Johnny Spurs and A-hole Cat

by Daemon McRae

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Other, Original Character, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 14502

Meet Johnny Spurs. He's an odd-jobs type living out of Appleoosa. He lives with his pet/partner-at-work Asshole Cat. Yes, that's his name. And this is the crap they get up to.

Johnny Spurs just wants to have a normal life where people pay him to do stuff and he gets to eat sleep and drink without worry. Asshole Cat just wants to be fed and left alone. They make a decent enough pair.

Then, some brilliant individual decides it'd be a great idea to send these two lunatics out into the wide wide world of Equestria to search for treasure. Or something.

Neither of them was really paying attention.

Published 2013-09-20 01:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-11 03:20:30 UTC

...and Asshole Cat

The sun had just started to rise over Appleoosa. A bright, intimidating figure over the mountains, as the land it shone over was dusty, hot, and known for being rather unfriendly to those who enjoyed such commodities as cold water and humidity.

The sunlight fell over the land in a wave, as it always does. Across the mountains for a few moments, which held it back and provided shade for a large portion of the land. But like every morning, eventually the sun had risen high enough that its rays passed even their persistent peaks. It continued to shine, over the orchards, the deserts, and the towns. The light touched the buffalo's homes and the blacksmith's forge. Soon it could be seen from all over.

But there was one particular spot in which it shone whose reception was less than bright...

Through the window it shined. Creeping over the sill, across the floor, and made it's way up to the bed. Slowly, uneventfully, and predictably, until it reached its eventual mark: Johnny's half-opened, half-asleep eye.

"FRRRRRG, dammit! That's bright!" he cried, throwing his hooves over his eyes and turning violently away from the sun's rays. Violently... and right over the side of the bed. WHUMP. "...ow. Every morning. Today. TODAY IS THE DAY I turn the bed AWAY FROM THE WINDOW."

A snide, holier-than-thou voice chimed from underneath the bed, mere inches from Johnny's face. "Right, and today's also the day you quit smoking, get laid, move out, and become famous. Just like every other day. Oh, WAIT..."

"Shut it, Asshole," Spurs moaned, pulling himself up from his unceremonious crash landing, taking the time to crack nearly every joint in his body.

"Oh, Johnny, you wound me to the quick!" Asshole Cat feigned distress as he cried out, crawling out and stretching languidly across the floor. He took no time in leaping up to the bedpost to be nose-to-nose with his "owner". "If that's wasn't my 'name' I'd be horribly offended! So what's it gonna be today, boss?" he asked nonchalantly, licking his tan fur. "Diamond dogs? Sandcats? Or maybe you just wanna ruff up a townie or two for some loose change?"

The dark green stallion kicked open the fridge, scrounging for what little food they had before next paycheck. "Anything to keep his Holiness fed, am I right?"

And then the knocking came...

The horse and cat traded glances, the cat giving Spurs a knowing smile while the latter moved with little enthusiasm to open the door. Little enough, in fact, for the newcomer to knock twice more. "Right, RIGHT. I'm coming." He swung open the door and gave whoever was on the other side of it a dry look. "Can I help you?"

The young mare who'd been knocking gave no time in delivering what could almost have been a practiced speech: "Oh, you've got to help me! Your flyer says you take on ANY kind of work, right? Well, you've GOT to do something about my coltfriend! He won't leave me alone! I keep telling him it's over, but he just gets so mad! And he keeps following me around and-"

"Ma'am," Johnny interrupted, putting a hoof to her mouth. Which got her to pause long enough for him to get a good look at her. Pink mane and tail. Yellow coat. Some random apple based dessert for a cutie mark. One of the orchard's family, no doubt. "I don't care what your reasons are. Just point me at the guy and get out of the way."

He dropped his hoof, and she went on another excitable ramble, this time about how happy she was he'd decided to "help" her. He let her get about a sentence and a half out before he interrupted again. "PARDON me, miss," he raised his voice to get her attention, "but it would do me an awful lot of good if you could let me know what the guy looks like. I've started a few fights with what ended up being the wrong stallion. I don't make that mistake anymore."

Behind him, he could almost feel Asshole dropping air quotes as he said "anymore". "Yes, Johnny, you've certainly gotten over your habit of beating up people that AREN'T the bad guys."

"I said quiet, you. This pays for dinner, if you care to remember. Now come on," he barked, nodding at the cat to get it in gear, while the mare produced a picture of the offending ex.

"He likes to spend a lot of time near the pass beating up stray Sandcats and bringing them back. Keeps telling stories at the saloon about how he took on a whole pack of the things, the liar. He'd be one of those two places about an hour from now. Please hurry! I don't want to deal with him another day!"

The cat and horse traded glances again, one that said "Oh, look, THIS shit again," and headed off.

The picture she'd given him was of a rather broad, tan and brown cookie-cutter of a stallion, looking like a dozen others that worked either the orchard or the mines. The only really defining features were the claw marks on his neck and his Cutie Mark: a shovel and mining helmet. "Not hard to figure out where he works," Spurs grumbled, shoving the picture into the ratty coat he'd grabbed on his way out.

"Of course," Cat mewled. "He must be a genius at digging up apple trees."

Johnny had to snicker a bit. Asshole could be funny. When he wasn't talking about you. It didn't take long for the pair to reach town, their little slice of heaven only half a mile removed. Nothing like true isolation to make a pony feel like part of the community.

"Ok, do we want to hit the saloon first and hope he's drunk? Or hit the pass and hope he's already fought one of the damn things?" the horse asked, looking left and right, respectively, once they'd reached a junction.

"I say we hit the pass," Cat recommended. "Less likely you'll be drunk when you get to him." He curled into a ball on Johnny's back, quickly losing interest in all the walking.

Johnny didn't acknowledge the statement, but he knew the cat was right. The last thing he needed this early was an excuse to drink. So he veered for the pass and hoped the guy was an early bird.

After yet more uneventful walking, he came across one of the only ponies brave enough to build their houses anywhere near the pass itself: Shotgun Gallop, possibly the craziest pony in Appleoosa. Either that or braver'n'a barrel of pissed off weasels.

"Hey, Johnny," she crowed from her porch, her signature tool cradled in her hooves. She tilted forward in her rocking chair a bit. "Gonna go beat up more Sandcats for me?"

"Nah, gonna go beat up the guy who beats up Sandcats. But if I see any extras I'll give 'em a one-two for ya," he called across her fence, then trucked on. He heard her snicker behind him, and grinned a little. Sometimes having friends crazier than you made getting out of bed more fun.

Yet some more uneventful walking, and they got where they were going. Well, Johnny got where HE was going. Asshole just snored. Spurs looked out over the fence that blocked off Sandblaster Pass, one of a few rather dangerous areas around the small town. For two reasons, mainly. Rockfalls and Sandcats.

Now, there is a very good reason why most ponyfolk stay away from Sandcats in general. MOST ponyfolk. Not because they're big, ugly, and have lots of claws and teeth (which they are, and do). Not because they're mean, intolerable, and make for poor company (on account of trying to rip your ribs out and clean their teeth with them. Which they do.)

Sandcats are disliked for the very reason they're called SANDcats. You can't tell the damn things apart from the ground they walk on till they open their big, toothy mouths at you. Which they usually reserve for the moment right before they bite your face off.

So coming across a pony who not only is currently jumping up and down on a Sandcat, but has a few more unconscious, possibly dead ones set aside, is unlikely. And also rather terrifying.

Johnny sneezed, and walked up to the stallion trampolining the feline's lungs.

Of course, Johnny made note of a few things, first. Even HE wasn't that thick. Namely a few small pebbles tumbling down one of the pass's rock wall. And how all the Sandcats were laid out. And the big oaf himself. He noticed quite a bit about the lug before ol' stompin-boots saw him.

"Yeah, whatcha want?" the tan stallion said.

Before Spurs could respond, Asshole woke up. Yawning and stretching like any typical cat, he then took a moment to look around. Then he spotted Big McLargehuge. "Oh, sweet Celestia, THAT'S the guy?"

Spurs nodded. "Scuse' me, mister. But your marefriend sent us here to talk to you. She says she really doesn't want to go out with you anymore," he shouted, having left some distance between himself and his 'target'.

A distance Biggy decided to close off a bit. Johnny raised an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah, what'd she say? Cause it's all lies, and that little foal ain't goin' nowhere. She's stayin' with me, y'hear?"

Johnny shook his head and grinned. "Now, see, I normally don't like to brag, but this is the part where I tell you that I'm smarter'n' you."

"WHAT'D YOU SAY?" yelled the as-of-yet-unnamed stallion. "Nopony talks to Iron Mines like that!"

Asshole cat tugged on his "owner's" ear. "Yeah, boss, you might want to give him this one," he cautiously advised.

Spurs just glanced over his shoulder, and twitched his ear a few times. Cat raised his own eyebrow, and saw what he thought was a shadow of a smirk. A look he knew really well.

Johnny turned his attention back to Mines. "Actually, biggy, I do. See, that's kind of what I'm good at: talkin'. REAL good at it, actually. Like, I could talk about how a pretty little thing like that doesn't need to be spendin' time with a big lousy fatboy like you. Or how I smelled you 'for I saw you. Or how you turn a LOVELY shade of crimson when you're mad," he added, as Iron advanced on him, beyond pissed off.

