Caught In the Mind's Web

by CanterlotCrusader

Rating: teen
Tags: Princess Celestia, Slice of Life, Human, Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Romance
Length: 8359

Ever wonder how a place such as Equestria could have such peaceful and tranquil citizens for thousands of years? Well, not all of them are as happy as you believe. That's one psychologist's purpose as he finds he has no idea what he has got

After avoiding a after a terrible accident, I found myself in a strange new world. I have no idea why I ended up here, but I soon discover there are living creatures of many shapes and sizes in this new horizon. Many put up the facade of peacefulness and happiness in this, seemingly, perfect world. Just like back home. And like home, many are not even aware that they have problems until it is too late, even their heroes and leaders, but boy do they have problems. It looks like my career will flourish in this new world. Yet, I wonder....

Have I bitten off more than I can chew?
-----------------------------------
First story, would appreciate constructive criticism. If not, I will find you...and I'll ask again. One sided romance, comedy, looking into a pony's mind, a sad moment here and there, 1rst person. Put the pitchforks down. HiE. Now you can get them Up.

Published 2013-09-27 02:10:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-12 00:29:50 UTC

Prologue: The Return of the Revenge

~Tags: MLP, a bit of comedy, a bit of emotion/drama, Hie, looking deep into a character's psyche, one sided romance, slice of life/philosophy.
~ Be gentle and offer constructive criticism as this is my first fanfic. Hoping to improve skill and extend boundaries.

~Hasbro owns mlp and Lauren Faust thought of generation 4. None of their characters are mine nor do I claim them to be.

Our story begins like any other adventure, romance, comedy, thriller, action, crime, Godzilla story with Darth Vader and ponies... Exposition!

As I lay down here, completely confused as to my situation and trying to understand what happened, I try to recall my steps before making any rash decisions.

(*flashback*)

It is a chilling night on the seemingly endless road, a road that everyone drives on and could take you practically anywhere. They say the journey is the destination, well I never saw it that way. Maybe I should, now that the destination seems so unclear. They say there is something about the open road that gives man time to think and it was never more clear to me on that night. I think of these thoughts somewhat as my mental journal, something I do just to try and spice up life or make it seem more important. Where I was didn't really matter as much as where I was going.

I was an aspiring college graduate with 6 years of the best the American educational system could offer...so basically I had a 10% chance finding a job rather than 5%. Ah America!

Anyway, I had just finished my major in psychology with minors in other areas such as chemistry and philosophy. I was always dedicated to the pursuit of the human mind and education. I felt if you could be smart, be the smartest you could be. Plus there was something, as with all human beings, that drives us to be curious and go past our boundaries. That night, I was going to celebrate at a friend's party and spend the weekend with my parents, since they wanted to know what I was going to do in the future. That sort of triggered a flood of thoughts and worries from the reservoir I filled over the years.

"So this is it. My goal of college has been achieved and now I have a degree. Even after all the sleepless nights, the hard part hasn't even started. Loans are going to be a pain. Man, I hope I will actually be able to help people with my degree by the time I finish the loans. Just wish I could start soon."

It just happened on that day Murphy and his law heard my plight and rushed to help in his unique way. By his way I mean a drunk driver rammed into my car out of the void of night, while I was still thinking about the future.

I was sent flying in the air through the "windshield", correctly named as it only protected against air, which broke upon impact with the car. This sudden event gave me an otherworldly experience as time seemed to slow down. I forget to buckle up didn't I? Parents:1 Me:0

Moving on, I flew directly toward a tree off the side of the road.. Except when I was about to hit the tree, I phased through it. Somehow. It disturbed me as it felt like I was going through a tub of jelly. It was so weird and gross that it would take a deranged mind to actually stand through that experience. That, however, doesn't matter as much as the swirling vortex of darkness and ominous clouds that went past me, with me in the eye of this storm.

"A-am I dead? There was no way I survived the crash, right? Then where am I? Am I in purgatory or coma or something because a swirling black void was not on the brochure of the afterlife at church!" I thought in utter helplessness. Needless to say, I was a bit shaken. Unfortunately, my feelings would have to be put on hold as a light of pure radiance ended my journey into the cold unknown, filling me with a warming presence and a sense of security...only to have it taken away when I hit another tree.*Smack*

"#$@&^&*$$ son of *&**& with a god damn pig!" I screamed in frustration, my eyes shut in pain. (Spoilers, at the end of this journey, I would be sick of trees). Yet, for now, I had to figure out why I wasn't dead and what happened.

"Uhhh...man! Am I hurt? Can I get to the hospital in time? It feels as if I can still move and talk. Maybe I can call 911 if my phone survived too." I thought as adrenalin pushed me to think quickly to save my life. I reached for my phone and held my head to see if I was losing blood, to shockingly find that there was nothing, but a big bruise or two. I slowly opened my eyes to see what really happened as I found myself laying flat on a balcony. Not just any balcony, but a balcony to some sort of tree with windows. Could a tree really be a wise choice for a house? Maybe the economy was rougher than I thought.

