Confessions of an Elder Godby TheTobacconistChaptersTwilight Tells a JokeWorking on the FarmGods ConverseSelf-referralHead in the CloudsTwilight Tells a Joke"And so I said 'don't you mean rhombus'?" Twilight laughed over her tea in the breakfast nook of the library. "Oh, Twilight, that joke went a little over my head," Pinkie Pie raised her hooves, "But you tried, and trying is important. So I'm gonna give a big thumbs up!" "Thumbs up?" Twilight stared at her friend, "What's that?" "This!" Pinkie pie raised her hoof and an odd jointed growth jutted from it, "It means good job! Unless you're doing it ironically, which is just really mean. Because you should be sincere when you're around friends. Because if you aren't then you might hurt their feelings, and that's one of the quickest ways-" "Pinkie, what in Tartarus is that?" Twilight sputtered, "Where did it come from?" "Do you really want to get into this again?" Pinkie chuckled, "Because last time we did this you really got worked-" "No," Twilight slammed her forehooves on the table and ranted, "I'm tired of you dodging these questions. No more ranting until you make me just give up. You pull hats out of nowhere. I don't even know where you keep all those mustaches. You made a flying machine that shouldn't even work. Don't even get me started on your 'Pinkie Sense'. I'm tired of everything you do making no sense." "Do you really want to know?" Pinkie questioned, "Because sometimes ponies say they want to know things, but then I get in trouble for it. Like this one time Sweetie Bell asked me where fillies come from. And I showed her with a few diagrams I had stashed in case of diagram emergencies. And then Rarity wouldn't talk to me for like three hours! It doesn't sound like much, but that's a really long time to not speak to a friend. But I guess that was ok, because a little while later she invited me over for a chat. And it was really nice getting to chat with her after all those hours. Though it was a little more serious than I wanted, it wasn't really a chat it was more of a lecture. Which is kind of funny because with those glasses on she has kind of a sexy professor thing going on. She didn't like it when I pointed it out though. I mean, I meant it as a compliment But she lectured me on the importance of the innocence of foalhood, and asked why I would even have a diagram to explain the isosceles lock, and why would I even show that to a filly. So I-" "Pinkie!" Twilight yelled. Pinkie drummed her fingers on the table. "See!" Twilight screamed, "That, that is exactly what I am talking about!" "What are you talking about?" Pinkie Pie asked as she stroked her beard thoughtfully. "Stuff like that!" Twilight sputtered. "Like what?" Pinkie Pie ate her beard, "Ooh, that's sweet." "The constant reality bending stuff," Twilight fumed, "The exact reason you are able to do all this." "Do you really want to know?" Pinkie Pie beat the thumb back down into her hoof. "For the last time, yes!" Twilight groaned. "I was the firstborn of the planet," Pinkie answered. "What," Twilight stared as light began to contort around her friend. She seemed taller, and the room darker. "My hooves touched the soil when it was new," Pinkies voice deepened and became layered, as if it was echoing in a body many times its size, "I exist outside the confines of time and place. I have walked the universe and touched the stars. I have breathed life into that which was nothing. I tilled the ground when it was fresh. I have seen that which is from beyond the fourth wall, and brought joy to it's inhabitants. I have witnessed the primal iteration and reiterations of this world, and seen it in all its forms. I trampled the smooze beneath my myriad hooves. I see all things, touch all things, and know them down to their most intricate detail." "What!" Twilight leaned back. "I am the firstborn of creation," Pinkies voice returned to normal, "I just really like being a pony. Because when you're a pony everypony is nice to you, and cakes taste sweeter, and you get to have adventures with friends, and princesses don't try to imprison you in stone, and you get to live in a cupcake, and no one asks questions when you just move into someone else's house, and when they do ask questions it's stuff like 'Hey Pinkie, can you handle the register for a little bit' or 'Pinkie, weren't you supposed to be watching the register'... I think I'm supposed to be at work right now actually, but I'm not really sure." "Oh, Celestia," Twilight rubbed her temples, "I should have never asked." "That's what you said last time, silly," Pinkie tapped her friend's forehead, "Time out!" Twilight's eyes crossed and she froze. She drooled a little bit onto the table. Pinkie walked to Sugar Cube Corner. "Hey Mr. Cake," Pinkie yelled as she walked in, "Could I have a few hours off, Twilight and I are doing something really fun." "Sure, Pinkie," Mr. Cake nodded. Pinkie Pie walked out and ran into Sweetie Bell. "Hi," Pinkie yelled. "Hey, Pinkie," Sweetie Bell muttered. "What's the matter?" Pinkie asked. "I just had a fight with Rarity again," Sweetie Bell pouted, "Why is she so crazy?" "Hold on," Pinkie reached into a hole in a tree, "I think I have a diagram that-" "No more diagrams!" Sweetie ran off, "No more!" "Huh," Pinkie scratched her head, "Weird." Pinkie walked back into the library, sat down, sipped her tea, and tapped Twilight on the head again. "And so I said 'don't you mean rhombus'?" Twilight laughed. "That's a little over my head Twilight," Pinkie Pie gave her a thumbs up, "But good try!" "Pinkie," Twilight's jaw hung low, "What is that?" Author's Note I imagine Pinkie would get bored after the hundredth repetition. Working on the Farm"So, Applejack, want to play?" Pinkie bounce alongside Applejack. "Not now, Pinkie," Applejack snapped, "I have to clear the west field before the storm comes." "Really?" Pinkie Pie looked across Sweet Apple Acres, "Which one's the west one?" "That un," Applejack pointed out with a hoof, "The one tah the west." "Are you sure that you have to do that?" Pinkie Pie asked, "Because sometimes when a pony says they have to do something, what they really mean is that they want to do something else. Like when I invited Rainbow Dash to make cupcakes, but she said she had to clear the clouds, but the sky was clear. And I thought, maybe she knew of that one iteration where making cupcakes means something completely different. Well, not completely different, but still completely different. Anyway it just turned out that she had Wonderbolt tickets. And I offered to go with her, but she said she made plans with somepony else, and then she was real secretive about who it was, like she was embarrassed or something. This isn't like one of those things, is it?" "No, Pinkie," Applejack hitched herself up to the cart, "I really have to clear the west field." "Oh," Pinkie Pie frowned, "Which one is that again?" "That un," Applejack pointed to the west field again, and stopped, "Where did all the apples go?" Pinkie Pie stood beside Applejacks full cart. "Play?" Pinkie asked, wagging her tail. "No, Pinkie," Applejack answered, "I have to get these into the barn." "Oh," Pinkie Pie deflated a little, "Which one?" "That un," Applejack pointed again, and felt a light rumbling. "Play?" Pinkie Pie peered down from the otherwise empty cart. "Damn it Winona- I mean Pinkie!" Applejack screamed, "I have too much tah do today." "What else did you have to do?" Pinkie Pie pouted. "Do I look like the kind of pony tah carry aroun' a list all day," Applejack thought for a moment, "Why don't yah go see if Twilight can play?" "Because Twilight doesn't really want to hang out much now," Pinkie answered, "She says that anytime she hangs out with me she loses all track of time. Which