Celestia and the Chocolate Factory
Apple Bloom walked down the dusty road towards Ponyville, wearing a saddlebag. She headed home after a long day at Ponyvillle Elementary school.
As she walked, she passed by Sugarcube Corner. The normally tranquil, frosting-coated establishment was under siege. Ponies rushed inside. They galloped full speed ahead towards the frosting covered building, pushing and shoving each other to get in the door.
"What's going on?" Apple Bloom asked a colt who was running up to the store. He stopped and turned to answer.
"You haven't heard?" he asked, raising an eyebrow. "Princess Celestia is opening up her chocolate factory for the first time in years! But only five kids can make it in, and to get in, you have to get a silver ticket hidden inside of a Celestia chocolate bar! If you get a ticket, you also get a lifetime supply of chocolate."
"Ooh!" said Apple Bloom as she, too, rushed into the store. Crowds of ponies gathered around the counter, and Apple Bloom hopped up and down to try to get a better view.
"Alright, alright, settle down," said Mr. Cake as he walked up to the counter. He, Mrs. Cake, and Pinkie were busy ringing up orders.
"Let's see here, a caramel nougat bar for Featherweight, a princess-size dark chocolate bar for Dinky... and, oh, there's a new one in here. The Celestiariffic bar," he said, reaching into a box of candy bars.
"How does she do it?" asked a filly.
"How? Because she's the candy mare!" said Pinkie Pie. She sang a song.
Who can make the sun rise, and make candy too?
Who's a living goddess, watching everything you do.
The candy mare!
The candy mare can.
The candy mare can 'cause she has a horn and wings and can do anything.
Who can make the rainbows, put them in the sky.
Make a candy bar and read the letters from Spike?"
"The candy mare!" the crowd responded. Pinkie threw hooffulls of candy out into the crowd, as the fillies and colts rushed around the store, grabbing things off the shelves. Apple Bloom just stood there, wishing she could afford some of the free candy. But alas, she was too poor even for that.
"The candy mare, oh the candy mare can.
The candy mare can 'cause she has a horn and wings and can do anything.
The candy mare makes everything she bakes tasty and nutritious.
Okay, maybe not nutritious but they sure are delicious!
Who raises the moon, and spies on all our dreams?
Who says thee and thou and talks in ye olde speech?
The Candy Mare-- Wait, that's not right. That's her sister, Princess Luna. Silly me! But anyway...
The candy mare, oh the candy mare can.
The candy mare can 'cause she has a horn and wings and can do anything.
Anything... except defeat the Changeling Queen."
Apple Bloom left the store, dejected that she would never win the contest. As she walked back towards her farm, she ran into Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom.
"Hey, Apple Bloom! Did ya hear about the new contest to get into the Celestia Chocolate Factory and win a lifetime supply of chocolate?" asked Scootaloo.
"Yeah, but I can't afford to buy enough chocolate bars to get in there! I ain't never goin'..." Apple Bloom hung her head dejectedly.
"Aw, cheer up Apple Bloom," said Sweetie Belle, "Being poor isn't so bad."
You probably thought I'd parody "Cheer Up Charlie." And I would, but I don't think anyone really remembers that song.
Scootaloo said, "Yeah, and besides... you can pitch in with us to buy a case of chocolate bars and we can start a pool! My parents do that whenever the lottery gets to be really high."
"That's great thinkin,' Scootaloo! Let's go back to Sweet Apple Acres so I can bust open mah piggy bank!"
The trio headed off towards Sweet Apple Acres.
*****
"Daddy! Why haven't you found me a silver ticket yet!" Diamond Tiara screeched at her father. They stood in his office inside of Rich's Barnyard Bargains, an office which now had several broken windows.
"Sorry, honey, but I've opened every single bar that we had in stock at Rich's Barnyard Bargains, and none of them have the ticket in them. There's only five of them out there, so they're pretty rare..."
"But Silver Spoon got one, because her daddy loved her. Don't you love me?"
"But honey, if we open them, we can't sell them, and I'll lose money," said Filthy Rich.
