The Fart

by Bill O'Reilly

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Main 6, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 990

In the darkness, some pony farted.

In the darkness, some pony farted.

Published 2012-02-28 19:54:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-02-28 19:54:01 UTC

Chapter 1

In the darkness, some pony farted.

“Who just ripped flank?”

Silence.

“Who!? That was bucking awful.”

Twilight lit a match to combat the smell. The match light revealed the cramped confinement of Applejacks apple cellar. Not more then an hour earlier they had robbed a convenience store, Rainbow Dash and Applejack managed to get a grand total of 12 bits and a carton of Camel Lights while Twilight held the clerk up with a syringe filled with AIDS blood with a pair of panties over her head as a clever disguise. Ponyville was now crawling with police ponies looking for the perpetrators. Twilight stared at each of her friends. Pinkie was huddled in the corner clutching the carton of cigarettes her face distorted in disgust.

“Oh my gosh! That was worse than a marathon of The Big Bang Theory!” On the other side of the room Rarity stuffed her face into Applejacks shoulder, her eyes were watering from the smell.

“Some pony better start prayin' because that is straight from Satan! It’s so raunchy ah think I could just—“ It was too late and Applejack blew chunks all over Rarity. She reeled back in horror and was hit by the smell again.

“This is worse then the time Jesus came to Ponyville! It’s The WORST. POSSIBLE. THING. EVER!”

They all turned to the last two ponies in the room. Rainbow Dash had a clothespin pinched across her nostrils and was clutching a blushing Fluttershy closely.

“What does it matter anyway? It’s just a little gas, it’ll pass.” Pinkie Pie snickered.
Twilight’s nose scrunched up. “Get serious Dash, if this keeps up were gonna have to go outside and get some fresh air. The pigs are everywhere, we’ll get arrested for sure.” They stood silent as police sirens wailed in the distance above them.

“Could we just wait a little while…it might just be some indigestion” Fluttershy spoke meekly.

“She’s right sugercube, if we don’t deal with this now we’ll never get to smoke these cigarettes.” Said Applejack.

“Who cares? They’re lights, only yuppie ponies smoke lights!” Dash yelled.

“It was me, I farted.”

“Fluttershy! What the hay did you eat? It reeks so bad it would probably peel wallpaper!” retorted Twilight. Fluttershy looked down at the ground in disgrace.

“I ate a vegetarian 7 layer burrito from Taco Bell.” Every pony stared at her in stunned silence.

“Darling why would you ever eat there! Who knows what they make that sour cream out of, Taco Bell is never to be trusted!” Rarity cried. "Haven’t you seen the restrooms, they’re absolutely dreadful."

"I couldn't help myself I only had 10 bits, they're open 'till midnight Rarity."

Twilight hung her head low, “I’m afraid we all know what has to happen now, we have to kill her.”

“Isn’t there anything we can do? Can’t your magic cure it? What about Beano?” Pleaded dash.

“Unfortunately nothing can be done. Not even the Princess can digest that stuff, all she can do is call the department of health every time a new Taco Bell opens. Every pony who eats the 7 layer burrito has to die.”

“It’s true sugar cube, we’ve all seen it. The final stage is horrible gut wrenching diarrhea. We can’t trust another fart, do you really want that in here?”

"I suppose you’re all right"

“You should kill her Rainbow.”

“Why do I have to kill her Twilight?”

“Because we all know you two are totally hot for each other so that makes this all your fault somehow. And we all know that if someone has to kill Fluttershy it should be you because the storyline would be more dramatic if you did it.

“But she’s my marefreind! How do you expect me to kill my marefreind!”

“It’ll be easy, just kick her in the face really hard. Then we can take the bits we stole and buy tickets to the new Mission Impossible movie, don’t you want to see the new Mission Impossible Dash?”

“It’ll be better this way Dash, I just couldn’t live with myself if I subjected you all to this torture any longer.” Fluttershy farted again, a high-pitched squeaker. “Hurry up Rainbow I'm starting to cramp!”

“Her mind is made up sugarcube, Fluttershy has some mighty powerful determination inside her, Like Whitney Houston looking for some smack on Saturday night!”

Rarity shot Applejack a cross look. “Applejack that is so insensitive!”

“What, too soon?”

“Can’t you just wait a few bucking months you ignorant red neck!”

“Stop arguing and get on with it!” yelled Twilight in frustration.

Applejack stepped up with a portable CD player and a pair of headphones; she placed the headset over Fluttershy’s ears.

“Here sugarcube listen to Katy Perry’s latest album, it’ll make death all that much better.” Applejack turned the CD player on and Fluttershy fell to the ground and in twisted agony. “Kill me! Kill me already! It’s the worst music I ever heard, who would actually buy this trash!" she screamed as her ears began to bleed.

Dash turned to her purple friend. “Get this on video, Twilight. Every pony should see this.” Twilight levitated an old Hi8 camcorder toward Fluttershy and Dash.
Rainbow Dash looked into the camera “My name is Rainbow Dash, and this is Jackass!”

Years of steroid use had honed Dash’s muscles, she reared up “Consider this a divorce.” Fluttershy’s brains splattered all over the wall as blue hooves forced themselves through her eye sockets and out the back of her skull, putting the suffering pegasus out of her misery once and for all.

“Thank Celestia, it’s finally over.” All the ponies took a fresh breath in relief and smoked a Camel Light in celebration.

After the robbery incident had blown over they all went to the movie theater and bought 5 tickets to Mission Impossible, Ghost Protocol. It was the worst movie they ever saw.

In the darkness, some pony farted.