Sitting on a throne all day isn't as great as it sounds. In fact, it is probably the most boring thing a person (or pony) can do. I don't know how Celestia and Luna manage it, but I for one envy their ability to remain calm and collected under a barrage of dullness.
This particular day was nothing special. A few clouds hung in the sky, and the occasional rainstorm would bring some much needed water to the various farms across Equestria. I was in the throne room, with Twilight and some of our friends, when the door swung open and a pegasus guard entered carrying a bag in his mouth.
The image of a lightning bolt in front of a shield on his flank told me that it was Flash Sentry. Now, truth be told, I've never really liked the guy. I know he's got his eyes on my wife, but I can't prove it. What I do know, however, is that he makes no attempt to hide the fact he dislikes me as much as I do him.
I only keep him around because one, Celestia herself assigned him to me and two, he can't get a transfer without my say-so. So, in all honesty, I'm only keeping him on staff because it annoys him.
Flash stopped in front of me and spat the bag onto the floor at my feet before dipping his head in the sarcastic little bow he reserves especially for me. "Here's the mail, your Highness," he said, the venom in his voice all too apparent. "Will that be all?"
"Uh no, actually," I replied. "I want you to stand there and wait until I've read all of these. Then you can wait until I write my replies... and then you can take them to the mail office for processing, like a good little guardpony."
Flash scowled at me but took his place at my side nonetheless. I grinned wickedly and picked up the bag. Looking into it, I could make out thirteen envelopes and a parcel. But as I looked through them I became acutely aware of something, aside from the fact that the bag bore the words 'LOVE FROM EARTH'.
"Uhh, Flash?" I asked. "Not all of these are for me. Some are addressed to Twilight... and even Fluttershy has one. Did these things even go through security?"
"As far as I know, yes they have," Flash replied with a roll of his eyes. "But if it makes you feel any better, perhaps I can send for somepony to come and hold your hand?"
"Can the sarcasm, Private," I snapped. "I'll read them, but if anything happens, then so help me I will haunt your flank for the rest of your life, got it?"
"Yes, your Highness," Flash saluted sarcastically. I ignored him and watched as Fluttershy came over.
"Um, did you say there was a letter for me?" she asked, to which I nodded. "Oh, that's nice... but who would be writing to me?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "But we'll find out soon enough." With that, I opened the first letter and cast my eyes over it for a moment before reading it out loud.
Dear the 3 humans in Equestria,
What is your prank for April Foals Day? Also, can Ace let me borrow the portal machine so I can go to the Cookieverse?
Signed,
A. Stalker
"Stalker?" I said, slightly disturbed. "Well that's disconcerting. But I guess I haven't really thought of a prank for April Foal's Day. What about you, John?"
John shook his head. "And even if I did, I wouldn't discuss it with you lot," he replied. "I'm pretty secretive about stuff like that."
"I haven't got anything either," Ace added. "And who the hell does this guy think he is, asking to use my portal? It took long enough to calibrate it so that it would bring us here... though even I have to admit that a universe full of cookies sounds amazing. Right, Pinks?"
Pinkie exploded with glee. "Yep-a-rooni!" she squealed. "It would be the most splendiferous universe ever!"
"It sounds to me like a one-way ticket to a bad stomach," Twilight said. "Not to mention really bad teeth."
"I'd love to see a place like that," Flash interjected. "I really like cookies, and I think my family would—"
"Did I give you permission to speak?" I interrupted. Flash looked at me for a moment before he snorted and cursed under his breath. Once again I ignored him and looked at the envelopes. "Well, I guess that answered those questions. But it would seem that we're not done yet, so let's crack on."
I opened another letter and read it.
Dear everypony and everybody in the Geoverse,
What are your opinions on the upcoming rise of Robot Doctor... or whatever his name is? Also: what are your opinions on mixing gunpowder with confetti and then adding that to dynamite and using it in partying, as well as using gunpowder and frosting in bombs? Please give me an answer so that I can cause mayhem in Canterlot.
Signed,
An ambitious troublemaker and bringer of all things random
The whole room was in a state of confusion by the time I had read this one out. Ace was the first to speak.
