Two and a Half Mares

by Strayan Phoenix

Rating: teen
Tags: Cloudkicker, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Dinky Hooves, Derpy Hooves, Crossover
Length: 10044

Ditzy Doo and her daughter Dinky are forced to move in with Ditzy's drinking, play-mare sister Cloud Kicker, when Ditzy's partner boots her out of home.

Ditzy Doo and her daughter Dinky are forced to move in with Ditzy's drinking, play-mare sister Cloud Kicker, when Ditzy's partner boots her out of home.

A one-shot crossover between 'My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic' and 'Two and a Half Men'.

Not quite sure where I was going when I wrote this, but ah well. Let's see what happens...

Published 2013-09-23 15:20:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-26 03:04:04 UTC

Pilot

Two and a Half Mares

A one-shot by StrayanPhoenix772

“So, what do you think?”

“... Wow.” Cloud Kicker blinked at the rather suggestive article of lingerie that the brown-maned Earth Pony stallion was holding up for her to see. “... It’s for you, right?”

“Nah girl, it’s for both of us.” the stallion chuckled, before turning for the bathroom door behind him, “Don’t go away, now.”

“Don’t worry, there’s not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere,” Cloud murmured.

Her ear twitched as the phone on the bed-side table started ringing.

After a few moments, it automatically went into voice-mail.

“Hey, it’s Cloud Kicker,” the mare’s voice spoke up from the phone, “Do your thing when you hear the beep.”

*Beep!*

“Listen you lousy twerp!” a childish voice exclaimed irritably. Upon immediate recognition, Cloud grimaced and bolted to cut off the speakers, but slipped on a piece of clothing left lying on the floor, landing beside the bed with a thud.

“I will not be treated like this! Either you call me, or you are going to be very, very sorry!”

A second later, it added in a sweet tone, “...I love you, Kicky-Pie!”

*Beep!*

“Cloud?” Her companion poked his head out the bathroom door with a frown, “Who was that?”

“Damn… telemarketers,” Cloud waved a hoof dismissively.

The stallion quirked an eyebrow, unconvinced. “A telemarketer that calls you ‘Kicky-Pie’?”

“Yeah,” she shrugged, her brain scrambled for an excuse, “I’m on some weird list…”

The stallion glared sternly, still not convinced.

“... Okay, it was another mare I went out with once and… she got a little clingy,” Cloud confessed with an apologetic shrug.

The stallion smirked in mock horror, “Oh, you are a bad, bad filly!”

“And yet, you’re always the one gettin’ spanked,” Cloud grinned in a goofy fashion.

The stallion simply shook his head with a chuckle and closed the bathroom door again.

Cloud straightened up and turned about to make her bed when the phone started ringing again.

“Ah dammit…”

“Hey, it’s Cloud Kicker. Do your thing when you hear the beep.”

*Beep!*

“Uh, Cloud, i-it’s Ditzy, uh... y-your sister.”

‘Nah,’ Cloud shook her head with a dismissive wave and trotted over to the vanity mirror mounted on the wall, inspecting her appearance in the reflection.

“No big deal, just wanted to touch base,” Ditzy’s voice sounded sad and dejected, “My-my husband threw me out, and I’m kind-of losing the will to live, so when you get a chance, I’d really love to… oh, I don’t know…”

Against her better judgement, Cloud sighed and picked up the phone. “Uh hey, Ditzy, I’m sorry to hear about that, uh…”

The bathroom door clicked open and Cloud’s companion sauntered out, now fully garbed in the sexy lingerie.

“So, where are you gonna go, a hotel, or… wow.” Cloud’s eyes widened at the sight of him, and she nearly lost her train of thought. Her wings unconsciously snapped to a full-mast position in an instant.

“Huh? Well, yeah, I-I guess you could... stay here,” Cloud struggled to hold her composure as the stallion strutted past, flicking the Pegasus’ nose with his tail.

“...Okay, I’ll see you when you get here.” She placed the phone down. “We better hurry.”

Both ponies hurriedly jumped onto the bed, eager to get started with what little time for peace and quiet they had left.

Just as Cloud moved to plant a kiss on the stallion’s snout, her ear twitched as the bedroom door clicked open, and a grey coated, blonde-maned faced poked in through the gap, balancing a mobile phone on one hoof.

She glanced over her shoulder with an agitated glare, and Ditzy’s slightly-askew gaze scrunched up into an apologetic grimace.

The room settled into an awkward silence, as Cloud’s companion glanced between between the two sisters incredulously.

“Oh, is he staying over?” Ditzy asked hesitantly, “‘Cause I may have parked behind him…”

“Twelve years, and he j-just throws me out!” Ditzy exclaimed, throwing up her hooves in a huff as she hovered around the spacious lounge room. “I mean, what was the point of our wedding vows?! ‘’Till Death do us part’! Who died?! Not me! Not him!”

Cloud was sitting on the couch, staring at Ditzy suspiciously. “... How did you get in my house?”

“Cloud, the 'key in the fake rock' trick only works if it’s amongst other rocks,” Ditzy muttered, “Not-not sitting on your welcome mat.”

“Excuse me, but if you put the fake rock in with a bunch of other rocks, then it becomes impossible to find when you’re drunk,” Cloud grumbled.

“Y-You know, I’m a good wife! I-I’m faithful!” Ditzy continued her rant.

“Is he?” Cloud suggested.

“Is he what?”

“Faithful!”

“D-Don’t be ridiculous! Flash doesn’t even like banging!” She fumed, “He kept going on and on, ‘I’m suffocating! I’m suffocating!’ H-Has anypony ever said that to you?”

“Well… yeah,” Cloud murmured, “But not a pony who doesn’t like banging.”

“And Dinky! This could just destroy Dinks!” Ditzy rubbed her temples.

“‘Dinks’?” Cloud asked, puzzled.

“My daughter,” Ditzy frowned.

“Oh, uh, well, teenagers are pretty sophisticated these days,” Cloud shrugged nonchalantly.

“She’s ten,” the wall-eyed mare said flatly.

Cloud’s companion appeared from the bedroom, grabbing his saddlebags as he bee-lined for the door. “Cloud, I’m gonna go.”

“Aw no…” She stood up to stop him.

“You two need to talk, I’m gonna call you tomorrow,” the stallion sighed, before glancing at Ditzy, “I’m sorry to hear about you and your husband.”

“Oh come on! You leaving isn’t gonna bring ‘em back together again!” Cloud pleaded desperately as he walked out the door.

She wheeled around and glared at her sister with an agitated expression.

“Look, this is just until things settle out, okay?” Ditzy assured her, “A couple of days, max. He’ll come to his senses.”

“Yeah. That’s what stallions do,” Cloud huffed sarcastically. She sighed and shook her head, “Uh, look; you can have the guest room, and I’ll grab a couple sheets.”

“No, that’s okay!” Ditzy said abruptly, “I… brought my own.”

Cloud quirked an eyebrow incredulously, “... You brought your own sheets?”

“... I like my sheets,” Ditzy defended indignantly, “They were made specially-ordered from Rarity, and they’re the only sheets I have with a muffin-pattern on them.”

Cloud shook her head and turned about for her bedroom, “... Okay then, good night.”

“No-no, wait, wait!” Ditzy blurted, “I-I mean, we hardly ever talk to each other!”

Cloud huffed impatiently, “... Whadda ya wanna talk about, Ditzy?”

“I dunno,” she shrugged, “Uh… oh! I was named ‘Mailmare of the Year’ by the Ponyville Mail Service!”

The elder sister rolled her eyes indifferently. “... Okay then, goodnight.”

“N-No, Cloud, w-what about you?” Ditzy asked, “Uh… what’s going on with you?”

