Memories, Thoughts, Feelings
Love...what a wonderful thing. Yet, sometimes...it is painful. Why does it feel so good...yet hurt so much? Why does it fills my heart...then shatters it? Leaving me with nothing...nothing at all. Life now holds no meaning for me.
I should be accustomed to it, shouldn't I? Having lived for thousands of years, having loved hundreds of ponies. But somehow, this time...I can't help but keep thinking about it. The love we once shared, the moments we experienced together...
They are still so fresh in my mind, lingering so tantalizingly close. Every night, when I dream, I think of them. I can see, hear, smell, even taste them. But I cannot touch them. It only serves to torture me, to remind me. I may never feel her beside me again. Never will I have a comforting shoulder to lean on, a smile to look forward to. A sweet voice to soothe my nerves.
Maybe I had took our love for granted, blinding myself to the truth. That we would last forever, locked in an eternal embrace of love. The painful truth that she would leave me someday. And I tossed it away into the dark, empty corners of my mind, ignoring the fact, foolishly, yet blissfully, forgetting that Twilight would one day leave my side.
My mind feels like exploding right now. Every time I think of something, Twilight is always there...laughing happily at me, smiling at me so innocently. But when I try to grasp her with my mind, she always disappears. Just like a fleeting memory...everyday, her face becomes harder to remember...
I am truly afraid that I might one day forget how she looks like.
And a nagging question keeps buzzing in my head, refusing to dissipate, engulfing every part of my mind. And it makes me sick, just to think of it.
Did I ever...regret loving Twilight?
It has been a year since Twilight died. It was such a horrible experience...my heart was torn to shreds. You can never imagine how painful it is, to cradle your loved one as he or she died in your hands. Her dying breath, her frail body...it was the inevitable, wasn't it? So why do I still feel this hole in my heart? The unmendable tear in my heart, the place that once held Twilight dearly. Empty. Desolate.
Twilight...why? Why did you have to leave me behind to suffer?
I loved you too deeply...when you died, Twilight, I felt a piece of my heart dying with you. You took it away unwillingly along with you. I know you never meant to hurt me...it wasn't your fault. It never was.
My heart is still broken. And it can never be repaired.
Never.
-Celestia
Celestia was in her bedroom, lying on her bed, inebriated as she took another gulp of the foul liquid inside the bottle. It didn't taste great. In fact, it was vile and disgusting...but it took away all her troubles. So she continued drinking, the liquid washing away all her troubles, all her pain, leaving behind an empty husk devoid of emotion. It was so addictive, she could not stop herself from greedily emptying the bottle.
A knock on the door momentarily brought her back into reality, and Celestia looked at the door with concentration, as if it would open with the sheer power of her mind. The door did not budge. Celestia grumbled, but made no attempt to open the door. She was so tired...so, so tired. She laid down on her bed, hoping that anypony outside would think that she was asleep. But it wasn't her lucky day.
"I know you're not asleep, Tia...what's wrong?" The unmistakable voice of Luna rang out.
Celestia groaned. This was definitely not one of her lucky days. Still, she made no effort to reply Luna in any way, praying on the slim chance that Luna might think she was asleep.
The door opened, and Luna stepped inside with worry on her face, with soon transformed into shock.
"Tia...what...what happened?" Luna asked, her eyes widening in disbelief.
Celestia was lying on her bed in an un-ladylike manner, her body sprawled face up over the bed. Her left foreleg was still holding on to a bottle of wine, and even more half-finished wine bottles were strewn all over the bed and even the floor.
"Leave...me...alone..." Celestia slurred, her speech impeded by the alcohol that had now intoxicated her. Celestia raised her foreleg again, drinking the remaining contents of the bottle.
"Stop it!" Luna knocked away the bottle, which shattered on the wall with a loud sound. Celestia just grumbled in frustration and reached for another bottle.
"Stop." Luna said with such authority that Celestia froze.
Luna looked at her with a cold gaze before speaking.
"This is all about her, right? About Twilight."
Celestia nodded slowly, her eyes now watery and threatening to burst into tears.