"Wait a second, wasn't I in my car?" I thought as I examined the strange building, hard to do on this chilling night. I also tried to see over the balcony as to what neighborhood I may be in, but it was also hard as it seemed there were no streetlamps or anyone with their lights on, with only the luminous sky to guide my vision. The sky itself was utterly beautiful as I could actually see it, unlike back home. The moon was in a crescent shape while the twinkling lights of the night sky danced across the endless canvas, seemingly giving a sense of how vast the universe really was. As I forced myself to look away, I looked at my phone and saw I have no bars. No one can hear me now. Even if I had AT&T.

"Maybe I went into shock and am hallucinating. My phone has always had great coverage and there is no way anyone would turn off all their lights. I could just wait and see if anything weird happens like a creepy old guy saying 'WEST!'. Yet, if I don't do anything, my mind might think of it as giving up and I am not dying before the release of the Superman/Batman movie! Even Ben Affleck won't keep me from it!"

I started to get up slowly as the fear of not being in a coma could mean I was still injured, when I realize that I'm moving just fine, as if I was never hit by a car or, maybe, never hit a tree. *Foreshadowing*. Anyway, I peered into the glass door when I saw several rows of books, quills, and ink. By several, I mean there were more books here than angry followers of Miley Cyrus after that awards show. A. Lot. What got me most puzzled was the quills as I was sure no one used those unless they were a giant nerd or something, which the books let me know, was a safe bet.

"Hmm...maybe this is some sort of local library. It would make more sense than one person owning all these books. If I knock, maybe they might let me use their phone, assuming this is real." I thought aloud. I spent more time knocking and waiting than a Jehovah's witness until I just decided to see if it was open. It was. As I stepped through, using my phones light to look for a switch, I called out, " Hello, anyone in here? Sorry to be in here, but I'm kinda disoriented and may be in shock from a car crash. I would really appreciate it if you let me use your phone, please. Mine seems to have no signal."

I waited for a response, but nothing came. Good thing because I just realized coming in through the balcony seems like breaking and entering. Legal code aside, I realized that I haven't found a single switch in this place and instead, found a candlestick.

"Who's bright idea was it to put a candle in a tree house that seems to be a library? Smokey the bear's worst nightmare." I thought. Deciding not to be committed for arson as I had no optical mask nor copy of "Do You Believe in Magic?", I kept using my phone's light and saw that I am in a bedroom of sorts, possibly for a young teenager due to the size of it. I took note of that as I headed downstairs to find a phone. I'm not sure why exactly, but I felt uneasy. A feeling of dread, paranoia, and just chills went through my spine as if the dark void of the room held a creature of unimaginable darkness, waiting to have me in its clutches.

"It's almost as if someone wants to SELL ME SOMETHING!" I exclaimed as I whipped my head around, trying to discourage anyone tricking me into a time share. Seeing as nothing was there I calmed down a bit as I committed cliche#1: turning around.

What I saw will haunt me for life, more than the Bat credit card (maybe), as I saw two giant eyeballs staring straight at my soul, as if to say 'Does this look like the face of mercy.'

"Hoo." the terror called in a way that made me turn in my man card as I screamed like a little girl. Something, I normally don't do, mind you, because I do lift.

"Eeeeekkkk!" I screeched as I landed on my back. I saw the owl who just rustled my jimmies, observing me as if it were slowly calculating how to take me down faster than I could process. His plans would have to wait, however, as I swore I heard something outside.

"Wooo! That last adventure was so awesome!" a voice, that I would either distinguish as a rough female or very frilly male that liked to play pretty pink princess, exclaimed outside.

"'Awesome' would not be the dialogue I would use to describe this uncouth day, Rainbow Dash!" a very feminine and whiny voice stated in an almost British accent.

"What! Are your crazy! That was one of the best adventures ever!" a very high pitched, very fast talking voice just said. "I mean, did you see how those timberwolves just came out of nowhere with those bunnies riding them! Then there was that squirrel carrying that mask of unlimited evil, saying something about 'Akatosh', and then...(due to the fact no one can comprehend Pinkie Pie and just how much she says, we will be fast forwarding in and out till she is done)...skiing ninjas with crossbows...mushrooms that make you grow...and did you see what happened when Applejack accidentally bucked Rainbow in the fa-," the voice exclaimed and suddenly stopped.

"Now that's enough Pinks!" a southern voice exclaimed.

"You SO owe me some cider for that." this 'Rainbow Dash' mumbled.

"Don't be like that Dashie. You're just embarrassed that you cried over that for twenty minutes." a soft voice said in a way that suggested if she spoke more quietly, space would tell her to speak up. I heard very hearty laughter and a 'Hey!' after that last statement.

"Well, at least we were able to deal with it without being able to tell the Princess. We'll just inform her when Spike gets back soon from Canterlot. How about we go inside girls and I'll see what's in the fridge?" another voice informed. Meanwhile, I was just standing there like the dolt that the world deserved, but not the one it needed as I analyzed the conversation outside.

