Derpy Mail

by Angelic Waffle

First published January 1st, 1970 00:00

Dearest Derpy,
I am writing to alert you of an incident involving my last package, it arrived, and I am grateful for that; truly, I am. But, the cello I ordered was a shiny brown: not pink with green spots!
~Best Regards, Octavia.

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Dear Octavia,

Hi, it's Derpy Hooves here!

About that last package... Well, I just don't know what went wrong! Honest! But, as our policy says: 'NO REFUNDS' I'm very very sorry!

-From Derpy!

Dearest Derpy,

I am aware of your policy, and I am not asking for a refund. However, I do want what I paid for. Do you realise that I need that instrument to play at the Grand Galloping Gala? I cannot trot onto stage with such a cello in hand! This is a formal event, not one of Pinkie Pie's parties!

~Best Regards, Octavia

Dear Octavia,

Yeah, I guess you are right, but I can't get the right cello back! It's probably in the town hall or in Canterlot by now! My schedule is strict, being an independent company and all... But I promise Derpy Mail doesn't always mess up! Plus, a pink cello with green polka dots isn't that bad! You sound awesome no matter what! Please accept my apologies!

-From Derpy

Dear Derpy,

Have you seen it? It burns my eyes to look at it, the magenta clashes with the lime in the most awful of ways! If I play this, I'll blind somepony! Just, replace it! I need it replaced! Out of my sight even! Take it away!

~Best Regards, Octavia

Hey D.H.,

Sup? Octy's super P.O.ed we just really need this thing gone, I wouldn't even play it! Could ya pick it up sometime?

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dear Octavia & Vinyl Scratch,

Ok, ok, I'll pick it up. I hope this wasn't too much trouble. As compensation I'll give you guys a present!

-From Derpy

Dearest Derpy,

Thankyou. A gift isn't necessary, but I will accept your offer.

~Best Regards, Octavia

Hey D.H.,

That's wicked cool! I hope it's something awesome!

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dearest Derpy,

OH MY CELESTIA! THAT'S NO PRESENT IT'S A NIGHTMARE! TAKE IT AWAY!!!!! AGHHHHH!

~Best Regards, Octavia

Hey D.H.,

I got a feeling that Octavia doesn't like rats, too bad though, I've always wanted a pet rat. I called him Charles.

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dear Octavia,

Could at least give Charles a shot? He's a nice rat, I promise.

-From Derpy

Dearest Derpy,

IT'S DROPPINGS ARE EVERYWHERE! AGHHH! IT'S EATEN ALL OUR FOOD! NO MORE! VINYL'S HAD HER FUN WITH IT, NOW IT HAS TO GO!

~Best Regards, Octavia

Hey D.H.,

Don't listen to Octavia, I want to keep it.

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dear Octavia,

I don't know what to do! Charles is super nice, polite and kind, he's a great pet. I'll get you a cage for him if you want. Also Vinyl says she wants to keep it!

-From Derpy

Dearest Derpy,

VINYL DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS! AND I SWEAR SHE WANTS A HAPPY CALM LIFE!

~Best Regards, Octavia

Hey, D.H.,

Pssst... Octavia is lying!

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dear Octavia & Vinyl Scratch,

I have bought Charles a cage, it'll arrive at your house soon!

-From Derpy

Hey D.H.,

Thanks for the cage, Charles is lovin' it! Even better, Octy's alright with him as long as he stays in my room. Oh and get this: When I play my dubstep he bops his head to the beat! I think I'll give him a stage name... What do ya think?

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dear Vinyl Scratch,

I think he should be DJ-R4T that sounds cute!

-From Derpy

Dearest Derpy,

I am grateful for you getting that cage, I really am, however now, Vinyl's dressing the poor thing in shades and 'Gangster' clothing. She says it's because he's "DJ-R4T the best DJ rat in Equestria" but I'm not so sure.

Also, can you order me another cello?

~Best Regards, Octavia

Hey D.H.,

Could you order a mini DJ set?

Oh and an Everfree Siren Parrot, I got an idea!

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dear Octavia and Vinyl Scratch,

Both of your purchases have been notified of, and they are on their way!

-From Derpy

Dearest Derpy,

Thank-you for the new cello, I appreciate it a lot, but could you tell me what Vinyl ordered? She's in her room right now, giggling! I think she's up to something!

-Best Regards, Octavia

Hey D.H.,

Don't tell Octy anything! Got it?

Thanks: Vinyl Scratch

Dear Vinyl Scratch,

Okey dokey!

-From Derpy

Dearest Derpy,

I am happy you didn't tell, Vinyl's surprise would have been ruined. She got me the most beautiful bird, with such an enchanting song. She called Harmony, such a cute name, although, I will not be dressing up in a tuxedo like Vinyl suggested.

~Best Regards, Octavia