could, at least, tolerate each other again.

Big Mac tuned to walk away. He prodded Applejack's flank. “You've got a lot to be sorry for too,” he said.

Applejack didn't budge, she still stared blankly at the sky.

“Applejack, what is wrong with you?” Rainbow Dash asked. She flew over and started making faces at hopes of getting a response.

“There isn't anything physically wrong her. But she looks like she's frozen in shock.” Twilight also loomed her head over Applejack. “Perhaps I could try a memory spell?”

“Unless you can erase memories I don't think that would help. I mean, it was just last night, but I know I'm going to get chills for weeks thinking about what happened in Cloudsdale.” Rainbow Dash shuddered.

“Huh, did something happen to Cloudsdale?” Fluttershy asked.

“Did something happen? Did something happen? Cloudsdale is holey-er than the Changling army.” Rainbow Dash threw out her forelegs in exasperation. “You can see the sun straight through the Rainbow Factory.”

The other ponies just stood there, blinking.

“What goes on in the Rainbow Factory was never meant to see the light of day.”

The other ponies just stood there, staring. They stopped blinking.

“Well, rainbows are pretty sensitive to light.”

“Why is Cloudsdale full of holes?” Rarity asked.

“Oh, right, that...” Rainbow Dash closed her eyes and swallowed. She opened them and rolled them upwards while pointing a hoof at the sky. “Well, when the sky turned red, I wasn't thinking of any particular pony so, uh, I decided to find one. I didn't want just any pony though; I wanted the best. I'd already exhausted my options in Ponyville, so I went to Cloudsdale instead. But when I got there, I found that there weren't any stallions to be seen. All the mares were out though.”

“The same thing happened in Ponyville,” Pinkie said.

“A similar thing happened in the Crystal Empire too, but all the ponies were outside when the spell took effect and they were slow to separate,” Rarity said. “I think I botched the spell up and made the stallions feel different somehow.”

“No, no. The stallions felt the same way,” Cadance said, matter-of-factually.

“What?” Rarity asked. “If that was true than wouldn't they have been more...” Rarity's voice trailed off and she started blushing again.

“Approachable?” Pinkie Pie asked.

Cadance sat down on her hind legs and waved a hoof in front of her. “Well, it must be pretty confusing for a stallion to feel like a mare in heat.”

That was just too much for them. The lot of them just burst out laughing and rolled over.

“Oh, my ribs,” Rainbow Dash cried out in pain.

“Oh, my ribs,” Pinkie Pie cried out in actual pain.

Twilight bumped into Applejack, but she just rocked back and forth and continued to stare up blankly at the sky.

“Oh, oh man... That explains sooo much,” Rainbow Dash said. “Well, as I was saying, I wanted only the best pony I could get. Well, I wasn't thinking clearly – clearly – so I was only going to keep the stallion who it took me the longest to catch. But there weren't any ponies to catch. They were all in hiding.

“So I took the direct route, and busted a hole in the nearest wall. Sure enough, there was a pony there. I caught him very quickly, and released him because he was too slow.” Rainbow Dash took a deep breath. “The other mares saw me and started kicking the walls down too. I... I wanted to condemn them for the vandalism, but every time they flushed a new stallion out of hiding, I... I wound up chasing him instead.

“So I spent the rest of the night uselessly catching and releasing ponies while Cloudsdale was being destroyed around me. I think I'd set my standards so high that a pony wold have to actually outrun me before I'd even consider him.”

“Heh heh, well, I'm sure you can just put Cloudsdale back together again right?” Twilight asked.

“Any building can be repaired eventually, but we'll need water for that. We may have to extend the summer dry spell. We'll have to make clouds just to patch up the place before we can make clouds for rain. If it takes too long though, I guess we could try importing rain from Las Pegasus.”

“Las Pegasus?” Applejack fell over.

“Applejack!” Rainbow Dash bent down to help her up.

“Are you all right? You really had us worried there.” Twilight ran over to lend a hoof too. The other ponies crowded around as well. Sweetie Belle just spun in circles humming to herself, though.

“Alright? Alright? NO! Of course ai'm not all right.” Applejack accepted their help standing up. Once she was standing up, she reached a foreleg up to her crest. “Dang blast it all. Ai've lost my hat, too.”

“Applejack, we can get you a new hat,” Rarity said.

“Yeah, forget the hat.” Rainbow Dash hovered above the ground and extended her forelegs. “What's so special about Las Pegasus anyway?”

“But that hat's-” Applejack dropped the subject. “Oh, never mind.” She put all four hooves back on the ground and snorted. “Las Pegasus is the only place left with an active sperm bank. But it's a pegasus town, and ai don't want a pegasus donor.”

“You too.” Fluttershy narrowed her eyes.

“Ai'm sorry Fluttershy, but ai can't help how ai feel.” Applejack drooped her eyelids. “Pegasus are still better than unicorns, though.”

“What.” Rarity glared at Applejack.

“Uh, ai mean-”

“Ooh, ooh, do you treat Earth ponies like dirt too?” Pinkie asked.

“I think we're getting a bit off topic here.” Twilight stepped in. “Good thinking about the sperm bank though. But I'm sure they carry all pony types. After all, pegasus have varied tastes but only other pegasus can live in a cloud city. Heck, if this 'pony project' had turned out to be real, I'd offer to take us all there right now.”

“That doesn't explain why you were so... 'out of it', though,” Rarity said. “What else did you do?” Sweetie Belle rolled over towards Rarity. Rarity stopped her with a hoof and sent her rolling off in the opposite direction with a gentle nudge.

“Ah, well, ai kind of hit the cider, hard,” Applejack said. “Big Mac found me, and we got into an argument, and that's when the sky turned red.” Applejack swallowed. “And then ai hit on him.”

The other ponies cringed, even Cadance. Sweetie Belle stopped rolling. “What?” she squeaked.

“He ran off, of course, and right then and there ai decided 'no more cider'-”

“That's right. You can't just make your problems go away by drinking,” Pinkie said.

“What?” Rainbow Dash hovered over Pinkie and pointed at her. “But you're always the first one in line to buy cider and you buy so much there's hardly any left for the ponies that come after you.”

“I never said drinking was bad. You just have to be responsible first. That's all.” Pinkie sat down and crossed her forelegs and looked away with closed eyes.

“Ai said, 'No more cider,' because ai needed something stronger,” Applejack said. (Pinkie slapped her face with a hoof.) “Ai went for an old elixir. It was so old it tasted rotten. But it was still potent. It clears all worries and inhibitions while it lasts but... It won't let you forget anything either.