"Ninjas? Talking squirrels? Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash? Why are they talking about cereal or alcohol?" I thought as the sheer stupidity of the situation threw me off.
"Wait, are they coming inside?". Indeed they were, as the door handle was beginning to turn. "Damn, got to hide! Go to prison wasn't on the checklist."

I went to the nearest closet just as the door opened. I heard their steps rumbling very loudly as if they were wearing steel boots. I guessed they all gathered in the living room or something when the stomping stopped.

"Just got to keep my cool that I bought at the 99 cent store, and I'll see later if I can find a way out of here." I processed. Unfortunately, I felt something sharp sting my back as I slowly turn around again, as if I would ever learn.

"HOO." the owl stated in a masculine way that would make Clint Eastwood cry.

"Ahhh!" I shout as I fumbled out of the closet. Once I've realized what just happened, I turned around to meet my maker, but am surprised instead by 6 multicolored horses with the biggest eyes I have ever seen staring right at me. I could have sworn I saw wings and horns on a few of them.
(*flashback ends, time to upon the present*)

The room is silent as both parties stare at each other as if time froze. I decide that I have to make the first move.

"...Well...that escalated quickly."

Author's Note

Would really like constructive criticism because I have no idea what I am doing.
But hey, isn't that the point of life?

Edit: Hey, so obviously I have problems with second person. The next chapter is in first person, but it may have some errors because I originally wrote it as second person. I just need you guys to tell me if you like it better i. First or second. If it is first, than I'll rewrite the prologue a bit.

Edit, part dos: Rewrote in in first person and added a few details.

Ch.1 Your legacy!

Lauren Faust and Hasbro own MLP: FIM and all their characters.
I sense shenanigans.

(Side note: Changed to first person because it makes more sense.)

As that reference was obviously lost on these creatures, I was calculating my next move.
"There's no way this is real. These creatures look like if Morgan Freeman just went AWOL and used spray paint on some horses! Maybe if I... NO! I am not just going to commit one of the biggest cliches and think this is a dream. No matter how ridiculous, I can't start assuming anything until I'm absolutely sure." I think, as countless movies and TV shows have taught me better. "Ha, and they said no one would ever learn anything from too much TV." Parents:1 Me:1

"What the FLYING FEATHER is that!" cried a certain someone who seemed to be the incarnation of everything colorful and prideful. I could imagine what my friends back home would speculate about this horse's social life. She also seemed to have had a Redbull, judging by her wings.

"I don't know rightly what that is, but a'h ma hogtie it so it don't cause a ruckus!" said the silly sounding wearing a pretty cool hat. An 'I am going to walk away into the sunset,' kinda hat.

"Don't Applejack! We don't know what it is or what it's capable of. Just try to corner it until we can figure out what it wants." is what I thought the purple child hazard said (seriously, she could make a demoman with that horn). I wasn't sure as I had Princess Bubblegu- I-I mean 'Pinkie Pie' make it her mission to make me deaf.

"Oh my gosh! A new creature! This adventure just got 20% more fun! (Original phrase, DO NOT STEAL!). So, what are you Mr. Creature? You look like a minotaur, but with a different head. Does that mean your mom was a minotaur! I think I read that in a book somewhere, or do all minotaurs wears masks on their heads? If so, cool! I keep costumes of all my friends, but I don't tell them because they got really weirded out and asked me to get rid of them, which I took as rid myself of closet space since that was where I put them! But you have to pull the secret string inside the closet to get to the secret closet. Wait, are you an alien?! If so, can you wait a bit to go on an adventure? I need to get a new bike." said the creature, struggling to continue as she was turning blue from the lack of oxygen.

"DARLING, BREATHE!" shouted the white in a way that would make the Marines shudder. Finally, the living sugar rush took a breath and lay panting on the floor. "Darling, you must simply learn to pace yourself. You'll wear yourself ragged like always." she said as both me and Rainbow snickered (Grow up). "Also, I listened to what you said (Celestia give me strength) and I must insist that you get rid of those horrid costumes! My flank is much more well toned and healthily plump than that knockoff of a mare of my quality." TMI, dude. TMI. (Don't stare!)

"Yeah! And you better not have kept those other ones you used during Chrysalis's revenge scheme. When I say no, I mean no!" said Rainbow as me and the cowgirl, snickered. Sensing opportunity, I proved myself a true American and exploited it.

"Um... Girls."

"But Dashie, I spent hours on those!"

"I don't care! Burn them!"

"Girls."

"I have to agree with Rainbow. It's bad enough Spike makes and sells those figurines, but I'm not having somepony get inside me without consent." said the socially awkward purple one. Everyone stared at her while holding back their own laughs. Well, some of them. "What?"

"Um...if I could interrupt Twilight making fun of herself. If that's okay with you?" asked the living definition of adorable. "But our guest left during RD's and Pinkie's argument." Silence was working overtime when they all realized what happened. That and the possible glares that RD and Pinkie were receiving. Luckily, I didn't hear any raspy yelling or crying, so it wasn't the Bat glare. Meanwhile, I was making my daring escape, Indiana Jones style, which meant panting heavily with arms swinging wildly in the air, but with a theme song. The last thing I heard was a statement from Rainbow and the creepy pink one.