“Well Ditzy, there’s not much to say,” Cloud shrugged, “I make a lotta money for doing very little work, I sleep with beautiful ponies who don’t ask about my feelings. I get to fly with the one-and-only Rainbow Dash, I live by the riverside, and sometimes in the middle of the day, for no reason at all, I like to make myself a big pitcher of margaritas and take a nap out on the sundeck.”

“... Huh,” Ditzy blinked flatly, “Okay then, good night Cloud.”

“Good night.”

The two mares went their separate ways, and disappeared into their respective rooms for the night.

Unbeknown to them, the silhouetted figure of an Earth Pony with a long, straight mane was watching them closely from the window.

In a soft breath, she murmured, “...Good night, Kicky-Pie.”

Cloud groaned, groggily shuffling about amongst her warm blankets, waking up to a splitting migraine.

Hesitantly, she opened her eyes, blinking to ease her sensitive pupils as they slowly began functioning again.

The first thing she noticed was a figure, standing right in front of her. After a few moments, she realised it was a filly. A Unicorn filly with a light-violet coat; bright, golden eyes brimming with curiosity; and an unkempt mane which was the same sandy-blonde as her mother’s. Wrapped around her neck was a red-and-black striped cotton scarf.

“... Boy. Is your eye red,” the filly blinked.

“You should see it from in here,” Cloud grumbled. “What’re you doin’ here, Dinks?”

“My dad brought me,” Dinky shrugged, “Will you take me swimming in the river?”

Cloud grit her teeth and gingerly sat up. “Can we talk about it after my head stops exploding?”

“Why is your head exploding?” Dinky tilted her head.

“Well, I drank a little too much wine last night,” Cloud waved a hoof dismissively, shuffling out of bed and across to the dressing drawers.

“If it makes you feel bad, why do you drink it?” Dinky asked.

“Nobody likes a wise-ass, Dinks,” Cloud muttered.

“You have to put a bit in the swear jar,” Dinky frowned, “You said ‘ass’.”

‘Oh Luna, not this crap!’ Cloud huffed in agitation.

Spotting a cluster of bit-notes on top of the drawers, she fumbled a note into Dinky’s hooves. “I tell ya what, here’s twenty. That should cover me until lunch.”

In the lounge room, Ditzy sat across from a dull-golden-coated Pegasus with an electric-blue mane.

“Now, what I think you need to do, is to make a list,” she said gently, “On one side, put what you don’t like about our marriage, and other side, out what you do.”

“Ditzy, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying,” Flash Sentry said flatly.

Ditzy blinked. “...Oookay, that would probably go on the don’t side…”

“... Why would I lie?! The river is closed today!” Cloud’s voice exclaimed as he walked out of his bedroom and down the stairs, followed closely by Dinky.

“For Celestia’s sake, Cloud!” Flash grimaced in disgust, “Do y’think you could put some clothes on?!”

“Look at me Flashy, I could barely make it down the stairs!” Cloud gestured to her scruffy, bed-head mane and the ungainly stumble in her step, “Besides, hardly anypony wears clothing at the best of times anyway.”

‘Typical Ponyville scum,’ Flash frowned.

‘Canterlot snob,’ Cloud huffed.

“Uh, Cloud? Could you and Dinks uh…” Ditzy gestured to the kitchen.

“Yeah, come on kid, we’ll go have breakfast out on the deck,” Cloud nodded, glancing back at the filly.

“But I’ve already had breakfast,” she murmured.

“Okay, we’ll have lunch.”

“But it’s not lunchtime.”

Cloud grunted irritably, throwing her hooves up in agitation. “Ka-pow!”

“That’s her head exploding,” Dinky nodded sagely, before following her auntie into the kitchen.

“Flash, I can change!” Ditzy pleaded anxiously, once they were out of earshot.

“Oh please, Ditzy,” Flash snorted bemusedly, “You are the most rigid, inflexible, obsessive, anal-retentive mare I’ve ever met! And you keep breaking all our stuff!”

“... ‘Rigid’ and ‘inflexible’?” Ditzy asked flatly, “Don’t you think that’s a little... redundant?”

“... My mom and dad are splitting up,” Dinky murmured sadly, as she sat on a wooden chair on the patio. Cloud Kicker sat on the other side of a small coffee table, sipping down a freshly-concocted margarita.

“Yeah, it looks that way,” Cloud sighed, “You’re lucky. When I was your age, I could only dream of my parents splitting up.”

“Your mom is my grandma,” said Dinky.

“Yep,” Cloud nodded.

“Grandma says you’re a bitter disappointment.”

Cloud frowned, but stopped herself from saying anything when she heard the door click open.

“Hey lil’ muffin!” Ditzy forced a smile, “Your dad wants to say good-bye.”

Dinky stood up and trotted back inside, leaving the two mares on the patio.

“Uh, listen, she doesn’t know anything about what’s going on, so let’s just keep this to ourselves,” Ditzy murmured, “Alright?”

“‘Keep this to ourselves’?” Cloud murmured worriedly, “Why is he saying goodbye to her?!”

“Oh uh, well, he’s going to be spending the weekend with his brother… in Las Pegasus,” Ditzy shuffled about, “So... we’ve decided that Dinky would stay with me.”

“With you?” Cloud quirked an eyebrow skeptically.

“Well, with us,” the wall-eyed mare quickly rephrased.

“... So, how’d she end up a Unicorn, anyway? You’re both Pegasi,” Cloud quirked an eyebrow.

“It’s because we both have Unicorn in our blood lines, and in a stroke of luck, her genetics matched up to give her a horn instead of wings. I’m pretty sure I’ve told you this story before,” Ditzy huffed, “It’s no different from the Cakes, both Earth Ponies, having a Pegasus and a Unicorn as their twins.”

“I’m hungry!” Dinky said abruptly, having wandered back outside.

“So, is this… gonna be a problem?” Ditzy asked hesitantly.

“...” Cloud stared blankly at the lilac filly next to her.

“...” Dinky’s muzzle sported a broad grin.

“... I guess not,” Cloud huffed with a frown.

“Thanks,” Ditzy bowed. “Oh-uh, hey listen, I gotta call the office. Would you mind making her lunch?”

Cloud shifted back towards Dinky, who was still smiling the same, toothy grin.

“... Alright, sure,” she sighed.

“Thanks!” Ditzy beamed, before trotting inside.

“What are you smiling about?” Cloud stood up, glancing flatly at the filly.

“You don’t have any food,” Dinky grinned.

“Yeah, but I’m not the one who’s hungry,” Cloud snorted, “Who’s smiling now, shorty?”

“You drink milk?” Cloud murmured, pushing the trolley through the refrigerated section at the supermarket.

“Just with cereal,” Dinky shrugged.

Cloud grabbed a random carton off the shelf and went to place it in the trolley.

“Not that milk,” Dinky stopped her, and pointed at a different carton slightly higher up. “That milk.”

Cloud frowned. “...What’s the difference?”

“That’s Dairy Farm,” Dinky said indignantly, “We drink Dairy Barn.”

“Fine,” Cloud’s eye twitched as she switched the cartons around. “Happy?”

“Why would I be happy?” Dinky asked innocently, “It’s just milk.”

“... Cute,” Cloud refrained herself from growling in agitation, “Keep it up, and you’ll be on one of the cartons!”

She pushed the trolley into the next aisle with a sigh.

“Okay, cereal!” Cloud gestured to the assorted items on the shelf, “We’ve got Lucky Charms, Cocoa Puffs, Frosted Flakes and Maple Loops.”

“I want Maple Loops!” Dinky grinned, before singing in a sweet voice,

“It’s got oats and corn and wheat!

It’s the sweetest breakfast treat!

It’s maple-maple-maaaaaaaaplicious!”

“You know who wrote that song?” Cloud smirked, “Your Auntie Cloud Kicker wrote that!”

