The Cuddle Bandit Begins

by little big pony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Other, Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance
Length: 7120

The Snuggle Bandit spreads his brand of banditry in Canterlot Castle

Celestia thought that the next two weeks were going to be a nice get together with her niece and her sister, no irritating nobles, no magical end of the world nonsense, and most importantly, no Blueblood.

She did NOT expect a weird creature calling itself the Cuddle Bandit harassing her. Now Luna's in love and Cadence can't stop laughing.

.... Why can't her vacations ever be normal?

Thanks to Tstyson, MasterFrasca99, Astrocity, and Procket12 for all of the stuff they did.

A watchmen-ish silly fic by a silly, silly author. If your looking for a story with a plot or one that is well-written then read this one.

And nope, I'm not being sarcastic....

No, really...

Published 2013-10-14 13:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-14 13:50:02 UTC

The Snuggling Starts

Warning:

Story contains cuddling, snuggling, and silliness. It is not for everyone.

Side Effects include the giggles, da-heck-did-I-just-read?, and in some cases rare cases, the butthurt.

If you experience any of these symptoms contact your doctor ASAP.

Cuddle Bandits Journal.

October 8, 746:

Garbage bag in the alley this morning, its plastic membrane burst by the uncaring hooves of the populace. This city does not yet know me; it does not yet fear me as it should. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of hatred and when the drains finally scab all over the vermin its drowning ponies, these cold-hearted, cuddleless nobles will look up and shout, “save us!”

…and I’ll look down and whisper, “no”.

They had a choice, all of them. They could have cuddled a loved one or gotten a dog to sleep with at night, like decent ponies who believed that a hard day’s work should be followed by a hard night’s snuggle. Instead they shunned their loved ones, opting to lie on opposite sides of the bed, or even worse, slept in separate beds. Not realizing that their actions would bring men like me, men that will persecute the uncaring with our own special brand of justice.

Now, as I stand upon the rooftops with a full moon bathing me in its light, I can’t help but feel disgust as I look to the cancerous heart of this cesspool, Canterlot castle.

Even the thought of that walled place of heartlessness brings about an unbridled rage in my heart, a rage that magnifies when I think about the castles inhabitant, Princess Celestia.

She thinks that she’s above cuddle justice? She thinks that her high walls and fancy magics will save her when I come to remind her of her cuddleless sins and pass my judgment?

I will prove her wrong….

Princess Celestia trotted through the corridors of her castle whistling a merry tune. Her appearance, usually so majestic and noble that you couldn’t help but bow to her, had taken on an almost giddy feel, a giant pinkie-like smile on her muzzle as she practically skipped through the halls.

Why was she in such a good mood you may have asked? Well it was simple; her favorite holiday of the year was coming up; Labor Day.

And why was this seemingly ordinary holiday so special for the white alicorn? You might also be asking yourself.

What is usually a day off for most ponies, thanks to a loophole in a long forgotten law, is much different for any of those that worked at the castle.

Instead of one measly day off, every cook, maid, and noble that worked on the grounds had two weeks of paid vacation that they were forced to use, leaving the castle almost completely empty.

So, instead of having to deal with bothersome nobles or going through mountains of usually meaningless paperwork, Celestia and her sister Luna were given a vacation of sorts, one which the two royals enjoyed to the fullest extent.

“Hello dearest sister!” Celestia heard somepony shout, making her ears ring.

Shaking her head, the princess turned toward the shouter, her sister, Princess Luna, who was trotting merrily toward her. “Volume, Luna, volume,” she said gently.

Looking up at her big sister with a sheepish grin, Luna replied, “We apologize dearest sister, we are just excited for our future merriment on the morrow.”

Giving Luna a reassuring nuzzle, Celestia replied, “It’s fine, Lulu, I’m as excited as you.” The two started down the hall. “All we need to do is go get Cadence and Shining Armor at the train station.”

The princess of the night frowned at that. “We do not understand why that stallion has to join our merriment sister,” she said as the older sibling chuckled.

“It won’t be that bad…”

“This is a mares get-to-together only Tia! We demand that you tell Cadence to keep her husband in the Crystal Empire! He should be in the kitchen like all good husbands.”

“Now, Luna, we can’t-”

“AUNTIE!”

The two princesses stopped their little banter to scowl as they heard the pompous, irritating voice. Returning her face to its usual serene calm, Celestia looked at her still frowning sister. “Lulu, you be nice.”

Luna let out a growl when she caught sight of her least favorite nephew trotting over to them with his usual air of princely arrogance. “Tell me again why we cannot execute that wretched stallion?”, she growled as Celestia suppressed a chuckle.

“Because he is our nephew and it would be wrong.”