"I just don't know what went wrong." they both said.

Suddenly, far far away, two blocks from there, a gray pegasus woke up from her dream of being the muffin queen. She stared intently at the tree down the road.

"Pfft. Jealous much?" she said as she went back to bed.

I was running down through the streets as I got the heck out of ponyland. I really didn't have many options after the inspiration for Jeff Foxworthy said something about me in a rope. I didn't think she would be gentle to a first timer. As I reached the outskirts of the town, I peered back while still running to see if I was really safe.

"Phew! I'm not going down that easily." I stupidly said as I poked Murphy with a stick.*Smack*. I was laid back on the floor as, in my haste, I neglected to see the low hanging branch right in front of my face.

"I don't care if I'm whatever percent monkey, I'm going to chop down every tree I ever see in my life." I said in pain.

"Hoo." proclaims the understudy of evil. I saw the feathered nightmare sit on my chest staring at me with unsympathetic eyes. The entire experience, the pure terror, and the hit made me pass out cold. (Wimp)

I began to stir as the overwhelming scent of something delicious began to wake me up.

"Wake up."

"Mom, I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home and bake cookies with you!" I mumbled.

"Oh my gosh! Rainbow, your'e a mommy and you didn't tell me! Now I'm going to have to throw three parties for you, your bunndle of joy, and to cheer me up!....Wohoo! Three parties for the price of one!"

"Pinkie! I am not the mother of the creature! How would that even work?!"

"Well, I'm sure if I get some dna samples from both of you, I'll be able to make some flow charts that will..."

"Celestia's sake, not the charts again! GET UP!" shouted a not very nice, orange pony.

"Ahh!" I screamed in shock. I tried to get up, but was restricted by some unknown force as I saw myself sitting on a chair against my will. It appeared the horses (ponies?) had taken the oppurtunity to put me back in the library before I caused any more discord. I knew not exercising and nutella would cost me some day, but this was ridiculous.

"Calm down. No one is gonna hurt you." the purple pony says.

"We'll see." say both the orange and cyan stereotypes. They both recoil as the yellow one stares at them.

"Where am I?! Specifically! I want precise details! And what is holding me down?!" I said, past being shocked and now infuriated with having no answers. There is only so much I could take, even with my degree, and just wanted this experience to end.

"Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville, Solar County, Equestria, Terra Animalia, Hors..."says the purple one, but is cut off by the Cotton Candy.

"Jeez, Twilight. You act as if he's new here. We just met him a few minutes ago."

After a proper and necessary facehoof was committed, she continued with "Before I was interrupted, I'm keeping you restrained with magic." she explains as if it were nothing. Magic. Good luck with that.

"Magic? Are you serious" I ask skeptically.

"Well, yeah? Do you not like magic?" she asks a bit offended.

"No, I just don't believe that such a thing exists." I answered, not buying that absurdity.

"WHAT! How can you not believe in magic!" she says, her jimmies, if she was wearing any (weird), obviously rustled. The look she had, alone, would evaporate anyone's jimmies.

"I don't own a optical mask." I say casually, references flying in the air as no one could catch them.

"Magic is the fundamental reason why everything exits and is present in everything!" she exclaimed in pure shock. I considered two things. One, magic may not exactly mean the same thing on this world as it is on mine. They might speak English somehow, but the absence of human influence, which I gather from the fact they clearly don't know what I am, might affect the linguistic rules that their language followed. It could even be their religion or science of sorts. Second, I was talking to a purple unicorn pony with eyes so big they would make the CIA and KGB feel uncomfortable. Things may not be exactly the same here.

"Wow, you act just like Twilight when I told her about Pinkie Sense." said the fluffy pink pony.

"What does that mean?" I asked, trying to turn this interview around to my favor and asses the situation calmly without losing my sanity.

"Yeah, it was around the time she first came to Ponyville and was still adjusting to life here." she said, ignoring my question. "At first she was all disbelieving of it, like you, and tried to find out more. But soon enough, she came over to my way of thinking and believed in it too. It was a relief to get that out of the way, even if it did take a few accidents to get her there."

"Wait, accidents?" I asked, not liking the way that sounded.

"Yeah, accidents!" she said cheerfully, now answering your question. "Things like when she accidentally fell in a ditch, a piano accidentally fell on her head, my alligator swimming, accidentally, in her bathtub, a 7 story hydra attacking, and she even caught on fire!" the Laffy Taffy turned inspiration for Hitchcock, said as if it were just a Tuesday. I stared at her with utmost fear and terror, shuffling my feet away from the creature, as I looked to the others for confirmation.

"It's the honest truth." said the orange one.

"My great great grandfather died by gas attack during World War I. My great grandfather died by grenade in World War II. And now I will die at the hooves of an other dimensional, fluffy, pink pony with a dentist's wet dream turned reality, smile. I make your ancestors proud." I thought staring at the pink death with terror. They all facehoof, except her since she is probably going to enjoy what she might do.

