Two Dudes in EquestriaA collaborative effort betwixt:ChaseCosmicwingAwkwardTacoLord Ershwin Wholewheatbro
Chapter One: Duuuuuuuude.
Pumping iron was Jim’s favorite pastime. Same with Tim. Everyday at at 5:00 right after work at their fitness center you could find them at the same place, the fitness center. They would alternate on the machines. Tim on the bench press, Jim doing squats. Jim on the bench press, Tim doing squats. Five hours in, Jim’s biceps had finally reached their maximum stress at the same moment Tim had begun to feel pain in his hamstrings.
“Dude, it’s time for Protein Shakes,” Tim said as he threw the barbell to the floor and wiped the sweat from his brow.
“Awww yeah, bro. Hey did you catch this month’s new Playboy?” Jim asked, popping the cap off a protein shake and sipping its sweet chocolatey contents.
“Yeah, man,” Tim smiled as he remembered the erotic women he had seen previously that day. “Those ladies are fine.”
Tim was too busy chugging protein and dreaming of play bunny tits to notice that his cell phone had been buzzing in his pocket.
“Hey, bro,” Jim said, pointing to Tim’s pocket. “Your phone is ringing, man.”
“Oh, thanks brah,” Tim said as he pulled out his phone and snapped open
“Sup, bro. This is-”
And then it happened…
~Equestria some time later~
All of the Elements of Harmony enjoyed going out on their bi-weekly picnic outside of Ponyville. Though Rainbow Dash cared little for the occasion and Rarity was just pompous about everything else, Fluttershy personally enjoyed the social time with her galpals.
“Um… girls?” Fluttershy tried to squeak over a particularly heated argument between Pinkie and Twilight over the merits of working for the greater good instead of playing.
“Look, Pinkie. I can understand how you think throwing a party for every single new pony you meet makes them feel like they’re part of the town, but don’t you think those resources can be put to you kn-”
“Hold it!” Pinkie interrupted, pointing a foreleg at the lavender unicorn. “I can’t just stop throwing parties! That’s coo coo talk! That’s like if I said you had to stop reading books! ‘Betcha you wouldn’t like that.”
“Girls...um, girls,” Fluttershy tried speaking up a little louder, but alas, the butter-colored pony’s attempts were in vain as the argument got even more heated. “I’ll just, um… go now… I have to feed Angel.” Fluttershy then stood up and made her way to her cottage leaving her friends to their own devices.
On the path back to her house, Fluttershy was greeted by a strange sight. Angel bunny. However it was not so strange a sight in itself. What was weird was the fact that he was so far away from the cottage. Judging by the look on his face, he was trying to find her. The rabbit gave her legs a few tugs while pointing towards the mare’s house. He looked as if he was panicking.
“Oh, my.” Fluttershy spoke “Angel, what’s wrong? Did something bad happen while I was gone?”
The rabbit just continued to tug at her leg with a sense of urgency until fluttershy began to trot along with him over to her cottage. When she reached her cottage it was a complete mess. her fence was pulled down and chicken coops knocked over and her front door hung wide open not to mention garbage was littered around her lawn. She walked up to a strange looking carton and picked it up.
“Muscle Milk?” She read out loud but before she could discern the meaning of it, a loud crash caused her to jump. A loud crash that came from the inside of her house.
“Dude, this is definitely not my house,”a booming voice said from inside the cottage. “Is it yours?”
“No, bro. This place is way too small. Plus it has all these sissy flowers everywhere.”
“Y’think we’re at your Grandma’s house, man?” the first voice asked. Unbeknownst to Fluttershy, the sounds inside were Tim and Jim casually rummaging through her pantry in the quest for Slim Jims and Power Bars.
“Bro, I’m just starving,” Tim said as he placed his hand on his abs. “I could eat a horse.”
“Yeah, dude. Same here,” Jim replied as he tossed bags of animal feed out the window. Small woodland animals scurried away from the impact sites, lest they be squashed by the falling food.
Fluttershy was all but in a coma at this point. Her hyperventilation became such a big impediment to her forward movement, she stopped almost completely. Angel continued her towards the house by pushing on her legs. He was indeed a strong bunny.
“Man, there ain’t nothin’ here but sissy seeds and nuts. I ain’t no bird,” Jim said sourly as he threw the last bag out of the window.
“Wait a sec, bro. Nuts are protein!”
“Oh, yeah! Let’s go grab those bags and annihilate ‘em, bro!”
