You Know What They Say About Alicorns

by Sparkler

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Cadance, Comedy, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, Random, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Luna, Original Character
Length: 4329

A day guard and a night guard discuss their charges, and rumors fly. [Mature/sex for explicit language.]

When you work with the Princesses on a day to day basis like these two guards do, you hear things. And you see things. Maybe, you start to infer things about their Royal Highnesses, as well. With just a little help from the coworkers to feed your suspicions and bounce your baseless hearsay off of, and you really can get the rumor mill really flying.

(Rated mature/sex due to language and sexual subject matter, but contains no explicit sexual encounters. Written for the Futa Friday prompt for September 20th.)

Published 2013-09-21 09:00:05 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-30 22:59:55 UTC

( and I'm not talking about their horseshoes )

"Hail. The Day Court is ready to stand down."

"Oh, come off it. It's the same old, same old. Her Royal Highness Luna will be here shortly, but until then, we've got time to kill."

"... you know, the princesses hired us to keep order and peace. You could try to take your job a little more seriously."

"Heh, nothing doing. We could be invaded by a giant minotaur made of jelly tomorrow, life's too short to take seriously."

"Seriously, a jelly minotaur."

"No more ridiculous than a dracoequus."

"You are a shame to the court, you know that."

"And you've got that stick shoved so far in I'm surprised your cutie mark isn't a popsicle."

It was the same old argument between the day guard and night guard, a familiar back and forth bickering. Their rivalry never boiled over - but only because they both kept it on a low simmer. However, there was one thing they could both agree on.

"Twilight is doing fine, after her first month in court. I dare say she's enjoying herself, now."

"I'll say. Just look at her - two weeks ago she was a nervous wreck. Now she looks positively bored."

"She'll solve Equestria like it was some sort of particuarly complex equation, I'm certain."

"Ah, here comes my charge, now. Once they do the handoff you'll be out of here and I'll have my seat back. Thanks for keeping it warm for me, chum."

"Well, that'll be some time. This is the only time all three of them really have to talk. So I think I'll keep my seat warm a little longer, thank you."

Day and night guard watched as their newest princess smiled to her mentor, then leaned up for a gentle hug, neck to neck. It was the sort of casual, adoring affection that a princess could never show in public - but now, in this between-time between day and night court, the alicorns could behave like any other sort of pony.

"I'd say she looks quite happy."

"I'd say she looks quite smitten. Just look at those wings fluffing up."

"Princess Twilight? Or Princess Celestia's?"

"Both, really. Look at them, like two fillies acourt."

"For all intents and purpose, Princess Twilight may as well be a filly."

"Her wings certainly pop up like a youngster's."

The day guard gave the night guard a cross look, which the night guard acknowledged in the way he stuck his tongue out.

"You know, it's uncouth to comment on the state of a lady's wings."

"Well, we're talking about the Princesses, here."

"And that means you can disrespect them?"

"No, it means we're not talking about ladies."

"Oh, not this again..."

The room suddenly burst into laughter, as the three alicorns shared a private joke. The three of them were casual and unguarded, making both the guards smile themsleves.

"It's good to see Princess Celestia smiling again. After her sister, Discord, Chrysalis, any of a dozen other things in recent memory, I was beginning to think that laughter had died in the Equestrian throne room."

"Yeah. But watch her eyes, man. Look who they are looking at."

"What? Princess Celestia and Princess Twilight are talking to each other..."

"... and Luna keeps looking between them. She feels like a third wheel. If she didn't have court in a few minutes, I daresay she'd excuse herself."

"Third wheel? Oh, you don't mean..."

"Think about it. Celestia always does that flutter thing when Twilight steps in a room for the first time in the day, and they've started leaving together. Her laughs come so much more easily. And when there's a break and they have nothing to do, they just look at each other."

"My friend... are you saying that our two princesses are in love?"

"Nothing so romantic, I'm afraid. No, I'm just implying that after a thousand years, Celestia finally got her cork popped."

The day guard sputtered, and the night guard laughed heartily, although he quieted down after the noises drew the curious glances of three princesses. With a sheepish grin, he waved, and they readily returned to their conversation.

"I don't know if you're aware, but that phrase usually refers to the male of the species."

"And in this case, it's appropriate. Alicorns have the advantages of all the pony tribes, right?"

"Yes, this is true."

"So it only stands to reason that they have the advantages of all the pony genders, too."

"... friend, your logic is as airtight as it is thought out."

"I know, right? Batpony logic forever."