“No lie?” Dinky raised an eyebrow.

“Kid, if I was gonna lie, I’d say I wrote ‘At The Gala’, not the Maple Loops song,” Cloud snorted.

Cloud suddenly turned her head as an Earth-Pony stallion pushing a trolley passed by them. She mentally wolf-whistled, admiring the view.

“You two are really good together,” He smiled.

“Thank you,” Cloud grinned.

“So, does your partner sing too?” He asked politely.

“Oh, n-no, I’m not married,” She shook her head.

“Oh,” the stallion almost seemed disappointed, and continued walking without a second glance. “What a shame.”

Cloud blinked incredulously, and turned towards the filly beside her. “... Wow. You’re even better than a dog.”

“Doctor Bloom? Yeah, my husband and I need to cancel our marriage counselling appointment for this afternoon…” Ditzy murmured sadly, holding the phone to her ear, “Yes, well, something… came up... Well… it’s-it’s kind of personal, I mean… Well yeah, I know the point of these things is to--”

A loud rapping on the window snapped her from her train of thought. She turned about and spotted a pink-coated, pink-maned Earth Pony mare standing on the patio, waving cheerfully.

“... I’ve gotta go,” Ditzy frowned worriedly, before placing the phone down.

She slowly turned and took a step towards the door. “Um… hello?”

“Is Cloud home?” the mare asked cheerfully.

“Uh, no, I-I’m Cloud’s sister,” Ditzy opened the door slightly, “Can I help you?”

“Oh hi Cloud’s sister! I’m Pinkie Pie!” She grinned broadly, glancing around erratically. “I’m… uh, Cloud’s housekeeper!”

“So… you’re a housekeeper?” Ditzy asked skeptically.

“Housekeeper-slash-actress-slash-party pony,” Pinkie shrugged, “I just do this to keep the wolf from the door.”

“Rawr!” she growled in a childish fashion. “You know what I mean?”

Ditzy blinked perplexedly, before hesitantly stepping aside, “... Uh, s-sure, come on in.”

The pink mare stepped towards the center of the room and took a deep breath, “Oh… yeah, I can smell her.”

The grey Pegasus flinched at her strange behaviour. “... Smell who?”

“Your sister. She has a very musky scent,” Pinkie murmured.

“... Uh-huh,” Ditzy frowned worriedly, “Yeah, that’s because she’s a mare, and every few weeks in our lives we… you know… go into heat from time-to-time. You do know that, right?”

“Of course, silly!” Pinkie grinned.

“Well uh… I’ll just uh... let you get to work,” Ditzy turned and walked towards the hallway.

“Wait!” Pinkie abruptly stepped into her personal space and all but shoved her muzzle into Ditzy’s chest, taking a deep whiff of her scent, which smelled slightly like the lavender-flavoured perfume she used.

Ditzy flinched awkwardly and took a step back.

“Oh… no, it’s okay,” Pinkie murmured apologetically, taking a step back.

“It’s got oats and corn and wheat!

It’s the sweetest breakfast treat!” Dinky sang as she waltzed into the kitchen, while Cloud carried several bags of groceries.

“It’s maple-maple-maaaaaaaapl--”

“Dinks, sweetie!” Cloud grit her teeth, “Take a break!”

“Hey, what took you so long?” Ditzy wandered into view from the lounge room.

“We stopped for ice cream because I’m a babe magnet,” Dinky grinned broadly.

Ditzy glared sternly at Cloud, who just shrugged sheepishly.

Sensing the awkward silence, Dinky darted out of the kitchen. “I’ve gotta use the bathroom!”

“Why do you assume she learnt that from me?” Cloud grinned.

“Because I learned it from you.” Ditzy growled.

Cloud just smiled and started unpacking the groceries. Taking a look around, she noticed the tidy condition of the kitchen.

“Hey, thanks for cleaning up, by the way.”

“Oh, it wasn’t me. Pinkie Pie was here,” Ditzy replied off-handedly.

Cloud’s face fell into a horrified stare. “Pinkie Pie? You let Pinkie Pie into my house?!”

“... She said she was your maid,” Ditzy protested.

Cloud grabbed at the doors of a nearby cabinet and pulled on them with all her might, but they failed to budge an inch.

“Ah hell, she glued the damn cabinets shut again!” she grumbled.

“‘Again’?” Ditzy raised an eyebrow. “You’ve got somepony to regularly come in and glue your cabinets?”

“You’ve met some of the whack jobs I’ve gone out with!” Cloud muttered, “It’s not that big of a stretch!”

“Oh, so this is my fault?!” Ditzy exclaimed.

“Who let her in?!” Cloud snarled, still trying to wrench the cabinets open.

“Oh, you are a deeply disturbed mare, you know that? Come on, come on, move it,” Ditzy shoved the mare aside and started pulling on the cabinet handles, propping her hind legs against the bench for leverage.

“Oh, I’m deeply disturbed? Who showed up in the middle of the night with her own sheets?!"

“Hey, at least I care about what I sleep on!” Ditzy defended bitterly, “Or should I say, who I sleep on!”

“Hey sis, outta the two of us, I’m the only one who’s slept with a married stallion recently,” Cloud muttered.

“And isn’t that something to brag about?” a new voice spoke up, in a sarcastic tone.

Both mares abruptly turned about, to see an elderly Unicorn with a similar grey coat colour to them, but with a short, orange, curly mane and tail.

“... Woah!” Ditzy suddenly tore the cabinet handles clean off, and she landed on the floor with a heavy thud.

Cloud just grinned and waved in a cheerfully sarcastic manner. “... Hi Mom!”

“Do you have any idea how hurtful it is to hear about your own daughter’s divorce on the street?!” the two Pegasus’ mother, Cumulus exclaimed anxiously.

“What divorce?” Ditzy frowned, “What street?!”

Cloud stared at her mother suspiciously. “... How did you get in my house?”

“You stay outta this! I’m here to help your sister through a very difficult time!” she snapped, before turning to Ditzy. “How could you do this to me?”

“Do what?” Ditzy asked incredulously.

“Now when I want to see my granddaughter, I’m going to have to make an appointment with Flash Sentry, who, let’s face it, was never very warm to me.”

“And what if there’s another mare there?” she pressed, “Shacking up with him? Have we even stopped to consider that?”

Ditzy blinked, staring off into space in thought.

“I think she’s considering it now, Mom,” Cloud remarked.

“Here’s your iced tea, Grandma!” Dinky smiled cheerfully, holding a glass of brown liquid in her magical telekinesis.

“Oh thank you, my little angel!” Cumulus smiled warmly, before stating, “Oh darling, I asked for a lemon wedge.”

Dinky’s smile faltered slightly as she turned back for the kitchen.

“Alright, here’s what you’re going to do,” Cumulus stated, “You and Dinky will come live with me. After all, I’m just rattling around in that big house all by myself.”

“Mom, that’s very considerate, but as soon as Flash and I work things out, I’m going to be back at my own house,” Ditzy nodded determinedly.

“Ugh sweetheart, grow up!” Cumulus snorted, rolling her eyes, “But seriously, think about what I said. You’re my daughter, and I’ll always have room for you at my house… and in my heart.”

“I-I love you too, Mom,” Ditzy nodded somberly.

Cumulus then turned about to Cloud, who was sitting in her armchair, smiling innocently.

“...”

“...”

“I love you too, Mom,” she grinned broadly.

“Too little, too late,” the elder mare smirked, shaking her head and walking towards the door.

“So… Las Pegasus was good?” Ditzy asked, sitting at the table across from Flash.

She had taken him to a nice little restaurant near the town square, dressed up in the nicest silver dress she could find, while Flash had opted with a simple, modest tuxedo hired from Rarity’s Boutique.