"I think you are giving him the wrong idea Pinkie, darling." said Mrs. Stay Puft. "Let us start again. But first, where are our manners? We haven't introduced ourselves yet. I am lady Rarity. You may call me miss, lady, the fabulous, the generous, or the stunningly beautiful and humble Rarity." said the arrogant, yet admittedly, fabulous pony.

"Now that's why I am the element of Honesty." whispered the orange one as she received the death glare from the Rarity. Eghads! "I'm Applejack, owner of Sweet Apple Acres and a pony true to her word." she said happily. "Yet, I'm also the pony everyone can expect to protect her friends and family, so watch yourself!" she said, not as happily. Pick an emotion dang it!

"And I'm the coolest, fastest, awesomest, most radical, tubular,..." she goes on for a good minute as I was sure half the words she said were not real words. "...and BA for the most bodaciously awesome pegasus/ flier/ anything ever! But most call me Rainbow Dash for short!" We all groan in sheer exasperation and disbelief at the arrogance of this pony. If her friends did this too, even after knowing her, chances are me and her might not get along from time to time.

"Wow. You gotta get your autobiography narrated by Morgan Freeman. I'd buy it." I said with a chuckle. "Seriously, do you not get hired for jobs simply because they wouldn't read your resume and be fired for reading the dictionary on the job?" They all laughed at that joke as she blushes in embarrassment and anger.

"Why you little!" she says as she starts to go for me like she is going to strangle me to a slow death. Luckily, she is held back by a purple aura holding her tail. Strange. Put that in the cabinet file for later.

"Would you let go of my tails Twilight?! Seriously, one of you guys is gonna rip it off someday!" Rainbow proclaimed, her anger shifting away from me.

"Calm down Rainbow! It was just a joke!" Twilight says. What a stupid name. Ah well, can't be the worst name I've heard of. After Rainbow Brash is calmed down, Twilight says "Hello, I am Twilight Sparkle. Personnel protege to the Princess and librarian of the very establishment we set hoof under." she says proudly. While some of what she said might have been important, it was her name that made my mind work overtime.

"Sparkle. Twilight Sparkle?" I asked in utter disbelief and even more horrified than when Pinkie was going to Chainsaw Massacre my sorry life.

"Yes. That is my name. Do you not like it? Oh my Celestia! Is it offensive to your culture!? If so I didn't mean to! I know I'm not that social or good with others, but I can't fail the first contact between a possible new species!" the secret vampire exclaimed nervously and jittery. Apparently there was work for me in this land if she was the student of the 'Princess.' "If I fail, I could be sent back to magic kindergarten, or worse, the back of the class! I already lost one gold star for freaking out the first time. If I fail again I will have to take care of Roger and if I break him, then I will go to..." she takes a moment to gasp and recoil in fear, while I was afraid for what she might do and guilty for causing this, in a way. I also see all of her friends barricading themselves behind a tipped over table, except the yellow one and Pinkie Pie. Surely she wasn't going to explode or anything from stress right?

"Calm down Twilight, none of that is going to happen. I don't think he's offended. Unless you are, if so I'm sorry." she says motherly, yet also timidly.

"Yeah Twilight listen to Fluttershy and cheer up! It's not as if you restrained him against his will or let any of us threaten the possible alien we know nothing about!" said the denser than a dwarf star, pink pony. What was her lock combination? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5?

"Detention..." Twilight says fearfully. "I have been to Tartarus to lead Cerberus away from Ponyville and would pick that any day over detention." said the dramatic Twilight Sparkle, with better acting than your world's version. I decided then and there I would not allow the situation to be far more ridiculous than it already was. My hopes of it still being a dream were still alive.

"Look Ms. Twilight. I know we don't know much about each other and I can tell you are just nervous just like me, that's all. You have no way offended me and I was only skeptical with your name because it reminded me of a VERY BAD joke. I believe three times the charm here. Let us continue with introductions and see if we can move this encounter more speedily and organized." I tried to reassure her. She seemed to calm down a bit and even gets excited at the mention of organization. Bred at birth to take the mantle as Queen of the Librarians, Commander Shepard of books, and pony Batman of OCD, I see.

"Thank you. You're right. All we need to do is go at this more organized and we can all stay here, not relapse back into old habits, and take the icky medicine." she says with a too calm attitude after the Chernobyl of freak outs just happened, yet still wearing a crooked smile. She then goes to the basement to get some 'necessary materials' as she put it. All her friends give the most authentically exasperated sigh ever.

"I'm Fluttershy. I'm usually very shy, but I'm trying to be more assertive." she says staring right at eye level with me and with a look that says 'do you realize what you have done?' An coincidentally, she does say "Do you realize what you have done?"

"Oh well. Looks like we will be here a while." said the defeated hard liquor.

"At least I can give everyone the cookies I baked in the oven!" Pinkie said, still somewhat cheerful. Who thought it was a good idea to put an oven in this house?
"So, do you preferred to be chocolate chipped, raisin branded, or oatmealed?" she says, unaware of how that sounds. Is she like 10 or something or does age work differently here?