" It...was...always about...her...it ...always...was." Celestia stammered, her alcohol-intoxicated mind not doing any good to her thinking.
"Please, Tia...it has been so long since she...died. Why haven't you recovered yet? You were never like this, Tia."
"I...don't know...I...really...don't...know..." She finally let go of her tears, which was now followed with choking, uncontrollable sobs.
"Please, just let go of her. She's dead, and there's nothing we can do about it. I was hurt too, Tia. But I managed to recover. And I believe you can, too. Just do it for me, Tia. Or for yourself." Luna stated with a somber tone.
Her mind suddenly became clear, the words puncturing her heart like knives. Her face was contorted with anger as she used her hindlegs to sweep away all the wine bottles on her bed, causing a symphony composed of shattering bottles.
"Let go of her? I will never, ever let go of her. Do you hear me? I loved her before, and I still love her now. And I swear on my life I'll continue to love her in the future." Celestia's nostrils flared as she shouted.
Luna took a step back, cowering from her fury. "Tia..." she weakly responded.
Celestia continued her relentless barrage of words, her shout now becoming more of a bellow. " Who are you to tell me to let her go? You will never know how much I love her, how much it hurt me when she left. Maybe you're right, we should move on. But I can't. There is no future for me to move on..."
Celestia looked away from Luna and into the night sky, her tears shimmering in the night, slowly dripping onto the bed, the bed getting wetter as the seconds passed.
The doors opened, and the guards immediately went inside, instinctively asking, "Are you alright..."
They stopped as they saw the scene in front of them, the countless shards of glass on the floor, Celestia lying on the bed and looking away with tears on her face, Luna with tears of her own, though not as much as Celestia. And when both rulers gave them a look of pure hatred, the guards immediately ran outside and closed the doors.
Celestia's voice was sure to have woken at least half of the castle, and soon more ponies would be rushing here, trying to find out what happened. Luna sealed the doors with her magic, which she reckoned could at least buy some time. She then looked at Celestia, who was also staring at Luna. It went on for a few seconds, the silence overwhelming Luna. It was with much effort that Luna spoke.
"You're right, I will never know the love between you and Twilight, how deep the bonds were. But we have to look forward, don't we? Our empire is crumbling without your leadership, your wisdom. And maybe I will never know how deeply you were hurt. But we have to continue living...please. It's what Twilight would want, what Twilight would expect."
"I know...Twilight would want me to continue without her, to live on. But I can't seem to find any meaning in life anymore...The future looks so dark, so bleak...it's not worth living it out..." Celestia cried even more.
"You have to, Tia...I've also been affected...The past year I have been covering your duties, and I'm so tired everyday...I'm going to go insane at this rate, Tia...I need you. I beg you...I want my loving, caring, responsible sister back..." Luna rushed forward to hug Celestia, the two sisters embracing each other, their tears mixing.
"Luna...I...never meant to hurt you...I'm...so sorry...I failed as your older sister. You did so much for me...I'm so ashamed..." Celestia closed her eyes, the words just flowing out of her mouth.
"No, Tia...You haven't disappointed me at all. You're the best sister in the world...I love you so much...you were always there for me, even when I did things so horrible, so cruel. So please, I need you back, to guide me...I'm so lost without you..." Luna sobbed wildly, her embrace becoming even stronger.
A loud knock on the door resonated in the room, and a commotion could be heard outside. But they didn't care. They continued embracing each other, enjoying each other's warmth, and the consolement it brought. Even when the voices of ponies shouting their names echoed in the room. A muffled scream could be heard, and the door started to crack as it was being knocked down by the ponies outside. The magic Luna casted was strong, but it was only a matter of time before the door broke. And if they were caught in such an awkward situation...it was going to be bad.
Luna slid out of the embrace, her eyes locking with Celestia's.
"Just don't do anything stupid, Tia...promise me." Luna whispered.
Celestia looked at Luna with a mix of sadness and hurt, her eyes glimmering in the moonlight.
"I wish I could, Luna...I don't know...I don't know anymore."
