Warning!

There will be an extreme amount of Twibashing in the next chapter.

Hardcore Twilight fans are hereby notified that the author has no fucks to give at the part of that particular chapter.

Let me say it again. The author does not give a fuck. If any Twilight Sparkle fanboys/girls simply cannot stand a chapter really hating on Twilight Sparkle, then the obvious thing to do would be to move the mouse up and click that X button.

And if you haven't guessed by now- The author really, REALLY dislikes Twilight Sparkle.

Blame the first few fanfics he was unfortunate to read. They all had Twilight discovering a human, imprisoning him, questioning him, introducing him to a XenoCelestia who would promptly blast him into next week, then apologise to the all too accepting idiot, fucking him, sometimes killing and reviving him, then a rutting montage followed with her marrying him or some other bullshit.

…On with the story!

No Twibashing in this one Just some (hopefully) funny moments.

Begin!

My Ass Is Damn Fine

"Richie, Richie, Richie, Richie…"

Mhmm…how wonderful the past two months have been.

It's been nearly seven months since Richie and I met…in that tavern filled with lust and broken promises.

Two since we both slept together, him holding me close, my head comfortably nestled on his chest…breathing in his scent.

"I love him, I love him, I love him…"

My thoughts, feelings…everything.

It's all meshed nicely together.

Is this how love feels? To want someone so badly, that you would give anything to them, do anything for them.

It might have been a simple crush at one point…a Queen, ruthless to her enemies yet motherly to her subjects.

Her children…her babies, a loving Queen.

No, no it's no crush anymore, if it were ever one to begin with.

I want him!

I want him to want me!

I want him to need me!

I want him to crave me, as I crave him…every second of every minute of every hour of every day.

Tis amazing how I am able to think so clearly next to him. To still be myself, not a drooling fanmare with an insatiable love.

Even if that is exactly what I am.

But…no, my thoughts though muddled and sometimes…difficult to push down, are clear.

I know what I want.

I know how to get it.

And as of recently…I know he wants it too.

Ohh…the love he once held, a tiny flame, now a blazing inferno of passion and held back desire.

If only he would give in and embrace me.

But first…he must know what I really am.

I have to know, I have to!

Will he still love me…once he sees the hideous freak beneath the beautiful mirage?

I don't know…but maybe he will. Maybe he'll be able to look past my appearance and see the lonely mare underneath.

The lonely mare that would give everything to him, if only he asked.

There's been some…rather unusual thoughts running about my head nowadays.

For I have come upon one realization.

I want to mate with him.

I know what most would have thought upon this statement. For haven't I always wanted to mate with him, all with the sole purpose of creating a family once again?

Yes, yes I have.

And I still want to…but not in the same context.

I want to mate with him, make love with him, have HIS children and have him…raise them alongside me.

This thought, this urge has plagued me day after day, week after week, month after month.

There are times when I…when I can barely stop myself from biting him, from injecting my blood, my toxin, the toxin that would subtly rewrite his DNA…and make him like me.

Not exactly like me, he is too far from a quadrupled to make him a complete changeling.

But still…he would look beautiful by the time my blood infected…no not infected, cleansed, purified…made his, made him so much better.

Not that he isn't now, for all that he is now is so…wonderful.

But to be a King, my King, he would have to undergo the transformation.

Yet for now…I am content. For I will never force this on him.

No, he must first accept me, my true form, without…without hating me, for my hideousness, my ugliness.

I want to make him my King, but he must love me for me, not for the pretty image he sees every day.

Not that he actually ever gives more than a smidge of attraction when he looks upon me…something that worries me as well as…excites me somehow.

For if he does not find ponies attractive…maybe he prefers something more exotic.

Like a zebra, or griffon.

Or a changeling.

It's a dream…but it's a good dream.

A hopeful dream.

I was walking with him, the both of us chatting away, uncaring of the world around us as we became enraptured in our conversation.

"…he wouldn't move outta the way," Richie explained, humour laced in his tone. "So John just walked up to the arrogant fuck and nutted him."

I laughed boisterously, attracting unamused glares from several ponies around us.

Not that I gave a damn mind you.

"I take it he got out of the way by then?" I chuckled humorously.

"You could say that," he snickered, a sly smirk adoring his…attractive features.

He gave me a teasing wink, which I promptly responded to by nudging his thigh with my flank playfully. This attracted even more glares and disgusted looks from many others, but like I said, I had no fucks to give.

All I cared about was the human walking alongside me and the potential he held for my kind.

Not just for getting me pregnant, but also…being the King, the father they needed.

For our love, if it still held true…would feed our babies indefinitely.

And even if weren't enough, it's easier to plan on a full stomach. Even if I've never really cared for conquest, it's always good to have a backup plan.

Richie…has the right mindset for the responsibility. I would teach him how obviously, but I truly believe that he could in time, take up the mantle of ruling…and rule alongside me.

We arrived in a rather small restaurant, thus quickly gaining the attention of everypony inside it. I could feel a mixture of emotions flaring from all of them.

Uncertainty, slight fear, disgust, apathy and…nervousness.

All directed at my Richie, simply for being different.

It's one of the traits I've simply never been able to like about ponykind. They hate different, they really do. It's why they've rarely advanced in anything technological.

I mean, Richie's told me of the technology his kind have invented back on his world. It puts everything any other species have made here to shame.

And when he…if he chooses to accept the true me and become my mate, we will use everything he knew to try and advance the changeling race. For even if he knew not how to make it, he would still come up the basic design.

Contrary to what most believe, my babies aren't mindless at all. Every one of them has independence, though they are all linked to the hive mind. That does not mean I control them, I could, but I don't.

Free will is something I would never take away from them. It stops growth, it stagnates any kind of advancement.

And my children…some of them are marvellous inventers, scientists, thinkers and scholars. If my Richie showed them through the hive mind what he knew about human technology…they results could be beyond anything this world has ever seen.

We could make weapons, not to go to war, but to defend ourselves should our enemies come knocking.

We could make futuristic carriages, so as to help changelings that can no longer move as they used to.

Medical treatment could advance, saving my babies from what has already stolen so many.

My children have families too, for although they are born from me, incest is something a changeling cares little about. There are no horrible births that could result from it…for they could have children too.

Not as many as I could, but one, two, sometimes more.

When it comes down to it, a changeling isn't so different from any other species.

Maybe one day we'll be ready to show this.

We walked into the restaurant and sat down at a table in the far most corner. Richie was obviously getting irritated at the constant glares, as was visible from the sheer contempt on his face.

"Look at that freak."

"Why is that doll of a mare hanging out with that?"

"Bah, it's ruined my appetite."

"She must have pitied it."

As the rather loud whispering continued, Richie's emotions began to meld into one fiery ball of rage. His left eye was twitching in anger, his fingers drumming on the table so as to focus on anything else, lest he attack them.

I knew him well, I knew what he did to try and contain his temper…for it was tested almost every day.

"Those fucking ponies are upsetting my Richie!" I concluded angrily, my mind working like clockwork as I formed a rather devious plan. "Well, let's see how they like it when I do this."

"Ignore them Richie," I soothed, just loud enough for some to hear. "They're just jealous because they'll never have this ass."

I made a show of the obvious stares by slapping my tush playfully, bringing out various amounts of lust and envy from the numerous stallions…and a mare.

"And you do," I finished, making even more of a show of it by moving forward and licking his cheek flirtatiously.

Richie looked slightly stunned at the action, but rapidly got over it and grinned, deliberately lifting his upper lip marginally so as to show a rather sharp looking tooth.

"Well it is a fine ass," he complimented coyly, giving me a teasing wink as he reached out and stroked my face lovingly.

And although I'm sure he never intended for me to know…what I could feel in that moment…

Love, respect…it was near bursting at the seams and yet…he held it back.

Fear held it back, fear of rejection.

I could tell he thought that I was only acting.

"If only he knew the truth of what I said," I thought sadly. "I'm his, I'm all his. He need only ask."

"You're damn right it is," I purred sultrily, moving my muzzle slightly so as to kiss his the fingers that once touched my cheek. "And it's all yours."

A true, honest smile adorned his face. His eyes were shining with gratitude, admiration, affection and…oh…so much love.

"I love you Richie," I thought, willing the words to escape my lips. "I love you so much and I know…I know you're scared, but I forgive you…because I'm patient, and I love you, and I want you to love me back."

How I wished he could hear my thoughts. I wasn't frightened of rejection, heck I wanted to tell him how I had felt for so long.

But I wanted to reveal myself first…and know that he'd still feel that love for me.

If so then…then I am his and he…he would be mine.

A waitress trotted up to our table and smiled at the two of us happily. In fact I could sense absolutely no disgust or hatred from her whatsoever. She was a curvaceous butter yellow unicorn with a tied pink ponytail and what appeared to be a milkshake glass for a cutie mark.

"Welcome to Cloppers!" she exclaimed happily. "Where the service is so good that you need only clop, and we're there."

Richie and I merely stared at the waitress in a…somewhat dumbfounded way.

"My name is Smoothie and I'm your waitress for today, may I take your order?"

Once I'd gotten over the rather toothy grin the mare produced, I quickly glanced over the menu and ordered myself a hay bacon burger with some hay fries and an apple soda.

What? I don't drink cider all the time.

Richie ordered himself steak and potato salad, the steak obviously from the griffon side of the menu.

Yet still the waitress gave off no disgust. In fact all she did was chirp her thanks and bounce happily away into the kitchens.

"Hey Chrissy."

I snapped out of my slight daze and regarded him with a warm smile.

"Yes?" I asked curiously.

He stared down at his nervously twitching fingers for a few moments, before exhaling deeply and gazing up at me with a rather thankful expression.

"You've…been really good to me ever since we met," he said gratefully. "I know I've not had the best attitude and I'm sorry for that."

I made to cut him off and sharply reject that statement…but he quickly intervened, placing his right hand on my left hoof, bringing it and the other together…where he clasped both affectionately.

"But you've been there for me from the start," he continued warmly. "You've picked me up when I fell down, helped me with my problems without so much as batting an eye and…I don't really know how to show my appreciation properly. But if you want to you could…stay the night…at mine?"

I was floored, shocked, neigh I was…beyond anything.

Was he asking what I think he was?

He caught my eye for but a brief moment and quickly raised his hands in the air.

"I-I don't mean that," he stuttered, my expression obviously giving away what I thought he meant. "It's just…you really seemed to enjoy that night we spent together. And to be honest…I did too. But it's probably a stupid thought, you don't have to-"

I promptly shut him up with a hoof over his mouth, although my gaze was firmly planted on the table.

"Don't you dare blush Chrissy!" I ordered sternly. "We're not shy, we don't blush and we most certainly- Oh for fucks sake, we're blushing!"

I could feel the heat on my cheeks and quickly tried to cool it down.

Unfortunately Richie decided it would be a perfect time to kiss the hoof on his mouth, causing my cheeks to burn like a furnace as I squealed quietly and retracted it.

"I'd love to," I agreed shyly.

He grinned at this and expelled a large wave of affection, followed up with an even larger wave of relief.

"But only if you take your jeans off this time," I added smoothly, only to giggle at the red starting to colour his cheeks.

"S-Sure."

"Really? Wow…this is going to be…quite a lovely night."

Our gaze was locked onto each other. The emotions I felt and feasted upon were…so satisfying, so filling, so…wonderful.

I reached out to caress his cheek.

"And here's your order!"

I snapped out of my emotion filled daze and quickly brought my hoof back as the waitress suddenly appeared, carrying both our dishes in her magical grip.

She placed them down on our table before winking at the two of us and bouncing merrily away.

Richie and I looked at each other for a few moments…before grinning savagely as we both began to quite literally dig into our food.

Our faces were covered in it by the time we'd succeeded in freaking out most of the restaurant, mine in the juice from the hay burger and his from the potato salad.

You should have seen their faces when I nuzzled Richie's creamy cheek, not a care in the world as I got some over my muzzle.

"Hey some of us are trying to keep our appetite here!" some stallion shouted.

I giggled and turned to face him, noticing that he had a mare around his age leaning on him, her nose turned up in the air snootily.

I locked my gaze onto the stallion and licked around my muzzle slowly, enticingly, forcing myself not to chuckle at the sudden increase in arousal…as well as a…rather hard problem he was rapidly gaining.

"I'm so sorry," I drawled sultrily. "I would've thought that you'd like a mare with cream on her muzzle, my apologies sir."

My tone evidently didn't help his problem any, something I was quickly to point out, if only to gain the snooty mares attention.

"Although it seems I was correct," I pointed out, my eyes flickering onto his barely hidden arousal beneath his table. "You seem to have a bit of a problem sir. Didn't your mother ever tell you it's rude to point?"

The mare quickly snapped out of her snobby expression and glanced beneath the table, only to gasp and slap the stallion, before somehow running away whilst hyperventilating. The stallion called out her name and quickly stumbled after her, his erection swinging wildly as he did so.

Once the door closed and everypony's eyes were finally off of me, I turned back to a very amused Richie and smirked in silent agreement.

"Wait a second…is that…arousal?"