“At that point, with the cider mixed with the elixir and the red sky, ai... Ai just wandered around town, begging the ponies ai met to have sex with me.” Applejack's eyes were wide and she was shuddering, reliving the memory she couldn't forget. “Caramel, Twilight Sky, Quick Fix, Comet Tail, Bright Idea, Lucky Lavender...”

“What? But those aren't all Earth ponies,” Twilight Sparkle said.

“And some of them are mares,” Pinkie Pie said.

“One of them, said 'yes'.” Applejack blurted out, to her own horror.

“Really?” Rarity asked. “What happened then?”

“What do you think happened? Ai threw up and passed out,” Applejack said. “Eventually,” she added; too faint to hear.

“And when you woke up you couldn't come to terms with what you did, and Big Mac had to drag you here, right?” Twilight asked.

“Oh Twilight,” Applejack collapsed on the ground in front of Twilight, grabbing one of her forelegs and looking up into her eyes. “Can't you do something, anything, to make me forget that awful night? Please, ai'm begging you to at least try.”

“Not without causing massive brain damage.” Twilight removed her foreleg from Applejack's grip.

“Well, it's not like ai was using it anyway...”

“I think I can help you feel better,” Cadance said.

“Really? Well lay it on me then – the most powerful spell you got.” Applejack clenched her eyes shut in anticipation. Candance just walked over and bent down to whisper in Applejack's ear. “Ai didn't think about it that way... but ai'm not that kind of pony.”

“I wouldn't worry too much. Most of the ponies you asked were still male, after all.”

“Thanks, Cadance. That does make me feel better.” Applejack got up and dusted herself off. “And ai'll keep that other thing in mind too.”

Sweetie Belle rammed her horn into the ground and kicked herself upright with her hind legs. She stood upside-down briefly, before falling over backwards.

“Uh, Sweetie Belle?” Rarity asked.

“I'm booored,” she whined. Pinkie Pie looked down on her face, practically touching noses.

“Well we can't have a frown. Not in this town.

So please reciprocate, when I say that you are great.

You'll unquestionably, be happy for me;

for I'm unquestionably, Pinkie! - Boop”

Pinkie Pie stuck out her hoof and tapped Sweetie's nose.

“Hey,” Sweetie Belle said. She rolled over and got up. “I'll get you back.” She chased after Pinkie trying to hit her with a hoof, but Pinkie kept dodging. “Boop, boop, beep, beep – Bop!” she said, as she swung at Pinkie. Her last attempt made a connection, hitting Pinkie squarely on the bandage. “Ha ha, that was fun, Pinkie.”

Pinkie's eyes went wide and her pupils shrunk to points. She talked through clenched teeth, “Any... time... Sweetie...”

“Okay, 'Sweetie Bot', why don't you settle down a bit. I think we're almost done here. If you're good we'll get you some ice cream,” Rarity said.

“Yay! Ice cream.” Sweetie Belle bounced in the air. Then she saw Rarity's expression. “Uh, I mean... I'll just sit over here... quietly.”

“That's a good girl.” Rarity patted her sister on the back.

“So, uh, Pinkie?” Rainbow Dash landed in front of Pinkie. She held a foreleg out in front of her but wasn't pointing in any direction. She was looking around though. “You'd said that the stallions were all hiding inside but Applejack said that she'd met several of them. This place doesn't look destroyed so... What happened here?”

“Well, yeah, the night started off, like that thing you said, but I wasn't going to let all the mares just wallow in misery outside while the boys hid; so I came up with a plan. We pretended that Twilight had come up with a cure, but they had to come outside to get it. Once they did, we locked them out.”

“You impersonated me?” Twilight frowned at Pinkie.

“Well I'd of asked you if you were there. Duuh. I'm surprised I didn't see you at all. I'd have expected you to at least show up when the screaming started. That library's not completely soundproof.”

“She has a good point. What were you doing Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.

“There's not much to say, really. I just happened to look into a mirror when the sky turned red. I thought I'd cast 'Want it-Need-it' on myself so I hid under my bed. I tried to remove the spell, but my counterspell misfired since there was nothing for it to remove and I wound up knocking myself out.”

“Well, now that you've all told me what happened, I think I can make a summary for Celestia when I meet with her.” Cadance got up to return to her chariot.

“Wait Cadance, we're not quite done yet.” Twilight motioned for her to stop. Then she swung her head around to face the library. “Spike! Spike!”

“Yes, Twilight?” came his muffled reply.

“Aren't you done yet?”

“I'm trying but these last few papers are just so sticky...”

“Just bring out what you have then,” Twilight commanded.

Spike kicked open the door and came out with a pile of papers. It was a fairly respectable pile, a bit more than a hoof-width in height. A couple of other papers stuck to his side. “These are the complaints about your friends,” he said and dropped them in a pile by her feet. He turned around and went back inside.

“What,” Applejack said.

“Complaints about us?” Pinkie Pie asked.

“That's right,” Twilight said. “Each and every one of these is a grievance that you've inflicted upon a fellow citizen. Now, as you can see: there are quite a lot of them. I know you weren't quite feeling yourselves but the sheer number is still disappointing. I expect each and every one of you to go through this pile and-”

“-and this-” Spike came back outside again. He was carrying a much larger pile – about three times as large. Twilight spun around when she heard his voice. She frantically waved her hooves in the air in an effort to get him to stop – but it was no use. He couldn't see over the top of the pile. “-is the pile of complaints about you.” He dropped it next to the other pile.

The ponies stared at the two piles of papers. The enormous difference between the sizes of them was enough to crack them up. They all stood there laughing while Twilight tried her best to bury her head in the sand. (There was no sand – she wasn't very successful). Failing that, she just pressed her head on the ground and covered it with her hooves. She burst out crying.

“I'm such a failure! I made such a fool of myself. Celestia has to be so disappointed in me. She'll come by at any moment now and punish me for my horrible mistakes. She'll banish me straight to the moon! No, the moon won't be good enough for me. That's only for her real family. She'll have to send me somewhere else – like Uranus! She'll banish me to magic kindergarten for a thousand years and make me do all my homework on Uranus and-”

“Woah there.” Cadance stepped in. She put a hoof on Twilight's shoulder. “Remember what I taught you. Deep breaths.” She demonstrated the technique again: she took in a deep breath and extended a foreleg as she exhaled to let the tension out. Twilight followed suit, but didn't look any more relaxed.

“Twilight,” Cadande said, “Aunt Tia doesn't want to punish you.”

“What? But she sent me all these complaint forms,” Twilight said.

“Exactly. She's giving you the opportunity to be responsible for yourself. It's not like Celestia never gets any complaints about her own behavior, either.”