Fluttershy let loose a silent cry of terror. Angel moved on forthwith, not breaking pace when confronted with the imminent danger. If nothing else, he would be able to escape without a problem. Nothing of value would be lost.
Just then two hulking creatures the likes of which Fluttershy has never scene broke forth from the entrance to her house. They immediately froze when they saw her.
“Dude.” Tim said picking up Fluttershy with one hand for in all her size she was smaller than the creature’s arms. At this point her eyes went wide with fear.
“Look at the size of this horse!” Tim said bringing her around for Jim to see.
“Haha! It’s so puny bro!” Jim said playing with the yellow pegasus’ forehooves, very much reminiscent of a young boy playing with action figures. Jim placed her into the position of a karate chop and swung her forelegs up and down. It is safe to assume, at this point, that Fluttershy had entered cardiatric shock.
“H-hello.” Fluttershy barely whimpered, attempting to communicate with the behemoths she was at the mercy of. At that moment they both froze and ceased their poking. Both gave her an awed slackjawed stare which caused Fluttershy to try and hide behind her pink mane Did I do something wrong? she thought to herself.
“Dude?”
“Yeah?”
“That horse just talked to us…”
“Yeah, dude. It looks like a stick of butter.”
“I wonder if it’s butter-flavored. I like butter.”
“Bro, you can't have butter now that we’re on that protein diet,” Tim smacked his friend’s chest. “Too much cholesterol. Messes up with squats and crunches.”
“Shoot, sorry dude,” Jim corrected himself. “I totally forgot.”
“Besides, bro, it probably doesn’t even taste like butter.”
“I bet you it does!”
“How about we ask it, bro?” Tim offered, grabbing Fluttershy by the tail and yanking her diminutive body upward. “Horsey-dude, are you made out of butter?”
Fluttershy moved her mouth but words didn’t come out “They’re really going to eat me!” The thought raced through her head and her heart rate started to quicken. She looked to Angel with pleading eyes to save her, but he was already gone, busy collecting his personal belongings while his brave master gave her life for him. He would never forget her sacrifice.
“Dude, I think you broke it,” Jim observed as Fluttershy began spasming uncontrollably. Any attempts she made at communicating her distress came out as incoherent babble and mutterings. Fluttershy’s eyes rolled to the back of her head, foam began to seep from her mouth onto the gravel.
“I guess it doesn’t want to tell us,” Tim mused. “Maybe there are some other horse-things down that road over there, bro.”
“Yeah, dude. I see a bunch of houses and stuff. They might have Slim Jims,” Jim replied with a hearty pat on Tim’s back. “Good thinking, bro!”
They set out on a brisk jog towards the population center of Ponyville. Still outfitted in their workout clothes, the jogging was actually rather pleasant and serene. This led Tim and Jim to let their minds wander. Tim, after thinking about that Playboy magazine from earlier that day, set his gaze upon the blue sky. His eyes widened as he saw one of the coolest things he had ever seen.
“Dude!” Tim exclaimed, pointing up to the sky. “Hot air balloons! We could go sky diving, man!”
“Bro, we should totally do that!” Jim agreed. The two high-fived each other, smacked each others’ rears, and chest bumped. Before they even got to the staging area for all of the balloons, Jim spotted something even more interesting. “Wait, man! There’s a store over there. They might have Slim Jims!”
“Good thinking, bro! We’ll need to get some protein munchies and there might be a vitamin shoppe nearby!”
“Let’s get to it!” Jim yelled to Tim as they briskly jogged over to Sugarcube Corner.
As per the norm, the Mane Six had ended their picnic shortly after they had discovered Fluttershy had left without telling them. The first to arrive on the scene in Ponyville, dissatisfied with the food Twilight had prepared at the picnic, was Rarity. An appetite for sweets came only once in a blue moon, but when it did emerge, Rarity made sure she bought only the best.
Unluckily for her, the sugar munchies would have to wait for a while. The two bros were moving bodaciously fast towards the town with their brisk jogging. Their glutes were nice and warm by the time they strolled up to bakery.
“Bro! This sugar shack is totally unhealthy, dude,” Tim pointed out to Jim. “We can’t let those horse-things eat sugar and cholesterol, man.”
“I know, dude. We should go and throw out all of that sugar,” Jim agreed. “Maybe after that we could help the horse-things with some awesome ab workouts.”
“Bro, that is an awesome idea!” Tim said and gave Jim a hearty high-five. “But I call the squats.”
