Medicine, Magic and Cynicism

by soren

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Main 6, Other, Spike, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 3496

Dr. House, a cynical pony has to deal with 6 mares and a princess who represent everything he is not

Dr. Gregory House is called upon to try and save the life of Twilight Sparkle after she falls mysteriously ill. While he is trying to solve this case will the elements of harmony and a certain sun princess teach him about friendship and how to trust? Or will they learn more about themselves then they may have wanted to know?

---------------------------------------
I do not own anything involving House M.D. or My Little Pony: FiM

I haven't seen a crossover between MLP and House which are two of my favorite shows. I'm not a great writer and don't know if I could do a character like Dr. House justice or be able to mix them together correctly. If anyone has seen a house/mlp fanfic please point it out since I'd be very interested in reading it.

Published 2012-03-03 05:24:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-06 04:00:06 UTC

Prologue

I do not own anything relating to House M.D. or My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Ditzy Do and her daughter Dinky were shown into one of the examination rooms by a nurse at the Canterlot Teaching Hospital. The grey pegasus sat up on the examination bed after being led in and her daughter sat down on one of the chairs against the wall.

“A doctor should be with you in a few minutes.” The unicorn nurse stated who had the generic Red Cross cutie mark for most nurses.

“Thank you, nurse.” Ditzy replied and nodded her head in the general direction of where she stood since her eye condition made it hard to focus on the nurse. The other mare nodded her head and left.

“Dinky, don’t play with those.” Ditzy reprimanded her daughter in a soft but firm voice. The little grey unicorn filly had been playing with the wooden sticks in a jar sitting on the counter near the sink.

“Sorry Mom.” Dinky replied and sat down.

A few minutes passed before the door opened again. A silver unicorn with a dark brown mane that had begun to turn grey walked in. Derpy could see that his front right leg had a cane attached to it with two braces holding the staff against his leg causing him to limp due to his inability to bend the appendage. Along with the usual clop of hooves hitting the tile floor the cane added a recognizable click noise while he walked. His cutie mark was a red puzzle piece with a white pill capsule in the center of it.

“I am Doctor House, and I have just spent my whole morning recovering from a hangover from drinking too much and taking drugs.” He paused for a moment to look over at Dinky. “Don’t mix painkillers and alcohol, kid.” He added.

“Um?” Was all Ditzy had to say, unsure how to reply to such an awkward statement.

“Oh, I’m sorry let me explain. This is the part after I tell you my problem you then explain whatever problem you have that requires you to waste my time.” The doctor stated with a condescending tone of voice.

“Oh, well my boss at the post office wanted me to come in to the hospital because of my eye condition. I accidentally flew into a mailbox and they want me to look into getting treatment.” Derpy explained her condition. It was an embarrassing topic for the pegasus. Because of her cross eyed appearance many assumed her to be mentally challenged earning her nicknames like ‘Derpy’.

“How long have you had this condition?” The doctor inquired looking at her with his face a hoof’s distance from her nose. It took Ditzy's bad depth perception a second to realize he was so close and pulled her head back uncomfortably.

“Well, ever since I was about 5 years old.” She replied.

“And it took you this long to finally look into treatment?” He asked as he levitated a quill and began writing down a prescription. “It says here on your records that other doctors had already prescribed medication for this.”

“Well I don’t really want to take medicine. My mother and father always told me they do more harm than good.”

“Well you don’t need to take the medicine if you’re not comfortable with it.” Dr. House stated calmly accepting her refusal.

“Really?” Ditzy said with a small smile on her face.

“Yes. You can avoid taking the medicine. Then one day when your daughter comes home from school, she’ll learn that while her mother was flying her rounds she flew into a building and broke her neck because her depth perception is out of whack from her crossed eyes. Then she can grow up the rest of her life without her mother and have a whole array of emotional and abandonment issues because her mother was too stupid to take medication.” The doctor informed her.

Ditzy gasped hearing what he said and saw Dinky look up with wide eyes. “My mommy’s gonna die?”

“No, of course not dear.” Ditzy turned her face and tried to give the meanest look she could at the doctor. “Why would you say such a thing in front of her?” She demanded.

“Because if you keep pretending like you can do a job that requires flying between buildings to deliver mail while having trouble with your eye sight, you are eventually going to have an accident.” He informed her sternly and levitated the slip of paper with the prescription she needed. "It's your choice, be stupid or not."