"Then just open the chocolate bars, check for the ticket, and then put the paper back over the bar. No one will notice," Tiara suggested, a devilish grin on her face.
"Well, alright..." Rich obliged, scratching the back of his head with his hoof.
*****
Snips and Snails sat at the lunch table at Ponyville Elementary's cafeteria.
"So, what did you get in your lunchbox?" asked Snips.
"Just a sandwich, a juice box, and a Celestia bar!" Snails said, pulling out the candy bar.
"Wow, that's cool! Normally my mom wouldn't get me anything but an apple, but this time..."
Snips pulled out an identical bar. "She said it's my patriotic duty to the princess to eat this."
"Nice," said Snails.
"A toast to mothers who put candy in our lunchboxes!" said Snails.
"Here, here!" said Snips, as they raised their juice boxes in the air and opened their candy bars.
"Woah, what's this silver thing in here?" asked Snips, "Is this one of those tickets?"
"I dunno, but I got one too!" said Snails, pulling out an identical ticket.
"We both got tickets at the same time? What are the odds of that?" asked Snips.
"One in three billion, two hundred seventy five million, eight hundred ninety one thousand, seven hundred ninety four," they heard a voice say. Snips and Snails turned back and saw Twilight Sparkle, who winked at them.
*****
"Alright, girls, let's get to work opening these candy bars!"
The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat in their clubhouse, a case of one hundred Celestia bars sitting in front of them. Apple Bloom had pitched enough to cover roughly two of those bars.
"Let's get opening!" Scootaloo exclaimed.
The grabbed the bars in their teeth, tearing off the paper wrappers. After about thirty minutes, they were down to three bars left. Chocolate bar wrappers and bits of half-eaten bars covered the floor.
"Ugh, I don't feel so good... I think I had like thirty chocolate bars..." said Scootaloo.
"Thirty? I had fifty!" exclaimed Sweetie Belle, who was so bloated that she had grown to the size of half of the treehouse. The floorboards creaked under her massive weight.
"Hahaha!" Apple Bloom laughed. "Ain't nopony said we had to eat 'em all, just that we had to open 'em all! I only ate five!"
"Well," said Scootaloo, reaching into the box, "Three left. We each open one."
Each pony grabbed a bar in her mouth. Apple Bloom took a deep breath, paused for a moment, and then tore hers open. As she did, she noticed a small glint of silver. Her pupils widened as she removed the silver ticket. The other two girls squealed.
"Oh my Celestia!" shouted Scootaloo.
"What does it say?" asked Sweetie Belle.
Apple Bloom read, "Congratulations. This ticket entitles you to one (1) trip to Celestia's Chocolate Factory in Canterlot on the seventeenth of Cloptober with up to two guests..."
Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo opened their mouths wide.
"...provided that the guests are parents or other legal guardians."
"Awwww!" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle groaned.
"That means only one of us can go. But we all pitched in on this case, so how do we decide?" asked Scootaloo.
"We all pitched in? Apple Bloom only gave us two bits, and the case cost a hundred!" Sweetie Belle said, "Only two of these bars were yours!"
"Then I'm countin' this as one of 'em!" said Apple Bloom, glaring at Sweetie Belle and clutching the ticket close to her.
"That's not fair; you opened way more than two!" Sweetie Belle said, scowling at Apple Bloom and taking a step towards her.
"Girls!" said Scootaloo, stepping in between them, "We need to solve this without fighting. How about we play rock-paper-scissors for it."
"Okay," said Apple Bloom. The Cutie Mark Crusaders sat down in a circle.
Scootaloo said, "Rock, paper, scissors, shoot!" and they each put their hooves out. All three of them had used rock.
"Draw," said Scootaloo. "Let's try again."
Apple Bloom had an idea.
"Rock, paper, scissors--" In a flash, Apple Bloom picked up the silver ticket with her hoof, just before Scootaloo said, "--Shoot!"
Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle had both used rock again.
"I beat both of y'all!" exclaimed Apple Bloom, holding the ticket over their hooves. "Paper covers rock!"
"No fair! I want a rematch!" whined Sweetie Belle.
"Well Sweetie Belle, she did beat us," said Scootaloo.
"Woohoo!" yelled Apple Bloom.
"Run, Apple Bloom! Run straight home, and don't stop until you get there!" said Scootaloo.
Apple Bloom dashed out of the clubhouse, running back towards her farm. However, a brilliant white light flashed in front of her. She stopped in her tracks as the draconeqqus Discord stood before her.
"Congratulations, Apple Bloom," said Discord. "You've found a silver ticket."
"What do you want?" asked Apple Bloom.
"Celestia is working on a new invention. It's a candy that never runs out. It's called the Neverending Jawbreaker. If you bring one of them to me, I will make you a very wealthy mare.”
He disappeared in a flash of white light. Puzzled, Apple Bloom continued on towards her home.
*****
“Granny Smith! Big Macintosh! Applejack! Look what I got!” Apple Bloom yelled out as she entered the front door of her home.
“Eewhat?” asked Big Macintosh, who looked up from a newspaper he was reading.
“I’ve got a silver ticket!”
“Why, that’s great! I’m so proud’a you, sugarcube,” said Applejack, who had just rushed into the room.
“And I get to take up to one family member. So…”
Granny Smith finally entered the foyer, inching forward with her walker.
“Whatsa? Whosit? What’s this I hear about Apple Bloom?” she asked.
“I got a silver ticket to get into Celestia’s chocolate factory in Canterlot and get a lifetime supply of chocolate! Wanna come on the tour with me?”
“Apple Bloom, Granny Smith’s a mite old to be goin’ all the way to Canterlot. Heck, she can barely make it down the stairs,” said Applejack.
“Eeyup,” added Big Macintosh.
Suddenly, the three of them heard a crashing sound as Granny Smith’s walker hit the wall. They looked over at Granny Smith as she jumped for joy up and down in the air.
“Chocolate? I love chocolate!” Granny Smith exclaimed.
“Granny? You can walk and jump? It’s a miracle!” exclaimed Applejack.
“Praise Celestia,” said Big Macintosh.
"Oh, this?” asked Granny Smith, “Ain’t no miracle. The walker is just an act. I’ve jus’ been doin’ this to scam Medimare and get disability benefits! But with a silver ticket to a chocolate factory? I’m willin’ to give up the act. Yeehaw!”
Granny Smith sang a song.
“I never thought that I would be
inside a chocolate factory,
But suddenly you’ve come home
with a surprise for me.
‘Cause you’ve got a silver ticket
You’ve got some chocolate for me to enjoy.
I was scammin’ Medimare
Pretendin’ to be an invalid,
but now I don’t even really care
If they find out about it.
'Cause I've got a silver ticket
From the one with the sun up in the sky.
Even if I must pay a fine
Or end up in jail, then I don’t mind
Cause chocolate just tastes so great!”
With that, Apple Bloom and her not-so-disabled granny skipped off together merrily towards Canterlot.
*****
“Welcome to my chocolate factory! For many years, the exact nature of what goes on in here has been concealed: a closely kept secret.”
Princess Celestia spoke from in front of the big brass gates of her chocolate factory. Her face repeatedly flashed white as news reporters took dozens of photographs.
“Now, without further ado, let our tour begin!” she said. Her horn glowed as the brass gates swung open.
Apple Bloom, Granny Smith, Diamond Tiara, Filthy Rich, Snips, Snails, and Silver Spoon entered. Snips would’ve brought his father, but he was asleep in the hotel room, trying to recover from a massive hangover. Snails would've brought his mother, but she was allergic to chocolate. Silver Spoon would’ve brought her mother, but her mother had no time to spend with her.
Hey, it’s a better excuse than the truth, which is that I simply refuse to do OCs.
The crowd cheered as the eight ponies walked. Celestia’s horn glowed once more as the door to the lobby opened. The group of ponies entered and the door shut behind them.
“Now, before we enter, there’s a few housekeeping issues we have to address. I need you all to sign the standard contract.”
She floated a dozen pieces of paper over to them, along with quills.
Apple Bloom glanced at the paper, and saw that the writing was too small to be read with the naked eye.
“What’s it say?” she asked.
“I never sign a contract without knowing what it says, Princess,” said Filthy Rich.
“Oh,” Celestia said, “it’s just a standard waiver agreeing not to sue me if you are injured, and a standard confidentiality agreement saying that you are not able to disclose anything you see here, or I’ll banish you to the moon. You know, nothing important.” Celestia grinned.
“When do we get to eat chocolate?” asked Snails.
“In good time, my dear colt. Just sign the waiver.”
The ponies each signed the form, and Celestia took the forms back.
“Now, we can go into the inner room of the factory. Onward!” said Celestia, walking through another door, with the group of ponies following.
They reached the next room and looked around in awe. Though it was inside, fields of bright green grass covered the floor. Flowers, trees, and bushes covered the ground.
After looking more closely, Apple Bloom discovered that every thing in the room was made of candy.
“Look granny, it’s candy!” she said.
“Ooh, yum!” Granny Smith said.
“Indeed, everything in this room is edible," said Princess Celestia. “Have whatever you want.”
Everpony ran off and started eating the candy trees, the candy grass, and the candy flowers. Apple Bloom picked a candy flower and took a bite.
“Are you planning to pay for that free candy?” Apple Bloom turned around and saw Celestia grinning at her.
“Just kidding,” she chuckled.
Celestia sang a song.
"If you eat
Too much candy
You will have
a heart complication.
Be obese
Diabetetes.
It's your complication.
Let us start
With the heart
Too much lard
Will lead to your asphyxiation.
It's okay
If you stay
In moderation.
If you want to be out of shape
Never exercise, don't do it.
Just let yourself go, get to it.
Break your bathroom scale?
There's nothin' to it.
Being fat's
Not all that
It's a disgusting
and repulsive transformation.
Being there
You can eat
All you truly wish to eat."
All the ponies continued to eat, and none of them heeded her word, because in three years on the show we have never once seen an overweight or obese pony, so I guess it just can't happen to them.
“Now,” said Celestia, pointing across the chocolate river, “here is where we mix the chocolate. See that chocolate waterfall? It churns the chocolate, and then my workers add powder to it."
They saw giant vats that read "mind control chemicals" on them.
"That is only sugar, and definitely NOT chemicals meant to keep ponies complacent. Only a conspiracy theorist like Alex Pones would say that,” said Celestia.
The ponies glanced at the workers. They were ponies with pure black coats, insect wings, and horns. Snips finally said what everypony was thinking.
“They’re changelings!”
“Oh, yes,” said Celestia, “I ‘rescued’ these changelings from the changeling kingdom. In exchange for living in the wonderful land of Equestria, they agreed to work for me for free forever! Isn’t that a good deal?”
Snails walked over to the chocolate river and bent down, taking gulps from it.
“I’d rather these manufacturing jobs go to hard-working Equestrians instead of illegal changeling immigrants,” Filthy Rich scoffed at Celestia.
“Says a stallion who buys cheap Chineighse goods to put in his big box stores, thereby contributing to the decline of goods made in Equestria,” Celestia said, a smug look on her face. Filthy Rich blushed.
Suddenly, they heard a splashing sound behind them as Snails swam in the river, taking giant sips.
“Snails? What are you doing?” Snips cried out.
“It’s so good!” he said, floating downstream towards a valve. He attempted to swim back, but the current was too strong. His eyes widened as he realized he’d be sucked into the valve.
“Somepony help me!” Snails yelled, trying to paddle away from the valve, but finding that his efforts only slowed his inevitable fate.
Celestia stood there, staring off into space. “Oh, what, me? No, the current is much too strong.”
“Just fly over there and use your magic to pull him out!” said Snips.
Celestia stood there for another thirty seconds until Snails’ paddling could no longer keep him from being sucked in the valve, and the valve pulled him up.
“Nope, too late now,” Celestia said.
“But you could’ve--” Snips started. But he was interrupted as the changelings sang a song.
“Changeling, changeling, changeling-do.
I have a perfect puzzle for you.
Changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.
If you are wise you will listen to me.
“What do you get when you’re dumb as a brick?
Thinking it’s good to take stupid risks.
Jumping in rivers is stupid to do,
But then you have the nerve to go sue.
But it was all your own fault.
Changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.
If you’re not stupid, you will go far.
You won’t do such stupid things.
Like the changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.”
“But what about Snails!?” Snips asked.
Celestia looked at the valve, which Snails was caught in.
“He’ll be fine; there's enough oxygen in those tubes. At least, I think there is. Now, onward. We have to take a boat to get to the next part of the factory.”
Celestia walked over to a pier, with the rest of the group following her. At the end of the pier was a small riverboat, big enough for Celestia and the remaining four ponies and their parents.
“This is my boat, the S.S. Celestitanic,” she said.
They filed into the boat as the two changelings at the paddlewheel paddled and the boat moved forward.
The boat chugged along the river until it entered a tunnel.
“Wow, it’s kinda dark in here,” said Diamond Tiara, “Somepony turn on the lights!”
“Yeah, what she said,” said Silver Spoon.
“What’s the magic word?” Celestia prompted.
“Please?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Thank you, Apple Bloom. But unfortunately, there are no lights. We must press on in darkness.”
As the boat continued on, images appeared on the tunnel walls. They children saw Nightmare Moon, Discord, and a visual reenactment of Cupcakes as the boat sped up and traveled at insane speeds.
The wind whipped Apple Bloom’s hair back, blowing it in her face.
“Slow down!” yelled Granny Smith.
“Daddy, make it stop!” cried Diamond Tiara.
“Princess Celestia, make it stop!” Filthy Rich asked.
“Rowers, make it stop!” Celestia commanded. Suddenly, A light switched on and they found themselves in front of a door on the side of the tunnel. Ahead of them, they saw a giant fan switched off. Behind them, they saw that the entrance to the tunnel was only a short distance away. The entire ride had been an illusion.
The ponies dismounted the boat, disoriented from this experience.
“Wasn’t that fun?” Celestia exclaimed, as the “You’ve Been Trolled” song played in the background.
Diamond Tiara fainted onto the floor.
“Now, in that contract you signed, you agreed to never mention that boat ride again and act like it never happened,” said Celestia, “and I trust that none of you will.”
None of them ever mentioned it again.
The ponies went into the next room. It was full of vats of liquid sugar, which Oompa changelings in white lab coats tested.
“This is the R&D room,” said Princess Celestia. “It’s where our newest flavors and types of candy are tested.”
“This is a candy cane,” she said, grabbing a red and white candy cane the size of an actual cane. “It’s perfect for the elderly who also have low blood sugar. It also comes in a walker variety.”
Upon saying the word “walker,” Celestia glared over at Granny Smith, a knowing look on her face as Granny Smith shrunk back, blushing.
“Now here is a candy which looks like a flavor and tastes like a color.” Celestia floated a lemon-looking candy in front of them to demonstrate. She popped it into her mouth, and it tasted yellow.
“Also, this is the first in our line of new adult candies,” she said, pointing towards a suggestively-shaped chocolate bar.
“And one more thing… here are our neverending jawbreakers. These things last forever!”
“That’s pretty neat,” said Apple Bloom.
“Can we have them?” asked Diamond Tiara.
“Only if you promise not to give them to Discord!” said Celestia. “Or else Discord Candy might overtake me, and my administration might have to engage in some economic central planning to get him to stop! You don’t want lines snaking around the block for a single bar of chocolate, do you? So promise.”
“We promise,” said the ponies. Diamond Tiara crossed her hooves behind her back.
Celestia floated them each a neverending jawbreaker. Diamond Tiara kicked Apple Bloom in the side, and hers fell out of her mouth.
"Blank flank!" Diamond Tiara said. Granny Smith turned menacingly towards Diamond Tiara, and she shrunk back.
