Chapter 1- And I Thought this was Going to be Boring
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Chapter 1- And I Thought this was Going to be Boring
What just happened? I don't know why I'm asking you this. I mean, this is a journal so your not even supposed to be reading this are you? No. You're not. Anyways, to answer my first question, I don't fucking know.
Every once in awhile when I want to be alone I go to the desert to rock climb. I try to make sure I'm always well equipped. So I usually bring my knife, phone, food, water, climbing gear, etc. I almost always have my phone in my pocket by the time I get out of the car. This time though, I only had my knife with me when I got out. I walked over to the passenger side of the car to grab my climbing gear. As I started to reach for the door it locked. In case you didn't know, cars don't lock on their own. Especially when the keys to said car are still in the car. Also water doesn't come out of the ground and go up to the sky, which magically gets darker. Stay in school kids. You'll learn these kinds of things. The water 'droplets' were zooming past me at a very fast pace. When I go rock climbing I where the same orange t-shirt and, for some reason, black pants. So as you can imagine it stung when the water hit my arms. By that point I was freaking out. It didn't help that thunder and lighting's retarded baby thought lighting was supposed to be green. So I ran for my life. When I was about two hundred yards out a lighting bolt hit my car.
If you have ever seen a car explode you know it's awesome, unless you're running for your life. At least now I can be classified as 'cool'. If I had shades I would say," That was (romoves shades) explosive. YEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHH!!!!" Anyways back to running for my life. After a few more feet I was struck, but for some reason it didn't shock me. Instead the storm thought it would be funnier for me to be at a swirling rave. One second a cactus was green, the next it was purple. The sky is supposed to be blue? To bad, now its yellow. The ground is supposed to be tan?! Proposterous! It's always been pink.I ended up on my hands and knees throwing up. After awhile everything turned a solid white. In the middle of the white around me a black spot appeared and slowly started to expand to the left. I was just on my knees staring at whatever the hell was going on. After a few more seconds everything around me streched backwards then caved in. After that my vision went black.
When I woke up I was in a cell. A motherfucking cell of all places. My wrists were in shackles chained to the wall. The room was about 10 feet by 10 feet. There was a hole in the ground next to me that did NOT smell like tulips and roses. The bricks in the cell were a grimy black. The bars in the front of the cell looked like they were made of iron as were the shackles. My brown hair was matted and greasy from my sweat. I started to hear what sounded like a clopping coming from down the hallway. "How the hell are they riding horses in this narrow hallway," I muttered. The strangest thing happened next. A little horse, no, a pony came trotting up to the cell bars. He had a yellow coat with a fiery orange mane and tail that turned yellow as it went to the outside of them. For some reason the little guy had a brown vest on. It would've been cute if I liked to dress up animals. I then took notice that he had a read apple on his flank. When I looked back up to his face I noticed him looking at me. No staring at me with- is that a blush? His cheeks had turned a bright red. So just for funzies I opened my mouth and closed it with a sharp snap. He flinched back and did something I never would have never expected, he talked. "Hello there strange creature. Can you speak big guy?"
I couldn't speak even if I wanted to. I woke up in a cell after a freak weather storm and just found a talking pony. Or rather he, or they, found me and put me in a cell. When I finally regained my senses he was staring at me. So I said, "Um... hello?"
"Sweet Celestia you can talk!" He said with no small amount of surprise.
"Yes I can. Now can you tell me why I'm in a damned cell?"
"Oh, uh, right. My bad. We found you outside the town after a freak thunderstorm. I've already told my cousin and her friends about you so they should be coming down soon."
"Your cousin? Why her? And you can drop the act. I can tell your southern."
"Thank ya partner. Don't know why those nice townsfolk wanted me ta talk like that. Anyways, I told ma cousin because she's one of the elements of harmony. Along with the rest of her friends that are comin'."
"Elements of harmony? What the hell is that? And where am I?"
"The elements of harmony have saved Equestria one time by exorcising Nightmare Moon out of Princess Luna's body. The actual elements are artifacts that only the girls can use. And as for where you're at," he then proceeded to rear up on his back hooves and said," You're in AAAAPAAALLLOOSA!"
This guy is way to excited about his job. "So you called them to come down and see if they need to use the Elements of Harmony on me?" The pony started to go shifty-eyes and look everywhere but my eyes. These guys are fucking horrible liars. "Hey! Get your green eyes in check and look at me. I understand why you did it. A strange storm shows up in the middle of a damned desert and a strange creature is found where the storm was. I get it. Just don't lie to me. I hate liars."
He looked abashed for a few moments before starting to look curious. "How'd ya know ya were in the desert?"
I can either lie about where I came from or tell the truth. Imma lie. "You have a ton of sand on your jacket. Plus you tracked sand into the hallway. Then you have the sand in your hair and coat, my bad, mane. So unless you take sand baths we're in a desert."
"Oh. Ah see that now. Anyhow we will let ya go once my cousin and her friends say yer good to go."
"Wait, what are their names? Your cousin and friend's names, I mean."
"Ma cousin is Applejack. Her friends names are Twilight, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash."
"Hm. Weird names. What's yours?"
"Braeburn. Yours?"
"Archer. Nice to meet you Brae. You got anything to eat?"
"Yes, ah will bring some food down for ya now. And Archer is a weird name too."
With that he left. About five minutes later he came trotting back in with a plate of apples balanced on his head. He passed them to me through a slot in the bars. It was a little. Hard to reach since the shackles were restricting my movement but I managed. He then sat down on his haunches and told me about this place called Equestria. How there's unicorns, pegasi, and earth ponies. He said he was an earth ponies. He told me how it was the alicorn race that ruled over most kingdoms in Equestria. It was a nice little history lesson that had to be cut short because Braeburn's cousin and friends had arrived. He ran up the hallway to greet them. I sat there and thought about how much I had just lied. I gave him a false name and told him I guessed we were in a desert. Oh well, hopefully these girls will have good hearts and set me free. I can only hope.
Unicorns, Pegasi, and Earth Ponies! Oh My!
Wait, I'm a fucking hypocrite. I told Braeburn that I hate liars, and yet I lied to his face. I guess it's not that I hate liars, its just that I hate it when people lie to me. That thought process led to me thinking about me old girlfriend, which gave out to me thinking about the song 'That Girl' by Maxi Priest featuring Shaggy. Somehow I ended up being able to make the exact beat of the song with the shackles around my wrists. So when the 'girls' showed up next to my cell with me humming the song they were very confused.
"See, I told you guys this thing wasn't that scary!"
Thet scared the shit out of me but I cleverly concealed the jump by acting like I hiccuped. Like a boss, right? Ain't no mamby-pamby pony gonna scare me and get me to show it.
"What are you, um, sir?" A pretty purple pony (Alliteration bitches) said. She was actually a unicorn with a purple mane and tail. The mane and tail both had a violet streak going through them. Her cutie mark (Braeburn explained that too. And cutie mark is a gay name) was a purple star with little white ones surrounding it. The pegasus that spoke up first had a cleverly colored cyan coat with a mother fucking rainbow mane. Shits wack. Her cutie mark was a cloud with a rainbow lighting bolt coming out of it. She was giving me a hard glare. Don't know why though. The mare standing next to her reminded me of a marshmallow. Her coat was a solid white and her mane was a luxurious purple. Her cutie mark was three diamonds in a triangle formation. Beside her must have been Braeburn's cousin. She had a brown coat and blonde hair that was tied back. Her cutie mark was three red apples in triangle formation. She wore a Stetson hat and was glaring at me like the cyan one. The next one was scaring me a bit. She had this maniac smile on her pink coated face. Her mane and tail was a darker shade of pink. Her cutie mark was three balloons once again in triangle formation. The middle one was yellow. I have no clue why they like triangles so much. Maybe its a cultist thing. "Um hello?" The purple on said again. I had completely forgot about her asking me a question
"Hi, could you repeat the question?" I asked. All of the girls flinched back, just like Braeburn.
"I-I-I said wh-what are you?" She stammered.
"Ah yes, now I remember. I am a human."
"A human? What's a human?"
"Well, think of a highly intelligent, bald ape. Then you have the most primitive and basic idea. So do you mind getting me outa here?"
"No way! There's no way were letting him out of here! Isn't that right Twilight?" The rainbow one said. By that time I figured that she was Rainbow Dash, the pink one was Pinkie Pie, and the white one was Rarity.
"Whoa now. I haven't done anything wrong. Why would you keep me in a cell if I did nothing wrong?!"
"Because you're scaring everypony! Plus your clothes are horrible!" Marshmallow said. Wait? She's contradicting my clothes when she's running around naked? Bitch.
"It's not my fault everyone is scared of me. I didn't do anything wrong!"
"You're probably lying to try to get out of that cell!" Skittles said. Wow, whatever girl. Not gonna have fun here.
"Hold on girls. He ain't lying. Ah don't have that nasty feelin in ma gut." Applesauce said.
"Yeah and Applejack's the element of honesty! She can tell when someone's lying! Besides, I still need to throw a 'Welcome first human in Equestria' party! It'll have cake, and streamers, and music, and-" Somehow the pink one said that all in one breath. Thankfully she was interrupted. Not so thankfully Skittles was the one who spoke up.
"PINKIE! We're not throwing him a party because we're keeping him in this cell!" Wat da fuq Skittles? And I thought you were tasty.
"I-I-I think we s-sh-should give him a chance. Um, if you don't mind that is."
"Woah! This place is haunted?! Weird." I said.
"That's Fluttershy she's, well, shy." Purple pony said.
"Oh. Right. Then where is she?"
"EEP!" Bet I can guess who.
"Fluttershy? Was that you?" I calmly said.
"Hey! You can't talk to her!" I bet YOU can guess who. No? It's Rainbow. Idiots.
"Actually, I'm pretty sure I can talk to her. You know, since I have a mouth, lips, and a tongue. Plus vocal cords. Gotta have those bad boys." I'm a smartass, so what?
"You know what I meant! Stay away from her!" Rainbow yelled. How could I even reach her? I'm shackled to a wall in a cell. These damned shackles wouldn't let me get three feet.
"Rainbow, I-I think I can handle him." Fluttershy gulped and stepped out from behind Applejack. Braeburn's cousin had been awfully quiet lately. Fluttershy took tiny tentative steps towards the cell doors. I don't know why she wanted to get closer to me, but it's her choice.
"Wh-what's your name?" Wow, she's going to treat me like a cornered ani al. Great. Fucking wonderful. Damn ponies
"My name is Archer. That you for asking. Unlike your other friends." I said. All of them except for Dash looked down. Dash just kept on a'glarin.
"You're welcome. So why are you here?" Fluttershy questioned.
"Honestly? I have no idea. I go to sleep on my bed then wake up in a cell in the land of ponies" I lied. Wait, shit. Applejack can apparently tell when people are lying. It looked like she hadn't noticed though.
"Oh, well I'm very sorry. We'll get you out of here." Fluttershy said.
"Wait! Whose we? I'm not-" Rainbitch was cut off by Fluttershy, who turned around and glared at her. At least I think it was a glare. Her head was turned so I couldn't tell
"You don't need to be sorry Flutters. You didn't do anything." I said in a soothing voice. She turned around and smiled. I just gave a little wave with a grin.
"I think we can let you out. But there's just one problem. Where would you stay?" Twilight said.
"I think I can handle that." Apparently these other girls can't hear since they all jumped. Fluttershy gave off a little 'EEP' and hid behind Applejack. Seriously, how could they not here his hooves clopping on the ground?
"Whew! Don't scare us like that cousin! I might've bucked you in tha face!" There's Applejack. That girl had been to quiet.
"That would've been bad. Anyhow ah figured ah could keep him in the barn and let him work on the farm!" Braeburn said. Ah shit a barn? Guess it's better than nothin'.
"I'm good with that. I need to work out more anyways. Sure, I used to rock climb and do parkour a little bit, but I don't think that would help on a farm." I said. That was true. I fucking love parkour. The wind rushing through my hair, the adrenaline highs. God it was amazing.
"I still don't trust him." Rainbow said.
"And I don't trust you. But we're both just gonna have to deal with it aren't we?" Rainbow Dash kept her steely eyes on me as Braeburn walked over to the cell and unlocked the door. It obviously wasn't well-oiled since it screeched when Brae opened it. Brae carefully trotted up to me, keeping a wary eye on me the whole time. As he reached my shackles all the little ponies held their breath. I raised my hands and pushed them forward so he would have an easier time unlocking the shackles. Braeburn hooked the key into the first shackle's key hole. For some reason he thought it would be a good idea to add suspense since he turned the key ever so slowly. The first shackle gave off a 'click' and unlatched itself. The left-hand (or left-hooved) shackle fell to the ground. Braeburn then moved to the shackle surrounding my right wrist, and repeated the process. As the right shackle gave way and fell to the ground, Braeburn backed away. I rubbed my red wrist and gave off a happy sigh. I looked up and saw Rainbow Dash and Applejack in fighting stances. Twilight looked nervous but ready to fight if she had too. Rarity just looked