Luna snorted. “We would be doing the citizens of Equestria a favor. Could we at least order a ferocious paddling for Blueblood, dearest sister?”

As prince Blueblood came within arms-length of his aunts he couldn’t help but gawk as Celestia let out a very unladylike snort of amusement. “No, you may not Luna.”

“…We will take your advice under consideration sister.”

“Luna its not-” Rolling her eyes and beating down the urge to facehoof Celestia turned toward Blueblood, giving him her best fake smile. “Good afternoon Blueblood, what can I do for you?”

Regaining his composure the spoiled prince looked up to his aunt and let out an undignified sniff. “Auntie, I demand to know why I am being forced out of the castle along with the common filth.”

Because every time I hear your voice I die a little on the inside. Celestia thought to herself before telling the stallion her well-rehearsed lie. “Blueblood, as I have told you many times before, the Labor Day law prohibits anypony except Luna, the guards, and myself from staying at the castle for the next two weeks.”

Blueblood stomped his hoof in anger. “But auntiiie!” the prince whined, “Why is that commoner Shining Armor coming to the castle then?”

Luna, tired of being ignored, started toward Blueblood, an angry snarl on her face. “FIEND!” she roared, causing the prince to back up in fright, “How dare thee question your betters! A thousand years ago thine head would have been placed upon a spike for such insolence!”

She didn’t take another step before the now terrified Blueblood bolted, an angry Luna ready to pursuit before being caught in her older sister’s magic. “Temper, Luna, temper,” Celestia said with no small amount of amusement as she watched Blueblood crash into a wall before retreating down the corner.

Flailing around in her sisters grasp the night princess roared after the prince. “Run you cur! If we find thee on the castle grounds when the sun goes down you will know why we were called Nightmare moon!”

After letting her Luna have her little fit, Celestia let the panting mare back down onto the ground humming as she did so. “Well, it looks like you’ve made the fuss Blueblood has every year that much shorter.” She told a now smirking Luna.

“That colt did look amusingly terrified.”

Celestia nodded. “He did at that. Now come Luna, we have to greet Cadence and Shining when they get to the train station.” Nudging her head down the corridor Celestia and Luna started down the labyrinth of halls that was their castle until they were at the gates.

“Should we acquire some guards to join us sister?” Luna asked, not seeing Celestia’s grin.

“No, Luna, I think we can leave the castle undetected.”

Luna groaned as her sister rubbed her hooves together manically. “Nay sister, let us just-”

“Come on Luna! We never use our disguises!” Celestia whined, skipping in place. “Besides, I worked on mine the other day and I can guarantee you that this one is without a doubt my best one yet!”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Fine sister, let’s see this amazing disguise.”

Ignoring the sarcasm directed at her the alicorn charged her horn, channeling the same amount of magic that it took her to raise her sun. “And here. We. GO!”

Poof!

“Is that smoke screen really necessary, Tia?” A giggle could be heard in said smoke screen as a resigned Luna looked on.

“Come on, Lulu, where’s your sense of theatrics?”

“Could you please stop your nonsense so we can greet our niece and her husband?”

“Just let me build up the suspense for a little while longer.” Luna responded by dispelling the little smoke cloud with a flap of her wings to reveal the disguised smiling alicorn in all her glory.

“So, what do you think, Luna? Was I right or was I right?”

Luna felt her eye twitch as she looked upon her sister, who was now wearing a pair of glasses with a fake nose attached to it and a sombrero to cover up her horn. At least she remembered to cover up her horn this time. Luna thought as she started off toward the train station, now ignoring her sister, who was trotting merrily beside her.

Luckily for the silly sun princess Luna, as a sort of lazy birthday present, had passed law the Tia’s-a-silly-filly-that-loves-disguises-edict, the law stating that whenever the pony’s beloved sun princess had the brilliant idea to disguise herself that they had to pretend they didn’t know who she was.

So as the two went about their merry way common pony and noble alike ignored them, some shaking their heads in amusement, some taking pictures that they would show to their grandfillies, showing them that even the goddess of the sun can act like a dunderhead on occasion.

“Luna,” Celestia none too slyly whispered in her sister’s general direction. “Why are you walking around so willy-nilly? I told you that I wanted us to go incognito!”

Not bothering to look in her sister’s direction, Luna sighed before answering, “While you were proceeding with your nonsense we cloaked ourself in shadow so we are all but invisible to the mortal eye.”

“It would have been better if you dressed up in that little dog outfit that I got you!”

Luna felt her face heat up before stomping a hoof down so hard that the pavement cracked, “That outfit was ridiculous and demeaning! We will not dress up as somepony’s pet for your shenanigans!”

