The Day My Beard Turned Into Pinkie Pie

Chapters

How Could This Happen to Me?
This is What it Sounds Like When Beards Cry
You Wouldn't Like it When My Beard is Angry
So You're Telling Me Your Beard Isn't a Rat?
I Dream of Jeanie, My Beard Dreams of Cake
The Bike, The Beard, and the Pizza Guy
Beards Just Want to Have Fun
Night of the Living Beard
A Close Shave
Epilogue: The Day Isn't Quite Over Yet
I Do Believe My Beard Just Bit Me

How Could This Happen to Me?

Harvey Grimwold was drunk.

He stumbled through the door of the Barking Spider tavern and promptly missed the first step leading to the sidewalk entirely. His balance shifted forward and he briefly thought, Where'd the ground go? before collapsing to the pavement. The biker lay prone for a few moments to clear his head. All that forward momentum had sent the world spinning in lazy circles around his eyes. Or were his eyes spinning in circles? He didn't care one way or the other.

Better not let the boys see me like this, he thought to himself.

Ordinarily, Harvey would have gone drinking with his fellow members of the Hell's Angels. Today, however, had been a rough one. He didn't like to bring the boys into his personal troubles. Hanging out with them was for fun times only.

He put an unsteady hand onto the pavement and prepared to haul himself back to his feet. His plans were ruined when he felt a sudden pressure between his shoulder blades that pushed him back down.

"Hey, look at what we have here," a dreadfully familiar voice hissed mockingly as its owner ground his foot harder into Harvey's back. "Could it be the legendary Harvey Grimwold?"

Coarse laughter rose from the other members of the Vagos gang that had surrounded him. The day was about to get much worse.

"Leave me be, Tony. You don't want any trouble you can't handle," Harvey said from his position under Tony's boot.

"Shove it, Grimwold. We know you're alone," the gang member known as Tony responded harshly. " You deserve this for putting Donny in the hospital. You and your goons think you can just beat our brother to a pulp and not expect payback? But don't worry, we won't be taking your life tonight. We like you too much to do that. I think that we'll just take your ride this time!"

He kicked Harvey in the back of the head, bent quickly and searched until he found the right set of keys, then stood up and moved toward a custom 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead that was parked nearby.

"No man, not Jeanie! Hey, get away from my Jeanie!" Harvey called out.

He tried to stand up, but his head spun rapidly and he fell back to the ground. The flashing neon lights of the bar seemed to meld together as he heard his motorcycle start to rev its engine. Aw man, anything but Jeanie, Harvey thought as the other members of the Vagos gang ran over to their rides, laughing at his misfortune along the way.

The sound of nearly a dozen bikes revving filled the night. A few of the Vagos turned around and flashed colorful sign language at him before taking off. The rumble of the motorcycles soon faded away. Putting his hand down for support once more, Harvey finally managed to make it to his feet again. He felt the back of his head and found a lump where Tony had kicked him. He'd have to make the Vagos pay for that, but he had a bigger problem to deal with.

"Jeanie," he mumbled to himself.

He was going to have to bust some heads, it was as simple as that. He was a Hell's Angel, not some chump who rode a Kawasaki. His Jeanie had been irrevocably violated the moment a Vagos crotch had come into contact with her sweet body. He briefly thought of contacting the police, and chuckled at the thought. He'd probably be arrested on the spot. Regardless, he still needed to get his motorcycle back. He decided he'd retrieve it when he went to pay the Vagos back for kicking his head. That had been entirely unnecessary, and retribution was in order.

First thing was first, though. He needed to get home and have some rest.

The piercing sound of the alarm clock stirred Harvey from his deep sleep. He fumbled blindly for the button to turn it off, and managed to knock the entire clock to the floor.

The offending noise continued.

Grumbling, the hung-over biker leaned over the side of the bed and groped about for the clock. He refused to open his eyes just yet, and felt his boots, a few empty beer cans, and a magazine that would either be about motorcycles or girls, he couldn't tell which, before finally reaching the clock and shutting it off.

Why did I even set the alarm? I don't have work today, he thought irritably.

Then he remembered that he couldn't even get to work, or anywhere else. His dear Jeanie had been taken from him. No matter, he'd get it back. He'd just gather a few of the boys and...

No. He couldn't let them know about this. He had been drinking alone, and you just don't do that when you can invite your buddies along. He had a reputation to keep, so he would take care of this little problem by himself. He just wasn't quite sure how to go about that yet. Maybe he'd figure it out after a shower.

Harvey climbed out of bed and stretched. He then walked towards the full-length mirror in the corner of the bedroom, kicking beer cans out from his path along the way. He reached the mirror and had a look. His dull, brown eyes were bloodshot. A bald head helped to steer attention away from his crooked nose. Complimenting it all was a full, thick, brown beard that hung past his throat. His shoulders were broad and well-muscled, though age was slowly beginning to soften areas that had once been solid. He looked down to his beer gut.

"Ooh yeah, the ladies love you, don't they?" he asked his belly. He grabbed it and shook it up and down as if it were vigorously nodding in response. He chuckled to himself and made his way into the bathroom.

Harvey turned on the light and blinked at the sudden brightness. He moved to the toilet, lifted the seat, and began to relieve himself.

"Gonna break me some Vagos tonight!" he sung off-key to himself. "Yeah, boy! Gonna kick some heads!"

He flushed the toilet and moved to the sink to brush his teeth. Looking down, he grabbed a tube of toothpaste and unscrewed the lid.

"Gonna find me some women tonight!" he continued. "Yeah, boy! Gonna get Jeanie back, too!"

He grabbed his toothbrush in his right hand and carefully squeezed a generous amount of green, mint-flavored toothpaste onto it.

"Gonna get drunk tonight! Yeah, boy! Gonna have a good time!"

Harvey looked up into the mirror and raised the toothbrush to his mouth, but stopped suddenly. His mind was reeling. Now why'd my beard go and turn pink? he thought to himself. He watched in horror as the hairs began to shift, revealing a small, pink creature that had been hidden within.

"Hi! I'm Pinkie, we're going to be the best of friends!" the beard creature said to him in a high-pitched, female voice.

Harvey Grimwold dropped his toothbrush, turned around and ran from the bathroom at full-speed. The devil's done come to collect on my sins! he thought wildly.

"Oh good Lord above, I don't want to die yet!" he screamed.

His beard-thing giggled at him, "Oh, don't be a silly filly. You look healthy enough."

"Demon!" Harvey yelled as he raced through the house, "Demon on my face!"

His beard-thing screamed, "Ack, demon! Get it away from me, get it away!" He could feel what seemed to be little arms or legs pounding on his chin.

Harvey was in hysterics and had no idea what to do. He ran around the house, knocking over lamps and overturning tables until his foot finally landed on an empty beer can and he slipped. His head hit the floor with a thud and everything went black.

This is What it Sounds Like When Beards Cry

Harvey Grimwold smiled unpleasantly at his reflection in the mirror. Such a simple, underestimated object had become his temporary savior.

"You get this thing off of me right this instant, mister!" the angry, pink beard-thing shouted.

If only he could do something about the noise. He carefully moved his hand up to the rubber band to ensure it stayed in place, avoiding Pinkie's mouth as he did so. The pony seemed to be attached to his face by her mane and tail, leaving a pink body complete with four legs dangling below. The rest of the hairs on his face had turned pink as well, forming a sort of beard-cocoon or pillow around the pony. Tying the hair up had effectively ended the pink pest's ability to climb around his face or bite him. He had won the war with a simple rubber band.

The biker slapped his belly a few times in an awkward rhythm.

"Trapped the pony with a rubber band, yeah!" he sung happily. "Gonna eat in peace, woo ha!"

He walked quickly back to the kitchen and retrieved the bowl from the floor, kicking bits of cereal under the table and frowning when the marshmallows stuck to his bare foot. He tossed the bowl back onto the table, grabbed his cereal and another can of beer, and soon had breakfast set out before him once more.

He took a large bite, easily evading the frantic movements of his living beard, and savored the moment. It tasted disgusting, but he enjoyed this breakfast much more than any he had previously eaten. He had won another fight. Harvey Grimwold was champion.

His beard-thing began to cry.

The crying was not the small, sniffling kind, either. It was a full-blown, loud, wailing cry of the same sort you might expect from a baby.

Harvey Grimwold's hands clenched the edge of the table as he fought to remain under control. Where did the tears of a beard-thing come from, anyway? He supposed the pony body dangling under his chin was fully formed, so tears weren't that big of a stretch. Besides, it could talk.

"What's wrong, Pinkie?" he asked without any concern whatsoever, and through gritted teeth.

"I'm just so hungry!" she replied through wails. Tiny beard-tears were falling onto the table where they splashed in a quiet rhythm.

"How does a beard even eat, anyway?" the biker asked mostly to himself.

"But I'm not a beard, I'm a pony. Well, at least I was a pony until I got stuck to your face." Her eyes widened in despair, "Maybe I am just a beard now." Tears began to flow anew as the pitiful pink pony pondered the possibilities.

"Aw man, come on. Just stop crying, you're gonna ruin my food," Harvey pleaded as he picked up a few marshmallows from the floor and tossed them back into the bowl.

"Oh, food. All I want is some food, please let me have some!" his beard-thing begged. "Please?"

Harvey sat and stared at the wall for a moment. He observed a particularly large roach as it struggled to climb up to the ceiling. Why was he even considering this?

"Fine. You can have some." he mumbled.

"Yay! I knew you weren't that big of a grouchy old meanie!" she responded happily and began to hum. He could feel her little legs wiggling as if she were dancing.

"Alright, shut up already. How do you eat?" the biker asked irritably.

"With your mouth, of course! Gee, you'd think that as old as you are you'd have figured that out by now!" Pinkie replied from beneath his chin.

"What? No, I meant... ugh. Whatever. How do you want to do this?"

"Just lower me down, captain!" the beard-thing called out happily.

Harvey sighed. He couldn't believe he was doing this. He lowered his chin down and dunked his beard into the cereal with a soft plop.

Pinkie giggled to herself and took a huge bite out of one of the marshmallows.

"Mmm... Om nom nom... Eep. Plegh!" she sputtered as she spit the marshmallow out. "Yuck! What did you soak this thing in?"

"Hey! You spit in my bowl, man!" Harvey raged.

"Sorry. I thought it was a marshmallow, but it tastes awful! I've never had a marshmallow that tastes awful, so this clearly isn't a marshmallow. Just what kind of trickery is this, mister?" Pinkie demanded.

"What are you even talking about? I thought you was hungry," the biker complained, his face red.

"I am, but this was yucky. Do you have any cake?"

"No."

"Let's go bake one!"

"No!"

"Any muffins?"

"No."

"Kumquats?"

"What? No."

"Pie?"

"No!" Harvey yelled.

"Wrong! There's one right here on your face, remember? But really, what do you have to eat?"

"Nothing, now. That was the last of the cereal," the biker replied to the beard-thing. What did I do to deserve this? he thought.

"Let's go to a restaurant!" the pink pony beard sang with glee.

"No!" Harvey gasped. "I can't be seen outside with you on my face like this!"

"Why don't you just cut me down? Just grab some scissors and snippy snip!" She smiled.

Harvey's eyes grew dangerously wide, though Pinkie couldn't see from her vantage point.

"Are you crazy?" he asked. "I'm a Hell's Angel! I've had my beard for eight years, I'm not about to cut it off for any reason. There has to be a way to get you off of my face without ruining my beard."

"Do you know any magic?" she asked.

"The ladies say my hands are magic," Harvey chuckled to himself.

"Great! Use your magic hands and cast some super-duper fantastic spell to get me back to Ponyville. My friends probably miss me by now," the pink beard-thing said.

The biker rolled his eyes and said, "No, that's just a figure of speech, and did you just say there are more of you somewhere?"

"Only when I need to make a point in one of my songs," she replied.

"What?" Harvey gaped.

"Nothing! All of my friends are in Ponyville, remember? I told you when you woke up after you ran all around the house screaming 'demon' which, by the way, was not funny! There weren't even any demons in the house, let alone right next to me on your face!" she huffed.

"Okay, whatever. You're hungry right? I'll just order some pizza and think of some way to hide you before it arrives." Harvey said.

"Oh yes, pizza! I love pizza. Can we get it with daisies and hay and banana peppers?" she giggled while wriggling beneath his face.

"Daisies, what the hell? No!" Harvey growled.

"Fine! What do you usually get on them, a slice of rude with a little bit of grumpy?" the beard-thing taunted.