"'Robot Doctor?" he asked disbelievingly, before addressing the ceiling as if whoever sent the letter was in the room. "I'll have you know, pal, that I'm the only person here with a robot army. Big whoop, wanna fight about it? Because if you do, then I'll be all too happy to oblige!"
He glared at nothing in particular for a moment. His fists were clenched, he was grinding his teeth and his eye had developed a tic. After a while he suddenly stopped and looked at us, eerily calm. Rainbow Dash nervously cleared her throat.
"Uhh... right," she said hesitantly. "But what I want to know is: what the hay is the 'Geoverse'? Doesn't this bozo know what 'Equestria' is? 'Geoverse' makes it sound like Geo is planning on taking over or something."
"Which I'm not," I said quickly. "But I do like the idea of having a country named after me. Though, personally, I wouldn't call it 'The Geoverse' — that shit sounds like a really weird story."
"What would you call it then?" Twilight asked. "And, more to the point, would I be a part of it?"
"Of course you would, Twi," I said, giving her a kiss. "You'd be my Queen... or whatever, I'm not sure about a name. But the fact remains that I am not planning on taking over Equestria."
"And what about his other questions?" John asked. "Dude is making himself out to be some kind of party terrorist. Do you think we should be worried, maybe increase security?"
"We'll pass this on to the Royal Guard and let them handle it," I replied. "But in the meantime, somepony -" I glanced at Flash, "- is going to be holding a match to the cakes I eat from now on."
"Gunpowder and frosting, huh?" Ace put a hand to his chin. "I wonder if that would even work..."
He took out a notepad and jotted something down, presumably about getting back to his lab and blowing shit up. He put the pad back with a small grin on his face, already clearly excited about running the tests he had in mind.
I reached into the bag again and took out a rather bulky parcel. I raised an eyebrow at it, but opened it nonetheless. As soon as I did, I laid eyes upon something rather unexpected — a whip. I ran a hand along it slowly, reading a small tag which bore the words 'DISCIPLINARY ACTION'. I took out the letter, which had been stuffed haphazardly into the box and read it to myself while my friends watched on in silent wonder.
Dear Geo,
Enclosed is the Soldier's whip from TF2. I would very much appreciate it if you could use it to whip Rainbow Dash on the flank and then try to run away.
Signed,
A Faithful Follower
I put the letter back in the box and took the whip out. It was made of a smooth wood, and the loop – the actual whip part – was made of leather. Genuine leather, if the smell was anything to go by. Without warning, I swung it through the air and whacked it on the throne. A loud crack resonated through the air, scaring the crap out of everyone nearby. They turned to glare at me, but I was only interested in one of them — Dash.
I casually sauntered over to her and gauged her reaction. She was looking at me with a raised eyebrow and crossed forelegs, hovering a few feet above the ground. I chuckled at the fact she was making this so much easier for me, before swinging the whip again and spanking her on the left flank with it. She gasped in shock as I ran off, cackling like a madman.
"What did you do that for?!" Twilight bellowed. "Have you finally lost your mind?"
I didn't reply, as I was too busy running — only to stop in my tracks when I noticed that Dash wasn't chasing me. "Shit," I whispered. "I think I might have hurt her." I walked back to her only to find that instead of pain, she was blushing profusely. Hearing my footsteps she turned around, her eyes darting around the room as she hovered at eye level. She licked her lips and leaned forwards. I shut my eyes and clenched my teeth, preparing myself to receive the verbal bashing of a lifetime.
"Would you..." Dash paused and took a few breaths. "Would you mind if I took that thing home with me? The one I've got is all tattered, and Rarity refuses to fix it."
My eyes snapped open and I looked straight into hers. She was still blushing, and was chewing her bottom lip so hard she had drawn blood. I could see Spark Plug out of the corner of my vision, doing his best to avoid looking at me. But he couldn't hide the blush that was also creeping onto his face. Wordlessly I nodded and handed Dash the whip. She tested the weight of it for a moment — before tucking it under a wing and punching me in the gut with a forehoof.
"That's for thinking I'd be upset with you," she grinned as she flew back over to stand beside a still-blushing Spark Plug. I coughed and walked back over to the mailbag, taking out another letter while trying to delete all the mental images my brain was producing.