“It was fine, Ditzy,” He murmured, “I really wanna apologise for putting you through all this. I was wrong--"

“No, no, no need to apologise,” Ditzy grinned excitedly, “The main thing is that we’re here and we’re working through our marriage! Uh, you look great, by the way! It must be all the oxygen they pump into the… the casinos.”

“Ditzy--” He began, before she inadvertently cut him off.

“A-And you were right! I see now that time apart did us both a lot of good. I know I’ve grown! I’m not that… suffocating mare you threw out of the house four and a half days ago, let me tell ya that!”

“Ditzy--!” He frowned.

“And Dinky’s doing fine! And I know you were concerned about her being around my sister, but it turns out Cloudie’s great with kids!

“A’ight, last card, down and dirty,” a burly Earth-Pony stallion sporting golden-tinted sunglasses mumbled.

Half a dozen ponies of all sorts sat around Cloud’s kitchen table, absorbed in their poker game.

“King’s bet,” a Pegasus mare spoke up.

“One bit.” Another stallion nudged a chip towards the center of the table.

“I’m in.”

“I’ll see the bit…” Cloud narrowed her eyes, “...and raise it five.”

Dinky glanced over Cloud’s shoulder at her cards. “... You only raised five bits on that?”

“I call!” A pony abruptly threw his cards down.

“Call!” several others shouted in unison.

“... Queens!” Cloud chuckled, “Full of nines!”

The other ponies assembled groaned.

“Hey kid,” one of them stared at Dinky, “Don’tcha know what a Full House is?”

“Yeah, and I also know what a psych-out is,” Dinky grinned broadly.

“I love this filly!” Cloud giggled, bumping the filly’s hoof in a high-five.

“... And I think we’re gonna look back on this as-as a new beginning for our marriage! A rebirth, a renaissance, if you will,” Ditzy smiled.

Flash’s eye twitched, an exasperated expression on his face.

“Ditzy, I think I’m gay,” he suddenly blurted.

“And I… oh,” Ditzy’s face fell.

An awkward silence settled upon them.

“...”

“... Alright…” she nodded, “We’ll make a list. On one side we’ll put gay stuff…”

Flash facehoofed.

“I’ll see you…” the burly stallion narrowed his eyes into a glare, “...and raise you twenty!”

Cloud glanced worriedly over Dinky’s shoulder at the cards surrounded by her magical grip. Every other pony present were all standing around the table, having long bowed out of the round. “...I think he’s gotcha, pal.”

The filly raised her cards in front of her face and whispered into her auntie’s ear, “He’s bluffing. He always pulls his ear when he bluffs.”

“How about it, Mighty Mouse? You in?” the stallion smirked, absent-mindedly resting the side of his head against his hoof, ever-so-slightly stroking the side of his ear.

Cloud blinked, then grinned. “... Take him down.”

“Call you,” Dinky smirked.

“... I hate this foal!” the stallion snapped irritably, slapping his cards down on the table and abruptly standing up.

“... What the hell is going on here?!” another voice exclaimed angrily.

Everypony around the table turned about, to see Ditzy standing in the archway separating the kitchen from the living room, with a livid expression on her face. It looked slightly comical at the same time, since her eyes were looking in two different directions.

“... You said ‘hell’,” Dinky murmured.

“Throw a bit in the pot,” Cloud gestured.

“... What?” Ditzy frowned in puzzlement.

“Hey, we all had to,” a poker pony muttered morosely.

“Cloud, may I speak with you privately please?” Ditzy hissed through clenched teeth.

Cloud raised her arms and followed the irate mare out onto the deck.

“So who’s deal is it?” asked Dinky.

“Dinky, go to bed!!” Ditzy growled.

“I’m out!” the filly dropped her cards and was gone in a flash.

“What is wrong with you?! Are you insane?” Ditzy seethed, “Do you have any sense of right and wrong?!”

“Probably not, how was dinner?” Cloud asked nonchalantly, leaning on the patio railing.

“How could you put Dinky into a poker game with grown adults?!” the younger sister exclaimed.

“I obviously can’t be trusted!” Cloud shrugged cooly, “So… how was dinner?”

“I leave you alone with her for just a couple of hours--”

“I’m just gonna keep asking, Ditz,” Cloud said sternly.

“Dinner was swell!” Ditzy grinned sarcastically, “We both had the alfalfa picatta and he’s gay!”

“... Wow. Most Canterlot stallions won’t even touch alfalfa,” Cloud mused, finding a speck of dirt on her hoof very interesting.

“... Why do I even try talking with you?!” Ditzy’s eye twitched.

“Oh come on, I just need you to lighten up a little!” Cloud huffed.

“I don’t need to lighten up! The world I live in is dark! Dark and rainy!” Ditzy snarled, “And you’re useless in it!”

“Oh really? I wasn’t useless when you needed a place to stay!” Cloud muttered.

“Obviously that was a mistake,” Ditzy sneered, before briskly trotting past her and back inside.

“Are you sure?” Cloud called out after her, “Maybe we should make a list!”

“Auntie Cloud?” Dinky mumbled, wandering out into the lounge room, where Cloud was quietly tapping at the keys on her piano in the corner. A glance at the clock revealed the time to be around 10 PM.

“What’s goin’ on? Can’t sleep?” Cloud asked gently.

“No… my mom says we’re moving to Grandma’s tomorrow,” Dinky murmured.

“Yeah… that’d keep me up.” Cloud remarked dryly, “Well, if it makes you feel any better, you won eighty bits on that last hand!”

“Eighty-five,” Dinky corrected.

“Eighty. House gets a cut,” Cloud smirked.

“I wish my mom was as cool as you,” Dinky smiled broadly.

“Hey… don’t sell your mom short!” Cloud defended, “She loves you more than anything in the world! You know that, don’t you?”

“I guess,” Dinky shrugged. “How come you don’t have any foals?”

“... I dunno. Maybe because I love me more than anything else in the world,” Cloud grinned.

“Auntie Cloud?”

“Yeah?”

“... I don’t want to go to Grandma’s. I’d rather stay here,” the filly shuffled her hoof about on the floor.

“Yeah, well… your mom knows what’s best for you,” Cloud sighed.

“... Okay. Goodnight Auntie Cloud. I love you.”

Cloud’s eyes widened as the filly wrapped her arms around her in a tight hug. She struggled not to O-D on the enormous dose of sheer adorableness in the filly’s voice, combined with her cute appearance, which made for a lethal combination if weaponized.

“... Yeah… okay,” was all she could splutter.

‘I’m gonna get diabetes at this rate!’ she grimaced.

“You gotta love a kid like that,” Cloud crooned, “I played her ‘At the Gala’ and she still liked the Maple Loops song better.”

“Kickie, I haven’t seen you for two weeks, and you finally have the house back to yourself!” the stallion from a few weeks ago murmured flatly, raising his eyebrow, “Now, do you wanna talk about your niece, or do you wanna bang?”

“Oh, bang! Definitely bang!” Cloud nodded eagerly.

As the stallion gently guided her down onto the bed, Cloud opened her mouth to speak. “... Let me ask you something.”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever think about having foals?”

The stallion’s eyes widened in horror. “Whoa, Cloud! We’ve got a good thing going here! Can’t we just leave it at that?”

He abruptly stood up and briskly marched back into the bathroom.

“Wait, where are you going? I thought we were totally gonna bang!” Cloud asked in confusion.

“How am I supposed to bang you when your biological clock is going off?” The stallion exclaimed, “If you’re gonna go all heat phase on me..." He shuddered. "...that’s just not how I roll, sister!”

“Ugh,” she frowned bitterly, laying back on her bed, the romantic mood now ruined for good.

After a few moments, the phone on her bedside table started ringing. She left it to go into voicemail.

“Hey, it’s Cloud Kicker. Do your thing when you hear the beep.”