"No, man. I just get pepperoni and cheese."

"What's a pepperoni? A demonic chilli?"

"What? No, man. It's just meat."

Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "Meat like from animals?"

"Yeah, man. What else would it... Oh. Oh, man. You don't eat meat, do you?" he asked.

"Ya think?" she frowned and crossed her front legs together like arms.

"Sorry. Whatever, we'll just get cheese."

"And banana peppers."

"Fine."

Harvey stood up, walked over to the phone, and dialled.

A series of loud knocks sounded at the front door.

"Pizza!" Pinkie screamed with glee and wiggled her legs happily.

"Shut up! Nobody's supposed to know about you," Harvey whispered harshly.

"Sorry," Pinkie whispered in reply.

Harvey Grimwold moved over to the table and grabbed a twenty dollar bill. He then picked up his old motorcycle helmet from the sofa and carefully put in on. He zipped his leather jacket all the way up to his neck, and gently tucked Pinkie down into his collar. He checked the mirror quickly to ensure that his beard was entirely hidden, then went to the door.

The pizza deliveryman was staring at his feet when Harvey opened the door. He looked up and jumped back a step at Harvey's appearance, nearly dropping the pizza.

"Uh, yeah. Um, here's your pizza," the deliveryman said as he handed the steaming box over. His eyes were glued to the dark, reflective visor as if he had never seen a customer answer the door wearing a helmet. "That comes to $9.99."

Harvey handed the youth the twenty and waited impatiently for his change. The deliveryman handed him back a ten. After an awkward moment of silence in which Harvey hadn't moved, the youth reached into his money pouch and fished out a penny.

"Have a good evening, sir," the young man gulped and hurried away toward his car.

Harvey was just closing the door when a familiar voice called out.

"Hey, Harvey! How you doing, man? You ready to party?" yelled a short man with a thick handlebar moustache as he rushed up the side walk and across Harvey's lawn. The man had a case of beer in his hands.

Jerry Burnside skipped up the steps and patted Harvey hard on the shoulder as he pushed his way into the house.

"Nice getup, man," Jerry laughed as he sat down on the sofa.

Oh, crap, Harvey thought.

You Wouldn't Like it When My Beard is Angry

Jerry Burnside leaned back on the sofa and put his feet up on the coffee table, knocking over empty cans and spilling a few magazines to the floor in the process. He pushed his shoes off using his feet and left them where they fell.

"Looks like I got here just in time, man. You're not going eat that entire thing by yourself, are you?" he asked.

Harvey Grimwold had not moved from the front door. He was still standing with a box of pizza in one hand and the door knob grasped in the other. His face, hidden beneath his helmet, was set in a strange and awful grin. He felt a sharp tug from his beard and snapped out of his trance. He walked over to the couch, set the pizza on the table, and sat down.

"That's what I'm talking about," Jerry said as he opened up the pizza box. His eyes widened for a moment. "Dude, where's the meat? You on a diet or some crap?"

Harvey's helmeted head slowly turned to look at Jerry. His friend was picking at something on his foot as he continued to talk.

"So anyway, I was over at Mike Goff's; Remember him, the one with the lump on his head? Anyway, I was over there and he says to me 'Dude, the Cowboys suck this year,' and I was all 'No man, it's just because of injuries.' But he didn't see it that way and blames the secondary coaches, which is nonsense of course," Jerry stated.

Somewhere beneath Harvey's leather jacket, Pinkie began to stir.

Jerry continued, oblivious to everything else in the room, "I told Mike, I says, 'Bro, I'd bet my ride that the Cowboys will be in the playoffs this year.' Which reminds me, I didn't see your Harley out there. Jeanie, was it?"

"She's being worked on," Harvey said.

"What, man? Can't hear you through the helmet," Jerry responded.

"She's being worked on!" Harvey shouted.

"What, you let someone else touch your girl? Now why the hell did you do that? You know that Harley inside and out, man!" Jerry said with genuine horror.

Harvey was silent. Jerry took it as a sign to keep talking. He grabbed a slice of pizza and resumed.

"Banana peppers, really man? Anyway, I met this dumb chick down at the bowling alley last night. She didn't even know what an F-150 was. Can you believe it? It might be a newer model, but a girl has to know her bikes, man. She just wasn't all there, you know what I mean?" Jerry continued to ramble.

Slowly, Harvey Grimwold's leather jacket began to unzip itself. Jerry didn't seem to notice.

"Then there was this chick, I think her name was Barbara. Like that popular girl's toy you know? Anyway she couldn't even change a spark plug. What's the use of being born if you can't even do that, know what I'm saying?" Jerry said between mouthfuls of pizza.

Pinkie carefully peeked through the jacket and looked at the pizza. She was so close! The smell was causing her mouth to water. She fought back tears of frustration.

"That actually reminds me of the time I took this girl back to my place and it turns out it wasn't a girl at all, man! I don't think I told you about that one yet. It's a long story, but we've got time. So anyway, there I was at the bar and this woman walks up to me..." Jerry began.

Suddenly Harvey Grimwold's jacket pushed apart to reveal a desperate, angry, pink beard-thing hanging from beneath his helmet. It looked to Jerry like some kind of pink rat had been glued to his friend's face.

"For the love of all of Equestria, stop talking and give me that pizza right now!" Pinkie shouted.

Jerry sprang out of his seat. The rat had talked, and he hadn't even been drinking today.

"Holy hell man, your pet rat just... " Jerry began.

But Harvey had stood up, cracked his knuckles, reared his hand back, and struck Jerry squarely in the jaw with his huge fist. Jerry's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he fell onto the pizza and through the coffee table.

Harvey took his helmet off and threw it into the corner of the room. He casually picked up the case of beer Jerry had brought over and went to the kitchen to place it in the fridge.

"Hurry back, the pizza might still be hot!" Pinkie cried desperately from beneath Harvey's chin.

Harvey walked back over to his couch and surveyed the devastation. The pizza was currently laying directly under Jerry Burnside's bottom.

"No. No!" Pinkie gasped. "It's ruined. The pizza is ruined!" she said the last word with venom.

Harvey felt the pony begin to climb up his face. She's still tied, how did she manage that? he thought to himself. Suddenly he felt his nose being sharply jabbed by a small, pink hoof.

"This is all your fault. You didn't have to do that to him." she growled.

Harvey frowned down at his ponified beard. "Stop poking me. I had to knock him out, he saw you," he said.

"You should have just shaved me off ages ago," the pony retorted.

"No way, man. I already explained that," the biker replied.

"I don't care. Shave me off," Pinkie said.

"No."

"Yes."

"No, man. Shut up and let me think."

Pinkie's eyes narrowed and she frowned. It was time for the big guns. She took a large breath.

"Shave me, shave me, shave me, shave me, shave me, shave me! Shave me right this instant!" she screamed.

"Oh yeah? And what's going to happen if I don't?" Harvey grinned dangerously.

"I'll lay you out on that bald tush of yours! You really want to step to this?" Pinkie said through gritted teeth. Her eyes suddenly grew wide and she brought her front hooves up to her mouth. "Oh my goodness, what was that I just said? That was so mean, Pinkie would never say that to anyone!"

Harvey looked down at the pony with amusement. So she had some fortitude in her. Good for her.

Pinkie was still troubled, however. She looked down and thought for a moment, then her eyes widened.

"It is your fault!" she said in triumph.

"What's my fault?" Harvey asked curiously.

"It's your fault I said that mean stuff. I mean, it's obvious isn't it? I'm stuck to your face right now, so technically we're one creature. Your personality is tied to mine now, and because you're a big meanie you just caused me to be a big meanie," she said miserably.

"That doesn't make a damned shred of sense," Harvey huffed.

"And having a pony stuck to your face suddenly does make sense? That's great, it looks like the big, rude, ugly meanie has all of the answers. I'd give you a cookie, but you'd probably just beat it up," Pinkie glared at the biker before her expression changed. "Oh no, I'm doing it again."

Harvey ignored her and began dragging Jerry's unconscious body through the house and into the spare bedroom. He bent down and, after a moments struggle, managed to lift Jerry onto the bed. He then walked to one of the drawers in the living room, opened it up, and retrieved a couple extension cords. He returned to the bedroom and began to tie Jerry's arms and legs to the bedposts.

"What are you doing to your friend? Is he not your friend now? Maybe I don't want to be your friend if this is what you do to them," Pinkie said thoughtfully. "Nah, we can still be friends. You just need to be nicer!"

Harvey ignored her. He went to another part of the house and found some duct tape. He pulled a piece off, returned to the bedroom, and placed it firmly over Jerry's mouth.

When he was finished, he slapped his belly with a chuckle. "Problem solved, woo ha!"

"Really?" Pinkie asked with a deadpan look.

Harvey walked out of the bedroom, slamming the door behind him. He walked over to the phone, picked it up, and dialled. After a moment, someone answered.

"Yeah hello? Hey, your stupid driver dropped my pizza, man. Yeah, it's ruined. Yes, I still have the box and can prove it. No, man, send another driver this time. Alright then," he said.

Harvey Grimwold sat on the sofa, crossed his arms, and waited for the second pizza to arrive.

So You're Telling Me Your Beard Isn't a Rat?

Stanley Turner turned the steering wheel and pulled his 1979 Chevy Nova onto Harding Drive. The address he was heading towards seemed familiar, but he couldn't quite place it. He drove slowly, trying to make out the numbers on each home as he passed. Finally, he spotted the house he was looking for, 34 Harding Drive.

Oh no, not this house, the troubled young man thought to himself. He had suddenly realized why the address had been so familiar.

He parked the car and allowed for a few moments to compose himself. Scanning the driveway, he noticed there were no motorcycles parked out front. Perhaps he would luck out after all. He looked at his reflection in the rear-view mirror.

You can do this. You've been trained for this kind of thing, he thought.

He wiped his sweating palms on his shirt and took a few deep breaths. He was just doing what he was paid to do, nothing more. Just stay focused on the job, right?

This job's going to kill me.

Stanley Turner unfastened his seat belt with a shaking hand. It was time to perform the job. He grabbed the box of pizza and made his way towards the Grimwold residence.

"Pizza!" Pinkie squealed after hearing several knocks at the door. She began giggling uncontrollably.

"Hey man, I told you about that," Harvey glared.

"Sorry!" Pinkie said through her giggles. She took a deep breath and tried to remain calm.

Harvey grabbed his motorcycle helmet and carefully put it on again, tucking Pinkie the Beard into his leather jacket once more. He zipped it to the neck, checked the mirror again, and answered the door.

"Oh Jesus!" Stanley Turner blurted at the sight of Harvey as the door swung open. This was it, his short life was already over.

Harvey slowly held out a hand and waited.

Stanley's eyes darted around, looking for an escape of some kind. They locked onto the coffee table. Oh God, he's so angry about the pizza that he broke his table in half, he thought with despair. He looked back up into the dark visor of the helmet.

"Here's your pizza!" he said a little too loudly. "It's really hot and probably perfect in every way possible. In fact... in fact your next pizza is free."

Harvey stood motionless, waiting.

Stanley's eyes began to glisten. "So... so you have nothing to worry about, and... Oh God, please don't kill me!" he pleaded, falling to his knees and sobbing.

The biker grabbed the pizza box from the deliveryman and slammed the door shut. Muffled sobs could be heard through the door. He walked over to the sofa, sat down, then eyed the coffee table with annoyance. He stood back up and walked to the kitchen, retrieved a chair, and returned to the sofa. Sitting down, he used the chair as a temporary table and set the pizza down on it.

Harvey Grimwold's jacket unzipped and a frantic Pinkie Pie swung merrily back and forth on the biker's chin as she began to sing.

"Oh my name is Pinkie Pie and I suddenly appeared,
On a big old meanie's face as a big pink pony beard,
I thought that he would starve me, yes that is what I feared,
But then the pizza guy arrived and I danced and sang and cheered, yeah!"

Harvey closed his eyes in frustration. "Shut up and eat," he growled.

"Yes, sir!" she complied. She held her hooves out to retrieve the hot, delicious-looking pizza slice that the biker was about to hand her.

Just then, there came another knock on the door.

Harvey tossed the pizza slice back into the box. Pinkie watched him close the pizza box with eyes that began to fill with tears, while the biker quickly retrieved his helmet again and began to put it on.

"No!" Pinkie screamed. "I can't take it any longer, I need that pizza now!" She was hyperventilating.