The day guard grumbled as his younger companion on the night guard preened himself. But, as he looked at the facts, he couldn't help but smile.

"They have been... acting quite affectionately towards each other, lately. And I suppose it makes a sort of sense, thinking about it from Celestia's point of view. Smart, cute, sweet, genuine girl. Saves her sister, saves her niece, stopped world-threatening evil more times than most ponies our age have married."

"Most ponies your age, you mean."

"... that doesn't even make sense."

"Your mom doesn't make sense."

"... anyways. Her student starts to surpass the master - so she doesn't have to look at her as a pupil, but as a peer. And then, just to top it all off- Twilight Sparkle becomes Princess Twilight Sparkle. Suddenly, she has someone she can spend eternity with that is not related to her."

"Wait. Not Cadance?"

"Don't you remember history? Someone had to found the Crystal Empire."

"Oh. So you mean she-"

"... if we assume that Luna, Celestia, and Twilight are... doubly gifted... then we have to assume Cadance is too."

"Ah. But, still, that leaves Celestia incredibly close to an alicorn not of her own flesh and blood."

"True. And this raises the question: Do either of them have enough experience in courting to know about taking the first steps carefully?"

The two guards shared a look, and hung their heads, sharing a mutual sigh.

"So. Our princesses are going out."

"At the very least, they're going at it."

"... you know, now I can't get that image out of my head."

"... neither can I, now."

"Well, stand up straight, angle the hips downwards, and think unsexy thoughts, my friend."

"... you know, that's how the princesses all walk. Hips up high and thighs in tight. Just the thing to hide away their-"

"-I did not need to think about our princesses' priapic problems, either."

"Come on, surely they have the ability to empathi- salutes!"

Quickly, both guards raised their hooves to their foreheads, as Twilight Sparkle and Celestia walked out, leaving Luna to hold court. Neither said a word or made a motion as the princesses nodded to them, but both noticed as their rulers walked in the direction of Celestia's bedchambers - and with their wings softly extended, to touch the other's.

"Well. Now that we've looked..."

"... we can remove all doubt."

"They're in love."

"Or at least in lust. Did you see Celestia shuffling?"

"... I did my best to not see it, friend."

"Do you think Twilight got hers, yet?"

"I'm not following here."

"You know. Her rod of rulership. Her display of imperial force. Her staff of office. The royal weights and measure. Her sheathed sceptre-"

"I caught your meaning after the first euphemism."

"Sorry, I was on a roll. Oh, last one: Her alicorn cannon."

"And if there was any doubt here, you just blew it away."

"You know, I bet that's how it started. First evening thinking of, I don't know, whatever would bring her around - and there's no hiding she changed down there. So there's exactly one pony in the world she can trust. And, well, that conversation could go any of a dozen ways..."

"... but they all end roughly the same. Either they declare love for each other, or at they very least, they stop being afraid of each other."

"And then they banged."

The day guard sighed, and rolled his eyes.

"So, it's true. Our princesses are, if not in love, then at the very least, in the practice of love."

"I have to wonder - who's on top?"

"I - I'd think that would be obvious."

"Who do you think?"

"Well... well, who's bigger, obviously."

"Yes, but our little Princess Twilight's a little control freak. I bet once she tried it she'd never give that position up."

"Why are we discussing which princess goes on top?"

"Why, indeed."

Both guards whirled around to face their boss - the Captain of the Guard, Shining Armor - and raised their hooves to their foreheads. He did not acknowledge them, so they kept in their parade ground formation.

"I've been listening to the both of you talking. So far, you've discussed the sexual attributes of my wife, my sister, and my ruler. I'm certain you would have got around to her sister, if you had been talking much longer."

Shining Armor did not invite question, and he still did not formally acknowedge them. So they kept in formation. That, alone, let them know how completely and utterly boned they were.

"And I know what you're wondering. Are the rumors true?"

The two guards shared a look.

"And I can tell you - yes, it's completely true. At ease, gentlecolts."

The two guards finally relaxed their stances.

"Because you're going to need it. Starting tomorrow, both of you are on stained glass detail until otherwise noticed."

"But, Captain-"

"-neither of us are unicorns. We can't manipulate those tools while climbing the ladder..."

"Funny. I don't recall asking."

"And - how long will this last?"

"I don't know. That's up to her to decide."

Shining Armor pointed across the throne room to Princess Luna, who waved to them, wearing a smug smile that was entirely too feline.