*Beep!*

“Hi Kicky-Pie! I was just thinking about you and… why we hurt each other so much…”

Cloud’s eyes widened, and she hurriedly reached over and picked it up.

“Pinks. It’s me, Kicky-Pie.”

“Cloud?”

“Yeah, hey, let me ask you a question. I-Is there something inherently wrong with asking a pony you’re involved with if they want foals?”

“Oh Cloud, we’ve got a good thing going!” Pinkie sounded disappointed, “Why would you wanna mess it up?”

The line abruptly went dead as Pinkie hung up.

Cloud just blinked incredulously, shaking her head.

“Look at you! All grown up and back living with Mom!” Cloud grinned, nudging Ditzy’s side as they wandered into Cumulus’ lounge area. The house itself was quite a large and expansive place, in the middle of the bustling city of Canterlot.

“How good do you feel about yourself right now? On a scale of one to… two?” She smirked wryly.

“I’m not back here living with Mom, I’m just… staying here until Flash and I work things out,” Ditzy rolled her eyes.

“So… one?” Cloud quirked an eyebrow.

“Whadda ya want, Cloud?” Ditzy asked flatly with a frown.

“Well, I’ve figured you’ve been here a couple weeks, so you’ve gotta have blood in your stool by now,” Cloud snarked. “... So I thought, if you and Dinks wanted to come back to my place for a while… that’d be okay.”

Ditzy’s ear twitched, and her face distorted into a skeptical frown. “W-wait a minute, are you saying you want me to come back and live with you?”

“Well, truthfully... no,” Cloud admitted, “I want Dinky to come back and live with me, but I figured you’re a packaged deal.”

“Thanks, but we’re doing just fine here with Mom,” Ditzy huffed, sitting down on the divan.

“Oh come on! We can’t just let Dinks be exposed to her on an ongoing basis!” Cloud hissed.

“There’s no ongoing basis, she’s only here on weekends,” Ditzy protested.

“That’s too much! Piranhas can strip an entire cow in an hour!” Cloud exclaimed. “Ditzy, we’ve got to get her away from her! I mean, look what happened to us!”

“And what happened to you?” Cumulus asked politely, standing off to the side.

Cloud’s shocked expression forced itself into a wry smile as she waved. “... Hi Mom!”

“Cloud Kicker, you’re a grown mare,” Cumulus tutted, “Perhaps it’s time to stop blaming your mother for your own shortcomings?”

She glanced down at her wall-eyed daughter.

“Ditzy, the divan is not for sitting,” she snapped, “Cloud, get off the couch.”

Both mares grimaced as they stood up straight.

“Auntie Cloud!” Dinky called out gleefully.

“Oh, there’s my good little filly!” Cumulus smiled, dragging the filly into a tight hug. “And what did I tell you about yelling in the house?”

Dinky’s face quickly started turning blue. “Grandma, I’m suffocating!”

“Sound familiar?” Cloud whispered triumphantly into her sister’s ear, as Ditzy watched in horror.

“... You’re right. This madness must end,” she whispered.

“Here… I gotcha your own key,” Cloud reached into her saddlebag and pulled out a small rock, made of plastic.

Ditzy grinned slightly, accepting the rock with her wing.

“I am not comfortable with this! I mean, maybe I should go wait in the car…” Ditzy murmured worriedly as she pushed the trolley through the shopping center.

“You’re not waiting in the car! Trust me, this is a great way to meet other ponies!” Cloud grinned.

“I don’t wanna meet other ponies, I’m still married!” Ditzy said flatly.

“Come on! Your husband’s out meeting other stallions, why shouldn’t you?!” Cloud urged.

“It’s got oats and corn and wheat!” Dinky sang, holding a cereal box in her magical grip,

It’s the sweetest breakfast treat!

It’s maple-maple-maaaaaaaaplicious!”

“Heh, your daughter is just adorable!” A passing stallion remarked.

“Oh, thank you,” Ditzy nodded politely.

“Heh, you and your…” he paused, glancing between the two mares, “... life partner must be so proud.”

He continued on without a second thought. Ditzy blinked in confusion.

Cloud abruptly facehoofed, shaking her head and taking over the trolley. “... You’re right. Go wait in the car.”

Ditzy opened her mouth to protest, but Cloud, Dinky and the trolley were already walking away. She sighed, muttering under her breath as she followed after them.

East on Sunset until you reach the Gates of Tartarus

Two and a Half Mares

A not-so-much-of-a-one-shot-anymore by StrayanPhoenix772

Cloud Kicker sat peacefully behind her piano, experimenting with different compositions and lyrics for a new jingle she was working on for a pesticide commercial.

“If you’ve got bugs…

If you’ve got ants…

If you’ve got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl…”

Her eyes lit up, and she quickly scribbled something down on a piece of paper. Her ear twitched as the front door opened up.

“We’re here!” Ditzy Doo called out cheerfully, carrying a cardboard box balanced across her wings, followed by her daughter Dinky on a scooter, and Flash Sentry, who was also carrying a box of miscellaneous objects.

“Dad, come see my room!” Dinky said eagerly, darting up the hallway.

“I’ll be right there, sweetie,” He called out to her retreating form.

“Hey Auntie Cloud!” Dinky smiled as she whizzed past.

“Hey shorty!” She replied with a wave, getting up from the piano.

“Hello Cloud Kicker,” Flash greeted curtly.

“Hello Flash. What’re you doing here?” she responded likewise.

“If you must know, I’m here to help Dinky set up her room so she feels like nothing’s changed,” Flash huffed.

“Really? You don’t think she’ll notice that her mom’s living here and her dad’s dating dudes?” Cloud quirked an eyebrow skeptically.

“Could you say that a little louder? Dinky might not have heard you.” Flash narrowed his eyes, “And just for the record, I’m not dating anypony, and I threw your sister out because she was sucking the life outta me.”

‘I bet that’s not all she sucked.’ Cloud snarked internally.

“... Could you say that a little louder?” Ditzy frowned, trotting out to grab another box.

“Auntie Cloud hasn’t met Porky yet!” Dinky raced back out of the hallway and outside.

“... Who’s that?” Cloud asked.

“Porky’s her pet guinea pig,” Ditzy explained off-handedly.

“... You’re bringing vermin into my house?!” Cloud whined.

Dinky waltzed back inside, levitating a large cage. Inside was a large brown guinea pig, which stared vacantly off into space, along with a water- and a food dispenser. “Auntie Cloud, check him out! Isn’t he awesome?”

Cloud suppressed herself from snorting in disgust. “... Yeah.”

“See those little black things? That’s his poop.” Dinky giggled.

“... Awesome,” She nodded with a fake, slightly patronising smile.

“I don’t want her in the water this weekend, she might have an ear infection,” Flash stated.

“Aw Dad…”

“Oh no, it’s okay muffin! We can uh… we can go to Disneyland or something! We’ll have a great weekend!” Ditzy smiled brightly, “We can play miniature golf, we can go bowling, flying… whatever you want!”

“Ditzy, relax. You’re starting to sound like a vibrator commercial,” Cloud snarked.

Flash shook his head exasperatedly, “Dinky, why don’t you go put Porky in your room?”

“Okay!” the filly was gone in an instant.

“Ditzy, I’m very concerned. She’s just a foal. I don’t know if she can deal with this,” Flash murmured worriedly.

“Oh, give your daughter some credit! She’s an incredible kid!” Cloud grinned.

“I was talking about you,” Flash glared at her flatly, before following his daughter into the hallway.

Cloud shrugged. “... That’s fair.”

“Yeah,” Ditzy nodded.

Ditzy was sitting down at the computer desk, busy alternating between writing down notes on a piece of paper, and eating a tub of yoghurt with a spoon.

