Fallout Equestria: The Ranger of Seamane

Chapter 17 – Foolish Thoughts

“I don't know what came over me.”

Two months, that is how long it took for the wasteland to get into my head and leave me horribly ruined. Even with Rose coming to my rescue after I had been held captive for three days and subjected to Celestia knows how many sexual acts. In the end it all I remembered was the last few minutes of it as the illusion I had built to protect myself was shattered. I remembered I was being rutted at the time by the big green earth stallion. I vividly remembered his orgasm and my own being marked with the disintegration of his skull above me and his blood as well as brain matter falling into my mane and staining me. It took me a full minute to realize he was dead and turn to the doorway of the room. There stood Rose, she looked horrified at me as I still wore an expression of stupidity mixed with joy of orgasm. She ended up running out of the room as I detached myself from the corpse of my captor. I sat there thinking as his load leaked out of me and parts of my brain that had shut off for the sake of my sanity came back.

When Rose returned I was curled up on the floor crying, realizing once more what I had been through. Knowing the extent of how far I had shoved myself away into a mental closet in hopes it would help. It didn't, I remembered everything and began systematically blocking out what I could. Detailed memories became vague and foggy. Things stopped being so smooth running as Rose carried me out on her back. I don't remember who else was there, but, whoever it had been had come with some serious firepower to have repainted the walls black and red. We had made it halfway to Tenpony Tower when I blacked out.

Waking up again I found myself strapped down to a bed. Slowly the world formed from golden light as my eyes adjusted to being open again. I felt incredibly stiff. I heard a faint beeping sound that was familiar. I saw the monitor and realized I was in a clinic. Then it hit me, the smell, the cold, the comfortableness of the bed. I was in Tenpony Tower's clinic. I had no idea as to why I was strapped down. I struggled a little to see if I could wiggle loose and walk around a little. I wasn't fond of being forced to stay put at the moment. If anything I kind of wanted to run and hide somewhere dark and silent. I heard voices talking in the distance and felt my heart go to my throat. I couldn't make out what was being said, but, the voices were once again familiar. That didn't help my panic at all. The monitor started to beep louder and quicker as I stopped moving and listened trying to hear what they were saying. Instead I was treated to quick hoof steps towards me. My panic had alerted them to my awakening.

“She's awake! Thank the goddesses she pulled through.” Doctor Helping Hoof said to Rose as they entered my view.

“Moonlight!” I felt Rose's fore legs go around my neck as she buried her muzzle in my coat. “I am so sorry...”

I just blinked as I felt my heart hammering faster. My body reassert its desire to leave, having Rose so close this fast was too much. I needed time before I was ready to be around her again, around anypony again. I wanted time to myself, to think, to get away from the trauma. Helping Hoof seemed to notice that her hugging me wasn't helping and pulled her away as gently as he could asking her to wait while he checked on me. He didn't loosen any of the straps when he saw I had chafed one of my legs on my restraints.

“We had to treat you for a variety of addictions, and you're showing a mental state that tells me not to let you go. I am sorry, Moonlight, but, I can't let you out of this bed. It is for your own safety.” Helping Hoof said in a sad tone. I felt myself deflate realizing I was stuck, and no words would get me out of my bonds. Anything I said could indicate an attempt to persuade him.

“Then fix my horn. It is what I came here for anyways.” I said, if I couldn't leave might as well get that taken care of.

“Not yet, you still need a few more days to heal up and for us to get everything ready. It has been a long time since anypony got their horn fixed here. You are a first of your kind since your horn has been reshaped. We have to figure out which pathways are what which is causing a few very smart ponies some very big headaches.” He said as he replaced my IV bag with a new one. “To make it more complicated it seems you have gotten yourself a mutation.”

I blinked and floundered for words. I knew the horn was going to be a trick in of itself, but, what mutation did I get?! Oh goddesses I hope it isn't something hard to cover up.

“It seems to be related to the amount of radiation you soaked up while you were... captive.” He said, trying to word it as carefully as possible. I was thankful for that.

“It couldn't have been that much radiation though, I mean it was slightly radioactive there, but, my pipbuck wasn't even constantly registering any exposure.” I said around a tongue that felt dry and like cotton.

“Right, but, that could mean it was less than a rad per second. Thing is background radiation is just as bad as the stuff your pipbuck will tell you about. It may take longer, but, say the radiation is about about one rad per half minute it can build up to lethal amounts while you sleep.” I nodded as he said this, that would explain it. Though I had some how also gained I guess what would be called a mutation in resistance to radiation.

“So what do I do in the mean time. I mean being strapped down isn't quite the most relaxing place to be for me at the moment.” I said with a shaky voice, I wasn't certain from nerves or weakness

.

“Rest, get used to being around others. Get used to not everypony wanting to hurt you. I could tell from how you were reacting to your marefriend that you aren't comfortable with not being in control.” He gave me a sympathetic look. “Trained in psychology as well. So we are going to work on that as well while you get strong enough for the surgery and they figure out what needs to be done.”

I gave a small nod, he was right, my first reaction was to run away. I still wanted to get away and then deal with others in my own time. But, who knew how long it would be for me to be ready. No, my hoof needed to be forced or I would keep running away as much as I could. That wouldn't be fair to anypony. I frowned then sighed.

“Sighing from somepony like you means you don't like a thought you had.” Helping Hoof said as he returned with a book.

“I think Rose could benefit from learning to let others be in control as well. Not because of this, just... I think I have a better grasp of what she went through now.” I said, memories returning to me that made me uncomfortable. “Ugh... I think I also have a very large helping of self loathing.”

“We have a few days, and with what I have heard I don't think you should worry about the bill.” Helping Hoof said much to my confusion.

“Bill? What did somepony wave it? Is the novelty of doing the operation enough for whoever is doing it?” I asked and felt stupid afterwards for having done so.

“I'll explain later, when I have a full explanation myself. In the mean time, all you have to worry about is getting better, and I am going to help with that.” He said placing the book down and turning to me. A nagging voice in my head started mentioning what dirty things he could be implying, supplying images to go with it.

“Oh goddesses...” I said quietly as I looked away with my cheeks starting to burn.

Helping Hoof cleared his throat once he realized what was going on.

“Maybe I should get your marefriend in here as it seems you need help in a different department at the moment.”

“You might want to take a few notes so you know what all to read up on for helping me. Because I don't think it is just lack of control, that self loathing I mentioned seems to be pretty strong as well.” I said doing my best to think of sand, snow, and stairs. Three things I hated and were irritating to me. I quickly tossed out stairs once my mind realized positions that I could be in for 'fun'. Sand and snow still worked as being as much of a turn off as I could think of at the moment. I hadn't noticed Helping Hoof leave and Rose's return.

“He said you needed my help.” Rose said, the silver of her voice lost, replaced with concern and sadness. It hurt to hear. I didn't look at her, I knew if I did I would either cry or lose whatever progress I had made at calming down.

“Thank you, and I am sorry, Rose.” I said, I heard her take the seat next to my bed.

“We will talk about it later, I know you will need to talk about it later. I know... Because I have been wanting to talk about it for a long time. Ever since you freed me, I wanted to tell you. Now I feel...” I cut her off as I felt my eyes start to tear up.

“Rose? Just be close for now. I... I am barely holding together, okay?” I felt her hoof rest against mine as we sat there in the quiet hum of the lights. It was what I needed right now, a helping hoof. The irony of it was not lost on me and made me smile slightly.

