182,625 Days; Who Am I?

by NightWolf289

Rating: teen
Tags: Tragedy, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Alternate Universe, Sad
Length: 4665

Cadance struggles with who she is, where she came from, and the unrelenting attack of the Nightmare.

Cadance struggles with who she is, where she came from, and the unrelenting attack of the Nightmare.

Part of my Nightmare universe. Feel free to start here but click these links for the other Princesses' stories.
7,305,000 Suns; One For Each of My Sins and 3,835,125 Moons; My Descent

Published 2013-11-18 20:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-11-18 20:00:03 UTC

Echos...

Journal Entry, Day 1
My sister, Celestia, gave me this small book! It's small and pink just like me! Its got a lot of pages though so she said it should last a looooong time. Anyway, I was born today! Yay me! This is my birthday gift from Celestia. She said it's called a journal. She said I should write all kinds of really important things in here. I don't really know what to write though, I mean, I was only born today so not that much interesting stuff has happened to me yet. Well, I did get named. My name is Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, but you can call me Cadance. I'm gonna write in you all the time, but only with the most important things.

Cadance the birthday filly!

Journal Entry, Day 3
I explored the palace today with my big sis. I can't believe how big it is! A couple of the staff members gave me funny looks but Celestia told me not to worry about it. She is the best sister in the whole world but when I told her that she started crying and sent me to bed. She said, "There is only one best sister but she isn't on the world right now."

Very confused Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 14
Why am I so big? A few foals were brought into the palace today and I was bigger that all of them combined; even though I am only two weeks old and they were ten years old. I am as big as any regular adult pony, is there something wrong with me? I asked Celestia about it but she said it was normal for an alicorn of my age. Apparently I'm an alicorn!

Cadance the alicorn!

Journal Entry, Day 15
I started magic lessons with Celestia today! It was really fun. I got to levitate all kinds of things today. Celestia seemed very happy with my progress but sad at the same time. I'll have to ask her about that later. You know, now that I think about it she always seems sad on the inside, even if she pretends to be happy on the outside.

The Great and Powerful Cadance, Master of Levitating Pebbles!

Journal Entry, Day 29
Celestia says I am very perceptive but she still won't tell me why she is always sad. She said she would tell me when I'm older. I don't like those words very much, I want to know now.

Wishing I was an older Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 66
My magic lessons are going well. I had a funny dream but I can't remember it at all. I'll have to ask Celestia if there is a spell to help me with my dreams. You know remembering them and stuff.

Forgetful Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 144
Why are there only two alicorns? It's just me and Celestia. What happened to the black one in the stained glass window? Where are my parents? I'll try to talk to Celestia on a good day when she is less sad.

Intrigued Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 198
I am sad today. Nopony wants to be my friend. I try but all the foals just say I'm too old (even though I'm younger than them), and all the grown ups just say, "Of course, Princess," but they are not really my friends. No pony really wants to play with me. I mean the grown ups will but they don't want. Does that make any sense? And Celestia is busy with running the country most days so that leaves me with me. I guess I'll go and order the guards outside my door to keep a stern face and then order them to laugh. It's kinda fun to see how they react. We all have a laugh afterwords, but still I miss not having friends.

Lonely Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 235
I am a very fast learner, I finished my magic training with in only a fraction of the time compared to most of the unicorns I have talked to. And why does it seem like it's not new information? Like I'm relearning it or something...

Mystified Cadance.

Journal Entry. Day 365
Celestia was really sad today. She didn't even come out of her room, she just locked herself in her room and cried for the entire day. It's my birthday today but all I really want is for my big sister to be happy. I tried to do a few of her princess duties for her to cheer her up... The fire department had to be dispatched to the palace five separate time... All I was doing was a little bit of paperwork, I will never understand how that happened...

Sad and embarrassed Cadance

Journal Entry, Day 366
I just had the best day ever! Celestia said that she was really sorry about missing my birthday and wanted to make it up to me. It was so much fun! We played tag, hide and seek, and magic hoops. We even played checkers and chess with real ponies as the pieces. The last one was my favorite. Big sis seemed really happy while we were playing, but as soon as she closed the door to her room I heard her crying about somepony. Who is Luna? This requires further investigation...