"I'm sure she'll be able to tell you once you've done enough. Look on the bright side - you'll remember this forever as the day you learned quiet conversation carries very well across an empty room."

The two guards looked at each other, their faces going pale.

"So we'll see you both at sunrise sharp tommorow."

"But Captain, my shift goes until sunrise, by definition-"

"Funny. I don't recall asking. Is there anything else?"

The two guardponies looked at each other, and shook their heads. Satisfied, Shining Armor nodded.

"Excellent. I look forwards to these stained glass panels shining like they haven't in centuries. Dismissed."

The two were still stunned - the day guard did not immediately retire to his quarters, and the night guard did not immediately resume his post. So, while he still had their attention, Shining Armor smirked.

"Besides, gentlecolts, there's no reason to speculate. Speaking from personal experience, Cadance is bigger than those three put together."

Let's Give Them Something To Talk About

Princesses Celestia and Twilight Sparkle walked together, side by side; their wings just barely touched as they left the throne room, their gaze occasionally directed at each other, making the briefest of glances - something that was not lost on their honor guards. Staying in near-touch, the two turned towards Celestia's bedchambers, a slight smile on their faces as they walked the long hallway. Occasionally, castle staff would pass them by, at which point they would pointedly avoid eye contact, to be made again after passing their potential witness. They finally made it to the base of Celestia's tower in the castle...

... at which point, being certain they were out of earshot, the two alicorns collapsed, bursting out in laughter.

"Oh, did you see the look on their faces?" Twilight chortled, wiping away a tear.

"It was priceless," Celestia agreed, hugging her sides to her. "Oh, they didn't expect a thing-"

Celestia sat up, and turned to Twilight. But unlike their spontaneously planned show, there seemed to be a genuine quiver to her lips, a certain nervousness.

Is she... is she blushing? But we agreed that we'd only do this to tease the castle staff...

You know, for a normal pony, blushing would indicate attraction.

But she's not a normal pony, however. Who's to say that that flushed tone to her cheeks means exactly the same as it would for a regular pony?

Nothing, really. But we can investigate, form a hypothesis, start an investigation...

What are you thinking, Twilight Sparkle? You can't do science on her! She's your teacher! Your friend!

That didn't stop you from studying Pinkie Pie.

...Okay, maybe I can do a little science.

Twilight did her level best to keep her tone respectful, yet casual and informal, hoping she could mask the slight stutter from her nervousness. "Princess... are you feeling all right?"

"Myself? Why... yes, Twilight, I am." Celestia turned to face Twilight, her voice returning to its more casual self. "I do thank you for playing along with my little idea."

"Playing along... yeah," Twilight said, smiling awkwardly. She felt her heart sink at those words, but she kept on a strong face and fixed Celestia with a sly little smile.

"You know, if we want to mock these rumors... we might have to do more than one brief walk through the castle."

"Oh?" Celestia's puzzled voice did not match her poker face. "What would you suggest we do?"

"I think we should keep at this 'play' for a while," Twilight said. She was improvising, but she had read enough romantic comedies to have an idea of what ideas to suggest. "Sit a little too close together in court, walk together in the halls, that sort of thing."

"Yes, quite," Celestia mused quietly.

"And to top it off," Twilight said, a slight waver to her voice, "I could come visit you in your bedchambers, conspicuously alone... ooh! Even better! Maybe I could pointedly ask the guards to grant the both of us privacy for the evening."

"Ah... yes. That is a wonderful plan," Celestia smiled, although she was facing away from Twilight. "So we might prolong our ruse. But-"

Twilight politely cleared her throat "Princess?" She smiled awkwardly, but pointed with a hoof. "Your wings are... extended."

The older princess quickly turned to face Twilight - then to look at her own wings, which had indeed stretched out. Celestia cleared her throat - the closest Twilight had ever seen Celestia come to make a surprised noise - and flapped once, having to fight some internal tension to bring them back to her sides.

"Thank you, Twilight - it would not do for a princess to be seen lingering in full display." Celestia chuckled. "Even if it would serve our purposes for our little ruse..."

"Yes." Twilight smiled softly. "Of course. Our ruse."

The conversation paused there - neither having words to say. Something in Celestia's stance changed, however, and before the older princess had a chance to say anything, Twilight blurted out, "Wait!"

"I'm right here, Twilight," Celestia said, as she eased herself back into the role of a mentor figure. "What troubles you?"

"There's... one part of this. Of all this. That I haven't quite got a hold on yet." Twilight's stammer was rising like her blush, and now it was her turn to hide it.