Luna hung her head lowly, and started to unfold her wings.
"Whatever you do, Tia...just remember...I love you."
Luna jumped out of the balcony, her wings spreading majestically as she flew away into the night sky.
Celestia closed her eyes, her choking sobs suffocating her.
"I love you too..." Celestia muttered with a weak breath.
As the door gave way, Celestia collapsed.
"On god...what happened..." was what Celestia first heard as she roused from her sleep, her head still spinning and her vision only just becoming clearer.
She looked around. She was in a hospital ward, that was for sure. She caught Shining Armor pacing about the room, frantically muttering incomprehensible words. It was a few seconds before Shining Armor realised she was awake, and immediately asked a flurry of questions.
"Princess Celestia, are you alright? What happened? Did an invader sneak in? Were the guards posted too..."
Celestia interrupted him, asking him to find the doctor instead. Shining Armor wasn't one to question her, so he nodded and went out of the room. Just when he left, a figure materialised in the corner of her eye, seemingly coming out of the shadows.
"Luna..." Celestia muttered.
Luna immediately embraced Celestia again, crying hysterically.
"What's wrong?" Celestia asked, concerned.
"I thought...when you said....you couldn't promise me...that you decided...to take your own life. I was so scared, so afraid when I heard that you were found unconscious in your bedroom...I thought I had lost you." Luna was crushing her with her hug, tightening like a vice grip. But it didn't hurt. Instead it felt reassuring and tender.
"Luna...don't cry. It hurts me to see you cry..." Celestia cried too, returning Luna with an embrace of her own.
Hoofsteps could be heard outside, and it became increasingly loud. Luna perked her ears, and looked sadly at Celestia. "Take care, Tia." Luna disappeared back into the shadow.
Celestia just smiled sadly and nodded.
Shining Armor had brought the doctor back, and as he saw the fresh tear stains on Celestia he asked.
"Are you okay, your highness?"
"I'm fine, thank you. Now when can I be discharged?"
Shining Armor decided not to press the issue, and stayed silent as the doctor looked through his clipboard.
"With your current rate of recovery, you can be safely discharged tonight. But you have to watch out for alcoholic drinks. Your liver has been partially damaged, and you have to abstain from alcohol for at least a month after your liver heals."
Celestia nodded, thinking about Luna. She hoped Luna was okay...she had hurt Luna badly, and she cursed herself for that. Luna did not deserve this...she was such a failure as an older sister.
She smirked. Yes, she was a failure. She promised Luna, when Luna was a filly, that she would protect her, love her, forever. And she broke it. Her own promise. And it felt so terrible yesterday, the broken promise was shoved directly into her face when Luna cried, asking for her help. She had broken down on that day. But never. Never again will she break Luna's heart.
She sat up, her eyes steeled with determination.
Never again. She was going to repay Luna with all she could.
Celestia had been discharged a few hours ago, and now the sky was dotted with countless of twinkling stars. She was right beside Luna's bed, watching her sister in her sleep. She could watch this forever, Luna occasionally rolling and mumbling in her sleep. She looked so...beautiful.
Celestia stroked Luna's ethereal mane, the wisps of her mane leaving a cool sensation on her hoof. Without Luna, she would have never gotten past Twilight's death. Sure, she was still heartbroken...so heartbroken. But it was Luna whom dissuaded her from taking the easy way out of suicide, from 'joining' Twilight. And she was immensely grateful for that. She continued to stroke her mane, and tears welled in her eyes.
"Oh, what would I do without you..." Celestia whispered, her hoof tenderly caressing her cheek.
She leant forward and gave a slight peck on Luna's forehead, which was returned by incoherent mumbling from Luna.
"I love you."
Celestia flew out of the room, leaving Luna alone with her dreams and thoughts.
She landed on her own balcony, and as she started to close her eyes, she unknowingly gave a slight, satisfied smile.
And the smile remained etched on her face as she drifted off into sleep.
"Tia...you look very cheerful today. What's the reason? Come on, tell me!" Luna bumped Celestia's rump, her face pleading.