The sun monarch couldn’t help but smirk as they came within sight of the Canterlot train station. “You wouldn’t dress up when I ask you to but you’ll dress up whenever you go to your Dungeons and Dragons get-to-together’s?”

“TIA!”

….

Two Hours later…

It had been over thirty minutes since the train was supposed to arrive and the princesses, bored out of their minds, chose to entertain themselves accordingly. Luna, ever the traditionalists, chose to angrily pace back and forth on the waiting platform. Celestia chose to live a little dangerously, talking a poor random stranger’s ear off, a poor diamond dog named Rover.

“And so I said to her-” Celestia said, both her and the diamond dog sitting on a bench.

Whimpering and silently praying to the Gem gods for a merciful ending, Rover tried to scoot away from the giant annoying pony, who just scooted over with him.

“-And that’s why you should never leave home without a carton of apple juice. Rover, I must say that you are quite the listener, it reminds me of the time-”

Rover was saved by the bell, as it were by a train’s whistle blowing loudly, the train coming not a few moments after. Looking up at the diamond dog, Celestia smiled, “Well, it’s been lovely chatting with you, Rover dear, but it looks like I have to pick up my niece now.” Patting his thigh the alicorn started for the train, her invisible sister following as Rover sighed in relief.

“Rover’s too old for this pony nonsense,” the mutt muttered, not noticing a rather large shadowy being behind him, stroking its chin thoughtfully.

“Hurm… All of the eggs in same basket, plan starts tonight…”

…

After their initial greetings, the three princesses and Shining Armor made their way back to the castle, Cadence sighing in relief. “Finally! Now we can just spend the next two weeks relaxing.”

Shining couldn’t help but grin at his wife before looking back at his saddle bags, which clinked from the overflow of coins they held. What was two weeks of ‘relaxation’ for the princesses was something else entirely for the guards, two weeks of sweet, sweet gambling on what disaster that the alicorns were going to cause.

Shining, though he didn’t look it, was a master of this game, the unicorn being able to predict with uncanny accuracy what was going to happen.

Nopony in their right minds would bet that the castle would be overrun by banana men, right? Or that twerking zombies would appear from a botched conjuration spell, but the young captain did with impunity, and, incredibly, he was always right.

Giving his wife and aunt’s a thin excuse to leave their company the captain trotted toward the heart of this gambling enterprise, the barracks.

Slamming open the barrack doors Shining couldn’t help but smirk as all talk died down to awe-struck whispers as he moved toward the bookie, purposefully taking out his bits and slamming them down on the table.

“Two thousand bits the princesses are going to be harassed by a superhero,” he said, smirking as the room erupted with snickers.

The bookie, not batting an eyelash, said, “You know you have to be more specific, Cap.”

“A silly one,” Shining said simply, turning and heading toward the exit. “a super, super silly one.”

Cuddle Bandits Journal.

October 9, 746:

The castle grounds too easy to enter, guards need to keep patrols random. It’s midnight and weeks of planning and preparation have reached a head as I stare down upon the sleeping form of the one that I will be breaking these two quiet weeks.

Can’t help but feel something that I haven’t felt in a long time, giddiness. From Manehattan to Appleoosa to Las Pegasus I’ve tried to find the head of this world’s snuggle problem; thinking this heinous crime was the work of some sinister gang or group that longed to drown this world in hate. Never did I expect that it would be the so-called noble and good Princess Celestia.

It’s like they say, absolute power corrupts absolutely. I will enjoy hearing her pleas…

Morning…

Ring! Ring!

Celestia woke, keeping her eyes closed while internally groaning. Unfortunately, she couldn’t take a vacation from raising her sun. “Five more minutes,” the princess muttered, nuzzling her warm, giant pillow….

Wait a second, I don’t have a giant pillow! She thought with panic, her eyes snapping open to stare face-to-face at strange, masked creature, who looked down at her.

“Hurm,” It said in a cold emotionless voice. “You’re awake.”

“AWWWWW!”

10 minutes later…

After a fitful amount of screaming and calling the guards, which alerted her fellow alicorns, the odd looking creature was captured without a fight, leaving the three mares to ask the question that was on everypony’s minds.

“Who the heck are you and what were you doing snuggling our sister?” Luna asked as Cadence , along with almost everypony in the room, struggled to suppress her laughter.

And what was so funny?

The creature before them was actually quite threatening to look at. A bipedal being who, even on its knees with it hands behind its back, looked quite large, like a crossbreed between a diamond dog and a minotaur.

While that alone was more scary than funny its appearance was the start of the hilarity. For some odd reason this creature, whatever he was was anyponies guess, was dressed like a second rate cartoon superhero. Sure, the tan dress pants, the black dress shoes, hat, and trench coat was actually quite threatening when coupled with the creature’s rather large frame, but what ruined it was its mask.

