Seeking the Past (Through a Broken Spyglass)

It wasn’t easy to clear her head from the self-induced haze of Ditzy Doo-ness, wasn’t easy to pull herself out of her niche and stand back to survey her position in life impartially. Still, it was done, and she knew it was necessary, or else she wouldn’t have wanted to see herself for who she had once been, rather than who she was now. The Princesses had denied her their choice for her foal’s name; well. She would have to find something appropriate from her past, to… honour certain ponies.

This foal she was close to birthing would forever bear the social mark of having a ‘bovine’, placid, dull, clumsy dam; for she appeared to be so. While she wouldn’t let the child know her past, she decided upon teaching him or her all she knew… from the sidelines. Behind the scenes meddling and murmuring that would teach them everything she knew except… except the fighting. Everything, yes, except the combat, because here, he or she wouldn’t need combat expertise. Certainly they wouldn’t need it with the protection of the princesses, not with the warmth of having friends and family in a tight-knit community that would protect every pony within it. Oh, of course, there would be dangers, and the community was only a few steps away from being as aloof as Manehattan, for one, but the community was still close enough to band together in times of need, and the Elements of Harmony still resided in the town, and they if nopony else would protect every innocent in it.

Still, if she had done her job correctly, the only dangers she feared happening wouldn’t come to be, and unlike her current occupation, Ditzy… well, not Ditzy at the time… but she hadn’t been careless before. The only question was if she hadn’t been careful enough.

Shaking her head and snorting in a very un-Ditzy-like way, the mare rolled her eyes and stared into the closest mirror to chastise herself for such worrywart behaviour. Yes, she’d needed to have a clear, un-Ditzy-like mindset for a while, but she hadn’t needed the resurfacing of old doubts.

“Now,” she murmured, “Where did I put that old… aha.”

Pushing aside a mostly-empty bookshelf with no little effort, she gazed at the wooden flooring and wrinkled her nose in disgust. “My, my, I need to dust this place,” she murmured, swiping a feather (still attached) through the dust to examine it further.

Lifting a loose board out of the flooring, she revealed a cache of weapons and items best forgotten in this sleepy town, fought while she was on ‘vacation’, and, ignoring them, pulled out a couple of pony-tags from an old saddle, bags attached. They were from a small civil war that had happened a few seasons back a long way away, hardly heard of in a place like Equestria. Imprinted on them was the name Cloud Rider, a name that resonated in her in a way that shook her and, on a second set, Onyx Comet, a name from ages past, belonging to a hard-working, lost filly she could no longer unearth from her closet… call it a skeleton, call it what you will, it was a forgotten truth that she shouldn’t have just gone looking for. Unfortunately it was something she had needed to know… needed to remember.

There were more pony-tags in the pouch, from an old squad way back when, but as she shook loose the set that clung to Cloud Rider’s, she felt regret and doubt creep up behind her.  With a sigh, she laid her trophy back in the saddlebags, sealing away the memory again. Replacing the board and shoving the bookcase back took a lot out of her. In fact, she felt such weariness in her bones she had to go lay down for a while. Her weakness was, quite possibly, because of the energy it took to move around while pregnant… but it might have been the way the name she’d unearthed echoed in her dusty house.

Cloud Rider.

“Oh, what a gorgeous foal you’ve birthed, Doo,” one of the nurses cooed at her and the baby alike. The swaddled foal was placed in her arms tenderly by way of magic, that the foal might know its mothers touch first.

“Yes, what a darling colt you’ve got there! So handsome and adorable, he’ll grow up to be so charming, I can tell.”

Ditzy smiled at them blushingly, holding her colt awkwardly but proudly. “Thanks,” she breathed, nuzzling him gently. She was so tired, but it wasn’t something that would keep her from doing this, or staying awake. She’d been far more tired before, when…

“Do you have a name?” one of the nurses asked.

“Yes. Cloud R—Cloud Foam.” Not Rider, she thought quickly. Not Rider.

“Clouder Foam? It’s a nice name,” said the nurse, Lavender Dream, or something like that. She sounded a bit apprehensive, as it was a bit of an odd name, but it seemed to fit with Ditzy’s individual... Ditzy-ness. When Ditzy corrected the nurse, it caused a deep blush of embarrassment and the mare was quick to apologize.

‘You’ll never have my Bubbles, my weapons, nor my heritage,’ Ditzy thought to her newborn, ‘But you will have more than just my Ditzy legacy, I promise you.’

It was with surprising precision and gentleness that she positioned her colt to feed him for the first time, allowing him to feed from the hidden teats she, like all mares, had. It allowed for a much closer bond, and she didn’t like the smell of formula anyway.

It was a few weeks before she allowed anyone to see her foal. She wanted to ensure that everything was twice as carefully hidden to ensure her dear little one could grow up without the house changing and stop him from ever finding her secrets… until she was ready for him to. After all, there would be a time when he’d need to know about her, even if he’d never need the knowledge… she hoped.