“Aw, not cool bro. You always get the squats,” Jim replied. “Can’t you take up the crunches for once, dude?”
“No problem, bro.” Tim agreed.The two smacked each other’s rears once more and proceeded into the bakery. The looks of awe and confusion on the horse-things’ faces barely registered in the bros’ thoughts as they shoved their way through the relatively tiny kitchen area.
The two horse-things that were in the kitchen at the time scrambled out as the two bros made a beeline for the totally not cool sacks of sugar. Ripping the miniscule sacks with sheer gusto and strength, the two bros began their sugar genocide. Sugar and flour coated all corners of the room as they reached the final bags.
“Bro! There’s a bunch of cakes and pies still!” Tim observed amongst the destruction.
“That is so not cool, man. Pulverize those wimpy cakes, dude!” Jim replied as he was punching a bag of sugar.
Tim began delivering bodacious uppercuts to all the wimpy cakes and pies, splattering filling and frosting alike across the room. The two looked upon their work and declared it to be good and radical.
Now content that their awesome crusade against the evils of butter and fat was complete, the two exited the kitchen with a celebratory high-five. Unbeknownst to the two bros, Rarity had fainted mere minutes before from the sight of such huge behemoths entering the bakery. Tim was the first to realize that the horse-dude existed right before Jim stepped on her.
“Bro, that’s another one of those horse-things!” Tim stated, prompting Jim to look where he was about to step.
“Dude, you’re right! Man, it looks like it had too much cholesterol and had a heart attack. I knew it was bad for the horse-things to have so much sugar!” Jim said.
“Bro, they’re so lucky that we got rid of it for them.”
“True that, bro. True that.”
Tim took a closer look at the horse-thing and discovered that it had a horn on its head. “Dude! This horse-thing is like a unicorn, bro!”
“Oh, yeah! It has a horn and everything. I heard once from a dude that unicorns fart rainbows, bro!”
“That sounds mega sketchy, bro. Did he ever actually see a unicorn fart rainbows?”
“He said it was science or something.”
“Dude, if its science, then it’s got to be true!” Tim affirmed. He then plucked the horse-dude by its tail and began poking it. “Hey, horsey-dude! Can you fart rainbows for us, or are you just going to keep napping, bro?”
Rarity was quite beyond conscious thought at this point, still overreacting from seeing such uncouth behemoths of muscle. This brought about much annoyance from Jim and Tim.
“Bro, I think you broke another one.” Jim observed as he continued poking the horse-bro.
“I know, bro. These things are even more puny and wimpy than I thought.”
“Dude, we really need to teach these horse-dudes how to pack on some strength. If they keep eating sugary cakes and stuff, they’ll always be mega puny.”
At that moment they heard a something which sounded like a cross between a shotgun being cocked and a party blower. They turned around to find themselves looking down the barrel of a cannon.
“Step away from the sweets and nopony gets hurt!”
Standing in front of the bros was what looked like one seriously ticked pink horse with poofy hair.
“Dude that horse has a cannon! What do we do?” Jim said in a frightened whisper.
“Don’t worry, bro. My uncle said that horses’ don’t know how to use cannons.” Tim whispered back. “Let me handle this.”
Right after he finished saying that Tim ripped his shirt off with ease and walked right up to the cannon so that the barrel was pressed against his abs. He then spread out his arms in a defiant challenge to the horse. Pinkie was not only taken aback by this reaction but only now that it was this close did she notice the sheer difference in size between them.
“C’mon! Do it!” Tim yelled
“W-wha?” Pinkie was now startled at the creature’s reaction, size and ability to speak their language
“Come at me, bro! You won’t!” He challenged again, smacking his pectorals forcefully. “Gotta finish what you start, bro!”
“What are you talking about, crazy-wazey?”
“Oh, you’re wussing out, huh? Alright, fine!” Tim exclaimed as he shoved the barrel of the cannon in a different direction. “How do you wanna do this then, huh bro? Squat-off? Arm-wrestling?”
“Wha-arm wrestling?” Pinkie asked quizzically.
“Alright, then!” Tim yelled as he grabbed Pinkie’s foreleg and brought it to a nearby counter. “On the count of three! Onetwothree!”
Sooner than Pinkie Pie could even comprehend what was going on, she found herself and on the floor from the sheer force of Tim’s arm.
“Aw, yeah! Way to go, bro!” Jim exclaimed and held out his hand for a high-five. Tim returned the gesture and they both smacked each other’s rears.