Eventually I felt Rose shift and lay fully against my bed and begin to snore quietly. As she did I felt my warm tears wet my coat around my eyes. It still hurt that I wanted to still run away from here, from Rose, from everything and just curl up in a ball. I let out a sigh trying to squash those feelings, I needed to move past it.

The past can hurt and leave lingering pains. Like a old stallion with a bad leg from an injury during some sporting event, or an unlucky fall. But, like an old injury like that, you shouldn't let it define who you are. It is part of you, you have to own that, and remember that. It is like trying to ignore the great injury to our world. We had to remember and deal with the fact the past shapes the present and future. No matter how bad I now wanted to forget those three days, my complete lack of trying to fight back after the Goddess seeded Doubt into my mind. I wanted to forget how good it felt, the look on Rose's face when she saw me. The horrible scream that I had uttered when reality took hold again as I lay under the headless corpse of the one who had just been violating me. I shuddered at myself, hating myself for it.

'Goddesses we are fucked up aren't we?' I heard the voice of Doubt say from the corner of my mind.

'You're the person at fault for me giving in, something about ‘might as well get some 'enjoyment' from it’.' I retorted feeling wrong in my own skin for doing so.

'Yes, well we didn't expect us to get so into it though. Though the drugs might have made it worse.' Doubt said as I felt the desire to shower and scrub until my flesh bleed.

'Maybe you should have remembered, I tend to get a bit carried away and don't do things in half measures. You remember what I did to those raiders after meeting Rose. I think blowing them up with a rocket launcher is not a half measure and was in fact very much overkill.' I didn't like the feeling of pride that came with the memory of blasting away raiders so coldly. The memory of the cold killing frightened me actually, the fact that I could descend into such a cold minded state was not welcoming.

'We can go all the way into enjoying any sin of the wasteland, can't we?' Doubt said.

'At least it doesn't happen often.' I countered, I hadn't gone that far that often.

'I would say we have fallen for a good number of sins. Our lusting for other mares we have come across, Snow is a prominent example of that. We look at others and take envy in something they have, like horns.' Doubt said, I could see the smile forming on her face now as we sat in another part of the room within my mind. 'We both know we fall into wrath, our willing fulness to go full goddess of death on any pony who decides to shoot at us at the drop of a hat. Hey, remember how as soon as we saw the Alicorn we went straight to killing her. Pride on having spotted her, taking her out, pride in our acts of murder, the slavers who took that guard captive in Saint Clover. We take pride in the slaughter of any raiders. Pride in our actions in Black Woods. Pride and Wrath seem rather strong in us. Greed, do I need to say, was practically taught to us by Mom and Dad, even now you are hoarding caps and equipment.'

'You like to berate me, why? Why do you have to be so destructive to me. If you are me why do you hate me.' I asked Doubt, I knew what she said was true, but, I knew it was true of any pony alive. We have our faults, nopony is a paragon of good. Hero's only exist in the sense of a story or a idea. I was no exception, all I could do is try to do the right thing when the chance presented itself, or to make the chance for action to appear for me or others to do the right thing.

'Simple, we are you, we have doubts, I am that incarnate due to you needing a way to justify things. It is far easier to blame another, for it to be somepony else's fault. Blame your losses on an outside force. Isn't it?' Doubt said, that sly grin fully formed on her face.

'Another voice in my mind, but, it is my own voice. It says to me the same things I think, but, in a different tone to twist my words and seed doubt.' I said as if remembering a quote from a book.

'We always have been in your mind, now though you with a nudge created an other. But, who do you blame it on?' Doubt waved a hoof and the image of a blue alicorn formed, with another she created the image of the massive stallion that had captured me. With a wave of her hoof a image of me.

I simply pointed to the image of myself. I was to blame for my own problems, it was my own fault I got caught. The seeds for Doubt to grow and split like this had been planted in my psyche for a long time, the wasteland had just been watering it. I had never really noticed it, I left the garden of my mind untended and it was now overgrown with Doubt.

'An apt metaphor.' Doubt chimed in reminding me she wasn't a separate entity. I looked at her again, she looked more properly like myself, but, she looked like she had lost color throughout all of her features. Her horn had holes in it, but, was just as curved as mine. The other thing I noticed was the more hardened and gaunt look that filled her, the odd bulges on her sides where her coat was messed up.

'Why do I see you as well, not me exactly?' I asked, though it was dawning on me how most likely the image I saw was directly a result of me trying to make her the other. The focus of what was wrong, somepony I could say was the cause of my woes.

'Correct you are, holes in my horn like a changelings, the graying of my coat like what was reported from the effects of disharmony, the bulges on my sides from slowly mutating into a alicorn of the Goddess'.' Doubt said with a sharp teeth filled grin.

'Of course, roll all the small things of evil and bad and roll it into you. Make you the perfect other, gaunt and hard like a raider, be a monster who eats love, a being of disharmony, a mutant, and a power mad pseudo deity.' I said with the flip of my hoof.

'What else would we consider the opposite of our self?' Doubt said before laying her eyes on Rose and my physical self.

'Or maybe I find it more apt for my doubt to be what I fear myself being.' I said, earning a smile from Doubt before she returned to wearing a neutral expression.

'We see our self as no better than a raider in our blundering around the wasteland with no respect for the order of things. We still feel undeserving of her love, feel that we gained it wrongly, feeding off of it. Wherever we go you feel we bring disharmony. We know that Aegis didn't tell me everything with the substance put within us, that you slowly are mutating, possibly we will eventually become another Goddess controlled alicorn with time.' Doubt said calmly before returning her gaze to me.

'So the real question is, why now that I am out of that awful situation that caused me to need a way to rationalize my way into being okay with what I did, do I still have you in my head?' I asked Doubt turning my own gaze at what was my mental approximation of how things looked around me.

'Because we always did this, we always bounced things off of our self to figure out what to do. Now we just are personifying it a bit more. We are our doubt. We are one, we just think we are two for the sake of making banter easier and less awkward. After all we doubt how sane we would seem to others if we bantered with ourselves. Though we both know that this would probably draw more attention if we explained it to anypony.'

'Right, because having a mental hallucination of an other probably would end up being more worrying. Which yeah it should be, but, at the same time, it is all within my head, I don't see you in reality, only in mental projections of a place. Within a mindscape.' I said feeling confident that this wasn't a problem. At least not as major of a problem as my mental scarring from being taken captive.

'We are right as usual, after all in time won't I just fade as the rift that caused my formation it closed up. We see ourselves as separate for no reason other than need at the time. Once the time is past won't things fade.' Doubt said and I nodded in agreement. 'Or maybe it is deeper than you think and things won't return to normal.'

'Stop that, I named you Doubt for the sake of that is the primary characteristic you displayed in my mind initially. It doesn't mean you have to keep being the source of doubt.' I fired back pointing a hoof at Doubt.

'But, what use would we be to our self if we didn't come from a different mindset. Prevent group thinking at a individual level.' Doubt said, a sly grin crawling across her muzzle.

'You are like a living wound upon me.' I said glaring daggers at Doubt now who feign being hurt by my words. 'You move from one part of me to another seeing where you sit does the most harm and what just tickles in comparison to what I have gone through. You torment me for no reason beyond your own.'