isn't really true, but anytime I try to explain it to her I end up having to reset the iteration of that event, because she just freaks out. And then she loses track of even more time, and I can't risk-" "Pinkie," Applejack put her hoof down, "You are friends with jus' about everyone in Ponyville. I'm busy. Can't you play with someone else?" "Yeah," Pinkie Pie teared up, "But I wanted to play with you." "Consarn it, Pinkie," Applejack threw her hat down, "Don't tug at mah heart strings like-" Pinkie Pie rushed and grabbed the hat in her teeth, and began running around Applejack. "Pinkie," Applejack said sternly, "Give me back mah hat." "Sowwee," Pinkie Pie spat it onto Applejack's head, "I mean, I kind of forgot that it was a family heirloom passed down to you after the tragic death of your father." "No, Pinkie," Applejack wrung the spit out of the hat, "It's just an old work hat. Nothin' special about it." "Oh," Pinkie Pie thought, "I must be confusing that tale with another iteration." "Really," Applejack put the soiled hat back on her head, "Why don't you go play with one of those other iterations." "But I already am," Pinkie answered, "I'm playing with all of the iterations of you, but you. And that's sad, because you're my favorite Applejack." "Pinkie," Applejack patted her on the head, "That is the most insane and heartwarmin' thing I've heard all day." "So," Pinkie Pie wagged her tail, "Play?" "I'm sorry sugarcube," Applejack adjuster her hat, "There's work to be done." "Can I help?" Pinkie asked. "Sure thing," Applejack began moving along, "We need to board up the windows on the house. Make sure there isn't a thing that can become a projectile. Sort the bumper crop yah just harvested. Get the pigs in the barn... but away from the apples! We need to get Winona inside. Tear down any loose limbs from the trees. And that should be about it." "That was a lot of work," Pinkie Pie wiped sweat off of her brow, "Can I have a drink before we play?" Applejack looked across her property. The fields were clear of debris, the pigs oinked inside the barn, the windows were covered in planks and nails, the trees were pruned, and Winona barked from inside the farmhouse. "Pinkie Pie?" Applejack leaned close to her and whispered, "Did yah do somethin' crazy like enslaving all of your mirror pool clones?" "No, silly," Pinkie Pie bounced and giggled, "I did something crazy like pulling pockets of other iterations where you had already done that work into existence. Except for the hat thing, I just picked it up. Like this-" Pinkie pie grabbed the hat in her teeth, shook it, and set it back down on Applejack's head -"The other stuff had already happened, I just let it be the way it was somewhere else but now it's also happened here. It's kind of like a copy paste thing, except sometimes when I do it this madpony with a blue box appears out of nowhere, and then I have to work extra hard at being a normal pony. I suppose I could just pull in a pocket of another iteration where he didn't show up, but he's always fun to be around. Except that one iteration of him, he's a meanie and a coward and a womanizer and a pegasus. Not that there's anything wrong with being a pegasus, he's just not normally a pegasus." "Pinkie," Applejack shook her head, "I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear any of that, and you're gonna pretend you didn't say any of it, all right?" "Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie Pie saluted, and immediately went back to wagging her tail, "Play?" "Pinkie," Applejack took her hat off her head and threw it into the field, "Fetch." "What?" Pinkie Pie stopped wagging her tail, "Was that a dog joke? I didn't really get it." Gods ConversePinkie Pie knocked on Fluttershy's cottage. "Hello," Discord opened the door like an old gull wing, "Oh, my favorite pony." "Hey, Discord," Pinkie Pie smiled, "Is Fluttershy home? Because I really wanted to talk to her. Not about anything in particular, I just thought that we hadn't talked in like three hours. And the last time I didn't talk to a friend for three hours it turned out that she was mad at me." "She's somewhere around here," Discord turned his face to show an empty socket, "If only I were keeping an eye on her." Pinkie Pie heard a shrill shriek. "She's in the shower, isn't she?" Pinkie Pie accused. Discord raised his eyebrows repeatedly and grinned. "Fluttershy!" Pinkie yelled over Discord's shoulder, "It's ok, because you're normally naked anyway. It's not like he can see anything he wouldn't otherwise." "Really, Pinkie," Discord crossed his arms, "I was watching out for her. What if she slipped in the tub? I am the portrait of a modern gentleman." He appeared in a frame over the couch, sporting a bow-tie, tailcoat, and top hat. Pinkie Pie responded by growing a mustache and placing a bowler hat on her head. Discord placed a monocle over his eye. Pinkie pulled on a smoking jacket and stuck a rose in the lapel. He hooked a pocket watch into the third button of his vest. She pulled out a riding crop. He snapped his fingers and saddle shoes appeared on his feet. "Oh, Discord," Pinkie Pie rolled on the floor laughing, "You're lucky that I'm really good at visual puns. Anybody else would have had to have read that to get it." "Cheaters," Discord pouted and slid out of the painting and reclined on the couch, "The jokes are basically spoon fed to them." "Don't say that!" Pinkie yelled, "If you do the author gets a thumbs down."- a growth spurted from her hoof again and she aimed it down- "And that's bad... somehow?" "Pinkie Pie, even to me that made no sense," Discord swooned and handed her a bouquet of roses, "I think I love you." "Not in this iteration," Pinkie objected, "There are only a few iterations where we're shipped, and those basically never update. Which, what is an update anyway?" Discord shrugged and tossed shriveled fruit in the air. "Ok, that one was a bit of a stretch," Pinkie Pie shook her head, "You have to space out the puns. Otherwise the story becomes convoluted. And then you just have random and chaotic things happening for no apparent reason, with no regard for any important details, and nothing makes any sense." Discord snapped his fingers, and fireworks shot from the floor, rendering in large glittering letters 'God of Chaos'. "Uhm," Fluttershy walked into the room in her bathrobe, "Discord, if you don't mind, would you please, uhm, avoid things that might set my cottage on fire. Please?" "Of course," Discord snapped his fingers and water spewed from the ceiling, knocking down the flames of the burning couch. "Bad!" Fluttershy quietly yelled and sprayed him with a water battle, "Bad god!" Discord flinched and tried to twist to dodge the liquid assault. "Fine," He groaned, snapped his fingers, and placed everything in its proper status, "I bet Pinkie enjoyed it." "Actually I was about to pull in a giant robot from another iteration to curbstomp you," Pinkie Pie frowned and then smiled, "But I guess I don't have to do that because all you needed was a little encouragement to do that right thing. With all the other iterations of you that have gone completely bonkers I can't risk it. Like that one iter- What's in that spray bottle anyway?" "Nothing," Discord answered. "Water," Fluttershy said at the same time. "Water," Discord answered. "Nothing," Fluttershy said at the same time. "Hmm," Pinkie Pie mentally poured through all iterations of this instant and found the one where she was told the truth, "Gross! Fluttershy, how could you even do that to a cockatrice?" Fluttershy mumbled something and handed Discord back his eye. Discord popped it back into his skull and began whistling and staring at the ceiling. Pinkie Pie put on the sternest face she could muster, which