Everyday adventures: Her majesty's service.

by a guy with many hats

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human
Length: 16496

Well it was either this or the Met. I moved to Equestria about a month ago and applied to be part of the first human guard regiment. Still beats dealing with chavs all day.

Well it was either this or the Met, and to be perfectly honest, I'd rather be unarmed in a land of creatures without fingers than surrounded by chavs and criminals. My name's Tomas, applicant to join the royal guard. It's a strange job, but it's still better than dealing with the weather.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-04 19:56:10 UTC

Monday

*BWAP* "Jesus Christ!" I fell out of bed onto the floor, my sheet falling over me, "What tha fuckin hell!?"

"Aha haha!"

I pulled the sheet off me, Kim was leaning over holding her gut, "KIM, What tha fuck!?"

"Oh geez, your bloody face!" She started laughing again while I stood up.

"Kim what the hell was that!?"

*BWAP* I flinched and almost tripped on the sheet, "-Aha....it's just an air horn, calm yourself."

"Fuck!" I kicked the sheet away, "God dammit Kim, I thought you'r done with that shit back in fucking Kent!....Christ!" She busted out laughing again, "It's not funny Kim! Ya scared the shit outta me!"

"...Ya might want to check yourself...your nobs out," I looked down and sure enough I had managed to stick out one of the legs of my boxers

"Jesus...why'r ya still in here!? GET OUT!" I quickly tucked myself away and pushed her out.

"Oi you're the one who asked me to wake ya up! Don't you have stuff to do today!"

"Oh shit...the bloody assignments," I quickly got dressed and hurried out into the entry, "Next time just tap me on the shoulder or somthin, the horn was fuckin unnecessary." I grabbed an umbrella and headed out, needed to get to the guard barracks quick.

"There you are, they're about to start!" One of the other trainees was at the door, "Come on," He held the door and I hurried in, the entire population of the room watched us walk in.

A blue haired stallion broke the silence, "Gentlemen...take a seat," We looked around awkwardly and took a pair of seat in the back, "Now that everyone is here...you have all passed basic training, next will be the decision on which branch to join: The Royal guard, or the night guard, each and every one of you will spend two days shadowing members of each guard. Listings will be posted once we're done here, any questions?" A few anxious moments passed, "Good, listings are as followed: Marcus Arac - Night guard, Jason Mars - Night guard...." The list went on, "Hannah Ulgric - Royal guard, Tomas Eldridge - Night guard,"

"Oh god dammit," I moaned slamming the table in front of me.

"...Mr. Eldridge is there a problem,"

"Ya there is, you let the fuckin scouser go with the regular shift, but ya send me to the bloody graveyard shift!?"

"Oi calm down ya south English twat!"

"Fuck you scouser!" I stood up and threw my chair back, "You wanna start shit you squeaky voiced shit?!"

"Both of you calm down!" The Captain slammed his hoof on his podium, "You will be shadowing each of the guard branches this week...this is simply who you will follow first, you would know that if you paid attention," I froze for a few seconds before sitting back down, "Now....Mauser - Royal guard..." The list went on, " Vernor - Night guard, now..." She shuffled some papers with his horn, "Several guards are waiting in the training field, they will be picking you and having you shadow them as they work for two days, after those two days you will be picked by a member of the opposite guard....you're all dismissed to the yard," There was a quick shuffled before everyone cleared out into the yard, it was a large rectangular field bordered by a track and some training equipment.

"Oi English!" A nasaly voice cut me off mid though, I turned to face three men, "Heard ya had some problems with ma friend here," He shurgged towards the scouser.

"Oh great...a scouser had to call his Welsh friend to come baby him....and who the fuck are you?" I pointed to the third.

"Nona ya fuckin businss!"

"...oh for fucks sake, so not only did you bring a sheep shaggin Welshmen with ya, you brought a fucking half drunk Glaswegian with you, you're a sad fucking lot ain't ya?" I turned and started walking away only to have the Glaswegian catch my arm and pull me back, "You wanna start shit you dumb Scot prick!?" I threw his arm off and backed away from the group.

"I'm sick of your shit!" The scouser ran over and tried to punch me, I leaned back dodging and slammed my forehead into his nose.

"Scouse shithead! My dad was from Manchester, I'm used to dodging punches, especially one from some dandy, Welsh bordering, scouser pussy!"

"Hey! What's going on here!?" A guard ran over, the Glaswegian started to slink off, "What did you do to him!?" The guard pointed at the crying scouser on the ground.

"Fucker took a swing at me, so I put him on tha ground!" I said pointing to the downed prick.

"He tried to hurt you...." He took another look at the weak, sobbing scouser, "I need you to come with me," He started walking towards me.

"Dust, it wasn't him," A night guard glided over and quickly folded his wings, not to be weird but it was quiet beautiful, "I was watching them the whole time, he did instigate it," He took a step between me and the Welsh twats, "and to be honest I think this just about settled their disagreement..."

The other guard looked skeptical but eventually went to help the scouser, still crying on the ground, "....Thanks..." I said as the night guard turned to me.

"Branch?" He said walking past.

"Oh uh....night guard," He looked back once before trotting off.

"Follow me," He said calmly walking onto the track, "Let's see if you can put that energy of yours to good use," He poised himself to jog down the track.

"Uh....really? I mean...whatever..." I stood next to him on the track, "Just...slow up, I cant run for shit in jeans..."

"Better learn," He started off down the track with a decent speed, It took me a few moments before I caught up with him and matched his pace, "So what was all that back there?"

My breathing was already slightly ragged "huh- oh- the dumb bastards- back there? Just a bit-  of regional- rivalry- and the fact that he's a fuckin scouser-" He looked over at me rather critically, "Don't believe me?"

"No I believe you, you just swear quite a lot,"

"Right...sorry, dad was kinda- heavy handed- in teaching me- that kinda stuff-" I Grabbed my side "Phew...that stuff- tends- to stick-" I started to lag behind.

"Tired already?" He asked slowing slightly.

"Huh- no...just wasn't expectin to go for a jog right after headbutting a scouse shithead. Then again it's still not the weirdest stuff I've done in the place,"

"Ok then...name?" He stopped a few feet ahead of me.

"Tomas Eldridge," I said stopping as well.

"Well Mr. Eldridge, my name is Libra: Night guard captain."

"Oh shit...." I looked around, "Well...I guess this's been an interesting way to get fired..."

"Fired?"

"I'm not fired? After all that?" I pointed back to where the scuffle took place.

"Why, because you defended yourself, albeit in an overly aggressive way. I had no idea those were grounds to be fired," He said sarcastically.

"...this is a joke right? Like you're gonna tell the head captain about this once I leave aren't ya,"

He looked at the ground, "Shining armor is a pompous ass, and even though my records are ten times better than anyone set to replace him I'm still not a candidate, why would I tell them anything?" I was slightly taken aback by his spite.

"...so you don't like the guard?" I said stepping back.

"The royal guard treats us like crap, so yes you could say I don't much care for them," He noticed his posture had slumped over angrily and righted himself, "Ehem....at any rate, meet me around six sharp, guard HQ, Shift is from six to twelve, after that you're free to go," He started walking off, "Do not be late,"

I was left standing in the middle of the track dumbfounded, "Huh....well that was....unique,"

Five fifty seven...five fifty eight..."Mr. Eldridge.." Libra trotted over fully adorn in his uniform, "You're early,"

"By like a minute..." He shoved a bundle of cloth in my hands.

"Go get changed, use my office," He pointed down the hall, "The one marked Libra,"

"No...I thought'd be the one marked bunny...." I hurried down and went into the room, I unfolded the uniform, it looked like the foot patrol uniforms back in Kent, black slacks, a pale blue collard shirt, a black coat and a french kepi. "Bloody hell....do I need the stupid hat?" I eventually decided it would be better to wear it and ask later.

"Ready?" I sauntered back to Libra.

"I guess...the outfits stuffy as hell..." I pulled at my collar.

"...do try to avoid swearing around the princess...." He started off down a hall.

"Wait...princess?!" I ran after him.

After a short walk we were waiting at the throne room, myself and Libra positioned to the right of the throne while another guard stood to the left. After a short silence the doors at the end of the room swung open and in walked a tall navy alicorn, "Remember...be professional," Libra whispered as she approached. As weird as this might be to say given the different species she was really quite a sight. Needless to say long legs are attractive universally.

She trotted to the throne and stopped when she saw me, "Who is this?" She trotted over in front of me and looked me over. After a few seconds of scrutiny she stepped back, "Why are you here?"

I swallowed the lump that had built in my throat, I snapped to attention "Tomas Eldridge: Guard Trainee, I am accompanying one of the night guard as part of my training!" It was a pain to speak proper but I felt it was worth it.

She looked me over once more before glancing at Libra and back to me, "Very well," She turned and sat in the throne. I let out a silent sigh and relaxed my posture, "Libra anything to report?"

"Nothing mistress,"

"Good, Orion any appointments?"

"No, my mistress,"

"....Mr. Eldridge," I snapped upright and froze, "Come to me," I looked over to Libra who quickly gestured for me to go. I quickly stepped rigidly to the steps of the throne, "I have met a few of your kind, tell me; what land do you hail from,"

"A small town in Kent, England, part of the United Kingdom ma'am!" She cocked her head at me slightly.

"Is it normal for people from Kent to shout?" She asked returning to her normal posture.

My eyes started darting around the room, "Uh...no ma'am...I just...."

"I understand, I too had trouble adjusting to life in Equestria as well. How have you found our fair kingdom?"

"Uh....nice? I'm not sure this is how my training is supposed to work...." She glanced offhandedly at Libra.

"Libra, do you see issue with the current situation?"

"No mistress,"

"Then there is no reason to be worried," She said propping her chin on a hoof.

"Uh....I...alright this is bloody strange..." I lost my composure completely, "I mean...is this normal? Ta be chatting with royals instead of being out on patrol?" I caught a quick glare from Libra, "I mean...no offense but it feels wrong," The princess raised an eyebrow.

"This is the usual duty of a palace guard, especially one of my night guards, " She stood and walked over to meet me face to face, "Most nights are simple conversations with my guards, not many wish to consult with myself as they would my sister," She narrowed her eyes and got in my face, so close that I could feel her breathing on my neck, "Do you feel the same, that I am....scary?" I had subconciously leaned back and looked off to the side, only daring to glance at her for seconds at a time.

"...scary....no....intimidating....ehhhh...."She realized how close she had gotten and took a step back, still close, but a civil distance, "Sorry if I'm comin off as rude...VIPs are usually seen as...unapproachable, at least where I'm from,"

She looked shocked for a moment, "Libra! Am I...unapproachable?"

"No mistress!"

"But the human said-"

"Mistress...you...you are rather imposing," The guard to the left eeked out.

She looked hurt, like I had caused a crack in her heart, "Ma'am..." I broke the silence, "Simply put...people tend to get a little....nervous, around pretty women in positions of power....*cough*....ma'am..." I took a step back.