Ditzy bowed her head and took the slip of paper. “Thank you, doctor.” She said in a small voice knowing he was right and her pride bruised from the tongue lashing he gave her. The doctor mumbled something before undoing a bottle and taking two pills from it with his telekinesis then turned and left.

Dr. Gregory House hobbled out of the room that had the grey pegasus and her daughter and over to the receptionist. “If anyone needs me I’ll be looking over important medical files in my office.” He stated to the nurse on duty dropping the Ditzy Do file on the desk before making his way to the lounge to take a nap and sleep off the rest of his headache.

Twilight was walking through the town square with her assistant Spike riding on her back. The two were watching along with some curious bystanders as Rainbow Dash pulled off some gravity defying feats in the air over their heads.

Twilight raised her hoof and rubbed the side of her head as she suddenly felt dizzy. “You okay Twilight?” Spike inquired noticing his friend rubbing her temple.

“Yeah, just a got a little light headed from following Dash’s performance.” She replied.

“Yeah how about it, she sure has some awesome moves.” The purple dragon agreed as he looked back up at the rainbow colored blur spinning through the air.

The cyan pegasus finished off by spiraling towards the ground at breakneck speeds. She lifted her wings and stopped her frightful decent and hovered only inches off the ground before lightly touching down.

“Wow Rainbow Dash that was awesome!” Spike yelled out and the pegasus struck a heroic pose at the compliment.

“Awesome is what I do best.” She replied swishing back her rainbow colored mane with one hoof. “Awe now Twilight there is no need to bow even if you are standing before the most awesome flier to have ever lived.” The cyan pegasus said noticing Twilight bend her front legs resting on her joints with her head down.

“Twilight?” Spike inquired noticing something was wrong right away and Rainbow Dash trotted up with a worried look on her face as the baby dragon jumped off her back and walked over to where her head was resting on her front legs.

“Twilight, are you okay?” The cyan pegasus inquired her early bravado replaced by a look of fear upon seeing that her friend was in pain.

“No.” Twilight gasped before falling onto her side.

The largest problem I have with writing more of this story is that I know nothing of medicine or being a doctor. The most I know is from a biology 101 class I took in college (and slept through most of it). So I might just come up with some Equestrian pseudo biology. I would hope this does not affect anyone's enjoyment of the story. Since I don't usually know wtf they are talking about on the show anyway and still love it. Any critique is helpful to help me improve the next chapter.

Chapter 1

The rest of the gang was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital waiting to get any information about Twilight's condition. Spike had sent a letter to the princess just after the incident to inform her about what had happened. She had sent the best doctors from the royal hospital to the Ponyville hospital the moment she received the message.

The 5 mares and 1 baby dragon sat in the Ponyville hospital's waiting room. Spike had fallen asleep a couple hours ago, worn out from spending a whole day pacing and worrying about his older sister. Applejack was sitting beside a trembling Fluttershy trying to calm the light yellow pegasus.

“Now don’t ya go worrying your little head off. The princess done sent her best doctors and they’ll take care of Twilight.” Applejack stated patting Fluttershy on the back who was taking it the hardest amongst all of them. She was curled up in a ball and had her tear stained face hidden behind her pink mane. “She said herself she’ll be comin’ today.”

“Most certainly, Princess Celestia is the wisest pony in all of Equestria she will know what to do for our poor Twilight.” Rarity added noticing Applejack trying to comfort the poor pegasus.

“I-I guess so.” Fluttershy said in barely a whisper as she lifted a hoof and wiped a tear off her cheek.

"Yeah then we're going to throw the biggest most awesomist party ever after she gets better!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed. The pink party pony was not as jumpy or random as of late but she kept her overly optimistic attitude in spite of the current dilemma the 5 friends found themselves in.

“It’s been 2 days now. What is taking these doctors so long to find out what is wrong? Aren’t they supposed to be the best?” Rainbow Dash showed her agitation by pacing back and forth. The cyan pegasus could not keep herself still since the day it had happened, agitated there was nothing she could do to help her friend.

“Now Rainbow Dash, being a doctor is a very hard job. They have to make sure they do not mess up or Twilight could be in a much worse condition.” Rarity tried to explain to her friend.