was really more of a slight frown. Not even a slight frown actually, but more like a halfhearted smile. "Did you want to do something, Pinkie?" Fluttershy asked. "Actually, I just wanted to talk to my two favorite friends in the whole world," Pinkie Pie said, "Which is a bit of an unfair thing to say, because what I really mean is that you're my friends, and you're my favorites because you're here right now. That way when I'm alone everyone is my favorite. And when I'm around everyone, everyone is my favorite. So that way, I treat everyone with equal favoritism." "What have you been up to lately?" Discord asked her. "Oh, the madpony in the blue box has been following me around lately," Pinkie smiled, "I like playing hide and seek with him, but he's really bad at it. I just hide in the dimensional rift for a while and he can never find me." "You have to be careful with that type, though," Discord said knowingly, "First it's all fun and games, and then you have them right where you want them. But then they use some technical jargon, use an obscure metaphor to justify it, and 'save the day'." "No, no, no," Pinkie Pie explained, "His metaphors don't work really well, but they're funny. Except when he explains how I'm destroying the 'fabric of reality'. I mean I've only been doing this since the beginning of time, and since time is meaningless, all the damage I've done has already been done." "What?" Fluttershy looked back and forth between the two. "I'm sorry," Discord looked down, "Pinkie is a-" "Baker!" Pinkie yelled, "Just a baker with a love of science fiction, and Discord and I were talking about some role playing we do on the weekends." Discord began backpedaling on a stationary bicycle formed entirely of letters. "Oh, come on," Pinkie yelled at him, "No one is even going to get that one." "I thought it was humorous," Discord pulled a bone from his left arm, "Eh?" "That one was just tacky," She raised some thumbtacks, "See! I can do lame puns that don't result in any furthering of the plot." "Excuse me," Fluttershy interrupted, "But, uhm, Discord doesn't have a routine, so, how do you have a schedule with him for the weekends?" Discord hopped back on the stationary bicycle. "He makes the weekends happen early... or late!" Pinkie answered. "I don't mind you having a secret, Pinkie," Fluttershy stated calmly, "But, uhm, please don't lie to me." "Lie," Pinkie Pie frowned and tears gushed from her face, "I'm a sham who's existed from the the beginning of time and only chooses to be a pony because being a god is boring." Discord opened an umbrella. "Oh," Fluttershy looked around, "I... I didn't need to know that." Pinkie Pie sniffled and tapped Fluttershy on the head. "Oh, Pinkie," Fluttershy smiled, "I didn't see you come in." "Discord let me in," Pinkie stated. "Not that doors mean anything to her," Discord commented. "What?" Fluttershy asked. Pinkie Pie tapper her on the head again. Fluttershy froze in place. Pinkie Pie crossed her hooves and glared at him. "Some other time then?" Discord hopped on a chair connected to a dish and covered in switches and levers. He dissipated from that point of reference. Pinkie Pie tapped Fluttershy on the head again. "Oh, Pinkie," Fluttershy smiled, "I didn't see you come in." "Actually I was just leaving," Pinkie hugged her, "I've been here a little longer than I meant to, and it's almost sundown. Bye!" Pinkie Pie walked out the door. Fluttershy looked at the sunset in confusion, "Where did the day go?" Self-referral"And then she just left," Fluttershy ended her story, "Twilight, do you think I'm going crazy?" "No, this stuff happens all the time when I deal with Pinkie," Twilight sipped her tea, "I've been trying to figure it out for a while now, but I just can't wrap my head around it." "I also noticed that, uhm," Fluttershy shifted in her chair, "Rainbow Dash loses track of time around Pinkie too." "Yeah, but that's Rainbow Dash," Twilight explained, "She probably just takes suffers from narcolepsy." "I still say we need to sit her down and have a chat with her," Rarity commented, "And it might be best if we keep snacks around. The poor girl can't think straight when she's hungry." They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in," Twilight called. "Really, darling," Rarity walked to the door, "That's not how you treat a visitor. You should open the door like a civilized pony-" She opened the door to let in Doctor Whooves-"Offer to take their coat if they have one-" She took the Doctor's coat-"And invite them to make themselves at home... and I suppose if they look mad you should either see them to the door or inquire as to any problems they might be having." The Doctor was covered head to toe in black marks that had previously been hidden by his tan overcoat. "Are you quite all right?" Rarity asked. "I seem to be having some issues tracking down a reality bending pony," The Doctor answered, "I was hoping to get a little help." "Of course, darling," Rarity leaned over to Twilight and whispered, "I'll distract him, you get a message to the hospital." "Actually, Rarity," Twilight whispered, "I think he's talking about Pinkie Pie." The Doctor walked around waving his sonic screwdriver against the walls. He knocked on them occasionally, and muttered to himself. "And he might be a little crazy," Twilight admitted, "But when I saw him earlier he seemed perfectly fine." "No," The Doctor commented, "This is my first time meeting you, but it might not be your first time meeting me. It's complicated." "What?" Twilight nearly yelled, "You invited me out on a date, and you completely forgot about it?" "No, no, no, no, no. No," The Doctor started moving his screwdriver across the bookshelves, "It just hasn't happened yet for me." Rarity handed a letter to Spike and whispered to him. He nodded and set it alight with his green flame. "Has your home always had a resonance of Elder God?" Doctor Whooves asked. "What? No!" Twilight yelled, "I mean I don't know. I suppose it could?" "Of course," The Doctor placed the sonic screwdriver into the Galifreyan pocket hidden in his collar, "Have any friends of yours been acting odd lately?" "No. Yes," Twilight shook her head, "I mean not any odder than usual." "I take it you mean one friend in particular," The Doctor watched Twilight's reaction and smiled to himself, "I bloody love being brilliant." Rarity nodded casually, wrote the word 'hurry' across a piece of paper and handed it to Spike. "He's not really that brilliant," An echoing voice came from somewhere in the kitchen, "He's just really old, so I guess he's wise, but not in a way that makes any sense. Which I guess Discord would like. Hey, mister, have you met Discord, he's really fun." The group looked around the kitchen but saw no one else. In their silence they heard a crunching noise coming from the cookie jar on the counter. The Doctor walked to it and lifted the lid. "Hi," Pinkie Pie thrust her head out and sprayed everyone with crumbs as she spoke, "What's up?" "Pinkie!" Twilight yelled, "What are you doing in there?" "I'm eating," Pinkie popped her head back in and emerged with a cookie, "Because Rarity said that I can't think straight when I'm hungry,-" She gobbled up the cookie- "and I need to be at my best if I'm going to be able to pull this off." "Pull off what?" The Doctor asked. "This!" Pinkie yelled and tapped him on the head, "Time out!" He froze in place. Pinkie jumped out of the cookie jar and threw him on her back. She ran out the door and into a blue box. "What just happened?" Twilight asked. Rarity sighed, "I don't rightly know anymore. I need my fainting couch." Pinkie ran her forehoof across the sleek controls of the Tardis, "Hi. It's been a while." She looked to the Doctor and tapped him on the