"Here's another letter," I said. "And it's addressed to you, Twi." I passed it over to her and she opened it.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
Your husband is thinking about other mares in his sleep, particularly about certain pink coloured ponies. Perhaps he has a thing for that colour. On the other hand, perhaps it is their ‘position of power’ that he yearns for, I cannot tell.
Signed,
A.N. Emperor
PS: Why do you ponies call the Crystal Empire an empire if it is more of a city state than an empire?
PPS: In due time, you will know the true meaning of the word 'empire'. MUAHAHAhahaha… haha… ha…!
Needless to say, Twilight did not look very happy by the time she had finished reading this letter.
"Is this true, Geo?" she demanded. "Do you really think about other mares while you sleep?" She read the letter again. "Pink, eh? Who could it possibly b—"
She turned around slowly and glared at Pinkie, who immediately went pale and began waving her forelegs in a 'no way' gesture.
"It's not me!" she said. "And remember, I'm not the only pink mare you know! What about... what about Cadence? She's in a 'position of power', since she's ruler of the Crystal Empire and all!"
Twilight gasped and she turned to glare at me again.
"In the name of—" I spluttered. "I don't think about other mares! At least... not in the way that letter is implying."
"So..." Ace checked. "You don't fantasise about Cadence... or my wife?" I shook my head fiercely. "Good. That's my job, Geo, and don't you forget it."
There was a moment of silence before Twilight cleared her throat and waved the letter around. "Well?" she said. "Are you going to explain what you mean by 'not in that way'?"
"Like most people, and ponies, I dream when I'm asleep," I defended. "While it is true my dreams involve other mares, I'm not dreaming about fucking them. That particular honour is reserved for you, Twilight." She blushed. "I think back on the wonderful life I have had here, in the company of my friends and family. So yes, I think about other mares. I think about what we've done in the past, and what we will do in the future."
Twilight, now crying, tossed the letter aside and hugged me. "If I ever meet this 'Emperor' person, I'm going to kick their arse," she whispered. "As if you'd look twice at another mare."
"And what about his postscripts?" I asked, as I graciously returned the hug. "They'll need to be answered as well."
"The Crystal Empire is named as such because... it's made of Crystals," Twilight groaned. "That should be obvious."
"In other words... you don't know," Dash said sarcastically.
"I do know!" Twilight shot back. "I just... need to read up on it." She paused for a moment. "I don't like the second postscript. We will soon know the meaning of the word 'empire'?" She glanced at me cautiously. "Are you sure you're not planning anything?"
The only response she got was my palm connecting with my face as I groaned loudly. "No, I'm not," I snarled. "I am not plotting the downfall of Equestria in any way, shape or form. Now let's all shut up about it and read some fucking letters!"
I reached into the envelope and pulled it out. Glancing at the address, I developed a scowl — which didn't go unnoticed.
"What's wrong, Geo?" John asked. "Is there shit or something on the envelope?" He chuckled. "Ahh, I remember that old classic..."
"It's addressed to 'the lucky bastard human with the hot alicorn wife'," I deadpanned. "And since I'm the only one here who is actually married to an alicorn, it can't be anypony else." I sighed. "All right, let's read this." I tore open the envelope.
Dear lucky bastard human with the hot alicorn wife,
Do you not hate it when you are hungry and all you find in the fridge are apples and bananas*?
When everything on the menu in your favourite restaurant is nothing but bread, grass and daisies?
When your neighbour cooks something really tasty and you can’t have it because they don’t like sharing?
Well, don’t fret! The Fried Eggplant Corporation has the product that you are looking for:
FRIED EGGPLANTS!
No more boring apples and flowers! Now you can enjoy the juicy flavour of fried eggplants!
No more waiting in restaurants for a meal that you don’t enjoy! Just slap your way to your table to enjoy your favourite new meal; the fried eggplant! (It even saves you money that you would usually pay for your meal at the restaurant!)
Don’t be jealous at your neighbour because they have a wife/maid that can actually cook! Just walk up to them and slap them with your fried eggplant, that will show them what you think!
Write today and order your fried eggplant!