"Quiet!" Harvey scolded in a whisper.

"Never!"

The biker sighed and pulled the helmet on, then zipped his jacket up as far as possible before reaching into it and placing a finger in Pinkie's mouth. She struggled, but was effectively gagged.

Stanley Turner was looking down at the three pizza boxes he was carrying when the door opened. "Hi there, Mr. Grimwold. I'm sorry I acted like that a few minutes ago. I just came to give you these pizzas as an apology for my behavior," he said as he finally looked up. His eyes fell upon the hand that was reaching into the leather jacket.

He's pulling a gun on me! Stanley thought with terror. He emitted a high-pitched, whining scream as he dropped the pizzas, turned on his heels, and fled. He fell down the porch stairs, but was back on his feet within seconds. The young man jumped over the hood of his 1979 Chevy Nova, collapsing to the pavement on the other side. Within moments, he was in his car and screeching away from 34 Harding Drive, clipping the truck that was parked in front of him along the way.

Harvey watched as the Nova screeched around the corner and disappeared. He then removed his finger from Pinkie's mouth, scooped up the remarkably unharmed pizza boxes, and closed the door. He returned to the sofa, tossed the extra pizzas onto the floor, and gave Pinkie her long-awaited pizza slice.

She grabbed it in all four hooves and took a giant bite. "Oh yeah, that's the good stuff," she said happily. She finished the slice in two more large bites. Harvey wondered how she could fit it all in her stomach.

The biker and his beard-thing ate happily, and were able to relax for the first time since meeting each other.

Jerry Burnside slowly opened his eyes. He looked around, then squinted in pain. His jaw felt awful. What had happened today? He couldn't remember. He tried to move a hand to his jaw, but his hands seemed to be tied to bedposts.

Not again, he mused quietly to himself.

A pleasant smell caressed his nose. He knew that smell. That right there was the smell of a Meat Giant from Gongo's Pizza. Sixteen inches in diameter, with a base of barbecue sauce and mozzarella cheese. It would be filled to overflowing with ham, beef, bacon, chicken, sausage, pepperoni, salami, and mini-meatballs. It was then topped with an extra layer of cheese and a swirl of mayonnaise. It was his favorite, and there was one nearby.

He looked over at the bedside table. There it is. There was a can of beer right next to it.

Suddenly the bedroom door opened and Harvey Grimwold entered the room. He was wearing his old motorcycle helmet from when he'd first begun riding, as well as his Angel's jacket. The jacket was ludicrously zipped all the way up to his neck. Man, what's this all about? he thought.

Harvey came over and sat down on the edge of the bed. He held a note in front of Jerry's eyes.

Jerry,

You got drunk and were violent, so I had to tie you up, brother. That's not
important though. You see that pizza and beer? If you want it, you need to
promise me you'll never talk about what I'm going to show you. I swear man,
I'll have to off you if this gets out to anyone. Now choose, the pizza or your
life.

Jerry winced as Harvey reached over and ripped the duct tape from his mouth. "Ow man, my moustache!" he complained.

Harvey pointed at the note.

"Hell, man. That's about the easiest thing I've ever had to decide. I'll take the pizza and beer."

Harvey grabbed the pizza box and tossed it onto Jerry's chest. He opened it up, took a slice out, and held it before Jerry's face. He pulled the slice back when Jerry tried to take a bite.

Jerry sighed, "Yeah, man. I'm not going to talk about whatever it is you want to show me. This isn't about that time we were in Sturgis and I knocked your ride over, is it? I just can't handle a whole bottle of Jack, man. I can't help it, I just get to drinking and... "

Harvey held up a finger to silence him, then allowed Jerry a bite of pizza.

"Man, that's the best," Jerry said after he swallowed. "No better pizza than a Meat Giant."

Harvey took a deep breath, then quickly took the helmet off. He unzipped his jacket, and just as Jerry was thinking maybe he should have chosen to die after all, a pink ball of hair emerged from beneath it.

"Hi, I'm Pinkie! You and I are going to be best friends!" Harvey's beard, which was now pink and had a body, said with a smile.

Jerry Burnside's eyes rolled to the back of his head for the second time that day as he fell back to the bed unconscious.

I Dream of Jeanie, My Beard Dreams of Cake

"So you really don't know how to bake a cake? What do you do, just go buy them from the bakery?" a high-pitched female voice said.

"No, man. I don't eat cake. I prefer pie, woo ha!" said a voice that belonged to Harvey Grimwold. Did he have some new girlfriend over?

"What? How is that even possible? Everypony, and I mean everypony, eats cake. It's one of the major food groups!" the female voice gasped.

Did she just say pony? Jerry Burnside thought as he began to open his eyes.

"Oh look, he's waking up!" the female said with a fit of giggles.

"Stop wiggling, man. We might need to knock him out again," Harvey said, then noticed Jerry's eyes were open. "Oh, hey man. We were just talking about you."

Jerry's eyes fell upon Pinkie.

"Hi there, I'm Pinkie Pie! Now, if you could please stop passing out, we might just become the best of friends! Wouldn't that just be the greatest?" the beard-thing said to Jerry as it seemed to dance some kind of jig in mid-air.

Jerry suddenly remembered something very important about the series of events that had occurred before he passed out. Something about either being silent about the beard-thing, or dying at the hands of his friend. There was also a Meat Giant involved if he cooperated. His face contorted into a smile, and he extended his hand towards Pinkie.

"It's such an honor to meet you, Pinkie Pie," Jerry said loudly as Pinkie extended a hoof. "My name is Jerry Burnside, and I think we are going to be the best friends ever." His smile seemed far too wide, and sweat dripped off his forehead and ran down the end of his nose. His eyes moved up to meet Harvey's.

Harvey's eyes never blinked.

Jerry swallowed hard. "So, you're a, uh, pony? That's just great. Best thing ever, man. Talking pony beard. Yeah, that has to be about the greatest thing to ever happen." His right eye twitched slightly.

"Isn't it, though? Say, you're a lot nicer than Mr. Meanie Grumpypants here. Why couldn't I have been magically grafted to your face? Then we could party and eat cake all day long!" the beard-thing said while somehow managing to throw confetti into the air. Harvey sneezed.

"Yeah, cake. Definitely cake," Jerry muttered. "So, uh, Harvey. When did your beard turn into a pink pony that parties?"

"This morning. I was about to brush my teeth and I saw it in the mirror," Harvey grumbled.

"Her," Pinkie corrected. "Not it."

"Whatever."

"Uh, so do you have a plan to get rid of it?" Jerry asked.

"Her!" Pinkie growled. She gave him her best frowny face.

"I don't know, man. I haven't thought of anything good," Harvey responded.

"You could always shave me off," the beard-thing sang sweetly.

Jerry let out a loud guffaw. "Pinkie, we're Hell's Angels," he chuckled. "That just isn't gonna happen."

Pinkie let out a long sigh. "This is getting boring! I haven't had sugar or a party in almost an entire day!" She climbed up onto Harvey's face. "I want a cake. No, I need a cake. You will bring me a cake, or else!" Pinkie threatened, glaring up at the biker.

"Harvey, man, if you untie my legs I can go get a cake," Jerry said helpfully.

Harvey eyed a dirty pair of underwear that had been tossed into a corner of the bedroom and thought carefully. He began to stroke his beard.

"Hey, you cut that out right this instant!" Pinkie gasped in outrage.

"Sorry, man," Harvey mumbled idly. He continued to stare at the underwear, lost in thought.

"Harvey?" Jerry asked.

"We'll both go out," Harvey said finally. "We'll get the pony her cake, and we'll go get my Jeanie back."

"Uh, Harvey," Jerry began, "do you really need my help to pick Jeanie up from the garage?"

"No, man. But she's not at the garage, Tony's got her. We're gonna get her back."

"Tony? Tony Loreno?" Jerry asked in astonishment. "How did that bag of scum get his paws on Jeanie?"

Harvey sighed. "Well, it all began when I was at the Barking Spider. Alone," he admitted.

Jerry's eyes grew wide with horror. He listened with keen interest as Harvey told the entire truth of how he had ended up in his current situation.

Tony Loreno continued to thrust his crotch at the custom 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead. He alternated between having his left hand on his lower back and his right hand pumping up and down in the air, and vice-versa. He looked at his fellow Vagos gang members and laughed hysterically.

"I think she likes it, boys. What do you think?" he asked the gathered crowd.

He was answered by a chorus of cheers and laughter. Some of the gathered Vagos clapped or stomped their feet, while others knocked beer cans together in celebration. The party in the warehouse had been going on for hours, and many of the gathered were thoroughly inebriated.

Tony got on his knees and crawled in what he hoped was a good imitation of a cat towards the bike. He took two fingers and gently caressed the underside of the exhaust. Shouts of encouragement rang out from the crowd. He made a show of licking his fingers.

"Meow!" he cried to a renewed outburst of cheers. "Donny has been avenged, boys. We got Harvey Grimwold's little lady and we're going to treat her real nice!" He almost began giggling as he finished the sentence.

Leo Oddum chose that moment to emerge from the crowd, his hands moving to unzip his tight jeans. "I'm gonna piss on her!" he yelled as his three hundred seventy four pound form rushed towards the bike.

Tony jumped to his feet and moved quickly to intercept the drunken giant. He removed a switch-blade from his pocket, flicked the release, and held it up to the soft folds of Leo's many chins. Leo's hands stopped with his fly zipped halfway down.

"You won't touch her," he whispered dangerously. "She is mine to defile, and mine alone. Now turn your enormous ass around before I make it so you pee sitting down."

Leo stood swaying for a moment, trying to process what had just happened.

Tony rolled his eyes. "Ricky, Gabriel. Get him out of here before he wets the floor."

Two men quickly emerged from the crowd, grabbed Leo's beefy arms, and led him towards the bathroom. The others in the room were completely silent.

Tony looked at his mates. "Did I say the party was over yet?" he called out. He placed both hands behind his head and began thrusting his crotch towards the custom 1951 Harley-Davidson Panhead once again. "Yeah, baby! Tell me you like it spicy. Tell me you like the habanero!"

Harvey and Jerry stepped outside of 34 Harding Drive and walked down the porch steps into the warm evening air. Harvey had left his helmet at home and chose instead to wear a bandanna around his face. It helped Pinkie to breath easier, and wasn't as hot as wearing the helmet all the time. They walked silently for some time before Jerry spoke.

"So you like cake, Pinkie? What else do ponies from, uh, Ponyville eat?"

"Shut up, man. You can't talk to her out here!" Harvey whispered harshly.

"Come on, there's nobody out here. I just want to know. She's kind of cute, you know."

Harvey's eyes grew dangerously wide as he grabbed Jerry by his collar. "Don't you ever call my beard cute again. You hear me, brother?"

"No. I mean, yes I hear you. I'm not calling you or your beard cute. No disrespect, man. I'm just calling the pony cute," Jerry stammered.

"The pony is my beard, you idiot!" Harvey snarled.

"Sorry, man," Jerry mumbled.

"Stop bickering like two old mares and let's get moving! There is cake to be had," Pinkie called from under the bandanna.

"Damn it, Pinkie! I told you not to talk, man. What do you think people are going to do if they hear my beard talking?" Harvey asked.

"Well you know, a beard can't talk if its mouth is full of cake. I mean, duh!" Pinkie replied.

"She's got a point there, man," Jerry began.

"Shut up, Jerry," Harvey scolded.

"I like you, Jerry. You know how to treat a pony right," Pinkie remarked.

"Cake and pizza? Yeah I could handle that."

"Shut up, Jerry! You too, Pinkie."

They were coming upon an old woman pushing a walker down the sidewalk. A grocery bag dangled from one hand as she slowly crept towards them. They were about to move around her when she held out a hand to stop them.

"Excuse me, gentlemen. Can you tell me how to get to Stop and Shop from here? I need to get something before they close, but I haven't the slightest idea where to go from here," the elderly woman asked with a smile.

"No. Ouch!" Harvey yelped as his beard tugged sharply. "Uh, it's up the road a bit. Then you turn right and keep going until you see the gas station. Cross the road and head left and it's right there. Can't miss it."

"Oh, thank you. You two nice gentleman have a lovely evening," the lady said warmly and began to shuffle down the street.

"You're welcome!" Pinkie called from beneath the bandanna.

Harvey grabbed Jerry by the collar and quickly jogged up the road, away from the old woman. When they stopped, they turned around and saw the lady staring after them. After a few moments she turned around and slowly shuffled away, shaking her head as she went.