"Why you little-" he started, taking a few more steps.

The steps Spurs had been waiting for. "OR. Why I REALLY wouldn't stand there if I was you," he finished, grinning nice and wide.

Iron gave him a nice and confused look, just as Johnny bucked the rock wall of the pass with everything he had. Mines stayed confused for a second, before he heard a noise. THE noise, actually. Of rocks falling. He glanced up just in time to see a rather large family of boulders descend upon him with a nice rowdy "Imma fall on you now kthnxbai".

Johnny turned his head and shielded his eyes from the mass of dust that stirred up from the rock fall, then admired his handiwork. He trotted up to the pile of rubble. "You still alive?" he called. A loud groan from under a layer of rocks gave him his answer, and he shrugged off and walked back to town.

On the way back Asshole leaned over his shoulder and asked him, "Ok, how'd you do all that? Curious minds are DYING to know."

Johnny grinned. "Same way he did. I had a suspicion when I looked at the picture. Those claw marks? They're not from a Sandcat. Wrong number of marks, and they're too far apart. He got those with a rake." He stopped as he hit the barrier between town and the pass, waving down a nearby Sheriff's deputy.

The Deputy gave a sigh and trotted over. "What'd you do this time, Spurs?"

"Just my job. There's a guy buried under a bunch of boulders a ways in, but he'll be fine. If'n somepony digs him out. Bunch'a Sandcats, too. Thought you oughta know," Johnny grunted as he leaped over the fence.

The Deputy gave him a look. "Let me guess. Freak rock slide. And you just HAPPENED to find him."

"Just doing my civic duty," Spurs added over his shoulder as he trotted off. Once they were far enough away, as Johnny gave a glance back and watched the colt trot lazily down the pass, he continued, "Figured out the rest when we got there. The dude doesn't actually fight Sandcats. He's just a good climber. He gets himself up on the rock walls, then gets the attention of a bunch of cats, and when they get close enough, he drops boulders on them. Then he jumps up and down on them to make it look like HE'D squished 'em."

Cat whistled. "How'd you put that together?" he asked, hoping down off of the stallion's back. They'd just got home.

Johnny hung his jacket up again. "Little things. Like I noticed some small pebbles falling down, and saw a bunch of rocks pushed up to the edge of the wall. Usually they're much farther up. Be kinda hard for them to get there on their own."

"Fair enough," the Cat noted, leaping onto the bed. "But that can't be all of it, come on."

Spurs cracked the fridge open again, pulling out the last lonely Hard Cider. "The rest was all him. He wasn't sweating anywhere near hard enough. He didn't have any kind of blood or heavy dirt on him. Which, even if you're a ruddy genius at fighting Sandcats, you're gonna get filthy and bloody. Yours OR theirs. He didn't have a scratch. No one's that good unless it's Gallop, and that's just because she shoots the bastards."

"I hear my name?" a soft southern twang rang from the doorway. Johnny turned his head mid-swallow of cider to see Shotgun let herself in. "You go off on a job and don't bother to let me know you're ok? What kind of friend are you?"

Cat just chuckled from his spot on the bed.

Johnny nodded at her. "Come on in. I'd offer you some cider, but this is the last of it," he grinned, downing the rest in one big swig.

Gallop didn't waste any time. Trotting right up to him, she grabbed his face while he still had a mouthful of cider, planted her lips on his, and drank straight from his mouth. "Don't mind if I do," she said, pulling away and swallowing.

Johnny nearly choked. "Con-SARNIT, girl! Don't do that!"

"Then make sure you have enough left for the lady next time." She sported a mile-wide grin as she took a seat at the row of two-by-fours on stools they called a table.

Johnny took a moment to shake her off, -IT off, shake IT off, then sat down with her. "So what's brings you to our humble abode?" he asked, almost hesitantly. It WAS Shotgun Gallop, after all.

She grinned, then leaned close. "Well, I got a proposition for ya," she whispered.

Author's Note

This is a story I wrote forever ago and decided to drop here to see if there was enough interest to continue it.

...and Shotgun Gallop

"A proposition?" Spurs repeated. "Gallop, you should know there ARE some things I don't do for money..."

Asshole snickered appreciatively while Shotgun gave him a look. "Fine, if you don't want to make a few hundred bits, I'm ok with that."

Johnny dropped the bottle he was holding and Cat did a neat slide/fall motion off the bed and onto the floor. Spurs blinked a few times. "Did... did you say a few hundred?"

Gallop gave him a wry smile and turned to leave. "Oh, but I thought you didn't WANT the job. That's ok, I know a few ponies more than happy to take it-"

Johnny and Asshole zipped in front of her, standing between her and the door. "Now, now, Miss Gallop, there's no reason to be hasty," Cat interjected. "I'm sure we can sit down like rational quadrupeds and hash out a deal."

Johnny had that look in his eyes that poor folk get when people talk about giving them money. "What he said."

Fish in a barrel, Gallop thought, turning around and making herself at home on top of the covers. "Well, the job's relatively simple. All we gotta do is find this mine called El Coriado. Heard of it?" She asked casually, stretching out on the bed.

Johnny blinked and traded a sideways glance with his cat, then looked back to Gallop. Walking up to the side of the bed, he asked cautiously, "El Coriado? You mean the lost gold mine?"

"Mmm-hmm," she hummed and nodded.

Cat leaped onto her back. "The one that ponies go looking for and never come back?"

She glanced behind her and winked at Cat. "Yup."

Johnny sat on his hind legs and raised an eyebrow in concern. "You mean the mine that's supposed to be made of everliving, ever-growing gold that never runs out? And tries to kill anyone who enters?"

Gallop waved the last statement off with a careless hoof. "I'm not sayin' we have to go in, just find it. I know a colt who's lookin' to pay quite a bit of money to just know where it is or sumthin'. We just have to get close enough to confirm that it's the real El Coriado and then go home."

"Through miles and miles of desert," Johnny added.

"With Sandcats and bandits and lots of really not good for your health things between here and there? And BACK?" Asshole emphasized.

Gallop glanced between the two. "Awww," she cooed. "Are my two knights in shining armor afraid of a little dirt and sun?"

Spurs scoffed at her. "Shotgun, if I was that easily bothered I wouldn't walk past your house. But there is no way in HELL I'm going to walk dozens or maybe even a couple hundred miles through that desert for a payout that I only get if we find some stupid mythological gold mine and make it back ALIVE."

Shotgun glanced at the cat on her back for his opinion, who proceeded to scratch his chin. "Hmmm, nah. I don't go anywhere without my meal ticket, let alone hundreds of miles into the desert alone with a gun-toting psychomare."

Gallop rolled her eyes and huffed. "Geez, you misfire a gun one too many times and people call you crazy. FINE. If you boys won't help me find the mine then will you at least escort me to Crosshair Junction? There's some old archeologist pony who says he's got a bead on the place, and I'm gettin' paid to make sure he gets there and back alive. S'all I was gonna ask you two t' do."

Asshole Cat closed his eyes and shook his head. "Sorry, ma'am," said Cat. "But once we've made a decision as a team we-" his sentence was cut off as Spurs shoved a hoof in his mouth.

"Now hold on a second," Johnny stood up and gave Gallop a thoughtful nod. "We didn't rightly hear our good friend out. You say we're going to be traveling in a team?"

Gallop raised an eyebrow at Johnny's change of heart. "Yeah. Through miles of desert."

"But all we have to do is protect this old guy," he reasoned. He had a look in his eyes that Shotgun couldn't quite place.

"From bandits and Sandcats and dehydration and pony-eating living gold, yes," she responded, slowly.

"And we leave from Crosshair Junction, you said?" Spurs started a slow, steady grin that was making tracks up to his ears.

Gallop gave him a worried look, then glanced up to Asshole, who both ponies now realized was still sitting quietly with Spurs' hoof in his gob. Johnny pulled the hoof out and stood back up on all fours, as the cat and Gallop both gave him stares. Gallop's, something along the lines of, "Did you smoke something while we were talking and I missed it?" Cat's said quite simply, "You're joking."

"You're joking," Cat groaned. "Crosshair Junction? That's the entire reason you want to go?"

Johnny gave a sideways glance to the wall as he answered with no lack of amusement, "What? I simply think it's worth a visit once in awhile. And the job doesn't sound THAT hard..."

"Johnny, the only way this job could sound more difficult would be if it ended with the words 'And you have to be on fire the entire time," Cat deadpanned.

"Pffft," the green stallion disregarded Cat's dry humor. "We could at least go to Crosshair and hear the guy out. I mean, it's not like we have anything better to do here."

Cat opened his mouth to say something, then closed it, then opened it again. "Uhhh..." was all he got out before he ran out of reasons why they couldn't at least visit the city. It looked like they were in it for the long haul. So he shrugged it off like he did everything else mildly inconvenient, and rummaged through a leather sack in the corner: the hiding place of all his worldly possessions. He slung a dark brown leather vest over himself, hooking a claw in the zipper and zipping it up. He finished off his "ensemble" with a tiny bandana and a cat-sized Stetson. "Well, if we're going to be gone for awhile I'm sure as hell not leaving without the hat."