Out of the corner of her eye, she spotted movement, and she turned about to see Pinkie Pie standing directly outside the glass door on the patio, smiling brightly. Ditzy gave her a tentative wave, and Pinkie waved back cheerfully.

“... Cloud? The strange mare from down the road is back!” Ditzy said aloud in a slightly-concerned tone.

“Oh, yeah. She’s here to foal-sit,” Cloud nodded, walking down the stairs from her bedroom.

Ditzy blinked. “Come again?”

“I thought we’d go out and have a drink,” Cloud gestured.

She stared flatly at her sister. “... You want me to leave my daughter with the whack-job who’s been stalking you since your one-night stand?”

“Hey, you try to find a foal-sitter on a Friday night!” Cloud retorted.

“It-It’s okay Ditzy! Cloud and I talked, and I understand that we’re just friends,” Pinkie explained gently, “And that it is not okay for me to sneak into her house and lick all the silverware!”

Her eyes widened in realisation, and she glanced in horror at the spoon she had been using.

“... As reassuring as that sounds, we can’t go out tonight,” she collected herself, clearing her throat, “We’re getting up early to go to Disneyland!”

Cloud frowned skeptically. “... ‘We’?”

“Yeah. I thought maybe you’d wanna come with us,” Ditzy gestured.

“Ditzy, I’m not thrilled about having one small rodent in my house!” Cloud muttered, “Why would I fly fifty miles to see their kingdom?!”

Pinkie raised her hoof gleefully. “Oh, I’ll go! I’ll go!”

“Eh, maybe some other time, Pinkie,” Cloud shook her head, “It turns out we’re not gonna need a foal-sitter tonight.”

“Okie-dokie-lokie,” Pinkie shrugged indifferently. She glanced down at the wooden seat beside her. “I’m gonna take this seat cushion, okay?”

Cloud shrugged. “... Knock yourself out.”

“Why does she want your seat cushion?” Ditzy frowned worriedly, as Pinkie swiped the green cushion from the seat and disappeared from sight.

“I don’t know why she brought it, nor do I know why she’s taking it,” Cloud muttered. She turned and started walking towards the door. “Okay then, I’ll see you later.”

“Wait, you’re still going out?” Ditzy blinked.

“Yeah, why?”

“I… thought you wanted us to spend some time together?” She shuffled about.

“Here?” Cloud looked skeptical.

“Mm!” She nodded.

“Okay,” Cloud turned and sat down on the sofa, while Ditzy sat down on the armchair.

Both sisters stared at each other in awkward silence.

“...”

“...”

“... What’re you thinking? Ten, fifteen minutes?” Cloud murmured.

“Go,” Ditzy sighed instantly.

“Thanks,” Cloud got up and bolted for the door.

Cloud murmured something incoherent as she came round from her slumber, as Celestia’s morning sun filtered in through the drapes.

Upon opening her eyes, she frowned at the guinea pig surrounded by a light-yellow aura, hovering just inches from her face.

“... Good morning Auntie Cloud!” Dinky giggled in an adorable high-pitched voice.

“... Morning Porky,” Cloud mumbled.

“Did you have sweet dreams?”

“Dinks, rule number one: Auntie Cloud does not like to start her day with a squealing creature in her face,” Cloud rubbed her eyes.

“Sorry,” Dinky dropped the accent, “Grandma’s here. She wants you to come down.”

“... Okay, you’re not listening,” Cloud frowned, “Rule number one…”

Cumulus sat at the kitchen table with several documents in her magical grip, while Ditzy shuffled about making a cup of coffee.

“This is a list of the top divorce attorneys in Canterlot,” Cumulus explained, “I’ve made appointments for you with each of them.”

“Mom, I don’t need to meet any attorneys!” Ditzy whined, “I’m not getting a divorce!”

“I’m sure you don’t think so,” she smirked wryly, “The point is, if you consult with all the good lawyers, it’s a conflict of interest for them to represent Flash! He’ll be stuck with some ambulance-chasing clown from Hoofington who’ll fold like an origami swan!”

“I-I don’t want this to be--” Ditzy spluttered.

“Mommy busted her hump on this, Ditzy,” Cumulus snapped sternly, levitating the documents towards her.

“... Thank you?” Ditzy hesitantly accepted them.

“Morning,” Cloud wandered into the kitchen and opened up the fridge.

“... Is that all you have to say for yourself?” Cumulus frowned. “You haven’t returned any of my calls this week! It’s all I can do to not imagine you lying dead in a ditch, somewhere!”

“... Right back atcha, Mom,” Cloud muttered, grabbing a juice box, “What did you wanna talk about?”

“Too late. I’m not speaking to you,” the Unicorn huffed.

“All right,” Cloud shrugged indifferently and sat down.

“Would you like to know why?” Cumulus quirked an eyebrow.

“No, I trust your judgement,” Cloud shook her head.

“Because, when your sister’s marriage ended...” Cumulus paused, sensing Ditzy’s incoming protest, “Yes, I know Ditzy, bla bla bla!”

“… And she chose to move in here,” she continued, “Your coldness towards your mother became more than just the behaviour of an ungrateful daughter! It’s now an obstacle to my spending quality time with my beloved granddaughter!”

As Dinky waltzed into the kitchen, Cumulus reached out with a hoof to bar her path and drag her into a hug.

“Are you comin’ to Disneyland with us, Grandma?” Dinky asked cheerfully.

“Oh darling, Grandma doesn’t do Aneighhiem!” Cumulus shook her head.

Ditzy finished up her coffee and started heading for the door, “Well uh, we better get going! Try to beat the queues! Thanks for dropping by, Mom. Come on, let’s go Dinks. Race ya to the car!”

“Bye Grandma! Bye Auntie Cloud!” Dinky dashed after her.

“Bye!” Cumulus waved. She then stared at Cloud, who was finishing up her juice box.

“...”

“...”

Cloud abruptly stood up. “... Wait for me! I’m goin’!”

Cumulus shook her head exasperatedly. ‘Of course.’

[Twelve Hours Later]

Cloud and Dinky wearily dragged themselves through the front door, wearing ridiculous pirate hats on their heads and carrying large show bags of miscellaneous stuff. Clearly, they had the mutual agreement that Disneyland wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be.

Ditzy, however, had extra spring in her step, carrying an ‘invisible dog’ leash in her teeth.

“Come on boy, come on boy! Heel! Heel! Heel! Now, stay! Stay!” she cooed, “Oh who’s a good dog? Who’s a good dog?”

Both Dinky and Cloud glanced at each other and shook their heads.

“Hey Dinks, you wanna take him?” Ditzy offered her the leash.

“Yeah, whatever. Come on, leash,” the filly muttered, dragging it along the ground behind her as she wandered down the hallway.

“Get ready for bed!” Ditzy called after her, “I’ll be right in to tuck you in!”

Cloud slumped down on the sofa with an irritated huff. “‘Happiest place in Equestria’ my ass.”

“I had a good time,” Ditzy shrugged.

“Oh really?” Cloud narrowed her eyes, “Which part did you like best? The equatorial heat, the endless lines, or the large Stalliongrad mare who threw up on me in the Teacup?!”

“Okay, okay. Maybe… things could have gone smoother,” Ditzy admitted, before adding optimistically, “But tomorrow’s gonna make up for it!”

“Ditzy, you could get us all laid tomorrow, and it’s not gonna make up for it!” Cloud grumbled.

“Hey sleepyhead! You’re just in time!” Dinky smiled, preparing breakfast. “Your pancakes are almost ready!”

“I’m not hungry,” Dinky mumbled.

“Not hungry? Come on, you gotta fuel up that engine!” Ditzy grinned gently, “Got a big day planned!”

“My ear hurts,” the filly moaned.