Rainbow Dash stopped pacing and bowed her head with a sigh. “I know. It’s just so annoying that there is nothing we can do to help.” She stated.

“I understand sugarcube but we just have to accept dat there ain’t nutin we can do. We just have ta let the doctors do their job.” Applejack sympathized.

In that moment the doors opened and a tall regal alicorn walked in flanked by two royal pegasus guards. “Princess Celestia!” The group of 5 ponies exclaimed excitedly waking up a purple baby drago. As the shining white alicorn approached their group who bowed as she walked up to them.

Princess Celestia had a somber look on her face but still managed a small smile for their sake. “Please, rise my little ponies.” She greeted. Her pastel multicolored mane that constantly flowed on an ethereal breeze did not seem as vibrant compared to the other times the ponies had seen her.

“Do you know how Twilight has been doing, Princess? We haven’t been allowed to go in and see her for nearly 2 days.” Rarity said after they raised their heads.

“I’m about to go speak with the head doctor. You are welcome to join me if you would like.” She offered and they all nodded their heads eagerly. The group followed the princess and her guards as they made their way down a corridor.

They came to a room that was curtained off and had four doctors wearing the royal blue uniform of the Canterlot Royal Hospital standing in front discussing something.

“Doctor Strong Heart.” Princess Celestia called out and the 4 doctors stopped their discussion and turned to see their monarch. They all bowed and then a dark grey unicorn with a black mane and a stethoscope cutie mark stepped forward.

“Princess.” He greeted.

“How is my student doing?” Princess Celestia inquired keeping her voice calm and soothing despite the fact she was one of the most nervous ponies in the room.

“I regret to inform you we have not found out what is wrong with her yet, Princess.” Strong Heart replied.

“C-can we go see her?” Fluttershy spoke up quietly.

“She’s been resting all day so I don’t think there would be a problem with you going to see her for a short while.” The doctor stated and walked forward moving the curtain apart with his magic and stepped inside.

The group looked at Twilight Sparkle lying in a hospital bed. Her once bright violet coat seemed to be a pale shade of purple now. Her eyes were half closed but she smiled weakly upon seeing them none the less. “Hey.” She greeted them in a weak whisper.

“How ya been feeling, Sugarcube?” Applejack inquired walking forward to her friend.

“How the hay do you think I'm doing!” Twilight yelled then had a shocked look on her face. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I snapped at you like that."

Applejack was the first to respond after Twilight's episode. "It's okay Twi. We all know this is tough on you and we're all here to help ya through it."

"Thanks girls. I'm so grateful you're all here now." Twilight told them with tears in her eyes.

The group spent some time talking with Twilight before she fell back to sleep. They walked out of the curtained off room and Strong Heart closed the blinds behind them.

“So how bad is her condition?” Princess Celestia inquired unable to hide the small tone of anxiety in her voice.

“If we can’t find out what is wrong. I would say she has a couple weeks, maybe less.” He replied in a solemn tone.

“Do you have any idea, any at all about what could be wrong?” The princess asked next.

“That’s something I wanted to discuss with you, Princess. She doesn’t have much time; whatever this is it’s nothing any of us have ever seen before.” He held up his hoof before they could bombard him with questions.

“We should take her to Canterlot, they have better equipment in the city. Also there is a doctor who specializes in cases like these, his name is Doctor Gregory House and he is one of the best diagnosticians I have ever seen.” Strong Heart paused for a moment to let it sink in. “However he is a bit, ‘eccentric’.” He added.

“Do you think this Dr. House could find out what is wrong with Ms. Sparkle?” Celestia inquired sounding much more like her normal self, able to push aside her emotions with this small shred of hope.

“It’s not a guarantee, but her chances would be greatly improved under his care I believe.” Dr. Heart replied.

“Very well, my carriage is outside. You may use it to transport her to the capital.” Celestia ordered.

“It will be done, your highness.” The doctor said and bowed his head before turning and started giving orders to the nurses and other doctors.

“House!” Doctor Lisa Cuddy demanded pointing a hoof at the unicorn as he laid on one of the couches in the 3rd story lounge reading a magazine.

“Did you know that’s the sound a gryphon makes when she wants to find a mate?” House inquired holding up the magazine with the page he had that showed a gryphon with its beak open obviously yelling something. “However I’m afraid I left the rabbit I hunted for you this morning back at my apartment.”