“Oh.”

“Uh, Twilight?” Applejack asked, “Ai don't mean to pry, but if you were hiding under the bed all night then what, exactly, did they have to complain about?”

“Oh, well, I kind of spent the entire day-” Twilight paused for a bit as her eyes rolled down to look at Spike then back up at the other ponies “-asking every pony I met for 'that thing' that I'd need to complete 'that project'.”

“'That thing'?” Sweetie Belle asked, “Don't you mean- uumph.” Rarity stuck her hoof in Sweetie Belle's mouth.

Rarity leaned down and whispered in Sweetie's ear, “Not in front of Spike, you understand?” Sweetie Belle nodded, and Rarity removed her hoof.

“What, aren't you ever going to tell me what this was all about?” Spike asked.

“No.” Every pony shook her head, then tried her best to avoid laughing at him.

“Oh, fine. I see how it is. Well I have better things to do anyway. I have to go reshelve all the books in the library because some pony thought it'd be funny to rearrange them all by color.” Spike stormed off and slammed the door to the library behind him.

This got odd looks from the others. “Heh-heh, heh. I may have done that, too,” Twilight confessed.

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash laughed at that.

Twilight glared at them. “It wasn't a prank,” she said. Great. Now all her friends were laughing at her. Twilight covered her face in shame.

Once she stopped laughing Rainbow Dash poked at the paperwork. “Well, I guess all that's left is to, ugh, go through these forms,” she said.

“Well, if that's all, than I think I could be excused?” Fluttershy asked. “I only bothered one pony and we already apologized.”

“Ai think that's fine Fluttershy. You know, for all that ai'd said about pegasus, ai think it's a shame that things didn't work out between you and Big Mac. Ai'd never heard him talk so much before, he must have enjoyed your company.” Applejack scratched at her crest. Her lack of hat was bothering her again.

“I wouldn't give up on them just yet,” Twilight said. “After all, the best relationships are those that blossom from friendship.”

“Of course, you would say something like that,” Cadance said.

“Hey, I mean it. You can't have a healthy relationship without friendship. Infatuation might be cute and all, but I'd hate to be put in a spot where that was the only thing that tied us together. Cough. Equestria Girls. Cough,” Twilight said.

“Hey, are we breaking the fourth wall now?” Pinkie asked.

“Sure, Pinkie, go right ahead. We've just been standing out here chatting for hours. The narrator's probably moved on to the next scene by now. It wouldn't make sense for to go on for 7k+ words for a chapter that's basically a summary of the previous 40k words,” Twilight said.

“Oh, well, in that case. I'm going to complain about this line I was given: 'La la la-la la-la la'. Urgh!”

“Seriously, Pinkie? Seriously?” Applejack asked. “Out of all the things you've done, and out of all the lines you were given, you had to pick that to complain about?”

“Well, it makes me sound like a complete ditz.”

“Nice earrings, by the way,” Applejack said.

“Thanks.” Pinkie's voice dripped with venom.

“Well, ai've got something that's really been bothering me too,” Applejack said. “You, uh, do know that ai can say the word, 'I', right? I think every pony already knows what I sound like by now. You don't have to just randomly make up words just because I'm the one that's speaking. How the heck would you even pronounce 'ai' anyway? Ah-ee? It makes no sense!” Applejack threw up her forelegs.

“Oh, and one more thing: why do you capitalize Earth pony but not pegasus or unicorn? Isn't that inconsistent?” Applejack asked.

“Well, the narrator has to distinguish the Master race somehow,” Pinkie said.

“Well, in that case: carry on.”

“Well I don't have any complaints really,” Rarity said. “Any story where I can be crystalline again is one I'm willing to put up with.”

“I kind of liked it, I guess,” Fluttershy said. “I mean, I didn't get what I wanted, in the plot, but I didn't have to be timid much at all. Nor was I really all that mean, either. Except to Big Mac, of course, but he kind of deserved it.”

“Well I give it a 4/10. It needed way more sonic rainbooms.” Rainbow Dash flew up and did a back-flip and smacked her hooves together.

“You act like you've been reading the story. I couldn't get past the first word,” Twilight said. “Who, in their right mind, would ever start a story with the work 'meanwhile'? It makes no sense! It means that an action is concurrent with another one, but if it's the first word in the story than there's no action to be concurrent with! Grah!”

DEAR SWEET CELESTIA! WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU PONIES DOING? I step out for five minutes and you've decided it'd be more fun to rant about the story than to finish it? You only had about two more lines in this section to go and then you could have ranted all you want. But noooo, now I'm going to have to go back and edit this all out. Thanks a lot.

Rarity put on her glasses. “While you're at it, why don't you start at the beginning of this whole chapter. It's kind of... dull.”

Really, Rarity, really? For that you get an unnecessary epilogue.

“Uh, thanks?” Rarity drooped her ears.

“Ooh, ooh, cam I be in the unnessa-what's it too?” Sweetie Belle asked.

Uh, sure, Sweetie. Why not?

Well, we might as well pick up where we left off. Cadance, line.

...

Cadance?

...

It seems like some pony would rather be chasing butterflies. CADANCE!

“Oh, sorry, what?” Cadance asked.

Line.

“Right. Ahem. Of course, you would say something like that,” Cadance said.

“Well, I guess my opinion of love will change once it happens to me,” Twilight said, and blushed.

“I think you ponies have your work cut out for you.” Cadance pointed at the paperwork. “So if there's nothing else, I'm going to give my report to Celestia.”

“Wait, shouldn't we report what we've learned?” Twilight asked.

“I think, in this case, what you've learned is mostly personal and not something that needs to be shared.” Cadance pointed to Applejack, who nodded.

With no further other objections, Cadance left for Canterlot. Twilight and most of the others sorted through the forms. Rarity and Sweetie Belle left for ice cream and Fluttershy returned to her cottage.

***

Celestia was hard at work in her throne room. It wasn't even noon yet, and she could feel the bags building under her eyes. She wouldn't have to go though every page individually, but she still had to go through enough to get a sense of the kind of damages and grievances that had occurred. One she'd decided what kind of actions to take, she could turn things back over to the lesser offices and issue a blanket statement. It'd help if she knew why all of this had even happened in the first place, but only Cadance could tell her that.

As if thinking of her was an actual summons, the guard at the door spoke up, “My lady,” he said, “Princess Mi Amore-” The huge double doors burst open in a flash of blue magic and Cadance came running in. The huge piles of paperwork strewn across the room didn't deter her in the least. As a matter of fact, she lept on top of the largest pile she could find and used her momentum to slide across the room. She was body-surfing on the suffering of others.