forehead again. He blinked a few times and looked around. "Sexy," The Doctor yelled at the control panel, "Why would you let her in here?" "Because she has an amazing sense of humor," Pinkie Pie answered, "Unlike someponies I know." Pinkie Pie threw a lever. "What are you doing?" The Doctor yelled. "I'm going back in time," Pinkie Pie threw more switches, "Duh." "Do you even have any idea how to use the control panel!" He fumed. "Nope," Pinkie Pie beat on the console with a hammer, "And that's why this is going to work." "What!" The Doctor took the hammer from her, and began beating the control panel in the proper way and muttered, "Amateur." "I'm going to make this work the only way I know how," Pinkie answered, "By being funny." "What are you trying to do?" The Doctor asked. "Oh, not much really," Pinkie answered, "I'm just going to convince an Elder God to change the very fabric of reality to suit my desires." She opened the door and hopped out into the void, "See you around!" She rushed through the void in a large fanboat. She gazed into infinity and saw what she was looking for. It was a hideous large thing, made of mouths, teeth and tendrils. "Hi, Pinkie," Pinkie Pie stopped just short of it. "This is not my name," The thing coughed up an eye and placed it on a tendril to see her, "I am nothing, and never have been anything." "That's a really sad way of thinking," Pinkie Pie patted it, "I should know because I used to think the exact same way for a long time." "Yes," The god swallowed its eye, "Then you are me and I am you. But this is against the law. Multiple iterations of the same creature should never come into contact. You have risked much in doing this. What is your purpose?" "Oh, that's easy," Pinkie answered, "I want to be a pony." "You ask for something you already have," The god rumbled, "And if you do not truly have it, then how could I grant it?" "I'm just you in few million years, but a lot changed," Pinkie Pie admitted, "I learned about humor. I don't really know how though. I think it involved a cheese wedge, I'm not really sure. But after I discovered humor I locked myself in a physical body, so that I could have fun and friends and mildly inappropriate adventures that happen off-screen." "And so you can not achieve your desires," The god laughed, "That is quite humorous, by chasing after your desires of the moment you lost the ability to achieve your current dream." "So," Pinkie Pie sat on a tendril, "How about it Big Girl? I've already got my parents picked out. I think they would help me keep well grounded." The Elder Gods smiled, and Pinkie disappeared from that frame of reference. "Heh," It chuckled, "Cheese wedge.So random." Millions of years in the future, but still some years behind the present a pink filly was working hard to rotate the rocks from the south field to the east field. "Huh," She muttered to herself, "This actually kind of sucks." She fell backwards as a blue box wooshed into existence in front of her. A pony covered in black marks opened the door and waved his sonic screwdriver in front of her face. "Well," He shrugged, "I guess it wasn't you." He shut the door and wooshed out of that frame of reference. "Who was that?" Pinkie Pie asked. Head in the CloudsRainbow Dash spotted a cotton candy cloud nestled among the normal clouds in the sky. "Discord," She muttered, "That guy can never be trusted." She swooped in and landed next to the cloud and bent over to grab it in her teeth. It twitched and went deeper into the cloud it was resting on. She dug her face into the cloud and pulled it up. "Hi, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie Pie hung upside down and waved, "I really don't think this iteration is supposed to involve this kind of thing though. Not that I think you're unattractive. I just think we should just remain friends, but I'm sure you'll find your special somepony someday." Rainbow Dash sat her down on the cloud and spat out a few strands of hair, "Pinkie? How did you get up here?" "I climbed," Pinkie answered. Rainbow Dash looked down at the ground thousands of feet below them, "That sounds... plausible?" "I have a ladder," Pinkie Pie shifted around. "And how are you walking around up here?" Rainbow Dash tapped on the cloud, "Did Twilight cast a cloud walking spell on you?" "That is definitely a thing that could have legitimately happened," Pinkie Pie nodded, "Unlike things that could never legitimately happen. Like me baking you into a cupcake. Wait, that's a bad example. That could plausibly happen in another iteration, but not in this iteration, so I guess I could say it's still-" "Pinkie, what was that about a cupcake?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I don't think I said anything about a cupcake," Pinkie Pie denied, "Maybe you're just really hungry and you heard me wrong. Like when Rarity was lecturing me that one time all I heard was stuff about cakes or cookies, but when I asked her about that she asked me if I was actually listening to her, and I was like 'Of course I am, you're just saying stuff that doesn't make any sense to me so I just fill in the gaps with stuff I understand'. So I asked her if maybe she could explain it with a diagram, because diagrams are great and bad stuff never happens because of them, but then she asked me if I was serious. So I was like 'Nope, I'm Pinkie Pie'." "Uh-huh," Rainbow dash muttered, "How are you planning on getting down, Pinkie?" "With this," Pinkie Pie rummaged through her main and pulled out a three foot wooden ladder. "And that's really going to work?" Rainbow Dash shook her head. "It's how I got up here," Pinkie Pie stated defiantly, "And I can do it again." "Really?" Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs, "Show me." "I can't do it right now," Pinkie Pie objected, "I can only do it when it's funny, and in order for something to be funny there has to be either limited foreshadowing, randomness, or any number of things really. But doing something just because a friend doesn't believe you is rarely ever funny. So I just have to wait until it's funny for me to get down with a hilarious perfectly time visual gag." Rainbow Dash scratched her head, "Nope, not buying it. How would you even explain an ability like that anyway?" "Oh, oh, pick me I know this one," Pinkie Pie raised her hoof, "I'm a deity whose powers revolve around visual and verbal humor." "What?" Rainbow Dash stared. "Damn it," Pinkie Pie muttered and tapped Rainbow on the head, "Nap Time!" Rainbow Dash fell right to sleep and began snoring. Pinkie Pie took her tail and tied it to the middle rung of the ladder and began twisting it in a clockwise motion until it was tight. She released it and began gliding down to the ground as the spinning ladder gave her sufficient thrust. She made whooshing noises with her mouth as she landed. "Too bad no one got to see that," She untangled her tail and placed the ladder back in her mane. "Yes I suppose visual humor is lost if there's no one to see it," Doctor Whooves took a necklace with a key off of his neck, "But if you keep it up there won't be anypony to see anything again." "No, no, no," Pinkie Pie shushed him, "I can't destroy reality, it wouldn't be funny, and my powers don't do anything that isn't funny." "I think I'm something of expert in these matters," The Doctor glared at her, "I like you, but this has to stop." Pinkie Pie thought for a moment and yelled, "Time out!" She tapped him on the head and ran off, he stood frozen for several minutes. He shook his head at the end of the time out and looked down at his foreleg. It was covered with black marks in sets of five. "Twenty-seven now," He muttered, "Perhaps direct confrontation is not the best course of action." Author's Note I thought it would be funny if Rainbow Dash confuses the meaning of some words. As in she can't tell the difference between 'plausible' and 'implausible'.
