Leman Russ Visits Ponyville

by The Red Angel

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Discord, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Applejack, Comedy, Other, Scootaloo, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 1240

The Primarch of the Space Wolves ends up in our favorite little pony town. Excessive amounts of "Wat" ensue.

Bored and tired of staying in whatever chaotic Warp corner he was in, Leman Russ decides to go visit a random planet and enjoy himself. Too bad alcohol is illegal and a daemon keeps pestering him.

A totally random one-shot made up while out on the road.
I regret nothing.

THERE'S A SEQUEL!
Read Pinkie Pie the Space Wolf now please!

Published 2013-09-22 06:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-22 06:20:02 UTC

"Give me Booze or give me death!"

The warp.

An alternate dimension filled to the brim with chaos and daemonic sex addicts.

Also home to one of the mightiest warriors of all time, Leman Russ, Primarch of the Space Wolves and all around drunken lunatic.

In a fairly calm (if that were possible, but in the Warp, anything is) pocket of space, the amazingly strong and alcoholic Wolf King was bored senseless. He had been to every Slaaneshi orgy, every Khornate arena, and while he never failed to slaughter the drug-crazed deviants (Which besides drinking and chasing wolves, was one of his favorite hobbies) and kick Khornate ass, it was starting to get old. So the crazy fur- I mean epic badass decided he had enough.

"I've had enough!" he howled. (Because, ya know, WOLF KING)

"I should go find a planet, get drunk, and fight the natives!" The space viking proclaimed.

So he got up out of his fur covered throne, grabbed his trusty sword and tankard, and went to the

Warpway tm Daemonic Transportation system.

Cutting in front of a horribly disgusting Great Unclean One  (Who didn't mind since he was filled to the brim with Papa Nurgle's love) Mr. Russ killed the Attendant and hopped into the swirling Warp Portal of  Warpiness, to a strange new world! Hopefully with booze and natives to fight.....

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Sometime Later

Ponyville

Fluttershy's House

Fluttershy, resident animal lover (Not like that sickos) and vet, was out of town on business. So, Discord, Equestria's very own Greater Daemon, was having fun pulling random things out of alternate universes and putting them into awkward yet hilarious situations.

"Into the swirl we go! Who we find next no one knows!" He chanted.

The hodgepodge Madman's genetic experiment snapped his talons and reached into a purple maelstrom of chaos dickery he conjured up. (Using Angel Bunny as bait!) With glee  something heavy caught the poor rabbit. Discord who was now wearing a fisherman's outfit, complete with one of those stupid bait covered hats and rubber waders, pulled the line he had instantly tied onto that annoying bunny.

"Oh yes! A Warp Whale!" Discord cheered. "I will hug him and cuddle him and name him Michael Jackson!" The mad Chaotic God of all things Chaos exclaimed. He tugged and tugged, the large mass getting closer to Real-space with each pull.

"3.....2.....1...... Gotcha!" With a loud thump, a massive mass of armor and manliness crashed into the room, holding on to the poor rabbit with bone crushing strength.

"Oh my!" Dic- I mean Discord said. "You're a funny looking Warp Whale."

With a snap of his tail, the draconequus gently replaced the strange beast and got Angel out of its enormous grabby things. The indignant rabbit snorted and with a huff,hopped away. The metal beast stirred and with a leap, grabbed Discord's throat.

"WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, WARPSPAWN?!" The admittedly handsome stranger bellowed.  Discord poofed out of the primarch's hands, and onto his head.

"Hello handsome!" DIscord said, now in a French Maid's outfit. "My, what big muscles you have!"

Now since Discord was a being of randomness, gender mattered not to him. If he wanted some, by Q he was gonna get some. Snuggling up to the warrior, Discord fluttered his eyelashes.

Russ was confused. What was this freak, and why did it seem to be infatuated with him? Ah, screw it. He was here to get drunk and kick some ass, he really didn't care.

"Excuse me." He said in a somewhat softer tone, clearly annoyed with the daemon's antics. pushing the monstrosity off of his head, he introduced himself.

"My name is Leman Russ! King of Wolves and master of Booze!"

Discord smiled at him dreamily. A king and a drunk? This was his lucky day. The heavily armed Swedish, I mean Fenrisian warrior continued with his tale.

"Do you know where I can get some fine drink and fight some natives?" Asked Mr. Russ. "I have been bored sitting on my amazingly comfortable wolf chair and I wish to have some fun!"

Discord chuckled. He knew just the right pony with which to test Leman's might with and drinking skills. She had an unhealthy obsession with a certain fruit, and was possibly participating in Southern things. (BOW CHICKA WOW WOW!)

"I sure do, my handsome warmongering friend." He replied. " Let me lead you to Sweet Apple Acres!"

And with a snap of his claws, Discord teleported himself and Mr. Russ to the hillbilly hovel.

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Some more time later

Ponyville

Sweet Apple Acres

SNAP!

THUMP!

"DAMMIT!" Leman got up out of the crater his chunky butt made (HEY!) and looked around him. Rows and rows of Ancient Terran apples surrounded him and the strange daemon.

"Follow me sailor!" Discord said. "I'm gonna show ya to Applejack!" The monster skipped in front of the Primarch, who was very slowly getting enraged yet simply followed.

They walked up to a large barn, which appeared to have been rebuilt over and over again. Working inside was an orange pony wearing a somewhat stupid hat in the Wolf King's opinion. She was sorting out the various types of tree-borne fruit, and hadn't noticed the two people behind her. Discord snickered, knowing the perfect time for some chaos when he saw it.

"HONEY! I'M HOME!" he bellowed, causing Applejack to literally jump up ten feet.

"Dammit Discord, Ah told ya ta nevah do that!" Applejack spoke, forehooves hanging on the rafters. With a acrobatic flip, AJ landed back in front of the two weirdos.

"Who's this freak?" Asked Applejack. Leman was appalled. The filthy xenos backflipped from a rafter ten feet above her head and he was the freak? This just did not do. Before he could voice his rage however, Discord interuptted.

"This here is Wolf King Leman Russ. He's here on vacation with the intent to, and I quote, "get some fine drink and fight some natives." You can help in that quest correct?"

The young mare frowned.

"Ah'm sorry Mr. Russ. But if yer lookin' fer booze, yer out ah luck. Them fancy-prim snobs up in Canterlot had alcohol banned last fall, after Prince Blueblood died from alcohol poisoning, thank Celestia fer that, I mean fer Blueblood kickin' the bucket, not the prohibition-whatever."

After hearing the horrible news, Leman Russ, Primarch of the mighty Space Wolves, Scourge of Cyclops everywhere, completely lost his shit. With a howl, he charged at Applejack.

"Oh sweet Celestia, don't let this psycho kill meh." The farm pony prayed. She bent over and prepared to kiss her plot goodbye when suddenly, a massive explosion rang out. An amazingly massive tank, with what appeared to be eleven cannons, crashed through the side of her barn and fired three of its mighty cannons. The blast sent Leman Russ flying back into the warp.

"Leman Russ is blasting off again!"

"WAAAAGH!"

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Later that evening, Applejack was enjoying a mug of cider with a stocky man smoking a cigar.

He had a snarky little shit-eating grin on his face.

"Thank's again fer everythang, Mr. Creed." She said.

"Don't mention it, my little Xenos friend." He replied.

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A little later from that, in a field outside of Ponyville, Discord was looking out at the moon and stars. Tears were running down his freakish face.

"Goodbye my love..." He cried.

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"And that's how I got my cutie mark!" Scootaloo exclaimed. Twilight just facehooved.