'Only because that is what we want. Why would I do anything that we didn't want to do. I am you therefore I do what we want to do to our self. You want to torment yourself for what you have done, for what you question about yourself. Fear maybe your best friend savage, but, doubt is the true mind killer.' She said before taking some Mint-al's leaving her muzzle red with residue. I vaguely remembered having taken them myself under the influence of Dash and Buck. They had given me something else, it made me much more open to suggestions, it also had made me feel dumber. The Mint-al's had countered that and skyrocketed my perception and sensitivity. I blushed at remembering a few of the more interesting moments.

'Ugh, I am going to be having a lot of self loathing for the next while aren't I?' I said to nopony in particular.

'Yes we probably are, best you find a creative way to deal with it. Preferably a not self destructive way or suicidal. After all we created me for the sake of conversing with our self in a more in depth way. Hard to do that when dead.' Doubt said, she was not quite my opposite, more of a reflection down a different path, not of life, but, of thought.

'Neat.' I said rubbing my chin with a hoof. 'I rather not have those thoughts, got enough to deal with for now.'

'We aren't the source of those thoughts, they will most likely crop up naturally with dealing with the horrors of our world. We just won't make it harder to deal with, that is one rabbit hole that we wish not to explore.' Doubt said, and I chuckled, here I was, having a conversation with myself, who wasn't myself, and yet was myself because it was a forced twisted image that I had made of myself to talk to myself.

'You know, our relationship is both simple and complex.' I mused as I leaned back against the wall, my horn tapping the wall itself, which thankfully in mindscape didn’t hurt. 'To say the least it is actually kind of nice to get to talk to somepony that I can't hide anything from and have an immediate acceptance of the fact. There is also the fact you can't talk to anypony else so what I say is between you and me. Well it is just between me and myself.'

'We have always found it to confide in one of two subjects. Our self, or a stranger. It is hardest to confide in somepony close to us, the closer they are the harder it gets. Well, until Rose showed up, she seems to have breached that.' Doubt was scratching her chin now then smiled. 'She is worth it, like we said, we aren't always going to tear you down, just sometimes we need to think a different way.'

'Right, so now I get to have three voices in my head when the Goddess isn't around?' I asked, remembering that other voice that had told me to hold on.

'I don't know who that other voice belonged to, but, yes when the Goddess isn't around it will just be us and whatever those things from the Statuettes are.'

I nodded, 'guess I should sleep soon shouldn't I.'

Doubt nodded in agreement. 'We should, we still need to get our horn fixed, by the sounds of it they can do it, if not, guess it is off to Hoofington to see if anypony there knows how to do it.'

'Right because we want to go into a city with magical invisible unblockable undetectable, radiation that shreds your soul and liquefies your body.' I said as I shook my head and looked back at Doubt who was doing the same.

'Yes, we don't want to do that unless needed. We both know how bad enervation can get.' Doubt said with a noticeable shudder. I also noticed her form had seemed to solidify as a grayed more tired looking version of myself.

'I guess now that I understand what you are my image for you has come to a more constant form.' I said as I got up and began to walk back to my body.

This was when I realized how massively surreal this whole thing had been, and how easily I just went with it. I was fucking loony. But, it was manageable for now, adjust to the new normal and call yourself okay with the new reality. That is what everypony did after all. Things change for better or for worse and you adjust to the new reality of your life, normalize what your circumstances are and mark that as okay. It was how I imagine some are able to be around raiders and slavers yet still stay somewhat sane. It was how anypony stayed sane in the world, the problem was when things changed too much too often. You can't normalize if the metaphorical ground you stand on keeps shifting.

I touched my mind scape self's horn and the world changed perspectives on me to back on the bed, strapped down, with a sleeping Rose leaning onto the bed. I also realized how badly I needed to clean myself again was. Maybe I could Helping Hoof to let me out after talking to me so I could wash up. I would keep Rose nearby to make certain I didn't do anything stupid and Helping Hoof would be more likely to let me out of my restraints. As I let the tendrils of sleep wrap around me and carry me off I annoyingly still felt part of me wanting to break free and find a place alone and dark to hide. It was going to take a while to get that feeling under control and banish it to the Moon, or the Sun, or Tartarus.

*                *                *

It was a relaxing day, Rose and I where just spending time together as a couple... coupling. It felt nice to escape the wasteland, even if for a short while. We cuddled for a while after and I drifted off into the bliss of sleep. I awoke to being strapped down on a medical bed with Rose asleep next to me half on her chair half on the bed. I heard the breathing a coughing of other ponies in the clinic. I mentally scratched my head trying to figure out how I got here. Had something happened after I fell asleep?

The world around me replied in a odd shudder, a burst of magical energy passing through everything. It left me feeling hollow, like something deep within me had been striped from my very being. I struggled to get free, the restraints felt like they were cutting into me now. I needed to leave, something was wrong. My movements woke Rose and I turned to address her to find my mouth incapable of functioning. Then I saw her face. It was a twisted smile, her lips went too far, like a caricature of her. Her eyes were black pits with tiny white lights deep within them. The once beautiful features of her face now sank like ravines into black abysses.

“Oh you are finally awake again honey, I am glad to see you are out of that coma. You had me so worried.” Rose said, her voice hollow compared to the Rose I knew. The expression on her face told me she read what my face and body were saying, fear, confusion, and anxiety.

“Just relax, we had to restrain you due to your awful night terrors as well as you know how you are when you wake up somewhere other than where you fell asleep.”

I simply nodded, it must just be my mind playing a trick on me. No, the last thing I remember was falling asleep, so this had to be a dream. Right? This wasn't real.

“Can you let me up?” I asked Not-Rose.

“Why, from the looks of things you want to stay tied down, we both know you like not being in control. You have such a hard time anymore with making choices.” Rose said as she stood up. I acutely was aware part of my body was enjoying the thrill of this, the rest of me was scared.

“Please, I don't want to, not now. Everything feels wrong, looks wrong. It makes no sense.” I pleaded trying to stretch a hoof out to her.

“What, do you not want to give a show to the rest of the patients?” She purred and I distinctly noticed the lack of any other sound now beyond my breathing. Not even the hum of the electric lights. I blinked and suddenly we were surrounded by equine shadows, some had massive chunks missing from them.

“No, this can't be real. This has to be a dream, or it has to be a hallucination from something they gave me. Why am I even here Rose!” I yelled as panic started to overtake me.

“You don't remember? I will give you a reminder, and that should help you calm down.” She said as she climbed onto the bed with me, she adjusted the restraints and forced my hind legs open. I knew what was to come next and shut my eyes.

“NO! Rose you know this is wrong, stop! Please stop!” I cried out. There was only silence. I opened my eyes only to see her twisted face in mine grinning, the white lights now vertical lines like a predators.

“Then find a way to escape, it is the only way to leave, because nopony is going to help you here. Or maybe you want to stay. You have to make a choice.” She purred through her far too big smile with its far to many sharp teeth showing. I shut my eyes trying to figure out how to escape from my bounds. I didn't want to be here anymore, I wanted to get away, run, break free of whatever this was. I opened my eyes to see the same ceiling, the faint electric buzz of the room filled my ears. I moved a leg and felt the restraints on them prevent further movement, as well as the warm weight of Rose. I looked around, I was somewhere else now.

Slowly I gathered my thoughts again and remembered I was in Tenpony tower to get help. Now more help than originally I had come here for. Probably more help than I had thought I needed last night. Rose stirred from my movement when I had tried to get up.

“Rose, could you go find Doctor Helping Hoof and get him to let me out. I really want to shower, if he needs somepony to keep an eye on me I am more than okay if you do. I just, I need to move around a bit, and my coat is practically a shell.” I said quietly so if she was awake she would hear it, but, if not she would keep sleeping.