"Sorry!" Pinkie whispered.

Harvey and Jerry looked at one another for a few moments, then continued on towards the bakery. Harvey wondered just how sorry he was going to be for choosing to go outside. He would find out soon enough.

The Bike, The Beard, and the Pizza Guy

The 1979 Chevy Nova pulled into a parking spot outside of the warehouse. Stanley Turner put the car into park and turned off the ignition with a slightly trembling hand. He viewed his reflection in the rear-view mirror and held his own gaze. The mission was about to come to a permanent conclusion. Six months of delivering pizzas at Gongo's would end this night with one final delivery.

He thought back to his manager's reactions as he had attempted to explain three missing pizzas and front fender damage to the company car. He had been rewarded by being given the strangest delivery order yet. Twenty pizzas were to be delivered to an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the city. He had also been told that tonight would be his final night of service for Gongo's Pizza.

Stanley could have refused the delivery. He had been terminated, after all. What else could they do to him? But no, Stanley Turner was a warrior. He always completed the mission, regardless of the dangers. He stepped out of the car and began doing stretches. He may have to run again, after all. Once he had finished, he leaned into the car and grabbed half of the pizzas. He kicked the door shut and slowly made his way towards the warehouse and the end of his career.

Squeals of delight came from beneath Harvey's bandanna as he and Jerry arrived at Cotter's Cakes. Pinkie struggled to contain herself, but she was reaching critical levels of excitement. Her body was shaking, and short bursts of giggles continuously escaped from her mouth. Harvey and Jerry looked at each other with concerned expressions on their faces.

"We can't go in there with her like this, man," Harvey growled. "I'm telling you, I should just knock her out," he whispered.

"I heard that, baldy. Any time you want a piece of the Pie, just come step to this!" Pinkie threatened. "Oops, it's happening again!"

"You can't knock her out, man! It's not her fault that ponies eat cake," Jerry pleaded.

"Ponies do not eat cake!" Harvey yelled, attracting a few stares from passersby. They quickly looked away as his glare turned in their direction.

"This one does, and so do her friends. Come on, man. There has to be a better way," Jerry said quietly.

Harvey's eyes examined a dying roach on the sidewalk. It had flipped onto its back and occasionally twitched a leg or two. A small group of ants had begun to surround the unfortunate insect.

"Harvey?" Jerry asked.

"I have an idea," Harvey said. He fished a fifty dollar bill out of his wallet and handed it to Jerry. "Go get some vodka."

"What? I thought we were getting cake, man. I'm not sure about vodka and cake... "

Harvey stared at his friend until he grew quiet. Jerry nodded quickly and left for a nearby liquor store.

"What's vodka?" Pinkie asked.

Stanley Turner waited patiently outside the warehouse door. He was prepared to run at any given notice, and had already planned out his escape route if it was needed. He could not help but notice the many motorcycles parked outside the warehouse as he had neared the door, and was ready for anything.

A man opened the door wearing only a pair of briefs with the image of a chilli on the groin. Well, he had been prepared for almost anything.

"Pizza's here, boys!" Tony Loreno yelled over his shoulder and began laughing hysterically. He put an arm around Stanley's shoulders and pulled him close to whisper in his ear. "We got Harvey's girl, and she loves the habanero!" he said to the pizza deliveryman and laughed again. Stanley could smell alcohol on the man's breath.

"Um, yeah that's amazing," Stanley stammered. "Here's half of the pizzas. The others are in the car. Where should I set these?"

"In your ass!" Tony screamed with a look of hatred. Stanley squirmed and nearly dropped the pizzas, but Tony leaned close once again and whispered, "That was a joke, brother. How could you expect us to eat pizza that had been treated in such a way? You are crazy, my friend."

Stanley felt himself being drawn inside the warehouse and realized with horror that his chances of escape had disappeared. He was led through a small crowd of bikers dressed in leather adorned with green logos. In the middle of the crowd was a motorcycle that looked vaguely familiar.

"Ricky, Gabriel! Come take these pizzas from our new friend. I want to show him how dirty Jeanie is," Tony ordered. His men rushed forward and took the pizzas, then returned to the crowd to disperse the slices amongst the hungry bikers.

"Uh, wow. Look how dirty Jeanie is. So, uh, there are ten more pizzas in the car. If I could just go and get them... " Stanley said as he tried to squirm loose of Tony's grip.

"The pizza is not important, my good pizza deliveryman. What is important is this," Tony said. He walked to the front of the bike and began thrusting his crotch at it. "Isn't she filthy? She loves this!"

Stanley stared at the scene with a morbid sense of fascination. Are all bikers this crazy? he thought.

"Come over here, pizza boy! You, too can show my boys how nasty Jeanie is!" Tony called out.

"Oh, me? Gee, what an honor," Stanley said and weakly pushed his hips in the bike's direction. "She's so nasty."

Tony laughed hysterically, followed by the other Vagos gang members. He walked over to Stanley and suddenly pulled out a switch-blade and held it to the young man's throat.

"Now go get me my other pizzas before I release my inner furies upon your pathetic manhood," he threatened.

Stanley Turner screamed in terror and fled from the crazy, half-naked gang leader. He pushed past two drunken gang members and ran out of the warehouse at full-speed, leaping into the open driver's side window of the Chevy Nova and landing awkwardly, half-in and half-out of the car. He crawled the rest of the way inside, repositioned himself into the driver's seat, turned the ignition, shifted into drive, and sped out of the parking lot as fast as he could.

Back in the warehouse, an enraged and drunken Tony Loreno pulled on a pair of pants and sat upon Jeanie. He revved the engine. "Nobody cheats the Vagos out of their pizza!" he screamed.

Drunken cheers arose as the other members rushed outside to their rides. Soon, dozens of bikes roared out of the warehouse parking lot. The hunt for Stanley Turner was on.

"Okay, now pour the sugar in. Lots of it," Harvey Grimwold instructed.

He and Jerry were in a dark alley behind Cotter's Cakes. Jerry was busily preparing a drink in a small shot glass, while Pinkie watched from beneath the bandanna. She had been instructed to hide if anyone were to appear at either end of the alley, but they were alone for the time being. Jerry finished pouring the sweet, white crystals into the drink. He held the glass out to Pinkie.

"Okay, here you go. A nice big glass of sweetness," Jerry said with a grin.

Pinkie examined the liquid thoughtfully. "And why am I drinking this?" she asked again.

"It's just to prepare your stomach for the enormous amounts of cake you're about to eat, man. You don't want a belly-ache, do you?" Harvey lied.

"Okay then!" Pinkie grinned. She grabbed the glass and downed it in a single gulp. "Hey, this stuff is good. More please!" she said, holding out the shot glass and wiggling it.

Jerry's jaw went slack. He looked to Harvey, who raised his eyebrows. That much vodka in that small of a body should have knocked her out for sure, Jerry thought.

"Yeah, no problem. Give her some more, Jerry," Harvey ordered.

Shaking his head slowly, Jerry took the shot glass and prepared another drink. Pinkie was humming impatiently as he finally handed the glass back.

"Here's to the best of friends!" she giggled and downed the drink in another gulp. She held out the glass for more.

"Do it, Jerry," Harvey said.

"I don't know, man," Jerry whispered.

"Do it, Jerry!" Pinkie yelled.

Another glass was poured and consumed. Then another.

"Dude, we've just given a fifth of vodka to a little pony. I think we should stop," Jerry pleaded.

"As much as it takes, Jerry!" Harvey growled. "She just has a fast metabolism."

"Yeah, just listen to Harvey," Pinkie said. "In fact, why don't you just hand the bottle over?" She held out her hooves.

"No way!" Jerry shook his head.

"We need her knocked out, man! Hand the bottle over," Harvey shouted.

"Yeah, knock me out Jerry. Send me to the moon!" Pinkie swayed beneath Harvey's chin.

Still shaking his head, Jerry handed the bottle of vodka over to Pinkie. He marvelled at how she could lift it, then gasped as she tilted her head back and consumed the entire bottle within seconds.

"I'm going to Hell for this," Jerry mumbled.

"Ooh yeah!" Pinkie shouted. She then hefted the empty bottle up and swung it full-force into Harvey's chin. The bottle shattered as it connected, and Harvey Grimwold's eyes rolled to the back of his head as he fell unconscious to the ground.

"Holy crap!" Jerry gasped as his eyes bulged at the scene unfolding before him. Pinkie picked up a broken shard of glass in her mouth and began to giggle uncontrollably.

"Pinkie, what are you doing? Don't!" Jerry moved forward, but it was too late.

The pink pony slashed upwards with the glass shard and it found its mark. She gave another giggle and dropped the glass to the ground. She then hopped forward and jumped off of Harvey's chest and onto ground.

"I'm free!" she beamed. She jumped into the air, and with an audible pop, grew in size to be roughly as tall as Jerry's waist. The former beard bounced over to Jerry, gave his hand a nuzzle, then bounced away toward the end of the alley.

"Hey, you can't go! You'll be seen, and I think you might be drunk!" Jerry shouted after Pinkie. Just then, Harvey groaned.

"Ow, my face," he mumbled, reaching up to his chin. He immediately noticed something was missing. "My beard! Where's my beard!" he yelled frantically.

"Harvey, you need to get up. Your beard is drunk and loose in the city!" Jerry said gravely.

"Whooo whooo whooo!" came a voice from the end of the alley. "Time for cake!" The sound of a window breaking soon followed.

Jerry helped Harvey to his feet. They had to get Pinkie before chaos reigned through the night.

Beards Just Want to Have Fun

Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak tightened his fists on the steering wheel in anticipation. Trouble was about, he could smell it. He scanned the road in both directions through dark aviator sunglasses and was disappointed to see that all was well. Somewhere out there in the dark city, the scum of the earth was stirring. They called to him, taunting. Mocking. As if on cue, a voice came over the radio.

"COM to Echo one-two-four."

The officer leaned forward and answered. "Echo one-two-four."

"Echo one-two-four, be advised we have a ten-forty-six on a five-zero-five-alpha. A blue Chevrolet Nova with registration bravo-alpha-uniform-three-three-four westbound on Arcadia past East Chapel Road."

The edges of Officer Kubiak's mouth slowly turned up in a grin. "Ten-four, COM. One-two-four en route."

He set the radio down, cracked his knuckles, and started the engine. He would find this blue Chevy Nova and make the driver rue the day he was born. Nobody drove recklessly on Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak's watch. He flicked on his siren and unknowingly began the second hunt for Stanley Turner that night.

The blue 1979 Chevy Nova took the corner too fast, its tires screeching as it barely avoided spinning out. Stanley Turner glanced into the rear-view mirror and was relieved to find that there were no bikers in sight. He accelerated further just to be safe.

Why does everyone want to kill me? the soon-to-be-former pizza deliveryman thought to himself.

Stanley continued to drive around town, turning off onto random roads in an effort to lose anyone who might happen to still be on his tail. Finally, the deliveryman took a look around at his surroundings and decided he should be safe for now. He slowed down, then pulled to the side of the road and parked in front of a cake shop. Sitting in the driver's seat for a few moments in an attempt to get his heart rate down, he noticed the ten pizzas still sitting in their warming bags. His stomach rumbled.

No, not pizza. Never again, the young man thought.

His eyes wandered to the sign above the shop he was parked in front of. Cotter's Cakes. He opened the car door and stepped outside into the warm night air. Kicking the door shut, Stanley walked up onto the sidewalk and to the front door of the cake shop. He opened it up, causing a small bell above to announce his arrival. He stopped with one foot in the door, the hairs on his neck standing on end.

The entire floor of the shop was covered in bits of cake and frosting. Display racks were overturned, plates and other dishes were shattered, and it looked as if bags of flour had been emptied onto nearly every available surface. Eggs that had been thrown at the ceiling slowly dripped to the floor. To add to the confusion, balloons and confetti could be seen everywhere.

Stanley was preparing to exit when the door to the back of the shop was kicked open by a shotgun-wielding elderly woman wearing a baker's hat. She raised the gun towards the hapless deliveryman.

"You! Did it come this way? Answer me, boy!" the old lady growled.

Stanley Turner fell to his knees with a high-pitched wail of fear and defeat. He tipped backwards onto the floor and curled into a fetal position, covering himself in cake, flour, and frosting in the process. The gun-toting grandma lowered her gun.

"Oh grow some stones, young man. Now tell me, did you see an overgrown pink poodle come this way?" she asked impatiently.