Twilight Tells a Joke"And so I said 'don't you mean rhombus'?" Twilight laughed over her tea in the breakfast nook of the library. "Oh, Twilight, that joke went a little over my head," Pinkie Pie raised her hooves, "But you tried, and trying is important. So I'm gonna give a big thumbs up!" "Thumbs up?" Twilight stared at her friend, "What's that?" "This!" Pinkie pie raised her hoof and an odd jointed growth jutted from it, "It means good job! Unless you're doing it ironically, which is just really mean. Because you should be sincere when you're around friends. Because if you aren't then you might hurt their feelings, and that's one of the quickest ways-" "Pinkie, what in Tartarus is that?" Twilight sputtered, "Where did it come from?" "Do you really want to get into this again?" Pinkie chuckled, "Because last time we did this you really got worked-" "No," Twilight slammed her forehooves on the table and ranted, "I'm tired of you dodging these questions. No more ranting until you make me just give up. You pull hats out of nowhere. I don't even know where you keep all those mustaches. You made a flying machine that shouldn't even work. Don't even get me started on your 'Pinkie Sense'. I'm tired of everything you do making no sense." "Do you really want to know?" Pinkie questioned, "Because sometimes ponies say they want to know things, but then I get in trouble for it. Like this one time Sweetie Bell asked me where fillies come from. And I showed her with a few diagrams I had stashed in case of diagram emergencies. And then Rarity wouldn't talk to me for like three hours! It doesn't sound like much, but that's a really long time to not speak to a friend. But I guess that was ok, because a little while later she invited me over for a chat. And it was really nice getting to chat with her after all those hours. Though it was a little more serious than I wanted, it wasn't really a chat it was more of a lecture. Which is kind of funny because with those glasses on she has kind of a sexy professor thing going on. She didn't like it when I pointed it out though. I mean, I meant it as a compliment But she lectured me on the importance of the innocence of foalhood, and asked why I would even have a diagram to explain the isosceles lock, and why would I even show that to a filly. So I-" "Pinkie!" Twilight yelled. Pinkie drummed her fingers on the table. "See!" Twilight screamed, "That, that is exactly what I am talking about!" "What are you talking about?" Pinkie Pie asked as she stroked her beard thoughtfully. "Stuff like that!" Twilight sputtered. "Like what?" Pinkie Pie ate her beard, "Ooh, that's sweet." "The constant reality bending stuff," Twilight fumed, "The exact reason you are able to do all this." "Do you really want to know?" Pinkie Pie beat the thumb back down into her hoof. "For the last time, yes!" Twilight groaned. "I was the firstborn of the planet," Pinkie answered. "What," Twilight stared as light began to contort around her friend. She seemed taller, and the room darker. "My hooves touched the soil when it was new," Pinkies voice deepened and became layered, as if it was echoing in a body many times its size, "I exist outside the confines of time and place. I have walked the universe and touched the stars. I have breathed life into that which was nothing. I tilled the ground when it was fresh. I have seen that which is from beyond the fourth wall, and brought joy to it's inhabitants. I have witnessed the primal iteration and reiterations of this world, and seen it in all its forms. I trampled the smooze beneath my myriad hooves. I see all things, touch all things, and know them down to their most intricate detail." "What!" Twilight leaned back. "I am the firstborn of creation," Pinkies voice returned to normal, "I just really like being a pony. Because when you're a pony everypony is nice to you, and cakes taste sweeter, and you get to have adventures with friends, and princesses don't try to imprison you in stone, and you get to live in a cupcake, and no one asks questions when you just move into someone else's house, and when they do ask questions it's stuff like 'Hey Pinkie, can you handle the register for a little bit' or 'Pinkie, weren't you supposed to be watching the register'... I think I'm supposed to be at work right now actually, but I'm not really sure." "Oh, Celestia," Twilight rubbed her temples, "I should have never asked." "That's what you said last time, silly," Pinkie tapped her friend's forehead, "Time out!" Twilight's eyes crossed and she froze. She drooled a little bit onto the table. Pinkie walked to Sugar Cube Corner. "Hey Mr. Cake," Pinkie yelled as she walked in, "Could I have a few hours off, Twilight and I are doing something really fun." "Sure, Pinkie," Mr. Cake nodded. Pinkie Pie walked out and ran into Sweetie Bell. "Hi," Pinkie yelled. "Hey, Pinkie," Sweetie Bell muttered. "What's the matter?" Pinkie asked. "I just had a fight with Rarity again," Sweetie Bell pouted, "Why is she so crazy?" "Hold on," Pinkie reached into a hole in a tree, "I think I have a diagram that-" "No more diagrams!" Sweetie ran off, "No more!" "Huh," Pinkie scratched her head, "Weird." Pinkie walked back into the library, sat down, sipped her tea, and tapped Twilight on the head again. "And so I said 'don't you mean rhombus'?" Twilight laughed. "That's a little over my head Twilight," Pinkie Pie gave her a thumbs up, "But good try!" "Pinkie," Twilight's jaw hung low, "What is that?" Author's Note I imagine Pinkie would get bored after the hundredth repetition.
Working on the Farm"So, Applejack, want to play?" Pinkie bounce alongside Applejack. "Not now, Pinkie," Applejack snapped, "I have to clear the west field before the storm comes." "Really?" Pinkie Pie looked across Sweet Apple Acres, "Which one's the west one?" "That un," Applejack pointed out with a hoof, "The one tah the west." "Are you sure that you have to do that?" Pinkie Pie asked, "Because sometimes when a pony says they have to do something, what they really mean is that they want to do something else. Like when I invited Rainbow Dash to make cupcakes, but she said she had to clear the clouds, but the sky was clear. And I thought, maybe she knew of that one iteration where making cupcakes means something completely different. Well, not completely different, but still completely different. Anyway it just turned out that she had Wonderbolt tickets. And I offered to go with her, but she said she made plans with somepony else, and then she was real secretive about who it was, like she was embarrassed or something. This isn't like one of those things, is it?" "No, Pinkie," Applejack hitched herself up to the cart, "I really have to clear the west field." "Oh," Pinkie Pie frowned, "Which one is that again?" "That un," Applejack pointed to the west field again, and stopped, "Where did all the apples go?" Pinkie Pie stood beside Applejacks full cart. "Play?" Pinkie asked, wagging her tail. "No, Pinkie," Applejack answered, "I have to get these into the barn." "Oh," Pinkie Pie deflated a little, "Which one?" "That un," Applejack pointed again, and felt a light rumbling. "Play?" Pinkie Pie peered down from the otherwise empty cart. "Damn it Winona- I mean Pinkie!" Applejack screamed, "I have too much tah do today." "What else did you have to do?" Pinkie Pie pouted. "Do I look like the kind of pony tah carry aroun' a list all day," Applejack thought for a moment, "Why don't yah go see if Twilight can play?" "Because Twilight doesn't really want to hang out much now," Pinkie answered, "She says that anytime she hangs out with me she loses all track of