She looked even more shocked with a slight blush on her cheeks, she quickly covered her face and sat back in her throne, the girls that saw me through immigrations did love my accent..."Mr.Eldridge, please step forward," I hesitantly complied, standing at attention at the bottom of the throne, "You believe I am...pretty?" I froze in place, my eyes shot open wide, and I could feel my manhood shrink in fear. The next few words might very well kill me.

"...."

"Mr.Eldridge?"

"...."

"Mistress I think he-" I slowly felt myself go light headed and tip back.

"Mr.Eldridge?" I slowly regained consciousness, my view obstructed by the princess and two guards looking over me, "Mr.Eldridge are you feeling well?" The princess asked levitating me to my feet.

"Whau~ Oh man....oh shite...I locked my legs didn't I?" The guards took their places again while the princess took a few steps back towards the throne. I hand moved about a half meter back from where I was.

"....Mr.Eldridge, do you remember what we were speaking of?" I perked up again, "Are you unable to answer, or unwilling," her tone shifted to one of accusation.

"What!? No I- ....remeber what I said about pretty women..." She wasnt buying it.

"Answer me! Do you find me "pretty" She asked stepping towards me.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! "Yes ma'am!" I blurted out taking a step back, which she quickly countered.

"What about me?" She slowly advanced on me with me in a shattered retreat.

"Your legs!"

"What else!?"

"Uh...your shoes! You have a beautiful mane!" It sounded like I was pleading.

Something caught my foot and I fell on my back, she was quickly standing over me, front hooves around my head. It felt like my heart was going to burst, "Anything else!?"

I quickly ran through a list of phrases that might save my ass, "You have a beautiful coat, someone could get lost in your eyes, your extremely regal, and ya have an extremely cute face!" She only narrowed her eyes and pressed her forehead against mine, "Please don't kill me..."

She just leaned further down and softly bit the tip of my nose, "A loyal subject indeed," She gave a quick smile before trotting back to the throne. This gave me a chance to look around, she had chased me down about fifteen meters down the throne room.

I looked up to see Libra slowly approaching, "I'm not sure what just happened!" I said sounding rather panicked. Libra just shook his head.

He helped me to my feet, "It would seem you've made a good impression, for the idiot that you obviously are."

"Hey...."

He just rolled his eyes, "You did fine...maybe too well if you wanted to avoid attention...." I shakily took my placed to the right of Libra. The rest of the night was spent telling minor stories and explaining stuff about Kent to the princess with the occasional odd glance or loaded question.

Eventually I was reviled and I hurried home, leaving my clothes in Libra's office, "Kim's never gonna shut up about this..."

"Aww...that's cute," Kim said leaning over the couch, "Sound's like little Tommy has a girl fawning over em,"

"Kim, shut it! Christ....I blame tha fuckin accent! You're lucky men don't get all ohhh ahhhh over your fuckin accent!" I threw my shoe next to the door, "Christ...."

"Oh calm down, Tomas, I think it's adorable ya finally have someone that like's ya," She said in her evil bitch sarcastic tone.

"Oi Kim you shut your bloody mouth....oh wait, th'aint the best part, she's one of the bloody royals..." She looked shocked.

"A royal fell for ya? Did ya drug her first!?"

"Ya shut your fuckin mouth Kim!" I tossed my other shoe at her, "Always such a sarcastic bitch!" I stood up quickly, "Screw you....I'm go'in to bed," I unbuttoned my shirt and tossed it in the hall. I threw myself back on my bed and quickly passed out.

I pulled off a perfect bicycle kick into the goal, "Suck it Collin!"

"You've beaten me!? HOW!?" He fell to his knees.

"Fuck you Collin, this time I win!" I heard something rustle in the bushes, "Tha hell is that?" I turned back around only to find Collin missing, "Collin, the hell is this?"

"Mr.Eldridge," I turned finding a large out of place alicorn chest to chest with me.

"JESUS!" I fell back landing on the soft grass, "Luna!? What is this!?"

She didn't answer, she just folded her legs next to me and laid her head on my lap, "Tell me more about why you think I'm pretty," She looked up with lazy, pleading eyes.

"uh....."

"Please," She stared me down, like I said someone could get lost in there.

"I....." I could feel myself getting excited by her presence on my lap, ".....you have-"

"Whua~ what the hell?" I woke up and looked around, an odd feeling close to me, "Tha hell is....OH WHAT TA FUCK!?" I reached down my pants and sure enough there was need to change, "Mother fucker! Not since I was fourteen!" I jumped out of bed and quick changed, "God dammit...."

Tuesday

"Oi Tomas, time to get up!"

"Huh~?" I lifted my head up and was immediately smacked back down, "AHUGHR.....why!?" My hands found my pained face within seconds while I could hear Kim cackling off to the side, "Kim!? Tha fuck is wrong with you," I shifted to sit off the side of the bed, "I mean first the fuckin horn, now you're just hitting me!....Christ...." I got to my feet, "Get out..." I hazily pushed her out and got gathered up the uniform. It smell slightly but I don't think anyone will notice. Once I was dressed I went into my kitchen and quickly ate something, our next meeting wasn't for a few hours.

I stepped back into the guard HQ, place was busy getting ready for the changing of the guard, "Mr. Eldridge," Libra walked over, "You're early again."

I scratched the side of my head, "There ain't much for me to do at home...besides I thought you'd like to see me early," He just walked past, "What?"

"Nothing, just follow me," He walked towards the throne room, taking a hard left before we reached it, "It's been to long since I went on a standard patrol," He pushed the door open to the guard HQ courtyard, "Besides, most guards don't have to luxury of being a palace guard, can't put you in the wrong mindset now can we," We quickly crossed the main courtyard and were outside the castle grounds in a matter of seconds, "Now...a particular area has been rather busy lately, a local bar has been getting some rather serious attention." He took a sharp turn and hurried down the street.

"A bar, really?" I asked catching up with him.

"The owner has recently been involved in a rather serious self defense case,"

"How serious?"

"He shot an off duty guard that was threatening his patrons," I stopped dead for a moment to comprehend what he said.

"...wait shot!?" I ran back to him, "Shot, so there are still guns here?!"

"Yes, Equestria has no formal gun control laws," He looked to his right, "The same way I imagine your country doesn't have any magic control laws,"

"Tha hells a magic control law?" We passed a few shops that were getting ready to close.

"Exactly what it sounds like, to give an example: It's illegal to levitate anypony without concent,"

"Huh....see they never told us that in basic..."

"Well it really depends on where you get sent, areas founded by earthponies tend not to have problems like that,"

"Oh....your people a freakin weird,"

"As are yours, ah here it is," We stopped outside a small square building with some weird letters out front.

"six ap? What the hell kinda name is six ap?"

"Is bar," A grizzly voice sounded off behind me, "Move," A rough looking man pushed past me towards the bar.

"Oi watch the hell out," I yelled back at him, he only glared back and went back to opening the bar door, "Tha nerv-" A gray batmare pushed past me as well, "Jesus..."

"Sorry!" She said turning back, "Oh hey Libra!" She ran back and gave him a quick hug, "Who's this?"

"Trainee, taking him for a patrol around the area," The man that was working on the door walked over to us, "Vlad,"

"Libra....what is name?" He pointed at me barely lifting his arm.

"Name's Toma-"

"Trainee Eldridge," Libra said cutting me off, "Eldridge this is the man I was talking about,"

I just gave a quick grimace to Libra and turned back to the man, "....so, you're the bloke that shot someone...."

He looked me over, "Da....where are you from?"

"England....you Russian or some other shit country down there?"

"Russian, what is age?"

"Uh...nineteen, why?"

"Hm.....old enough to drink in your home?"

"Yeah....you're not gonna try and ....like rape me are ya?" He just glared, "It's a joke....seriously though you're creepin me out,"

He just shook his head, "Idiot...Libra you should come for drink later, bring him if he can pay," He quickly turned back and pushed the door open, "Come little one,"

The batmare quickly ran over into the bar, "See ya Libra," And like that the door was shut, leaving me and Libra standing on the sidewalk.

Libra gave a quick smile before trotting off, "Come along Mr. Eldridge, we have a long patrol ahead,"

"Right...now I matter..." I grumbled walking to catch up with him.

"...So I told her, ya ain't so much a bird as ya are a whale!" I started chuckling while Libra just stayed quiet, "Oh come on....that was funny,"

"Quiet....this way," He bolted off through an alleyway. I quickly followed and we eventually reached some strange noise.

"Come on...don't make this difficult, all we want is a little fun,"

"Yeah, we promise you'll feel good,"

"Hey back off!"

Libra looked back at me, "Three mares...we need to break this up,"

"What? What's going on," I asked as he started stepping out.

"Mares....is there a problem?" He asked stepping out into the middle of the scene. I quickly joined him. There was a stallion with his back agaist a wall with three mares around him.

"No problem....in fact you might have just made things even better," A beige mare walked over to him and ran her hoof along his breastplate, "I've never been with a bat before, you wanna be the first," Libra was absolutely stoic.

"I think you three should leave," He said not wavering an inch.

The mare took a step back as the other two kept advancing on the stallion, "That's fine if you don't want in...but we have a bit of a date with him...."

"Disperse or be subject for arrest, this is your final warning," He took a step forward, leaning into an aggressive stance.

"I'd like to see you make us lover boy," Libra calmly advanced and tackled the mare to the ground, using his forlegs to pin her back to the floor.

The other mares bolted off down the street, "Eldridge get after them!" I quickly ran off after them, it took me a few moments of sprinting before I caught one darting down an alley.

"Oi you git, slow the fuck down!" I managed to get beside her and tackle her to the ground, rolling across the dank alleyway for a meter before hitting a wall. "Gottcha ya dumb bint!" There was a quick tussle before I managed to put her in a full nelson and scramble to my feet, "Ha! Stupid bird...."

"LET ME GO!" She started kicking her back legs and thrashing, "Let me go and I'll-"

"Right don't bother....just enjoy the ride," I lugged her down the road and back towards Libra, "Tha hell were ya thinkin ya cretin?"

"...it's not fair....I just wanted one night..."

"Ya well this ain't tha way..." I picked up my pace and quickly found Libra and two other guards waiting at the spot, "The last one ran off..."

Libra dusted himself off and let another guard take hold of the now bound mare, "That's fine, it's more about the message," Another guard came over and quickly bound the mare I was holding, her dangling legs quickly tied and unusable. Once That was done I set her down and let the others cart them off.

"Phew! Bam, exciting night!" I clapped before dusting myself off, "So what was all that? Were they gonna like...rape that bloke?" I pointed to the stallion, now speaking with the guards.

His faced turned rather serious, "Unfortunately yes, it's a rather serious problem for those who are married or dating...or just don't want to have that kind of situation forced upon them."

"Oh...sorry, that's a pretty raw deal," I fixed my outfit, "...seems kinda weird...I'd think that there would be tons of stallions eagar to share a night with a trio of ready mares...." Libra looked at me with disdain.

"Perhaps your people would be content with that, our kind cherishes family and companionship more than base sex," He said with a slight snarl.