Covering the creatures head entirely and fitting its head like a glove, the latex mask had the image of what looked to be the face of a rather upset teddy bear, which contrasted with the white mask but looked oddly right with his hat.

Other than its rather funny appearance, the creature looked quite at ease with having its hands behind its back while having spears pointed at it.

“Hurm.” Was all it said, causing a shaken Celestia to raise an eyebrow.

“Hurm? What the hay is that?” The diarch shook her head, “Never mind that for a second and- Cadence will you stop laughing for Pete’s sake?”

Cadence, who was biting on her hoof hard to keep herself from giggling, managed to get out, “B-but, l-look at t-that mask and his n-name. Hehe.”

Rolling her eyes she turned back to the masked creature, frowning when she noticed that it was still wearing a mask. “Why is that thing still wearing a mask?”

Clearing his throat, Shining answered, “The Cuddle Bandit asked that we keep it on, and, since he gave up without a fight, we decided to let him keep it.”

“The Cuddle Bandit?” The three princesses sputtered, Cadence then falling over laughing as everypony in the room started to giggle.

The ‘Cuddle Bandit’ as he was now named finally spoke, its voice as cold as Celestia remembered it, “Thank you for that, Captain, do not like having my face taking away from me”

“Don’t mention it. You know, I think your getup actually looks pretty neat, you kinda look like- ”

“Shining, shut up and… just shut up,” Celestia said, dragging her hoof down her face. “So what were you doing breaking into my room creature?” she demanded of the Cuddle Bandit, who, even though she couldn’t see his face, she could of sworn was raising an eyebrow at her.

“Been all over Equestria trying to solve your lands cuddle problem, didn’t realize problem was with the leader, you.”

As Celestia sputtered at the silly accusation, Cadence stopped her laughter to stare at the Cuddle Bandit wide-eyed. “O sweet Faust, he’s going into monologue. This is so adorable that I can’t stand it!” She uttered, turning toward a starry-eyed Luna. “What do you think Lu-na?”

“Such stature, such conviction, such a forceful being,” She turned toward her now amused night guards. “Look dear guards and niece, the creature even uses the image of a bear to frighten his enemies. Truly my eyes have never seen such a worthy hero. We must have him…” she finished with a whisper as the Cuddle Bandit began the ending of his heroic monologue.

“I am the Cuddle in the darkness, I am what those like you, those who hate snuggles, fear. Will enjoy breaking you,” the creature finished, Celestia sitting on her haunches so she wouldn’t fall over from flabbergastedness.

“So let me get this straight, you,” She pointed at him, “Are some kind of superhero-”

“Prefer vigilante.”

“Vigilante that calls himself the Cuddle Bandit and you go around cuddling ponies that you deem too uncuddly.”

“Right on the money at the moment.”

Ignoring him the princess continued, “So you’re here right now because you think I need to cuddle somepony more and you wouldn’t leave until I do so?”

The vigilante gave her a single nod. “About sums it up.”

Nodding thoughtfully, Celestia gestured toward her guards. “Good, now my guards are going to very carefully throw your crazy flank out of my castle. Guards take him-”

“Will not leave until you are broken,” the Cuddle Bandit interrupted, shrugging out of his bindings and standing to his full height. “You shouldn’t put hands behind someone’s back; you can’t see what they’re doing.”

With an exasperated sigh Celestia said, “Guards, could you please get this thing out of here so I can enjoy my vacation.”

Two burly stallions walked forward the hero, who with a flick of his wrists produced two small teddy bears, Cadence happily squeeing. “He uses teddy bears as weapons?! Shiny, look! He’s going to use teddy bears as weapons!”

Shining, who was busy receiving bags of bits from a disgruntled bookie who was disgusted as a guard said, not able to keep the smugness out of his voice, “Yes dear.”

With a threat now presenting itself in the creature, though a silly one at that, every guard in the room charged the masked vigilante. The Cuddle Bandit, with a skill that few could hope to match, dodged each of the stallions while bringing his weapons to bare.

“Get it off, get it off!”

“Mah breadsticks!”

“They’re little arms are attached to my noggin!”

“The cuddles are everywhere!”

Celestia calmly watched the chaotic scene before turning first toward her laughing niece, then to her all but drooling sister, and finally to Shining Armor, who was happily counting his new acquired bits and ignoring the epic battle of silliness. Keep calm, just keep calm, just- Her calm serenity was broken when a teddy bear hit her in the face with a rather loud squeak.

“ENOUGH!” She roared, lifting the Cuddle Bandit into the air with her magic.

