Two and a Half Mares

Two and a Half Mares

A not-so-much-of-a-one-shot-anymore by StrayanPhoenix772

Cloud Kicker sat peacefully behind her piano, experimenting with different compositions and lyrics for a new jingle she was working on for a pesticide commercial.

“If you’ve got bugs…

If you’ve got ants…

If you’ve got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl…”

Her eyes lit up, and she quickly scribbled something down on a piece of paper. Her ear twitched as the front door opened up.

“We’re here!” Ditzy Doo called out cheerfully, carrying a cardboard box balanced across her wings, followed by her daughter Dinky on a scooter, and Flash Sentry, who was also carrying a box of miscellaneous objects.

“Dad, come see my room!” Dinky said eagerly, darting up the hallway.

“I’ll be right there, sweetie,” He called out to her retreating form.

“Hey Auntie Cloud!” Dinky smiled as she whizzed past.

“Hey shorty!” She replied with a wave, getting up from the piano.

“Hello Cloud Kicker,” Flash greeted curtly.

“Hello Flash. What’re you doing here?” she responded likewise.

“If you must know, I’m here to help Dinky set up her room so she feels like nothing’s changed,” Flash huffed.

“Really? You don’t think she’ll notice that her mom’s living here and her dad’s dating dudes?” Cloud quirked an eyebrow skeptically.

“Could you say that a little louder? Dinky might not have heard you.” Flash narrowed his eyes, “And just for the record, I’m not dating anypony, and I threw your sister out because she was sucking the life outta me.”

‘I bet that’s not all she sucked.’ Cloud snarked internally.

“... Could you say that a little louder?” Ditzy frowned, trotting out to grab another box.

“Auntie Cloud hasn’t met Porky yet!” Dinky raced back out of the hallway and outside.

“... Who’s that?” Cloud asked.

“Porky’s her pet guinea pig,” Ditzy explained off-handedly.

“... You’re bringing vermin into my house?!” Cloud whined.

Dinky waltzed back inside, levitating a large cage. Inside was a large brown guinea pig, which stared vacantly off into space, along with a water- and a food dispenser. “Auntie Cloud, check him out! Isn’t he awesome?”

Cloud suppressed herself from snorting in disgust. “... Yeah.”

“See those little black things? That’s his poop.” Dinky giggled.

“... Awesome,” She nodded with a fake, slightly patronising smile.

“I don’t want her in the water this weekend, she might have an ear infection,” Flash stated.

“Aw Dad…”

“Oh no, it’s okay muffin! We can uh… we can go to Disneyland or something! We’ll have a great weekend!” Ditzy smiled brightly, “We can play miniature golf, we can go bowling, flying… whatever you want!”

“Ditzy, relax. You’re starting to sound like a vibrator commercial,” Cloud snarked.

Flash shook his head exasperatedly, “Dinky, why don’t you go put Porky in your room?”

“Okay!” the filly was gone in an instant.

“Ditzy, I’m very concerned. She’s just a foal. I don’t know if she can deal with this,” Flash murmured worriedly.

“Oh, give your daughter some credit! She’s an incredible kid!” Cloud grinned.

“I was talking about you,” Flash glared at her flatly, before following his daughter into the hallway.

Cloud shrugged. “... That’s fair.”

“Yeah,” Ditzy nodded.

Ditzy was sitting down at the computer desk, busy alternating between writing down notes on a piece of paper, and eating a tub of yoghurt with a spoon.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted movement, and she turned about to see Pinkie Pie standing directly outside the glass door on the patio, smiling brightly. Ditzy gave her a tentative wave, and Pinkie waved back cheerfully.

“... Cloud? The strange mare from down the road is back!” Ditzy said aloud in a slightly-concerned tone.

“Oh, yeah. She’s here to foal-sit,” Cloud nodded, walking down the stairs from her bedroom.

Ditzy blinked. “Come again?”

“I thought we’d go out and have a drink,” Cloud gestured.

She stared flatly at her sister. “... You want me to leave my daughter with the whack-job who’s been stalking you since your one-night stand?”

“Hey, you try to find a foal-sitter on a Friday night!” Cloud retorted.

“It-It’s okay Ditzy! Cloud and I talked, and I understand that we’re just friends,” Pinkie explained gently, “And that it is not okay for me to sneak into her house and lick all the silverware!”

Her eyes widened in realisation, and she glanced in horror at the spoon she had been using.

“... As reassuring as that sounds, we can’t go out tonight,” she collected herself, clearing her throat, “We’re getting up early to go to Disneyland!”

