Mercury's Misadventures In Author Land

by Mercury Zero

Rating: teen
Tags: Sex, Random, Main 6, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character
Length: 4333

A collection of short 'stories' written in approximately 15 minutes each

Congratulations, citizens! You now have honor of being presented with the writings of the roman god of eloquence and poetry himself, Mercury. Prepare your eyes for a non-stop cavalcade of pure brain-vomit, typed up in approximately 10 to 15 minutes each, with the goal of maximizing word count while still seeming slightly coherent.

Posted without any editing at all, even self-editing.

I'll try to make sure there's at least one message or some semblance of a plot arc, but no promises.

If I make one that's truly atrocious, I just won't include it, if that makes you feel any better.

Published 2013-09-21 00:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2014-10-30 13:58:01 UTC

A Time For Music

Octavia didn’t know why she found it so beautiful. By all rights, the cello was hideous. It seemed to be carved awkwardly out of a loose scrap of pure ebony. It was clearly bent, but Octavia had enough of an eye over the years of being an expert cellist to know that it doesn’t affect the sound in the places where it was bent. It might affect her hoof ‘fingering’, but that was already the best in all the land, so it didn’t matter much to her.

What mattered most, was that it attracted her so. It shined, and something about the way it caught the light resonated deep in her soul.

As she stepped closer to it, she felt something akin to fear rising up in her chest. The kind of nervousness that tells you you’re doing something dangerous, but it was a good danger, like leaning in to take a first kiss, or your lover whispering sweetly in your ear that he loves you.

“I’ll buy it. I want it. How much?” she asked, almost unaware of her own words. Her hoof came in contact with the strings, and ran down them slowly. It made a soft whining noise that put a sweet smile on Octavia’s face.

“Ah, you want that one, do you? It’s not often that somepony likes that one. It’s actually been returned, several times, even by the ones who bought it. Are you certain.”

Octavia leaned in toward the cello, ignoring the words of the shopkeeper as much as she could without being rude. She nearly drew her lips all the way toward one of the strings, to see how it would feel against them, but, with a warming of her cheeks, she backed away and cleared her throat.

“I’m sure… I’m certain, yes. Uh… Yes, but I need to try it first. Do you have a bow? I… I need a bow.”

The shopkeeper tilted his head, and leaned around Octavia. He looked at the hideous contraption, and back, blinking. He thought for a moment about just how lost with affection this earth pony seemed, staring at his most revolting clearance item. “Sure. Right. Just one second.”

When he returned with the bow, Octavia hungrily stnatched it from his hoof, prompting him to balk at the strange behavior from the gray mare. “I rosined it up for you.” She wasn’t listening. “Ma’am?”

Octavia drew in toward the cello, and stepped behind it, rearing onto her hind hooves, and giving it a gentle caress. Her chest was heaving now. She started to tremble as she rose her bow. The anticipation swelled within her as she set it upon the strings. Her muscles flexed and burned with a feeling of terrified excitement. She parted her jaw and leaned in toward the tuning knobs, and slowly drew a tremulous, vibrato note.

The shopkeaper yelped with fear as a whirling whisp of fire wrapped itself around the bow, and flowed across Octavia’s foreleg, leaping casually to lick at the nearby table.

“Ma’am! You’re on fire!” he screamed, backing away so fast that he tipped over an entire row of cellos.

Octavia’s voice was deep. It sounded unnatural, like a cacophony of roaring and plucking musical strings. “We know.”

With a terrible blast, the store ripped itself apart. Flames blasted through the windows as they blew apart from the change in air pressure. Wood splintered and cracked as the building twisted and writhed. Chunks of sturdy wood ripped themselves from the structure’s support beams, and swirled in the air around Octavia, igniting with terrifying rushes of flame.

A pounding shock annihilated the structure down to tiny splinters.

From the ashes, Octavia stepped forward into the cobblestone street, and laughed.

Gravity

The blue pegasus pony gasped when the sword landed close enough to shear away the tips of his mane. The force of the blade crashed into the earth powerfully enough to vibrate the ground at his hooves, and kick up flecks of dust and stone that pattered back down to earth on his muzzle.

He rose himself from the ground with a mighty thrust of his forelegs. He was fixated on the sword, and it was vulnerable. With a scrape and rip at the earth behind him, he thrust and bucked forward, diving onto the sword and pounding both forehooves onto it hard enough to slam it down onto its side into the earth before the princess could lift it again with her magic.

“I don’t want to hurt you!” Domitius begged; screamed, in fact. “Stay away from me!”