Walking over to him as slowly and threatenly as possible, she didn’t stop until she was nose-to-mask with him. “You said that you wouldn’t leave the castle?” She asked the still calm creature, who was cocking his head at her.

“Correct.”

“Fine!” She snarled, her horn glowing, “Then you can stay in the dungeons!” Unleashing her spell the Cuddle Bandit was gone, the angry alicorn now turning toward the guards, who were now slightly shaking in fear. “Go and put him in chains right. NOW. Cadence, Luna and I are going to have some fun even if it kills me!”

With a flick of her tail Celestia turned around and started to walk away, calling over her shoulder, “Cadence, please shake Luna out of the love struck look and you two follow me, we’re going to the pastry shop so I can get something to calm me down. Shining, you make sure those guards do their jobs,” With a final huff the princess walked out of the room, all but yelling, “Good day to you fillies and gentlecolts! I’ve had my fill of nonsense for today”

The dungeons, 15 minutes later…

“I’m really sorry about this Cuddle Bandit,” Shining said apologetically as he chained the vigilante to the wall to his cell.

“Hurm, doesn’t matter, you were just doing your job.” He answered, cracking his neck.

“So you really just go around cuddling ponies?”

The Cuddle Bandit shrugged in his chains. “Cuddling, snuggling, and glomping.”

“Why?”

Shining almost see the creatures smile behind its mask. “Everyone needs a little love; I set out to make sure that everyone gets and shares it,” The creature sated, causing Shining to smile.

“You sound like my wife.”

“She’s a smart mare then,” the Cuddle Bandit nudged his head toward the cell door. “You’d better go, go enjoy your vacation.”

Patting the vigilante on the side before walking toward the door, Shining said over his shoulder, “I’ll make sure that the princess lets you out in the morning. If you need anything just call the guards. Hey, if it isn’t too much trouble, what are you?”

“…Human, male. Why?”

“Just wondering, you take care.”

If Shining would have turned around he would have seen the teddy bear face one the creatures mask look far more sinister as he tested the chains strength with a flex of his arms. “You too….”

Canterlot dungeons, Midnight

“Shield, what are you doing?” Swift asked his fellow guard, who was staring into the cell of the creature they were guarding.

Without looking from the small slot where the guards could observe a prisoner safely, Shield answered, “That weird creatures just looking at me.”

“Are you sure, doesn’t it wear a mask? It could be just sleeping.”

Shield looked at the Cuddle Bandit thoughtfully, tapping a hoof to his chin. “You might be right… Come on, let’s go check.”

As Shield opened the cell door Swift tapped his friend on the shoulder, “You sure that’s a good idea? He might get out of those chains.”

Shield snorted. “What’s he gonna do, hit us with teddy bears?”

“Didn’t he hit you with one of those?”

“…Shut up.”

As the two guards entered the cell the Cuddle Bandit’s head snapped up.

Boom!

Both of the guards jumped as thunder erupted off in the distance, the room lighting up in an eerie glow. Not noticing his partners shaking, Swift looked thoughtfully out the small bared window that was in the small room. “Huh, I don’t remember there being a thunderstorm scheduled today…”

Cuddles… A shaking Shield heard in his mind. Embrace the cuddles, Shield… The stallion shook his head to try to dispel these odd thoughts but they persisted.

What’s going on?! Shield thought as his eyes rested on the Cuddle Bandit, who looked to be staring intently at him. “H-he’s in my mind,” he whispered, his panic increasing as Swift touched him.

“Shield, are you alright buddy? You’re shaking…” The cuddles, Shield, give into the cuddles. Swift watched in concern as Shield started to run around in circles. “The cuddles man! THE CUDDLES ARE IN THE TREES! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE MAN!”

“SHIELD! STOP FOR BUCK’S SAKE!”, Swift screamed, trying and failing to stop his friend.

The stallion suddenly stopped, Shield’s head slowly turned to stare at his friend with a crazed look in his eyes, causing Swift to slowly back away. “S-Shield?”

“SNUGGLES!!!” Shield roared, tackling his friend and squeezing the air out of him.

“Shield, c-can’t b-breathe,” Swift wheezed, his vision darkening as his consciousness was lost. Shield, his mind filled to the brim with cuddly thoughts, blacked out too, still straddling his partner.

Humming to himself, the Cuddle Bandit broke out of his restraints with a grunt, the chains shattering under the hero’s great strength. Rubbing his wrist he walked over to the two stallions to see if either were injured and finding only mild cuddling related injuries. “Hurm, looks like that pony lost his mind…Odd.” With a shrug he opened the open door and gently closed it, silently making his way through the castle.

“Now where’s princess’s room?” the vigilante muttered, trying to navigate the maze that was the castle, which wasn’t an easy task in the darkness. For what seemed like hours he searched, until he with another flash of light from the storm that was raging outside, he spotted the blazing sun insignia that signified this was the princess of the sun’s room. “There it is.”