"Oi mate calm down...I didn't mean anything by it," He gave a final grimace before turning back down the street.

"It's fine, just don't joke about it, rape isn't a laughing matter," He trotted off down the street.

"Yeah...ain't back home either," I whispered to myself as I hurried to meet him.

The rest of the patrol was calm, a few noise complaints that were smoothed over without incident, "Well...let's call it a night," He stopped and removed his helmet, "I'm going to go and relax, you want to join me?"

"You wanna buy the first round I'll buy the second," I pulled my hat up and fixed my hair before setting it back down, "Let's not waste time," We walked calmly down the street, a  nice change from the slight tension that had followed that patrol.

"Vodka," The bartender nodded and looked at me.

"Uh....got Guinness?" I asked taking the stool next to Libra.

"Huh.... I think this is first time using tap," He said pulling a glass and walking off to the beer taps, "Also one of the first humans I serve..." He slid the drink over to me as Libra simply knocked twice on the counter, "Tab then...." He walked off to help another patron.

"Strange guy," I said taking a drink, "Eugh...ya can tell he never serves this..tastes a bit....stagnant,"

"How is it otherwise?" He asked downing almost half his glass, "This is ok but I could go for a change,"

"For ya...you eat strait wheat and stuff like that right?"

"From time to time...bat ponies can eat meat you know," He slammed the rest of his drink.

"Ah...did not know that...anyways it's worth a try," I took another drink just as the mare from earlier scooted next to me. She shot me a wide smile.

"Hi!"

"Yo....did you need something?" I asked setting my had on the counter.

"Not really....you just sound different than any other human I've met," She leaned over to look at my drink.

"That right...you're the one who was with the Russian right?"

"Vlad? Yep! He's my stallion alright," Odd phrasing.

"Stallion...does that mean you two-"

"Is problem?" The bartender walked back over.

"No Vlad, just talking with this guy," He just looked at me and cocked his eyebrow. I just sunk my head down and raised my glass. He nodded and went back to his patrons.

"Tha hell's that about?"

"He....he doesn't really like people around me, he didn't tell me to move though so that's a good sign,"

"Jealous type I take it?"

"Uh....more he's had to deal with patrons physically harassing us..."

"She mean's batponies..." Libra said nursing his second drink, "I'll tell you later..." I just frowned and went back to my drink.

"So where are you from?" The young mare asked leaning towards me.

"Kent....England,"

"Oh! We were in England!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah we went on a trip to Vlad's home and we stopped in England...we stayed on the plane but still!" She said tapping the counter.

"...that's a strange layover....ya probably stopped in London international...I live a bit south of there,"

"Neat!" She chirped as I finished off my drink.

"Hmm not bad...Oi barkeep!" I tapped the counter, "If ya don't mind," He looked over at me with a slightly less critical view and took my glass, promptly returning it full once more, "Right thanks lad," I wonder how long this place is open to.

"-and shen I shaid- ....fuck....whatdidah say?"

"You're drunk! Haha you...re drunk!" She said slightly bobbing as she did so.

"No no...I jusht....ah Christ....ah can't remember the word...."

"Dear Luna...Vlad I'm going to get these two home..." Libra said jumping off his seat.

"Da...you know where key is,"

"Alright you two come on," He pulled the mare down and helped steady her, leaving me to sloppily find my legs again. Once We were both semi mobile he started leading us into the street, "Come on..."

We started following him, "Hey...." I asked the sloppily walking mare.

"Waat?"

".....hey...."

"Whaat?"

"you've got a horsh face...." I started laughing like a madman, "Pffff, look at it..."

"Yeah well...you've....you've got....a face....face!"

"No I don't.....Libra...do I have a-"

"Will you two shut up!" He yelled back at us, "Luna...I should have know this was a bad idea,"

"Don't mind him...he's just mad he's a colt cuddler...." The mare whispered to me.

"Whastha hell ish a colt....cuddler?"

"WHAT!?" He yelled back at us turning bright red.

"It means....he like boys....." She started snickering, "Libra likes boys..." He just turned his head back forwards and hurried his pace.

"Ish that why you don't.....mares....tha thing?" He didn't answer, I promptly asked the question back to the young mare beside me.

"What mares....whaat thing?"

"Tha thing...with tha....with tha thing in the other thing..." She realized what I was talking about and fell over laughing, "Noooo, why'r ya on tha floor?!"

"DEAR LUNA! Find your own way back!" Libra started galloping off at full speed.

"LIbra....he's just....*burp* mad....come on...." She rolled back onto her hooves and started sloppily weaving down the street.

"Here....it'sh under here," She bumped into a small statue, "Get it..."

I barely managed to kneel down and grab the key from under that statue, falling back agaist the short wall once I stood, "Ya sure he won't mind..."

She looked at me left eye half closed, "Nawwww, just do the door," I shrugged and hazily unlocked the door and stepped inside, "Jusht...couch...over there,"

"I ain't so sure bout this...."

"Oh shutap...you're a night guard...Vlad likes the night guard...it'llll be fine!"

"Whatever....." I found the couch and sat back against it, "I jusht..." I was out within seconds.

Wednesday

"Hey, get up," I felt something knock my foot, "Get the fuck up!" Something threw my legs off the arm of the couch and onto the floor.

I snapped awake at the sound of my boots hitting the floor, "Ah! Christ, what happened!?" I quickly opened my eyes to a pissed off man with a shotgun in front of me, "Jesus!"

"Why are you here?"

"Huh!?"

He brought the gun to my gut, "Why are you here?"

"Fucking hell! I walked your friend home last night! Go ask her!" He grimaced and grabbed me by the collar.

"Move!" He pushed me into a hall and against a wall, "Nightshade!"

"Whua~?"

"Get out here now!" The door behind us quickly opened to an extremely frightened batmare, "Do you know him?"

"Yes, dear Luna...put him down!" The Russian showily relaxed his grip and turned me around.

"Apologies," He fixed my collar, "Now...oh wait...you are guard..."

"Right...the one with the beer....Christ...you really scared the shit," I leaned back against the wall to catch my breath, "Jesus...."

"Oh calm down..." He walked out into the living room.

"Dear Luna are you ok?" The batmare trotted over to me.

"Do I look bloody ok!?" I was breathing heavily trying to calm down, "Your friends a daft madman...." I quickly righted myself and hurried to the door.

"Wait!"

"No! Screw you," I started to walk out only to be grabbed by the Russian, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" The Russian pressed a pistol into my hands, "What tha shit!?"

"I was like you before...police....keep with you, will save you much pain...now get out," He shoved me out the door.

"Wha- I- with tha- WHAT!?" I was left standing outside with a pistol in my hands, "What tha actual fuck!?"

"Go away..." The Russian sounded from behind the door, "...we are even after this, now leave...."

"I- fuck!" I just stomped off towards home, I needed to get ready quick.

"Wait!" The Russian leaned out, "Forgot this...." He set a leather holster on his stoop, "Better to not risk shooting self..."

I didn't say anything aside from a few grumbles. I grabbed it and ran off to my house. Kim's gonna lose her shit.

"Cool....is it loaded?" She swung the gun around.

"FUCKING CHRIST KIM!"

"What?" She pointed it at me.

"Fuck!" I ducked away, "Don't fucking point that thing at me!"

"Oh calm down ya Nancy...here" She handed the gun back, "It's just a gun," I pulled the slide back and a round popped out, "....well the safety was on," I check and the gun was ready to fire, ".......well I didn't shoot ya," I set the gun on a nearby table, "So....gonna keep it?"

"I don't know....I don't even know why he gave it to me, he said something about police...."

"Maybe he meant the guard?" She pulled her legs to her chest, "I mean you said he pointed a gun at ya,"

"No...he knew the guard captain, they seemed like friends...what did he say....save much pain, whatever that means,"

"Oh keep it for now...go talk to em later,"

"I guess....I'm gonna go get ready....I'm gonna be late at this rate," I walked into my room to get dressed, I set the gun in my dresser.

"You're late...." Shining armor walked over to me, "...why are you late?"

I slowly jogged over to him, "Well- it was- an interesting start- to tha day-" He just shook his head.

"Come on...all the other guards have their trainees picked," He started back into the guard quarters.

"Wait- so you're-"

"Yes...now hurry up...I'm not even supposed to be here...." He hurriedly trotted into the guard quarters with me in tow, "Just...sit," He pointed to a desk off in the corner, "Be a good chance to learn the basics of paperwork..." He went into his office and quickly returned with a stack of papers, "Just run through these forms, check them for typos," I looked over the forms, they were simple requisitions forms all the same except for signatures.

"...so this is it?" I asked setting the forms down, "This is really all i'm gonna do?"

"Yep....welcome to the wonderful world of officer grade work," He walked into his office and slammed the door.

"....bloody....bollocks,"

"Fuuuuuuuuuuck.....fuck you.....Sanders," I set another form aside. I slammed my head into the table, "I'm losing my damn mind...."

"Excuse me...." Someone tapped the desk, I slowly lifted my face upright, resting on my chin.

It was one of the night guards, "Oh....sup?"

"Your presence has been requested,"

"By how?"

"She asked not to be named yet..."

"....of cripes....it's the tall one ain't?"

"Just follow me," She started trotting towards the door. I had a quick internal debate on whether or not to tell the captain and decided to say sod it to the mound of paperwork.

I quickly grabbed my personal stuff and met her at the door, "Oh....rain...here," I popped my umbrella open, "Leave it to an Englishmen...." She gave me an odd look, obviously missing the joke entirely.

"Thank you....now come along," She started out into the rain with me following at her side.

She lead me up a flight of stairs deeper into the castle, "So....she say why she wanted to see me?"

"No,"

"......any ideas?"

"No...." She said with increased agitation.

".....you're a bender..."

"Excuse me?"

"slag....." She stopped and glared at me before starting back up the stairs.

"Behave yourself."

"oi behave yerself, don ya do dat, don ya do dis, don do anythin.....I know how to operate in public," I could tell I was getting to her, her tail swishing violently left and right. Eventually we reached the end of the stairs and she pointed down the hall.

"Just go...."

"Right.....I'm not saying sorry....except I am," The bat mare just rolled her eyes and started back down the stairs, "Well....better to get this over with," I walked forward, pausing at the door, "......could be worse..." I pressed through the door.

"Mr. Eldridge, good morning," The room looked like a small study with Luna sitting on a cushion off to the side, "Please, take a seat." She levitated a chair next to her. I looked around the room and hesitantly walked over to her.

She was wearing what looked like a pair of reading glasses and had her mane pulled back, "So....you uh....you asked fer me?" She levitated a book to the side as well as her glasses.

"Indeed,"

".....can I ask why?" I said growing increasingly uneased.

"I assume you would enjoy the presences of a pretty mare, and our last conversation was cut short." There was a short stint where she just stared me in the eyes, myself trying to look at something else.

"Right....well I was kind of in the mid-"

"I am aware of what you were asked to do,"

"Oh.....well I should-" She levitated the entire cushion herself included closer to me.