Cloud frowned skeptically. “... ‘We’?”

“Yeah. I thought maybe you’d wanna come with us,” Ditzy gestured.

“Ditzy, I’m not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house!” Cloud muttered, “Why would I fly fifty miles to see their kingdom?!”

Pinkie raised her hoof gleefully. “Oh, I’ll go! I’ll go!”

“Eh, maybe some other time, Pinkie,” Cloud shook her head, “It turns out we’re not gonna need a foal-sitter tonight.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie,” Pinkie shrugged indifferently. She glanced down at the wooden seat beside her. “I’m gonna take this seat cushion, okay?”

Cloud shrugged. “... Knock yourself out.”

“Why does she want your seat cushion?” Ditzy frowned worriedly, as Pinkie swiped the green cushion from the seat and disappeared from sight.

“I don’t know why she brought it, nor do I know why she’s taking it,” Cloud muttered. She turned and started walking towards the door. “Okay then, I’ll see you later.”

“Wait, you’re still going out?” Ditzy blinked.

“Yeah, why?”

“I… thought you wanted us to spend some time together?” She shuffled about.

“Here?” Cloud looked skeptical.

“Mm!” She nodded.

“Okay,” Cloud turned and sat down on the sofa, while Ditzy sat down on the armchair.

Both sisters stared at each other in awkward silence.

“...”

“...”

“... What’re you thinking? Ten, fifteen minutes?” Cloud murmured.

“Go,” Ditzy sighed instantly.

“Thanks,” Cloud got up and bolted for the door.

Cloud murmured something incoherent as she came round from her slumber, as Celestia’s morning sun filtered in through the drapes.

Upon opening her eyes, she frowned at the guinea pig surrounded by a light-yellow aura, hovering just inches from her face.

“... Good morning Auntie Cloud!” Dinky giggled in an adorable high-pitched voice.

“... Morning Porky,” Cloud mumbled.

“Did you have sweet dreams?”

“Dinks, rule number one: Auntie Cloud does not like to start her day with a squealing creature in her face,” Cloud rubbed her eyes.

“Sorry,” Dinky dropped the accent, “Grandma’s here. She wants you to come down.”

“... Okay, you’re not listening,” Cloud frowned, “Rule number one…”

Cumulus sat at the kitchen table with several documents in her magical grip, while Ditzy shuffled about making a cup of coffee.

“This is a list of the top divorce attorneys in Canterlot,” Cumulus explained, “I’ve made appointments for you with each of them.”

“Mom, I don’t need to meet any attorneys!” Ditzy whined, “I’m not getting a divorce!”

“I’m sure you don’t think so,” she smirked wryly, “The point is, if you consult with all the good lawyers, it’s a conflict of interest for them to represent Flash! He’ll be stuck with some ambulance-chasing clown from Hoofington who’ll fold like an origami swan!”

“I-I don’t want this to be--” Ditzy spluttered.

“Mommy busted her hump on this, Ditzy,” Cumulus snapped sternly, levitating the documents towards her.

“... Thank you?” Ditzy hesitantly accepted them.

“Morning,” Cloud wandered into the kitchen and opened up the fridge.

“... Is that all you have to say for yourself?” Cumulus frowned. “You haven’t returned any of my calls this week! It’s all I can do to not imagine you lying dead in a ditch, somewhere!”

“... Right back atcha, Mom,” Cloud muttered, grabbing a juice box, “What did you wanna talk about?”

“Too late. I’m not speaking to you,” the Unicorn huffed.

“All right,” Cloud shrugged indifferently and sat down.

“Would you like to know why?” Cumulus quirked an eyebrow.

“No, I trust your judgement,” Cloud shook her head.

“Because, when your sister’s marriage ended...” Cumulus paused, sensing Ditzy’s incoming protest, “Yes, I know Ditzy, bla bla bla!”

“… And she chose to move in here,” she continued, “Your coldness towards your mother became more than just the behaviour of an ungrateful daughter! It’s now an obstacle to my spending quality time with my beloved granddaughter!”

As Dinky waltzed into the kitchen, Cumulus reached out with a hoof to bar her path and drag her into a hug.

“Are you comin’ to Disneyland with us, Grandma?” Dinky asked cheerfully.

“Oh darling, Grandma doesn’t do Aneighhiem!” Cumulus shook her head.

Ditzy finished up her coffee and started heading for the door, “Well uh, we better get going! Try to beat the queues! Thanks for dropping by, Mom. Come on, let’s go Dinks. Race ya to the car!”