If the masked hero would have looked closely at the insignia he would have seen that it was not actually Celestia’s rising sun at all, but a crudely drawn version that fell off as soon as the Cuddle Bandit closed it’s door, unknowingly entering a trap…

Mystery room…

With ninja-like stealth the Cuddle Bandit crept into the room and toward the bed, carefully moving so as not to make even a whisper of a sound. Too dark in this room; can’t see a thing. He thought as he felt around until he felt the edge of a bed. Now I just need to wait for my eyes to adjust…

With the patience lesser men would be in awe of, the Cuddle Bandit waited until he could make out a pony form under the blankets of the bed. There you are. He thought as he slid under the covers, taking off his hat and placing it on the nightstand that was next to the bed. With careful and measured scooching, he expertly crawled into the bed so he wouldn’t wake up its occupant until he was a hairsbreadth from the pony’s back.

Almost th- Faster than he could see the pony spun around and wrapped her hooves around him, spinning him around so his back was pressed up against her barrel. the Cuddle Bandit was so shocked that he didn’t even fight back as the pony wrapped her hooves around him and laid a wing over his body, rendering him unable to move.

“We have waited for thee Cuddle Bandit,” Luna whispered in the hero’s ear huskily. “Now thou are all ours~”

When the Cuddle Bandit felt the alicorn nip his ear his heart sank. This was the darker side of what he did. This was no average snuggle, nay, this was what people in the Cuddle Bandit’s business called a ‘struggle snuggle’.

“Hurm…” He muttered angrily as Luna nuzzled the nap of his neck. “Can’t get out of this can I?”

Luna giggled. “Nay, valiant hero, thou are ours for the night. Now we believe it is time for the snuggles to be doubled, don’t you agree?...”

Morning…

Once again Celestia woke before she was to raise the sun, but, unlike almost every time the surprisingly non-morning alicorn got up, she was happy to rise earily. Yesterday was one of the funniest days that she had had in years, other than-

“You cannot contain the snuggles.”

“Awwwww! Didn’t I throw you in a prison cell?!”

“Tia? Did you see our Cuddle Bandit?”

“Hurm.”

“There he is!”

“WILL BOTH OF YOU GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!!”

Cuddle Bandit’s Journal.

October 20, 764:

For a week and a half I have stalked the princess of the sun, tormenting her with my cuddly might. The night princess tried to lure me into her room.... again… Though I will forgive her for her actions, her heart is in the right place after all.

Gave her a big teddy bear to show her that there’s no hard feelings, gave the pink princess one too, need to ask Shining why she laughs whenever she sees me. I am a vigilante, not a clown for goodness sakes.

The castle seems a better place since I’ve gotten here, I can feel the hatred of this place losing its power. As I look around I see the guardsponies walking around as if weights were lifted off their shoulders, even they can see that I am helping.

Now they usually leave me alone, or, if their princess commands them to capture me, they do not attack me with the same energy as the first time that I made my presence known.

Two princesses embraced the cuddles wholeheartedly, that just leaves one final princess of the sun to deal with.

Celestia has tried dozens of different methods to try to repel me. Her disguise was quite good but it failed her, along with her magic and her traps. She believes that I am just another mortal, but she is wrong.

She still fails to realize that I have made myself into more than a man. A man can be defeated; a man can be crushed and forgotten. I have become more; I have become an idea, one that is noble and just, to bring happiness to all in the form of cuddles.

Soon Celestia will break.

Soon…

Luna trotted happily down the hall, levitating a giant furry teddy bear behind her. What a wonderful week we have had! The princess thought as she passed a group of guards. Our hero has spread his joy all throughout these halls! Now all that needs to be done is to bring him back to my bed… Luna soured at that thought, but just as quickly brightened back up. He had given her a teddy bear as a token of his love after all!

He has just been busy with his heroic deeds. We must wait patiently for him to come to us! She then stopped in the middle of the hallway to gleefully rub her hooves together. Then we might be able to acquire if we could join his nightly adventures! Our Batmare costume will not go to waste!

Getting back up and whistling a merry tune, the princess made her way to her sister’s room. Clearing her throat and tapping onto the door she called, “Tia, our niece has requested that we come and fetch thee for this days round of fun!... Sister?”

Silence greeted her as she continued to greet her as she called out her sister’s name until, after a minute or two, Luna’s patients finally snapped. “Tia, we are coming into your room!” she said as she all but slammed her sister’s door open, darkness greeting her.

“This isn’t the normal everyday darkness,” Luna muttered as she entered the pitch black room. “This is advanced darkness…Ti-” Luna froze as the door slammed behind her, the alicorn getting into a defensive stance, her horn charging with power.