“Wheee.” Huge piles came crashing down and papers scattered in every direction as Cadance came to a stop at the foot of Celestia's throne.

“Cadance-” Celestia looked up at chaos that had arrived in her wake. She'd carved a rut clean through the Great White Desert. “-what is the meaning of this?”

“I had the most magical night last night,” she said. She looked up at Celestia and winked at her.

“I can only imagine. But surely you knew there was something wrong with the Crystal Heart. How could you let that go on for so long? Shouldn't fixing it have been your top priority?”

“What? And turn down such a wonderful gift?” Cadance's eyes went wide with shock.

“Gift?” Celestia's world view was proving to be about as stable as the piles of papers that had come crashing down.

“Oh yes, and what a marvelous gift it was.” Cadance finally got up to address Celestia properly. “The story doesn't start with me though, it began in Ponyville.”

“Ponyville?”

Cadance laughed. “Did you even read any of those forms you sent off to Twilight? Most of those complaints were about her, you know.”

“What? What did she do?” Celestia's eyes shrank to points at the thought of her most prized pony getting herself into so much trouble.

“It's less of what she did, and more of what she almost did; for you see...” Cadance leaned forward and whispered in Celestia's ear. She was doing about as much giggling as whispering. Celestia wasn't laughing, though.

“What?” ... “She thought I what?” ... “She did what?” ... “They all did WHAT?” Celestia's mane stopped flowing and faded to pink. “But I don't understand, how could this have happened? I thought my instructions were perfectly clear.” Cadance shrugged. “Did anything come of this?” Celestia shook Cadance by her shoulders.

“No, I checked them over,” Cadance said. Celestia closed her eyes and let out her breath. “As for how this ties to the Crystal heart; Rarity...” Cadance leaned forward and whispered again.

“Dark magic!” Celestia went stiff.

“Not anymore, she removed it. But believe me, I had no idea it was there either,” Cadance said.

“Removed it?” Celestia asked.

“Yes, it's gone for good now. As much trouble as all of this has caused, I'd say that that alone makes it worthwhile. I'd rather have one night of craziness than have to deal with something like Sombra again.”

“Now that I can agree with,” Celesta said.

“And the night wasn't crazy so much as it was amorous. In those few hours, I leaned so much about the Crystal Heart and what it's truly capable of.”

“Uh...” Celestia felt a sense of dread wash over her. Had she given a superweapon to the Princess of Love?

“It'd be a shame not to use it again. I've already got plans for next year.” Cadance rubbed her hooves together and smiled.

“Next year?”

“Oh yes. You know, last night used to be an old holiday, the 'Night of Life'. I doubt I could bring it back in its original form, but if I tone things down a bit-”

“Obviously.”

“-and change the name, I think I can bring the holiday back. I was thinking along the lines of 'Marehood Day'.”

“Cadance, are you sure that's wise?” Celestia asked.

“Hmm, now that you mention it, I should probably add a 'Stallion Day' too. And I can light up the sky for all our other holidays as well.”

“What I mean is: I'm not sure it's such a good idea to fiddle with ponies' emotions all willy-nilly like that.”

“In moderation, I'm sure it will be fine.” Cadance turned to walk out. She walked through the groove she'd cut through the piles of papers when she'd come in. It was as if the desert sands of suffering had parted to let her pass.

Before she left the room, Celestia called out to her, “And you're absolutely positive that nothing came of this?”

Cadance shrugged. “No more than I was when you first asked me that.”

“I still don't understand how it could even happen in the first place. I was sure to send both my note and the flier.”

“Oh, is that what happened? And to think, this whole mess could have been avoided if some pony had used a stapler.” With that, Cadance walked out.

***

Far from pony civilization, or any civilization for that matter, exists a small island out in the middle of the ocean which consists entirely of sharp rocks. 'Island' might not be the proper word for it really, since it's exposed in low tide and flooded in high tide. Indeed, there's nothing that can really grow or prosper there since the treacherous surf will uproot any plant that tries to grow there and exposure to air will suffocate any sea creature that tries to move in.

Despite that, there are some creatures that can still survive, but certainly nothing large or intelligent. With nothing of any use there, the place has remained completely untouched by pony kind. As it exists now, it's only a hazard to shippers, really.

And then they had sex.

The end.

Next Chapter:
Unnecessary Epilogue
Alternate Title: Sweetie Belle's Waffle Iron – The Revenge of the Hats

Author's Note

Twilight picked Spike's nose.

Success! Spike now has an open nose!

“These are the complaints about your friends,” he said and dropped them in a pile by her feet.

Hoof-like feet, I presume. Well, unless what they say about alicorns is true...

But noooo, now I'm going to have to go back and edit this all out.

Maybe later.

And then they had sex.

Why bother to ruin a perfectly good love story by adding trivial things like characters, right?

Unnecessary Epilogue

Unnecessary Epilogue

Note: Click on to the upper right and change 'Light' to 'Dark' for a better feel.

Now that the mood is set...

About four months later... (around late October)

Darkness flowed through Ponyville like a river and clung to it like fog. The sun would not shine there, for the town was enveloped in eternal night. This anomaly defied all logic and reason and completely smothered the town in panic.

In the center of it all were three forms, three bringers of darkness, three ponies of shadow, three heralds of chaos and doom.

“No pony expects the Cutie Mark Crusader Nightmare Inquisition!” they cried out.

The streets filled with screams and wails. Their arrival had been sudden and every pony was caught off-guard. They raced inside, pulled up doormats, and slammed doors and windows. All that effort would do them no good, though, for the darkness in their hearts was an open invitation.

Rarity was in her workshop when when the unnatural night suddenly arrived. She had to light up her horn to even see past her nose. Her pale, blue light revealed features that should not be there. Red, glowing eyes looked back at her. Her mannequins grew fangs. Black liquid oozed out of the walls in a very tacky manner.

“Rarity.” The whole room seemed to speak to her. Everywhere at once. Its voice was distant, dark and cold and...

“Sweetie Belle?” Rarity's head darted around. How could that... thing sound like her sister?

“Bwa ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha.” Laughter resonated throughout the room. With each syllable, more things appeared from the darkness. Cracks ran up the walls, spiders poured out of holes, the black liquid oozed upwards and pooled in the ceiling. Her fall formal fashion line faded to dusty rags. “Sweetie Belle has been completely consumed. I am now-” Green lightning flashed through the windows. Screams echoed in its wake instead of thunder. (For once, Daisy actually had something worthwhile to scream about.) “-Terror Belle.”