She blinked at me a few times as her brain processed what was going on. The gears of her mind began to turn as the bonds of sleep fell away from her. I gave her a pleading smile, I knew it was wrong to try to emotionally manipulate my half asleep marefriend. But, in this case I wasn't going to do anything beyond what I told her I wanted to do. It isn't really bad when you are telling them exactly what you want to do and beg afterwards. Right?

“I'll go see if I can find him, don't go anywhere.” She said absentmindedly, then face hoofed and shook her head as her own mind seemed to remember the fact I was rather fully restrained and had no magic to free myself with. I nodded and let myself relax. The panic of the nightmare had still physically affected me, but, I had come out of the dream without a start, which was good. I think waking up with a start and essentially kicking my marefriend in the jaw would make anypony feel more comfortable letting me out yet.

Then again this wasn't a mental health ward, I had been badly hurt and had been treated for addiction. Then I had been in a coma so they wanted to make certain I didn't go off and screw myself up before they could talk to me. It made sense, and I didn't think that they were wrong for making such decisions. Their choices were right, I would have probably ended up hiding somewhere in the tower. First thought was go to Homage, she was the person I was closest to who lived in the tower. She lived away from everypony else and nopony really ever seemed to bother her up there.

I gently shook my head and focused on what I wanted to do right now. I wanted to stretch, get clean, and eat something. Probably cuddle up with Rose as well to rest some more. I still felt tired after sleeping. I heard the sound of two sets of hooves walking on the hard tile floor towards me and I forced myself to calm down as part of me suggested no matter who they were they wanted to do bad things to me. I knew the truth of it both ways, panic wouldn't help if it wasn’t true, and that it was in all likelihood two of very few ponies in the world who legitimately wanted to help me. It didn't stop the rising levels of panic, but, it did give me something to fight it down from my features. Calm, cool, collected. That is how I wanted to present myself, being of sound mind would earn me more points towards being let go.

“Seems you’re awake early, and you look better than yesterday.” Doctor Helping Hoof said after a moment of examining me. “Just a quick check up and we will get you moving around some. As much as you need rest, you need to move too. Don't want you to develop bed sores.”

I nodded as Helping Hoof checked me over, he seemed pleased. What surprised me was the lack of the notion of wanting to run. It seemed to only come over me when I heard voices in the distance that I couldn't quite make out, or when I heard something approaching me. It was pure paranoia that faded when reality could present itself and show the foolishness of the paranoia. It was damn annoying as I knew that in all likelihood I couldn't just remember that in the future for when it cropped up.

“Well you look to be in good shape, I informed Rose where and how to use the showers. Take your time and don't push your self. You are still rather weak, Moonlight.” Helping Hoof said with a voice full of sympathy as he undid my restraints. I sighed as I felt the constriction of my body lift one strap after another. Finally free I lifted my fore legs off the bed slowly to begin to stretch the unused muscles. The popping of my spine felt practically heavenly when I rolled onto my stomach to stretch.

“Much better.” I said with a pleasurable sigh.

“Must be for how you are looking back here.” Said Rose from behind me, I quickly flicked my tail to cover my nether's as I blushed.

I cleared my throat and addressed Doctor Helping Hoof.

“Which way to the shower, and if possible don't be near it for a while.” I said still blushing. He just smiled and pointed off in a direction which I followed. I made it about a third of the way there before my hind legs cramped mid stride and deposited my face on the floor and leaving my rump in the air. I bite back my tears and cry of pain. I felt myself lose weight and drift off the floor.

“Thanks Rose, not moving seems to have left my muscles prime to cramp up. Need hot water and a through massage.” I said through my teeth as I as I was set on Rose's back.

“We can do that, and you probably want it very through.” Rose joked as she walked.

“To be completely honest I want you to make me putty in your hooves. Then once I am all cleaned up I want to lay down on a soft sofa and rest my head on you.” I said taking in the sent of Rose's coat, finding comfort in the familiarity of it.

“I think I can manage that.” Rose said, I could hear the delight in her voice.

“Calm down, I don't want to fall off your back from your excitement.” I said before biting my lip as the Charley Horse in my legs got worse.

“Don't worry about it, we’re here.” Rose sung as I heard the turning of a valve and water started to run. “Should we take off your pipbuck?”

“No, it is waterproof and it doesn't feel dirty... Never mind let me open it up-” I sighed again.

“I know how to do it, I had enough time to read some manuals on them.” Rose said and I felt her remove my pipbuck and myself be placed in the path of the hot water. After a few minutes of soaking I felt Rose's hoofs start to go over me cleaning my coat and massaging my body. I let out a warm sigh.

“This is fucking euphoric.” I moaned as I failed at suppressing a moan of delight. “You don't know how good this feels, Rose.” All I got in response was a murmur of agreement.

Once I was thoroughly washed and massaged I returned the favor to Rose. It was both a way to return the favor as well as a good way to work my muscles some. It also helped melt away some of the lingering fears I had about the two of us. Still part of me worried that things had changed for the worse between us. As I turned off the water I looked at Rose, I still felt everything I had for her. I loved her in short, still did, and her saving me had re enforced that. I also had a vague feeling I knew what she felt when I had saved her.

“Thank you.” I said as I hugged Rose who was bringing over towels for us with her magic. I buried my face in her chest. I felt my eyes tear up as I felt Rose embrace me. It felt so warm and loving, like I finally had reclaimed a part of myself.

“Do... Are things alright between us still?” I asked after turning my head so I could speak without a mouthful of my marefriend's coat.

“They always were, weren’t they? Why? Are things not okay?” Rose asked quietly as she hugged me slightly tighter.

“Just, we didn't talk after New Appleloosa, and you seemed cross at me for what I did.” I let out a small sigh. “Though I now know why you were, or at least have some more respect of what you went through.”

“Oh, that...” Rose said quietly I looked up at her to see her gaze distant and her face pensive.

“If things are alright, they are alright. I am going to voice anything that isn’t alright between us. I kind of want you to do the same, and not be vague so I have some clue as to  what I am dancing around. I want things to work between us, I don’t want to hurt you, you are worth too much to me.” I said and then nuzzled her chest some, and received a kiss to my horn.

“I'll try. Because you are worth a lot to me as well.” Rose said, with that she proceed to dry both of us before we returned to the clinic. “I do have a few things to attend to around Tenpony so I will be back in a few hours. After that I will show you our room.”

“Alright, I will just find a good book if my session with Helping Hoof ends before you return. Rather not lose a fortune on paying someone to tell me where our room is.” I said with not an unnoticeable hint of dislike for how many caps greased the wheels of Tenpony.

“Don't worry, our caps are safe, Ruby knows how to work the system here.” Rose said with a smile.

“Oh shit, did Ruby lose anything due to those slaves getting me?!” I asked in a sudden panic.

“No, in fact she has more to sell thanks to clearing them out.” Rose said with a laugh.

“Oh, well okay then.” I said feeling a bit foolish with my panic. “Um... yes take me back to Helping Hoof.”

With that she guided me back to Helping Hoof's office from the communal showers. I figured those had been installed long ago either for dealing with magical mishaps or ponies who were in a crunch and couldn't afford to go home. Either way it was nice to have had a hot shower and a damn fine massage. It also didn't hurt that things were fine between me and Rose. For now at least, things had changed a bit at least in how I was going to handle her. Once back to Helping Hoof's office Rose took off to go do whatever it was she needed to take care of. In the mean time I prepared myself to get emotionally battered and reduced to a pile of quivering pony flesh. To say the least I didn't expect to keep myself fully together.