Happy, yet curious Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 2,597
What happened? Where does time go? Does time feel different to alicorns? It seems like I just blinked and years past... Anyway, I had another mysterious dream, but I forgot to cast the spell to help me remember my dreams when I wake up. On a positive note I read in the library about this black alicorn. Her name is either Luna or Nightmare Moon. The book was a bit unclear.

An older feeling Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 2,982
I got a new bodyguard assigned to me. His name is Iron Guard. He is a metal-gray pegasus with a dark blue mane, his eyes are a lighter gray and his cutie mark is a suit of armor. He refused to dye his coat and mane regulation colors so he almost got denied becoming a full palace guard. However, I saw him training and looked at his scores; I figure that anypony with scores that high should deserve to be a guard, regardless of his coat color, so I requested him for my personal guard. The officer in charge of the training barracks wasn't very happy but it's hard to deny a Princess her wishes (yay me!). Iron Guard said that he "feels privileged to be serving me and pledges his undying loyalty to me." Or something like that.

Better protected Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 3,320
I think I finally made my first friend, Iron Guard is a really friendly stallion and he is really easy to talk to. I find myself wanting to confide in him on many things and I always enjoy his company. He even said that he would play some chess with me tomorrow.

I bet you can guess who will win! Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 3,321
Me: 67 Iron Guard: 0

Victory dance time! Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 3,652
I'm ten years old today! Celestia seemed really happy so I decided to ask her about Luna. She stopped being happy very quickly.

She asked, "Why do you want to know?"

I said, "I want to know what happened to her because we are all alicorns. And all alicorns are a family, right?"

She said, "You are still too young to understand."

I asked her, "Still? Then what about my parents? Can you tell me about them? Everypony else has parents, where are mine?"

"Our parents left a long time ago," Celestia said.

"Oh, okay," I said. "But you'll tell me when I'm older?"

She just nodded and sent me away, but not before I saw tears in her eyes... Why does the name "Luna" make her so sad? Where did my parents go? Did they not love me enough to stay?

Wishing Luna and my parents were here, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 5,964
My mind just exploded today! I can't even think straight. One of my bodyguards, Iron Guard, kissed me! Right on the cheek! I don't quite know what do about it. I thought he was just my friend, but apparently he wants to be more. I'll have to tell Celestia tomorrow and ask her for advise. My chest feel funny and warm and tingly and I like it!

Very happy Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 5,965
I told Celestia what happened and she just gave me her usual serene smile. I thought I saw her eye twitch but it must have been a bug or something. Anyway, I had lots of fun with Iron again. He even managed to beat me at chess! ...Okay, I'll admit that I let him win. I started to feel bad for him, nopony should lose 1,924 to 0. Now his score is 1,923 to 1. He was so happy but I think he might have figured out that I let him win.

Oh well, we both had fun. Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 5,973
I hate him. I hate him so much. I haven't heard from Iron for a week but I didn't think on it much (that's a lie, I thought about him every day). But today Celestia cam- and told me that he resigned and moved far away to an undisclosed location. Why didn't he tel- me? I thought he liked me. -hy doesn't he love me like he sai- he does? Why did he leave w-ithout telling me? Celestia just hugged m- and told me it was for the best. I pushed her out -f my room and told her to not come back. I've been cr-ing under my covers for a while now. Sorry for crying all over you but I had to get this off my chest.

Lonely and friendle-s Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 8,992
I went to orphanage at Celestia's request. I had so much fun helping out the kids there. It's so very sad that they don't have parents that love them, just like me. We got along very well together. I think they are the first ponies that truly understand me, except for Iron Guard. It has been a long time since I've seen him but I'm still going to wring his neck if I see him again.

I'm so tired from playingg allllll d ay whiththe or fans..................

Journal Entry, Day 18,262
I finally had another dream and I cast the memory spell before I went to bed last night, so here it is...

"Our planet is dieing, where will we go?" I asked. (It was me but bigger, stronger, and grown up.)

"To that distant planet," He replied, pointing to a miserable looking planet far in space. (He was a handsome light blue alicorn stallion with black eyes and a wavy multi-hued black mane ranging from almost white to blacker than black. And no, I don't know how that is possible, that's just how He looked. So handsome!)

"There is hardly anything there, how will we survive?" I asked.

"We'll manage as long as we have each other," He said as He hugged me.

I am very confused. It didn't really feel like a dream, but It had to be a dream. Right?

Wishing I had a less complex dream, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 27,180
I went to the orphanage today to visit with some of my friends there. Apparently It's been almost fifty years since my last visit. All of the friends I made are no longer there... I made some new ones but it's not the same. At least the foals had fun, I'll have to make sure to visit more in the future.

Fifty years... Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 35,973
I asked my sister if time passes differently for alicorns, because the palace staff has been changing how they look, and dying, while we stay the same. She said that, "Alicorns live in between the seconds of time where time doesn't flow. So we can grow but not age." That left me even more confused...

Am I a time traveler? Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 36,525
I am one hundred years old today! And for my birthday present Celestia finally told me who Luna is. Luna is Celestia's younger sister, but still much older than me. She said that something called the Nightmare took her mind. She said that Luna was currently on the moon because of an accident. I asked, "Who made the accident?" Celestia just hugged me and cried until she had to raise the moon.

Scared of the Nightmare and worried for my sister, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 42,529
I decided to ask more about the Nightmare. Celestia said that, "The Nightmare is a mental disease that affects only alicorns. It happens slightly different for each alicorn -due to its mental nature- and is always fatal, unless the Elements of Harmony intervene." I asked about the Elements of Harmony and I got a three day lecture with few breaks. Let's just say they are a strong force used by good against evil.

Bored from the lecture, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 56,329
I had another dream last night. Here it is.

"Are you ready?" He asked."There is no going back once we leave this place. Are you sure you want to do this?

I nodded.

We covered ourselves with a magical aura and began flying to the distant planet. We flew up through the atmosphere then into space, dodging clouds and meteors the entire time.

I am confused, I have never even seen either of these ponies, why am I dreaming about them? And why do these dreams feel so much more real than regular ones?

Am I a psychic? Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 74,012
I have had headaches everyday, all day, starting last week. What is happening? I have been having dreams about flying through space with that stallion every night this week too... I think it's amazing they can fly in space at all, it must be a spell or something that is propelling them...

Wishing my dreams made sense, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 80,493
My head hurts so much... I don't even have to cast the spell to help me remember my dreams anymore, sometimes they even come as daydreams. Here is my most recent one, we finally reached the planet a this point.

"It's so cold and barren here," I said.

"I know, but I have an idea," He replied.

"What?" I asked, intrigued.

"You know of the sun that this planet orbits, right? Well, if we combined our power with the indigenous unicorns we found, we might just be able to pull it off..." He said.

"Pull what off?" I asked.

"We will bring the sun closer to our planet and control it ourselves..."

My head hurts so much. But when I asked Celestia about it she just said that, "It's probably nothing, just don't think about it and it will go away." If I didn't know her this well I wouldn't have known she was lying to me.

Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 91,312
I just had the weirdest day, let me start from the beginning. First I had a dream.

"We did it," He said, smiling tiredly.

"Yes we did," I answered, panting slightly.

"It took years, but we finally managed to slow down the planet without killing everypony, brought the sun closer, and now control it and the moon so we can make the optimal days for plant growth and life sustainability. And just in time for our first foal," He said, wrapping His fore legs around me.

"Yes," I murmured, hugging him.

See? And if that wasn't weird enough Celestia was jumping around like a little school filly at recess all day.

"What are you so happy about?" I asked.

"Fifty more years!" she laughed, hugging me and spinning me around. "Then Luna will return! My sister is on her way back!"

I have never seen her act like that, EVER. She actually seemed happy for the first time in her life. Why wasn't she this happy when I was born? Why does she never show near this excitement about me?

I wish these headaches would go away, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 93,901
I had another dream, I think they are starting to come more frequently...

"Come in and see your foal," I said, cradling a bundle of fur in my hooves.

"Our first foal, a colt. I don't even know what to say..." He said, looking at him.

"I think we should call him Apollo, firstborn of our foals," I said with a smile on my face.

"I love it, I love him, I love you," He said, seeming slightly lost for words.

"I know," I said, smiling wider.

These dreams feel like something more than dreams... I would be able to figure it out if my head wasn't in so much pain...

Please, make it stop, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 98,574

"What happened?!" I asked, rushing over to Apollo.

"I don't know! He asked me if he could try raising the sun. He struggled for a minute then collapsed," He replied.

Apollo's eyelids fluttered weakly, but I could see something was different about his eyes... Something dark... Something sinister... But then it was gone and he was fine.

"Mommy's here," I said. "Mommy's got you." I hugged Apollo to my chest and began rocking him back and forth.

He stood a little ways off seeming deep in thought.

My head feels like I smacked it off of the floor for hours...

Celestia never seems to get headaches, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 102,270
Celestia said, "Somepony very important was born today. I don't know her name yet but I will soon. She will fight the Nightmare and save Luna. She will be the most powerful unicorn alive, only she will stand a chance. She and her friends will break the Nightmare's hold on my sister." She hugged me and said, "It will soon be time to meet your second big sister." I don't know what all the fuss is about Luna. I'm here, doesn't that mean anything to her?

I am happy because she is happy, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 105,192
We finally found the unicorn that Celestia was talking about, Twilight Sparkle is her name. Celestia is so very happy, just twelve years until Luna's return. She even sang a random song of joy, I have never seen that before. Her merriment is so contagious that it helps with my headaches. They hurt just a little less when I see my sister this way, even though I don't why she wasn't happy with one sister. Twelve years and counting, soon I will have two big sisters!

I hope Luna likes me more than Celestia, Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 106,631
Twilight Sparkle had an older brother who was very nice to me. It was very sad though, today he got run over by a cart while saving a small filly. He didn't make it but the filly did. I cried a little... a lot... all day. He was so friendly and brave, and even though I hardly knew him it felt like I could really get to know him. It really feels like I am missing out on something and I can't figure out why.

Unhappy Cadance.

Journal Entry, Day 107,998
I had another dream tonight...

"Apollo! Come meet your new sister!" I called.

Apollo poked his head into the room. "What's her name?"

"We have decided on Celestia," I said, holding the bundle of white fur. "Come and say hi."

Apollo grunted and left the room.

I turned to Him and asked, "Was it something I said?"

He just shrugged and started tickling Celestia.

Celestia? How am I Celestia's mother in the dream? This doesn't make any sense, but... I don't think these are dreams, I think these are memories. But if they are, why hasn't Celestia told me anything? Has Celestia been lying to me this whole time? Why does she miss Luna so much more than she loves me?

Suspicious, Cadance...?

Journal entry, Day 146,100
Something went horribly wrong... Luna never came back, Twilight died of old age, Celestia almost killed herself, and I had to raise the sun and moon by myself. This is the first time I left her side in one hundred years, anytime before this and she would have killed herself as soon as I left the room. I think the only reason why she didn't is because she wanted to spare me my innocence, little does she know that has already been ripped away from me in my dreams. I have had so many but I can only remember this one in enough detail to write here.

"You aren't fit to rule!" yelled Apollo. "You are weak, foolish! You don't deserve the power you have!"

"Please Apollo, we can work something out, don't do this," I pleaded.

"Exactly my point! You want to reason with me, you are even stupider than I thought. Do you think I will stop because you asked me to? I am just as strong as you, stronger even!" Apollo yelled, eyes flashing.

"What happened to you, Apollo?" I asked.

"What happened? I woke up! I saw you for the weaklings you are! You want peaceful relations with these... natives," Apollo spat out the last word with hate. "We could be so much more, we could be gods! Why do you fail to see that?" Apollo shot a beam of magic at me which I shielded just in time.

I reacted by returning fire with a dark beam of light. Alpha screamed as the beam went through his shield and charred him to a crisp.

I fell to my knees, tears pouring from my eyes.

He landed next to me and wrapped me in his wings. No explanation was needed. He knew what happened.

I collapsed into His embrace, weeping uncontrollably.

These are not dreams anymore, I was there, I felt my pain. I killed my son. I felt the touch of my mate, the sadness of the loss of my son, where did I really come from? Nopony is born an adult, not even alicorns, my... My memories, confirmed it. Who am I really? Am I really the pony in my dreams? Am I Celestia's sister? Am I a princess? WHO. AM. I.

Please, won't somepony tell me? Anypony? ~~Cadance.~~

Journal Entry, Day 175,320
My head is so full the dreams, the memories, and now this new voice. It hisses in the back if my mind softly like a small snake but grows louder every day...

I was still sobbing in his forelegs.

He suddenly spoke, "When did it happen?"

"I don't know, but he was so young," I said tearfully.

"I discovered a deep magic rooted in the earth of this place," he said. "If we can channel it we might be able to finally have a chance against the Nightmare. A chance for our daughter. Daughters," He said, rubbing my stomach gently.

"Did you hear that!" I shouted at the sky. "You, foul Nightmare, have claimed your last victim!"

I asked Celestia who I am. She just responded with, "Cadance, you are my sister. What are you talking about?" I said, "Just curious." and walked out. I heard her sigh with relief before I was out of earshot...

~~Cadance.~~

Day 182,625

I woke up. Where am I? My bed. My kingdom. Who are you, who am I? I am you, we are us, that is neither. And yet, I am in control. What is going on? We are dead to the world now. Unless Celestia does something. How are we talking? Who are you? Answer the question! You were not born you were made from magic. Made from me. I became you became us. And with all the confusion going on I rule supreme. I thrive in the confusion of the mind, your mind. The Nightmare, wins. Claims another victim. My head hurts, please make it stop.

Why can't we fight it? How does one fight oneself? That's all it is. A broken piece of mind created by living, it happens at a different time for every alicorn. But the more mental discipline you have the longer you can keep yourself together. It consumes all. You were so easy, so simple. I took before you had any idea of what was going on. What do you want? I merely want to rule, to be a proper ruler. The kind the subjects will respect out of fear, who will do whatever needs to be done to maintain my rule. The kind you are too weak to be, because of your love for your subjects. That is not the kind of ruler she wants to be. Why can't I control my own body? What is it doing? Where is it going? To cut down on the useless waste in my kingdom. They take and take but never give back. That is all orphans ever do, waste. Space, food, money, wasted. I am ensuring the stability of my kingdom. You should be thanking me. I'm teaching you more about ruling than Celestia ever did.

Don't talk about Celestia! I'm sorry, is it a sensitive subject that she doesn't love you? That you never meant as much to her as Luna. That you are simply a replacement. No! No! No! Shut up! Keep calm and remember, the more chaotic your thoughts are the more the Nightmare thrives. The less time you have. You shut up too! You're not helping either!

Why should I listen to you? You are nothing, an echo of a pony long dead. You don't deserve the body you have. Celestia knows that. What are you talking about? Celestia made you, a clone of her mother. You are nothing, incapable of being loved. But Celestia loves me... Really? Did she ever say those exact words to you? Did she ever truly say that she she loves you? ...But... Stop listening to it! It lies! No, it doesn't. She hates me. She only loves one sister, her true sister. Not this... thing that she made.

"What are you doing?!" said Celestia from far away.

Celestia! Please, tell me you love me. Tell me I'm not just a replacement Luna... She can't hear you, the Nightmare is just toying with you. Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

"Preserving the economy," said my voice. "And having a bit of fun while I do it."

"I had hoped you would be different, that I would be able to save you. But you leave me no choice," Celestia said sadly. "I'm sorry, sister, pl-please forgive me..." Celestia wept. "My decision is not an easy one but I hope you can forgive me..."

No! Wait! I'm still in here! Celestia! Why do you hate me? Why don't you love me? Why doesn't anypony love me... I tried so hard...

Author's Note

Well, if you are one of the few people who have been waiting for this since the last one came out then sorry for taking so long.
I decided to try a different style and wasn't sure if I liked it or not. (I'm still not really sure if I like it.)
I like it enough to keep it as is, but dislike it enough to consider deleting it and starting over.
Oh well, I hope you enjoy it anyways.
And less importantly I hope this doesn't bomb...