"My loyal subject would rather sort forms than spend a few fleeting moments with me?" She looked up at me with a mix of puppy eyes and pleading.

"Uh....I guess..." I settle back into my seat and swallowed the lump in my throat.

"Excellent," She scooted even closer, eye to eye with me, "And may I ask, have you decided which guard to join?"

"Well I-"

"There are many who are not, robust, enough for the night guard. I feel you however might be a perfect addition," The way she said robust completely took me off guard. I scooted my chair back.

"Well....I-"

"I am also sure my subjects are rewarded for their service..." She scooted even closer, myself yet again in retreat.

"......well concidering-"

"If you need more...convincing," She reached a hoof out, barely grazing my knee before I stood up sharply, my chair flying off behind me.

"Jesus!" I took a few steps back and turned away as to hide my....person...., "Ya know...I'm startin to think you had ulterior motives callin me up 'ere." I turned back around to her rolled on her back head still facing me, "Christ in a hand-basket....."

"Hmm?"

"Nothing....." I shifted uncomfortably, "Just.....considering what I've done with both guards......chasing crims is more appealing than sittin in a bloody desk all day,"

"Joyous!" She popped up and almost barreled through me, instead forcing me against a bookshelf, "You will be a wonderful addition!"

"Right...well can you-" Before I could ask to get some room she pulled me into a bear hug and leaned us against the bookcase, "Hurk-......."

"A truly wonderful addition," She rocked slightly back and forth grinding book spines into my back. She kept this up, nearly crushing me like a vice, for a few minutes.

"....cant....can't breathe......" She must have heard me because she let go and returned to all fours, leaving me to fall to the floor, gasping for air, "Christ.......you'er pressed right up against ma chest....bloody....cripes,"

"Oh my...perhaps you should lay down," I felt her magic tug at my sleeve.

"No! No it's fine..." I got to my feet, "I'm fine....just....need to get going," I stumbled to the door.

"Halt!" She boomed from behind. I froze right at the door.

I quickly ran through the cause of all this, "......why......I fuckin fucked up....."

"Here," A book levitated infront of me, "A history of the night guard," I took it from her and started to turn to her.

"Oh...nea-" Once she and I were face to face she basically shoved her tongue into my mouth and pressed me back into the door. It only lasted a second before she broke off and turned away, "....Oi...what?!"

She didn't answer, instead facing away and looking at one of the bookcases, "Now I believe you have a task," I stood their for a moment before shakily pushing back through the door. A pair of guards got one look at me and started cackling and pointing at my face.

"You're soooo red!"

"Aw...looks like someones excited,"

I looked myself over, "SHUT IT!" I quickly walked past and down the stairs, their laughs still audible halfway down.

I started off back to my house, the way I figured it my choice was made whether I like it or not. It was still raining so I was in a bit of a hurry to get back.

I reached my front door after a short jog and burst in, throwing my things next to the door, "Oi Tomas....oi..you alright?"

"I don't want ta talk about it," I walked past her and went to get undressed.

"Tomas.....you really look kinda....mullered..."

"...yeah....let's just say today was.....unique," I got redressed and went into the living room, "I still taste it...." I said completely drained.

"Taste what?"

"......nothing...." *Bang Bang* "Ta hell's that?"

"Maybe one of your guard frie- .....holy shit...." Kim froze and walked past me into the bathroom.

"Kim? Kim who is it? Kim!?"

"Oi Tommy, let us in!"

"Andrew?!" I yelled walking to the door.

"Who else would be knockin on yer door, ain't no lady that's fer sure," I unlocked the door and In burst Andrew, "Oi there brother-" He gave me a quick fist-bump, forced of course, "Whats up?"

"...I- you- Germany-"

"Oh that? They let me out for that a few months ago," He walked past and threw himself on my couch, "So....heard yer tryin to be a cop or summthin?"

".....Andrew...how the hell did ya find me?" He looked over the couch.

"I have ma ways," He winked and sank back into my couch, "Anyways....how the local girls treat ya....better yet you finally lose your V-Card?"

".......Andrew....what the fuck?"

"What, you still haven't gotten laid? Bloody good thing I'm here then!" I started slinking off to my room, "Oi...oi Tomas....Tommy.....gonna go have a wank? Fine, we can pick up some birds later," I slummped into my room and threw my upperbody onto my bed.

".....I can't believe they let him out...." The German prison system must be lenient as hell.

Thursday

"Tomas..."

"Hello?"

"This is strange....who is this?"

"Luna? I can hear ya...wher-"

"OI THERE BARBRA!"

I felt an extremely hard impact on the side of my head, so hard the I fell out of bed "-EUghrkgg"

"Get up Nancy, time to wakey wakey," I quickly rolled onto my back and found Andrew standing over me, "Ah good....now lets get going, I need to find some birds and drugs," He started walking out, "I bet these horsey fuckers got some crazy shit,"

"Jesus Christ...." I slowly untangled myself from the pile of sheets, "Fuckin Andrew....bastard..." I felt like my head was going to split along the point he hit me, "Fucking hell.....bloody...fuckin....aurgh....." I grabbed some clothes and wandered bleary eyed into the bathroom. There was a note on the door, Rented hotel, call me when he's gone -Kim. Lucky bitch....

"Ah...so much bet-" I wandered out into my living room, "Oh my god...Andrew what the fuckrya doin!?" He turned around and waved from outside my window, "Jesus!" I pushed out my front door, "Why'rya pissing in the garden!?" He turned around still pissing.

"What? You'r in tha bathroom, I figured I'd respect your privacy,"

"By pissing in Public!"

"Oh you missed me waving ta yer neighbors,"

"Waving...AH CHRIST!" He cracked a wide smile, "Jesus..."

He zipped up, "What...your neighbors not used to seein cock?"

"No!" I leaned back on my doorframe, "Jesus..."

"You're surrounded by birds ya daft bastard, 'n they don't wear clothes, oi look that one looks fancy," He walked over and put his hand on my shoulder and waved down the passing mare, "Oi miss," The mare stopped and faced us, "Check this out," He reached down and stuck his thumb in my belt and yanked it down, "WHOOOOOOOOOOOooooo little Tommy ain't so small!" He put me in a headlock and kicked my knees down, "Come on baaabaay get some!" The mare got a quick blush before bolting off.

"Andrew- what- the fuck!" I struggled to both reach down and grab my belt and get away from him, "This ain't funny man!" I managed to slam him into the door frame and pull my pants back up, "Da fuck is wrong with ya, ya dammed psycho!?" I stepped off the porch and looked back, Andrew was laughing his ass off, "How did they let you out!?"

"Ahah...phew....Christ.....I only got caught with eight ounces, like a month in a min security in Hessen,"

"Jesus....how the hell did ya-" He covered my mouth.

"Shut up....time for breakfast, then I heard yer see'in a bird, we gonna go see 'er," He cracked a wicked smile before walking off down the road, "Hurry up Tom Tom, I'm bloody starvin over here,"

I just wiped my face, "Christ...." I went back inside grabbing my wallet and keys, "Bloody lunatic...."

"This tastes like ass..." He said throwing the eggs back onto the plate, "I'll tell ya what I want ta eat," He looked back at the waitress.

"Andrew don't....seriously they aren't that lenient about that shit here," He settled back in his seat, "Thank you..."

"Yer damn right thank me....anyways who's this lady of yours?"

"....no...we ain't doing that,"

"The fuck we aren't," he slammed the table, "We're visiting your lady and asking her for a threesome...." He stood from the table, "Now lets go,"

"Christ....Andrew I can take ya there but you ain't gonna meet her....as in even If I wanted you to, you couldn't," I stood and cleaned off the table.

"You're gonna stop me?"

"No....about thirty guards will," We met the street and started towards the castle.

"Ohhhh....you're bang'in a noble.....good on ya lad!"

".....Jesus,"

"Yes my child?" He said with a pious tone.

"Knock it off....what would mom say?"

"Oi Andrew stop trying to shag the cat,"

".....what would dad say!?" I said trying to focus on his more influential parent.

"Good...now be sure to slap her ass too," He said mock spanking the air.

".....lets just get there," We walked on, Andrew only making noise when mares passed. Usually along the lines of oooh baby or turn around.

"Oi ain't this bloody fancy.." Andrew said looking around the entrance to the yard, "....we got company,"

"Oi you!" The trio of celts walked across the yard again. The scoucer walked up to us, "Ya see this," He pointed to the bandage on his nose, "Three weeks..."

Andrew leaned in and grabbed the scouser by the jaw, "Ya did that Tomas? Damn....that's some fucking A grade face fuckin," The scouser Jerked his head away and the other two closed in on him.

"Who the hell'r ya!?" The Welshmen started fronting on Andrew, "This yer boyfriend?"

Andrew just looked at me, "Tomas...this Welshmen just asked me if we're dating....is this for real?"

"Yer damn right its-" Andrew headbutted the Welshmen to the ground and straddled his chest.

"WHOoo! Gonna fuck me a Welshmen!" He started beating him across the face with the other two looking on in horror, "Oi come on then, Gwynedd prick! Get the hell up!" He slammed his head into the ground and stood above him, "Oi scouse, com'ere!" The scouser started running off with Andrew quickly catching up with him, "Oi come on, gonna make a lady outta you!"

"Andrew don't!" I started running off after them, "Andrew STOP!" I managed to grab his shirt and trip him, the both of us tumbling to the ground, "Andrew let em go!" I put him in a headlock and planted my knee on his back.

"Come on! -Ach- oi ease up! I'll play nice!" He started struggling.

"No you wont! Fuckin liar!" I pulled us upright and started walking us back to the entrance of the HQ.

"Aw dammit! Ya let him get away!" I threw him into the HQ, "Phew.....felt good to turn that Welsh asshole into pulp though..."

"Mr. Eldridge you're late again," Shining armor walked calmly over to us, "....who is this, and why is he bloody,"

"Sorry I-"

"Just got back from a bit of a strange time, just fisted a virgin and things got a little messy. On that note there a sink somewhere?" Shining just pointed down the hall, "Cheers, Tomas you stay here....I ain't losin my little boy!" He pointed back as he ran down the hall.

"Who in Celestia's name was that?"

".....a dangerous and highly unstable individual...." Shining shot one last glance back at him before looking me up and down.

"You didn't finish the paperwork..."

"Yeah...I know," I said staring at the ground.

"....I take it you're planning to go to the night guard then."

"Yeah....that I am...."

"....come back tomorrow at eight...." He just walked down the hall to his office and shut the door.

"Right.....what now?" I heard the soft beating of hooves. I looked around as the batmare from last night popped into view, "....great...let me guess-"

"Lady Luna has requested your presence..." She trotted up to me.

I looked around, "I can't......"

".....you were ask for by name..."

I looked around again, "Look I really can't....tell her I'm busy...."

".....this could have severe repercussions-"

"Oi Tomas," Andrew ran over grabbing me by the shoulder, "Come on lad, found a bird that got all blushy when I asked if she'd take it from both sides....oi who's this?" He looked her up and down, "This the one yer bangin?"

