Sup guys. Names Rich and this here is my friend rocka. This is our story.
it was a dark and stormy night when I, Rich, was listening to music. I live in a big house with my friend rocka and Im also pretty rich.
“Hey man turn that down.”
“What the fuck did you say?
“I said turn down that lil wayne crap.”
“BRO YOU SERIOUS?”
“Nah, just kidding. I love that shit too.”
“Okay,” said me.
“So,” said Rocka. “how many bitches you bang today?”
“Oh about 550.”
“550????”
“550.”
Rocka stopped talking and so did I because something was shaking up our crib and felt really weird like an earthquake.
“Hey whats going on? Earthquake??”
“Nah dude I'd say its a hurricane.”
“Shit brah, that's even worse.”
“Or maybe it's a magic portal thing which is taking us to Equestria! It also appears to have a reading of 15.0 on the Richter scale,” said a voice.
“Shut up," we both said to the dog.
The dog shat up.
*BOOM*
“WOAHHHHHH!” We both said in unison.
Suddely the house stopped spinning and suddenly we had landed in a strange world. Suddenly there was a knock at the door.
“What the hell was that," said Rocka.
“Fuck,” I said.
“It could be metaknight,” said the dog again.
“dog, shut the fuck up. You play to much kirby and your not even meant to be able to speak so shut up you stupid creature,” I said with immense anger.
“Fuck off,” said the dog.
Me and Rocka then got the kitchen knives and stabbed dog so many times. There was a lot of blood and even some intestines and he screamed and screamed and we didn't care because we were gonna buy a new one anyway.
“I know whats for dinner at least. Stupid dog ruining our story,” said Rocka.
*KNOCK KNOCK*
“I'm coming you stupid person. Leave it yeh.”
I went to the door and kicked it open with my foot. It swung quickly open and hit some creature in the face behind it.
“Woah what is that????”
That looked back us with a stupid looking face. It seemed to be a stupid horse with an even stupider horse face. And it was fat and pink too.
“WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA!!!!!” said the pink thing wiping her bloody nose which got bloody from the door.
“Fuck off you fatty hoe and get your little pussy ass the fuck off our patio,” I said, kung fu kicking her off my house and slamming the door in her face in disgust and in disappointment.
“I thought it was more women." I said turning to Rocka.
“ye.”
The door opened again and the stupid pink thing came back.
“WELCOME TO EQUESTRIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Woah this bitch didn't listen. And whats worse, she added even more exclamation marks this time. WE HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“Hey I'm the one who's meant to break the fourth wall!”
“Oi cunt, I live in a triangle shaped house you spastic. There's no fourth wall.”
“WELCOME TO--”
BANG. (I shot her with a gun)
“Thank the lord for gun laws,” I say, blowing the smoke off my revolver.
me and rocka leave our house and the dead pink horse. we see some green grass and lots of houses outside. also lots of horses. also and even horses IN houses.
“What was that noise?” an orange one with a hat asks.
“I dunno,” sAYS Rocka. “Definitely not the sound of my friend blowing that stupid pink pony's head off with a revolver.”
“Shut up Rocka you idiot.”
Suddenly a little purple lizard came from the crowd of ponies and said hi.
“Hi.” said the little purple lizard.
“360 No scope!” said Rocka drawing his sniper rifle and doing a spin blowing the lizard's head off.
“Why did you do that?”
“I dunno.”
“Rocka you're a fucking idiot.”
“Hey you did the same.”
“i didn't do the 360 you fool. No trickshotting.”
“Okay.”
“SPIKE!!! NO!!!!”
“Who's spike,” I asked.
“I think she's the pink pony you shot with your revolver.”
“WHAT?!” said another pony
“Getting tired of your shit Rocka. Let me do the talking.”
I turn back to the ponies and see that they all have pitchforks and are looking very angry.
“I would be angry to if I only had pitchforks.”
In response to my response of their drawing of the pitchforks the orange pony throws her pitchfork and the pitchfork hits me in the leg. It hurt. Like pitchforks do.
“HAHA, is that it??? That pitchfork moved slower than the EA servers!”
“GOOD JOKE MATE,” said Rocka.
“It was, wasn't it?” We high fived.
The ponies were not laughing though and instead still looked angry.
“Charge!” one of them yelled.
“Lol,” I said.
“Dude, that makes no sense when you say it IRL.”
“You just said it IRL though, lol.”
“Fuckwipes.”
I bring my revolver out of my back pocket again and shoot the closest one in the face which happens to be a big red one with a green apple on it.
As it falls to the floor (dead) I run over and try biting the apple off.
“Ugh! This tastes disgusting! And why is the apple red now!?”
“We're surrounded!” said Rocka as he got a collateral hit.
“I'm still hungry!!” I said sadly.
“If we're going down then we're going down in style,” I say getting out my machine gun.
“True dat.” He bought out his RPG.
“Fire!”
The ponies started falling like dominoes as we killed them all. Then some stupid purple unicorn with a stupid purple horn used some magic stuff and our guns flew towards her broken.
“Woah, Magneto???”
"this place would actually be quite cool if all the mutants werent ponies.”
Suddenly a really really big sexy blue night pony came from the rest of the ponies surviving. Best pony walked towards us and glared at us immensely.
“You eyeballing me faggot?”
She blinked and said. “this is no way to behave. Come back to my bedroom and we'll start things from scratch.”
it was either that or being killed by Magneto (and some grey pony behind the transsexual Magneto who looked like Juggernaut) so I said yes.
“Yes, I do.”
“We're not getting married you disgusting piece of shit. I know EVERYTHING.”
“Oh really? I did very well in maths in 5th grade.”
She shrugged. “That's pretty good.”
“Okay let's go. Just make sure these horses don't hurt me.”
“Okay, I will.”
“Tread lightly,” said Rocka. “I'm gonna go get some chicken and some watermelon at the shop.”
“And some cornbread?”
“ye.”
TO BE CONTINUED.
"luna, wat are you doing? why are you taking off you're fur?" I said.
"i'm getting down and naughty," she said.
"but, you're a horse," I said.
"I'm an alicorn," he said.
"fuck this shit," I said.
i then got my knives and knifed her in the bum.
"where did all this blood come from?" asked Luna.
"the bum."
"okay."
"Can I go now?" i said while scratching the head of my willy.
"your willy's bleeding now. can i lick off the blood?"
And that was when the room caught fire.
"Hey, Rich. where 'ave u been, sonny?" asked Rocka.
"Almost seduced by a horse. what happened to you?"
"seduced by a horse."
"i'm leaving."
I then went over to ponyville and went inside one of the houses which was coincidentally full of ponies. There was a stupid orange one with a hat.
"hey, i thought you killed that one?"
"Did, I? I cant remember what happened."
"i remember," said the orange pony. "you killed me."
"great."
"thanks."
"your welcome."
"i've seen better days," said me.
"this has become extremely uneventful."
"I wish we'd just wake up. they broke my gun as well," said Rocka.
"when do i get to be the seventh element? I heard something about that," I didn't say.
"can i be the 8th element?"
"no." I said
"shame," Rocka said as he fell to the floor, dead. there was blood.
"who did this?!" i moaned, wailing and shaking my fists in despair at the sky.
"not me," the sky said back.
"28 days later, and still nothing to do."
"that's because you committed genocide on day 3"
"at least it provided food for a week."
"Yeah," Rich replied.
"Good times," I replied.
And then I woke up...
...To see myself naked and covered in the chains in the corner of a musty, dark cell.
"and this is why you don't leave the kettle on," said mum.
"Ah."