Signed,
The Fried Eggplant Corporation
One (1) Eggplant costs ten (10) bits, free sample on request.
* The Fried Eggplant Corporation does not recommend storing bananas in your fridge.
"WHO THE FUCK SIGNED ME UP FOR THIS SHIT?!" I bellowed, looking around the room. "Come on, it had to have been one of you! Own up, and perhaps I'll only beat you half to death!" Out of the corner of my eye I could just make out Flash Sentry chuckling to himself. I rounded on him, causing him to flinch. "First of all..." I punched him twice. "That's for flinching. Secondly, I'm guessing you had something to do with this?"
"Maybe I did, and maybe I didn't," he replied. "You can't prove the former, and I can't prove the latter." He grinned. "So deal with it."
"I will," I replied as I tore the letter in half. "Just like that. Now, moving on to the next one..."
Once again I dug around in the mailbag and took out an envelope. I tore it open, not caring about the contents, and looked at it.
Dearest Geo,
I regret to inform you that I have kidnapped all your friends, your wife, and your mother.
You will get them back if you stand in the exact centre of Canterlot, yell "I am the most insane fucker out there, and y'all should hate me!" and then do the chicken dance.
After these tasks are done put five million bits in your bank account and place a cheque, made out to Mags Bugby, in the mailbox of 523 1st Street in Baltimare, then go home.
Sincerely,
Mags Bugby
"Seriously," I groaned. "This is starting to get annoying. Is this another one of your pathetic attempts at a joke, Flash?"
"Oh please," he said, "I've got more class than that."
I glared at him. "I'd hardly call signing me up to an eggplant-related newsletter 'having class', you idiot."
He grinned sheepishly and looked at the floor, suddenly more interested in the ornately chiselled marble than me.
"I think I'll humour this wackjob," I said gleefully. "I'll send him a fake cheque and then, when he goes to collect it, he'll instead find himself in the company of Discord. I'm sure old Dizzy would relish a chance to cause some legitimate chaos." I put the letter to one side. "Fuck you, Mags," I snorted. "You prick."
"Wait just a darn minute," Applejack said, taking the letter from me. She read it a couple of times while mouthing something. "Mags Bugby... it's an anagram of 'Gabby Gums'!"
"You what, mate?" I narrowed my eyes before realisation hit me and I laughed. "Oh... oh, wow. I nearly set Discord on the Crusaders! I'm guessing they're trying for cutie marks in being gangsters or something?"
"Probably," John said as he delved into the bag and took another letter out. "But we'll talk about them later. In the meantime, let's see what this person has to say for themselves..."
Dear everyone,
ATTENTION, TO EVERYONE READING THIS LETTER:
TESTICLES.
THAT IS ALL.
Signed,
A. Sandwich
John guffawed. "Now this is my kinda guy!" he said.
"Whys that, sugarcube?" Applejack asked sweetly. "Is it because y'all have both got yer minds in the gutter?"
"Seriously, hon, after what you got me to do to you the other night?" John smirked as Applejack blushed. "I seriously doubt that you have the right to say that my mind is in the gutter."
Applejack's blush intensified, making me wonder just what in the hell they had been doing lately. I felt like asking, but I had a feeling that I'd just make an ass of myself if I did, so I opted for making a stupid joke instead. "This whole letter is a load of bollocks," I quipped. Needless to say, this was met with groans and facepalms (as well as facehooves).
"Whatever you say, Geo," Ace said with a roll of his eyes. "Let's move onto the next letter, shall we?"
Dear Prince Geo,
If you're reading this then there isn’t much time left for either of us. I don’t really know how to put this but I pray that you take heed of my warning.
I’m writing this letter to you from the future. This is not a joke, and I know I might sound like a lunatic, but you have to believe me. Exactly one month from now, Canterlot will be wiped out by an unholy creature, created to cause nothing but destruction, pain and misery.
You must not tell anyone about the contents of this letter, I fear that we may alter the course of time and reality too much and remove our own existence from this universe itself.
Lux caelestis signaculum.
If the chant worked, you should be feeling some moderate pain right about now. Nothing to be afraid of though, a seal is burning itself onto your chest. it is a powerful spell Celestia gave the three of us to protect us from evil. I’m passing it down to you from the future because I know for certain that in our reality we will not see the sun rise.