“I need to talk with you, now.” The light tan female earth pony with the dark brown mane ordered before turning and walking off.

House groaned and sat up and gingerly stepped off the couch. He then walked out the door to see his boss. He hobbled up to her curious as to see what she was on edge about today. “Either you are angry because I took the last blueberry muffin at the cafeteria yesterday or because I skipped out on my clinic duty the day before.”

“House, this is serious I just received a letter from the Canterlot Royal Hospital.” Cuddy began.

“Whose the daddy? Dr. Wilson?"

“House!” Cuddy yelled stomping her hoof and turned to glare at him making the unicorn turn his head slightly finding her frustration amusing. “Princess Celestia herself is coming to our hospital to bring her personal protegee for treatment. Obviously someone in the Royal Hospital thought it was a good idea to recommend you to her highness.”

“They are stumped by her illness and think you might be her best chance.” She added. “As of right now I want all of your focus on this case.” She hoofed him the file which he grabbed with his magic and opened it up in front of him.

“Very interesting.” Was all House had to say as he read.

“And I am begging you House. The princess herself will be here, do not make an ass of yourself and embarrass this hospital in her presence. Or we will all be out of a job.” Cuddy pleaded with him but he was already engrossed in reading the document and turned and limped off without saying a word. His muzzle still buried into the papers.

Dr. Cuddy stood there watching him leave. She wondered if she should quit her job now instead of spending the rest of her life on the moon alongside that irritating stallion. She sighed and started the trek back to her office trying to ignore the feeling of dread gripping her.

House walked up to his team and dropped three copies of the subject’s report. They looked up at him before each taking a copy.

Dr. Robert Chase, a light grey pegasus with blonde hair opened up his copy on the desk with a flick of his wing. Dr. Eric Foreman, a dark graphite colored unicorn with a close cropped black mane grabbed another form with his magic and levitated in front of himself. And finally Dr. Remy Hadley a light blue pegasus pony with a long brown mane grabbed the last folder.

“Okay we have a very important pony to cure. The patient was just admitted half an hour ago.” House stated walking up to the chalk board.

“Are we talking about the unicorn that arrived in a royal chariot flanked by royal guards?” 13 inquired.

“No, that was another important pony who was trying to impress the doctor performing her annual physical.” House retorted sarcastically making 13 roll her eyes. “This is what we know so far, loss of balance, mood swings, magical field instability, and fatigue.” The grey unicorn listed off as he wrote them down on the chalk board.

“Well that could be any number conditions.” Foreman stated leaning back in his seat.

“Well assuming that the royal doctors know how to deal with the common unicorn cold, we can safely cross that off the list. Also the patient’s blood work showed lethal amounts of magical saturation.” House added pacing to the other side of the board. "Something is causing our patient's body to accumulate more magical energy then it can handle."

"We could use a surge spell to try and kick start her magical field and her horn could dissipate the build up on its own. They use it on unicorn foals when they cannot control their magic." Chase was the first to speak.

"Let me be more clear, I want an idea that will not flood our highly irradiated patient with even more magic resulting in her untimely and probably painful death." House replied with an edge to his voice at the stupid idea.

"A tumor in her prefrontal cortex could be interfering with her horn's ability to control her magic. It would also explain her mood swings." 13 stated.

"Already done however her MRI scans were inconclusive due to the amount of magical radiation in her blood." House began pacing again trying to wrap his mind around the problem before them.

"A high enough dose of mandrose could lower the magical energy in her blood long enough to get a clean scan." Foreman mentioned.

"And probably cause her kidneys to fail too." Chase added.

House thought for a moment before nodding his head. "Do it."

"It would also help if we knew what kind of magic she has been practicing or been in contact with lately." Foreman said.

"Chase and 13, go and search her house for anything that could explain her condition. Foreman can administer the drug." House ordered before turning and started walking out. "Let's get to work people."

"And what exactly are you going to be doing?" Foreman inquired.

"Lunch." House stated as he walked out of the meeting room.

Some people may have wanted an actual biological condition without magic during an MLP/House M.D. crossover. However I felt it made more sense if magic is a very important part of Pony physiology. The story will go into more detail of pony biology and how magic works and all that in upcoming chapters as well as interaction between the MLP crew and House's team.