“Come out cretin and face our might!” She roared, not able to keep the fear out of her voice as she slowly and carefully made her over way to the wall where she guessed the light switch was. “…Tia, is that thou in the shadows?” she asked as she switched on the lights, frowning at what she saw.

There, in the corner, was the white alicorn rocking back and forth. Luna strained to ears, hearing her sister quietly muttering, “No more cuddles, no more cuddles, no more cuddles…”

Rolling her eyes at her sister’s antics, Luna did what any responsible sibling would do. Walking over the lunar princess spun her sister around, grabbing her by her necklace and slapping her repeatedly. “Stop. Being. Crazy. Tia,” she said between strikes.

Seeing that it wasn’t working Luna huffed, leaving teleporting out of her sister’s room, leaving the now red-cheeked alicorn to continue her muttering.

“Hurm.”

Celestia froze, fear now overcoming craziness, her pupils dilating as she heard the voice that had now started to haunt her nightmares. Looking around she shouted out in panic, “No! Stay back! I don’t want any more cuddles!”

The Cuddle Bandit’s voice echoed throughout the room, coming from everywhere and nowhere, “The cuddles will not cease until you let them into your heart.”

Despite her growing terror the princess growled, scanning her room for the vigilante. “I don’t want to cuddle a pony for buck’s sake!”

The cold voice answered her, “You are the head figure that all ponies look up to, in you they see the best that your country. So what will they do if they know their monarch doesn’t snuggle?”

“Show yourself so I can blast your flank off!” The alicorn cried, her horn erupting with power, firing a beam of magic to destroy her wardrobe, where she thought where the creature was. The said furniture disintegrated, revealing nothing. “Where are you?!”

“Behind you.”

Celestia spun around, seeing the vigilante a few feet away from her, looking down at her with his arms crossed and a giant teddy bear at his side. It looked like the teddy bear face on the creatures mask smirked slightly. “Hurm.”

With a battle cry that would freeze the hearts of all but the most mighty foes, Celestia attacked the Cuddle Bandit, using every form of magic at disposal so be rid of her tormentor.

Calmly side-stepping everything she threw at him, the hero continued his speech, “It just isn’t your lack of cuddles that haunts you filly,” the Cuddle Bandit whipped out teddy bears, using the furry projectiles to intercept the angry princesses bolts of death.

“When was the last time you hugged someone that wasn’t your family?” another dodge, “’When was the last time you were nuzzled?”

Celestia felt her fear resurface along with slight embarrassment, “What I do in my spare time is my business, not yours!” She backed away, still firing her magic as her tormentor continued slowly toward her.

“O, but it is,” he replied as Celestia felt her rump hit the wall. Whimpering, she waited for her cuddly end.

An end that never came.

Putting a gloved hand under the princesses head and raising her head up so look at his masked face the vigilante said, in an almost gentle voice, “Don’t let the hate win.”

The princess looked up at him blinking, “What?”

“Holding someone is another form of love, one which you haven’t received in years.”

“...What are you talking about?...”

Spinning around and grabbing the giant stuffed bear the vigilante handed it to her. “Just think about it, you’ll understand.” He said, then walking out of the room, leaving a confused Celestia sitting on her haunches holding a big teddy bear.

“…That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard…” Celestia finally stated after a long moment of contemplation, tossing the bear across the room. “I nuzzle Twilight all-” A light bulb should have appeared above the princesses head from the incredible idea she received.

She couldn’t get rid of the irritating creature, but she knew six mares that could. Rubbing her hooves together and grinning madly, the princess said, “I think it’s time I got another statue for my gardens.”

She would have broken into evil laughter if it wasn’t for Luna, the younger alicorn teleporting into the room with a bucket of ice water. “We’ll fix thy craziness with this, Tia!”

“No, wait Lu-”

Splash!

The next day, the Kitchens.

“So my mask is the cause of your amusement?” The Cuddle Bandit asked as he sat down at the kitchen table with Cadence, Luna, and a fair number of guards.

Sipping her coffee, Cadence let out a giggle and nodded. “Yep, that teddy bear mask is adorable!”

“…It’s a bear. Supposed to frighten you.”

“We knew it!” Luna, who was sitting uncomfortably close to him, chimed in, her hoof raised in victory. -“The bear is a truly terrifying creature, you were quite right to pick it my hero.”

“Thank you, princess.”

“…Marry us.”

“What?”

“So, Cuddle Bandit, “ Cadence interrupted, hoping to avoid an awkward conversation. “You don’t look like any kind of creature I’ve ever seen. Are you from Equestria?”