Gallop hid a smile behind her hoof. "Oh, my gawd. He has a tiny cowboy hat," she snickered.

Johnny glanced from the mare to the feline, then took a few steps back and sat back on his haunches. Shotgun was about to give him a look for it when Asshole asked quietly, "Tiny cowboy hat?"

Gallop tried to put on a serious face. "Yes, yes, it looks very... manly on you," she coughed as she said 'manly' trying to stifle her laughter. "I'm sure you look very intimidating and 'cool'."

Asshole Cat twitched slightly as she spoke. Then, ever so slowly, walked up to the bed, propped himself up on his forepaws so that he was inches from the red mare's face, and hissed, "Soon." He then turned himself around and walked out the door.

Johnny stared after him with a bemused expression before grabbing a set of saddlebags pre-packed with supplies out from under the bed. Trotting to the door and out of the house, he called behind him, "I suggest not eating anything you didn't prepare yourself for the next couple of days."

Shotgun sat, blinking heavily, staring at the door for a few moments after they left. Shaking her head, she trotted after them. "And this is why you try to make friends who AREN'T as batshit as you," she told herself.

On the way to the train station, they came across a small crowd in the middle of the street, staring up at a familiar tan pony on a raised platform. "...and then this coward kicked down a bunch of rocks off a cliff and buried me! And THEN he left me there under the rubble!"

Cat, having hopped on to Spur's back out of laziness, chuckled into the pony's black mane. The pony himself just shook his head and sighed. "Y'know, I think they call it soap boxing because you stand on a soapbox while you're being an asshole," Johnny muttered under his breath. The cat just laughed harder, trying to bury the sound in Johnny's neck.

Gallop, not having heard or seen any of this, turned to wave them along. "Come on, you two! The train leaves soon!" A statement which, apparently, made just enough noise for the crowd (and it's crier) to pay attention.

"Hey, yeah, that's him!" Iron Mines shouted, pointing at Johnny and Asshole. "That's the guy that left me in the pass!" The crowd turned to follow Iron's gesture, and saw who he was pointing at. The reactions were mixed, but all could easily be summed up in the words, "Oh, it's Johnny". The exact inflection of which varied from pony to pony, at which point it was really just up to interpretation.

None of these varieties, however, could be said to be of the excitable and "pleased to see you" persuasion. In fact, the first question that made itself heard above all the muttering that ensued was, "And who paid you to do this one, Johnny?"

Johnny glanced at the crowd, and then at Mines. He snorted in laughter, and answered quite simply, "His marefriend."

The ensuing silence was impressive, even in the desert. "...what?" came the same voice, one Johnny now recognized as the Sheriff. The old colt stepped forward. "His marefriend told you to bury him?"

"Well, I believe her exact word were 'You've GOT to do something about my coltfriend!' and 'I don't want to deal with him another day!'" he explained. Then a thought occurred to him. "And you know what? She STILL didn't pay us!"

The Sheriff glanced from Iron to Johnny, and dropped his head in exasperation. "Look, Johnny. I appreciate what you do here. At least, most of it. But there has to be a limit to what you can and can't do to get a job done. Just because you take work nopony else is willing to do doesn't mean that you can do it however you want."

Johnny gave him a blank look. "Sheriff, you and I both know that Ol' Ironhides here is more pony than I usually care to handle. And he doesn't exactly seem like the type to just sit down and talk things out. So I did what I could. Mind you, there are probably more subtle ways to tell a pony to back off then dropping rocks on his head-"

The sheriff held up a hoof. "Which is exactly what I'm trying to tell you. Look, Spurs, I can't really say you're a loose cannon, cause you just keep to yourself and do whatever it is you do to get by, but I can't have you just barrellin' into a job like that without at least thinking about the afters."

Johnny opened his mouth to retort, but sheriff kept talking. "Look, I know you want out of this town. And there's a few ponies here, I know, who wouldn't argue you leaving. But while you're here you've got to learn to play like the rest of them."

Cat tugged on Johnny's ear, pointing at a now rather impatient Shotgun Gallop. Johnny sighed. "Ok, sheriff, you got a point. Look, I'm taking a job out of town for awhile, might be what I need to move on permanently. You think you can let this slide, while I get out of your mane and let it blow over?"

Sheriff glanced over his shoulder at Gallop, who was tapping her hoof like the mine was already beneath her. He shook his head. "I'll see what I can do, but you might want to be prepared for somethin' or other when you get back."

"Right," Johnny finished, and trotted off.

Behind him, the crowd turned back to Iron Mines. "So what's this about your mare having to hire Johnny Spurs of all ponies to make you go away?" The sheriff questioned with a slight hint of disapproval.

Having not quite made his way out of earshot, Johnny cringed. He really needed to move somewhere they didn't know him.

They made their way across town, and onto the train, where Johnny and Asshole curled up into a booth and onto a table, respectively, laid out on their backs, and draped their hats over their eyes. It wasn't mere seconds till they fell asleep.

Gallop, who had just finished handing the conductor the tickets, gave them both a look. "I swear to Celestia it's just one pony in two bodies," she grumbled, then curling into a ball in the opposite booth. She, too, fell asleep rather quickly.

(-)

Several seats down from where the two newcomers and their cat had taken to sleeping, two mares were happily engaged in conversation. "Thanks so much for coming, I hope it wasn't an inconvenience for you," the unicorn said happily.

Her friend, an earth pony, shrugged in nonchalance and leaned back in her seat. "S'no big deal, sugar. It's been awhile since I've been out this way, and with the harvest over there isn't a great deal to do. Plus I'm not the biggest fan of cold weather, so I thought a trip out west ought to do me some good."

The unicorn raised an eyebrow. "But won't that make the cold that much worse when you get back."

"Look, we are going to Crosshair Junction, and then into the Saddlehara Desert. If I don't miss the cold by the time I get back something's wrong," she grinned as she spoke, and stared past her friend's shoulder into the rest of the car. "Not a whole lot of ponies on this train, huh?"

"I wouldn't think so," the unicorn said, pulling out a long strip of parchment. "The only major events taking place this time of year are either in Canterlot, or the search-and-excavation project I was asked to assist with. I'm glad I could take you with me, though. It sounds like it's going to be a lot of work."

"Ah, I'm good with heavy liftin'. Been workin' hard for weeks, ain't no reason to stop now," the Earth Pony reasoned, flexing a muscle.

"You're the best, Applejack. I hope we really do find what we're looking for."

"So do I, Twilight. So do I."

...and Twilight Sparkle

The train rumbled through the desert at typical speeds, its passengers either eagerly awaiting their destination, reminiscing about what they'd left behind, or, in the case of our "heroes"...

"Sleeping. Amazing. How can they sleep through all of this?" Twilight asked, waving a hoof at the window, gesturing to the beautiful landscape of bright red sands and cliffs as they passed. They were currently making their way through Blushing Plains, a section of desert well-known and renowned for it's remarkably red sand, which was said to change shades based on how high the sun was in the sky.

Applejack glanced backwards over her shoulder at the two sleeping ponies and their cat. "Some ponies take this train often, sugarcube. It's no surprise they might have seen this all before. Now come on, tell me more about this excavatin' thing we're doin'."

Twilight looked back and forth between the snoozing trio and her friend, before drooping her shoulders a little. "Alright. Well, as you know, we're on our way to where Professor Bitton thinks he may have stumbled across the legendary gold mine, El Coriado."

A few booths away, an ear twitched.

"El Coriado?" Applejack asked. Another twitch. "That's that mine that's supposed to be lost forever, isn't it?"

"That's why this is so exciting!" Twilight responded, all of her glee over their adventure overwhelming her disappointment that anypony could sleep through it, even the trip there. "The train itself is taking us to Crosshair Junction, but you know that already. We're going to be there for a day or so, so the professor can put together the rest of his team." Another twitch, this time from a different ear.

"How many folk you think he's going to need for this job?" Applejack tilted her head as she asked, more than a little curious and slightly confused.

Twilight raised a hoof to her chin in thought. "Well, I know he's bringing in a couple of 'hired gums' or something like that for the trip there from Crosshair..." she answered thoughtfully.

Applejack laughed a little. "Uh, sugar? I think you mean 'hired guns'..." As of the word 'guns', all of three ears were a twitchin', and glances exchanged. "It means he's bringin' in some rough'n'tumble types to keep us safe while we do what we're doin'."

Twilight nodded. "Oh, ok! That makes much more sense. I don't know if they're going to accompany us into the mine, but it would be nice. That place is rumored to be very unfriendly to outsiders."

"Which is why we're balls crazy to even be on the train," Johnny muttered to Asshole. The cat snickered.

Shotgun hissed at them to be quiet, and went back to "sleep".

"Well, if it's as dangerous as you say, Twi, I'm sure they'll be happy to help," Applejack reasoned with a grin.

Spurs and Cat traded glances, and snickered to themselves.

"Yes, so do..." Twilight trailed off, staring over AJ's shoulder. "Oh, good, you're awake."

"Oh, no, she's spotted us, Batmare!" Asshole feigned distress in a whisper. "Whatever shall we do?"