You can't just discuss this with her!

Why not? She's as forgiving and understanding as all my friends and family combined...

It's not what I'm about to ask - even though it kind of is. It's who I'm about to ask!

Celestia's worried voice intruded on Twilight's internal catatonia. "What troubles you?"

"I... I don't know how to deal with..."

Twilight cringed to feel Celestia's hoof raised to her back, but she relaxed a little.

"I... I don't know how to say this," Twilight said, shaking her head. "But... you know how sometimes you get your wings... stuck like that, extended, when you're excited or... interested in somepon-something?"

Celestia nodded silently. "That's only to be expected, Twilight," Celestia said, her hooves pulling Twilight gently to her. "After all, even at my age, it's inevitable; a mare your age shouldn't be surprised-"

"It has nothing to do with being a mare!" Twilight shouted, although she caught herself, squirming away as far as she could without actually leaving her teacher's hooves. "It's..." She hung her head, defeated. "It's not my wings I can't keep down."

Celestia blinked. "You mean, your-"

"-my newly-acquired masculine primary characteristics, yes," Twilight said, her head down. "I... I didn't think it would be that big of a deal! But now I can't even go an hour without something stirring or moving or-or-" Her blush became an ashamed smile- "Or slipping into open air."

"Ah." Celestia gave a slight nod, and turned away. "I can see how that would give rise to discomfort."

"Discomfort? Try fear!" Twilight rolled her eyes. "I can't even rise from my place in the throne room. Some cute stallion - or worse, some cute mare, that never used to happen - comes to us in court and bam, I'm stuck with my hips in tight and my body firmly pressing it down on myself. And what's worse, because every day I'm on the throne, I have-" Twilight quickly edited her sentence in midstream- "-to see certain ponies again. And it's hard to hide it."

"I see." Celestia's wing and hoof moved from around Twilight, but she made no effort to step away - and her voice and was just as gentle as ever. Just as regally composed.

"So... what do you do, Celestia? I mean... You always seem so composed. The idea that you could have a... that, is so unthinkable as to be rumor. You never have this problem." Twilight turned to her, trotting around so she met Celestia's glance. "Please, princess... you have to tell me your secret!"

"Ah. My secret." Celestia cleared her throat.

It's not what you're about to tell her. It's who.

She's no fool. She's canny. But she can be... led astray by research. It would be best for her if I just told her...

This line can never be crossed back. But... more than nostalgia, what reason do I have to hide from her the truth, plainly requested?

Celestia cleared her throat, and tossed her head, casually examining for any eavesdroppers. "I'm afraid it's not much of a secret at all, my dear Twilight. But I think to explain it best, I should discuss something of the male of our species..."

Twilight nodded, looking up to her teacher, like she had many times before. It was all Celestia had to not simply drop the subject.

"... the primary difference between the two mundane genders, of course, being their primary attributes. Each is wired to play a different, yet complementary, role in the process of reproduction-"

"I'm aware of that," Twilight said pithily. "Especially since now everything seems to compliment one part of me or another."

Celestia couldn't help but chuckle, but she continued. "True. Especially since your new masculine attributes will work on the masculine cycle. I take it you are familiar with gamete generation in both genders?"

Twilight rolled her eyes again, but nodded.

"From here, then, it bears mentioning that hormones are tied to their organs - to oversimplify a subject that doctoral papers can and have been written about," Celestia stated. "While the female organs work on a slow cycle, male organs work on a constant process - the difference between the orbit of a comet, and water building behind a dam."

"And what does that have to do with... well... the fact that it jumps around at the sight of just about anypony cute?"

"Twilight," Celestia said, a hint of something like irritation in her voice - she had hoped not to have to spell it out. "If the behaviors of our bodies are influenced by the hormones running rampant through them... then in order to no longer be ruled by them..."

"... you have to destroy the source?"

"I... was not referring to such extreme measures, my dear Twilight. Tell me... when was the last time you cleared your system?"

"Cleared my system?"

"Emptied your body of your... excess gametes."

"Ah... about three weeks ago," Twilight said, with a shamed face. "I woke up from a very vivid dream, and I had-had..."

"Twilight," Celestia said, her voice stern. "Are you telling me you never tend to your own needs?"

"No, I... wait." Twilight finally registered what she was being asked, and her wings spread outwards. "Are you asking me if I... hoof it?"

"... in short, yes. In my experience, it is better to satisfy urges such as those in a quiet, controlled environment... than to hope you can get through a day without it becoming uncontrollable."