Celestia winked at Luna before saying, "Maybe. After breakfast."
Luna indignantly huffed, her eyes casting off Celestia. "I guess it can wait. Though I must say, it is rare seeing you like this."
"Like what?"
"Being so happy!" Luna snorted. "I'm extremely sure you're not happy because of royal duties."
"Urgh...I hate them." Celestia gave a look of disgust.
"Tell me about it." Luna matched her expression.
As they reached the dining hall, the wafting aroma of freshly baked pastries and breads filled the air, and they could not help drooling a little. They looked at each other for a while before tucking in, gobbling the food up greedily.
Just when Celestia cut into her oozing chocolate cake, a cream puff landed on her face, the impact so strong it dazed Celestia for a few seconds. When Luna looked at the cream-smeared face of her sister, Luna could not help but laugh, clutching her stomach and bending over.
Celestia groaned, her head still spinning. She sluggishly raised her hoof to wipe off the cream out of her eyelids, and she looked at Luna with pure hatred.
"Haha...you should have seen...that......" Luna exclaimed loudly at first, but as she saw the look from Celestia she started to shut her mouth, and her body trembled with fear. She had done it too far.
"Tia...I'm sorry. I didnt thought about your feelings...I'm sorry, Tia. I really am." Luna said ashamedly, her eyes looking at Celestia as if looking at a terrible monster. Which, admittedly sometimes, wasn't too far off.
"Luna...you did this to me...and though I am forgiving, today is not one of those days. You will receive your punishment." Celestia stated, her eyes now looking even harsher.
Luna cowered in fear, literally a bundle of nerves now. She closed her eyes. She wanted to run. To escape. But she knew she deserved it. Thus, she stayed put, and feared for the worst. She pricked up her ears as she heard something whizzing towards her at an incredible velocity. Not enough strength to injure her, but just enough to daze her. Still she stayed put, the fear engulfing her mind, and actually caused her to tear up.
Luna crashed into the wall, and she groaned as she struggled to sit up, and her mind was filled with the laughter of Celestia. Curiously, she opened her eyes. Celestia was rolling on the floor, clutching at her stomach, laughing so loud it hurt Luna's ears. As she touched her face, she found the source of Celestia's laughter. She would not stand for a chocolate cake on her face.
She walked up to Celestia, who was so engrossed in her laughter that she didn't even notice Luna, whose eyes twinkled with mischief. She cautiously took a glass of hot chocolate, and slowly emptied it onto Celestia. Celestia spluttered, and shouted playfully.
"Stop it Luna! Stop it! You're getting it all over my face!" Celestia laid sprawled on the floor, her eyes closed as trickles of liquid chocolate traversed down her face.
Luna blushed profusely. She didn't mean to, and she knew it was wrong. But the sight in front of her...Celestia was practically helpless now, her back to the floor. The way her beautiful, billowing ethereal mane flowed, the playful and insanely cute face that drove her mad, the soft, pristine white fur that she would give anything for a touch. It took Luna all her willpower to not look any further. Dirty thoughts immediately entered her mind, and she shamelessly decided not to shove them away. In fact, she felt like she had no control over herself.
She walked forward, as if in a trance. She leant down her head to the unsuspecting Celestia.
Just as Celestia started to open her eyes, Luna gave a full kiss to her lips, which immediately jolted Celestia's eyes to open wide in shock and her wings to shoot out straight.
Luna instantly regained control, and hurriedly pulled back so fast that she fell to the floor.
"What...what was that for, Luna?" Celestia asked worriedly.
"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to...I...I have to go."
Luna apologised hastily, and teleported away in the blink of an eye. Celestia just laid there for awhile, her mind still buzzing with thoughts.
As she stood up and proceeded to her bathroom to clean herself, she could not help but recall what just happened.
"It must have been an affectionate kiss...yes, nothing more than an affectionate kiss..." Celestia muttered to herself.
But somehow she had this slight feeling...it was not just a sign of affection.
She put away the idea instantly.
What she had planned for Luna after breakfast was pretty much over now, seeing what happened...
Next time, she told herself.
Next time.