With a lingering look at Luna the vigilante answered, “Not from here.”

Luna gently nuzzled the Cuddle Bandit’s side, a big smile on her face, “Will you tell us here you came from hero?” she asked.

Putting his hand on his chin in contemplation the hero hummed, thinking the request over. “Well, you see-”

Just then, to everypony’s dismay, a grinning Celestia trotted in, picking up the human with her magic. “Excuse me; I need to borrow this for a minute,” She said before the two of them left, leaving a group of confused ponies and a still grinning Cadence, who said, “I bet you all the bits in the world his origin story is super adorable…”

…

“Where are we going?” The Cuddle Bandit asked calmly as he floated behind a still smiling Celestia.

“O, I have a few ponies that want to talk to you,” The two continued in silence until the diarch said, “Why the hay are you even around right now? Don’t you prowl the rooftops at night or something silly like that?”

“Was invited for coffee, usually get bored in the mornings so decided to go.”

“So you just break into my castle-”

“Didn’t break in, been staying at castle.”

This caused Celestia to stop and turn around to look at him, a small frown on her face. “You’re living in one of the rooms?”

The vigilante shrugged, “Castle's big, lots of empty rooms.”

Shaking her head Celestia’s smile came back in full force. “It doesn’t matter, soon I won’t have to deal with you anymore! Here we are!”

Looking around the Cuddle Bandit noticed that they were in the gardens. “Why are we here?”

Ignoring him, Celestia looked around, trying to spy the ones that would save her from this annoyance. “Where are they, I told Twilight- There they are!” she squealed as she saw the elements enter the gardens, Twilight confidently leading the mares. Spying her teacher the purple unicorn looked at her friends nodding, the group galloping toward the giddy ruler.

“Princess, we came as soon as you sent your letter,” she said as Rainbow flew up in the air, a determined look on her face.

“So where’s the monster that we need to beat down?” she asked, boxing in the air and looking around for the ‘monster’.

A beaming Celestia threw the Cuddle Bandit at the groups feet. “There he is girls!” The girls looked down at the odd creature before them, each of them having a mixture of reactions.

Rainbow and Applejack started to laugh at the teddy bear masked hero, Fluttershy looked down at him concerned, Pinkie was excited for a new possible friend, Rarity gave a little squeal at the clothes-wearing hero, and Twilight just looked confused.

“Puff, hahaha! Look at how dumb that thing looks!”

“Darling, you must tell me where you got that outfit, it looks smashing!”

“I-Is he o-okay?”

“Ooooo he looks big! Do you think he likes big cakes?”

“Girls!” Twilight all but yelled in a commanding tone, the girls falling silent as the unicorn looked over the vigilante, who was slowly getting to his feet. “This is the threat to Equestria, Princess?” She asked the still smiling diarch, who happily nodded at her.

Rainbow snorted. “What is he doing? Cuddling ponies?”

Celestia looked up at the Pegasus, “How did you know?”

That gained her six shocked stares. “Seriously?”

“Yep, he hasn’t left-”

“STOP SISTER!” Luna yelled, galloping toward the group and tackling the vigilante back to the ground. “Elements, do not harm our beloved!”

“Luna get away from him for sun’s sake!” Celestia all but groaned as her sister hugged the human hard.

“Nay foal hag; thee would harm our Cuddle Bandit!”

“I’m not going to-”

“STOP!” Twilight roared, then clearing her throat as the princesses looked at her. “Um, Mr. Creature, could I speak to you for a second?” she asked the human.

Nodding, the hero untangled himself from the night princess and got back up, adjusting his hat and walking toward the unicorn, who extended a hoof toward him. “Hello, my name is Twilight Sparkle, who are you?”

…

Cadence and Shining Armor, who were watching the whole scene with utter amusement, couldn’t help but chuckle as the vigilante’s chest puffed out.

“Look Shiny, he’s going to monologue again!” Cadence turned toward her husband, giving him puppy dog eyes. “Can we get one like him?”

Shining blinked, “Cadence, he’s a sentient being, you can’t,” he sighed when he saw ‘the eyes’, “Yes dear…”

…

“Who am I?” The Cuddle Bandit said, seemly getting bigger. “I go by many names. I am the one who cuddles in the night, the cuddlier, he-who-must-cuddle. I am the one that those that hate fear. My goal is pure and I will not be stopped spreading my cuddly vengeance. I. am. The Cuddle Bandit!”

Pinkie, who had been oddly quiet, finally piped up, “This… This is the dumbest fan fic I’ve ever been apart of….”

She then erupted into a huge smile, “And I LOVE IT!”

The end?

God I hope so…

Author's Note

.

Point out any spell, grammar, dinosaur, etc errors because there is, I know it.