Richie was aroused from what I'd just done?

It made little sense, especially when pretty much every time I flirted with him it went right over his head.

But still…I had aroused him and that made me feel…seductive, in a way.

And as I managed to break down the reasoning behind his arousal, I soon came to the realization that it wasn't because of my appearance.

"My words then?" I contemplated silently. "My words…excited him?"

Confidence flooded my very core.

For even if he found my real form unattractive, I now knew I could still rely on my words to…excite him.

Before I could congratulate myself any further however, Richie quickly wiped his face with a napkin and stood up. I swiftly followed suit and cleaned my muzzle, giggling silently at what it'd managed to just do nonetheless.

"I'll pay today Richie," I offered kindly, giggling even more as I noticed his stained shirt. "You should probably head on home and have a shower or something."

He cocked an eyebrow but noticed where I was looking and gazed down at his somewhat greasy clothing. He then snapped his gaze back onto me and grinned sheepishly.

"Uh, yeah I suppose I should," he agreed in amusement, before suddenly digging into his coin purse and pulling out a random amount of bits, much to my displeasure. "I know, I know. Just take it please; you know I feel bad if I don't pay at least half."

I wasn't going to…but he can pull a pretty good pair of puppy dog eyes when he needs to.

"Damn you and your adorable tiny eyes!"

"Alright Richie," I agreed begrudgingly, ignoring the victorious grin he gave me soon after. "But if you pull that expression on me again, I will lick your face like an overexcited dog and call you master repeatedly."

He held up his hands in surrender almost immediately and began slowly backing his way out of the restaurant.

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry," he grovelled, although I could sense the playfulness hidden in his emotions. "There's no need to do that again!"

I smirked at him and slowly began to let my tongue loll out of my mouth warningly.

He found his way outside rather quickly after that.

I laughed rather girlishly and paid Smoothie, as well as giving her a couple of bits for a tip.

It's not every day that you get a nice unicorn in the middle of Canterlot after all.

I was originally going to head straight on over to Richie's house, but as I could still feel the slight stickiness on my muzzle and face, I decided that a shower could do me a world of good.

So I changed my original direction and headed on back to the hotel…that I was pretty much living in full time.

It didn't take too long to get there, and the stares I received were mostly caught between whatever was left on my face and…well, whatever they were imagining from what was left on my face.

I made my way inside the hotel and waved at the receptionist in a friendly manner. She was a sweet little thing, barely old enough for the job in fact. But from what I'd managed to get from her, she was struggling to make enough money to pay for her child.

Her parents were rich, but refused to aid her unless she abandoned the foal and forgot she ever bore him. Something about him having the taint of common blood or something along those lines.

But she had rejected this…and earned my respect in the process.

"Her face when she received a bag of two thousand bits in the mail was…most satisfying."

Not that it was from me of course. I dislike ponies and would never do anything to help them.

Honest, I merely guessed the amount and got lucky with it.

"Hehe."

After taking my room key from her, I made my way up three flights of stairs until I reached the corridor with my room in it.

However upon reaching my door, I quickly sensed someone inside it and thus used my magic to open the door instead of my hooves.

The room was dark; I could barely see the pony inside it.

Not that I needed to. I could sense the suspicion and slight arrogance; it was heavy in the air.

The light quickly came on, revealing my intruder.

"Good evening Chrissy," she greeted politely. "I apologize for intruding, but I'm afraid that I could put this off no longer."

I didn't respond, choosing instead to merely glare at her as I searched my memory for a suitable spell.

"If you would please sit down," she continued respectfully. "I would like to talk to you about a certain individual."

I blinked at the request and cocked my head curiously, simultaneously using my magic to close and lock the door behind me.

Why couldn't today just go without interruption?

"Because then it'd obviously be no fun," I concluded dryly. "I could be getting on with what I'd planned to, but no of course not. Instead I have to entertain Richie's…Ex marefriend. Fucking wonderful."

To think, all I wanted was a fucking shower before I cuddled up with my future mate.

Instead I…oh fuck off, is that a bucking notebook?

"Someone out there really hates me."

Author's Note

And voila!

It took a little longer than usual to finish this, but I've had some stuff going on.

Besides you guys wanted me to spread this out XD

Unless you missed the gigantic warning at the beginning of the chapter, the next one is going to get a little bashy XD

Coming up next time on Never Judge!

Twibashing because fuck you.

Cuddling, snuggling, nuzzling and rubbing…wait?

And…the truth!

Cya next time