"Pink what? No, I just got here," Stanley said through tears. "Is everyone in this city crazy?"

"Damn, it must have got away!" the old woman said, ignoring his question. She turned to head into the back room. "Get on out of here, there's no cake left to be sold," she grumbled and left.

Lying on the floor of Cotter's Cakes hungry, scared, and covered in a mess of cake and flour from head to toe, Stanley Turner wondered what could possibly go wrong next.

Pinkie Pie merrily bounced out the back window of Cotter's Cakes and into the alley. She began hopping along, humming to herself. Her tummy was finally full, and she was free to go wherever she wanted. A small part of her supposed she should probably try to get back to Ponyville. Her friends would probably be worried about her, and she couldn't remember if she had to help at Sugar Cube Corner tomorrow or not. In fact, a lot of things were hard to remember right now. Her mind was all fuzzy-wuzzy. She stopped hopping for a moment to contemplate her situation.

Ponyville's probably just down the road, but this place is totally new and exciting with all the bright lights and funny signs. It's just like a big party! she thought to herself.

The pink pony suddenly burst into an uncontrollable fit of giggles. A brilliant idea had just formed; She was going to throw the biggest party ever! The mother, the king, the Grand Poobah of all parties. She happily began bouncing down the alley towards the street again. She had supplies to find.

Somewhere in the near distance, a siren could be heard drawing closer.

Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak grinned as he noticed a blue Chevy Nova parked on the side of the road ahead. Was that the scum he was looking for, heading toward the car? The suspect's hair and clothing were covered in some kind of white, powdery substance. Could it be? Had he just found a user? He swung the police car in behind the Nova and jumped out of the car, scowling at the young man in front of him as he moved toward the suspect.

"You! Put your hands on your head, now!" the officer commanded.

Stanley Turner looked up in shock and froze. His eyes were wide and darting all over the place.

Oh yeah, this boy's been using, the officer thought.

Officer Kubiak quickly moved toward Stanley and pulled the young man's arms behind his back. Taking out a pair of handcuffs, he clamped them over the deliveryman's wrists, then slammed him up against the Nova.

"You packing, boy?" Kubiak asked roughly.

"What? No, of course not. Why am I being arrested?" Stanley asked in confusion.

Kubiak ignored him. "Where's the stash? Did you swallow it? Do I need to go full cavity, son?"

"What do you mean stash? Wait, I don't do drugs! What are you talking about?"

"You're so far gone you don't realize you're covered in them," the officer replied. "You make me sick."

"Huh? Oh this. It's flour, sir!"

Officer Kubiak made a show of running a finger over some of the powder covering Stanley and putting it in his mouth.

"You know what this tastes like, boy? The lies of criminal scum!" he answered before the deliveryman could say anything. "You're coming with me to the station for interrogation."

"Interrogation! Are you serious?" Stanley gasped.

Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak began to corral his latest catch towards his police car. The city would have one less dangerous criminal to deal with by the time he got through with the boy.

Harvey Grimwold and Jerry Burnside watched from the entrance to the alley as Officer Kubiak began to pull Stanley towards the patrol car.

"You think that was Pinkie in the cake shop, man?" Jerry asked his friend quietly.

"Yeah man. I'd know the sound of my beard anywhere. We can't get in through the front though, that cop's out there," Harvey replied.

"I guess we'll have to just wait and hope she doesn't cause too much trouble before we can catch up to her," Jerry stated.

"Hey, I think that's my pizza delivery guy," Harvey said, squinting. "Look, he's covered in cake. Maybe he saw my beard!"

"Uh, I don't think she's your beard now, man," Jerry observed.

The look that appeared in Harvey's eyes caused Jerry to drop the issue immediately. He looked down the road and noticed something familiar in the distance.

"Hey... hey man," he said, pointing. "Isn't that Jeanie?"

Tony Loreno did a double-take as he drove past the cake shop. Some dirty cop was trying to arrest his pizza guy before he could exact a horrifyingly painful revenge on the young man. This was something he simply could not allow. He revved Jeanie's engine and did a U-turn, then sped back towards the shop. He had no idea what he was about to get himself into.

The party was about to begin.

Night of the Living Beard

Pinkie Pie continued to bounce happily toward the end of the alley, humming a joyful little tune about chocolate she had learned as a filly. Visions of balloons, confetti, huge banners, cakes, music, games, and more swam through her mind. Oddly, some of the visions were rather blurry, and for some reason they occasionally made no sense at all. Why would she bring a bucket of turnips to a party, anyway? That would just be silly.

Her eyes roamed around the dark alley and spotted a half-empty bottle of Mountain Dew. Grinning from ear to ear, she lowered her shoulders and tensed her hind legs, then pounced upon it. She managed to get the cap off and took a sip. Her eyes lit up as she tilted her head back and chugged the remaining green liquid. Amazing! The creatures that live here must travel to the mountains occasionally and collect dew from the plants, and then put it in bottles like this. She couldn't blame them, because it tasted so sweet and bubbly for some reason.

She looked up and saw two dark, blurry figures hiding at the end of the alley. Out on the street, some kind of swirly, flashing light was spinning around. Had someone started the party without her? That simply would not do. She quickly bounced down the alley.

"Oh hi, Jerry. Hi, Harvey. Let's get this party going!" she giggled as she hopped over their heads and onto the sidewalk beyond. "Wheeeeee!"

Harvey Grimwold and Jerry Burnside looked at each other.

"Hey, man. Wasn't that your beard?" Jerry asked.

The two stood in unison and rushed out of the alley in pursuit of the drunken pony.

Tony Loreno pulled Jeanie up beside the blue Chevy Nova parked on the side of the street. He swung a leg over the bike and dismounted, moving with purpose (and a slight stagger) towards Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak.

"Hey... hey you... you pig!" Tony shouted as the officer was preparing to push Stanley Turner into the back of his police car. "You scum-sucking, trash-licking, dirt-snorting, faceless, toothless, assless son of a whore-house's toilet!"

Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak turned ever-so-slowly toward the drunken biker that was fast approaching.

"You get your bacon-grease paws away from that clown-humping dog of a fool! He is mine to violate, and mine alone!" Tony continued, pulling his switch-blade from his pants and swinging it recklessly. "Your eyes can not handle the glory of Tony Loreno's bulging... "

"Defense has been established!" Officer Kubiak interrupted the biker and unclipped his night stick. Beneath his dark aviator glasses, the officer's eyes were wide with delight. He would remove two highly dangerous pieces of criminal scum from the streets in one night. His muscles clenched as he prepared to end his drunken opponent's reign of terror with his swift and terrible arm of justice.

Tony lifted his knife and was preparing to either charge or collapse, he wasn't quite sure yet, when he saw an overgrown, fluffy pink chihuahua jump out of the alley and begin bouncing toward him with a look of malice. Or perhaps it was a look of joy. He pondered this as he watched Harvey Grimwold and Jerry Burnside emerge from the alley in pursuit of the chihuahua. His mind clicked suddenly. He was pretty certain Harvey would be very angry at him for some reason. Well, other than the fact that he was a leader of the Vagos.

"Hey everyone, did the party start without me? Let's get this thing kicking!" the strange pink creature shouted as it leapt onto Officer Kubiak's head.

"Assaulting an officer of the law!" Kubiak screamed as he swung his night stick at his unknown assailant. Pinkie happily back-flipped off of his head, causing the night stick to connect with his skull. "Officer down!" he cried as he slumped to the ground.

Tony Loreno's eyes darted between Harvey, Stanley, and Officer Kubiak. He quickly bent down and began to search for something.

"Where is this knuckle-dragging swine's gun?" he asked to nobody in particular.

"You mean this thing?" the pink chihuahua asked. The gun was in its mouth, and was currently pointed at his groin.

Harvey and Jerry both skidded to a halt as they noticed Pinkie swinging the gun around in her mouth.

"Your beard's packing, man!" Jerry observed as they tried to duck behind the police car. "Take it easy Pinkie, that thing's dangerous!"

"Why'd you do it, Pinkie? Why'd you cut yourself off?" Harvey called from behind the car.

"Because it got boring, I mean duh! Gee you can be clueless sometimes!" Pinkie mouthed around the gun.

"That was... I mean you were my beard, man! I've had it... you, for years!" he called.

"Don't worry, Twilight can grow you a new one. Now let's get the party started, already!" she screamed.

"Twilight? Who's Twilight?" Harvey asked.

Twilight Sparkle was rubbing her purple flank with a hoof. Did Trixie really have to buck her there? She wouldn't be able to sit for a week. She looked around Ponyville. It seemed all of the houses and buildings had been restored to their original form. She was surprised Pinkie Pie hadn't eaten all of them when they had been transformed into candy.

She blinked, and a sudden thought came to mind. Rushing as quickly as she could, Twilight galloped over to where her friends had gathered. Fluttershy, Rarity, Rainbow Dash, and Applejack all turned to congratulate her.

"Hey, you were awesome, Twilight!" began Rainbow Dash, her cyan pegasus friend. "You should have seen the look on Trixie's face when you summoned the Furies, I mean how did you even... "

"Girls!" Twilight interrupted impatiently.

"What's wrong, sugar plum?" the orange pony named Applejack asked, her brow furrowed with concern.

"Have any of you seen Pinkie?"

Harvey, Jerry, Stanley, and Tony could not believe their eyes. Within the span of a few minutes, Pinkie had managed to decorate the entire area in balloons, banners, and confetti using what she called a party cannon. Where the cannon had come from, and how it could contain the number of decorations and party supplies that it did, were questions that were simply best left unanswered.

Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak, however, did not notice what was going on. He had crawled halfway into his patrol car and was on the radio, speaking quietly.

"Attention COM, this is Echo one-two-four. We have shots fired, possibly by a cannon, and an officer down on that five-zero-five-alpha. Multiple armed suspects, requesting every available unit as backup."

"Ten-four, Echo one-two-four. We'll send in the big guns. What's your status?"

"Physically fine, but I think I've been drugged. I'm experiencing a long-term realistic hallucination of a talking pink pony that seems intoxicated and capable of ignoring physics. The pony is armed with a cannon and seems to have stolen my gun," Kubiak reported.

The radio was silent for some time. Then, "Did you say one of the suspects was a talking pony and that it has your gun?"

"It's the narcotics!" the officer growled. "One of the suspects is completely coated in them, and he forced me to take some. Just get me some backup!"

Silence again. Then, "Ten-four, Echo one-two-four. Units are on their way."

Officer Kubiak grinned, then began to plan a course of action. He would retrieve his gun and arrest everyone in sight. This entire neighborhood was full of the worst criminals imaginable. Reaching towards the steering wheel, he honked the horn.

Stanley Turner stood up in fright and turned just in time to see the swift and terrible fist of justice that belonged to Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak before it connected with his jaw. Stanley, who was already handcuffed, fell to the ground dazed. Kubiak grinned victoriously.

At the sound of the horn, Pinkie jumped up excitedly and turned around. She was immediately tackled to the ground by Tony Loreno, who yanked the gun out of her mouth and stood up victoriously.

Harvey Grimwold took that moment to make a dash for Jeanie. He jumped onto his beloved bike, laughing to himself as he found the key still in the ignition. He pumped a fist victoriously.

Jerry Burnside watched as Tony turned around and set his sights on Harvey. Tony began to raise the gun, but was knocked to the ground by Jerry's double-fisted bash to the back of his head. Jerry was just preparing to nod his head victoriously when a night stick to the back of his knee sent him crashing to the ground in pain. Officer Kubiak cuffed Jerry's hands behind his back with a spare set of handcuffs and stood over his catch victoriously.

The officer was just beginning to think that he would be able to arrest everyone himself when he heard the sudden revving of a motorcycle. It took off down the road a bit, then pulled a U-turn and drove straight for him. Kubiak ran to the middle of the street, but Harvey tracked him down and delivered a drive-by clothesline that caused the officer to flip backwards and land with a thump.

"Officer down!" Harvey yelled victoriously.

He spun Jeanie back around and drove back to Jerry, who was holding his leg in pain.

"You alright, man?" Harvey asked.

"No, man. I can't walk," Jerry said with a grimace.

"Okay, hold on," Harvey said.

He jumped off his bike and ran over to the stunned police officer. He found a keyring and ran back to take the cuffs off of Jerry. After a moment's hesitation, he bent down and took the cuffs off of Stanley as well. A few minutes later, Tony Loreno and Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak were handcuffed together, back to back.

Harvey then walked over to where Pinkie was sitting. Her head was down and she was sobbing.