“Ooh, what’s this?” asked Silver Spoon, looking at a piece of candy on a machine.
“That is candy which will be sure to make you the most popular girl in school,” said Celestia. “It works by leveraging the talents of your cutie mark and making them go into overdrive.”
Silver Spoon grinned. She wouldn’t have to be Diamond Tiara’s little errand mare anymore! She could stop living in her best friend’s shadow! She could live her dreams of being popular!
Silver Spoon grabbed a piece of candy and put it into her mouth.
“Wait, no! It’s still in the testing phase!” Celestia urged.
Silver Spoon ignored the princess, chewing and chewing. However, in a few moments, in the grey filly’s place an actual silver spoon stood. It clanked to the floor.
“Silver Spoon!" Diamond Tiara cried. "Now who will be my little bi--I mean, friend? My little friend? What will happen to her?”
“Well, since she's a silver spoon, I am sure that there are many nobles and rich businesstallions who will want to eat their caviar from her until I find a way to turn her back.”
“But… but…” Diamond Tiara said, “Who will I boss--I mean, be friends with? She can’t spend her life being used like that!”
“On the contrary,” said Celestia, “When she was still a pony, she was quite content to be a tool.”
The changelings came in and sang once more.
“Changeling, changeling, changeling-do.
I have another puzzle for you.
Changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.
If you are wise you will listen to me.
What do you get when you’re used and abused?
Letting yourself be another mare’s tool?
You spend your life just trying to please.
But it will leave yourself empty.
You should be your own mare.
Changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.
If you’re not stupid, you will go far.
You won’t do such stupid things.
Like the changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.”
The three remaining children, their guardians, and Celestia continued along to the next room.
“Now, this here is called Fizzy Floating Beverage,” said Celestia, “It allows you to float higher and higher with each sip you take!”
“It lets you float? You mean how pegasi already can? They can fly, after all,” said Filthy Rich.
“Or even unicorns, sometimes,” said Snails, referring to the self-levitation ability that is sometimes seen on the show, except for times when it would actually come in handy. Mostly they just use it to goof around.
Celestia blushed. “Uh… well… yeah, I guess that is kind of a flaw in my marketing plan, isn’t it? Ah, well, maybe earth ponies will drink it. Moving right along.”
The group continued, but Apple Bloom and Granny Smith stayed behind. Apple Bloom peered down the hallway.
“Granny Smith, we gotta try some of this!” said Apple Bloom.
“Sounds like a hoot,” said Granny Smith. She and her granddaughter walked into the room, grabbing bottles of the drink and opening them.
They each took a sip, and they slowly rose off the ground.
“Wow, this is fun!” said Apple Bloom.
“I feel lighter than air!” Granny Smith exclaimed.
They continued to float higher and higher until they saw that they were reaching the ceiling. The ceiling had a giant fan which spun blades around and around.
“How do we get down?” asked Apple Bloom.
“I ain’t got a clue!” said Granny Smith.
Apple Bloom glanced at the spinning blades. They were spinning incredibly fast, so fast that it was hard to tell that there was more than one blade.
“Maybe if we burped?” asked Apple Bloom.
“What? No. Mind yer manners, young’n,” Granny Smith scolded.
“But we’re about to die!” said Apple Bloom.
Suddenly, the blades quit spinning and slowed down, as somepony elsewhere in the factory had hit the “off” button on the factory air conditioning.
In a few minutes, the effects of the drink wore off, and they floated back down to earth.
“Let’s never do that again,” said Granny Smith.
“Agreed,” said Apple Bloom, and the two continued down the hallway to catch up with the others.
*****
“Now, here is the part of the factory where we get the milk for our chocolate,” said Princess Celestia.
All around the room, cows stood in front of giant tubes. Their udders were hooked up to machines that got the milk out of them.
Diamond Tiara glared at the cows. She realized something which made her heart race in delight. None of these cows had any of their cutie marks!
Diamond Tiara jumped on top of a girder and shouted at the top of her lungs,”BLAAAAANK FLAAANKS!”
Somewhere in a utensil drawer far off in the distance, a silver spoon clinked in agreement, with a noise too small to be perceived by anypony.
“How ruuuuuude,” one of the cows mooed.
“We doooo have our cuuuutie marks,” said another.
“Indeed,” said Celestia, “All of them have a cutie mark of a puddle of spilled chocolate milk. It kinda mixes in with their other brown splotches that they have as cows, but it’s there.”
“Diamond Tiara, honey, can you get down from there?” asked Filthy Rich.
“No! They’re blank flanks! They deserve every word of it! They don’t have their cutie mark like me, which is that I’m destined to be a princess!”
“Uh, actually, your talent is bein' a spoiled brat!” said Granny Smith.
“And a bully!” said Apple Bloom.
“No!” Diamond Tiara screamed.
“You know I think you’re special, Diamond Tiara; don’t listen to them,” her father said.
“She’s special, alright. Especially mean!” said Granny Smith.
“No!” Diamond Tiara screamed.
She then jumped down from the girder onto the ground and started to sing a song.
“I am unique.
I am a so special.
I am a snowflake unlike all these blank flanks
These cows are a waste case.
They’re not like me.
No!”
Diamond Tiara ran around the room, bucking the cows in the udders and breaking the milk machinery that they were hooked up to. Milk splashed everywhere around the room as she continued her rampage and the cows mooed in protest.
“These cows are lame,
So is Apple Bloom.
I have a talent and I am so gallant
All the mares and stallions
Can't be like me...
No!”
She continued around the room, smashing the milk machines until she ran back for a grand finale of egotism and brattiness. However, she slipped in some of the spilled milk and went sliding down towards a catwalk with no railings. She fell off and screamed as she plummeted down into the depths of the factory.
“Noooooo!” she screamed.
“Serves ya right!” shouted Apple Bloom.
“Diamond Tiara!” her father shouted. “Princess Celestia, how dare you build a factory with such blatant disregard for safety! There should have been a railing on that catwalk!”
“And you shouldn’t have raised a daughter with such disregard for the rights of others,” said Celestia. “So I guess we’re even. Down below us is the waste milk room; it houses all of the milk which is too impure to go in my chocolate. She’ll be a bit dirty and may end up with bovine tuberculosis, but she’ll be fine. Better go fish her out!”
Filthy Rich ran off towards the stairway to go retrieve her daughter. As he did, the changelings all came out and sang once more.
““Changeling, changeling, changeling-do.
I have another puzzle for you.
Changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.
If you are wise you will listen to me.
What do you get when you’re kid is so mean?
Thinking that she is a princess or queen?
She gives the blank flanks such a hard time,
But it’s because she’s blank inside.
Her father’s an enabler.
Changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.
If you’re don’t bully, you will go far.
You won’t have to be so mean.
Like the changeling, changeling, changeling-ding.”
Celestia glared at the changelings. "Get back to work or I'll have you deported," she said.
"Uh, actually that would be kinda preferable to working with no pay," said one of the changelings.
"Well, tough. You're locked in here forever," said Celestia. The changelings all got back to work. Apple Bloom felt a knot in her stomach at seeing their mistreatment, but stayed silent.
“Uh, Princess Celestia, I have a question,” said Snips. “So these changelings say that they aren’t mean, but didn’t they try to take over Equestria?”
Celestia answered, “I’m sorry, but all questions must be submitted in writing.”
“So what’s next?” asked Apple Bloom.
“Next is the radio room.”
“What’s a radio? Is it one’a those newfangled doohickeys?” asked Granny Smith.
“You’ll see.”
The four remaining ponies walked into the next room, which was entirely white except for a radio sitting in the middle.
“Now, here is where we broadcast our chocolate advertisements to the rest of Equestria.”
The radio had a microphone attached to it, into which a changeling spoke with a golden radio voice.
“New Celestiariffic bars! They melt in your mouth, and you simply must try them!”
Behind him, another changeling whispered in a faint, almost imperceptible tone, “You will never find true happiness without these chocolate bars.”