time. Which isn't really true, but anytime I try to explain it to her I end up having to reset the iteration of that event, because she just freaks out. And then she loses track of even more time, and I can't risk-" "Pinkie," Applejack put her hoof down, "You are friends with jus' about everyone in Ponyville. I'm busy. Can't you play with someone else?" "Yeah," Pinkie Pie teared up, "But I wanted to play with you." "Consarn it, Pinkie," Applejack threw her hat down, "Don't tug at mah heart strings like-" Pinkie Pie rushed and grabbed the hat in her teeth, and began running around Applejack. "Pinkie," Applejack said sternly, "Give me back mah hat." "Sowwee," Pinkie Pie spat it onto Applejack's head, "I mean, I kind of forgot that it was a family heirloom passed down to you after the tragic death of your father." "No, Pinkie," Applejack wrung the spit out of the hat, "It's just an old work hat. Nothin' special about it." "Oh," Pinkie Pie thought, "I must be confusing that tale with another iteration." "Really," Applejack put the soiled hat back on her head, "Why don't you go play with one of those other iterations." "But I already am," Pinkie answered, "I'm playing with all of the iterations of you, but you. And that's sad, because you're my favorite Applejack." "Pinkie," Applejack patted her on the head, "That is the most insane and heartwarmin' thing I've heard all day." "So," Pinkie Pie wagged her tail, "Play?" "I'm sorry sugarcube," Applejack adjuster her hat, "There's work to be done." "Can I help?" Pinkie asked. "Sure thing," Applejack began moving along, "We need to board up the windows on the house. Make sure there isn't a thing that can become a projectile. Sort the bumper crop yah just harvested. Get the pigs in the barn... but away from the apples! We need to get Winona inside. Tear down any loose limbs from the trees. And that should be about it." "That was a lot of work," Pinkie Pie wiped sweat off of her brow, "Can I have a drink before we play?" Applejack looked across her property. The fields were clear of debris, the pigs oinked inside the barn, the windows were covered in planks and nails, the trees were pruned, and Winona barked from inside the farmhouse. "Pinkie Pie?" Applejack leaned close to her and whispered, "Did yah do somethin' crazy like enslaving all of your mirror pool clones?" "No, silly," Pinkie Pie bounced and giggled, "I did something crazy like pulling pockets of other iterations where you had already done that work into existence. Except for the hat thing, I just picked it up. Like this-" Pinkie pie grabbed the hat in her teeth, shook it, and set it back down on Applejack's head -"The other stuff had already happened, I just let it be the way it was somewhere else but now it's also happened here. It's kind of like a copy paste thing, except sometimes when I do it this madpony with a blue box appears out of nowhere, and then I have to work extra hard at being a normal pony. I suppose I could just pull in a pocket of another iteration where he didn't show up, but he's always fun to be around. Except that one iteration of him, he's a meanie and a coward and a womanizer and a pegasus. Not that there's anything wrong with being a pegasus, he's just not normally a pegasus." "Pinkie," Applejack shook her head, "I'm gonna pretend that I didn't hear any of that, and you're gonna pretend you didn't say any of it, all right?" "Okie dokie lokie," Pinkie Pie saluted, and immediately went back to wagging her tail, "Play?" "Pinkie," Applejack took her hat off her head and threw it into the field, "Fetch." "What?" Pinkie Pie stopped wagging her tail, "Was that a dog joke? I didn't really get it."
Gods ConversePinkie Pie knocked on Fluttershy's cottage. "Hello," Discord opened the door like an old gull wing, "Oh, my favorite pony." "Hey, Discord," Pinkie Pie smiled, "Is Fluttershy home? Because I really wanted to talk to her. Not about anything in particular, I just thought that we hadn't talked in like three hours. And the last time I didn't talk to a friend for three hours it turned out that she was mad at me." "She's somewhere around here," Discord turned his face to show an empty socket, "If only I were keeping an eye on her." Pinkie Pie heard a shrill shriek. "She's in the shower, isn't she?" Pinkie Pie accused. Discord raised his eyebrows repeatedly and grinned. "Fluttershy!" Pinkie yelled over Discord's shoulder, "It's ok, because you're normally naked anyway. It's not like he can see anything he wouldn't otherwise." "Really, Pinkie," Discord crossed his arms, "I was watching out for her. What if she slipped in the tub? I am the portrait of a modern gentleman." He appeared in a frame over the couch, sporting a bow-tie, tailcoat, and top hat. Pinkie Pie responded by growing a mustache and placing a bowler hat on her head. Discord placed a monocle over his eye. Pinkie pulled on a smoking jacket and stuck a rose in the lapel. He hooked a pocket watch into the third button of his vest. She pulled out a riding crop. He snapped his fingers and saddle shoes appeared on his feet. "Oh, Discord," Pinkie Pie rolled on the floor laughing, "You're lucky that I'm really good at visual puns. Anybody else would have had to have read that to get it." "Cheaters," Discord pouted and slid out of the painting and reclined on the couch, "The jokes are basically spoon fed to them." "Don't say that!" Pinkie yelled, "If you do the author gets a thumbs down."- a growth spurted from her hoof again and she aimed it down- "And that's bad... somehow?" "Pinkie Pie, even to me that made no sense," Discord swooned and handed her a bouquet of roses, "I think I love you." "Not in this iteration," Pinkie objected, "There are only a few iterations where we're shipped, and those basically never update. Which, what is an update anyway?" Discord shrugged and tossed shriveled fruit in the air. "Ok, that one was a bit of a stretch," Pinkie Pie shook her head, "You have to space out the puns. Otherwise the story becomes convoluted. And then you just have random and chaotic things happening for no apparent reason, with no regard for any important details, and nothing makes any sense." Discord snapped his fingers, and fireworks shot from the floor, rendering in large glittering letters 'God of Chaos'. "Uhm," Fluttershy walked into the room in her bathrobe, "Discord, if you don't mind, would you please, uhm, avoid things that might set my cottage on fire. Please?" "Of course," Discord snapped his fingers and water spewed from the ceiling, knocking down the flames of the burning couch. "Bad!" Fluttershy quietly yelled and sprayed him with a water battle, "Bad god!" Discord flinched and tried to twist to dodge the liquid assault. "Fine," He groaned, snapped his fingers, and placed everything in its proper status, "I bet Pinkie enjoyed it." "Actually I was about to pull in a giant robot from another iteration to curbstomp you," Pinkie Pie frowned and then smiled, "But I guess I don't have to do that because all you needed was a little encouragement to do that right thing. With all the other iterations of you that have gone completely bonkers I can't risk it. Like that one iter- What's in that spray bottle anyway?" "Nothing," Discord answered. "Water," Fluttershy said at the same time. "Water," Discord answered. "Nothing," Fluttershy said at the same time. "Hmm," Pinkie Pie mentally poured through all iterations of this instant and found the one where she was told the truth, "Gross! Fluttershy, how could you even do that to a cockatrice?" Fluttershy mumbled something and handed Discord back his eye. Discord popped it back into his skull and began whistling and staring at the ceiling. Pinkie Pie put on the sternest face she could muster, which was really more of a slight frown. Not even a