"Quick, Cloppin," Johnny responded in the same hush tone, "Deploy the bucks!"

"But, Batmare, I don't have any left to give!" whispered Cat, as they all but laughed themselves out of the booth and off the table.

Shotgun glared daggers at them, climbing out of her booth to greet the two strangers. "Ah'm sorry about those two, they're a little... stupid. Pleased to meet ya', I'm Shotgun Gallop!" she added cheerfully, holding out a hoof.

Twilight shook it happily. "Nice to meet you! I'm Twilight Sparkle. I guess you must be the 'hired guns'," she joked, giving a cheesy wink.

'Oh, dear god, she's one of those,' Gallop thought to herself. "Uh... yes, ma'am. And who's your friend, there?"

Applejack, who up to this point hadn't moved to greet Shotgun, slid out of the booth, onto her hooves, and gave the newcomer a glance from under her wide-brimmed hat. "Hello, Gallop."

Gallop paused for a second in recognition, then lowered her head slightly to glare at AJ. "Well, if'n it isn't Applejack..."

Twilight stepped to the side, reading the tension, bumping into the side of another booth. One Johnny and Asshole had moved to to get a closer look. "Oh, this is gonna be so good." The pitch in Johnny's voice rose as he spoke, his excitement poorly veiled.

Asshole hopped onto his "owner's" head. "It usually is," Cat chuckled.

The two mares glared at each other for all of half a second before running straight-on into one another... in a great big hug.

"Jackie!" Gallop cried, throwing her hooves around the orange pony's neck.

"Gunny!" Applejack shouted, returning the gesture.

"Awww, yeah!" Johnny whooped, as they hugged. "I love it when AJ visits! Gallop, why didn't you tell me she was part o' this ordeal?"

Gallop released her grip and looked back to her partners. "I didn't know!" She looked back to Applejack. "How've you been, cider? Last any of us saw you was after them Flim-Flam brothers rolled by."

Twilight looked thoroughly confused. "Whoa!" she cried, waving her hooves. "Slow down! How do you know these ponies?" she asked, her tone slightly exasperated.

Asshole coughed.

"...and cat?" she added. Cat nodded his approval.

Applejack smiled as the group crowded into one booth to talk, Johnny and Gallop on one side, AJ and Twilight the other. Asshole just stretched out on the table. "Well, Twi, you remember my cousin Braeburn?"

Twilight's eye twitched. "..a bit."

That got a chuckle from the other three. Johnny had to hide his laughter behind his hoof. "Yeah, he's a bit... what's the word I'm looking for?"

"Rooty-tooty fresh and fruity?" Asshole offered. Spurs just laughed harder, while Gallop tried to not choke on air.

Applejack gave them all looks. "Hey, he's not that bad," she grumbled, then went back to talking to Twilight. "Well, these three crazy hombre's all live in Appleoosa, same as him. This here's Shotgun Gallop, who you've met." She gestured at the red-coated mare, who nodded. "She specializes in things that go boom."

"Pleased t' meet'cha," Gallop gave the unicorn a wide smile and a wink.

Twilight smiled and nodded in response, as AJ gestured to the boys. "And this here is Johnny Spurs and Asshole Cat, Appleoosa's very own problem solvers extraordinaire." The two tipped their hats to Twilight, Johnny extending a hoof.

"It's good to meet you. Applejack's dropped a couple of names before when she's visited, so I think I have the distinct advantage of knowing a little bit about you beforehoof," he explained.

Twilight shook his hoof. "It's nice to meet you. But I have to ask, 'Problem Solvers?' What exactly is it you guys do?"

Asshole grinned. "Whatever needs doin'. Johnny and I are your everyman team when it comes to sorting out problems. We take odd jobs nopony else wants. Some of them even WE don't want, actually," he mused, tapping his chin with a paw.

Twilight milled this over. "So is that why you guys decided to take the job guarding us on the way to the site?"

Johnny let loose a sigh. "Honestly, at this point I don't know what I'm doing. I'm just going where I'm told and doing whatever's needed. Right now it's just good timing to get out of town for awhile."

Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Alright, spill it. What'd you do this time?"

Johnny cringed with a smile, but before he could respond, Cat volunteered, "Dropped a rock slide on somepony's abusive coltfriend. Sheriff suggested we might want to take some time away from town to let things settle this time. We're not exactly excited about gettin' back, either."

Johnny rolled his eyes. "Way to be elegant, Asshole."

Twilight was about to protest his language when she remembered the cat's name. At which point she turned her attention to the snide feline. "Doesn't that bother you?"

The cat stared sideways at her. "What?"

"Your name? Everypony calling you... well... Asshole?" she said quietly, trying to be polite.

Gallop and Johnny exchanged glances, then snickers. Cat just grinned at her. "Sweetheart, I chose the name for myself. Cause that's what I am. I'm an asshole."

"O-diodio-diodio," Spurs muttered. Cat chuckled.

"I'm rude, crude, and usually nude, and I like it that way. And Johnny here's the only pony I know that can take all of it all the time," he explained, jerking his head back to gesture at his partner. "We live our lives the way we want, so feel free to say whatever you like. You'd have to get up earlier then dirt to rustle us."

Twilight's eyes widened slightly at his callous behavior, but she brushed it aside. For now. Especially since the train had reached the station. "Fillies and gentlecolts, we have arrived at our destination," said a pleasant southern belle-ish voice from over the intercom.

The group gathered up their things and hopped off the train, onto the platform. "Well, here we are, Crosshair Junc...tion..." said Applejack, realization slowly donning on her. She turned on her heel to say something, but too late.

Johnny had already started on ahead of them, Asshole with him. Gallop glanced at the other girls and sighed. "I knew it. I knew he was going to ditch us soon as we got here. Come on, girls, I know where to find them."

Twilight looked back and forth between Applejack and Shotgun. "Um, what's going on?"

The other two traded glances, until Gallop rolled her eyes. "Johnny and Asshole have a multitude of talents. Not really their special talent, per say. But they've picked up a lot of little tricks along the way. And Crosshair Junction is a playground for them, since a couple of those tricks include cards and pool-sharking."

Applejack rested a hoof on the shoulders of a very bewildered Twilight Sparkle. "Look, sugar. Crosshair Junction is known for three things: casinos, pretty mares, and a bar every other block. They could turn tricks here every day for a month and still find a pony they hadn't swindled yet."

"But... we should stop them, right? I mean, that's like stealing!" Sparkle protested.

Gallop just shook it off and walked on. "Oh, we will. But don't think they're going to raise a whole bunch of suspicion. There's pool sharks and card sharks and long cons every twenty paces here. It's the only reason Johnny agreed to go in the first place. They're both dirt poor, darling. And they hate it. So any chance they get to scrounge up more cash is heaven to 'em. Johnny especially."

"Why's that?" Twilight inquired, as she and AJ trotted to keep up with Shotgun.

The other two mares gave each other weary looks. "That's another story for another time," Gallop explained. "For now, let's just find the boys and get where we're s'posed to be going."

It didn't take anywhere near as long as Twilight though to track them down... they'd hit the first bar they found. The one right outside the train station. From a swindler's standpoint, it was perfect: full of ponies just getting ready to leave or just getting here, most of whom either didn't know what they were in for, or wouldn't be around long enough to do anything about it if they figured out what was going on at all.

As Gallop and the girls trotted through the front doors -quickly met with a rousing chorus of wolf-whistles and jeers, mind you- they spotted the boys setting up shop at a pool table in the back.

Johnny and Cat had taken to talking to two rather well-built stallions, chattering back and forth and sharing some hard-cider. "Come on, guys. You've got time. How about a round?" Spurs nudged one with his elbow, giving him a friendly, slightly tipsy wink-and-smile. The two big guys chuckled to each other and nodded.

The nudge-ie, a black stallion with a pocket watch for a Cutie Mark, nodded agreeably. "You know what? Sure. I got time for a game. But how about we make it more... interesting?"

Cat and Johnny traded wide-eyed glances. "Interesting?" Johnny asked apprehensively. "What do you mean?"

The other stallion, dark blue with a scroll and pen for his Mark, chuckled and pulled out a bag of bits. "How about... twenty bits each? Winner-take-all kind of thing."

Spurs and Cat looked back and forth between each other and the big guys. Cat nodded slightly. "Uh, sure, I guess," he answered slowly.

Johnny rustled around in his coat for his bag of money. Cash that Gallop didn't know he had, having just spoken to him about his status of "flat-broke" earlier that day. He dropped the bag sloppily on the table. "Is this enough?" he asked hesitantly.

The black colt nodded. "Yeah, sure," he jeered, pulling out a pool cue.

It was over in minutes. Johnny tucked away his new-found winnings into his coat as the big guys glanced at each other, not sure what had just happened. Asshole hopped onto Johnny's back, and grinned. "Window or aisle, boys? The train leaves in a few minutes."

The stallions were about to say something when they took a look at the clock and realized the cat was right- they had to go! As they trotted out of the bar and up to the station, the girls caught up with Spurs and Cat. Applejack shook her head disapprovingly. "Don't you boys ever get sick of scrounging off of thickheads like that?"