“So are you ready, Moonlight?” Helping Hoof said as I lay on the sofa in his office. I hadn't had to wait long before he was ready to see me.

“As ready as I can be. Just worried about how bad I might get. Which isn't helping and is rather ironic now that I think about it.” I said rubbing my chin with a hoof.

“Good, if you can see things like that it will help you work through it.” Helping Hoof said with a smile.

“So I just need to think about things and put my willpower behind finding the absurdity of it?” I asked, if that was the case, well I am good at thinking. Or at least I like to think I am good at thinking.

“More or less, you need to step back and identify what is going on. But, I reckon anxiety isn't the only issue you have.” Helping Hoof said crossing his forelegs.

I bit my lip, I had admitted it to myself last night, but, it was hard. It was hard to admit something so shameful. Helping Hoof looked infinitely patient with me as I fought to form the words in my mouth.

“I kind of enjoyed it.” I said quietly.

“And you don't like that you did. Do you think that you are less of a pony for trying to stay sane, to hang onto something in a bad situation?” He asked, and I mulled over what he said.

“Shouldn't I feel horrible, I should have hated it. I should try to block it out.” I said looking at my forelegs, not meeting the eyes of Helping Hoof.

“You shouldn't feel horrible unless you did something wrong. You did what you could to make the best of things. You survived better than you thought possible. I don't see what is wrong with that.” Helping Hoof said in an even tone, no judgment hidden within his voice.

“But... I got into it, I accepted it with legs spread wide!” I shouted, then blushed at both I shouted at him and what I said hit me. “I! I mean...” I trailed off and ended just giving a dejected sigh. He just sat there waiting for me to continue. I instead started to cry, to choke on my gasps for air. “I fucking enjoyed it, I enjoyed it like I was a mare in heat! What the fuck is wrong with me that I enjoyed being used! I just fucking let them do it, I didn't fight, I didn't struggle, I just accepted it and went in fully. I revealed in it! I, fucking, revealed in getting plowed by my captors. How the fuck is that okay! How can I be okay with myself having done that!”

“Obviously you aren't okay with the fact. So I ask you this, what are you going to do about it?” Helping Hoof asked, irritating me with his calm voice.

“I don't know, what can I do about it, I enjoyed it. The ponies behind it are gone thanks to Rose and the rest. What can I do?” I said as I deflated lowering my head to rest on the sofa itself.

“So what is there left to do?” Helping Hoof asked, sending my mind into trying to find the solution to his question.

What was there left to do? I mouthed to myself. The question needed an answer, for me far more than for Helping Hoof. Helping Hoof was just a tool of which to use to prompt me to think in the right way to correct my thought processes. He was to ask the questions that I couldn't come up with, to challenge me to come up with the answers I needed, but, had no way of asking myself.

“To accept it?” I offered, feeling the words strange on my tongue.

“To accept what?” Helping Hoof countered.

“To accept that I enjoyed the drug fueled rape factory where I was fucked over and over against my actually desire by stallion after stallion and enjoyed it. That I get off to any sexual pleasure of myself.” I said, it didn't feel like me, it felt like somepony else said it and I was just an observer watching it play out, and at the same time that it was me I was saying it. It was like the first time he had taken me. I felt stretched out between my body and the other place where I watched from.

“Are you alright, Moonlight?” Helping Hoof asked, I could hear the hint of worry in his voice.

“I feel strange, I feel myself, yet like I am watching myself.” I said, the bizarre feeling intensifying as it felt like I was stretched further between the two viewpoints.

“Have ever you felt this before?” Helping Hoof asked, ignoring the fact I was feeling this way in the first place.

“When they first had me, it ended up feeling like this, and continued on. When I think back, I feel like this, I remember two viewpoints. One of it happening to somepony else, the other... the other being that it was me there, enjoying it, begging to be fucked harder. For another hit, for more Dash, more Ment-Al's, more Buck, more whiskey.” I started to shake as I fought back my own anger at myself, my loathing of self for having enjoyed it. I don't want to be some whore of a mare who flaunts her plot towards anything that she thinks can pleasure her. I don't want to become a drug addict. I just want to help the wasteland.

“Are you worried that is who you are? Because I have to say, you seem rather in control of yourself to be who you worry about being.” Helping Hoof said as I looked up at him through my tear blurred vision.

“I am worried I will degenerate into that given the chance again. I doubt in my strength to keep myself from tossing myself away.” I said as I covered my eyes with my hooves. “I hate myself for having the possibility of becoming that, I hate myself for having become that so easily. I hate myself for enjoying being pleasured by ponies other than my marefriend. I hate myself... For not being strong enough to resist it, to resist the wasteland in a moment of weakness.”

“Moonlight, when you went to the showers with Rose, did you do anything sexual with her there?” Helping Hoof asked, I balked at the question.

“NO! I mean, no, we didn't, it didn't even cross my mind. It felt so good to be close again, to just do something together. I felt cared for, I felt loved, and that is all I wanted. It was what I needed.” I said quietly.

“So you aren't some sexual deviant needing sexual pleasure at every turn. What about drugs, did you ask Rose for anything, did she give you anything. Did you steal anything, don't worry I won't be upset about it, addiction is never easy to overcome. Everypony has a hard time with it.” Helping Hoof said with a upturned fore hoof and a look of sympathy on his face.

“No, I didn't, it didn't cross my mind at all.” I gave a small laugh. “Rose gives me a high greater than anything else I have ever had the misfortune of being on just by me thinking about her.”

Helping Hoof smiled at this, there was an unexpected warmth in it.

“Sorry, I just like hearing about the joys of being in love. You are in it for her, not the sex, but, her. You love her, you feel it when you think about her. She is something you can hold onto when things get bad. I would guess to some extent you did that while the slavers had you, didn't you?” Helping Hoof said, I nodded remembering forcing myself to believe it was Rose and not all the others who violated me. To make it just that bit more bearable.

“I tried as hard as I could to never look at them, to imagine it was her and not them.” I shuddered remembering the last moments of being there, of the false world I had constructed being shattered as Rose killed the stallion who was rutting me as he finished. “It kind of fell apart at the end. Though that might have been for the best in the end.”

“Why do you think it might have been for the best?” Helping Hoof inquired.

“Because if forced me to realize the reality of the situation. It forced me out of the delusional I had forced myself into. I would have had to face it someday, why not then, when it was the most fresh, when nopony would have to lie to me about what really happened. Lie to me in hopes of keeping me from falling apart under the weight of reality. The sick and twisted reality that is just as poisoned as the land itself.” I said feeling a heavy weight in my chest.

“Do you think a lot about the world, the state it is in?” Helping Hoof asked, seeming to want to pull me away from the previous subject so I could compose myself a bit. It was nice that he didn't want me to completely fall apart. Then again if I completely fell apart it would put a stop to addressing things until I was together again.

“I do, there isn't much to think about when walking between towns. My Eyes Forward Sparkle from my pipbuck tells me when others are around, and if they are hostile. Hay, it is winter now, nopony wants to be outside so I can do what I did when walking to the coast from Fillydelphia. I can put my muzzle in a book and read while walking. Or I can just reflect on the world, try to figure out what to do next, where to go next. I can reflect on my goals and any progress I have made towards them. Most of the time that progress is rather close to none.” I said with a sigh, remembering how very little progress I had made to taking out Slate and his army, or kicking Red Eye's sorry flank out of Seamane.