slight frown actually, but more like a halfhearted smile. "Did you want to do something, Pinkie?" Fluttershy asked. "Actually, I just wanted to talk to my two favorite friends in the whole world," Pinkie Pie said, "Which is a bit of an unfair thing to say, because what I really mean is that you're my friends, and you're my favorites because you're here right now. That way when I'm alone everyone is my favorite. And when I'm around everyone, everyone is my favorite. So that way, I treat everyone with equal favoritism." "What have you been up to lately?" Discord asked her. "Oh, the madpony in the blue box has been following me around lately," Pinkie smiled, "I like playing hide and seek with him, but he's really bad at it. I just hide in the dimensional rift for a while and he can never find me." "You have to be careful with that type, though," Discord said knowingly, "First it's all fun and games, and then you have them right where you want them. But then they use some technical jargon, use an obscure metaphor to justify it, and 'save the day'." "No, no, no," Pinkie Pie explained, "His metaphors don't work really well, but they're funny. Except when he explains how I'm destroying the 'fabric of reality'. I mean I've only been doing this since the beginning of time, and since time is meaningless, all the damage I've done has already been done." "What?" Fluttershy looked back and forth between the two. "I'm sorry," Discord looked down, "Pinkie is a-" "Baker!" Pinkie yelled, "Just a baker with a love of science fiction, and Discord and I were talking about some role playing we do on the weekends." Discord began backpedaling on a stationary bicycle formed entirely of letters. "Oh, come on," Pinkie yelled at him, "No one is even going to get that one." "I thought it was humorous," Discord pulled a bone from his left arm, "Eh?" "That one was just tacky," She raised some thumbtacks, "See! I can do lame puns that don't result in any furthering of the plot." "Excuse me," Fluttershy interrupted, "But, uhm, Discord doesn't have a routine, so, how do you have a schedule with him for the weekends?" Discord hopped back on the stationary bicycle. "He makes the weekends happen early... or late!" Pinkie answered. "I don't mind you having a secret, Pinkie," Fluttershy stated calmly, "But, uhm, please don't lie to me." "Lie," Pinkie Pie frowned and tears gushed from her face, "I'm a sham who's existed from the the beginning of time and only chooses to be a pony because being a god is boring." Discord opened an umbrella. "Oh," Fluttershy looked around, "I... I didn't need to know that." Pinkie Pie sniffled and tapped Fluttershy on the head. "Oh, Pinkie," Fluttershy smiled, "I didn't see you come in." "Discord let me in," Pinkie stated. "Not that doors mean anything to her," Discord commented. "What?" Fluttershy asked. Pinkie Pie tapper her on the head again. Fluttershy froze in place. Pinkie Pie crossed her hooves and glared at him. "Some other time then?" Discord hopped on a chair connected to a dish and covered in switches and levers. He dissipated from that point of reference. Pinkie Pie tapped Fluttershy on the head again. "Oh, Pinkie," Fluttershy smiled, "I didn't see you come in." "Actually I was just leaving," Pinkie hugged her, "I've been here a little longer than I meant to, and it's almost sundown. Bye!" Pinkie Pie walked out the door. Fluttershy looked at the sunset in confusion, "Where did the day go?"
Self-referral"And then she just left," Fluttershy ended her story, "Twilight, do you think I'm going crazy?" "No, this stuff happens all the time when I deal with Pinkie," Twilight sipped her tea, "I've been trying to figure it out for a while now, but I just can't wrap my head around it." "I also noticed that, uhm," Fluttershy shifted in her chair, "Rainbow Dash loses track of time around Pinkie too." "Yeah, but that's Rainbow Dash," Twilight explained, "She probably just takes suffers from narcolepsy." "I still say we need to sit her down and have a chat with her," Rarity commented, "And it might be best if we keep snacks around. The poor girl can't think straight when she's hungry." They were interrupted by a knock at the door. "Come in," Twilight called. "Really, darling," Rarity walked to the door, "That's not how you treat a visitor. You should open the door like a civilized pony-" She opened the door to let in Doctor Whooves-"Offer to take their coat if they have one-" She took the Doctor's coat-"And invite them to make themselves at home... and I suppose if they look mad you should either see them to the door or inquire as to any problems they might be having." The Doctor was covered head to toe in black marks that had previously been hidden by his tan overcoat. "Are you quite all right?" Rarity asked. "I seem to be having some issues tracking down a reality bending pony," The Doctor answered, "I was hoping to get a little help." "Of course, darling," Rarity leaned over to Twilight and whispered, "I'll distract him, you get a message to the hospital." "Actually, Rarity," Twilight whispered, "I think he's talking about Pinkie Pie." The Doctor walked around waving his sonic screwdriver against the walls. He knocked on them occasionally, and muttered to himself. "And he might be a little crazy," Twilight admitted, "But when I saw him earlier he seemed perfectly fine." "No," The Doctor commented, "This is my first time meeting you, but it might not be your first time meeting me. It's complicated." "What?" Twilight nearly yelled, "You invited me out on a date, and you completely forgot about it?" "No, no, no, no, no. No," The Doctor started moving his screwdriver across the bookshelves, "It just hasn't happened yet for me." Rarity handed a letter to Spike and whispered to him. He nodded and set it alight with his green flame. "Has your home always had a resonance of Elder God?" Doctor Whooves asked. "What? No!" Twilight yelled, "I mean I don't know. I suppose it could?" "Of course," The Doctor placed the sonic screwdriver into the Galifreyan pocket hidden in his collar, "Have any friends of yours been acting odd lately?" "No. Yes," Twilight shook her head, "I mean not any odder than usual." "I take it you mean one friend in particular," The Doctor watched Twilight's reaction and smiled to himself, "I bloody love being brilliant." Rarity nodded casually, wrote the word 'hurry' across a piece of paper and handed it to Spike. "He's not really that brilliant," An echoing voice came from somewhere in the kitchen, "He's just really old, so I guess he's wise, but not in a way that makes any sense. Which I guess Discord would like. Hey, mister, have you met Discord, he's really fun." The group looked around the kitchen but saw no one else. In their silence they heard a crunching noise coming from the cookie jar on the counter. The Doctor walked to it and lifted the lid. "Hi," Pinkie Pie thrust her head out and sprayed everyone with crumbs as she spoke, "What's up?" "Pinkie!" Twilight yelled, "What are you doing in there?" "I'm eating," Pinkie popped her head back in and emerged with a cookie, "Because Rarity said that I can't think straight when I'm hungry,-" She gobbled up the cookie- "and I need to be at my best if I'm going to be able to pull this off." "Pull off what?" The Doctor asked. "This!" Pinkie yelled and tapped him on the head, "Time out!" He froze in place. Pinkie jumped out of the cookie jar and threw him on her back. She ran out the door and into a blue box. "What just happened?" Twilight asked. Rarity sighed, "I don't rightly know anymore. I need my fainting couch." Pinkie ran her forehoof across the sleek controls of the Tardis, "Hi. It's been a while." She looked to the Doctor and tapped him on the forehead again. He blinked a few times and looked