"Wait a minute. Celestia do you... In quiet, controlled environments..."

Celestia's jaw dropped - for only a moment. "I... manage my needs," she admitted, in a quiet voice.

"Then maybe you can answer my next question," Twilight said, grumpily. Celestia gave a noncommittal noise of curiousity, which was all her student needed to continue:

"How in the world am I supposed to 'manage' it?"

She was fixed with an incredulous look. "Twilight - for a curious mare such as yourself, I thought you would have conducted these sorts of investigations on your own initiative-"

"And nothing works! I mean... I've tried magic, I've tried my hooves. I even tried a-a toy, after-" Twilight swallowed. "... anyways. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

"And when you are... trying this... what are you thinking about?'"

"I... uhm. How much I want it to go away..."

Celestia shook her head. "That won't quite... perform the task. Visualization influences action. If you don't want it to work, then... well, it won't."

"So, what do you recommend?"

Celestia smiled wanly. "I think my answer might be one near and dear to your heart: Literature. There are quite a lot of stories, of many genres and moods, which can... greatly assist in visualization.." Her wings flapped once, and were pointedly and forcefully folded back against her sides. "Of course, in order to assist, I replace the protagonists with myself and... another."

"Replace?"

Celestia's nod was shallow. "I could never actually... approach someone. But with a story close at hoof, I can easily imagine..." Celestia sighed, and shook her head.

Silence reigned for a moment. But, though Twilight could feel the hurt radiating off of Celestia's sullen body language, she wrapped a wing about her mentor.

"Princess... is there somepony you like?"

"My crown keeps them away, and always will."

"That's... not quite what I meant. And it's not like you to answer a question other than what's asked. Unless..." Twilight drew her breath in sharply. "Princess...?"

Before the question could even be worded, she felt Celestia tense up. So Twilight took a moment to gather her breath, before continuing on.

"Celestia... I have a hypothesis. And you're going to help me test it. I'm pretty certain it's true, but... I have to know. I know it'll hurt, but..." Twilight sighed. "I think it'll help."

Celestia's head turned, puzzled. "What are you proposing, Twilight...?"

"I have a question. It's just a true-false question. You don't have to answer it right away." Twilight sighed. "And in return... I'll let you ask any personal, true-false question you want of me. No matter how ruinous. I'll let you decide how... how bad my question was. Then, after we have asked our questions..." She raised a hoof, and let it fall limply. "I'll tap my hoof three times... and on the third tap, we have to answer, truthfully."

There was nothing more than breathing, and their bodies leaning close to each other under Twilight's wings. Twilight wondered if she had stepped to far as the silence stretched out, overtaking the entire room. Finally, in a voice that bore none of her usual courtly grace and regal volume, Celestia whispered: "I agree to these terms, Twilight."

"Alright," Twilight said. She did her best to resist a nervous giggle; she was incredibly flustered, but laughing at her teacher and oldest friend in her moment of weakness would do nothing to calm either of them. "Then, my question for you, Princess, is... is the pony you imagine being with as you manage your needs present in this room right now."

Celestia swayed against Twilight... then, briefly nodded. "You would extract a high price from me. Very well; in return, Twilight, I have this question for you: Is the pony that stirs you day in and day out in court, the one that gives you such trouble managing yourself, similarly present here now."

"Well," Twilight laughed bitterly. "At least we're playing for identical stakes, it seems."

After a moment in which there was no response, Twilight stepped away - and, demonstratively, raised her hoof. "I'm going to tap to three."

Celestia had closed her eyes; there was no motion besides her mane, ever billowing, obscuring her face. "On your count, Twilight."

Twilight, in response, closed her eyes. It's entirely possible I just played this wrong. I think I know her answer. I'm positive I know her answer. But-I have to know the truth. Swallowing, her hoof struck the ground.

Celestia sighed. Of course she will say 'no'. A mare her age. A mare my age. Her freedoms, my restrictions. Her science, my traditions. I am the symbol of everything her life is not, everything she resents since her ascension - I am a crown in pony form. Twilight's hoof hit the ground again.

Both hesitated, hoping the other would blink. But there was no sudden burst of hooves; there was no sudden flapping of wings; only the sound of breath. The hoof fell a third time.

"Yes."

"Yes."

Author's Note

Welp, this wasn't finished yet. But I accidentally hit publish.

And it'll screw up everyone's notifications unless they can actually mark the chapter as read.

So. :derpyderp1: