Breaking News

by CassandraMyOCisBestpony

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Random, Crossover, Diamond Tiara, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Snips
Length: 2394

This is a re-imagining of "Ponyville Confidential" if the characters thought a little more like those of Breaking Bad - ruthless, cunning, and convinced their actions are justified.

When the Cutie Mark Crusaders see a golden opportunity, how far will they go to get what they want? This story highlights the parallels between the episode "Ponyville Confidential" and the TV series "Breaking Bad." While it may seem preposterous that such a thing can be done with two media on the opposite ends of the grimdark spectrum, I think you'll be surprised how well the stories blend. It's a real testament to a kids' show when you can say about it, "that last episode reminded me of Breaking Bad."

Though this story is safe for general audiences, it contains SPOILERS for the first 4 seasons of Breaking Bad..

Published 2013-09-26 01:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-09-26 01:10:03 UTC

A Horse with Two Names

Breaking
News
A Horse with Two Names

It was the end of a long school day for Applebloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo. Normally the three of them would be running around outside, leisurely enjoying the remaining hours of daylight. But today was different, Cherliee had announced that the Foal Free Press was recruiting. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had always considered themselves to be pretty good writers, and perhaps they could finally make their skills lucrative. As it happened, Featherweight had just gotten his cutie mark in journalism. If he could do it, then surely they could.

The three aspiring writers seated themselves at the picnic table and began brainstorming. After a few hours of no fruition, Sweetie Belle heard a commotion behind the schoolhouse and went to investigate. It was there she saw Snips and Snails, glued to one another’s posteriors by a stray wad of gum. Barely able to restrain herself from laughing, she scrawled furiously in her notebook.

“One down” she murmured.

*****

The Cutie Mark Crusaders gulped nervously as they entered the dimly-lit basement below the schoolhouse. Diamond Tiara sat on a comically oversized, yet imposing leather chair.

“I don't have a lot of time to waste with blank flanks," she scoffed, "so make it quick, what do you want?”

“We’re here because we’ve got the best stuff in Ponyville” said Sweetie Belle, “but we need distribution.” She placed her notebook on Tiara’s desk. Tiara flipped through the pages, scornfully at first, but her expresson changed to fascination as she continued to read.

“Alright, this is is decent,” she sad, "I’ll just take these, and you bring me more stories tomorrow. We’ll talk partnership then.”

“Turribly sorry” said Applebloom, “but that ain’t the way we do business, we ain’t floatin’ stories.”

“Don’t make me laugh! ” sneered Tiara, “why should I care about how you do business?”

“99.1%.” said Applebloom, “That’s th’ grade ah got on mah last essay. Ah take it ya aren’t used to that kinda quality”

Tiara had to admit, that was impressive - very impressive, but she kept herself from expressing any consternation. “Fine, you’ve got my attention. Bring me two stories a day, and I’ll get you all the cutie marks you want.”

“Can you handle four?” challenged Sweetie Belle

“I can handle four hundred” said Tiara coolly, “don’t you ever try to intimidate me again! Just who do you think you are?”

Unfazed, Sweetie Belle replied,
“We’re Gabby Gums.”

*****

Business was booming for the Foal Free Press. The newspaper was the talk of the town, the citizens had developed a veritable addiction for gossip. Even the pros were starting to notice; tabloids like “Eq weekly” and “The National Equestrian” were seeing a good chunk of their sales taken by this new homebrew. The Cutie Mark Crusaders had been careful in their work, covering their tracks so thoroughly that nopony, not even their own families, would figure out their roles in these clandestine dealings. The fact remained though, that the Cutie Mark Crusaders were amateurs at heart, and it was only a matter of time until one of them slipped up.

Sweetie Belle was enjoying a home cooked breakfast at her sister’s house. She had made herself charred bacon and eggs. The food was black instead of grey, and didn’t crumble into a pile of ash at the slightest touch. In other words, her best yet.

“SWEETIE BELLE” shouted Rarity, “care to explain what my diary is doing in your saddlebag?”

“I, uh.. don’t know?” said Sweetie Belle anxiously.

“You wouldn’t perchance have been, reading it? Because this ‘Gabby Gums’ mare seems to have a rather intimate knowledge of my goings-on.”

“I... I just picked it up because I thought it was mine," she lied "but I didn’t read any of it, I swear.”

Reluctantly, Rarity acquiesced, “If you say you didn't read it, then I believe you. I suppose there’s no harm done if you just moved it.” Sweetie Belle breathed a sigh of relief.

“Seriously though” Rarity continued “you must be more mindful. My name is written right on the front cover. If it were yours, it would have your name on it.”

“Which one?” quipped Sweetie Belle, realizing her mistake a moment too late.

“That’s an odd question” said Rarity, inquisitive once again, “why would you have a second name?”

Rarity didn’t have to think very hard to answer her own question. It was possibility she’d considered often but believed never. But she couldn't deny it any longer “You’re Gabby Gums. All the sneaking around, all those days you came home with ink smudges on your hooves. I should have known, when you were out ‘crusading,’ you were really cooking up stories!”

“Please Rarity, don’t tell anypony” begged Sweetie Belle

“I want you out of my house!” yelled Rarity, “NOW!”

Sweetie Belle slunk away despondently.

Scootaloo and Applebloom were hanging out in the town square, when from afar they spotted Rainbow Dash buying a copy of the day’s Foal Free Press. Scootaloo was about to call out to her idol, but Applebloom put a hoof out to stop her,

“Don’t ya remeber what th’ front page story is today?” she cautioned. They heard Rainbow Dash cry out,

“WHAT? How did they find out about my hooficure! This is a disaster! I can’t let anypony see me!” She grabbed as many newspapers as she could and took off in a panic, shooting through the air at a blazing speed. With her vision impaired by the bale of newspapers, she had no way of knowing that she was directly on a collision course with Fluttershy and Angel. With a violent SMACK the pegasi collided midair. Angel was propelled out of Fluttershy’s arms and plonked into the lake below. The two pegasi plummeted out of the sky, hitting the ground and kicking up a huge cloud of dust.

Applebloom and Scootaloo looked on horrified,

“Did... we do that?” asked Scootaloo, in shock

“There were plenty a’other factors besides our paper” said Applebloom. Scootaloo, not convinced in the least, continued staring off into the distance.

"Ponies we care about are getting hurt."

“Look,” said Applebloom, “Tiara’s a businessmare, she’ll be reasonable. We’ll sit down and have a talk with her, ok? C’mon let’s go tell Sweetie Belle.”

Rainbow Dash picked herself up off the ground.

“Fluttershy!” She galloped over to spot where her friend hit the ground, “Are you ok? Please tell me you’re ok! I’m so sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was going-”

“I’m ok” said Fluttershy “The grass is really soft, and I’ve had plenty of practice on how to fall. Are you ok, though?”

“A few scratches, nothing that’ll keep me down” said Rainbow Dash boastfully, “what about Angel, is he ok?”

“He’ll be fine” said Fluttershy reassuringly, motioning at the dripping wet Angel, who had just emerged from the lake. He was visibly annoyed, but otherwise unharmed. “He needed a bath anyway.”

*****

The Cutie Mark Crusaders stood before Diamond Tiara, having just finished voicing their concerns.

“Ugh, consciences” said Tiara apathetically, “the enemy of businessmares everywhere. But I suppose I can’t argue with looking out for your own best interests, so fine, no more stories on your friends and families. Will you stay then?”

The three fillies huddled together to discuss.

“Th’ whole point of this was to get our cutie marks, and we haven’t gotten ‘em yet” whispered Applebloom to her friends, “Everythin’ we’ve done will be for nothin’ if we quit now.”

“I guess so” whispered back Sweetie Belle, "Scootaloo are you in?"

Scootaloo remained silent for a few moments, then said, "For the cutie mark, and for you two, I'll be in."

“We’ll stay” said Applebloom to Tiara finally.

“Good choice” said Tiara. As they turned to leave, she continued “Oh by the way, I got you an apprentice”

“A whatnow?” asked Scootaloo, never the best with big words

“Featherweight's going to shadow you. His quality is far below Gabby Gums, but he’s a hard worker. That’s all, you can go now. ”

The three Crusaders departed, relieved at how peacefully the encounter had gone, but not quite sure what to make of the new development.

*****

Featherweight was at home, preening his scrawny wings when he heard a knock at the door. He wondered who it could be, a soft-spoken loner like himself rarely got guests. He opened the door cautiously, to see Diamond Tiara standing in the doorway.

“Miss Tiara... hello” he said, not sure of the appropriate degree of formality

“Can I come in?” she asked, looking uncharacteristically uneasy.

“Of course. Is everything all right?”

‘Yes yes,” replied the editor-in-chief, “tell me, how have things been going with you and Gabby Gums?”

“It’s been great!” replied Featherweight, his eyes lighting up, ”It’s only been a few weeks, but I’ve learned so much about journalism, I think we have really great chemistry together!”

“Have they ever told you why they’re working for the Foal Free Press?”

“I can’t say they have, they keep to themselves most of the time.”

“It’s the big C. They’re trying to get their Cutie Marks. Which is what I wanted to talk to you about. They’re flighty, and I have no doubt they’ll lose interest as soon as they hit that goal. So I need to know, how soon can you start as the head writer?”

“Oh, my…” sputtered Featherweight, trying to absorb all the new information. He aspired for leadership someday, but didn't expect such an opportunity so soon. After a moment, he composed himself, “I think I can be ready after three more days with them.”

“Make it two” replied Tiara, “oh, and I’ve got a special job for you.”

*****

Two days later, the Cutie Mark Crusaders convened at their treehouse

“Is it just me, or is Featherweight is asking a lot more questions than usual?” Sweetie Belle asked the group.

“Y’all don’t think Diamond Tiara’s fixin’ to replace us?” suggested Applebloom

“She has been more impatient than usual,” said Scootaloo, “it would make sense.”

“Well then we gotta ratchet up our operation!” declared Applebloom, “show Tiara we can’t be replaced.”

“Unh-uh” said Sweetie Belle, “no half-measures. Featherweight is the only leverage she has on us...”

Their conversation was interrupted by a knock at the door. It was Diamond Tiara.

“You have a minute, Blank Flanks? We need to talk.”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders were under no illusions about the nature of her visit. Moving as fast and nimbly a caffeinated squirrel, Scootaloo dashed down the ladder, hopped on her scooter, and blazed off into the distance.

“Yer gonna wanna hold off on killin’ Gabby Gums” warned Applebloom.

“And why’s that?” replied Tiara

“Because you’re going to need her.” said Sweetie Belle, “Sixty-three fifty-three Horseshoe Lane.”

Tiara’s face fell.

*****

The next day, immediately after school, Diamond Tiara pulled the three Cutie Mark Crusaders into the basement.

“You gave us no other choice” said Scootaloo, trying to project none of the nervousness she was feeling.

“You must think you’re very clever” hissed Tiara, “convincing him to ditch my paper and go for the big leagues.”

“We’d best get ta work if we’re ta get tomorrow’s batch ready on time” suggested Applebloom, in a desperate attempt to change the subject

“You think Gabby Gums is all that special?” interjected Snips bellitlingly. He sat down at one of the typewriters and began hammering away at the keys, dictating his words mockingly, “This morning, I saw the mayor with a tube of grey hair dye…”

As Snips continued, Tiara located a box cutter lying on one of the tables. She picked it up and walked over to her subordinate.

“Snips,” she said curtly.

Snips gulped. The expression on Tiara’s face did not suggest that a promotion was imminent

“I believe we have a shipment of wood pulp coming in today,” she finished. She handed Snips the box cutter, “go take care of it, would you?”

Snips hurried out, leaving the Cutie Mark Crusaders alone in the room with Tiara.

The editor in chief continued, “As for you three, you wanted to write? Fine, write. But next time you step out of line, I’ll make front page news out of these.” She threw a manilla folder down on the floor. Three photos spilled out, each one capturing an embarrassing moment for the respective Crusader.

“H-how did you get these?” stammered Sweetie Belle, as she stared aghast at the photo of herself in a garish Flapper dress.

“A parting gift from Featherweight” replied Tiara smugly, “but that’s not important right now. I believe you need to get started soon if you want to get tomorrow’s batch out on time.”

*****

Immediately after school, the three members of Gabby Bums hurried to the treehouse for an emergency meeting.

“If nopony else is going to say it, I will! She’s a psycho!” declared Scootaloo.

“We gotta put tha Foal Free Press outta commission," said Applebloom

“But how?” asked Sweetie Belle, “the whole town despises us.”

“We give’em somepony to despise even more.”

They spent the rest of the day drafting an open letter to their readers, announcing their resignation as Gabby Gums, and apologizing profusely for their actions.

*****

Upon realizing that Diamond Tiara was the true puppeteer behind Gabby Gums, Cherilee took immediate action, bringing back Featherweight as editor-in-chief. Tiara blew a raspberry at the former Gabby Gums, but they didn't respond. They’d learned an important life lesson, so in the end, they won.

Tiara was allowed to stay on, but was demoted to printing press duty. She seethed as she tried to figure out how to operate the cumbersome machine, “Why isn't it it printing?” she fumed, “Ugh, it must be jammed or something,
all it’s doing is making this weird dinging noise.”

Author's Note

-Sweetie Belle lives with her parents, so she wasn't homeless after Rarity kicked her out.

-Featherweight came back because his entry-level job at the Foal Free Press was all gofer work, which might have paid off long term, but the chance to go straight to the top was too good to pass up.

-This was originally a Cassandra story, in which Cassandra gives them advice about half measures and stuff, but it quickly became clear that encouraging children to emulate Walter White's actions isn't very good advice at all.