The bat mare looked him over, "....charming...at any rate you need to go to her...."

"Oi Tomas I smell pussy, Im'a go find it, ta," He walked off towards some of the castle staff, "Oi lass, lift that skirt for a second!"

".....Lady Luna....waits in.....the- who is that harassing the staff!?" She said, her tolerance snapping clean in half.

"....the reason I can't see her...." She pushed past me.

"Nonsense...go to her, I will handle this cretin..."

"....your funeral...." I started drudging outside and towards where she would be, "Might very well be your funeral...."

"Bloody- stairs-" I finally reached the top, "Why- all- the bloody- stairs....they've got four legs- I'd think they'd get tired sooner!" I stumbled down towards the door to her study, pausing once more before entering.

"...Tomas...." I looked over at the guard to the left of the door.

"....Libra?"

"Yes.....good morning...."

"Uh....yeah......certainly been interesting,"

"....good luck...."

"Uh......thanks, hopefully I won't-"

"You'll need it..." He said snapping back to attention.

"....great..." I slowly pressed the door open, "Hello?" I walked in, a soft magical light closing the door behind me, ".....ok.....hello?" I walked around the study, "Ok come on this ain't funny..."

"Good morning~" She craned her head around the back of a large chair, "A truly loyal subject, acting at my beck and call." I walked over to her, "Take a seat," I hesitantly complied, "Do you know why I summoned you?"

"....well..." I shifted in my seat, "....I can probably guess...."

"....than shall we?"

"...meeh...can....I'm....gonna look around a bit first..." I got up and looked through the bookshelves, "...just....kinda..." I worked my way to a balcony, "Huh....great view," I stepped out onto the balcony along sight a telescope, I looked through the telescope, my gut dropped, "....that's.....that's my house....." I turned towards the chair she had been sitting in, "Have you been watching me?" I walked back inside, she was nowhere to be seen, "....hey! I know you're still in'ere!"

I was quickly picked up and slammed into a nearby cushion, "Prepare thyself..." I was held in place while Luna slowly sauntered over to me, "Prepare to please your princess~"

"Wait!" She quickly found her place towering over me, my brain in full blown panic mode, "Wait wait wai-" She turned around and slowly started to lower her backside, "Oh fuc-"

"Take me down ta the the paradise city..." I zipped my fly, "...where the grass is green, an the girls are pretty...." The of the minute mare managed to look back at me, "Thanks for that love, really needed that," She just slumped her head down and rested on the box we "used", I pushed out of the door, "Oh won't you please take me home......now, where's my little boy!?" I started walking back towards where I left Tomas, "Tommy!? Where's ma little Tommy!?" Several mares hiding behinds furniture as I passed, "Little Tom Tom!?"

"Sir....what were you doing in that closet?" The mare Tom was hangin with walked over to me.

"Fucked a mare in both holes....why?"

"......you're joking right,"

"It was consensual...mostly.... and ya can give it a taste if'n'ya don't believe me..." I grabbed my fly.

"......you're disgusting," She said turning away.

I started off after her, "And you're a horse, now where is Tomas!?"

"Busy...."

"Doin what!?"

"That's on a need to know basis..."

"Right...and I need ta fuckin know!" I grabbed her tail and yanked her ass into my groin ,"Or do I need to "convince" ya first?" I punctuated convince with a quick grind of my hips. The mare quickly jerked away and kicked me in the shin, "OW....and I thought we really had something..." She turned to me absolutely livid, "Guess not..."

"Just shut up...." She started walking off again with me in tow.

"Man....you're asses are just the perfect height....just grab some meat....give it tha old *click click*" I thrust my hips for each click. She stopped dead causing me to bump into her backside again, "Whoa babe, give us some warnin first,"

She turned around with a look that was mere seconds from shooting lasers, "You are by far one of the most disgusting, most.....disturbing....most......lecherous, scum I have ever met!"

"Well....that's a long way to ask me ta fuck ya..." She just grunted and started off faster than before, "Oi come on, I really need to make sure my lads gonna be ok!"

"Stop following me!"

"Tell me where Tommy is!"

"No!"

"YES!"

"Jump off a bridge!"

"Get laid ya dumb cunt!"

"How about you-" I walked up and towered myself over her.

"We can make this consensual or not...this place ain't got shit compared to Germany!" I said spreading my arms.

"You're insane-"

"And you're still a horse...now I'll ask one last time before I use you like a cock sock...Where. Is. Tomas?" We had a short staring contest before she stuck her hoof out towards the exit.

"Across the courtyard up the stairs, in the tower....now get out of here,"

"Right....oh and someone should check on the girl in the closet, kinda fucked her silly," I shoved the doors open with style and started walking down the pitch, "Take me down ta the..."

"....take me home," Last step!

I hopped up and strolled over towards the only door, surrounded by two guards, "Morning ladies, Tommy in there?" I said leaning my ass back and torso forward.

"....who are you?" The one with the fancy helmet asked stepping in front of the door.

"Andrew Eldridge, gun runner, drug dealer, defiler of women, and older brother to one Tomas Eldridge....now is he in there?"

"That's quiet an impressive title...and he's busy right now," The other guard joined him infront of the door.

"Uhuh....so he's in there? Move," I kicked them to the side and pressed my ear to the door.

"HEY YOU CAN't-"

"SHHHHhhhh"

"Did you jus-"

"SHHHHHhhhhh."

"Bu-"

"SHhh!" Things got quiet and I could just hear some low moaning from the other side of the door.

"Tomas...Tomas...just a little longer..."

"Ohhh oh ho ho hoooh, WHOOO!" I slammed the door and turned away, "Little Tommy's finally becom'in a man!" I could feel myself tearing up, "I'm so bloody proud...."

"....are you alright?" The guard came over and poked me with his hoof, "Are you....crying?"

"I'm not cryin.....I'm not....My little lad's all grown up...." He walked around me.

"You are crying.....what is wrong with you?"

"Well....the doctors said I might be schizophrenic...but the voice in my head said fuck that guy," I said clearing my eyes, "....that was a joke....no it's all the drugs I was on way back when, fucked with ma head."

"....I meant why were you crying...."

"Oh.....pride?" The was a loud thud on the other side of the door. We all snapped to look and were immediatly rewarded with it swinging wide open, "Oh wow....Tommy knows how ta pick em...." Tomas slowly wandered out while the mare behind him hastily shut the door, "Tom!" I ran over and gave him a huge hug, "*sniff* Ya smell like pussy....I'M SO FUCKIN PROUD 'A YA!"

"Andrew.....get me home...I can't walk so well...." I felt him slowly put weight on my shoulders.

"First we need ta cel-"

"Andrew I really need to go home....I ain't playin...." He sounded really serious.

"...sure man....I'll grab some whores and booze later....come on up up!" I slung him over my shoulder, "Your still like a bloody feather.....ya ain't been takin speed have ya?"

"Andrew just....get me to a shower...."

"....fine....should wear that smell with pride though...." I slowly started back down the stairs, "The smell of sex and victory....reminds me of Amsterdam...."

Friday

"Eugh~" I kicked weakly at the shower valve, "Turn off ya.....Fuck!" I managed to hook it with the tip of my shoe, ".....fuckin hell..." I pulled myself up and out of the tub, "...man...my body hurts...." I was splayed on my back on the bathroom floor, "Andrew.....Andrew!?" Shit, need to hurry. I quickly pulled myself upright and out the bathroom. I hobbled to the back door first and locked it tight. I managed to get to the front and quickly lock it before putting my back to the door and sliding to the floor, "God please let the hold 'em....just for today...." I made contact with the floor and slowly felt my head roll slightly with the impact, "Just....gonna have a quick nap....then'l be right...and proper....."

*BANG BANG BANG* Someone started beating down my door, "AUGH! Why!?"

"Mr.Eldridge you need to get out here!"

"Look I don't know who ya'r or what ya want....just go away," I said clutching my head. The response was another volley of knocks on my door, except lower, and physically hitting me through the door, "Why!? God dammit....."

"You need to see this!" A paper started to be peek its way under my door, "Are you....move!" I promptly lifted my ass and let the paper slide through. It was slightly damp from my still wet clothes but still immediately recognizable. Andrew Eldridge: wanted for two counts of attempted rape, one count of narcotics possession, and twenty plus counts of lewd conduct.

"Aw Jesus....." I brought the paper back up, last seen sprinting half dressed into the Everfree forest...."Right.....hold on," I tossed the paper aside and unlocked the door, "Right....it's unlocked," I said, pulling myself back upright, "...last seen half dressed.....hell....that's 'em"

A pair of night guards burst in, "Mr. Eldridge...."

"Oh....hey Libra.....so uh.....this...." I pointed to the note.

He gave me a quick up and down, "...why are you wet?"

"....Andrew dumped me in the shower before taking off...I don't even know how long I was in there, only that he dumped me in there fully clothed,"

".......go and change, we need to talk with y-"

"Ya I gathered that....just...wait in the kitchin or sumthin," I slowly limped my way towards my Bedroom, "Bloody lunatic....stupid idiot...." I grumbled changing clothes. My alarm read about six am, "Jesus.....how long was I out...."

"Mr. Eldridge please hurry...." Libra moaned tapping my door.

"It ain't exactly easy....kinda stuck ta me..." I finally managed to peel my undershirt off and throw it off to the side, "My damn water bill is going to be.....fuckin Andrew....god I hope ya die out there....." I mumbled with the image of him being eaten by something out in the forest, no fraternal feelings left, only the pure rage and hate for years of abuse and incoherent madness.

I refocused and hazily drudged into my kitchen, "Right.....so what did you want,"

"Tomas...take a seat, "Libra motioned across the table, "I just need to ask a few questions."

I quickly found the chair, groaning from the weight as I sat down, "meugh....alright...what?"

"You are familr-"

"With Andrew Eldridge.....he is my older brother, with a know drug problem, and extreme metal issues....how he got into the country is beyond me, and I was not involved in any of the charges listed on the paper in any way, aiding or otherwise,"

"....alright then....and you-"

"You saw me....Ya can look up my water usage, I was stuck in that shower for almost two hours....before I pulled myself out,"

"....alright...and a stat-"

"Do ya really want me ta go into details....cause they'd get a bit messy around ten in the mornin...."

"...alright fine....we can vouch for the validity of this....do you have-"

"Find him, and make sure he never sees daylight again.....that man is fucking dangerous, seriously he is an absolute lunatic that will not be missed....now can I go back ta bed? My pelvis hurts...." Libra quickly shifted off his chair and started towards the door.

"....get some sleep, initiation is in a few hours,"

"Fuck.....when?"

"Six thirty, now get some sleep....and should you see your brother-"

"I will bloody murder him....like I shoulda done sooner...."

Libra looked at me with some slight concerned but shook it off, "We'll...keep in touch," The quickly filed out.

"Right....now get outta my house," I slammed the door and locked it tight, "Gonna go get some real bloody sleep."