Helping Hoof just nodded and thought to himself as I forced myself through a calming technique passed down my family line for generations. Admittedly it had never helped me calm down, but, it had helped when I had shortness of breath from hyperventilating. As it was I got a small smile out of Helping Hoof.

“Moonlight, having had this happen to you, does it change any of your plans? Knowing others might capture you and do the same, or possibly worse?” Helping Hoof finally asked.

I sat there and thought. I thought for a long time about that. Did it really change anything in the long run? Not really was the answer that finally came to me. While I now would try to be more careful of keeping an eye on what was going on around me, really it changed my approach to combat and scavenging. It didn't change what I wanted to do, just how I would go about a few things when I would be most vulnerable. So long as I had a way to fight that gave me good odds of living I wouldn't have to ever surrender.

“No, I have to be smarter now, I didn't keep an eye on my E.F.S. and ended up having a gun pointed at my head in no way to turn the tables. I got unlucky and had been stupid. Two things that are bound to make you dead or have worse happen to you in the wasteland.” I said feeling more confident.

“What of your anxiety, your fear of losing control over what is happening to you?” Helping Hoof, I remembered he did have psychology training and probably knew all the signs for it. Or maybe he had made a stab in the dark when he first heard what happened to me.

“Energy to use against it happening, paranoia to keep me on watch for things. I weapon to keep myself from becoming too careless. One though that still needs to be tempered in a forge, to be shaped on an anvil, to be quenched in oil so that it might withstand the strain of combat, of being in the field.” I said, enjoying the forging analogy a bit too much.

“But, it could be a double edged sword. Your paranoia could lead you to harm someone you care about. You could lose yourself to thinking that the voice you hear isn't Rose, but, is some slaver or raider on the other side of the door planning on how to get you. Do you think that is something you can rely on?” Helping Hoof challenged.

“I... No, that is a weapon that is too dangerous to use. It should be melted down and used for something else, recycled into something better. If it has the cost of harming somepony I love, it isn't worth it.” I said with a finality to myself.

“What if the only possible harm was to yourself?” Helping Hoof asked holding a hoof out with the bottom of it face up like he was holding an invisible apple in it, or grenade.

“If it helps, but, it doesn't hurt anypony except for me, what is the problem? I choose if I use it or not, and there is no problem if it hurts only me. Nopony else suffers for it except for myself. Even then it would be only if the cost was outweighed by the usefulness.” I said, raising an eyebrow at Helping Hoof wondering what he was getting at.

“How far would you be willing to go in sacrificing for the cost of something useful?” Helping Hoof asked, this time a more serious note in his voice that he tried to cover, his features slightly tensing.

“I would never throw my life away. Even if it guaranteed something massively beneficial to everypony. I want to help ponies, I want to fix the world, but, what good is it if I am dead. I don't get to enjoy the world I helped make, I don't get to enjoy the fruits of my labor. Call me selfish, but, I want to see the Sun again, the clouds gone, the radiation wiped away. I want to see ponies come out of this dark age we have been in for the past two centuries. And I want to see it with Rose.” I said, and noticed I was standing on the sofa, shaking again, this time in anger.

“So then, let me ask you this, one last question then we can take a break for now. What do you consider the right option for dealing with emotional scarring and mental trauma?” Helping Hoof asked, his features looking more relaxed again, his voice calm and welcoming again.

“They are like any serious injury or illness. Go see a doctor who knows how to deal with it and get it dealt with as quickly as you can so you can begin the process of healing. A bigger note to that is don't self diagnose, you are biased, you will overblow or under sell certain things. One doesn't always tell them self the truth.” I said flatly as I sank back down onto the sofa, Helping Hoof gave a nod of agreement.

“Then you are remarkably more sound of mind than most would expect after what you have been through as a whole. Not just in the past week, but, everything that Rose has told me. I will help you learn how to work through your anxiety, to deal with it in positive ways. If there is anything that bothers you about yourself or anything else feel free to tell me during our sessions. Everything you say to me I am required to keep between us. Well unless it puts somepony else in danger who doesn't deserve it.” Helping Hoof said before getting up, I started to rise and he motioned to me to stay put. He returned a few minutes later with lunch for both of us. My stomach growled and reminded me I hadn't eaten as of yet today. Helping Hoof smiled as he clearly heard it. “A healthy appetite is a good sign of recovery.”

I dug into the food with vigor, it had been too long since I had a proper meal. Three days of a coma and I barely could remember if I had ate anything. I knew I had drank a few things, most of it not being something that a pony normally drinks for hydration. Hay, the closest thing I could remember to a proper substance for consumption I had there was the whiskey. Speaking of which I felt that I could really go for some of the stuff. I finished the food and the bottle of water that was set in front of me.

“Hey, how long do I have to stay away from alcohol?” I asked Helping Hoof, who blinked in confusion for a second processing both the fact that I had acted like a vacuum cleaner to my food as well as my questioning about alcohol.

“Well since you didn't have a dependance on it and I am guessing from the look on your face it isn't about drinking away your sorrows you should be fine tomorrow in doing so. I also have news about your horn Operation. I am signing you off as being mentally okay for it. If you wanted we could have it done today.” Helping Hoof said, I blinked, by the end of the night it was possible that I would know whither or not if I could ever us my magic again.

“Yes.” I simply said, I was jumping on this as hard as I could. I wanted that part of me back. The part of me that had been gone for two weeks. Helping Hoof simply nodded and left. I was going to be whole again if this worked. I wouldn't feel like a part of me had been lost, like if I had lost a leg, or a lung. A weight I hadn't noticed that was on me felt lifted, not fully, but, enough to know that I had been stuck under it for a while.  It didn't fully leave as there was still the chance that the operation wouldn't completely work, or work at all.

It was a chance I was willing to take as what was on the table was a part of me. A part of me that was very essential to my view of myself. While I wasn't amazing at doing magic, hay, I was pretty much limited to the use of backwards engineered spells and basic telekinesis it was still a part of my identity. It was something that defined me in the eyes of myself and others. I was a unicorn, I was expected to be able to do magic. It was like how being a mare was part of who I was. If I lost my magic I might as well be a small weak earth pony stallion. It wouldn't matter how you changed me once I lost my magic, I was a completely different pony without it. Like when I had been dyed black by that sentient ooze, or as Rose liked to call it, smooze. I had lost a bit of who I was. I didn't look like myself. However, I was still me, just, not quite myself completely. That had been a simpler fix, a bath in industrial solvent followed up by a bath in perfume, shampoo, and conditioner. I let out a small laugh, I kept on having to go to Tenpony to reclaim myself. I couldn't rely on that after today. It was too far of a trip to do regularly whenever something of me broke. I needed to find somepony else in and around Seamane to do it instead. Somethings like magical horn operations would stick in the realm of here I knew, but, beyond that really I should be able to find somepony to cover the rest of what could go wrong with me.

Rose walked in at some point while I was inside my own head.

“It is time to get ready, Moony.” Rose said with a smile. “It is good to hear what Helping Hoof said about you and the operation.”

I smiled at her and gave her a hug. “I maybe hurt, but, it won't slow me down for long. I want to be healthy, nopony is stigmatizing me for being ill. I can't imagine a world where it would be okay to mock someone for being depressed or mentally unwell. It is like making fun of someone for having a bad cough, or a broken leg and wanting to get help for it. It is wrong and they should feel horrible for it.”