“Consumed? I refuse to believe that some tacky darkness has stolen my sister. Hang in there Sweetie. I'll get you out.”

“What you say, and what you feel don't match.” The black liquid that had been pooling in the ceiling dripped down in front of her. Rarity had to jump back to avoid being splashed. A dark silhouette of Sweetie Belle appeared there, mocking her. “I can see the-”

Rarity lept into the air to give the figure a swift kick. It vanished into smoke as she passed through it and crashed into the wall.

“Bwa ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha.” It was mocking her again. “You cannot win.”

Rarity got back up and looked around the room again. It was covered in spiderwebs now. Hundreds of arachnids crawled about as they worked – each with eight red, horrible eyes. It seemed like a direct attack wouldn't work. She had to get through to her sister first. “Sweetie Belle, pull yourself together. You don't want to do this.”

“Sweetie Belle won't do that for you. You never did anything for her.” Hundreds of red eyes opened mid-air and stared at Rarity from all directions. “I can feel your fear, taste your sweat, it won't be long now...”

The words it spoke filled Rarity with dread. What was it planning? She had to try again. “Sweetie Belle, I brought you a present from the Crystal Empire.”

“This? This?” A black hoof formed from the shadows and pointed at the ice skating figurine. With a crunch the hoof stomped it flat. “That might have meant something if you had actually given it to her instead of keeping it for yourself.”

“Well, I meant to, really.” Rarity kept looking around for any sign that might give her hope. “What about all those things I did for you? We even went camping.”

“Oh yes, things that she had to beg and plead for or you to do or you wouldn't lift a hoof otherwise. How touching. You never let her help with any of your work and you never offered to do anything with her unless it was something you liked, and she didn't.” The spiders left their webs and came down to circle around Rarity. They crawled on top of each other and merged together forming larger spiders, made of spiders. “Face it Rarity, you're a failure. I can feel your hope diminishing. You're mine now.”

The spiders shot webbing at her. She couldn't dodge since they were all around her. Sticky threads latched onto her fur and dug into her hide. She tried to blast them with her magic, but it was too weak. She couldn't break them. She could feel darkness seeping into her, and it felt as if she too were being consumed. Rarity had to act fast before she too was dragged into the abyss. “Sweetie Belle,” she said, one last time, “I really am pregnant.”

“WHAT?” The darkness had invaded Rarity's mind, and Sweetie Belle knew it to be true. The voice was higher pitched, squeakier. One set of eyes opened wide, green. There. Rarity still had enough strength in her for one last assault. She had to make it count.

Rarity attacked the darkness.

Natural 20.

The darkness utterly shattered. Sweetie Belle's limp form went flying through the air and landed against the far wall and slid to the floor. A few broken pieces of armor clattered to the ground next to her. Terror Belle had been defeated.

Rarity walked over with dread. She laid a hoof softly on Sweetie who groaned. Rarity gave a sigh of relief. Sweetie Belle was a pony – and not a marshmallow stain. Hoofsteps clattered behind them.

“I came as soon as I could.” That was Twilight's voice. Rarity didn't turn around to greet her because she still had her attention focused on Sweetie. “What happened here?” Twilight asked.

“OoooOoooh,” Sweetie Belle moaned. Rarity stepped back to give her some space. With a groan, Sweetie opened her eyes. They were different sizes and misaligned. She closed them again and shook her head.

“Are you okay, Sweetie?” Rarity asked.

“I... I'm sore all over.” Sweetie Belle struggled to get up and open her eyes again. Once she did, she leaned forward and wrapped herself around one of Rarity's forelegs. Rarity hugged her with the other.

“What happened?” Twilight asked.

Rarity released Sweetie who turned to face Twilight. “Oh, we were the worst balloon pilots ever. We crashed in the Everfree forest and got lost trying to find our way home. We came across some old ruins and found broken pieces of armor lying around and tried some on. And... And...” Sweetie Belle started sobbing.

Twilight looked at the broken pieces of armor on the floor. She didn't touch them, but levitated them with her magic to get a closer look. Twilight bared her teeth and scrunched up her face in a frown. “These are pieces of Nightmare Moon's old armor. They must still contain the dark forces that corrupted Princess Luna.” Twilight straightened the crown on her head and opened a box she'd brought with her.

“Twilight,” Rarity said. Twilight ignored her.

Twilight removed a necklace with a purple diamond centerpiece and hovered it over to Rarity. “Put this on. We'll have to gather up the others and-”

“Twilight.” The magical aura shifted from lavender to light blue as Rarity returned the necklace. “We can't use the Elements of Harmony. Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy are still in Maneami dealing with that Super Speedy Coconut Squeezy 7000 disaster, remember? (Seriously, how could any pony ever think that that was a good idea?)”

“Oh, right.” Twilight put the necklace back in the box. She hopped up and flapped her wings to hover in the air. “But I could still use your help.”

“Twilight, I'm sure that with your help Applejack and Rainbow Dash can save the other two. This has been a terrible ordeal for poor Sweetie Belle” -Rarity nudged her sister, who looked up, confused- “and I really must stay here to console my sister.” Rarity nudged her again.

Sweetie Belle got the hint and burst out crying. “Woe is me! Woe is me. I'm so distressed. Only my sister can ever hope to console me.”

“Uh...” Twilight hung her mouth open at them. Sweetie Belle's wooden acting and Rarity's fake grin weren't very convincing. “Alright then,” Twilight said, “I think you've done enough already. I'll leave you to console your sister.” She flew out the door and took the cursed armor with her.

Rarity sighed in relief. “Good luck, Twilight,” she said.

“Rarity,” Sweetie Belle asked, “what are the Elements of Harmony?”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Is that really what you want to talk about now?”

“No! You're pregnant? How did that happen? When's the baby due? Is it a boy or a girl?” Sweetie Belle leaned on Rarity's foreleg and looked up at her when asking those questions.

Rarity looked around the room. It wasn't creepy like it had been before, but once Twilight left the darkness started seeping back in again. “Come on, Sweetie, let's go to the kitchen and get a bite to eat. I'll answer your questions the best I can there.” She shooed Sweetie Belle off her leg.

“Oh, cravings,” Sweetie Belle said. Rarity rolled her eyes. She wasn't that pregnant yet.

Once in the kitchen, Rarity shut the door. It didn't stop the darkness, but it did slow it down. She hoped Twilight and the others would hurry up. She didn't want to face those nightmares again. “Well, Sweetie,” she said, “it happened about four months ago when I went to the Crystal Empire. So that means my foal will be due around late May.”

