Chapters Chapter 1: Changing Shit Up
WARNING: This is a pretty profane piece of 'literature'. Don't read it if that gets your panties in a knot. That is all.
Jason McShullock hated his job as a delivery boy. A pizza delivery boy, to be precise. It was the same boring work every day. He especially despised delivering pizzas to the area that its residents call ‘Da hood’. After being threatened at gunpoint by a customer in said community, Jason decided that he was damn near tired of his current lifestyle.
“I’m about to change shit up.” He said to himself as he drove back to his house. If he didn’t deliver pizzas in his own car, he would have driven the son of a bitch right off of the side of a road and jumped out, hoping not to fucking die.
After a short drive, Jason arrived at his apartment building. Not a shabby residence but, it was made practically a hellhole by the douchebag party-boy college students who inhabited almost the entire damn apartment. Jason had ideas about what he’d do to ‘Change shit up’ but he would pursue them tomorrow. It was late in the evening and there were things that he would rather do. LIKE PLAY SOME MOTHERFUCKING VIDYA GAMES.
James pressed the shit out of his computer monitor’s power button, but when it began displaying its LED pixel bullshit, it wasn’t Jason’s ordinary desktop background. It was a blurry-ass image of what looked like a town. There were some railroad tracks, and, you know, buildings and all the good shit that makes up a town. What happened next almost made Jason pick up a hammer and smash the fuck out of his computer. As quick as a flash, a giant-ass pink puffball just fucking appeared on his monitor out of Hoboken goddamn nowhere.
“Who the fuck are you?” Jason asked sternly.
“I’m Pinkie Pie and I’m gonna throw a party fo-“
“OH FUCK NO.”
Jason slammed his monitor screen-first onto his desk. He mumbled angrily while walking over to his bed. He was tired and he was confused. Fuck ponies, get sleep.
The next morning, Jason awoke to find a soft yellow and pink mass of God-knows-what laying on his bed next to him. The pink bitch from the previous night was sitting asleep in his desk chair. A blue and rainbow-esque pony, similar to the pink one was conked the fuck out on his couch, laying next to an orange pony who was also sleeping. Lazy free-loading bastards, they. Being too tired to realize what the hell was going on, Jason lazily stumbled over to his kitchen, where a white pony and a purple pony were laying side to side next to his coffee machine. He casually pushed them aside and poured himself a cup of black coffee. Jason need to wake the fuck up and find out what the shit was happening.
Little did he know that change had already found him.
After consuming several cups of strong, black, scalding hot coffee, Jason was starting to be able to think clearly. It was 11:00 and these little shits were still asleep. Jason wanted to wonder how they got into his apartment, but he figured he’d save questions for later. Jason was fed up with waiting. He gave a firm kick to the behind of the pink pony who was on his desk chair. She immediately screamed and woke all of the other ponies. Probably some people in China too. Disregarding how dazed and tired the ponies seemed, Jason pointed at his door and said…
“Get the fuck out.”
The ponies didn’t appear to want to leave.
“If you don’t haul your sparkling asses out of here right now, I’m going to make sure that you never walk again.”
At this point, the blue winged pony started taking offense.
“Who do you think you are, huh? Princess Celestia? I oughta’ make you regret ever meeting me!”
“Look. Bitch. I will end your miserable life. Don’t test me. I don’t know who the fuck your princess is, either, and I don’t really give a shit.”
The blue pony pondered this for a moment.
“Alright, guy, I like you. You’re pretty tough.”
Jason began to think. Maybe these ponies could be of some use to him.
“Alright, girls… I think you could help me with something. I’ll be right back.”
The ponies silently acknowledged this, and Jason entered his closet with a grin on his face. He came out wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans, but he was holding a sock. Filled with rocks.
“Let’s go.”
“Where are we going?” Asked the yellow pony that apparently had some sort of affection for James. It was sleeping with him.
“That’s not important. All that matters is that we’re leaving. Come on.”
The ponies didn’t dare argue. They knew that Jason wasn’t fucking around. They all left the apartment building and walked down the street. Jason was still carrying the sock. It wasn’t long until he heard voices behind him.
“Dude, look at this faggot and his pretty little pets!”
Jason’s lip curled up in a smile as he raised the sock. Jason turned around quickly and smashed the sock directly across the little prick’s face. He wasn’t sure if the noises he heard were the rocks coming together or bones breaking apart, but it didn’t matter. Being hit with rocks has got to hurt, and that’s just what Jason wanted. The ponies watched in horror, and the yellow one almost started crying, but they were even more incentivized to follow Jason now. After a ten minute or so walk, Jason stopped in front of a pretty shitty looking house. He knocked on the door and it was answered by the man who had threatened to kill him yesterday. He was silent but looked shocked to see Jason there again after almost dying. Jason again, smiled and raised the sock.