I hope you make the right decisions when your moment comes, we can’t make the same mistake twice…
Signed,
Flare
When Ace had finished, I only had one thing on my mind.
"So much for not talking about the contents," I muttered. "And anyway, who the fuck is 'Flare'? You'd think I'd remember somepony with a name like that."
"Maybe they're this stalker we heard mention of earlier," Twilight offered. "They are obviously suffering from the delusion that you are their best friend, and that the two of you save Equestria a lot." I suppressed a laugh, and Twilight glared at me. "We need to find this poor pony," she snapped. "They need help."
"Not to mention a new hobby," I said. "Not to worry, though, I'm sure there is plenty of room down in the dungeons. Just pad out one of the cells and they'll feel right at home."
Twilight sighed and looked in the bag. "Ahh!" she exclaimed. "Here you are, Fluttershy, this is the letter for you."
She levitated it over to Fluttershy and she took it, looking at it fondly for a moment before gently tearing the envelope open.
Dear Fluttershy,
So I was wondering... if you were interested, um... would you maybe... go out with me?
Signed,
117
"Aww," she cooed. "That's so sweet. But... how do I tell them that I've already got a special somepony without hurting their feelings?"
"You simply tell them exactly that," Haywick replied. "If they can't accept that, then that's their problem. Of course, you can always say that while you are with me, you would be more than happy to go out for a social lunch with this... pony?" He glanced at the signature on the letter. "117... what kind of name is that?"
"Isn't it obvious?" Ace chuckled. "It's a Spartan name!" We looked at him blankly. "Y'know... the Master Chief? Oh come on, guys! Can't you recall the time we spent waiting on the stabiliser to charge? I kicked your asses at pretty much every game we played, until somebody-" he glared at me, "-broke my consoles!"
"I do recall playing a multi-player session of that particular game with you," I replied. "But given the fact I never played the single-player game, I can't rightly say I know what you're on about."
Ace tutted and rolled his eyes. "Noobs," he snapped, before walking over to the bag and taking another letter out. "It's for you, John."
"Yay," John said sarcastically. "Give it here, then. Who knows? Maybe I've been signed up for something stupid as well."
Dear John,
Out of curiosity: do you still miss being an MI6 agent, or are you happy all that is behind you? I don't know much about the British secret service (and – quite frankly – I don't think I should even be talking about it), but can't the agency demand that you return or something? Every country needs its soldiers back, you know.
I'm not saying that you should leave Equestria. In fact, if M16 decides to hunt you down for going AWOL, you should get Ace on protection watch. If they do find you, are they like going to force you to return or will they let you stay there? I certainly hope they leave you there, because you've got a good life going (especially with Applejack, you lucky dog). Anyway, that's all I've got to say, see ya later I guess.
Signed,
J. Ealous
"That's a good question," I said. "Why haven't MI6 come to collect you yet? Surely they would have told you to return to the UK?"
"They did," John said nonchalantly. "But I told them to fuck off."
"You... wait, what?!" I replied, shocked. "When was this?"
"It was after the little chat we had in the library after what I did was revealed," John sighed. "I went back to see my superiors after we were finished. They congratulated me on a job well done and tried to send me on another mission, one which would haven taken me far away from Equestria. I point-blank refused, and so I was fired on the spot."
We all stared at him, open-mouthed. "Wow," Applejack said. "Y'all did that... fer us?"
"For you, mostly," John replied. "I'd realised at that point that you were a good friend. Obviously, I began to see you as a lot more than that. But I knew I had a good thing going, and I didn't want anything to ruin it."
"Well good for you, mate," I said, patting his shoulder. "Glad to see that you chose us over your job."
John smiled. But just as he was about to reply, Rainbow Dash came over to us. I could see the whip still tucked neatly under her wing. She cleared her throat loudly to get our attention, and then pointed at the bag of mail.
"Enough of the sappy crap," she ordered. "Let's just finish reading these things and get out of here."
"Sorry, Dash," John said. "We got distracted. Good thing you're here to whip us into shape, eh?" He cackled at the volcanic blush which was now gracing Dash's cheeks.