“What’s he doin’?” asked Apple Bloom.
“That, my dear little ponies, is called subliminal advertising. Ponies don’t even know that it’s working on them, because it only hits on a subconscious level. So they will have the overwhelming urge to buy my chocolate and not know why!”
“Ain’t that illegal?” asked Granny Smith.
Celestia glared at her and then spoke, “I am the law.”
“Well, that’s pretty nifty,” said Snips.
“Okay, that concludes our tour. Right this way and we can come into my office, and I’ll give you your lifetime supply of chocolate.”
“Wait, no. That ain’t right. You can’t just hypnotize ponies into likin' yer chocolate. You know what, I don’t even want the lifetime supply anymore,” said Apple Bloom.
“Dishonesty is the worst policy!” said Granny Smith
“Yay, that means that I win! Because I don’t care!” exclaimed Snips.
“Well I do care!” said Apple Bloom. “Princess or no, you can’t run a factory like this. It ain’t right! You can’t force ponies to work for you forever with no pay like these changelin’s. That’s slavery!”
Granny Smith added, “I agree! You cain’t put mind control chemicals in your chocolate! You cain’t just let visitors to your factory die, even if they’re id’jiots. I woulda expected better of a princess. Y’er a crook and a swindler!”
“Pfft,” Snips scoffed. “I don’t care about that stuff! Just look at how I acted when the Great and Powerful Trixie was in town. If you guys wanna turn down a lifetime supply of chocolate, that’s your mistake. Morals, schmorals!”
“And that,” said Princess Celestia, turning to Snips, “is why I have to turn you away, Snips.”
“Whaaaaat!?” Snips exclaimed.
“You both are right, Apples. I shouldn’t run a factory like this. That’s why I don’t. The changelings? They’re all just hard-working Equestrian citizens in costumes.”
The changelings reached their hooves up to their foreheads and pulled down zippers, revealing the ponies underneath.
“Subliminal advertising? I don't actually use it, and even if I did, there's little proof of its effectiveness. The mind control chemicals? They really were just sugar. And none of your friends were ever in any danger. I have a spell which teleports ponies out of my factory if they break the rules. They’ll all be fine, and even Silver Spoon will be restored back to her true self.
“All of this was a test to see if I could entrust my factory to a successor. You see, despite my immortality, I am still getting old, and will need ponies to take over my business so I can focus on raising the sun.
“I would have picked Twilight Sparkle and made her the Princess of Chocolate, but she told me that she wanted to be the Princess of Books. So I held this contest to see who could run this factory. I wanted somepony who loved chocolate and wanted to make a lot of money, just like you, Apple Bloom. But I also wanted a pony who would run my factory on sound business practices based on responsibility and ethics. That disqualifies both Snips as well as all of the other ponies. They would only run this factory with a reckless endangerment, jeopardizing profitability. They certainly would not plan for financial stability or sound ethical decisions. By calling me out, Apple Bloom, you have passed the test.”
“What?” asked Snips, blinking, not comprehending what such big words meant.
“You haven’t left already?” asked Celestia, eyeing Snips. He blushed and scurried towards the door.
“At least I can give this jawbreaker to Discord!” said Snips, a grin on his face.
“He works for me,” Celestia said. A white light flashed and the Draconeqqus appeared. He grinned and took the jawbreaker from Snips.
Apple Bloom turned back towards Celestia. “What about the lifetime supply of chocolate?” she asked.
Celestia chuckled, “When you run this factory, you can have all the chocolate you want. After, of course, your granny pays back all those disability dollars she stole."
Granny Smith blushed.
Celestia smiled. "Now come on, let’s go smash through the roof of the factory with a flying glass elevator.”
Granny Smith and Apple Bloom blinked.
“Just kidding,” Celestia chuckled. “How dangerous and reckless do you think that would be?”
Author's Note
Thanks for reading! Want to read more parodies of classic musicals? Check out Mary Poppins Pony Parody and The Wonderful Wizard of Equestria.