“Bye Grandma! Bye Auntie Cloud!” Dinky dashed after her.

“Bye!” Cumulus waved. She then stared at Cloud, who was finishing up her juice box.

“...”

“...”

Cloud abruptly stood up. “... Wait for me! I’m goin’!”

Cumulus shook her head exasperatedly. ‘Of course.’

[Twelve Hours Later]

Cloud and Dinky wearily dragged themselves through the front door, wearing ridiculous pirate hats on their heads and carrying large show bags of miscellaneous stuff. Clearly, they had the mutual agreement that Disneyland wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.

Ditzy, however, had extra spring in her step, carrying an ‘invisible dog’ leash in her teeth.

“Come on boy, come on boy! Heel! Heel! Heel! Now, stay! Stay!” she cooed, “Oh who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?”

Both Dinky and Cloud glanced at each other and shook their heads.

“Hey Dinks, you wanna take him?” Ditzy offered her the leash.

“Yeah, whatever. Come on, leash,” the filly muttered, dragging it along the ground behind her as she wandered down the hallway.

“Get ready for bed!” Ditzy called after her, “I’ll be right in to tuck you in!”

Cloud slumped down on the sofa with an irritated huff. “‘Happiest place in Equestria’ my ass.”

“I had a good time,” Ditzy shrugged.

“Oh really?” Cloud narrowed her eyes, “Which part did you like best? The equatorial heat, the endless lines, or the large Stalliongrad mare who threw up on me in the Teacup?!”

“Okay, okay. Maybe… things could have gone smoother,” Ditzy admitted, before adding optimistically, “But tomorrow’s gonna make up for it!”

“Ditzy, you could get us all laid tomorrow, and it’s not gonna make up for it!” Cloud grumbled.

“Hey sleepyhead! You’re just in time!” Dinky smiled, preparing breakfast. “Your pancakes are almost ready!”

“I’m not hungry,” Dinky mumbled.

“Not hungry? Come on, you gotta fuel up that engine!” Ditzy grinned gently, “Got a big day planned!”

“My ear hurts,” the filly moaned.

“Oh no… Let me feel…” Ditzy frowned in concern, placing a hoof against the filly’s forehead. She furrowed her brow in thought. “... Oh yeah, you’re a little warm. Prob’ly another ear infection. Umm…”

“Okay, okay! New plan!” She stooped down with a gentle tone, “We’ll uh… we’ll get you onto those antibiotics from Nurse Redheart, we’ll uh... watch a little TV, and uh… play some video games! We’ll still have a great day!”

“I wanna go home,” Dinky whined.

Ditzy’s smile twitched. “You uh… you are home.”

“I know, but the real one, with Dad.”

“... Um…” Her smile disappeared. “... Okay, uh… I understand that. You know uh… when a filly’s feelin’ sick, she uh… she needs her dad, huh Cloud?”

“Well…” Cloud stammered, “... I may not be the one to ask…”

“Okay uh… I’ll call your dad and tell him we’re on our way…” Ditzy forced her smile this time as she wandered out to find the phone.

“Alright, it’s just you and me now,” Cloud muttered, leaning down, “Are you really sick, or are you just faking it to get out of another fun-filled afternoon?”

“I’m really sick!” Dinky protested.

“Just checking,” Cloud straightened up. “Because I was gonna fake it.”

Cloud sat at her piano again, resuming her work on the pesticide jingle.

“If your home is bug-infested,

filled with spiders, flies, or gnats,

all our sprays are safety-tested,

we kill vermin, not your cats.”

The front door clicked open, and Ditzy stepped in, closing it behind her.

“Hey! How’s the jingle coming?” She asked.

“The lyrics are fine, the music… needs a little work.” Cloud shrugged. “How’s Dinks?”

“Oh, she’ll be okay. I stayed over at the house a little while…” Ditzy gestured, “We watched some movies, I made us some soup and a couple of muffins, and Flash suggested I take mine to-go.”

“‘Suggested’?” Cloud quirked an eyebrow.

“Well, he shoved it in my saddlebag and shoved me out the door,” Ditzy rephrased with a sigh.

“That’s rough,” Cloud murmured.

“Nah,” Ditzy shook her head sadly.

“Uh, listen, uh… I’m afraid I’ve got some... more bad news for you…” Cloud stood up, gesturing towards the cage on the coffee table.

“Oh no! I forgot to bring Porky back!” Ditzy facehoofed.