“Positive outlook on things while having a scathing view about somepony else for something nopony would disagree with you on hating them for? You must be feeling better.” Rose cooed at me with a smile on her face. “I will have to ask them how long until you can perform physically intense activities again.”

I blushed hard, hey, I think my cheeks smoldered. Actually they did smolder a bit from the look on Rose's face and the fact we both smelled smoke.

“Oh dear... I think my magic might be trying to get out a different way... Lets... lets keep from getting my emotions too far in any direction. I don't want to see what a magical equivalent of a muscle cramp or Charley Horse is like. I fear nopony exists anymore that could counter the pure wellspring of magical power that might come out.” I said with a shudder at feeling the magical energy that kept building up, but, couldn't release. If one thought about ones magic like a muscle this was a situation of having abused it to the point of failure, then after it had healed then decided to not use it. Right now I had what equated to magical bed sores, that, if not taken care of, would result in magical cramps or worse.

“Alright, but, once that is dealt with. I want to show you how much I love you and am willing to go for you. Beyond running deep into enemy territory to save your find plot from nasty slavers.” Rose said with a slight laugh, I laughed with her, a warmth filling me again as the surge of magic calmed down resuming the faint pressure that I had grown to ignore.

“Then, lets get this done, no point in delaying now. We have come from a bit away's away to not get my damn horn fixed.” I said to Rose as we got me laid down on the operating table. I honestly had never seen one before, which was probably a good thing. As it was I was rather relaxed and ready to get this done. I felt that we had enough things getting in the way of us working on getting the MASEBS towers online in Seamane. As well as the longer I was in the Equestrian Heartland the more chances for those loyal to Red Eye to find me. After all they did like the heartland a lot.

“Alright, Moonlight, I am going to put this mask on you and you will count backwards from ten.” Said Helping Hoof who had arrived while I was distracted. He put the mask on over my muzzle and I began to count backwards as instructed. I made it to three before I passed out.

Okay, one thing I now knew about being put under with drugs, it fucking sucked. I felt nauseous, light headed, and badly dehydrated. I taped the E.F.S. button on my pipbuck to get the time and was doubly surprised when it happened. First because I had forgotten to have Rose put it back on, and that even though I hadn't asked or insinuated I wanted her to do so, she had put it back on. Checking the time I saw it was about three in the morning. I got out of my bed and sat on the floor drinking from the bottle of water left on the table next to my bed. The water helped a little. I knew I would be alone for a while so I decided to stretch a bit. All this time laid or tied up hadn't done me any good.

After a while of stretching and mulling over options I had tossed out the idea of heading up to Hoofington to hit up Megamart for some large weapons. As much as I would love to adopt the stratagem of overwhelming firepower to crush all before me I felt it would end up being a pain in the ass to do with the cost of ammo. Instead I would focus on magical energy weapons instead of finding a howitzer to strap to my back. Though I still really liked the idea of having a howitzer on my back.

Either way Energy weapons would be easier to keep ammo for as I could easily adapt or recharge spent energy cells or magical spark batteries with a bit of time or a fire. I also enjoyed the fact that energy weapons seemed to be more effective at penetrating armor than regular bullets. Of course there were two major issues with relying on energy weapons solely. First being they weren't stealthy as they were bright as hell when they fired, second they basically drew a line right back to the user when fired. I really needed a good silent weapon to keep on me, a silenced pistol and my knife were a good option, though I doubted putting a silencer on This Gun or That Gun would do much good.

I let out a sigh and shoved the thoughts to the back of my mind. I would work on my armory later. I knew though I would need to get my hooves on something powerful again, and lighter than the rocket launcher I was carrying still. I frowned and remembered I needed to stock up on some more rockets for it. Worse case situation of the unbound would be that the Cazadors didn't go to sleep during the cold winter, or die off. In that situation a rocket launcher would be nice for collapsing tunnels hosting their nests of them.

I checked the time again as I finished doing a light workout of using muscle against muscle. It was still hours until it was a reasonable hour for anypony to be awake. So I decided either I would find a nice big window to sit in front of and wait for dawn or find a way onto the roof. I left a note as to where I would be, I doubted anypony would have a hard time finding me once they got a hold of Rose since she had my tag always on anymore on her pipbuck.

It didn't take me long to find what I wanted, it was an isolated area away from the main walkways of the tower. I stood there looking out through a large window facing south. The view was dark as one would expect at this hour, but, sitting there facing towards home was all I needed. While I didn't have the wind in my mane or a comforting leg around my shoulders this was relaxing, calming. I didn't feel what had been dragging me down since my magic had left me. While it would be a bit until we knew how or if the operation was successful still the operation was done.

Though, now was the hardest part, waiting.

I kind of sucked at waiting for something that I was anxious about. So after a few minutes of sitting there I began to experiment with manipulating my magic. Nothing focused or with a high amount of energy to it. More of just testing to see if it would respond at all. I opened my eyes to see the faint glow of my magic around my horn. I jumped into the air as I let go of my magic to let my horn rest.

“Yes!” I shouted over and over again excitedly. This felt better than when I had gotten my meaningless cutie mark!

I was thankful once I stopped shouting that I had found a rather secluded and apparently abandoned part of Tenpony. Well okay not abandoned, but, nopony lived near this spot. I sat quietly staring out at the city watching as slowly the world lightened as the winter sun rose above the ever present clouds. My meditative state was finally broken by my stomach growling. I hadn't eaten and had been up for a while. Hay, it was about time for others to start waking up so I should get headed back to the clinic. I focused again and lite my horn with my midnight blue aura, smiling as pain nor exhaustion took hold of me in doing so.

“We are back in business Moonlight.” I whispered to myself as I turned and headed back to the clinic.

Upon entering the clinic I was greeted to Helping Hoof coming out of his office.

“Needed to stretch my legs a bit, and get a change in scenery. Only so long I can stand staring at the ceiling of this place.” I said, he nodded as I went back to the bed I had woken up on. I crumpled up the note with my hooves as I sat down and awaited for the inevitable post operative check up. After a few minutes Helping Hoof did come over and gave me a check up. I seemed to be recovering perfectly from the operation. I let him know about the fact that I could access my magic again and of the bit of testing I did of it. He seemed pleased of the results, but, I was to let my horn heal naturally for the next few days only using magic when the threat of a uncontrolled surge happening. I nodded and had my breakfast.

An hour later Rose came to collect me and we went back to the hotel room that she had been staying in. The room was nice, not as nice as what residents of the tower got, but, it was very comfortable none the less. She left a few times to meet with Ruby while I rested and read some books that Rose had kindly thought to get for me. Quite a number of them on hoof to hoof combat and use of melee weapons, I think she was trying to give me a hint. I also tackled some more of the giant primer on magic that I had gotten from her in Colt. I also read over some more about energy weapons as I was going to be relying on them more. I also took the time to do some maintenance on my weapons, while they hadn't gotten much more use to warrant it I understood the finer workings of magical energy weapons allowing me to fix them up a bit more.

Over the next few days Rose and I spent a bit of time together, most of it was just enjoying each others company. Though once I mentioned something about Homage again I was forced to introduce the two of them. They both enjoyed teasing me and got along rather well. I also got to gleam a few things about Rose's past, she hadn't been a slave her entire life, before Raiderville had been Raiderville she had lived there. Her family had been raising her much like mine had, teaching her about how to survive the wasteland and make it on her own. When raiders took over her town her parents had been captured as well, and eventually escaped or vanished. Rose considered them dead and the issue closed. With how calmly she talked about it she seemed to have come to terms with the subject years ago.