"uhh..." I say, not sure how to respond.

"I know Rarity always enjoys a good nutty one or two!" she says as almost everyone, except Rarity, starts laughing. Suddenly, Twilight comes back up the stairs (somehow) with the Mt. Everest of scrolls and quills.

"Sorry, I haven't had time to get more supplies, but I'll go the first thing in the morning!" she says too cheerfully. You expect there to be enough paper to write the Bible, Pride and Prejudice, Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the U.S. tax code, a DMV manual, and Green Eggs and Ham for flavor. Twice.

"...is it too late to say I'm offended?"

Author's Note

Tried first person. Don't know how to feel about it, but that's probably because I had to redo the copy I had and turn it into first person. I'll let you decide!

Edit: Prologue now first person, so it's consistent now.

Ch. 2 Don't need it!

Apparently, it was too late, as I was facing Twilight across the desk, still restricted by 'magic.' Her mountainous pile of paper painstakingly organized, as if she would be ready to be mummified in them. Probably so she could write after death. Needless to say, my body was not ready.

"Researcher: Sparkle, Twilight, L. Environment: Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville,... Subject: First contact and information gathering of a new species. Comment: Gold star here I come!" said Twilight, for the most part, as a DMV secretary, but then became a giddy little school girl at the end. My eyes would roll out of my head if I didn't need them to keep an eye out for the owl.

"Okay, I'm going to ask you a series of questions and then I will write your answer for further reference and research, okay?" she asks me, as if she gave me a choice.

"Only if we take turns answering questions. I would like to know as much as I can about where I am." I reply calmly on the outside, yet on the inside my mind was running around trying to figure out everything and only remember the important things as I slowly went insane. Things like breathing and fine dining, for example.

"Fair enough. First question: What is your name and what is your species called?" she asked with a sparkle in her eyes.

"Well, my name is rather long and hard to say. It's..." I start while a rooster crows, signaling it was close to morning. "...but everyone calls me Grant." I finish as they seem perplexed at my real name, though I couldn't blame them. "As for my species we are called humans or homo sapiens in scientific terms." Rainbow failed to suppress a laugh when I gave the scientific name. Ha! Irony. Meanwhile, Twilight writes it down as if I have given her the meaning of life... or the release date of Half Life 3. Same thing.

"My turn. How are you able to write all that?" I inquire. "Don't just say magic! Explain to me what exactly it is."

"That's it. I'm out." replied Rainbow Dash as she flew towards the door. The rest followed suit.

"Where are you girls all going?" asked Twilight, apparently shocked that her friends would be so bold. Well...most of them.

"I have to feed m'ah family and work for a living, sugarcube. We ain't got time to hear another lecture about magic, since most of us won't be able to use it." replied Applejack. Apparently, she was the 'element', as she put it, of brutal honesty. Like, the news wouldn't even be able to put it on T.V. because it would be SO BRUTAL!

"Bluntly as she said it, Applejack is right darling. We already lost two days of work to stop the dynasty of swamp ducks. They were such majestic creatures." she replied. Wait...what? "I have a huge amount of orders to catch up on AND I'll have to make it up to Sweetie Belle for missing her audition for the school play. 'I'm sorry, but I have to save the world again' isn't working anymore and I can't resist her adorable act. She, obviously, has spent too much time at Fluttershy's." she stated melodramatically, as I wondered if Sweetie Belle was her daughter *foreshadowing*.

"Sorry...I'll stop being adorable, even though I don't know when I started, if that's okay with you." responded Butterscotch. Sorry, Fluttershy. I got confused because she was so damn sweet and adorable. And yellow.

"No, darling...you can't." responded the extravagantly jealous and sad Rarity, in a tone that suggested that she wished she had a inch more sweetness.

"Girls, I promise that I will make my explanation brief for our visitor and promise to reimburse you for your time lost if you stay." begged Twilight with eyes that would make a puppy shoot itself.

"How in the hell did her eyes get even BIGGER! Any more adorable and I might snuggle these ponies." I thought, amazed. *foreshadowing* (Wait, what?!) *Nothing*.

"...fine. We'll stay. I am the element of loyalty after all." Rainbow responded proudly.

"She was the first one to leave her friend alone with a male creature no one knows anything about, in a secluded area, with only paper as her protection. Yeah, and I am the element of subtlety. " I think, seriously questioning how good 'freinds' these ponies really were.

"Can you answer the question already?" proclaimed Pinkie. "The text is getting stale and I want to have more dialogue." We all stared at her in confusion as I question if she is Deadpool's feminine side.

"I have chimicherrys and cherrychangas back in the fridge I want to sink my teeth into!" said a certain someone. Yup, Deadpool.