As we were about to open another envelope, the doors opened and a pegasus came in. He was black with yellow stripes, and had a yellow mane and tail, both with a red highlight. The bag on his back obscured my view of his cutie mark. I noticed that Flash didn't seem so keen to intercept the intruder, choosing instead to watch him as he sauntered up to me.
"Hi!" he said cheerfully. "I was just wondering, your Highnesses, if you'd read your mail yet?"
"Uhh," I raised an eyebrow at him warily. "We were just going through it... now who are you, exactly?"
"Oh, sorry!" he replied. "My name is Matrix, and I have a letter for you and John!" He reached into his saddlebag. "May I?"
I shrugged. "Fine by me," I said. "Let's have it."
Matrix grinned and took a letter out of his bag before passing it to me. I opened it and read it as John walked over and proceeded to read it over my shoulder.
Dear John and Geo
Can I get a high hoof?
Signed,
Matrix
John and I exchanged a glance with each other before looking at Matrix, who was looking at us expectantly.
"Fuck it," I said. "It makes a change from all the other bullshit we've had to endure today."
John nodded and the two of us walked over to Matrix, who raised his forehooves excitedly. And then, with the force of a thousand suns, we exchanged a high five which shook the very heavens themselves and made the gods weep with joy.
Once we were done, Matrix squealed with glee and left the room giggling like a filly. John and I watched him leave with a bemused expression on our faces.
"Well that was random," John said.
"It was," I replied. "But as I said, it made a welcome change. Now let's see what else is in the bag of crap... er, I mean, mail."
Dear Recipient,
Greetings from The Western Mountains! We may be small, but this hasn't stop us from making our place in this world.
I, the Minister of Foreign Affairs, formally invite you to come and visit us. We have a whopping amount of tourists coming to visit us — 215.25 per hour to be exact!
Worried about being a victim of a crime here? No need to worry, crime is completely unknown due to the great efforts of our police force. Despite being located in the mountains, we have some of the most renowned forest and beaches in the surrounding area.
You might even catch a glimpse of our beautiful national animal, the Frost Giant! My department and I hope that you come to visit our great nation in the future! Once you come you will see the why our motto is "From the Light of the Mountains". We hope to see you in the future!
Yours faithfully,
The Western Mountains Minister of Foreign Affairs
"Now this place sounds like a great little state somewhere in this fine nation," I said. "And I sure as hell could do with a holiday. Mind you... the bit about the Frost Giants is a bit worrying, but hopefully they're harmless. I might just get in touch with this Minister of theirs and arrange a break."
"Make sure you invite me as well," John said. "Celestia knows I could do with getting out of Ponyville once in a while."
Everyone else voiced their own agreement with the idea.
"What's wrong with Ponyville?" Twilight asked suddenly. "I think it's a very peaceful place to live... when I'm not here, that is."
"I know that," John replied. "But it does get a bit repetitive doing the same things day in, day out. What I wouldn't give for the chance to drink cider while lounging on a beach somewhere."
"Ooh, yeah," I added. "It would be great to take a break from my responsibilities as Prince. I wouldn't have to deal with obnoxious nobles or nitpicky gryphons."
"I guess a holiday would be nice," Twilight said. "But when are we ever going to find the time for one?"
"Pfft," I snorted, waving a hand dismissively. "I'm pretty sure we're due at least a month of holiday time. All we have to do is tell Celestia and Luna where we're going and then go."
Twilight giggled. "True," she replied. "All right, since you seem to have some ideas, I'll let you plan a holiday for everypony."
"And I will," I nodded. "Just as soon as we get these letters out the way." I stuck my hand in the bag. "And what do you know? There's only two of the fucking things left!" I opened one and glanced through it. "And it's addressed to you, Twi," I added, clearing my throat and starting to read.
Dear Princess Twilight Sparkle,
I'm sorry to distract you from your royal duties, but I have a couple of questions for you.
Firstly: with all of your close friends AND the Princesses now dating, what do you make of their partners?
And secondly: is there anything you would change about your husband and, if so, why? (And I mean anything - an annoying habit, his features...ANYTHING.)