"Mr. Eldridge?" Luna's voice broke the silence.

"No.....not right now...."

"But Mr-"

"Seriously no.....I just need some rest right now....ya nearly broke my pelvis..."

".....as you wish...." Her voice began to fade away.

"Thank ya.....also before ya go....it was honestly mostly worth the pain....mostly..."

Man.....it's so nice waking up on my own, "Up...come on...." I got out of bed and onto my feet, "My bloody neck..." I gave a few quick jerks before a loud pop cut the silence, "Ow...." A quick glance at the clock told me I had about an hour left, I quickly got dressed and primed to go, "Right.....guess I'll...." I paced around my living room, "huh....guess I'll just go...." I grabbed my keys and hurried out the door, "Maybe I should find Kim....nah...."

I passed a few shops, pictures of Andrew where everywhere, "Jesus....how did he even get into Equestria....wait a minute..." I walked over to one of the posters, "Oh man...." It was the same mugshot from back when we found out he got arrested in Germany, "....man....word must travel fast around him....or....hey wait.....FUCKERS!" I pulled the poster off the wall, "They fucking sent him here! Bastards!" Never trust the Germans! I crumpled up the paper and tossed it aside, "Bloody krauts couldn't deal with him!? What the hell.....I need to find him at some point, god please let him have died....please." I hurried down the street towards the castle.

"...you're early..." Libra said as I slammed into the locked door to the meeting room, I bounced off it violently, "....you know there is a reason I'm standing out here right?"

"ow...I didn't see ya....why's tha door locked?"

"The royal guard is still doing their initiation,"

"...and you're just stood out here?"

"....yes...."

"...they really treat ya like crap don't they,"

"...." I just nodded.

"So....sorry...bout....well my brother and last....Tuesday I think," I said walking to stand with him.

"It's not your fault....I mean Tuesday was, but your alibi checked out, you ran your shower for about five and a half hours,"

"Fuck....god dammit Andrew,"

"Indeed....needless to say you were obviously indisposed during his....escapades,"

"...what exactly did he do?"

"....revealed himself to children, mares, almost raped two, and was obviously on some sort of narcotic, we also have testimony from a small time drug dealer that he had his "product" stolen,"

"Oh....how'd ya managed that, " I asked leaning against a nearby wall.

"Let's just say we look upon drug related charges quite lightly relative to rape charges,"

"....yeah....that makes sense, also that really does sound like Andrew..."

"He's....he's not healthy is he?" I just hardened my frown, "I hope you understand we have no intention of letting him go free,"

"Oh no I know....it's for the best,"

"....and should he contact you-"

"I'll take care of him.....everyone was sick of his shit before this, neadless to say I won't have any hangups about seeing him get locked up,"

"...or banished, which is the most likely outcome,"

"To where?"

"....depends on who takes his case, Lady Luna or Celestia,"

"...didn't answer my question,"

"....either the moon, or.....under the moon,"

"Under?"

"Buried....Lady Luna is rather....heavy handed in these manners,"

"....she does seem to be trying to kill my family..." I said shifting uncomfortably.

"I don't- oh....you will heal, Lady Luna has been without suitors for some time....you should be honored really,"

"Yeah....honored...."

"It is better than my situation....no mare...no foal....and I'm getting old..."

".....didn't your sister say-"

"Shut up" He swung his hoof into my gut, "....as I said no mare....."

*cough* "....well....at least you're open about your....problem." He just glared at me.

"They would find any way to replace me with a non batpony in a heartbeat, what you know....keep it to yourself,"

"I wasn't planning on saying anything....I mean look at my situation...if I did she might actually have killed me," The door to the meeting room swung open and a mass of ponies and a few humans mustered out, "Right.....expecting a good turnout?"

" Ten or so....it's never very much," Once the throng was past he lead me into the meeting room, "I'll wait about thirty minutes, after that I think it's safe to assume we have our men," I found a seat and relaxed, "Oh....and before I forget Luna asked to see you once we were done here,"

"..of course she does....does she-"

"There is a good chance,"

"......fuck......I've seen my death....it's very squishy...."

Libra stood at the pulpit, "Mind yourself....She is our mistress remember"

"....yeah for some of us mistress takes another meaning...."

"Alright....gentlecolts, gentlemen...let us begin," I looked around, the room was full of maybe eight people, four batponies and three other men aside from myself, "You are all here because you have made the hard choice to join into the nightguard, with this decision come both great responsibilities and great opportunity," Libra stepped off the pulpit, "Given the small size I will forgo the ceremony, if you are ready I will administer the oath," There was a short bustle as we all stood, "I hereby do promise my service to the royal guard of the Mistress of the Night Luna," We repeated in unison, "I will serve dutifully and without falter, I hereby submit to any command given by the royal night guard, I hereby acknowledge that disobedience or treachery is punishable by banishment or execution, I do swear loyalty to the nation of Equestria and all her people," There was a quick flurry towards the end, "Gloria Nocte.....congratulations, I understand this may be viewed as an unpopular station, but I promise you all, the rewards are well worth it, DISMISSED!" Everyone started leaving, "Tomas....walk with me," He used a side door, I quickly hopped a few chairs and got to him.

"Ya man...sup?" We started walking through some strange halls in the castle, "....weird,"

"Only three of your kind.....still, enough to work with,"

"What's going on man?"

We walked into a small alcove, "I'm going to be as blunt as possible, you are going to join the officers, you will be in direct command of the three men that have joined the night guard, .....can you do this?"

"Uh- I- ...I don't know shit about leading people..."

"I can teach you....I merely need to know if you can commit yourself to such an endevor,"

".....why me? Why not a batpony?"

"We simply do not have enough, many are excellent guards, few have the aptitude to lead and we don't have the luxury of having a large pool of recruits to pick from.....can you do this?"

"....I-....I'm....fuck.....this shit got heavy quick.....and you'll show me how to do it?"

"I will tech you everything you need to know,"

".....fine,"

"Let me see your hand...." An odd request...I gave him my hand, "....I'm sorry about this," He quickly bit into my hand, his fangs sinking deep into it.

"AH FUCK!" I tired to pull my hand away, he simply held me in place, "FUCKER!" I kept pulling away until he let go, "Why did ya do tha-"

"Easy," My head started spinning, "to be perfectly honest, we can only speculate at how your body will react," My vision started to tunnel and each word was followed by an echo, "Welcome to the royal officers of the night guard..." I collapsed on the floor, "Gloria Nocte,"

I woke up in a haze, "Huh...where am I," I tired moving finding myself ensnared by Luna's curled form, "Luna?....what is this?"

She slowly lifted her head, "Peace....you are safe but you need rest," She lowered her jaw to my crown, her soft mane falling over me, "You are truly a loyal subject, and you are to be rewarded for that...but for now, Rest" I felt all the pressure leave my head as I slowly fell back against her forelegs. She quickly laid her head across my forehead and onto my temple. I felt myself leave my body behind and fall into a dark sleep.

"Luna!?" No answer, "Libra!? .....anybody!?" A pure white form slowly crawled from the floor, "What the hell...." It slowly stood mirroring myself, "Hello?" I slowly approached it, "What are you...." I reached out to it slowly, the creature mirroring my movements. I softly touched the tip of its finger, causing it to ripple once and immediately form features, piece by piece it formed a mirror replica of me, its eyes shut tight, "What in the-" The eyes shot open; blood red and I lost consciousness once again. I think I might be in hell.

Fragmentation

I opened my eyes again, a large blank plane spread as far as I could see, only a mirror image of myself stood out.

"So....you're me?"

"...I'm the new you...I really am sorry about this," He started walking towards me.

"Sorry? What tha hell is-" He grabbed my forearms, it felt like a chemical burn, "MOTHER FUCKER!"

"Make this easy...your time is done," He slowly started melting into my arms, "You have made a very difficult sacrifice,"

"Tha hell I have!" I felt another presence slowly seeping into my mind, "I ain't done living yet!" The rest of it's body melted into mine, "AUGHR- GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!" It felt like the left side of my body lost control entirely, "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!" I started running across the blank plane, "GET OUT, GET OUT, GET OUT!" Along the flat, featureless terrain a thin white line started to form, "I'm not- AUGH- DYING HERE!" I reached the line and started clawing through, "I NEVER AGREED TO THIS! FUCK YO-"

"AHH!"

"Hold him down!" I quickly came to the realization that I was tied down.

"GET THE FUCK OFF!" I trashed violently, "LET ME GO!"

"Tomas calm down," Libra strolled into view, "Oh....well that's strange,"

"I'LL SHOW YOU FUCKING STRANGE!" I tried to pull my arms to his throat, still bound to the face of this table.

"Hmmm.....do you think you can calm down?"

"CALM! YOU TRIED TO FUCKING KILL ME!" I looked around the room, this place looked like the dungeon, "What is this!?"

"Our new home," A strangely familiar voice came from behind me.

"What the hell was that!?"

"What? What are you hearing," Libra asked leaning over me.

"Don't tell him a thing,"

"AUGH-! WHY DO I HEAR THIS!?"

"Hmmm.....Orion, call Mistress Luna," Libra walked away, "I suppose it's to be expected,"

"FUCK YOU!" I yelled, shredding my larynx.

"You're body is not your own!"

"AUUUUGHHHHHH-"

Once again, a blank room, two men standing opposite each other, "So....this is forever isn't it,"

"It doesn't have to be....you could have just let go,"

"....what are you?"

"Your better half.....well....I was meant to be the new you...but as we have learned....you...I...us....we are very resilient." He shifted his legs, "Well....I suppose you should name me Mr. Eldridge. You did earn that much...."

".....I'm still not really sure what you are.....how can I name what I don't know what it is,"

"...hmmm, I can't say I know myself....I only know what you know,"

".....Rhys....."

"Rhys?"

"....you're me....part of me, my middle name will work well enough...."

"Rhys....this is acceptable,"

"Ya don't have much of a choice,"

"well.....let us hope we can work together....I fear the alternative would be quite detrimental to both of us,"

"....ya sound like a dandy....."

"And you sound like a low class vagabond, strange to hear myself with such a strange accent...."

"No kidding-" A dark void sheared the blank white existence, "....Luna...."

"Mistress," Rhys took a bow, "A pleasure,"

"...Tomas...I am sorry," She said softly tip toeing towards me.

"Well....aside from the possible schizophrenia it seems to have worked out..."

"....I never intended for you-"

"Please mistress...I believe ourselves harbor no grudge," Rhys said walking around her, "I will submit to your choices, should Mr. Eldridge agree..."

"I have no intention to lose my free will....I'm sorry Luna...."

"I only ask you continue to serve as a guard....."

"Well...I need a job...do you know where we are?" I asked gesturing to the blank plane.

"I believe this is our mind....rather boring if I do say so..." Luna nodded in confirmation, "Well....how unimaginative....was I always this boring...."

"Oi I'm sorry, I just had a fight for my life, body, and mind! Sorry if I'm a bit uncreative right now.....asshole...."