around. "Sexy," The Doctor yelled at the control panel, "Why would you let her in here?" "Because she has an amazing sense of humor," Pinkie Pie answered, "Unlike someponies I know." Pinkie Pie threw a lever. "What are you doing?" The Doctor yelled. "I'm going back in time," Pinkie Pie threw more switches, "Duh." "Do you even have any idea how to use the control panel!" He fumed. "Nope," Pinkie Pie beat on the console with a hammer, "And that's why this is going to work." "What!" The Doctor took the hammer from her, and began beating the control panel in the proper way and muttered, "Amateur." "I'm going to make this work the only way I know how," Pinkie answered, "By being funny." "What are you trying to do?" The Doctor asked. "Oh, not much really," Pinkie answered, "I'm just going to convince an Elder God to change the very fabric of reality to suit my desires." She opened the door and hopped out into the void, "See you around!" She rushed through the void in a large fanboat. She gazed into infinity and saw what she was looking for. It was a hideous large thing, made of mouths, teeth and tendrils. "Hi, Pinkie," Pinkie Pie stopped just short of it. "This is not my name," The thing coughed up an eye and placed it on a tendril to see her, "I am nothing, and never have been anything." "That's a really sad way of thinking," Pinkie Pie patted it, "I should know because I used to think the exact same way for a long time." "Yes," The god swallowed its eye, "Then you are me and I am you. But this is against the law. Multiple iterations of the same creature should never come into contact. You have risked much in doing this. What is your purpose?" "Oh, that's easy," Pinkie answered, "I want to be a pony." "You ask for something you already have," The god rumbled, "And if you do not truly have it, then how could I grant it?" "I'm just you in few million years, but a lot changed," Pinkie Pie admitted, "I learned about humor. I don't really know how though. I think it involved a cheese wedge, I'm not really sure. But after I discovered humor I locked myself in a physical body, so that I could have fun and friends and mildly inappropriate adventures that happen off-screen." "And so you can not achieve your desires," The god laughed, "That is quite humorous, by chasing after your desires of the moment you lost the ability to achieve your current dream." "So," Pinkie Pie sat on a tendril, "How about it Big Girl? I've already got my parents picked out. I think they would help me keep well grounded." The Elder Gods smiled, and Pinkie disappeared from that frame of reference. "Heh," It chuckled, "Cheese wedge.So random." Millions of years in the future, but still some years behind the present a pink filly was working hard to rotate the rocks from the south field to the east field. "Huh," She muttered to herself, "This actually kind of sucks." She fell backwards as a blue box wooshed into existence in front of her. A pony covered in black marks opened the door and waved his sonic screwdriver in front of her face. "Well," He shrugged, "I guess it wasn't you." He shut the door and wooshed out of that frame of reference. "Who was that?" Pinkie Pie asked.
Head in the CloudsRainbow Dash spotted a cotton candy cloud nestled among the normal clouds in the sky. "Discord," She muttered, "That guy can never be trusted." She swooped in and landed next to the cloud and bent over to grab it in her teeth. It twitched and went deeper into the cloud it was resting on. She dug her face into the cloud and pulled it up. "Hi, Rainbow Dash," Pinkie Pie hung upside down and waved, "I really don't think this iteration is supposed to involve this kind of thing though. Not that I think you're unattractive. I just think we should just remain friends, but I'm sure you'll find your special somepony someday." Rainbow Dash sat her down on the cloud and spat out a few strands of hair, "Pinkie? How did you get up here?" "I climbed," Pinkie answered. Rainbow Dash looked down at the ground thousands of feet below them, "That sounds... plausible?" "I have a ladder," Pinkie Pie shifted around. "And how are you walking around up here?" Rainbow Dash tapped on the cloud, "Did Twilight cast a cloud walking spell on you?" "That is definitely a thing that could have legitimately happened," Pinkie Pie nodded, "Unlike things that could never legitimately happen. Like me baking you into a cupcake. Wait, that's a bad example. That could plausibly happen in another iteration, but not in this iteration, so I guess I could say it's still-" "Pinkie, what was that about a cupcake?" Rainbow Dash asked. "I don't think I said anything about a cupcake," Pinkie Pie denied, "Maybe you're just really hungry and you heard me wrong. Like when Rarity was lecturing me that one time all I heard was stuff about cakes or cookies, but when I asked her about that she asked me if I was actually listening to her, and I was like 'Of course I am, you're just saying stuff that doesn't make any sense to me so I just fill in the gaps with stuff I understand'. So I asked her if maybe she could explain it with a diagram, because diagrams are great and bad stuff never happens because of them, but then she asked me if I was serious. So I was like 'Nope, I'm Pinkie Pie'." "Uh-huh," Rainbow dash muttered, "How are you planning on getting down, Pinkie?" "With this," Pinkie Pie rummaged through her main and pulled out a three foot wooden ladder. "And that's really going to work?" Rainbow Dash shook her head. "It's how I got up here," Pinkie Pie stated defiantly, "And I can do it again." "Really?" Rainbow Dash crossed her forelegs, "Show me." "I can't do it right now," Pinkie Pie objected, "I can only do it when it's funny, and in order for something to be funny there has to be either limited foreshadowing, randomness, or any number of things really. But doing something just because a friend doesn't believe you is rarely ever funny. So I just have to wait until it's funny for me to get down with a hilarious perfectly time visual gag." Rainbow Dash scratched her head, "Nope, not buying it. How would you even explain an ability like that anyway?" "Oh, oh, pick me I know this one," Pinkie Pie raised her hoof, "I'm a deity whose powers revolve around visual and verbal humor." "What?" Rainbow Dash stared. "Damn it," Pinkie Pie muttered and tapped Rainbow on the head, "Nap Time!" Rainbow Dash fell right to sleep and began snoring. Pinkie Pie took her tail and tied it to the middle rung of the ladder and began twisting it in a clockwise motion until it was tight. She released it and began gliding down to the ground as the spinning ladder gave her sufficient thrust. She made whooshing noises with her mouth as she landed. "Too bad no one got to see that," She untangled her tail and placed the ladder back in her mane. "Yes I suppose visual humor is lost if there's no one to see it," Doctor Whooves took a necklace with a key off of his neck, "But if you keep it up there won't be anypony to see anything again." "No, no, no," Pinkie Pie shushed him, "I can't destroy reality, it wouldn't be funny, and my powers don't do anything that isn't funny." "I think I'm something of expert in these matters," The Doctor glared at her, "I like you, but this has to stop." Pinkie Pie thought for a moment and yelled, "Time out!" She tapped him on the head and ran off, he stood frozen for several minutes. He shook his head at the end of the time out and looked down at his foreleg. It was covered with black marks in sets of five. "Twenty-seven now," He muttered, "Perhaps direct confrontation is not the best course of action." Author's Note I thought it would be funny if Rainbow Dash confuses the meaning of some words. As in she can't tell the difference between 'plausible' and 'implausible'.