“Oh no… Let me feel…” Ditzy frowned in concern, placing a hoof against the filly’s forehead. She furrowed her brow in thought. “... Oh yeah, you’re a little warm. Prob’ly another ear infection. Umm…”

“Okay, okay! New plan!” She stooped down with a gentle tone, “We’ll uh… we’ll get you onto those antibiotics from Nurse Redheart, we’ll uh... watch a little TV, and uh… play some video games! We’ll still have a great day!”

“I wanna go home,” Dinky whined.

Ditzy’s smile twitched. “You uh… you are home.”

“I know, but the real one, with Dad.”

“... Um…” Her smile disappeared. “... Okay, uh… I understand that. You know uh… when a filly’s feelin’ sick, she uh… she needs her dad, huh Cloud?”

“Well…” Cloud stammered, “... I may not be the one to ask…”

“Okay uh… I’ll call your dad and tell him we’re on our way…” Ditzy forced her smile this time as she wandered out to find the phone.

“Alright, it’s just you and me now,” Cloud muttered, leaning down, “Are you really sick, or are you just faking it to get out of another fun-filled afternoon?”

“I’m really sick!” Dinky protested.

“Just checking,” Cloud straightened up. “Because I was gonna fake it.”

Cloud sat at her piano again, resuming her work on the pesticide jingle.

“If your home is bug-infested,

filled with spiders, flies, or gnats,

all our sprays are safety-tested,

we kill vermin, not your cats.”

The front door clicked open, and Ditzy stepped in, closing it behind her.

“Hey! How’s the jingle coming?” She asked.

“The lyrics are fine, the music… needs a little work.” Cloud shrugged. “How’s Dinks?”

“Oh, she’ll be okay. I stayed over at the house a little while…” Ditzy gestured, “We watched some movies, I made us some soup and a couple of muffins, and Flash suggested I take mine to-go.”

“‘Suggested’?” Cloud quirked an eyebrow.

“Well, he shoved it in my saddlebag and shoved me out the door,” Ditzy rephrased with a sigh.

“That’s rough,” Cloud murmured.

“Nah,” Ditzy shook her head sadly.

“Uh, listen, uh… I’m afraid I’ve got some... more bad news for you…” Cloud stood up, gesturing towards the cage on the coffee table.

“Oh no! I forgot to bring Porky back!” Ditzy facehoofed.

“See, that’s the thing.” Cloud murmured, “... Nothin’s bringing Porky back.”

“... What?” Ditzy blinked, horrified, “P-Porky’s dead?”

Cloud shrugged apologetically. “‘Bu-dee, bu-dee, bu-dee! That’s all folks!’”

“Oh Sweet Celestia!” Ditzy whimpered, trembling as she picked up the cage off the table. “... Oh Sweet Celestia!”

“It’s okay! We… we can get Dinks another guinea pig!” Cloud offered.

“Dinks’ll be fine!” Ditzy shivered, “This is her fourth Porky in three years! She goes through ‘em faster than shoes! Fluttershy will probably have my head if we go back asking for another one!”

“No-no, this is about my life!” She shook her head, sniffling loudly as she sat down on the sofa. “Everything’s going to Tartarus!”

“Okay, I-I-I… don’t cry! We can still be friends!” Cloud stuttered anxiously.

Ditzy wiped her eye with the back of her arm, before glancing at her with a slightly puzzled expression. “... What?”

“I’m sorry, it’s the only thing I know to say when somepony cries around here,” Cloud shrugged apologetically.

“I am so sorry Porky!” Ditzy sobbed, “You just kept running around in yer little cage, tryin’ to make ev’rypony happy, and whadda ya get? You get dead!”

“You do know the pig can’t hear you, right?” Cloud murmured.

“Don’t you get it?!” Ditzy screamed, “I am the pig!!”

“Okay, okay!” Cloud reeled back at the outburst, “I-I-I’m just asking, because your-your reaction doesn’t seem very healthy to me!”

“And what do you think would be healthy, Cloud?!” Ditzy grit her teeth.

“I dunno.” Cloud shrugged. “... Why don’t we toss Porky in the river and go get bombed down at Berry’s?”

“... How could you?!” Ditzy shrieked, horrified, “How could you?!”

After a few moments, she nodded numbly, “... Okay.”

Berry Punch’s Bar was bustling with activity, as ponies from all walks of life mingled around drinking, chatting merrily, and playing billiards at the pool table. Ditzy and Cloud perched themselves at the bar, contently sipping their drinks.

“... Toss him in the river,” Ditzy muttered morosely, “Very clever.”

“Who knew sea ponies eat guinea pigs?” Cloud blinked.

An Earth Pony waitress strolled up to a large bell mounted on the wall and tugged at the cord, causing the bell to emit a loud ding.

All at once, nearly everypony in the bar all barked like dogs, before each taking a shot of tequila from small glasses.

“What’s happening?” Ditzy glanced around warily.

“Sunday’s Tequila Night at Berry’s,” Cloud explained, grimacing slightly as the burning liquid tore down her throat. “Every time the bell rings, you gotta take a shot.”

Ditzy frowned. “... Why?”

“‘Cause the bell rings,” Cloud gestured.

“Oh.” Ditzy shrugged, “Okay.”

She raised the glass to her mouth.

“You gotta bark first,” Cloud interjected.

Ditzy blinked, before emitting a half-hearted “Woof”, and draining the glass in a single swig. She nearly gagged at the bitter taste. Cloud glanced across at a barkeep and gestured for two more drinks.

“Cloud…” She mumbled, staring vacantly at the glass, “When my daughter looked at me, and told me that she wanted to go ‘home’... that broke my heart.”

“I saw,” Cloud nodded.

“You know, my foal is sick, and… I can’t even be with her,” Ditzy whined, “You-you know, I’m a failure, Cloud! I’m a failure as a mother, I’m a failure as a wife…”

“First of all, you didn’t fail!” Cloud lay a hoof across her shoulders reassuringly, “That little filly loves you! And second of all, just because your husband decides he doesn’t like banging mares, doesn’t mean you’ve failed as a wife! Although, I wouldn’t brag about it...”

“You’re right! You’re right! This is Flash’s fault!” Ditzy growled, “He’s the one who-who breached our marriage contract asunder! And-and-and I let him make decisions that should have been my dominion!”

“Ditzy, ponies are gonna do whatever they’re gonna do in this world,” Cloud muttered, “The only thing a mare can control is her own actions!”

*Ding!*

“Whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!” Everypony suddenly barked and chugged down another shot.

“I can’t remember where we left our car,” Cloud mumbled as the two sisters piled into a taxi, “And I don’t exactly wanna be caught flying home like this.”

Ditzy glanced around warily, buzzed from all the alcohol she had consumed. “... This isn’t our car?”

“Where to, ladies?” The driver, an Earth Pony stallion wearing a flat cap, asked politely.

“Home!” they both chorused.

“And that would be…?”

“Shetland Oaks!” Ditzy bellowed.

“... We don’t live in Shetland Oaks!” Cloud frowned.

“I do! I am a Shetland Oaksian, and-and I am going home for as to reclaim... my home!” Ditzy scrunched up her face.

“Oh… that’s a very bad idea!” Cloud chuckled, shaking her head, “I’ll tell ya what’s a good idea: Chilli cheese fries and a large root beer! … With chilli cheese fries!”

She paused, before adding as an afterthought, “... and ponies!”

“No!” Ditzy shook her head stubbornly, “I am going home to my husband... to impose my dominion over ‘im!”

“Oh yeah! The colt-cuddlers love that!” Cloud snarked.

“Driver!” Ditzy exclaimed, “Shetland Oaks!”

The cabbie nodded and started accelerating.

“1167 Bonnie Meadow Drive,” the cabbie reiterated the address as he pulled the taxi up outside the house.

“Goodbye Cloud,” Ditzy mumbled, “I’ll be back for my things tomorrow.”