"Hey, man. Did you get hurt?" Harvey asked in an uncharacteristically quiet tone. Somewhere in the distance, sirens could be heard.

"No," Pinkie sniffed. "My party was a failure! I've never, ever, ever failed to throw a successful party." She looked up at Harvey with wide, glistening eyes.

"Hey, no need to cry. Listen, we can have a big party at my place. We'll get pizza with banana peppers on it. How does that sound?"

The sirens were getting closer now and would arrive at any moment. Stanley walked over and helped Jerry to his feet, then assisted him into the blue Chevy Nova so that he could be comfortable. The pizza deliveryman watched the sad scene unfolding before him with wonder. The little pink pony was kind of cute. He just wanted to hug it. He could really use a hug right now.

Pinkie's answer was cut off by the sound of many engines. Everyone turned and witnessed a sea of motorcycles, leather, and green begin to pour around the corner and head towards the cake shop.

The three hundred seventy four pound form of Leo Oddum could be heard shouting over the noise, "There they are, they got the boss!"

Stanley Turner screamed and jumped into the blue Chevy Nova. His hands moved like lightning as he turned the ignition, shifted into drive, and sped away with Jerry Burnside in the passenger seat all in one swift motion.

The sirens were almost upon them now. Seconds later, Harvey had picked up Pinkie and set her in front of him on Jeanie. He quickly revved the engine and took off.

"Looks like you might get your party yet, Pinkie," Harvey said grimly.

"Wheeeeeeeeee!" Pinkie yelled, her eyes wide as her pink curls blew behind her in the wind.

The Vagos gang followed in hot pursuit, with Ricky and Gabriel staying behind to free their boss, Tony. A minute later, Tony was free, and Officer Kubiak was handcuffed to a utility pole. He kicked the officer in frustration and promptly proceeded to steal his police car.

Officer Kubiak watched helplessly as his suspects and his car all disappeared down the road. He saw his gun had been left behind. At least that was something. A few moments later, his backup finally arrived. He grinned as he saw the number of vehicles that showed up. COM had come through for him in a major way.

Within a minute, he was freed and was in the passenger seat of a S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck. The small fleet of law enforcement vehicles was soon in pursuit of the thirty or so hardened criminal scum bags who were begging for punishment. Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak never let his man get away, and he would not rest until the entire lot of them were behind bars.

"Are you sure this is gonna work, Twilight?" Applejack asked the purple unicorn.

"I have no idea. I think I can do it. Based on my calculations on how Trixie's spell might affect flesh as opposed to an inanimate object, it's my theory that Pinkie would have been transported between dimensions and should have ended up on some place called Earth," Twilight said with a grin. "According to this book, there's a spell that should be able to get me there and back if I concentrate hard enough on her."

"But, but you don't even know if she was hit with the spell! She coulda gone anywhere!" the orange mare said, exasperated.

"There's only one way to find out. Stand back, girls!" the unicorn warned. Her horn began to glow and pulse with power. The light given off by her horn intensified until it was nearly blinding and, after a few agonizingly bright seconds, the glow disappeared.

Twilight Sparkle blinked her eyes and looked around. She seemed to be in a chariot of some kind. A loud, wailing noise similar to the siren alarm back in Ponyville was being emitted by something outside and behind her. In front of her, she could see two creatures looking out a window. One of them seemed to be driving the chariot.

She reached a hoof up and tapped the creature on her right's shoulder. "Excuse me, can you tell me if I'm on Earth, please?" she said with a wide grin.

Jerry Burnside and Stanley Turner both screamed in terror as Stanley lost control of the vehicle and nearly crashed into a ditch.

A Close Shave

"Oh God, not another one!" Stanley Turner screamed as he fought to regain control of the blue Chevy Nova he was driving. His passenger, Jerry Burnside, groaned in pain as the sudden movement of the car jolted his injured leg. Sitting in the back seat behind these men was a small, purple unicorn named Twilight Sparkle. She was currently examining her surroundings with curiosity.

"Another one? Wait, does that mean you've seen another pony like me? Well, not exactly like me. I'm a unicorn, and she's an earth pony. Anyway, her name is Pinkie Pie and she seems to have been transported to Earth, if my calculations are correct. They always are, you know. I guess I don't really know what Earth looks like though. Is this really Earth?" Twilight began asking questions in rapid-fire succession. "This is so amazing. So what are you, anyway? I guess it would be rude to call you 'creatures'. Wait, you don't eat ponies, do you?"

Finally, someone who likes to talk as much as I do, Jerry thought to himself. "Uh, hey Miss Purple Unicorn, did you say you were looking for Pinkie Pie?" he asked.

"Oh, excuse my rambling," the unicorn said, blushing. "I'm Twilight Sparkle. Yes, I'm looking for Pinkie Pie. She's one of my best friends, and I'm almost 100% certain that she was transported to a place called Earth. I've come from Ponyville to help take her back home."

"Well Twilight," Jerry began, "you were right about this being Earth, man. Let's see. Uh, we're humans, but you can call me Jerry. Your friend Pinkie looks like she's with Harvey. They're right behind us. Oh, and we don't eat ponies, man."

Twilight sighed with relief. "Well, I must say it would have been rather awkward if I'd teleported into a carriage full of pony-eaters. Wait, did you say Pinkie's right behind us?" she gasped and turned around to look out the back window. Not far behind the Nova was another human riding on some kind of small, fast transportation device. Sitting in front of the human with her pink curls blowing behind her, and with a huge smile on her face, was Pinkie Pie. The pink pony waved at Twilight. "That's her! She's right behind us. Wow, I must have really nailed that teleportation spell," Twilight said with pride.

"Hey, look!" Pinkie shouted above the roar of the motorcycle. "That's my friend Twilight Sparkle. She's probably here to take me back to Ponyville!"

Harvey looked at the back window of the Nova. Sure enough, a grinning purple unicorn was there. She was waving a hoof at them excitedly. "How the hell did she get in there?" he mused.

"Probably just a plot convenience!" Pinkie grinned.

"What?" Harvey asked.

"Nothing! She's really good with magic. That explains everything, right?"

Harvey shook his head. "Whatever you say, man. What should we do?"

Pinkie thought for a moment. "We need to get the pizza guy to pull over so I can meet up with Twilight, and then she can send us home," she said. "Those meanies behind us are too close though. Twilight will need some time to power up her teleportation spell."

"Right, so what do we do?" Harvey repeated.

Pinkie's eyes narrowed. "We attack them head-on!"

"Hey!" Twilight shouted, alarmed.

"What is it?" Jerry asked.

Twilight was looking out the back window with concern. She turned back to Jerry. "That 'motorcycle' thing, as you call it, just turned around. It's taking Pinkie back the other way!"

"What? Hey, pizza guy! Turn us around, man!" Jerry demanded.

Stanley winced. The last thing he wanted was to head back towards those horrible bikers. Or that insane cop, for that matter.

"Hurry, please!" Twilight pleaded. Her eyes grew larger as she begged.

Stanley saw the look on Twilight's face through the rear-view mirror. He sighed, calmly counted backwards from ten, closed his eyes, and then hit the brakes. The mission wasn't over just yet.

Bad boys, bad boys, what'cha gonna do? What'cha gonna do when they come for you? Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak thought to himself as the S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck he was riding in sped down the highway. He was in pursuit of the worst possible filth that society could squeeze out of it's disgusting posterior. The officer adjusted his dark aviator glasses with a grin. A roadblock would be getting set up at that very moment, trapping his prey. There would be no escape this time.

Leo Oddum was feeling good. The three hundred seventy four pound member of the Vagos had been the one to find the boss. He was also currently leading in the hunt for the pizza guy and the boss's favorite bike, Jeanie. He was also rather tipsy. Or perhaps mind-numbingly drunk was closer to the truth. As a happy drunk, his first reaction upon seeing Jeanie turn around and head straight for him was to grin stupidly.

Hehe, what's this? What's this silly guy doing? Harvey's so silly, his simple mind managed to put together.

Leo's small, pig-like eyes squinted as Harvey's bike drew nearer. He was certain that he could see a pink pony, her hooves draped over the handlebars, sitting in front of the Hell's Angel. He thought the pony waved at him just moments before it leapt from Jeanie straight onto his face.

"Avenge me!" Leo cried as he lost control of his bike. Pinkie deftly hopped off of the large man's face and onto the highway moments before his motorcycle ran off the road and into a river. Luckily for Leo, his enormous frame protected him from injury.

Pinkie looked over to where Leo had crashed and smiled. "One down, a whole bunch more to go!" she giggled.

The blue Chevy Nova caught up to where she was just then, and parked on the side of the highway. Stanley Turner jumped out of the car and opened up the back door. A familiar purple unicorn jumped down from the back seat and onto the highway.

"Twilight!" Pinkie bounced over to her friend and scooped her up in a big hug. "I missed you so much!"

Stanley watched the two ponies with envy. He thought about how he could really, really use a hug right about now. The ponies are the only sane ones, he thought.

Jerry Burnside stuck his head out the passenger side window. "Pinkie! Where's Harvey?"

Harvey glanced in his side-mirror with some concern, but was relieved to see his former beard escape the crash unharmed. He sighed as he resigned himself to his fate. He would run as many Vagos off the road as possible in an effort to give Pinkie's friend time to cast some sort of teleportation spell so they could return home together. He wouldn't be there to see it, as he was likely going to be arrested in a few minutes. Oh well, he could always grow his beard back while in jail. Hell, he wouldn't have to worry about what to do about breakfast tomorrow, either.

Harvey Grimwold's face broke into a terrible grin as he topped a small hill and saw the headlights of the remaining Vagos bearing down on him.

Sorry Pinkie. It looks like we're gonna have to delay that party, he thought as he accelerated.

Harvey's deadly game of chicken began as Vagos members began to brake wildly and over-steer to evade Jeanie. Most of them simply pulled off to the side of the road to avoid him. A few lost control of their bikes and ended up in the river with Leo Oddum.

Harvey looked over his shoulder as he passed the last bike, and admired the devastation behind him. He began to think that he might somehow escape after all, and was just beginning to turn back to face the road when Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak's patrol car bore down on him with Tony Loreno behind the wheel. Jeanie met the police car head-on with a sickening crunch, and the last thought that went through Harvey's mind as he flew over 100 feet through the air towards the grass at the edge of the highway wasn't about losing either his life or Jeanie. It was a hope that he had held them all off long enough for Pinkie to escape.

Bad boys, bad boys, Officer Kubiak was singing in his mind when he noticed his wrecked patrol car just ahead. "Stop!" he yelled.

The S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck skidded to a halt, along with the rest of the small fleet of police vehicles. All headlights pointed towards the wrecked remains of Kubiak's police car, and the barely-recognizable remains of Jeanie. Kubiak and his driver exited their vehicle with guns drawn, and were soon joined by the other officers on the scene.

Slowly, the driver's side door of the patrol car opened up. Tony Loreno stumbled from the driver's seat and began to crawl towards the motionless body of Harvey Grimwold.

"Freeze!" shouted several of the assembled officers in unison.

Just then, a large number of Vagos arrived on the scene. Most of them were armed with some kind of firearm, a few of which were semi-automatic. The beginnings of a shoot-out appeared imminent as people on both sides of the stand-off looked nervously around. The police were better armed and protected, but this many armed suspects would likely result in police casualties. Everyone froze, waiting for someone else to make the first move.

"And just why are we heading back there?" Twilight asked, exasperated. She was once again in the back seat of the blue Chevy Nova, this time alongside Pinkie. Stanley Turner was at the wheel again. Jerry was still in the passenger seat.

"Harvey Grimwold is a big, bald, meanie who yells a lot, acts rude, and smells really bad. But don't you see, Twilight? The fact that he was willing to sacrifice himself goes to show that there's something good about him. He was more than just a temporary face to hang from," Pinkie said sadly. "He was a friend. I can't leave him to be taken off to jail or be beaten up by those other meanies back there!"

"Don't worry, Pinkie. Harvey's a tough guy," Jerry assured her. "He can take anything they dish out, and give it back two-fold!"

"Uh, guys? What do we do now?" Stanley said, pointing ahead at the mass of police and Vagos.

"Hit the breaks, man!" Jerry yelled.

"No, wait. I've got this!" Twilight said as her horn began to glow red.

"What?" Stanley said, hitting the breaks.

In a flash of red light, the blue Chevy Nova and all of its occupants disappeared. It then immediately reappeared right next to the wreckage of Jeanie and Officer Kubiak's patrol car.