"This should serve as inspiration!"

"NEARLY DYING!?"

"YES!"

"....gentlemen....I believe it is time to go back," Luna walked away fading into the white fog.

"Well....shall we Mr. Eldridge," He started walking through the fog.

"Right.....let's...." I started slowly following him, "Ya bloody dandy...."

"Low class wretch..."

"HUA!....." I jerked my head up, "...ughhh...." I slowly fell back, landing on a cold stone floor.

Libra slowly sauntered over, "Hmm....how are you feeling?"

"...like I just got my head fucked with..."

"Hmm.....as crude as it might sound, I know that feeling," He walked off, "Orion, mirror?" He slowly walked back, he quickly unbound my arms and pressed a mirror into my hand, "You truly have had an interesting reaction,"

I brought the mirror up, my right eye had gone blood red while my left retained its usual pale green, "....so....I take it you-"

"Yes...I don't really remember much before it....parts of it....but-"

"....so you lost that fight..."

"No...I won...my past self lost....but he still lingers....memories,"

"Well I guess that explains the eyes....so how much of your personality is actually yours?" I unbound my legs and got to the floor.

"Most of them....my sister could tell you more,"

"...your sister...she doesn't have-"

"No....as you said...eyes," I walked over to him rubbing the spots where I was bound.

"So....what exactly did you do to me?"

"....I suppose the simplest way to put it would be....we tried to replace you...how it work for us...we lose our old minds, we get stronger, faster, better....but it also makes us infertile,"

"...so I'm-"

"I don't know....as I said, we still don't know how it will effect you,"

"We do..." Rhys's voice rang out.

".....so....this isn't like a vampire thing is it? I'm not gonna start drinking blood am I?"

"Did you drink blood before?"

"...no..."

"Then no...you wont, we do because we did before this...you have a lot to learn..."

"Well....I- It would be a pleasure," I quickly covered my mouth. Libra raised an eyebrow, "That....that wasn't supposed to happen...."

"Huh....strange indeed, come along," He started walking off, "Lesson one: history."

Saturday

"Mr. Eldridge..." I snapped off the desk, "....can you repeat what I just said?" He said pointing to the board.

"Uh.....I- That we as a Blooded individual will be physically superior at the cost of our reproductive ability and....actually sir is our vision an issue given tha- arses....that our eyes are kind of weird..." Libra looked at me with some hint of both pride and annoyance.

"I am glad to see part of you paying attention, and we don't know yet, I suppose we could run a physical next week..." He took a piece of chalk and started marking some things on the board, "Now......to summarize....We are the blooded servants of Lady Luna, we can operate with almost no sleep, the process usually overwhelms the individuals previous consciousness; going to have to make an addendum to that. We are physically superior to our previous selves, and we....maybe not you, can fly for great distances and at great speeds," He set the chalk down, "Any last questions?"

"Yeah...how many of you are there?"

"Yourself included?"

"No...."

"Hmmm maybe fifty out of the entire batpony population....so about....two percent? I've never been great at math,"

"You're not sure? I mean you shou- Don't mind him si- Hey don't ya cut me- then don't disrespect the commander!"

"Gentlemen.....please, you need to stop that....you can't function like this,"

"Well I can't properly serve Luna with this....degenerate undermining my service! And I can't deal with some proper asswipe being all prickish! Ugh....it pains me to think that you and my mistress...were- shaggin.....we fucked.....get over it.....you know how it felt, you know it was rather painful....get over it,"

".....Tomas....please," Libra walked over to the desk I had parked myself in, "You are sword to her service...be respectful,"

"....Libra...she nearly broke my pelvis...." I leaned over to him, "I nearly drowned!" Ugh....you disgust me. "Shut up Rhys.....sorry, he's complaining about my....what did you say? -Crassness....and vulgarity, -Right....that."

".....Tomas....don't hate me......but I wish Rhys was in control," He said putting his hoof on my hand, "I'm sorry.....I do feel bad about it,"

"Eh don't worry 'bout it.....people like proper Brits more....I blame stupid spy movies...actually....on the note of Lun- **Lady* Luna- right...about her, does any of this...stuff, have to do with....her....you know- *As he put...shagging- ....right....wow, you actually said shaggin" Shagging Tomas....Shagg-ing**.

He gave me an odd look, "Not to my knowledge....lets assume it is purely a coincident."

I crossed my arms and leaned back, "I'd like to imagine it was meant to be" This caught Libra off guard, "Don't look at me...the other guy said it...I just enjoy the ride....and all it's pains...." I laughed to myself.

"....right....I suppose the ends our lesson...I suggest you find Lady Luna, I'm sure she would love to meet you both in person, maybe she can help you settle whatever bad blood their is between you,"

"Maybe- Perhaps...."

"Excellent, you're in agreement!" He trotted off towards the door and held it open, "Check the study, if not there check her chambers!" I quickly stood and was ushered out the door.

He quickly pushed me out and into the hall. Soo....Tomas, shall we? I grumbled as I started walking, "Not like you can make me- I might not control your body, but I certainly control your voice-...asshole stop that- Oh fine...if you're going to cry about it fine! You sound like a chav anyways..." I just ignored it and walked on. So....maybe I can...take control if Lady Lu- "No....you called me a chav..." Oh come now, don't be childish...these are very...sensitive matters, "Yeah....too bad I get to enjoy these "sensitive" matters....ya tosser," OHHHhhh bollocks...I stopped dead, "Look...if I let you take this one...will you shut up?" Fine....but you let me control the body for it! "Fine....prepare for pain lad...prepare for pain," Ah soon my mistress, soon...

"Luna?" No...damn...that was a whole lot of stairs for no reason, Check her chambers you idiot, "I don't know where that is you dopey fuck!" Well find out, my mistress awaits! I just shook my head and started back down the stairs, "How hard could it be to find....follow the guards right?"

"Excuse me kind sir, can you direct us to Mistress Luna's quarters," The servant pointed a hoof down the hall, "Thank you very much," See....being polite gets us much farther than asking in a grotesquely obscene way. "Bitch ass pussy...." ....you're awful..... "I know...oh...OH DAMMIT!," Ha....and I don't feel anything. I stared up the flight of stairs, "Bollocks..." Get climbing, I need to see her again! "Eugh....just shut up....why did I even come to this land of magical pony weirdos and giant staircases!?" ...for the attention... "....yeah....I did kinda do that" I hurried up the stairs, feeling oddly steady considering I just came down an equally large staircase, "Huh...guess it worked...sort of, Tomas Eldridge, master of stairs!"

"Mistress!? Lady Luna are you there!?" I walked calmly to the door, "She's in there...don't worry," Kick the door down you brute! She could need assistance! "You know I can tell what you're thinking right?" Keep it to yourself! "Oi Luna, Rhys wants ta- Don't you dare! -Put his thing- Don't!" The door swung open almost hitting me, "Whoa! Ah My Mistress, lovely as ever! Eugh....stop that, I don't like hearing myself like that....Oh I bet you'd love to have some, Wessex ruffian to pal around with, talking about women's bums and breasts....hooligan,"

She gave a deep knowing smile, "Mr. Eldridge..." She held the door.

" And I- Thanks...he hasn't shut up all day, been asking for ya though..."

"Oh?"

".....about....you know...." This got a quick blush from her, "Tomas, how dare you be so vulgar to our Mistress- Do you not remember what we've done!? -....still....it's crass," Again a quick shake of my head and I walked on, finding a small sofa off to the side of the room ,"So...Libra said I should find ya,"

She levitated a cushion over and promptly folded her legs onto it, "Yes, I am eager to study the effects of the change, most impeccable that you are still in control!"

"Oh ya know...I'm just awesome and all," Pompous ass.... "Ok I have a question, is there anyway to get rid of him!?" I shouted slightly, leaning forward off the couch, "Cause he won't shut up!"

She gave a sour look, "Sadly we simply do not know, hopfully you two can cooperate towards a common...interest?"

"....really...I mean....don't we have othe- YES...I mean of course Lady Luna....well...I guess that's that then," She giggled from behind her hoof.

"Indeed, now to the matter at hand," She swiveled the cushion so she faced her backside to us, "I suggest the both of you serve me well~ It's been far to long since I was serviced by two at once~"

Fuck.

Fuck.

Caught you off guard too eh?

Yes....Tomas....I'm scared....

So am I....each damn time....well, you're problem now! I let my body go limp, giving just enough to keep from falling over.

Oh you asshole! Tomas!? Tomas!? What do I do!? Tomas help me! This was more fun than actually doing it, watching him fumbled around was really funny, Tomas how do I....help me!

"Oh bother.....Mistress...would...would you mind-" She quickly spun around and wrapped her wings around me, pulling me into a tight kiss. Oh my.....Tomas....I....help! Tomas what happens next!?

I was quickly rolled onto my back, "Ow.....Tomas take over...I don't like this feeling..." Aw what's wrong buddy, tired?

Luna slowly curled around me, "Tomas please...." Right...gonna miss the best part though. I quickly went limp and I quickly resumed control.

"Wow.....this....huh...this is nice...." Much less pain than before, A foreleg was quickly draped over my chest, "Lovely...." I rolled on my side and quickly cupped Luna's head against my chest, "Yeah....this is much better," Her breathing soft against my chest.

"Tomas?"

"Yep...."

"Good..." She huddled closer, "The other didn't know how to please me very well," Auh-....I did my best!

I gave a quick laugh, "Like I said....awesome, now do you need me again or can I go? I need to find my roommate."

"Once more....you, once more..."

I gave an evil smirk, "Of course," She quickly rolled atop me, "Figures the dapper twat couldn't handle it,"

"Right...Luna, until we meet again," I cleaned myself up and hurried back down the stairs, "Right...hey do you remember where Kim said she'd be?" No....why would I know that, "Because you're me...." Shut up, I don't want to be, "Look who's a little pissy about not being able to please a women!" Shut up.... "Ooooh he's just a slight mad," No really shut up...ponies are starting to stare. I gave a quick look around and sure enough several servants had frozen in place to stare at me, "Oh....don't mind me..." I hurried out the main door. Smooth... "Shut it....let's find Kim and go home..." Why... "becau- actually that's a good point...screw her," I headed home, having the house to myself has been nice, and I needed some rest, first day of actual duty is tomorrow.

Ah...nice to be- "Kim!?" I yelled running around the

"Oi-"

"But...hotel..."

"I saw all the posters, figured he was gone- Ohhh neat, that eye is kinda hot..."

"Jesus....look I- just....don't ask..." I walked away, "Don't wake me up..."

"Right....wait you going to bed already?"

"I had....a long day..."

"Right....what's her name?"

"Shut your mouth....that's her name," I walked away.

"Sounds like a lovely lady!" I quickly went into my room and slammed the door.

"...thanks for not cutting in," Why would I? "Why do you in the first place?" ....I like being heard....

"Tommy, there a reason you're talking to yourself?"

"SHUT UP KIM! It's a long fucking story and I don't have the time!"