“I. Am. So. Pumped!” Tim yelled as he ran towards the party cannon and hefted upon his back. He then proceeded to perform ten consecutive squats with the added weight.
Once he was finished, he tossed the cannon to the other side of the room. They both decided to leave seeing as there were no slim jims, completely forgetting why they were here or what they were going to do. Pinkie, who was laying in the wreckage of the counter, just watched in dizzy awe at the sight of them throwing her cannon aside as if it was a tennis ball.
“Nighty-night.” Was all Pinkie could say before her vision went dark and she went unconscious
Jim and Tim left the bakery with an increased hunger for protein and adrenaline. Suddenly, Jim remembered something from earlier before.
“Bro! Those big balloons from outside, dude!We could ride them and see from high up if there are any Slim Jims!” Jim reminded.
“Oh, yeah, bro! Let’s fly those balloons and show them who’s boss!” Tim agreed wholeheartedly. As they once again began briskly jogging towards the staging area for the balloons. Meanwhile, Applejack was preparing a hot air balloon with her trademark apple pattern on it for a voyage while conversing with her friend Twilight.
“Are you sure you don’t need help?” Twilight said, not entirely convinced of her friends previous assurances.
“Ah got it. Ah got it” Applejack said as best she could while tying a knot with her mouth.
“You remembered to bring plenty of water right? It’s a long trip and you could-”
“Ya don’t need ta go an’ baby me Twi, I can handle my-ah there she goes.” Applejack proudly stated, finally tying the knot. “Look, Ah appreciate that you care but don’t worry Ah’ll be just fine” she threw her forehoof around Twilight’s shoulder and gave her a sure look to prove her point. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have ta get goin’. See ya in a few days sugarcube.” Applejack then jumped in the balloon and released some of the weights.
“What in tarnation?” she thought to herself as the balloon should have been rising much faster with the amount of weight she dropped. “Hey Twi! Did a rope get stuck on somethin’ down there?” she yelled down at her friend. The first thing she noticed was the look of terror plastered on Twilight’s face as she watched two nearly hairless creatures climb into the balloon with her friend.
When Applejack turned around after seeing her friends face her eyes went wide as she was waist level with two monstrously muscled creatures.
“Hey, little horsey-dude. Know where some bros can go get some Slim Jims around here?” Tim asked.
“Ah-but. High up- and! Huh!?” Applejack rapidly babbled out, not able to figure out what sentence to get out first.
“Careful. Don’t break this one too, man. They’re fragile and wimpy, remember?”
“Nah, man. This one seems chill. It’s not eating all those sweets and look at those leg muscles! He must be a pro at squats!”
“He eats apples, bro. That’s way healthier than all that sugary stuff,” Jim agreed.
“Bro, do you see some of those horse-things flying over there?” Tim asked as he spotted a pegasus off the side of the balloon.
“Yeah, man. It’s really crammed in here, dude.” Jim observed. “The horse-thing should be a bro and take a jump.”
“Yeah, man.” Tim agreed. “Hey, horsey-dude. Can you fly out of here? We need to find some Slim Jims up in here.
“Ah can’t-” Applejack attempted to respond.
“Thanks, broski!” Jim replied to Applejack’s non-existent affirmation. Grabbing hold of her forelegs, Jim tossed Applejack out of the balloon with incredible ease.
The ground no more than a hundred meters away, Applejack began to wonder what in Eqestria she had done to get tossed out of a hot air balloon today. Luckily, right before she hit the ground, a cloud of purple magic enveloped and carried her to the ground.
“Thanks, Twi.” She said feebly as she got up and stared at the balloon. “What in tarnation are those things?”
Back in the balloon, the search for Slim Jims had proved fruitless. Dissatisfied with their results, the two bros began brainstorming what to do next.
“Bro, we need to get down from here and get some Slim Jims.” Tim said.
“True that, man. But I don’t know how to land a balloon, dude.” Jim replied.
“That’s no problem, man. There’s these huge sack things up here,” Tim said as he held up a burlap sack that had once held apples. “We can use them like parachutes, dude!”
“Aw, yeah. Skydiving is awesome for adrenaline and testosterone!” Jim exclaimed and they both high-fived each other.
They both grabbed a sack, nodded to each other, and jumped down with the sacks raised over their heads. Just before they hit the ground, however, Jim’s cellphone began to vibrate in his pocket. Jim reached down to answer it.
“‘Sup, bro. Who is it?”
And suddenly they were back home again.