Johnny and Cat gave each other meaningful looks. "Nah," they chorused, and trotted out of the bar.

Twilight, still not sure what all had happened, dropped her head in dismay. "This is going to be a very long journey..."

...and Derpy Hooves

Chapter 4: ...and Applejack

It took Johnny and Asshole no more than a few seconds to find their next target, once the girls had dragged them out of the bar. Well, less ‘dragged’, more ‘followed as the crowd yelled at them for being total poolsharking d-bags’. “Oh, look,” Spurs said quietly, nodding over his shoulder to Cat. “A noble.”

Cat grinned from ear to ear. “Oh, I do love me a noble. Can I, please, please, can I?” he begged Spurs, tugging on his ear.

Gallop gave them both a rather cross look, while AJ and Twilight just stared absently, not a clue what was happening. “Boys, don’t you dare. Not in the middle of a crowd. You’ve got some spare cash, and we’re headed to a mountain full ‘a livin’ gold. Cool yer heels for a moment, would you?”

Twilight looked back and forth between the dynamic duo and the gun-toting mare. It was then she got an opportunity to really give them a once-over. The mare, Shotgun Gallop, she called herself, was a decent-to-look-at little thing with a red coat and a dirty brown mane. She had a couple of shotgun shells as a Cutie Mark, leaving absolutely no room for interpretation as to what it was she was best at. Her hooves, legs, and parts of her chest were covered in light burn marks, where she was missing small clumps of fur, or it had grown in a darker shade. She looked kind of like a tabby cat with a smoking problem.

Johnny and Asshole, however, looked like they were born of the same litter. Both light brown, Johnny sporting a black mane while Asshole had a matching patch of black over his left eye, both wearing bandanas and Stetsons. Were they the same race, the only thing you could do to tell them apart was remember that Asshole was wearing a vest. Twilight’s eyes landed briefly on Johnny’s Mark, a penknife with a variety of attachments. With light scarring across parts of his body, most of it being cuts and scrapes that just didn’t heal properly, Twilight got the impression he really was the kind of pony you hired when nopony else wanted to.

Gallop finally talked Spurs and Asshole down from whatever swindle or trick they were planning, and steered them in the direction they were supposed to be going: The Bedrock Hotel. The two boys looked rather put off, being denied their mark, but grumbled less and less the closer they all got to their location.

Applejack took to chatting up Gallop while they walked. “So, sugarcube, what’s life like in the middle of nowhere?”

“Not bad, not bad. Buffalo are good neighbors. I got a couple o’ drinkin’ buddies in the tribes,” Shotgun explained. Johnny shuddered, and she laughed. “These two boys ain’t a big fan of Buffalo brews.”

“It tastes like sandblasted ass,” Cat growled, not looking back. Johnny nodded his agreement.

“Well, maybe if you drank sumthin other’n whiskey you’d be able to appreciate it,” Shotgun sneered.

“The only thing I appreciate about Buffalo gutrot is how funny you are when you’re sauced,” Johnny retorted.

Twilight looked nervously about, not having much in the way of experience with alcohol, and thus nothing to contribute to the current conversation. So she fell back on what she knew best: what she learned from books. “So, um, Miss Gallop...” she started nervously.

The red mare glanced back over her shoulder, slowing her pace to fall back in line with Twilight. “Hmm?”

“Do you... uh, do you have a special somepony or something? Maybe a colt you like?” she’d read once that talking about relationships was a great icebreaker with girls, as they often liked to brag about the guys they were dating. The result, however, was exactly the opposite of what she expected.

Everypony save for her broke down laughing. Even Gallop. Looking around the group in confusion, she asked, “What? What?!”

Shotgun finally climbed to her hooves, and said through chortles, “Sugar, I appreciate the try at small talk an’ all, but do I really look like the kind of pony you wanna settle down with?”

Johnny and Asshole had since recovered, and walked back to join the now-stopped group. “This one,” Asshole chimed in, jabbing a paw at Gallop, “Couldn’t keep a steady coltfriend for nuthin’. Nopony’s that crazy.”

Twilight looked to Applejack for help, at a loss. The farmer just shook silently in chuckles and clapped a hoof on Twilight’s back. The unicorn shook a little from the impact. “Don’ worry about it, Twi. Ol’ Gallop here’s got a reputation for scarin’ away the boys. Matter of fact, the only stallion I’ve seen her be anything close to friends with is these two,” she gestured to the colt and cat currently looking bemusedly at the confused librarian. “Of course, a girl’s got needs, so if you wanna ask her about the boys she’s rustled up overnight, that might work a bit better.”

Twilight seemed to be getting the picture, and asked slowly, “So, if you’re... as romantically unstable as all that, who...” she paused to think of an appropriate phrase, “Who in their right mind would sleep with you?”

Before anypony even got a word out, Johnny’s hoof was in the air. Gallop nodded and jerked her head back at the stallion. “S’one of the many reasons I keep him around. What with Appleoosa bein’ as separate from everything as it is, most if not all of the colts in town won’t go near this pile of crazy with a gun in each hoof. Ol’ Spurs is the closest thing to stable I’m gonna get.”

“That isn’t to say we’re dating,” Johnny elaborated. “We just bump uglies whenever the need arises. Now, enough of this ‘who’s buckin’ who’ nonsense. We’re here,” he pointed a hoof over his shoulder, and Twilight saw that, sure enough, they were.

The lot of them shuffled into the lobby, with Twilight still wanting to ask questions, now that the subject had been breached. But given who they were there to meet, she didn’t exactly want to be discussing the topic of sex when they met.

“So where is this ol’ codger, anywho?” Asshole purred, jumping off Johnny’s back and landing on a table. “He ain’t gonna shuffle his way here and back, is he?”

Twilight’s mouth hung open, completely aghast. “Old codger?!” she shrieked. Applejack tried to placate her with a hoof on her shoulder, but she missed as Twilight stepped forward. “Do you have any idea who we’re here to see?!”

“Some Professor Bitton, right?” Johnny answered, leaping onto the couch.

Spurs hopped onto his lap and looked up at the purple unicorn. “Gallop didn’t tell us anything aside from where we’re goin’ and what we’re doin’, and dropped a name. And we still don’t know all of that,” he explained.

Applejack gave a sideways glance at Gallop, who was looking innocently at the ceiling, whistling slightly. “Y’all didn’t tell ‘em?”

Shotgun grinned. “You think they’d have shown up if they’d have known?”

The farmer hung her head. “Not a chance.”

Twilight looked back and forth amongst the group, completely at a loss. “How could you not tell them who Professor Bitton is?!”

Gallop shrugged and motioned for Twilight to continue, which she obviously would have done even if unprompted. “He’s only the most renowned archaeologist in the country! He’s descended from the great Daring Do! He and his sister, Ditzy-”

“WAIT.” Johnny held up a hoof, cutting her off. “Daring Do? Which means this guy’s name is Professor Bitton Do?”

Cat caught on just as quick. “And his sister is Ditzy freakin’ Do?!”

“Why, yes, she is...” Twilight trailed off, slightly put out. She wasn’t used to getting interrupted mid-rant like that.

Johnny stood up like a shot, Cat bouncing over his head to land on his back. It was almost coordinated. “That’s it, we’re out. There’s no way in Tartarus we’re staying around for-”

“JOHNNY!” came a loud and joyous cry from across the lobby.

Cat jumped out of the way just in time. “Abandon horse!” he cried, as a streak of grey bowled over the Earth pony stallion like a large caliber round.

Twilight couldn’t follow the movement, and only settled her vision in time to see Ditzy Do, aka Derpy Hooves, currently strangling the life out of Johnny with a hug. “Oh, I missed you! Bitton said we were going on an adventure with Applejack but she didn’t say YOU were coming!”

Applejack smiled warmly at the lazy-eyed pegasus. “Well, I didn’t know. I also didn’t know Gallop would be here, either,” she added with a wicked smile.

Twilight couldn’t interpret the purpose of the grin until Gallop turned her head and got out the words, “I HATE y-” before Derpy plowed into her, knocking over a nightstand in the process. Which knocked over a lamp. Which crashed right in front of a passing pony, who stumbled back, knocking over a grandfather clock. Which caught a curtain on the way down, tearing it off the wall and pulling down pictures, lighting fixtures, and one rather distraught maintenance pony trying to replace a light bulb.

Derpy looked around, and said, loudly but sheepishly, “Oops, my bad!”

Asshole glared at Johnny, who had just regained use of his lungs. “I hate you,” he growled. Johnny grimaced.

Bitton had joined them soon after, apologizing profusely for the damage his sister had caused, and rounded everypony up into a hotel room he’d reserved. It was a rather large suite, to make room for all of his equipment and maps. Johnny got the impression he really was every bit Daring Do’s descendant.

Derpy sat contentedly on a cushion in the middle of the room, far removed from anything with a center of gravity higher than hers, while Johnny, Asshole, and Gallop sat on a couch and chatted pointlessly. Twilight and Bitton were currently examining a bunch of maps, and Applejack had taken up a chair to herself, joining in the idle chatter.

“So, you and Johnny? Never figured you two’d go at it more’n once,” Applejack grinned.