“What? But I thought Cadance said you bit and kicked and you told me what that meant over ice cream.” Despite the fact that they had moved to the kitchen, they weren't doing any eating. Instead, they pulled up chairs to sit across from each other at the table.

“Yes, I did bite and kick-”

“Aaaaiiieee!” That scream sounded like Lilly Valley. Rarity drooped her ears. Had she made a mistake by abandoning Twilight?

“-after I let them finish,” Rarity said.

“But, that still doesn't make sense. Wouldn't they have said something?” Sweetie Belle leaned forward on the table.

“Well, it turns out that if you kick a pony in the head hard enough, he won't remember.”

“Rarity!”

“They did make a full recovery otherwise, though,” Rarity said. she watched as the darkness crept through the room. It was showing signs of wiggling. She felt a chill creep down her withers. Sweetie Belle hopped out of the chair and pushed up Rarity's tail.

“Shouldn't there be some sign-”

“Now now, don't be rude.” Rarity pushed her sister away who flopped down on the floor and narrowed her eyes in response. “I'll have you know that I've learned a few tricks from hanging out with Twilight so much. On one of our pony pet play dates-”

“I wish I had a pet.”

“Well you can talk to our parents about that. Anyway, Opal was particularly, well, Opal that day so Twilight taught me a healing spell for small cuts and scratches. As it turns out, the spell can work on that too.”

“Wait, you did this for that 'pony project' didn't you? Wasn't that whole thing a mistake?” Sweetie Belle's words caused an Inkling to emerge from the shadows. It was a manifestation of doubt given life by the unnatural darkness. It spotted them as prey and stalked up to ambush them.

Rarity lept off her chair and landed with all four legs surrounding Sweetie Belle. Sweetie scampered to get out of the way, but backed up against a cabinet. Rarity placed a foreleg on either side of her and leaned down to keep her trapped. “Just so we're perfectly clear about this-” Rarity bucked the Inkling as it tried to ponce on her and she released Sweetie to give that creature a royal thrashing “-no pony is ever a mistake.”

An unnatural wail came from outside. It was followed by voices. They couldn't make out words but the sounds were clear enough to identify the speakers.

“Scootaloo.” Sweetie Belle shivered.

“You can do it, Rainbow Dash. I believe in you,” Rarity said. She held a hoof to her heart. The fight moved elsewhere and they were left in silence.

Sweetie Belle looked at the remains of the Inkling. They quivered, but couldn't reform. “I'm sorry Rarity. I didn't mean it like that,” she said.

“It's alright, Sweetie.” Rarity looked out the window. “Just remember that I chose for this to happen, and even if I hadn't I'd still believe that.”

Sweetie Belle walked up next to her and asked, “So is it a boy or a girl?”

“Well darling, I don't know yet, but I can find out.” Rarity extracted three maternity tests from one of her cupboards. The first one had already been opened. It was a simple positive or negative test. It came open when Rarity placed it on the table. Even though it was old, the pink color showing a positive result was still visible. The second box had silhouettes of different pony types and the third box was for gender. Rarity opened the second box.

“What? Why do you need that one? Aren't you having a unicorn?” Sweetie asked.

“Why do you say that?” Rarity spilled out the contents and tried to read the instructions in the waning light. The shadows were creeping in again.

“You're a unicorn and I'm a unicorn, and mom's a unicorn and dad's... Uh, what is dad?” Sweetie Belle scratched her head. How could she not know?

“Good question, Sweetie. One of these day's we'll catch him without his hat and find out for sure.” Rarity picked up a vial. “Now if you'll excuse me, I have to provide a sample. I'll be right back.”

As Rarity walked out the encroaching darkness suddenly made Sweetie Belle very nervous. “Uh, Rarity?”

“Yes dear?”

“Do... Do you want anything to eat?” Sweetie Belle climbed on top of the table to get as far away from the shadows on the ground as she could.

“Hmm, maybe some juice and toast,” Rarity called back absentmindedly.

Sweetie Belle heard the door to the bathroom close. The table top and the kitchen counter weren't that far away. She lept across the gap, and set the table rocking. Fortunately, it didn't upset or spill its contents. Sweetie Belle walked across the kitchen counter. Juice and toast huh? She knew how to do that. She lit the stove to heat up a frying pan and turned on the waffle iron (which didn't need a fire since it ran off of magic). She placed an eggbeater next to the frying pan and poured vinegar on the waffle iron to keep it from getting sticky.

Rarity returned hovering the vial away from her with just a pinch of her magic. “Eww.” Well, it might be gross, but if it got results she wouldn't question it. Sweetie Belle left what she was doing and ran over to the table to watch. Rarity opened a packet and dumped powder into the vial. It slowly turned clear as she stirred it. There was a thump at the window.

Rarity narrowed her eyes and scowled when she saw an Inkling trying to break through the glass. Its hollow, black eyes were somehow blacker than the dark shadows that it came from. Rarity let loose a magical burst. It missed the Inkling, but hit the tree above it. One of the branches transformed into a bushy anvil which Rarity promptly drove into the creature's head. It collapsed backwards and broke apart as it fell. In the background, Roseluck suddenly peeled herself off the ground and ran off.

Rarity closed the curtain. Sweetie Belle had pulled out the test result comparison sheet and looked at it. There was a tree next to a green box, a cloud next to a blue one, and a sun and moon next to a yellow one. The vial was still clear so she flipped the sheet over and read off the back, “blah, blah, blah... Allow five to ten minutes for the result to appear. If the mixture still remains clear, the pregnancy may not be advanced enough for the test to work. Note: Results may not be accurate in the case of twins. In the particular case that you are carrying both a pegasus and a unicorn the blue and yellow will mix together and appear green thus making you think you're carrying an Earth pony instead. Yes, this means you, Mrs. Cake. Please stop sending us hate mail.”

Rarity chuckled.

“Why is that funny?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Well, it certainly explains why she was so surprised, is all,” Rarity said. An odd odor caught her attention. “Is something burning?”

“Eep.” Sweetie Belle bounced off the chair and onto the counter again. She poked the frying pan. Was it black enough or should she wait a little longer before adding the fruit? “I can't wait to tell my friends about this,” she said.

“WHAT? No! You can't tell any pony. I'd be ruined. Ruined!” Rarity placed her hooves on the sides of her head and yelled with wide eyes. Her voice cracked. She sounded hollow, raspy, and desperate. An Inkling emerged from her shadow. She was already attached to it, and couldn't defend herself. “Uuh...” She tried to struggle, but it sapped her strength and her color stared draining.