“His name is Cloud Foam,” Ditzy announced proudly to the Mane Six. Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie (of course), Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy had all agreed to come, although some more reluctantly than others. There were no others as of yet because Princess Twilight had hoped for some privacy, knowing that it was a newborn that might get overwhelmed by too many people and having little time to spend with Ditzy and Foam.

“That’s an, err, lovely name!” Twilight announced in what she hoped was a congratulatory tone.

“Oh, can I see him? Can I can I can I??” Pinkie Pie exclaimed excitedly, and the other mares seemed to agree with that sentiment.

Ditzy painstakingly unwrapped his swaddling blankets to reveal a colt with a coat much like hers, although the fuzzy hair starting to come in on his head was a decidedly lavender shade. It was hard to think of any stallions with red or purple or even blue manes in Ponyville that were a suitable candidate for Foam’s father.

“Oooh, he has the cutest-y…. wutest-y?... little nose!” Rarity exclaimed, magically retrieving a little gem-colored (thankfully not gem-studded) rattle from her saddlebag and laid it on top of the blankets covering Foam’s lap. She seemed rather taken with him, really, and Ditzy was happy about that, but a part of her vehemently accused her of just wanting another customer… or guinea pig. Sure enough, Rarity eventually mentioned something about toddler outfits.

“He seems very quiet and gentle,” Fluttershy murmured. “I’d be happy to help if you ever need a babysitter.”

Ditzy wasn’t sure how to respond to the yellow pegasus’ offer, but she didn’t have to. All the positive comments seemed to be annoying Rainbow Dash, as she blew her mane out of her eyes and crossed her forelegs across her chest as she announced she had somewhere to be.

“What? Oh come on, Dashie, you’ve gotta stay!” Pinkie Pie quickly left after her, likely to convince her to come back; Fluttershy apologized, but she ‘really needed’ to check on Angel before now, or something.

One by one, they trickled out… except Twilight, who stepped closer to Ditzy and extended one wing to gently lay the tip on Ditzy’s shoulder.

“I know about Celestia and Luna, how they helped you, I mean. I just wanted to know… is it true about your eyes?”

Smiling, she focused as hard as she could, and willed her eyes to ‘go back to normal for a moment’. Her eyes shifted to a less cat-eye-in-the-dark golden color and straightened themselves out; the effect was lost when Twilight (almost instantly) gasped and broke the concentration it required.

“Wow! It must have taken such advanced and interesting magic, especially for the recipient to be able to temporarily disable it and for it to be permanent otherwise. I’d ask to study it, but… well, that’d be rude, and you do deserve your privacy. I may not know the full story but… if Celestia and Luna trust you, so do I. Your past is your past... whatever it is. I guess what I’m saying is, good luck, for you and Foam both.”

“Thank you, Princess Twilight. Rest assured I shan’t forget your kindness either,” Ditzy said as clearly as she could, forsaking the nasal and trying to recall how she had once formed words with the enunciation of a noblemare.

Twilight gazed at her in shock after hearing the suddenly clear, educated voice of the mare Ditzy still didn’t like remembering as herself; then, Ditzy laughed her little half-laugh to break the silence.

“A-anyway, Twibright, you should probably head back to your library, huh? Or Canterlot. It’s busy, and I think Foamy here has a dirty diaper.”

“R… right,” Twilight replied, wondering if she had imagined the clumsy Ditzy speaking like… almost like Rarity, or Cadence, or something, very clear and very educated-sounding. She left Ditzy, but her mind didn’t, and slowly but surely she began to think that she really ought to find out what Ditzy’s past really was.  Then again, it wasn’t her story to pry into, and Celestia and Luna both vouched for her. That should be enough, shouldn’t it?

In her house, Not-Quite-Ditzy stilled a moment, a curious feeling coming over her; it had been so long since she had last felt true fear and suspicion. Laying Foam in his bassinet, she crept to a window and peeked out, blunt herbivore molars bared against whatever threat might be out there, and…

Nothing peeked back at her. She was alone. Lowering hackles she hadn’t realized she’d raised, she sighed in relief and headed over to tend to Cloud Foam’s diaper, slowly slipping out of the crystal-clear, sharpened mind of her past and back into Ditzy.  She’d been her past self too often, and it was slowly but surely drawing her fears to her.

“You’ll never have me, or my son,” she whispered as she slowly forgot her past, allowing herself to become dazed and smiling down at Foam.

“I may be stupid now,” Ditzy told Foam, “But it’s not the kind of stupid the ponies want to think it is. It’s an act, love, an act I’ll keep up forever. You’ll never know the Cloud side of me. It’s for the best, really,” she assured him.

Now, if only it were clear who she were trying to convince.