Johnny nodded, and Cat frowned. “Yeah, it sucks. I gotta go outside whenever they do it. IT’S MY HOUSE!” he hissed loudly.

Johnny raised an eyebrow but said nothing, and Gallop giggled. The latter turned her attention to her farmer friend. “Neither did I, honestly. The first time was just a lot of alcohol and a weird conversation that went raunchy. The next few times were either out of need or comfort. Bunch o’ sad stories nopony needs to hear. The rest? Well, come on. Sex is fun.” Johnny ‘voiced’ his agreement by grunting and giving Gallop a hoofbump.

Applejack shook her head and smiled. “You two. Next thing you know you’ll be datin’ like, GASP, regular folk!”

Johnny shuddered, and Cat nearly fell of his perch atop the stallion’s hat. “No way. Datin’s never done nothin’ good for me. Buck that.”

Gallop nodded. “Yeah, it’s easier this way. We both known each other long enough we don’t gotta worry about gettin’ all sappy all over each other, or gettin’ jealous. It’s just a thing we do. Like, we go out, we wail on some sandcats, we get drunk, we bang, we go home. It’s like conversation, except lots more fun and less words.”

Johnny grinned. “Not that much less. You talk a lot.”

“Shut up!” Shotgun growled.

Aj laughed, and decided to shift gears. “So what’s this about you tryin’ to get outta Dodge, Johnny? I figure the middle of nowhere’d be good for you.”

The colt’s voice took on a bit of a darker undertone. “Let’s just say it’s easy to wear out your welcome in a place like Appleoosa. Everypony there’s either a miner or an apple farmer. Not a lot of room for somepony who seems to specialize in gettin’ into trouble.”

Asshole nodded. “We’ve got our fair share of rumors an’ reputation, miss. There’s a lot of folk who’d be happy seeing us leave.”

Applejack, her face soured with concern, glanced over to Gallop. “What about you? You plannin’ on leaving?”

Gallop was quiet for a moment, then said, “Yeah, if they do. We talked about it, an’ all. You already know, but I got a... habit of gettin’ into trouble. These two,” she gestured to the boys, “are the ones to go to to fix it. S’gotten to the point where I can’t not be near ‘em.” Her voice was a bit sad, but warm at the same time. Like a decision she’d come to terms with long ago, and made peace. “‘sides. I ain’t about to let my regularly scheduled ruttin’ run away like that. You ain’t gettin’ off that easy, Johnny.”

Asshole opened his mouth to make the obvious joke, but Spurs shoved his hoof in it. “Shaddup, cat.”

“You could move in with me if you wanted!” said a cheery voice off to the side. Johnny and Asshole jumped a little in their seats, while the girls just turned their heads. Derpy sat on the floor, looking up at Johnny like he was the world.

Asshole leaned over his perch on Spurs’ hat, and glared into his face. “NO. We are NOT moving in with her,” he said with much finality, before Johnny could say anything.

The stallion just tilted his head, making the cat and hat fall off all at once onto the floor. “Ah, stow it. Thanks anyway, Ditzy, but we already have plans. So what are you doing now, anyway?”

The grey pegasus smiled and tapped her chin thoughtfully. “Well, I was traveling with a doctor for a while, but I had to start stayin’ home, for Dinky. My daughter,” she explained, when all three of the Appleoosans gave her a look.

Asshole scrambled free of the hat, and looked up at her. “Uh... daughter? You have a kid?”

Derpy nodded proudly. “Yup! She’s four!”

Applejack saw the look on the other’s faces, and waved a hoof at them to get their attention. “Relax, I know who the father is. he’s a good guy. Not somepony you know, but he does right by them. He’s not around a lot, though.”

Derpy looked nonplussed. “Nah, he has stuff to do. But we get along just fine. Dinky knows her daddy and I finally have a family,” she said with more than a little joy in her voice.

Johnny smiled warmly, and Asshole did the closest thing to it: he shut up. “That’s great, Ditzy. I’m happy for you.”

“Aw, thanks! Now come on, I think Bitton and Twilight are done talking. It’s time to dive into the homicidal money cave!” Derpy cried out excitedly, flapping her wings in delight. She trotted over to join the two acting cartographers.

“And now I’m not happy,” mumbled Johnny. Gallop giggled and elbowed him.

Author's Note

It’s been forever since I’ve written for this story, so I apologize if this chapter seems a bit disjointed. I’ve got a newfound appreciation for it, though. This probably isn’t what I intended when I first sat down with it, but I’m happy with the direction I’ve decided on.

...and Professor Bitton

Chapter 5: ...and Professor Bitton

Twilight gathered the group together in the middle of the room, while the Professor set up a projector he pulled out from under a pile of papers and maps. She looked more enthusiastic than she had since they’d met her, which given her present company, wasn’t exactly a surprising development. What was surprising, however, was watching her hum while she worked with the slides.

Johnny leaned over to Applejack and whispered, “Um, what exactly is it she does for a living?”

Applejack considered him for a moment. “She’s Celestia’s star pupil, and the Element of Magic.”

Asshole leaned over Johnny’s shoulder, his current perch. “Yes, but what’s her job?”

The farmpony shuffled her hooves a bit. “She’s... um... ahem, a... uh... a librarian.”

Asshole facepawed and jumped down off of Johnny’s shoulder. “I’m out,” he said simply, and made his way back to the couch, where he took up as much of it as he possibly could falling asleep.

Johnny, on the other hoof, gave Twilight a once-over. “A librarian, huh? Does she... get out much?” he asked innocently, raising an eyebrow.

Applejack noticed Gallop giving the cowpony a look, but neither of them said anything. Finally, Applejack answered, “Well, no. Not really. She spends all of her time studying and making lists and sending reports to the Princess. Who she knows. Personally,” she added, seeing the look in Johnny’s eye as his gaze wandered over the distracted and bemused bookworm.

Spurs coughed and looked decidedly anywhere except Twilight’s... tail. Just in time, in fact, as Twilight looked up and addressed the group. “Ok, everypony, we’re ready!”

Johnny had braced himself for the eventuality that a librarian and an archaeologist would make some attempt to turn this expedition into something ‘educational’, and had since steeled his nerves against the impending presence of what many a non-scholarly pony considered to be the most inequine form of psychological torture devised by anyone with an IQ higher than their daily caloric intake: slide shows.

He could do this. he was ready. There was nothing that could-

Applejack slapped her hoof to her forehead and dragged it down her face in shame, leveling a displeased glare at the sleeping forms next to her. Sure, the slide show had been boring, but there were limits to what ponies considered socially acceptable. She offered Twilight a sympathetic look as the unicorn’s face fell, seeing three-fifths of her audience unconscious. The lavender unicorn had accepted that Asshole would go to sleep; he’d walked away before they started. But for both Spurs and Shotgun to pass out, the later on top of the former in a jumbled heap of limbs, well that was just impolite.

Professor Bitton, on the other hoof, had either resigned to ponies falling asleep during his presentations years ago, or simply had more important things to do. Pushing the projector cart out of the way, he ruffled through a saddlebag propped up on a table and pulled out a rather thick-looking scroll. Walking up to the sleeping ponies, he bopped each of them on the nose, and chuckled as they started awake, and stumbled over each other trying to stand up.

Eventually, they righted themselves, and looked around the room. Asshole hadn’t even woken up, Ditzy and Bitton just looked amused, and Applejack and Twilight both rolled their eyes and decided that moving along was the better of how ever many options they were considering.

“Right, right, I’m awake. What now?” Johnny muttered, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and glancing about. His gaze fell on the large scroll Bitton was wielding, and sighed. “Yer not gonna put me to sleep again, are you?”

“Oh no,” the professor assured him. “This is simply a list of all the things that can kill you while we’re traveling, or in the mines.”

“Whoa whoa whoa,” said a small scratchy voice from the back of the room. Asshole was awake, and walking up to the group. Jumping atop Johnny’s head with practiced ease, he glared at the professor. “Nopony said we was goin’ into the mines.”

“Well,” Bitton responded, grinning slyly, “If I die in the mines I can’t pay you when I get out, now can I?”

Johnny and Spurs looked at each other, then at the archaeologist holding their pay ransom. “You magnificent bastard,” they said in unison. It was at that point that Twilight realized how alike their voices were. It was difficult to tell them apart even vocally.

Bitton nodded. “Indeed. Now, about this list.” He unrolled it before him, and the whole group looked on in varying degrees of worry, concern, and abject horror. And, in one pony’s case, excitement. “We have... sandcats, sandblasts, sand, sun, sandstone, sandslides, heat stroke, dehydration, exhaustion, sunburns, sandmites, sandworms, sandpits, quicksand, sand geysers, scorpions, cactus fruit poisoning, drowning, diphtheria, any number of water-born parasites, diseases, viruses, also pirhana, sandsharks, desert hawks, Rocs, rocks...”

The more he read, the more Asshole tried to hide in Johnny’s hat and Johnny tried not to throw up in it. Applejack looked like she’d eaten something foul, and Twilight just gaped in awe at the sheer amount of killing a desert could do. Ditzy seemed more than content just not listening to the list, as if she did this every day.

The most disconcerting reaction to Bitton’s reading, however, was Shotgun Gallop. She smiled bigger and bigger with each line, and was practically jumping halfway through.