“Eeek!” Sweetie Belle jumped in horror. The creature slithered over to hunt her as well. “Rarity!” Sweetie Belle yelled. It was no use; her sister was limp. The Inkling rhythmically rocked its head back and forth while it coiled up its body and prepared to strike. Sweetie Belle reached for the frying pan. She had to defend herself.

“It's good news!” she screamed and swung with all her might. The Inkling lunged at her and got clobbered in the face with the red-hot frying pan. It writhed and twisted but its face was stuck. Sweetie Belle pressed her advantage and grabbed the eggbeater. She was cooking now.

“You're right, Sweetie. Why didn't I see that before?” Rarity's color came back and she sat up. She blocked her face with a foreleg to avoid being splashed with Inkling remains.

Sweetie Belle placed the dirty eggbeater in the sink and took a glass from the strainer. What was left of the Inkling had been reduced to nothing more than a charred liquid sloshing around in the frying pan. Sweetie Belle poured it into the glass. “Juice,” she said.

Rarity winced at that statement. She glanced at the vial that she'd prepared earlier. It had changed color. “Sweetie Belle, the test is done,” she said.

“Ooh, what is it? What is it?” Sweetie Belle bounced over and hopped up on the chair again. “What? White? But that wasn't even an option.”

The wind picked up outside. The house shuddered as it howled by. The trees groaned in protest. There was a crack and the wind stopped. It was followed by... sobbing? Real sobbing. Pony sobbing.

“Scootaloo,” Sweetie Belle said. Spookalot had been defeated. “Is she okay?” Scootaloo never cried; well, she never cried openly for long without trying to hide it. It was unnerving to hear her friend wail like that.

“No,” Rarity said. The sobbing was suddenly muffled and cut off. Rarity could imagine the wing-hug taking place. “But she will be. She has her sister to care for her, after all.” Rarity looked around the room. Half of the unnatural darkness vanished, but the other half swirled in to take its place. Rarity shone her horn as brightly as she could to keep the darkness at bay. Things weren't over yet. It was up to Applejack now.

“I don't get it.” Sweetie Belle poked the white vial, nearly tipping it over. “What's that supposed to mean?”

Rarity enveloped a nearby pencil with her magic and carried it over to the test result sheet. Underneath the three options listed she sketched a crystal and drew an empty box next to it. She circled that option and put the pencil down.

“What? Crystal? Crystal pony?” Sweetie Belle asked. She scrunched up her face in confusion.

“I'm certain of it,” Rarity said. “Though I do think that the manufacturer has made a grievous error by omitting them from the list.” She tapped a hoof on the table.

“Crystal. Crystal. Crystal. Crystal. Crystal. Crystal...”

Rarity giggled as she watched her sister bounce around the room. “I'll definitely have to send in a complaint.” Rarity tapped the table again. “And I'll be sure to sign it, 'Mrs. Cake'.”

This happy moment was short lived, for the shadows buckled and heaved. The very ground gave way, and a large, gnarled Inkling burst forth. It had a wooden, tree-like appearance. Bright green glowing eyes and a dripping, green glowing mouth opened up. In its limb-like left arm, it held a brown cowpony hat.

“Applejack... failed?” Rarity could hardly believe her eyes.

Its left hand more grew than moved, but the result was the same: black, wooden fingers crushed the hat and tossed it aside. Rarity shuddered. That wasn't just an affront to fashion, it was an affront to her friend. Its right hand was even more frightening. On a single gnarled finger it twirled around a golden crown with a large six-pointed gem as its centerpiece. It fell off and clattered to the shattered tile floor.

“Twilight – too?” Rarity swallowed in fear. Sweetie Belle ran over and hugged her foreleg.

“Rarity, I'm scared,” she said.

Rarity had little comfort to offer. If this... thing... had beaten her two most powerful friends than what hope could she offer? “Look out!” she screamed and flung Sweetie Belle away. She rolled in the opposite direction. The Inkling swung a massive log-like limb and cut a groove in the floor in the floor where they'd been standing.

Rarity got back up, narrowed her eyes and snorted. She lowered her head and pawed a hoof at the ground is if she were about to charge. Well, she might not be able to win, but she would certainly go down fighting.

The Inkling slammed its other arm into the ground and wooden fingers sprouted around Rarity to trap her. She flared her horn and every drawer in the kitchen sprung open. She levitated their contents and flung every knife, every, fork, every cleaver, every sharp thing in the entire room at the Inkling. They all thudded and embedded themselves in the creature's thick bark-like hide. It didn't even flinch. Rarity cringed and glanced around herself. She was trapped.

There was a crash as a glass of gray liquid broke against its head. That it noticed. Sweetie Belle had climbed up on the table and thrown her juice at it. “You leave her alone,” she said.

The Inkling's face sank into its head, and popped out the other side to stare down at Sweetie Belle. “Eep,” she said. She jumped off the table and landed on the counter. Running to get away, she tripped over the sink and skidded to a stop. She looked at the Inkling, who'd raised its massive log-like arm. Unable to get up, she raised a foreleg to block her vision and screamed as it's huge fist bore down on her. “EEEEEE-”

CRUNCH!

“EEEee- huh?” Sweetie Belle opened her eyes. She was suspended in the air by a light blue magical aura just mere eyelashes from the impact. It had hit with such force that it had completely crushed the cabinets and mangled the sink beyond repair. An acrid smell hit Sweetie's nostrils. The waffle iron was within reach.

Once again, the Inkling's face sank into it's head and popped out the other side. Its green eyes shrank to points as it narrowed them and glared at Rarity. Red replaced the shrinking color. Rarity jumped out of the circle of fingers. Her horn glowed with the effort of keeping her sister suspended. Once again, the Inkling slammed its arm into the ground. This time, the fingers erupted much more densely and grew much faster. Rarity bucked at them to break them, but they were as unyielding as a mountain. Her hooves thudded and bounced off.

In that instant she'd touched them she caught a vision tied to the pony who'd spawned this Inkling. It was many years ago, long before Twilight had come to town. Applejack was still a filly. It was the day that she'd gotten the news about her parents. Rarity remembered that day too, but to feel it from Applejack's perspective was truly devastating. “I'm sorry, Applejack,” Rarity said. “I'm sorry.”

The Inkling raised its arm to end her.

“No!” She screamed. There had to be something she could still do. Anything. Her horn flared from the effort.

There was a sickening crunch as Sweetie Belle caught the Inkling's head in her waffle iron. Boiling vinegar ran down its hide. It screamed as only a creature of darkness could. It had no real voice, but the shadows reverberated and quivered with its cries. Of all the knives, forks, and other dangerous objects that Rarity had embedded in its hide, Sweetie Belle reached for the dull, rusty spoon.