"What the hell was that?" Stanley shrieked in terror.

"Oh, it was just a teleport spell, silly!" Pinkie giggled. "I don't think we ended up quite where you wanted us to be, huh Twilight?"

Twilight's eyelids lowered. "No, Pinkie. We are not where I wanted to take us."

"Hey... hey, man? I think we're surrounded," Jerry said, pointing out the window.

All around them, policemen and gang members had their guns trained directly on the Nova that had mysteriously appeared in the middle of the stand-off. Stanley began to shake and slid down in his seat, hugging himself tightly.

"So, what now?" Jerry asked.

"It's simple," Twilight Sparkle said. "We can solve this problem using the magic of friendship!"

"Or, you know, you could always use that amazing horn of yours to disarm all those meanies outside!" Pinkie chipped in helpfully.

Twilight frowned. "Fine!"

Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak had just about had enough of this nonsense. That filthy user of a pizza boy had warped his mind with those foul narcotics, and now he was seeing teleporting vehicles. Well, this was going to end right here and right now! He had just begun to advance upon the vehicle when an enormous red, flashing light appeared from within. Suddenly, every weapon in the area simply disappeared, including Officer Kubiak's gun for the second time that night.

Criminal scum! he thought furiously. Armed or not, I will arrest them all!

As the other officers and gang members all looked at one another in confusion, Officer Kubiak continued to advance upon the Chevy Nova. He had nearly arrived when the back door opened and two little ponies jumped down to the road.

The officer's eye twitched as he barked, "You little ponies, stop in the name of the law!"

Pinkie tried to talk to him. "Hey there, I'm Pinkie Pie. We're just here to get my friend Harvey, and then we can be out of your hair," she giggled. "Actually, I just got out of Harvey's hair not too long ago. Or his beard, anyway!"

Kubiak ignored her and raised his swift and terrible fist of justice. The sound of a door opening could be heard as Kubiak yelled, "Prepare to be introduced to an all new realm of pain!"

The officer had just been prepared to punch Pinkie Pie in the face when his jaw was rocked by a solid blow. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he fell unconscious to the road.

"You... you stay the hell away from them!" Stanley Turner screamed. Suddenly all eyes turned to the hapless pizza boy. "I... I'm sick of your shit! All of you are crazy! Why is everyone trying to kill each other? Answer me!"

Confused looks appeared amongst the crowd of officers and gang members. Who was this kid? Even Twilight and Pinkie exchanged concerned looks.

"Well? None of you can answer me, can you? Can you? Do even know why we're out here, huh? It's because of this asshole!" Stanley said, pointing an accusing finger at Tony Loreno, who shrunk under the sudden attention. "That's right. While this lunatic was trying to hump a motorcycle, I was trying to deliver his pizzas! Do you know where he told me to put them? In my ass! My ass, people. How is that even possible? Answer me!"

"Uh, hey, man. You okay?" Jerry called from within the Nova.

"No! I am not okay. I have had more guns pointed at me tonight than should even exist in one place! Over what?" Stanley fumed as he reached into his car and withdrew ten pizzas, still in their warming bag. "This! Pizza!" He stalked over to the Vagos, causing a few to take a step back. "You want your pizzas? Next time don't pull a freaking knife on the pizza guy!" The angry pizza boy began to swing the bag around, gaining velocity. "Here, have them!" he screamed and released the bag, causing it to sail into the crowd of Vagos.

Ricky and Gabriel, who had somehow managed to avoid ending up in the river, looked at each other nervously. They then bent down and removed a pizza from the warming bag. They opened the box and took a slice each.

"Hey, it's still kind of hot!" Ricky cried.

A few nervous cheers arose from the gang members as a few more decided to grab some pizza. The others couldn't take their eyes off of the pizza guy.

Stanley stormed over to the assembled police officers. "And you! All of you were brought here by who? This idiot right here!" he yelled, pointing to Officer Kubiak's unconscious form lying in the road. "How can you even allow such a moron to represent you on the police force? Do you see what I'm covered in? Do you see this? It's cake and flour. Flour, you idiot!" he said in Kubiak's general direction. Several of the officers shifted nervously. "This man nearly broke my jaw, and I didn't even try to resist arrest! If anyone needs to be arrested, it's him! Now, you can go ahead and arrest me for verbally assaulting a group of officers, or whatever you want to charge me with. You can arrest this jerk for pulling a knife on a pizza guy," Stanley indicated Tony, who shrunk back once more. "But these ponies here, they're the only ones here who have acted with a shred of decency! They're the only normal ones here, and I'm not even sure if they're real or not. I do know one thing. Arrest me, arrest the gang members, whatever. But if any of you lays a single finger on either of these ponies, I will end you!"

Stanley's heated gaze swept the entire assembled crowd. Every set of eyes he looked into quickly found something else to look at. Nervous feet shuffled now and then. Twilight's and Pinkie's faces were both red with embarrassment.

"So what, I'm not getting shot, arrested, or beat up now? If that's the case, then tell us where Mr. Grimwold is, and then please get out of our way. We're going home!" Stanley demanded.

A soft chuckle rose from Tony Loreno. "Hey pizza boy, your friend's over there," he pointed to where Harvey lay. "You guys might be going home, but I think Harvey might be destined for a casket."

"What?" Jerry yelled from inside the Nova.

Stanley, Pinkie, and Twilight all ran over to where Harvey had landed. Nobody else moved for fear of bringing on the wrath of the pizza guy, or perhaps charges of false arrest in the case of the gathered officers. Harvey lay unmoving on the grass.

"Oh my gosh," Pinkie gasped.

Stanley pressed his ear to Harvey's chest. After several moments, he pulled away and sadly shook his head.

"No!" Pinkie cried in despair. "You can't be dead, Harvey! You were too big and mean and tough!" She hung her head as tears rolled down her snout to the ground below.

"Ha! I got him, huh? Good riddance!" Tony called from where he lay. "He made me destroy my precious Jeanie, and... hey! Hey, let go of me!"

"You're under arrest for vehicular homicide," Officer Brooklyn T. Kubiak said, clasping handcuffs on Tony's wrists. "I think we all just heard a confession, right boys?"

The assembled officers nodded. The driver of the S.W.A.T. GURKHA MAPV Police Truck came forward from the crowd and headed towards Tony and Kubiak.

"Looks like we did manage to get a piece of criminal scum off the streets," Kubiak said. "Hey, what are you doing?"

The other officer pushed Kubiak up against the wrecked patrol car. "Officer Kubiak, I'm taking you in for questioning regarding the circumstances that led to this homicide. Please don't resist."

"What? You can't arrest me. I represent the law. I am the law!" Kubiak screamed as he and Tony were dragged towards one of the police vans.

Stanley ignored the outbursts. He was busy watching the ponies hug each other for comfort. They had been that way ever since he gave them the news about Mr. Grimwold.

Pinkie's eyes suddenly grew wide. "Twilight, I have an idea," she said in a serious tone.

Twilight let go of her friend. "What do you have in mind, Pinkie?"

"Do you think you can copy Trixie's spell exactly?"

"I'm not sure. I could try, but why?" Twilight asked.

Pinkie stood up, a look of fierce determination on her face. "When I was attached to Harvey's face, it was as if we both shared the same personality sometimes. I found myself saying and doing the meanest things!"

"You were attached to his face? Wait, is that what you meant when you said..." Twilight began.

Pinkie interrupted her. "This is serious Twilight! I think if you can cast Trixie's spell exactly the way she did, you can get me back onto Harvey's face. Since we'll share one body technically, I think my own life force can help boost his back into working!"

"Wait, Pinkie. If what you say is true, then his lack of a life force might end up killing you, too!" Twilight said, worried.

"He sacrificed himself to help a friend. I'm not afraid to do the same. Besides, there's only one way to find out what will happen!" Pinkie stated.

Twilight had been about to try to talk her out of it, but stopped and nodded her head gently. She looked at Pinkie. "Are you ready?"

"As I'll ever be," Pinkie replied.

Twilight closed her eyes as her horn began to glow red once more. The red glow lit up the night sky around the gathered crowd of onlookers. A moment later, a thin, red beam shot from the purple unicorn's horn and struck Pinkie.

"She's here!" Stanley called from beside Harvey. Twilight trotted over and was amazed to find a long, pink beard growing from Harvey's face. Nestled within the hairs was a miniaturized Pinkie.

"By Celestia, is this what happened to you when you first arrived here?" Twilight asked.

Pinkie the Beard nodded weakly. She looked tired, and worn out. She hoped her life force was enough to support them both. "How's it looking?" she whispered.

Stanley put his ear back to Harvey's chest. A small crowd of officers and Vagos had gathered closer to see what was happening, and an officer had helped Jerry out of the Nova finally.

"How is he, man? Oh tell me he's gonna be all okay!" Jerry called out.

"Oh, please hurry," Twilight said nervously. "Pinkie can't last much longer like this."

"Hey, I think I heard a heartbeat!" Stanley said. "Quiet now, just give me a moment... yes! There's another one. It's weak, but it's there!"

Shocked gasps arose from ponies, friends, policemen, and gang members alike. Even Tony Loreno had been secretly hoping for Harvey to live from his seat inside the police van, though for entirely different reasons than most of those gathered.

Slowly, Harvey Grimwold opened his eyes. The first thing he saw was his beard that had crawled onto his face and was looking at him with glistening eyes and a wide smile.

"Oh Harvey!" Pinkie said happily and hugged his nose. "I'm so glad it worked!"

"Harvey, man! Welcome back. Wait, you're not like one of them there zombies now, are you?" Jerry asked nervously.

"Pinkie, you came back for me. You're my beard again, too! What happened?" Harvey asked groggily.

"Oh Harvey, when you were ready to sacrifice yourself for me, I knew there was more to you than you let on. You were, are, my friend. I couldn't let anything bad happen to you! I had Twilight here reattach me to your face so that we could share my life force and you'd come back. It worked, isn't that the greatest thing ever?" Pinkie said excitedly.

"Pinkie, I think you're the greatest thing ever." Harvey grinned at her.

"So what happens now, man?" Jerry asked. "Are you going to be Harvey's beard forever?"

Twilight Sparkle had an answer ready. "Well, judging by how quickly these two are recovering, I would say that Harvey's own life force has started back up now. He no longer needs Pinkie to remain attached now. If he wants another beard, I can always grow a new one for him," she beamed.

Stanley Turner sat down and watched the friends as they removed Pinkie from Harvey's face, and grew a new beard that was identical to the original beard Harvey had. The assembled police officers and gang members were starting to disperse. An officer explained that Tony Loreno and Officer Kubiak were in custody, and would be the only arrests made that night. Nobody wanted to try to explain to the chief how two talking ponies had appeared from a teleporting car. Stanley hugged his knees and thought about all that had happened tonight. He still had to return the Nova to Gongo's Pizza. Unnoticed by everyone else, Stanley Turner began to cry.

"Well, I think that wraps everything up," Twilight Sparkle said. "So are you going to take Jerry to the hospital?" she asked Harvey.

"No, man. He can just crash at my place for a while. I think we all just want to go home right now, it's been a rough night." Harvey said. He looked over at Pinkie. "Pinkie, you really have been a good friend. I think I learned something about friendship, too. I'm not quite sure what it was, but I do know that you're pretty cool. I hope you get to have that party you wanted when you get back to Ponyville," he said.

Pinkie bounced over to Harvey and gave him a big hug. "I learned something too! Even the biggest meanies can become your friends if you try hard enough!" She bounced over to Jerry and hugged him as well. "You were nice anyway, Jerry. But you're also very loyal. You stick with Harvey and keep him out of trouble for me, okay?"

Jerry nodded. He looked over to Harvey. "It really sucks about Jeanie, man. I guess you can claim it on insurance, but she's pretty much irreplaceable."

Harvey shook his head. "No man, she can't be replaced. I wouldn't feel right riding anything else. I just might give up riding for a while."

"Hey, whatever you want to do, I'll support you, man," Jerry said.

The two bikers make their final farewells, then Harvey helped Jerry over to one of the patrol cars where an officer would give them a ride back to Harvey's place.

"Well they certainly seemed, interesting," Twilight said to Pinkie.

"Oh they were! This place has so many wonderful things you need to try, like vodka!" Pinkie grinned.

"Do I even want to know?" Twilight sighed. "Anyway, let's get back home. The girls were worried about you."