The twin sisters of day and night stood on the hilltop above Domitius, and looked down with fear and disdain.

He grimaced with fury at the sight of their faces. They didn’t care about his fear. He was practically dripping with it. He wanted to scream and beg, and cry that he doesn’t want to die. Not here, not like this.

He bit down on the silver hilt of the ornately gilded blade and leapt toward the royal sisters with a blast of his wings so powerful that it tore the earth below him. He sailed into a lazy arc above their heads, and looked down at them at the very crest of his launch. There’s a point in every leap when everything is still. You’re neither going up, nor down. It’s as if you’re weightless, and Domitius lingered there in his mind, looking down at the dropped jaws of the terrified princesses. He wanted to stay there forever, rather than do this, but gravity doesn’t wait. An instant is always just an instant. With another thrust of his wings, powerful enough to crack they red stone valley with the echoing sound of thunder, he launched himself downward with the sharp end of his new blade turned toward his enemies.

The impact of his body into the earth rocked the valley with a furious bassy pound, and a plume of rock and dirt rose up to encompass the three combattants. There was a flash of blue and yellow that blasted through the hazy brown cloud of floating earth with rapid pulses, making it grow even bigger. Fissures tore through the earth, centering on the explosive melee, and after a moment of building tension, the earth tore itself asunder in an explosion that shred the hilltop like confetti.

Domitius launched free of the blast. His teeth were chattering, and his body was quivering so hard that he could barely hold on to his, now blood soaked, blade. He tried to redirect himself to a soft landing in a tree, but he landed on the earth with a bounce, and a loud crack, before tumbling end over end for several agonizing seconds from his rough landing.

He struggled to get to his feet, panting now, and wailing out at the unfairness of his predicament. “I never asked for this! It took me! I never wanted it inside me!”

Domitius’s body made soft crunching sounds as it mended itself. His wings popped and twisted back into shape as his body repaired itself. The sudden feeling made him choke on a silent scream, and buckle under the pain.

Celestia, spattered with blood, stepped slowly toward Domitius with a sorrowful expression as he writhed in pain during his regeneration. She leaned down, and her horn glowed. Before long, it was a blinding, piercing pinprick of light that left blinding spots on his vision even through his closed eyelids and held up fore hoof.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Domitius screamed as he weakly tried to skitter away. He felt himself being levitated with a sinking feeling in his stomach. “Am I not a pony to you? I’m a pony! I’m not a monster!”

Domitius hovered there, and opened his eyes to the light. He took a deep breath. There it was again; just like that moment, right at the very top of a leap, when everything is still, when everything is quiet, that singular instant before the inevitability of gravity turns the tide, and brings you down.

Eternally Yours

Twilight Sparkle held Applejack’s hoof, locked at the wrist. She took off her golden horseshoe, she knows how it can tickle and scrape Applejack’s wrist. Twilight was taller than Applejack. She had a growth spurt just after her teenage years, as alicorns tend to do. It didn’t last long, however. She stopped growing seventy-five years prior.

Applejack’s hoof shook in Twilight’s, and she looked up from her hospital bed with a smile.

Twilight grimaced at the smile. She wanted to be happy, but she didn’t know what Applejack was seeing. She wasn’t talking, and she had her good days and bad, and the nurses said it’s normal to become lost in hallucinations when somepony is at this late of a stage.

Twilight didn’t know what to do, which for her, was a big deal. She leaned her face in against Applejack’s cheek, and gave her neck a soft kiss. “Applejack. I’m so sorry.”

“What for, sugarcube?”

With a gasp of disbelief, Twilight drew her head back. Applejack was lucid. “Applejack. The doctors! The doctors say you don’t have much time, and I have to say it one more time before it’s too late. I love you. I love you—” she choked on tears that seemed to well up to a storm in an instant, “—I love you so much.”

Applejack took a deep breath and squirmed for what seemed like forever before weakly responding. “Y’all told me that a thousand times and not one of them ah didn’t already know, shug’” She was smiling serenely, and tried her best to squeeze Twilight’s hoof in return.

Twilight choked out her tears, and leaned closely to wrap Applejack up in her long forelegs. She pressed her face into Applejack’s chest tightly, soaking her fur with tears.

Twilight listened to her beloved’s breath many times. Putting an ear to her chest was something she liked to do. The change in breathing came so gradually, that she didn’t notice it. Perhaps, she thought, if she listened less often, she would have detected the difference. She would have heard it before it was too late. Now, every breath seemed to fight against a terrible, echoing wheeze that made Twilight’s lips curl with pain. “I’m so sorry.”

Applejack took a deep breath and pet her immortal lover softly. She was the steward of the stars now, and Applejack couldn’t be more proud, but she knew the day that they had to part would come, and it wouldn’t be easy for her. She already knew what to say. “Twilight Sparkle. I want you to move on, after me. I want you to find love again.”

Twilight’s sobs got harder. “I can’t!”

Applejack laughed softly. It was a serene and genuine laugh. Working on a farm since she was so young, as she did, she had seen death before. She made her peace long ago. “Of course you will, sugar. You’ll always remember how much I love you. You’ll always remember it, but you’ll move on, and I want you to.”

Applejack heaved sharply, and bucked on the hospital bed.

Twilight drew back and stared with horror as Applejack’s body tensed fitfully. “No, Applejack.”

Applejack’s body calmed down, and she raised a wrinkled foreleg to her chest to hold it tightly, straining from the pain. “It’s okay, Twi-twi. It’s okay.”

Twilight sobbed, and held Applejack’s hoof to her neck. The piece of obsidian and silver gripping her throat clinked softly.

Applejack’s jaw fell slack with shock. “Twilight! Take it off! Take it off now!”

Twilight shook her head rapidly. “It’s the only way.”

Applejack screamed in a raspy, elderly voice, that instantly changed to a youthful drawl with a pulse of purple magic. “Twilight, no! No!” She leapt out of her hospital bed to grab Twilight in a tight hug. “Sugarcube, what have you done?” she shrieked, not looking away from Twilight for an instant, even to behold her new teenage body.

Twilight struggled to keep the red glow from her eyes. The Alicorn Amulet glinted its triumph in the harsh light of the hospital. It was too late.

Author's Note

I went and made this one into a 2400 word short story.

Apple Carrying

Apple Bloom leaped gleefully through the air, a few strides in front of Big Mac. She bounded from side to side shouting chatty questions. “What do you think of me being a weather pony? A meteorology cutie mark would look pretty nifty!”

Big Mac focused on his chores. He stalwartly eyed the trees in front of him, and kept a leisurely but undaunted pace.

“Oo, maybe I should try being a mail pony? I bet a mail pony cutie mark would look pretty great too, I bet it’d be all fast, like a flying envelope or something, because I’d be the best mail pony in all of Equestria.”

Mac’s first tree of the day was waiting for him at the outside edge of the orchard, nearest the barn. He approached it with a completely casual disposition, sauntering over to it and setting up his baskets with the same practiced and mundane motions he had done every autumn morning for years.

Apple Bloom sprung up from behind one of the baskets excitedly. “Maybe I should try apple carrying! I wonder what an apple carrier cutie mark would look like.

Carrying apples isn’t really a special talent, and Big Mac was about to tell Apple Bloom as much, but he paused with the words on the tip of his tongue, then shrugged and gently set one of his smallest apple baskets on Apple Bloom’s back.

Apple Bloom fidgeted excitedly when Big Mac seems to read her mind.

Big Mac was careful to make sure that the straps aren’t too tight on Apple Bloom as he fixed them in place.

“How many apples do you think I can carry? A billion? A quizzilion? A googleplex?”

Big Mac’s brow raised to half-express a look of incredulity, but he reigned in his thought. “Yeeup.”

Apple Bloom’s gasp of delight managed to scare a flock of birds from a nearby tree.

“Eyaay!”

It might be best to buck with just one leg, Big Mac thought. He wouldn't want to bury Apple Bloom under a mountain of fresh apples. With a vibrating crash, he hammered one of his hind hooves into the tree, sprinkling a conveniently exact number of apples into Apple Bloom’s basket. Each one hit its mark flawlessly and the accumulated pile of apples heaped exactly enough to completely fill the basket.

Apple Bloom whipped around, nearly spilling the precisely deposited apples, and looked at her flank.

Nothing.

“Aw.”

The Snake and the Angel

The snake didn’t frighten Fluttershy. Even the most ferocious beasts of the forest didn’t frighten Fluttershy. Perhaps they sensed her kindness and love, and that’s why they would always be so calm and gentle around her.

The snake’s scales were a vibrant emerald green, and it was long enough that it could have coiled around Fluttershy three or four times if it ever had the inclination to do so. Snakes like these have even been known to eat ponies, from time to time, in particularly tragic or negligent circumstances.

Even though the dangerous nature of the beast was nothing new or unfamiliar to Fluttershy, she wasn’t completely immune to it. She’s a pony, after all. She knows fear just like any other pony.

Her fear didn’t show, when the snake curled up her leg, and nestled in to cuddle her cheek. Fluttershy just leaned in, to gently cuddle him back with her cheek.

Animals, it’s said, are even more sensitive to the emotions of ponies than even other ponies, and the emerald snake wasn’t any different. Even though it was a simple creature, it had enough awareness to know that the moist feeling on the back of its neck was a teardrop, and, with a snakey brow furrowed, it drew back to gently tilt its head at Fluttershy.

It may not have ever seemed that way, but Fluttershy was a very strong pony. Even if one of her pets dies, she can usually contain her tears. After all, her love for animals was deeper than just an affection for cuddly creatures. Fluttershy appreciated everything about nature, including the beautiful and intricate balance of the cycle of life.

“Don’t worry. It’s okay. I’m not angry.”

The snake tilted his head. His concerned expression had a hint of confusion in it now. He reached out with his nose and proffered tiny nuzzles and drew back after each one to see if they were cheering Fluttershy up. They grew more distressed and nervous as Fluttershy’s pained grimace only got more intense. He hissed and leaned in to curl around Fluttershy’s neck and cuddle tightly.

Fluttershy reached out to stroke over lump in the snake’s midsection, and closed her eyes tightly.

“Goodbye, Angel.”

She couldn’t contain her feelings anymore. The sound of her own words, now finally spoken, released all the pain that was building inside her. Her agonized expression clenched, and her teeth chattered. She sputtered out a tortured sob.

The trees and bushes rustled, and, with cautious steps, dozens of heartbroken animals emerged, and looked up at Fluttershy. Their ears were low and their eyes shaking with sympathetic tears. Several tiny paws reached out to gently touch at Fluttershy’s flank.

“I love you too. I love all of you. D-don’t worry. Don’t worry about me.”

Author's Note

I've gone and done it again. I turned this one into a 1000 word story.

Glitterpants v. Luna

Tough Cookie Esq., Attourney At Law
Cupcake & Cookie & Cream Legal Services
235 Olde Canterlot Rd. Canterlot, Equestria

Re: Equestrian Equal Rights Act Complaince

Dear Princess Luna,
While acting on behalf of my client, one Sparklepuff Glitterpants, it has come to my attention that your entire royal guard is composed solely of male bat ponies.

It is also evident that you have withheld job opportunities from my client, on the basis that she is an 83 year old female earth pony. Any such action, if taken, would be a clear, and wanton violation of sections four through seven of the Equestrian Equal Rights Act, and may subject you to sanctions and fines, up to and including three thousand bits, as well as punative injunctions, and statutory damages.

Accordingly, you have no right to continue to deprive my client of her rightful job opportunities, and I demand that you immediately:

Hire Sparklepuff Glitterpants as your captain of your personal guard.

Supply her with with all commenserate pay and benefits of her position.

Supply her with a wheel chair and one of those weird cart thingies with tennis balls on two of the feet that you push around for some reason, in complaince with the Equestrians With Disabilities Act.

Provide written assurances to me that you have complied with all these directives, and will not, in the future, deny any prospective employee her rights to gainful employment in your royal guard on the basis of gender or age.

Submit your written assurances to me no later than next week, to ensure that my client is not forced to consider further action.

Signed, Tough Cookie, Esquire.

Author's Note

This one wasn't technically a sprint. I just did it for a laugh, but it was a writing exercise and it took about 20 minutes so here it is.

The Lair

Author's Note

I decided to experiment with a story that was entirely second person dialog. I was planning on finishing this story up, but it's actually really hard to compellingly write in this style. I might practice it more so that I could actually push out a full story of this nature, but I don't think I'm going to finish this particular horror tale.

I think you can imagine how it ends, though. I wasn't going to throw in any surprises.

Happy Halloween.

The Lair

Hush, my little pony. It’s okay now. Just relax. Let me hold you close.

There. Don’t you feel better now? I hope you’re not confused, dear. Hush now; don’t squirm. Don’t squirm. There… There… You see? Doesn’t it feel good? Such pleasant waves washing over you, and my carapace is so soft.

Ah! Oh, yes! That’s it. Cuddle in. Cuddle in, my dearest love.

Was that a little tremble? Do my words affect you so? It’s no surprise. You’re mine. You belong to me.

Aw. Aren’t you the sweetest colt. Tsk. It’s a shame you’re so young. You’re barely a stallion, but … no, young or not, you’re still a stallion. I sense I’m not going to be your first. No. The fillies of your kind, they take quite an interest in you, my handsome colt. Perhaps some of them might even love you as I do.

Ahhh, there you go. Yes, that’s okay. Touch all you want. It feels good, doesn’t it? That’s the venom. It’s changed your thoughts. I’m sorry for surprising you, dear, when you first came into my brood lair. I needed to bite you. It’s in my nature. Oh how confused you must have been when I let you go. But I knew you’d be back. Every colt comes back. Sometimes it takes a day, sometimes a month, sometimes a year but every colt comes back.

Oh? Was that a flinch? Don’t worry, those other colts aren’t around, anymore. It’s just you and me.

Oh we’re going to have so much fun. You’re going to feel better than you have in your entire life. I’ll tell you a secret, my darling. Imagine yourself being bitten by me again. Oooouhh I bet you didn’t expect it to feel that good just thinking about it, did you? Listen to you gasp. Your fur is standing up. And that blush, oh my darling, you have nothing to be embarrassed about.

Watch my fangs; see how far the extend? Can you imagine them piercing you? Just focus on it my love. The feeling will only grow stronger. Just savor this. I want to take it slow.

Oh, my love. I see you eying the exit. Why do you still have doubts? You know these cravings won’t just go away. Every time you close your eyes and imagine me, your body grows tense with desire. Every time you imagine me holding you, drawing you into my web, the pleasure grows.

Hush, my little pony. I’m not going to let you go. Destiny was written when you entered into my legs. It cannot be unwritten.

Calm, my sweet. There is nothing out there for you. Even if you went all the way home, you would still be mine. I know how you felt every day since you first met me. You imagine me holding you, wrapping you up, being with you forever. You imagine being the father of my brood, and the longing feels like fire. Thoughts of surrender replay again and again in your mind. Kneeling. Collapsing. Confessing your love. You welcome these thoughts. You welcome them because these imaginings things gives you a sweet rush—A tingle from your loins to your pasterns. You always suspected that those feelings are a pale shadow compared to the real thing, but now you know it’s a fact.

Naughty Poker

Applejack winced when Rarity dropped her hoof of cards onto the table. “Full house!” she announced with an uproarious bubbly giggle.

Applejack frowned and blushed. “Well. I—consarnit.”

She dropped her cards face down on the table and frowned. “Rarity, I don’t know if I want to play anymore. This is like the time you made us go to the gala like.. like that, I ain’t never been more embarrassed in my life.”

Rainbow Dash laughed derisively, and said “Oh, now she wants to back out, but I don’t remember her complaining back when she was winning eh?” She picked up her cigar, and leaned back in her chair, taking a self satisfied puffing drag.

Applejack frowned. “Ah ain’t no poor sport. Y’all take that back!”

Fluttershy meeped and hid behind her cards.

Rainbow Dash waved a hoof dismissively. “Prove me wrong then. Do it.”

Applejack felt the distinctive tingle of her cheeks flushing. “Y’all just want to see me all indecent.”

Twilight Sparkle smirked, “She does have a point.”

“Guilty as charged!” Dash cackled.

Rarity leaned in to watch Applejack, bouncing and clapping gleefully. “Come on, it’s not a very big one.”

Applejack’s blush only got hotter with that. “Pinkie Pie, back me up here.”

“Nuh uh sillypants. You wanted to play, now you gotta do it! I already did it three times!”

“‘Sillypants?’ Y’all have a way with words.”

The girls broke out laughing, and Applejack couldn’t help but feel that they were all staring rather intently at her. “Y’all—Y’all aren’t allowed to like it! That’d just be weird.”

Twilight leaned back and took a swig of her whiskey with a wild grin. “No promises baby. Let’s see it.”

Applejack blushed hotly, and pulled a t-shirt from the box, and slipped it on slowly, despite being leered at by all the girls at the table. “Woo! Put it on!” Rarity screamed.

Applejack’s cheeks burned now, and she hid her face. It’s already lecherous enough to walk around town wearing a hat, but to wear a full set of socks, jeans, and a t-shirt?

“How positively scandalous! You know if you lose another hoof, you’re going to have to wear a bridle don’t you?”

Applejack growled. “Ah don’t wanna play no more! This game ain’t right, and Rainbow Dash is likin’ it a little too much!”

Rainbow Dash only grinned in her defense.

Applejack tugged her socks off in a huff, and kept going until she was good and naked again like a proper pony. “Y’all are goin’ tah Tartarus.”

She stormed off despite the jeering behind her.