After the fourth day of healing Lifebloom sent for me and we went to the roof of Tenpony tower. It was a cold day, the wind was blowing as always with the roofs of tall buildings. It was just Rose, Lifebloom, and myself. I had the good sense to put on my scarf and long coat of the riot armor.

“Why the hay are we up here Life Bloom?” I called over the constant howl of the bone chilling wind.

“A simple test of your magic, but, considering how destructive some ponies magic can be this was the only option available. If it wasn't for your feats of magic down south a few weeks ago we would be inside. As it is, I want you to test your magic in every way you can. See how much you can channel at once, as well as how well you can control it. Also see how deep your wellspring is.” Lifebloom called to me over the wind. We were standing only a few feet apart yet the wind was just that loud.

I nodded and stepped away from everypony and towards the edge of the tower. If I was going to pull out that much energy I wanted to have a safe direction to unleash the energy if I lost control.

“Stay back, this is going to get bright and hot really fast! I don't want to turn anypony to ash if I can help it!” I cried out as I closed my eyes and focused on pouring my magical energy into a tiny point of flame. Unlike when fighting the ice pony constructs or the Wendigo this was to focus as much energy into a tiny point as possible and prevent it from firing in any direction. After a few minutes I felt the heat pushing against me and the wind started to calm. I formed a magical matrix to contain the spell to let me then focus on letting out the energy into the tiny orb of fire.

“Moonlight, you can stop whenever you want to. Don't push yourself to burnout!” Called Life Bloom, I gave a slight nod as I felt the heat begin to increase and the air around me started to stagnate then flow towards the spell. I opened my eyes and looked at the orb of light above me, it was like a blow torch's flame suspended in the air. I manipulated the containment matrix condensing the fire into a tiny dark blue orb, the heat from it making the air shimmer wildly.

I started to feel the containment matrix fail and I adjusted directing an opening towards the ocean. I cut my magic feeding it as the magical beam of fire lanced out and the heat of the ray melted all the snow and ice on the rooftop. The beam itself faded out probably fifty feet away. I panted as I was suddenly overheated from the energy's release.

“I think your horn is fully healed.” Lifebloom managed after a few moments as Rose helped me too my hooves that I hadn't noticed I collapsed from.

“You think? I hate to have seen what something would have looked like after receiving a blast like that.” I said as I wiped the sweat from my brow and my hoof brushed my horn. “Huh, that didn't hurt.”

“Your horn isn't hypersensitive anymore?” Lifebloom asked.

“Yeah, I guess I am good to get back to work then. Slate and Red Eye beware.” I said with a grin on my face.

“Indeed, I am glad to see the operation was a full success. Payment has been handled already so you are free to leave at your leisure.” Lifebloom said with a smile on his face. He had gotten to see first hoof, and probably also worked on the operation itself. A operation that hadn't been done since before the war by anypony in Tenpony.

“Rose, I need to talk to Ruby. You mentioned something about her going up to Hoofington to do a run to Megamart?” I asked to Rose as we descended back into Tenpony itself and headed back to the hotel, giving a nod to Lifebloom as he left to wherever he worked in the tower.

“Yes, why do you want to go with them?” Rose asked.

“Hell no, not to that city. Plus I don't want to go by Fillydelphia if possible.” I answered.

“Then why do you need to ask her about Hoofington.” Asked Rose, looking a bit confused.

“How many caps do we have? Because I am planning on paying her to pick us up some powerful weapons when she goes up there. Then have her drop them off in Dune City for us to pick up after we go through the Unbound.” I said as we got to our room opening the door with my magic, loving the fact I had it back.

“I don't know how well she will go for that, and you really are enjoying having your magic back aren't you?” Rose said with a chuckle.

“Well lets go ask her, and yes I am enjoying having my magic back, it is like having a leg regrow after it got cut off.” I said with a smile as I pulled off my scarf and grabbed one of the bags of caps we had in my saddlebags. “Huh, that seems to be a lot more caps than I remember us having.”

“We got paid rather well for helping Ruby get up here. Apparently prices go through the roof when you are one of the few ponies bringing in anything.” Rose said with a smile on her face.

“Well then, now I feel better about how much we are probably going to have to drop on this.” I said with a smile on my face as I tossed the bag of caps in my right hoof.

“Drop on what?” Ruby said from the still open door of our room.

“I don't want to go to Hoofington. Everything everypony has told me about that place scares the living hay out of me.” I explained. “You were planning on going there after I healed up, right?”

“Yes I was, and if you aren't I am guessing you are paying me to get you something while I am up there?” Ruby queried, already starting to change her posture to what I recognized as that of a sales pony ready to work on a deal.

“Depending on the price of having you do it, unless you can calm my fears about how bad it is in that city.” I said as I set the bag of caps on the floor then put my hoof atop of it.

“Well trust me, the enervation is rather thin with the route we take in Hoofington. Given the time of year expect raiders to be rather thin as well. Main issue with be Reapers and the gangs that work under them.” Ruby said.

“Right, do you really trust your life with that route. What if something has changed since last time. You yourself said that somepony else ran the route anymore, right?” I said as I sat down, my legs still recovering.

“I got an updated route when we were in Colt, it is the closest thing to real time information we will get in this day and age.” Ruby retorted.

“Fine, what is my cut then, because I am planning on buying some serious firepower if I go with you.” I said and waited for her make her offer.

“Here is the thing we are going to make a ton of caps, we always do on runs between Hoofington and Tenpony. I split you in for fifty percent of it if you do what you did last time without getting captured.” Ruby said with a grin on her face.

“What is the prospective take then?” I asked, if she was willing to give away fifty percent the amount of caps was going to be staggering.

“Twenty five thousand caps.” Ruby replied coolly.

“Well... damn, what are we talking to them, bars of gold?” I half jokingly asked, given it was Tenpony I could expect that to be what we carried back from Hoofington to sell here.

“No, though might be on the return trip to Tenpony. Just got some valuables that the Society out there will pay a hoof and a leg for. As well as some nice tech that the eggheads out there will fight over.” Ruby said again with that coolness that made me remember she was a seasoned sales pony.

I let out a sigh.

“I swear we are walking into a city that is basically Tartarus unleashed on Equestria, and that is coming from a pony who has walked through Canterlot.” I bemoaned as I accepted Ruby's offer. The amount of caps we were going to make was too hard to resist, winter was going to be here for a few months more, and I was going to be able to get some big guns. It was a annoying hard offer to resist, even if I was walking into a city I really didn't want to go to. But, she said she had reliable information on the route, and that we wouldn't have too much harassment thanks to the cold. So further north we would be going starting tomorrow.

“Well then, see you in the morning then Ruby.” I said as I closed the door behind her. We ended up writing out a physical contract, it was simple enough, but, it was a formality with the fact that she needed to have it on record for when we got back to Colt. As the contract stated I was a member of her company until we returned to Colt. I was also designated cargo carrier. It was going to be a fun trip if I had to carry back a ton of gold bars.

Footnote: 19% to next level.

Quest Perk Added: Rad Regeneration: When being exposed to radiation your bones will automatically begin to heal, the more radiation the faster they heal. This does not grant a immunity to radiation poisoning however.

Quest Perk Added: Iron Horn: Due to the abuse, mutations, and magical surgery your horn is now far harder than a normal unicorns. As such your head in general is fifty percent harder to cripple and your horn is neigh unbreakable to regular blunt force.