She then leaned across and patted the cabbie’s shoulder, “Thank you driver. You’ve been most kind.”

She stumbled out of the taxi and towards the front door.

“So, back to Ponyville?” The cabbie glanced over his shoulder.

“No, let’s give it a second…” Cloud shook her head with a wry smile.

After a few moments, she squinted as she spoke up again, “Did you know… they put chocolate pudding in tubes now?”

“No…” The cabbie murmured, “No I did not.”

“They do. My niece eats them,” Cloud grinned, “They’re surprisingly good.”

“You know, that’s an interesting sibling-dynamic you’ve got going with yer sister there,” the cabbie observed.

Cloud furrowed her brow, “... You get that I’m loaded, right?”

There was suddenly a frantic tapping on the window, as Ditzy hurriedly clambered back into the taxi, shouting “Drive, drive, drive!”

The cabbie planted the accelerator to the floor, and the taxi sped off.

“So…” Cloud smiled like a cheshire cat, “How’d it go?”

“He-he chased me outta the house with-with a golf club,” Ditzy muttered.

“... Huh,” Cloud mused,“Taking up golf already. What was it, like a six-iron…?”

“What difference does it make?!” Ditzy exclaimed.

“I just want to be able to tell the story accurately,” Cloud defended.

Ditzy just shook her head with a bitter smile, and out of the blue, both sisters started giggling.

“Ha! Ha… it’s not not funny,” She said with a semi-straight face.

“Then why are you laughing?” Cloud giggled.

“Ha! … ‘Cause I dunno what else to do!” Ditzy’s bitter smile returned, “... I wish I could ask Dad for advice.”

“... You’d go to Dad for marriage counselling?!” Cloud asked incredulously, “Ditzy, our father committed suicide to get away from our mother!”

“What are you talking about? Dad didn’t commit suicide, he died of food poisoning!” Ditzy frowned.

“I maintain that he knew fish wasn’t gonna be good for him, but he kept eating it anyway!” Cloud said indignantly.

“Yer mother sounds like a real piece o’ work,” The cabbie murmured.

“Oh pfft!” Ditzy snorted.

“You have no idea, my friend!” Cloud smirked, wrapping Ditzy up in a tight hug, “My mother took my baby sister and dipped her in sissy sauce, and turned her into the pony-pleasing control freak you see today!”

“That’s right!” Ditzy nodded, “And-and she made her so scared of intimacy, that-that she just has this endless stream of gorgeous ponies running in and out of her life.”

“Damn her!” Cloud grit her teeth.

“You know, many psychologists agree that until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most ponies are doomed to repeat dysfunctional foalhood patterns,” The cabbie murmured.

Cloud frowned. “Just drive the cab, Doctor Phil!”

“You know what, Cloud?” Ditzy pointed with a hoof, “He’s not wrong! At some point, we have to stand up to her!”

“Oh, well look who’s got beer muscles all of a sudden!” Cloud snarked.

“No no, I’m serious! Come on, right now!” Ditzy gestured, “L-Let’s confront her, right now! You with me? Come on!”

Cloud shook her head, and shifted her gaze out the window next to her.

“... Sweet Celes-- oh Sweet Celestia!” Ditzy gasped, “I-I can’t believe it! You really are afraid of Mom!”

“I am not,” Cloud pouted indignantly.

“Ha! All these years, I thought you were so cool, but you’re just a big, clucking chicken!” She poked her.

“... Ouch.” The cabbie muttered.

“‘Ouch’?” Cloud blinked irritably, “Okay, okay, that’s it! We have a new destination! Center of Canterlot!”

“You got an address?” asked the cabbie.

Cloud gestured with a hoof, “Just… go east on Sunset until you reach the Gates of Tartarus.”

“... She’ll buzz us in,” Ditzy added with a nod.

Both sisters chuckled darkly as they approached the front door to Cumulus’ house.

“I can’t wait to see her face!” Cloud muttered.

“Oh, she’s gonna freak!” Ditzy grinned.

Cloud glanced aside, “You ready?”

“Ring the bell! Ring the bell!” Ditzy urged hurriedly.

Cloud reached up and pressed a button on a console in the wall, triggering the bell to go off inside.

Out of habit, they both barked softly. “Whoo-whoo-whoo…”

After a few moments, they blinked and glanced at each other in confusion.

A grumpy voice spoke up over the intercom. “Who is it?”

“It’s your daughters!” Cloud growled.

“Cloud and Ditzy!” The latter added.

After a few moments, an outdoor camera overhead started whirring about to face them.

They both stared into the camera with goofy grins and waved. “Hi Mom!”

“Oh dear Luna. Hold on, I’ll be right there…” Cumulus grumbled.

“Okay uh, what exactly are we gonna say to her?” Ditzy asked hesitantly.

“Now you ask?! This was your safari!” Cloud exclaimed.

“Well, we’re here to resolve the core maternal... thing.” Ditzy furrowed her brow. Her eyes lit up and she turned about. “Wait! I’ll go ask the cabbie!”

Cloud quickly bit down on her tail with her teeth, and dragging her back to the door. “Nice try.”

They glanced around warily as the outdoor light switched on and the front door opened up, revealing a dishevelled and rather agitated Cumulus, dressed in a pink bathrobe.

“Somepony better be dead,” she growled.

“... Porky’s dead!” Ditzy suddenly exclaimed.

“And you completely screwed up our lives!” Cloud added, pointing accusingly at the Unicorn.

Cumulus blinked and shook her head incredulously. “... I’m sorry?!”

“Well, that’s good enough for me!” Cloud said hurriedly, snapping her wings open and taking off.

“Yeah, I’m good!” Ditzy quickly agreed, following close behind.

Both sisters scrambled back to the waiting taxi, shouting “Drive, drive, drive!”, leaving a puzzled and perplexed Cumulus standing at her doorstep. After a few moments, she shook her head and went back inside.

Cloud and Ditzy sat basking in the morning sun on the patio deck chairs, surrounded by at least a dozen empty beer bottles. Pinkie Pie sat on her haunches inbetween them, staring expectantly at Cloud.

“Good morning sunshine.” She whispered gently, as Cloud’s ear twitched.

“Oh Celestia, close the drapes!” Cloud moaned, raising her arm in front of her eyes to block out the piercing sunlight.

“Hey, what’s this?” Pinkie glanced down at the floor and picked up a piece of paper, with a bit-note attached with a paper clip. “‘Release and indemnification form’,” she read aloud.

“What?” Cloud frowned.

“Were you on some kind of television show last night?” asked Pinkie.

“I don’t think so..."

“Well, you and your sister signed it,” the pink party-mare offered her the slip of paper.

“Lemme see that…” She swiped it and took a quick look at it. Her eyes widened.

“Ditzy,” she said anxiously.

“Ditzy!” She repeated, lightly tapping the sleeping mare from her slumber, “Wake up!”

“Huh?” Ditzy blinked, glancing around warily. She frowned at the sight of all the beer bottles.

“We got a problem.” Cloud passed her the piece of paper.

“... 'TaxiCab Confessions'?” Ditzy read aloud, furrowing her brow, “What…?”

A video clip from the camcorder in the taxi showed Cloud leaned into the cabbie’s ear, singing the jingle she was working on, while Ditzy was passed out beside her, snoring softly.

“If you’ve got bugs…” Cloud sang slightly off-key in a drunken slur.

“If you’ve got ants…

If you’ve got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl…”

She grinned expectantly, “Eh?”

“Ain’t that Beethoven?” The cabbie murmured.

Cloud raised a hoof to her mouth. “Shhh…”

Another clip showed Ditzy, now awake again, muttering aloud to anypony who was listening. “I don’t… I don’t even know how my husband is gonna be a colt-cuddler! He hates oral sex! Hates it!”

The End