"Moving on, magic." transitioned Twilight, quite poorly I might add. "Magic actually comes from the atmosphere of the planet. You see, the core of the planet is actually filled with an intense magical energy that can go through all types of matter." she explained. "Eventually, animals began to absorb the magical energy and some actually absorbed enough that it gave them the power to harness it using their brain cells and its magical current. Some ponies were closer to the mountains, often near volcanic hot spots or deep caves. These became Unicorns. Some of the energy from the magical magma went into the air and spread to ponies, giving them wings. These are known as Pegasai. Other ponies, who had prolonged contact with the earth, gained a natural ability to grow, use the earth, and be more creative than other ponies. Oh, magic also made them stronger, even though no one knows why. These are called Earth ponies." she elaborated, but was cut off by Rarity, who told her to breath as well. Rarity must be the glue that keeps this group together. Actually...that joke may not pass over so well in this crowd.

"Hmm. So, magic has a radiation like property? Could I just assume that magic is an element man has not yet discovered? Wouldn't surprise me as some planets are devoid of some elements we find common, plus we made our own elements, so it could be possible. I think she may be confused a bit, though. Its electric currents that run through the brain, not an element. Yet, it seems their species has undergone evolution of sorts. I don't believe magic changed them, but rather, influenced their environments that it made them have to adapt to survive. The strength of the Earth ponies may be due to having to work the rough ground to eat food. Ground influenced by 'magic'. Thus adaptation gave them stronger legs to dig and till. Their characteristics are based on their cultural progression and needs of their society. " I hypothesized. Unfortunately, I said that aloud and realized this only when I saw them all staring at me like I figured out evolution. Wait...dang!

"That..what...did you..." starts off Twilight, struggling to find her voice. That is until she says "I'm talking to an alien with possible knowledge from another world and a logical process." She brightened up immediately and said "Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Imagine all the books I could fill about this new world with all its knowledge!" while skipping rather adorably in a circle. That's it I'm hugging these things first chance I get.

"Settle down there Twilight. We need to get back to questioning." said the orange killjoy. Another goal to add to the list is steal her stetson. I must haves it. The precious.

"Sorry got carried away there for a second." she said while blushing. How she could blush, I'll never know. "Now then. My next question is how are you able to live on a world without magic? You make it seem as if doesn't exist. Don't you need it?" She questions.

"Well, many people on my world claim to be magicians or practice magic, but those are usually just tricks and hoaxes. My people believe, mostly, in science and we have never found any sign of magic." I reply. "As for how we exist without it, we just don't need it." She remains dumbfounded at the mere thought of no magic, her life seemingly losing a bit of meaning that day. And what did I do to help? I trolled her.

"But what about lighting your homes?"

"Electricity. We don't need it."

"Protecting yourselves against wild animals?"

"Guns. Don't need it." I reply with a wave of my hands. Apparently I just can't take my ass off the seat, so nothing new. At this point she is flabbergasted. She may not know what those were, but the fact that I had an answer right away and said them calmly showed her that we did have solutions to these problems.

"Controlling weather? Medical solutions? Setting the sun and moon?" She asked hysterically.

"Well, I don't believe you can set the sun and moon or control weather. We have our own medical expertise and we have progressed with science as a means of evolution. So basically, don't need it." I reply with a smirk, clearly enjoying rustling her jimmies.

"Stop breaking Twilight!" said Pinkie Pie. "It's really hard to pick up the pieces once she breaks down. It harshes the mellow, you know." I wonder if they have drugs in this world? Pinkie probably owns all of it.

"You know what, no." says Twilight, taking deep breaths and making a really offensive gesture with her hoof. "I have more control than that and I don't want to take the medicine. Let's move on to your next question so we can all rest for a while."

"Fine. Who is in charge of this land and what type of government is in place?" I asked, wanting to avoid any mistakes of culture.

"Well, Equestria is lead by Princess Celestia and her sister, Princess Luna. They raise the sun and moon, respectively, and are alicorns. I guess you could call it a diarchy since they co-rule the land, at least recently." Twilight lectures with pride. I had some follow up questions that needed to be asked.

"First off, what are alicorns? Secondly, do they really move the sun and moon or are you just trolling me? Finally, what do you mean recently?" I inquire. However, Twilight looks offended and almost depressed as she tries to cover her face, and oddly, her body with books and parchment.

"...Do you really think I'm ugly and fat?" she says with a tone that breaks my unmanly heart. Scout would be laughing at me if he wasn't busy crying at Rainbow Dash.

"HOW DARE YOU!" Her friends all say. Oh shit, I did two of the worst things a guy can do. Criticize a girl and get her friends to not like me. Have mercy.

Meanwhile, a simultaneous ripple spread across every male on the planet. Every male, either working the fields or writing reports stopped in their tracks at a sudden feeling in the place that does all the thinking. They all looked onward toward the epicenter of the ripple with a sad and understanding face.

"I know that feel bro." was all that was said as everyone went back to their day, as another casualty was lost to the worst war of all time and space.

After I was mauled by Twilight's friends, they gave one chance to apologize before, and I quote, 'give you the stare,' 'buck you to next Tuesday and buck you back to last Wednesday,' 'make it so that RED will clash with your wardrobe,' 'not give you cake,' (that one hurt me most since It brought up bad memories about not having cake) and last of all, 'do a Sonic Rainboom straight up my...,' well I don't want to think about it.

"Allow me to explain!" I say in a desperate attempt to escape judgement....and prepare my body. "Trolling in my world means 'are you joking,' 'are you just trying to make me mad,' or 'are you trying to rustle my jimmies.' "My explanation calmed them down somewhat, even Twilight. Rarity did, however, wonder what were 'jimmies.'

"Sorry about that. I lost control of the situation ...again." she said with an exasperated sigh at the end. "To answer your questions, alicorns are ponies of unbelievable magical power that also have all the traits of the three pony races. They are also bigger than ponies, but don't say that to the princesses, since the last stallion who said that...actually I don't know what happened to him. Princess Celestia said something about top stallions. Top. Stallions." she recalled. Don't call her fat, got it. "Anyways, every pony has a cutie mark that gives them a special 'boost,' you could say. For example, my cutie mark is magic, meaning I'm better with magic than most ponies due to my natural ability, studying, and boost from my mark. Applejack's mark deals with apples, so it gives her extra strength to buck apples. Since the princesses have the sun and moon as marks, it means they are the only ponies that can move the sun and moon since it is their unique ability." she educated me, better than my college professors I might add.

"Hmm. So marks can show off one's special talent as well as enhance one's abilities. I was wondering what were those tattoos on their ass...ets. Not that I wanted to look." I pondered intelligently.

"As for recently....that's a longer story." Twilight said.

"Well, I'm running on your time so I'm ready to hear it." I reply. She sighs with a somber tone.

"Okay, let me go to the beginning..." she starts.

"Wanna play tick tac toe Rarity?" Pinkie asks.

"Oh. IT. IS. ON!" Rarity says with makeup that makes her look like she is about to slay Ares himself.

350 games later

"I can't believe you won 350 games in a row....best of 701." Rarity said with a chipper tone.

"And that's the history of Equestria, Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Sombra." Twilight explained, not noticing that two of her friends had fallen asleep, two were playing tic tac toe, and Fluttershy was playing referee.

"So basically, this nation was born out of some sort of threesome in a cave, the princesses put down Q, Sombra became a politician, and Luna went through puberty and tried to take over the world. Seems legit." I summarized in my head.

"One last question before we decide what to do with you." she begins. "How did you get here?"

"Huh. I personally thought that would be question one." I replied honestly. She rubbed a hoof on the back of her head, signifying that it should have been the first question. "I get it. You were just so amazed by my unmanly behavior and my apparent fear of birds that you had to find out how a monkey, with fairly good fashion sense and ocean blue eyes, could talk."

"*Snort* That was a delightful jest." replied the not so subtle, but magnificent Rarity. How would she know? I've only seen one of them wear a hat as far as clothing goes.

"Uh...no! No, no, sorry! I really didn't mean to say that and I don't think your a monkey per SE. Perhaps a chimp..." she comments. Ooof, that hurt me where I live. "Also, I'm sure you have beautiful blue eyes that are really hard to miss and makes hu-man girls like you, but..."

"Twilight." I cut her off.

"Yes?" she replies.

"My eyes are green." I reply with only a smirk adorning my face.

"..." says Twilight blush. Convincing argument, but I offer a rebuttal. I laughed my buns and thighs off at the expense of the adorable purple unicorn with a school girl blush, getting redder by the second I might add. My slaughter of all things adorable would have to wait as the door was slammed open with a lizard at the foot of it, trying its best to look brave. Failing I might add.

"Don't worry! I'll save you!" says insurance gecko.

"Spike! You don't need to save me! Grant isn't..." she started, but had a look of irritation as Spyro went straight towards Rarity. "Should have seen that coming..." she said.

"Don't worry my sweet." he said as he held Rarity in a loving manner, with the victim of my utter ruthlessness having a puzzled and surprised expression. "I saw this creature terrorizing your heavenly presence and decided that you needed a strapping, young dragon to save the day."

"Spike, darling, I wasn't..." Rarity begins, but is cut off by 'Spike' as he places his fingers on her lips. A dog's name. Really?

"Shhh. It's alright, don't speak. It won't be long now before the Princess responds to my letter and brings the guards. Rest assured, though. I would never let you be hurt." says the obviously love struck kid as he tries to woo a girl. probably, fifteen or twenty years older. He's got swag, I'll give him that. Though 'swag' is not necessarily a good thing.

"Wait, did he say the Princess and guards." I realized. Suddenly, there was a boom outside as I heard many stamping of, what I presumed, hooves.

"Abomination! We have the place surrounded! Come out and put your appendages and other useful anatomical features, up!" replied random male voice number 69.

"Oh ssss...

Author's Note

I liked this chapter. I started it with the new format.
Next chapters might be less funny and more deep as I look at human nature in all its essence...but first I'm gonna eat my Happy Meal!

Comment, like, subscribe, follow, tweet, poke...oh wai that's not right. Read, enjoy, and provide feedback plz. Also, does anyone get that reference?