“Special delivery, motherfucker.”
The sock found a comfortable place on the man’s jaw, but the jaw didn’t feel the same way. It was separated from the man’s head with surprising ease. From behind him, Jason could hear silence, which was broken by crying, presumably coming from the yellow pussy. Jason turned around and walked away, with his bloody rock-filled sock hung over his shoulder.
“Uh, sorry, I hate to interrupt your… task… but how are we helping you, exactly?” Asked the purple pony.
“Don’t worry. You’ll be helping me in more ways than you’ll know about.”
Chapter 2: Shit Has Been Changed Up
Editor's Note: I apologize for the length of this chapter, but this isn't a fanfic to be taken seriously, and I don't really give a fuck. Enjoy!
Jason turned away from the group of ponies and back over to the body laying on the floor. He gave out a loud, satisfied cackle; however he quickly shut the fuck up after realizing that he had killed a man in cold blood. Nothing in his mind made him feel regret, and having the ponies around made him feel even more comfortable. He had thoroughly enjoyed his time with the tiny sparkly bitches, even if they did not. Jason turned back around to the ponies.
“Girls. How about you stick with me for a while?”
“Actually…” The blue winged pony asked. “We could use your help.”
Jason was interested.
“What do you need?”
The ponies all glanced at each other nervously.
“I’ll explain when we get back to your place.”
The 7 of them walked silently back to Jason’s apartment. Jason’s heart was pounding with angst and excitement. These things had visited him from Satan-knows-where, and he was prepared to do some kick-ass sock beating in pony land or wherever the little bastards came from. After they finally arrived at Jason’s apartment, they noted that the unconscious douchebag’s body had disappeared. There was also a visible, nay, fucking vibrant trail of blood in the direction opposite the one they had come. Jason unlocked his door, and they went inside.
“So, what happens now?” Asked Jason.
“Well…” Began the blue pony. “In our world there is a leader. And her name is Princess Celestia. Although, for some time now, she’s been facing incredible resistance from another creature. His name is Discord.”
“So, you want me to fuck him up?” Asked Jason, excited.
“Essentially, we need you to ‘defeat’ him. The method of doing it is up to you.” This time, the statement was coming from the purple pony with the sparkles on her ass.
“Although there’s one little problem.” Began the blue pony again. “We need something or someone to sacrifice to Princess Celestia. That’s our only method of inter-dimensional travel. Courtesy of Pinkie Pie.” The pink pony smiled and nodded.
“Wait, so all you need is something to sacrifice and we’re good? Consider it done as a dirty deed!” Jason ran upstairs with the sock. From downstairs, the ponies heard several hitting noises screaming, and something being dragged across the upstairs floor. Jason returned with his item for sacrifice. A dead apartment dweller with a bloodied mouth and mangled nose. “We ready?” He asked.
“Uh… that’ll work!” Exclaimed the blue pony. “Just lay him down by the big screen thingy that Pinkie came out of.”
Jason assumed that she meant the monitor, and dropped the sorry bastard’s body next to it.
“Now just leave it to us.” Said Pinkie.
The 6 of them gathered around the dead body and the monitor and chanted simultaneously.
“O csienrsp tcseliea! Nirgb tnou oyu ruo rhoe ojnsa the heqsuvnira of lvie! Gbinr froht na ned to stih medasns! Bginr fhort iscuejt grinb hortf cytvroi! Inrgb rtfoh iscujte!”
Nothing appeared to be happening. Jason thought for a moment that the ponies may simply be trying to fuck with him, but he dismissed the batshit crazy notion. The ponies knew that if they angered Jason, he’d smash their pretty fucking faces in. Jason raised one eyebrow, but the ponies attempted it once more.
“O CSIENRSP TCSELIEA! NIRGB TNOU OYU RUO RHOE OJNSA THE HEQSUVNIRA!”
Jason felt the ground start to shake. His vision was blurring and everything around him was beginning to turn red. Including the ponies’ pupils.
“GBINR FROHT NA NED TO STIH MEDASNS!”
The ponies voices sounded as though they were in G-Major. Every other part of their eyes turned black in color and their bodies were beginning to change to a shade of red. Jason could hardly see, and the ground was shaking furiously.
BGINR FHORT ISCUEJT GRINB HORTF CYTVROI!
Jason was losing consciousness.
INRGB RTFOH ISCUJTE!
With that, everything went white, and Jason lost all hope of being conscious.
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Chapter 3: Shit Has Never Been More Changed Up Than It Is Right Now
Jason lay unconscious for hours. As life forces finally found him, he slowly gained awareness of his surroundings. He felt as though he was as heavy as a fucking log. He couldn’t move his limbs worth shit, and his eyes were being pussies and not opening. He tried to awaken himself for what seemed like goddamned centuries, and could finally stand up. He stood, took a few steps and dropped to the ground like a cartoon character’s jaw. After falling straight on his ass, he slid several meters across the ground. Frustrated, he attempted to stand once more, but fell again on his nose. That shit hurt. His face’s contact with the ground was also met with a nasty-ass taste in his mouth. It reminded him of when he was a child and his mother would hear him curse. Jason jerked his neck upward, cracking it loudly. While trying not to scream like a little bitch, he held his neck up long enough to see that the roads and paths were covered in… soap.
“Soap? Are you fucking kidding me? This Discord guy must be an asshole.”
Jason had no option but to roll himself onto a patch of grass and finally stand the fuck up. He brushed himself off, but felt like a dumbass when he realized that you can’t brush off soap. He let his hands down to his sides and felt something hanging off of his belt. He looked down and found a pleasant surprise. His sock weapon from the previous day was tied around his belt. At least he felt that he could protect his pussy ass from Mr. Discord. He strolled along for a few feet, and was knocked down by something and it wasn’t soap this time. He stood up, brushed off the dirt, but no soap, and looked down at the ground to see the puffy pink bitch. At this point though, he was getting tired of calling her puffy pink bitch, so he settled on calling her Pink Pony. It was a nice name.
“It’s about goddamn time you found me. I’m supposed to be helping you defeat this Discord asshole, and you aren’t showing me shit.”
“Don’t be silly, we need to have a party befo-“
Jason took the sock off of his belt and raised it, gesturing to smack Pink Pony in her flamboyantly gay pink snout. She cowered in fear.
“Okay, okay! I’m sorry; I’ll take you to Discord!”
“You’re damn right you will.” Replied Jason, smugly.
The two walked, and for a small portion of the journey, slid to a small mountain with a chair on top of it. It was the best damn time of his life. Perhaps more fun than it should have been. Regardless, the two of them began the ascent up the hill, but they were interrupted by a deep male voice.
“Please, allow me.”
Pink Pony and Jason looked up at the sky and saw what looked like a very thin, small dragon. Once he landed, Jason noted that he was not a dragon, but merely had dragon wings. His body was comprised of a pony’s head, lion paws, and a snake’s body and tail.
“What the fuck are you?” Jason asked, almost worried.
“Ah, my apologies. It seems that we haven’t met. My name is Voluntarius Discord Pervideo. Although, you may call me Discord for short. I am a draconequus. I am also the world-renowned Spirit of Chaos. Enough about me, however, who is it that graces me with his presence today?”
“The name’s Jason. Jason McShullock.”
“The pleasure’s all mine.” Said Discord with a cocky, sarcastic smile on his face. He bowed momentarily, and then returned to his normal standing position.’
“It doesn’t seem as though a lot of people here are big fans of the shit you do. I’ve been told to put an end to it. Pink Pony, I think it’s best you leave.”
Pinkie Pie obliged, having great faith in Justin.
“Pink Pony?” Discord began laughing hysterically. “That’s a laugh! You know, Jason. You and I could have quite the… chaotic partnership going on here.” Discord suggested. “Come, follow me.” Discord put an arm around Jason’s shoulder and led him towards a large house.
Once inside, Jason marveled at the sheer beauty of Discord’s residence. For a demon god, he was fucking loaded.
“This is my abode. Feel free to make yourself at home. I’ll be right back.” Discord disappeared into another room. Jason kicked off his shoes by the door and sat down in a large puffy chair. He sat his feet up on a footrest as well. If his heels could orgasm, his socks would be dripping with semen. He sat there, his dick erecting from the comfort of Discord’s furniture, when Discord came back with two wine glasses filled with a yellow
“Here, have a glass. You like Chardonnay, don’t you?” Discord offered, happily.
“Alright, look pal. I don’t know what the hell you’re up to, but if you’re trying something that endangers me, you’d might as well be bathing yourself in acid.”
Discord laid the glass on a stand next to the chair Jason was sitting in, and walked over to his fireplace. He snapped a finger and a spark jumped from his paw, igniting the fireplace. Discord walked over to a chair facing Jason, took a sip from his glass, and raised an eyebrow at Jason.
“Let’s get down to business…”
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Chapter 4: Frozen Dildo Shit Gets Changed Up in The Ass of a Prostitute
So Discord and Jason were talking, and Jason realized something. Discord is classy as fuck. So Discord’s all.
“You should kill Princess Celestia.”
And Jason’s all.
“Potassium.”
“At the Gala, with the tyrant, is where I’m going to be!” He sang. “She would talk all about magic, but she’ll be fucking dead! It is going to be so awesome, when Discord rules all the land!”
So Jason gets to Canterlot, right? And he walks up to the door. The guards are all.
“Halt!”
So Jason kills them with his sock. Then he walks inside. He walks up to Celestia.
So Jason kills her with his sock. Then Discord lived happily ever after. Right after he kills Jason.
The End.