It was horrifying to watch, but Rarity couldn't bring herself to look away. The way Sweetie Belle twisted that spoon showed a lack of finesse that most ponies would strive hard to avoid. The Inkling writhed and twisted, but not even the ultimate incarnation of the forces of nightmare was a match for Sweetie Belle's cooking. It died a horrible, culinary death.

In its death throes, it began to crumble and fall apart. Rarity kicked through her cage as if it were made of paper. She walked over to Sweetie who was finishing up her latest ~~master~~ disaster-piece.

All that was left of the Inkling Sweetie poured from the waffle iron into a bowl. She stared at the flat, gray liquid with a frown. Something wasn't quite right. Ah! Sweetie walked over the cabinet and pried off the broken door. Inside, she rummaged around until she found what she wanted: a pinch of baking soda. She took that over and mixed it into the gooey glop. It began to blorp and bubble. Perfect. “Toast,” she said.

“Wow, Sweetie, you certainly proved me wrong. And here I used to think that you couldn't cook to save your life,” Rarity said.

“Aww, thanks, Rarity.” Sweetie Belle picked up the bowl of toast and carried it over to place on the table. It took her that long to realize it wasn't really a compliment. “Hey!”

Rarity just chuckled.

Sweetie Belle hopped up on the table again. From there she had a clear view of the destruction. There was a crater in the floor from which the creature had emerged and it looked like a tree had fallen on the counter where she'd just been only moments ago. “Rarity, you saved my life.”

Rarity drooped her ears in submission and walked over to the table to kiss her sister on the cheek. “And you saved mine, too.”

“Eww.” Sweetie Belle wiped off her cheek. “You're right, Rarity. We do make a good team.”

“Right, teamwork.” Rarity was dimly aware of the fact that she'd just hurled her sister at a monster to distract it. But things had worked out in the end. “You know, this wasn't just our victory.” Rarity opened the blinds magically. Cracks opened in the night sky. The sun was breaking through. With the last of the Inquisitors subdued, the darkness lost its grip. Noon dawned on Ponyville. Frightful Blossom had been defeated.

Light (if you want)

Sweetie Belle pointed at the last of the maternity tests. “Ooh, do this one next,” she said.

Rarity glanced at the gender test but shook her head. “Let's not ruin all of the surprises shall we?” she said and picked up the box to put it away.

“Oh come on, I really want to know,” Sweetie Belle wailed. She pounded her hooves on the table.

Rarity sighed to herself softly. “I'm sorry Sweetie, but you'll just have to wait,” she said. It was for the best. It's not like she could produce another bodily fluid sample after that last battle anyway.

“But how will you know what to name the baby?” Sweetie asked.

“I'm thinking Radiant Jewel for a colt or Sparkling Gemstone for a filly.” With the test put away, she turned around and used her magic to pick Twilight's crown. It was a little dusty, but otherwise unscathed. She was tempted to put it on herself, but dropped it on Sweetie's head instead. It was too big for the filly, but her horn kept it in place.

“Rarity, what are you doing?” Sweetie asked. She fidgeted with the crown trying to make it more comfortable.

“I think our friends will want their hats back,” Rarity said. Next, Rarity picked up Applejack's hat. It was crumpled and torn and in some serious need for tender loving care. Rarity took it into her workshop. Sweetie Belle followed her. Thankfully, this room was mostly intact. Only her fall fashion line had suffered serious damage. The cracks in her wall didn't impact the usefulness of the room.

“Are you going to tell your friends now?” Sweetie asked.

Rarity still felt nervous about that. “I'll tell you what, Sweetie. You can be the one who breaks the news,” she said. Rarity got to work on fixing the hat. She had plenty of threads the right color and needed to replace a piece or two with her own stock of material. She avoided using magic for anything other than sewing because Applejack was picky about that sort of thing. When she was done, the hat was as good as new. She put it on her head.

“But if I tell them, they won't believe me,” Sweetie said. She had to straighten the crown which was trying to fall off.

“Not if I'm there to confirm it,” Rarity said. She walked to the open door and paused at the threshold. Outside, ponies were still recovering from the ordeal. When the sun had come out, the remaining Inklings could not survive. The harsh rays of Celestia's sun burned right through them and brought color back to the ponies who'd fallen. They were still stirring and struggling to get back up. It would be a while before things could return to normal.

Down the road, Rarity could see Rainbow Dash with Scootaloo. Their eyes were puffy from all the crying they'd been doing. Further down the road, Applejack and Twilight would be with Apple Bloom at the farm. Rarity looked down at her sister. “Whatever comes of this, we'll be sure to face it together – as family.”

Though her heart was made of stone, the Princess of Sisters shed a single tear.

***

A week later at Sugarcube Corner Mr. Cake carried in a mouthful of mail. He dropped it on the counter to sort through. Mrs. Cake was busy preparing batter for their next set of baked goods.

“Dear, you got another letter from those PaternaTest folks,” Mr. Cake said.

“Oh, it's probably just another request for me to stop sending them so much mail,” she said.

“This one looks a bit different,” he said.

“Can you read it to me? I'm a bit busy here.” Mrs. Cake started pouring the batter into a cupcake tray.

“Dear Mrs. Cake,

We are sorry that our product has failed your needs once again. We do congratulate you on your recent pregnancy with a, uh, crystal pony. (Seriously lady, do you have a freaking zoo in your uterus?) We will be sure to revise our documentation to ensure that all varieties of pony conceivable will be covered – be they unicorn, pegasus, Earth, crystal, bat, sea, or natural alicorn. We wish you the best of luck with your ever expanding family.

Truly sorry,
The PaternaTest folks.”

Mr. Cake's eyes shrank down to tiny points and darted around wildly. “What? Honey, you're pregnant again already? When were you going to tell me? And with a crystal pony?” Mr. Cake shuddered. “Well, my great great aunt on my fathers side had a great great grandmother who, er, great great great great great...” Mr. Cake curled up into a ball and sucked on his hoof. Not even his freaky knowledge of lineage could take him back the forty generations he'd need to even find a relative who'd met a crystal pony.

Mrs. Cake seethed with rage. She'd poured all of her batter into the same spot and made a mess. After all the trouble she'd gone through with those folks the first time, they had to go and pull a prank like this? She'd be sure to send them a very nasty letter each and every day and she'd never stop.

Author's Note

Sweetie Belle hopped out of the chair and pushed up Rarity's tail.

Don't worry. She didn't actually know what to look for. She just copied what Cadance had done.

CRUNCH!

If I were a bad pony, I'd have ended the chapter here.