“See, that’s the thing.” Cloud murmured, “... Nothin’s bringing Porky back.”

“... What?” Ditzy blinked, horrified, “P-Porky’s dead?”

Cloud shrugged apologetically. “‘Bu-dee, bu-dee, bu-dee! That’s all folks!’”

“Oh Sweet Celestia!” Ditzy whimpered, trembling as she picked up the cage off the table. “... Oh Sweet Celestia!”

“It’s okay! We… we can get Dinks another guinea pig!” Cloud offered.

“Dinks’ll be fine!” Ditzy shivered, “This is her fourth Porky in three years! She goes through ‘em faster than shoes! Fluttershy will probably have my head if we go back asking for another one!”

“No-no, this is about my life!” She shook her head, sniffling loudly as she sat down on the sofa. “Everything’s going to Tartarus!”

“Okay, I-I-I… don’t cry! We can still be friends!” Cloud stuttered anxiously.

Ditzy wiped her eye with the back of her arm, before glancing at her with a slightly puzzled expression. “... What?”

“I’m sorry, it’s the only thing I know to say when somepony cries around here,” Cloud shrugged apologetically.

“I am so sorry Porky!” Ditzy sobbed, “You just kept running around in yer little cage, tryin’ to make ev’rypony happy, and whadda ya get? You get dead!”

“You do know the pig can’t hear you, right?” Cloud murmured.

“Don’t you get it?!” Ditzy screamed, “I am the pig!!”

“Okay, okay!” Cloud reeled back at the outburst, “I-I-I’m just asking, because your-your reaction doesn’t seem very healthy to me!”

“And what do you think would be healthy, Cloud?!” Ditzy grit her teeth.

“I dunno.” Cloud shrugged. “... Why don’t we toss Porky in the river and go get bombed down at Berry’s?”

“... How could you?!” Ditzy shrieked, horrified, “How could you?!”

After a few moments, she nodded numbly, “... Okay.”

Berry Punch’s Bar was bustling with activity, as ponies from all walks of life mingled around drinking, chatting merrily, and playing billiards at the pool table. Ditzy and Cloud perched themselves at the bar, contently sipping their drinks.

“... Toss him in the river,” Ditzy muttered morosely, “Very clever.”

“Who knew sea ponies eat guinea pigs?” Cloud blinked.

An Earth Pony waitress strolled up to a large bell mounted on the wall and tugged at the cord, causing the bell to emit a loud ding.

All at once, nearly everypony in the bar all barked like dogs, before each taking a shot of tequila from small glasses.

“What’s happening?” Ditzy glanced around warily.

“Sunday’s Tequila Night at Berry’s,” Cloud explained, grimacing slightly as the burning liquid tore down her throat. “Every time the bell rings, you gotta take a shot.”

Ditzy frowned. “... Why?”

“‘Cause the bell rings,” Cloud gestured.

“Oh.” Ditzy shrugged, “Okay.”

She raised the glass to her mouth.

“You gotta bark first,” Cloud interjected.

Ditzy blinked, before emitting a half-hearted “Woof”, and draining the glass in a single swig. She nearly gagged at the bitter taste. Cloud glanced across at a barkeep and gestured for two more drinks.

“Cloud…” She mumbled, staring vacantly at the glass, “When my daughter looked at me, and told me that she wanted to go ‘home’... that broke my heart.”

“I saw,” Cloud nodded.

“You know, my foal is sick, and… I can’t even be with her,” Ditzy whined, “You-you know, I’m a failure, Cloud! I’m a failure as a mother, I’m a failure as a wife…”

“First of all, you didn’t fail!” Cloud lay a hoof across her shoulders reassuringly, “That little filly loves you! And second of all, just because your husband decides he doesn’t like banging mares, doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a wife! Although, I wouldn’t brag about it...”

“You’re right! You’re right! This is Flash’s fault!” Ditzy growled, “He’s the one who-who breached our marriage contract asunder! And-and-and I let him make decisions that should have been my dominion!”

“Ditzy, ponies are gonna do whatever they’re gonna do in this world,” Cloud muttered, “The only thing a mare can control is her own actions!”

*Ding!*

“Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!” Everypony suddenly barked and chugged down another shot.

“I can’t remember where we left our car,” Cloud mumbled as the two sisters piled into a taxi, “And I don’t exactly wanna be caught flying home like this.”

Ditzy glanced around warily, buzzed from all the alcohol she had consumed. “... This isn’t our car?”