“...and that’s just the desert. The actual living mines themselves host a whole new list of problems. We have crushing, impalement, suffocation, heavy metal poisoning, drowning again, ooh, ancient curses, I forgot about that; the possibility of temple guards, ghosts, more scorpions, sand, rocks, possibly sandrocks...”

Johnny had foregone listening to his last will and testament being read in reverse and instead focused on the almost gleeful demeanor of his companion, Shotgun. “What in Tartarus is wrong with you?!” he hissed. Asshole’s face seemed to ask the exact same question.

She turned her happy gaze on Johnny. “Did you hear all the cool stuff I get to shoot?! Sandworms! I GET TO SHOOT SANDWORMS!” she shouted, distracting everypony in the room. Even Bitton stopped reading.

For a moment. “...gold golems, spike traps, acid traps, poison arrows, large boulders, marauders, guns, swords, and tetanus. I think that’s all of it.”

“OH REALLY?!” Asshole yelled over the hat. “Are you SURE?! Did you think to maybe turn the list over and see if the BACK OF YOUR PAGE WANTS TO KILL US, TOO?!”

Bitton considered the cat’s outrage for a moment, and flipped the scroll over. “OH! How about that! Sand golems, rock golems, goldwyrms-”

Asshole almost exploded. “MOTHERFU-”

While Ditzy helped Bitton clean up the room enough to start gathering supplies and organizing saddlebags for everypony, Twilight decided this was a good opportunity to get to know her “protectors” more.

She sidled up to Spurs, who was busy talking the finer points of desert survival with the girls and Cat. “Johnny, can I see you for a moment? There’s some other stuff I want to take with me, but I left it in storage downstairs. Help me carry it up?” Gallop and Applejack both gave her a look, but she ignored them.

Johnny, however, didn’t. “Don’t worry girls, I’ll be right back. Asshole, be a bro and make sure Ditzy doesn’t-”

CRASH. “My bad!”

Johnny heaved a sigh. “Do that any more than necessary.”

Asshole nodded, and walked off. AJ and Shotgun gave Johnny disbelieving looks, but he waved them off. “I’ll be fine. Go talk to Asshole some more, he’ll fill me in later.”

Twilight waited patiently for the girls to come to the conclusion that her and Johnny walking off alone together wasn’t any kind of serious concern, then led the tan pony out of the room.

Halfway down the hall, Johnny turned his head to look at Twilight. “Alright, whaddya want?”

Twilight did her best to look innocent. It wasn’t very good. “What do you mean? I’d just like a big strong stallion to help me carry heavy supplies up some stairs.”

Johnny ignored the obvious lie long enough for them to reach a smaller lobby on the floor below.Then he turned to the unicorn. “Come of it, girl. You’re one of those super-studious organized types. I seriously doubt anything even remotely important isn’t already in that room, labeled alphabetically and sorted by size.”

Twilight tried to look affronted, but decided against putting up the charade any longer. “Alright, fine. Look, I just want to know why exactly the three of you are coming along. I get that you guys handle problems in your hometown, however it is you do that, but this isn’t just some random thug going about beating up passerby. This is the find of a lifetime and one of the most dangerous expeditions in recent history. We’re not even sure we’ll find the place, and Bitton says he has it down perfectly where it is. What exactly about you makes you so qualified to protect us while we march through the apparently deadliest place in Equestria looking for a mountain of gold that’s taken self-defense classes?”

Johnny sighed and plopped himself down on a bench in the middle of the hall. “Look, I get that you have no idea who we are. I’m not surprised in the least. We try to keep our reputation as local as possible. But what we do, we’re good at. Shotgun Gallop, I trust that girl with my life. Time and time again, I’ve had to, and I’m still alive. Half those burns she has are because I wasn’t fast enough, and I still haven’t forgiven myself for most of them. You couldn’t be in better hooves than hers. I know I’ve never been.

“Asshole, yeah, he’s a crass son of a bitch. I get it. It comes with the territory. But the cat can smell trouble a mile away when it counts, and I’m still here cause of him. Both of them. He’s my brother and she’s... well, she’s as much mine as I am hers, but don’t you dare tell her I said that. I know things, girlie. So if you want to question anypony on this team, question me. But don’t go a second and think that they can’t or won’t save your hide every damn moment of the day. Money or no, they’re good folk.”

Twilight thought about his statement for a moment, slightly reassured, but pressed on. “Ok, so what about you? You can vouch for them all you want, but what does that mean to me if I don’t know a thing about you? Sure, Derpy and AJ seem to like you, and I know AJ won’t lie to me. I can trust you as far as she can, at least. But what makes you so qualified to do this job?”

Johnny laughed. “Who says I am?”

Twilight was taken aback by that. “What?”

He leveled his gaze at her. “Who said I am? I’m a drunken gambler of a pony that fixes all his problems in ways that earn you the kind of reputation you can’t buy your way out of with a kingdom of gold. I got a nickname where I come from, Miss Librarian. The Last Resort.”

Twilight furrowed her brow and narrowed her eyes. “How do you get a name like that?”

“By earning it,” Johnny said simply. His voice was flat and weary, like somepony who’d told the story a million times and still didn’t believe it himself. “There’s this bar in my hometown. I won’t bother telling you the name of the place, you won’t find it on any kind of map. Not cause it’s gone or anything, but it’s so damn small you could fit it in this hotel and still have room to point and laugh at it. It’s got a couple of houses, a market, a medical house, and a bar. That’s it. The bar’s called The Last Resort. I was born in that bar, in the loft apartment on the second floor. My daddy owned the joint, and I grew up in that bar.

“Now, I won’t tell you how I got my cutie mark, because something tells me you’ll need your sleep tonight. But I was in that little town for most of my life. All I did there was pour drinks and solve problems. That’s what my special talent is, solving problems. And it’s never how you want it done. Well, almost. Sometimes I get lucky, I won’t lie. But the people in this town, they all said ‘You got a problem, go to The Last Resort.’

“Well, eventually, the bar closed. Town was basically done for. We kept ourselves afloat being the only stop for food, sleep, and water for a hundred miles in every direction, but when they started putting in roads and train tracks, we just weren’t needed anymore. I was there till the last pony left town, by the way. About a year after the bar closed. But ponies still said ‘You got a problem, go to The Last Resort.’ Except they weren’t talkin’ about no bar no more.”

Johnny paused for a moment, either catching his breath or resting his mind, Twilight couldn’t tell. Then he kept going. “So if your boss, this Professor Bitton, thinks I’m the best guy for the job, it’s because all the other ‘best guys for the job’ skipped out on him, cost too much, or just plain said ‘no’. I’m the last person you go to when you need help because I’m the only pony that will always say yes. And I’ll be honest, even I was gonna say no when I heard about this job. So if you’re asking what my qualifications are, miss, it’s this: I showed the buck up.”

Sparkle didn’t have words. It wasn’t that often that anypony spoke to her so frankly, and to be honest she didn’t know what to make of it. She still had a million questions, and after hearing him talk, had a billion more, but she settled on one. “Well, ok. But I have to ask: How do you know Derpy?”

Johnny’s eyes went wide for a moment, obviously not expecting that question. Then he surprised Twilight in turn by tilting his head back, and laughing. “Well now, that’s a much more interesting tale. Let me tell you...”

Author's Note

Here's the only thing I'll ever do even remotely close to a preview. The next chapter is called "Ditzy Do and Johnny Spurs (Part 1)".

Ditzy Do and Johnny Spurs (Part 1)

Chapter 6: Ditzy Do and Johnny Spurs (Part 1)

I hadn’t been to Appleoosa more than a couple of weeks. Just long enough for ponies to start getting weary of me. Nothing I wasn’t used to, at that point. I’d lived in a few towns before, and it was usually the same story every time.

I’d first met her, and Applejack, come to think of it, on a Friday afternoon. I was just getting back from cleaning out a ditch full of dead sandcats that had been rotting in the sun for a bit. Back then, like always, I was hurtin’ for money. So I took whatever job ponies threw at me, even if it was out of spite sometimes.

I remember her first words really clearly. She was flying overhead, delivering a package. I remember them because it was the last thing I heard before her box dropped on my head and knocked me unconscious: “What smells like Griffon puke?” THUD. Out like a light. Apparently she’d been carrying it in her mouth.

I woke up a couple of hours later to Applejack standin’ over me. And let me tell you, she was one of the prettiest mare’s I’d ever seen. Still is, kind of. But now she’s more like a cousin than anything, and that’s just weird. But when I first saw her? Man, I wanted that. HARD.

Now, this may differentiate from what everypony else will tell you I said, but don’t let them lie to you; I was a perfect gentleman. I woke up, saw her gorgeous face, blonde hair, and green eyes, and promptly introduced myself like a proper gentleman asking if she was an angel and if I was dead.

Everypony else, the lying bastards, insist I said something more like “Hey, you’re new. Wanna do it?” Lies and slander, I say.

Well, she didn’t wanna do it. But, fortunately for me, I was still concussed at the time, so she didn’t seem offended by that thing that I very obviously did not say. Instead, she responded, “Yeah, nope. Howzabout we get you some water first? You’ve been unconscious a while.”