Signed,
The Great One
Twilight put a hoof to her chin in thought. "Well, I'm really happy that all my friends have found somepony to love like I have. In fact, I strongly think that every pairing is perfect."
"Is that so?" Ace queried. "Go on then, explain why."
"Okay, Ace," Twilight smirked. "I think that you and Pinkie make a perfect couple because you're both full of life. You both want what's best for everypony, and you always have our best interests at heart. Pinkie, you're always trying to keep us smiling and Ace, you're always keeping us safe."
"What about us, Twilight?" Applejack asked. "How can John an' Ah be a perfect couple when we drive each other to tha very brink of insanity at the best o' times?"
"That's just it, Applejack," Twilight replied. "You're a perfect couple because you're so alike. You both work hard and your personalities make you attracted to each other. John, you're just an overgrown man-child who likes making dirty jokes and Applejack, you're a mare who is brimming with common sense."
John went to say something but Rainbow Dash beat him to the punch. "What about Spark and I?" she asked smugly. "I bet you can't figure out what makes us the perfect couple."
"Oh but I can, Dash," Twilight said just as smugly. "You both strive for perfection in what you do, and will do pretty much anything to make sure that you accomplish it. Dash, you'll risk breaking every bone in your body to pull off a stunt and Spark, you'll gladly let yourself be electrocuted, to the point of turning into a puff ball, just to get something fixed!"
She turned to Fluttershy. "Fluttershy, you and Haywick are like the male and female version of the other. You both care about your patients, you both suffered at the hooves of bullies, and you're both pretty shy. It doesn't take a genius to work out that the two of you are quite clearly made for each other."
"What about Rarity and Spike?" I asked. "What do you make of their relationship?" I looked around the room. "Where are they, anyway? I haven't seen them since Spike's wings came—"
"Along with something else," John interrupted, a wicked grin plastered firmly across his face. "That alone should tell you exactly what the two lovebirds are up to."
I groaned and facepalmed. "Thank you, John," I replied. "Just... just answer the question, Twilight, before he says anything else that might get me to slap him."
"I can do that for you," Flash offered. "I'll just pretend that he's you, and the job will be done to perfection."
"I love you too, Flash, you big goofball," I shot back, blowing him a kiss and winking. "And to show you exactly how much I love you, you're on barracks cleaning duty for a month. Now shut the fuck up and don't speak unless I tell you to, got it?!"
"Loud and clear," Flash grumbled.
"Enough!" Twilight snapped. "Jeez, you two are like a couple of foals. Now, getting back on topic, I think that Spike and Rarity are a great match for each other. They both do so much for everypony, and ask for so little in return. Plus there's the fact that, yes, they've been banging like crazy lately. If that's not love, then what is?" She failed to notice us all staring at her with our mouths agape and continued speaking. "As for Celestia and Worthy Cause... well, they're also made for each other — two very caring individuals who like to see the good in the world. Luna and Dusk Wind are similar: they've both been through a lot in their lives, so they're like kindred spirits, sharing loss through love... or something like that."
"Interesting," I said. "Now what about the second part of the letter sent by this 'Great One' – who seems a bit full of himself with a name like that if you ask me – what would you change about me?"
Twilight looked me up and down for a moment. "Well, you do snore a lot," she replied. "And you also have terrible morning breath. But other than that, you're not so bad."
"I'll bear that in mind," I said. "And, before you ask, I wouldn't change a single thing about you."
Twilight developed a glowing smile as I reached into the bag and took out the last letter. I smiled back and read the letter out loud.
Dear Prince Geo,
This letter is of the utmost importance. I have received news that a spy lurks among the members of the Royal Guard. His mission is simple — to assassinate you. His reasons are yet unknown but all we know is he is after Princess Twilight Sparkle. To ensure her safety, you must find him immediately!
I can't help with that, but I do know his name.
Flash Sentry.
Good luck!
Signed,
A. Friend
All eyes were on Flash as I finished reading. He glanced around the room nervously before I cleared my throat.
"It is true that I despise you, Flash," I said. "But even I don't think that you are capable of something like—"
"HOW DID THEY FIND OUT?!" Flash yelled suddenly. "I thought for sure that I wouldn't be discovered!"
"Wait..." I trailed off. "It's true?! Dash, give me that whip! I've got some flank to kick!"
Dash threw the whip to me but before I could catch it, Flash had launched himself at me. He collided with my stomach, knocking the wind out of me and sending us both sailing across the room and onto the floor in a heap, whereupon we started punching each other like it was going out of fashion.
The blows came thick and fast as I put as much energy as I could muster into a series of quick attacks, pummelling Flash's face several times in the space of a minute. I succeeded in blackening one of his eyes, splitting his lip and knocking out five of his teeth on top of various other cuts and bruises.
That's not to say I was immune to being harmed myself, though. Flash counter-attacked, using his forehooves to punch me repeatedly in the chest while slapping me around the face with his wings. I brought my legs up, throwing him off balance and grabbing his hind legs as John rushed over. I shook my head at him to tell him that, while I appreciated the sentiment, I didn't need his help. He let out a small groan, before kicking Flash in the head a couple of times and rushing back to join the others.
I managed to pin the traitorous pegasus underneath me and began bending his hind leg back, which made him squeal in a manner which was most unfitting of a stallion.
"Do you yield?" I snarled. "Because if you don't, I'll snap you in two... like I should have done the day I fucking met you!"
Flash responded by biting me. My concentration faltered as I hissed in pain and he managed to overpower me, pinning me underneath him and grabbing my head which he began slamming repeatedly into the floor. All the while he had a psychotic grin on his face.
"Do you yield?" he taunted. "Because I'm going to kill you no matter what you do! I am the superior being here, human, and don't you forget—"
The hum of magic filled the air as Flash was suddenly lifted off me, a purple aura surrounding his body. As I watched, Twilight casually strolled over with an eerily calm look on her face. Without warning she screamed with raw unbridled fury — then blasted Flash into the far wall at a hundred miles an hour. He giggled like an idiot as he slid to the floor, his vision going black.
"Nopony hurts my husband and gets away with it," Twilight snorted, helping me up in the process. "Are you all right, Geo? You gave us quite a scare, but at least you gave as good as you got." She gave me a small kiss on the cheek.
"He had it coming," I grunted. "I've been waiting for an excuse to give that prick a kicking. And now, thanks to this 'friend' of mine, I found one. I just wish I knew who it was."
"That doesn't matter," Twilight said softly. "All that matters is getting you to the hospital." She pointed at the unconscious Flash Sentry. "John, keep an eye on that fucker while I write a letter."
John saluted and walked over to where Flash lay. As I watched, he slowly started to come round... only for John to knock him out again with a swift uppercut. Twilight finished scribbling her letter and took it in her magic.
"Come on, Geo," she said. "I'll deliver this on the way. Can you walk, or do you need help?"
"I think I'll walk, thanks," I replied. "It's only my top half that hurts, anyway. The stupid bastard didn't even go for my legs."
Twilight giggled and walked to the door. As she passed Flash she dropped the letter on the ground next to him before leaving the room. I went over to pick it up, but paused upon seeing it.
Dear Flash Sentry,
Fuck you.
Signed,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
And so, with a laugh that was heard throughout the castle, I left the room and followed my wife down the corridor.
Author's Note
Special thanks to everyone who sent in a letter! 
They were used in the order in which they were received.
* Sage The Alchemist (two letters)
* Biohazard55929
* Tim (two letters)
* The Accursed One
* Lord Sandwich
* Vetnern
* John 117
* Ikemtz16
* AlonelyPegasus
* ModernWarfareBrony
* Greatodyer (two letters)
FUN FACT #1: Vetnern also wrote the very last letter, from Twilight to Flash. He did it as a joke, but I figured it was a brilliant way to end the story.
FUN FACT #2: Lux caelestis signaculum is Latin for 'Heavenly light seal'.
FUN FACT #3: Tim's first letter was, I think, the result of a conversation I had with him on Skype about Cadence.
Also, how many references did you spot?
Here's to me writing another fifty stories! 
EDIT (07/12/15): Some of the letters may contain references to A Season Of Terror, the original Geoverse Part Seven, which was cancelled because of a lack of interest.