“Where to, ladies?” The driver, an Earth Pony stallion wearing a flat cap, asked politely.

“Home!” they both chorused.

“And that would be…?”

“Shetland Oaks!” Ditzy bellowed.

“... We don’t live in Shetland Oaks!” Cloud frowned.

“I do! I am a Shetland Oaksian, and-and I am going home for as to reclaim... my home!” Ditzy scrunched up her face.

“Oh… that’s a very bad idea!” Cloud chuckled, shaking her head, “I’ll tell ya what’s a good idea: Chilli cheese fries and a large root beer! … With chilli cheese fries!”

She paused, before adding as an afterthought, “... and ponies!”

“No!” Ditzy shook her head stubbornly, “I am going home to my husband... to impose my dominion over ‘im!”

“Oh yeah! The colt-cuddlers love that!” Cloud snarked.

“Driver!” Ditzy exclaimed, “Shetland Oaks!”

The cabbie nodded and started accelerating.

“1167 Bonnie Meadow Drive,” the cabbie reiterated the address as he pulled the taxi up outside the house.

“Goodbye Cloud,” Ditzy mumbled, “I’ll be back for my things tomorrow.”

She then leaned across and patted the cabbie’s shoulder, “Thank you driver. You’ve been most kind.”

She stumbled out of the taxi and towards the front door.

“So, back to Ponyville?” The cabbie glanced over his shoulder.

“No, let’s give it a second…” Cloud shook her head with a wry smile.

After a few moments, she squinted as she spoke up again, “Did you know… they put chocolate pudding in tubes now?”

“No…” The cabbie murmured, “No I did not.”

“They do. My niece eats them,” Cloud grinned, “They’re surprisingly good.”

“You know, that’s an interesting sibling-dynamic you’ve got going with yer sister there,” the cabbie observed.

Cloud furrowed her brow, “... You get that I’m loaded, right?”

There was suddenly a frantic tapping on the window, as Ditzy hurriedly clambered back into the taxi, shouting “Drive, drive, drive!”

The cabbie planted the accelerator to the floor, and the taxi sped off.

“So…” Cloud smiled like a cheshire cat, “How’d it go?”

“He-he chased me outta the house with-with a golf club,” Ditzy muttered.

“... Huh,” Cloud mused,“Taking up golf already. What was it, like a six-iron…?”

“What difference does it make?!” Ditzy exclaimed.

“I just want to be able to tell the story accurately,” Cloud defended.

Ditzy just shook her head with a bitter smile, and out of the blue, both sisters started giggling.

“Ha! Ha… it’s not not funny,” She said with a semi-straight face.

“Then why are you laughing?” Cloud giggled.

“Ha! … ‘Cause I dunno what else to do!” Ditzy’s bitter smile returned, “... I wish I could ask Dad for advice.”

“... You’d go to Dad for marriage counselling?!” Cloud asked incredulously, “Ditzy, our father committed suicide to get away from our mother!”

“What are you talking about? Dad didn’t commit suicide, he died of food poisoning!” Ditzy frowned.

“I maintain that he knew fish wasn’t gonna be good for him, but he kept eating it anyway!” Cloud said indignantly.

“Yer mother sounds like a real piece o’ work,” The cabbie murmured.

“Oh pfft!” Ditzy snorted.

“You have no idea, my friend!” Cloud smirked, wrapping Ditzy up in a tight hug, “My mother took my baby sister and dipped her in sissy sauce, and turned her into the pony-pleasing control freak you see today!”

“That’s right!” Ditzy nodded, “And-and she made her so scared of intimacy, that-that she just has this endless stream of gorgeous ponies running in and out of her life.”

“Damn her!” Cloud grit her teeth.

“You know, many psychologists agree that until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most ponies are doomed to repeat dysfunctional foalhood patterns,” The cabbie murmured.

Cloud frowned. “Just drive the cab, Doctor Phil!”

“You know what, Cloud?” Ditzy pointed with a hoof, “He’s not wrong! At some point, we have to stand up to her!”

“Oh, well look who’s got beer muscles all of a sudden!” Cloud snarked.

“No no, I’m serious! Come on, right now!” Ditzy gestured, “L-Let’s confront her, right now! You with me? Come on!”

Cloud shook her head, and shifted her gaze out the window next to her.

“... Sweet Celes-- oh Sweet Celestia!” Ditzy gasped, “I-I can’t believe it! You really are afraid of Mom!”

“I am not,” Cloud pouted indignantly.

“Ha! All these years, I thought you were so cool, but you’re just a big, clucking chicken!” She poked her.

“... Ouch.” The cabbie muttered.

“‘Ouch’?” Cloud blinked irritably, “Okay, okay, that’s it! We have a new destination! Center of Canterlot!”

“You got an address?” asked the cabbie.

Cloud gestured with a hoof, “Just… go east on Sunset until you reach the Gates of Tartarus.”

“... She’ll buzz us in,” Ditzy added with a nod.

Both sisters chuckled darkly as they approached the front door to Cumulus’ house.

“I can’t wait to see her face!” Cloud muttered.

“Oh, she’s gonna freak!” Ditzy grinned.

Cloud glanced aside, “You ready?”

“Ring the bell! Ring the bell!” Ditzy urged hurriedly.

Cloud reached up and pressed a button on a console in the wall, triggering the bell to go off inside.

Out of habit, they both barked softly. “Whoo-whoo-whoo…”

After a few moments, they blinked and glanced at each other in confusion.

A grumpy voice spoke up over the intercom. “Who is it?”

“It’s your daughters!” Cloud growled.

“Cloud and Ditzy!” The latter added.

After a few moments, an outdoor camera overhead started whirring about to face them.

They both stared into the camera with goofy grins and waved. “Hi Mom!”

“Oh dear Luna. Hold on, I’ll be right there…” Cumulus grumbled.

“Okay uh, what exactly are we gonna say to her?” Ditzy asked hesitantly.

“Now you ask?! This was your safari!” Cloud exclaimed.

“Well, we’re here to resolve the core maternal... thing.” Ditzy furrowed her brow. Her eyes lit up and she turned about. “Wait! I’ll go ask the cabbie!”

Cloud quickly bit down on her tail with her teeth, and dragging her back to the door. “Nice try.”

They glanced around warily as the outdoor light switched on and the front door opened up, revealing a dishevelled and rather agitated Cumulus, dressed in a pink bathrobe.

“Somepony better be dead,” she growled.

“... Porky’s dead!” Ditzy suddenly exclaimed.

“And you completely screwed up our lives!” Cloud added, pointing accusingly at the Unicorn.

Cumulus blinked and shook her head incredulously. “... I’m sorry?!”

“Well, that’s good enough for me!” Cloud said hurriedly, snapping her wings open and taking off.

“Yeah, I’m good!” Ditzy quickly agreed, following close behind.

Both sisters scrambled back to the waiting taxi, shouting “Drive, drive, drive!”, leaving a puzzled and perplexed Cumulus standing at her doorstep. After a few moments, she shook her head and went back inside.

Cloud and Ditzy sat basking in the morning sun on the patio deck chairs, surrounded by at least a dozen empty beer bottles. Pinkie Pie sat on her haunches inbetween them, staring expectantly at Cloud.

“Good morning sunshine.” She whispered gently, as Cloud’s ear twitched.

“Oh Celestia, close the drapes!” Cloud moaned, raising her arm in front of her eyes to block out the piercing sunlight.

“Hey, what’s this?” Pinkie glanced down at the floor and picked up a piece of paper, with a bit-note attached with a paper clip. “‘Release and indemnification form’,” she read aloud.

“What?” Cloud frowned.

“Were you on some kind of television show last night?” asked Pinkie.

“I don’t think so..."

“Well, you and your sister signed it,” the pink party-mare offered her the slip of paper.

“Lemme see that…” She swiped it and took a quick look at it. Her eyes widened.

“Ditzy,” she said anxiously.

“Ditzy!” She repeated, lightly tapping the sleeping mare from her slumber, “Wake up!”

“Huh?” Ditzy blinked, glancing around warily. She frowned at the sight of all the beer bottles.

“We got a problem.” Cloud passed her the piece of paper.

“... 'TaxiCab Confessions'?” Ditzy read aloud, furrowing her brow, “What…?”

A video clip from the camcorder in the taxi showed Cloud leaned into the cabbie’s ear, singing the jingle she was working on, while Ditzy was passed out beside her, snoring softly.

“If you’ve got bugs…” Cloud sang slightly off-key in a drunken slur.

“If you’ve got ants…

If you’ve got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl…”

She grinned expectantly, “Eh?”

“Ain’t that Beethoven?” The cabbie murmured.

Cloud raised a hoof to her mouth. “Shhh…”

Another clip showed Ditzy, now awake again, muttering aloud to anypony who was listening. “I don’t… I don’t even know how my husband is gonna be a colt-cuddler! He hates oral sex! Hates it!”

The End