"Right fine....don't get all bent outta shape about it," I threw myself onto my bed.

"Man....I should start sleeping with Luna too, be nice and warm....and soft...." I bounced up and down on my box mattress, "Better than this piece of crap......Rhys?"  Oh sorry, I was thinking about how to do better next time....do we have any books about it? ".....Christ...I'm going to bed," Then you won't mind If I borrow the body? "Knock yourself out...just don't do anything stupid," I slowly faded away, leaving my body to Rhys, "Now...where to practice,"

Wait what!?

Sunday

I woke up, surrounded by a pink, nicknack laden, frilly bedroom, "What the....where am I?"

"...oh...you're still here," A pale blue mare walked in, "I thought you would have left by now...."

"What!?"

"Look let's not make this awkward...I think you should just go," I looked around one last time before throwing myself off the bed and finding my clothes, "...you were....ok,"

"Shut it.....I don't even know how I got here!" She was about to say something when I rushed past her bumping her into the door frame.

"Well....you're a lot ruder than before...why couldn't ya be that forceful last night!?" I made a few disgruntled noises before rocketing out of the front door, almost knocking it off the hinges.

"Un-fucking-believable!" Sorry.....it didn't go very well...I'm getting better though! "Shu-" Shut it! Never do that again ya fucking retard! I angrily rushed through the streets, with only a vague idea of where I was going. "Now I'm fuckin lost, god dammit!" Take the next left.

"Oi, there you are!" Kim ran out the front door, "Where were you last night?"

"Don't ask....just....go make me some toast or something..." I pushed passed her.

"Oi....looks like someone had a rough night."

"Shut it...I can't deal with you right now," I took a sharp turn into my kitchen, "Well.....you gonna cook?!"

"Oi calm down...you're acting like an kid!" I used my elbow to hold my head up, covering my eye.

"Look....I've been dealing with a lot of crazy shit lately....just....just help me out for once," Kim slowly walked around the table.

"Tomas tell me whats wrong? Does it have to do with you eye?!" She tried to pull my hand away.

"No, yes...look it's not just tha- We have been put in a rather precarious and lofty position." She jerked back violently, "See....crazy shits been happening to me..."

"Ok....if I cook something nice will you tell me what's been going on?"

"Kim I- Yes," I just slammed my head on the table, "....just do it..."

"Whoa....that's bonkers..."

"Indeed- and whats worse is that he wont shut up.." I slapped the side of my head, "Augh....I need to rethink my life- too late now......I hate you...I know." I looked up to see Kim staring at me with a mix of amusement and worry.

"Well...you two seem like an interesting duo ta say tha least,"

"Right....well thanks for the food, I gotta go and start training my people," I stood up and started towards my bedroom, I needed to change.

"Since when do you have people?!"

"Since all this crazy shit..." I slammed the bedroom door. Best to just take a nap and get ready for duty.

So do you think they will notice? Rhys said as we walked into the training yard.

We have two different colored eyes....and your accent is completely different.

Then we should buy some glasses! I just shook my head.

Look just...let me talk, don't cut in, don't even try!

Fine....but we visit Mistress Luna later...

Fine, that was the plan anyways....seems like it always is. I quickly ducked inside the HQ, it took a few moments to reach Libra's office, "Libra?"

"Yes, what did you need," He swung off his chair and onto the ground, "Oh...right, their in the meeting room, what are you planning?"

"I have no idea...maybe physical tests? Ya have a timer?" He went around his desk again and tossed a timer on the surface, "Thanks," I swiped the timer and looked around, "So...what else should I do?"

"Hmm....well get familiar with them, once assignments start coming in it'll be better to know who to send on which patrol..."

"Right.....so nothing?"

"Not really...you just pick their assignments and make sure they are staying out of trouble."

"....and ya needed to almost kill me for that?"

"No.....we also expect you to be patrolling....we expect you to also take the more dangerous assignments."

"Great.....wait dangerous? Like what?"

"Uncooperative unicorns, kidnapping, rape, physical violence, you know...normal dangerous stuff....oh and wildlife..."

"...great....I'm just gonna go...meet the guys..." I quickly stepped out of the room, "Normal stuff....ha...."

"oh you've gotta be joking....you?"

"Aye.....Lokahkno-"

"Look shut it....I can't even understand ya...fuckin Glaswegian....just....go stand with tha others," He sauntered off. You know....while I don't condone your hate for the other Britons....I do understand it. He speaks worse than yourself! I ignored it and stood infront of the four, "wait....four? Hey...you in the back, are you supposed to be here?"

"Huh? Oh...no...I guess not..." There was a brief pause.

"....well....get the hell out!" I waved my arm at him, "Go on, get!" He quickly left, "Wanker....anyways....quick introductions I am Lieutenant Eldridge, save your names I'll learned when it matters. Right, first off I need a baseline for your athletic abilities, follow me..." I quickly walked out the door, the trio following close behind, "Right, four laps, get set up on the track and ready to go." They quickly took their places, "And....GO!" The trio bolted off down the track, "....looks good...I think..."

"Hurry up Glasgow, you're in dead last!" He managed to sprint the final length and clock in at about seven minutes, "Not....terrible, anyway the boss didn't give us assignments yet but you're not off the hook, Ya can either exercise or practice writing reports....either way ya got another few hours!" Glasgow and the skinny one started back onto the track, while the blond one went over to the dummy we use to simulate dead weight ponies, "Right.....OI CANCER!" I called out across the yard, "Mind making sure these boys don't skip out on their training?"

"Sure!" The stout bat pony yelled back.

"Thanks!" Well that went well....off to see Luna? Yes...... Well let's not waste time then!

"Oh....wow...." I slowly made my way down the throne room, "Huh...." An absolutely massive line of ponies was queued up to see her, "Wonder whats going on..." I hurried my pace to the throne.

"We can assure you it will be handled," Luna was talking with a small group of ponies, "Fear not, your safety is assured." Once the group started walking away I managed to walk up to her, "Ah...Tomas...greetings.

"Yo....what is all this?"

She gave an exasperated sigh, "With the royal guard looking for your brother many fear their safety, they come to me to assure themselves,"

"....oh....bummer...can I help in any way?" I asked, turning back to the massive line of ponies.

"No Mr. Eldridge, these are simple, if time consuming, matters. Perhaps once my sister takes her place we can speak again,"

"Right....well....bye," I slinked off towards the door, the line slowly eeking its way forward, "Man....that's a bloody raw deal...."

"Oi...you're home early." Kim said from behind the couch, "What happened?"

"Eh nothing.....really dull day after all...." I tossed the content of my pocket into a drawer, "I'm gonna go relax...."

"Right, it's about bed time for me too," She got up and brushed past me, "see ya whenever ya wake up..." She ducked into her room and slammed the door. Have you ever noticed she never showers?

".....Jesus...." I quickly went into my bathroom and started the shower, "God...I never wanted to think about that..."

Jesus Tomas....really?

Well at least I didn't stick it in some random mare!

There is no reason to focus so much attention on it....

Yeah there is, BECAUSE YOU STUCK IT IN SOME RANDOM MARE YOU GIT *Crash* "The hell?!"

I quickly switched off the shower and jumped out. Tomas towel!

"It's my fucking house!" I rushed towards my room, it sounded like someone broke a window. I rammed the door and knocked it open, "What the fuck!? Andrew!?"

He knocked the glass away and climbed into my room, "Oh...hi Tom, listen I'm in a bit of trouble here..."

"You're damn right you are!" I bolted to my dresser and found the gun the Russian gave to me. I quickly leveled it with his chest.

"Hey now, Tommy...how about you put that down..."

"No! Fuck you, Get the fuck on the ground!" He slowly stepped towards me.

"Come on Tomas you wouldn't do it, we're family," He creeped towards me, "Now how about you-" I lowered the gun to his shin and squeezed the trigger. *Bang* "OH CHRIST!" He fell to the ground, "TOMAS, WE'RE FAMILY, WHAT THA FUCK!?"

Shoot him again....just to be sure! I holstered the gun, "Ya know Andrew...you're the reason dad drank, and why mom cried all the time...ya fucking ruined my childhood with your stupid shit, and everyone knew you would end up in prison...." I found something to stop the bleeding and tie his hands, "Now....you're going to be locked away for a long time....hopefully long enough for them to figure out what the fuck is wrong with ya," With his leg bound I slowly dragged him outside, stopping to ask Kim to go get the guard.

"Tomas!" Libra and several guards rushed over, "Good work!" The ran over and stopped in a semicircle around Andrew, who I had gagged to stop his obscenities.

"Fucker broke my window...." I said stepping on his leg, "NOT SO FUN WHEN I'M IN CONTROL IS IT!?"

"Tomas, Rhys, please....we can handle this," The two extra guards quickly loaded him onto their backs and started off towards the castle, "You've done us a great service....actually....you know what yes, lets go for a drink!"

"....really?- Sure man!" He started off towards the bar, "Ta celebrate that madman's imprisonment!"

"Indeed, the reports can wait!"

"An then I shaid....is that a pussy or a pussy!?" I burst out laughing, "Get it? Cause....fur....eheheheh..." I slammed my drink on the counter.

"Tomas....you're drink...oh ponyfeathers...."

"Ha....you're a drunk horsh too.....really gentle...-men...this is becoming...out of....eugh...I cant focus"

"Tomas....tell yourself to shhut up...."

"Shut up me....you douche...." How- -rude.... "hesh not shuttin up...."

"Tomas....shut up....other Tomas shut up too....too many of you...."

"Too too too too tooooo, you shaid too alot...."

"No I dont....you do..." He said trying to grab his drink, "I cant...come here...." He eventually pawed at it enough to where it slid off the counter and off the bar.

"Libra....Tomas....I think you drink enough...." The barkeep said sliding over to us, "I think is best if you leave...."

"Hey!.....yeah you're right....hey can your friend help us...I dont shink we can move very well..." I said trying to get to my feet.

"....Bliad'.....Nightshade!" The young mare quickly came from the other side of the counter, "Your brother needs help..."

"Hey I never-" he started tipping off his stool.

"Oh wow....Libra you're really drunk...." She said giggling slightly and stabilizing him, "Thinking about Sparky again?"

"You shut up about Sparky....now he was a stallion!" He slowly managed to slide off his stool.

"Ha....gay horsh..." they started out of the bar and down the street with me following a ways behind.

Why...do...ugh...drink?

"Cause it's yummy....jerk...." I could see Nightshade looking back confused, "Just....talking.....don't worry." She gave me an odd look before turning back around, "An shee....things look better while drunk...look at it....DO IT" She shot around again with a slightly angry glare, "Sorry.....I'm gonna....go...find a place to sober up...." I broke off from the group and stumbled my way home. It was a fifteen minute bout of nausea and confusion, eventually leading us back home.

After fumbling with the keys and falling onto the couch I could finally feel myself overcoming the disgusting feeling. I'd have to go and visit Luna for some attention later....no doubt she would finally let me take the lead for catching that psycho. But...for now I just need a nap. Just a nice, drunk, nap.