snarky necromancer in equestria

by mtthws

Rating: mature
Tags: Human, Dark, Comedy, Adventure
Length: 1217

after escaping a torture room a necromancer is portaled away to equestria. Shenanigans ensue.

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First time ever righting a story that isn't for school. Give all the criticism you think I Need. Mature for safety

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-26 23:34:21 UTC

and so it begins

So... are you going to tell me who your master is now?" My torturer asked with an almost cheerful tone.

"Well that depends, will you go eat a bag of dicks?"

That was the wrong thing to say. The man plunged a red hot scalpel into my left eye, and it made a popping noise as it fizzled into liquid. Needless to say i screamed in pain, but then i started laughing.

" Cause that worked the first fifty fucking times right," I ask in a sarcastic tone,  and all the while my eye was already healing. "What color is it this time," I ask innocently.

"Why the fuck wont you die?" The man asked almost sobbing.

   Now i know your probably. Asking why i'm stuck in a torture chair with a man child cutting out chunks of my flesh. I can understand that, it's not like it happens to people often, but unfortunately for me this is just an average Tuesday. I'm a necromancer. Yes yes i know 'oh forbidden school of magic, your evil, raising the dead is wrong, lets get a manchild to stab him!' But i'm not a bad guy, i don't pillage and rape, i don't raise the human dead often, an quite frankly i have saved eight orphanages without asking for payment unlike this 'holy' group of 'cleansers' that think i'm a scourge upon earth. But back to the main topic, the man child.

   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Listen,"i say," i don't plan on being here much longer so why don't you leave the room before i accidentally murder the ever living shit out of you."

  He just smiled. Hey i warned him. I started speaking incantations in an ancient  language. Before he could stop me, the beast had already been summoned. I always had a  preference to chimeras, and this was the most powerful one I  could summon in my current state. It ripped the jailer to shreds, no wait there was a chunk or two of his liver.

  " Keys," I demanded. The chimera tossed them over and went back to shredding. I made my way out of the room dispelling the chimera and stepping over the strewn intestines.  What greeted me outside of the cell was not pleasant. A mage, who's power was almost as great as mine cackled when he saw me. He spoke no words, only started murmuring. "Shit!" Was the last thing i remembered yelling before a portal ripped me out of my dimension and into what i thought would be hell. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Fluttershy eeped when se heard what sounded like glass breaking just one thousand times louder. After hinding under her bed for an hour she finall worked up the courage to investigate the noise.  Rainbow Dash had arrived before her and was already examining the creature, Fluttershy walked up and also examined it. The creature was wearing clothes, or some at least. It had black..maybey Sleeves on its legs and its feet were covered in a course tuff matetial. It had a weird looking mane, as it didn't go down its neck but hung very long off of its head. It was tall and lanky, but there was muscle there. The most interesting part were the scars that adorned its body.

"Um Fluttersh. ..what is it!?"

"I'm not sure Rainbow, but if it's hurt we need to bring it inside."

It took about 30 minutes to finally drag it inside fluttershy's cottage. When it was finally lain on the floor Rainbow Dash's curiosity was peeked." Hey Shy is it a guy?"

"Rainbow!"

"What, its just a question! "

.... "I'm not sure Rainbow, its appears to have umm...nipples but has a male shape, the only way to really tell is to..." she told pointing at its groin.

"Oh... ok," Rainbow dash said as she lifted the fabric from his waist. Her cheeks instantly reddened.

"Uhh... definitely a male."

"..."

"..."

  "..." "I'm going to get Twilight"  Rainbow Dash said as she flew off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

   I woke with a headache that could kill a god. I slowly opened my eyes and what greeted me were another pair of large blue eyes. The eyes widened a little.

" Wow, different color eyes gold and blue. "

I started to scramble backwards until i could look at what owned the eyes. "Holy shit a talking horse with wings." Then I  went back to sleep. Ok fine I fainted.

waking up

I woke back up an hour later, felling quite sick. " God what a fucked up dream," I mutter remembering that yellow horse thing. I look around and realize that I wasn't in the Order' s torture room. Well there was no possibility that I was in a yellow horse things house.

"Hello.... Are you awake?"

I froze at the sound off the feminine voice. I jump up, already healed and looked around. It was sitting on a chair at the other side of the room. "Holy Shit you're real. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuck! What am I doing here? Who are you? What are you? I gonna freak the fuck out. Holy Shi..." I had to stop ranting then because it screamed. Loud.

" Help Help he's advancing on me oh celestia. Help!! Rape!" That stoped me

"Wait,what? No, no, that isn't what's happening! " I was suddenly tackled by a cyan streak.

" Fluttershy are you alright? "The cyan..thing asked with a raspy voice, but it sounded female.

"Get the fuck off me, you stupid horse thing!" I shout.

"Wait he can talk?"the cyan one ask.

Then she,( I think it's a she) started punching my face." Ow,Ow,Ow,Ow,Ow,Ow,fuck,ow,ow,ow,ow,God damnint,ow, ow,ow,ow all,ow,right, that,ow,enough." When she pulled back this time, I mumbled a spell that made my hands colder than the arctic. When her punch followed through I caught her punch and I cloud here her scream then I heard her gasp for another reason. My face was already healed, and it scared her. It just made me laugh.

"But...but I know I hit you, I felt bones break, your mouth was bleeding, and I saw teeth break."Then rainbowed haired horse thing was the covered in a lavender light.

"Rainbow Dash get off it." Said a new voice also female

"But he was gonna rape shy!"

"No I wasn't."

"Wait.He?" The new voice asked

"I may have checked..."

"Wait you went and looked at my junk?" I ask

"Shut up!"said rainbow dash

" Fuck You, No!"

"Buck You!"

"Fuck you"

"Buck You"

"Fuck You"

"Enough, both of you!" the other voice said

I look over at the new voice and see a lavender unicorn with dark purple hair, with a two light stripes in it."And just who the fuck are you to tell me what to do?"

"My name is twilight sparkle, personal student of princess celestia, and as of right now I am the one who decides if your dangerous or not."

"Question! "

"Are you a horse?"

"Really?"

"What?"

"Well, technically I'm a unicorn,  but we are all ponies.Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy are pegasi, and my other friends are earth ponies, they don't have horns or wings."

"Oh ok, well that's decided. "

"What is?"

"I'm slaughtering the entire fucking Order!"

"What? You actually are dangerous? "

"Hahahahahahah, you have no fucking idea."