At that point I heard a voice in the corner say “Yeah, sorry.” I turned to look, and there was Ditzy Do, sitting in the middle of the room. At first I thought it was kind of weird that she was sitting so far away from... well, everything. At first. One of those things you look back on and laugh, ya know?

Well, I got me out of bed, got some water, when I realize somethin’ rather important is missing. My hat. Mind oyou, I love that hat. This hat. I love it. Not like AJ’s hat. That’s... somethin’ special. I’ll let her tell you about it, if she hasn’t already. But no, my hat was a different kind of special. It’s what I found Asshole in when I first found him. He was using it as a bed. Middle of nowhere. But again, another story. Either way, I couldn’t find my hat.

Then i heard snoring. I turned, saw my hat, and my cat, both on the windowsill. And he was still using it as his bed. So I ripped it out from under him and put it on.

And this is Asshole Cat, in a nutshell. After he swears at me for takin’ the hat right out from under him, he just says, “Oh good. You ain’t dead.” And that was that. He hopped on my shoulders, and I went back to talking to, and trying to bet into the hay with, Applejack. Of course, my first attempt not working, I decided just to ask the obvious questions.

“The hell happened to me?”

Applejack glared over at Derpy, who kinda shrunk into the floor with a sheepish smile. “My bad,” she said. Derpy, not Applejack.

Applejack, instead, looked back at me and explained the whole thing. “I was delivering some farming supplies for my cousin, Braeburn. He’s got his own Apple orchard now, and...”

I can’t help it. I interrupt her. Bad habit, really. “Yeah, we know him. Fruity as his crop, he is. So you’re that farmgirl cousin he talks about?”

I don’t know why, but watching an eyebrow twitch always amuses me. “Yeah, I am. And I’d appreciate you not slanderin’ my family members.”

I traded looks with my cat, who asked her, in all seriousness: “You really expect us to NOT make fun of the guy? I mean, really. I remember readin’ the brochure before we moved here, and I’m damn positive that Appleoosa doesn’t have that many vowels in it.”

Their reaction was priceless. I don’t think they’d ever seen a Talker before. I mean, he’d said a few words in the hospital already, since I woke up, but Applejack told me later she thought it was just me talkin' to myself like some weirdo with a head injury. You know, like I was. “Holy horsefeathers it talked!” Applejack screamed, runnin’ backwards. “What they hey kind of cat is that?!”

Derpy just looked at it all wide-eyed. “Cooooool,” she said. I thought it was kinda funny.

Asshole thought it was hysterical. He was all rollin’ around on top of my head. “Ahaha, oh god! Oh my god that was great!” He just kept on laughin’ over and over. I thought he might choke to death. Wouldn’t be the first time he passed out laughin’ too hard.

I just chuckle and hold out a hoof for Applejack to pick herself up. She’d fallen against the wall when there wasn’t no more room t’ run. “You alright down there missy?”

If looks could kill I’d need a new cat. “The hay kind of cat you got there? I never met a cat that could talk!”

Asshole gave her some kind of look, I didn’t see it, but her eyes went wide. Must not ‘a liked it. “And I never met a unicorn obsessed with havin’ a talking familiar before my last owner. You get used to things.”

She never asked him about it again, after that. Ditzy, bless her, just never cared. “So, uh, sorry about dropping that box of nails on your head. I think we got them all out,” she said, lookin’ at my noggin’ left and right.

To this day I still feel a small prick at the back of my skull whenever she apologizes.

After giving my skull a thorough pat-down, I decided to not worry about it. “So, uh, you said you were delivering stuff to Braeburn? You happen to need any help?”

Applejack shook her head, slowly getting back into ‘normal’ conversation. “Not really, no. We was almost done when we... met you, and since you took so long to wake up we just kinda finished while we waited. I was standin’ over you cause the doc called and said you was gettin’ better.”

I nodded, grateful to have somepony look out for me like that. It’s not somethin’ I was used to at the time. Which got me thinkin’ back to any of the other ponies I know that’d give two shakes if I keeled over. Which in turn, got me worried. “Uh, nopony’s seen Gallop yet, have they?” I ask nopony in particular. I feel Asshole shudder on top o’ me, and I know he’s thikin’ the same thing I was thinkin’.

Which we didn’t get a chance to say, as she kinda chose that moment to break down the door. I still wonder where she gets her timing from, actually. She bursts in the room, yellin’ at the top of her lungs, “Where’s Johnny?!” Then she looked around, and spotted me. Like a heat-seekin’ shark or somethin’, I swear. I think at first she’s gonna give me a hug, which I was mildly prepared for.

What I wasn’t prepared for, was to get yet another physical. Cause, y’know, they give you one when you show up unconscious and stuff. She throws the cat and hat offa me, and checks all my fur. Rifles through my hair. Hell, she even flipped me on my back and checked to... uh... make sure I was still all together where it counted. Y’know? Anyway. After makin’ sure I was still a fully functional stallion, then she stands me up again and gives me a hug.

For like, ten seconds. Then she strangles me. “Don't. You. Ever. Go. To. The hospital. Again. Without. Telling me!”

“I. Can’t. Breathe.” I choke out. Must have been quite a spectacle, come to think of it. I think Applejack woulda stopped her if she hadn’t burst into the hospital with her rifle on.

Now, it wasn’t really a hospital. Appleoosa doesn’t have quite that much money, or at least it didn’t back then. It was more like a medical... shack. Really just a bunch of beds, some drugs, and a cart waitin’ to take you somewhere they could fix you up if you got really broke. So there wasn’t a lot of ponies that would stop somepony like Shotgun Gallop from breakin’ down a door and rushing to my bed, especially armed.

But that aside, she puts me down, and hugs me again, and looks round to the rest of the room. There’s Derpy, who just looks up at her and smiles, and Applejack, who giver her this look like, well, you’ve met Gallop. That kind of look. So she asks Applejack, “Did you break my toy?!”

Just like that, I swear. Asks her just like that. I was about to say somethin’ when Applejack goes, “What?! No! I didn’t do nuthin’! And what’s this about yer toy?” she was all indignant. It was kinda heartwarming in a super-possessive gun-toting psycho kinda way.

But Gallop ignores her, and turns to Ditzy. “Did youbreak my Johnny’s noggin?” she asks, kinda dangerously.

Before Derpy can answer, I decide I might wanna cut in on this. “Uh, Gallop? For one, my noggin’s fine. I can stand up and everything.” At least, I thought I could. I kinda teeter over at that point. “Woo, that’s where all my blood was. Hi.” So I lean against the bed and decide maybe climbing back in it isn’t such a bad idea.

Of course, Gallop’s all kinds of fussed. Found out later she was in heat at the time, and was really hopin’ I’d be in good enough shape to... you get the picture. Sure. But then the doctor comes over. And yes, he was a doctor. Don’t remember his name. He wasn’t there long. We have a new one now. But yeah, he comes by, and gives me a scolding for getting up when I’m obviously n need of more bedrest, and tries to shoo everypony out.

Applejack and Ditzy get goin’, but Asshole stays, which I figured he would. And Gallop stays, too. Cause tellin’ her to do anything she doesn’t want to is usually a lead-lined Bad Idea with capitol letters. So They give me more pills ‘an I fall back asleep.

I wake up a bit later, like, the next day, and Gallop’s gone. Apparently she got bored and went to hunt down some poor unwary stallion to meet her needs. The only living things left in the room are Asshole and the doc. Not a lot of ponies stayed overnight at the medical shack. Either they didn’t need to, or they needed to be somewhere with a significantly better supply of painkillers. Either way, I was alone. And feeling much better. So I hop up, get checked out ok, and Cat and I mosey on home.

Which, for some reason, is being occupied by a couple of familiar mares. I open the door, and Applejack’s in the kitchen, lookin; for food (good luck), and Ditzy’s asleep. Gallop’s sittin’ off to the side with a field-stripped gun and a bottle of oil, takin real good care of it. She looks up when I walk in. “Oh, hey, Johnny. Thought we’d guard the house for ya while you was out.”

I raised an eyebrow at her. “Uh, so who’s watchin’ your house?”

She laughed at me. “Pffft. My house can look after itself.”

I found that out later, actually firsthoof. Truer words. “So why are they here? And asleep?”

She goes back to cleaning her gun. “I told ‘em they could sleep here, since you bein’ all unconscious kept em too late and they missed their train. And before you asked, they can’t stay at my house, cause I don’t want it to blow up. And Braeburn’s house isn’t exactly roomy enough for other ponies.”

I was confused. As was Asshole. He chimed up, “Isn’t there like, a whole branch of the Apple family here?”

Applejack looked over the top of the fridge door at me, and had the decency to look all apologetic. “Yeah, sorry about that. But this was the only place we could both get a good night’s sleep,” she said, nodding over to a sleeping Derpy. Well, was sleeping. Apparently all the talking woke her up. So she was kinda sittin’ up and rubbin’ the sleep outta her eyes.

“S’morning already?” she said. Even i gotta admit, she was cute in the morning. “Yay! That means we can go fight that Buffalo’s ghost thingy or whatever!”

The cat and I traded glances again, and gave Gallop a look. “What.”