Pinkie nodded and watched as Twilight began to concentrate. Her horn began to glow a faint red that slowly grew in brilliance.

"Oh wait!" Pinkie gasped. She hopped over to Stanley and gave the poor, tortured pizza boy a well-deserved hug.

"Pinkie, I can't wait!" Twilight said as her horn flashed one final bright pulse of red. A moment later, Twilight, Pinkie, and Stanley had disappeared.

The End

Epilogue: The Day Isn't Quite Over Yet

Epilogue
The Day Isn't Quite Over Yet

"Thanks, man," Jerry Burnside said in appreciation as he was helped up the front porch steps to the house at 34 Harding Drive. He was being supported by his fellow Hell's Angel Harvey Grimwold, and together the two had just experienced the most interesting day of their lives. Between Harvey's beard turning into a pony, being clubbed in the knee by a psychotic cop, and Harvey's death and subsequent resurrection by his beard and a purple talking unicorn, it had been decided that it was time for a well-deserved rest.

"All good, man," Harvey Grimwold responded with a grunt. He was still rather sore from his recent introduction to the ground after a one hundred foot flight from his former motorcycle, Jeanie. His old beard may have saved his life, but whatever she had done had only been able to dull the pain. Not that he could complain.

The two friends made their way into the house. Harvey kicked a few stray beer cans and some of the splintered wood from the coffee table out of his way, then helped Jerry take a seat on the couch and sat with him. He stared at the remains of the table and a box of what was once a banana pepper and cheese pizza that had been squashed under Jerry Burnside's rear end only hours earlier. Several roaches were on the pizza and were helpfully cleaning up the smelly mess one tiny nibble at a time. He ignored them and looked at Jerry.

"So," Harvey began. "Ponies, man."

"Yeah," Jerry responded. "Ponies."

The room was silent for several minutes as the bikers looked around the room and tapped their feet on the floor. Harvey leaned forward and picked up one of the table legs, examined it carefully for a few moments, then tossed it back onto the floor.

"It's pretty quiet without my beard," he said solemnly. He turned to look at Jerry. "The pink one, I mean."

"Yeah man," Jerry said. "I wonder what Pinkie is up to now, in that there Ponyland she lives in?" he mused.

"You think maybe she's partying right now?" Harvey asked.

"Whatever she's doing, it's probably a lot of fun," Jerry responded. "She was a fun-loving beard."

Harvey nodded.

"Huh, that's weird," Jerry said, moving to get a closer look at Harvey. "You still have a pink hair in your beard."

Harvey raised his eyebrows. "I guess I'll cut it off later."

He thought about Pinkie and their short time together. It seemed to him like they had been together a lot longer, but it also didn't seem like it had been enough time. Well, that purple unicorn had come and taken her back home. She was probably back with her friends where she belonged, maybe having that party she had wanted. It was better that way. Nothing could possibly go wrong in Ponyland, right?

"Where the hell are we!" Stanley Turner yelled hysterically. He stood up and brushed dirt from his clothes, or at least he thought it was supposed to be dirt. It all seemed rather unreal to him, as if he were in a dream. But dreams weren't supposed to hurt this much when you fell to the ground in them. He looked upwards towards the sky frantically.

Pinkie, the only one who seemed unworried about their current situation, turned her head sideways for a moment as she studied their surroundings. She then turned to Twilight Sparkle. "Hey, I don't think we're where you wanted us to be. Again!" she chuckled. "Oh well, let's go explore some more!"

Twilight stood up and began to magically remove the dust and twigs from her mane. She lowered her eyelids in annoyance. "No, Pinkie. We're not where I wanted us to be, because somepony decided to yell 'Oh, wait!' in the middle of a highly complicated and dangerous spell! And we're not going to go randomly exploring! We need to figure out where we are so we can get home!" She stamped a hoof on the ground for emphasis.

Pinkie giggled. "Well that was silly of them! Anyways, we can't find out where we are by just standing here, I mean duh! Oh, and I think I accidentally brought a human back with us," she said with a smile while patting Stanley's leg with a hoof.

For the first time since arriving after the spell, Twilight looked at Stanley. Her eyes widened and she took a step back. "Ack Pinkie, what's he doing here?"

"You only just noticed him? He's been with us the whole time, silly!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Wow Twilight, you must have bumped your head when we landed," she added helpfully.

Twilight gritted her teeth. "Excuse me for not noticing the human when we're being chased by a flight of dragons!"

"Why are there dragons here?" Stanley whined from behind a tree. He was still gazing into the sky as if one would appear at any moment.

"Well," Twilight turned to Stanley, "if we're in the Everfree forest as I suspect we are, then seeing dragons isn't such a big deal. In fact, it's almost to be expec... wait, who are you? You were driving that weird chariot thing and yelled at all those other humans, right?"

"Good question!" Pinkie exclaimed. She turned to Stanley. "What is your name, anyway? I just know you as the pizza guy."

"I'm Stanley and... wait, why are there dragons here?" Stanley repeated. He was half-kneeling and hugging the tree tightly. He turned to face the ponies slowly. "Where have you ponies taken me?"

Pinkie bounded over to Stanley and gave him another hug. "Well Stanley, I don't have my welcome wagon with me, but let me be the first to welcome you to Equestria! Or the Everfree forest! Or wherever Twilight managed to teleport us to!" she beamed.

Stanley stared at the two ponies for several minutes. He might have stared longer, but Twilight realized after several minutes that he had somehow managed to pass out while still gripping the tree and staring at them. She sighed and turned to Pinkie.

"You grab one leg, I'll grab the other. I'm pretty sure if we keep heading this way we'll end up in Ponyville eventually. We need to hurry up and get back to the library so we can find a way to get this human back home. We can't have a human staying in Equestria. Who knows what problems could arise?"

"Can't you teleport us there?" Pinkie asked.

"Sorry Pinkie, after such a complicated spell as the one I used to get us back here, I need a long rest before trying anything like that again. We'll have to hoof it." Twilight replied.

Pinkie and Twilight each bit one of Stanley's pant legs and began to drag him through the Everfree forest, slowly leading them all away from Ponyville and towards the unexplored and unknown regions of the world.

I Do Believe My Beard Just Bit Me

"Hello? Helloooo? Hey, how long are you going to lay there?"

Harvey Grimwold slowly opened his eyes. His head didn't feel right, and he thought he'd just heard someone call out to him. Why was he on the floor? Oh, right. He had gone drinking last night.

He pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked at his hands. Was that toothpaste on his fingers? Just how much had he had to drink last night, anyway? He couldn't remember a thing.

The biker took a look around the room. His sofa and coffee table had both been overturned, a lamp had fallen and lay in pieces on the floor, and beer cans littered the room. The latter was normal, but the sofa, table, and lamp should not have been in the condition they currently were in.

Suddenly, Harvey's beard grabbed onto his mouth and climbed up his face to hang from his nose. A small head that could have been that of a mouse peered over his nose and stared at him with crystal blue eyes.

"Well it's about time! How are you doing, my name's Pinkie Pie!" the creature exclaimed.

Every vivid detail of what had happened last night suddenly rushed back with crystal clarity. Falling at the bar, the Vagos gang, losing his precious Jeanie. Then there was his pink, talking beard-thing that had been sent to him from the devil itself to collect his troubled soul.

Harvey's left eye twitched slightly as he stared down at his beard, or the thing within his beard, which was swinging back and forth on his nose and humming happily. It seemed to have some paws in addition to the head that kept talking.

Nah, those aren't paws. Those are hooves for sure. he thought with wonder. Perhaps he was still drunk or unconscious. He decided to play along for the hell of it.

"So, beard, when did you decide to turn into a pink horse?" he asked with amusement. Oh yeah, today would be one of those days.

His beard-thing gasped and stared at him with a small frown. "I am not a horse. I'm a pony, and my name is Pinkie Pie. Not beard," it said with annoyance.

"Whatever," the biker said with indifference. "Why are you a pony?"

"I was born as a pony. Isn't that great? I mean, really, what's not to like about being a pony? I get to sing and dance, and throw parties for all of my friends! Well, I did do all those things up until the point when Trixie appeared back in Ponyville and starting casting all of these fantastical and amazing spells at everypony. I got zapped with one and then I ended up here stuck to your face. Isn't that just the best thing ever? Well, I guess it would be nice to be able to run and jump and play, but I could think of worse things than being stuck to your face. By the way, what's your name?"

Harvey stared at the ponified beard, amazed that it had finally shut up long enough to breathe. Wait, could beards breathe? He decided not to pursue that train of thought any further. The answer to that was best left alone.

"My name? It's Harvey Grimwold. What's yours?" he asked.

"Uh, duh! I've already told you twice you silly, you! It's Pinkie Pie." His beard-thing grinned at him.

"Pinkie Pie?" the biker asked. Suddenly he burst into laughter, causing Pinkie the Beard to fall from his nose and hang back under his chin.

"Wheeeee, that was fun!" the pony-beard giggled. "But I didn't hear anyone say a joke?"

"Don't you get it?" Harvey chuckled. "I've got a pink pie right on my face. That's just golden, right there."

"Not Pink Pie, Pinkie Pie!" the pony-beard corrected.

"No, no I mean a pink pie. Oh, forget it. It's over your head," the biker grumbled.

"And I'm under your head!" the beard-thing giggled and began to swing back and forth. "Whoo, whoo, whoo!"

Harvey Grimwold sighed. "Okay, knock that off. Hey, stop it!"

"Aww, you're no fun. Hey! Do you have any cupcakes? I'm starving!" Pinkie the Beard said.

It eats? Harvey thought mildly. "No, I don't have any cupcakes."

"Let's go bake some!" his beard-thing squealed.

"No! This was good for a chuckle or two, but I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to stop talking and turn back into my normal beard. I can't go outside with you looking like this," the biker said grimly.

"Okay!" the beard-thing said.

Thank you, Lord. I know I've done some bad things, but I'm just not ready to feel your wrath right now, Harvey mused to himself.

He stood up, steadying himself against the wall as the back of his head throbbed. It was no wonder he was having visions. His head had taken a beating lately.

His feet shuffled slowly as he made his way into the kitchen. A few roaches scattered to the safety of the walls. He passed the overflowing garbage bin that had empty pizza boxes thrown haphazardly on top of it. His hand reached up to the cabinet above the sink and opened it up. He pulled down a box of cereal and threw it onto the kitchen table, scattering a few dirty dishes that had been left there. Finally, he moved over to the fridge, opened it up, retrieved what he was looking for, and closed it.

The beer made a hissing sound followed by a pop as he pulled the tab. He set the beer down and grabbed one of the dirty bowls. It was soon filled with cereal and beer.

Harvey sat down and lazily moved the spoon up to his mouth. It had almost reached its destination when his beard suddenly jumped up and took a large bite from the spoon.

"Wahhh!" the biker screamed as he shoved his chair backwards. He pushed too hard, however, and he felt himself tipping backwards before his head received the third heavy blow of the day.

Cereal and beer covered the front of his chest, which was still shirtless from earlier in the morning. He could feel his beard tugging against his chin in an effort to reach the marshmallow bits that were stuck to his chest hairs.

"I told you to change back into my beard!" Harvey bellowed.

"I tried, but it didn't work," Pinkie the Beard whined. "Please don't get angry with me, I want to be your friend!"

"No! I don't want to be friends with my beard, or a pony, or a pony that is a beard! Go away!" the biker screamed hysterically.

"I can't!" Pinkie cried. "I'm so hungry too, could you move your head down a little?"

Harvey noticed that she, if it could be referred to as such, was very close to reaching a yellow, moon-shaped marshmallow that was stuck to his left nipple.

An evil grin appeared on his face as he slowly lifted his chin up, pulling his beard away from the tasty morsel.

"Hey!" his beard-thing exclaimed. "That was mean! You mean old, bald-headed brute!"

"You're not eating until you do as you're told!" Harvey said with vengeance. "You are my beard, and you will do as I... Ouch!" The biker was cut off in mid-sentence as he felt a sharp pain on his nipple.

He looked down to find a very angry pink pony looking up at him from his chin.

"You do not have to be a meanie!" Pinky grumbled.

"You bit my nipple!" Harvey yelled in shock.

"You're trying to starve me!" his beard-thing yelled back.

The two stared at one another, both too annoyed to speak. It was clear now to Harvey that this was to become a showdown of wills. His beard refused to listen to reason, so he would have to step up his game and show it who was boss.

Nobody bites the nipple of a Hell's Angel without receiving payback.